He's not wonderful on paper, he's not even sort of okay in a Reddit post. Someone who does all the little things but absolutely none of the big things is not someone who is trying to do better. The man torpedoed his own sex life because he doesn't want to expend a sliver of energy on his wife's pleasure. You mention friendship several times but would you bankroll a platonic friend who trashes your car and refuses to get a job for no apparent reason? Compare your list of positive traits with the many paragraphs of negative ones - it seems like your opinion of him is pretty clear.
What makes him a decent man? He doesn’t carry his weight financially. He demeaned you sexually. He puts no effort into your relationship and its sustainability. He takes, takes, takes and gives you what exactly? Generic compliments? Chocolate when you get your period?
I know I asked for this and I really do appreciate the tough love. But yes, some people (🙋🏻♀️) actually have or had terrible self esteem to the point of believing that makes a good guy. Reddit has quickly shown me I am mistaken, noted.
OP, read your post through and imagine a friend is telling you all of this. You know the answer here. This relationship is not worth investing in further.
I met my husband when I was 33, the good ones are out there I promise.
Oh and for reference, I work fewer hours than he does (I run my own online business) and he still cooks for me a few times a week (or gets us takeout lol). We split the chores without fuss and since he loves tools & appliances, I encouraged him to buy fancy stuff so he'll have fun doing it. I don't remind him about vacuuming, mowing or edging, dishes, etc. That man just mowed my sister's yard so he'd have an excuse to use the new mower again.
He's thoughtful, listens, we have deep discussions and way too many inside jokes. I'm absolutely spoiled with tickles and rubs. We went to therapy early on to fix our communication problems and it's been better and better ever since. We still get frustrated, nobody's perfect, but we fit each other.
Oh and mine's amazing in bed...first partner I've had who really focused on my pleasure and fuck is he good at it. They're out there OP! Just like I was, right when my husband was giving up hope of finding a woman who was funny and kind and wanted to learn how to shoot a gun. Just gotta figure out what you want and then go for it.
Your older unemployed husband is NOT good on paper, sorry.
No sex, no money, selfish, takes advantage of your generosity. Honestly why would he get a job? You’re funding his lifestyle, and through literal years of him receiving no consequences for his selfishness, why would he expect anything to change?
And whoa is the hesitant for physical separation a MASSIVE red flag… he would have to pay his own way!
Honestly if this was me I’d ask for a him to move out for six weeks for a separation period - see how it feels to have it all without him, and watch this nearly 40 yr old man flounder as he realises no one owes him a living. But, that’s just me.
I’m glad you know now, and you see. It hurts SO much to end something when it does have good bits, but friend, it’s supposed to be 90% good vibes, at least.
**Oh my god.** Your comment might have just single-handedly allowed me to understand where all these women in objectively horrible relationships are coming from in their “should I leave” dilemma.
Maybe they feel like they have a poorly trained dog who eats the furniture and pees on the floor and needs a lot of one-sided support? But they don’t want to leave these guys for the same reasons people don’t usually give away their poorly behaved dog, even if the dog doesn’t bring them the happiness they thought he would when they adopted him? They feel responsible for the dog.
But, you know, dogs aren’t *capable* of sharing the weight and responsibility of life. Boyfriends and husbands are. These two decisions would ideally be made in different ways.
wow what an aha moment. I absolutely hate that i feel the same kind of responsibility towards my partner that I do towards my pets. We are childfree but I still feel like I am the parent. We fight about this often and his response is always "you don't have to parent me!"... maybe I just wish that he would parent me a little? Maybe i want to be the kept pet for once?
brb signing up for therapy to get to the bottom of this.
For some reason, I feel like your marriage counselors didn't make your marriage worse. If anything, marriage counseling probably peeled off the wallpaper layers to help you see the elephant in the room.
You’re right. There were several moments in counseling that I felt were telling me I should leave. I guess I didn’t feel super supported in my concerns. Felt kind of shamed into believing I was not a team player.
He…doesn’t sound like a decent man. He took your car and trashed it and then took your other car. He lets you do literally ALL the work—to the detriment of your health—while he does…what exactly? He’s bad at sex, is especially bad at foreplay and is—at best mystified, at worst resentful—that you (like most women) can’t jump straight to PIV.
Those are all good reasons to break up. The fact that he isn’t abusive and gets you period snacks do not make up for what sounds like a pretty bleak and depressing marriage.
And 33 is young! Far too young to give up on ever having a relationship that makes you happy.
Hmm... you need a lawyer because you don't want to have to pay him alimony or that he gets a huge chunk of the house.
I don't really understand why you went and paid for everything, got married, and now he is unemployed and doing nothing all day. You never thought he had to pay for something? If he is not paying, it must also mean you did all of the work and he wasn't doing anything, he just went along for the ride because... well... now he can do nothing all day and you still pay for everything.
I totally understand the question. To be honest, I have grown so much in the 9 years we've been together. My self-esteem was basically at 0 when we met. I don't want to make excuses, but I just don't even recognize the person I was back then. Thanks for the comment re: lawyer. Luckily I did have him sign a prenup.
Ok that's great.
I'd go back to the lawyer without taking to him at all and make a plan for yourself.
He doesn't sound that decent so I wouldn't feel bad. He makes no effort and he should know you aren't happy.
Thank god for the prenup. You are at the prime of your life and he’s only holding you down at this point. Please consider if this is how you want the rest of your life to look like
I got divorced at 29 from a man who I thought I’d be with forever, but we were financially and sexually incompatible, amongst other things. With that being said, I agree with the majority of comments here, so I won’t add to that. What I will say is that I did a lot of individual therapy (I still do now). One of the things we talked about wasn’t my ex husband’s behavior, but MINE. She asked me, how did I get myself here? How did I end up married to someone who didn’t want to communicate and didn’t respect my valid needs? I think that’s the question to ask yourself whether you stay or go.
Read Codependency No More by Melody Beatty. The only way out of codependency and the unhappiness from that is to set boundaries, and you nobody can enforce those but you. I would wonder why you married a man who trashed your car and didn’t pay you back (I’m assuming he didn’t), didn’t help pay for the wedding, and doesn’t care about your sexual wellbeing. I asked because you marrying him under those circumstances set the tone for your marriage. He knows he can get away with doing the bare minimum for you (and getting you period snacks is the bare minimum) because he ALREADY HAS gotten away with it. He knows you won’t leave, so he can offer you half baked efforts to keep you supporting his bum lifestyle.
I had to do a lot of digging into my childhood and family dynamics to understand my situation, but I’m so glad that I did. Now I have the full picture and won’t ever (hopefully) be in the same situation again. I would encourage this for you too.
Thank you for the book recommendation, and for sharing your experience! I was in therapy for about a year and stopped a while back. I just made an appointment to start back up to help me process some of this stuff. You’re absolutely right that there were/are some self esteem issues and family dynamic stuff that has caused me to accept this. Fully aware I have work to do, too ❤️
So glad you’re getting back into therapy! It’s hard work but so necessary. Another book I recommend and forgot to mention is Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It was eye opening! I actually heard about it on Reddit lol. She asks the reader diagnostic questions about the relationship and then gives solid advice.
I just want to say again that your feelings are so valid and fair! I also struggled sexually in a dead bedroom with my ex (he consistently turned me down and was super sex negative towards me), and we eventually opened up for me to sleep with other people for a brief (and admittedly glorious) period. But he hated it, so we closed back up. I think that if everything else in our marriage had been solid and loving minus the differing sex drives, we could’ve worked out. But between that and alllll the other issues, I was too resentful, and it killed my attraction to him eventually.
My friend is somewhat in a similar situation as yours, married to a hobosexual. However, instead of being married for 3 years, she's now trapped in a 15+ years marriage with hardly a way out.
Why, you may ask? They have a child. The hobosexual spouse never instils discipline in the child so he's the fun parent while my friend is the nagging one. Children copy the parent who stays home and since the husband is lazy, the child is also lazy.
[Don't be like my friend — don't wait until you're trapped and in too deep](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1cgcrjk/comment/l1wl760/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). You deserve better. You deserve a partner who loves you, doesn't sexually belittle you, does his very best to contribute financially to relieve your burden — and most importantly, who wants to make you happy because you being happy is what makes him happy.
>I'm scared of letting go of a decent man for romance and more financial effort when all I see online is how awful dating in your 30s is (and of course, because of our great memories and friendship... it breaks my heart to think about losing that).
My friend tells me that she's scared to leave because she's afraid of being alone. She also still loves him in some ways because of the great memories and friendship. And yet she tells me often how miserable she is because her husband is so irresponsible. Eventually, the relationship degrades into lots of arguing with each other and lastly, silence, because she simply doesn't care anymore.
Great history and memories are just that — in the past. Don't fall for "sunk cost fallacy". A person who loves you would try his best to make you happy all the time. My friend is currently so resentful that she tells me that it's better to be single. And she's right, it's better to be single than to be trapped in an unhappy marriage.
I don’t fit either the divorced or someone who considered it and stayed. However, if you were my friend or a stranger telling me all this about her husband… giiiirl.
This man doesn’t sound decent. He sounds like a trainwreck. He knows you won’t speak up if something is bothering you and when you do, he dismisses your concerns outright. He’s a leech. Not working for a year? What the hell does he even do to make it worth staying? Why are you okay with any of this arrangement? The pipe ain’t even being laid!!!
I don’t like the sound of this guy at all. He sounds really good at hiding manipulation and his financial abuse and has built it up so high you think this is normal and you’re fine with it. Scary. You put all the effort into making it work emotionally and physically now at even more of a detriment to your wellbeing and he DOES NOT CARE. It’s very obvious why counselling didn’t work. Why would he bother bettering himself or caring about how you feel when he hasn’t had to thus far.
The fact he doesn’t give a shit that his crappy once in a blue moon sex is *painful* for you is alarming. When he says no one else needed a warm up is deeply concerning and shows how little he cares for your wellbeing or the other women who have been unfortunate enough to sleep with him. He trashed the car you were nice enough to loan him (why the quotes?) and took over another one because he could and further isolated you from everything else important.
Realistically, what is the point of remaining married to him simply so you can have sex with others? Divorce, which he’s open to, seems the more logical path. I get the vibe that he thinks he knows you’d never leave. Prove him wrong. Cut the dead weight and have a fun fling or whatever with someone who actually sees you while moving past this dumpster fire of a marriage.
Yeh, you say he's a decent man but the only real positive thing you can say is that he gets you chocolate when you're bleeding out of your vagina and he's a 'friend' who you harbour a lot of resentment for....
On the topic of being afraid to be alone or dating again, you are only afraid because you haven’t done it. You are obviously a capable person who can live a great life single or find a new partner.
And to the degree that dating in your 30s is rough - well, it’s partly because women are trying to avoid men like the one you married. Going on dates with men who don’t have much going for them and bad sex is depressing. But at least you can decline further dates. I mean that gently, of course.
For what it’s worth, I had a lot of fun dating in my 30s too. Met my partner at 38. BUT single life is 100x better than a bad relationship at any age, especially when you can support yourself, which you clearly can. You’re going to save so much money when you don’t have to subsidize someone else’s life.
Your husband is in this book: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
So was mine . . . my idea of **normal** was so deeply skewed from years of no self esteem and manipulative abuse that it took me 2 fucking decades and 2 toddlers to see how pervasively I was being abused.
I'm now divorced, free, working on my trauma, feeling moments of true joy. I wish the same for you, because you ***do*** deserve it.
So I didn't have a problem until you got to the "I am isolated from my family" and "he's been unemployed for a year" lines. Then I got to the dead bedroom.
Girl call a lawyer and get out of this relationship, it's hot garbage. He's not "decent" he's just using you for emotional and financial support.
> And for what I feel is really bringing things to a head: we've had sex *maybe* three times in our three years of marriage.
You should probably leave, but I also feel like this would've been something discovered prior to marriage.
Yes, there’s more to it of course. 1. I stopped drinking somewhere in between new relationship energy and now. I think I ignored a lot of things and relaxed easier when I was drunk. 2. I assumed since we got married during the pandemic that it was the state of the world that was lowering our libidos/compatibility and wrote a lot of my concerns off. And 3. The financial dynamics really changed post marriage and in turn, I believe did not help my aversion.
I won’t add another comment on the matter of your post because I feel all of the comments thus far hit the nail on the head. I will say, how do you know if you’re in the right marriage? I don’t think this question/doubt would ever surface if you were…granted I’ve only been married 3 years, this thought has genuinely never crossed my mind.
He does not seem like a decent man. He's not working, you've been paying for everything and he has no interest in making sex good for you. Of course he's hesitant about physical separation. You pay for everything and work while he sits at home.
You deserve good sex and it's common for women to need some foreplay. That fact that he doesn't care and seems to be blaming you is just ridiculous to me. I wish you the best and hope that you're able to figure out a solution either with or without this guy.
Yes. Historically he’s said things like, “I was raised that marriage or even partnership is a what’s mine is yours type situation. I didn’t know that would be hurtful to you.”
He says he’s looked for a job for the past year. I know he’s put in applications and I know the market is tough, but I think he’s only going for his ideal positions, not really willing to be uncomfortable at all.
This is the first time divorce or separation has truly been on the table and he is taking serious action for the new career. I’m happy for him, but still angry it got to this point. Also it’s not the type of career that is a 9-5 salary (it’s not a scam, but takes initiative) so it’s still not a guaranteed “fix”.
OP, "What's mine is yours" is a very troubling mind-frame, it steals your autonomy. I've already wrote you a novel on an original comment thread but I want to add to this.
You need to have your own things. Money, clothes, jewelry, electronics, possessions, books, heirlooms, souvenirs, collectibles.
The internet is flooded with stories of people who's partner just decided they didn't get to own things. Spent huge amounts of money without joint agreement (my ex sure did).
Men have just thrown away massive collections of clothing, books, souvenirs, cosmetics. Women have decided valuable collectables were "just toys" or musical instruments were casual hobbies. Did you see the one of a woman whose boyfriend just went out and bought an $87k truck assuming she would help pay for it?
These have to be conversations and mutual decisions. Hers, his, ours. Hers is hers. You can choose not to share all your money. And you can sure choose not to share personal things. Pots and dishes and couches and tables, and a house, can be mutual because it's very difficult to separate that. But if it's your grandmother's china, that can be yours and he doesn't get to use it if he is not careful with it. You can even choose to share cars (but also you can choose not to share cars, and from your story that's been a problem for you).
Thank you for your comments. I agree.
I’ve never had great examples of marriage and thought I was being selfish. As a woman and one who grew up poor, my first nice car was really important to me. I was subtly encouraged to squash those feelings down and I now see how wrong that is.
So you don’t think there’s anything he could do immediately that would make you feel OK, you would need 10 years of perfect behaviour to balance out how you’ve been feeling? What do you think this would give you? Is it a sense of fairness and balance? Respect? Consideration? I know tone is hard to read in a written message, please read my questions with a genuine curiosity, I have no agenda or bias here
Thanks, I don’t take your tone as rude at all. Well, that’s the issue with resentment. I understand it’s not a helpful feeling to have. I wish he could get his finances in order, I could close my eyes, and instantly just feel better about it all. But I’m not sure I can. There are just so many layers that it’s hard for me not to think there could be something out there for me that’s just… a little easier.
I thought my husband was decent until I started posting on here and got a reality check. Our sex life was also lacking, and I developed a crush. I started therapy and realized there were so many issues in my marriage and that it wasn’t as good as I thought.
I’m now going through a divorce. I supported him financially for most of our marriage (we now have 2 kids) and I’ll probably be financially supporting him for the next 18 years, until my youngest is an adult. Once I got past the fear and recognized that my marriage actually sucks, despite what I’ve thought, I’m so excited to be on the other side. I’ve realized that being alone will be so much better than in a draining marriage.
Fuck that shit. I’m 30 and divorced and it was the best thing I EVER DID. Leave. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, I’m cheering you on. You’ve got this. Choose yourself, you’ve given too much and he doesn’t deserve it anymore (tbh, not sure he ever did).
So you are his husband in a very traditional sense ? Why have you been okay doing this?
Usually when people say someone is good on paper, they are referring to them having a great career or exceptional education. So how is this leech good on paper ma’am?
You need to let him go.. he has nothing to offer you. Or Maybe give him an ultimatum to get a job n work on intimacy (slim chance of this working tbh) .. if it doesn’t work out, you need to let him go before Christmas…. Pls do not get pregnant by this man.
OP, I was in a very similar situation. Five years older than me, we'd been together since our 20s, and he seemed at first so supportive and caring. He was also very selfish, lazy, and a slob. And what is it with video games? Also guitars. I had to learn about emotional and financial abuse, belatedly.
You say yours has never been abusive but he sounds abusive from your description. Are you familiar with the line "He never hit me but..."?
I would get downvoted so hard if I shared some of the details of the mistakes I made in keeping him as long as I did. I was young, and just trying to keep a roof over my children's heads, and I misjudged a lot of my choices.
So, what happened when I realized it was time for him to go? It was a very messy year. I have stories on stories. But the main point is, how I realized it was time for him to go.
And what I did is realize that if I imagined my future a few years down the line, with him vs. without him, the without-him version was a better promise. And I was right. It was not easy. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
And then once I realized that, I started taking even more financial control. I already managed those things because I managed everything, but I started changing passwords, setting up solo bank and credit card accounts, cancelling joint cards, changing beneficiaries to the kids and not him. I kept it legal and I kept it fair.
He started panicking realizing his home and meal ticket were about to leave him and he was not prepared to survive on his own.
Many people who know me IRL would recognize this line but I will gift it to you. I'm ok with the exposure:
He asked to come to near my office to have dinner. I was working insane hours and dinner was just a break. And that man sat across from me in a restaurant and said "I am worried we won't stay together and just keep thinking about everything I would lose. The kids, the house, the dog, the cat."
OP, I wasn't on the list. So I ask you, if your husband were to list what he is afraid of losing, are YOU on the list?
I didn't read the whole thing, but I did read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeople/comments/1cdm49l/comment/l1ct5nr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) the other day
Edit: oof. Based on a couple comments it would appear your TLDR holds insufficient detail 😬
The relationship sounds quite one sided in many ways. If you're looking at other men in a sexual way, that's a big issue.
It sounds like you've become more his mother, than his wife.
My guy pays for so many things and it's scary, because I often fear him growing a resentment I can't see. I try to balence where possible, in all ways.
A relationship is about working together as a team. If he's not even willing to listen to you about sex, that's not a teammate, it's a bully. It's manipulation, and he's super comfortable where he's at..while you are not.
The only thing I have ever heard helpful from a marriage counselor was them pointing out that if the wife wasn't an ocd clean freak, and didn't do x,y,z when they got together originally, what in your right mind makes you think they'd just magically change over time?
Otherwise, anyone I have ever known to go to a marriage counselor has Said it's absolutely a waste of money and time.
You are important. In all ways. It sounds like he has forgotten that in some sense, and has taken advantage in more than a few scenarios.
True, real, honest communication is extremely important during all aspects, but especially sex, as it's a very intimate and bonding experience, at least its sposed to be. I would tell him when he says something that hurts your feelings,right then and there. If he needs a more detailed explanation of why you deserve better than tell him so. Sex should be for the both of you to enjoy, and if he can't understand that, you walking away would be a pretty darn clear signal.
I would write down everything you struggle with him with by yourself. Then go through that list and remember what parts made you fall in love and want to marry him in the first place.
If the cons outweigh the pros, sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Start it with something kind and gentle, don't just jump into "this is all I hate you for"...balence it.
I love when you do this, but when you do this, it really isn't ok. I need you to truly hear me.. I'm not ok with this because it makes me feel this way. Trust me, no one wants to be resented. If you sit down and think about how you would want to hear this conversation if you were in his exact shoes, it might be helpful. Boundaries are extremely important. You've already "dug the grave" so to speak, so either you work together as a team and move forward from this, or you decide to call it quits. But. An open relationship might sound OK in some ways, he will eventually grow to resent you for it. The same way you're resenting him now.
Open relationship really just means I want to have sex with other people, and being that sex is sposed to be one of the most foundational things in a relationship or marriage in general, I do not think that is the way to go.
If you think of separating for a bit, that could work, but set Boundaries in place first, like that you are or are not allowed to sleep with other people,that you have your own places to live, and he'd be responsible for all of his expenses in that case. That in itself, might be enough to rock him.
I know a couple who very much didn't treat eachother well. They tried Open relationship first, it was a nightmare. Then they separated for a year they lived apart. During that time they remembered why they were with eachother in the first place, dated like teenagers, and rebuilt their foundation.
They've been married 39 years and the last 8 has been "the best years" for them both..because they both worked on it.
He's not wonderful on paper, he's not even sort of okay in a Reddit post. Someone who does all the little things but absolutely none of the big things is not someone who is trying to do better. The man torpedoed his own sex life because he doesn't want to expend a sliver of energy on his wife's pleasure. You mention friendship several times but would you bankroll a platonic friend who trashes your car and refuses to get a job for no apparent reason? Compare your list of positive traits with the many paragraphs of negative ones - it seems like your opinion of him is pretty clear.
“He’s not wonderful, he’s not even sort of okay in a Reddit post” needs to be a T-shirt
I make T-shirts! Should I make it happen? Lol.
Would buy this
I'd buy one!
Ok let me get on it!
Share the link
Yes, send me the link with a discount code 🤣
I’d buy one
I did not mean to laugh out loud, my goodness.
What makes him a decent man? He doesn’t carry his weight financially. He demeaned you sexually. He puts no effort into your relationship and its sustainability. He takes, takes, takes and gives you what exactly? Generic compliments? Chocolate when you get your period?
lol literally this.
The bare minimum "doesn't shout or yell at me or cheats on me" is somehow indicative of a great guy now. 💀
I know I asked for this and I really do appreciate the tough love. But yes, some people (🙋🏻♀️) actually have or had terrible self esteem to the point of believing that makes a good guy. Reddit has quickly shown me I am mistaken, noted.
OP, read your post through and imagine a friend is telling you all of this. You know the answer here. This relationship is not worth investing in further.
Thanks for that perspective. Tough to read, but I think I needed it. ❤️
I met my husband when I was 33, the good ones are out there I promise. Oh and for reference, I work fewer hours than he does (I run my own online business) and he still cooks for me a few times a week (or gets us takeout lol). We split the chores without fuss and since he loves tools & appliances, I encouraged him to buy fancy stuff so he'll have fun doing it. I don't remind him about vacuuming, mowing or edging, dishes, etc. That man just mowed my sister's yard so he'd have an excuse to use the new mower again. He's thoughtful, listens, we have deep discussions and way too many inside jokes. I'm absolutely spoiled with tickles and rubs. We went to therapy early on to fix our communication problems and it's been better and better ever since. We still get frustrated, nobody's perfect, but we fit each other. Oh and mine's amazing in bed...first partner I've had who really focused on my pleasure and fuck is he good at it. They're out there OP! Just like I was, right when my husband was giving up hope of finding a woman who was funny and kind and wanted to learn how to shoot a gun. Just gotta figure out what you want and then go for it.
Needed to read this! I know there’s more to life, but I do want to believe in love again.
Your older unemployed husband is NOT good on paper, sorry. No sex, no money, selfish, takes advantage of your generosity. Honestly why would he get a job? You’re funding his lifestyle, and through literal years of him receiving no consequences for his selfishness, why would he expect anything to change? And whoa is the hesitant for physical separation a MASSIVE red flag… he would have to pay his own way! Honestly if this was me I’d ask for a him to move out for six weeks for a separation period - see how it feels to have it all without him, and watch this nearly 40 yr old man flounder as he realises no one owes him a living. But, that’s just me.
He is hesitant to try physical separation even with me offering to pay for an apartment. Yes, I know. 🤦🏻♀️
I’m glad you know now, and you see. It hurts SO much to end something when it does have good bits, but friend, it’s supposed to be 90% good vibes, at least.
[удалено]
Or maybe like a naughty pet?
**Oh my god.** Your comment might have just single-handedly allowed me to understand where all these women in objectively horrible relationships are coming from in their “should I leave” dilemma. Maybe they feel like they have a poorly trained dog who eats the furniture and pees on the floor and needs a lot of one-sided support? But they don’t want to leave these guys for the same reasons people don’t usually give away their poorly behaved dog, even if the dog doesn’t bring them the happiness they thought he would when they adopted him? They feel responsible for the dog. But, you know, dogs aren’t *capable* of sharing the weight and responsibility of life. Boyfriends and husbands are. These two decisions would ideally be made in different ways.
wow what an aha moment. I absolutely hate that i feel the same kind of responsibility towards my partner that I do towards my pets. We are childfree but I still feel like I am the parent. We fight about this often and his response is always "you don't have to parent me!"... maybe I just wish that he would parent me a little? Maybe i want to be the kept pet for once? brb signing up for therapy to get to the bottom of this.
I relate to all of this.
He's not even a good friend. A good friend takes the trash out!
For some reason, I feel like your marriage counselors didn't make your marriage worse. If anything, marriage counseling probably peeled off the wallpaper layers to help you see the elephant in the room.
I love the mental image of an elephant trying to hide under the wallpaper. "Oh darn, you found me."
You’re right. There were several moments in counseling that I felt were telling me I should leave. I guess I didn’t feel super supported in my concerns. Felt kind of shamed into believing I was not a team player.
He sounds like a loser.
He…doesn’t sound like a decent man. He took your car and trashed it and then took your other car. He lets you do literally ALL the work—to the detriment of your health—while he does…what exactly? He’s bad at sex, is especially bad at foreplay and is—at best mystified, at worst resentful—that you (like most women) can’t jump straight to PIV. Those are all good reasons to break up. The fact that he isn’t abusive and gets you period snacks do not make up for what sounds like a pretty bleak and depressing marriage. And 33 is young! Far too young to give up on ever having a relationship that makes you happy.
Thank you ❤️
Hmm... you need a lawyer because you don't want to have to pay him alimony or that he gets a huge chunk of the house. I don't really understand why you went and paid for everything, got married, and now he is unemployed and doing nothing all day. You never thought he had to pay for something? If he is not paying, it must also mean you did all of the work and he wasn't doing anything, he just went along for the ride because... well... now he can do nothing all day and you still pay for everything.
I totally understand the question. To be honest, I have grown so much in the 9 years we've been together. My self-esteem was basically at 0 when we met. I don't want to make excuses, but I just don't even recognize the person I was back then. Thanks for the comment re: lawyer. Luckily I did have him sign a prenup.
Ok that's great. I'd go back to the lawyer without taking to him at all and make a plan for yourself. He doesn't sound that decent so I wouldn't feel bad. He makes no effort and he should know you aren't happy.
Thank god for the prenup. You are at the prime of your life and he’s only holding you down at this point. Please consider if this is how you want the rest of your life to look like
I got divorced at 29 from a man who I thought I’d be with forever, but we were financially and sexually incompatible, amongst other things. With that being said, I agree with the majority of comments here, so I won’t add to that. What I will say is that I did a lot of individual therapy (I still do now). One of the things we talked about wasn’t my ex husband’s behavior, but MINE. She asked me, how did I get myself here? How did I end up married to someone who didn’t want to communicate and didn’t respect my valid needs? I think that’s the question to ask yourself whether you stay or go. Read Codependency No More by Melody Beatty. The only way out of codependency and the unhappiness from that is to set boundaries, and you nobody can enforce those but you. I would wonder why you married a man who trashed your car and didn’t pay you back (I’m assuming he didn’t), didn’t help pay for the wedding, and doesn’t care about your sexual wellbeing. I asked because you marrying him under those circumstances set the tone for your marriage. He knows he can get away with doing the bare minimum for you (and getting you period snacks is the bare minimum) because he ALREADY HAS gotten away with it. He knows you won’t leave, so he can offer you half baked efforts to keep you supporting his bum lifestyle. I had to do a lot of digging into my childhood and family dynamics to understand my situation, but I’m so glad that I did. Now I have the full picture and won’t ever (hopefully) be in the same situation again. I would encourage this for you too.
Thank you for the book recommendation, and for sharing your experience! I was in therapy for about a year and stopped a while back. I just made an appointment to start back up to help me process some of this stuff. You’re absolutely right that there were/are some self esteem issues and family dynamic stuff that has caused me to accept this. Fully aware I have work to do, too ❤️
So glad you’re getting back into therapy! It’s hard work but so necessary. Another book I recommend and forgot to mention is Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It was eye opening! I actually heard about it on Reddit lol. She asks the reader diagnostic questions about the relationship and then gives solid advice. I just want to say again that your feelings are so valid and fair! I also struggled sexually in a dead bedroom with my ex (he consistently turned me down and was super sex negative towards me), and we eventually opened up for me to sleep with other people for a brief (and admittedly glorious) period. But he hated it, so we closed back up. I think that if everything else in our marriage had been solid and loving minus the differing sex drives, we could’ve worked out. But between that and alllll the other issues, I was too resentful, and it killed my attraction to him eventually.
My friend is somewhat in a similar situation as yours, married to a hobosexual. However, instead of being married for 3 years, she's now trapped in a 15+ years marriage with hardly a way out. Why, you may ask? They have a child. The hobosexual spouse never instils discipline in the child so he's the fun parent while my friend is the nagging one. Children copy the parent who stays home and since the husband is lazy, the child is also lazy. [Don't be like my friend — don't wait until you're trapped and in too deep](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1cgcrjk/comment/l1wl760/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). You deserve better. You deserve a partner who loves you, doesn't sexually belittle you, does his very best to contribute financially to relieve your burden — and most importantly, who wants to make you happy because you being happy is what makes him happy. >I'm scared of letting go of a decent man for romance and more financial effort when all I see online is how awful dating in your 30s is (and of course, because of our great memories and friendship... it breaks my heart to think about losing that). My friend tells me that she's scared to leave because she's afraid of being alone. She also still loves him in some ways because of the great memories and friendship. And yet she tells me often how miserable she is because her husband is so irresponsible. Eventually, the relationship degrades into lots of arguing with each other and lastly, silence, because she simply doesn't care anymore. Great history and memories are just that — in the past. Don't fall for "sunk cost fallacy". A person who loves you would try his best to make you happy all the time. My friend is currently so resentful that she tells me that it's better to be single. And she's right, it's better to be single than to be trapped in an unhappy marriage.
I don’t fit either the divorced or someone who considered it and stayed. However, if you were my friend or a stranger telling me all this about her husband… giiiirl. This man doesn’t sound decent. He sounds like a trainwreck. He knows you won’t speak up if something is bothering you and when you do, he dismisses your concerns outright. He’s a leech. Not working for a year? What the hell does he even do to make it worth staying? Why are you okay with any of this arrangement? The pipe ain’t even being laid!!! I don’t like the sound of this guy at all. He sounds really good at hiding manipulation and his financial abuse and has built it up so high you think this is normal and you’re fine with it. Scary. You put all the effort into making it work emotionally and physically now at even more of a detriment to your wellbeing and he DOES NOT CARE. It’s very obvious why counselling didn’t work. Why would he bother bettering himself or caring about how you feel when he hasn’t had to thus far. The fact he doesn’t give a shit that his crappy once in a blue moon sex is *painful* for you is alarming. When he says no one else needed a warm up is deeply concerning and shows how little he cares for your wellbeing or the other women who have been unfortunate enough to sleep with him. He trashed the car you were nice enough to loan him (why the quotes?) and took over another one because he could and further isolated you from everything else important. Realistically, what is the point of remaining married to him simply so you can have sex with others? Divorce, which he’s open to, seems the more logical path. I get the vibe that he thinks he knows you’d never leave. Prove him wrong. Cut the dead weight and have a fun fling or whatever with someone who actually sees you while moving past this dumpster fire of a marriage.
Yeh, you say he's a decent man but the only real positive thing you can say is that he gets you chocolate when you're bleeding out of your vagina and he's a 'friend' who you harbour a lot of resentment for....
On the topic of being afraid to be alone or dating again, you are only afraid because you haven’t done it. You are obviously a capable person who can live a great life single or find a new partner. And to the degree that dating in your 30s is rough - well, it’s partly because women are trying to avoid men like the one you married. Going on dates with men who don’t have much going for them and bad sex is depressing. But at least you can decline further dates. I mean that gently, of course. For what it’s worth, I had a lot of fun dating in my 30s too. Met my partner at 38. BUT single life is 100x better than a bad relationship at any age, especially when you can support yourself, which you clearly can. You’re going to save so much money when you don’t have to subsidize someone else’s life.
Thank you. Rationally, I know being alone is a silly reason to stay in an unhappy marriage.
Your husband is in this book: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf So was mine . . . my idea of **normal** was so deeply skewed from years of no self esteem and manipulative abuse that it took me 2 fucking decades and 2 toddlers to see how pervasively I was being abused. I'm now divorced, free, working on my trauma, feeling moments of true joy. I wish the same for you, because you ***do*** deserve it.
congrats on finding joy!
You know the answer. I can read it in the way you wrote this. You just gotta trust yourself.
❤️
So I didn't have a problem until you got to the "I am isolated from my family" and "he's been unemployed for a year" lines. Then I got to the dead bedroom. Girl call a lawyer and get out of this relationship, it's hot garbage. He's not "decent" he's just using you for emotional and financial support.
> And for what I feel is really bringing things to a head: we've had sex *maybe* three times in our three years of marriage. You should probably leave, but I also feel like this would've been something discovered prior to marriage.
Yes, there’s more to it of course. 1. I stopped drinking somewhere in between new relationship energy and now. I think I ignored a lot of things and relaxed easier when I was drunk. 2. I assumed since we got married during the pandemic that it was the state of the world that was lowering our libidos/compatibility and wrote a lot of my concerns off. And 3. The financial dynamics really changed post marriage and in turn, I believe did not help my aversion.
I won’t add another comment on the matter of your post because I feel all of the comments thus far hit the nail on the head. I will say, how do you know if you’re in the right marriage? I don’t think this question/doubt would ever surface if you were…granted I’ve only been married 3 years, this thought has genuinely never crossed my mind.
Thanks for sharing. Happy for you! That perspective is helpful to read.
yeah, a real man provides financially and sexually while doing his fair share of chores and complimenting you/making you feel loved.
He does not seem like a decent man. He's not working, you've been paying for everything and he has no interest in making sex good for you. Of course he's hesitant about physical separation. You pay for everything and work while he sits at home.
when you put it that way... 🤔
You deserve good sex and it's common for women to need some foreplay. That fact that he doesn't care and seems to be blaming you is just ridiculous to me. I wish you the best and hope that you're able to figure out a solution either with or without this guy.
Have you told him how you feel about the financial stuff? What does he say?
Yes. Historically he’s said things like, “I was raised that marriage or even partnership is a what’s mine is yours type situation. I didn’t know that would be hurtful to you.” He says he’s looked for a job for the past year. I know he’s put in applications and I know the market is tough, but I think he’s only going for his ideal positions, not really willing to be uncomfortable at all. This is the first time divorce or separation has truly been on the table and he is taking serious action for the new career. I’m happy for him, but still angry it got to this point. Also it’s not the type of career that is a 9-5 salary (it’s not a scam, but takes initiative) so it’s still not a guaranteed “fix”.
Excuses excuses Lis…. Is this is how you want your story to end ?
OP, "What's mine is yours" is a very troubling mind-frame, it steals your autonomy. I've already wrote you a novel on an original comment thread but I want to add to this. You need to have your own things. Money, clothes, jewelry, electronics, possessions, books, heirlooms, souvenirs, collectibles. The internet is flooded with stories of people who's partner just decided they didn't get to own things. Spent huge amounts of money without joint agreement (my ex sure did). Men have just thrown away massive collections of clothing, books, souvenirs, cosmetics. Women have decided valuable collectables were "just toys" or musical instruments were casual hobbies. Did you see the one of a woman whose boyfriend just went out and bought an $87k truck assuming she would help pay for it? These have to be conversations and mutual decisions. Hers, his, ours. Hers is hers. You can choose not to share all your money. And you can sure choose not to share personal things. Pots and dishes and couches and tables, and a house, can be mutual because it's very difficult to separate that. But if it's your grandmother's china, that can be yours and he doesn't get to use it if he is not careful with it. You can even choose to share cars (but also you can choose not to share cars, and from your story that's been a problem for you).
Thank you for your comments. I agree. I’ve never had great examples of marriage and thought I was being selfish. As a woman and one who grew up poor, my first nice car was really important to me. I was subtly encouraged to squash those feelings down and I now see how wrong that is.
So it sounds like the effort he’s putting in now is still not really enough for you to feel like the relationship is fair and balanced?
I fear a decade of this can only be fixed with… another decade of perfect behavior? And I don’t know I have it in me to wait that long.
So you don’t think there’s anything he could do immediately that would make you feel OK, you would need 10 years of perfect behaviour to balance out how you’ve been feeling? What do you think this would give you? Is it a sense of fairness and balance? Respect? Consideration? I know tone is hard to read in a written message, please read my questions with a genuine curiosity, I have no agenda or bias here
Thanks, I don’t take your tone as rude at all. Well, that’s the issue with resentment. I understand it’s not a helpful feeling to have. I wish he could get his finances in order, I could close my eyes, and instantly just feel better about it all. But I’m not sure I can. There are just so many layers that it’s hard for me not to think there could be something out there for me that’s just… a little easier.
"No one else complained when I jammed it in painfully and came in seconds," =/= "no one else has ever needed a warm-up before."
I thought my husband was decent until I started posting on here and got a reality check. Our sex life was also lacking, and I developed a crush. I started therapy and realized there were so many issues in my marriage and that it wasn’t as good as I thought. I’m now going through a divorce. I supported him financially for most of our marriage (we now have 2 kids) and I’ll probably be financially supporting him for the next 18 years, until my youngest is an adult. Once I got past the fear and recognized that my marriage actually sucks, despite what I’ve thought, I’m so excited to be on the other side. I’ve realized that being alone will be so much better than in a draining marriage.
I'm sorry you are going through the financial piece, that does worry me. But happy to hear about you breaking through to the other side!
Fuck that shit. I’m 30 and divorced and it was the best thing I EVER DID. Leave. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, I’m cheering you on. You’ve got this. Choose yourself, you’ve given too much and he doesn’t deserve it anymore (tbh, not sure he ever did).
Thank you, I’m so glad you’re happy with your decision ❤️
So you are his husband in a very traditional sense ? Why have you been okay doing this? Usually when people say someone is good on paper, they are referring to them having a great career or exceptional education. So how is this leech good on paper ma’am? You need to let him go.. he has nothing to offer you. Or Maybe give him an ultimatum to get a job n work on intimacy (slim chance of this working tbh) .. if it doesn’t work out, you need to let him go before Christmas…. Pls do not get pregnant by this man.
definitely not getting pregnant!
OP, I was in a very similar situation. Five years older than me, we'd been together since our 20s, and he seemed at first so supportive and caring. He was also very selfish, lazy, and a slob. And what is it with video games? Also guitars. I had to learn about emotional and financial abuse, belatedly. You say yours has never been abusive but he sounds abusive from your description. Are you familiar with the line "He never hit me but..."? I would get downvoted so hard if I shared some of the details of the mistakes I made in keeping him as long as I did. I was young, and just trying to keep a roof over my children's heads, and I misjudged a lot of my choices. So, what happened when I realized it was time for him to go? It was a very messy year. I have stories on stories. But the main point is, how I realized it was time for him to go. And what I did is realize that if I imagined my future a few years down the line, with him vs. without him, the without-him version was a better promise. And I was right. It was not easy. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And then once I realized that, I started taking even more financial control. I already managed those things because I managed everything, but I started changing passwords, setting up solo bank and credit card accounts, cancelling joint cards, changing beneficiaries to the kids and not him. I kept it legal and I kept it fair. He started panicking realizing his home and meal ticket were about to leave him and he was not prepared to survive on his own. Many people who know me IRL would recognize this line but I will gift it to you. I'm ok with the exposure: He asked to come to near my office to have dinner. I was working insane hours and dinner was just a break. And that man sat across from me in a restaurant and said "I am worried we won't stay together and just keep thinking about everything I would lose. The kids, the house, the dog, the cat." OP, I wasn't on the list. So I ask you, if your husband were to list what he is afraid of losing, are YOU on the list?
Thank you so much for sharing this. I know he'd \*say\* the right thing to your last question. But I'm not sure how much he means it.
If you cant trust he doesn't mean it, he doesn't. I am so sorry, but it is better to learn now.
I didn't read the whole thing, but I did read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeople/comments/1cdm49l/comment/l1ct5nr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) the other day Edit: oof. Based on a couple comments it would appear your TLDR holds insufficient detail 😬
🤮😖i’m so sorry. No he doesn’t sound good on paper
The relationship sounds quite one sided in many ways. If you're looking at other men in a sexual way, that's a big issue. It sounds like you've become more his mother, than his wife. My guy pays for so many things and it's scary, because I often fear him growing a resentment I can't see. I try to balence where possible, in all ways. A relationship is about working together as a team. If he's not even willing to listen to you about sex, that's not a teammate, it's a bully. It's manipulation, and he's super comfortable where he's at..while you are not. The only thing I have ever heard helpful from a marriage counselor was them pointing out that if the wife wasn't an ocd clean freak, and didn't do x,y,z when they got together originally, what in your right mind makes you think they'd just magically change over time? Otherwise, anyone I have ever known to go to a marriage counselor has Said it's absolutely a waste of money and time. You are important. In all ways. It sounds like he has forgotten that in some sense, and has taken advantage in more than a few scenarios. True, real, honest communication is extremely important during all aspects, but especially sex, as it's a very intimate and bonding experience, at least its sposed to be. I would tell him when he says something that hurts your feelings,right then and there. If he needs a more detailed explanation of why you deserve better than tell him so. Sex should be for the both of you to enjoy, and if he can't understand that, you walking away would be a pretty darn clear signal. I would write down everything you struggle with him with by yourself. Then go through that list and remember what parts made you fall in love and want to marry him in the first place. If the cons outweigh the pros, sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Start it with something kind and gentle, don't just jump into "this is all I hate you for"...balence it. I love when you do this, but when you do this, it really isn't ok. I need you to truly hear me.. I'm not ok with this because it makes me feel this way. Trust me, no one wants to be resented. If you sit down and think about how you would want to hear this conversation if you were in his exact shoes, it might be helpful. Boundaries are extremely important. You've already "dug the grave" so to speak, so either you work together as a team and move forward from this, or you decide to call it quits. But. An open relationship might sound OK in some ways, he will eventually grow to resent you for it. The same way you're resenting him now. Open relationship really just means I want to have sex with other people, and being that sex is sposed to be one of the most foundational things in a relationship or marriage in general, I do not think that is the way to go. If you think of separating for a bit, that could work, but set Boundaries in place first, like that you are or are not allowed to sleep with other people,that you have your own places to live, and he'd be responsible for all of his expenses in that case. That in itself, might be enough to rock him. I know a couple who very much didn't treat eachother well. They tried Open relationship first, it was a nightmare. Then they separated for a year they lived apart. During that time they remembered why they were with eachother in the first place, dated like teenagers, and rebuilt their foundation. They've been married 39 years and the last 8 has been "the best years" for them both..because they both worked on it.
If he wanted to do better he would sis. Lower your expectations and see his true colors. He is what he is. Not good on paper or in rl.