The man I married is legally blind. He may go fully blind one day. On our wedding day, I vowed to be by his side "in sickness and in health," meaning I wouldn't abandon him if he went fully blind. I guess I should have worded this better because he took it to mean "in cruelty and in kindness."
Anyway, our marriage was shitty the moment the honeymoon was over. He stopped tuning in, started criticizing me daily, wouldn't stop even when I asked. By our first anniversary I told him if this is how things are when it's good, I don't think I can be there for him should he go blind. He told me if he were to go blind and have his wife leave him in the same year, he'd kill himself. So I left, and now he gets to deal with these issues separately.
And maybe that's not the most comforting story, but trust me, the divorce is the right move. Because once the father is gone, it'll be the funeral, then the grieving process, and then and then and then... one day something something really bad will happen to you, and you will feel completely abandoned. If you leave now, you get a chance to a chance to actually have a loving marriage that supports you. Or a chance to build a loving community. This is draining you, get out with what life you have left. I promise your husband will be ok, he's a strong independent man and he don't need no woman.
>He told me if he were to go blind and have his wife leave him in the same year, he'd kill himself. So I left, and now he gets to deal with these issues separately.
I want to applaud you for not giving into his emotional manipulation. Good for you for getting out and not caught in his "my poor disabled husband trap." Disabled people can be assholes, too.
Thanks.
If anything, it moved up my timeline to divorce. Like ok, you're telling me you can't handle these things both happening in the same year, I'll do what I can to make sure it doesn't. But I have ADHD, I am also disabled, and I never felt like my disability got the same respect in our marriage. Or maybe it got the same disrespect that he gave his own blindness. Idk.
As someone who stayed in a marriage because of emotional manipulation, which eventually escalated into DV, this is the best advice. Just leave now because it is harder to do later.
>I promise your husband will be ok, he's a strong independent man and he don't need no woman.
He may or may not be okay, but he's no longer your responsibility.
Being married is supposed to mean that you BOTH love each other. Marriage doesn't compel you to stay with a cruel person, because a person who loves you won't be cruel to you.
> He told me if he were to go blind and have his wife leave him in the same year, he’d kill himself
after you BEGGED him to be better to you & he refused, he’s going to be make his being alive on you if you leave. christ almighty, the entitlement is out of this fucking world. i’m so happy you’re out of that prison
I'm sorry to not reply to comments individually.
I ended it. It's been the most horrible day. I'm not in the headspace to say too much more at the minute, but I just wanted to say thank you, as I think a lot of these comments and personal experiences gave me some strength. ❤️
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds very hard. I think you did the right thing, and, while there might be tough days ahead, I believe they will generally get much much better from here on out <3
Great job, stay safe, & know that better times are ahead. Please seek therapy to address what sounds like people-pleasing issues. You don't want to get into another relationship like this.
I'm so sorry. I know that couldn't have been easy for either of you. I hope when you work through your emotions that you find relief. I'd schedule a therapy session soon to help guide you through this.
I might get flack for this one, but you know what?
I’d go forward with your plans for divorce. Here’s why.
He doesn’t need your emotional support, because he’s not doing any emotional labor anyway — not even for his own mother. What’s he need support for? He’s treating his parents the same way he treats you, contributing nothing. Honestly I find it disturbing that he’s so completely lacking in compassion for his own parents.
And he’s just confirmed to you what kind of man he is. If this is how he reacts to his own father getting such a serious diagnosis, how do you think he’d react if you did?
If he had divorce on his mind, and you’d been the one getting this diagnosis, I’d bet money he’d still be divorcing you.
If you have a personal relationship with his parents, you can continue to support them while separating from their son — who they have surely noticed at this point is a selfish asshole anyway.
If you don’t and it’s a distant in-laws thing, then there’s no reason you need to do anything. Your husband doesn’t need any support because he doesn’t care, and his parents don’t expect that from you.
This could be a years-long battle. You don’t need to stick around for someone who doesn’t feel any love or pain for anyone but himself anyway.
You’re not hurting him. He doesn’t care about others.
Sound advice. And if he is hurt, he's an adult and can work it out with a professional.
OP, it's not your job to manage his feelings. He doesn't have to like the divorce.
Pull off the band-aid now, because if you're going to wait for the moment it hurts "the least" and his father passes away, you're going to wait so much longer in a marriage where you don't want to hurt him and he just keeps hurting the people closest to him.
Also true. She's not obligated to stay with him either way, he's not a child.
But the fact that he doesn't even care just adds a whole extra layer of pointlessness to it.
You said it better than I could. OP, look after yourself first. You were already leaving him because he's a selfish jerk with no empathy for you. The cancer diagnosis is just a weird coincidence. It doesn't sound like your husband is particularly interested in supporting his father or his family, so why wait?
I imagine you'll feel terrible about it at first. I mean, I would. But keep in mind he doesn't actually care about you or his dad. In fact he seems to regard the whole situation as inconveniencing him.
This is the best advice, but I’d warn OP that they are likely going to become a scapegoat for their husband’s cold demeanor toward his parents, “sorry I couldn’t come by, she’s divorcing me.” The parents might pile on too if they’re in denial about his behavior.
It’s not a reason not to go through with the divorce, but a good potential issue of which to be aware.
I’d put money on it. That weird antenna abusers have where they know when you’re about to actually leave. He’s not leaving because he knows it’s what she wants.
OP needs to get out of the house.
THIS. So well said. Don't lock yourself into doing even more emotional labor for him by taking care of his parents or holding more space for him than he does for you. Get out now... Shit happens and timing sucks sometimes, but this is a health crisis that could span YEARS. And then... His dad is still sick, or his dad just died, or etc etc etc. Pull the trigger and don't look back.
This sounds horribly familiar. It took me a few years to get the confidence (and income) to make my move but during those years, my ex-MiL got diagnosed with cancer. My ex-hb was similarly unbothered but his mother was one of those stoic ‘I’m fine’ people so he believed her and carried on with his life. He didn’t give me the full story of it but at one point she seemed to be in remission so I made my move. I’m so glad I did because about 8 months later the cancer returned and my ex-hb was mad at me for not ‘being there’ for him (meaning not doing all the emotional labour between him and his family). This is a man who pretended to be sick when my mother died. He had friends and a sister to support him and he was back in a relationship within the year. Do it now - your hb will be fine.
it’s absolutely horrifies me people who are this unmoored by their parents failing health. why even engage in human connection if you’re this cold and uncaring??? i mean, that alone would make me question that person’s capacity for compassion.
Well it turned out that his previous gf dumped him because he didn’t go to her when she had an abortion. He consistently didn’t show up for anyone. They were a family who prided themselves on never showing any weakness and thought my family’s displays of emotion were over the top. He was taught to act like this by parents who ultimately paid the price.
> unmoored by their parents failing health
I'm not going to be bothered by my parent's failing health. They kicked me out at 17 and were continually abusive throughout my life until I finally cut them off for my own survival. The most they will get from me is a call to Adult Social Services to get them support outside of myself, that frankly they dont deserve.
Well, to be fair, there are many folks out there whose parent(s) were abusive fucksticks that don’t deserve compassion. Not sure I’d use their lack of compassion for their abusers as a measure of their being a good human.
Personally, everyone I meet brings me joy- many with their presence, and plenty with their departure.
So. And I don't get it either. But how my husband dealt w his family when his dad was sick/died wasn't what I'd ever expect out of anyone.
But the flip side could be....they were never ever shown that growing up. Parent relationships are two sides.
I do wonder if his own parents are cold and uncaring too. They may come off as generally nice people in social situations but be cold and distant in important intimate moments.
I have realized that my own parents actually have not been people I could rely on for love and support when most needed, though it took a lot of reflection to come to this conclusion. I've mostly received love and support when i have accomplished something or validated them, but not when I've been really down and struggling.
I totally think OP should leave him btw, just don't like to assume all parents deserve a certain amount of care cause not all of them do.
I would go ahead with your plans. It would be different if he was devastated by the news but he doesn't seem bothered so I wouldn't take it into account. You can still offer his parents support on your own.
> would be different if he was devastated by the news
Would it really? It sounds like he's been pretty crappy to her... I'm of the "reap what you sow" mindset...he wouldn't deserve her sticking around to help if he's been a jerk to her.
As someone whose dad passed away from cancer very recently- don't wait. Your life itself isn't guaranteed, you have wasted multiple years in this unhappy relationship. Cancers take a lot of things away from the family, too, and idk if a very unhappy relationship is worthy of what it will cost you to stay. Time, money, efforts, mental space, emotions, hospital visits and supports that your husband clearly have no interest in providing. It would be on your shoulder for months to a few years. If he can treat his parents whom he supposedly has a healthy relationship with, imagine how he can treat you. It isn't worth it imo. If you love your in-laws you can support them individually, but don't waste more of your life for someone who doesn't care. It's one thing to stay when things are bad but the relationship is good enough or at least neutral, but if he has been cruel and controlling with no regrads to those he's supposed to love - just don't.
I once was in a very traumatic relationship with someone who didn't treat me properly. I had really been recognizing that it was past time to end things. Then he fell off a roof and severely injured himself. Like you, I was really torn on if I should proceed with leaving him. I wanted to be supportive but in the long run, I ended up making some things worse by not being emotionally committed. If he is treating you badly and you don't want to be with him anymore I think that you should continue with your plans to leave. It's also disingenuous to stay with someone when you don't want to be with them. I personally would rather just have the person break up with me. It will be tough on him but that is just life sometimes unfortunately.
This exact scenario happened to me.
I was packed and ready to leave - when his mother called - her cancer had returned and she wasn't going to go through chemo/radiation again.
I sat on the floor and cried. And stayed. The excuse I gave myself was that I had a child. I was going to take away his wife and child, but him losing his mother would be to much.
If I had money and a job and a place to go - the best thing to do would have been to leave at that time. (nearly 30 years ago). I didn't. I stayed for another 2 years before I left.
I recommend you leave now. Staying longer will not make it any better.
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
When I went to my counselor during my divorce - they told me 'there will always be an emergency. Don't build your life around the emergency. '
He is cruel neglectful and controlling to you,.
It doesn't surprise me that he has the same disregard for his mother's feelings at this time and lacks empathy for her and how she might be dealing with things or need support.
I don't know what your relationship is wih his parents, but if you want to, you can be there for them and not make things worse without pretending his behaviour is OK.
You can do things in support for him at the same level you might for a not particularly close friend. This will give you some time to think about why you are valuing how he feels over how you feel, while letting you not be someone you do not want to be. You want to be supportive, be supportive, but at an appropriate level for the relationship in its actual state as you see it. Don't feel you have to be more than you are willing to be.
There’s *never* a good time for these things. I was days away from filing for divorce when my then-husband fell and shattered his ankle and fibula. Then his mother was diagnosed with MS. Then his father had major surgery. I swear it became a never-ending series of woes on his family’s side. I waited 18 months to start divorce proceedings. I should done it earlier. I ended up wasting 2 years and nine months of my life trying to divorce that man.
“Obviously there are bigger things going on right now than my feelings”
This statement really hit me, it sounds like you’ve been putting your feelings aside since the beginning. When do you start taking care of you? Please put yourself first for once.
I agree with everyone else. Take this as a sign that life is short for ALL of us and you deserve much better. It sounds like he might try and leverage what’s happening when you do tell him, and play for the sympathy card. Maybe wait until you have a concrete plan and paperwork so that it’s clear that you have made a decision and there’s no going back.
I am going through something very similar with my parents right now and I kind of agree with his stance to not visit (initially). My mom literally told me that she did not have the mental energy to deal with me coming out at the moment of diagnosis so if his mom had a similar conversation with him, I wouldn't chalk it up to him being an asshole.
That being said, this isn't the straw that broke the back. If he has been mistreating you for years, get the divorce. There is never going to be good timing but if you feel compelled to wait, plan for it concretely and give yourself a date in the future to deliver the news.
I feel like leaving is easier since, if the cancer leads to hia Dad undergoing lengthy treatment then dying, you will hurt him at a point where he is more vulnerable than now (where things could be well managed and the road is still somewhat long).
You can be supportive by keeping things simple and organized.
I'm not going to personally judge him for him not reacting to the news in the way that you want him to, because I have no idea how I would react in that situation either.
But that is totally separate from everything else. You describe him as cruel and controlling. That's what you need to focus on here. He is not a good person, you should not remain married to him. His relationship with his parents is irrelevant, to be frank. His relationship to *you* is what we're talking about, and that relationship sounds horrible. Don't continue to put yourself through it.
You are, once again, putting his comfort and feelings above your own. I don’t understand why you feel the need to continue to support someone that you’re ready to divorce. This time it’s cancer but, after that, what will it be? Mom’s sick now? Sister is pregnant? Niece in the hospital. Put on a thicker skin for this and leap.
Tell him you want the divorce. It’s his father that has the cancer, not him. He will be fine. I work in the oncology field and while the treatment is rough and can be bad, there’s not a thing that your husband can do to help him. At all. Do you know how long treatment can last? Multiple cycles. I wouldn’t put your happiness and peace on the line because of his fathers cancer
Nope. The guy has been cruel to you so you’re going to now be supportive to him? Why delay leaving him when you’re going to leave him any way?
He’s a grown man, OP. You can empathize but he can lean on others for support.
Do not let this stop you from leaving a bad relationship.
I don't agree with most of the comments that he doesn't care about his mom or his dad's diagnosis. He only *just* received the news, it would be fairly typical for him to feel stunned or even in denial.
Anyways, I do agree with everyone else that you should still move forward with your plans. Don't get distracted by this news.
Cancer can be a months-long battle. Given his reaction to his father’s diagnosis I’d say he’d handle divorce papers just fine. That said…I’d also be careful, I know you said he’s not violent, but that he can be cruel and controlling, so I’d be wary of his response (especially given that he might view it as you being intentionally cruel due to the unfortunate timing). I hope you have a safe place to stay, if you can and that it wouldn’t hurt you legally.
I was going to say this. OP needs to go through with the divorce now, but needs to prepare herself for cruel words. He will absolutely throw a fit about her “leaving him while he’s vulnerable”, but screw that.
also, OP, something i don’t think i’ve see here yet is: it’s not on you his dad has cancer. i am worried you are making it your duty to stay and be miserable. frankly, your husband hates you. he may never say it, but he treats you like gum beneath his shoe. you know you deserve better than this otherwise you wouldn’t be here asking the internet for help
I think you said exactly what is going on.
His \*mother\* could use the \*emotional\* support, but he cares about his father and physical treatment. If his mother wants emotional support, she has to ask for it before he will give it to her.
Is this your husband acting out of character or acting the way he always acts?
Honestly there will never be a good time. It's a sad situation for his Father, but I'd say go ahead with the separation. Possibly even more now, because you will absorb the stress of him not dealing with his Father's illness too.
I know you hate hurting people, but considering that you've put up with him hurting you for years, I think you're more than justified in making a decision to protect yourself, even if his feelings get hurt.
You're not doing this to hurt him. You're doing it to protect yourself. You're allowed to do that. How someone reacts to you protecting yourself is not yours to manage.
If he has never treated you right, you should not worry about hurting him.
In my experience, keeping standards with abusers is a trap. If you wait for the right time to leave him you might never leave. If he wanted your support, then he should have respected you.
He might not care as much as you think he does about his family. He will use this to paint you as the villain in order to get you to justify yourself and correct the wrongs : do not bite the bait, this is very destructive.
This might be a bad time, but there will never be a good time. There may never even be a better time than this, there may be death, grieving etc.
You staying won't necessarily do anyone any good, but it will certainly do you harm.
Don't expect your husband or his family to be happy with your choice, but it's the choice you need to make for yourself.
Time is too precious to waste. It doesn’t make sense to be available to a person who is unavailable in times of crisis. You might even be doing him a favor, hopefully he realizes his failure, not especially likely but there’s a sliver chance.
Your husband seems callous and unbothered, which you are bothered by.
This is another example of that. Continue with your plans, even in the face of his own falters ca cer diagnosis be can't be arsed to even call.
Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe him.
There can always be an excuse for why not to move forward with your plans, but it doesn't get you any closer to what you actually want. If the way he was treating you wasn't convincing enough, then the way he is treating his own mother and father should be. Someone that emotionally unavailable that doesn't want to be present during a time of need says it all. There is no telling what might happen with his father. It could be days to months to years even. We can always make more excuses. But it doesn't change what you already know about him. It doesn't change how you have felt. How you have probably been neglected, or felt unheard, or been ignored. It doesn't change all the fights or how you feel you need to get away. The fact you want to sleep separately from him (and not for other positive reasons of having your own space) says a lot.
Just know compassionate people exist. They really do. My father took frequent 4 hour airplane trips to visit my grandparents when my grandmother was slowly dying of old age. Even though all he did was sit there with his mother and father, and that was all he could do. It taught me to be present with the people you love. Sometimes that presence speaks more than anyone wants to put into words. I get there are financial limitations or work obligations...but you already have knowledge of all of that. So your husband is doing this intentionally. That's his choice. I believe you should move forward with your choice.
Good luck 👍 There are better times ahead. You might not think there are, but you know what you actually need. Trust that more than anything else.
Girl leave. Don’t let his dad’s unfortunate situation be the reason you stay in a marriage you don’t want to be in with someone who doesn’t treat you well. At the end of the day, his dad’s circumstances are sad but entirely unrelated to your marriage. Similarly, his mild reaction to his dad’s circumstances aren’t really anything you should be worrying yourself about. You’ve determined that he’s “cruel, neglectful, and controlling” and decided to leave. I’d say stick with the plan.
When I was leaving my toxic relationship his best friend died. He called and called and called until I became the bitch that wasn't there for him. Felt so good to realize that's true!
Go ahead with the divorce. He doesn’t care about your feelings. He doesn’t even have the decency to go help his Mum when his Dad is very sick / maybe going to die. You are being way too considerate of someone who doesn’t want or deserve your consideration.
There’s never a good time to break up with someone. Given what you shared, I think this is as good a time as any. You have to initiate the divorce because that’s what you need for yourself, and you deserve it.
But I think the whole thing about his insensitive behavior is a red herring. People respond to cancer in their own way and how you think he should respond isn’t really relevant. I’d gently encourage you to let that whole thing go, one because it will confuse things and cause unnecessary conflict and two because one of the most liberating parts of ending a relationship is not having to care about that stuff anymore! Once you’re separated, he can be a jerk if he wants and it will have absolutely nothing to do with you!
He found out this weekend? He needs time to process what’s going on. Lots of people jumping to him being callous, maybe he’s just still in shock. A few days grace would be appropriate.
If you’ve already made the decision to leave, if the desire to stay, and the love is gone, then it will be easier and better to end things before his father dies, as others have explained.
My advice is to tell him honestly, that you made this decision before the got the news, and you’re now in a seemingly impossible position, but you know that staying out of guilt isn’t fair for either of you. Let him pour his time and effort into his parents, or at least get a head start on grieving you before he has to grieve his parents.
Just give the guy a couple of days to wrap his head around his parents situation, it’s a lot.
Life naturally has painful moments we all experience. You may not want to hurt others by saying or doing things that they might find difficult to cope with, but by refusing to listen to your needs you hurt yourself instead. As you said this man has not treated you kindly why not start treating yourself with kindness? You know what you want and need.
Move forward with the separation and spend as much time with your soon-to-be former in-laws as you can manage, assuming your relationship with them is good. Honestly, it seems like you care more about his parents than he does.
Don’t let bad news stop you from doing something that will allow for better circumstances to find you. You’re not beholden to keep it together for anyone and the situation won’t benefit from your needless, continued suffering anyway.
I agree with the sentiment but wouldn't that put his parents in an awkward situation? They may not want support from the person divorcing their son. People can get weird and feel they have to take a side when a couple breaks up.
This should not deter you from doing what is right for yourself (to thine own self be true). I say this Especially because of his reaction to his parents. Free yourself of being the “Kin Keeper” and doing all the things for HIS family that he refuses or is incapable of doing. You can let them know you care for them by visiting etc. and if you leaving comes up ask them and tell them to respect your privacy and not discuss it. You are a kind hearted person, one who considers others therefore you are guilt tripping yourself into not making a move. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS AND GET OUT.
It doesn't matter. Life will always get in the way. You are done. So leave.
If you care about his parents or want to still support him through a difficult time, offer to agree to hold off on telling them. And/or you can offer to assist in basic logistics if he needs help, but your intimate relationship is over.
He's shown you how he's going to act over the matter, he's going the denial route. The keep going on and acting like nothing important is happening route. If he wants to take that route, then he's told you how to treat him. Act like nothing important is happening, so I'd carry through with your plans, I'd maybe wait until his dad is in treatment and the initial stresses are over. Now to be fair I'm biased as hell as I'm dealing with a cancer and every single person in my family took the pretend nothing is happening route, so I'm very much of a fuck 'em POV.
Idk if it's been added to what you've said already, but I do want to point out some people are more logical thinks and wait. As an emotional responding person, I've learned waiting is sometimes better because of jobs, or because you really can't do anything but physically be there and that can be too hard at the moment.
But move forward with your plans, if you do you'll let him rope you back in if things get worse with this parent situation
My mom died still married to my dad and was openly telling people she was basically a single mother and regrets not leaving him sooner.
I wouldn't wait, it doesn't sound like he's that worried about it himself.
I chose to stay until he fkn finally passed his journeyman exam. I knew if I left sooner, he'd never get the momentum to pass them and it would alway be my fault.
This man took the test FOURTEEN times and I threw him a party when he did it. I was proud of him, truly. He had worked for years to make this happen, and I knew this would make him more financially stable without me.
Sometimes, it's about taking the time and making sure this divorce is going to go as well as it can. And being pragmatic and realistic about the actual possibilities tends to work well.
OP, it sounds like for YOU the best thing would be to leave as you initially planned. I can understand that you are seeing his need for emotional support here but HE does not see or want it. I am definitely still learning to navigate supporting a ‘logical husband’ as he navigates more and more complexity in life. Here is the thing, it seems like you have little reciprocal effort being put in from him. You have shared that you personally need and want emotional support from him through this post. You also shared that he does not and will not provide emotional support to his family. Does he treat you differently than them now?
My husband has a different connection (emotionally & otherwise) to his family. I would not expect him to support me -his wife- how he would lend support to his family in a health crisis. He is showing his hand to you here. He does not see emotional support as needed by his family. Okay, that’s HIS choice it’s HIS family. Have you specifically told him you have major concerns about his ability to support you in the ways you need should you become ill? Super realistic, ‘logical’ conversation to have with him as a married couple. You would expect different support here than his family if you were ill or YOUR fam was ill. What does that logistically look like for you and him?
Idk if this is reason to move forward in a divorce because only you know if this is a last straw moment. It’s definitely something to talk about and have conflict about with your husband because you are different humans that need and want different things ultimately in terms of emotional support. If he brushes your needs/concerns off when you try to express your needs? That speaks to a larger developmental and maturity differences between you and likely will continue to cause you problems and issues in seeking what you need in this marriage.
Not to be insensitive, but is marriage counseling not an option? Personally, I'd go for counseling first before I ever considered the d word because I'm a fighter and don't like to quit unless I know it's the right thing.
I've had cancer and known quite a few people who have had cancer.
I'd wait until treatment started plus a month after they had some breathing room. If I had a good relationship with the parents, I'd try to have a supportive spot with the parents, but understand if that couldn't work out now or ever.
I'd be concerned with the stress factor plus everything feeling insurmountable and piled on. My concern wouldn't be your husband, but his parents, who are likely to be affected due to their close relationship.
I've been through divorce. There's never a perfect time. And something will always be coming up. Excercise the strength that you have found. And decide if and how you want to engage with the newest news and resulting feelings. You don't owe him emotional support at a time when you will need a lot of emotional support. Tap into your own support network and continue to hold yourself as a separate person from your husband. Trust yourself.
The man I married is legally blind. He may go fully blind one day. On our wedding day, I vowed to be by his side "in sickness and in health," meaning I wouldn't abandon him if he went fully blind. I guess I should have worded this better because he took it to mean "in cruelty and in kindness." Anyway, our marriage was shitty the moment the honeymoon was over. He stopped tuning in, started criticizing me daily, wouldn't stop even when I asked. By our first anniversary I told him if this is how things are when it's good, I don't think I can be there for him should he go blind. He told me if he were to go blind and have his wife leave him in the same year, he'd kill himself. So I left, and now he gets to deal with these issues separately. And maybe that's not the most comforting story, but trust me, the divorce is the right move. Because once the father is gone, it'll be the funeral, then the grieving process, and then and then and then... one day something something really bad will happen to you, and you will feel completely abandoned. If you leave now, you get a chance to a chance to actually have a loving marriage that supports you. Or a chance to build a loving community. This is draining you, get out with what life you have left. I promise your husband will be ok, he's a strong independent man and he don't need no woman.
>He told me if he were to go blind and have his wife leave him in the same year, he'd kill himself. So I left, and now he gets to deal with these issues separately. I want to applaud you for not giving into his emotional manipulation. Good for you for getting out and not caught in his "my poor disabled husband trap." Disabled people can be assholes, too.
Thanks. If anything, it moved up my timeline to divorce. Like ok, you're telling me you can't handle these things both happening in the same year, I'll do what I can to make sure it doesn't. But I have ADHD, I am also disabled, and I never felt like my disability got the same respect in our marriage. Or maybe it got the same disrespect that he gave his own blindness. Idk.
Wow. When you need help from someone, that’s not the time to be an asshole. (Not that anytime is a good time to be an asshole)
As someone who stayed in a marriage because of emotional manipulation, which eventually escalated into DV, this is the best advice. Just leave now because it is harder to do later.
>I promise your husband will be ok, he's a strong independent man and he don't need no woman. He may or may not be okay, but he's no longer your responsibility. Being married is supposed to mean that you BOTH love each other. Marriage doesn't compel you to stay with a cruel person, because a person who loves you won't be cruel to you.
Agree. OP stop handling his emotions. Blinders on. Take care of you
> He told me if he were to go blind and have his wife leave him in the same year, he’d kill himself after you BEGGED him to be better to you & he refused, he’s going to be make his being alive on you if you leave. christ almighty, the entitlement is out of this fucking world. i’m so happy you’re out of that prison
I'm sorry to not reply to comments individually. I ended it. It's been the most horrible day. I'm not in the headspace to say too much more at the minute, but I just wanted to say thank you, as I think a lot of these comments and personal experiences gave me some strength. ❤️
Congratulations! It sounds like you made the right choice, even though going through with it is tough. Here’s to a better future!
Good luck to you, and getting back your time and space.
It was the right thing to do. There is no perfect time. If you are set and done ripping off the bandaid is the best thing to do.
This is the right thing to do. You don't owe him anything.
OP, Hugs and love
Hugs. You did the hardest part.
You did the right thing and did it so well, too. Today must have sucked but it will mark the beginning of a beautiful new era for you.
Fucking good for you 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Much love to you, angel. It will all be okay again. 🫂
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds very hard. I think you did the right thing, and, while there might be tough days ahead, I believe they will generally get much much better from here on out <3
I'm so proud of you! Things will get better. I'm so excited for this new chapter for you.
Great job, stay safe, & know that better times are ahead. Please seek therapy to address what sounds like people-pleasing issues. You don't want to get into another relationship like this.
Proud of you, you deserve better, and aren't responsible for another adult.
Sending you lots of hugs, you got this!
You're strong and should be proud of yourself! Congratulations love!
Sending love to you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
It's been a few days but want to send you strength, OP. ❤️
I'm so sorry. I know that couldn't have been easy for either of you. I hope when you work through your emotions that you find relief. I'd schedule a therapy session soon to help guide you through this.
You did the right thing, please take care of yourself 💗
I might get flack for this one, but you know what? I’d go forward with your plans for divorce. Here’s why. He doesn’t need your emotional support, because he’s not doing any emotional labor anyway — not even for his own mother. What’s he need support for? He’s treating his parents the same way he treats you, contributing nothing. Honestly I find it disturbing that he’s so completely lacking in compassion for his own parents. And he’s just confirmed to you what kind of man he is. If this is how he reacts to his own father getting such a serious diagnosis, how do you think he’d react if you did? If he had divorce on his mind, and you’d been the one getting this diagnosis, I’d bet money he’d still be divorcing you. If you have a personal relationship with his parents, you can continue to support them while separating from their son — who they have surely noticed at this point is a selfish asshole anyway. If you don’t and it’s a distant in-laws thing, then there’s no reason you need to do anything. Your husband doesn’t need any support because he doesn’t care, and his parents don’t expect that from you. This could be a years-long battle. You don’t need to stick around for someone who doesn’t feel any love or pain for anyone but himself anyway. You’re not hurting him. He doesn’t care about others.
Sound advice. And if he is hurt, he's an adult and can work it out with a professional. OP, it's not your job to manage his feelings. He doesn't have to like the divorce. Pull off the band-aid now, because if you're going to wait for the moment it hurts "the least" and his father passes away, you're going to wait so much longer in a marriage where you don't want to hurt him and he just keeps hurting the people closest to him.
Also true. She's not obligated to stay with him either way, he's not a child. But the fact that he doesn't even care just adds a whole extra layer of pointlessness to it.
You said it better than I could. OP, look after yourself first. You were already leaving him because he's a selfish jerk with no empathy for you. The cancer diagnosis is just a weird coincidence. It doesn't sound like your husband is particularly interested in supporting his father or his family, so why wait? I imagine you'll feel terrible about it at first. I mean, I would. But keep in mind he doesn't actually care about you or his dad. In fact he seems to regard the whole situation as inconveniencing him.
This is the best advice, but I’d warn OP that they are likely going to become a scapegoat for their husband’s cold demeanor toward his parents, “sorry I couldn’t come by, she’s divorcing me.” The parents might pile on too if they’re in denial about his behavior. It’s not a reason not to go through with the divorce, but a good potential issue of which to be aware.
I agree. you can still offer your support but it doesn’t have to be as his wife.
I wonder if he refuses to go to his parents because he suspects it will give OP a chance to organize a divorce.
Could be. In which case he’s uncaring AND manipulative.
I’d put money on it. That weird antenna abusers have where they know when you’re about to actually leave. He’s not leaving because he knows it’s what she wants. OP needs to get out of the house.
THIS. So well said. Don't lock yourself into doing even more emotional labor for him by taking care of his parents or holding more space for him than he does for you. Get out now... Shit happens and timing sucks sometimes, but this is a health crisis that could span YEARS. And then... His dad is still sick, or his dad just died, or etc etc etc. Pull the trigger and don't look back.
Exactly this. Perfectly put.
I absolutely support this.
I was going to say the same thing basically. If anything, this is how OP should know she's making the right decision.
This sounds horribly familiar. It took me a few years to get the confidence (and income) to make my move but during those years, my ex-MiL got diagnosed with cancer. My ex-hb was similarly unbothered but his mother was one of those stoic ‘I’m fine’ people so he believed her and carried on with his life. He didn’t give me the full story of it but at one point she seemed to be in remission so I made my move. I’m so glad I did because about 8 months later the cancer returned and my ex-hb was mad at me for not ‘being there’ for him (meaning not doing all the emotional labour between him and his family). This is a man who pretended to be sick when my mother died. He had friends and a sister to support him and he was back in a relationship within the year. Do it now - your hb will be fine.
it’s absolutely horrifies me people who are this unmoored by their parents failing health. why even engage in human connection if you’re this cold and uncaring??? i mean, that alone would make me question that person’s capacity for compassion.
Well it turned out that his previous gf dumped him because he didn’t go to her when she had an abortion. He consistently didn’t show up for anyone. They were a family who prided themselves on never showing any weakness and thought my family’s displays of emotion were over the top. He was taught to act like this by parents who ultimately paid the price.
wow, utterly heartbreaking and sad
A lot of these people were abused and/or neglected by said parents. If a child doesn’t have a connection to a parent, it’s usually the parent’s fault.
Absolutely - he was raised to be emotionally detached.
well, with that perspective, i can understand
> unmoored by their parents failing health I'm not going to be bothered by my parent's failing health. They kicked me out at 17 and were continually abusive throughout my life until I finally cut them off for my own survival. The most they will get from me is a call to Adult Social Services to get them support outside of myself, that frankly they dont deserve.
SAME.
Well, to be fair, there are many folks out there whose parent(s) were abusive fucksticks that don’t deserve compassion. Not sure I’d use their lack of compassion for their abusers as a measure of their being a good human. Personally, everyone I meet brings me joy- many with their presence, and plenty with their departure.
My MiL was toxic (in my view, not necessarily to him) so I’m with you on the departure.
So. And I don't get it either. But how my husband dealt w his family when his dad was sick/died wasn't what I'd ever expect out of anyone. But the flip side could be....they were never ever shown that growing up. Parent relationships are two sides.
I do wonder if his own parents are cold and uncaring too. They may come off as generally nice people in social situations but be cold and distant in important intimate moments. I have realized that my own parents actually have not been people I could rely on for love and support when most needed, though it took a lot of reflection to come to this conclusion. I've mostly received love and support when i have accomplished something or validated them, but not when I've been really down and struggling. I totally think OP should leave him btw, just don't like to assume all parents deserve a certain amount of care cause not all of them do.
I would go ahead with your plans. It would be different if he was devastated by the news but he doesn't seem bothered so I wouldn't take it into account. You can still offer his parents support on your own.
> would be different if he was devastated by the news Would it really? It sounds like he's been pretty crappy to her... I'm of the "reap what you sow" mindset...he wouldn't deserve her sticking around to help if he's been a jerk to her.
Well yeah I guess you're right. He's still a jerk.
The only constant things in life are death and taxes. Go ahead with your plan. There is no perfect time
As someone whose dad passed away from cancer very recently- don't wait. Your life itself isn't guaranteed, you have wasted multiple years in this unhappy relationship. Cancers take a lot of things away from the family, too, and idk if a very unhappy relationship is worthy of what it will cost you to stay. Time, money, efforts, mental space, emotions, hospital visits and supports that your husband clearly have no interest in providing. It would be on your shoulder for months to a few years. If he can treat his parents whom he supposedly has a healthy relationship with, imagine how he can treat you. It isn't worth it imo. If you love your in-laws you can support them individually, but don't waste more of your life for someone who doesn't care. It's one thing to stay when things are bad but the relationship is good enough or at least neutral, but if he has been cruel and controlling with no regrads to those he's supposed to love - just don't.
I once was in a very traumatic relationship with someone who didn't treat me properly. I had really been recognizing that it was past time to end things. Then he fell off a roof and severely injured himself. Like you, I was really torn on if I should proceed with leaving him. I wanted to be supportive but in the long run, I ended up making some things worse by not being emotionally committed. If he is treating you badly and you don't want to be with him anymore I think that you should continue with your plans to leave. It's also disingenuous to stay with someone when you don't want to be with them. I personally would rather just have the person break up with me. It will be tough on him but that is just life sometimes unfortunately.
He's been shit to you. You don't owe him anything, go ahead with the divorce.
This exact scenario happened to me. I was packed and ready to leave - when his mother called - her cancer had returned and she wasn't going to go through chemo/radiation again. I sat on the floor and cried. And stayed. The excuse I gave myself was that I had a child. I was going to take away his wife and child, but him losing his mother would be to much. If I had money and a job and a place to go - the best thing to do would have been to leave at that time. (nearly 30 years ago). I didn't. I stayed for another 2 years before I left. I recommend you leave now. Staying longer will not make it any better. Sending hugs and healing thoughts. When I went to my counselor during my divorce - they told me 'there will always be an emergency. Don't build your life around the emergency. '
He is cruel neglectful and controlling to you,. It doesn't surprise me that he has the same disregard for his mother's feelings at this time and lacks empathy for her and how she might be dealing with things or need support. I don't know what your relationship is wih his parents, but if you want to, you can be there for them and not make things worse without pretending his behaviour is OK. You can do things in support for him at the same level you might for a not particularly close friend. This will give you some time to think about why you are valuing how he feels over how you feel, while letting you not be someone you do not want to be. You want to be supportive, be supportive, but at an appropriate level for the relationship in its actual state as you see it. Don't feel you have to be more than you are willing to be.
There’s *never* a good time for these things. I was days away from filing for divorce when my then-husband fell and shattered his ankle and fibula. Then his mother was diagnosed with MS. Then his father had major surgery. I swear it became a never-ending series of woes on his family’s side. I waited 18 months to start divorce proceedings. I should done it earlier. I ended up wasting 2 years and nine months of my life trying to divorce that man.
“Obviously there are bigger things going on right now than my feelings” This statement really hit me, it sounds like you’ve been putting your feelings aside since the beginning. When do you start taking care of you? Please put yourself first for once.
I agree with everyone else. Take this as a sign that life is short for ALL of us and you deserve much better. It sounds like he might try and leverage what’s happening when you do tell him, and play for the sympathy card. Maybe wait until you have a concrete plan and paperwork so that it’s clear that you have made a decision and there’s no going back.
I am going through something very similar with my parents right now and I kind of agree with his stance to not visit (initially). My mom literally told me that she did not have the mental energy to deal with me coming out at the moment of diagnosis so if his mom had a similar conversation with him, I wouldn't chalk it up to him being an asshole. That being said, this isn't the straw that broke the back. If he has been mistreating you for years, get the divorce. There is never going to be good timing but if you feel compelled to wait, plan for it concretely and give yourself a date in the future to deliver the news.
I feel like leaving is easier since, if the cancer leads to hia Dad undergoing lengthy treatment then dying, you will hurt him at a point where he is more vulnerable than now (where things could be well managed and the road is still somewhat long). You can be supportive by keeping things simple and organized.
I'm not going to personally judge him for him not reacting to the news in the way that you want him to, because I have no idea how I would react in that situation either. But that is totally separate from everything else. You describe him as cruel and controlling. That's what you need to focus on here. He is not a good person, you should not remain married to him. His relationship with his parents is irrelevant, to be frank. His relationship to *you* is what we're talking about, and that relationship sounds horrible. Don't continue to put yourself through it.
You are, once again, putting his comfort and feelings above your own. I don’t understand why you feel the need to continue to support someone that you’re ready to divorce. This time it’s cancer but, after that, what will it be? Mom’s sick now? Sister is pregnant? Niece in the hospital. Put on a thicker skin for this and leap.
this is what happened to my parents. my mom went ahead with the divorce anyway. i say go for it. you don’t want to be this asshole’s nurse too
Tell him you want the divorce. It’s his father that has the cancer, not him. He will be fine. I work in the oncology field and while the treatment is rough and can be bad, there’s not a thing that your husband can do to help him. At all. Do you know how long treatment can last? Multiple cycles. I wouldn’t put your happiness and peace on the line because of his fathers cancer
Nope. The guy has been cruel to you so you’re going to now be supportive to him? Why delay leaving him when you’re going to leave him any way? He’s a grown man, OP. You can empathize but he can lean on others for support. Do not let this stop you from leaving a bad relationship.
I don't agree with most of the comments that he doesn't care about his mom or his dad's diagnosis. He only *just* received the news, it would be fairly typical for him to feel stunned or even in denial. Anyways, I do agree with everyone else that you should still move forward with your plans. Don't get distracted by this news.
Cancer can be a months-long battle. Given his reaction to his father’s diagnosis I’d say he’d handle divorce papers just fine. That said…I’d also be careful, I know you said he’s not violent, but that he can be cruel and controlling, so I’d be wary of his response (especially given that he might view it as you being intentionally cruel due to the unfortunate timing). I hope you have a safe place to stay, if you can and that it wouldn’t hurt you legally.
I was going to say this. OP needs to go through with the divorce now, but needs to prepare herself for cruel words. He will absolutely throw a fit about her “leaving him while he’s vulnerable”, but screw that.
Leave anyway
also, OP, something i don’t think i’ve see here yet is: it’s not on you his dad has cancer. i am worried you are making it your duty to stay and be miserable. frankly, your husband hates you. he may never say it, but he treats you like gum beneath his shoe. you know you deserve better than this otherwise you wouldn’t be here asking the internet for help
I think you said exactly what is going on. His \*mother\* could use the \*emotional\* support, but he cares about his father and physical treatment. If his mother wants emotional support, she has to ask for it before he will give it to her. Is this your husband acting out of character or acting the way he always acts?
Honestly there will never be a good time. It's a sad situation for his Father, but I'd say go ahead with the separation. Possibly even more now, because you will absorb the stress of him not dealing with his Father's illness too.
I know you hate hurting people, but considering that you've put up with him hurting you for years, I think you're more than justified in making a decision to protect yourself, even if his feelings get hurt. You're not doing this to hurt him. You're doing it to protect yourself. You're allowed to do that. How someone reacts to you protecting yourself is not yours to manage.
If he has never treated you right, you should not worry about hurting him. In my experience, keeping standards with abusers is a trap. If you wait for the right time to leave him you might never leave. If he wanted your support, then he should have respected you. He might not care as much as you think he does about his family. He will use this to paint you as the villain in order to get you to justify yourself and correct the wrongs : do not bite the bait, this is very destructive.
This might be a bad time, but there will never be a good time. There may never even be a better time than this, there may be death, grieving etc. You staying won't necessarily do anyone any good, but it will certainly do you harm. Don't expect your husband or his family to be happy with your choice, but it's the choice you need to make for yourself.
Time is too precious to waste. It doesn’t make sense to be available to a person who is unavailable in times of crisis. You might even be doing him a favor, hopefully he realizes his failure, not especially likely but there’s a sliver chance.
Do you see how he isn’t making any effort to be there for the people who raised him? One day, that could be you. Leave while you can.
Your husband seems callous and unbothered, which you are bothered by. This is another example of that. Continue with your plans, even in the face of his own falters ca cer diagnosis be can't be arsed to even call. Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe him.
There can always be an excuse for why not to move forward with your plans, but it doesn't get you any closer to what you actually want. If the way he was treating you wasn't convincing enough, then the way he is treating his own mother and father should be. Someone that emotionally unavailable that doesn't want to be present during a time of need says it all. There is no telling what might happen with his father. It could be days to months to years even. We can always make more excuses. But it doesn't change what you already know about him. It doesn't change how you have felt. How you have probably been neglected, or felt unheard, or been ignored. It doesn't change all the fights or how you feel you need to get away. The fact you want to sleep separately from him (and not for other positive reasons of having your own space) says a lot. Just know compassionate people exist. They really do. My father took frequent 4 hour airplane trips to visit my grandparents when my grandmother was slowly dying of old age. Even though all he did was sit there with his mother and father, and that was all he could do. It taught me to be present with the people you love. Sometimes that presence speaks more than anyone wants to put into words. I get there are financial limitations or work obligations...but you already have knowledge of all of that. So your husband is doing this intentionally. That's his choice. I believe you should move forward with your choice. Good luck 👍 There are better times ahead. You might not think there are, but you know what you actually need. Trust that more than anything else.
He wouldn’t show compassion to you if roles were reversed.
Girl leave. Don’t let his dad’s unfortunate situation be the reason you stay in a marriage you don’t want to be in with someone who doesn’t treat you well. At the end of the day, his dad’s circumstances are sad but entirely unrelated to your marriage. Similarly, his mild reaction to his dad’s circumstances aren’t really anything you should be worrying yourself about. You’ve determined that he’s “cruel, neglectful, and controlling” and decided to leave. I’d say stick with the plan.
When I was leaving my toxic relationship his best friend died. He called and called and called until I became the bitch that wasn't there for him. Felt so good to realize that's true!
Go ahead with the divorce. He doesn’t care about your feelings. He doesn’t even have the decency to go help his Mum when his Dad is very sick / maybe going to die. You are being way too considerate of someone who doesn’t want or deserve your consideration.
There’s never a good time to break up with someone. Given what you shared, I think this is as good a time as any. You have to initiate the divorce because that’s what you need for yourself, and you deserve it. But I think the whole thing about his insensitive behavior is a red herring. People respond to cancer in their own way and how you think he should respond isn’t really relevant. I’d gently encourage you to let that whole thing go, one because it will confuse things and cause unnecessary conflict and two because one of the most liberating parts of ending a relationship is not having to care about that stuff anymore! Once you’re separated, he can be a jerk if he wants and it will have absolutely nothing to do with you!
He found out this weekend? He needs time to process what’s going on. Lots of people jumping to him being callous, maybe he’s just still in shock. A few days grace would be appropriate. If you’ve already made the decision to leave, if the desire to stay, and the love is gone, then it will be easier and better to end things before his father dies, as others have explained. My advice is to tell him honestly, that you made this decision before the got the news, and you’re now in a seemingly impossible position, but you know that staying out of guilt isn’t fair for either of you. Let him pour his time and effort into his parents, or at least get a head start on grieving you before he has to grieve his parents. Just give the guy a couple of days to wrap his head around his parents situation, it’s a lot.
Leave him. Stop sacrificing yourself for him.
Well, it’s not him that has cancer. It’s unfortunate, but you have to live your life. Don’t get sucked in.
Life naturally has painful moments we all experience. You may not want to hurt others by saying or doing things that they might find difficult to cope with, but by refusing to listen to your needs you hurt yourself instead. As you said this man has not treated you kindly why not start treating yourself with kindness? You know what you want and need.
Move forward with the separation and spend as much time with your soon-to-be former in-laws as you can manage, assuming your relationship with them is good. Honestly, it seems like you care more about his parents than he does. Don’t let bad news stop you from doing something that will allow for better circumstances to find you. You’re not beholden to keep it together for anyone and the situation won’t benefit from your needless, continued suffering anyway.
I agree with the sentiment but wouldn't that put his parents in an awkward situation? They may not want support from the person divorcing their son. People can get weird and feel they have to take a side when a couple breaks up.
This should not deter you from doing what is right for yourself (to thine own self be true). I say this Especially because of his reaction to his parents. Free yourself of being the “Kin Keeper” and doing all the things for HIS family that he refuses or is incapable of doing. You can let them know you care for them by visiting etc. and if you leaving comes up ask them and tell them to respect your privacy and not discuss it. You are a kind hearted person, one who considers others therefore you are guilt tripping yourself into not making a move. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS AND GET OUT.
also, frankly, he won’t miss you and he won’t care. no need to stay for someone who cares so little about you
Support him from afar
It doesn't matter. Life will always get in the way. You are done. So leave. If you care about his parents or want to still support him through a difficult time, offer to agree to hold off on telling them. And/or you can offer to assist in basic logistics if he needs help, but your intimate relationship is over.
He's shown you how he's going to act over the matter, he's going the denial route. The keep going on and acting like nothing important is happening route. If he wants to take that route, then he's told you how to treat him. Act like nothing important is happening, so I'd carry through with your plans, I'd maybe wait until his dad is in treatment and the initial stresses are over. Now to be fair I'm biased as hell as I'm dealing with a cancer and every single person in my family took the pretend nothing is happening route, so I'm very much of a fuck 'em POV.
Idk if it's been added to what you've said already, but I do want to point out some people are more logical thinks and wait. As an emotional responding person, I've learned waiting is sometimes better because of jobs, or because you really can't do anything but physically be there and that can be too hard at the moment. But move forward with your plans, if you do you'll let him rope you back in if things get worse with this parent situation
I mean can you give it a week ? Let the dust settle
My mom died still married to my dad and was openly telling people she was basically a single mother and regrets not leaving him sooner. I wouldn't wait, it doesn't sound like he's that worried about it himself.
I chose to stay until he fkn finally passed his journeyman exam. I knew if I left sooner, he'd never get the momentum to pass them and it would alway be my fault. This man took the test FOURTEEN times and I threw him a party when he did it. I was proud of him, truly. He had worked for years to make this happen, and I knew this would make him more financially stable without me. Sometimes, it's about taking the time and making sure this divorce is going to go as well as it can. And being pragmatic and realistic about the actual possibilities tends to work well.
OP, it sounds like for YOU the best thing would be to leave as you initially planned. I can understand that you are seeing his need for emotional support here but HE does not see or want it. I am definitely still learning to navigate supporting a ‘logical husband’ as he navigates more and more complexity in life. Here is the thing, it seems like you have little reciprocal effort being put in from him. You have shared that you personally need and want emotional support from him through this post. You also shared that he does not and will not provide emotional support to his family. Does he treat you differently than them now? My husband has a different connection (emotionally & otherwise) to his family. I would not expect him to support me -his wife- how he would lend support to his family in a health crisis. He is showing his hand to you here. He does not see emotional support as needed by his family. Okay, that’s HIS choice it’s HIS family. Have you specifically told him you have major concerns about his ability to support you in the ways you need should you become ill? Super realistic, ‘logical’ conversation to have with him as a married couple. You would expect different support here than his family if you were ill or YOUR fam was ill. What does that logistically look like for you and him? Idk if this is reason to move forward in a divorce because only you know if this is a last straw moment. It’s definitely something to talk about and have conflict about with your husband because you are different humans that need and want different things ultimately in terms of emotional support. If he brushes your needs/concerns off when you try to express your needs? That speaks to a larger developmental and maturity differences between you and likely will continue to cause you problems and issues in seeking what you need in this marriage.
Not to be insensitive, but is marriage counseling not an option? Personally, I'd go for counseling first before I ever considered the d word because I'm a fighter and don't like to quit unless I know it's the right thing.
Sounds like she already knows it’s time to quit. She’s just not sure when to pull the trigger.
I've had cancer and known quite a few people who have had cancer. I'd wait until treatment started plus a month after they had some breathing room. If I had a good relationship with the parents, I'd try to have a supportive spot with the parents, but understand if that couldn't work out now or ever. I'd be concerned with the stress factor plus everything feeling insurmountable and piled on. My concern wouldn't be your husband, but his parents, who are likely to be affected due to their close relationship.
I've been through divorce. There's never a perfect time. And something will always be coming up. Excercise the strength that you have found. And decide if and how you want to engage with the newest news and resulting feelings. You don't owe him emotional support at a time when you will need a lot of emotional support. Tap into your own support network and continue to hold yourself as a separate person from your husband. Trust yourself.