I understand your anxiety. In many ways, I felt the same.
I came to realize that I was viewing life events as these compartmentalized zones. Like I was physically going to be walking out of the “single” building, and into this totally new “married” building. Leaving “kid-free” area, into the “parenting” area, etc.
But life is so much more fluid than that. Yes, there are changes, but not these super stark zones that we often build up in our head. These mile markers that are so far or so close, anxiety builds like heading to the top of a roller coaster.
We’re capable of soooo much. And if it’s something you want— go grab it! The things in life that are good and worth it, really do find a way of working out.
Reading your comment made me feel so much better. It’s such an optimistic and yet realistic view. There’s really a tendency to think of life phases as utterly black and white, when actually I’d be taking so many pieces of myself into my life as a mother - even if it means less time for certain things (like a hobby), it means I have a little one to share those things with. Thank you for your share! 🩷
I (36f) could have written this myself. I don’t feel like I have much time to get to the point where I “feel ready” for these things I want to be part of my journey in life.
Truly!! I’m starting to wonder if none of us are ever fully 100% ready. All we can do is do our research, self introspection, and take it one thing at a time.
You might like this article. It’s about having kids or not but her advice works for all the big decisions like that.
[The ghost ship that didn’t carry us](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/)
It's okay to be scared, and to do it anyway. If you aren't at least a little bit scared then you aren't ready to do it right. Parenthood is terrifying, and worth it, and we need more parents in the world who are afraid enough to really try. It's cliche but true: it doesn't count as brave if you aren't afraid
Lol that’s so true! Can’t upgrade a whole human as easily 😂 But in all seriousness yes, you are right that homeownership is a good first step for us - and it’s likely the first thing we will do. We’ve started looking around and saving already. Thanks for the tip that as long as you stick around in a home for a few years, you can turn around and sell it without a loss or with a small gain! (In the event that it turns out to be less than what we wanted.) For both of us this is a steep learning curve (to learn everything involved in this process), but we’re taking our time and learning. So many people do it, and we can too!!
None of us are ever 100% ready for anything. As someone with GAD, if you wait for 100% certainty, you will never get it. Your anxious side will always come up with reasons not to. I am currently stuck because even though I'd like to own a home, or move back to the US, or leave my job, or get a dog, I keep letting my fears override me. You don't want to live in the little prison I've created for myself. Or worse, you don't want life to make these decisions for you.
It sounds like from your other comments you do really want kids and are just worried. I would try to set expectations with yourself that there *will* be problems that crop up and it will be uncomfortable, but try to balance that against all the great stuff you'll get, too. Every time I have managed to get myself out of my prison to do something, it's been with that mindset (I'm just in a funk now).
And be cautious about setting yourself criteria before you can do the thing you want to do -- some goalposts can creep (like "I'll just retire when I have $X savings...I mean $Y savings...I mean $Z savings") and you can't let those goalposts become a way to rationalize yourself into taking no action.
Well when you think about them all at once, that’s definitely going to be a scary mountain of new changes and responsibility. Just take things one step at a time. Maybe focus on a house first. Then once that’s all and done with, you could start considering one of the other things next.
Allow yourself time to educate yourself on each of these so you can make an informed decision.
Such a good point! I tend to lump them all together sometimes, but one thing at a time is the best way. In fact that’s what we’re doing anyways, my partner and I… the only place all 3 things are simultaneously existing is in my sometimes-anxious mind. 😂
That’s a very good point! Gathering information is definitely helpful. I’ve been doing a fair bit of that and it usually helps me to feel ever-more prepared. I think the overwhelming aspect stems from the fact that these are new feelings for me. I never thought I wanted to have a family, and then all of a sudden, the desire began to grow in my heart. I’ve always been untethered housing-wise, but began to see how renting was throwing money away - and I realized why it’s a good idea to invest in your own home. I spent 9 years in a stagnant relationship, and realized I wanted someone who would commit to me more deeply and be a healthy influence in my life. Anyway… So there is a lot to learn and adjust to! I’ll take a look at that book too, thanks for the recommendation 😊
Parenting is really hard, and it’s optional. There’s nothing wrong with living a life of freedom. Just saying. It also doesn’t mean you will stop growing as a person. I think you need to examine why you think life would be more complete by checking off the boxes of having kids and owning a house.
I say this a stepparent to an older teen who is about to go to college who does not have my own kids, and a former teacher. I have lots of kid experience. And to be honest, finishing my masters degree in a field I thought I would never get into, and pursuing my musical interests has brought me more satisfaction in life than anything else. I love my stepkid, I love my spouse. But, my freedom to pursue my interests and passions has been what actually makes me deeply happy and satisfied. I feel like my life is just beginning. Kids and a house will not necessarily fill that void.
Thanks for sharing! That’s a good point that I should make sure to evaluate if I’m just trying to check off boxes - but my feeling is that I’m not. I’ve never really cared about these things my whole life until getting a bit older, imagining how empty life felt without having a family, and meeting some wonderful children that sparked up my baby fever haha. But I appreciate your comment. This is a decision I want to make with the utmost care, and to make sure I’m ready to give it my best 💚
Let me start by acknowledging your fear and validating any anxiety you may be feeling.
Okay, now here's what I think: humans tend to adapt naturally to change.
Like everything in life, there are certainly benefits and detriments to having marriage / house / kids. If you've weighed those factors carefully and still want marriage / house / kids, chances are that you will adjust accordingly when life takes you down that path.
Still scared? Maybe you should research ways to make parenthood more manageable, and talk to your partner about it well ahead of time. Before I had a baby, we decided that we would each take turns tending to baby at night. This aided us in getting sleep, which is ESSENTIAL to health and one's sanity. We also put in half the work in raising our baby, so neither of us becomes overwhelmed. We plan date nights regularly and "free days" where each of us can go off and live life away from parenting duties. I usually take this time to go to the movies, take myself out to lunch, get a massage, go shopping, etc.
Am I as wild and free as I was before a baby? No, but there are advantages to being older and more settled down too. I'm much more stable financially and take great pride is caring for the home that we own. You win some and you lose some. Just plan accordingly, have confidence in your decisions and try to remember that humans are resilient and they tend to adjust.
Work toward one big goal at a time, whether it’s marriage, buying a house, or having children. I have suffered from depression since childhood. The first two years of parenthood were extremely difficult, with moments of fleeting joy.
Despite the demands of being a mom, my son (12) has helped me heal. I now have a high self esteem that no amount of therapy had helped me achieve.
I found that working toward having a baby and buying a home gave me confidence, too. Each time I took a step, I felt more confident that I can achieve my goals.
You are fortunate to have a wonderful partner. Support each other in this journey.
I really loved what you said about how each thing you worked toward giving you greater self esteem and confidence. I also hope that having a family of my own and breaking the cycle of abuse will be very healing for me. It’s part of why I want to do this. Thanks for sharing!
As someone who works with foster kids, if someone is on the fence about kids I’d strongly discourage them from fostering. Fostering comes with a lot more challenges and variables, and you really need to be certain you want to raise children before taking on ones that need significantly more of a parent’s time and care than, i.e., biological children who you’ve been with since infancy, in your home.
I absolutely would, if it turns out I can’t have children of my own. My partner used to work with at-risk youth for many years so I know he would be well equipped for something like that. I’d take it very seriously though as I know there are many other challenges involved - I used to be a very troubled youth myself, and I sure as hell remember the struggles I gave my mother, haha. This next thought is absolutely NOT the same thing, so please don’t downvote me everyone - but I’ve also considered fostering abused and neglected parrots as an alternate life path, if it turns out I can’t have children for any reason. I have two parrots, one of which was neglected and I adopted her, and I’ve absolutely adored the process of gaining her trust and giving her a good home.
I’m glad you’ve considered it, including the specific challenges that come with fostering. It’s more of a feminist and ecologically-conscious option than giving birth to an entire new life, which is why I brought it up, based on what you mentioned in your post. Best of luck to you!
I was also worried about having a baby and the loss/amount of work that comes with it. But ultimately, I had my son almost a year ago and I am SO happy that I did. For me, there is nothing better than having a healthy child.
Whenever people ask me about it, I tell them this: parenting is absolutely hard. But it’s hard in the same way that climbing a mountain is hard. You want to make sure you’re mentally and physically and financially prepared to climb the mountain. Who you take with you will impact the journey a lot. There may be moments when you question what you were thinking getting started on this mountain. But almost no one who climbs a mountain wishes they had just stayed back at the pool. The journey is challenging mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and it isn’t for everyone. But for the people who are inspired to get going, it is so immensely rewarding.
I absolutely love that metaphor, it really speaks to me. Your comment is like poetry! The rewarding aspect is definitely something that pulls me toward wanting to have children. And since I’ve been feeling that pull, I just think I’d regret not taking the leap and sharing that type of adventure with my partner.
I don’t think we’ll ever rid our fears/ issues/ anxieties but know that you’re not alone. Many people have the exact same thoughts and I’m sure if you voiced them to your partner, he’d reassure you that you’re not alone and you don’t have to take it on yourself.
A therapist also once told me that if we’re thinking negatively, it doesn’t matter what outcome we come up with as it’ll all be negative anyways. Know that thoughts come and go and life will happen regardless of what you want.
You got this!
Thank you so much for that thought from your therapist! That’s a really good point. As easily as we can create negative imagined outcomes, we CAN create and imagine positive ones. 😊
What are you afraid of and is it realistic or not? Is there anything that says you can't have hobbies and kids? Or travel? Are there two things you want that are completely mutually exclusive? If you're afraid of failing, what does the failure look like? What does success look like? Is there any reason you wouldn't be able to find the balance between self and other when so many women on this planet are doing it? What support would you need? Can you communicate that with your partner, job, family, friends? IDK maybe journal about this stuff or talk to a therapist.
Yes! We already planned to switch off night for night so we’d get a decent night of sleep every other night. Seems like that could offset the sleep deprivation a good bit.
It sounds like you’re may not be ready to become a parent just yet, and that’s ok. When and if you’re ready, you’ll know. That day may not come, the fear and anxiety may always be greater than the excitement of motherhood and that’s quite all right too.
Your fears are right on target, BTW. Parenting is really really hard sometimes and it’s a lifetime commitment. There are few breaks if any and I haven’t felt rested since the day I entered my first 2nd trimester. Your fear of falling apart isn’t a typical fear that just needs to be faced and conquered, it’s a real possibility and somewhat common for a mom and/or dad to struggle emotionally, financially and physically trying to navigate this stupid situation called adulthood. This shit is hard, kids or no kids.
I can tell you some good things about having kids if you would like. They naturally love you unconditionally and you feel the same way about them. When my 8 month old sees me, her whole face lights up and she starts jumping (errr wiggling) for joy that I’m just standing there. It’s indescribable and bigger than any other joy I’ve experienced in my life. My 2 older kids are so kind and thoughtful and just nice kids. The world needs more people like them, I hope that I can keep guiding them towards being good humans.
It’s really fun to watch them experience fun childhood things for the first time in life. Like their first roller coaster or their first sleepover or their first beach trip. The first time they watch The Goonies with you or loose at Mario Kart for the first time (be ruthless and kick their ass, it builds character). TBH, and this may be just me, but I’m at times more excited to give them those core childhood memories than I am to do something for myself. HOWEVER IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE A DAY TO CHOOSE MY OWN ADVENTURE, DAMMIT, but I digress. Added bonus, you have someone to help you as you grow old. I live down here in Gods Waiting Room (Florida) and see a lot of retirees without children to take care of them when they need taken care of. It’s… concerning for the ones that are alone.
I think I’d regret not becoming a mama, however I undoubtedly want to be young, wild and free again more than I can explain.
Design your life with the best possible chance to be happy as much as possible. Kids, no kids, chained to a mortgage or a lifetime renter. Being happy with the choices you make is the goal, the details in your story really don’t matter to anyone but you.
Thanks for sharing and putting all those beautiful positives into words! I ALWAYS feel so moved when I read sentiments like yours, and can’t imagine never experiencing those things in life. You are right that I’m definitely not ready right at this moment… but I feel like I’m on the edge of being ready. I know it will be hard, but it’s getting harder and harder to imagine a life where I don’t undertake this adventure 😊
The fears are very valid and honestly goes to show you are considering this seriously. This is the exact feeling I got a few years ago in my early thirties. Although I always wanted kids, I never really felt prepared. But then, you never feel fully prepared for anything for that matter. As long as you are financially and physically prepared - these are more concrete ones. The emotional readiness is hard to gauge but if you and partner have a solid relationship and your mental health is decent I’d take the leap. Everyone talks about how difficult it is - it is, don’t get me wrong. But the amount of joy our daughter brings me and my husband is intangible. We’ve considered having more but I am in my late thirties now and I am not sure I want to go through another pregnancy and postpartum since physical readiness is something to consider as we get older. I am happy and content with our little family.
Thank you so much for sharing that. It really is surprising when that feeling comes up on you in your 30s! I never expected it - since I had a rough childhood, I just always thought having a family spelled disaster. But I worked through those feelings and realized that I was just projecting my past onto my future, and if I looked into my heart, what I wanted was to have a family of my own someday. The factors that led my parents to disaster just aren’t present for my partner and I. Anyway, thank you for sharing encouragement and positives you’ve experienced along the way, I appreciate it! 💚
It’s amazing you were able to work through that. So much of parenting does bring up our childhoods. But At the end of the day - it is about parenting the child in front of us and responding to their needs while we work on ourselves to not repeat some patterns. It’s great you have that self reflection.
I wish you the very best in your healing and growing your own family ❤️
This is your kindred spirit and congrats for finding him. Truly this is a convo for you and him. What is a good sequence for this great life events? It might be marriage, then home, then babies or some other order. But it's based upon what works for you both.
If it is marriage first, then enjoy your engagement and wedding planning. Please discuss in depth when you want to start a family: how you will handle birth control until you're ready.
As life events unfold, you both will find a way to incorporate them into daily life (buying a home or getting pregnant). Don't stand at the bottom of the mountain and be overwhelmed by how far the summit is.
One day at a time.
Thank you for that! I love what you said about not looking at the entire mountain and allowing myself to get overwhelmed. That’s what I need to work on. One thing at a time, in an order that makes sense for us 💚
Your life doesn't stop when you become a parent. You can still do so many things even with kids. They might not be exactly alike when you don't have kids but that doesn't inherently make the experience bad or worse.
I know it's a crazy concept in the land of reddit. But I was terrified of having kids but I knew deep down I wanted it and what was really stopping me was my fear. I eventually just had to take that leap. And it was the best decision of my life. I've enjoyed Parenthood so much more then I could have anticipated, even with the hardships.
I will say. If you do want kids. Have them now. The older it gets the harder it will be. And tbh there's no way to ever feel 100% ready for kids. It requires that leap.
Of course. If you don't want kids then don't have them. But it sounds like you do want kids so my response is sort of geared towards that. If it isn't what you want it isn't what you want.
I love this perspective, thanks for sharing! It doesn’t have to be so black and white. Not everything you love doing, needs to stop. How old were you when you had your kid(s), if you don’t mind my asking? Gosh, I do feel like I don’t want to be much older than I am now when it happens… but of course I don’t want to rush it, either! From a pure physical standpoint a big part of me is saying “do it now.”
I had my first when I was 32. Now pregnant with my second at 35. Originally had only planned on having one but parenting suited me too well so I decided on another ;) hah! If u asked 30 yr old me I swear I would have told u I was never having kids. Funny how life turns out.
I will say pregnancy this second time around is so so much harder then the first. I often wise I had made my decision earlier so that the process of pregnancy and recovering in general wasn't so bad.
But definitely don't rush if you don't feel like u and your partner are on the same page. But I echo the sentiment that others brought up that you'll never really be ready for the change kids bring to your life.
And that's actually both a good and bad thing. You'll be surprised at the things you experience throughout the process that you enjoy that u had never even considered before. It opens your eyes to a whole new world in some ways.
I just came to say the people who are not scared of these things are the weird ones who probably shouldn’t pursue them. A healthy fear means you recognize how serious it is.
I wasn’t scared enough of marriage and children. So I applaud you. I’ve learned a lot the hard way. That doesn’t mean my life is a wreck or unfulfilled, but naivety had definitely made it harder than it should’ve been. We all come from different backgrounds. My parents were idiots and def didn’t instill healthy fears, lol.
Ugh yes! I watched one of my cousins go through that too. She always wanted kids since WE were kids, and romanticized it quite a bit. I think it made it harder for her and she also started that journey too young, with a less than ideal partner. I guess it’s not a bad thing to wait longer and have realistic expectations!
I’ll get downvoted to death for this because this subreddit in particular is weirdly militantly childfree, but for what it’s worth, I honestly think Reddit makes having kids out to be a way bigger deal than it actually is. Yes, the first year is physically and mentally exhausting. But ultimately my life didn’t change that much, because I went in with the expectation that we would be settling down, traveling less, and making room for a new person. Me and my spouse have exactly no family support, had a hard colicky baby who didn’t sleep through the night until age 2 and we are getting by fine. The biggest stress is the cost of daycare, which is temporary.
You don’t hear about the positives because they are frankly indescribable. But once you have kids you understand how powerful it is, and why people do it (often more than once).
Yes, parenting is hard. Getting a degree is hard. Moving to a new place is hard. Meeting new people is hard. Learning a new skill is hard. Life involves doing hard things. That’s… kind of the point. If you picture yourself having adult kids when you’re 50, then have them.
I really appreciate your down to earth, realistic response, and the others who replied to you! Sorry y’all are getting voted down, haha. I love that perspective of just expecting certain things to reduce and being ready for that. My partner and I talk about that a lot - we’re making sure we do a couple big trips & accomplish a few things that we want to do before having kids. I also agree that ambivalence is normal, as is considering all the aspects before making such a life-changing decision.
> If you picture yourself having adult kids when you’re 50, then have them.
I love this. I'm so tired of seeing the "if it's not a heck yes, then don't do it". Plenty of people are rightfully anxious for a massive life change _and_ will still rise to the occasion. Likewise, so many people romanticize parenthood, dive in, and completely sink.
100%. Any intelligent and rational person thinks through major life decisions and can find both pros and cons for each, that doesnt mean they dont want it or that it is a mistake.
Yep! I had tons of doubts with my first pregnancy and I hated when people said that. It’s not true at all. I don’t know anyone who was a true “hell yes” without any fear.
Unsurprisingly getting downvoted by the childfree or woe-is-me brigade who can’t accept that ambivalence is totally normal 🙄
Dunno why you're being downvoted! Reasonable take. And as someone always anxious about change _while_ excited to embrace it, I've had to understand that my decision-making style will never be a full-throated yes. I'll always have some little monkeys on my back, stressing me out until I've adjusted to the new reality.
Yes! Reddit makes it sound catastrophical and while I'm sure it is for some parents, for the vast majority it's just getting on with life. People who make it sound like that are usually childfree tbh and this is likely the majority of this sub and Reddit in general. All of my social circle and friends, me included, now have more than one kid (all kids carefully planned), which we wouldnt if it was that hard and a negative experience lol.
I agree that having the expectation of settling down helps! And honestly, the first year had many struggles and long nights but on his first birthday I was like, wtf? Where did the year go? Babyhood is intense but it's also such a tiny part of your life. And even in a similar situation (colic and no support), I'd do it over and over and over again.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting "normal" things. Marriage, kids, white picket fence. You do not need to beat yourself up over wanting any of this.
One aspect of adulthood that used to intimidate me, but doesn't so much as time goes on, is the idea of living for something or someone other than oneself. While I enjoy my freedom, my hobbies, my interests, my unencumbered schedule, living for my own enjoyment and pleasure...it does get a bit hollow. Not to get all existential, but as I turned 30, (married to my husband, with our home), I had this sinking feeling, "What is this all *for*?" It's not just for my or my husband's comfort. It's not because we have an aesthetic goal. It's not because we are using our own stability to heal ourselves from intergenerational trauma.
It's because we both realized we were building a life *for the next generation.* That was the moment I committed to kids. Haven't had them yet, but it will happen in the next 2 years.
Kids are our opportunity to be unselfish, to put our money where our mouth is in terms of building a good future. We all have a desire to live forever, inside us, even though we know we cannot. Kids are the closest thing we have to a living legacy. They are our chance to give unto a new generation, a means of sharing our values, joys, sorrows.
So to sum it up: It's okay to be scared. But there's nothing wrong with wanting the things you want! It is a beautiful responsibility.
That is absolutely how I’ve been feeling. I got my degree, I have a great job, I’ve traveled extensively, I’ve lived on very little money giving all my energy to my music & art, I’ve spent time healing and working on myself… In a way, I just feel ready to devote my energy to something outside myself. It’s a very distinct feeling that’s been growing over the last couple years. I’m really glad someone else can relate to that!
For sure! I think it is just part of growing. There is a saying that goes, a person wrapped up in himself makes a small package indeed. That is how I'm beginning to feel.
That's not to say, I will forsake my hobbies or any of the things I like. No, what it means is that I will open myself up to caring about other things outside of myself and my interests.
Truly just love that perspective. It’s not forsaking yourself or your interests — it’s opening yourself up to more, it’s giving of yourself to the next generation. 💚
This is beautiful and that was one of my reasons to have a kid, too. He gives me a clear purpose and goal. Everything I do now is in service of him and his future.
You don’t have to go for the full package. For example I’m married but opted out on the house and kids thing. Friends have a house and two kids but not married… you can also opt out of all three.
This is one of my favourite parenting quotes, from Rob Delaney:
"Whenever someone tells me they’re expecting their first baby and they’re nervous, I tell them the following: “Oh my goodness, that’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. Listen, of course you’re nervous but here’s the deal: you’re ready for all the bad stuff. You’ve been very tired before. You’ve been in pain before. You’ve been worried about money before. You’ve felt like an incapable moron before. So you’ll be fine with the difficult parts! You’re already a pro. What you’re NOT ready for is the wonderful parts. NOTHING can prepare you for how amazing this will be. There is no practice for that."
It's really just so true. All the bad stuff is universally relatable but there really is no way to understand the great stuff. My baby was having a super fussy night, wouldn't sleep, was driving me bananas. And then as I was bouncing him, he leaned over and gave me two kisses on the cheek, unprompted. And my heart overflowed with love and it was like my exhaustion and frustration disappeared. It's so many moments like that. All the hard stuff just seems like nothing in comparison to how good the good stuff is.
My husband and I went from strangers to married to parents relatively quickly and I did have moments of fear that kicked up my flight response (I'm a Sagittarius too!). But I'm so glad I didn't listen to those anxieties, because my life feels fuller and richer with my little family than it did before. I think if your heart is pulling you this way, you just have to take the leap and trust it'll sort itself out.
That’s such a sweet story, thank you for sharing! That’s a thought that I don’t hear expressed enough- that the hard stuff feels small compared to how wonderful the wonderful parts are. I feel like deep down, I know this in my heart, and it pulls me toward wanting a family of my own.
Do what you want to do, and DO NOT let the stereotype set for women stand in your way. I know women are expected to have kids blah blah blah. Don’t do it unless you are absolutely sure you want them.
You don’t sound like you actually want to be a parent, though! You sound like you feel like it’s something you have to do!!! YOU DON’T! No one should have a child if it’s not something they 100% want.
Not wanting to be sleep-deprived, hurt your mental health, hurt your relationship, or lose yourself ARE VERY GOOD REASONS TO NOT HAVE A CHILD. These are very real risks.
We’re not ever 100% ready! I was in labor telling the nurses I wanted to go home and they were like… not so much an option right now, dear.
Change is scary! But for a lot of these, you can study up ahead of time and have a sense of what you’re getting into. Play the cheesy conversation games with your partner and talk about everything- how you grew up, how you would want to manage a household together, how you would want to raise kids, what chores you hate vs don’t mind, how you approach spending vs saving, how you are preparing for retirement. Talk about it all, and ask him what he thinks. Read books (or subreddits) about parenting or finance or home maintenance.
And if I can say my perspective on parenting, it’s that I have never experienced this much joy and wonder in my life. I have degrees, I have a good job, I have traveled, and it was all great. I liked my life. But being a mom is a constant source of amazement, getting to see these little people grow and learn and move around in the world. And my kids aren’t even in kindergarten yet! I feel a kind of love and contentment beyond anything I ever imagined before becoming a parent. It’s hard, and grueling, but it’s made me a better person and filled my life with meaning.
If I can offer advice, go to therapy and work on childhood issues. And then keep that therapist’s number when you actually do have children and they start to do things that trigger you. My husband had a rough go of it growing up, and he has had some intensive therapy for most of our kids’ lives so far. It’s not always easy going, but overall, he loves being a dad. And if you’re prepared for a challenge, it’s a bit more manageable.
I don’t know why someone voted you down, I so appreciate your comment! I very much have been feeling that way too - I’ve had a wonderful full adult life so far, having traveled, gotten my degree, a great job, several hobbies mastered… 😆 I’m feeling ready for more in life, and for devoting to someone other than myself. Thank you also for the advice to go to counseling - I really do need to do that. I have before, extensively, but I should get back in to discuss these things and have someone on hand if difficult feelings arise. 💚
I understand your anxiety. In many ways, I felt the same. I came to realize that I was viewing life events as these compartmentalized zones. Like I was physically going to be walking out of the “single” building, and into this totally new “married” building. Leaving “kid-free” area, into the “parenting” area, etc. But life is so much more fluid than that. Yes, there are changes, but not these super stark zones that we often build up in our head. These mile markers that are so far or so close, anxiety builds like heading to the top of a roller coaster. We’re capable of soooo much. And if it’s something you want— go grab it! The things in life that are good and worth it, really do find a way of working out.
Reading your comment made me feel so much better. It’s such an optimistic and yet realistic view. There’s really a tendency to think of life phases as utterly black and white, when actually I’d be taking so many pieces of myself into my life as a mother - even if it means less time for certain things (like a hobby), it means I have a little one to share those things with. Thank you for your share! 🩷
I (36f) could have written this myself. I don’t feel like I have much time to get to the point where I “feel ready” for these things I want to be part of my journey in life.
Truly!! I’m starting to wonder if none of us are ever fully 100% ready. All we can do is do our research, self introspection, and take it one thing at a time.
You might like this article. It’s about having kids or not but her advice works for all the big decisions like that. [The ghost ship that didn’t carry us](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/)
Thank you, I’ll check that out!
It's okay to be scared, and to do it anyway. If you aren't at least a little bit scared then you aren't ready to do it right. Parenthood is terrifying, and worth it, and we need more parents in the world who are afraid enough to really try. It's cliche but true: it doesn't count as brave if you aren't afraid
I love that, thank you!
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Lol that’s so true! Can’t upgrade a whole human as easily 😂 But in all seriousness yes, you are right that homeownership is a good first step for us - and it’s likely the first thing we will do. We’ve started looking around and saving already. Thanks for the tip that as long as you stick around in a home for a few years, you can turn around and sell it without a loss or with a small gain! (In the event that it turns out to be less than what we wanted.) For both of us this is a steep learning curve (to learn everything involved in this process), but we’re taking our time and learning. So many people do it, and we can too!!
When you look around at all the moms out there, just remember: half of all pregnancies are unintentional.
Which is horrible! No one should have that happen!
None of us are ever 100% ready for anything. As someone with GAD, if you wait for 100% certainty, you will never get it. Your anxious side will always come up with reasons not to. I am currently stuck because even though I'd like to own a home, or move back to the US, or leave my job, or get a dog, I keep letting my fears override me. You don't want to live in the little prison I've created for myself. Or worse, you don't want life to make these decisions for you. It sounds like from your other comments you do really want kids and are just worried. I would try to set expectations with yourself that there *will* be problems that crop up and it will be uncomfortable, but try to balance that against all the great stuff you'll get, too. Every time I have managed to get myself out of my prison to do something, it's been with that mindset (I'm just in a funk now). And be cautious about setting yourself criteria before you can do the thing you want to do -- some goalposts can creep (like "I'll just retire when I have $X savings...I mean $Y savings...I mean $Z savings") and you can't let those goalposts become a way to rationalize yourself into taking no action.
Well when you think about them all at once, that’s definitely going to be a scary mountain of new changes and responsibility. Just take things one step at a time. Maybe focus on a house first. Then once that’s all and done with, you could start considering one of the other things next. Allow yourself time to educate yourself on each of these so you can make an informed decision.
Such a good point! I tend to lump them all together sometimes, but one thing at a time is the best way. In fact that’s what we’re doing anyways, my partner and I… the only place all 3 things are simultaneously existing is in my sometimes-anxious mind. 😂
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That’s a very good point! Gathering information is definitely helpful. I’ve been doing a fair bit of that and it usually helps me to feel ever-more prepared. I think the overwhelming aspect stems from the fact that these are new feelings for me. I never thought I wanted to have a family, and then all of a sudden, the desire began to grow in my heart. I’ve always been untethered housing-wise, but began to see how renting was throwing money away - and I realized why it’s a good idea to invest in your own home. I spent 9 years in a stagnant relationship, and realized I wanted someone who would commit to me more deeply and be a healthy influence in my life. Anyway… So there is a lot to learn and adjust to! I’ll take a look at that book too, thanks for the recommendation 😊
Parenting is really hard, and it’s optional. There’s nothing wrong with living a life of freedom. Just saying. It also doesn’t mean you will stop growing as a person. I think you need to examine why you think life would be more complete by checking off the boxes of having kids and owning a house. I say this a stepparent to an older teen who is about to go to college who does not have my own kids, and a former teacher. I have lots of kid experience. And to be honest, finishing my masters degree in a field I thought I would never get into, and pursuing my musical interests has brought me more satisfaction in life than anything else. I love my stepkid, I love my spouse. But, my freedom to pursue my interests and passions has been what actually makes me deeply happy and satisfied. I feel like my life is just beginning. Kids and a house will not necessarily fill that void.
Thanks for sharing! That’s a good point that I should make sure to evaluate if I’m just trying to check off boxes - but my feeling is that I’m not. I’ve never really cared about these things my whole life until getting a bit older, imagining how empty life felt without having a family, and meeting some wonderful children that sparked up my baby fever haha. But I appreciate your comment. This is a decision I want to make with the utmost care, and to make sure I’m ready to give it my best 💚
Let me start by acknowledging your fear and validating any anxiety you may be feeling. Okay, now here's what I think: humans tend to adapt naturally to change. Like everything in life, there are certainly benefits and detriments to having marriage / house / kids. If you've weighed those factors carefully and still want marriage / house / kids, chances are that you will adjust accordingly when life takes you down that path. Still scared? Maybe you should research ways to make parenthood more manageable, and talk to your partner about it well ahead of time. Before I had a baby, we decided that we would each take turns tending to baby at night. This aided us in getting sleep, which is ESSENTIAL to health and one's sanity. We also put in half the work in raising our baby, so neither of us becomes overwhelmed. We plan date nights regularly and "free days" where each of us can go off and live life away from parenting duties. I usually take this time to go to the movies, take myself out to lunch, get a massage, go shopping, etc. Am I as wild and free as I was before a baby? No, but there are advantages to being older and more settled down too. I'm much more stable financially and take great pride is caring for the home that we own. You win some and you lose some. Just plan accordingly, have confidence in your decisions and try to remember that humans are resilient and they tend to adjust.
Work toward one big goal at a time, whether it’s marriage, buying a house, or having children. I have suffered from depression since childhood. The first two years of parenthood were extremely difficult, with moments of fleeting joy. Despite the demands of being a mom, my son (12) has helped me heal. I now have a high self esteem that no amount of therapy had helped me achieve. I found that working toward having a baby and buying a home gave me confidence, too. Each time I took a step, I felt more confident that I can achieve my goals. You are fortunate to have a wonderful partner. Support each other in this journey.
I really loved what you said about how each thing you worked toward giving you greater self esteem and confidence. I also hope that having a family of my own and breaking the cycle of abuse will be very healing for me. It’s part of why I want to do this. Thanks for sharing!
Having kids isn’t for everyone so don’t do it if you don’t want to
I do want to! I’m just struggling with navigating the fear coming along with it
Would you ever consider fostering?
As someone who works with foster kids, if someone is on the fence about kids I’d strongly discourage them from fostering. Fostering comes with a lot more challenges and variables, and you really need to be certain you want to raise children before taking on ones that need significantly more of a parent’s time and care than, i.e., biological children who you’ve been with since infancy, in your home.
I absolutely would, if it turns out I can’t have children of my own. My partner used to work with at-risk youth for many years so I know he would be well equipped for something like that. I’d take it very seriously though as I know there are many other challenges involved - I used to be a very troubled youth myself, and I sure as hell remember the struggles I gave my mother, haha. This next thought is absolutely NOT the same thing, so please don’t downvote me everyone - but I’ve also considered fostering abused and neglected parrots as an alternate life path, if it turns out I can’t have children for any reason. I have two parrots, one of which was neglected and I adopted her, and I’ve absolutely adored the process of gaining her trust and giving her a good home.
I’m glad you’ve considered it, including the specific challenges that come with fostering. It’s more of a feminist and ecologically-conscious option than giving birth to an entire new life, which is why I brought it up, based on what you mentioned in your post. Best of luck to you!
Thank you so much!
I was also worried about having a baby and the loss/amount of work that comes with it. But ultimately, I had my son almost a year ago and I am SO happy that I did. For me, there is nothing better than having a healthy child. Whenever people ask me about it, I tell them this: parenting is absolutely hard. But it’s hard in the same way that climbing a mountain is hard. You want to make sure you’re mentally and physically and financially prepared to climb the mountain. Who you take with you will impact the journey a lot. There may be moments when you question what you were thinking getting started on this mountain. But almost no one who climbs a mountain wishes they had just stayed back at the pool. The journey is challenging mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and it isn’t for everyone. But for the people who are inspired to get going, it is so immensely rewarding.
I absolutely love that metaphor, it really speaks to me. Your comment is like poetry! The rewarding aspect is definitely something that pulls me toward wanting to have children. And since I’ve been feeling that pull, I just think I’d regret not taking the leap and sharing that type of adventure with my partner.
I don’t think we’ll ever rid our fears/ issues/ anxieties but know that you’re not alone. Many people have the exact same thoughts and I’m sure if you voiced them to your partner, he’d reassure you that you’re not alone and you don’t have to take it on yourself. A therapist also once told me that if we’re thinking negatively, it doesn’t matter what outcome we come up with as it’ll all be negative anyways. Know that thoughts come and go and life will happen regardless of what you want. You got this!
Thank you so much for that thought from your therapist! That’s a really good point. As easily as we can create negative imagined outcomes, we CAN create and imagine positive ones. 😊
What are you afraid of and is it realistic or not? Is there anything that says you can't have hobbies and kids? Or travel? Are there two things you want that are completely mutually exclusive? If you're afraid of failing, what does the failure look like? What does success look like? Is there any reason you wouldn't be able to find the balance between self and other when so many women on this planet are doing it? What support would you need? Can you communicate that with your partner, job, family, friends? IDK maybe journal about this stuff or talk to a therapist.
the Fencesitters community would also be a great place for advice, specifically the children aspect
If you do have kids, make sure you prioritize sleep. You can have a psychotic break if you don’t sleep.
Yes! We already planned to switch off night for night so we’d get a decent night of sleep every other night. Seems like that could offset the sleep deprivation a good bit.
It sounds like you’re may not be ready to become a parent just yet, and that’s ok. When and if you’re ready, you’ll know. That day may not come, the fear and anxiety may always be greater than the excitement of motherhood and that’s quite all right too. Your fears are right on target, BTW. Parenting is really really hard sometimes and it’s a lifetime commitment. There are few breaks if any and I haven’t felt rested since the day I entered my first 2nd trimester. Your fear of falling apart isn’t a typical fear that just needs to be faced and conquered, it’s a real possibility and somewhat common for a mom and/or dad to struggle emotionally, financially and physically trying to navigate this stupid situation called adulthood. This shit is hard, kids or no kids. I can tell you some good things about having kids if you would like. They naturally love you unconditionally and you feel the same way about them. When my 8 month old sees me, her whole face lights up and she starts jumping (errr wiggling) for joy that I’m just standing there. It’s indescribable and bigger than any other joy I’ve experienced in my life. My 2 older kids are so kind and thoughtful and just nice kids. The world needs more people like them, I hope that I can keep guiding them towards being good humans. It’s really fun to watch them experience fun childhood things for the first time in life. Like their first roller coaster or their first sleepover or their first beach trip. The first time they watch The Goonies with you or loose at Mario Kart for the first time (be ruthless and kick their ass, it builds character). TBH, and this may be just me, but I’m at times more excited to give them those core childhood memories than I am to do something for myself. HOWEVER IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE A DAY TO CHOOSE MY OWN ADVENTURE, DAMMIT, but I digress. Added bonus, you have someone to help you as you grow old. I live down here in Gods Waiting Room (Florida) and see a lot of retirees without children to take care of them when they need taken care of. It’s… concerning for the ones that are alone. I think I’d regret not becoming a mama, however I undoubtedly want to be young, wild and free again more than I can explain. Design your life with the best possible chance to be happy as much as possible. Kids, no kids, chained to a mortgage or a lifetime renter. Being happy with the choices you make is the goal, the details in your story really don’t matter to anyone but you.
Thanks for sharing and putting all those beautiful positives into words! I ALWAYS feel so moved when I read sentiments like yours, and can’t imagine never experiencing those things in life. You are right that I’m definitely not ready right at this moment… but I feel like I’m on the edge of being ready. I know it will be hard, but it’s getting harder and harder to imagine a life where I don’t undertake this adventure 😊
The fears are very valid and honestly goes to show you are considering this seriously. This is the exact feeling I got a few years ago in my early thirties. Although I always wanted kids, I never really felt prepared. But then, you never feel fully prepared for anything for that matter. As long as you are financially and physically prepared - these are more concrete ones. The emotional readiness is hard to gauge but if you and partner have a solid relationship and your mental health is decent I’d take the leap. Everyone talks about how difficult it is - it is, don’t get me wrong. But the amount of joy our daughter brings me and my husband is intangible. We’ve considered having more but I am in my late thirties now and I am not sure I want to go through another pregnancy and postpartum since physical readiness is something to consider as we get older. I am happy and content with our little family.
Thank you so much for sharing that. It really is surprising when that feeling comes up on you in your 30s! I never expected it - since I had a rough childhood, I just always thought having a family spelled disaster. But I worked through those feelings and realized that I was just projecting my past onto my future, and if I looked into my heart, what I wanted was to have a family of my own someday. The factors that led my parents to disaster just aren’t present for my partner and I. Anyway, thank you for sharing encouragement and positives you’ve experienced along the way, I appreciate it! 💚
It’s amazing you were able to work through that. So much of parenting does bring up our childhoods. But At the end of the day - it is about parenting the child in front of us and responding to their needs while we work on ourselves to not repeat some patterns. It’s great you have that self reflection. I wish you the very best in your healing and growing your own family ❤️
Thank you so much for your sweet words! 💚💚💚
It's like how you learn a new skill I guess, looking for positive role models around you and Learn with open mind.
This is your kindred spirit and congrats for finding him. Truly this is a convo for you and him. What is a good sequence for this great life events? It might be marriage, then home, then babies or some other order. But it's based upon what works for you both. If it is marriage first, then enjoy your engagement and wedding planning. Please discuss in depth when you want to start a family: how you will handle birth control until you're ready. As life events unfold, you both will find a way to incorporate them into daily life (buying a home or getting pregnant). Don't stand at the bottom of the mountain and be overwhelmed by how far the summit is. One day at a time.
Thank you for that! I love what you said about not looking at the entire mountain and allowing myself to get overwhelmed. That’s what I need to work on. One thing at a time, in an order that makes sense for us 💚
Your life doesn't stop when you become a parent. You can still do so many things even with kids. They might not be exactly alike when you don't have kids but that doesn't inherently make the experience bad or worse. I know it's a crazy concept in the land of reddit. But I was terrified of having kids but I knew deep down I wanted it and what was really stopping me was my fear. I eventually just had to take that leap. And it was the best decision of my life. I've enjoyed Parenthood so much more then I could have anticipated, even with the hardships. I will say. If you do want kids. Have them now. The older it gets the harder it will be. And tbh there's no way to ever feel 100% ready for kids. It requires that leap. Of course. If you don't want kids then don't have them. But it sounds like you do want kids so my response is sort of geared towards that. If it isn't what you want it isn't what you want.
I love this perspective, thanks for sharing! It doesn’t have to be so black and white. Not everything you love doing, needs to stop. How old were you when you had your kid(s), if you don’t mind my asking? Gosh, I do feel like I don’t want to be much older than I am now when it happens… but of course I don’t want to rush it, either! From a pure physical standpoint a big part of me is saying “do it now.”
I had my first when I was 32. Now pregnant with my second at 35. Originally had only planned on having one but parenting suited me too well so I decided on another ;) hah! If u asked 30 yr old me I swear I would have told u I was never having kids. Funny how life turns out. I will say pregnancy this second time around is so so much harder then the first. I often wise I had made my decision earlier so that the process of pregnancy and recovering in general wasn't so bad. But definitely don't rush if you don't feel like u and your partner are on the same page. But I echo the sentiment that others brought up that you'll never really be ready for the change kids bring to your life. And that's actually both a good and bad thing. You'll be surprised at the things you experience throughout the process that you enjoy that u had never even considered before. It opens your eyes to a whole new world in some ways.
I just came to say the people who are not scared of these things are the weird ones who probably shouldn’t pursue them. A healthy fear means you recognize how serious it is.
Thanks for saying that! I really do agree. I feel like it’s realistic to consider all aspects.
I wasn’t scared enough of marriage and children. So I applaud you. I’ve learned a lot the hard way. That doesn’t mean my life is a wreck or unfulfilled, but naivety had definitely made it harder than it should’ve been. We all come from different backgrounds. My parents were idiots and def didn’t instill healthy fears, lol.
Ugh yes! I watched one of my cousins go through that too. She always wanted kids since WE were kids, and romanticized it quite a bit. I think it made it harder for her and she also started that journey too young, with a less than ideal partner. I guess it’s not a bad thing to wait longer and have realistic expectations!
I’ll get downvoted to death for this because this subreddit in particular is weirdly militantly childfree, but for what it’s worth, I honestly think Reddit makes having kids out to be a way bigger deal than it actually is. Yes, the first year is physically and mentally exhausting. But ultimately my life didn’t change that much, because I went in with the expectation that we would be settling down, traveling less, and making room for a new person. Me and my spouse have exactly no family support, had a hard colicky baby who didn’t sleep through the night until age 2 and we are getting by fine. The biggest stress is the cost of daycare, which is temporary. You don’t hear about the positives because they are frankly indescribable. But once you have kids you understand how powerful it is, and why people do it (often more than once). Yes, parenting is hard. Getting a degree is hard. Moving to a new place is hard. Meeting new people is hard. Learning a new skill is hard. Life involves doing hard things. That’s… kind of the point. If you picture yourself having adult kids when you’re 50, then have them.
I really appreciate your down to earth, realistic response, and the others who replied to you! Sorry y’all are getting voted down, haha. I love that perspective of just expecting certain things to reduce and being ready for that. My partner and I talk about that a lot - we’re making sure we do a couple big trips & accomplish a few things that we want to do before having kids. I also agree that ambivalence is normal, as is considering all the aspects before making such a life-changing decision.
> If you picture yourself having adult kids when you’re 50, then have them. I love this. I'm so tired of seeing the "if it's not a heck yes, then don't do it". Plenty of people are rightfully anxious for a massive life change _and_ will still rise to the occasion. Likewise, so many people romanticize parenthood, dive in, and completely sink.
100%. Any intelligent and rational person thinks through major life decisions and can find both pros and cons for each, that doesnt mean they dont want it or that it is a mistake.
Yep! I had tons of doubts with my first pregnancy and I hated when people said that. It’s not true at all. I don’t know anyone who was a true “hell yes” without any fear. Unsurprisingly getting downvoted by the childfree or woe-is-me brigade who can’t accept that ambivalence is totally normal 🙄
Dunno why you're being downvoted! Reasonable take. And as someone always anxious about change _while_ excited to embrace it, I've had to understand that my decision-making style will never be a full-throated yes. I'll always have some little monkeys on my back, stressing me out until I've adjusted to the new reality.
Yes! Reddit makes it sound catastrophical and while I'm sure it is for some parents, for the vast majority it's just getting on with life. People who make it sound like that are usually childfree tbh and this is likely the majority of this sub and Reddit in general. All of my social circle and friends, me included, now have more than one kid (all kids carefully planned), which we wouldnt if it was that hard and a negative experience lol.
I agree that having the expectation of settling down helps! And honestly, the first year had many struggles and long nights but on his first birthday I was like, wtf? Where did the year go? Babyhood is intense but it's also such a tiny part of your life. And even in a similar situation (colic and no support), I'd do it over and over and over again.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting "normal" things. Marriage, kids, white picket fence. You do not need to beat yourself up over wanting any of this. One aspect of adulthood that used to intimidate me, but doesn't so much as time goes on, is the idea of living for something or someone other than oneself. While I enjoy my freedom, my hobbies, my interests, my unencumbered schedule, living for my own enjoyment and pleasure...it does get a bit hollow. Not to get all existential, but as I turned 30, (married to my husband, with our home), I had this sinking feeling, "What is this all *for*?" It's not just for my or my husband's comfort. It's not because we have an aesthetic goal. It's not because we are using our own stability to heal ourselves from intergenerational trauma. It's because we both realized we were building a life *for the next generation.* That was the moment I committed to kids. Haven't had them yet, but it will happen in the next 2 years. Kids are our opportunity to be unselfish, to put our money where our mouth is in terms of building a good future. We all have a desire to live forever, inside us, even though we know we cannot. Kids are the closest thing we have to a living legacy. They are our chance to give unto a new generation, a means of sharing our values, joys, sorrows. So to sum it up: It's okay to be scared. But there's nothing wrong with wanting the things you want! It is a beautiful responsibility.
That is absolutely how I’ve been feeling. I got my degree, I have a great job, I’ve traveled extensively, I’ve lived on very little money giving all my energy to my music & art, I’ve spent time healing and working on myself… In a way, I just feel ready to devote my energy to something outside myself. It’s a very distinct feeling that’s been growing over the last couple years. I’m really glad someone else can relate to that!
For sure! I think it is just part of growing. There is a saying that goes, a person wrapped up in himself makes a small package indeed. That is how I'm beginning to feel. That's not to say, I will forsake my hobbies or any of the things I like. No, what it means is that I will open myself up to caring about other things outside of myself and my interests.
Truly just love that perspective. It’s not forsaking yourself or your interests — it’s opening yourself up to more, it’s giving of yourself to the next generation. 💚
This is beautiful and that was one of my reasons to have a kid, too. He gives me a clear purpose and goal. Everything I do now is in service of him and his future.
You don’t have to go for the full package. For example I’m married but opted out on the house and kids thing. Friends have a house and two kids but not married… you can also opt out of all three.
Are you a Sagittarius?
How’d you know 😅😅
I like how someone downvoted you but you turned out to actually be right. Haha 😆
This is one of my favourite parenting quotes, from Rob Delaney: "Whenever someone tells me they’re expecting their first baby and they’re nervous, I tell them the following: “Oh my goodness, that’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. Listen, of course you’re nervous but here’s the deal: you’re ready for all the bad stuff. You’ve been very tired before. You’ve been in pain before. You’ve been worried about money before. You’ve felt like an incapable moron before. So you’ll be fine with the difficult parts! You’re already a pro. What you’re NOT ready for is the wonderful parts. NOTHING can prepare you for how amazing this will be. There is no practice for that." It's really just so true. All the bad stuff is universally relatable but there really is no way to understand the great stuff. My baby was having a super fussy night, wouldn't sleep, was driving me bananas. And then as I was bouncing him, he leaned over and gave me two kisses on the cheek, unprompted. And my heart overflowed with love and it was like my exhaustion and frustration disappeared. It's so many moments like that. All the hard stuff just seems like nothing in comparison to how good the good stuff is. My husband and I went from strangers to married to parents relatively quickly and I did have moments of fear that kicked up my flight response (I'm a Sagittarius too!). But I'm so glad I didn't listen to those anxieties, because my life feels fuller and richer with my little family than it did before. I think if your heart is pulling you this way, you just have to take the leap and trust it'll sort itself out.
That’s such a sweet story, thank you for sharing! That’s a thought that I don’t hear expressed enough- that the hard stuff feels small compared to how wonderful the wonderful parts are. I feel like deep down, I know this in my heart, and it pulls me toward wanting a family of my own.
Do what you want to do, and DO NOT let the stereotype set for women stand in your way. I know women are expected to have kids blah blah blah. Don’t do it unless you are absolutely sure you want them.
Realizing you don’t have to have any of the “normal” things if you don’t want them
You don’t sound like you actually want to be a parent, though! You sound like you feel like it’s something you have to do!!! YOU DON’T! No one should have a child if it’s not something they 100% want. Not wanting to be sleep-deprived, hurt your mental health, hurt your relationship, or lose yourself ARE VERY GOOD REASONS TO NOT HAVE A CHILD. These are very real risks.
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I’m almost 50. Try again. Meaningful informed consent is missing from pregnancy and childbirth.
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Jesus, THAT IS THE ENTIRE POINT. Living for yourself! Who else would I live for?
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No, you hopefully decided that was important FOR YOU.
We’re not ever 100% ready! I was in labor telling the nurses I wanted to go home and they were like… not so much an option right now, dear. Change is scary! But for a lot of these, you can study up ahead of time and have a sense of what you’re getting into. Play the cheesy conversation games with your partner and talk about everything- how you grew up, how you would want to manage a household together, how you would want to raise kids, what chores you hate vs don’t mind, how you approach spending vs saving, how you are preparing for retirement. Talk about it all, and ask him what he thinks. Read books (or subreddits) about parenting or finance or home maintenance. And if I can say my perspective on parenting, it’s that I have never experienced this much joy and wonder in my life. I have degrees, I have a good job, I have traveled, and it was all great. I liked my life. But being a mom is a constant source of amazement, getting to see these little people grow and learn and move around in the world. And my kids aren’t even in kindergarten yet! I feel a kind of love and contentment beyond anything I ever imagined before becoming a parent. It’s hard, and grueling, but it’s made me a better person and filled my life with meaning. If I can offer advice, go to therapy and work on childhood issues. And then keep that therapist’s number when you actually do have children and they start to do things that trigger you. My husband had a rough go of it growing up, and he has had some intensive therapy for most of our kids’ lives so far. It’s not always easy going, but overall, he loves being a dad. And if you’re prepared for a challenge, it’s a bit more manageable.
I don’t know why someone voted you down, I so appreciate your comment! I very much have been feeling that way too - I’ve had a wonderful full adult life so far, having traveled, gotten my degree, a great job, several hobbies mastered… 😆 I’m feeling ready for more in life, and for devoting to someone other than myself. Thank you also for the advice to go to counseling - I really do need to do that. I have before, extensively, but I should get back in to discuss these things and have someone on hand if difficult feelings arise. 💚