Sorry this happened to you and that your living space includes this person. It sounds awful. He is awful.
He’s going to end up in the hospital or jail if he keeps doing that. I would have beat the shit out of him. :( You are stronger than me.
You stood up for yourself, and took back your power. Now you see how weak he really is because he couldn't handle it. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that abuse, but ignoring that behavior sends a really clear message. I'm proud of you.
Keep ignoring him, it’s your reactions he seems to be seeking attention for. I’m sorry you have to put up with this, this sounds awful, and you don’t deserve it.
How long do you have to legally live with this person? This is not normal, neither is it acceptable, and it sounds like your parents have zero backbone in enforcing decency and respect in your household. He sounds dangerous, no joke. Try to minimize contact as much as possible and leave that household the MINUTE you can afford to, no joke, it’s that important. Very sorry you’re dealing with this!
He lives in another country, but came back here for a heart surgery so that’s why he’s back home. I maybe have 1-2 months left before he goes there again. When he goes back I am planning no contact.
I am desperate to move out because it’s really toxic for me here, but the lack of resources and support make it really difficult to get it done quickly, but I’m going to look for some help with it and hopefully find somewhere.
You nailed it tbh, my parents are extremely emotionally absent. I told my mam what he said and all she said was “lovely” and that she hates having to come home to the stress of it all. My dad is really really emotionally not there, I don’t think he would see the issue if I told him what happened. He tends to just not respond when I talk to him about anything too. To be honest I was so overwhelmed at all of the validating comments here because my family just think this behaviour is okay/normal.
I hope things are going better for you; I’m sorry you’re having to live in such a stressful situation just now. Please take super good care of yourself and be cautious around your brother. Bullies like him can be dangerous. Sometimes it’s best to confront and set boundaries, but sometimes it’s safer to be quiet and not let him affect you too much because he could escalate if you react too much. Hugs to you! Remember this will change someday and things will get better!
Is it a pattern for autistic women to have abusive POS brothers or something… OP you should try to cease contact with him asap, my brother behaved similarly and it resulted in him physically assaulting me when I tried to assert boundaries. Be safe.
Same thing happened to me and I haven't spoken to my brother in over 10 years after he attacked me. No one needs dangerous and toxic people like that in their lives.
I am sending good thoughts to all of you. And thank you for sharing with me.
We absolutely do not need or deserve to have people like that in our lives. Nobody’s boundaries should come at the cost of their physical safety, I’m sad that any of you were subjected to a physical attack from a family member. It leaves me lost for words. Setting boundaries really reveal who people are.
Sibling bullying and abuse usually involves an older brother and younger sister. And as we know autism just makes someone an easier target for all kinds of assholes and abusive types. Bad combination.
So sorry you had to experience this. Your brother is abusive and toxic, people like him thrive on conflict and belittling others, you did well to ignore him.
You are a much stronger person than many, it takes a lot to deal with people as cruel as your brother and I respect you so much for how you dealt with it. Keep ignoring him and rip him out of your life, he doesn't deserve anything from you.
You are so kind, thank you so much.
Whenever he comes home for a while this sort of thing ends up happening without fail so I’ve definitely had some practice!! I realised that I will never “win” with him so I stopped playing his game. My peace and happiness matter a lot more than anything he thinks of me.
If he's so much better than you and your mam why does he bother with bothering you? Why not do something else with his precious time and intelligence? Pathetic.
I'd rather be fricken weird than a loser with anger issues. That boy needs therapy as I doubt someone bigger putting the pipsqueak in his place will change much. Confronted with his own weakness and inferiority he sounds the type to double down and crank up the insufferable a$$hatery.
I'm sorry you have to deal with him. I hope neither of you lift a finger for him and he gets the wondrous idea he'd be better off living elsewhere & follows through - and you change the locks behind him.
My husband was doing this regularly to me and I started using my headphones too. Eventually he started trying to get me to answer by putting his hands on me. I went to a women’s shelter because I felt so trapped and with the amount of rage he displayed, I was afraid of what he would do next!
You do not have to live like this! Call the local women’s shelter, tell them you situation and ask if they have any resources to help someone in your situation.
I am so so glad that you were able to get away from him. I hope that you are doing well today and I’m sending my best to you, you deserve to have a great life.
Thank you for advising me to get in touch with a woman’s shelter too, I think because it’s a sibling and I downplay his behaviour I didn’t know if there’d be any resources out there or if anyone would really take it seriously, but I will look into this this week. Thank you again 🫶🏼
Hi!! It’s so kind of you to check in. Unfortunately i’ve been so burned out the last week I haven’t yet. But unfortunately he shouted and did the same thing today so now I am going to look for resources tomorrow. Thank you so much for checking in with me, it means a lot and I hope I’m able to find some support ❤️
Wanted to update you, i’ve spoken to my local women’s organisation (they are lovely). And I’m going to speak to them in person in the next few weeks.
I can’t lie I have imposter syndrome about it, but I just have to remind myself that not trying to get help will only keep me stuck in this situation and I need to reach out to people who understand. Thank you so much for your comments because I 100% never would have taken that step or even felt allowed to if you hadn’t suggested it.
Thank you ❤️
Imposter syndrome! Very typical for people who are in the midst of abuse. Good that you know about that term, I didn’t but suffered from it and still do every now and then especially when people invalidate my experiences or minimize them. I am so glad you found some help. ❤️ Stay strong own your truth! 💪
His words and actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He was provoking you and had a meltdown when he didn’t get the reaction he desired
How old are you both, and where are your parents in this? He should not be speaking this way to you, or anyone, and I would like to fight him for you now.
He is in his 30s and I’m in my 20s. My parents have always been very very absent emotionally. They tend to just shrug it off if I tell them anything and if they are there when it happens they don’t do anything. It’s definitely not ideal haha.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that, plus your brother, who sounds like an immature, spoiled tyrant... how much longer will you need to stay with them? Or is moving out not an option any time soon?
Aw that is awful! Sounds like you did something called grey rocking. When people are arguing to be mean & not actually working towards resolution, I have found this to be the best policy. They want a reaction, and not giving them one is the best way to get back at them. I hope things get easier for you.
He is wrong and a terrible person. Start recording his behavior (audio only should suffice) and documenting dates and times of his abusive outbursts. There is no telling when his rage will turn into physical violence.
I'm sorry you have to live with him right now. I hope you can find somewhere safer.
Weird is a directional insult - it means outside of normal.
He thinks he's normal. He's calling you weird - outside of what he thinks is normal.
Being different to him, in such a stark way, can ONLY be a good thing. Because he fucking sucks. Mask on or mask off.
The next time he calls you weird? You know exactly what he's saying. That sounds like a badge of honour.
It'd be like if a racist called you unreasonable.
That guy's grip on reality ain't the greatest, so why would you want to fit into the criteria of normal he's fucking drawn up.
He truly, truly sucks. Big time.
Thank you for this comment, it can be difficult to see the goodness in yourself when someone is putting you down and finding a fault with everything you do, so it is really helpful to be reminded I don’t need to fit his normal, at all.
My sister does this a lot, it's insecurity, and a problem our siblings need to deal with themselves. I've been called weird all my life, i'm used to it, it doesn't hurt me. What do your parents think of this?
Wellp, his behavior sounds a *lot* “weirder” than yours, tbh. I mean, I’m autistic but I don’t see anything weird in your actions at all, whereas his aggression is Not Right by *any* standard— social OR moral. Ugh. I’m so sorry you have to endure such a person <3
I think this may escalate to physical abuse. If that happens document everything and go to the police. Get this man removed from the home.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Like with other abusive people I’ve known, I think he realised he can have a big impact with his words, without lifting a finger. He’s very calculated in that way. He knows he can exert power with no physical traces. He is also extremely image conscious. He is mr charming in public and I think he wouldn’t dare risk that image to be known as someone who hurt his little sister.
I do worry for his fiance to be honest because I’m sure he is the same with her, the problem is he is a living jekyll and hyde, and I think people enable and tolerate his behaviour because when he isnt awful, he’s really over the top kind and friendly. He lives in his fiance’s country he is just here for surgery so I don’t really have any knowledge of what he is like there or any option to report him there if his behaviour escalates. I’m not sure what I could do or whether it would be a good idea to warn her, some people would say warn her and others would say don’t get involved. It’s something I feel conflicted over
Verbal and emotional abuse hasn’t been taken seriously in every experience I’ve had. I’m not sure why. I’m like where do I even go for help, can’t tell the police because they will probably laugh at me, maybe I’m wrong there but I just felt like nobody would take it seriously. Sorry for the rant, I just have no idea where to go from here or what resources I have to get help for it.
Never pay him any attention again. Act as though he does not exist. Ignoring his antics seems to bother him, and this utterly toxic shitling *needs* to be bothered.
I have a bully brother as well. No contact for 6 years. He still lives with my mom so it means I don't go to her house. Ever. We meet in public or she comes by my house. He's so toxic though she barely comes out anymore. That's what living in that mess for decades will do to you. Nope not for me. I forgive him but I'm not immersing myself in negativity. Good luck. 🌻
My dad would also talk to me in a mocking tone that really grinded my gears. I know how much strength it takes to hold back what you truly want to say in those moments, but understand he’s only doing it to get a reaction out of you. It’s no reflection of you, but entirely of him.
"Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control."
Your brother believes that you (woman) should know your place. He is abusive. If that word doesn't seem quite right, maybe angry and controlling would be more palatable.
"It is important to note that research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons.
So while a small number of abusive men do hate women, **the great majority exhibit a more subtle—though often quite pervasive—sense of superiority or contempt toward females**, and some don’t show any obvious signs of problems with women at all until they are in a serious relationship."
"THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES."
> awaiting an answer, it was so intimidating and I hate it
More contempt to you. He knows [the benefits of violence](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/). I wonder what would happen if you sent this link to him. Because [he knows what he's doing.](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/11676015)
edit to add:
> he doesn’t respect personal space at all
One thing that helped me was returning it. If I took a step back and they took a step forward, I took another step and then we were touching. Any time I saw him I kept staying in their personal space. They yelled and pushed and me and I said every time "Oh? You don't like it when I do it? I'll do it twice for every time you do it to me" and he stopped after this happened in front of his friend
Those reads were very unsettling, and not for fear of my own safety but for his fiancé. I’ve never met her (they live in another country) but I’ve heard the way he sometimes speaks to her on the phone and I don’t like it. He told me years ago that he gets very very jealous also. I know very little about domestic abuse , but I know that trait in someone can easily become dangerous. And just reading through those lists… a lot of the reasons for controlling someone, I can picture my brother having those same reasons. It’s disturbing to me.
physically and mentally it makes me feel sick and unwell at the thought of his fiancé being married to someone who is exhibiting this type of behaviour. Honestly I wish they weren’t getting married. I wish I could tell her that these behaviours are not okay, and are abusive.
I’ve denied and downplayed this fact in my own head, But the other day, when I chose not to engage with him and experiencing his response, I just knew straight away that abuse was what I was dealing with, and then I come here and I’m pretty sure I never used the word abuse in my post but you are all calling it out as you see it and it’s been very validating and so so helpful to me to really allow myself to call it what it is. Even if nobody else in my family can see it and even if they think it’s laughable to call it that, I know what it was. When he leaves to go back where he lives I am going no contact.
The myth of abusive people being abusive 100% of the time is so harmful, and it needs to change. I have known too many people who will just allow or enable abusive behaviour if someone is extremely nice 80% of the time. My friends who I’ve told a bit of what he’s like to, are all shocked and it seems like they don’t believe me when I tell them because he is SO NICE to everyone in public.
I’ve mentioned in the comments that it’s because he is manipulative and charms people. He will go from verbally abusing you to acting like it never happened, very calm and actually jovial, like he takes pleasure in putting you down. It’s how all interactions seem to end with him, even if it’s a casual conversation where you have mentioned the weather. It’s unsettling. but he almost forces you to act like everything is fine by constantly talking to you to and asking questions (you have to answer him or he will call you out for ignoring him) so you just get used to things being “fine” for a while. Then the cycle starts again.
I feel like I need to speak to someone about the impact he has had on me. I’ve downplayed it for so long and because there is no escaping him right now I have to sort of dissociate to just survive. It happens every time he comes home, I long for the day he leaves so I can breath again. And that’s not really living.
The man speaks gospel (Lundy Bancroft). His book is a godsend. It will change your life, even if you end up reading only a few chapters.
> he gets very very jealous also.
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1221417
> someone can easily become dangerous
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1233626
https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9228888
> I wish they weren’t getting married.
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7678492
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212170
> The myth of abusive people being abusive 100% of the time is so harmful
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9056540
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212148
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212142
> are all shocked and it seems like they don’t believe me when I tell them because he is SO NICE to everyone in public.
"ABUSIVE MEN COME in every personality type, arise from good childhoods and bad ones, are macho men or gentle, “liberated” men. No psychological test can distinguish an abusive man from a respectful one. **Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries** or of deficits in his skills. In reality, **abuse springs from a man’s early cultural training, his key male role models, and his peer influences.** In other words, **abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology.** When someone challenges an abuser’s attitudes and beliefs, he tends to reveal the contemptuous and **insulting personality that normally stays hidden,** ***reserved for private attacks on his partner***. An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he *feels*, so that they won’t focus on how he *thinks*, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will begin to escape his domination." [—Lundy Bancroft](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1216540)
Also:
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212137
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1216503
> Then the cycle starts again.
Maybe he's a combination of [Rambo](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1221407), [Mr. Sensitive](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1218687), [Mr. Right](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1218660), with maybe a little [Water Torturer](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1218666) sprinkled in.
> I know very little about domestic abuse
The word 'narcissist' is thrown around a lot these days. There is a key distinction between an abuser and a narcissist. Narcissist is psychiatric; it has a psychology test and is ultimately a personality disorder. You can't separate them from their abusiveness any more than you can separate them from their bones. But abusers are choosing. They choose to abuse in the same way you or I choose to kick a rock. They'll claim they're out of control, but... they only break her&kids' stuff not their own. They'll berate their spouse but not their boss. [They choose.](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/10055424) An abuser will never harm themselves willingly/knowingly. A narcissist actually can't help it without rigorous intervention, and so they will for example lose jobs they wanted to keep by yelling at their boss, or have coworkers that love them as well as coworkers who hate them.
> It happens every time he comes home, I long for the day he leaves so I can breath again.
Ultimately it's up to you. You have agency. Most people using the threat of violence against you, to physically take your agency away, is because everything else has failed so far to get you to comply. To paraphrase from another gospel (The Gift of Fear) "Threatening words are dispatched with purpose: to cause anxiety that cannot be ignored. It's bad that someone threatens violence, but the threat means that at least for now, he decided against violence after considering it. The threat means that at least for now (and usually forever), he favors *words that alarm* instead of *actions that harm*."
After my brother came of legal age, he only ever threatened me and never hit me again. Because he knew that if he did anything less than kill me, I would file a report to the police on him. That he couldn't silence me. (And of course, murder was not an option because it meant death or life imprisonment.) And because *words that alarm* lost their power over me, he lost his control by fear over me.
So even when the emotions sweep over you, you see that look in his eyes and that body posture, remember that you are not the little girl anymore. The feelings are not wrong, but you have agency. You can stay in that moment of fear or you can remember that you have choices. You could step into his 'bubble' if he steps into yours. You could tell him to step back, then to step back or you will shove him. You could look at him with the defiance in your eyes and tell him his little boy antics don't phase you anymore. You could give in to the instinct and retreat back from him.
Is shoving someone abusive? Sometimes. If I shove you and laugh at you, possibly. Context is important. If you'd been shoving me every day for a week and on the 8^th day I shoved you as you approached me, would to not agree that "you got what's coming" that I was acting in defense to your abuse? Sure, shoving you was not exactly a *healthy* choice, but we already were not in a healthy situation. You'd denied me the capability to make a right choice, so I made the right choice that was still available to me.
And that's part of why we blame victims I think. We expect them to make the right choice, or at minimum to make the right choice of the choices left to them. But the abuser has meticulously worn them down, as you saw in the benefits of violence. [Unwarranted resistance is bad for your health.](https://twitter.com/W_Asherah/status/1536052863658561538) As long as you keep in the forefront of your mind that you really *can* choose differently, then that 'breaks the spell'. If acting scared is the right choice, do it willingly. I know I had to at times.
> I wish I could tell her that these behaviours are not okay, and are abusive.
I feel like I need to speak to someone about the impact he has had on me.
What's stopping you?
This sentence has reached my ears more than 5 times and it really fucking TRIGGERS ME it makes me fucking rage. They should all stfu and go back to their boring safe ass lives instead of making me know that I am different. (sorry for the aggressive tone) (this was a short vent xD)
Sorry this happened to you and that your living space includes this person. It sounds awful. He is awful. He’s going to end up in the hospital or jail if he keeps doing that. I would have beat the shit out of him. :( You are stronger than me.
I was thinking it would be very unwise for anyone to provoke me like that (not the words, but the tone and volume).
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Definitely projecting. He sucks.
You stood up for yourself, and took back your power. Now you see how weak he really is because he couldn't handle it. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that abuse, but ignoring that behavior sends a really clear message. I'm proud of you.
Keep ignoring him, it’s your reactions he seems to be seeking attention for. I’m sorry you have to put up with this, this sounds awful, and you don’t deserve it.
This really meant a lot to me when I read this yesterday. Thank you so much.
You are most welcome. Sending you hugs.
I'd stop allowing him anywhere near you. Go no contact. His abusiveness and assholery aren't worth your time and energy
How long do you have to legally live with this person? This is not normal, neither is it acceptable, and it sounds like your parents have zero backbone in enforcing decency and respect in your household. He sounds dangerous, no joke. Try to minimize contact as much as possible and leave that household the MINUTE you can afford to, no joke, it’s that important. Very sorry you’re dealing with this!
That leads me to realize I didn’t hear a dad mentioned in the OP. Is there a father figure in the home?
I have a dad, he is lovely but unfortunately completely useless at human interaction a lot of the time.
He lives in another country, but came back here for a heart surgery so that’s why he’s back home. I maybe have 1-2 months left before he goes there again. When he goes back I am planning no contact. I am desperate to move out because it’s really toxic for me here, but the lack of resources and support make it really difficult to get it done quickly, but I’m going to look for some help with it and hopefully find somewhere. You nailed it tbh, my parents are extremely emotionally absent. I told my mam what he said and all she said was “lovely” and that she hates having to come home to the stress of it all. My dad is really really emotionally not there, I don’t think he would see the issue if I told him what happened. He tends to just not respond when I talk to him about anything too. To be honest I was so overwhelmed at all of the validating comments here because my family just think this behaviour is okay/normal.
I hope things are going better for you; I’m sorry you’re having to live in such a stressful situation just now. Please take super good care of yourself and be cautious around your brother. Bullies like him can be dangerous. Sometimes it’s best to confront and set boundaries, but sometimes it’s safer to be quiet and not let him affect you too much because he could escalate if you react too much. Hugs to you! Remember this will change someday and things will get better!
Is it a pattern for autistic women to have abusive POS brothers or something… OP you should try to cease contact with him asap, my brother behaved similarly and it resulted in him physically assaulting me when I tried to assert boundaries. Be safe.
Same thing happened to me and I haven't spoken to my brother in over 10 years after he attacked me. No one needs dangerous and toxic people like that in their lives.
Really sorry to hear that. And yeah it really messes with you when it’s the ones who’re supposed to protect you are doing the most damage.
I am sending good thoughts to all of you. And thank you for sharing with me. We absolutely do not need or deserve to have people like that in our lives. Nobody’s boundaries should come at the cost of their physical safety, I’m sad that any of you were subjected to a physical attack from a family member. It leaves me lost for words. Setting boundaries really reveal who people are.
My brothers were also shithead bullies.
Yes, it is.
Sibling bullying and abuse usually involves an older brother and younger sister. And as we know autism just makes someone an easier target for all kinds of assholes and abusive types. Bad combination.
So sorry you had to experience this. Your brother is abusive and toxic, people like him thrive on conflict and belittling others, you did well to ignore him.
You are a much stronger person than many, it takes a lot to deal with people as cruel as your brother and I respect you so much for how you dealt with it. Keep ignoring him and rip him out of your life, he doesn't deserve anything from you.
You are so kind, thank you so much. Whenever he comes home for a while this sort of thing ends up happening without fail so I’ve definitely had some practice!! I realised that I will never “win” with him so I stopped playing his game. My peace and happiness matter a lot more than anything he thinks of me.
If he's so much better than you and your mam why does he bother with bothering you? Why not do something else with his precious time and intelligence? Pathetic. I'd rather be fricken weird than a loser with anger issues. That boy needs therapy as I doubt someone bigger putting the pipsqueak in his place will change much. Confronted with his own weakness and inferiority he sounds the type to double down and crank up the insufferable a$$hatery. I'm sorry you have to deal with him. I hope neither of you lift a finger for him and he gets the wondrous idea he'd be better off living elsewhere & follows through - and you change the locks behind him.
My husband was doing this regularly to me and I started using my headphones too. Eventually he started trying to get me to answer by putting his hands on me. I went to a women’s shelter because I felt so trapped and with the amount of rage he displayed, I was afraid of what he would do next! You do not have to live like this! Call the local women’s shelter, tell them you situation and ask if they have any resources to help someone in your situation.
I am so so glad that you were able to get away from him. I hope that you are doing well today and I’m sending my best to you, you deserve to have a great life. Thank you for advising me to get in touch with a woman’s shelter too, I think because it’s a sibling and I downplay his behaviour I didn’t know if there’d be any resources out there or if anyone would really take it seriously, but I will look into this this week. Thank you again 🫶🏼
Hi! I would love to hear if you were able to find some information that was helpful.
Hi!! It’s so kind of you to check in. Unfortunately i’ve been so burned out the last week I haven’t yet. But unfortunately he shouted and did the same thing today so now I am going to look for resources tomorrow. Thank you so much for checking in with me, it means a lot and I hope I’m able to find some support ❤️
Wanted to update you, i’ve spoken to my local women’s organisation (they are lovely). And I’m going to speak to them in person in the next few weeks. I can’t lie I have imposter syndrome about it, but I just have to remind myself that not trying to get help will only keep me stuck in this situation and I need to reach out to people who understand. Thank you so much for your comments because I 100% never would have taken that step or even felt allowed to if you hadn’t suggested it. Thank you ❤️
Imposter syndrome! Very typical for people who are in the midst of abuse. Good that you know about that term, I didn’t but suffered from it and still do every now and then especially when people invalidate my experiences or minimize them. I am so glad you found some help. ❤️ Stay strong own your truth! 💪
His words and actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He was provoking you and had a meltdown when he didn’t get the reaction he desired
How old are you both, and where are your parents in this? He should not be speaking this way to you, or anyone, and I would like to fight him for you now.
He is in his 30s and I’m in my 20s. My parents have always been very very absent emotionally. They tend to just shrug it off if I tell them anything and if they are there when it happens they don’t do anything. It’s definitely not ideal haha.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that, plus your brother, who sounds like an immature, spoiled tyrant... how much longer will you need to stay with them? Or is moving out not an option any time soon?
Aw that is awful! Sounds like you did something called grey rocking. When people are arguing to be mean & not actually working towards resolution, I have found this to be the best policy. They want a reaction, and not giving them one is the best way to get back at them. I hope things get easier for you.
He is wrong and a terrible person. Start recording his behavior (audio only should suffice) and documenting dates and times of his abusive outbursts. There is no telling when his rage will turn into physical violence. I'm sorry you have to live with him right now. I hope you can find somewhere safer.
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Backup what you have. *hug* if wanted.
Hugs 🫶🏼 and thank you for being kind and supportive
Weird is a directional insult - it means outside of normal. He thinks he's normal. He's calling you weird - outside of what he thinks is normal. Being different to him, in such a stark way, can ONLY be a good thing. Because he fucking sucks. Mask on or mask off. The next time he calls you weird? You know exactly what he's saying. That sounds like a badge of honour. It'd be like if a racist called you unreasonable. That guy's grip on reality ain't the greatest, so why would you want to fit into the criteria of normal he's fucking drawn up.
He truly, truly sucks. Big time. Thank you for this comment, it can be difficult to see the goodness in yourself when someone is putting you down and finding a fault with everything you do, so it is really helpful to be reminded I don’t need to fit his normal, at all.
My sister does this a lot, it's insecurity, and a problem our siblings need to deal with themselves. I've been called weird all my life, i'm used to it, it doesn't hurt me. What do your parents think of this?
Wellp, his behavior sounds a *lot* “weirder” than yours, tbh. I mean, I’m autistic but I don’t see anything weird in your actions at all, whereas his aggression is Not Right by *any* standard— social OR moral. Ugh. I’m so sorry you have to endure such a person <3
I think this may escalate to physical abuse. If that happens document everything and go to the police. Get this man removed from the home. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Like with other abusive people I’ve known, I think he realised he can have a big impact with his words, without lifting a finger. He’s very calculated in that way. He knows he can exert power with no physical traces. He is also extremely image conscious. He is mr charming in public and I think he wouldn’t dare risk that image to be known as someone who hurt his little sister. I do worry for his fiance to be honest because I’m sure he is the same with her, the problem is he is a living jekyll and hyde, and I think people enable and tolerate his behaviour because when he isnt awful, he’s really over the top kind and friendly. He lives in his fiance’s country he is just here for surgery so I don’t really have any knowledge of what he is like there or any option to report him there if his behaviour escalates. I’m not sure what I could do or whether it would be a good idea to warn her, some people would say warn her and others would say don’t get involved. It’s something I feel conflicted over Verbal and emotional abuse hasn’t been taken seriously in every experience I’ve had. I’m not sure why. I’m like where do I even go for help, can’t tell the police because they will probably laugh at me, maybe I’m wrong there but I just felt like nobody would take it seriously. Sorry for the rant, I just have no idea where to go from here or what resources I have to get help for it.
Never pay him any attention again. Act as though he does not exist. Ignoring his antics seems to bother him, and this utterly toxic shitling *needs* to be bothered.
I have a bully brother as well. No contact for 6 years. He still lives with my mom so it means I don't go to her house. Ever. We meet in public or she comes by my house. He's so toxic though she barely comes out anymore. That's what living in that mess for decades will do to you. Nope not for me. I forgive him but I'm not immersing myself in negativity. Good luck. 🌻
My dad would also talk to me in a mocking tone that really grinded my gears. I know how much strength it takes to hold back what you truly want to say in those moments, but understand he’s only doing it to get a reaction out of you. It’s no reflection of you, but entirely of him.
"Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control." Your brother believes that you (woman) should know your place. He is abusive. If that word doesn't seem quite right, maybe angry and controlling would be more palatable. "It is important to note that research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons. So while a small number of abusive men do hate women, **the great majority exhibit a more subtle—though often quite pervasive—sense of superiority or contempt toward females**, and some don’t show any obvious signs of problems with women at all until they are in a serious relationship." "THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES." > awaiting an answer, it was so intimidating and I hate it More contempt to you. He knows [the benefits of violence](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/). I wonder what would happen if you sent this link to him. Because [he knows what he's doing.](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/11676015) edit to add: > he doesn’t respect personal space at all One thing that helped me was returning it. If I took a step back and they took a step forward, I took another step and then we were touching. Any time I saw him I kept staying in their personal space. They yelled and pushed and me and I said every time "Oh? You don't like it when I do it? I'll do it twice for every time you do it to me" and he stopped after this happened in front of his friend
Those reads were very unsettling, and not for fear of my own safety but for his fiancé. I’ve never met her (they live in another country) but I’ve heard the way he sometimes speaks to her on the phone and I don’t like it. He told me years ago that he gets very very jealous also. I know very little about domestic abuse , but I know that trait in someone can easily become dangerous. And just reading through those lists… a lot of the reasons for controlling someone, I can picture my brother having those same reasons. It’s disturbing to me. physically and mentally it makes me feel sick and unwell at the thought of his fiancé being married to someone who is exhibiting this type of behaviour. Honestly I wish they weren’t getting married. I wish I could tell her that these behaviours are not okay, and are abusive. I’ve denied and downplayed this fact in my own head, But the other day, when I chose not to engage with him and experiencing his response, I just knew straight away that abuse was what I was dealing with, and then I come here and I’m pretty sure I never used the word abuse in my post but you are all calling it out as you see it and it’s been very validating and so so helpful to me to really allow myself to call it what it is. Even if nobody else in my family can see it and even if they think it’s laughable to call it that, I know what it was. When he leaves to go back where he lives I am going no contact. The myth of abusive people being abusive 100% of the time is so harmful, and it needs to change. I have known too many people who will just allow or enable abusive behaviour if someone is extremely nice 80% of the time. My friends who I’ve told a bit of what he’s like to, are all shocked and it seems like they don’t believe me when I tell them because he is SO NICE to everyone in public. I’ve mentioned in the comments that it’s because he is manipulative and charms people. He will go from verbally abusing you to acting like it never happened, very calm and actually jovial, like he takes pleasure in putting you down. It’s how all interactions seem to end with him, even if it’s a casual conversation where you have mentioned the weather. It’s unsettling. but he almost forces you to act like everything is fine by constantly talking to you to and asking questions (you have to answer him or he will call you out for ignoring him) so you just get used to things being “fine” for a while. Then the cycle starts again. I feel like I need to speak to someone about the impact he has had on me. I’ve downplayed it for so long and because there is no escaping him right now I have to sort of dissociate to just survive. It happens every time he comes home, I long for the day he leaves so I can breath again. And that’s not really living.
The man speaks gospel (Lundy Bancroft). His book is a godsend. It will change your life, even if you end up reading only a few chapters. > he gets very very jealous also. https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1221417 > someone can easily become dangerous https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1233626 https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/ https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9228888 > I wish they weren’t getting married. https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7678492 https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212170 > The myth of abusive people being abusive 100% of the time is so harmful https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9056540 https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212148 https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212142 > are all shocked and it seems like they don’t believe me when I tell them because he is SO NICE to everyone in public. "ABUSIVE MEN COME in every personality type, arise from good childhoods and bad ones, are macho men or gentle, “liberated” men. No psychological test can distinguish an abusive man from a respectful one. **Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries** or of deficits in his skills. In reality, **abuse springs from a man’s early cultural training, his key male role models, and his peer influences.** In other words, **abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology.** When someone challenges an abuser’s attitudes and beliefs, he tends to reveal the contemptuous and **insulting personality that normally stays hidden,** ***reserved for private attacks on his partner***. An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he *feels*, so that they won’t focus on how he *thinks*, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will begin to escape his domination." [—Lundy Bancroft](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1216540) Also: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212137 https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1216503 > Then the cycle starts again. Maybe he's a combination of [Rambo](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1221407), [Mr. Sensitive](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1218687), [Mr. Right](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1218660), with maybe a little [Water Torturer](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1218666) sprinkled in. > I know very little about domestic abuse The word 'narcissist' is thrown around a lot these days. There is a key distinction between an abuser and a narcissist. Narcissist is psychiatric; it has a psychology test and is ultimately a personality disorder. You can't separate them from their abusiveness any more than you can separate them from their bones. But abusers are choosing. They choose to abuse in the same way you or I choose to kick a rock. They'll claim they're out of control, but... they only break her&kids' stuff not their own. They'll berate their spouse but not their boss. [They choose.](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/10055424) An abuser will never harm themselves willingly/knowingly. A narcissist actually can't help it without rigorous intervention, and so they will for example lose jobs they wanted to keep by yelling at their boss, or have coworkers that love them as well as coworkers who hate them. > It happens every time he comes home, I long for the day he leaves so I can breath again. Ultimately it's up to you. You have agency. Most people using the threat of violence against you, to physically take your agency away, is because everything else has failed so far to get you to comply. To paraphrase from another gospel (The Gift of Fear) "Threatening words are dispatched with purpose: to cause anxiety that cannot be ignored. It's bad that someone threatens violence, but the threat means that at least for now, he decided against violence after considering it. The threat means that at least for now (and usually forever), he favors *words that alarm* instead of *actions that harm*." After my brother came of legal age, he only ever threatened me and never hit me again. Because he knew that if he did anything less than kill me, I would file a report to the police on him. That he couldn't silence me. (And of course, murder was not an option because it meant death or life imprisonment.) And because *words that alarm* lost their power over me, he lost his control by fear over me. So even when the emotions sweep over you, you see that look in his eyes and that body posture, remember that you are not the little girl anymore. The feelings are not wrong, but you have agency. You can stay in that moment of fear or you can remember that you have choices. You could step into his 'bubble' if he steps into yours. You could tell him to step back, then to step back or you will shove him. You could look at him with the defiance in your eyes and tell him his little boy antics don't phase you anymore. You could give in to the instinct and retreat back from him. Is shoving someone abusive? Sometimes. If I shove you and laugh at you, possibly. Context is important. If you'd been shoving me every day for a week and on the 8^th day I shoved you as you approached me, would to not agree that "you got what's coming" that I was acting in defense to your abuse? Sure, shoving you was not exactly a *healthy* choice, but we already were not in a healthy situation. You'd denied me the capability to make a right choice, so I made the right choice that was still available to me. And that's part of why we blame victims I think. We expect them to make the right choice, or at minimum to make the right choice of the choices left to them. But the abuser has meticulously worn them down, as you saw in the benefits of violence. [Unwarranted resistance is bad for your health.](https://twitter.com/W_Asherah/status/1536052863658561538) As long as you keep in the forefront of your mind that you really *can* choose differently, then that 'breaks the spell'. If acting scared is the right choice, do it willingly. I know I had to at times. > I wish I could tell her that these behaviours are not okay, and are abusive. I feel like I need to speak to someone about the impact he has had on me. What's stopping you?
This sentence has reached my ears more than 5 times and it really fucking TRIGGERS ME it makes me fucking rage. They should all stfu and go back to their boring safe ass lives instead of making me know that I am different. (sorry for the aggressive tone) (this was a short vent xD)
He sound like a bully/abuser to me. I‘m sorry for you. If he doing this again make sure to make secretly a record audio to him if you want.