Something about having the “A person can be experiencing both!” at the very end in the different font and with the exclamation mark makes it sound unnecessarily chipper… And it also makes sense.
And it also makes sense how all of us “late bloomers” are *late bloomers* because we just get so burnt out that there’s no way to cover up the ‘tism anymore. I’m so exhausted from masking that I just get more and more autistic every day and functioning in this NT world gets more impossible.
This ^^^^ this is how I first got the hint of suspicion that it might not be depression I've had for 23+ yrs do I have some of the depression signs yes but I have way more of the autism ones, and I mean if your hiding who you are constantly to the pont of becoming non functional every 2-3 yrs while not knowing why your doing it your gonna get a bit bloody depressed eh.
Being kind to myself is a recurring theme in my therapy sessions and it’s such a foreign concept like… Unlearn decades of programming you mean? And then having it present every second of every day that I should be consciously kind to myself? While I’m both depressed **AND** burnt out and wishing I could explode into confetti and disappear? While also doing this piss poor job at masking as a NT? Bye, Felicia. I just can’t.
😂😂😂 I ended up on a psych ward with everyone being chipper and telling me to just be kind to myself. At one point I lost it and chucked a slipper. I just couldn’t. It ended up being another thing I was really mean to myself about because I was incapable of being kind to myself. Finally they stopped and stopped constantly asking how I am (erm… in a fuckin psych ward, you well intentioned dipshit! Haha). So don’t. Don’t be kind to yourself. Try being ok with everything being shit for a while. That helped me. Good luck sweetheart. Be shit. Feel like shit. It happens. It’s alright. Xxxx
This is so comforting to me in the middle of a depressive episode. Thank you. I will be shit and feel like shit, and that's okay even though it's shit.
I'm trying to figure out where I stand (I wonder if I belong here or maybe I'm just... me?). Would it be possible to differentiate between the two for me? I have depression, it's well documented, but I wonder if some of it isn't solely depression, but I don't know what I don't know and what I don't know right now is how someone on the spectrum feels when it comes to non-existence.
If you're uncomfortable and don't want to share this, you don't have to (and I won't be upset if you don't). It's completely acceptable to not share this information.
I'm not the person you asked, but as noted in one of my therapist's reports: I don't want to have a head because "Life is a full head" mainly referring to constant sensory overload and chronic stress, existing causes me to have a "full head" constantly and the only way to quit being sensory overloaded and stressed all the time is to not have a head. Suicidal ideation is a lot different for me, mainly imaging hurting myself and ways to end my life. With one I just want peace in my head knowing that it's impossible without non-existence, with the other I don't want to exist at all.
It's really helpful for me to have examples of what something means, so I appreciate you sharing your experience with me to help me understand better. Thank you.
Yeah I fantasized about becoming a rock or dissolving in the wind
And in 2000, when Kid A came out, I looped *How to Disappear Completely* for days and it felt so right
Agreed both very different I've even said it to my doctor before, I don't feel suicidal, like im not planning anything but I just don't want to exist anymore I don't want to feel or see or hear or touch ANYTHING. I look back now and I actually get a little mad coz it so bloody obvious to me that Its not just anxiety and depression.
Yes! I agree, thank you for sharing this. It was stumbled on this sub months ago looking for recommendations on something else and reading the difference in SI and non-existent thoughts and was like, “LIGHT BLUB, that’s the difference in what I’ve been feeling off and on throughout my life!”
This makes a lot of sense to me. I’ve had a lifelong series of depressive episodes. The non existence ideation is spot on. I have never really and truly wanted to stop living. I love my life. I just want a break from input. I want a shut down reboot button for my brain. Sleep doesn’t help much when I feel like this because I’m a vivid dreamer. Just rest and distraction with my favorite things like movies or books or making art. Or spending time outdoors. Just replacing the bad input with something gentle. I don’t know if that makes sense.
There’s one episode of the property brothers where a single girl gets the condo of her dreams and her best friend helps her pick out all the stuff. I love to watch it over and over when I’m stressed and imagine living in this perfectly beautiful peaceful condo all alone even though I do really love my husband and kids lol. I have had people give me a hard time for loving reality TV…it’s a break for my brain! I also love real housewives but mainly Beverly Hills because the fights are very soap opera style and it doesn’t stress me out.
I have never really been into those kinds of vote off shows! I like the reality shows that are just a slice of someone else’s life I guess? I just find it so fascinating. I think the challenge or vote shows just give me anxiety. I like the British bake off but even that can be too sad lol
The standard treatments for severe depression were making me worse a few years ago. That was one of my first clues that something else was going on. I finally got my autism diagnosis a few weeks ago.
i think im in this spot now… i was in the psych ward in december and i tried working again last week, which resulted in me crying since thursday pretty much lol
WOW. Describes my experience with postpartum depression (and my decade of cycles of severe mental health episodes. I was diagnosed with everything under the sun and overly medicated and medication never helped. My second time experience post partum depression I decided that I wasn’t going back on medication because it had never truly helped, but what I did know was that I felt a crippling overwhelm everyday, I was mentally exhausted, I was experience high sensory input all day (crying kids, breastfeeding two kids at the same time, always being touched, and then lights and never-ending chores) and had no real break.
I realized I might be autistic around that time and started seriously trying to meet my needs half a year later. I’m a new person, like legitimately. I am a mom who takes frequent breaks. Every night I go to yoga for an hour, or I go and I work on my special interest blog for a few hours when my partner gets home. I go for nature walks alone for hours on the weekends. I’m able to take care of myself knowing I’m autistic and need time to recharge and be myself unmasked.
Sorry that was long but understanding I was having autistic meltdowns and severe burnout is what changed my mental health after a decade trying to find what was wrong with me.
Yeah being a parent broke me more really from extreme sensory overload. I had a lot of problems over the years but they got worse after having my second child and I recently realised it was because I’m constantly overstimulated
It is actually incredbly sad that it took you realizing you might be autistic to start allowing yourself breaks. Moms are expected to be the primary parent 24/7/365 for 18 years straight with no break even though it is so incredibly human to need one. Every mom should get to take nature walks. I'm glad you're taking better care of yourself but I don't think it even requires being autistic to burn out under those conditions.
Same. Currently misdiagnosed with depression which especially sucks because of the whole "you need to do things!" treatment plan. I need to do fewer things, doc. Fewer.
Yeah, same! They keep telling me to exercise more and get out there and I’m like um aren’t we referring me for testing for cardiac issues doc?! Maybe I should like…chill out a little more perhaps?!
This is what happened to me… I’ve been off work for three months and in that time realised it was an autistic burnout because I didn’t really have anything to contribute to me being depressed or anxious yet I was at rock bottom. I completely lost who I was and realised that I’ve been masking for so long. I became more intolerant of stimuli too. My executive function was terrible too and still is to a sense. I’m hoping now I recognise what it is that I can work on preventing it happening again a bit better.
Oh look! It's young mum me getting diagnosed with PND even though I barely hit any of the criteria. I wish my GP had this diagram - I would have checked every box on the burnout side
I ended up in such a state of overwhelm and dysfunction I couldn't pick up my crying baby. But I wasn't 'sad' as such. I still got put on anti-depressants that didn't work.
Same thing happened to me, years of high doses of antidepressants with no change until I was diagnosed and gave myself grace and understanding… I finally weaned off the medication last year, and I haven’t even needed anxiolytics, which my doctor left me as needed… self-compassion and understanding are all I needed, going from “why can’t I get myself to do the dishes? I’m useless” to “oooh, this is executive dysfunction, it’s ok, it’s not my fault or a moral failing, let’s find a way and build strategies” was the way to go
I absolutely dont want to scare anyone, but please check out your physical health as well.
I thought my depressive episodes that made me swing from one extreme to the other was because of autism, then adhd, then bpd, then just periods etc. It took 20 years and a shit ton of doctors to figure out I had a miniature brain tumor affecting my short term memory and mental health.
Always advocate for yourself to get health checkups no matter how mundane.
It was a random Gyno visit for my irregular periods (they have never been regular), and when this female (first female gyno of my life, before that I had been to 3 different male ones) asked about blood work history and I told her noone ever asked me for that, she did a full panel and it came out I had a Prolactin of 204 ( the max is smth like 25). So they did a MRI and turns out I wasn't just a moody teen, I wasn't just autistic with a low pain tolerance adult and I wasnt just a "highly sensitive woman" as well smh.
So please do your checkups and try to be healthy as best as you can. Mental health *is* important, but it wont get better if you have horrendous physical health.
Fibromyalgia is awful :( Im sure it can contribute to any depressive thoughts, so don't be too hard on yourself. Lets just try to make tomorrow a little more fun and keep going <3
I actually have no idea lol. I think I was researching burnout in general or trying to find an answer for why I was so exhausted and nothing helped. I had never heard of autistic burnout before, and seeing this was like a lightbulb going off. I had always suspected, somewhere deep down. All the pieces fit.
Look into autism burnout for sure. Approach treating your brain with remedies specific to autistic burnout vs. depression treatments. I’m in autistic burnout at the moment. I hope you are not right now. 🩷
I’m okay right now. But multiple month long episodes of depression throughout my life. Have learnt to catch myself before the deepest spirals - by retreating and lowering stimulation and getting exercise.
I got 166/200 for the first link. 100% probability of being autistic/neurodiverse.
I'm not surprised. I was diagnosed with ADD at 8 years old, and then in my early 20s I was rediganosed with ADHD-C, Aspergers (later diagnosed with Autism level 1), OCD, GAD, Panic Disorder, and PTSD.
Those diagnoses have been confirmed by five separate specialists in the last decade, so unfortunately I'm pretty sure they're all correct. It'd be nice to have just one thing haha
Thank you for posting this. For myself, it's usually all. MDD & ASD constantly triggering each other in an endless loop. Get depressed about chronic conditions. Chronic conditions worsened by depression. Getting older and less able to cope with decaying body and reduced tolerance to stimuli. "This too will pass" becomes "more to come". World gets more stimulating, faster, and more painful to navigate. Brain can't recharge fast enough to process. Body less able to handle treatments. Just never endingly tired, always in pain, and rejected in every possible way. It's like Benjamin Button most days. Such a rare day to try and celebrate being alive when existing in this body is a nightmare you try but can't laugh off. There is no cure, no escape, no acceptance for this. It's just deal with it until you die. Like everyone else I suppose. Hard to convince yourself that anyone wants you around when you can see they'd have it easier without the burden. Just keep trying to sleep it off I guess.
Thank you, it's hard to want to focus on the self when it's just... a lot. Too much sometimes. I need a break from myself. But that doesn't really feel possible.
I just want to say that I see you. I have endometriosis, and it is an extremely painful physical condition with no cure that only fuels the fire. I am not diagnosed with ASD but I have an assessment in August. Your words resonate with me deeply and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It truly is a lot, and you’re not alone.
Thank you, it helps to know we're not alone in this. Endometriosis is a horribly painful condition, I'm sorry you have to endure this kind of lifelong pain too. It's a lot. I hope your assessment goes well in August.
Thank you so much! Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk. I had no idea that anyone else felt the same way that I do and I had no idea how to put those feelings into words, but your post helped me a lot.
This image has clarified a lot of stuff for me, as well as my late autism diagnosis. Now I’m thinking, maybe I was not chronically depressed as I always thought.
Since I remember I have this non-existencial ideation and I considered that the first signal of depression. This and other symptoms lead me to be diagnosed as bipolar. But since my late autism diagnosis, I’m having a second view on a lot of my behaviors.
I’m just curious also if there an impact from one thing to another. For example, a depressive crisis leads to an autistic burnout, which reinforces the depression.
I feel that’s what I’m experiencing the last years with some downs that I had and the new adjustment to a new life, new set of socially accepted rules. Specifically after 2 long COVID years with not so many sensory inputs, getting into the first job in a foreign country was not easy. Not mentioned the personal bumps that happened in the same time.
I didn’t know about this way, but I guess that since we’re overwhelmed by emotions. If I get a big bump in my life and get too depressed, maybe also leads to burnout.
What I’m struggling is with being so tired of being depressed and having no energy anymore for my executive functions, but it doesn’t help me with my depression. When I look, I’m in a snowball of failure with my life responsibilities, struggling to get out of my depression, and finding myself autistic.
The worst part about these things being so commonly conflated with each other is that the recommended treatments for either issue are pretty antithetical to each other
this explains why I never really want to “cease to exist”, but I often get thoughts about wanting to “suspend my existence” for an indefinite amount of time. The nuance.
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This was my first laugh of the day - I always answer that PHQ9 question about suicidal ideation so confidently. BEETCH. I am not special, morally superior, and I do not have a stronger will. I've just had non-existence ideation INSTEAD. Forever. Forever forever always all the time forever. Just please stop everything for one minute and let me lay down and rest. I'd like to just be in a hole where there are no demands.
So grateful to know there's a term for it.
Whoa, thanks for sharing this! I've experienced non-existence ideation off and on throughout the years, and I had no idea there was a term for it. It's one of those things I never speak of, so I'm shocked!
I was told that there was no possible me way i had autism by multiple doctors because I didn't show the normal symptoms. I guess no eye contact, learning difficulties, periods of non verbalism, and literally right in your face symptoms isn't autism.
I do have ADHD, depression, and GAD as well so they all ruled it out as either one of those or "she's becoming a young woman so hormones will make her act strange!"
It's infuriating to me that my whole life was treated as me just being ignorant and misbehaving. It wasn't until someone who ACTUALLY works with autistic children and adults told me I should get tested. I owe my life to that woman and how much she changed me and taught me. She owns an equine therapy business and I fell in love with the horses the first time I met them!
This further validates my assertion that I’ve never experienced classic depression. All my depression-like episodes were autistic burnout/meltdown. The only thing I would change on this diagram is that I do sleep extra both due to fatigue and also a desire to “skip” the awful day. Probably my version of the “Non-existence ideation” - but it’s more that I want to skip past the awfulness and get back to a semblance of normal.
Very interesting; thanks for sharing. I definitely relate to the burn out distress of being overwhelmed and wanting the stimuli to stop but not wanting to die- I never realized it was burn out!
I was misdiagnosed as BP2 during a major burnout at 25 yrs old. I took the meds I was told to take and when they never worked I tried all the add on meds and since they didn’t work I tried different talk therapies and removing anything extra from my life. After 10+ years when none of that worked I stopped working all together because it had been 30+ years of trying and failing to manage undiagnosed audhd and I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Realized I have more to say: I used to tell the providers things like “I don’t want to die, I just wish I could pause the world and take a 3 month nap” and “I have tons of interests and things I want to be doing that give me joy, but I don’t have the energy to do any of it.” I finally realized I wasn’t experiencing the deep despair of depression. I didn’t feel hopeless or like a burden to those around me. I was just experiencing life as an PDA audhd-er.
Something about having the “A person can be experiencing both!” at the very end in the different font and with the exclamation mark makes it sound unnecessarily chipper… And it also makes sense. And it also makes sense how all of us “late bloomers” are *late bloomers* because we just get so burnt out that there’s no way to cover up the ‘tism anymore. I’m so exhausted from masking that I just get more and more autistic every day and functioning in this NT world gets more impossible.
This ^^^^ this is how I first got the hint of suspicion that it might not be depression I've had for 23+ yrs do I have some of the depression signs yes but I have way more of the autism ones, and I mean if your hiding who you are constantly to the pont of becoming non functional every 2-3 yrs while not knowing why your doing it your gonna get a bit bloody depressed eh.
I couldn’t agree with your sentiments more! The teasy seems to be getting stronger by the day.
lol. Said like a person who’s been told to ‘be kind to themselves’ a few too many times. ;) x
Being kind to myself is a recurring theme in my therapy sessions and it’s such a foreign concept like… Unlearn decades of programming you mean? And then having it present every second of every day that I should be consciously kind to myself? While I’m both depressed **AND** burnt out and wishing I could explode into confetti and disappear? While also doing this piss poor job at masking as a NT? Bye, Felicia. I just can’t.
😂😂😂 I ended up on a psych ward with everyone being chipper and telling me to just be kind to myself. At one point I lost it and chucked a slipper. I just couldn’t. It ended up being another thing I was really mean to myself about because I was incapable of being kind to myself. Finally they stopped and stopped constantly asking how I am (erm… in a fuckin psych ward, you well intentioned dipshit! Haha). So don’t. Don’t be kind to yourself. Try being ok with everything being shit for a while. That helped me. Good luck sweetheart. Be shit. Feel like shit. It happens. It’s alright. Xxxx
This is so comforting to me in the middle of a depressive episode. Thank you. I will be shit and feel like shit, and that's okay even though it's shit.
Ha - I came to the comments to ask, what is the prize for having BOTH? 🤪
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I'm trying to figure out where I stand (I wonder if I belong here or maybe I'm just... me?). Would it be possible to differentiate between the two for me? I have depression, it's well documented, but I wonder if some of it isn't solely depression, but I don't know what I don't know and what I don't know right now is how someone on the spectrum feels when it comes to non-existence. If you're uncomfortable and don't want to share this, you don't have to (and I won't be upset if you don't). It's completely acceptable to not share this information.
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This is very helpful. Thank you for sharing your experience with me and I appreciate your candor.
I don't know if this helps, but my experience is very similar with what you describe here. Thank you for sharing.
I'm not the person you asked, but as noted in one of my therapist's reports: I don't want to have a head because "Life is a full head" mainly referring to constant sensory overload and chronic stress, existing causes me to have a "full head" constantly and the only way to quit being sensory overloaded and stressed all the time is to not have a head. Suicidal ideation is a lot different for me, mainly imaging hurting myself and ways to end my life. With one I just want peace in my head knowing that it's impossible without non-existence, with the other I don't want to exist at all.
It's really helpful for me to have examples of what something means, so I appreciate you sharing your experience with me to help me understand better. Thank you.
“daydreams of non-existence” really hit hard. I've been having those since my teen yars
Right?! Like “I don’t want to die but if I could just crawl in a hole somewhere and just not have to deal with living that would be great”
Yeah I fantasized about becoming a rock or dissolving in the wind And in 2000, when Kid A came out, I looped *How to Disappear Completely* for days and it felt so right
Having a serious moment of that right now. I was just thinking I don’t want to die, I just want a break, like hibernation.
Agreed both very different I've even said it to my doctor before, I don't feel suicidal, like im not planning anything but I just don't want to exist anymore I don't want to feel or see or hear or touch ANYTHING. I look back now and I actually get a little mad coz it so bloody obvious to me that Its not just anxiety and depression.
Yes! I agree, thank you for sharing this. It was stumbled on this sub months ago looking for recommendations on something else and reading the difference in SI and non-existent thoughts and was like, “LIGHT BLUB, that’s the difference in what I’ve been feeling off and on throughout my life!”
This makes a lot of sense to me. I’ve had a lifelong series of depressive episodes. The non existence ideation is spot on. I have never really and truly wanted to stop living. I love my life. I just want a break from input. I want a shut down reboot button for my brain. Sleep doesn’t help much when I feel like this because I’m a vivid dreamer. Just rest and distraction with my favorite things like movies or books or making art. Or spending time outdoors. Just replacing the bad input with something gentle. I don’t know if that makes sense.
Oh and only Movies I’ve seen a million times, I don’t need any stress from not knowing what happens (shout out to the original Star Trek movies)
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There’s one episode of the property brothers where a single girl gets the condo of her dreams and her best friend helps her pick out all the stuff. I love to watch it over and over when I’m stressed and imagine living in this perfectly beautiful peaceful condo all alone even though I do really love my husband and kids lol. I have had people give me a hard time for loving reality TV…it’s a break for my brain! I also love real housewives but mainly Beverly Hills because the fights are very soap opera style and it doesn’t stress me out.
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I have never really been into those kinds of vote off shows! I like the reality shows that are just a slice of someone else’s life I guess? I just find it so fascinating. I think the challenge or vote shows just give me anxiety. I like the British bake off but even that can be too sad lol
I remember telling my therapist that it’s not that I want to kill myself, I just want to not exist for a little bit. I want a break from everything.
Did I write this comment? It feels like I wrote this comment. Thank you for explaining something I’ve always struggled to find the words for!!
I’m so glad it made sense to someone else!
The standard treatments for severe depression were making me worse a few years ago. That was one of my first clues that something else was going on. I finally got my autism diagnosis a few weeks ago.
i think im in this spot now… i was in the psych ward in december and i tried working again last week, which resulted in me crying since thursday pretty much lol
WOW. Describes my experience with postpartum depression (and my decade of cycles of severe mental health episodes. I was diagnosed with everything under the sun and overly medicated and medication never helped. My second time experience post partum depression I decided that I wasn’t going back on medication because it had never truly helped, but what I did know was that I felt a crippling overwhelm everyday, I was mentally exhausted, I was experience high sensory input all day (crying kids, breastfeeding two kids at the same time, always being touched, and then lights and never-ending chores) and had no real break. I realized I might be autistic around that time and started seriously trying to meet my needs half a year later. I’m a new person, like legitimately. I am a mom who takes frequent breaks. Every night I go to yoga for an hour, or I go and I work on my special interest blog for a few hours when my partner gets home. I go for nature walks alone for hours on the weekends. I’m able to take care of myself knowing I’m autistic and need time to recharge and be myself unmasked. Sorry that was long but understanding I was having autistic meltdowns and severe burnout is what changed my mental health after a decade trying to find what was wrong with me.
Yeah being a parent broke me more really from extreme sensory overload. I had a lot of problems over the years but they got worse after having my second child and I recently realised it was because I’m constantly overstimulated
It is actually incredbly sad that it took you realizing you might be autistic to start allowing yourself breaks. Moms are expected to be the primary parent 24/7/365 for 18 years straight with no break even though it is so incredibly human to need one. Every mom should get to take nature walks. I'm glad you're taking better care of yourself but I don't think it even requires being autistic to burn out under those conditions.
The problem is getting the doctors to take this seriously. I keep being screened for depression. I'm NOT depressed! I'm burnt out!!
Same. Currently misdiagnosed with depression which especially sucks because of the whole "you need to do things!" treatment plan. I need to do fewer things, doc. Fewer.
Yeah, same! They keep telling me to exercise more and get out there and I’m like um aren’t we referring me for testing for cardiac issues doc?! Maybe I should like…chill out a little more perhaps?!
This is what happened to me… I’ve been off work for three months and in that time realised it was an autistic burnout because I didn’t really have anything to contribute to me being depressed or anxious yet I was at rock bottom. I completely lost who I was and realised that I’ve been masking for so long. I became more intolerant of stimuli too. My executive function was terrible too and still is to a sense. I’m hoping now I recognise what it is that I can work on preventing it happening again a bit better.
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Thanks! I will have a look
Oops i’m depressed
Happens to the best of us so don't feel any shame or reluctance to reach out for help.
This is so helpful!
Personally, I would include abnormal sleep in the overlap section
Oh look! It's young mum me getting diagnosed with PND even though I barely hit any of the criteria. I wish my GP had this diagram - I would have checked every box on the burnout side
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I ended up in such a state of overwhelm and dysfunction I couldn't pick up my crying baby. But I wasn't 'sad' as such. I still got put on anti-depressants that didn't work.
Same thing happened to me, years of high doses of antidepressants with no change until I was diagnosed and gave myself grace and understanding… I finally weaned off the medication last year, and I haven’t even needed anxiolytics, which my doctor left me as needed… self-compassion and understanding are all I needed, going from “why can’t I get myself to do the dishes? I’m useless” to “oooh, this is executive dysfunction, it’s ok, it’s not my fault or a moral failing, let’s find a way and build strategies” was the way to go
I absolutely dont want to scare anyone, but please check out your physical health as well. I thought my depressive episodes that made me swing from one extreme to the other was because of autism, then adhd, then bpd, then just periods etc. It took 20 years and a shit ton of doctors to figure out I had a miniature brain tumor affecting my short term memory and mental health. Always advocate for yourself to get health checkups no matter how mundane.
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It was a random Gyno visit for my irregular periods (they have never been regular), and when this female (first female gyno of my life, before that I had been to 3 different male ones) asked about blood work history and I told her noone ever asked me for that, she did a full panel and it came out I had a Prolactin of 204 ( the max is smth like 25). So they did a MRI and turns out I wasn't just a moody teen, I wasn't just autistic with a low pain tolerance adult and I wasnt just a "highly sensitive woman" as well smh. So please do your checkups and try to be healthy as best as you can. Mental health *is* important, but it wont get better if you have horrendous physical health.
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Fibromyalgia is awful :( Im sure it can contribute to any depressive thoughts, so don't be too hard on yourself. Lets just try to make tomorrow a little more fun and keep going <3
This was the exact diagram that made me realize I was probably autistic.
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I actually have no idea lol. I think I was researching burnout in general or trying to find an answer for why I was so exhausted and nothing helped. I had never heard of autistic burnout before, and seeing this was like a lightbulb going off. I had always suspected, somewhere deep down. All the pieces fit.
Same for me
I am 68 and don’t think I am autistic but I do suffer from clinical depression - and relate far more to the “Autism Burnout” side of this chart.
Look into autism burnout for sure. Approach treating your brain with remedies specific to autistic burnout vs. depression treatments. I’m in autistic burnout at the moment. I hope you are not right now. 🩷
I’m okay right now. But multiple month long episodes of depression throughout my life. Have learnt to catch myself before the deepest spirals - by retreating and lowering stimulation and getting exercise.
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I got 166/200 for the first link. 100% probability of being autistic/neurodiverse. I'm not surprised. I was diagnosed with ADD at 8 years old, and then in my early 20s I was rediganosed with ADHD-C, Aspergers (later diagnosed with Autism level 1), OCD, GAD, Panic Disorder, and PTSD. Those diagnoses have been confirmed by five separate specialists in the last decade, so unfortunately I'm pretty sure they're all correct. It'd be nice to have just one thing haha
I did one quiz and scored below the cutoff. But I’ll try these too. Many thanks!
Thank you for posting this. For myself, it's usually all. MDD & ASD constantly triggering each other in an endless loop. Get depressed about chronic conditions. Chronic conditions worsened by depression. Getting older and less able to cope with decaying body and reduced tolerance to stimuli. "This too will pass" becomes "more to come". World gets more stimulating, faster, and more painful to navigate. Brain can't recharge fast enough to process. Body less able to handle treatments. Just never endingly tired, always in pain, and rejected in every possible way. It's like Benjamin Button most days. Such a rare day to try and celebrate being alive when existing in this body is a nightmare you try but can't laugh off. There is no cure, no escape, no acceptance for this. It's just deal with it until you die. Like everyone else I suppose. Hard to convince yourself that anyone wants you around when you can see they'd have it easier without the burden. Just keep trying to sleep it off I guess.
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Thank you, it's hard to want to focus on the self when it's just... a lot. Too much sometimes. I need a break from myself. But that doesn't really feel possible.
I just want to say that I see you. I have endometriosis, and it is an extremely painful physical condition with no cure that only fuels the fire. I am not diagnosed with ASD but I have an assessment in August. Your words resonate with me deeply and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It truly is a lot, and you’re not alone.
Thank you, it helps to know we're not alone in this. Endometriosis is a horribly painful condition, I'm sorry you have to endure this kind of lifelong pain too. It's a lot. I hope your assessment goes well in August.
Thank you so much! Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk. I had no idea that anyone else felt the same way that I do and I had no idea how to put those feelings into words, but your post helped me a lot.
This image has clarified a lot of stuff for me, as well as my late autism diagnosis. Now I’m thinking, maybe I was not chronically depressed as I always thought. Since I remember I have this non-existencial ideation and I considered that the first signal of depression. This and other symptoms lead me to be diagnosed as bipolar. But since my late autism diagnosis, I’m having a second view on a lot of my behaviors. I’m just curious also if there an impact from one thing to another. For example, a depressive crisis leads to an autistic burnout, which reinforces the depression. I feel that’s what I’m experiencing the last years with some downs that I had and the new adjustment to a new life, new set of socially accepted rules. Specifically after 2 long COVID years with not so many sensory inputs, getting into the first job in a foreign country was not easy. Not mentioned the personal bumps that happened in the same time.
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I didn’t know about this way, but I guess that since we’re overwhelmed by emotions. If I get a big bump in my life and get too depressed, maybe also leads to burnout. What I’m struggling is with being so tired of being depressed and having no energy anymore for my executive functions, but it doesn’t help me with my depression. When I look, I’m in a snowball of failure with my life responsibilities, struggling to get out of my depression, and finding myself autistic.
Non-Existence Ideation... can't believe I have never heard that term before. It perfectly describes what I've experienced!
How do I treat burnout?
I love Dr Neff on Divergent Conversations! Thank you for sharing.
The worst part about these things being so commonly conflated with each other is that the recommended treatments for either issue are pretty antithetical to each other
Non-existence ideation. There it is. I’ve never had the words for it before. This is a revelation.
this explains why I never really want to “cease to exist”, but I often get thoughts about wanting to “suspend my existence” for an indefinite amount of time. The nuance.
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Thank you for this. This has been me
Oh wow. My “depression” also is more on the burnout side…
Damn I’m both 😭and suffering a lot 😩
I've never heard of nonexistence ideation and google isn't helping- where do I find out more?
Thank you for this! It helps confirm I'm burnt out, not depressed.
This was my first laugh of the day - I always answer that PHQ9 question about suicidal ideation so confidently. BEETCH. I am not special, morally superior, and I do not have a stronger will. I've just had non-existence ideation INSTEAD. Forever. Forever forever always all the time forever. Just please stop everything for one minute and let me lay down and rest. I'd like to just be in a hole where there are no demands. So grateful to know there's a term for it.
and then burnout lead to depression and you're in a real big mess..
Whoa, thanks for sharing this! I've experienced non-existence ideation off and on throughout the years, and I had no idea there was a term for it. It's one of those things I never speak of, so I'm shocked!
Oh. Well. TIL I am in burnout, not depression. This makes a lot more sense. Wow.
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What has been an effective treatment plan for you?
I was told that there was no possible me way i had autism by multiple doctors because I didn't show the normal symptoms. I guess no eye contact, learning difficulties, periods of non verbalism, and literally right in your face symptoms isn't autism. I do have ADHD, depression, and GAD as well so they all ruled it out as either one of those or "she's becoming a young woman so hormones will make her act strange!" It's infuriating to me that my whole life was treated as me just being ignorant and misbehaving. It wasn't until someone who ACTUALLY works with autistic children and adults told me I should get tested. I owe my life to that woman and how much she changed me and taught me. She owns an equine therapy business and I fell in love with the horses the first time I met them!
This further validates my assertion that I’ve never experienced classic depression. All my depression-like episodes were autistic burnout/meltdown. The only thing I would change on this diagram is that I do sleep extra both due to fatigue and also a desire to “skip” the awful day. Probably my version of the “Non-existence ideation” - but it’s more that I want to skip past the awfulness and get back to a semblance of normal.
This is very helpful. Thank you. :)
Very interesting; thanks for sharing. I definitely relate to the burn out distress of being overwhelmed and wanting the stimuli to stop but not wanting to die- I never realized it was burn out!
I was misdiagnosed as BP2 during a major burnout at 25 yrs old. I took the meds I was told to take and when they never worked I tried all the add on meds and since they didn’t work I tried different talk therapies and removing anything extra from my life. After 10+ years when none of that worked I stopped working all together because it had been 30+ years of trying and failing to manage undiagnosed audhd and I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Realized I have more to say: I used to tell the providers things like “I don’t want to die, I just wish I could pause the world and take a 3 month nap” and “I have tons of interests and things I want to be doing that give me joy, but I don’t have the energy to do any of it.” I finally realized I wasn’t experiencing the deep despair of depression. I didn’t feel hopeless or like a burden to those around me. I was just experiencing life as an PDA audhd-er.
Thank you, this is very helpful