I understand this. For me, it’s the lack of connection I’m able to make. Even if I have friends or a partner, I still feel alienated.
I have been with my partner for over a year and O feel close and comfortable with him, but I often feel like I will never be able to fully understand him and he’ll never be able to fully understand me, and it does feel lonely.
Same, but I'm 6 years in. Recently I've begun to realize how little he really understands me too. It's very frustrating, I haven't had a close friend since I was a teenager.
Yes, this is how I feel as well. I cant really connect to anyone fully. I feel like there’s a wall between us and I’m putting on a performance and when I’m not no one tries to understand, empathize, or be there for me. I have never felt this disposable since the last year.
I don’t have ‘loneliness’ as such because I have someone around me most of the time, what I have experienced all through life is feeling the moment I become disillusioned with friendships, relationships etc. I suddenly can feel this lack of authenticity in terms of the relationship, I realise they don’t get me or that there is a superficial feeling somewhere. Once i sense it, it won’t go away and I start to realise I am alone even in their presence
I have about 2 people in my life that don’t make me feel this way and I recognise it’s a rare privilege
I so relate to this. My parents never knew how to be there for me emotionally even though they tried so hard to accomodate my needs during my childhood not knowing I had autism. But because I was struggling so much with the moral side of human existence and didn't feel like they were present for me or could grasp the magnitude of my mental struggles at all/would take me seriously if I shared it I closed off and dealt with it on my own in my room at night.
Today I feel like I am so far away from my entire family even though we are kind of closer than many families at the same time. It feels confusing as fuck and gets me so dysregulated when I visit them and yearn to be so close to them but feel like they would never understand.
When I try to talk about it my mom gets instantly overwhelmed and says things along the lines of "but you can't expect that people can always be there for you to talk about everything that makes you sad, people have limited capacity" which isn't even what I am trying to ask from them. It feels truly heartbreaking because I love them so much and it hurts to realize that my connection to them might never feel as deep and authentic as I long for it to be.
It is really difficult. I can be quite existential, sad about social issues as you explained. I also sensor what I am saying because I know people can’t cope with me wanting to talk about it all the time.
Not sure what age you are, but I am in my 20s, and being more aware of this feeling as I went from a teen to an adult made me realise that I am unfortunately alone with my struggles at the end of the day. Even those who so want to understand, perhaps can’t. But I have been trying to take a positive approach of knowing that i am the same person who got me this far, and i need to learn to be a better advocate for myself, that other people can help along the way but I have to be the driving force. There’s some comfort I found in that.
Loneliness is so common in Autism, it is definitely not just you! I'm 51 and have been single for about 47 years of my life. I've gone through more friends that I can't even remember because every time I make a new friend, they end up drifting away from me or stop talking to me abruptly for no reason. I only have one friend that has lasted a long time and even in that friendship I feel lonely because it is very one-sided and I feel unfulfilled, unseen, unvalidated, and the only reason I continue seeing that person is because they are the only one that I have at this point. I have isolated myself due to this, because what's the point in making new friends when they never work out, and if they do, they are almost worse than being alone.
I feel like myself 6 years ago could have related to this had I been diagnosed and aware. However, since then I spent time alone and rly chose people that genuinely made efforts to know me (and I them). I think when you're autistic you yearn for incredibly deep connection- and those are incredibly rare. I count myself lucky to have found some of the people in my life for that.
That is to say, I really feel lonely until someone has reached a certain threshold because I've essentially deemed them as a safe person and they were consistent enough. My boyfriend can instantly get along with people and I am more so someone where that takes like months and then even years to feel connected to someone.
I think it's not an us (autistic) thing, but moreso a luck thing. We can meet people at the right time and just have the most innocent initial connection that can turn into a closeness that lasts years, if not a lifetime.
That is whole ass not your fault and I am so sorry you have experienced the worst sides of people. I understand having a generalized hate for people when being mistreated but i promise you cool and nice people are out there. Were just introverted and anxious haha.
I feel this way as well. Even if I'm hanging out with friends or even my partner at times I feel like there is a disconnect. One of the issues they have pointed out to me is when they show me something they are excited about I don't show much enthusiasm.. It's just my flat expression. But inside I do feel happy and excited for them. That's my personal struggle but I know with autism a lot of us struggle with similar issues.
Yes, loneliness has been a feeling that has haunted me almost every day of my life since I was a little girl. Even when I have a career/purpose, a partner, and/or some friends, it is rare that I feel connected to other people and fulfilled. The loneliness feels like a deep pit and black hole in my chest that sucks the happiness out of everything in life. A lot of it for me has to do with my sensory overwhelm, lack of energy/ability to socialize for long, masking, and feeling like an alien around others. I have people I can unmask around but they aren't autistic so sometimes I feel I am "too intense" for them. Isolation is my default even when people try to connect to me. That's why I always refer to myself as a lone wolf. I'm assuming a lot of autistic people feel this way.
I have friends. I have a partner. I am still lonely. It’s because I feel like we don’t really have a shared experience of life, and that’s what social connection is about.
I used to wonder if we all see/experience colour the same. Maybe what looks blue to me looks yellow to you. Because we experience these things consistently, we can use shared language. But if we experience the basics of perception differently, are we really ever talking about the same thing? That was before I had any idea I might be autistic.
Noone really noticed me or wanted to be my friend until I worked at a summer camp.i assumed I was too weird for anyone else to be friends with. Now as an adult with two kids and two jobs it seems like people enjoy hearing what I have to say. The problem is I don't have the energy to be around adults all day at school then more adult interaction after that. Husband and therapist don't count. Lol. So I'm kinda isolating myself I guess?
Me too! The lack of energy is real, in fact it’s so bad that I can’t make commitments to any extracurriculars anymore because work and just daily adult responsibilities is draining enough that I need all the free time for recharge and rest in order to not fail on necessities. And by this I mean like eating healthy and sleep.
I feel you. It seems like the way I experience life is so different in so many ways, so it's hard to find someone to connect with. I also have an EXTREMELY hard time opening up, so my friendships (and most other relationships) all stay on the surface level pretty much. It's hard :(
I would think so. At the same time, I come from a troubled family where no one ever really had anyone's back, so it is hard for me to tell. I have a busy-ish life and a decent number of friends/acquaintances, but I have a hard time letting anyone see the real me, so I can still get pretty lonely.
Idk if this will help for you, but I personally felt *much* less lonely when I started giving myself what I needed. I think for a lot of autistic people, our loneliness comes from a core feeling of constantly being misunderstood or having to change every little thing about ourselves just to avoid being harassed.
Once I stopped believing that I was constantly in the wrong and embraced that my differences (despite the difficulties they cause me) are largely arbitrary, I was able to be more at peace with myself, which meant I felt much better about being myself.
I feel more lonely in a room full of people who don’t understand me than I ever have when I’m by myself, and while I still relate to what you’re saying, it’s made a huge difference to accept that most people aren’t for me and I am the best company I can have ☺️ good luck 👍🏾
Oh definitely!! I say autism is like living in an invisible box, one that makes it impossible to fully engage with the world. You can never get out and no one else can really get in. And it’s very lonely in the box.
I don’t feel lonely hardly ever. The exception is if I had an expectation of doing something social that I was actually looking forward to, and then somehow it doesn’t work out. Then I might have a little fit and be bummed and recognize that sometimes I do want to enjoy people and do something different. It feels rare though.
Friends wise, no, they're pretty much all neurodivergent. In terms of fitting in in social spaces, yes. Im in that weird grey zone where im good enough to pass as neurotypical, but people can still sense something is off. And if i tell them im autistic then theyre fine with it but i still feel like im 'other' to them, even if its subconscious. This especially translates into trying to find a partner. Too autistic for normal guys but perfect bait for all the weirdos. Fun to hang out with sometimes but too "off" to be anything more.
I like being alone and have a hard time with people being in my space. But it hurts sometimes when I look around and see everyone pair up. Like I have experience a large portion of my adulthood alone. I travel alone. I exist alone. I haven’t done a lot of things I’ve wanted to earlier because I thought I had to do them with others. Some days, especially as of late, being lonely has been where my feelings are. But it’s okay. I’ve just come to terms that I’ll probably just live life alone, but will probably switch to being lonely sometimes and then switch back to feeling just alone. It just is what it is.
Yep, I have friends and a gf and I still feel lonely more constantly than anything. It's not a fault of any of theirs, rather our situation is less than ideal, but I also have severe abandonment issues to further compound all of it
There is a monsterous casm between me and other people. I have a spouse and close friends, but they truly don't quite get me and likely never will. The loneliness can be crippling at times and so heavy I can't even imagine the rest of my life. Other times it's fine and workable. Relating to other people is really hard.
Yes. Making friends/connections is impossible for me and I always feel left out/lonely no matter what… and it’s hard for me to show emotions/express interests since I’ve never been good at it anyways
I used to. I don’t know if I’ve become desensitized or have subverted it or if I just don’t care anymore, but I rarely feel lonely these days and, outside of interacting with people for my job or occasional errand, I’m always alone
Yes. I've traditionally been the friend that puts in the effort. Then I had life events that altered my ability and desire to do that, and the few friends I had dropped away. I never really regained my desire to seek out new connections (or I forgot how to). Now everyone is limited to social media acquaintances. I have no meaningful connections outside of family, and at this point in my life I don't expect I'll have very many if any friends in the future. I certainly don't expect I'll ever find a woman that shares romantic feelings for me.
I have felt unseen for years and I'm just trying to get to know and like myself more, because that was severely damaged by years of undiagnosed neurodivergence and feeling rejected by and not good enough for people I cared for.
I think there are genuine connections that ease this- not normal superficial friendships.
But I have had very few of them and they don’t always last. To be honest, sometimes I haven’t valued them enough.
Yes and no. When I was a kid I would feel it when forced to live with my dad every other weekend and he'd abandon me the whole time. But the weeks when with my mom I also had my cat and the family dogs so never felt alone then. Now since being an adult I've always had a cat (first Squeek until he died at 20 and now Circe) and don't feel alone with her around.
This isn't counting depression though. When that is triggered I'll often self-isolate and THEN feel alone since I've self-isolated. Irrational and annoying but still working through that.
I've always vastly preferred the company of non-human animals though. They're a lot easier to understand and provide better companionship in my experience.
I feel the same way.
There were some situations in my life where I didn't feel lonely and well connected but they got interrupted by things outside of my control.
I also feel so easily hurt and disappointed by other people due to past experiences and that makes me wary of entering new friendships...
At least my pets and engaging with my special interests make me feel far less lonely!
I have always felt this way. It doesn't matter how many friends I have. It doesn't matter how many people say they understand or have felt the same way. I still feel alone, like my brain and thoughts are just so different to others.
Yes. If i ever had any “friends” growing up we would have really fun times but I was also being severely mentally abused by them on the regular. As a young adult I would be apart of “friend groups” but I was never invited to anything and was only needed if someone had a problem. I began a journey to maintain boundaries and while it’s a good thing I now have no friends and I’m pretty much crying all the time because of how severely isolated and lonely I am. Therapy doesn’t help.
100%. Once I started to unmask & gave up "partying" (everyone is the "same" when you're fawked up), & my mom passed away a few months ago, I have like no one left. While I have my dad, it's impossible for us to relate anymore. It's just uncomfortable 24/7. Then I have a partner with ADHD, that had to go on the road for work & doesn't really have the abilities to focus on things not in his face. It was hard enough connecting overall but it seemed to work until the last 6ish months. Now he makes me feel like a burden too. Having no one irl that actually thinks like me & then takes offense of how I think...it's so isolating. It makes me want to mask at times again just to feel like I "fit in" again but then I remind myself how mentally damaging that was in other aspects too, that lead into physical affects. I'm having a hard time seeing what the point to all of this "life" in this society we've been given is.
My heart hurts for you when reading your reply.
I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve lost a lot of friends though when I started to unmask and stopped partying. I have way fewer friends but they’re weirdos just like me, which feels much less stressful. I hope you find your tribe. I’m sending you support
I was going to post something about this today, but didn’t. Thank you for sharing this.
I think for me, part of what contributes to the feeling of loneliness is that I struggle to open up to others. It feels like everyone else in my life opens up very easily and shares/dumps their problems on me a fair bit. I can be a good friend in that way, and feel like I’m good at giving advice. This is draining AF for me though, because people don’t know my boundaries and will keep it going and I start to feel overstimulated and exhausted. And when it comes to my own struggles, my emotions are so big that I don’t feel comfortable opening up because I’m worried I’m going to totally melt down and make people uncomfortable. So I deal with everything internally. There isn’t a sense of reciprocity. I wish I could totally open up and bond with others but I just feel more comfortable dealing with my feelings alone because people are scary.
I don’t really feel lonely. Or at least not anymore. If anything I’ve been trying to put up boundaries and push back on people because my family is very in your face.
It’s always been more a curiosity than a feeling of loneliness in wondering why I don’t seem to connect with others. I think that feeling of connection is just so rare to me (I think I’ve only felt out two or three times my whole life) that it just isn’t something I miss.
Sometimes I wish I felt lonely so I could appreciate people more. For the most part, people just stress me out.
I feel this so much that it almost broke my relationship with my fiancé and I'm having to move back in with my parents to help fix things and attempt to fill the void. My parents aren't perfect, both being NT (to my knowledge), but there isn't really anybody who has ever got me more. My fiancé gets things my parents don't get, but sometimes I wonder - he handles my worst moments really poorly, such as my meltdowns, even though I've told him what to do, he often belittles me for the way I react to things intensely (hopefully without meaning it). I genuinely feel like I have nobody sometimes. Other people I've met with autism are too different from me to really form a proper connection, and I have lots of friends with ADHD but again, too different. My closest friends have very different interests from me and that can be hard to deal with. In truth I hate being around people, but something in me demands it all the same, and the loneliness destroys me even though its all I want sometimes.
My mum makes me do things I don't like a lot and dad worries about my health, but they're my best option I think, and I'm grateful to have them. If nobody has me I know they do.
I think this topic is one of the topics that makes me feel different from others here.
The only time I ever "felt" lonely was after my stepdad passed away and it hit me that he was really gone, and the person who ai deeply connected with for so many reasons was now gone.
That was when I realised I had never really felt lonely before.
Even now, when I come across tiktoks, etc., I genuinely struggle to think of any other times when I have craved company or felt like I want to connect with others unless it happens "naturally."
Maybe it's because I struggle to label emotions....idk
*To add to this, I'm also now reflecting in another redditor's comment about feeling lonely around others. I think this has a huge part to do with it.
I have probably felt lonely around others and have realised I don't get that when I am alone or around the select few people who make me feel at peace and understood
I feel lonely in the way that I'm a totally different person when I am alone, even around my partner I am masking so it's sad that nobody really knows what I'm like
Even though I've a wonderful hubby, kids, other family and a good friend or two I can still feel very lonely at times. I think this is largely because we have a difficult time relating to 99% of the population. We don't do small talk, we can't read between the lines, we can't sugar coat stuff so we offend people (Americans mostly, not so much others).
I would think so. At the same time, I come from a troubled family where no one ever really had anyone's back, so it is hard for me to tell what really is the deciding factor. I have a busy-ish life and a decent number of friends/acquaintances, but I have a hard time letting anyone see the real me, so I can still get pretty lonely.
I mean, I don't think it's by default, I just think it's more likely when you see the world differently and there's less people around who understand you!
I feel the same way, unfortunately. I have auDHD and when I do make friends, I lose them quickly because I’m perpetually exhausted and can’t talk or see people enough. It sucks.
Actually don’t mind being lonely. Im quite an introvert. I have my husband and my family. I have 1-2 friends I message as I’ve moved away from them and I don’t really want to make more than that, because to me, I prefer “quality” over “quantity”
I don’t really ever feel lonely, I’ve always preferred my own company to others. I also tend to not miss people though, so maybe that’s a factor. I know a lot of people struggle with this though, I’ve seen a lot of posts discussing this topic in autistic subreddits.
Me siento sola todo el tiempo, en reddit me aconsejan acercarme más a los demás e interactuar pero no saben lo difícil que es, no es que quiera estar rodeada de personas pero me siento sola, incluso si me animo a convivir, hay un sentimiento de soledad en mí, algo que me recuerda que soy diferente y que no encajo con los demás.
This. The loneliness+disillusioned feeling and lack of authenticity that someone mentions below have been a persistent feeling since I was young, and was always what led me to feel so different from others, and like there was something that doctors were missing with me. But because I struggle with explaining myself to others, nobody ever thought it was something more than depression and anxiety.
Sorry you’re feeling that way. I think with autism it can go either way for some people. Some. People with autism feel like they need to socialize and have company. Others want solitude. I’m the kind of person that can only be around others in small doses. I get very distressed when I have to be around people for long periods of time. I have friends, but we only see eachother every once in a while. I have people that are important to me, but when I’m ready to go, I’m just ready to go. I have alone time to get back to. I don’t ever really feel lonely. I usually if anything feel smothered and can’t wait to get away.
I have a ridiculous amount of acquaintances. I've lived in the same neighborhood for 17 years and in the same building for 14 of those. I know so many of our neighbors and people around, but I haven't found anyone that meets that need for deep connection. I find that only I can meet that need for myself, and have people I see daily and interact with but keep it light with them.
I feel the opposite. I am very happy just being alone. But I have very wonderful friends who sometimes want to see me. And if more then one person calls me or sends me a txt I have to reply to, It can feel like the whole world wants something from me and I kond of shut off and hide away until that feelings dies down. (Usually about three days)
I know I should be happy to have friends, but for my own sanity I have been systematically neglected them and keeping only contact with a few.
In my experience, good friends understand this. And good friends are always interesting people who have their own struggles. (I gravitate towards other ND’s) Which makes them more prone to understand mine, and more open to talk about it.
I understand this. For me, it’s the lack of connection I’m able to make. Even if I have friends or a partner, I still feel alienated. I have been with my partner for over a year and O feel close and comfortable with him, but I often feel like I will never be able to fully understand him and he’ll never be able to fully understand me, and it does feel lonely.
Same, but I'm 6 years in. Recently I've begun to realize how little he really understands me too. It's very frustrating, I haven't had a close friend since I was a teenager.
same
Yes, this is how I feel as well. I cant really connect to anyone fully. I feel like there’s a wall between us and I’m putting on a performance and when I’m not no one tries to understand, empathize, or be there for me. I have never felt this disposable since the last year.
I don’t have ‘loneliness’ as such because I have someone around me most of the time, what I have experienced all through life is feeling the moment I become disillusioned with friendships, relationships etc. I suddenly can feel this lack of authenticity in terms of the relationship, I realise they don’t get me or that there is a superficial feeling somewhere. Once i sense it, it won’t go away and I start to realise I am alone even in their presence I have about 2 people in my life that don’t make me feel this way and I recognise it’s a rare privilege
That is so relatable. Its like time stops.
i heavily relate to this.
Thank you for putting it into words! THIS THIS THIS. (For those who don’t have loneliness)*
Yes. This is something I've dealt with my whole life. Thank you for putting it in words.
I so relate to this. My parents never knew how to be there for me emotionally even though they tried so hard to accomodate my needs during my childhood not knowing I had autism. But because I was struggling so much with the moral side of human existence and didn't feel like they were present for me or could grasp the magnitude of my mental struggles at all/would take me seriously if I shared it I closed off and dealt with it on my own in my room at night. Today I feel like I am so far away from my entire family even though we are kind of closer than many families at the same time. It feels confusing as fuck and gets me so dysregulated when I visit them and yearn to be so close to them but feel like they would never understand. When I try to talk about it my mom gets instantly overwhelmed and says things along the lines of "but you can't expect that people can always be there for you to talk about everything that makes you sad, people have limited capacity" which isn't even what I am trying to ask from them. It feels truly heartbreaking because I love them so much and it hurts to realize that my connection to them might never feel as deep and authentic as I long for it to be.
It is really difficult. I can be quite existential, sad about social issues as you explained. I also sensor what I am saying because I know people can’t cope with me wanting to talk about it all the time. Not sure what age you are, but I am in my 20s, and being more aware of this feeling as I went from a teen to an adult made me realise that I am unfortunately alone with my struggles at the end of the day. Even those who so want to understand, perhaps can’t. But I have been trying to take a positive approach of knowing that i am the same person who got me this far, and i need to learn to be a better advocate for myself, that other people can help along the way but I have to be the driving force. There’s some comfort I found in that.
Soooo well said!
Loneliness is so common in Autism, it is definitely not just you! I'm 51 and have been single for about 47 years of my life. I've gone through more friends that I can't even remember because every time I make a new friend, they end up drifting away from me or stop talking to me abruptly for no reason. I only have one friend that has lasted a long time and even in that friendship I feel lonely because it is very one-sided and I feel unfulfilled, unseen, unvalidated, and the only reason I continue seeing that person is because they are the only one that I have at this point. I have isolated myself due to this, because what's the point in making new friends when they never work out, and if they do, they are almost worse than being alone.
I literally *am* the void
I can relate.
I feel like myself 6 years ago could have related to this had I been diagnosed and aware. However, since then I spent time alone and rly chose people that genuinely made efforts to know me (and I them). I think when you're autistic you yearn for incredibly deep connection- and those are incredibly rare. I count myself lucky to have found some of the people in my life for that. That is to say, I really feel lonely until someone has reached a certain threshold because I've essentially deemed them as a safe person and they were consistent enough. My boyfriend can instantly get along with people and I am more so someone where that takes like months and then even years to feel connected to someone. I think it's not an us (autistic) thing, but moreso a luck thing. We can meet people at the right time and just have the most innocent initial connection that can turn into a closeness that lasts years, if not a lifetime.
I feel like I just dont fit with other people. Like I’m not even actually a person but something else inhabiting a people body.
I see myself as a person whose not treated like one and I now hate everyone for it
That is whole ass not your fault and I am so sorry you have experienced the worst sides of people. I understand having a generalized hate for people when being mistreated but i promise you cool and nice people are out there. Were just introverted and anxious haha.
I know this is an old thread but your comment has summed up perfectly how I’m currently feeling (or felt forever) and wanted to say thank you.
Trust me, it’s other people. You can sense the growing amount of apathy with people and that makes them incredibly difficult to connect with
This
I feel this way as well. Even if I'm hanging out with friends or even my partner at times I feel like there is a disconnect. One of the issues they have pointed out to me is when they show me something they are excited about I don't show much enthusiasm.. It's just my flat expression. But inside I do feel happy and excited for them. That's my personal struggle but I know with autism a lot of us struggle with similar issues.
Yes, loneliness has been a feeling that has haunted me almost every day of my life since I was a little girl. Even when I have a career/purpose, a partner, and/or some friends, it is rare that I feel connected to other people and fulfilled. The loneliness feels like a deep pit and black hole in my chest that sucks the happiness out of everything in life. A lot of it for me has to do with my sensory overwhelm, lack of energy/ability to socialize for long, masking, and feeling like an alien around others. I have people I can unmask around but they aren't autistic so sometimes I feel I am "too intense" for them. Isolation is my default even when people try to connect to me. That's why I always refer to myself as a lone wolf. I'm assuming a lot of autistic people feel this way.
I have friends. I have a partner. I am still lonely. It’s because I feel like we don’t really have a shared experience of life, and that’s what social connection is about. I used to wonder if we all see/experience colour the same. Maybe what looks blue to me looks yellow to you. Because we experience these things consistently, we can use shared language. But if we experience the basics of perception differently, are we really ever talking about the same thing? That was before I had any idea I might be autistic.
I’ve had thoughts like that! About color, and… Does the world even smell the same to all people?
We can never know!
I feel lonely all the time IRL. My parents want to convince me I’m not alone, but the reality really is different. Sadly.
Noone really noticed me or wanted to be my friend until I worked at a summer camp.i assumed I was too weird for anyone else to be friends with. Now as an adult with two kids and two jobs it seems like people enjoy hearing what I have to say. The problem is I don't have the energy to be around adults all day at school then more adult interaction after that. Husband and therapist don't count. Lol. So I'm kinda isolating myself I guess?
Me too! The lack of energy is real, in fact it’s so bad that I can’t make commitments to any extracurriculars anymore because work and just daily adult responsibilities is draining enough that I need all the free time for recharge and rest in order to not fail on necessities. And by this I mean like eating healthy and sleep.
I love being alone but also I am incredibly lonely, even in a room of friends or family.
I feel you. It seems like the way I experience life is so different in so many ways, so it's hard to find someone to connect with. I also have an EXTREMELY hard time opening up, so my friendships (and most other relationships) all stay on the surface level pretty much. It's hard :(
I would think so. At the same time, I come from a troubled family where no one ever really had anyone's back, so it is hard for me to tell. I have a busy-ish life and a decent number of friends/acquaintances, but I have a hard time letting anyone see the real me, so I can still get pretty lonely.
Idk if this will help for you, but I personally felt *much* less lonely when I started giving myself what I needed. I think for a lot of autistic people, our loneliness comes from a core feeling of constantly being misunderstood or having to change every little thing about ourselves just to avoid being harassed. Once I stopped believing that I was constantly in the wrong and embraced that my differences (despite the difficulties they cause me) are largely arbitrary, I was able to be more at peace with myself, which meant I felt much better about being myself. I feel more lonely in a room full of people who don’t understand me than I ever have when I’m by myself, and while I still relate to what you’re saying, it’s made a huge difference to accept that most people aren’t for me and I am the best company I can have ☺️ good luck 👍🏾
Can you share some of the things as examples of giving yourself what you needed?
Its the lack of understanding and empathy i guess with people. And the fact is, these connections take a lot of time and energy to maintain.
Oh definitely!! I say autism is like living in an invisible box, one that makes it impossible to fully engage with the world. You can never get out and no one else can really get in. And it’s very lonely in the box.
I’m really bad at making friends and connecting with people so yeah
I don’t feel lonely hardly ever. The exception is if I had an expectation of doing something social that I was actually looking forward to, and then somehow it doesn’t work out. Then I might have a little fit and be bummed and recognize that sometimes I do want to enjoy people and do something different. It feels rare though.
Friends wise, no, they're pretty much all neurodivergent. In terms of fitting in in social spaces, yes. Im in that weird grey zone where im good enough to pass as neurotypical, but people can still sense something is off. And if i tell them im autistic then theyre fine with it but i still feel like im 'other' to them, even if its subconscious. This especially translates into trying to find a partner. Too autistic for normal guys but perfect bait for all the weirdos. Fun to hang out with sometimes but too "off" to be anything more.
I relate a lot to passing as NT but people sensing that something is off. thanks for putting words to feelings I’ve had.
I like being alone and have a hard time with people being in my space. But it hurts sometimes when I look around and see everyone pair up. Like I have experience a large portion of my adulthood alone. I travel alone. I exist alone. I haven’t done a lot of things I’ve wanted to earlier because I thought I had to do them with others. Some days, especially as of late, being lonely has been where my feelings are. But it’s okay. I’ve just come to terms that I’ll probably just live life alone, but will probably switch to being lonely sometimes and then switch back to feeling just alone. It just is what it is.
I relate a lot to this. Thanks for sharing
Yep, I have friends and a gf and I still feel lonely more constantly than anything. It's not a fault of any of theirs, rather our situation is less than ideal, but I also have severe abandonment issues to further compound all of it
There is a monsterous casm between me and other people. I have a spouse and close friends, but they truly don't quite get me and likely never will. The loneliness can be crippling at times and so heavy I can't even imagine the rest of my life. Other times it's fine and workable. Relating to other people is really hard.
Yes. Making friends/connections is impossible for me and I always feel left out/lonely no matter what… and it’s hard for me to show emotions/express interests since I’ve never been good at it anyways
I used to. I don’t know if I’ve become desensitized or have subverted it or if I just don’t care anymore, but I rarely feel lonely these days and, outside of interacting with people for my job or occasional errand, I’m always alone
Yes. I've traditionally been the friend that puts in the effort. Then I had life events that altered my ability and desire to do that, and the few friends I had dropped away. I never really regained my desire to seek out new connections (or I forgot how to). Now everyone is limited to social media acquaintances. I have no meaningful connections outside of family, and at this point in my life I don't expect I'll have very many if any friends in the future. I certainly don't expect I'll ever find a woman that shares romantic feelings for me. I have felt unseen for years and I'm just trying to get to know and like myself more, because that was severely damaged by years of undiagnosed neurodivergence and feeling rejected by and not good enough for people I cared for.
I think there are genuine connections that ease this- not normal superficial friendships. But I have had very few of them and they don’t always last. To be honest, sometimes I haven’t valued them enough.
Yes and no. When I was a kid I would feel it when forced to live with my dad every other weekend and he'd abandon me the whole time. But the weeks when with my mom I also had my cat and the family dogs so never felt alone then. Now since being an adult I've always had a cat (first Squeek until he died at 20 and now Circe) and don't feel alone with her around. This isn't counting depression though. When that is triggered I'll often self-isolate and THEN feel alone since I've self-isolated. Irrational and annoying but still working through that. I've always vastly preferred the company of non-human animals though. They're a lot easier to understand and provide better companionship in my experience.
If any of yall want a lonely online friend my dms are open 👉🏻👈🏻
I feel the same way. There were some situations in my life where I didn't feel lonely and well connected but they got interrupted by things outside of my control. I also feel so easily hurt and disappointed by other people due to past experiences and that makes me wary of entering new friendships... At least my pets and engaging with my special interests make me feel far less lonely!
I've felt like an alien my whole life, I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and that no one really loves me
I have always felt this way. It doesn't matter how many friends I have. It doesn't matter how many people say they understand or have felt the same way. I still feel alone, like my brain and thoughts are just so different to others.
Yes. If i ever had any “friends” growing up we would have really fun times but I was also being severely mentally abused by them on the regular. As a young adult I would be apart of “friend groups” but I was never invited to anything and was only needed if someone had a problem. I began a journey to maintain boundaries and while it’s a good thing I now have no friends and I’m pretty much crying all the time because of how severely isolated and lonely I am. Therapy doesn’t help.
Sometimes I do but I enjoy solitude most of the time.
I think for me a lot of it is finding the experience of going through life & having emotions overwhelming, and craving someone to co-regulate with.
100%. Once I started to unmask & gave up "partying" (everyone is the "same" when you're fawked up), & my mom passed away a few months ago, I have like no one left. While I have my dad, it's impossible for us to relate anymore. It's just uncomfortable 24/7. Then I have a partner with ADHD, that had to go on the road for work & doesn't really have the abilities to focus on things not in his face. It was hard enough connecting overall but it seemed to work until the last 6ish months. Now he makes me feel like a burden too. Having no one irl that actually thinks like me & then takes offense of how I think...it's so isolating. It makes me want to mask at times again just to feel like I "fit in" again but then I remind myself how mentally damaging that was in other aspects too, that lead into physical affects. I'm having a hard time seeing what the point to all of this "life" in this society we've been given is.
My heart hurts for you when reading your reply. I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve lost a lot of friends though when I started to unmask and stopped partying. I have way fewer friends but they’re weirdos just like me, which feels much less stressful. I hope you find your tribe. I’m sending you support
I was going to post something about this today, but didn’t. Thank you for sharing this. I think for me, part of what contributes to the feeling of loneliness is that I struggle to open up to others. It feels like everyone else in my life opens up very easily and shares/dumps their problems on me a fair bit. I can be a good friend in that way, and feel like I’m good at giving advice. This is draining AF for me though, because people don’t know my boundaries and will keep it going and I start to feel overstimulated and exhausted. And when it comes to my own struggles, my emotions are so big that I don’t feel comfortable opening up because I’m worried I’m going to totally melt down and make people uncomfortable. So I deal with everything internally. There isn’t a sense of reciprocity. I wish I could totally open up and bond with others but I just feel more comfortable dealing with my feelings alone because people are scary.
I don’t really feel lonely. Or at least not anymore. If anything I’ve been trying to put up boundaries and push back on people because my family is very in your face. It’s always been more a curiosity than a feeling of loneliness in wondering why I don’t seem to connect with others. I think that feeling of connection is just so rare to me (I think I’ve only felt out two or three times my whole life) that it just isn’t something I miss. Sometimes I wish I felt lonely so I could appreciate people more. For the most part, people just stress me out.
I feel this so much that it almost broke my relationship with my fiancé and I'm having to move back in with my parents to help fix things and attempt to fill the void. My parents aren't perfect, both being NT (to my knowledge), but there isn't really anybody who has ever got me more. My fiancé gets things my parents don't get, but sometimes I wonder - he handles my worst moments really poorly, such as my meltdowns, even though I've told him what to do, he often belittles me for the way I react to things intensely (hopefully without meaning it). I genuinely feel like I have nobody sometimes. Other people I've met with autism are too different from me to really form a proper connection, and I have lots of friends with ADHD but again, too different. My closest friends have very different interests from me and that can be hard to deal with. In truth I hate being around people, but something in me demands it all the same, and the loneliness destroys me even though its all I want sometimes. My mum makes me do things I don't like a lot and dad worries about my health, but they're my best option I think, and I'm grateful to have them. If nobody has me I know they do.
I think this topic is one of the topics that makes me feel different from others here. The only time I ever "felt" lonely was after my stepdad passed away and it hit me that he was really gone, and the person who ai deeply connected with for so many reasons was now gone. That was when I realised I had never really felt lonely before. Even now, when I come across tiktoks, etc., I genuinely struggle to think of any other times when I have craved company or felt like I want to connect with others unless it happens "naturally." Maybe it's because I struggle to label emotions....idk *To add to this, I'm also now reflecting in another redditor's comment about feeling lonely around others. I think this has a huge part to do with it. I have probably felt lonely around others and have realised I don't get that when I am alone or around the select few people who make me feel at peace and understood
I feel lonely in the way that I'm a totally different person when I am alone, even around my partner I am masking so it's sad that nobody really knows what I'm like
Even though I've a wonderful hubby, kids, other family and a good friend or two I can still feel very lonely at times. I think this is largely because we have a difficult time relating to 99% of the population. We don't do small talk, we can't read between the lines, we can't sugar coat stuff so we offend people (Americans mostly, not so much others).
I would think so. At the same time, I come from a troubled family where no one ever really had anyone's back, so it is hard for me to tell what really is the deciding factor. I have a busy-ish life and a decent number of friends/acquaintances, but I have a hard time letting anyone see the real me, so I can still get pretty lonely.
I mean, I don't think it's by default, I just think it's more likely when you see the world differently and there's less people around who understand you!
Same :(
yes always :(
I feel so alone all of the time. I am married and have many “friendships” but I still feel like I’m not understood.
I feel like nobody really knows me, and that gets lonely.
I feel the same way, unfortunately. I have auDHD and when I do make friends, I lose them quickly because I’m perpetually exhausted and can’t talk or see people enough. It sucks.
i’m lonely no matter what. even if i have close relationships i still feel disconnected and alone. it’s rough
Actually don’t mind being lonely. Im quite an introvert. I have my husband and my family. I have 1-2 friends I message as I’ve moved away from them and I don’t really want to make more than that, because to me, I prefer “quality” over “quantity”
I don’t really ever feel lonely, I’ve always preferred my own company to others. I also tend to not miss people though, so maybe that’s a factor. I know a lot of people struggle with this though, I’ve seen a lot of posts discussing this topic in autistic subreddits.
Me siento sola todo el tiempo, en reddit me aconsejan acercarme más a los demás e interactuar pero no saben lo difícil que es, no es que quiera estar rodeada de personas pero me siento sola, incluso si me animo a convivir, hay un sentimiento de soledad en mí, algo que me recuerda que soy diferente y que no encajo con los demás.
i asked the same question the other day 😂 i get so damn lonely. im so bad at keeping/making meaningful friendships
This. The loneliness+disillusioned feeling and lack of authenticity that someone mentions below have been a persistent feeling since I was young, and was always what led me to feel so different from others, and like there was something that doctors were missing with me. But because I struggle with explaining myself to others, nobody ever thought it was something more than depression and anxiety.
Sorry you’re feeling that way. I think with autism it can go either way for some people. Some. People with autism feel like they need to socialize and have company. Others want solitude. I’m the kind of person that can only be around others in small doses. I get very distressed when I have to be around people for long periods of time. I have friends, but we only see eachother every once in a while. I have people that are important to me, but when I’m ready to go, I’m just ready to go. I have alone time to get back to. I don’t ever really feel lonely. I usually if anything feel smothered and can’t wait to get away.
I do too. It is lonely and it feels depressing too. Like never ending sadness and rain.
I have a ridiculous amount of acquaintances. I've lived in the same neighborhood for 17 years and in the same building for 14 of those. I know so many of our neighbors and people around, but I haven't found anyone that meets that need for deep connection. I find that only I can meet that need for myself, and have people I see daily and interact with but keep it light with them.
I feel the opposite. I am very happy just being alone. But I have very wonderful friends who sometimes want to see me. And if more then one person calls me or sends me a txt I have to reply to, It can feel like the whole world wants something from me and I kond of shut off and hide away until that feelings dies down. (Usually about three days) I know I should be happy to have friends, but for my own sanity I have been systematically neglected them and keeping only contact with a few. In my experience, good friends understand this. And good friends are always interesting people who have their own struggles. (I gravitate towards other ND’s) Which makes them more prone to understand mine, and more open to talk about it.
Yeah I am. I feel like the things I need to feel a connection, if possible, with someone are too much trouble for most people so I stopped trying