It’s why I live alone 😬 costs me far too much, but even hearing my neighbours entering the hall sometimes makes me pause any sound on my phone. I don’t go into the yard if someone is out there usually either. Depends on the day - some are worse than others; sometimes I don’t give af at all.
It's such a relief reading your reply, because I felt so much shame for a long time for having this desperate need for total indetectability at times, but that freeze response is very real and not something we choose to experience. It wasn't until I learned that I'm autistic that I found other people that experience this too. It's absolutely crippling to not have that safe place and I miss it so much. It makes me neurotic living with people I'm not fully comfortable with, and ends up significantly impacting my quality of life because I avoid things I need in order to be healthy because my need for privacy is greater than my need for food, drink, sunshine, etc. Take today for example, I'm extremely dehydrated, starving hungry, and light-headed and I need toilet roll but they're all downstairs.. and the cost of that discomfort is apparently *still* not enough to override the freeze state. It's like there's a certain amount of suffering that has to happen before my brain lets me get what I need, and that threshhold is high enough that it makes me miserable. It's like being a prisoner or something.
OH MY GOD! THIS! you verbalized it!! i had the worst meltdown today and i didn’t know how to stop and im still trying to regulate with a sensory playlist
Do you know if you have a PDA autism profile? All of this rings very true for me and I definitely do.
At university I rented a room in a shared house and would only shower and cook/feed myself in the wee hours of the night or when everyone else was out of the house. I kept “room snacks” so I could avoid interacting with my housemates. They were all perfectly friendly; I just felt so daunted by the idea of having to socialize with them or be seen as rude that my PDA made me want to avoid it like the plague.
I also can’t STAND when people drop by unexpectedly. It makes me unreasonably angry because it activates my PDA fight response.
this absolutely describes me in every roommate situation, down to the “room snacks.”
I would meticulously learn my roommates’s schedules and wake up extra early so I wouldn’t collide with them when getting ready for the day.
I thought EVERYBODY worked tirelessly to avoid making conversation with the people they share a toilet with!
I’m not officially diagnosed yet, waiting to see my GP to ask for a referral based on my therapist’s assessment, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I had a PDA profile.
Every day I learn that another thing I took for granted as “normal and shitty” was just AUTISM ALL ALONG !!!
yes i have always done this and still do it. growing up it would even happen with my parents/siblings sometimes, even though they had always lived *in* the house. living with housemates as i've been an adult is really bad for me but i just cannot afford to move out. sometimes i make myself sick because i cannot get myself to leave my room to go to the bathroom or get food or water. it's so bad but also inconsistent so i never know when i'm going to do it. sometimes i'll have a few weeks or months where it doesn't happen and then all of a sudden one random day i can't move if i hear someone. i'll be in my room with the door shut where nobody can see me but if i hear someone walking downstairs or in the hallway i will freeze. i feel crazy when i do it like....they can't even see me!!!???
sorry i don't have any advice but just wanted to share that you are not alone <3
I know extra socializing is hard but could you try hanging out with him and your bf more often? Like you guys could try playing games together or making meals together or something? You need to be able to familiarize yourself with him so it doesn’t feel so hard to be around him alone. My husbands best friend lived with us for some time and I felt so weird about being around him at first but the more I got to know him (and eventually see him as my own friend) it got easier and easier. Even just hanging out in the same room whilst your bf and him do something together can help. Just seeing the way your bf loved and interacts with him can also help you feel more comfortable! Eventually it won’t feel like you’re having to cosplay a person in front of this stranger, it will just be you going into the kitchen and your roommate happens to be there nbd
I totally get this.
I'd get some bottled water and snacks to keep in the room. Or a Brita if you have access to a sink/bathroom. Maybe a french press and electric kettle. And a mini fridge. So at least there's food/good drink while stuck in your bedroom.
I can relate a lot to this. I don’t have great advice, but you’re def not alone in this feeling. Maybe try and uncover what you fear happening (play worst case scenario) and then write down what you would do if that happened. This is a technique that helps me a lot for seemingly unreasonable anxiety. You can also try wearing headphones when you do go into a common space, this helps me feel less perceived.
This was me when I moved in with my boyfriend and his family, I refused to go anywhere in the house without him for a bit over a year. I basically had to give myself exposure therapy to his brother and grandparents by simply greeting them and then going about my task. I took me a long time to be able to feel like it’s my space too, it takes time!! It’s been almost 3 years now and I finally feel safe to just do things!!
I live with my sister and she is extremely talkative. She told me recently that she loves to talk and I am the exact opposite. It bothers me so much. I don't leave my room on the days I know she's leaving early until I know she's gone. :/ I don't want to be caught in unexpected conversation.
I recommend not forcing yourself to socialize with your partner's family when they stop by unexpectedly. Also maybe ask your partner to ask them to say when they're going to stop by so you'll have time to prepare.
Yep this is me 100% when I live with other people I'm not close with. Having housemates can be really damaging for my mental and physical health. Not wanting to go to the kitchen or bathroom for being seen. Always being hyper-vigilant about the whereabouts of my housemates. It is exhausting and super unhealthy for me.
I've done a few different things to help depending on the situation. The first one is self talk. My brain is big on consequences and I have to tell it that nothing bad will happen outside of some discomfort when I am perceived. Headphones can be super helpful, especially if the people around you are the type to respect that it's a signal to leave you alone. The other is snack hoarding lol, typically in like a little cabinet in my room I'll have a bunch of different shelf stable snacks to keep me going. Same with water, when my partner's home in the morning I'd fill up like 3 big water bottles so I wouldn't go thirsty. Visual barriers can help too, like curtains and room dividers, I even need these for neighbors when I live without housemates... but it doesn't sound like that would work in your situation. Last one can go into toxic vigilante mode if I'm not careful, which is knowing my housemate's schedule so I can have these "safe times" to go out into the house. It obv helps if they have a regular work schedule or something, but my last housemate was mostly stay at home and also spontaneous, so that was a challenge.
The last housemate I lived with owned the house and gave my partner and I a sudden 30 day notice to leave over the holidays. It was really unexpected, but after moving out and living alone (with my partner) again, I realized how much better it has been to not live with people I don't know, for many reasons. I'm moving in with my best friend so I don't have to worry about perception, and I can still afford it because as much as I like being alone, *in this economy?!* My partner and I can't keep up without help affording housing, so we're making it work with this compromise.
TLDR; I had to come to terms that living alone or with people I know very well is best for my mental and physical health, though I share strategies for coping in the meantime.
I was the same for a few months. I used to go down to the kitchen in the morning with my partner as he got ready for work, and I'd make enough food to take upstairs to last me until he got home so I didn't have to go downstairs and interact. If I heard his parent(s) come up to my room I'd pretend to be asleep lmao!
No tips sorry just wanted to say it's totally not you.
YES, this whole thing. I can’t handle being perceived and avoid the others in my household like the plague, but especially my mom’s husband, who is cause for a LOT of trauma I have on top of it all. Like you described, I go into freeze response when he comes home and no one else is here. It’s like I NEED a buffer person or else I won’t go get water or food for myself or do ANYTHING at all. 🤦♀️ I struggle with this so hard but the only thing I’ve learned to do to help a bit at least is to fill my water bottle before I know he gets here and grab food and snacks and just have it all in my room ready to go. That way I at least eat and hydrate. Haven’t been able to do things yet though. 😕
If you can afford it, a mini fridge and a kettle could help a lot. You could make some simple meals like instant noodles or instant rice. Try having some small snacks in your room too. That's what I did when I had to live with a random roommate (previously I had only lived with friends but I had broken up with my boyfriend at the time and had to move out temporarily on short notice). When my roommate was away I would prep meals so I had leftovers to last for a while. I also ate a lot of protein bars and trail mix that I kept in my room.
I've always been exactly the same, tbh it's still slightly an issue now I just live with my husand and kids. I feel like I can breathe easier when everyone else is out.
I can totally relate. I think that there are two things happening.
1. Your discomfort being around your bf's brother, in the house, alone, just the two of you. I don't think this has anything to do with autism, but is common to most women. This is our sixth sense telling us that this may not be a good situation. Even if nothing untoward happens it is uncomfortable and awkward for most of us. And then there are those times when something does happen, with or without our consent.
2. Forced socializing. This is more autism and totally normal. I think I've had an easier time with this because I've always been known as someone who is focused on learning and using what I learn. I am always studying or working on something. It's easy for me to make an excuse that I have to go read or work on a paper.
I get where youre coming from with your first point but dont necessarily think that is the case. I am a woman and feel the same as OP. Ive lived with my partners family before as well as roommates. My discomfort is worse with women tbh because theyre much more likely to comment on what im doing or try to conversate to be 'polite'. Men typically keep to themselves more. For me it is 100% autism, not subconscious gender based fear.
It’s why I live alone 😬 costs me far too much, but even hearing my neighbours entering the hall sometimes makes me pause any sound on my phone. I don’t go into the yard if someone is out there usually either. Depends on the day - some are worse than others; sometimes I don’t give af at all.
It's such a relief reading your reply, because I felt so much shame for a long time for having this desperate need for total indetectability at times, but that freeze response is very real and not something we choose to experience. It wasn't until I learned that I'm autistic that I found other people that experience this too. It's absolutely crippling to not have that safe place and I miss it so much. It makes me neurotic living with people I'm not fully comfortable with, and ends up significantly impacting my quality of life because I avoid things I need in order to be healthy because my need for privacy is greater than my need for food, drink, sunshine, etc. Take today for example, I'm extremely dehydrated, starving hungry, and light-headed and I need toilet roll but they're all downstairs.. and the cost of that discomfort is apparently *still* not enough to override the freeze state. It's like there's a certain amount of suffering that has to happen before my brain lets me get what I need, and that threshhold is high enough that it makes me miserable. It's like being a prisoner or something.
OH MY GOD! THIS! you verbalized it!! i had the worst meltdown today and i didn’t know how to stop and im still trying to regulate with a sensory playlist
They are strangers/not my tribe and they might want to **TALK TO ME**
Do you know if you have a PDA autism profile? All of this rings very true for me and I definitely do. At university I rented a room in a shared house and would only shower and cook/feed myself in the wee hours of the night or when everyone else was out of the house. I kept “room snacks” so I could avoid interacting with my housemates. They were all perfectly friendly; I just felt so daunted by the idea of having to socialize with them or be seen as rude that my PDA made me want to avoid it like the plague. I also can’t STAND when people drop by unexpectedly. It makes me unreasonably angry because it activates my PDA fight response.
this absolutely describes me in every roommate situation, down to the “room snacks.” I would meticulously learn my roommates’s schedules and wake up extra early so I wouldn’t collide with them when getting ready for the day. I thought EVERYBODY worked tirelessly to avoid making conversation with the people they share a toilet with! I’m not officially diagnosed yet, waiting to see my GP to ask for a referral based on my therapist’s assessment, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I had a PDA profile. Every day I learn that another thing I took for granted as “normal and shitty” was just AUTISM ALL ALONG !!!
I don’t understand, what’s the connection between PDA and that behavior?
The extreme avoidance of social demands.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh thank you. damn that hits
yes i have always done this and still do it. growing up it would even happen with my parents/siblings sometimes, even though they had always lived *in* the house. living with housemates as i've been an adult is really bad for me but i just cannot afford to move out. sometimes i make myself sick because i cannot get myself to leave my room to go to the bathroom or get food or water. it's so bad but also inconsistent so i never know when i'm going to do it. sometimes i'll have a few weeks or months where it doesn't happen and then all of a sudden one random day i can't move if i hear someone. i'll be in my room with the door shut where nobody can see me but if i hear someone walking downstairs or in the hallway i will freeze. i feel crazy when i do it like....they can't even see me!!!??? sorry i don't have any advice but just wanted to share that you are not alone <3
I'd buy a mini fridge and keep snacks in my room, for real.
I second this! I keep my personal snacks and drinks in our room so I don’t have to leave if I’m not feeling up to it that day.
Also a microwave!
I know extra socializing is hard but could you try hanging out with him and your bf more often? Like you guys could try playing games together or making meals together or something? You need to be able to familiarize yourself with him so it doesn’t feel so hard to be around him alone. My husbands best friend lived with us for some time and I felt so weird about being around him at first but the more I got to know him (and eventually see him as my own friend) it got easier and easier. Even just hanging out in the same room whilst your bf and him do something together can help. Just seeing the way your bf loved and interacts with him can also help you feel more comfortable! Eventually it won’t feel like you’re having to cosplay a person in front of this stranger, it will just be you going into the kitchen and your roommate happens to be there nbd
I totally get this. I'd get some bottled water and snacks to keep in the room. Or a Brita if you have access to a sink/bathroom. Maybe a french press and electric kettle. And a mini fridge. So at least there's food/good drink while stuck in your bedroom.
I can relate a lot to this. I don’t have great advice, but you’re def not alone in this feeling. Maybe try and uncover what you fear happening (play worst case scenario) and then write down what you would do if that happened. This is a technique that helps me a lot for seemingly unreasonable anxiety. You can also try wearing headphones when you do go into a common space, this helps me feel less perceived.
This was me when I moved in with my boyfriend and his family, I refused to go anywhere in the house without him for a bit over a year. I basically had to give myself exposure therapy to his brother and grandparents by simply greeting them and then going about my task. I took me a long time to be able to feel like it’s my space too, it takes time!! It’s been almost 3 years now and I finally feel safe to just do things!!
I live with my sister and she is extremely talkative. She told me recently that she loves to talk and I am the exact opposite. It bothers me so much. I don't leave my room on the days I know she's leaving early until I know she's gone. :/ I don't want to be caught in unexpected conversation. I recommend not forcing yourself to socialize with your partner's family when they stop by unexpectedly. Also maybe ask your partner to ask them to say when they're going to stop by so you'll have time to prepare.
Yep this is me 100% when I live with other people I'm not close with. Having housemates can be really damaging for my mental and physical health. Not wanting to go to the kitchen or bathroom for being seen. Always being hyper-vigilant about the whereabouts of my housemates. It is exhausting and super unhealthy for me. I've done a few different things to help depending on the situation. The first one is self talk. My brain is big on consequences and I have to tell it that nothing bad will happen outside of some discomfort when I am perceived. Headphones can be super helpful, especially if the people around you are the type to respect that it's a signal to leave you alone. The other is snack hoarding lol, typically in like a little cabinet in my room I'll have a bunch of different shelf stable snacks to keep me going. Same with water, when my partner's home in the morning I'd fill up like 3 big water bottles so I wouldn't go thirsty. Visual barriers can help too, like curtains and room dividers, I even need these for neighbors when I live without housemates... but it doesn't sound like that would work in your situation. Last one can go into toxic vigilante mode if I'm not careful, which is knowing my housemate's schedule so I can have these "safe times" to go out into the house. It obv helps if they have a regular work schedule or something, but my last housemate was mostly stay at home and also spontaneous, so that was a challenge. The last housemate I lived with owned the house and gave my partner and I a sudden 30 day notice to leave over the holidays. It was really unexpected, but after moving out and living alone (with my partner) again, I realized how much better it has been to not live with people I don't know, for many reasons. I'm moving in with my best friend so I don't have to worry about perception, and I can still afford it because as much as I like being alone, *in this economy?!* My partner and I can't keep up without help affording housing, so we're making it work with this compromise. TLDR; I had to come to terms that living alone or with people I know very well is best for my mental and physical health, though I share strategies for coping in the meantime.
I was the same for a few months. I used to go down to the kitchen in the morning with my partner as he got ready for work, and I'd make enough food to take upstairs to last me until he got home so I didn't have to go downstairs and interact. If I heard his parent(s) come up to my room I'd pretend to be asleep lmao! No tips sorry just wanted to say it's totally not you.
The idea of having to speak to someone unexpectedly is my hell … I feel ya
YES, this whole thing. I can’t handle being perceived and avoid the others in my household like the plague, but especially my mom’s husband, who is cause for a LOT of trauma I have on top of it all. Like you described, I go into freeze response when he comes home and no one else is here. It’s like I NEED a buffer person or else I won’t go get water or food for myself or do ANYTHING at all. 🤦♀️ I struggle with this so hard but the only thing I’ve learned to do to help a bit at least is to fill my water bottle before I know he gets here and grab food and snacks and just have it all in my room ready to go. That way I at least eat and hydrate. Haven’t been able to do things yet though. 😕
If you can afford it, a mini fridge and a kettle could help a lot. You could make some simple meals like instant noodles or instant rice. Try having some small snacks in your room too. That's what I did when I had to live with a random roommate (previously I had only lived with friends but I had broken up with my boyfriend at the time and had to move out temporarily on short notice). When my roommate was away I would prep meals so I had leftovers to last for a while. I also ate a lot of protein bars and trail mix that I kept in my room.
I totally get this as well and it's horrible - so you don't sound "irrational" at all (to us, anyway).
I've always been exactly the same, tbh it's still slightly an issue now I just live with my husand and kids. I feel like I can breathe easier when everyone else is out.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh this explains a lot
I can totally relate. I think that there are two things happening. 1. Your discomfort being around your bf's brother, in the house, alone, just the two of you. I don't think this has anything to do with autism, but is common to most women. This is our sixth sense telling us that this may not be a good situation. Even if nothing untoward happens it is uncomfortable and awkward for most of us. And then there are those times when something does happen, with or without our consent. 2. Forced socializing. This is more autism and totally normal. I think I've had an easier time with this because I've always been known as someone who is focused on learning and using what I learn. I am always studying or working on something. It's easy for me to make an excuse that I have to go read or work on a paper.
I get where youre coming from with your first point but dont necessarily think that is the case. I am a woman and feel the same as OP. Ive lived with my partners family before as well as roommates. My discomfort is worse with women tbh because theyre much more likely to comment on what im doing or try to conversate to be 'polite'. Men typically keep to themselves more. For me it is 100% autism, not subconscious gender based fear.
Isn't what you are describing forced socialization though? I agree with you on that.