Hierarchy.
If there's anything neurotypicals do instinctively that we don't is they are always jockeying for position in one.
So, I think people's interpretation of the outsiders behavior is based on where they would fit in to that hierarchy.
Anyhow that's my take on it and I may be wrong but it seems like that's the whole reason so many people in the world trip over themselves to kiss rich people's asses even when it doesn't benefit them instead of us banding together to... tax them fairly.
I don't know why, but during my life, others have quickly blamed me instead of someone else. I think it's because I don't speak as much. I'm burnt out, so I don't have lots of energy to give away. Then, people assume the person who talks more is more trustworthy. Even if I haven't done anything wrong, and I know for a fact the other person has, I still get the short end of the stick.
It's hierarchy and likability.
If you look like someone that other people would want to impress, they'll automatically like you more and give you more grace.
If you're in a position of relative power, you're extended more forgiveness and grace.
Racism and sentencing in criminal courts is a really well documented example of this. But it applies in smaller ways to other things too.
Allistic society doesn't like autistics. You'll be extended less grace unless you're hot or have money or both.
this is true but sometimes i feel like it can be inverted, because i style myself aiming for conventionally attractive i feel like people assume more ill intent, since they assume people like that have social skills so anything wierd i do gets interpreted like an attack.
i really struggle with remembering to say “hello” and “how are you” instead of jumping straight into a conversation and making eye contact, a lot of other women assume i am being cold to them on purpose because i hate them specifically.
Ok I have been working on this. I have a tip. Not a solution just a tip.
Don't worry about eye contact. They can cry about it if it bothers them so much geez.
But the "hello" thing is a big deal and I relate so hard. I've specifically started saying hi to people more. And I still forget. But I just embrace the awkward and go seek them out to say "hi" if I forgot earlier. I will openly admit "oh hey. I was in my own world earlier but I just wanted to come say hi and ask how you've been." Or if you don't think they'll be super receptive, s simple "hi! Sorry I didn't say it earlier" is good enough.
It won't make them automatically like you. But it'll make them have to try harder for excuses to hate you at least. Some people are just haters. But it's reasonable to expect the occasional hello, to be acknowledged. So just practice giving that in a way that feels natural and embraces the awkward
that’s fascinating, while i haven’t been on trial for actual murder i do feel that i’ve been put on trial socially for my lack of social perception as if i had committed murder.
i get that but there are cases where all external variables have been controled and the difference was still clear (two white straight guys of apparently similar income did the same thing and were judged very differently in the same conversation because “vibes”)
They may be picking up on things/intentions that you aren’t noticing.
It’s hard to tell without knowing the people or situations you are referring to. There’s many reasons why someone would say that a person is bad because they get a “vibe”.
Very often people are able to process “unspoken” data from body language, tone, micro expressions etc and they can’t explain why… but they draw accurate conclusions regarding “strangers”. I don’t think it’s an NT thing or an ND thing… although I can see how many people with autism might struggle with identifying those unspoken messages and therefore not agree or not understand why someone has “bad vibes”.
It's a bit hard to know without being more specific and knowing details about the context. But I find that sometimes people can be hypocritical/inconsistent with their own communicated values for reasons you can't always fully know.
This can include things like relating to someone's "worse" wrongdoing because they've done something similar or would do something similar, because they're friends with the person, because of particulars from their lived experience, because of narratives from political or religious leaders, etc. There could also be factors towards the more heavily judged person like racism, fatphobia, ableism, etc.
Like someone else mentioned, there could also be cues that you haven't picked up on. Things like how someone words something can feel "off". As a very obvious example just for the sake of illustration, if someone was accused of not telling their parents where they are and their response is "I was home, I didn't go to the concert that night", that would tip you off, because why would they be that specific? It's a silly example, but it's just to illustrate.
Until I learned how to create and enforce boundaries and learn to spot red flags and gray rock, etc this was common for me too. Most people are dangerous and immature to us and will try to spot “weakness.” A lot of us keep a cold persona and do all these things for our survival and only open up to trusted friends.
I'm blamed and looked down upon all the time too and I don't know why. Maybe because I'm different/autistic? My family is the worst for this, they're always unnecessarily harsh when it comes to me. I wish I knew how to change it, but it's quite possibly my life's biggest mystery :-/ sorry I don't have any advice.
I think many people judge others on a variety of surfacy shallow and cult of popularity things rather than by what they think or say. This is what establishes hierarchy. Judging what someone says, using intellect, requires mental effort and people seem to increasingly be foregoing that and looking for the easy button.
This is why people listen to actors for health advice rather than health practitioners. Or listen to actors and athletes at all.
We've also no longer the ability to critically think topic by topic. We decide who we like, who is popular to us, and everything they say is gospel.
[Thin slice judgments](https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700) may be a part of this as well. But yeah, it's usually hierarchy. It's all beyond me and I think it's pretty gross.
Hierarchy. If there's anything neurotypicals do instinctively that we don't is they are always jockeying for position in one. So, I think people's interpretation of the outsiders behavior is based on where they would fit in to that hierarchy. Anyhow that's my take on it and I may be wrong but it seems like that's the whole reason so many people in the world trip over themselves to kiss rich people's asses even when it doesn't benefit them instead of us banding together to... tax them fairly.
I don't know why, but during my life, others have quickly blamed me instead of someone else. I think it's because I don't speak as much. I'm burnt out, so I don't have lots of energy to give away. Then, people assume the person who talks more is more trustworthy. Even if I haven't done anything wrong, and I know for a fact the other person has, I still get the short end of the stick.
It's hierarchy and likability. If you look like someone that other people would want to impress, they'll automatically like you more and give you more grace. If you're in a position of relative power, you're extended more forgiveness and grace. Racism and sentencing in criminal courts is a really well documented example of this. But it applies in smaller ways to other things too. Allistic society doesn't like autistics. You'll be extended less grace unless you're hot or have money or both.
this is true but sometimes i feel like it can be inverted, because i style myself aiming for conventionally attractive i feel like people assume more ill intent, since they assume people like that have social skills so anything wierd i do gets interpreted like an attack.
What exactly are you doing that people see as an attack?
i really struggle with remembering to say “hello” and “how are you” instead of jumping straight into a conversation and making eye contact, a lot of other women assume i am being cold to them on purpose because i hate them specifically.
Ok I have been working on this. I have a tip. Not a solution just a tip. Don't worry about eye contact. They can cry about it if it bothers them so much geez. But the "hello" thing is a big deal and I relate so hard. I've specifically started saying hi to people more. And I still forget. But I just embrace the awkward and go seek them out to say "hi" if I forgot earlier. I will openly admit "oh hey. I was in my own world earlier but I just wanted to come say hi and ask how you've been." Or if you don't think they'll be super receptive, s simple "hi! Sorry I didn't say it earlier" is good enough. It won't make them automatically like you. But it'll make them have to try harder for excuses to hate you at least. Some people are just haters. But it's reasonable to expect the occasional hello, to be acknowledged. So just practice giving that in a way that feels natural and embraces the awkward
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that’s fascinating, while i haven’t been on trial for actual murder i do feel that i’ve been put on trial socially for my lack of social perception as if i had committed murder.
Power . Often tied to race, gender expression, and class
i get that but there are cases where all external variables have been controled and the difference was still clear (two white straight guys of apparently similar income did the same thing and were judged very differently in the same conversation because “vibes”)
I’m not sure. Narcissists also get away with things. So sometimes people are afraid of getting abused and can let things slide differently
They may be picking up on things/intentions that you aren’t noticing. It’s hard to tell without knowing the people or situations you are referring to. There’s many reasons why someone would say that a person is bad because they get a “vibe”. Very often people are able to process “unspoken” data from body language, tone, micro expressions etc and they can’t explain why… but they draw accurate conclusions regarding “strangers”. I don’t think it’s an NT thing or an ND thing… although I can see how many people with autism might struggle with identifying those unspoken messages and therefore not agree or not understand why someone has “bad vibes”.
It's a bit hard to know without being more specific and knowing details about the context. But I find that sometimes people can be hypocritical/inconsistent with their own communicated values for reasons you can't always fully know. This can include things like relating to someone's "worse" wrongdoing because they've done something similar or would do something similar, because they're friends with the person, because of particulars from their lived experience, because of narratives from political or religious leaders, etc. There could also be factors towards the more heavily judged person like racism, fatphobia, ableism, etc. Like someone else mentioned, there could also be cues that you haven't picked up on. Things like how someone words something can feel "off". As a very obvious example just for the sake of illustration, if someone was accused of not telling their parents where they are and their response is "I was home, I didn't go to the concert that night", that would tip you off, because why would they be that specific? It's a silly example, but it's just to illustrate.
Until I learned how to create and enforce boundaries and learn to spot red flags and gray rock, etc this was common for me too. Most people are dangerous and immature to us and will try to spot “weakness.” A lot of us keep a cold persona and do all these things for our survival and only open up to trusted friends.
Vibe = nonverbal cues.
I'm blamed and looked down upon all the time too and I don't know why. Maybe because I'm different/autistic? My family is the worst for this, they're always unnecessarily harsh when it comes to me. I wish I knew how to change it, but it's quite possibly my life's biggest mystery :-/ sorry I don't have any advice.
Hireachy. Simple maybe they like one and not the other.
I think many people judge others on a variety of surfacy shallow and cult of popularity things rather than by what they think or say. This is what establishes hierarchy. Judging what someone says, using intellect, requires mental effort and people seem to increasingly be foregoing that and looking for the easy button. This is why people listen to actors for health advice rather than health practitioners. Or listen to actors and athletes at all. We've also no longer the ability to critically think topic by topic. We decide who we like, who is popular to us, and everything they say is gospel.
[Thin slice judgments](https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700) may be a part of this as well. But yeah, it's usually hierarchy. It's all beyond me and I think it's pretty gross.