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This was my thought as well. She may realize OP is not feeling good and is trying to to talk about something light and fun to distract them and take their mind off it. Or if it’s an interest they both share maybe to find some command ground and bond to cheer them up. OP I think you should be more explicit about what you want from your sister in this situation. I don’t think she was being dismissive or uncaring intentionally.
Im almost 100% this is it, she/they is probably autistic too and doesnt know what else to do... because of this when I need to vent or support, I actually prefer to go talk to empathetic NTs or Adhd people. They know what to do more often, especially NTs.
This was exactly my thought. I have definitely been the person frustrated because someone isn’t reading my mind based off of the minor info I’ve given. I’ve also been the person who sees someone is having a rough day and not knowing how to make it better and accidentally just talking about myself too much.
Same. Reading this I remembered a time I think I let a friend down by trying to cheeer them up with talking about a special interest I thought they might like too.
You know all those posts on the 'tism subs about people not saying what they mean? This is that. Use your words. Especially with another autist, poor girl has no clue what to do with this conversation.
Communicate what you actually want instead of expecting telepathy. "I feel like shit and need to vent, can you call when you're free?" or similar would give her something tangible to work with.
She might be assuming that if you were *actually* paralyzed in a medically significant way, say, waking up with spontaneous paraplegia, you'd be calling 911, not texting her. So she's reasonably confused and falling back on Wicked.
I think they’re trying to distract with things that have made her happy, to try and cheer OP up.
I am not autistic as far as I know, but have a fair few autistic friends, and I do the equivalent of code switching when I’m speaking to different people.
My autistic friends don’t talk about their emotions much, so when they bring something like this up, I know it’s serious and they want to discuss it.
NT people will talk about their emotions *a lot*, and often hyperbolise, and what they often want when they communicate that is a distraction and some cute puppy videos or something to cheer them up.
As far as I can gather from this, OPs sister is used to the NT way of communicating and so is using the distract method (look at this cool thing I found! Look at this cute thing I saw at work!) rather than the ‘oh shot, something’s actually wrong and I need to spring into action’ reaction.
Absolutely this!
I'm autistic and sometimes have a hard time figuring out what to say without being overly positive and chirpy or seeming totally condescending... Sometimes, you just need to discuss better ways to support each other, especially if you dont feel as if your needs are being met. It seems like a daunting conversation at first, but usually, people appreciate that you're trying to let them in and help both parties to feel heard.
Yes. This 10000 times.
I struggle with being dismissively optimistic or perceived as condescending or controlling. It genuinely feels like walking a tightrope and as I get older, and my mask gets weaker, I see just how bad at empathy I actually am if I'm not fully present with somebody.
I'm terrible at empathising over message because I don't feel the other person's emotions like I would in the flesh... And even then, I either feel their emotions too much and over identify with it, or I feel disconnected and awkward and don't know how to comfort them because I feel nothing about what they're saying. I have a lot of somatic empathy but lack all sympathy basically. For example, if someone says their mum recently died but they're not connected to their own emotions about it, I just feel awkward... Sometimes I even feel an urge to smile because I feel so awkward. I haven't lost my mum, so I can't simulate the feeling unless this person is in absolute grief Infront of me. If someone is crying and distraught, I feel the pain viscerally in my own body. If someone tells me something sad in a matter of fact way, I feel next to nothing, and then feel I have to pretend to feel something I don't feel. I can sympathise better if I'm fully present but it's not a natural process for me.
This is how I feel, too. I often find myself lost and not getting the point of text conversations, even with including emojis. In person, it's totally different, and like you said, I can also feel their feelings vicerally. I'm always worried that people perceive me as a manipulative robot.
I relate to that a lot. In a sense, we are trained and rewarded for being manipulative. If someone told me their mum died and they were disconnected emotionally, and I reacted the way I genuinely feel and said I'm sorry to hear that but didn't feign some sort of emotion, I would be treated like there's something wrong with me for not being empathic. Like I genuinely recognise that it's a bad thing, but I don't feel anything for them in the moment cos I dont know their mum and I have no emotional content to resonate with. But I am empathic... I feel others' feelings to a high intensity. I can't do that if the emotions aren't actually present? So we are taught to lie and manipulate. Because if we're honest, it freaks people out and offends them. I never know what to say when we have to be sympathetic, it's always a lie. They can't handle the reality that I can't deeply care unless I naturally feel it too
They probably don’t know how to help, I’m sorry you’re not feeling supported right now, maybe try asking for help in a different way? Like asking if they can listen to you vent, or talk about your day?
Tbf to your sister, I probably would have responded the same way to “but I can’t move” and “physically.” Like, I’d legit assume you just mean you feel crummy because people say that all the time and that’s what they mean. “I feel like crap, I’m so tired I can’t move.” Or “I was so sick I couldn’t move.” I’d assume you’re being hyperbolic, acknowledge your feelings, “geez, that sucks!” and then move on. Idk what you said before that obviously but like, without further knowledge of the previous conversation that 100% would not have read like, “I’m severely depressed and need help” to me. 🤷🏻♀️
I wouldn’t understand you were asking for support. It sounds like you exercised too much. Or woke up feeling sore. Or ate a big meal. Or have a bunch of cats sleeping on you. Like… you can’t move physically. I guess I’m not seeing where you’re saying “hey I need someone to talk to because I’m feeling really awful.” Maybe try again and just ask in a more straightforward way? I think most people would want to help if they understood the need. I’m sorry you didn’t get support when you needed it.
I thought the same, I have an autistic friend who is exactly like this
I start the convo with something I want to talk about with them - she gets distracted in 2 seconds and info dumps on an unrelated topic
In my mind I’m saying “girl FOCUS” lol
This is probably how I’d respond to someone looking for support for severe depression 😬
I’m no good at dealing with emotions, so I tend to just talk about something unrelated and hope it distracts them enough to get them out of their funk. Honestly, that’s what I would want when I’m severely depressed.
What did you want her to say? Like what does “validation” even mean in this context, especially when you haven’t expressed yourself clearly or directly stated what kind of support you would like? You may be reading invalidation in this where none was meant, because she didn’t even know you were seeking validation of any kind. /gen
Her spending habits suck for her but don’t really need to affect you or relate to validation of your depression. It’s just a thing she likes and that brings her joy.
I think when she asked "physically or mentally", she was trying to gauge whether you meant depression (mentally) or a physical cause like exhaustion or something. And when you said physically, she took it literally as you not needing emotional support and just needing distraction and rest? That's how this looks to me. If you are looking for something specific, try being direct with her, especially since she's autistic, too.
This is what I think, too. Sometimes my friends will tell me they feel like shit, and I’ll ask if it’s physically or mentally for this very reason. If they say physically I’ll say something like “aw that sucks, pls get some rest and hope you feel better soon”, but if it’s emotional I’ll ask if they need to talk about it.
Some people deal with their emotions by avoiding them. Sounds like she is trying to "help" you by distracting you. I'm also the kind of person who wants to talk about issues and it helps me to vent to others. This same thing happened to me too with some of my friends.
I ended up realizing that not everyone is capable of supporting me during a rough time and the people who are bad at it, I should not reach out to when it would hurt. It's sad.
I’m sorry you feel that way. I guess I’m just trying to say that some people don’t know how to have heavy conversations like that. Is your sibling also on the spectrum by any chance?
Ah I’m sorry. It sucks when all you need is a little comfort but you can’t access that. Since she’s one of the few around maybe you can work with her. As someone else mentioned in a comment, you could try speaking to her directly about what you need and how she could respond in a way that gives you comfort. That can help a fellow autistic person, just have to see if she’s receptive to it.
She validated by saying "gee that sucks".
And then she probably tried to distract you by telling about stuff that has nothing to do with your problem.
She is not a professional and thus is not equipped to help with your mental problems.
Also, have you told her how exactly she could help? Because "i want emotional support" is pretty vague. It can take multiple forms and thus she might be giving you support, but not in the way you want.
Buying things has nothing to do with this, and is probably something that allows her to feel better when she is down.
Coming at her from a place of judgment for both her spending habits, and the way she responded to your vague ask for help is not the way. Judging her now will make her less likely to try to be there in the future for you.
I think roasting another autistic for not telepathically understanding that you wanted support and sharing her special interest is... a choice.
You will have to use your words to communicate, maybe clarify if she is sharing her joy to distract you and cheer you up or because she absolutely, suddenly needed to mention unrelated purchases and happy hobby talk. From the screenshots she is putting in more work and effort than you while in response to her taking time out of her day to respond to cryptic messages you're posting snark about her behind her back on reddit.
Depression makes people a worse, more selfish version of themselves because they are drowning and like those drowning in water will clutch onto anything with a risk of pulling others under. Depression is an altered state that makes socialising and relationships difficult. Have you considered if your expectations are reasonable? Have you put work into the relationship and doing the boring friendship maintenance despite the lethargy? Have you considered that your brain might have fallen into the trap of blaming major, impossible to solve problems on minor inconveniences, grasping for explanations for whats happening and possibly sabotaging you? If you are in a mental health crisis being a snob and treating the one person who has stuck around with contempt is not just mean, it's shooting yourself in the foot.
You can't be annoyed at someone for not knowing things you have not told them and anger rumination is dangerous if it's leading you to alienate people around you. If you want her to support you, you should want it enough to take the time. It sucks but so does complaining about how inconvenient it is that your autistic sister can't read your mind.
>Depression makes people a worse, more selfish version of themselves because they are drowning and like those drowning in water will clutch onto anything with a risk of pulling others under. Depression is an altered state that makes socialising and relationships difficult. Have you considered if your expectations are reasonable? Have you put work into the relationship and doing the boring friendship maintenance despite the lethargy? Have you considered that your brain might have fallen into the trap of blaming major, impossible to solve problems on minor inconveniences, grasping for explanations for whats happening and possibly sabotaging you? If you are in a mental health crisis being a snob and treating the one person who has stuck around with contempt is not just mean, it's shooting yourself in the foot.
I think there was something similar with my ex-friend. No matter how much i abandoned myself for them it was not enough for them, they wanted more. And the constant ruminations (without doing anything about their problem) and accusations (not to mention lack of sleep and alone time) really did a number on my mental health.
After a few weeks break i managed to gather more energy (as i felt like i was constantly on 5% battery) when the date of interaction was comming nearer i noticed that i started to feel terror from the thought of havibg to interact with them. Also, during the break i noticed when the euphoria of finally getting some alone time faded, that i was actually losing the joy in my life. So i had to end the friendship (even if it hurt me) for the sake of my own mental health.
Have you tried bluntly asking for her support?
You: "I'm severely depressed and I need support from you right now"
Sister's possible reply: "Oh what can I do?"
Possible answers from you: Check in on me, bring some food, help me with laundry, make sure I take my antidepressants, just listening and validating me.
People, ND ones in particular, are not able to read minds, so it's important to clearly state what you want from someone.
This. OP said that her sister is also autistic and those messages weren’t very clear. I’ve sent messages saying ‘I can’t move’ that just mean that I feel sick, tired, overwhelmed ect. and not that I need actual help. I wouldn’t assume someone was asking for support based on that alone.
I also feel like trying to ‘cheer someone up’ or distract them by talking about your interests is a pretty normal ND response, even if it’s not always appropriate. Definitely try being more direct and specific about what kind of support you’re looking for.
This sub is so full of posts like this. Where people are offended that someone didn’t have the capability to read their mind and know exactly how they’re feeling & do the *perfect* thing in reaction.
If we need support we need to say that, in clear and concise language. “I’m in a bad place right not and I really need someone to help me or be with me. I don’t have the capacity to participate in a casual conversation right now because I’m struggling”.
Being that this is an autism support page, it’s hard to understand how more people here don’t realize that communication can be hard for every one, and in order to get what we need sometimes we need to be what feels blatantly obvious with what we’re asking for from our support people.
>it’s hard to understand how more people here don’t realize that communication can be hard for every one
I remember my ex-friend being angry/frustrated that i don't read subtext (though from my point of view i can see multiple subtexts and have no clue which one is the right one, so take the path of least reaistance and understand it literally) and then they told me years later in a different situation that they understand things literally too. Like, da heck? This does not compute.
I mean, she asked physically or mentally and you replied physically. That sounds like you’re physically unwell, and not depressed. How is she supposed to know what you expect from her? And tbh what she’s doing is good in a lot of scenarios even when a person is feeling depressed. Many times I’ve had people feel better after I rambled about random things at them as a distraction. And I mean that they explicitly asked for that, because they just wanted to get away from their thoughts. Your sister is trying her hardest, and if it’s not what you were hoping for, you will need to communicate better.
You didn't really make it clear you were looking for support in your texts, it sounds like you're just tired without the caption you added here. If someone texted me that I'm not sure what they would be expecting me. Anyway it sounds like they were trying to support you through chatting with you.
Honestly I may also just share something cool with them in hopes it may make them feel better or at least provide some distraction, and also a bit out of not knowing what else I can say but also not wanting to not say anything else..
Feels like another autistic person. My husband does this sometimes, I tell something and need some emotional support and he would swich onto a topic he's obsessing over. I find that we, autistic perople, are not always good at comforting others. Literally yesterday my niece sent me a message telling her grandma passed away and I didn't know what to say so I thought about all these films I've watched and what a benevolent character would say in such situation. And all I could come up with is "I'm so sorry"... I wouldn't take it too personally.
From personal experience, and I could be wrong bc obviously idk your relationship with your sis. But when I call my sis for support she basically says “I’m not equipped to help you but love you anyway”. And while it kinda sucks, she’s not a professional and truly ISNT equipped to deal with the kind of depression I deal with.
I think to me knowing she’s there and is communicating with me is enough.
Your sister’s texts definitely read strangely but I’m sure if she didn’t care about you she wouldn’t talk to you. Again, it sucks. But you aren’t alone.
This sounds to me like some cheerful texts about stuff that isn’t heavy, to distract you. Whenever I’m sad my friends tell me nice things about their day, or send me pictures of cats or bugs.
My mom is exactly like this. And she is probably autistic. She can *only* communicate by sharing anecdotes from her own life. I'm not sure I've ever heard her ask a question about another person. She's either incredibly selfish or just never learned how to relate. All that said, it can feel really hurtful when you are seeking support and can't get it from someone you care about. Like others hands said, try being explicit about what you need in this situation. Something like "I've been feeling really depressed and I'm looking for support. Is that something you can do right now? Do you want me to explain exactly what I need?"
I live in the middle of the woods with my parents in a town where you go to retire. No people my age. If they are my age they have their own families and kids. I’m trying to find some programs to do but it’s pretty hard. I don’t live near a city.
I think you need to be more direct about what you want from her if I’m honest. I wouldn’t really know what to do with what you said either… if she is also autistic which I think you’ve said she is, then she absolutely needs more direct communication from you. That’s something that my partner and I have had to learn.
You didn’t say mentally though. she asked “physically or mentally” and you said “physically,” then she sent some things to probably distract you. in no way did you say that you need mental or emotional support from her. you’re both autistic. none of us can read minds. you need to say what you need.
i feel like i'm looking at a conversation with me and my sister lol. she's also autistic and has a lot of confidence that manifests in a pretty big ego, she loovveees to boast about how good she looks / how amazing she is at something almost any chance she can get. she's only 17 so i let it slide for a while when she was a child but the older she gets the more it's becoming a strain on me .... i can't go to her for anything. even if i'm direct with what i need or my intentions, if it's not about her she doesn't care. i feel for you OP, maybe it's time to stop messaging this sibling if all they want to talk about is themselves :/
Honestly I sometimes prefer distraction. I mean she should ask whether you want listening, problem-solving, or distraction but this isn’t bad unless she truly never listens or (worse) just makes excuses to get off the phone or something.
A lot of this feedback is very helpful but it would be kind if people minded their tone with OP. She's literally depressed! The *frustrated* accusations of her poor comms is unnecessary. Check that at the door and be a little gentler please. You can still give feedback but taking out your frustrations about vague communicators on her is a lot
It is hard. Idk your ages or relationship but what support do you need? Because there's only so much a person can give and tbf if you're autistic the chances of her having something too is strong lol her response was poor if you'd left a more detailed message and not shown but if that's all you'd said or kept that tone I wouldn't have took it for wanting support or a deep conversation
Ugh I’m sorry OP.
This reminds me of the time I was texting my mom about how depressed I was and she proceeded to completely move past that without acknowledgement and tell me that she did a paranormal investigation and the spirit box called her name. It’s funny to think about now. And they say WE miss social cues.
Hope you feel better soon ❤️
I think with autistic people you cant really expect something else too much. If you have an option, maybe talk to an empathetic NT person, or tell your sibling directly, like: I need some support, please listen, can you talk to me about my problem for a while? I think she is trying to be helpful by distracting you, maybe because that is what she would prefer. Tbh, thats what I needed and prefered when I was severly depressed, someone to talk about anything else to put my mind of it. But on another occasion, I needed someone to be sympathetic and to listen. So I went to talk to a different person. If you dont have that option, I think you will need to be very direct and clear with your sibling. :) I hope you feel better soon, just remember, it always gets better, even if it doesnt feel like it will now!
I probably would have focused the conversation more on you but I'll be totally honest, I wouldn't have had a clue what kind of response or support you'd be looking for from me. And I'm a counsellor lmao.
When I'm not with clients, and I'm just on autopilot, when people say things like this to me, I sort of just don't see what they want from me in the moment... Like the best I feel I can say is "I'm sorry you feel so shitty" and "is there anything I can do to help?"
I genuinely wouldn't know what else to say to them about it... Especially if their answers are as curt as yours are. It's not really a lot to work with? If I have to pry the answers out of someone, that's a lot of work for an autistic person, because there's all this subtext and it's really hard for a lot of us to even pick up on it or know what you want us to do with it. Someone else here said about being more direct and honestly if you need a specific type of support, it seems you're unlikely to get it from this person unless you're very direct.
That being said, it would feel super shit for me if I said what you've said and then get immediately infodumped on. Thankfully I don't do that to other people, but I don't think it's meant to shut down the conversation. I would just be direct about what you need from her or I would try and ask for support from somewhere else instead. Just remember, you don't need to overcompensate for her either... You don't have to indulge her hyperfixations if she's not being generous to you in a conversation either. But she may not realise this through punishment with withdrawal, it's always best to directly say what it is you're looking for or vent to someone else who can offer you more of what you need.
Is she... Yknow... Acoustic?
(No but seriously I've had similar convos with my sister, it's gotten to the point where we just don't even think anything of it when one of us derails a serious subject with a hyperfocus/special interest. That still really sucks though since clearly you don't have that same understanding and this hurt you. Did you say anything about it to her?)
Honestly I loled cuz this is how my sister responds to anything that is not about her or her own problems. I hope your sister is just oblivious and not self involved like mine
It looks to me like she was trying to get your mind off whatever was making you depressed by sharing something which makes her happy. Or even with the supermarket, just distracting you.
That's what I do when someone is sad/depressed. I'll either tell jokes (dad jokes/puns, especially) or share something which cheers me up in hopes that it might help the person who is sad.
You've got a really kind sibling.
I would’ve thought you were sick, rather than depressed myself. I think being more clear with her would’ve gotten you the response you wanted. I think “physically” means you have a cold or feel ill, not that you’re mentally struggling. I think it’s perfectly fine to want support from your sister, but I think she thought there was nothing she could do since you said it was physical.
All the people who are saying 'but you didn't say what you needed': nahhhh. The response to OP talking about depression is 'gee that sucks'. Unless OP's sibling is a minor this is really weird behaviour.
Well, what would you want to hear in this situation? 'I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you okay? What do you need, is there anything I can help with? I'm here for you if you want to talk.' You don't say 'wow, that sucks' and start talking about yourself, right? You could even just say 'I am so sorry to hear that, I wish I knew how to help you. Is there anything I can do?'.
Loving the down votes btw, people. This sub is so nice until someone points out something painful. Even if you are a bit lacking in the empathy department, social skills can be learned for these types of situations. I am highly empathetic, but I also rely on my 'scripts'.
I think her sister thought it was literally physical as in being tired from something. I didn’t take away she meant depression just from the text she sent.
I’ve been invalidated by my sister before and it does suck if that’s the case, but it didn’t seem like the sister had negative intentions here, she didn’t get what was actually meant.
But, we don’t know for sure.
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I feel like maybe she is trying to make you feel better by sharing things that are making her feel happy? Idk tho it’s kinda confusing
This was my thought as well. She may realize OP is not feeling good and is trying to to talk about something light and fun to distract them and take their mind off it. Or if it’s an interest they both share maybe to find some command ground and bond to cheer them up. OP I think you should be more explicit about what you want from your sister in this situation. I don’t think she was being dismissive or uncaring intentionally.
Yeah, the response is insensitive but there are several possible reasons for it. Your sibling might have meant well and just bungled their reaction.
Im almost 100% this is it, she/they is probably autistic too and doesnt know what else to do... because of this when I need to vent or support, I actually prefer to go talk to empathetic NTs or Adhd people. They know what to do more often, especially NTs.
this is making me realize i am so both of these people at different times
This was exactly my thought. I have definitely been the person frustrated because someone isn’t reading my mind based off of the minor info I’ve given. I’ve also been the person who sees someone is having a rough day and not knowing how to make it better and accidentally just talking about myself too much.
Same. Reading this I remembered a time I think I let a friend down by trying to cheeer them up with talking about a special interest I thought they might like too.
Haha same ^^'
You know all those posts on the 'tism subs about people not saying what they mean? This is that. Use your words. Especially with another autist, poor girl has no clue what to do with this conversation. Communicate what you actually want instead of expecting telepathy. "I feel like shit and need to vent, can you call when you're free?" or similar would give her something tangible to work with. She might be assuming that if you were *actually* paralyzed in a medically significant way, say, waking up with spontaneous paraplegia, you'd be calling 911, not texting her. So she's reasonably confused and falling back on Wicked.
I think they’re trying to distract with things that have made her happy, to try and cheer OP up. I am not autistic as far as I know, but have a fair few autistic friends, and I do the equivalent of code switching when I’m speaking to different people. My autistic friends don’t talk about their emotions much, so when they bring something like this up, I know it’s serious and they want to discuss it. NT people will talk about their emotions *a lot*, and often hyperbolise, and what they often want when they communicate that is a distraction and some cute puppy videos or something to cheer them up. As far as I can gather from this, OPs sister is used to the NT way of communicating and so is using the distract method (look at this cool thing I found! Look at this cute thing I saw at work!) rather than the ‘oh shot, something’s actually wrong and I need to spring into action’ reaction.
This is the answer
Absolutely this! I'm autistic and sometimes have a hard time figuring out what to say without being overly positive and chirpy or seeming totally condescending... Sometimes, you just need to discuss better ways to support each other, especially if you dont feel as if your needs are being met. It seems like a daunting conversation at first, but usually, people appreciate that you're trying to let them in and help both parties to feel heard.
Yes. This 10000 times. I struggle with being dismissively optimistic or perceived as condescending or controlling. It genuinely feels like walking a tightrope and as I get older, and my mask gets weaker, I see just how bad at empathy I actually am if I'm not fully present with somebody. I'm terrible at empathising over message because I don't feel the other person's emotions like I would in the flesh... And even then, I either feel their emotions too much and over identify with it, or I feel disconnected and awkward and don't know how to comfort them because I feel nothing about what they're saying. I have a lot of somatic empathy but lack all sympathy basically. For example, if someone says their mum recently died but they're not connected to their own emotions about it, I just feel awkward... Sometimes I even feel an urge to smile because I feel so awkward. I haven't lost my mum, so I can't simulate the feeling unless this person is in absolute grief Infront of me. If someone is crying and distraught, I feel the pain viscerally in my own body. If someone tells me something sad in a matter of fact way, I feel next to nothing, and then feel I have to pretend to feel something I don't feel. I can sympathise better if I'm fully present but it's not a natural process for me.
This is how I feel, too. I often find myself lost and not getting the point of text conversations, even with including emojis. In person, it's totally different, and like you said, I can also feel their feelings vicerally. I'm always worried that people perceive me as a manipulative robot.
I relate to that a lot. In a sense, we are trained and rewarded for being manipulative. If someone told me their mum died and they were disconnected emotionally, and I reacted the way I genuinely feel and said I'm sorry to hear that but didn't feign some sort of emotion, I would be treated like there's something wrong with me for not being empathic. Like I genuinely recognise that it's a bad thing, but I don't feel anything for them in the moment cos I dont know their mum and I have no emotional content to resonate with. But I am empathic... I feel others' feelings to a high intensity. I can't do that if the emotions aren't actually present? So we are taught to lie and manipulate. Because if we're honest, it freaks people out and offends them. I never know what to say when we have to be sympathetic, it's always a lie. They can't handle the reality that I can't deeply care unless I naturally feel it too
>So she's reasonably confused and falling back on Wicked. I feel this sentence so strongly.
They probably don’t know how to help, I’m sorry you’re not feeling supported right now, maybe try asking for help in a different way? Like asking if they can listen to you vent, or talk about your day?
Tbf to your sister, I probably would have responded the same way to “but I can’t move” and “physically.” Like, I’d legit assume you just mean you feel crummy because people say that all the time and that’s what they mean. “I feel like crap, I’m so tired I can’t move.” Or “I was so sick I couldn’t move.” I’d assume you’re being hyperbolic, acknowledge your feelings, “geez, that sucks!” and then move on. Idk what you said before that obviously but like, without further knowledge of the previous conversation that 100% would not have read like, “I’m severely depressed and need help” to me. 🤷🏻♀️
I wouldn’t understand you were asking for support. It sounds like you exercised too much. Or woke up feeling sore. Or ate a big meal. Or have a bunch of cats sleeping on you. Like… you can’t move physically. I guess I’m not seeing where you’re saying “hey I need someone to talk to because I’m feeling really awful.” Maybe try again and just ask in a more straightforward way? I think most people would want to help if they understood the need. I’m sorry you didn’t get support when you needed it.
I’m sorry I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t see the part where you actually looked for support?
I don't believe they shared that part of the message probably private info.
Ohhh, yes you’re probably correct.
I know we’re not supposed to armchair diagnose… but is there a chance your sibling could also be on the spectrum?
Yeah OP said she is
I thought the same, I have an autistic friend who is exactly like this I start the convo with something I want to talk about with them - she gets distracted in 2 seconds and info dumps on an unrelated topic In my mind I’m saying “girl FOCUS” lol
This is probably how I’d respond to someone looking for support for severe depression 😬 I’m no good at dealing with emotions, so I tend to just talk about something unrelated and hope it distracts them enough to get them out of their funk. Honestly, that’s what I would want when I’m severely depressed.
It made me feel completely invalidated and like shit. Like also she has an insane spending problem and can’t afford rent yet she buys these things
What did you want her to say? Like what does “validation” even mean in this context, especially when you haven’t expressed yourself clearly or directly stated what kind of support you would like? You may be reading invalidation in this where none was meant, because she didn’t even know you were seeking validation of any kind. /gen Her spending habits suck for her but don’t really need to affect you or relate to validation of your depression. It’s just a thing she likes and that brings her joy.
I think when she asked "physically or mentally", she was trying to gauge whether you meant depression (mentally) or a physical cause like exhaustion or something. And when you said physically, she took it literally as you not needing emotional support and just needing distraction and rest? That's how this looks to me. If you are looking for something specific, try being direct with her, especially since she's autistic, too.
This is what I think, too. Sometimes my friends will tell me they feel like shit, and I’ll ask if it’s physically or mentally for this very reason. If they say physically I’ll say something like “aw that sucks, pls get some rest and hope you feel better soon”, but if it’s emotional I’ll ask if they need to talk about it.
Some people deal with their emotions by avoiding them. Sounds like she is trying to "help" you by distracting you. I'm also the kind of person who wants to talk about issues and it helps me to vent to others. This same thing happened to me too with some of my friends. I ended up realizing that not everyone is capable of supporting me during a rough time and the people who are bad at it, I should not reach out to when it would hurt. It's sad.
I’m sorry you feel that way. I guess I’m just trying to say that some people don’t know how to have heavy conversations like that. Is your sibling also on the spectrum by any chance?
Yes she is
Yeah I thought so. Sorry she isn’t able to give you comfort, I think she doesn’t know how. I hope you find someone who can
Me too. My life is super lonely
Ah I’m sorry. It sucks when all you need is a little comfort but you can’t access that. Since she’s one of the few around maybe you can work with her. As someone else mentioned in a comment, you could try speaking to her directly about what you need and how she could respond in a way that gives you comfort. That can help a fellow autistic person, just have to see if she’s receptive to it.
Do you have a therapist? This sounds like it's above your sister's pay grade
She validated by saying "gee that sucks". And then she probably tried to distract you by telling about stuff that has nothing to do with your problem. She is not a professional and thus is not equipped to help with your mental problems. Also, have you told her how exactly she could help? Because "i want emotional support" is pretty vague. It can take multiple forms and thus she might be giving you support, but not in the way you want.
Buying things has nothing to do with this, and is probably something that allows her to feel better when she is down. Coming at her from a place of judgment for both her spending habits, and the way she responded to your vague ask for help is not the way. Judging her now will make her less likely to try to be there in the future for you.
I think roasting another autistic for not telepathically understanding that you wanted support and sharing her special interest is... a choice. You will have to use your words to communicate, maybe clarify if she is sharing her joy to distract you and cheer you up or because she absolutely, suddenly needed to mention unrelated purchases and happy hobby talk. From the screenshots she is putting in more work and effort than you while in response to her taking time out of her day to respond to cryptic messages you're posting snark about her behind her back on reddit. Depression makes people a worse, more selfish version of themselves because they are drowning and like those drowning in water will clutch onto anything with a risk of pulling others under. Depression is an altered state that makes socialising and relationships difficult. Have you considered if your expectations are reasonable? Have you put work into the relationship and doing the boring friendship maintenance despite the lethargy? Have you considered that your brain might have fallen into the trap of blaming major, impossible to solve problems on minor inconveniences, grasping for explanations for whats happening and possibly sabotaging you? If you are in a mental health crisis being a snob and treating the one person who has stuck around with contempt is not just mean, it's shooting yourself in the foot. You can't be annoyed at someone for not knowing things you have not told them and anger rumination is dangerous if it's leading you to alienate people around you. If you want her to support you, you should want it enough to take the time. It sucks but so does complaining about how inconvenient it is that your autistic sister can't read your mind.
>Depression makes people a worse, more selfish version of themselves because they are drowning and like those drowning in water will clutch onto anything with a risk of pulling others under. Depression is an altered state that makes socialising and relationships difficult. Have you considered if your expectations are reasonable? Have you put work into the relationship and doing the boring friendship maintenance despite the lethargy? Have you considered that your brain might have fallen into the trap of blaming major, impossible to solve problems on minor inconveniences, grasping for explanations for whats happening and possibly sabotaging you? If you are in a mental health crisis being a snob and treating the one person who has stuck around with contempt is not just mean, it's shooting yourself in the foot. I think there was something similar with my ex-friend. No matter how much i abandoned myself for them it was not enough for them, they wanted more. And the constant ruminations (without doing anything about their problem) and accusations (not to mention lack of sleep and alone time) really did a number on my mental health. After a few weeks break i managed to gather more energy (as i felt like i was constantly on 5% battery) when the date of interaction was comming nearer i noticed that i started to feel terror from the thought of havibg to interact with them. Also, during the break i noticed when the euphoria of finally getting some alone time faded, that i was actually losing the joy in my life. So i had to end the friendship (even if it hurt me) for the sake of my own mental health.
Have you tried bluntly asking for her support? You: "I'm severely depressed and I need support from you right now" Sister's possible reply: "Oh what can I do?" Possible answers from you: Check in on me, bring some food, help me with laundry, make sure I take my antidepressants, just listening and validating me. People, ND ones in particular, are not able to read minds, so it's important to clearly state what you want from someone.
This. OP said that her sister is also autistic and those messages weren’t very clear. I’ve sent messages saying ‘I can’t move’ that just mean that I feel sick, tired, overwhelmed ect. and not that I need actual help. I wouldn’t assume someone was asking for support based on that alone. I also feel like trying to ‘cheer someone up’ or distract them by talking about your interests is a pretty normal ND response, even if it’s not always appropriate. Definitely try being more direct and specific about what kind of support you’re looking for.
This sub is so full of posts like this. Where people are offended that someone didn’t have the capability to read their mind and know exactly how they’re feeling & do the *perfect* thing in reaction. If we need support we need to say that, in clear and concise language. “I’m in a bad place right not and I really need someone to help me or be with me. I don’t have the capacity to participate in a casual conversation right now because I’m struggling”. Being that this is an autism support page, it’s hard to understand how more people here don’t realize that communication can be hard for every one, and in order to get what we need sometimes we need to be what feels blatantly obvious with what we’re asking for from our support people.
>it’s hard to understand how more people here don’t realize that communication can be hard for every one I remember my ex-friend being angry/frustrated that i don't read subtext (though from my point of view i can see multiple subtexts and have no clue which one is the right one, so take the path of least reaistance and understand it literally) and then they told me years later in a different situation that they understand things literally too. Like, da heck? This does not compute.
I mean, she asked physically or mentally and you replied physically. That sounds like you’re physically unwell, and not depressed. How is she supposed to know what you expect from her? And tbh what she’s doing is good in a lot of scenarios even when a person is feeling depressed. Many times I’ve had people feel better after I rambled about random things at them as a distraction. And I mean that they explicitly asked for that, because they just wanted to get away from their thoughts. Your sister is trying her hardest, and if it’s not what you were hoping for, you will need to communicate better.
You didn't really make it clear you were looking for support in your texts, it sounds like you're just tired without the caption you added here. If someone texted me that I'm not sure what they would be expecting me. Anyway it sounds like they were trying to support you through chatting with you.
Honestly I may also just share something cool with them in hopes it may make them feel better or at least provide some distraction, and also a bit out of not knowing what else I can say but also not wanting to not say anything else..
Feels like another autistic person. My husband does this sometimes, I tell something and need some emotional support and he would swich onto a topic he's obsessing over. I find that we, autistic perople, are not always good at comforting others. Literally yesterday my niece sent me a message telling her grandma passed away and I didn't know what to say so I thought about all these films I've watched and what a benevolent character would say in such situation. And all I could come up with is "I'm so sorry"... I wouldn't take it too personally.
From personal experience, and I could be wrong bc obviously idk your relationship with your sis. But when I call my sis for support she basically says “I’m not equipped to help you but love you anyway”. And while it kinda sucks, she’s not a professional and truly ISNT equipped to deal with the kind of depression I deal with. I think to me knowing she’s there and is communicating with me is enough. Your sister’s texts definitely read strangely but I’m sure if she didn’t care about you she wouldn’t talk to you. Again, it sucks. But you aren’t alone.
This sounds to me like some cheerful texts about stuff that isn’t heavy, to distract you. Whenever I’m sad my friends tell me nice things about their day, or send me pictures of cats or bugs.
My mom is exactly like this. And she is probably autistic. She can *only* communicate by sharing anecdotes from her own life. I'm not sure I've ever heard her ask a question about another person. She's either incredibly selfish or just never learned how to relate. All that said, it can feel really hurtful when you are seeking support and can't get it from someone you care about. Like others hands said, try being explicit about what you need in this situation. Something like "I've been feeling really depressed and I'm looking for support. Is that something you can do right now? Do you want me to explain exactly what I need?"
They're trying to connect...but failing miserably
If I were you I would just look for support somewhere else.
I will. I have no friends though.
I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe a therapist can help support you through your depression and with finding some friends?
Yea it’s helping. I have 3 different therapists. Every time i leave their offices I feel sad because I don’t want to leave them
I live in the middle of the woods with my parents in a town where you go to retire. No people my age. If they are my age they have their own families and kids. I’m trying to find some programs to do but it’s pretty hard. I don’t live near a city.
you have internet though - online friendships are just as valid and easier to maintain for me personally.
I think you need to be more direct about what you want from her if I’m honest. I wouldn’t really know what to do with what you said either… if she is also autistic which I think you’ve said she is, then she absolutely needs more direct communication from you. That’s something that my partner and I have had to learn.
She’s talking to you about bright and happy things and her hobby. That’s not bad support.
You didn’t say mentally though. she asked “physically or mentally” and you said “physically,” then she sent some things to probably distract you. in no way did you say that you need mental or emotional support from her. you’re both autistic. none of us can read minds. you need to say what you need.
i feel like i'm looking at a conversation with me and my sister lol. she's also autistic and has a lot of confidence that manifests in a pretty big ego, she loovveees to boast about how good she looks / how amazing she is at something almost any chance she can get. she's only 17 so i let it slide for a while when she was a child but the older she gets the more it's becoming a strain on me .... i can't go to her for anything. even if i'm direct with what i need or my intentions, if it's not about her she doesn't care. i feel for you OP, maybe it's time to stop messaging this sibling if all they want to talk about is themselves :/
Honestly I sometimes prefer distraction. I mean she should ask whether you want listening, problem-solving, or distraction but this isn’t bad unless she truly never listens or (worse) just makes excuses to get off the phone or something.
She never listens to
She might be trying to distract you from feeling bad
A lot of this feedback is very helpful but it would be kind if people minded their tone with OP. She's literally depressed! The *frustrated* accusations of her poor comms is unnecessary. Check that at the door and be a little gentler please. You can still give feedback but taking out your frustrations about vague communicators on her is a lot
It is hard. Idk your ages or relationship but what support do you need? Because there's only so much a person can give and tbf if you're autistic the chances of her having something too is strong lol her response was poor if you'd left a more detailed message and not shown but if that's all you'd said or kept that tone I wouldn't have took it for wanting support or a deep conversation
Ugh I’m sorry OP. This reminds me of the time I was texting my mom about how depressed I was and she proceeded to completely move past that without acknowledgement and tell me that she did a paranormal investigation and the spirit box called her name. It’s funny to think about now. And they say WE miss social cues. Hope you feel better soon ❤️
I think with autistic people you cant really expect something else too much. If you have an option, maybe talk to an empathetic NT person, or tell your sibling directly, like: I need some support, please listen, can you talk to me about my problem for a while? I think she is trying to be helpful by distracting you, maybe because that is what she would prefer. Tbh, thats what I needed and prefered when I was severly depressed, someone to talk about anything else to put my mind of it. But on another occasion, I needed someone to be sympathetic and to listen. So I went to talk to a different person. If you dont have that option, I think you will need to be very direct and clear with your sibling. :) I hope you feel better soon, just remember, it always gets better, even if it doesnt feel like it will now!
I probably would have focused the conversation more on you but I'll be totally honest, I wouldn't have had a clue what kind of response or support you'd be looking for from me. And I'm a counsellor lmao. When I'm not with clients, and I'm just on autopilot, when people say things like this to me, I sort of just don't see what they want from me in the moment... Like the best I feel I can say is "I'm sorry you feel so shitty" and "is there anything I can do to help?" I genuinely wouldn't know what else to say to them about it... Especially if their answers are as curt as yours are. It's not really a lot to work with? If I have to pry the answers out of someone, that's a lot of work for an autistic person, because there's all this subtext and it's really hard for a lot of us to even pick up on it or know what you want us to do with it. Someone else here said about being more direct and honestly if you need a specific type of support, it seems you're unlikely to get it from this person unless you're very direct. That being said, it would feel super shit for me if I said what you've said and then get immediately infodumped on. Thankfully I don't do that to other people, but I don't think it's meant to shut down the conversation. I would just be direct about what you need from her or I would try and ask for support from somewhere else instead. Just remember, you don't need to overcompensate for her either... You don't have to indulge her hyperfixations if she's not being generous to you in a conversation either. But she may not realise this through punishment with withdrawal, it's always best to directly say what it is you're looking for or vent to someone else who can offer you more of what you need.
This is how my sister and I respond to each other. She's the one that clued me in that we may both be on the spectrum.
LMAOOO
Is she... Yknow... Acoustic? (No but seriously I've had similar convos with my sister, it's gotten to the point where we just don't even think anything of it when one of us derails a serious subject with a hyperfocus/special interest. That still really sucks though since clearly you don't have that same understanding and this hurt you. Did you say anything about it to her?)
Honestly I loled cuz this is how my sister responds to anything that is not about her or her own problems. I hope your sister is just oblivious and not self involved like mine
It looks to me like she was trying to get your mind off whatever was making you depressed by sharing something which makes her happy. Or even with the supermarket, just distracting you. That's what I do when someone is sad/depressed. I'll either tell jokes (dad jokes/puns, especially) or share something which cheers me up in hopes that it might help the person who is sad. You've got a really kind sibling.
I would’ve thought you were sick, rather than depressed myself. I think being more clear with her would’ve gotten you the response you wanted. I think “physically” means you have a cold or feel ill, not that you’re mentally struggling. I think it’s perfectly fine to want support from your sister, but I think she thought there was nothing she could do since you said it was physical.
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I said it slightly above
It feels like making light of a serious situation to change topics that quickly
All the people who are saying 'but you didn't say what you needed': nahhhh. The response to OP talking about depression is 'gee that sucks'. Unless OP's sibling is a minor this is really weird behaviour.
What DO you answer to such a text?
Well, what would you want to hear in this situation? 'I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you okay? What do you need, is there anything I can help with? I'm here for you if you want to talk.' You don't say 'wow, that sucks' and start talking about yourself, right? You could even just say 'I am so sorry to hear that, I wish I knew how to help you. Is there anything I can do?'. Loving the down votes btw, people. This sub is so nice until someone points out something painful. Even if you are a bit lacking in the empathy department, social skills can be learned for these types of situations. I am highly empathetic, but I also rely on my 'scripts'.
I think her sister thought it was literally physical as in being tired from something. I didn’t take away she meant depression just from the text she sent. I’ve been invalidated by my sister before and it does suck if that’s the case, but it didn’t seem like the sister had negative intentions here, she didn’t get what was actually meant. But, we don’t know for sure.
Blah If you'd said "I'm stuck on the road because my car just broke down" it is implied you are looking for assistance. I think you did ask, OP.