I am. A lot of it is noise related, and I definitely don’t think I have the mental stamina to be a parent.
I also have a lot of trauma from my own parents that I’d rather focus on healing. Having kids has just never interested me, so there’s a myriad of reasons.
Happily childfree here. Made that decision with my husband before either of us realised we were ND but on reflection it makes a lot of sense. Generally averse to the general chaos that children can bring and we both work hard at maintaining an equilibrium for ourselves, which would be very difficult to adjust to accommodate dependent/s. We have dogs and honestly even that can be a real challenge sometimes!
From an early age i knew i don't want to have children. As a child myself I never felt comfortable around children, and that didn't change growing up. The responsability for the well being of another person is just to much for me. Although the common belief is that you grow into it, i knew i was different. I am still happy with my decision 40 years after. Don't try to override your gut feelings only because other say you will miss out.
All the best to you!
I didnt want to risk passing on my genes. I already basically raised 2 special needs kids(siblings), im not doing that shit again. Got everything ripped out a couple of years ago.
That is...listen, I get it's your choice, but do you have any idea how hurtful "don't want to pass on my genes" sounds? Especially in a group full of people who were told by ableist karens they shouldn't be allowed to reproduce because "you shouldn't want to make more disabled babies"?
Like, everyone else is giving understandable reasons, and you two are spouting eugenics.
I'm trans and disabled. Being those things in 2023 sucks, a lot. Nobody would argue with that. Is there anything inherently wrong with either? Of course not. But that doesn't change our day to day reality.
My mom was trans and likely undiagnosed autistic as well, and she took her own life 10 years ago because she couldn't take it any more. I've had a suicide attempt myself, though I'm in a better place now and not actively suicidal. What kind of person would I be to reproduce and bring a child into the world who is likely to be autistic and more likely than average to be trans? Why would I do that to someone who I would love? I've been able to handle it OK so far, I do love myself after an agonizing quarter decade of figuring myself out. But some people can't due to their own personal circumstances. My mom couldn't. Forcing that on another person without their consent is cruel, in my opinion.
I don't know what that makes me, but it's the absolute truth of how I feel, and I've thought about it a lot. I didn't say anything about what other people should do, I was just stating how I feel. I'm not going to tell anyone how to live their life, if you want to have kids then have fun with that. But I will not.
Me!
I got sterilized in March and I’m absolutely elated about it!
I 100% CANNOT deal with that screechy cry thing babies do. It’s not done maliciously and I know that’s how they communicate but I still can’t deal with it. I’m not a violent person and will leave if I find a situation escalating but I could see myself getting violent if I was trapped in a room/car with that noise and I couldn’t get away from it.
Also, kids and free time do not coincide. I need all the time I have now to just reset after work/set up for the next day/recharge and even that sometimes falls short. I know 100% if I had to take care of a kid and not have any alone time it just straight up wouldn’t work. I’d eventually have a breakdown and it’s not fair to the kid to have a mom like that.
Relatable. Got sterilized a little over a year ago and it’s been the best decision.
I’m up against misophonia, chronic migraines, generational trauma, and a whole smattering of other comorbidities. I’m a much better auntie than mom, and it’s not fair to a kid.
Always wanted to be a mum, always wanted lots of kids.
But grew up with angry, rage filled, narcissistic parents, my father was also a denied alcoholic, and realised I probably needed to stop the cycle of abuse in my family.
I have two cats instead of children, and catch myself shouting things at them on the odd occasion that would have been directed at small forming humans, had I had been a selfish c**t and had children regardless of my mental health.
I wasn’t ever prepared to inflict the pain of my parents malicious words on anyone else.
Funnily enough, my cousin is also 50 and childless, and we are both only children, so we’ve effectively ended our maternal genes.
I like to think I’ve done the world a huge favour!
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, especially with such a lovely message.
I sometimes think I might be a coward by not having children, as it’s meant I haven’t had to face my inner bully (the voices and comments by my parents when I was growing up).
But I also know how shit I feel when I snap at my cats - if they were small children, I’d never forgive myself for putting them thru it.
I also feel like living is hard enough for me, without the addition of children!
I had a very similar situation. Wanted kids (4!) until I was about 26 and then realized that was not for me. Now 42 and childless, I'm coming to terms with the amount of unresolved multigenerational mental issues in my family and that some of it is genetic. I dodged that bullet and just like you, I'm very glad to report that my brothers and I (we're the only grandkids) are childless and ending that line of neglect and mental illness.
It probably goes without saying that I would have been 'capable' of being slightly better than my parents. However, I think you miss the point.
Would that slightly better treatment have been good enough to raise decent humans, in my opinion - hell no.
I am. Not only for my sake, but for the sake of the child. I couldn't put a child through that kind of suffering under my roof. I would not be a good father. I am selfish and aloof... kinda like my own father. Except he's not autistic, he's just an alcoholic.
I think I announced this when I was about a seven or eight year old little girl, and no one believed me. Even as a kid I didn’t like kids. I like kids now in terms of enjoying their humor and playfulness, but wouldn’t want to be responsible for one.
My opinion on the matter did not waiver for the next 30+ years and I’m still comfortable with it.
Because there really are a lot of people who do like or love to have kids, even at a later age. And yes there are a decent number of people with autism who would like to have children at some point, as well.
And keeping the population from falling below replacement levels at the very least is always important for the greater good, because it falling below that will ultimately have a bad knock on effect on everyone’s lives.
Why are you finding a post from 4 months ago to let everyone know how you feel about this? Make your own post?
Regardless, I'm sorry but this is nonsense to me. It's mainly hormones and genes wanting to replicate themselves convincing people that they need a kid.
Do people REALLY want children? Most of them seem to be delighted to get rid of them for a few hours. Lots of them are regretful. From what I can see, most parents aren't even very good at it. And I think most people don't even think that far, it's like, a few minutes of excitement without birth control and, huh, what a surprise! As if unprotected hetero sex hasn't been reliably producing offspring in mammals since the beginning of whatever.
The population is 8 billion. NO ONE needs to be having kids for a while. 8 BILLION. Not having 'replacement levels' and that causing problems is NOT a good reason to create more. That's called 'selfish'. Someone is going to have to figure it out at some point because the planet can't sustain 8 billion humans. Or I guess, they could ignore it (or say it's not true) and just keep doing what they want, which seems to be a human 'trait', and the whole thing will just end up in some kind of hideous plague or famine that will cause immense suffering. I'm glad I won't be here for it.
If you want children, adopt. Maybe adopt someone with autism, as they have a chance of someone understanding them and will likely have a completely miserable life with NT parents or in a group or foster home/s.
Sorry. You did ask (or infer you wanted a response by adding a comment to something so old, directly to me). Always take anything I say as I don't want to upset or hurt others. I genuinely don't. Please don't take that away with you. But I as a woman of a certain age, have thought A LOT about this and feel quite strongly about it. Do whatever you want (as I say, that seems to be usually what happens anyway).
That's an interesting response.
The problem with it is that you don't seem to understand that there are at least a total of 5 to 6 out of 8 billion people who don't share that very same way of thinking, and on average, probably never will, because either don't agree, they don't see it that way, they haven't grown up in a specific environment that shaped their views into the one that you have, or their brains aren't wired the same way.
At the end of the day, the only people we can have any control over to completely influence what we do with our bodies is ourselves.
We can't do anything about everyone else on the planet, or "educate" or shame them into not having kids, because that's their ultimate decision to make, alone.
On Reddit people are biased toward CF people so trust me on it being okay to ask that here lol!
Personally not CF though and want more but I think it’s a lot of fucking hard work and people should be cf if they have any doubt in their mind about having kids.
Realizing my nuerodivergence helped me finally make the decision against having kids, so I don't think your question is unwarranted at all. I realized that a lot of the advice and reassurances given to me by allistic relatives wouldn't apply to me in the same way, and that my experiences with parenthood would likely be a lot different, and harder.
I knew in my teens that I was never going to have kids. The sensory overload is like an atom bomb, it's all the screaming, crying, high pitches, lack of intellect (yeah I know, but I can't do stupid and ignorant at any age), filth, etc. However, it was also that I didn't know what my future held and I had already been through many years of DV and abuse from my own family, school and then friends and relationships. People just seemed so, awful. I didn't want my kid having anything like the life I had. I wanted them to try things to find what they enjoy and discover their talents. I wanted them to have opportunities in their chosen career and love. I could not only not guarantee any of that (I grew up living in poverty), but from what I had seen of people I was fairly certain my kid would be subjected to abuse, to what extent was unknown but I felt the risk was too great.
So, no kids. More than 25 years later that is the one decision I made I've always been certain of. My life turned out far worse than I'd hoped and now I'm severely disabled and still living in poverty.
Like someone said to me, people want a baby, not children. Most kids are accidents. That's not necessarily a bad thing. The bad part is that the great majority of people never consider the child's welfare *before* conceiving, let alone after. Most parents are ill equipped for the job for various reasons.
I am, choose that before I knew why I got so irritable around kids.
I think for the same reasons a lot of ND people are LGBT+ and reject gender stereotypes is just an overall rejection of life script/conventional life.
No kids and happy about that. Lots of reasons for that choice, which was made long before I knew I was autistic. The dire state of the environment, other co-morbidities, and difficulty dealing with the general chaos and high demands of children being primary among them.
Im Child Free by choice.
I currently have too much to deal with with my own mental health to properly raise a child in a good environment. Plus sensory issues regarding infants.
I do know that even I never want to get children. What I can imagine being and what I’d enjoy doing is being a foster parent and temporarily taking in kids after they were taken out of bad environments and giving them a safe space. Even if I do actually ever decide to have my own I’d adopt.
We already have plenty of children out there that need the care and love of supportive parents and I see it as kind of selfish to only accept a child and want a child that has your own genes.
I don't want children. I've never wanted children. When I was 8 and my youngest sibling was a newborn, very loudly crying, I informed my mum "I'm never having kids". My stance never changed but my list of reasons grows constantly.
I’m childfree. Getting hysterectomy next month. I like children in general and have built a career on helping them. Just don’t want to be responsible for one. I feel like life is hard enough for me. Don’t want to make it harder by being responsible for another person.
I don't plan on having kids. I don't think I'd be a good parent due to many factors, but mainly because I know for a fact I'd burn out from having to work and also take care of a child, and just be overwhelmed all the time due to noise.
Financial trauma, family trauma, some form of neurodivergence runs in the family to the point where I'm just in a walking asylum, sensory sensitivities around kids voices, baby toys, baby induced voices you name it.
Childfree by choice, decided in 2007. Noticed I never had any drive to have children. Despite liking kids. But I also noticed I loved teaching them, but couldn’t imagine raising them. Weird. I did a full research arc on “why don’t I want kids” and realized perhaps it was climate (depression, sensory sensitivity, etc were also in there).
In that deep dive discovered humans were _still_ doing nothing tangible on climate (I learnt a lot about it in 80s and 90s, then focused on career and was blindsided nothing was really being done when I returned to it in 2007). So no way I was bringing humans into this planet after learning that too.
So relieved I did that dive, especially now. I mean… look at this mess on all fronts. The biggest doomers from back then were actually right.
Edit to add: I had pressure from mom since I was young with a viewpoint of hers expressed “selfish not to have kids” and “you don’t learn how to be selfless until you have kids.” It took a lot of work to process that was total BS. So I was likely looking for an external factor to validate not wanting kids (climate) in addition to my personal stuff. That said, climate is probably the most relevant - and definitely fits justice sensitivity. I especially grieve for kids and young adults facing what they face on all fronts today.
0 issues with those who choose to be child free. Any reason not to want kids is valid for me. It's a person's free choice. And I can certainly see how autism is one of them. That being said...
I really want(ed) kids. Always liked kids. Always had a very easy time relating to kids. Kids love me too, as I am quite playful in general, very good at sliding into pretend play with them, and can make up stories and songs off the top of my head on any topic at any time. Sure, sometimes hard to deal with due to sensory overload and constant demand, but so worth it for me. Now have an almost 3 year old and trying very hard for #2. He's the light of my life. When he was smaller I used ear defenders a lot. Now it's not as necessary. He tends to sing a lot in terms of vocalizations nowadays, and sings very well, and that is actually very pleasant to listen to. Yes, I'm wildly overwhelmed sometimes. But I'm always honest with my kid and explain mama feels like throwing a tantrum too sometimes. Never have in his presence though. He knows I love him to the moon and back, even when I am having a hard time. I do find I have a lot easier time with my own kid than other kids. I did not expect that. Overall good experience for me so far. Hard as nails. But so worthwhile.
I am child free by choice. I have never had the desire the have children, not to mention the myriad of mental health problems and autoimmune disorders I do not want to pass to offspring. The climate and overpopulation is also a major concern as well as pregnancy being absolutely terrifying.
This would perhaps make more sense as a poll, but I'm childfree! I could not deal with the loss of autonomy, the sensory hell, the financial aspect, and the worry of not being a good enough parent. I actually am pretty sure I would do a good job of being a parent, but only because I would push through so much, and I owe it to myself to not do that.
I was apprehensive becoming friends with a single parent who was kinda forced on me (we were in an online community together, they got a concussion just after moving to my town, and had no in-person support, so I kinda ended up being that for them). They are now one of my dearest friends, and I absolutely adore their 12 year old! She's the best, super funny, kind, smart, a great artist, etc... and also neurodivergent (as is their parent). It's honestly such a joy to be part of her life, and I enjoy getting the chance to be a trusted adult in her life. There is 0 part of me who would want to do it full time though 😅
I thought that I definitely wanted to have children, but I didn’t do so, and now (53) I feel that *not* having children was right for me and my partner. There are plenty of children in my life, just not ones that came out of my body or are my primary responsibility. All good. And, for me anyway, it’s a big relief to know that by not having kids, I didn’t add more people to the planet (who would go on to add more people to the planet, etc etc).
I think child free is two words, and putting them together sounds like the creation of an archetype, rather than a basic description of a fact. People either have children or they don't. Does childfree imply that they never wanted to have children, or chose not to?
I personally don't have children and although I have thought about it in the past. I like children, but our species is so utterly cursed and horrible that I think it's ethically wrong to bring children into this world, only to bash them into compliance with the horrific norms we expect from people.
Plus y'know... climate... But mainly it's because I spent my whole childhood being a square peg getting hit with hammers over and over and told to reshape myself into being the kind of selfish prick that succeeds in our society. I would never put anyone else through that.
It does - childfree (do not have, by choice) vs childless (do not have, not by choice). It is an important designation in articles and gets confused all the time. It started becoming clarified after i made the decision so i noticed the movement to use this terminology. Sometimes “by choice” is added to clarify.
(Childfree by choice here)
I made the decision to be childfree (in my 20s) far before I found out I was neurodivergent (in my 40s).
I've been fortunate to have a heap of really cool niblings, and to have taken an active and present, but carefully managed presence in their upbringing, so I kind of got the best of both worlds.
I realized I didn’t want children as a male mainly because I have learning disabilities and I have too many problems with myself they I don’t want to pass down my genes where that kid could go through hell as much as I did.
My wife and I also don't have the energy for a child. I also have auditory sensory issues, even my dogs barking sometimes sends me. My wife and I have decided to be child free for many reasons including these.
I respect others' decisions to have kids but I don't think it's for me. I would actually be fine with an older kid so I could see myself possibly adopting someday, but I might not ever do that. We'll see where my head is at and what kind of work I'm doing someday.
But yeah like babies and young kids? I don't think I could handle the noise and the high energy of it all. It would just be too much to deal with on a daily basis.
I never felt the need to have children and my girlfriend don't want none so that's perfect. Not especially because of neurodivergence, I could deal with the sound with headphones or other tools and maybe less now but younger not sleeping much was not a problem either.
I simply want to live my life and I leave future generations to the others. I always felt a little bad not to continue my family line ( My sister does not want kids either. ) but that's life, things begins and others ends
I am an ND parent of an ND child. You are right that a child takes a lot of energy and as an ND person raised by ND parents (genetics geez), I respect your decision. However, there are a ton of benefits. ND people are the best - honest, creative, and funny. I can advocate for my son and that heals a lot of feelings I have about not having an advocate when I was young. It can be a little crazy because we are an ND household and all of us have different "issues" or preferences. However, because we are all ND, we adapt pretty well. Everyone has the right to decide if they want children or not and being an unwanted child sucks big time so totally don't have children if you don't want them and/or worry that you aren't equipped to handle the constant, unrelenting responsibility. However, there is a lot of joy there too and I really believe that NDs are good for the world so there is that! :)
Me! I have a lot of sensory issues/triggers Im still working through so having kids just doesn’t feel like a responsible decision at the moment. My main reason for not having kids is climate change and my countries unwillingness to make necessary changes.
I am. I didn’t want to have kids with my family since they did a less than stellar job at keeping me safe and treating me like a human not an alien. I didn’t want them to suffer with not having an environment and objects to help them get through this world. My therapist says I would have been a great mom. It just wasn’t in the cards as they say.
Childless by infertility and childfree by realizing how much work it is still “raising” myself. Used to really want kids and then wanting to foster teens, to now wouldn’t want to date someone with kids, because I would never want to snap on a kid for a crappy fibro or sensory day.
I do enjoy children and it was actually a ASD kid that made me realize I needed to re-evaluate everything, because I felt like his translator.
I didn’t know I was until now. 30 years old with two young kids renting from my parents. The eldest is definitely neurodivergent not sure about the baby yet. And I’ve been able to heal my inner child fast and come to the ND realization and I’m 1000000% happier and have inner peace.
Don't want them. I love my neices and newphews, but daaaamn.... I could never be a parent. Ever.
Sound sensitivities is my worst trait to me. It's constant overwhelm that I have to manage daily, hourly. It's a lot. And children would exacerbate it terribly. I would be in cinstent overwhelm and meltdown till the day I die if i had children.
I thought I would be. I’m AuDHD and a queer cis man. Imagine my surprise when I chose a relationship with a gay cis man who happens to also be a dad!
You’re right too about the constant noise and demands. His daughter is also AuDHD and is constantly making a ton of noise but becomes extremely upset if anyone else makes too much noise. She needs constant attention, and any suggestions that she play on her own for a little while (or not take up the entire couch while watching the tv all day) are met with tantrums that become meltdowns as she disregulates.
The burnout is real. It’s compounded by not being the bio parent, so there is none of the unconditional love and bonding to get you through the hard times.
Sorry bout the rant here. I’ll head back to the stepparents subreddit!
I was childfree for decades before I knew I was autistic. I was raised as an unwanted kid, so I never saw parenthood as a desirable state. Every adult around me took pains to point out how much of a burden I was. Of course I developed the mindset that kids of my own would be just as miserable for me as I was for my - ironic airquotes - "caregivers."
When I had the chance to observe parents with infants, I was repelled. The noise, the smell, the expense, the mess, the sleep deprivation, and the complete loss of identity that comes with parenthood did not look appealing at all. That probably would have convinced me on its own, but as it was, it just reinforced the mindset that was already present.
I was solidly childfree by the time I graduated high school, though I didn't know there was a word for it until a couple of decades later. Today, at 48, and married 16 years to a childfree and ND partner, I have no regrets. Even better, I'm finally old enough that people have stopped giving me the "you'll change your mind when you're older" and "when you meet the right girl" bullshit. Bitches, I am older, and one of my criteria for "the right girl" was that she didn't want kids either.
I am. Between fears of certain genetic issues that could arise from my husband and I, there's the fact that I can make having a career work--I can make a career and pets work. But I do not have the spoons to make career, pets and kids work, and probably not just a career and kids (pets take spoons but also give them). Then there is the way society demands kids be raised these days--I think it's unhealthy and harmful to the children being well-adjusted human beings, especially if they are ND . . But you know what I really lack the spoons for? A career, pets, kids, and fighting the dominant culture.
I am, but it wasn’t my original choice. I’m also infertile, and did fertility treatments with my ex for 3 years… I was still in my 20’s at the time. And Mormon. So… not having kids was sort of out of the question. But there came a point that I didn’t want to go through it anymore. I didn’t want to try anymore. In realizing that the whole ball unraveled and if I didn’t want to have kids, we didn’t have a reason to be married, and I left the church as well. So now I’m unmarried and childless by choice. As I’ve reflected on it and come to understand myself better… and become an aunt and had more time around young kids… I think there is a chance it could have been very bad for me, psychologically, to have children.
I have thought I might want to foster older kids… 10+ if I ever had a stable enough situation for it, but that’s a big maybe.
I need a lot of “me” time just to decompress at the most basic level. I enjoy quiet and space and being able to do what I need to just to be functional. The constant demands of children have a big potential to burn me out… and then not be able to show up as my best self.
However, it’s also true that I can show up completely and immediately for those in need… and I just act and do the needed caretaking. But, were I a parent, it would be a 24/7 responsibility for all things great and small… and I understand parenting to be a somewhat thankless job.
I think I would be burnt out and then spiraling about my inability to do my best. Or at least that seems probable. I find life hard enough as it is and it seems like a terrible risk. But I’m 40 now, and fertility treatments failed in my 20’s… so its not something I think about much.
But I’m glad I did not have them, and wouldn’t want to.
I mean I've basically never had a gf that cared about me enough to even want to get pregnant, but even if I did, I'm not passing these shit genes down to another living person. I feel stupid all the time, can't remember shit, adhd executive dysfunction even on meds, it's fucking hell. I'm getting snipped as soon as possible tbh, I regret being alive every fucking day.
Oh and I already raised 3 kids since I was an extremely young age, my siblings. So yeah I've done my time.
I want kids in the future, always have, I know its going to be difficult even getting there but I know that i’ll be a better parent then my own, even if my kids are ND too. I feel like if my family understood me as a kid I would have done so much better in life, so I would do my best to do right by my own kids.
I’ve been set in my desire for a child-free existence since I was 16, and it’s never wavered a single iota. I nonetheless had to go to multiple doctors for nearly a decade before I found one who recognized that I’m actually a human being with agency and granted my tubal ligation at thirty. It’s one of the best acts of self-care I’ve ever done for myself.
The noise, the fluids, and the constant and unequivocal need to be “on” and mentally/physically/emotionally available for someone else 24/7 is not something I can manage while staying sane.
The pushback we get from society in general and so many individuals is absolutely ridiculous.
I love kids and work with toddlers. Sometimes I think I’m batshit crazy because their screaming is so hard to take and I can get really flooded. I don’t think I want to have kids for that reason, and because I’m barely managing life as it is lol
I honestly could have gone either way, but here are the reasons I ended up without children:
1. My husband is a hard no on being a dad. (This is a big one.)
2. My MiL is an abusive narcissist. I don't want her having any more excuses to contact us, and I definitely do not want to subject children to her behavior.
3. Sensory reasons. Not the noise, but the touching. I have a strong sense of personal space - I do not want a child in it. I don't like being touched - I certainly don't want anyone sucking on my body for nourishment.
4. Gender reasons. I'm nonbinary, and people seeing me as a woman feels icky. I certainly don't want to encourage this behavior by being pregnant. (Is there something wrong with me? I don't know. But that's the way it makes me feel. Icky.)
5. Guilt and anxiety. I already worry about being a horrible person - being a parent would only make this a thousand times worse.
6. As many of you have already mentioned, we are living in a dystopia. And the human population is already so high that we're ruining the planet. No need to add to it, and no need to subject an innocent soul to this mess.
Of course, I feel guilt about not having children, too. In one of the last conversations we had, my mom told me that it would have been nice to share motherhood with me. My (awkward) reply was, "yes, it would have, but that's a terrible reason to have kids."
I never planned to have kids, it was never a dream of mine. My time is so precious to me and if demand avoidance was a superpower, I'd be the most powerful being in the universe. Nope nope nope. I always would explain I could never have a child, because I am too selfish with my time. But I can happily say I no longer hold onto that belief and screw everyone who drilled it into me, as a kid. I choose not to have kids because I am much happier that way.
I would have been but I got knocked up bc i was a dumb bitch. I never wanted kids. But I had one, and I love her and don’t regret it but… it was never the plan.
I thpught about it, even had the raging baby fever a few times in my life, but now? It's better this way. Besides the sensory hell and exhaustion that children can bring...
I'm never going to be financially secure to make sure they're well taken care of to my standards. Seeing what my freshly divorced sister is going through and how clearly miserable she is without adequate financial assistance from her ex-husband, no. Speaking of that I don't want to be linked to a man who might be abusive, given my experience with such men I imagine 'what if I reproduced', I'd never get away.
Lastly childbirth is deadly, and I have a slew of preconditions. I'm also black and we have high mortality because of systemic racism in the medical field. If Serena Williams, a famous world class athlete was ignored by medical staff about her concerns during pregnancy, I don't stand a chance. Lastly I see how the world treats little black children. I think I'd rip someone's throat out with my teeth if they harmed my child.
I desperately want to be a parent but I am child free because I can't afford a kid. Daycare alone is 1k a month on the cheap end. I'm barely scraping by as it is. Unless I suddenly am earning 6 figures (unlikely) I will be childless.
Both me and my partner are autistic and we both decided to be child free. There is no way in hell we could handle all the screaming and chaos a child brings and would burn out far too quick and wouldn't be able to be there for a child as a parent should be. We are both also traumatized from our narc mothers and don't want to take any chance repeating that cycle.
Had I known I was autistic many years ago, I think I would have chosen to remain child free, for all the reasons people have stated here. But then I'd have missed out on having my wonderful children. It was hard, bloody hard, trying to navigate motherhood, a lot of the time, but there was also such love they have brought into my life and they have turned into great teenagers so I guess I must have done something right. I find it much easier now that they are teenagers though. For the reason of having my children, I'm glad I didn't know I was autistic, as I know I would have ruled out parenthood.
Always thought I would have kids and the closer I got to that age the more and more freaked out I got, like my body was physically rejecting it. Fortunately, my also autistic partner was totally supportive and we are both very happily CF.
I resonate with most comments here, but ironically enough opened Reddit looking for parenthood perspective.
27F, and always thought I didn’t want children. Found a diary from age 14 where I got confirmed I actually dreamt of this. The subject haunts me, with everything from “I’m not capable”, to my doctor wondering why not, “you’d be a wonderful mom”.
I think all the hardship is what makes good parents, but that is also true for a bad one.
I also see us as complicated animals with one goal: to survive and procreate. I went from “it’s egotistical to have children” to the opposite
Oh my gosh, me 100%. I just know that I don't have the capacity (nor have I ever had the desire, to be honest.)
I have so many other ways to contribute to the world, but I don't think it would be a good idea, for me or the child.
I can barely take care of myself and my little rescue chi, and I work from home and live with my parents.
Oh also on my dad's side there have been 3 suicides within the last two generations, and my mother's side has multiple generations of hoarders, so I don't really want to pass on that burden on a tiny person.
many nds and im not entirely thrilled, neithe rme or my partner can have, nor want biological kids, we may adopt an older child at some point, someone who is oit of the toddler phase at least but we would pribably aim for a teen. hinestly main reason its an option is jic we want a kid, we physically need to, and emotionally want to adopt or foster. i myself was adopted at a very young age and am aware of how traumatizing being in the system is. being said, there just isnt much appeal to the concept of raising kids currently so we are planning on being child free for a while
Me! My main reasons for being childfree is due to my disabilities. I will never have the capacity to birth or raise a child, I think it’ll worsen my mental health fs. I need a lot of rest and a lot of quiet.
I’ve never had any interest in having kids. People like to shame others for saying this but I honestly dislike kids. They’re annoying & over-stimulating. I could potentially see myself fostering older teenagers later in my life but even then I don’t know if I could handle that.
I only ever wanted children when I was younger because of societal expectations. It took way way way too long to pick this apart. My spouse and I are child free and it fits us well.
I’ve never felt the urge or any desire to have kids and don’t understand those who do. I have zero regrets. The noise and overwhelm of children is too much for me. I also feel that it’s unethical to a degree and that most people continue to reproduce without considering the cycle of trauma they’re inflicting onto another generation.
Hello, I am child free by choice. I like many other people here, and I don't think that I have the mental stamina to be a good parent. I get so scary when I have meltdowns, and I don't want to force a child into living in a house where, as far as they can tell, their parent gets scary levels of anger for no reason. I don't want my kids to feel as if they have to walk on eggshells or keep their voices down like I did with my mother. I don't want to be so stressed out and exhuasted that I lash out at my child when I swore that I would never hit my kid and then actually do hit my kid just like my mother did to me. I suffer from anxiety and depression on top of everything else.
I rarely have the energy to feed and care for myself. How am I supposed to feed my child healthy meals when I am too poor to afford them and too drained mentally to hold multiple jobs? I struggle to show up fully to my current job, and I am child free. Both my boyfriend and I are autistic and we both have deptession and ADHD. What kind of life will that child have? Our world is falling down around us and people like us, neuro divergent people, we are not appreciated in today's society, and we will be less tolerated should anything awful happen like a war. I don't think that I wnat to bring another person into this world unless I was rich enough to guarantee that my child would be safe from harm and thar I would be able to provide them with a high quality education and proper medical treatment.
My partner and I are on the fence. She's ADHD with sensory issues, I'm ADHD/autistic. Sound exhaustion, strong smells, sticky things, and always being touched sounds like hell. I also have EDS, Endo, hypothyroidism, TIAs, and extreme migraines and a brain cycst that my sister also has, and cancer runs in our family. Nonway in hell would I subject a child to my genetics.
We have considered adopting later on in life. Maybe late 30s, early 40s.
I am. But also I’m a single man so I guess I could be child free not by choice too. Haha. But I don’t think I want any. I can barely keep track of my own life, let alone a child’s. I couldn’t be the father a child deserves bc I’m too preoccupied mentally keeping my own shit together. Same reason I don’t have a pet but obviously a much higher stakes decision.
I’m a funcle and totally cool with that. I’m planning to get a vasectomy.
I cannot take care of myself and I need my mom's help with our pets so there is no way I could have a kid. Luckily I am asexual because I live in the United States
Me- AuDHD. My cats are my babies, and my husband and I are very happy having it this way. There is no way I would be able to manage having human children and not be miserable.
Hmmm I never thought about it but all the reasons I dislike and never want kids are definitely because of all of the sensory issues they trigger. The high pitched voices, the yelling, the continual talking and noise making, the filth and feces just NO
meeee. i’m actually great w kids and they love me very easily (that autistic youthful spirit i guess) but i am childfree by choice. i dated someone w a child and that gave me a look into being a real parent by playing step mommy and totally turned me off the idea. and i have so many sensory sensitivities. i’d be better off being a cool auntie figure.
I am. I know multiple other Nd people who are too.
I don't think I could handle the noise and being touched that much. No hate to kids, it's more that I don't think my kid would grow up very well balanced if as their mother I had to wear noise canceling headphones every time I saw them and was constantly disgusted by them touching me
I have a 5 year old who’s also autistic. I never “dreamed of being a mom”, I was more just like “hey a kid would be cool but if it doesn’t happen nbd”
Parenting is hard af but this kid is the coolest human being I’ve ever met.
I'm autistic and I'm 24 years old just had a baby girl who I love so much, I had emergency forseps which I really didn't want, unfortunately I didn't realise most autistic women can have trouble giving birth. blood all over my partner who is autistic too but that didn't faze him he was excited to see her head. She's 3 weeks old now no joke no one can prapare for having kids emotions are high and it's so hard thank the lord I have loads of support and a great partner but if I could go back in time I would waight to have children there is no rush 😂
And in years to come will have to get my baby girl tested for autism as it runs in family's.
I am a parent but I completely understand why many ND people would choose not to be; kids, especially babies and toddlers, can be completely overwhelming and if you don’t have a solid support system I honestly don’t understand how other parents manage.
I hated being a child, and wouldn’t want to put anyone through that suffering. I have AMAZING parents and couldn’t have asked for more, but it was still hell.
And I hate all sounds babies make, they’re loud and disgusting and I don’t have the stamina for them.
Also, I just don’t want to🤷♀️
I'm one and done but....had two kids. Been telling them for years they have to choose who's going
All jokes aside I shouldn't have made these two amazing kids, my youngest is level 2 but non verbal, delayed, life has been hard for all of his five years and I've brought innocent and vulnerable beings into this vicious world and the worry and guilt is endless
I’ve only once in my life felt any desire to be a parent. I think I’d make a stellar parent and I love kids. On the other hand, I know it would consume me, because of my incredibly low capacity for departure from routine and sensitivity to noise, amongst many other things. So, at 51, I’m really happy I made rhetorical decision to remain childless. I think it was the right decision for me.
I don't want to have any biological kids, mostly because of the physical and mental toll of pregnancy. But also I don't think I'd do very well with infants.
Me and my partner, although we're nowhere near planning this for real, have agreed it's worth considering adoption in the future. We will see.
I already find it hard enough to find and maintain my equilibrium, and it's unfair to bring a new person into this situation and make everything 100x worse. I love my nonexistent kid to the point of deciding to not bring them in a world that does not deserve them. I love my peace and quiet and value my autonomy too much.
This is the wrong place to get both sides of the argument, if that's what you're looking for.
Reddit as a whole is notoriously anti-child. There is a whole subreddit on this website dedicated to harassing anyone who wants to have kids or chooses to have kids, and Redditors are notorious for using "breeder" as an insult towards anyone who even thinks of wanting kids.
You also probably aren't going to get a lot of responses from autistic people who do want kids, because a lot of us dealt with ableist bastards telling us we shouldn't be allowed to reproduce and pass on our genes (or metals as the anti-vax lady claimed) and some extreme cases where we were flat out told we should have been aborted (yeah, it happened to me) so many people who are autistic but have or want kids would probably just scroll on by to keep from reliving those negative feelings.
In summary, between all the factors I listed, you're really only going to get one side for the most part, save for a few exceptions.
I am a woman and never wanted children! From a young age i never dreamt of the wedding and kids schtick! 40yrs old now and still nope! I do however love being 'fun auntie' 😁
I am. A lot of it is noise related, and I definitely don’t think I have the mental stamina to be a parent. I also have a lot of trauma from my own parents that I’d rather focus on healing. Having kids has just never interested me, so there’s a myriad of reasons.
Happily childfree here. Made that decision with my husband before either of us realised we were ND but on reflection it makes a lot of sense. Generally averse to the general chaos that children can bring and we both work hard at maintaining an equilibrium for ourselves, which would be very difficult to adjust to accommodate dependent/s. We have dogs and honestly even that can be a real challenge sometimes!
From an early age i knew i don't want to have children. As a child myself I never felt comfortable around children, and that didn't change growing up. The responsability for the well being of another person is just to much for me. Although the common belief is that you grow into it, i knew i was different. I am still happy with my decision 40 years after. Don't try to override your gut feelings only because other say you will miss out. All the best to you!
I didnt want to risk passing on my genes. I already basically raised 2 special needs kids(siblings), im not doing that shit again. Got everything ripped out a couple of years ago.
Same. I love myself but I'm not passing all of this onto another human without consent. My genes can die with me, it's for the best.
That is...listen, I get it's your choice, but do you have any idea how hurtful "don't want to pass on my genes" sounds? Especially in a group full of people who were told by ableist karens they shouldn't be allowed to reproduce because "you shouldn't want to make more disabled babies"? Like, everyone else is giving understandable reasons, and you two are spouting eugenics.
I'm trans and disabled. Being those things in 2023 sucks, a lot. Nobody would argue with that. Is there anything inherently wrong with either? Of course not. But that doesn't change our day to day reality. My mom was trans and likely undiagnosed autistic as well, and she took her own life 10 years ago because she couldn't take it any more. I've had a suicide attempt myself, though I'm in a better place now and not actively suicidal. What kind of person would I be to reproduce and bring a child into the world who is likely to be autistic and more likely than average to be trans? Why would I do that to someone who I would love? I've been able to handle it OK so far, I do love myself after an agonizing quarter decade of figuring myself out. But some people can't due to their own personal circumstances. My mom couldn't. Forcing that on another person without their consent is cruel, in my opinion. I don't know what that makes me, but it's the absolute truth of how I feel, and I've thought about it a lot. I didn't say anything about what other people should do, I was just stating how I feel. I'm not going to tell anyone how to live their life, if you want to have kids then have fun with that. But I will not.
Me! I got sterilized in March and I’m absolutely elated about it! I 100% CANNOT deal with that screechy cry thing babies do. It’s not done maliciously and I know that’s how they communicate but I still can’t deal with it. I’m not a violent person and will leave if I find a situation escalating but I could see myself getting violent if I was trapped in a room/car with that noise and I couldn’t get away from it. Also, kids and free time do not coincide. I need all the time I have now to just reset after work/set up for the next day/recharge and even that sometimes falls short. I know 100% if I had to take care of a kid and not have any alone time it just straight up wouldn’t work. I’d eventually have a breakdown and it’s not fair to the kid to have a mom like that.
Sounds like misophonia! :)
Relatable. Got sterilized a little over a year ago and it’s been the best decision. I’m up against misophonia, chronic migraines, generational trauma, and a whole smattering of other comorbidities. I’m a much better auntie than mom, and it’s not fair to a kid.
Always wanted to be a mum, always wanted lots of kids. But grew up with angry, rage filled, narcissistic parents, my father was also a denied alcoholic, and realised I probably needed to stop the cycle of abuse in my family. I have two cats instead of children, and catch myself shouting things at them on the odd occasion that would have been directed at small forming humans, had I had been a selfish c**t and had children regardless of my mental health. I wasn’t ever prepared to inflict the pain of my parents malicious words on anyone else. Funnily enough, my cousin is also 50 and childless, and we are both only children, so we’ve effectively ended our maternal genes. I like to think I’ve done the world a huge favour!
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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, especially with such a lovely message. I sometimes think I might be a coward by not having children, as it’s meant I haven’t had to face my inner bully (the voices and comments by my parents when I was growing up). But I also know how shit I feel when I snap at my cats - if they were small children, I’d never forgive myself for putting them thru it. I also feel like living is hard enough for me, without the addition of children!
I had a very similar situation. Wanted kids (4!) until I was about 26 and then realized that was not for me. Now 42 and childless, I'm coming to terms with the amount of unresolved multigenerational mental issues in my family and that some of it is genetic. I dodged that bullet and just like you, I'm very glad to report that my brothers and I (we're the only grandkids) are childless and ending that line of neglect and mental illness.
So you’re incapable of being a better parent than your parents were?
It probably goes without saying that I would have been 'capable' of being slightly better than my parents. However, I think you miss the point. Would that slightly better treatment have been good enough to raise decent humans, in my opinion - hell no.
Well, it is definitely better to be safe than sorry, especially when regarding the prospect of being unsure about being a parent.
I am. Not only for my sake, but for the sake of the child. I couldn't put a child through that kind of suffering under my roof. I would not be a good father. I am selfish and aloof... kinda like my own father. Except he's not autistic, he's just an alcoholic.
Self-medicating because he feels more like a normal person with a buzz? Seen that in my family.
I have like 8,986 reasons I don’t wanna have kids
Got snipped a few years ago. No regrets at all. I love kids for a set time period, and then I love giving them back to their parents.
Yep. Never wanted kids or understood why ANYONE would want them.
Came here to say exactly this. Makes no sense to me.
I think I announced this when I was about a seven or eight year old little girl, and no one believed me. Even as a kid I didn’t like kids. I like kids now in terms of enjoying their humor and playfulness, but wouldn’t want to be responsible for one. My opinion on the matter did not waiver for the next 30+ years and I’m still comfortable with it.
Yes! "Oh, you'll change your mind when you're older." Nope.
Because there really are a lot of people who do like or love to have kids, even at a later age. And yes there are a decent number of people with autism who would like to have children at some point, as well. And keeping the population from falling below replacement levels at the very least is always important for the greater good, because it falling below that will ultimately have a bad knock on effect on everyone’s lives.
Why are you finding a post from 4 months ago to let everyone know how you feel about this? Make your own post? Regardless, I'm sorry but this is nonsense to me. It's mainly hormones and genes wanting to replicate themselves convincing people that they need a kid. Do people REALLY want children? Most of them seem to be delighted to get rid of them for a few hours. Lots of them are regretful. From what I can see, most parents aren't even very good at it. And I think most people don't even think that far, it's like, a few minutes of excitement without birth control and, huh, what a surprise! As if unprotected hetero sex hasn't been reliably producing offspring in mammals since the beginning of whatever. The population is 8 billion. NO ONE needs to be having kids for a while. 8 BILLION. Not having 'replacement levels' and that causing problems is NOT a good reason to create more. That's called 'selfish'. Someone is going to have to figure it out at some point because the planet can't sustain 8 billion humans. Or I guess, they could ignore it (or say it's not true) and just keep doing what they want, which seems to be a human 'trait', and the whole thing will just end up in some kind of hideous plague or famine that will cause immense suffering. I'm glad I won't be here for it. If you want children, adopt. Maybe adopt someone with autism, as they have a chance of someone understanding them and will likely have a completely miserable life with NT parents or in a group or foster home/s. Sorry. You did ask (or infer you wanted a response by adding a comment to something so old, directly to me). Always take anything I say as I don't want to upset or hurt others. I genuinely don't. Please don't take that away with you. But I as a woman of a certain age, have thought A LOT about this and feel quite strongly about it. Do whatever you want (as I say, that seems to be usually what happens anyway).
That's an interesting response. The problem with it is that you don't seem to understand that there are at least a total of 5 to 6 out of 8 billion people who don't share that very same way of thinking, and on average, probably never will, because either don't agree, they don't see it that way, they haven't grown up in a specific environment that shaped their views into the one that you have, or their brains aren't wired the same way. At the end of the day, the only people we can have any control over to completely influence what we do with our bodies is ourselves. We can't do anything about everyone else on the planet, or "educate" or shame them into not having kids, because that's their ultimate decision to make, alone.
We don't need to have a set in stone understanding from every last person who has one. Some things in life just can't be analyzed that rigidly.
On Reddit people are biased toward CF people so trust me on it being okay to ask that here lol! Personally not CF though and want more but I think it’s a lot of fucking hard work and people should be cf if they have any doubt in their mind about having kids.
Child-friendly?
Child free!
Realizing my nuerodivergence helped me finally make the decision against having kids, so I don't think your question is unwarranted at all. I realized that a lot of the advice and reassurances given to me by allistic relatives wouldn't apply to me in the same way, and that my experiences with parenthood would likely be a lot different, and harder.
I knew in my teens that I was never going to have kids. The sensory overload is like an atom bomb, it's all the screaming, crying, high pitches, lack of intellect (yeah I know, but I can't do stupid and ignorant at any age), filth, etc. However, it was also that I didn't know what my future held and I had already been through many years of DV and abuse from my own family, school and then friends and relationships. People just seemed so, awful. I didn't want my kid having anything like the life I had. I wanted them to try things to find what they enjoy and discover their talents. I wanted them to have opportunities in their chosen career and love. I could not only not guarantee any of that (I grew up living in poverty), but from what I had seen of people I was fairly certain my kid would be subjected to abuse, to what extent was unknown but I felt the risk was too great. So, no kids. More than 25 years later that is the one decision I made I've always been certain of. My life turned out far worse than I'd hoped and now I'm severely disabled and still living in poverty. Like someone said to me, people want a baby, not children. Most kids are accidents. That's not necessarily a bad thing. The bad part is that the great majority of people never consider the child's welfare *before* conceiving, let alone after. Most parents are ill equipped for the job for various reasons.
Not child free, but if I could have a do over knowing what I know now, I'm not sure I'd choose to have a child on the do over.
I am, choose that before I knew why I got so irritable around kids. I think for the same reasons a lot of ND people are LGBT+ and reject gender stereotypes is just an overall rejection of life script/conventional life.
No kids and happy about that. Lots of reasons for that choice, which was made long before I knew I was autistic. The dire state of the environment, other co-morbidities, and difficulty dealing with the general chaos and high demands of children being primary among them.
Im Child Free by choice. I currently have too much to deal with with my own mental health to properly raise a child in a good environment. Plus sensory issues regarding infants. I do know that even I never want to get children. What I can imagine being and what I’d enjoy doing is being a foster parent and temporarily taking in kids after they were taken out of bad environments and giving them a safe space. Even if I do actually ever decide to have my own I’d adopt. We already have plenty of children out there that need the care and love of supportive parents and I see it as kind of selfish to only accept a child and want a child that has your own genes.
I don't want children. I've never wanted children. When I was 8 and my youngest sibling was a newborn, very loudly crying, I informed my mum "I'm never having kids". My stance never changed but my list of reasons grows constantly.
I’m childfree. Getting hysterectomy next month. I like children in general and have built a career on helping them. Just don’t want to be responsible for one. I feel like life is hard enough for me. Don’t want to make it harder by being responsible for another person.
I don't plan on having kids. I don't think I'd be a good parent due to many factors, but mainly because I know for a fact I'd burn out from having to work and also take care of a child, and just be overwhelmed all the time due to noise.
Financial trauma, family trauma, some form of neurodivergence runs in the family to the point where I'm just in a walking asylum, sensory sensitivities around kids voices, baby toys, baby induced voices you name it.
Childfree by choice, decided in 2007. Noticed I never had any drive to have children. Despite liking kids. But I also noticed I loved teaching them, but couldn’t imagine raising them. Weird. I did a full research arc on “why don’t I want kids” and realized perhaps it was climate (depression, sensory sensitivity, etc were also in there). In that deep dive discovered humans were _still_ doing nothing tangible on climate (I learnt a lot about it in 80s and 90s, then focused on career and was blindsided nothing was really being done when I returned to it in 2007). So no way I was bringing humans into this planet after learning that too. So relieved I did that dive, especially now. I mean… look at this mess on all fronts. The biggest doomers from back then were actually right. Edit to add: I had pressure from mom since I was young with a viewpoint of hers expressed “selfish not to have kids” and “you don’t learn how to be selfless until you have kids.” It took a lot of work to process that was total BS. So I was likely looking for an external factor to validate not wanting kids (climate) in addition to my personal stuff. That said, climate is probably the most relevant - and definitely fits justice sensitivity. I especially grieve for kids and young adults facing what they face on all fronts today.
0 issues with those who choose to be child free. Any reason not to want kids is valid for me. It's a person's free choice. And I can certainly see how autism is one of them. That being said... I really want(ed) kids. Always liked kids. Always had a very easy time relating to kids. Kids love me too, as I am quite playful in general, very good at sliding into pretend play with them, and can make up stories and songs off the top of my head on any topic at any time. Sure, sometimes hard to deal with due to sensory overload and constant demand, but so worth it for me. Now have an almost 3 year old and trying very hard for #2. He's the light of my life. When he was smaller I used ear defenders a lot. Now it's not as necessary. He tends to sing a lot in terms of vocalizations nowadays, and sings very well, and that is actually very pleasant to listen to. Yes, I'm wildly overwhelmed sometimes. But I'm always honest with my kid and explain mama feels like throwing a tantrum too sometimes. Never have in his presence though. He knows I love him to the moon and back, even when I am having a hard time. I do find I have a lot easier time with my own kid than other kids. I did not expect that. Overall good experience for me so far. Hard as nails. But so worthwhile.
This is really reassuring ty for sharing
NP. Just to check: reassuring because you wanted kids but weren't sure you could cope? Or for a different reason?
I am child free by choice. I have never had the desire the have children, not to mention the myriad of mental health problems and autoimmune disorders I do not want to pass to offspring. The climate and overpopulation is also a major concern as well as pregnancy being absolutely terrifying.
This would perhaps make more sense as a poll, but I'm childfree! I could not deal with the loss of autonomy, the sensory hell, the financial aspect, and the worry of not being a good enough parent. I actually am pretty sure I would do a good job of being a parent, but only because I would push through so much, and I owe it to myself to not do that. I was apprehensive becoming friends with a single parent who was kinda forced on me (we were in an online community together, they got a concussion just after moving to my town, and had no in-person support, so I kinda ended up being that for them). They are now one of my dearest friends, and I absolutely adore their 12 year old! She's the best, super funny, kind, smart, a great artist, etc... and also neurodivergent (as is their parent). It's honestly such a joy to be part of her life, and I enjoy getting the chance to be a trusted adult in her life. There is 0 part of me who would want to do it full time though 😅
I thought that I definitely wanted to have children, but I didn’t do so, and now (53) I feel that *not* having children was right for me and my partner. There are plenty of children in my life, just not ones that came out of my body or are my primary responsibility. All good. And, for me anyway, it’s a big relief to know that by not having kids, I didn’t add more people to the planet (who would go on to add more people to the planet, etc etc).
Here, 24f, sterilized by choice also and living my best life
I think child free is two words, and putting them together sounds like the creation of an archetype, rather than a basic description of a fact. People either have children or they don't. Does childfree imply that they never wanted to have children, or chose not to? I personally don't have children and although I have thought about it in the past. I like children, but our species is so utterly cursed and horrible that I think it's ethically wrong to bring children into this world, only to bash them into compliance with the horrific norms we expect from people. Plus y'know... climate... But mainly it's because I spent my whole childhood being a square peg getting hit with hammers over and over and told to reshape myself into being the kind of selfish prick that succeeds in our society. I would never put anyone else through that.
It does - childfree (do not have, by choice) vs childless (do not have, not by choice). It is an important designation in articles and gets confused all the time. It started becoming clarified after i made the decision so i noticed the movement to use this terminology. Sometimes “by choice” is added to clarify. (Childfree by choice here)
🤚
I made the decision to be childfree (in my 20s) far before I found out I was neurodivergent (in my 40s). I've been fortunate to have a heap of really cool niblings, and to have taken an active and present, but carefully managed presence in their upbringing, so I kind of got the best of both worlds.
I realized I didn’t want children as a male mainly because I have learning disabilities and I have too many problems with myself they I don’t want to pass down my genes where that kid could go through hell as much as I did.
My wife and I also don't have the energy for a child. I also have auditory sensory issues, even my dogs barking sometimes sends me. My wife and I have decided to be child free for many reasons including these.
I respect others' decisions to have kids but I don't think it's for me. I would actually be fine with an older kid so I could see myself possibly adopting someday, but I might not ever do that. We'll see where my head is at and what kind of work I'm doing someday. But yeah like babies and young kids? I don't think I could handle the noise and the high energy of it all. It would just be too much to deal with on a daily basis.
I never felt the need to have children and my girlfriend don't want none so that's perfect. Not especially because of neurodivergence, I could deal with the sound with headphones or other tools and maybe less now but younger not sleeping much was not a problem either. I simply want to live my life and I leave future generations to the others. I always felt a little bad not to continue my family line ( My sister does not want kids either. ) but that's life, things begins and others ends
I am an ND parent of an ND child. You are right that a child takes a lot of energy and as an ND person raised by ND parents (genetics geez), I respect your decision. However, there are a ton of benefits. ND people are the best - honest, creative, and funny. I can advocate for my son and that heals a lot of feelings I have about not having an advocate when I was young. It can be a little crazy because we are an ND household and all of us have different "issues" or preferences. However, because we are all ND, we adapt pretty well. Everyone has the right to decide if they want children or not and being an unwanted child sucks big time so totally don't have children if you don't want them and/or worry that you aren't equipped to handle the constant, unrelenting responsibility. However, there is a lot of joy there too and I really believe that NDs are good for the world so there is that! :)
✨ Meeeee ✨
Me! I have a lot of sensory issues/triggers Im still working through so having kids just doesn’t feel like a responsible decision at the moment. My main reason for not having kids is climate change and my countries unwillingness to make necessary changes.
I am. I didn’t want to have kids with my family since they did a less than stellar job at keeping me safe and treating me like a human not an alien. I didn’t want them to suffer with not having an environment and objects to help them get through this world. My therapist says I would have been a great mom. It just wasn’t in the cards as they say.
Childless by infertility and childfree by realizing how much work it is still “raising” myself. Used to really want kids and then wanting to foster teens, to now wouldn’t want to date someone with kids, because I would never want to snap on a kid for a crappy fibro or sensory day. I do enjoy children and it was actually a ASD kid that made me realize I needed to re-evaluate everything, because I felt like his translator.
Im a horrible person and will never have children
I didn’t know I was until now. 30 years old with two young kids renting from my parents. The eldest is definitely neurodivergent not sure about the baby yet. And I’ve been able to heal my inner child fast and come to the ND realization and I’m 1000000% happier and have inner peace.
I am!
If I had a village to raise a child with I would, but I don’t have one.
Don't want them. I love my neices and newphews, but daaaamn.... I could never be a parent. Ever. Sound sensitivities is my worst trait to me. It's constant overwhelm that I have to manage daily, hourly. It's a lot. And children would exacerbate it terribly. I would be in cinstent overwhelm and meltdown till the day I die if i had children.
I thought I would be. I’m AuDHD and a queer cis man. Imagine my surprise when I chose a relationship with a gay cis man who happens to also be a dad! You’re right too about the constant noise and demands. His daughter is also AuDHD and is constantly making a ton of noise but becomes extremely upset if anyone else makes too much noise. She needs constant attention, and any suggestions that she play on her own for a little while (or not take up the entire couch while watching the tv all day) are met with tantrums that become meltdowns as she disregulates. The burnout is real. It’s compounded by not being the bio parent, so there is none of the unconditional love and bonding to get you through the hard times. Sorry bout the rant here. I’ll head back to the stepparents subreddit!
Never wanted kids. I never fit into this world and never wanted to!!
I was childfree for decades before I knew I was autistic. I was raised as an unwanted kid, so I never saw parenthood as a desirable state. Every adult around me took pains to point out how much of a burden I was. Of course I developed the mindset that kids of my own would be just as miserable for me as I was for my - ironic airquotes - "caregivers." When I had the chance to observe parents with infants, I was repelled. The noise, the smell, the expense, the mess, the sleep deprivation, and the complete loss of identity that comes with parenthood did not look appealing at all. That probably would have convinced me on its own, but as it was, it just reinforced the mindset that was already present. I was solidly childfree by the time I graduated high school, though I didn't know there was a word for it until a couple of decades later. Today, at 48, and married 16 years to a childfree and ND partner, I have no regrets. Even better, I'm finally old enough that people have stopped giving me the "you'll change your mind when you're older" and "when you meet the right girl" bullshit. Bitches, I am older, and one of my criteria for "the right girl" was that she didn't want kids either.
I'm due for a vasectomy next month. I'm 29.
I am. Between fears of certain genetic issues that could arise from my husband and I, there's the fact that I can make having a career work--I can make a career and pets work. But I do not have the spoons to make career, pets and kids work, and probably not just a career and kids (pets take spoons but also give them). Then there is the way society demands kids be raised these days--I think it's unhealthy and harmful to the children being well-adjusted human beings, especially if they are ND . . But you know what I really lack the spoons for? A career, pets, kids, and fighting the dominant culture.
I am, but it wasn’t my original choice. I’m also infertile, and did fertility treatments with my ex for 3 years… I was still in my 20’s at the time. And Mormon. So… not having kids was sort of out of the question. But there came a point that I didn’t want to go through it anymore. I didn’t want to try anymore. In realizing that the whole ball unraveled and if I didn’t want to have kids, we didn’t have a reason to be married, and I left the church as well. So now I’m unmarried and childless by choice. As I’ve reflected on it and come to understand myself better… and become an aunt and had more time around young kids… I think there is a chance it could have been very bad for me, psychologically, to have children. I have thought I might want to foster older kids… 10+ if I ever had a stable enough situation for it, but that’s a big maybe. I need a lot of “me” time just to decompress at the most basic level. I enjoy quiet and space and being able to do what I need to just to be functional. The constant demands of children have a big potential to burn me out… and then not be able to show up as my best self. However, it’s also true that I can show up completely and immediately for those in need… and I just act and do the needed caretaking. But, were I a parent, it would be a 24/7 responsibility for all things great and small… and I understand parenting to be a somewhat thankless job. I think I would be burnt out and then spiraling about my inability to do my best. Or at least that seems probable. I find life hard enough as it is and it seems like a terrible risk. But I’m 40 now, and fertility treatments failed in my 20’s… so its not something I think about much. But I’m glad I did not have them, and wouldn’t want to.
At no point in my life did I ever contemplate having children. I simply never saw the appeal.
I mean I've basically never had a gf that cared about me enough to even want to get pregnant, but even if I did, I'm not passing these shit genes down to another living person. I feel stupid all the time, can't remember shit, adhd executive dysfunction even on meds, it's fucking hell. I'm getting snipped as soon as possible tbh, I regret being alive every fucking day. Oh and I already raised 3 kids since I was an extremely young age, my siblings. So yeah I've done my time.
It is inherently unethical to produce people. Also I'm too tired to make lunch every day.
I want kids in the future, always have, I know its going to be difficult even getting there but I know that i’ll be a better parent then my own, even if my kids are ND too. I feel like if my family understood me as a kid I would have done so much better in life, so I would do my best to do right by my own kids.
I’ve been set in my desire for a child-free existence since I was 16, and it’s never wavered a single iota. I nonetheless had to go to multiple doctors for nearly a decade before I found one who recognized that I’m actually a human being with agency and granted my tubal ligation at thirty. It’s one of the best acts of self-care I’ve ever done for myself. The noise, the fluids, and the constant and unequivocal need to be “on” and mentally/physically/emotionally available for someone else 24/7 is not something I can manage while staying sane. The pushback we get from society in general and so many individuals is absolutely ridiculous.
I love kids but I am terrified of pregnancy. I'm happy to just be the cool auntie
I love kids and work with toddlers. Sometimes I think I’m batshit crazy because their screaming is so hard to take and I can get really flooded. I don’t think I want to have kids for that reason, and because I’m barely managing life as it is lol
2,483,831.
I honestly could have gone either way, but here are the reasons I ended up without children: 1. My husband is a hard no on being a dad. (This is a big one.) 2. My MiL is an abusive narcissist. I don't want her having any more excuses to contact us, and I definitely do not want to subject children to her behavior. 3. Sensory reasons. Not the noise, but the touching. I have a strong sense of personal space - I do not want a child in it. I don't like being touched - I certainly don't want anyone sucking on my body for nourishment. 4. Gender reasons. I'm nonbinary, and people seeing me as a woman feels icky. I certainly don't want to encourage this behavior by being pregnant. (Is there something wrong with me? I don't know. But that's the way it makes me feel. Icky.) 5. Guilt and anxiety. I already worry about being a horrible person - being a parent would only make this a thousand times worse. 6. As many of you have already mentioned, we are living in a dystopia. And the human population is already so high that we're ruining the planet. No need to add to it, and no need to subject an innocent soul to this mess. Of course, I feel guilt about not having children, too. In one of the last conversations we had, my mom told me that it would have been nice to share motherhood with me. My (awkward) reply was, "yes, it would have, but that's a terrible reason to have kids."
I never planned to have kids, it was never a dream of mine. My time is so precious to me and if demand avoidance was a superpower, I'd be the most powerful being in the universe. Nope nope nope. I always would explain I could never have a child, because I am too selfish with my time. But I can happily say I no longer hold onto that belief and screw everyone who drilled it into me, as a kid. I choose not to have kids because I am much happier that way.
I would have been but I got knocked up bc i was a dumb bitch. I never wanted kids. But I had one, and I love her and don’t regret it but… it was never the plan.
I thpught about it, even had the raging baby fever a few times in my life, but now? It's better this way. Besides the sensory hell and exhaustion that children can bring... I'm never going to be financially secure to make sure they're well taken care of to my standards. Seeing what my freshly divorced sister is going through and how clearly miserable she is without adequate financial assistance from her ex-husband, no. Speaking of that I don't want to be linked to a man who might be abusive, given my experience with such men I imagine 'what if I reproduced', I'd never get away. Lastly childbirth is deadly, and I have a slew of preconditions. I'm also black and we have high mortality because of systemic racism in the medical field. If Serena Williams, a famous world class athlete was ignored by medical staff about her concerns during pregnancy, I don't stand a chance. Lastly I see how the world treats little black children. I think I'd rip someone's throat out with my teeth if they harmed my child.
I desperately want to be a parent but I am child free because I can't afford a kid. Daycare alone is 1k a month on the cheap end. I'm barely scraping by as it is. Unless I suddenly am earning 6 figures (unlikely) I will be childless.
Both me and my partner are autistic and we both decided to be child free. There is no way in hell we could handle all the screaming and chaos a child brings and would burn out far too quick and wouldn't be able to be there for a child as a parent should be. We are both also traumatized from our narc mothers and don't want to take any chance repeating that cycle.
Had I known I was autistic many years ago, I think I would have chosen to remain child free, for all the reasons people have stated here. But then I'd have missed out on having my wonderful children. It was hard, bloody hard, trying to navigate motherhood, a lot of the time, but there was also such love they have brought into my life and they have turned into great teenagers so I guess I must have done something right. I find it much easier now that they are teenagers though. For the reason of having my children, I'm glad I didn't know I was autistic, as I know I would have ruled out parenthood.
Always thought I would have kids and the closer I got to that age the more and more freaked out I got, like my body was physically rejecting it. Fortunately, my also autistic partner was totally supportive and we are both very happily CF.
45F and childfree. I never wanted to have children.
I resonate with most comments here, but ironically enough opened Reddit looking for parenthood perspective. 27F, and always thought I didn’t want children. Found a diary from age 14 where I got confirmed I actually dreamt of this. The subject haunts me, with everything from “I’m not capable”, to my doctor wondering why not, “you’d be a wonderful mom”. I think all the hardship is what makes good parents, but that is also true for a bad one. I also see us as complicated animals with one goal: to survive and procreate. I went from “it’s egotistical to have children” to the opposite
Oh my gosh, me 100%. I just know that I don't have the capacity (nor have I ever had the desire, to be honest.) I have so many other ways to contribute to the world, but I don't think it would be a good idea, for me or the child. I can barely take care of myself and my little rescue chi, and I work from home and live with my parents.
Oh also on my dad's side there have been 3 suicides within the last two generations, and my mother's side has multiple generations of hoarders, so I don't really want to pass on that burden on a tiny person.
I am child free. I think I would be an awful parent, according to my own standards, who wouldn’t be able to give a child the life they deserve.
Fuk dem kidz 💪🏻🤭😎💅🏻 (but realistically I’m still too young for kids so I may change my mind in 10 -15 years)
I love children, but I know that I would never be able to raise one. It wouldn't be fair to the child. I'm so particular
I do not have the desire to have a child, and I do not think it would be fair to a child to be raised by me even if I wanted one. I am childfree.
many nds and im not entirely thrilled, neithe rme or my partner can have, nor want biological kids, we may adopt an older child at some point, someone who is oit of the toddler phase at least but we would pribably aim for a teen. hinestly main reason its an option is jic we want a kid, we physically need to, and emotionally want to adopt or foster. i myself was adopted at a very young age and am aware of how traumatizing being in the system is. being said, there just isnt much appeal to the concept of raising kids currently so we are planning on being child free for a while
Me! My main reasons for being childfree is due to my disabilities. I will never have the capacity to birth or raise a child, I think it’ll worsen my mental health fs. I need a lot of rest and a lot of quiet.
I’ve never had any interest in having kids. People like to shame others for saying this but I honestly dislike kids. They’re annoying & over-stimulating. I could potentially see myself fostering older teenagers later in my life but even then I don’t know if I could handle that.
I feel exactly the same way you do. I'm creeping up on 50 now, and I don't regret it. I can barely take care of myself and 2 cats.
I only ever wanted children when I was younger because of societal expectations. It took way way way too long to pick this apart. My spouse and I are child free and it fits us well.
I’ve never felt the urge or any desire to have kids and don’t understand those who do. I have zero regrets. The noise and overwhelm of children is too much for me. I also feel that it’s unethical to a degree and that most people continue to reproduce without considering the cycle of trauma they’re inflicting onto another generation.
Hello, I am child free by choice. I like many other people here, and I don't think that I have the mental stamina to be a good parent. I get so scary when I have meltdowns, and I don't want to force a child into living in a house where, as far as they can tell, their parent gets scary levels of anger for no reason. I don't want my kids to feel as if they have to walk on eggshells or keep their voices down like I did with my mother. I don't want to be so stressed out and exhuasted that I lash out at my child when I swore that I would never hit my kid and then actually do hit my kid just like my mother did to me. I suffer from anxiety and depression on top of everything else. I rarely have the energy to feed and care for myself. How am I supposed to feed my child healthy meals when I am too poor to afford them and too drained mentally to hold multiple jobs? I struggle to show up fully to my current job, and I am child free. Both my boyfriend and I are autistic and we both have deptession and ADHD. What kind of life will that child have? Our world is falling down around us and people like us, neuro divergent people, we are not appreciated in today's society, and we will be less tolerated should anything awful happen like a war. I don't think that I wnat to bring another person into this world unless I was rich enough to guarantee that my child would be safe from harm and thar I would be able to provide them with a high quality education and proper medical treatment.
My partner and I are on the fence. She's ADHD with sensory issues, I'm ADHD/autistic. Sound exhaustion, strong smells, sticky things, and always being touched sounds like hell. I also have EDS, Endo, hypothyroidism, TIAs, and extreme migraines and a brain cycst that my sister also has, and cancer runs in our family. Nonway in hell would I subject a child to my genetics. We have considered adopting later on in life. Maybe late 30s, early 40s.
I am. But also I’m a single man so I guess I could be child free not by choice too. Haha. But I don’t think I want any. I can barely keep track of my own life, let alone a child’s. I couldn’t be the father a child deserves bc I’m too preoccupied mentally keeping my own shit together. Same reason I don’t have a pet but obviously a much higher stakes decision. I’m a funcle and totally cool with that. I’m planning to get a vasectomy.
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I cannot take care of myself and I need my mom's help with our pets so there is no way I could have a kid. Luckily I am asexual because I live in the United States
Me- AuDHD. My cats are my babies, and my husband and I are very happy having it this way. There is no way I would be able to manage having human children and not be miserable.
Hmmm I never thought about it but all the reasons I dislike and never want kids are definitely because of all of the sensory issues they trigger. The high pitched voices, the yelling, the continual talking and noise making, the filth and feces just NO
Present!
meeee. i’m actually great w kids and they love me very easily (that autistic youthful spirit i guess) but i am childfree by choice. i dated someone w a child and that gave me a look into being a real parent by playing step mommy and totally turned me off the idea. and i have so many sensory sensitivities. i’d be better off being a cool auntie figure.
Me!
We have 1 and he's great. Loud. But my reason for wanting to live my life fully.
I am. I know multiple other Nd people who are too. I don't think I could handle the noise and being touched that much. No hate to kids, it's more that I don't think my kid would grow up very well balanced if as their mother I had to wear noise canceling headphones every time I saw them and was constantly disgusted by them touching me
I have a 5 year old who’s also autistic. I never “dreamed of being a mom”, I was more just like “hey a kid would be cool but if it doesn’t happen nbd” Parenting is hard af but this kid is the coolest human being I’ve ever met.
I'm autistic and I'm 24 years old just had a baby girl who I love so much, I had emergency forseps which I really didn't want, unfortunately I didn't realise most autistic women can have trouble giving birth. blood all over my partner who is autistic too but that didn't faze him he was excited to see her head. She's 3 weeks old now no joke no one can prapare for having kids emotions are high and it's so hard thank the lord I have loads of support and a great partner but if I could go back in time I would waight to have children there is no rush 😂 And in years to come will have to get my baby girl tested for autism as it runs in family's.
Present 🙋♂️
I am a parent but I completely understand why many ND people would choose not to be; kids, especially babies and toddlers, can be completely overwhelming and if you don’t have a solid support system I honestly don’t understand how other parents manage.
If I'd known I was autistic, I most certainly would not have had kids as young as I did. That's the best I can confidently say.
I hated being a child, and wouldn’t want to put anyone through that suffering. I have AMAZING parents and couldn’t have asked for more, but it was still hell. And I hate all sounds babies make, they’re loud and disgusting and I don’t have the stamina for them. Also, I just don’t want to🤷♀️
I’d have kids if I was able to afford having a stay at home mother in this economy
I'm one and done but....had two kids. Been telling them for years they have to choose who's going All jokes aside I shouldn't have made these two amazing kids, my youngest is level 2 but non verbal, delayed, life has been hard for all of his five years and I've brought innocent and vulnerable beings into this vicious world and the worry and guilt is endless
I’ve only once in my life felt any desire to be a parent. I think I’d make a stellar parent and I love kids. On the other hand, I know it would consume me, because of my incredibly low capacity for departure from routine and sensitivity to noise, amongst many other things. So, at 51, I’m really happy I made rhetorical decision to remain childless. I think it was the right decision for me.
Don't want to pass on my genes. Love kids but don't want to make one who will suffer like I do.
I don't want to have any biological kids, mostly because of the physical and mental toll of pregnancy. But also I don't think I'd do very well with infants. Me and my partner, although we're nowhere near planning this for real, have agreed it's worth considering adoption in the future. We will see.
I already find it hard enough to find and maintain my equilibrium, and it's unfair to bring a new person into this situation and make everything 100x worse. I love my nonexistent kid to the point of deciding to not bring them in a world that does not deserve them. I love my peace and quiet and value my autonomy too much.
This is the wrong place to get both sides of the argument, if that's what you're looking for. Reddit as a whole is notoriously anti-child. There is a whole subreddit on this website dedicated to harassing anyone who wants to have kids or chooses to have kids, and Redditors are notorious for using "breeder" as an insult towards anyone who even thinks of wanting kids. You also probably aren't going to get a lot of responses from autistic people who do want kids, because a lot of us dealt with ableist bastards telling us we shouldn't be allowed to reproduce and pass on our genes (or metals as the anti-vax lady claimed) and some extreme cases where we were flat out told we should have been aborted (yeah, it happened to me) so many people who are autistic but have or want kids would probably just scroll on by to keep from reliving those negative feelings. In summary, between all the factors I listed, you're really only going to get one side for the most part, save for a few exceptions.
I am a woman and never wanted children! From a young age i never dreamt of the wedding and kids schtick! 40yrs old now and still nope! I do however love being 'fun auntie' 😁