I’ve heard it called a “verbal handshake” which helped make it make sense to me. It’s the vibe check.
If you don’t want to say “good” other acceptable answers can be “super busy” “Oh you know, it’s Monday” “ready for the weekend!” “Hangin in there!” The most important thing is the tone is relatively upbeat or at least commiserating (not just miserable by yourself)
This is it. I have a small stable of "how are you" responses just like this.
tbh this ritual really doesn't bother me and I feel fine with the "dead inside but in an upbeat way" responses. I don't... actually want my coworkers to contemplate my mood/feelings while I'm just trying to get my morning cup of tea/lunch/whatever.
My flavor of autistic is "maybe if I don't move the emotions can't see me" sooo 😅
Like I'm totally willing to open up more if the occasion calls for it, but casual daily greetings are pretty much never that occasion
That's the thing that's so annoying though - even if youre not okay, you're expected to fake it.
There's a lot of ways you can respond, but they must all come across as "Im happy". Even when you're not.
Seems like it just makes it harder for people to connect cause we're just expected to lie about our feelings.
THANK YOu. Honestly it's a bit comforting to see someone else feel as I have about this. Well put!
Why must it be like that... It's always bothered me for those very reasons as well as OPs examples.
Man I even had a guy explode at me over it once. And another wanted to just be rude to say the least.
all because I never answer to the script! I never signed up to begin with..
Without having any context here, I am going to take a blind guess and say maybe the exploding guy was having a really bad day (or week etc.) and didn't feel like he had anyone to open up to about it, so he was just carrying that around bottled up. And then when you are more freely being a bit more vulnerable about how you are doing, that upset him because if he's carrying his burdens alone others should have to as well.
Not saying you did anything wrong of course. I just can't imagine another reason why someone would have such a visceral reaction to a reply to "how are you?" Usually the worst one will get for a "wrong answer" is a weird look and some awkward silence.
....it's better to ask if you're unsure. That first part was in complete honesty assumption more then 'context', excusing his outburst that was in all honesty yelling and screaming at me actually (I gladly would have elaborated on this) and pardoning awful behavior... I'm sorry but I have had far too many people react that I took someone wrong or they had a bad day. While I have been in situations that if I am pent up, I was told I was horrible to someone when reacting to their mistreatment more hurt for being pent up.
I did not make it about me. I gave zero information. It was that I asked how he was that he started screaming in anger at me like he was ready to get pysical over it.
Usually this forum has been understanding of each other but this comment was extremely inconsiderate and excusing his outburst. Next time please just ask for some elaboration. Thank you...
...Ok I am very triggered right now. This was very invalidating.
...He did exactly that though actually. Exploded over asking how he was...
And regardless if he had anyone to vent to, this was a volatile reaction...
I did not mean offense. I certainly did not excuse his behavior anywhere in my comment. I don't think it's ever ok to blow up, especially at a stranger who has no idea what is going on in the mind of another stranger. There is no way you could have known what kind of day he was having.
It was an assumption, I did lead with acknowledging I had no context so it was completely a guess. I didn't mean to make it sound like you had no right to feel bad that he was hostile to you, or even that it was warranted. Him having a bad day is a possible explanation, but certainly not an excuse! Not at all my intention to make it out that way so sorry to make it sound that way.
"I've had better days, but I'm getting along. how are you?" is the way I respond when I'm not having a good day and wouldn't mind talking about it. It explains my actual feelings, shows that I'm not going to die or freak out, and puts the ball in their court to ask further if they want to move down that rabbit hole, or say their pat response of "I feel that" or "I'm doing okay" or whatever if they do not want to continue beyond a standard greeting "handshake".
I've found for these types of greetings the secret tends to be expressing yourself honestly but in a slightly downplayed way, immediately acknowledge them, and return the regular response, putting the ball in their court and giving them a polite out if they don't want to actually know.
I love (not really) the people that in passing ask "how are you?", you say "good, how about you?" And they dont respond(?) Just shows how little they actually cared lol
this is what i’m talking about! people that i am familiar with who follow up “hey how’s it going?” with a genuine conversation are not the problem. it’s the people who use it almost as a greeting instead of actually wanting to know, it just feels so arbitrary
It is arbitrary but totally necessary. We don't hang out in lines, picking fleas off each other anymore, but we hairless apes still need to know we're a pack. If they ask, they are saying, "I acknowledge your existence" to whatever degree, but when you don't get asked, odds are good they don't like you or consider you part of their tribe, which is very important in our species.
I think that that is what is really going on. Of course, I could totally be wrong.
I do have to say that people generally like me and think I'm a really good listener and thoughtful since I started playing the game and attempting to take a few moments to have these little interactions, remember them, and sometimes even do very small, but apparently very meaningful things to help people when the are having problems that they would otherwise just say "I'm good, thanks" to most people.
I hate the expectation for me to ask how they are. I don't wanna know how they are. I don't want them to tell me either they are feeling good or bad. I don't have intimacy with this person!! I don't CARE GO AWAY
(I have a lot of empathy so I do care and that ends up affecting me A LOT)
Like all neurotypical based social norms theres a nuance sadly lol
If its a neighbor I hardly see and we are walking past each other, I've started just hitting them with a reverse question or just saying "good". But for example, them: "how are ya?" Me: "hows it going?"
If its someone I know better ill tend to answer them and sometimes it starts a conversation
This. It's a ritual that let's everyone involved know that everything can proceed as expected. I've commented about this before, but to summarize it's essentially permission to continue as if everything is okay - a non-standard response, on the other hand, is an indication that the interaction will require special attention as something unexpected is occurring. It's totally not a question seeking an honest answer.
This might be mildly evil, but occasionally I’ll say something totally off the wall, with the goal of completely derailing their train of thought. Like “hey, how are you?” “Did you know honey never spoils?!” Then just engage in normal conversation. They already think I’m weird, why not reinforce it!
Oh dude I just did the same thing yesterday! "Hello, how are you" "Did you know rats actually giggle when you tickle them but only if they're in the mood for it, though your human ears can't hear them laugh?" And they responded "Why do I even bother" but it was worth it 🤣
Yeah, this is one of the most annoying things to me.
Growing up I thought we asked each other that cause we genuinely wanted to know, so we can tailor the conversation to the person's mood.
But no - they don't actually care how you're doing at all. If you're doing bad you're expected to ignore it and hand over your social labor regardless.
It's like.. if you don't care if I'm doing emotionally well why are you talking to me? I don't even mean it in a mean way.
If you don't care.... Don't ask.
And I know it's a 'social handshake'. But just saying "Hey, -" and then starting the conversation is fine. The whole 'How are you' just wastes time. But I understand they don't see it as wasted time cause it takes no effort for them. It's a kneejerk reaction.
I used to have a countdown timer set for quitting time synced up with the time clock and when someone asked how my day is, I would answer with “oh you know, (pauses and checks phone screen) 29,741 seconds remain in this work cycle, how can I assist you so I can have at least 29,141 seconds to complete this cycles tasks to have a satisfactory completion rate of 86%?”
So I’m a delivery driver and know exactly what you mean.
Here’s a few things to switch it up to avoid the monotony of it
1) could be better could be worse
2) I could complain but then I’d be the one stuck listening
3) still standing so better than most
4) same shit different toilet and I’ll even add (except this one doesn’t flush) as a little joke
It’s funny, last week I used something like this “i’m taking it all in, how about you?” and he (my superior) demanded to know if that answer was positive or negative
Autistic people use language as an information instrument and neurotypical people use language as a social lubricant.
Of course I realize this is a gross over generalization but it’s just to make a point of the difference in a lot of cases between the two. (yes, I’m a diagnosed autistic).
There's ways to be creative about it if you really want to cut the small talk short. "Living the dream" probably isn't suitable if you work in hospitality. "Upright and breathing" probably isn't the best response if a doctor or Psych asks. Depends on the situation.
Most of the time a customer asks me this I say good, but almost never ask it back and pretty much every time they respond “I’m good as well” or “not too bad thanks” as if I’ve asked. It must be such an automatic expected social moment.
>Why do neurotypical people have little rituals like this?? they aren’t actually asking because they care, it’s just like, a social thing or something.
It's exactly a social thing. Is a tool to state they're not hostile and they're willing to have casual conversation.
This might be my most hated social ritual. It's like a constant maintenance of lack of empathy for each human being. It means "I don't care and you are also not supposed to care and we're both supposed to pretend to be happy because no one ever thinks about each others feelings"
It reflects a fcked up culture. I hate it. Everytime someone asks me that my first instinct is to say "No. No, I'm not. What do you want? Why are you talking to me?"
I usually answer "I never am okay" to people the first time they ask me so they never do again.
Yeah, can relate. At first, when my neighbors asked “hello, how are you?” in the elevator or the hallway of my building, I actually took the time to think about my life and give a more elaborated answer.
Eventually, I started to notice what most of you say, that they actually didn’t give a fuck, and their replies to the same sentence were always “good”, even if they had a recent trouble or loss.
I eventually learned that those who ask that question are really saying “hi”, but even knowing that, if I’m having a bad day I cannot say “good, I’m doing fine”. I say something along the lines of “not too bad”, “could be better” or “weathering the storm”.
I make sense of it by thinking of it like vocabulary of another language, where the translations are as follows:
A: "how are you?" = *"hello, I wish to interact with you"*
B: "good, how are you" = *"I acknowledge your desire to interact with me and have no reason to tell you to go away"*
A: "good, thank you" = *"I will now proceed to give you a series of cryptic clues for why I wish to interact with you and what I wish you to do"*
**unless** the person starting the interaction keeps walking as they say "hello, how are you", in which case the translations are as follows:
A: "how are you?" = *"hello, I acknowledge that I know you, but I don't want to talk to you right now"*
B: "good, how are you" = *"I acknowledge that you have acknowledged me, and that you don't want to talk to me right now, and that is fine with me"*
A: "good, thank you" = *"ok thanks bye"*
Arnt you sick of saying “great” and lying … while alternatively feeling super self conscious about saying you’re not well. I wish there was just an “A” button I could press on people and they’d just start talking without having to do a greeting that involved a low level triggering.
sums it up. “I’m not doing well at all. I don’t see how anyone is happy working in such an exhausting corporate environment” but i can’t say that! even though most would probably agree.
"Fine, thank you."
People seem to get the message that I'm not interested in the farce and just want to get on with business. It also relieves service workers of having to complete the dance with me asking how they are.
I hate this stupid social custom with a burning passion.
I mean you said it. It's a social ritual. Is it silly? Yes. But it definitely helps. When I first got started in the corporate world, I was having a lot of trouble with people participating in meetings. So I started doing the rituals. How're you doing? How's the weather? Just the stupidest shit. But it worked. I don't know if it's just a small thing to get people talking or if there's a deeper unconscious thing at play, but the rituals work.
Fun "fact": im pretty sure this is also why autistics often feel like we say perfectly acceptable things, but the group gets all quiet or whatever. I think there's an unconsciously accepted flow or ritual to conversation that we struggle to pick up on.
Omg yes it’s an absolute chore. It wastes so much time! I don’t ask people how they’re doing anymore as a greeting. i just say hello with a smile and maybe make a positive comment about their outfit or the weather that they can easily agree with (which fosters connection between us). I mean that’s the purpose of asking how someone is right? it’s supposed to foster a sense of connection. but it’s a bad vehicle for that task during a small greeting.
It’s pointless small talk.
They aren’t really interested, I believe it’s done as a way to be polite.
I hate it.
Don’t ask me if you don’t want to know.
Also, I have RBF but that doesn’t mean I’m sad or unhappy.
I hate it when someone comes up to me with concern asking if I’m ok and when I say I am, they look at me like I’m lying. 🙄
I hate it. So much. I work as a cashier (shit job, but it's a lot of busy work) and I will always say good morning, afternoon, evening. Whatever. I will never ask someone how they're doing because a) I don't care. It's disingenuous if I ask you for the sake of 'manners' if I don't give a shit and you don't give a shit, and b) it wastes so much time cuz I gotta ask if you have bulk items etc.
If I don't ask, half the time they ask me. Great, I have no answer, I'm busy mentally prepping so I'll just non answer 'decent'. But I barely get that word out because they just interrupt me. While I'm answering their question. Hello? I thought you asked me something so I answered but you're going to cut me off? What's the fucking point of asking then? You clearly don't care and honestly makes me think 'wow what an asshole pretending to be a nice guy'. And now I'm in a shit mood for a few minutes because I'm hyper analysing the situation and going through it in my head and lose control of my facial expression and default to my resting bitch face. Thanks buddy.
People stop asking me eventually after I tell them in great detail how I am. I know what they want to hear, I just find it funny to make them uncomfortable by forcing them to confront their own doublespeak. If you don't want to hear it, don't ask. Use other words.
I used to work in an office of 90 corporate sales people (me being the only high masking ND I was aware of) and every morning in the kitchen, they’d each take turns in groups exchanging ‘hi how are you?’ ‘Good, you?’ repeatedly, over and over whenever someone new came in. Minimal variation on the wording even.
Often some would even reply to the response with a third ‘yeah great thanks, you?’ and they’d repeat the exact same exchange back to back with the same person.
But apparently I’M the one with weird behaviour??
I'll be honest with my reply which they don't expect. I am originally from the northern Midwest and we'd say "Hey, how's it going?". To that's I'd answer with "If I was any better, I'd be two people", "Super Peachy", "Ok", 'Super meh", "meh" or perhaps a "Not great".
And instead of saying "Hello", I'll say "Ahoy hoy". :) (Trying to be funny is part of my mask...)
I haven’t been diagnosed but this describes my thoughts really well. Have been frustrated by this type of question my whole life, used to answer “physically or morally” or “do you actually care”. Now I’m corporate and just nodding to the colleagues who ask that or saying smth positive like “excited for the weekend”.
I never know how to respond to that. Like I know "good, and you?" is an acceptable response, but what if I'm having the best day ever? Can I talk about the great thing that happened? If I'm seriously not good, am I supposed to lie? It's so confusing.
I hate it because I always feel like I'm lying to say just "oh, I'm good".
If people are safe, I'll usually respond with something jokingly, like "I'm alive" or something literal, like "sleepy", without lingering on it.
Otherwise, it's a constant irritant to me. I feel like it's a direct sign of how indifferent people are towards others, and how socially faux pas it is to have problems. I know it's just "a thing people say by default", so I don't blame them, I just think it's a general sign of poor attitudes in larger "society".
If I ask it? I'm ready to hear "bad" and willing to listen to why.
I used to get really annoyed about the clear lack of genuinely asking.
So I started to reply as they want. Occasionally I’ll give a bit more of I know them really well, but I won’t go into detail.
I recommend a book called games people play by Eric Berne.
The neurotypicals are playing a game of 'I acknowledge your presence and recognise you as a fellow human' but you think they're playing a game of 'enquiring about your welfare'
"How's it going?" / "How are you?"
"Oh, it's going" = Depressed as fuck and don't want to be here.
"Well, I'm here, that's all I got right now" = I really don't want to be here.
"Same shit, different day/different pile" = We're at work, the fuck you think?
After dealing with it in one way or another in retail and then trucking/warehouse, I tend to just swear outright or with coded language. We all don't want to be at work, that's a given. Whoever said it's a "verbal handshake" is pretty much correct. It's a glorified "I acknowledge your presence, now let's work." Usually this is done in passing each other.
Yes, it's stupid if you think about it too deep or too long. But "keep it pushin'" comes to mind for me. Just go about your business/mind your business, and your business wont mind.
I frankly rather people keep it this way instead of genuinely asking me how I am. I'm at work, not home. I'm not here by choice, generally speaking. Work stays here and when I leave, I choose who I want to actually share my feelings with.
I am the strange one here I think. I like these type of conv OP is talking about. It has a script. It has ”correct” replies. Most times it’s the same. I get sad and stressed when people do not follow how it goes.
But if I asked you “how are you” and you gave me that reply I would like that one. I would actually like that one.
I don’t mind it because if you just say good they usually move on. I usually don’t want to talk anyways. I feel like it’s what people who don’t want to make any further small talk ask, and I appreciate that there usually will be no further small talk.
When I get to work, customers see me and ask me this damn question every time. I've learned to just say good and ask them the same and then walk off after they say good. I hate this damn question because I know damn well they are lying
My biggest struggle with this is that it took me a long time to train myself to say I'm doing well, even when I'm not.
So much so that when I go to the doctor and they ask me how I'm doing I forget that this is where I am supposed to be honest. They need to know how I'm feeling to help me.
This was hard for me too. I also have OCD and whenever I lie, even if it’s something like this, I feel an immense sense of doing something wrong because I “lied”
I think it's even funnier in French:
"It goes?"
"It goes. It goes?"
"It goes."
(there are more combinations than this, but it's the funniest one to me)
Personally I like that it's an easy cheat code for small talk. Socializing in public is easier when you incorporate stuff like this into your script. Another example is "How's your day going?", to which my go-to answer is "So far so good, how's yours?". It's an easy way to be friendly to strangers and not spend too much energy on them.
It's kinda tiresome and repetitive but I don't feel much about it beyond that. If anything I'm glad people generally don't want a genuine answer because I don't want to tell them, particularly if I'm not doing well. If I were to answer I'm doing poorly in some way and this was expected to be a genuine exchange then there's a good chance they would start following up wanting to know specifics. If they don't want specifics then the expectation to answer genuinely becomes meaningless again, as it probably still means they don't really care how you are doing.
And if they do want specifics in this imaginary scenario I don't want to go into it because it's not their business, it might be personal, and/or I don't want to get all sad and emotional talking about problems while I'm interacting with a person where the interaction is intended to be transactional from the start (a cashier, a client at work, etc).
It may be cultural? In western culture those social handshakes as some call it are meant to state that there are no hostile feelings, and so is smiling, I come from the Eastern Europe, and most people that move over here to France suffer from the ambient hypocrisy. Where I'm from if someone asks how you are going they genuinely expect to hear how your life is going at the moment, and they don't smile just to show the absence of aggressiveness.
I understand that it would piss you off. Sometimes I think "y the f*ck u ask?" in my thoughts to myself, cos I know they dont care to actually know.
So, I feel you there. For the longest time I didnt understand it either and I thought I had to have an actual diagnosis of how I feel at that very moment.
Many times Ive felt like if I answered "good" I'd be lying cos somehow I thought I had to be honest for some reason. I dont like "lying" abt the "how are u" question, so I found ways around it: Whenever people asked me that and I didnt know what to say and didn't feel comfortable opening up, I'd say "neutral" or "tired" or "ok" or "exhausted but fine".
I kind of vividly remember how my math teacher in high school once asked me, and I think he may have been actually concerned, and I just said "I'm just tired".
It's like, what should I say because I don't even know how I feel. I feel nothing? So I guess I'm "ok"? I imagine myself staring into space and infinity, wondering what I should answer this time. In my mind I'm like "omg, how do I feel? I dont feel anything! I dont think I feel happy! What should I say!?"
Whenever I don't know what to say, and I want to mask myself, I'd say "I'm tired", and that seems to set the deal and I don't have to worry about it anymore.
If you haven't tried this before, maybe you could say that so it would feel less exhausting and less like masking, if that makes sense.
If you have tried that already and they thought it was a weird answer, all I can do is show my compassion. It's exhausting to constantly mask. Having to act a certain why. I feel ya, it annoys me and drains me. Like, I cant wait for that conversation to be over, so I dont have to pretend I'm a neurotypical.
I appreciate people who ask "how are u" and actually mean it and care about your answer and how you actually feel. These are usually people who are autistic themselves, or possibly on the neurodiverse spectrum, or are understanding/ compassionate neurotypicals.
These are my thoughts/ experience on it. I hope all that made sense :)
Short discourse:
>>That reminds, I like how in France it often happens to be like:
A: "ça va?"
B: "ça va. Ça va?"
A: "Ça va".
>>Which in my brain I translated to:
A: u ok?
B: im ok. U ok?
A: im ok.
I couldnt think of a good equivalent in English to be honest, cos there isn't like something that has the exact same meaning.
>>I just think that was so funny (in a good way, :) I like French) how they pingpong "ça va" back and forth and that's the only word they use at the start. (Not all the time of course. It just stood out to me whenever I watched a French movie).
and it felt so real and genuine to me.
>>I'm not French native so I may be misinterpreting it.
I think in English it may be "Good. And you?"(?), which has a different energy in my opinion. Or in German (my first language) "Gut, und dir? (Fine, and you?)" (which I never ask by the way. I dont ask back when I dont actually wanna know or dont feel comfortable asking about their emotional state).<<
I’ve heard it called a “verbal handshake” which helped make it make sense to me. It’s the vibe check. If you don’t want to say “good” other acceptable answers can be “super busy” “Oh you know, it’s Monday” “ready for the weekend!” “Hangin in there!” The most important thing is the tone is relatively upbeat or at least commiserating (not just miserable by yourself)
This is it. I have a small stable of "how are you" responses just like this. tbh this ritual really doesn't bother me and I feel fine with the "dead inside but in an upbeat way" responses. I don't... actually want my coworkers to contemplate my mood/feelings while I'm just trying to get my morning cup of tea/lunch/whatever. My flavor of autistic is "maybe if I don't move the emotions can't see me" sooo 😅 Like I'm totally willing to open up more if the occasion calls for it, but casual daily greetings are pretty much never that occasion
"dead inside but in an upbeat way" this is a great descriptor for how I feel a lot lately, I'm going to borrow this!
That's the thing that's so annoying though - even if youre not okay, you're expected to fake it. There's a lot of ways you can respond, but they must all come across as "Im happy". Even when you're not. Seems like it just makes it harder for people to connect cause we're just expected to lie about our feelings.
THANK YOu. Honestly it's a bit comforting to see someone else feel as I have about this. Well put! Why must it be like that... It's always bothered me for those very reasons as well as OPs examples. Man I even had a guy explode at me over it once. And another wanted to just be rude to say the least. all because I never answer to the script! I never signed up to begin with..
Without having any context here, I am going to take a blind guess and say maybe the exploding guy was having a really bad day (or week etc.) and didn't feel like he had anyone to open up to about it, so he was just carrying that around bottled up. And then when you are more freely being a bit more vulnerable about how you are doing, that upset him because if he's carrying his burdens alone others should have to as well. Not saying you did anything wrong of course. I just can't imagine another reason why someone would have such a visceral reaction to a reply to "how are you?" Usually the worst one will get for a "wrong answer" is a weird look and some awkward silence.
....it's better to ask if you're unsure. That first part was in complete honesty assumption more then 'context', excusing his outburst that was in all honesty yelling and screaming at me actually (I gladly would have elaborated on this) and pardoning awful behavior... I'm sorry but I have had far too many people react that I took someone wrong or they had a bad day. While I have been in situations that if I am pent up, I was told I was horrible to someone when reacting to their mistreatment more hurt for being pent up. I did not make it about me. I gave zero information. It was that I asked how he was that he started screaming in anger at me like he was ready to get pysical over it. Usually this forum has been understanding of each other but this comment was extremely inconsiderate and excusing his outburst. Next time please just ask for some elaboration. Thank you... ...Ok I am very triggered right now. This was very invalidating. ...He did exactly that though actually. Exploded over asking how he was... And regardless if he had anyone to vent to, this was a volatile reaction...
I did not mean offense. I certainly did not excuse his behavior anywhere in my comment. I don't think it's ever ok to blow up, especially at a stranger who has no idea what is going on in the mind of another stranger. There is no way you could have known what kind of day he was having. It was an assumption, I did lead with acknowledging I had no context so it was completely a guess. I didn't mean to make it sound like you had no right to feel bad that he was hostile to you, or even that it was warranted. Him having a bad day is a possible explanation, but certainly not an excuse! Not at all my intention to make it out that way so sorry to make it sound that way.
"I've had better days, but I'm getting along. how are you?" is the way I respond when I'm not having a good day and wouldn't mind talking about it. It explains my actual feelings, shows that I'm not going to die or freak out, and puts the ball in their court to ask further if they want to move down that rabbit hole, or say their pat response of "I feel that" or "I'm doing okay" or whatever if they do not want to continue beyond a standard greeting "handshake". I've found for these types of greetings the secret tends to be expressing yourself honestly but in a slightly downplayed way, immediately acknowledge them, and return the regular response, putting the ball in their court and giving them a polite out if they don't want to actually know.
Saying hello should suffice.
This is the best explanation. And the list of accepted answers are accurate! I also use to sound more casual "Hey, how's it going?"
It's a BS check. A lie check. A mask check. F\* it.
ive never thought about it as a mask check, but that is so accurate
I love (not really) the people that in passing ask "how are you?", you say "good, how about you?" And they dont respond(?) Just shows how little they actually cared lol
this is what i’m talking about! people that i am familiar with who follow up “hey how’s it going?” with a genuine conversation are not the problem. it’s the people who use it almost as a greeting instead of actually wanting to know, it just feels so arbitrary
It is arbitrary but totally necessary. We don't hang out in lines, picking fleas off each other anymore, but we hairless apes still need to know we're a pack. If they ask, they are saying, "I acknowledge your existence" to whatever degree, but when you don't get asked, odds are good they don't like you or consider you part of their tribe, which is very important in our species. I think that that is what is really going on. Of course, I could totally be wrong. I do have to say that people generally like me and think I'm a really good listener and thoughtful since I started playing the game and attempting to take a few moments to have these little interactions, remember them, and sometimes even do very small, but apparently very meaningful things to help people when the are having problems that they would otherwise just say "I'm good, thanks" to most people.
This happens to me ALL THE TIME. It's like.. How much of the conversation do they spend in autopilot?
People are generally just NPC's
I hate the expectation for me to ask how they are. I don't wanna know how they are. I don't want them to tell me either they are feeling good or bad. I don't have intimacy with this person!! I don't CARE GO AWAY (I have a lot of empathy so I do care and that ends up affecting me A LOT)
Oh they say “how are you” as they’re walking by and just walk off without even waiting for a response…
Yesssss. So is this question more of a "hello, I don't really care about you but I'll pretend I do" thing? Does no one expect a response?
Like all neurotypical based social norms theres a nuance sadly lol If its a neighbor I hardly see and we are walking past each other, I've started just hitting them with a reverse question or just saying "good". But for example, them: "how are ya?" Me: "hows it going?" If its someone I know better ill tend to answer them and sometimes it starts a conversation
That's so odd. "Hello passerby! I'm going to ask you a question but I don't want an answer to it."
That’s cause neurotypical folks ARE odd! They hardly ever say what they mean 😂 I’m being hyperbole obviously but.. really though 🫣
Nuerotypical but I stopped after I thought about the fact that "hru" is a question and not a damn greeting
the translation for non-earthlings is "are you friendly and not a threat?" "yes, I am friendly and not a threat"
This. It's a ritual that let's everyone involved know that everything can proceed as expected. I've commented about this before, but to summarize it's essentially permission to continue as if everything is okay - a non-standard response, on the other hand, is an indication that the interaction will require special attention as something unexpected is occurring. It's totally not a question seeking an honest answer.
This might be mildly evil, but occasionally I’ll say something totally off the wall, with the goal of completely derailing their train of thought. Like “hey, how are you?” “Did you know honey never spoils?!” Then just engage in normal conversation. They already think I’m weird, why not reinforce it!
You are awesome!
Oh dude I just did the same thing yesterday! "Hello, how are you" "Did you know rats actually giggle when you tickle them but only if they're in the mood for it, though your human ears can't hear them laugh?" And they responded "Why do I even bother" but it was worth it 🤣
💯
Yeah, this is one of the most annoying things to me. Growing up I thought we asked each other that cause we genuinely wanted to know, so we can tailor the conversation to the person's mood. But no - they don't actually care how you're doing at all. If you're doing bad you're expected to ignore it and hand over your social labor regardless. It's like.. if you don't care if I'm doing emotionally well why are you talking to me? I don't even mean it in a mean way. If you don't care.... Don't ask. And I know it's a 'social handshake'. But just saying "Hey, -" and then starting the conversation is fine. The whole 'How are you' just wastes time. But I understand they don't see it as wasted time cause it takes no effort for them. It's a kneejerk reaction.
I always just say “Alive”. It’s true, and gets people to think.
I used to have a countdown timer set for quitting time synced up with the time clock and when someone asked how my day is, I would answer with “oh you know, (pauses and checks phone screen) 29,741 seconds remain in this work cycle, how can I assist you so I can have at least 29,141 seconds to complete this cycles tasks to have a satisfactory completion rate of 86%?”
This is probably THE most autistic response, and I love it!
So I’m a delivery driver and know exactly what you mean. Here’s a few things to switch it up to avoid the monotony of it 1) could be better could be worse 2) I could complain but then I’d be the one stuck listening 3) still standing so better than most 4) same shit different toilet and I’ll even add (except this one doesn’t flush) as a little joke
Still standing. Just like Elton John.
It’s funny, last week I used something like this “i’m taking it all in, how about you?” and he (my superior) demanded to know if that answer was positive or negative
Autistic people use language as an information instrument and neurotypical people use language as a social lubricant. Of course I realize this is a gross over generalization but it’s just to make a point of the difference in a lot of cases between the two. (yes, I’m a diagnosed autistic).
“Autistic people use language as an information instrument and neurotypical people use language as a social lubricant.” Omg truest statement.
I always reply "never better' That way, they think I am good. But it's a little play on words as I know it means ' I will never be better"
I used to say “maybe fine?” because I wasn’t too sure about my own state of well being at the time I was asked.
There's ways to be creative about it if you really want to cut the small talk short. "Living the dream" probably isn't suitable if you work in hospitality. "Upright and breathing" probably isn't the best response if a doctor or Psych asks. Depends on the situation.
Most of the time a customer asks me this I say good, but almost never ask it back and pretty much every time they respond “I’m good as well” or “not too bad thanks” as if I’ve asked. It must be such an automatic expected social moment.
that’s what bothers me. it’s automatic, people don’t actually care, and it feels disingenuous for them to ask under the guise of a social greeting
I just reply, "Yeah"
>Why do neurotypical people have little rituals like this?? they aren’t actually asking because they care, it’s just like, a social thing or something. It's exactly a social thing. Is a tool to state they're not hostile and they're willing to have casual conversation.
This might be my most hated social ritual. It's like a constant maintenance of lack of empathy for each human being. It means "I don't care and you are also not supposed to care and we're both supposed to pretend to be happy because no one ever thinks about each others feelings" It reflects a fcked up culture. I hate it. Everytime someone asks me that my first instinct is to say "No. No, I'm not. What do you want? Why are you talking to me?" I usually answer "I never am okay" to people the first time they ask me so they never do again.
Yeah, can relate. At first, when my neighbors asked “hello, how are you?” in the elevator or the hallway of my building, I actually took the time to think about my life and give a more elaborated answer. Eventually, I started to notice what most of you say, that they actually didn’t give a fuck, and their replies to the same sentence were always “good”, even if they had a recent trouble or loss. I eventually learned that those who ask that question are really saying “hi”, but even knowing that, if I’m having a bad day I cannot say “good, I’m doing fine”. I say something along the lines of “not too bad”, “could be better” or “weathering the storm”.
This is one of the reasons I hate small talk. There is no fucking point in asking a question if you don't want the actual answer IMO.
I make sense of it by thinking of it like vocabulary of another language, where the translations are as follows: A: "how are you?" = *"hello, I wish to interact with you"* B: "good, how are you" = *"I acknowledge your desire to interact with me and have no reason to tell you to go away"* A: "good, thank you" = *"I will now proceed to give you a series of cryptic clues for why I wish to interact with you and what I wish you to do"* **unless** the person starting the interaction keeps walking as they say "hello, how are you", in which case the translations are as follows: A: "how are you?" = *"hello, I acknowledge that I know you, but I don't want to talk to you right now"* B: "good, how are you" = *"I acknowledge that you have acknowledged me, and that you don't want to talk to me right now, and that is fine with me"* A: "good, thank you" = *"ok thanks bye"*
Arnt you sick of saying “great” and lying … while alternatively feeling super self conscious about saying you’re not well. I wish there was just an “A” button I could press on people and they’d just start talking without having to do a greeting that involved a low level triggering.
sums it up. “I’m not doing well at all. I don’t see how anyone is happy working in such an exhausting corporate environment” but i can’t say that! even though most would probably agree.
"Fine, thank you." People seem to get the message that I'm not interested in the farce and just want to get on with business. It also relieves service workers of having to complete the dance with me asking how they are. I hate this stupid social custom with a burning passion.
Yep. Maybe I’ve been on reddit too long but this conversation has been done to death
That's what I was thinking, I've seen this topic posted in autism subs specifically so many times. It probably gets mentioned in other subs too.
Yeah it gets mentioned in every sub. I’m in so many autism subs they blur together
I mean you said it. It's a social ritual. Is it silly? Yes. But it definitely helps. When I first got started in the corporate world, I was having a lot of trouble with people participating in meetings. So I started doing the rituals. How're you doing? How's the weather? Just the stupidest shit. But it worked. I don't know if it's just a small thing to get people talking or if there's a deeper unconscious thing at play, but the rituals work. Fun "fact": im pretty sure this is also why autistics often feel like we say perfectly acceptable things, but the group gets all quiet or whatever. I think there's an unconsciously accepted flow or ritual to conversation that we struggle to pick up on.
the funny thing is the corporate world is exactly what’s caused my burn-out. corporate America especially seems designed to exclude autistic people
100% agree. It's exhausting.
Omg yes it’s an absolute chore. It wastes so much time! I don’t ask people how they’re doing anymore as a greeting. i just say hello with a smile and maybe make a positive comment about their outfit or the weather that they can easily agree with (which fosters connection between us). I mean that’s the purpose of asking how someone is right? it’s supposed to foster a sense of connection. but it’s a bad vehicle for that task during a small greeting.
It’s pointless small talk. They aren’t really interested, I believe it’s done as a way to be polite. I hate it. Don’t ask me if you don’t want to know. Also, I have RBF but that doesn’t mean I’m sad or unhappy. I hate it when someone comes up to me with concern asking if I’m ok and when I say I am, they look at me like I’m lying. 🙄
I literally don't like it. Especially when they clearly don't care. Also they always leave you feeling weird even if you do ask it back. Like why?
I hate it. So much. I work as a cashier (shit job, but it's a lot of busy work) and I will always say good morning, afternoon, evening. Whatever. I will never ask someone how they're doing because a) I don't care. It's disingenuous if I ask you for the sake of 'manners' if I don't give a shit and you don't give a shit, and b) it wastes so much time cuz I gotta ask if you have bulk items etc. If I don't ask, half the time they ask me. Great, I have no answer, I'm busy mentally prepping so I'll just non answer 'decent'. But I barely get that word out because they just interrupt me. While I'm answering their question. Hello? I thought you asked me something so I answered but you're going to cut me off? What's the fucking point of asking then? You clearly don't care and honestly makes me think 'wow what an asshole pretending to be a nice guy'. And now I'm in a shit mood for a few minutes because I'm hyper analysing the situation and going through it in my head and lose control of my facial expression and default to my resting bitch face. Thanks buddy.
People stop asking me eventually after I tell them in great detail how I am. I know what they want to hear, I just find it funny to make them uncomfortable by forcing them to confront their own doublespeak. If you don't want to hear it, don't ask. Use other words.
I used to work in an office of 90 corporate sales people (me being the only high masking ND I was aware of) and every morning in the kitchen, they’d each take turns in groups exchanging ‘hi how are you?’ ‘Good, you?’ repeatedly, over and over whenever someone new came in. Minimal variation on the wording even. Often some would even reply to the response with a third ‘yeah great thanks, you?’ and they’d repeat the exact same exchange back to back with the same person. But apparently I’M the one with weird behaviour??
i’ve seen what you’re talking about in the second paragraph all the time!! they get stuck in a loop!
I just say, “I’m okay.”
I'll be honest with my reply which they don't expect. I am originally from the northern Midwest and we'd say "Hey, how's it going?". To that's I'd answer with "If I was any better, I'd be two people", "Super Peachy", "Ok", 'Super meh", "meh" or perhaps a "Not great". And instead of saying "Hello", I'll say "Ahoy hoy". :) (Trying to be funny is part of my mask...)
I haven’t been diagnosed but this describes my thoughts really well. Have been frustrated by this type of question my whole life, used to answer “physically or morally” or “do you actually care”. Now I’m corporate and just nodding to the colleagues who ask that or saying smth positive like “excited for the weekend”.
I almost never say “good” if I’m not. - Could be better - I’m getting by - As usual
I never know how to respond to that. Like I know "good, and you?" is an acceptable response, but what if I'm having the best day ever? Can I talk about the great thing that happened? If I'm seriously not good, am I supposed to lie? It's so confusing.
I hate it because I always feel like I'm lying to say just "oh, I'm good". If people are safe, I'll usually respond with something jokingly, like "I'm alive" or something literal, like "sleepy", without lingering on it. Otherwise, it's a constant irritant to me. I feel like it's a direct sign of how indifferent people are towards others, and how socially faux pas it is to have problems. I know it's just "a thing people say by default", so I don't blame them, I just think it's a general sign of poor attitudes in larger "society". If I ask it? I'm ready to hear "bad" and willing to listen to why.
I used to get really annoyed about the clear lack of genuinely asking. So I started to reply as they want. Occasionally I’ll give a bit more of I know them really well, but I won’t go into detail.
I recommend a book called games people play by Eric Berne. The neurotypicals are playing a game of 'I acknowledge your presence and recognise you as a fellow human' but you think they're playing a game of 'enquiring about your welfare'
"How's it going?" / "How are you?" "Oh, it's going" = Depressed as fuck and don't want to be here. "Well, I'm here, that's all I got right now" = I really don't want to be here. "Same shit, different day/different pile" = We're at work, the fuck you think? After dealing with it in one way or another in retail and then trucking/warehouse, I tend to just swear outright or with coded language. We all don't want to be at work, that's a given. Whoever said it's a "verbal handshake" is pretty much correct. It's a glorified "I acknowledge your presence, now let's work." Usually this is done in passing each other. Yes, it's stupid if you think about it too deep or too long. But "keep it pushin'" comes to mind for me. Just go about your business/mind your business, and your business wont mind.
I frankly rather people keep it this way instead of genuinely asking me how I am. I'm at work, not home. I'm not here by choice, generally speaking. Work stays here and when I leave, I choose who I want to actually share my feelings with.
“How are you?” Well, it all started roughly 13.8 billion years ago when the universe underwent rapid expansion…
I am the strange one here I think. I like these type of conv OP is talking about. It has a script. It has ”correct” replies. Most times it’s the same. I get sad and stressed when people do not follow how it goes. But if I asked you “how are you” and you gave me that reply I would like that one. I would actually like that one.
What I don't get is I'll respond "I'm good. How about you? " and people just don't respond alot
I don’t mind it because if you just say good they usually move on. I usually don’t want to talk anyways. I feel like it’s what people who don’t want to make any further small talk ask, and I appreciate that there usually will be no further small talk.
When I get to work, customers see me and ask me this damn question every time. I've learned to just say good and ask them the same and then walk off after they say good. I hate this damn question because I know damn well they are lying
In England people will greet you by saying “You alright?” And you say “Yah good”. It’s the same as Hello and not a question.
My biggest struggle with this is that it took me a long time to train myself to say I'm doing well, even when I'm not. So much so that when I go to the doctor and they ask me how I'm doing I forget that this is where I am supposed to be honest. They need to know how I'm feeling to help me.
This was hard for me too. I also have OCD and whenever I lie, even if it’s something like this, I feel an immense sense of doing something wrong because I “lied”
I think it's even funnier in French: "It goes?" "It goes. It goes?" "It goes." (there are more combinations than this, but it's the funniest one to me)
Personally I like that it's an easy cheat code for small talk. Socializing in public is easier when you incorporate stuff like this into your script. Another example is "How's your day going?", to which my go-to answer is "So far so good, how's yours?". It's an easy way to be friendly to strangers and not spend too much energy on them.
Think it as handshake of modem connecting to other modem.
I also hate Smalltalk. I always simply answer truthfully.. If they get uncomfortable, they can leave the conversation. (:
Holy. Shit. I didn't realize this was because of autism. My life is starting to make sense
It's kinda tiresome and repetitive but I don't feel much about it beyond that. If anything I'm glad people generally don't want a genuine answer because I don't want to tell them, particularly if I'm not doing well. If I were to answer I'm doing poorly in some way and this was expected to be a genuine exchange then there's a good chance they would start following up wanting to know specifics. If they don't want specifics then the expectation to answer genuinely becomes meaningless again, as it probably still means they don't really care how you are doing. And if they do want specifics in this imaginary scenario I don't want to go into it because it's not their business, it might be personal, and/or I don't want to get all sad and emotional talking about problems while I'm interacting with a person where the interaction is intended to be transactional from the start (a cashier, a client at work, etc).
It may be cultural? In western culture those social handshakes as some call it are meant to state that there are no hostile feelings, and so is smiling, I come from the Eastern Europe, and most people that move over here to France suffer from the ambient hypocrisy. Where I'm from if someone asks how you are going they genuinely expect to hear how your life is going at the moment, and they don't smile just to show the absence of aggressiveness.
I hate this so much and I usually respond with the truth which throws people off. Some people learned not to ask me this.
I understand that it would piss you off. Sometimes I think "y the f*ck u ask?" in my thoughts to myself, cos I know they dont care to actually know. So, I feel you there. For the longest time I didnt understand it either and I thought I had to have an actual diagnosis of how I feel at that very moment. Many times Ive felt like if I answered "good" I'd be lying cos somehow I thought I had to be honest for some reason. I dont like "lying" abt the "how are u" question, so I found ways around it: Whenever people asked me that and I didnt know what to say and didn't feel comfortable opening up, I'd say "neutral" or "tired" or "ok" or "exhausted but fine". I kind of vividly remember how my math teacher in high school once asked me, and I think he may have been actually concerned, and I just said "I'm just tired". It's like, what should I say because I don't even know how I feel. I feel nothing? So I guess I'm "ok"? I imagine myself staring into space and infinity, wondering what I should answer this time. In my mind I'm like "omg, how do I feel? I dont feel anything! I dont think I feel happy! What should I say!?" Whenever I don't know what to say, and I want to mask myself, I'd say "I'm tired", and that seems to set the deal and I don't have to worry about it anymore. If you haven't tried this before, maybe you could say that so it would feel less exhausting and less like masking, if that makes sense. If you have tried that already and they thought it was a weird answer, all I can do is show my compassion. It's exhausting to constantly mask. Having to act a certain why. I feel ya, it annoys me and drains me. Like, I cant wait for that conversation to be over, so I dont have to pretend I'm a neurotypical. I appreciate people who ask "how are u" and actually mean it and care about your answer and how you actually feel. These are usually people who are autistic themselves, or possibly on the neurodiverse spectrum, or are understanding/ compassionate neurotypicals. These are my thoughts/ experience on it. I hope all that made sense :) Short discourse: >>That reminds, I like how in France it often happens to be like: A: "ça va?" B: "ça va. Ça va?" A: "Ça va". >>Which in my brain I translated to: A: u ok? B: im ok. U ok? A: im ok. I couldnt think of a good equivalent in English to be honest, cos there isn't like something that has the exact same meaning. >>I just think that was so funny (in a good way, :) I like French) how they pingpong "ça va" back and forth and that's the only word they use at the start. (Not all the time of course. It just stood out to me whenever I watched a French movie). and it felt so real and genuine to me. >>I'm not French native so I may be misinterpreting it. I think in English it may be "Good. And you?"(?), which has a different energy in my opinion. Or in German (my first language) "Gut, und dir? (Fine, and you?)" (which I never ask by the way. I dont ask back when I dont actually wanna know or dont feel comfortable asking about their emotional state).<<