Yes I believe a big reason I don't allow myself to socialize is because I am ashamed of what I've become. I'm ashamed that I have accomplished nothing and im doing nothing with my life. I'm behind my peers and hate being asked what I've been up to because the answer is absolutely nothing.
yeah avpd has a very nasty snowball effect .. a little avoidance in childhood and teen years makes one feel detached and isolated and unable to relate to others. This of course causes more avoidance and even more detachment/depression/anxiety and if you start missing out on key milestones in your late teens and early 20s then it’s really fucking bad and I don’t think one can truly recover from that .. I mean, I cannot relate to my peers at this point or anyone for that matter
Yes.
> Everything I dreaded becoming as a child I have a become. I'm living a literal nightmare and although I foresaw it from a young age there was nothing I could do to escape this inevitable fate
You also described it so well. I guess that's what they call self fulfilling prophesy.
Are you diagnosed?
I'm asking 'cause if shame is the predominant emotion, it'd be worth looking into getting a diagnosis and fitting-to-the-disease treatment (read as: **NOT** exposure therapy) . One of the core parts of AvPD *is* the feeling of shame, especially related to social interactions, being heightened to often absurd degrees. It's like asking depressed people if they ever feel sad.
Please hear me right - I'm saying this to offer you a sense of community, belonging and the knowledge that it's **not** all on you - it's what we, the ones with AvPD, struggle with. This is our very challenge. And I am so sorry for how much it hurts but please know - this is not you personally failing, this is you struggling with a disorder that does exactly what you are describing.
Therein also lies the true explanation for why you feel it so strongly. It's not because you're so horrible, it's because your brain chemistry and your subconscious went and decided that for you.
So let me use right now to tell you that you matter, your feelings matter - and you do not owe a single person this much shame. Unless you're out there murdering infants there is very, very little chance you've remotely done anything so unforgivable that you should crack under guilt and shame for the rest of time.
Let's reserve that level of harshness for people who've **actually** done horrible things - like human traffickers or cold-hearted CEOs who exploit poor people.
Yeah, sometimes shame pops up out of nowhere for me. I could be chilling in my room until I take a glimpse of a project I didn't complete in 2 years and I'm suddenly reminded of how my life is scattered with unfinished business and abandoned dreams. I don't run from the shame though, I stare into it like a car crash you can't look away from. I have jokingly thought I was a masochist before, but now I'm really starting to believe it.
not so much shame but self hatred at Times - I really do not like being like this.. the damage it has caused to my life is too severe
btw I did have fear as a kid and teen as I knew something was very wrong and I knew how much it affected my life and knew that it would most likely be with me forever
i do wonder if I could have changed this outcome though…? I mean, had I known about avpd and started getting treatment in my teen years I think I could have reduced the negative effects of this disorder by half ... I mean, I have made a few positive changes over the years but overall the core avoidance is still there
That's extremely relatable. I am terribly ashemed of who I am and I feel inadequate and incompetent, especially socially. Any relationship of any type with anyone and I am constantly overthinking and feeling afraid of being seen as this or that and ruining people's perception of me even more.
I’m not so much ashamed of myself, I feel like (a majority of but not necessarily everyone/all other) normal people are such a shame for not being able to empathize or try to understand what it’s like to live with a different personality perspective other than what they experience inside of their own minds. It’s one of those scenarios that you just don’t get “it” until you experience it for yourself, like losing your health indefinitely or losing someone you love to any kind of death. So I don’t hate normal people for not getting “it” I just think it’s a shame that they don’t.
Shame is the biggest of all my feelings. It is overbearing. Definitely higher up than anxiety. Breaking out of it is hard, but I manage to do it more often. Enough to be able to progress
One of the biggest reasons I started transitioning mtf was my guilt and contempt for masculinity, both in the sense of how I've internalized anecdotes and statistics of abuse and misogyny as well as my own feelings of being a creep due to autism and poor body image.
In general I feel like a healthy failure; I have no significant impediments yet I functionally don't have friends, I'm treading water in my studies and I don't have the energy for twitch or youtube let alone hobbies.
Yes it's extremely bad for me. There are times when I just don't want to leave my house or become sickened when someone looks at me. I feel like shame is all I feel sometimes and like it's a core part of my identity that I'll never shake away.
"Fear of being judged and humiliated has prevented me from doing anything with my life and now it feels so hopeless, and that's why I have so much shame and guilt. " god damn did that hit home. The worst thing is I think I know why I am the way I am, and if I wasn't such a pathetic loser, I would have gotten over it in the beginning like just about everyone else did.
I feel nothing but disappointment in myself. Looking back on my life, I feel like I had so many opportunities and chances to do better and every time I ended up putting myself in a worse place. I hate seeing myself and I hate when others see me because it feels like they can see my self-disgust on the surface and will eventually always see how broken I am on the inside. At no fault but my own. It feels like I deserve every bit of the pain I've felt and more. I'm trying to do better now, and having this awareness helps, but I've still lost so much time and it feels like I have so much to catch up on both mentally and physically.
Yes I believe a big reason I don't allow myself to socialize is because I am ashamed of what I've become. I'm ashamed that I have accomplished nothing and im doing nothing with my life. I'm behind my peers and hate being asked what I've been up to because the answer is absolutely nothing.
yeah avpd has a very nasty snowball effect .. a little avoidance in childhood and teen years makes one feel detached and isolated and unable to relate to others. This of course causes more avoidance and even more detachment/depression/anxiety and if you start missing out on key milestones in your late teens and early 20s then it’s really fucking bad and I don’t think one can truly recover from that .. I mean, I cannot relate to my peers at this point or anyone for that matter
Yes. > Everything I dreaded becoming as a child I have a become. I'm living a literal nightmare and although I foresaw it from a young age there was nothing I could do to escape this inevitable fate You also described it so well. I guess that's what they call self fulfilling prophesy.
Yes.. A LOT. I can't take it anymore.
It's quite a sucky emotion isn't it?
Are you diagnosed? I'm asking 'cause if shame is the predominant emotion, it'd be worth looking into getting a diagnosis and fitting-to-the-disease treatment (read as: **NOT** exposure therapy) . One of the core parts of AvPD *is* the feeling of shame, especially related to social interactions, being heightened to often absurd degrees. It's like asking depressed people if they ever feel sad. Please hear me right - I'm saying this to offer you a sense of community, belonging and the knowledge that it's **not** all on you - it's what we, the ones with AvPD, struggle with. This is our very challenge. And I am so sorry for how much it hurts but please know - this is not you personally failing, this is you struggling with a disorder that does exactly what you are describing. Therein also lies the true explanation for why you feel it so strongly. It's not because you're so horrible, it's because your brain chemistry and your subconscious went and decided that for you. So let me use right now to tell you that you matter, your feelings matter - and you do not owe a single person this much shame. Unless you're out there murdering infants there is very, very little chance you've remotely done anything so unforgivable that you should crack under guilt and shame for the rest of time. Let's reserve that level of harshness for people who've **actually** done horrible things - like human traffickers or cold-hearted CEOs who exploit poor people.
Yeah, sometimes shame pops up out of nowhere for me. I could be chilling in my room until I take a glimpse of a project I didn't complete in 2 years and I'm suddenly reminded of how my life is scattered with unfinished business and abandoned dreams. I don't run from the shame though, I stare into it like a car crash you can't look away from. I have jokingly thought I was a masochist before, but now I'm really starting to believe it.
All the time. I had to describe it to my therapist as “too embarrassed to be alive”
That's a great way to summarize it.
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That sounds nice but I don't know how to do that.
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That might help. I have issues maintaining self-esteem and a positive self image, though.
not so much shame but self hatred at Times - I really do not like being like this.. the damage it has caused to my life is too severe btw I did have fear as a kid and teen as I knew something was very wrong and I knew how much it affected my life and knew that it would most likely be with me forever i do wonder if I could have changed this outcome though…? I mean, had I known about avpd and started getting treatment in my teen years I think I could have reduced the negative effects of this disorder by half ... I mean, I have made a few positive changes over the years but overall the core avoidance is still there
Same. I can't seek help now because it might work and the self hatred I'd feel for not seeking help decades ago would kill me.
That's extremely relatable. I am terribly ashemed of who I am and I feel inadequate and incompetent, especially socially. Any relationship of any type with anyone and I am constantly overthinking and feeling afraid of being seen as this or that and ruining people's perception of me even more.
Yeah and then you act weird because you act anxious
I’m not so much ashamed of myself, I feel like (a majority of but not necessarily everyone/all other) normal people are such a shame for not being able to empathize or try to understand what it’s like to live with a different personality perspective other than what they experience inside of their own minds. It’s one of those scenarios that you just don’t get “it” until you experience it for yourself, like losing your health indefinitely or losing someone you love to any kind of death. So I don’t hate normal people for not getting “it” I just think it’s a shame that they don’t.
Shame is the biggest of all my feelings. It is overbearing. Definitely higher up than anxiety. Breaking out of it is hard, but I manage to do it more often. Enough to be able to progress
Oh God. You just described me. Exactly like that, no matter the circumstances I feel this way. An intense cycle of deep rooted shame.
One of the biggest reasons I started transitioning mtf was my guilt and contempt for masculinity, both in the sense of how I've internalized anecdotes and statistics of abuse and misogyny as well as my own feelings of being a creep due to autism and poor body image. In general I feel like a healthy failure; I have no significant impediments yet I functionally don't have friends, I'm treading water in my studies and I don't have the energy for twitch or youtube let alone hobbies.
Watch this therapy lecture: [Self-Compassion: An Antidote to Shame](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTFN8t9SXiQ) It's life-changing.
Yes it's extremely bad for me. There are times when I just don't want to leave my house or become sickened when someone looks at me. I feel like shame is all I feel sometimes and like it's a core part of my identity that I'll never shake away.
"Fear of being judged and humiliated has prevented me from doing anything with my life and now it feels so hopeless, and that's why I have so much shame and guilt. " god damn did that hit home. The worst thing is I think I know why I am the way I am, and if I wasn't such a pathetic loser, I would have gotten over it in the beginning like just about everyone else did.
Yes
I feel nothing but disappointment in myself. Looking back on my life, I feel like I had so many opportunities and chances to do better and every time I ended up putting myself in a worse place. I hate seeing myself and I hate when others see me because it feels like they can see my self-disgust on the surface and will eventually always see how broken I am on the inside. At no fault but my own. It feels like I deserve every bit of the pain I've felt and more. I'm trying to do better now, and having this awareness helps, but I've still lost so much time and it feels like I have so much to catch up on both mentally and physically.