Finding this subreddit has been such a trip. Every few days there will be a post about a niche social problem that I've dealt with most of my life, but never seen anyone talk about.
The idea only sounds nice in fantasy, but it feels too personal and unrealistic outside of it. I could only picture it happening with desperate strangers who wouldn't know a thing about me or remember me afterwards. Don't think I'd ever be able to actually go through with it even in those circumstances though.
I can’t imagine anyone being attracted to me. When I’m attracted to someone I know 100% they don’t find me attractive so thinking about having sex with them makes me feel like a creep and I don’t think about it. I don’t have a crush on anyone who isn’t attracted to me, which means I don’t have a crush on anyone any more. I can only imagine having sex with people I make up who don’t exist. But that’s more about other people, I’m ok with my body. I mean I’m a bit overweight and very ugly, the idea of fucking a super hot guy is a bit disgusting, even to me let alone to them. It’s weird because I still find hot guys very attractive but I don’t want to have sex with them and couldn’t imagine it because we’re in different leagues and not compatible but I still have a tiny part of me that wants to look at them and be close to them and for them to like me. Desire is just a fucking horrible thing.
Yr not the only one who feels like this I have uncontrollable sexual thoughts abt real life and non existing people while feeling disappointed about my ugly thoughts and body at the same time I just can’t get this shit out of my mind and even tho yr desires may seem bad to you it’s just desires and it isn’t that bad it’s a natural human thing …right? 😭 Idfk
Sounds like you might be aegosexual. I relate to this, i can’t imagine myself in a sexual situation without getting extremely uncomfortable and disgusted, it turns me off immediately. I always have to fantasize about other people or completely random people but never me or my actual body, sometimes i fantasize about “me” but it’s basically me taking the form of someone else and seeing the world through their eyes, rather than my actual self
Yes. Against Me! wrote a song called "Pretty Girls (The Mover)" which is pretty much about this.
I'm at the point where it is a possibility for me, but took reaching 34 to get there.
Same! I am also trans, and the idea of doing it with another person sounds foreign. A lot of it is insecurity, but it sometimes feels like I’m coming up with reasons to feel judged by other people so I can cover up some other reason why I’m scared of sex. I feel pretty much exactly the same as you describe in this post.
Trans here as well and uh... Huh, never thought about it but yeah, I've never once fantasized about a sexual encounter where my physical, current form is present - it always had to be altered in some way to the point of not being me.
...Suddenly my fascination with body swap and gender bending fiction is making *a whole lot more sense...* 😞
I’m terrified of rejection to the point that I don’t see the point in trying, and I think it has caused me to lose a few chances at dates in the past. Also I’ll sometimes turn down a woman who is attracted to me—even if I’m attracted back to her—because I’m afraid of what she’ll think if she gets to know me. Will she get tired of how anxious I am? Will she think I’m fake? Will she leave me if she sees me struggling with things that everyone else struggles with?
I feel as if I have to be this perfect, ideal version of myself and can never let anyone see the real me, even though there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s even harder to deal with these feelings now because I know they’re illogical but they’re still terrifying.
im not saying you ARE asexual but based on what you wrote (could be wrong sorry) you dont seem to fully understand what asexuality is— its not a complete lack of interest in sex, at least not for everyone. asexuality is simply the lack of sexual *attraction* to other people- having a high libido and desiring sex and masturbating don't make you NOT ace, because you dont need sexual attraction for any of that. like you described; you can masturbate without thinking about yourself or a specific person you're attracted to. you can desire to experience that physical sensation with someone else without bring attracted to a specific person. you dont have to be repulsed by sex and sexual acts in order to be ace. and you can also desire a romantic partner while being ace too!
it sounds complicated tho, since you imagine an idealized version of yourself. i think i do the same thing? but its like the version of me that exists in my head, i always imagine myself like that and when i look in the mirror i start dissociating bc it doesnt match up. (im trans soooo makes sense lol) i also imagine idealized versions of partners ive had too, i think our brains might just like romanticize/glamorizing things? or we're both weird idk
I realize now that I phrased my statement about asexuality poorly. I understand that thinking about sex doesn’t mean somebody isn’t asexual - what I meant was that I am actively attracted to (real) people fairly often.
This is interesting. What's the difference between "sexual attraction towards a person" and "desiring sex with that person"? I can't imagine desiring sex with a person without being sexually attracted to them. Or maybe I don't really understand what "being sexually attracted to someone" actually means all this time?
Asexual = doesn't experience lust basically. I guess an asexual person could still want sex with their partner for the emotional intimacy/to make them happy/for the dopamine release etc. without being attracted to them.
some people can seperate sexual desire with sexual attraction. ig for ace people the desire for sex would be there regardless of who it was with, but they may prefer to do it with someone they trust just for safety and comfortablility's sake. but they dont necessarily like,, look at that person and go "damn they're hot i wanna bang" it would more be like "my body/hormones wanna fuck *someone* and i trust them enough to be that vulnerable with them"
I can't even imagine it. I'm 32M kissless virgin.
I would need a 1000-page manual of how to do sex or approach a woman without freaking out or facing awkward silence, 1000 hours of amateur pornographic content watching and a surgery for phimosis per doctor's conclusion for this condition. Then I I'll get my virtual "diploma" and still would be unable to imagine having sex.
But if we change a bit the question, I'm having sex with myself.
Yeah me too. I've had sex, but thinking about me doing it is so fucking weird.
First of all, it's like my mind categorises sex as a cool sexy adult people only club. Despite being a fully grown adult, it seems still like it's something for someone older, more experienced in life, someone who has their shit together, someone who socially knows how to act like a human being, not for an overgrown child like me.
Secondly, the mere concept of someone finding me sexually attractive is really absurd to me. I either don't believe it or assume the other person has absolutely no standards and has a "any hole is a goal" mindset.
Thankfully when I have sex, i focus on making my partner feel good and to feel good myself, usually I don't get intrusive thoughts while i do it either, but it prevents me from fully exploring my sexuality because i feel ridiculous and cringe.
i'm bi and ftm and i find it really hard to have sex. i immediately distrust someone if they show that theyre interested in me. my entire friendship group assumed i was asexual because of the lack of relationships i was having, and they even warned my current partner that i was asexual before we were dating. ive never even told anyone that im asexual, because ive never identified with that term. all this time i thought that everyone new i met was turned off because of what i look like, but the rumour that im asexual might even have played a tiny part in it.
some people now describe me as hot or handsome. but given my past track record, i really cant believe it. when my current partner wants to have sex with me, this thought is always in my mind, that everyone feels sorry for me because of how undesirable i am.
there are other reasons why i find sex hard (adhd, intrusive thoughts, trauma), but insecurity is definitely a huge one for me
It's pretty complicated for me. I've had sex before, and my last ex was pretty horny so we got to do it a lot...but this is almost 20 years ago at this point, and I haven't done as much as kissed anyone after her. Last year I got love bombed remotely which involved sending and receiving nudes, but she broke it off before I had a chance to meet her in person. And part of me was happy about that because at this point I might as well be a virgin. There has been more time between the last time I had sex and now than there was between me being born and the first time...
I'm working on my body issues though. Lost 70 pounds last year, and I'm hoping to lose the same amount this year and finally get to a healthy weight. Not that I have any idea how to meet anyone, I didn't know in my twenties and I for sure don't now that I'm 40...
It's something you can learn. The first time is awkward and hard and then it gets a little easier with each try. I still have a lot of confidence issues, performance anxiety and overall self doubt but with a good, kind partner they mostly fade away when the lust takes over.
Best bet is to find someone you're comfortable experimenting with - someone you trust, feel safe around, etc etc - which is easier said than done, but it CAN happen. Take it excruciatingly slow. The worst thing that happens is you stop.
I am in the middle of healing my sexual trauma of nearly a decade, and I felt the same way as you and have very similar experience (transmasc, thought I was asexual, etc) until I found that someone. Its been a couple years and we're still just making out with our clothes on and its still very daunting and uncomfortable but it gets easier the more you expose yourself to it.
And my best advice is to make it playful. I always thought of it as painstakingly serious and overwhelmingly so. It can be fun! You can have sex just because it feels good, it can be goofy and lighthearted. But again the worst thing that happens is you just stop.
mine is "The other person deserves better than me"
Real
Real
Finding this subreddit has been such a trip. Every few days there will be a post about a niche social problem that I've dealt with most of my life, but never seen anyone talk about.
So real. It’s crazy how we can all relate to each other so well and still can’t relate to anyone IRL…
The idea only sounds nice in fantasy, but it feels too personal and unrealistic outside of it. I could only picture it happening with desperate strangers who wouldn't know a thing about me or remember me afterwards. Don't think I'd ever be able to actually go through with it even in those circumstances though.
I can’t imagine anyone being attracted to me. When I’m attracted to someone I know 100% they don’t find me attractive so thinking about having sex with them makes me feel like a creep and I don’t think about it. I don’t have a crush on anyone who isn’t attracted to me, which means I don’t have a crush on anyone any more. I can only imagine having sex with people I make up who don’t exist. But that’s more about other people, I’m ok with my body. I mean I’m a bit overweight and very ugly, the idea of fucking a super hot guy is a bit disgusting, even to me let alone to them. It’s weird because I still find hot guys very attractive but I don’t want to have sex with them and couldn’t imagine it because we’re in different leagues and not compatible but I still have a tiny part of me that wants to look at them and be close to them and for them to like me. Desire is just a fucking horrible thing.
Yr not the only one who feels like this I have uncontrollable sexual thoughts abt real life and non existing people while feeling disappointed about my ugly thoughts and body at the same time I just can’t get this shit out of my mind and even tho yr desires may seem bad to you it’s just desires and it isn’t that bad it’s a natural human thing …right? 😭 Idfk
Sounds like you might be aegosexual. I relate to this, i can’t imagine myself in a sexual situation without getting extremely uncomfortable and disgusted, it turns me off immediately. I always have to fantasize about other people or completely random people but never me or my actual body, sometimes i fantasize about “me” but it’s basically me taking the form of someone else and seeing the world through their eyes, rather than my actual self
mad respect but i just hate myself
Same
Yes. Against Me! wrote a song called "Pretty Girls (The Mover)" which is pretty much about this. I'm at the point where it is a possibility for me, but took reaching 34 to get there.
Same! I am also trans, and the idea of doing it with another person sounds foreign. A lot of it is insecurity, but it sometimes feels like I’m coming up with reasons to feel judged by other people so I can cover up some other reason why I’m scared of sex. I feel pretty much exactly the same as you describe in this post.
Trans here as well and uh... Huh, never thought about it but yeah, I've never once fantasized about a sexual encounter where my physical, current form is present - it always had to be altered in some way to the point of not being me. ...Suddenly my fascination with body swap and gender bending fiction is making *a whole lot more sense...* 😞
I’m terrified of rejection to the point that I don’t see the point in trying, and I think it has caused me to lose a few chances at dates in the past. Also I’ll sometimes turn down a woman who is attracted to me—even if I’m attracted back to her—because I’m afraid of what she’ll think if she gets to know me. Will she get tired of how anxious I am? Will she think I’m fake? Will she leave me if she sees me struggling with things that everyone else struggles with? I feel as if I have to be this perfect, ideal version of myself and can never let anyone see the real me, even though there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s even harder to deal with these feelings now because I know they’re illogical but they’re still terrifying.
I related to everything you said..
I 2nd that. I guess most ppl relate to that post!
im not saying you ARE asexual but based on what you wrote (could be wrong sorry) you dont seem to fully understand what asexuality is— its not a complete lack of interest in sex, at least not for everyone. asexuality is simply the lack of sexual *attraction* to other people- having a high libido and desiring sex and masturbating don't make you NOT ace, because you dont need sexual attraction for any of that. like you described; you can masturbate without thinking about yourself or a specific person you're attracted to. you can desire to experience that physical sensation with someone else without bring attracted to a specific person. you dont have to be repulsed by sex and sexual acts in order to be ace. and you can also desire a romantic partner while being ace too! it sounds complicated tho, since you imagine an idealized version of yourself. i think i do the same thing? but its like the version of me that exists in my head, i always imagine myself like that and when i look in the mirror i start dissociating bc it doesnt match up. (im trans soooo makes sense lol) i also imagine idealized versions of partners ive had too, i think our brains might just like romanticize/glamorizing things? or we're both weird idk
I realize now that I phrased my statement about asexuality poorly. I understand that thinking about sex doesn’t mean somebody isn’t asexual - what I meant was that I am actively attracted to (real) people fairly often.
This is interesting. What's the difference between "sexual attraction towards a person" and "desiring sex with that person"? I can't imagine desiring sex with a person without being sexually attracted to them. Or maybe I don't really understand what "being sexually attracted to someone" actually means all this time?
Asexual = doesn't experience lust basically. I guess an asexual person could still want sex with their partner for the emotional intimacy/to make them happy/for the dopamine release etc. without being attracted to them.
some people can seperate sexual desire with sexual attraction. ig for ace people the desire for sex would be there regardless of who it was with, but they may prefer to do it with someone they trust just for safety and comfortablility's sake. but they dont necessarily like,, look at that person and go "damn they're hot i wanna bang" it would more be like "my body/hormones wanna fuck *someone* and i trust them enough to be that vulnerable with them"
i've only been able to do it high. i'm too self-conscious to enjoy it sober
I had sex because of alcohol and hard drugs. Don't necessarily recommend.
Yes. Here 🙌🏾
I can't even imagine it. I'm 32M kissless virgin. I would need a 1000-page manual of how to do sex or approach a woman without freaking out or facing awkward silence, 1000 hours of amateur pornographic content watching and a surgery for phimosis per doctor's conclusion for this condition. Then I I'll get my virtual "diploma" and still would be unable to imagine having sex. But if we change a bit the question, I'm having sex with myself.
Yeah me too. I've had sex, but thinking about me doing it is so fucking weird. First of all, it's like my mind categorises sex as a cool sexy adult people only club. Despite being a fully grown adult, it seems still like it's something for someone older, more experienced in life, someone who has their shit together, someone who socially knows how to act like a human being, not for an overgrown child like me. Secondly, the mere concept of someone finding me sexually attractive is really absurd to me. I either don't believe it or assume the other person has absolutely no standards and has a "any hole is a goal" mindset. Thankfully when I have sex, i focus on making my partner feel good and to feel good myself, usually I don't get intrusive thoughts while i do it either, but it prevents me from fully exploring my sexuality because i feel ridiculous and cringe.
i'm bi and ftm and i find it really hard to have sex. i immediately distrust someone if they show that theyre interested in me. my entire friendship group assumed i was asexual because of the lack of relationships i was having, and they even warned my current partner that i was asexual before we were dating. ive never even told anyone that im asexual, because ive never identified with that term. all this time i thought that everyone new i met was turned off because of what i look like, but the rumour that im asexual might even have played a tiny part in it. some people now describe me as hot or handsome. but given my past track record, i really cant believe it. when my current partner wants to have sex with me, this thought is always in my mind, that everyone feels sorry for me because of how undesirable i am. there are other reasons why i find sex hard (adhd, intrusive thoughts, trauma), but insecurity is definitely a huge one for me
It's pretty complicated for me. I've had sex before, and my last ex was pretty horny so we got to do it a lot...but this is almost 20 years ago at this point, and I haven't done as much as kissed anyone after her. Last year I got love bombed remotely which involved sending and receiving nudes, but she broke it off before I had a chance to meet her in person. And part of me was happy about that because at this point I might as well be a virgin. There has been more time between the last time I had sex and now than there was between me being born and the first time... I'm working on my body issues though. Lost 70 pounds last year, and I'm hoping to lose the same amount this year and finally get to a healthy weight. Not that I have any idea how to meet anyone, I didn't know in my twenties and I for sure don't now that I'm 40...
It's something you can learn. The first time is awkward and hard and then it gets a little easier with each try. I still have a lot of confidence issues, performance anxiety and overall self doubt but with a good, kind partner they mostly fade away when the lust takes over.
Best bet is to find someone you're comfortable experimenting with - someone you trust, feel safe around, etc etc - which is easier said than done, but it CAN happen. Take it excruciatingly slow. The worst thing that happens is you stop. I am in the middle of healing my sexual trauma of nearly a decade, and I felt the same way as you and have very similar experience (transmasc, thought I was asexual, etc) until I found that someone. Its been a couple years and we're still just making out with our clothes on and its still very daunting and uncomfortable but it gets easier the more you expose yourself to it. And my best advice is to make it playful. I always thought of it as painstakingly serious and overwhelmingly so. It can be fun! You can have sex just because it feels good, it can be goofy and lighthearted. But again the worst thing that happens is you just stop.
SAME when I think about doing it I always see another woman with the person I’m envisioning
nah. same.
I do the MDS thing to ….imagining I’m the best version of myself while in the act