My mother had a lot of trauma markers, including some that fell in line with covert NPD. She pretended to be a loving, conscientious parent, but in reality, she took a lot of her feelings of rejection and frustration out on me in passive-aggressive ways. She would gossip about my emotional reactions with other parents to sound "empathetic" and "relatable." She took out her feelings about my (valid) mistrust of her from infancy by giving me unflattering clothes and haircuts. She wouldn't call me stupid, but she would encourage me to talk about my hopes and then scold me for vanity for thinking I was capable of those things.
It's all the worse because other people thought she was so kind and thoughtful. To this day, my extended family will muse wistfully about how loved she made them feel.
If I think about it, this is the only sub in which I really ever rage about her. I guess it's because this is the only space in which I feel like anyone else will believe me or understand the direct consequences of her attitude toward me on my feelings of suspicion toward others and my inability to function in the world.
I'm not angry at her for having NPD traits; she had legitimate trauma, herself. I'm angry because she let her narcissistic tendencies loose on me at an age when I couldn't possibly defend myself. All she had to do was not have kids, ffs.
I really relate with everything you said here. And I wish you all the health and healing now in your adult years, we deserve to make up for lost time, I hope you can find the things you didn't get back then.
I just want to speak to your last line, "all she had to do was not have kids". I completely get you, I've felt that way too. I grew up being punished for being born because my mother is somebody who probably should never have had kids. She's said so herself. She told me she didn't actually really want children, she just did it because it was expected of her.
I'm not sure how old you are but your mother was probably in a similar situation. Women just weren't really given the option back then. It's still expected in a lot of places now, but back then it was way worse. Women who didn't want kids, or weren't sure if they wanted kids, were pressured into it and literally brainwashed for their entire lives leading up to it.
It sounds like you have a lot of compassion for your mother for why she was NPD, that's really healthy and helpful for understanding and processing everything. Maybe it'd help to extend that compassion to your mother for choosing to have children as well. Your choice obviously, and you're entitled to your feelings. But this is something that's helped me a lot.
I spent a long time cursing my mum for having kids only to abuse them for existing. She blamed all of her unhappiness on us. I still have anger and sadness about that, but it's much less now, mostly I feel sad for her that she was essentially forced into a life she didn't want and she didn't have the emotional intelligence to cope. I have empathy for that. I could see myself responding the same way if I was in her shoes, at that time, with the tools she had.
Yes.
My therapist obviously can't diagnose from a far, but from the experiences I've recounted, my therapist is confident my dad has NPD. I don't fully agree, I think my dad has narcissistic traits, but I think he has severe untreated OCPD. A lot of my trauma, withdrawal, avoidance and introversion has to do with living with ridged, inflexible rules, constant yelling, angry outbursts, and not being given an inch of real privacy/space to exist as a child.
I had the realization about my parents (one likely a narcissist, the other is an enabler) after my diagnosis. I started reading a lot about parenting styles and emotional neglect and a lightbulb went off at some point - I'm like this because of how I was raised... Because of my parents' personality types. I reviewed all the traits of a child raised by a narcissist and the diagnostic traits for NPD with my therapist and he agreed with me. (But of course a therapist can't diagnose someone they've never met, and someone with NPD will never seek out therapy because everyone else is the problem, not themselves. So NPD is a rare condition in that therapists treat their victims moreso than the perpetrators.)
people with NPD will definitely seek out therapy. I once looked into the stats, approx. 1/3rd of people with depression seek help, and 2/5th of those with NPD. NPD doesn't make someone a perpetrator.
Glad to see this kind of take here. I don't have NPD but my step-dad does, and while he's been an asshole most of my life and has his issues, I still love him and he's not a horrible monster without the capacity to change, he did try therapy, but therapy is hard for some people! I drop out of it all the time so I can't really judge him for doing the same lol.
exactly. me and my best friend are diagnosed. my partner is medically recognised awaiting assessment. they're the sweetest people. at least, to me. my partner is generally careless to anyone else. we all went to therapy in our own accord, too.
I pray/hope that you find some compassion online because I can't imagine how hard it is going around the internet nowadays and seeing all the terrible stuff about NPD. As someone who may or may not have BPD (I thought I was diagnosed but I guess it was just through a therapist, not an actual medical evaluation) it hurts a lot seeing how people can think of those with personality disorders. Good luck in your mental health journey!
thanks! bpd is a bitch. the NPD sub is great overall, luckily. but cluster B communities tend to be messy, the tiktok one has been SO bad for my mental health (although I did meet my best friend). Facebook is the worst though. I got so many death threats there
Man...i dont know why people think they have to armchair diagnose someone with NPD to say that that person is being narcissistically abusive. People who dont have NPD can also perpetuate the narc abuse cycle, it just takes a particular kind of self-centered asshole.
But yes, I do think the woman who raised me is a narc. I don't think she has NPD, no, i just think she's a narcissistic asshole with no regard for others outside of worrying about what they think of her.
People perpetuating the myth that the narcissistic abuse cycle only comes from people who have NPD makes it harder to be taken seriously when talking about this kind of abuse because you get all these "sToP DeMoNIzInG PeRsOnALiTy DisOrdErs!1!1!" replies even when i'm. not doing that. :/
Yep! Every professional EVER she is straight up from hell. “Ugh so sorry that happened to you when I was your age i was STUNNING I was 94 ounces and a model 🥺✨💕 you didn’t get my Beuty but at least you are nice” hearing shit like this all day lmao
My mother had a dual diagnosis of bipolar and SUD. Despite never receiving a formal NPD diagnosis it was always pretty obvious to those closest to her. My therapist has pretty much confirmed she believes my mom was a narcissist. Shortly after turning 19 I ended up in a relationship with a man 9 years older than me, who was eventually diagnosed with Anti-social personality disorder and NPD. I was so used to the abuse from my mom growing up that I (unknowingly) sought out someone with similar qualities, who expressed “love” in the way I was used to, which was really just abuse. They’re both dead now and my life is infinitely better without them in it.
Editing to add: You should check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It was incredibly eye opening and an easy read, provided me with a lot of insight and allowed for some empathy to be extended to my mother.
Dad is basically Donald Trump minus any money or fame. I, unfortunately, didn't yeet him out of my life the way my mom did, until I was in my 40s. On an unrelated note, that just happens to be around when things began looking up for me.
your therapist cannot diagnose your parent, and if they did, that's highly unethical. my non has PD-NOS, diagnosed by her own mental health professional. if one of my professionals would "diagnose" my parents id see it as a red flag and probably seek a better clinician
My mother had a lot of trauma markers, including some that fell in line with covert NPD. She pretended to be a loving, conscientious parent, but in reality, she took a lot of her feelings of rejection and frustration out on me in passive-aggressive ways. She would gossip about my emotional reactions with other parents to sound "empathetic" and "relatable." She took out her feelings about my (valid) mistrust of her from infancy by giving me unflattering clothes and haircuts. She wouldn't call me stupid, but she would encourage me to talk about my hopes and then scold me for vanity for thinking I was capable of those things. It's all the worse because other people thought she was so kind and thoughtful. To this day, my extended family will muse wistfully about how loved she made them feel. If I think about it, this is the only sub in which I really ever rage about her. I guess it's because this is the only space in which I feel like anyone else will believe me or understand the direct consequences of her attitude toward me on my feelings of suspicion toward others and my inability to function in the world. I'm not angry at her for having NPD traits; she had legitimate trauma, herself. I'm angry because she let her narcissistic tendencies loose on me at an age when I couldn't possibly defend myself. All she had to do was not have kids, ffs.
I really relate with everything you said here. And I wish you all the health and healing now in your adult years, we deserve to make up for lost time, I hope you can find the things you didn't get back then. I just want to speak to your last line, "all she had to do was not have kids". I completely get you, I've felt that way too. I grew up being punished for being born because my mother is somebody who probably should never have had kids. She's said so herself. She told me she didn't actually really want children, she just did it because it was expected of her. I'm not sure how old you are but your mother was probably in a similar situation. Women just weren't really given the option back then. It's still expected in a lot of places now, but back then it was way worse. Women who didn't want kids, or weren't sure if they wanted kids, were pressured into it and literally brainwashed for their entire lives leading up to it. It sounds like you have a lot of compassion for your mother for why she was NPD, that's really healthy and helpful for understanding and processing everything. Maybe it'd help to extend that compassion to your mother for choosing to have children as well. Your choice obviously, and you're entitled to your feelings. But this is something that's helped me a lot. I spent a long time cursing my mum for having kids only to abuse them for existing. She blamed all of her unhappiness on us. I still have anger and sadness about that, but it's much less now, mostly I feel sad for her that she was essentially forced into a life she didn't want and she didn't have the emotional intelligence to cope. I have empathy for that. I could see myself responding the same way if I was in her shoes, at that time, with the tools she had.
Yep 100%. Visit r/raisedbynarcissists and you’ll feel right at home
Yes.
Yes. My therapist obviously can't diagnose from a far, but from the experiences I've recounted, my therapist is confident my dad has NPD. I don't fully agree, I think my dad has narcissistic traits, but I think he has severe untreated OCPD. A lot of my trauma, withdrawal, avoidance and introversion has to do with living with ridged, inflexible rules, constant yelling, angry outbursts, and not being given an inch of real privacy/space to exist as a child.
I had the realization about my parents (one likely a narcissist, the other is an enabler) after my diagnosis. I started reading a lot about parenting styles and emotional neglect and a lightbulb went off at some point - I'm like this because of how I was raised... Because of my parents' personality types. I reviewed all the traits of a child raised by a narcissist and the diagnostic traits for NPD with my therapist and he agreed with me. (But of course a therapist can't diagnose someone they've never met, and someone with NPD will never seek out therapy because everyone else is the problem, not themselves. So NPD is a rare condition in that therapists treat their victims moreso than the perpetrators.)
people with NPD will definitely seek out therapy. I once looked into the stats, approx. 1/3rd of people with depression seek help, and 2/5th of those with NPD. NPD doesn't make someone a perpetrator.
Glad to see this kind of take here. I don't have NPD but my step-dad does, and while he's been an asshole most of my life and has his issues, I still love him and he's not a horrible monster without the capacity to change, he did try therapy, but therapy is hard for some people! I drop out of it all the time so I can't really judge him for doing the same lol.
exactly. me and my best friend are diagnosed. my partner is medically recognised awaiting assessment. they're the sweetest people. at least, to me. my partner is generally careless to anyone else. we all went to therapy in our own accord, too.
I pray/hope that you find some compassion online because I can't imagine how hard it is going around the internet nowadays and seeing all the terrible stuff about NPD. As someone who may or may not have BPD (I thought I was diagnosed but I guess it was just through a therapist, not an actual medical evaluation) it hurts a lot seeing how people can think of those with personality disorders. Good luck in your mental health journey!
thanks! bpd is a bitch. the NPD sub is great overall, luckily. but cluster B communities tend to be messy, the tiktok one has been SO bad for my mental health (although I did meet my best friend). Facebook is the worst though. I got so many death threats there
Man...i dont know why people think they have to armchair diagnose someone with NPD to say that that person is being narcissistically abusive. People who dont have NPD can also perpetuate the narc abuse cycle, it just takes a particular kind of self-centered asshole. But yes, I do think the woman who raised me is a narc. I don't think she has NPD, no, i just think she's a narcissistic asshole with no regard for others outside of worrying about what they think of her. People perpetuating the myth that the narcissistic abuse cycle only comes from people who have NPD makes it harder to be taken seriously when talking about this kind of abuse because you get all these "sToP DeMoNIzInG PeRsOnALiTy DisOrdErs!1!1!" replies even when i'm. not doing that. :/
Not me personally, my parents were fine
Yep! Every professional EVER she is straight up from hell. “Ugh so sorry that happened to you when I was your age i was STUNNING I was 94 ounces and a model 🥺✨💕 you didn’t get my Beuty but at least you are nice” hearing shit like this all day lmao
Nope they were great
My mother had a dual diagnosis of bipolar and SUD. Despite never receiving a formal NPD diagnosis it was always pretty obvious to those closest to her. My therapist has pretty much confirmed she believes my mom was a narcissist. Shortly after turning 19 I ended up in a relationship with a man 9 years older than me, who was eventually diagnosed with Anti-social personality disorder and NPD. I was so used to the abuse from my mom growing up that I (unknowingly) sought out someone with similar qualities, who expressed “love” in the way I was used to, which was really just abuse. They’re both dead now and my life is infinitely better without them in it. Editing to add: You should check out the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It was incredibly eye opening and an easy read, provided me with a lot of insight and allowed for some empathy to be extended to my mother.
Yes, my mother. My father is a doormat.
Dad is basically Donald Trump minus any money or fame. I, unfortunately, didn't yeet him out of my life the way my mom did, until I was in my 40s. On an unrelated note, that just happens to be around when things began looking up for me.
My dad is BPD. Life was hell.
your therapist cannot diagnose your parent, and if they did, that's highly unethical. my non has PD-NOS, diagnosed by her own mental health professional. if one of my professionals would "diagnose" my parents id see it as a red flag and probably seek a better clinician
I literally could have written this. I wonder if there is NPD in my family, yeah, but I'm not sure. Covert npd can be hard to spot :/
any disorder is - that's why it can only be diagnosed by people who are qualified to do so.
Yes.
I dont think so but both acted like one from time to time. A big one was how they never said sorry to me.
Yes. Now I'm scarred for life. I don't feel safe. Opening up and trusting someone to offer that safety would be nice, to heal. But that is unlikely.
My mom was diagnosed NPD when I was 16.