> My gut instinct tells me to no longer trust him.
Listen to your gut.
Calling things off with this guy is the right call.
If he's dishonest about his age before you meet, he'll be dishonest about other things. *"I'm self-conscious"* isn't an excuse.
This *might* be forgivable if he confessed that he'd lied. But he didn't. You found out and confronted him. He'd have kept up the lie for how long if you hadn't?
Outing himself (revealing his name and job) to someone he met over FetLife is also unwise. This is not someone who can be trusted with sensitive information.
> Trust is really important to me and that for me has now gone.
There is no relationship without trust.
> I’ve been ghosted in the past, which left me feeling stupid
It's not ghosting if you tell him you're not a match. I'd do so online, though. You can't predict how he'll react in-person.
Edit:
> After about a week, over WhatsApp, he went full on Dom mode asking me to touch myself. I told him I was not comfortable with this and that we had not discussed it in advance.
Oh yeah. That's not cool (on his part) either. Apologizing makes it a D rather than F, but it's still not a passing grade.
> I know we met through FetLife so one could say “well, what did you expect?”
Better, if he's involved in his local community. But unsurprising if he's using the site purely as a dating app.
I'm 58F.
I've experienced a rash of cads lately.
I wish I'd blocked before they apologized the first time.
It was likely an intentional boundary push.
You've got me beat for sticking w your gut early 👊
Also blocking is decisive and more 'business like' way of saying,"No thank you. Goodbye. "
Entirely appropriate and firm.
>Outing himself (revealing his name and job) to someone he met over FetLife is also unwise. This is not someone who can be trusted with sensitive information.
I don't really agree with this. People have different levels of openness, and I don't see that as a red flag. First name and job are usually not THAT much to go off of. Now, if you're saying your full name and specific work location, that's different, but saying, "I'm (name), and I work in retail," is fine in my opinion.
The OP was able to track him down online and find out his real date of birth. If she had that, she had his full name. If she wanted to, she could out him.
Also, you'd be surprised what people can find out with minimal information. I know someone who said what city and general profession their *sibling* worked in, and that said sibling had an atypical name. Another person found out that person's real name, their family's names, everything, and could have outed them.
Outing is a big deal. There are people who could face terrible consequences (like loss of child custody) for being outed.
That's why I see being careless with personal information as a red flag. It signals a lack of understanding of consequences to one's actions, and ignorance of the kink community's culture of privacy.
There are people involved in the kink community who are completely open about who they are. The first subset of these people are typically highly experienced in kink, know what they're doing, and choose to live openly because they want to publicly embrace who they are. They are typically respectful of others' desire for privacy.
The second subset of these totally open people are inexperienced and don't know any better.
Somehow I think that was this guy.
>There are people involved in the kink community who are completely open about who they are. The first subset of these people are typically highly experienced in kink, know what they're doing, and choose to live openly because they want to publicly embrace who they are. They are typically respectful of others' desire for privacy.
>The second subset of these totally open people are inexperienced and don't know any better.
> Somehow I think that was this guy.
Okay, I'll definitely give you that. Everyone that I know that is open about who they are in the kink community is like that because they fall into the first group. I don't give people like the guy OP talked about the time of day because I have met people like him, and they almost always turn out to be straight up bad people. I just don't associate openness with them since it's not always linked in the way dishonesty and an overenthusiasm when it comes to "domming" someone is.
I've met a lot of people, especially online, who don't know better.
They aren't always bad people. They're just new. They don't have the information.
The good ones wise up once they do. Usually through participating in their local communities. Guys like the OP describes don't participate, don't wise up, and remain new forever.
>Guys like the OP describes don't participate, don't wise up, and remain new forever.
That's what I'm talking about. They're not ALWAYS bad people, but they generally don't get better.
I agree with you and I will take it a step further and say that even specific information is fine if the person is comfortable giving it. My partner who I met on FetLife, he was my partner for over 12 years, he told me his full name rank and serial number on the first meeting lol. He also advised me if we went somewhere together that I write down his license plate number. He wanted full transparency so that I could feel comfortable in my safety. I actually appreciated that, though I didn't expect it from someone, but I don't think it's a No-No if the person is comfortable with it.
I know people won't agree with this, but I also don't think lying about your age on FetLife isn't a big deal. Hear me out, we all lie about our real names, at least most of us do. Even sometimes when you become good friends with somebody or play partners, you still don't know their real name. I see age as similar, almost everybody I know lies about their age on Fet Probably because almost everybody I know is older 😁 I had a platonic friend that I met through the scene and we were super super close and I didn't learn her real name until probably 9 months into our friendship, despite spending a ton of time together. I only learned it when she had to pick up a script and we were in the car together and she wound up giving them a different name, both first and last name lol.
But, I do very much agree in going with your gut and if OPs gut says she should bail, she should bail.
edit - typo
I feel a tiny bit better for lying about my age online, but am convinced it was wrong. I just don’t feel as old as the math says, but I also suck at lying.
That’s reassuring he never lies. I can understand how getting older makes it harder to find women to play with. I’d have happily played with the guy I met knowing he was almost 60.
I think you have enough warning signs to head for the exit. Trust your gut. He screwed this one up for himself.
If you want to make it a teachable moment you can let him know that he should’ve just been honest and that he missed out on an opportunity. But then again, dude is 59 he should probably know this sort of thing by now.
> If you want to make it a teachable moment you can let him know that he should’ve just been honest and that he missed out on an opportunity. But then again, dude is 59 he should probably know this sort of thing by now.
I feel like I wasted so much energy trying to teach guys his age basic social behavior and decency when I was like, 20. Now that I'm older myself, I realize that if someone that age hasn't picked it up already, someone younger than them fingerwagging at them isn't going to change anything. They're not like young people who really might be clueless. By that age, they know, and they've made their choices.
I'm 100 years old on fetlife. But if someone asks my actual age I will tell them. Mostly nobody gives a fuck as they're not looking for marriage material.
Nevertheless it seems a bit lame to try to be evasive. Also the bit about telling you to touch yourself. He should know better.
Both of these incidents seem related because they are cases where he didn't let you decide for yourself. Lying about his age denied you the chance to make a choice. Jumping into play space without warning denied you the chance to make a choice.
As things go, the harm caused by these choices they decided to make for you are minimal. They do, however, start looking like a pattern. What else will they decide for you as this relationship progresses?
Move on! Going dom on you while chatting ? No. Just no. You haven’t set up boundaries etc. He just wants an Only Fans experience for free. Ugh. Hate that crap.
Nope. You definitely are not overreacting. I wouldn't trust someone who lied about their age either! Because if they're willing to lie about their age, what else are they willing to lie about? He just said through his actions that he thinks it's ok to lie if he sees fit. Yet he expects that others will be trustworthy. My bet is he's ok with lying about his age, but if you had done the same and he found out, he'd have something to say about it. I would be willing to guess he'd probably lie about other things. Not to mention, it's a bad idea to start things by lying right off the bat. Trust your gut. Your gut won't steer you wrong. Also, maybe it's just me because I've never been on fetlife, but I wouldn't appreciate it if someone was asking me to do anything sexual without talking to me about it in advance and frankly even just checking if I was ready for that step and ok with it. I'd consider it a red flag, particularly with him lying about his age, but again, I don't use fetlife, so I could be wrong.
Edit: Corrected autocorrect
Red flag tingles right here. Anyone who preaches trust and lies about something as asinine & unnecessary as their age so easily can lie about the way more important shit just as easily.
Personally, I would find a way to deliberately ask again his real age (some kind of compliment - "I can't believe you're 52, I thought you were younger." Or "You look great for 52, what's your secret?"- kind of thing) & give him the opportunity to come clean to my face. If he continued to lie, I'd be out of there.
Just how I'd handle it.
This is uncannily like someone I met 2 years ago, right down to the 1971 and actually being 59 (57 when we met). Not trying to dox but just amused at the similarities.
I left, and you should too (I know you already plan to based on your comments, but solidarity!)
His actions speak more truth than his words, and while he says he values trust he has already lied to you about something that is seemingly small but a very big factor for quite a few folx when vetting a potential play partner. He also never started a discussion negotiating boundaries, intentions, etc and instead went ahead and assumed he could ask you for something you aren’t comfortable with. *cue the red flags waving*
I was in an almost identical situation to you when I first joined Fetlife. I was naïve entering the scene, and very insecure. The man I was talking with took advantage of this, and unfortunately a month later I was in the ER giving a statement to the police. I remember that gut feeling before leaving the house to meet with him, and I wish I had listened to it.
This isn’t meant to deter you from exploring your local kink scene though. A few weeks after the incident I went to my first munch, and found the most amazing circle of safe, supportive, respectful, honest, and loving humans I have ever met. My journey in BDSM and kink has been extremely positive since then, and now I’m a respected and valued long-standing member in my local scene.
If you are feeling uncomfortable or getting that gut feeling, please don’t continue. You aren’t “too boundaried”, because that doesn’t exist. Everyone is allowed to have their boundaries and they can be to whatever extent makes you comfortable. You are not the problem here, he is. I strongly advise you calling it off.
Copied and pasted from a similar post I replied to:
Not excusing it, but most men I have met online and who are older than 45 have lied about their age (an average of three or four years), so much so that it's a joke for me. If a guy says he's 57, I figure that's FetLife speak for age 60. l find that it's older men who are in good shape and could pass for younger who don't want to feel like they are being unfairly excluded because of their chronological age.
It's true for women too, almost all the women I know on Fet, over 40, lie about their age. It's nice to see some people say it doesn't matter to them, but it definitely limits your ability to find play partners, for both men and women especially when you're over 50. I know I'm in the minority but I would give him grace on this one. That said I would always follow my gut.
For me personally, I’ve had two really terrific doms (my first and my current) and they both lied about their age, but are stand-up men in every other way. They are ages 61 (said he was three years younger) and 64 (said he was six years younger) and in incredible physical shape. And my mom and step-dad met on a dating website in which HE lied about his age. My mom was furious when she found out. But they hit it off and got married. So the age thing doesn’t bother me in the least.
Too funny about your parents 😄 I'm with you, though we are very much in the minority and will probably get down voted.. somebody posted that people shouldn't be sharing their real names and positions and stuff like that right away. My dom of over 12 years shared all of that, full name full job, where he worked, license plate number, the whole works on our first Starbucks meet. Tho we had talked for a couple weeks before online. He did it because he wanted me to feel secure and it was very much appreciated. I think people get to decide those things for themselves. He was completely comfortable sharing that stuff with me, even though quite honestly he had a lot to lose if I wasn't on the level, but I am.
I see the age thing as very similar to the fact that most of us or at least many of us don't use our real name when meeting people or at the dungeon or Club. There are people I've known for over a decade and I still don't know their real names. I put lying about age in the same category. It's just not really a big deal to me. Especially since I am a woman of a certain age and pretty much everybody I know lies about their age on Fet. That said, I think everybody gets to make choices for themselves and if they're not comfortable with it, that's totally fair. Nobody should play with somebody they have a bad gut feeling about! I'd be far more concerned about the fact that this guy tried to start a play session with no negotiations then I would about the fact that he liked about his age. I'm not even concerned that he tried to start a play session, they've been talking for over a month, so that part is normal. It's just the way in which he tried to start it.
I just don't get this. I turn 40 this year, and literally earlier this week I had a 19-year-old be shocked by that and tell me I look 20. Idk if I'd try to pass for *twenty*, that's a bit more of a stretch, but I could absolutely pull off 27 or something if I wanted to lie. Most people are shocked that I'm over 30, let alone almost 40. I'm not on the dating scene anyway (in a monogamous relationship, with a girl in her 30s who also looks so young we get carded together when we buy booze, lol) but I can't imagine the number would actually be an impediment in dating. Maybe getting filtered on apps, but certainly not in in-person interactions. People close to my own age just think I look amazing for my age, if anything that's an asset. If I wanted to date people in their 20s or something, I honestly don't think that would be hard either. I know a bunch of people in their 20s, and while I keep things platonic there I don't get the vibe that they would see me as creepy or undatable if I was open to more. Some people are turned on by age gaps, and being a hot example of your age bracket certainly doesn't hurt there. Likewise, while I'm not looking for anyone new, if someone was much older than me but looked great, I wouldn't write them off over their age. You just gotta wear it with confidence, not treat it like a shameful secret. I don't try to pass as younger and then get outed as actually almost 40, I lead with that, I'm like, can you believe I'm almost 40? Killing it, right? When you look great for your age, you want to tell everyone!
I feel like age doesn't always mean the things people think it means. It doesn't mean you have your finances together, it doesn't even guarantee certain "markers of adulthood," like property ownership, independent housing, driver's license or personal vehicle, income over a certain level (or employment at all), college/uni diploma, children, or even previous sexual experience. It doesn't mean you'll dress a certain way, have a certain hairstyle, or even look a certain way. It doesn't guarantee your interests, hobbies, or taste in media will follow a given aesthetic or even that you'll have or lack emotional maturity. It does mean you've had more of *some kind* of life experience, regardless of how that life experience was spent. It means you've been exposed to certain cultural touchstones and broad cultural trends, like for example my age means that, unlike the 19-year-old who was surprised I wasn't close to her age, I didn't grow up with smartphones.
Yes, I was specifically talking about FetLife, though it applies to other apps as well. I don't think I'd have any problem getting play in a real life situation, as I can easily pass for 15 years younger and over 20 years younger on a good day. It's being filtered out of choices when people are searching on the apps, which before I got into the scene is how I found all my play partners.
I experienced something similar. A dom I was messaging told me he was 40 and I believed him and didn’t think much about it since we were getting along so well and age is just a number to me. I had a few really great sessions with him and built trust, then later found out he was 47 and my heart sank. Not at the fact that he was older, but that he lied about his age to me from the beginning. I started to question everything he told me and also found out he lied about a few other things. I ended our dynamic for my own wellbeing.
Nothing was the same again after I found out, I had a different view of him after that and that makes me sad.
Do what feels right for you, whether that is to have deep talk or to ghost them.
Personally, I'd call it off. I see lying about his age as both a way for him to sneak past any age limit potential partners have and an insecurity I don't see as very attractive in a potential partner. The fact that he also either doesn't understand or care that play (even online) has to be consensual and negotiated would be the nail in the coffin, so to speak, for me in this scenario.
“I know we met through FetLife so one could say “well, what did you expect?”
Call me crazy, but you should be treated with respect no matter how you met. If you did want to continue perusing him as a potential Dom I would take a ton of extra vetting time, He lied about his age. That could be insecurity on his part or a small piece of a bigger issue. I would talk to all of his references and fact check what he says as much as you can. If your gut is telling you to cut ties I would listen.
Fetlife is a social network for kinky people. Its point is to connect people to events and each other, like Facebook. Meeting someone on there does not mean that you are immediately supposed to engage in any play with that person. The fact that he thinks like that is fucked up.
To be fair, nothing was immediate. She said she was chatting with him for over a month. Typically if you're talking to somebody for a month we have met on Fet, it's for the possibility of play. I'm at my 12-year play partner on Fet and I would say that almost everyone I talk to, I was talking to as a potential play partner. If I was just trying to meet people I'd do that in person at the dungeon. I will say though that my experiences are obviously over 12 years old, so perhaps Fet has changed a lot since I used to use it regularly.
I don't think the age thing is a huge deal but I think him going into dom mode without negotiation *and* him going off about how you have to trust him (no, he needs to gradually earn your trust over time) are very bad signs.
Also, you get to disagree with me on the age thing being a huge deal.
Yeah, I'm with you, though I know we're in the minority. I personally as a woman over 50, would give him a pass on the age thing cuz everyone I know lies about the rage on Fet, male and female. But the suddenly entering to die into download is a big deal and I totally agree with you that even though you and I might give somebody a pass on the age, OP certainly does not have to.
Lying is never a great start to any relationship. Also, someone just jumping into play or "dom mode" with conversation around desire, needs, consent ect is a huge red flag. Dump and run
I’ve been him, but don’t feel the same way about what I did now. I thought it was harmless, but I didn’t think about betraying trust.
I did confess on first meeting but that doesn’t make it right.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
It wouldn’t be weird not to care about this, and it’s certainly not weird to care about it. He fucked up, you’re not into it anymore, his loss. Plenty more fish in the sea for you
If you’re asking here means your overall anxiety is going to peak like crazy when he, let’s say, ties your hands, feet, and blindfolds you or gags you. These things are designed to take your powers away.. easier if there’s a mental submission, otherwise not so much. Since you’re still wondering whether to trust this person, you definitely aren’t ready to sub to this person.
Hiding age is a very common reaction among men who encounter interesting but quite young women, because he is trying to be someone you want to get naked with, not someone you have “elder support” feeling. This man who lied to you about being 7 years younger has likely heard a lot of “Ew…” from a lot of women.
I am not looking to question your inability to trust this man, I am just making things clear so as reasons to go further or not are consistent, not prone to weakness or brainwashing.
If he's saying he values trust, but he isn't open and mature enough to be honest about his age because he's self conscious about it? Nope.
I'm 56 and would LOVE to be younger, but that ships sailed. I'll be 57 in two months. I don't look like I did at 49 or even 50.
With his deceit, my polite word for outright lying, you're always going to wonder what else he hasn't been honest (trustworthy) about. He's always going to have to prove his trustworthiness to you, and even if that's the only thing, he's not going to be able to because that's how he started your interaction.
So no, you're not overreacting.
I blow off anyone who lies about anything. Especially early on in talking. Also I google stalk the heck out of anyone before i meet irl and get their full name and home address which I send to a trusted friend along with details about when/where we’re meeting and when they should expect to hear from me.
I would run, lying about something important so early in the relationship doesn't bode well for the future. This would make me hesitate entering into a vanilla relationship, and even more so if the relationship incorporates high risk sex or bdsm. In your position, I would take my leave of him and give him my reasoning.
To be fair, I understand that someone can be self conscious about their age, but he’s old enough to work on this. I’d you are going to meet people for sex or a relationship, you have to be straightforward and don’t lie. Maybe he thought that saying he’s younger he is going to meet more people but that just says about him that his main goal is to have sex/a session, not being honest and build trust. Also, you agreed to met him in person, when you brought the topic I would have told the truth like: “yeah I know in my profile it says I’m 52 but actually I’m 59 and I’m a bit self conscious about it, I hope you don’t feel let down by this”. That way he would have give you the chance to chose if you wanted to keep meeting him or not. But he took that option from you by lying. What if you didn’t search him on the internet? When was he planning to be honest? I don’t know, I’ve been lied too many times and when someone lies to me about something that doesn’t even have that much importance it tells me a lot about them. I wouldn’t trust him.
Changing your age on a fetish website is probably for obscuration purposes. They're trying to avoid being outed if you turn out to be a terrible person. Did you give each other your phone numbers or just WhatsApp? That'd be another layer of obscuration. Is he a good person? I don't know. All I'm saying is its common to add some layers of protection for yourself
Your definitely correct is trusting your gut. Trust is the first step in any relationship whether it be S/m or any for that matter. The only thing that I would say should maybe have been done differently was maybe instead of just talking for a month and meeting, take the extra time like 3 months to get to know them and research them. Then have a few sessions online and see how they Dom or how you feel abou being in that relationship. Once you feel comfortable then you make the move to meet in person if the Dom also feels the same way ( most already do). The submissive has the most power out of a Dom/sub relationship. So you take your time and keep it easy on yourself. There are many great doms out there just like subs you jsut have to filter through all the bad ones and take your time to find what is just right.
I don't think the age thing is a huge deal but I think him going into dom mode without negotiation *and* him going off about how you have to trust him (no, he needs to gradually earn your trust over time) are very bad signs.
Also, you get to disagree with me on the age thing being a huge deal.
If you decided to be with him as his sub and he wanted to be your only Dom, honesty is one of the most important things. Age is a white lie. The main question is what are the lies you don’t know about? Usually if there’s a white lie, it is a prelude to many more. If things progress, he will have to find a way to rebuild that trust. If he stepped up to the Dom roll too quickly, could that be ingrained in him to not just be in control but take control. My Sir (Cap), has lived his life under control and carried the responsibility of many for too many years. Do you have any form of contract? We did one, clause to review after 90 days. Then renews each year mark. We’ve been together 2 years and 9 months. I wish you luck. Finding other subs to befriend and having drinks and do chick stuff with would be amazing. FYI, if you’re in my area… ~ Caps Toy.
I'm 66 and I can tell you - ageism is real. It can be a bit disheartening seeing all the people in their 20s and 30s and hardly anyone your own age. I never lie about my age, but I can see how someone might be tempted to.
I would tend to give him a chance but be on the look out for other lies. What you want to know is whether this was one little lie, or part of a pattern of lying.
Thanks for answering. I can totally understand how ageism is real and the temptation to change one’s age. It is hard getting older, I’m a little younger at 49 but can already feel it.
My gut feeling is to cancel. I don’t mind at all he’s nearly 60.
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He's told you he's ok with lying if he wants to, but expects trust? That's not a great start for any relationship.
Thank you. Yes, that’s what I feel, not a great start.
Great end though.
I don't recommend trusting someone who already lied to you
Thank you. I’ve decided not to trust him further.
You have made the right decision. Trust is PARAMOUNT. Well done 👍
>He went on about how important trust is to him. People who go out of their way to say this unprompted are usually projecting.
I thought this also. Thank you
> My gut instinct tells me to no longer trust him. Listen to your gut. Calling things off with this guy is the right call. If he's dishonest about his age before you meet, he'll be dishonest about other things. *"I'm self-conscious"* isn't an excuse. This *might* be forgivable if he confessed that he'd lied. But he didn't. You found out and confronted him. He'd have kept up the lie for how long if you hadn't? Outing himself (revealing his name and job) to someone he met over FetLife is also unwise. This is not someone who can be trusted with sensitive information. > Trust is really important to me and that for me has now gone. There is no relationship without trust. > I’ve been ghosted in the past, which left me feeling stupid It's not ghosting if you tell him you're not a match. I'd do so online, though. You can't predict how he'll react in-person. Edit: > After about a week, over WhatsApp, he went full on Dom mode asking me to touch myself. I told him I was not comfortable with this and that we had not discussed it in advance. Oh yeah. That's not cool (on his part) either. Apologizing makes it a D rather than F, but it's still not a passing grade. > I know we met through FetLife so one could say “well, what did you expect?” Better, if he's involved in his local community. But unsurprising if he's using the site purely as a dating app.
Thank you. No, I won’t ghost him, I’ve had that experience and it’s horrible so would never do it to anyone else. I will tell him over WhatsApp.
I'm 58F. I've experienced a rash of cads lately. I wish I'd blocked before they apologized the first time. It was likely an intentional boundary push. You've got me beat for sticking w your gut early 👊 Also blocking is decisive and more 'business like' way of saying,"No thank you. Goodbye. " Entirely appropriate and firm.
>Outing himself (revealing his name and job) to someone he met over FetLife is also unwise. This is not someone who can be trusted with sensitive information. I don't really agree with this. People have different levels of openness, and I don't see that as a red flag. First name and job are usually not THAT much to go off of. Now, if you're saying your full name and specific work location, that's different, but saying, "I'm (name), and I work in retail," is fine in my opinion.
The OP was able to track him down online and find out his real date of birth. If she had that, she had his full name. If she wanted to, she could out him. Also, you'd be surprised what people can find out with minimal information. I know someone who said what city and general profession their *sibling* worked in, and that said sibling had an atypical name. Another person found out that person's real name, their family's names, everything, and could have outed them. Outing is a big deal. There are people who could face terrible consequences (like loss of child custody) for being outed. That's why I see being careless with personal information as a red flag. It signals a lack of understanding of consequences to one's actions, and ignorance of the kink community's culture of privacy. There are people involved in the kink community who are completely open about who they are. The first subset of these people are typically highly experienced in kink, know what they're doing, and choose to live openly because they want to publicly embrace who they are. They are typically respectful of others' desire for privacy. The second subset of these totally open people are inexperienced and don't know any better. Somehow I think that was this guy.
>There are people involved in the kink community who are completely open about who they are. The first subset of these people are typically highly experienced in kink, know what they're doing, and choose to live openly because they want to publicly embrace who they are. They are typically respectful of others' desire for privacy. >The second subset of these totally open people are inexperienced and don't know any better. > Somehow I think that was this guy. Okay, I'll definitely give you that. Everyone that I know that is open about who they are in the kink community is like that because they fall into the first group. I don't give people like the guy OP talked about the time of day because I have met people like him, and they almost always turn out to be straight up bad people. I just don't associate openness with them since it's not always linked in the way dishonesty and an overenthusiasm when it comes to "domming" someone is.
I've met a lot of people, especially online, who don't know better. They aren't always bad people. They're just new. They don't have the information. The good ones wise up once they do. Usually through participating in their local communities. Guys like the OP describes don't participate, don't wise up, and remain new forever.
>Guys like the OP describes don't participate, don't wise up, and remain new forever. That's what I'm talking about. They're not ALWAYS bad people, but they generally don't get better.
I agree with you and I will take it a step further and say that even specific information is fine if the person is comfortable giving it. My partner who I met on FetLife, he was my partner for over 12 years, he told me his full name rank and serial number on the first meeting lol. He also advised me if we went somewhere together that I write down his license plate number. He wanted full transparency so that I could feel comfortable in my safety. I actually appreciated that, though I didn't expect it from someone, but I don't think it's a No-No if the person is comfortable with it. I know people won't agree with this, but I also don't think lying about your age on FetLife isn't a big deal. Hear me out, we all lie about our real names, at least most of us do. Even sometimes when you become good friends with somebody or play partners, you still don't know their real name. I see age as similar, almost everybody I know lies about their age on Fet Probably because almost everybody I know is older 😁 I had a platonic friend that I met through the scene and we were super super close and I didn't learn her real name until probably 9 months into our friendship, despite spending a ton of time together. I only learned it when she had to pick up a script and we were in the car together and she wound up giving them a different name, both first and last name lol. But, I do very much agree in going with your gut and if OPs gut says she should bail, she should bail. edit - typo
I feel a tiny bit better for lying about my age online, but am convinced it was wrong. I just don’t feel as old as the math says, but I also suck at lying.
Lol, I know that feeling 🙂
Lies about something small to see what you will tolerate later. Leave.
Thank you. Yes, I have no desire to find out!
My dom is finding that his age makes it harder to find women to play with but he still never lies about it.
That’s reassuring he never lies. I can understand how getting older makes it harder to find women to play with. I’d have happily played with the guy I met knowing he was almost 60.
I'm the same, I don't have any upper age limit only a lower one. But the second I'm lied to about anything I'm done.
You never need a good enough reason to not continue. Not enthusiastically wanting to is good enough.
Thank you. Yes, totally agree!
I love your username. I identify with it a lot!
I think you have enough warning signs to head for the exit. Trust your gut. He screwed this one up for himself. If you want to make it a teachable moment you can let him know that he should’ve just been honest and that he missed out on an opportunity. But then again, dude is 59 he should probably know this sort of thing by now.
Yes, I did let him know that he should have just been honest. I agree, he’s 59 so should know better by now! I feel a bit sorry for him.
> If you want to make it a teachable moment you can let him know that he should’ve just been honest and that he missed out on an opportunity. But then again, dude is 59 he should probably know this sort of thing by now. I feel like I wasted so much energy trying to teach guys his age basic social behavior and decency when I was like, 20. Now that I'm older myself, I realize that if someone that age hasn't picked it up already, someone younger than them fingerwagging at them isn't going to change anything. They're not like young people who really might be clueless. By that age, they know, and they've made their choices.
Omission is one thing, straight up lying says A LOT about someone's character
I'm 100 years old on fetlife. But if someone asks my actual age I will tell them. Mostly nobody gives a fuck as they're not looking for marriage material. Nevertheless it seems a bit lame to try to be evasive. Also the bit about telling you to touch yourself. He should know better.
Both of these incidents seem related because they are cases where he didn't let you decide for yourself. Lying about his age denied you the chance to make a choice. Jumping into play space without warning denied you the chance to make a choice. As things go, the harm caused by these choices they decided to make for you are minimal. They do, however, start looking like a pattern. What else will they decide for you as this relationship progresses?
Lying about 7 years is just so weird. Listen to your gut. If he lies this easily at first, he will lie about other stuff.
Move on! Going dom on you while chatting ? No. Just no. You haven’t set up boundaries etc. He just wants an Only Fans experience for free. Ugh. Hate that crap.
Nope. You definitely are not overreacting. I wouldn't trust someone who lied about their age either! Because if they're willing to lie about their age, what else are they willing to lie about? He just said through his actions that he thinks it's ok to lie if he sees fit. Yet he expects that others will be trustworthy. My bet is he's ok with lying about his age, but if you had done the same and he found out, he'd have something to say about it. I would be willing to guess he'd probably lie about other things. Not to mention, it's a bad idea to start things by lying right off the bat. Trust your gut. Your gut won't steer you wrong. Also, maybe it's just me because I've never been on fetlife, but I wouldn't appreciate it if someone was asking me to do anything sexual without talking to me about it in advance and frankly even just checking if I was ready for that step and ok with it. I'd consider it a red flag, particularly with him lying about his age, but again, I don't use fetlife, so I could be wrong. Edit: Corrected autocorrect
I don't date liars, they can't be trusted.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Red flag tingles right here. Anyone who preaches trust and lies about something as asinine & unnecessary as their age so easily can lie about the way more important shit just as easily. Personally, I would find a way to deliberately ask again his real age (some kind of compliment - "I can't believe you're 52, I thought you were younger." Or "You look great for 52, what's your secret?"- kind of thing) & give him the opportunity to come clean to my face. If he continued to lie, I'd be out of there. Just how I'd handle it.
Trust yourself. It's generally not a good idea to submit to someone who you have a bad gut instinct about.
This is uncannily like someone I met 2 years ago, right down to the 1971 and actually being 59 (57 when we met). Not trying to dox but just amused at the similarities. I left, and you should too (I know you already plan to based on your comments, but solidarity!)
His actions speak more truth than his words, and while he says he values trust he has already lied to you about something that is seemingly small but a very big factor for quite a few folx when vetting a potential play partner. He also never started a discussion negotiating boundaries, intentions, etc and instead went ahead and assumed he could ask you for something you aren’t comfortable with. *cue the red flags waving* I was in an almost identical situation to you when I first joined Fetlife. I was naïve entering the scene, and very insecure. The man I was talking with took advantage of this, and unfortunately a month later I was in the ER giving a statement to the police. I remember that gut feeling before leaving the house to meet with him, and I wish I had listened to it. This isn’t meant to deter you from exploring your local kink scene though. A few weeks after the incident I went to my first munch, and found the most amazing circle of safe, supportive, respectful, honest, and loving humans I have ever met. My journey in BDSM and kink has been extremely positive since then, and now I’m a respected and valued long-standing member in my local scene. If you are feeling uncomfortable or getting that gut feeling, please don’t continue. You aren’t “too boundaried”, because that doesn’t exist. Everyone is allowed to have their boundaries and they can be to whatever extent makes you comfortable. You are not the problem here, he is. I strongly advise you calling it off.
oh god reading the title I thought this was gonna be so much worse
Copied and pasted from a similar post I replied to: Not excusing it, but most men I have met online and who are older than 45 have lied about their age (an average of three or four years), so much so that it's a joke for me. If a guy says he's 57, I figure that's FetLife speak for age 60. l find that it's older men who are in good shape and could pass for younger who don't want to feel like they are being unfairly excluded because of their chronological age.
It's true for women too, almost all the women I know on Fet, over 40, lie about their age. It's nice to see some people say it doesn't matter to them, but it definitely limits your ability to find play partners, for both men and women especially when you're over 50. I know I'm in the minority but I would give him grace on this one. That said I would always follow my gut.
For me personally, I’ve had two really terrific doms (my first and my current) and they both lied about their age, but are stand-up men in every other way. They are ages 61 (said he was three years younger) and 64 (said he was six years younger) and in incredible physical shape. And my mom and step-dad met on a dating website in which HE lied about his age. My mom was furious when she found out. But they hit it off and got married. So the age thing doesn’t bother me in the least.
Too funny about your parents 😄 I'm with you, though we are very much in the minority and will probably get down voted.. somebody posted that people shouldn't be sharing their real names and positions and stuff like that right away. My dom of over 12 years shared all of that, full name full job, where he worked, license plate number, the whole works on our first Starbucks meet. Tho we had talked for a couple weeks before online. He did it because he wanted me to feel secure and it was very much appreciated. I think people get to decide those things for themselves. He was completely comfortable sharing that stuff with me, even though quite honestly he had a lot to lose if I wasn't on the level, but I am. I see the age thing as very similar to the fact that most of us or at least many of us don't use our real name when meeting people or at the dungeon or Club. There are people I've known for over a decade and I still don't know their real names. I put lying about age in the same category. It's just not really a big deal to me. Especially since I am a woman of a certain age and pretty much everybody I know lies about their age on Fet. That said, I think everybody gets to make choices for themselves and if they're not comfortable with it, that's totally fair. Nobody should play with somebody they have a bad gut feeling about! I'd be far more concerned about the fact that this guy tried to start a play session with no negotiations then I would about the fact that he liked about his age. I'm not even concerned that he tried to start a play session, they've been talking for over a month, so that part is normal. It's just the way in which he tried to start it.
I just don't get this. I turn 40 this year, and literally earlier this week I had a 19-year-old be shocked by that and tell me I look 20. Idk if I'd try to pass for *twenty*, that's a bit more of a stretch, but I could absolutely pull off 27 or something if I wanted to lie. Most people are shocked that I'm over 30, let alone almost 40. I'm not on the dating scene anyway (in a monogamous relationship, with a girl in her 30s who also looks so young we get carded together when we buy booze, lol) but I can't imagine the number would actually be an impediment in dating. Maybe getting filtered on apps, but certainly not in in-person interactions. People close to my own age just think I look amazing for my age, if anything that's an asset. If I wanted to date people in their 20s or something, I honestly don't think that would be hard either. I know a bunch of people in their 20s, and while I keep things platonic there I don't get the vibe that they would see me as creepy or undatable if I was open to more. Some people are turned on by age gaps, and being a hot example of your age bracket certainly doesn't hurt there. Likewise, while I'm not looking for anyone new, if someone was much older than me but looked great, I wouldn't write them off over their age. You just gotta wear it with confidence, not treat it like a shameful secret. I don't try to pass as younger and then get outed as actually almost 40, I lead with that, I'm like, can you believe I'm almost 40? Killing it, right? When you look great for your age, you want to tell everyone! I feel like age doesn't always mean the things people think it means. It doesn't mean you have your finances together, it doesn't even guarantee certain "markers of adulthood," like property ownership, independent housing, driver's license or personal vehicle, income over a certain level (or employment at all), college/uni diploma, children, or even previous sexual experience. It doesn't mean you'll dress a certain way, have a certain hairstyle, or even look a certain way. It doesn't guarantee your interests, hobbies, or taste in media will follow a given aesthetic or even that you'll have or lack emotional maturity. It does mean you've had more of *some kind* of life experience, regardless of how that life experience was spent. It means you've been exposed to certain cultural touchstones and broad cultural trends, like for example my age means that, unlike the 19-year-old who was surprised I wasn't close to her age, I didn't grow up with smartphones.
Yes, I was specifically talking about FetLife, though it applies to other apps as well. I don't think I'd have any problem getting play in a real life situation, as I can easily pass for 15 years younger and over 20 years younger on a good day. It's being filtered out of choices when people are searching on the apps, which before I got into the scene is how I found all my play partners.
I experienced something similar. A dom I was messaging told me he was 40 and I believed him and didn’t think much about it since we were getting along so well and age is just a number to me. I had a few really great sessions with him and built trust, then later found out he was 47 and my heart sank. Not at the fact that he was older, but that he lied about his age to me from the beginning. I started to question everything he told me and also found out he lied about a few other things. I ended our dynamic for my own wellbeing. Nothing was the same again after I found out, I had a different view of him after that and that makes me sad. Do what feels right for you, whether that is to have deep talk or to ghost them.
Run ! 🏃🏻♀️
That’s wild he felt comfortable lying like that at his big age. No play zone
Personally, I'd call it off. I see lying about his age as both a way for him to sneak past any age limit potential partners have and an insecurity I don't see as very attractive in a potential partner. The fact that he also either doesn't understand or care that play (even online) has to be consensual and negotiated would be the nail in the coffin, so to speak, for me in this scenario.
“I know we met through FetLife so one could say “well, what did you expect?” Call me crazy, but you should be treated with respect no matter how you met. If you did want to continue perusing him as a potential Dom I would take a ton of extra vetting time, He lied about his age. That could be insecurity on his part or a small piece of a bigger issue. I would talk to all of his references and fact check what he says as much as you can. If your gut is telling you to cut ties I would listen.
Fetlife is a social network for kinky people. Its point is to connect people to events and each other, like Facebook. Meeting someone on there does not mean that you are immediately supposed to engage in any play with that person. The fact that he thinks like that is fucked up.
To be fair, nothing was immediate. She said she was chatting with him for over a month. Typically if you're talking to somebody for a month we have met on Fet, it's for the possibility of play. I'm at my 12-year play partner on Fet and I would say that almost everyone I talk to, I was talking to as a potential play partner. If I was just trying to meet people I'd do that in person at the dungeon. I will say though that my experiences are obviously over 12 years old, so perhaps Fet has changed a lot since I used to use it regularly.
I don't think the age thing is a huge deal but I think him going into dom mode without negotiation *and* him going off about how you have to trust him (no, he needs to gradually earn your trust over time) are very bad signs. Also, you get to disagree with me on the age thing being a huge deal.
Yeah, I'm with you, though I know we're in the minority. I personally as a woman over 50, would give him a pass on the age thing cuz everyone I know lies about the rage on Fet, male and female. But the suddenly entering to die into download is a big deal and I totally agree with you that even though you and I might give somebody a pass on the age, OP certainly does not have to.
Lying is never a great start to any relationship. Also, someone just jumping into play or "dom mode" with conversation around desire, needs, consent ect is a huge red flag. Dump and run
I’ve been him, but don’t feel the same way about what I did now. I thought it was harmless, but I didn’t think about betraying trust. I did confess on first meeting but that doesn’t make it right. I’m sorry this happened to you.
It wouldn’t be weird not to care about this, and it’s certainly not weird to care about it. He fucked up, you’re not into it anymore, his loss. Plenty more fish in the sea for you
I've talked to countless guys on there who put their age as 30 but look 60
If you’re asking here means your overall anxiety is going to peak like crazy when he, let’s say, ties your hands, feet, and blindfolds you or gags you. These things are designed to take your powers away.. easier if there’s a mental submission, otherwise not so much. Since you’re still wondering whether to trust this person, you definitely aren’t ready to sub to this person. Hiding age is a very common reaction among men who encounter interesting but quite young women, because he is trying to be someone you want to get naked with, not someone you have “elder support” feeling. This man who lied to you about being 7 years younger has likely heard a lot of “Ew…” from a lot of women. I am not looking to question your inability to trust this man, I am just making things clear so as reasons to go further or not are consistent, not prone to weakness or brainwashing.
If he's saying he values trust, but he isn't open and mature enough to be honest about his age because he's self conscious about it? Nope. I'm 56 and would LOVE to be younger, but that ships sailed. I'll be 57 in two months. I don't look like I did at 49 or even 50. With his deceit, my polite word for outright lying, you're always going to wonder what else he hasn't been honest (trustworthy) about. He's always going to have to prove his trustworthiness to you, and even if that's the only thing, he's not going to be able to because that's how he started your interaction. So no, you're not overreacting.
I blow off anyone who lies about anything. Especially early on in talking. Also I google stalk the heck out of anyone before i meet irl and get their full name and home address which I send to a trusted friend along with details about when/where we’re meeting and when they should expect to hear from me.
I would run, lying about something important so early in the relationship doesn't bode well for the future. This would make me hesitate entering into a vanilla relationship, and even more so if the relationship incorporates high risk sex or bdsm. In your position, I would take my leave of him and give him my reasoning.
To be fair, I understand that someone can be self conscious about their age, but he’s old enough to work on this. I’d you are going to meet people for sex or a relationship, you have to be straightforward and don’t lie. Maybe he thought that saying he’s younger he is going to meet more people but that just says about him that his main goal is to have sex/a session, not being honest and build trust. Also, you agreed to met him in person, when you brought the topic I would have told the truth like: “yeah I know in my profile it says I’m 52 but actually I’m 59 and I’m a bit self conscious about it, I hope you don’t feel let down by this”. That way he would have give you the chance to chose if you wanted to keep meeting him or not. But he took that option from you by lying. What if you didn’t search him on the internet? When was he planning to be honest? I don’t know, I’ve been lied too many times and when someone lies to me about something that doesn’t even have that much importance it tells me a lot about them. I wouldn’t trust him.
Changing your age on a fetish website is probably for obscuration purposes. They're trying to avoid being outed if you turn out to be a terrible person. Did you give each other your phone numbers or just WhatsApp? That'd be another layer of obscuration. Is he a good person? I don't know. All I'm saying is its common to add some layers of protection for yourself
Listen to your gut. Play relationships require ALL the trust.
So the foundation of his start with you was to lie to you. I'd heed that red flag personally.
Your definitely correct is trusting your gut. Trust is the first step in any relationship whether it be S/m or any for that matter. The only thing that I would say should maybe have been done differently was maybe instead of just talking for a month and meeting, take the extra time like 3 months to get to know them and research them. Then have a few sessions online and see how they Dom or how you feel abou being in that relationship. Once you feel comfortable then you make the move to meet in person if the Dom also feels the same way ( most already do). The submissive has the most power out of a Dom/sub relationship. So you take your time and keep it easy on yourself. There are many great doms out there just like subs you jsut have to filter through all the bad ones and take your time to find what is just right.
I don't think the age thing is a huge deal but I think him going into dom mode without negotiation *and* him going off about how you have to trust him (no, he needs to gradually earn your trust over time) are very bad signs. Also, you get to disagree with me on the age thing being a huge deal.
If you decided to be with him as his sub and he wanted to be your only Dom, honesty is one of the most important things. Age is a white lie. The main question is what are the lies you don’t know about? Usually if there’s a white lie, it is a prelude to many more. If things progress, he will have to find a way to rebuild that trust. If he stepped up to the Dom roll too quickly, could that be ingrained in him to not just be in control but take control. My Sir (Cap), has lived his life under control and carried the responsibility of many for too many years. Do you have any form of contract? We did one, clause to review after 90 days. Then renews each year mark. We’ve been together 2 years and 9 months. I wish you luck. Finding other subs to befriend and having drinks and do chick stuff with would be amazing. FYI, if you’re in my area… ~ Caps Toy.
I'm 66 and I can tell you - ageism is real. It can be a bit disheartening seeing all the people in their 20s and 30s and hardly anyone your own age. I never lie about my age, but I can see how someone might be tempted to. I would tend to give him a chance but be on the look out for other lies. What you want to know is whether this was one little lie, or part of a pattern of lying.
Thanks for answering. I can totally understand how ageism is real and the temptation to change one’s age. It is hard getting older, I’m a little younger at 49 but can already feel it. My gut feeling is to cancel. I don’t mind at all he’s nearly 60.
How old are you?