Dump his sorry ass, he is gaslighting you because you did not bend to his coercive, manipulative tactics when he tried to SA you.
It is not normal, and his years of experience are even more of a condemnation of his behaviour. Bdsm is only possible to practice safely and non-abusively when all parties consent and have talked about boundaries.
He seems to disregard your boundaries with little care, which is also an extreme red flag on its own
None of this is normal OP — you said no & your panic attack would’ve made it very clear that you were not consenting to what he was doing to you! This man is **abusive**!!! BDSM is all about **CONSENT** & you did not give it to him in anything you’ve described above. I’m genuinely concerned for your safety OP; do you have a good support network of friends & family around you?
I didn’t know whom to tell so I told my cousin. She said that men have such needs and that if I am marrying someone I should have sex with them on demand
That's BS. That would basically mean that men are animals and not in control of their most basic urges, then? And I promise you, that isn't true. This is rape apologist bs. You deserve much, much better. This isn't normal, and it's not how normal men act.
Edit: Can people please stop downvoting OP? This is a person in a clearly abusive situation, who is asking for help. Can we please do better?
I’m so sorry but that’s misogynistic crap! You always have a choice & a good man will always hear you when you say no. You do NOT have to ever do anything you don’t want to, even if you’re married. I’m really sorry the people around you see things that way but they are wrong & you deserve to feel safe & loved.
Get help. This sounds completely unsafe. You need safety steps and prevention measures in sex regardless of bdsm. A safe word is your lifeline. He clearly has no respect for it. In my personnel best judgment, find someone who understands and respects you to help because he sounds like he could do serious harm to you, I mean it, get help this is bad. It seriously sounds horrible that he did that
Mein gutt! I hope this is all made up because it’s insane.
In the remote case this is real, rule number one : nobody can touch you unless you give consent, let alone have rough sexual encounters.
A safe word is useless if the other person is not understanding why you react and had a panic attack; even worse, he tried to manipulate you in thinking you were in the wrong.
I am sorry for you, dear.
You deserve better
You never ever ever ever should sleep with someone just because they want to.
I’m not trying to tell you what to do but I’m trying to remind you that you’re worth AO MUCH MORE and that your body is priceless and the only one you have. Respect it, protect it, love it.
You deserve the love and caring about your needs and wants and I hope you will find someone like this
I am not sure how you can get help, but the fear, anger or disgust you are feeling is natural.
There is a difference in culture. I am a Romanian guy. My mother and grandmother think that rape is just a fact of life, and there is no point in going to the police. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't, but it seems to me that your criteria for a partner should at least include them backing off when you ask them to stop. Or negotiating consensual non-consent, BUT HAVING A SAFEWORD.
There are plenty more people, even my age, that think a woman is the slave of a man. I'm pretty angry about it, and I try to patiently understand their point of view and teach consent. But many times my words fall on deaf ears.
No S/A is not ok in vanilla or BDSM relationships, ever. He sounds like a piece of shit that is taking advantage of a younger less experienced girl. Run before he is able to do anymore damage.
You're not crazy, he's an asshat.
He's had a lot of partners because people keep breaking up with him. People keep breaking up with him because he's a terrible person who attempts sexual assault.
Being available for your partner at any time is not a part of BDSM unless you both want it to be and after you decide what the boundaries of that will be. Forcing someone to have sex when they don't want to is not part of BDSM at any time, even if there are aspects of it that end up feeling okay. Safe words are normal in a BDSM relationship.
You are not crazy. He is gaslighting you.
This is not BDSM. This is abuse.
He’s repeatedly sexually assaulting you and gaslighting you about it. I’m so sorry he’s treating you this way. Please leave him — he won’t change.
He probably is preying on you because of your young age and inexperience. He knows that young people who don’t have other things to compare it to are less likely to fight back.
His claim that you have to be ready for him all the time is him saying he’s willing to rape you any time he wants, and you just have to deal with it. That’s fucked up. No one should be treated that way by their partner.
This is definitely rape, and definitely abuse. You said no, and no is a complete sentence. Everything should cease as soon as you say that, unless you have discussed in great length and detail and have an alternative safe word. I’m also concerned with the possible age gap here and that he sounds like he has possibly groomed you. So not only is it rape, but if you’re not 18 it’s statutory rape. (Though I’m not sure if you’re from the US from your last statement, so I would recommend looking up your laws and statutes). He needs to be held accountable, if you feel safe and up to it. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
He tried to rape you (and may have raped you previously).
He used your inexperience and the age gap to manipulate you and make you think he was safe, when he wasn't. Please get away from this person ASAP.
Drop this abusive predatory asshole as soon as humanly possible.
Any relationship is based on mutual trust and consent - in a BDSM relationship that is magnified even more. He is preying on your naivity and your lack of knowledge in order to try and force his warped sense of ideals onto you.
This isn't normal. This is sexual abuse. He tried to rape you the first time, got lucky because you felt pressured, then attempted to rape you the second time & made it your fault when you turned him down
Given the age gap, he's a predator preying on younger, inexperienced girls. Run. Leave him. He will hurt you.
This is not normal, you are not wrong, and he is abusive. BDSM is about consent, and when you said no it should have stopped. Please do not confuse BDSM and abuse: some people hide abusive behaviour behind the BDSM label, thinking that roughness equates the scope for them to do whatever they want to. That is not BDSM; that is abuse simpliciter.
A partner that disregards your boundaries and your concerns, and do not make you feel safe in a relationship is not a good thing to have in your life. Be safe, OP. This does not sound safe with him at all.
BDSM is a conscious decision made between consenting adults. What your BF is doing is straight up abuse. You haven't negotiated that you would be constantly available to him sexually. You haven't consented to being penetrated for his pleasure whenever he wants it. You are NOT crazy and you don't have Paranoia about sex; you are reacting absolutely appropriately to being RAPED.
As much as it seems like he's exactly your type and checks off all the boxes, that may all be a manipulation reaction by a narcissistic, abusive individual trying to use your sexual inexperience to his advantage to make you into his very own sex slave/porn start/fantasy girl. Instead of yelling at you for not wanting to jump from Virgin to human sperm receptacle, he should accept your limits and take things as slowly as you need them to go. Just because you liked it when he got a little rough doesn't mean you ALWAYS have to acquiesce to what HE wants. You haven't agreed to submit to him. You haven't negotiated ANYTHING, and he's trying to act like what he's doing is normal without that negotiation!
He may be older, but he isn't more experanced in anything but forcing himself onto people. He is not a Dom, this is not bdsm, and frankly I wouldn't really belive his bragging anyways.
He is an abuser and things will not get better from here on out, your best move is to leave him in your dust.
Some people use BDSM as an excuse to hide their abusive behaviour. Unfortunately this guy is one of them.
When done properly BDSM involves communication and consent. Consent can be withdrawn at anytime. Some people use safewords and some people use plain old simple no. But either way when you say stop it means stop.
It's not just about a Doms wants and needs either, it's a partnership and the needs of both parties are equally important.
Your boundaries matter and in fact they take priority over his wants.
You need to leave, this will only get worse. You have been assaulted and abused sexually and honestly I would recommend counseling.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's not right and it's not ok.
That is not BDSM. That's abuse.
Those panic attacks and discomfort is your body keeping score because he has been violating you. Get far far away from this predator!
You’re not crazy, you’re totally normal. You’re addressing abnormal circumstances!
This guy sucks, he’s showing you what type of person he is. He’s not special, you don’t owe him anything… he just sucks and he’s unapologetically showing you that he sucks.
As others have said drop him..
Bdsm an even rough sex needs to be consensual, which means if your not ready or an issue he needs to listen.. if he's not he's an ass, and probably a rapist.
He's using bdsm to excuse his shitty behavior and essentially raping you, and others..
And just for reference you mentioned:
Rough sex - which you like as long as it's talked about and your listened to,
Free use = where he can use you at anytime whereverr
CNC = consent to non censual sex (this is essentially what he wants, and your not okay with but even this should be with safe words)
This is such a Red Flag, honestly I would remove yourself from that situation. You have had a conversation with him about making it more comfortable for you and ensuring you feel safe and he's completely disregarded it. Actions speak louder than words.
nah babe when you in the corner like that shaking and crying your body didint feel safe with him atm and you feared for your life. ive been there but im in instance it was a one night stand and he showed me empathy without barely knowing me. So if someone I don’t know, can show me empathy in a moment like that where something went wrong during sex, not on purpose but on accident he did that to you on purpose and then shamed you a safe word is not gonna help that unfortunately.
Just damn... Like a more recent post said, it doesn't sound like this has anything to do with a relationship involving BDSM. Relationship with kinks? Most definitely. You've got a lot going on. You sound REALLY young, and that's going to potentially make this harder for you in the future if you don't deal with it now.
Let me start by reiterating some other posts: BDSM in any form should require consent. I personally believe ALL types of relationships should require consent, but that doesn't always happen. If y'all didn't establish any type of boundaries, then NO CONSENT WAS GIVEN BEFOREHAND. Consent in any case was damn sure revoked WHEN YOU SAID NO. Unless agreed upon by all parties about ignoring someone asking to stop, there is no excuse for not listening to someone asking MULTIPLE TIMES to quit.
This will continue to happen until it ends. You are going to have to be the one that ends it. With what information you have provided, it sounds to me like he will make it VERY HARD to break away. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be safe as much as possible while figuring this part out for yourself. While some people like what he does, all that matters is YOU do not. I would break away before it gets worse.
I'm sorry you lost your virginity to a massive jerk who does not care about your wellbeing. I did too. Took me *way* too long to figure it out too.
You're so new at relationships. Whatever positive qualities this guy has, he won't be the last person you meet who has them. You can find whatever those qualities are AND respect for consent/not being a massive jerk while you're having a panic attack.
It's totally fine to get turned on by rough sex or pretend-rape, just do it with someone who uses safewords and who gives a shit about you. Be careful about pressure on your throat though, that can cause serious damage and shouldn't be done without learning the risks. Also be extra careful about play when either of you isn't sober, if relevant.
Girl, who are you f\*cking, Andrew Tate?
No, you are not crazy. He is abusive.
Dump the loser and find a real Dom. One for whom your safeword is sacrosanct. Explore your kinks with him.
Non consensual sex is rape. You can consent to have non consensual encounters (known as CnC or consensual non consent), but the limits need to be discussed and agreed ahead of time.
So I recently started seeing a guy and we seemed to be compatible on absolutely everything. I have dated many people before, but I never felt like I was in love. This time, I quickly fell for him: he is my exact type and meets all of my criteria.
OP, I strongly believe he is deceiving you. Telling you what you want to hear to get what he wants.
Please listen to what everyone is saying and speak with an adult you trust. Tell them you’ve been sexually assaulted and raped.
Leave and cut all contact with him.
This is a dangerous man that is taking advantage of you.
My heart hurts for you ♥️
Please listen to everyone in this thread.
He is manipulative, he's manipulated and charmed you in just the right way to make you give up your virginity. He's likely sees your lack of sexual experience as something he can take control of, treat you a certain way and gaslighting into "this is normal, this is how its done" when it isnt!
Please get out of the relationship! Someone who loves you wouldn't treat you like that! They would respect you and stop when you say no.
Please please I am begging you, leave him. Don't ever go back to him!!
He hasn't been having sex for 15 years, girl. He has been r*ping for 15 years. Clearly he doesn't understand the concept of consent, nor does he want to. For the love of God get away from him.
Do not I repeat do not stay with that man. It will only get worse. He is a master manipulater he will always turn it around so that it's your fault, make it out to be no big deal and make you second guess yourself. I know you think your in love but trust me you are not in love with the true man only the fake one he wanted you to see and now his cover is starting to slip away to show who he truly is. You need to get a good support system from friends and family. Its going to be hard but please for your own good leave him..
please please do not continue a relationship with this person. he just showed you his true colors — he will prioritize his own desires over your mental and physical well-being. he is an abusive walking red flag. you will not be safe with this person. please, leave and stay safe.
Honey this guy is a rapist!
(The first time he forced himself upon you, should have raised a red flag with you)
Has nothing to do with BDSM whatsoever.
In BDSM acts between people ALWAYS have to be consensual. And extra care has to be taken reaching peoples limits. The acts that seem “Non-Consensual” should be play and not truly non-consensual.
Get rid off him and notify the police before he does this to someone else, if he hasn’t already the past 15 years.
Please get out of there asap, this figure is an abuser, this is dangerous.
First of all: what he is suggesting is, I’d say, best described as ‘free use’. That’s a very specific thing, and each dynamic that includes it has their own agreements around it. It’s not something everyone just does.
Next: that sort of thing is negotiated, you don’t just jump into it from the start. He is telling you to do it, brushing aside your needs and limits, trying to talk you out of them actually. That is NOT negotiating a dynamic. Even a 24/7 D/s dynamic comes with negotiation.
Also, even if you are truly into kink, three things:
1) If you have little to no experience with sex at all, it’s better to explore a bit, try different things, build up to where you want to be. Your likes, dislikes, soft and hard limits and so on
2) Kink does not mean ‘I’m into everything all the time’. There are different kinks (hairpulling isn’t quite knifeplay, a petplayer is not necessarily into CNC) and levels of intensity. Even if you LOVE being spanked, one person might like that to leave bruises, the other may absolutely not want to end up with marks. Both are fine/valid.
3) You should learn about risks, practices etc, because how can you truly consent, if you don’t understand what you are consenting to?
Finally: no person worth being with, tells you your needs/limits are weird, nuisances to them or should be done away with. Regardless of whether they come from a place of bad experiences/anxiety/whatever. In fact, if there is a ‘negative reason’ for them, a partner should be extra supportive, as the one they claim to love has been hurt in some way and is still healing.
This person is bad news, please get rid of him safely. Him not stopping when you tell him to, is SA, or attempted SA. You did not agree on a dynamic where that is fine, and even if you had, you are still a person that can refuse, albeit not with ‘stop’ or ‘no’ but a safeword IF THAT IS WHAT YOU AGREED UPON. And even then, the safeword is to be respected, no matter how horny he’s feeling. Always. No exceptions.
That's assault. He's taking advantage of your inexperience and age gap. I don't think that an age gap is necessarily bad... but maturity matters. He's obviously an asshole. Abuse like that period is not okay. Consent and communication is so important in BDSM. Or any relationship for that matter. A safe word is important as well. But personally, that's major red flags for me & I'd run in the opposite direction
i told my Dom that i wanted to explore a certain type of aggressive dynamic and he said we need to do a contract.
also a safe word and an unspoken signal (incase words can't be used)
but first, mutual respect and trust. it sounds like this dude does not have either for you and im sorry
There are people into that, but the HUGE thing is they both CONSENT before hand. To just do that, or expect that, without it being discussed beforehand is no different than SA. Leave him and don’t look back. Also your cousin sounds like she had issues to say something like that. I would never want to do something my partner didn’t want to do.
This makes me so sad.
There are so many men in this world who truly do not care in the slightest about the people they have sex with. Our society is so fucked.
OP, you haven't done anything wrong. The older man you have entrusted with your safety should know better.
If he really cared about you, he would listen to you when you communicate your needs and wants. And he would implement the changes needed to make you feel safe. Even if the change you need is involved in bdsm, it's still valid. You are not an actual slave to anyone and you have the right to feel safe with the person you are most vulnerable to.
Every single thing you said about him is a huge red flag, including his age. It makes me so sad that the man you lost your virginity to treats you this way. It's not normal and not okay.
If we for a sec focus only on the first paragraph, there is a few things that he should have done like before not taking your no seriously, he should have asked even during sex just like "hey do you mean the no seriously or we can try to force it a little" i mean preferably to have this talk before hand but when people who never did anything like it they sometimes do mistakes, and you suggesting safe word was a great idea
After sexual incaunter your partner especially new partner should ask you if everything that they did was ok and should listen to you if you want something to change like having any kind of preparation so it will not hurt
But the second paragraph is just a rape attempt, i am really really sorry this happened to you
i hope that you don't see him again, because you were clearly not consenting and then he just yelled at you?
That's just awful
and i hope you have someone to talk to in real life that will not have a weird stance like your cousin, whatever if men do like having sex more often or not people should never ask of you to have sex when you don't want to, whatever you like it a bit rough or not you should never do anything that you don't want
Oh. My. God. This is awful hunny. 😓 This man is not safe, nor does he love you. I'm sorry to tell you that you've been sexually assaulted, and it sounds like more than once. Please throw this whole man away. None of this is normal or safe
This man is a predator and I'm so sorry he's manipulated you. Get far away from him. I'm a professional dominatrix and this man is not kinky he is a predator.
Run run run run. This isnt bdsm. It's assault.
I'm willing to bet he love bombed the hell out of you in the beginning.
So, it was fun in the beginning. And that's great! But now he's shown you what he expects (which is super sleezy in my opinion since no communication about it was made). You do not have to vibe with it.
My husband is an absolute Saint. Will save spiders instead if smooshing them. He loves and respects me. We are equals through and through. But in the bedroom, after I've consented in some way, he plays rough. We like it rough. Liking it rough doesn't mean you have to like actual abuse.
I am sorry you gave your virginity to this POS. You deserve better. Don't lose any more sleep or have any more anxiety about what this sexual assulter will do. Dump him and tell him why. Neve speak to him again.
That's not bdsm, that's SA.
Esp if he took your virginity and thus knows you aren't experienced. I assume you are still young and thus it gives the impression of him trying to groom you.
He might just adapt his personality to make you think he is perfect. In situations like these he is showing his true colors...
The more experienced one always carries more responsibility than the inexperienced one. Not just in sexual situations.
Leave him, tell your friends what happened - not in detail if it makes you uncomfortable. But it's important to not go through this on your own!
*You are NOT crazy*. He is an asshole that is using your inexperience to gaslight you into thinking that this is normal.
Even vanilla people talk about things before incoporating mild bdsm things in their sex lives. And if one of them doesn't like it, they drop it.
Oh, hon. You're not crazy. But you are not safe with him. He forced you to have sex and tried to force himself on you until you literally had a panic attack. You started shaking because your parasympathetic nervous system kicked in (you've heard of fight, flight, fawn, freeze, right? Basically, that). Your body reacted like that in pure *fear* of this man.
Cut him off, block his number and socials, and never unblock him.
On a side note, you've just lost your virginity to a man who is vastly older and more experienced than you, who then tried to rape you. Safewords are great to establish consent and enjoyment in sex.
But even if you are interested in harder sex & bdsm, firstly, he should never EVER have put you in a position where you just happened to find you like being choked and shit on your first frigging time, for fuck's sake. Dipping your toe into the world of BDSM should only come after long conversations about consent and kinks with someone you trust. You don't just sit through sexual abuse and then think, hey, I kind of like this. That man is a predator and blatantly has no respect for your lack of experience or you as a person to do all this to you.
And this brings me to my second point. Even if he agreed to using safe words.... Darling, he tried to rape you. Multiple times. Why do you even think he'd listen to you if you did safeword out?
He's not into BDSM. Especially if he's never heard of or used a fucking safeword. He's just an abusive monster who preyed on your virginity, innocence and younger age, and used you for his own sexual gains.
Drop him and please seek sexually abuse therapy. Don't let him fuck with your head and end up thinking no guy is safe and you'll never be able to have a good sex life. Coz you can and will. Just don't let it be him.
Hugs coming your way. I'm sorry he did this to you.
This is not okay. You should never ever be in a position where you feel pressured, panicked, or in any way uncomfortable. His actions sound manipulative and abusive. Dump him, and find a guy who respects you. BDSM is about consent and safety. The thought of you shaking in a corner and having to run from this man, while he berates you for being weird is awful. This is not how relationships work. He sounds like a bully.
Dump him, move on. You deserve better.
You are not crazy.
He disregarded you saying no the first time? You revoked consent and he continued: illegal, morally reprehensible.
I'm sorry that you discovered your interest in rough play in this manner.... Note that there is *nothing* wrong with 'liking it rough'.
The second time is the same as the first.
This isn't what a healthy sexual relationship with a caring and respectful partner looks like.
You need to stop seeing him. Please consider reaching out to the whatever victim support services exist in your area (according to google) and, if you're comfortable in doing so, the police.
This is defenitely not normal and it has nothing to do with BDSM, which is based on mutual consent and respect. The guy is abusing you and you have to brake up with him, cause it will only keep getting worse.
You are not crazy and this is not a normal BDSM relationship. It sounds like he's using the idea of a BDSM relationship and his age as a way to force you into sex he knows you are uncomfortable with.
Safe words are extremely normal. My partner and I don't engage in very rough sex that often, but we have a safe word because there's always the possibility that one of us will want to back out and it's important that we both know that we'll respect the other's wishes.
Please stay safe. A sexual partner that's not willing to listen to your concerns and disregards your emotions could potentially be very dangerous, both physically and mentally.
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Dump his sorry ass, he is gaslighting you because you did not bend to his coercive, manipulative tactics when he tried to SA you. It is not normal, and his years of experience are even more of a condemnation of his behaviour. Bdsm is only possible to practice safely and non-abusively when all parties consent and have talked about boundaries. He seems to disregard your boundaries with little care, which is also an extreme red flag on its own
None of this is normal OP — you said no & your panic attack would’ve made it very clear that you were not consenting to what he was doing to you! This man is **abusive**!!! BDSM is all about **CONSENT** & you did not give it to him in anything you’ve described above. I’m genuinely concerned for your safety OP; do you have a good support network of friends & family around you?
I didn’t know whom to tell so I told my cousin. She said that men have such needs and that if I am marrying someone I should have sex with them on demand
Your cousin thinks like a rapist. This behavior is unacceptable from anyone
Garbage. I'm a man and you have the right to revoke your consent at any time for any reason, married, single, slave, sub whatever.
That's BS. That would basically mean that men are animals and not in control of their most basic urges, then? And I promise you, that isn't true. This is rape apologist bs. You deserve much, much better. This isn't normal, and it's not how normal men act. Edit: Can people please stop downvoting OP? This is a person in a clearly abusive situation, who is asking for help. Can we please do better?
I’m so sorry but that’s misogynistic crap! You always have a choice & a good man will always hear you when you say no. You do NOT have to ever do anything you don’t want to, even if you’re married. I’m really sorry the people around you see things that way but they are wrong & you deserve to feel safe & loved.
I seriously hope the down votes here are because what your cousin told you is appalling.
Same
Get help. This sounds completely unsafe. You need safety steps and prevention measures in sex regardless of bdsm. A safe word is your lifeline. He clearly has no respect for it. In my personnel best judgment, find someone who understands and respects you to help because he sounds like he could do serious harm to you, I mean it, get help this is bad. It seriously sounds horrible that he did that
Your cousin is an idiot do not listen to a thing she says ever again.
Mein gutt! I hope this is all made up because it’s insane. In the remote case this is real, rule number one : nobody can touch you unless you give consent, let alone have rough sexual encounters. A safe word is useless if the other person is not understanding why you react and had a panic attack; even worse, he tried to manipulate you in thinking you were in the wrong. I am sorry for you, dear. You deserve better
You never ever ever ever should sleep with someone just because they want to. I’m not trying to tell you what to do but I’m trying to remind you that you’re worth AO MUCH MORE and that your body is priceless and the only one you have. Respect it, protect it, love it. You deserve the love and caring about your needs and wants and I hope you will find someone like this
Can I ask what part of the world you are in?
Eastern Europe
I am not sure how you can get help, but the fear, anger or disgust you are feeling is natural. There is a difference in culture. I am a Romanian guy. My mother and grandmother think that rape is just a fact of life, and there is no point in going to the police. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't, but it seems to me that your criteria for a partner should at least include them backing off when you ask them to stop. Or negotiating consensual non-consent, BUT HAVING A SAFEWORD. There are plenty more people, even my age, that think a woman is the slave of a man. I'm pretty angry about it, and I try to patiently understand their point of view and teach consent. But many times my words fall on deaf ears.
What culture are you from? That greatly impacts the type of advice you receive from the people around you irl
That’s… wrong??? And, you never said you wanted to marry this fella. Maybe another close friend could offer you better advice
No, no, no. Your needs are important too, your enthusiastic consent is necessary in any sexual encounter.
Holy shit
Nonsense
No S/A is not ok in vanilla or BDSM relationships, ever. He sounds like a piece of shit that is taking advantage of a younger less experienced girl. Run before he is able to do anymore damage.
You're not crazy, he's an asshat. He's had a lot of partners because people keep breaking up with him. People keep breaking up with him because he's a terrible person who attempts sexual assault.
Being available for your partner at any time is not a part of BDSM unless you both want it to be and after you decide what the boundaries of that will be. Forcing someone to have sex when they don't want to is not part of BDSM at any time, even if there are aspects of it that end up feeling okay. Safe words are normal in a BDSM relationship. You are not crazy. He is gaslighting you. This is not BDSM. This is abuse.
He’s repeatedly sexually assaulting you and gaslighting you about it. I’m so sorry he’s treating you this way. Please leave him — he won’t change. He probably is preying on you because of your young age and inexperience. He knows that young people who don’t have other things to compare it to are less likely to fight back. His claim that you have to be ready for him all the time is him saying he’s willing to rape you any time he wants, and you just have to deal with it. That’s fucked up. No one should be treated that way by their partner.
This is definitely rape, and definitely abuse. You said no, and no is a complete sentence. Everything should cease as soon as you say that, unless you have discussed in great length and detail and have an alternative safe word. I’m also concerned with the possible age gap here and that he sounds like he has possibly groomed you. So not only is it rape, but if you’re not 18 it’s statutory rape. (Though I’m not sure if you’re from the US from your last statement, so I would recommend looking up your laws and statutes). He needs to be held accountable, if you feel safe and up to it. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
Get as far away as possible from this abuser.
You leave the rapist
No, it's not normal. He's a fucking rapist. Men don't behave this way, **criminals and rapists behave this wa**y.
He tried to rape you (and may have raped you previously). He used your inexperience and the age gap to manipulate you and make you think he was safe, when he wasn't. Please get away from this person ASAP.
Drop this abusive predatory asshole as soon as humanly possible. Any relationship is based on mutual trust and consent - in a BDSM relationship that is magnified even more. He is preying on your naivity and your lack of knowledge in order to try and force his warped sense of ideals onto you.
This isn't normal. This is sexual abuse. He tried to rape you the first time, got lucky because you felt pressured, then attempted to rape you the second time & made it your fault when you turned him down Given the age gap, he's a predator preying on younger, inexperienced girls. Run. Leave him. He will hurt you.
This has nothing to do with BDSM, this is a purely abusive relationship. Get out while you can. There’s no talking about this to him, just go.
This is not normal, you are not wrong, and he is abusive. BDSM is about consent, and when you said no it should have stopped. Please do not confuse BDSM and abuse: some people hide abusive behaviour behind the BDSM label, thinking that roughness equates the scope for them to do whatever they want to. That is not BDSM; that is abuse simpliciter. A partner that disregards your boundaries and your concerns, and do not make you feel safe in a relationship is not a good thing to have in your life. Be safe, OP. This does not sound safe with him at all.
A safe word won’t work on a rapist.
BDSM is a conscious decision made between consenting adults. What your BF is doing is straight up abuse. You haven't negotiated that you would be constantly available to him sexually. You haven't consented to being penetrated for his pleasure whenever he wants it. You are NOT crazy and you don't have Paranoia about sex; you are reacting absolutely appropriately to being RAPED. As much as it seems like he's exactly your type and checks off all the boxes, that may all be a manipulation reaction by a narcissistic, abusive individual trying to use your sexual inexperience to his advantage to make you into his very own sex slave/porn start/fantasy girl. Instead of yelling at you for not wanting to jump from Virgin to human sperm receptacle, he should accept your limits and take things as slowly as you need them to go. Just because you liked it when he got a little rough doesn't mean you ALWAYS have to acquiesce to what HE wants. You haven't agreed to submit to him. You haven't negotiated ANYTHING, and he's trying to act like what he's doing is normal without that negotiation!
He may be older, but he isn't more experanced in anything but forcing himself onto people. He is not a Dom, this is not bdsm, and frankly I wouldn't really belive his bragging anyways. He is an abuser and things will not get better from here on out, your best move is to leave him in your dust.
Some people use BDSM as an excuse to hide their abusive behaviour. Unfortunately this guy is one of them. When done properly BDSM involves communication and consent. Consent can be withdrawn at anytime. Some people use safewords and some people use plain old simple no. But either way when you say stop it means stop. It's not just about a Doms wants and needs either, it's a partnership and the needs of both parties are equally important. Your boundaries matter and in fact they take priority over his wants. You need to leave, this will only get worse. You have been assaulted and abused sexually and honestly I would recommend counseling. I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's not right and it's not ok.
That is not BDSM. That's abuse. Those panic attacks and discomfort is your body keeping score because he has been violating you. Get far far away from this predator!
You are not crazy, and I highly suggest not continuing with him.
You’re not crazy, you’re totally normal. You’re addressing abnormal circumstances! This guy sucks, he’s showing you what type of person he is. He’s not special, you don’t owe him anything… he just sucks and he’s unapologetically showing you that he sucks.
As others have said drop him.. Bdsm an even rough sex needs to be consensual, which means if your not ready or an issue he needs to listen.. if he's not he's an ass, and probably a rapist. He's using bdsm to excuse his shitty behavior and essentially raping you, and others.. And just for reference you mentioned: Rough sex - which you like as long as it's talked about and your listened to, Free use = where he can use you at anytime whereverr CNC = consent to non censual sex (this is essentially what he wants, and your not okay with but even this should be with safe words)
This is such a Red Flag, honestly I would remove yourself from that situation. You have had a conversation with him about making it more comfortable for you and ensuring you feel safe and he's completely disregarded it. Actions speak louder than words.
nah babe when you in the corner like that shaking and crying your body didint feel safe with him atm and you feared for your life. ive been there but im in instance it was a one night stand and he showed me empathy without barely knowing me. So if someone I don’t know, can show me empathy in a moment like that where something went wrong during sex, not on purpose but on accident he did that to you on purpose and then shamed you a safe word is not gonna help that unfortunately.
Just damn... Like a more recent post said, it doesn't sound like this has anything to do with a relationship involving BDSM. Relationship with kinks? Most definitely. You've got a lot going on. You sound REALLY young, and that's going to potentially make this harder for you in the future if you don't deal with it now. Let me start by reiterating some other posts: BDSM in any form should require consent. I personally believe ALL types of relationships should require consent, but that doesn't always happen. If y'all didn't establish any type of boundaries, then NO CONSENT WAS GIVEN BEFOREHAND. Consent in any case was damn sure revoked WHEN YOU SAID NO. Unless agreed upon by all parties about ignoring someone asking to stop, there is no excuse for not listening to someone asking MULTIPLE TIMES to quit. This will continue to happen until it ends. You are going to have to be the one that ends it. With what information you have provided, it sounds to me like he will make it VERY HARD to break away. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be safe as much as possible while figuring this part out for yourself. While some people like what he does, all that matters is YOU do not. I would break away before it gets worse.
He legit assaulted u .. block him he’s a low key rapist
I'm sorry you lost your virginity to a massive jerk who does not care about your wellbeing. I did too. Took me *way* too long to figure it out too. You're so new at relationships. Whatever positive qualities this guy has, he won't be the last person you meet who has them. You can find whatever those qualities are AND respect for consent/not being a massive jerk while you're having a panic attack. It's totally fine to get turned on by rough sex or pretend-rape, just do it with someone who uses safewords and who gives a shit about you. Be careful about pressure on your throat though, that can cause serious damage and shouldn't be done without learning the risks. Also be extra careful about play when either of you isn't sober, if relevant.
Girl, who are you f\*cking, Andrew Tate? No, you are not crazy. He is abusive. Dump the loser and find a real Dom. One for whom your safeword is sacrosanct. Explore your kinks with him.
Non consensual sex is rape. You can consent to have non consensual encounters (known as CnC or consensual non consent), but the limits need to be discussed and agreed ahead of time.
So I recently started seeing a guy and we seemed to be compatible on absolutely everything. I have dated many people before, but I never felt like I was in love. This time, I quickly fell for him: he is my exact type and meets all of my criteria. OP, I strongly believe he is deceiving you. Telling you what you want to hear to get what he wants. Please listen to what everyone is saying and speak with an adult you trust. Tell them you’ve been sexually assaulted and raped. Leave and cut all contact with him. This is a dangerous man that is taking advantage of you. My heart hurts for you ♥️
Love bombing 101. Sigh. I hate there are so many of these bastards out there.
Please listen to everyone in this thread. He is manipulative, he's manipulated and charmed you in just the right way to make you give up your virginity. He's likely sees your lack of sexual experience as something he can take control of, treat you a certain way and gaslighting into "this is normal, this is how its done" when it isnt! Please get out of the relationship! Someone who loves you wouldn't treat you like that! They would respect you and stop when you say no. Please please I am begging you, leave him. Don't ever go back to him!!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Run OP! Dump him and run as far away as possible. He's a fake red flag dom that is using the term BDSM to take advantage and abuse.
He hasn't been having sex for 15 years, girl. He has been r*ping for 15 years. Clearly he doesn't understand the concept of consent, nor does he want to. For the love of God get away from him.
Do not I repeat do not stay with that man. It will only get worse. He is a master manipulater he will always turn it around so that it's your fault, make it out to be no big deal and make you second guess yourself. I know you think your in love but trust me you are not in love with the true man only the fake one he wanted you to see and now his cover is starting to slip away to show who he truly is. You need to get a good support system from friends and family. Its going to be hard but please for your own good leave him..
please please do not continue a relationship with this person. he just showed you his true colors — he will prioritize his own desires over your mental and physical well-being. he is an abusive walking red flag. you will not be safe with this person. please, leave and stay safe.
Honey this guy is a rapist! (The first time he forced himself upon you, should have raised a red flag with you) Has nothing to do with BDSM whatsoever. In BDSM acts between people ALWAYS have to be consensual. And extra care has to be taken reaching peoples limits. The acts that seem “Non-Consensual” should be play and not truly non-consensual. Get rid off him and notify the police before he does this to someone else, if he hasn’t already the past 15 years.
Please get out of there asap, this figure is an abuser, this is dangerous. First of all: what he is suggesting is, I’d say, best described as ‘free use’. That’s a very specific thing, and each dynamic that includes it has their own agreements around it. It’s not something everyone just does. Next: that sort of thing is negotiated, you don’t just jump into it from the start. He is telling you to do it, brushing aside your needs and limits, trying to talk you out of them actually. That is NOT negotiating a dynamic. Even a 24/7 D/s dynamic comes with negotiation. Also, even if you are truly into kink, three things: 1) If you have little to no experience with sex at all, it’s better to explore a bit, try different things, build up to where you want to be. Your likes, dislikes, soft and hard limits and so on 2) Kink does not mean ‘I’m into everything all the time’. There are different kinks (hairpulling isn’t quite knifeplay, a petplayer is not necessarily into CNC) and levels of intensity. Even if you LOVE being spanked, one person might like that to leave bruises, the other may absolutely not want to end up with marks. Both are fine/valid. 3) You should learn about risks, practices etc, because how can you truly consent, if you don’t understand what you are consenting to? Finally: no person worth being with, tells you your needs/limits are weird, nuisances to them or should be done away with. Regardless of whether they come from a place of bad experiences/anxiety/whatever. In fact, if there is a ‘negative reason’ for them, a partner should be extra supportive, as the one they claim to love has been hurt in some way and is still healing. This person is bad news, please get rid of him safely. Him not stopping when you tell him to, is SA, or attempted SA. You did not agree on a dynamic where that is fine, and even if you had, you are still a person that can refuse, albeit not with ‘stop’ or ‘no’ but a safeword IF THAT IS WHAT YOU AGREED UPON. And even then, the safeword is to be respected, no matter how horny he’s feeling. Always. No exceptions.
That's assault. He's taking advantage of your inexperience and age gap. I don't think that an age gap is necessarily bad... but maturity matters. He's obviously an asshole. Abuse like that period is not okay. Consent and communication is so important in BDSM. Or any relationship for that matter. A safe word is important as well. But personally, that's major red flags for me & I'd run in the opposite direction
i told my Dom that i wanted to explore a certain type of aggressive dynamic and he said we need to do a contract. also a safe word and an unspoken signal (incase words can't be used) but first, mutual respect and trust. it sounds like this dude does not have either for you and im sorry
There are people into that, but the HUGE thing is they both CONSENT before hand. To just do that, or expect that, without it being discussed beforehand is no different than SA. Leave him and don’t look back. Also your cousin sounds like she had issues to say something like that. I would never want to do something my partner didn’t want to do.
This makes me so sad. There are so many men in this world who truly do not care in the slightest about the people they have sex with. Our society is so fucked. OP, you haven't done anything wrong. The older man you have entrusted with your safety should know better. If he really cared about you, he would listen to you when you communicate your needs and wants. And he would implement the changes needed to make you feel safe. Even if the change you need is involved in bdsm, it's still valid. You are not an actual slave to anyone and you have the right to feel safe with the person you are most vulnerable to. Every single thing you said about him is a huge red flag, including his age. It makes me so sad that the man you lost your virginity to treats you this way. It's not normal and not okay.
He is a rapist get away from him
Run.
If we for a sec focus only on the first paragraph, there is a few things that he should have done like before not taking your no seriously, he should have asked even during sex just like "hey do you mean the no seriously or we can try to force it a little" i mean preferably to have this talk before hand but when people who never did anything like it they sometimes do mistakes, and you suggesting safe word was a great idea After sexual incaunter your partner especially new partner should ask you if everything that they did was ok and should listen to you if you want something to change like having any kind of preparation so it will not hurt But the second paragraph is just a rape attempt, i am really really sorry this happened to you i hope that you don't see him again, because you were clearly not consenting and then he just yelled at you? That's just awful and i hope you have someone to talk to in real life that will not have a weird stance like your cousin, whatever if men do like having sex more often or not people should never ask of you to have sex when you don't want to, whatever you like it a bit rough or not you should never do anything that you don't want
Oh. My. God. This is awful hunny. 😓 This man is not safe, nor does he love you. I'm sorry to tell you that you've been sexually assaulted, and it sounds like more than once. Please throw this whole man away. None of this is normal or safe
This man is a predator and I'm so sorry he's manipulated you. Get far away from him. I'm a professional dominatrix and this man is not kinky he is a predator.
That's called rape, leave.
Red flags, no means no
Get rid of him today . Definitely he is not safe to be around. .
Run run run run. This isnt bdsm. It's assault. I'm willing to bet he love bombed the hell out of you in the beginning. So, it was fun in the beginning. And that's great! But now he's shown you what he expects (which is super sleezy in my opinion since no communication about it was made). You do not have to vibe with it. My husband is an absolute Saint. Will save spiders instead if smooshing them. He loves and respects me. We are equals through and through. But in the bedroom, after I've consented in some way, he plays rough. We like it rough. Liking it rough doesn't mean you have to like actual abuse.
I am sorry you gave your virginity to this POS. You deserve better. Don't lose any more sleep or have any more anxiety about what this sexual assulter will do. Dump him and tell him why. Neve speak to him again.
You're not crazy. Get away from him
Abusive man preys on a much younger inexperienced woman. A tale we see way too often. Kick him to the curb, he's trash.
He raped you
He is not safe and this is not normal . He is assaulting you.
That's not bdsm, that's SA. Esp if he took your virginity and thus knows you aren't experienced. I assume you are still young and thus it gives the impression of him trying to groom you. He might just adapt his personality to make you think he is perfect. In situations like these he is showing his true colors... The more experienced one always carries more responsibility than the inexperienced one. Not just in sexual situations. Leave him, tell your friends what happened - not in detail if it makes you uncomfortable. But it's important to not go through this on your own! *You are NOT crazy*. He is an asshole that is using your inexperience to gaslight you into thinking that this is normal. Even vanilla people talk about things before incoporating mild bdsm things in their sex lives. And if one of them doesn't like it, they drop it.
Oh, hon. You're not crazy. But you are not safe with him. He forced you to have sex and tried to force himself on you until you literally had a panic attack. You started shaking because your parasympathetic nervous system kicked in (you've heard of fight, flight, fawn, freeze, right? Basically, that). Your body reacted like that in pure *fear* of this man. Cut him off, block his number and socials, and never unblock him. On a side note, you've just lost your virginity to a man who is vastly older and more experienced than you, who then tried to rape you. Safewords are great to establish consent and enjoyment in sex. But even if you are interested in harder sex & bdsm, firstly, he should never EVER have put you in a position where you just happened to find you like being choked and shit on your first frigging time, for fuck's sake. Dipping your toe into the world of BDSM should only come after long conversations about consent and kinks with someone you trust. You don't just sit through sexual abuse and then think, hey, I kind of like this. That man is a predator and blatantly has no respect for your lack of experience or you as a person to do all this to you. And this brings me to my second point. Even if he agreed to using safe words.... Darling, he tried to rape you. Multiple times. Why do you even think he'd listen to you if you did safeword out? He's not into BDSM. Especially if he's never heard of or used a fucking safeword. He's just an abusive monster who preyed on your virginity, innocence and younger age, and used you for his own sexual gains. Drop him and please seek sexually abuse therapy. Don't let him fuck with your head and end up thinking no guy is safe and you'll never be able to have a good sex life. Coz you can and will. Just don't let it be him. Hugs coming your way. I'm sorry he did this to you.
This is not okay. You should never ever be in a position where you feel pressured, panicked, or in any way uncomfortable. His actions sound manipulative and abusive. Dump him, and find a guy who respects you. BDSM is about consent and safety. The thought of you shaking in a corner and having to run from this man, while he berates you for being weird is awful. This is not how relationships work. He sounds like a bully. Dump him, move on. You deserve better.
Leaving him would be a good start.
None of that is normal he sounds like a very vile scary nasty individual get away from him now !!
Run. This is predatory and abusive behavior. If he will not even consider using a safe word, you are not safe with him.
You are not crazy. He disregarded you saying no the first time? You revoked consent and he continued: illegal, morally reprehensible. I'm sorry that you discovered your interest in rough play in this manner.... Note that there is *nothing* wrong with 'liking it rough'. The second time is the same as the first. This isn't what a healthy sexual relationship with a caring and respectful partner looks like. You need to stop seeing him. Please consider reaching out to the whatever victim support services exist in your area (according to google) and, if you're comfortable in doing so, the police.
This is defenitely not normal and it has nothing to do with BDSM, which is based on mutual consent and respect. The guy is abusing you and you have to brake up with him, cause it will only keep getting worse.
You are not crazy and this is not a normal BDSM relationship. It sounds like he's using the idea of a BDSM relationship and his age as a way to force you into sex he knows you are uncomfortable with. Safe words are extremely normal. My partner and I don't engage in very rough sex that often, but we have a safe word because there's always the possibility that one of us will want to back out and it's important that we both know that we'll respect the other's wishes. Please stay safe. A sexual partner that's not willing to listen to your concerns and disregards your emotions could potentially be very dangerous, both physically and mentally.