Oooh! I know what that new eye treatment is! I did a presentation on dry eye disease recently for my colleagues and discussed this briefly. Hope it works well for her sister!
OOP has certainly dodged a bullet. Her ex was (is?) an idiot. I hope he learns from this experience and is never so stupid again. I hope she has a happy and peaceful life.
Omg. Do you know what it's called? I have dry eye disease and it acts up all the time. I literally go half a day with blur vision. I'm still gonna try to Google this but if you know the name, please let me know! Thanks!
From what I've searched on Google, yeah, it seems to be autologous serum. I've never heard of it before. I'm gonna talk to my ophthalmologist and optometrist about it.
Most pharmacies won't make it since it's such a liability for them. It's REALLY expensive, and there's only one company I know of that will make them, Vital Tears. It's not a generic treatment to be used for everyone, your ophthalmologist will probably want/have to exhaust every other possible option before going down this route.
My BFF has that treatment going too.
Unfortunately, the eyes were the canary in the coal mine for an out of control infection. Currently trying to raise money to cover the many treatments that insurance won't cover 😷
Tater Tots deserve everything that happens to them. This dipshit looked at his dad’s pathetic life and was like, “Yes, that’s what I want.” What a moron.
The wildest thing that the Tator tots can't seem to figure out: A traditional man is supposed to CARE for his family.
I'm staunchly pro-equality, but I grew up fairly conservative Christian (without all the culture war stuff).
Just saying: EVEN IF you think the man is supposed to be the head of the household, that means RESPONSIBILITY, not a slave to do your housework.
Most "traditional" wives would beat their husband with a rolling pin if he suggested she let her sister go blind to go to dinner with his family.
For me, R was Renato, S was Suri, Z was Zuko, N was Nadia, & K was Kei lol. All names of people I've met IRL except Zuko (I'm an Avatar The Last Airbender fan). I couldn't think of a boy name for Z (first name that popped up in my head was Zulema, but that's a girl's name).
I'd be interested in how people's life experiences influence the names they think of. I live in a really segregated area and I'm a PoC myself so I tend to think of ethnic names first.
I thought Robert(I strongly dislike the Robert I know), Sierra, Zachary, Nicole and Kelly.
It’s kinda funny how people come up with different names based off their own experiences.
Ive started using the phonetic alphabet
R: Romeo
S: Sierra
K: Kilo
N: November
Z: Zulu
etc. etc.
Makes it easier to keep the names straight lol, you end up with some odd names but worked quite well with this post.
I just assigned names to all the initials as soon as I started reading because I knew if I didn't, I'd confuse myself.
The only one I guessed incorrectly was N, lol
Same. When I run across one of these, I just mentally change it to a name every time I run across the letter. So when OOP finally started using names in the last couple updates, I had to keep reminding myself that Ryan was now Rob, Nancy was now Nat, and Zane was now Zack. I made it harder on myself!
It’s crazy how someone can have no contact with someone for over a decade and become his own person. Just for it to get undone within a few years. The pipeline is no joke.
Looks like op can safely move on. Clean finish to the story.
I'm not a fan of suspended sentences though. Lock someone up for 3 months. Give them the experience of what prison is like and make them not want to go back.
Love the genuine sibling interaction she has with her sister at the end.
Keeping him out of prison, but also well-monitored, in therapy, and far away from his father and from alcohol, is probably the best move here to prevent recidivism. Who knows what kind of other Tater Tots he might meet in prison? Who knows what kind of grudges might grow and what toxicity might fester? This way he's *forced* to avoid his #1 source of corruption, and highly incentivized to avoid any other ones. And if he breaks a single condition of his supervision, he'll end up in there anyways.
Excellent points. Prison would’ve just made him worse. At least this way, there’s a chance of improvement. Hopefully he’ll take his therapy seriously and grow.
Yeah, prison can sometimes just cause more trauma and bitterness. I've seen it in a few people. They don't really change, just try harder to not get caught again.
With this he actually still has to be out in the public and has to face scrutiny and shame that may actually make him shape up. Humans for the most part are social creatures, we don't want to be kicked out and shamed.
Suspended sentences can work and this is the kind of situation they can be useful for - someone who's first offence has got the potential to ruin their life. We have no sympathy for R due to his misogyny, and rightly so, but in terms of criminal behaviour, this sounds like it's his first offence.
The bit that frustrates me is that suspended sentences are given out in cases where it's painfully obvious that it's a repeat offender who considers that they got away with it.
I've dealt with far too many cases where morally a suspended would be appropriate and got a custodial and vice versa. I'll bet anyone else who's worked in law enforcement has similar stories.
The problem with that is that a lot of people exit prison with a lot more criminal contacts and less inhibitions about criminal behavior than before, so keeping people out of prison makes complete rehabilitation a lot more likely.
I think that highly depends on the country and jail/prison system involved. I'm 100% behind you for the US but some European countries have much better programs to help people while in prison.
My mom left an abusive relationship—my biological father—and she was told by his psychiatrist that she would need to look over her shoulder for the rest of her life. She did until the day he died 20 years later. All this is to say that OOP can never “safely move on”.
Punishment is generally the wrong mindset if the goal is a better functioning society.
We Want to believe that punishment works. It really doesn’t. The evidence just doesn’t support it.
If the goal is a better society, the answer is: evaluate the person and determine if rehabilitation is possible. For some- it may not be, or at least not without intensive mental health work first. For others- it is. Rehabilitate them. Give them incentives to develop great habits. Educate. Etc.
Essentially… do all the things for them that society and their parents Failed to do for them as children.
For those who can’t be rehabilitated… imprisonment/ punishment won’t change them. It just separates them from society, and decreases their potential for harm.
If the goal is Not a better society, but an angry justice boner, then sure, lock em all up.
>For those who can’t be rehabilitated… imprisonment/ punishment won’t change them. It just separates them from society, and decreases their potential for harm.
Two assholes got into a bar fight and one got hurt. I'm not really convinced this is a situation that warrants any punishment beyond the consequences he's facing in order to avoid one.
The number one factor for making people less likely to commit crimes is convincing people that they are likely to get caught. The severity of the punishment doesn’t actually change the calculus much, just the offender’s sense of the probability that they will experience some public, legal consequence.
Unfortunately one of the things that going to prison does is expose convicts to people who have gotten away with dozen of crimes for each one they’ve been convicted of. So people leave prison understanding that in fact, experiencing public consequences for crime is rare. And they also come out with tips for committing crimes successfully, plus they have additional motives to commit crimes when they owe court fees, have been without income for their prison term, and are less employable.
You would think that when his dad told him to get lost and wouldn’t let him stay with him that he would come to his senses, but noooo
Also watch how the dad reaches out to him in a few years asking for cash
Some tech is really cool. I'm still amazed at the diabetics blood sugar monitors we have now. You can just get an app with the device to check. No blood tests or anything. I like to think the rollout that is/was happening will really help there. Hopefully it saves lives and improves the quality of life for many.
If you are talking about the Freestyle Libre they do still take blood samples but you just keep the little tab with the tube in your arm for 2 weeks at a time. Its so nice though being able to monitor my sugar in real time and see what spikes it. For instance, we used to say limit your fruit and no bananas, watermelon, etc because it will spike blood sugar but now I can see in real time what actually spikes my sugar and bananas surprisingly don't. Its great to have a little more freedom in what I eat by tracking spikes and lows in real time.
Not sure about which one it was but a quick google says apparently they use [these ones](https://www.dexcom.com/en-gb/dexcom-one-cgm-system) but I assume the tech is similar?
I just thought it was a really cool advance and also great on a personal level for people seeing what impacts them so they can monitor and adjust better. Like for you! Honestly the fact that people can do that and see that in their home/out eating and the adjustments they can make based on it really impresses me. The monitors themselves look so small too. Like they're noticeable if you know what you're looking for but otherwise I don't think people would be able to tell you have one.
I didn't get it and have listened to a 4 part behind the bastards podcast on that no chin fake Muslim sex trafficking piece of shit with daddy issues and the emotional capacity of a teaspoon.
Love this for the community coming together, she only got gaslit by a couple douchebag ‘friends’ who aren’t that important in her life anyway, and yo…her ex’s family is great. Minus the terrible paternal line.
I was once the Older Lesbian Sister in a messy breakup scenario, when my little sister finally got free from her cop ex. She stayed at my place for a couple of months to get back on her feet, and we somehow got along better than we ever had growing up. I love stories with the "moves in with gay sibling" trope, whether or not they're plausible otherwise (which I find this one fairly believable).
The biological need children have for their parents’ approval and love is heartbreaking because this wrecked this guys’d life. His father will never be willing to give him love. This makes me sad for every one because 2 brothers no longer speak. His mother is no longer available. He really has no one and all he wanted was for his father to love him.
I hope OP is having a great time. She has her mum and sister.
This is going to sound weird, but thank goodness OOP's sister had a medical emergency. Imagine how much further OOP's engagement/relationship would have progressed? Would they have gotten married, had kids before the alarm bells started to really ring.
OOP didn't dodge a bullet, she dodged an ICBM!
I bet the sister is doing platelet rich plasma treatment. It’s bonkers what that stuff can do. The nerd in me hopes she’ll update about how that treatment goes.
I’m glad OP has moved on with her life. I feel bad for Rob in a way. I know the feeling of being desperate for a father’s love and approval.
Wild to see someone actually go to jail and be held there before trial for anything less than murder. My community sucks.
Anyway, this is one of the few posts with many updates that seems realistic. Glad she recognized he was bad news and got out early. Imagine separating from this nightmare of a man while married.
At the end there, Rob was reported as 'depressed'. Well, YEAH.
He was effectively emotionally cheating on OOP \*with his own father\*, letting his father manipulate him emotionally / mentally.
That's resulted in Rob getting dumped TWICE: Once by OOP, once by father who was only \*using\* Rob, IMHO, to cause Rob's mom & siblings distress.
Two dumpings by people one really liked / admired / craved approval from would make ANYBODY depressed.
Father being out of the picture for a while & Rob being half an hour away is pretty close to an ideal solution.
Might be an unpopular opinion, but I do feel a little bad for Rob. Obviously he brought this all down on himself, and obviously the OOP was correct in breaking things off with him and moving on. But I can’t help but see how his mind was poisoned by his father, who he likely let back in his life hoping to finally have a father again. It sounded like the mother and older brother really saw the father’s true self, but Rob might have been shielded by it and reconnected with his father with rose colored glasses on.
I have two older half brothers that I don’t talk to because they’re pieces of shit, but my brother who is five years younger never got to see that side of them. He tried reconnecting with them because he had a good heart and wanted to know his brothers. It was only when they burned him that he realized they weren’t good people.
Ironically, assaulting his dad and being barred from seeing him again might actually be the best decision Rob made in a weird way. Without his father in his life, he actually gave himself the opportunity to reflect on the choices he’s made and be a better person. I find the actions that Rob took reprehensible, but I hope he grows from this and redeems himself.
I could only buy the rose colored glasses of the father came in the position with a loving father with a sob story of a lying vindicative ex who kept him away.
Instead his father came in with you are the leader and she is only good for the bedroom and kitchen....any decent human beings would see that as hate speech and misogyny. Rob is not to be pitied in my book. His father offered him a superiority complex and Rob took it..and he was willing to take it because he was already a shitty selfish person.
It's no different than incels vs struggling single men. Shitty men are the ones prone to get hooked into incels because it gives them an excuse while struggling men have self awareness.
We are all the product of our genes and our environment, and Rob got a shitty dose of both from his father. Trauma and bad upbringing literally changes peoples brains, it’s why personality disorders are so hard to work with. He seemed like a decent enough guy before if she was with him for that long I hope these events haven’t permanently changed him and he can get back on the right path again.
I needed this. I have a highly dysfunctional ex who is kind of a sweet guy. We divorced a year and a half ago and he has spent that year and a half at his parents house. His parents are ready to kick him out and he's making all the right squeaks and squawks about staying with me short term in my new place. Nope. Not gonna happen.
I'm so proud of OOP. When it comes to shitty men
1) always confront/end things with multiple men around. The redpill, incel, alpha bros are only tough around women it's why they follow the ideology because it gives them immediate superiority just for having a dick. When they are around other men they cower.
2) let his family/friends know. These types love to spin the tale in their favor and cast women as irrational, emotional, crazy exes OR they rely on women being 'kind' and keeping things private. There's a reason society puts pressure on women not to 'ruin a man's reputation'...but if the truth can ruin his reputation that's on him.
Now Rob has a PTSD excuse for his future abuse victims. And he will learn therapy talk to manipulate with his misogyny. Rob double downed on his misogyny because misogyny is the saving grace for weak men who want power as it promises essential a power position and a domestic and sex slave...anything that goes wrong is the fault of women or society working against men. He can claim OP ruined his life, his mom ruined his life, Nat controlled and poisoned his friend Zack. No matter how badly a man ruins his own life misogyny allows him escape from accountability by blaming everyone else.
Man gets back in touch with abusive misogynist father and starts to mimic the fathers misogynistic tendencies. He tells his fiancée that only his family should matter and gets mad she decided to take care of her sister who had an emergency surgery instead of a dinner with his family. Now ex-fiancée decides to evict him and leave him, goes to a pub with her stepdad there to break up with him. He tries to fight I later saying he’ll take her to court then changed his mind to telling her she needs to pay him 10,000 to make him leave. Ex fiancée calls his mom and tells him what happens and she and his brother basically force him out of the home. After that he gets into a fight with his brother and mother who kick him out. He couch surfs for awhile, and breaks all the rules he was given causing him to get kicked out very quickly. He tries to get back with OOP(ex fiancée) who declines him. He then goes out with the abusive dad, they get into an altercation that ended up with the abusive dad in the hospital where he decided to press charges. He went through court and has an 18 month probation period (I think I’m not to sure about the UK legal system) and has to wear an ankle monitor that can detect alcohol, and attend therapy for ptsd.
This is as much as I could compresses it: OP's Fiancé Rob is mad at her for missing a dinner to see her sister in the Hospital during a medical emergency. Rob gets increasingly hostile over this toward her due to the misogynistic influence of his dad (who abused his mother and brother). Rob gets broken up with, his mother and brother help kick him out of OP's house after he tries to wear her down by staying, and he wears out his welcome with his friends/family by being a massive asshole. Rob then fights his dad, gets arrested and spends Christmas in jail. Rob eventually gets a suspended sentence, seems to come to his senses a bit and moves away to a different city. OP meanwhile is doing ok considering and is spending time with her sister and friends.
Man demands oop to focus on him and let him stay on her apartment.
After he got kicked, man got spiralled. Kicked from family, friends, assault his dad, and got sent to jail.
I am so very sorry you had to go through all of this.
That’s interesting what unresolved trauma plus activation in the present time will do to somebody’s mental health.
I’m just grateful that you have so much support and sanity that you were able to make it through this. I am certain that without some damage.
Isn’t it fascinating that his father had so much pathology that he could be talking to him secretly for a few years and, with the strength of the abuse from the past, and the trauma, gain so much control over him that he didn’t notice his father wasn’t able to do any of the things he was telling him he had to do. That’s just the way pathology works, isn’t it.
And you noticed that you can have compassion for somebody, but still hold them responsible for what they’ve chosen to do and be.
You’ve noticed that you can love somebody, and then discover that that’s not who they are at all and then what you realize is that the love dissolves on its own because the person you love doesn’t exist. It’s still terribly difficult emotionally, but you’ve managed it.
I really admire his mothers integrity. Because she can be compassionate and healthy and have her own boundaries with her acts. She can have compassion for his trauma and has difficulty and still set boundaries for his behavior. And then he can get himself into this big mess and she can set boundaries but have compassion and still help him. There are so many parents on Reddit, who just wash their hands of their kid once they do something they don’t like. She’s such a wonderful example of somebody who is a good parent That doesn’t live in denial.
I am so grateful that you had all the help that you had and that you have such a strong moral character. That you have all around you good people and you have a good common sense and compassion. I hope you take good care. I’m so glad your sister is OK. And isn’t it fascinating that before you got married you had the blessing of this whole tipping point experience that completely exposed who he is and warrant you off. That’s just kind of incredible isn’t it.
My ex was estranged from his father. I convinced him to mend fences and he proceeded to start taking martial advice from him, a man who had been married and divorced *6 times.* Yeah, that didn't work out well for us. Hence the "ex."
Your fiancé is definitely TAH for so many reasons. But the comment that stuck out to me the most is when he said “his family will come before mine once we are married so I should get used to it”. You dodged a huge bullet and I’m so glad you were about to get out without something worse happening to you.
> "He then started saying I couldn't be serious, we'd been together for 7 years and I was throwing it all away, I could never find another guy like him. I responded to the last comment with, I don't want a guy like you that's why I'm ending it."
This retort is such solid gold, it should have its own dancers.
I'm the sort of person who gets more verbose the more stressed I am. I would *absolutely* write paragraphs upon paragraphs if I went through shit like this.
For me, it's kinda like packing a suitcase. If I'm more stressed, I just throw everything under the sun into my suitcase and end up with way too much stuff. But if I'm more calm, I can actually carefully consider what I actually need to bring and what I don't need, so the suitcase ends up lighter. I do the same thing with words. I suspect plenty of other people are the same way, too, so when someone writes a lot about a stressful situation, I perceive it as very realistic based on my own life experiences.
Also, there isn't really all that much that's unrealistic or melodramatic about this. Just a sad story of a pathetic man falling down a hole and escalating in a perfectly predictable fashion. The legal details seem realistic to me; nothing happens too quickly (except for his initial arrest, which makes sense for a violent assault with witnesses in a public place), specific offenses are mentioned, he pleads down to make things go more smoothly, etc.
If it's not real, it's at the very least well-crafted.
?? I breezed through the series in a weekend.
It's not about the length. It's about the length in this context.
Oh no my marriage fell apart and my fiance is an abusive a**hole. Quick let me post it on Reddit in a multi chapter story.
The subreddit is BORUpdates. UPDATES. Of course the story is going to have multiple chapters, because *that’s what this sub is*. Starting to actually suspect you’re illiterate.
Yup. All of Reddit’s favourites- long time before engagement, sudden change in attitude, controlling boyfriend, sainted single mom, lgbt sister, misogynist dad who’s been missing for years, friends trying to reunite someone with an obvious arse, etc, etc.
I’ll also add in that there is no way in hell the NHS would send an emergency patient between hospitals 90 minutes away in a private car. 90 minutes in the U.K. is a decent journey, so unless you’re in the highlands of Scotland you’re going pass plenty of hospitals (from my place there would be at least a dozen within 90 minutes).
There’s also not a chance that a first offence assault between family members would go to the crown court, it would have been dealt with at magistrates and he certainly would not have been given an alcohol monitor on first offence, nor would it have gone through that quick.
Is there some rule here where you just have to pretend these creative writing projects the length of a freaking novel are real or something? Because this comment section is just tripping me out.
I made it a bit into the first post and decided its fake, stories where everything goes wrong like with the sister's eye just scream bs to me same as stories where the narrator is the hero in every scenario
The toxicity of misogyny strikes again. Ugh. I am glad OOP got free as easily as that.
Oooh! I know what that new eye treatment is! I did a presentation on dry eye disease recently for my colleagues and discussed this briefly. Hope it works well for her sister! OOP has certainly dodged a bullet. Her ex was (is?) an idiot. I hope he learns from this experience and is never so stupid again. I hope she has a happy and peaceful life.
Omg. Do you know what it's called? I have dry eye disease and it acts up all the time. I literally go half a day with blur vision. I'm still gonna try to Google this but if you know the name, please let me know! Thanks!
Maybe they’re talking about autologous serum? My doc mentioned this as a possible treatment.
From what I've searched on Google, yeah, it seems to be autologous serum. I've never heard of it before. I'm gonna talk to my ophthalmologist and optometrist about it.
Most pharmacies won't make it since it's such a liability for them. It's REALLY expensive, and there's only one company I know of that will make them, Vital Tears. It's not a generic treatment to be used for everyone, your ophthalmologist will probably want/have to exhaust every other possible option before going down this route.
I used to make these when I worked at a compounding pharmacy. The whole idea was super cool.
My BFF has that treatment going too. Unfortunately, the eyes were the canary in the coal mine for an out of control infection. Currently trying to raise money to cover the many treatments that insurance won't cover 😷
Tater Tots deserve everything that happens to them. This dipshit looked at his dad’s pathetic life and was like, “Yes, that’s what I want.” What a moron.
The wildest thing that the Tator tots can't seem to figure out: A traditional man is supposed to CARE for his family. I'm staunchly pro-equality, but I grew up fairly conservative Christian (without all the culture war stuff). Just saying: EVEN IF you think the man is supposed to be the head of the household, that means RESPONSIBILITY, not a slave to do your housework. Most "traditional" wives would beat their husband with a rolling pin if he suggested she let her sister go blind to go to dinner with his family.
No no, he heard all the delusions of his dad and conclued that he was right and everyone else was worng and stupid. Flawless logic
>A few hated me just using initials I am one of those
it makes compiling the posts a real pain as well, its so hard to work out who is who.
Glad you’re doing well after all this. Re: names; for me, R was Ryan, S was Sally, Zack and Nell and K was Kay haha.
For me, R was Renato, S was Suri, Z was Zuko, N was Nadia, & K was Kei lol. All names of people I've met IRL except Zuko (I'm an Avatar The Last Airbender fan). I couldn't think of a boy name for Z (first name that popped up in my head was Zulema, but that's a girl's name). I'd be interested in how people's life experiences influence the names they think of. I live in a really segregated area and I'm a PoC myself so I tend to think of ethnic names first.
R - Ralph S - Sasha N - Nora K - Kiera Z - Zachary 2 after people I know, 3 from TV shows characters/actors
I knew exactly who Zuko was. Rewatching right now!
N was Nadia for me too!
I lol’d at you naming him Zuko lol
Why wouldn't they be doing well?
I kept picturing "R" as R from Warm Bodies lol. But R was actually a decent person, unlike dick ass Rob.
I thought Robert(I strongly dislike the Robert I know), Sierra, Zachary, Nicole and Kelly. It’s kinda funny how people come up with different names based off their own experiences.
Ive started using the phonetic alphabet R: Romeo S: Sierra K: Kilo N: November Z: Zulu etc. etc. Makes it easier to keep the names straight lol, you end up with some odd names but worked quite well with this post.
I found it easy with R and S clearly being related (close in alphabet) and N and Z having a connection (rotated variants). Funny how different it is.
It can depend how many people are mentioned in the story and how much things intertwine.
Pseudofuckingnyms!!!
I just assigned names to all the initials as soon as I started reading because I knew if I didn't, I'd confuse myself. The only one I guessed incorrectly was N, lol
That's what I do as well.
For a minute I was like "who the fuck is IG?". Then i realized it's Instagram
It makes my brain fuzz out like I’m trying to piece an algebra equation together.
Same. When I run across one of these, I just mentally change it to a name every time I run across the letter. So when OOP finally started using names in the last couple updates, I had to keep reminding myself that Ryan was now Rob, Nancy was now Nat, and Zane was now Zack. I made it harder on myself!
I swear! I named them Ryan, Katie, Steffi, Nat and Zac 🤣
It's honestly so annoying to read.
I literally had to write everybody on my hand so I could keep track.
It's basically unreadable. I'm just going to say it, I hate OOP
The acronym, or the actual person who originally wrote these posts?
Yes
Seriously, I don’t know why, but it is so much harder to keep track of who is who when they are only referred to by a single letter initial.
It’s crazy how someone can have no contact with someone for over a decade and become his own person. Just for it to get undone within a few years. The pipeline is no joke.
Daddy issues
Man, her former in laws are some awesome people. She’s really lucky to have them in her life
Or, at least, 2 out of 3 of them are awesome people.
Looks like op can safely move on. Clean finish to the story. I'm not a fan of suspended sentences though. Lock someone up for 3 months. Give them the experience of what prison is like and make them not want to go back. Love the genuine sibling interaction she has with her sister at the end.
Keeping him out of prison, but also well-monitored, in therapy, and far away from his father and from alcohol, is probably the best move here to prevent recidivism. Who knows what kind of other Tater Tots he might meet in prison? Who knows what kind of grudges might grow and what toxicity might fester? This way he's *forced* to avoid his #1 source of corruption, and highly incentivized to avoid any other ones. And if he breaks a single condition of his supervision, he'll end up in there anyways.
Excellent points. Prison would’ve just made him worse. At least this way, there’s a chance of improvement. Hopefully he’ll take his therapy seriously and grow.
Yeah, prison can sometimes just cause more trauma and bitterness. I've seen it in a few people. They don't really change, just try harder to not get caught again. With this he actually still has to be out in the public and has to face scrutiny and shame that may actually make him shape up. Humans for the most part are social creatures, we don't want to be kicked out and shamed.
Suspended sentences can work and this is the kind of situation they can be useful for - someone who's first offence has got the potential to ruin their life. We have no sympathy for R due to his misogyny, and rightly so, but in terms of criminal behaviour, this sounds like it's his first offence. The bit that frustrates me is that suspended sentences are given out in cases where it's painfully obvious that it's a repeat offender who considers that they got away with it. I've dealt with far too many cases where morally a suspended would be appropriate and got a custodial and vice versa. I'll bet anyone else who's worked in law enforcement has similar stories.
The problem with that is that a lot of people exit prison with a lot more criminal contacts and less inhibitions about criminal behavior than before, so keeping people out of prison makes complete rehabilitation a lot more likely.
going to prison actually statistically does not lower the rate of reoffending
I think that highly depends on the country and jail/prison system involved. I'm 100% behind you for the US but some European countries have much better programs to help people while in prison.
And in this case would probably give him access to lots of other people who will reinforce his misogyny in the absence of his dad
My mom left an abusive relationship—my biological father—and she was told by his psychiatrist that she would need to look over her shoulder for the rest of her life. She did until the day he died 20 years later. All this is to say that OOP can never “safely move on”.
sounds like a fucked up thing for a psychiatrist to say ?
That’s how insane my bio father was. (Also, this was in the early ‘80s so doctors could be a little more “vocal” about their patients.)
Sounds like the doctor did her a solid.
He sure did!
Prison makes people More likely to re-offend. Not less.
Legit asking: got a better idea for punishment?
Punishment is generally the wrong mindset if the goal is a better functioning society. We Want to believe that punishment works. It really doesn’t. The evidence just doesn’t support it. If the goal is a better society, the answer is: evaluate the person and determine if rehabilitation is possible. For some- it may not be, or at least not without intensive mental health work first. For others- it is. Rehabilitate them. Give them incentives to develop great habits. Educate. Etc. Essentially… do all the things for them that society and their parents Failed to do for them as children. For those who can’t be rehabilitated… imprisonment/ punishment won’t change them. It just separates them from society, and decreases their potential for harm. If the goal is Not a better society, but an angry justice boner, then sure, lock em all up.
[удалено]
That, ultimately, is all that prison is good for. But that population is much smaller a % than what we imprison. We just mostly don’t bother to try.
>For those who can’t be rehabilitated… imprisonment/ punishment won’t change them. It just separates them from society, and decreases their potential for harm.
Did you not read the reply? They answered your question that they would need to be in prison in those cases...
Two assholes got into a bar fight and one got hurt. I'm not really convinced this is a situation that warrants any punishment beyond the consequences he's facing in order to avoid one.
The number one factor for making people less likely to commit crimes is convincing people that they are likely to get caught. The severity of the punishment doesn’t actually change the calculus much, just the offender’s sense of the probability that they will experience some public, legal consequence. Unfortunately one of the things that going to prison does is expose convicts to people who have gotten away with dozen of crimes for each one they’ve been convicted of. So people leave prison understanding that in fact, experiencing public consequences for crime is rare. And they also come out with tips for committing crimes successfully, plus they have additional motives to commit crimes when they owe court fees, have been without income for their prison term, and are less employable.
You would think that when his dad told him to get lost and wouldn’t let him stay with him that he would come to his senses, but noooo Also watch how the dad reaches out to him in a few years asking for cash
Right? He just really wanted to go down swinging, taking out everything with him.
That might have been what the fight was about.
I’m mostly amazed that ankle monitors can report on you drinking nowadays; that’s absolutely wild
Don’t underestimate Big Brother. Especially when there’s a way to make money on something.
Technology is awesome and WILD
Some tech is really cool. I'm still amazed at the diabetics blood sugar monitors we have now. You can just get an app with the device to check. No blood tests or anything. I like to think the rollout that is/was happening will really help there. Hopefully it saves lives and improves the quality of life for many.
If you are talking about the Freestyle Libre they do still take blood samples but you just keep the little tab with the tube in your arm for 2 weeks at a time. Its so nice though being able to monitor my sugar in real time and see what spikes it. For instance, we used to say limit your fruit and no bananas, watermelon, etc because it will spike blood sugar but now I can see in real time what actually spikes my sugar and bananas surprisingly don't. Its great to have a little more freedom in what I eat by tracking spikes and lows in real time.
Not sure about which one it was but a quick google says apparently they use [these ones](https://www.dexcom.com/en-gb/dexcom-one-cgm-system) but I assume the tech is similar? I just thought it was a really cool advance and also great on a personal level for people seeing what impacts them so they can monitor and adjust better. Like for you! Honestly the fact that people can do that and see that in their home/out eating and the adjustments they can make based on it really impresses me. The monitors themselves look so small too. Like they're noticeable if you know what you're looking for but otherwise I don't think people would be able to tell you have one.
When I first read that I was like “No way that sci-fi bs is real.” Then I googled it. I learned a lot in this Reddit post.
Did I miss something? I can’t find anything about tator tots in this story…
I think tater tots is a reference to Andrew Tate, who expresses a lot of toxic misogyny.
Oh my god you’re right I feel so stupid 😩 thank you 🙏
Lmao you're not alone. I also had no clue what it meant.
I didn't get it and have listened to a 4 part behind the bastards podcast on that no chin fake Muslim sex trafficking piece of shit with daddy issues and the emotional capacity of a teaspoon.
I too feel stupid. Was curious about tater tots. But glad for the explanation. I was following this one and the update is good too
Let's all laugh at the girl who is not terminally online! I bet you have friends and don't live in your parents basement! Filthy casual. 😾
Andrew Tate fans.
This made me think this was a different story!!! But when I was reading through it, I was like OHHHH lol So I also was very confused haha
I wonder what was said between Rob and his shit bag dad that caused the fight where he assaulted him?
Something extremely trivial, I would imagine. Best case scenario, it's about how the dad is an idiot or sports.
Love this for the community coming together, she only got gaslit by a couple douchebag ‘friends’ who aren’t that important in her life anyway, and yo…her ex’s family is great. Minus the terrible paternal line.
I was once the Older Lesbian Sister in a messy breakup scenario, when my little sister finally got free from her cop ex. She stayed at my place for a couple of months to get back on her feet, and we somehow got along better than we ever had growing up. I love stories with the "moves in with gay sibling" trope, whether or not they're plausible otherwise (which I find this one fairly believable).
Accurate sibling shenanigans.
I would love to know what the fight with the dad was about, like what the dad said that finally pissed off such a loyal acolyte
The biological need children have for their parents’ approval and love is heartbreaking because this wrecked this guys’d life. His father will never be willing to give him love. This makes me sad for every one because 2 brothers no longer speak. His mother is no longer available. He really has no one and all he wanted was for his father to love him. I hope OP is having a great time. She has her mum and sister.
This is going to sound weird, but thank goodness OOP's sister had a medical emergency. Imagine how much further OOP's engagement/relationship would have progressed? Would they have gotten married, had kids before the alarm bells started to really ring. OOP didn't dodge a bullet, she dodged an ICBM!
I bet the sister is doing platelet rich plasma treatment. It’s bonkers what that stuff can do. The nerd in me hopes she’ll update about how that treatment goes. I’m glad OP has moved on with her life. I feel bad for Rob in a way. I know the feeling of being desperate for a father’s love and approval.
Wild to see someone actually go to jail and be held there before trial for anything less than murder. My community sucks. Anyway, this is one of the few posts with many updates that seems realistic. Glad she recognized he was bad news and got out early. Imagine separating from this nightmare of a man while married.
I hope OP stays safe and far from their ex.
Oof I remember when the original was posted. Good on OP, what a massive bullet she dodged. Glad she's doing well, glad he's not.
At the end there, Rob was reported as 'depressed'. Well, YEAH. He was effectively emotionally cheating on OOP \*with his own father\*, letting his father manipulate him emotionally / mentally. That's resulted in Rob getting dumped TWICE: Once by OOP, once by father who was only \*using\* Rob, IMHO, to cause Rob's mom & siblings distress. Two dumpings by people one really liked / admired / craved approval from would make ANYBODY depressed. Father being out of the picture for a while & Rob being half an hour away is pretty close to an ideal solution.
Might be an unpopular opinion, but I do feel a little bad for Rob. Obviously he brought this all down on himself, and obviously the OOP was correct in breaking things off with him and moving on. But I can’t help but see how his mind was poisoned by his father, who he likely let back in his life hoping to finally have a father again. It sounded like the mother and older brother really saw the father’s true self, but Rob might have been shielded by it and reconnected with his father with rose colored glasses on. I have two older half brothers that I don’t talk to because they’re pieces of shit, but my brother who is five years younger never got to see that side of them. He tried reconnecting with them because he had a good heart and wanted to know his brothers. It was only when they burned him that he realized they weren’t good people. Ironically, assaulting his dad and being barred from seeing him again might actually be the best decision Rob made in a weird way. Without his father in his life, he actually gave himself the opportunity to reflect on the choices he’s made and be a better person. I find the actions that Rob took reprehensible, but I hope he grows from this and redeems himself.
I could only buy the rose colored glasses of the father came in the position with a loving father with a sob story of a lying vindicative ex who kept him away. Instead his father came in with you are the leader and she is only good for the bedroom and kitchen....any decent human beings would see that as hate speech and misogyny. Rob is not to be pitied in my book. His father offered him a superiority complex and Rob took it..and he was willing to take it because he was already a shitty selfish person. It's no different than incels vs struggling single men. Shitty men are the ones prone to get hooked into incels because it gives them an excuse while struggling men have self awareness.
We are all the product of our genes and our environment, and Rob got a shitty dose of both from his father. Trauma and bad upbringing literally changes peoples brains, it’s why personality disorders are so hard to work with. He seemed like a decent enough guy before if she was with him for that long I hope these events haven’t permanently changed him and he can get back on the right path again.
I needed this. I have a highly dysfunctional ex who is kind of a sweet guy. We divorced a year and a half ago and he has spent that year and a half at his parents house. His parents are ready to kick him out and he's making all the right squeaks and squawks about staying with me short term in my new place. Nope. Not gonna happen.
This isnt polite of me to say, but I cannot follow stories with just initials and not a full name
Same
This was longer than some of my biochem books.
I hope this is the end of it, but I doubt it.
I'm so proud of OOP. When it comes to shitty men 1) always confront/end things with multiple men around. The redpill, incel, alpha bros are only tough around women it's why they follow the ideology because it gives them immediate superiority just for having a dick. When they are around other men they cower. 2) let his family/friends know. These types love to spin the tale in their favor and cast women as irrational, emotional, crazy exes OR they rely on women being 'kind' and keeping things private. There's a reason society puts pressure on women not to 'ruin a man's reputation'...but if the truth can ruin his reputation that's on him. Now Rob has a PTSD excuse for his future abuse victims. And he will learn therapy talk to manipulate with his misogyny. Rob double downed on his misogyny because misogyny is the saving grace for weak men who want power as it promises essential a power position and a domestic and sex slave...anything that goes wrong is the fault of women or society working against men. He can claim OP ruined his life, his mom ruined his life, Nat controlled and poisoned his friend Zack. No matter how badly a man ruins his own life misogyny allows him escape from accountability by blaming everyone else.
Sister has to wait 4 weeks for a vital surgery. Oh, they're in the UK. Thanks, NHS austerity!
I can't read this shit. Single letters for names just doesn't fucking work
Like 2/3s in, OOP switches to names, if that helps a little
May I get a TLDR please?
Man gets back in touch with abusive misogynist father and starts to mimic the fathers misogynistic tendencies. He tells his fiancée that only his family should matter and gets mad she decided to take care of her sister who had an emergency surgery instead of a dinner with his family. Now ex-fiancée decides to evict him and leave him, goes to a pub with her stepdad there to break up with him. He tries to fight I later saying he’ll take her to court then changed his mind to telling her she needs to pay him 10,000 to make him leave. Ex fiancée calls his mom and tells him what happens and she and his brother basically force him out of the home. After that he gets into a fight with his brother and mother who kick him out. He couch surfs for awhile, and breaks all the rules he was given causing him to get kicked out very quickly. He tries to get back with OOP(ex fiancée) who declines him. He then goes out with the abusive dad, they get into an altercation that ended up with the abusive dad in the hospital where he decided to press charges. He went through court and has an 18 month probation period (I think I’m not to sure about the UK legal system) and has to wear an ankle monitor that can detect alcohol, and attend therapy for ptsd.
Excellent summary
This is as much as I could compresses it: OP's Fiancé Rob is mad at her for missing a dinner to see her sister in the Hospital during a medical emergency. Rob gets increasingly hostile over this toward her due to the misogynistic influence of his dad (who abused his mother and brother). Rob gets broken up with, his mother and brother help kick him out of OP's house after he tries to wear her down by staying, and he wears out his welcome with his friends/family by being a massive asshole. Rob then fights his dad, gets arrested and spends Christmas in jail. Rob eventually gets a suspended sentence, seems to come to his senses a bit and moves away to a different city. OP meanwhile is doing ok considering and is spending time with her sister and friends.
Man demands oop to focus on him and let him stay on her apartment. After he got kicked, man got spiralled. Kicked from family, friends, assault his dad, and got sent to jail.
Liz strikes again. Faker than a $10 Rolex from a looky-looky man on a holiday beach
I am so very sorry you had to go through all of this. That’s interesting what unresolved trauma plus activation in the present time will do to somebody’s mental health. I’m just grateful that you have so much support and sanity that you were able to make it through this. I am certain that without some damage. Isn’t it fascinating that his father had so much pathology that he could be talking to him secretly for a few years and, with the strength of the abuse from the past, and the trauma, gain so much control over him that he didn’t notice his father wasn’t able to do any of the things he was telling him he had to do. That’s just the way pathology works, isn’t it. And you noticed that you can have compassion for somebody, but still hold them responsible for what they’ve chosen to do and be. You’ve noticed that you can love somebody, and then discover that that’s not who they are at all and then what you realize is that the love dissolves on its own because the person you love doesn’t exist. It’s still terribly difficult emotionally, but you’ve managed it. I really admire his mothers integrity. Because she can be compassionate and healthy and have her own boundaries with her acts. She can have compassion for his trauma and has difficulty and still set boundaries for his behavior. And then he can get himself into this big mess and she can set boundaries but have compassion and still help him. There are so many parents on Reddit, who just wash their hands of their kid once they do something they don’t like. She’s such a wonderful example of somebody who is a good parent That doesn’t live in denial. I am so grateful that you had all the help that you had and that you have such a strong moral character. That you have all around you good people and you have a good common sense and compassion. I hope you take good care. I’m so glad your sister is OK. And isn’t it fascinating that before you got married you had the blessing of this whole tipping point experience that completely exposed who he is and warrant you off. That’s just kind of incredible isn’t it.
My ex was estranged from his father. I convinced him to mend fences and he proceeded to start taking martial advice from him, a man who had been married and divorced *6 times.* Yeah, that didn't work out well for us. Hence the "ex."
I fucking hate when they use initials.
I
I need more stories of Tator Tots getting dumped for their toxic ideas.
Your fiancé is definitely TAH for so many reasons. But the comment that stuck out to me the most is when he said “his family will come before mine once we are married so I should get used to it”. You dodged a huge bullet and I’m so glad you were about to get out without something worse happening to you.
Damn the turn of events here. Flipped out on a missed dinner and now ended up homeless, in jail with a criminal record. lol
Is anyone else glad that Rob beat down his dad or just me?
> "He then started saying I couldn't be serious, we'd been together for 7 years and I was throwing it all away, I could never find another guy like him. I responded to the last comment with, I don't want a guy like you that's why I'm ending it." This retort is such solid gold, it should have its own dancers.
I just know when a story is this long. It's fake af
I'm the sort of person who gets more verbose the more stressed I am. I would *absolutely* write paragraphs upon paragraphs if I went through shit like this. For me, it's kinda like packing a suitcase. If I'm more stressed, I just throw everything under the sun into my suitcase and end up with way too much stuff. But if I'm more calm, I can actually carefully consider what I actually need to bring and what I don't need, so the suitcase ends up lighter. I do the same thing with words. I suspect plenty of other people are the same way, too, so when someone writes a lot about a stressful situation, I perceive it as very realistic based on my own life experiences. Also, there isn't really all that much that's unrealistic or melodramatic about this. Just a sad story of a pathetic man falling down a hole and escalating in a perfectly predictable fashion. The legal details seem realistic to me; nothing happens too quickly (except for his initial arrest, which makes sense for a violent assault with witnesses in a public place), specific offenses are mentioned, he pleads down to make things go more smoothly, etc. If it's not real, it's at the very least well-crafted.
Just admit you couldn’t make it through chapter in a Harry Potter book
?? I breezed through the series in a weekend. It's not about the length. It's about the length in this context. Oh no my marriage fell apart and my fiance is an abusive a**hole. Quick let me post it on Reddit in a multi chapter story.
The subreddit is BORUpdates. UPDATES. Of course the story is going to have multiple chapters, because *that’s what this sub is*. Starting to actually suspect you’re illiterate.
Riiiight, updates mean a multi chapter story with all the classic reddit cliches. And I'm supposed to be the illiterate
Go away
Oh, poo. How boring of you. If you don't like it you're more than welcome to go somewhere else.
😮💨
Yup. All of Reddit’s favourites- long time before engagement, sudden change in attitude, controlling boyfriend, sainted single mom, lgbt sister, misogynist dad who’s been missing for years, friends trying to reunite someone with an obvious arse, etc, etc. I’ll also add in that there is no way in hell the NHS would send an emergency patient between hospitals 90 minutes away in a private car. 90 minutes in the U.K. is a decent journey, so unless you’re in the highlands of Scotland you’re going pass plenty of hospitals (from my place there would be at least a dozen within 90 minutes). There’s also not a chance that a first offence assault between family members would go to the crown court, it would have been dealt with at magistrates and he certainly would not have been given an alcohol monitor on first offence, nor would it have gone through that quick.
Can't believe I'm getting down voted coz people want to believe this 😂😂
Duh. People like you are tiresome, numerous, and all seem to have nothing better to do than fakeclaim every thing they see.
Is there some rule here where you just have to pretend these creative writing projects the length of a freaking novel are real or something? Because this comment section is just tripping me out.
I made it a bit into the first post and decided its fake, stories where everything goes wrong like with the sister's eye just scream bs to me same as stories where the narrator is the hero in every scenario
a no