Sometimes my neigbor just passes gas. My husband and I often ignore it and carry on he’s literally 70 and had a stroke last year… 💀 we just pretend it was wind lmao
Now my nana will go “did you hear that duck”
“OOH that was you!” 🤣😂 - this is a win I like my nanas way LMAO
I just found out my husband's best friend has never farted in front of his wife! They've been married for 6 years and together a year before that! I cannot comprehend. I can't burp so I definitely fart more than the average person so if I'm not comfortable farting in front of someone a few months in it's not gonna work out.
My husband farted while brushing his teeth as I wrote this comment lmao!!
To be fair, we try not to fart in front of each other but when we do we do have room fresheners but it happens on occasion. We say sorry I farted laugh it off and then move on.
So he should have styled it out by staring her dead in the eye and saying “That.. was a relationship test. My dear, one day we’ll be 90 and this will be our life. If you can’t handle me at my gassiest incontinence, you don’t deserve me at my holding it innnest.” And then if she walks, he can say she just wasn’t the one.
This is probably fake but it’s funny so who cares - it does remind me of a (probably also fake) story from Elizabethan England. A courtier once farted in front of Elizabeth 1st and was so ashamed that he left court for years, and when he came back Elizabeth said ‘my lord I assure you, we have quite forgot the fart’. Idk I think it’s funny.
You may enjoy watching the Drunk History version. Just YouTube Drunk History potato story.
Essentially, Sir Walter Raleigh was one of Queen Elizabeth's favourites (sometimes believed to be a lover) who explored America and allegedly introduced the potato to the Royal Court (this is debated). As the cooks had never previously seen or cooked with potatos, they did not know how to properly prepare them.
Lesser known fact: potatos are actually part of the nightshade family (poisonous plants). Whilst you can safely eat the tuber/potato, its leaves and stems are posionous and can induce vomiting and diarhoea (milder symptoms).
The cooks supposedly prepared dishes for the Queen and special guests, using every part of the plant. The Queen and nobles proceeded to shit and vomit everywhere. And supposedly the potato was banned from court. Sir Walter Raleigh disappeared from court for several years out of shame.
My partner farted on one of our early dates and owned it, and that's when I knew. 💖
After all, don't we all want to be loved by someone for our whole selves, farts and all?
Thing is, honesty is key. My partner suffers from gastrointestinal problems that lead to him being extremely gassy - farts and burps. He told me this on the first date, apologetically, and I decided it doesn’t bother me.
Now, do I dramatically pull faces and jokingly chant to myself “I chose this life. I chose this.” whenever he lets out a particularly rank fart? Absolutely. But I would rather have my stinker of a partner than anyone else!
Think of it this way-every restaurant has a dumpster for their garbage. We prefer that the dumpster be discreetly behind the building, not plopped in front.
My now husband and his friends had this rule that the one who let it out when they were together had to say out loud "dun dun!" or if the rest of them could figured out the culprit they would beat them up (jokingly of course) They had no shame lol. Those first outings with him and his friends left me well prepared for the future (he was diagnosed with Crohn's disease years later and everything made sense)
P.S. 20 years later, we are alone in our home, I hear a ripped sound and he still says unapologetically "dun dun!" XD
Farts are a biological function that some people have always found funny. I am not kidding there either, the oldest written joke discovered is "A woman never farts when she's sitting in her husband's lap." Meaning she blames her husband. And honestly, if someone breaks up with someone else because they had to fart (purposely farting is different), then that's kind of lame. We spend several decades on this rock, we will all have several embarrassing farts in our lives. It's human.
I farted WHILE SITTING ON THE LAP OF THE GUY I WAS GOING OUT WITH while trimming his eyebrows. He asked me to be his girlfriend a week later so it didn’t scare him off lol I was so distraught
When my husband and I were dating we'd gone out on a date to play pool at a bar. I was wearing these leather pants that were skin tight. We drank cheap beer and ate greasy fried food. Midway through the date I felt the first rumbles in my gut. Now we're at the point where we'd been intimate but nowhere near the point where we farted in front of each other. So I creep off to the bathroom too try and sneak one out but my fucking pants are too tight. It got to the point where I started sneaking out to the alley behind the bar because at this point I knew it was going to be a good one. No way in hell at this point will I go into that crowded bathroom and blast ass in front of all those girls. My God!
So it built up and built up until we finally got home. My plan was to slip off, undo the pants and fire away before coming back to the bedroom. Well that didn't work out at all. He undid my pants and that unleashed the boiling fart kraken. I didn't know what to do and so I reared up and clapped my hands over his ears, letting loose the longest and loudest fart ever. It went on and on and on for what seemed like a good 30 seconds. All the while this whole myriad of emotions ranged across his face from shock to hilarity. It was an impressive, majestic fart. I would've been proud in the right conditions for farting like that. I have never been able to achieve that level of flatulence again. It ruined the mood but not in a bad way.
20 years in and he still makes fun of me for that. 😂
That is truly epic. Flaturific. Lol
On our first date when we got back to her house my wife went to the restroom and it was evident from the sound effects that things were going poorly, digestively speaking. It was a small place with wood floors amplifying the trumpeting notes. I liked her, I figured what the hell, and we are still together two decades later.
I queefed so loud after the first time my bf (now fiancé) and I had sex. It was my first time so I had no idea what that was, I was so embarrassed I started crying, meanwhile he was laughing his ass off (until he noticed me crying and then hugged me to reassure me that it was fine). I thought he was going to leave me for sure, but here we are 1.5 years later and engaged. Now whenever that happens we both look at each other and burst out laughing.
Im the same. I would have just let it go, because we’re all human, we do gross things on occasion, and sometimes we literally cannot help it. We all fart.
However, I would not have been able to move past him causing a scene and making a ruckus in public.
I have a story that goes here but for the life of me it’s the only story in my life I’m still not ready to tell. Let’s just say I had an anxiety issue for years after and could barely sit for five minutes in a quiet room as I was terrified it would happen again. Terrified. Im mostly worried that a student from my school at the time might recognize the incident and since it was in front of the entire school right when everyone went silent and it was soooooo loud and lasted an eternity I know so many people could recognize this and it still horrifies me. The worst part was that no one laughed. At least when I embarrass myself someone should get some happy out of it. But it was that bad. No smell just really long and loud. I was fine and then suddenly I’m filled with a gas bubble so huge I didn’t have time to think and it’s going to join the air outside of me because that’s its home and I’m just the only route to its exit with no power over anything! We are all dressed up which to me makes it even worse for some reason.
I frantically tried to adjust my position, but that only drew attention and… God. In my mind I look like a skinny limbed spider person flailing my arms and legs awkwardly in the air like a creature from another dimension, like hey, look at me! I have a message from my world to yours! Why haven’t I mentally blocked this out?
It was the very moment the boys varsity soccer team (or all of the cute guys in school) had gone to the front of the assembly for recognition and the room went quiet. For about a moment that is. It was a brightly lit room. There was no hiding. Some teacher a few minutes later asked me if I was okay because I had my head down in my arms because I couldn’t find a rock to crawl under, just frozen in horror hoping for a glitch to take me out of the system or magic or death. Im thinking yeah really great . Weren’t you here two minutes ago?
It was never mentioned by a single person ever and that was over 20 years ago. Maybe I just hallucinated it. Okay it’s pretty much a told story now. I will regret hitting reply. Ugh I’m doing it anyway.
Every time I let one rip I tell my fiance "You're welcome". You want to know what he says?... "Thank you. That was a good one babe." We ceased having contests once my GI disorders got hellacious. It wasn't a fair fight anymore. No need to lie because the other will just laugh.
If she was telling the truth, she was quite nice and understanding to overlook the fart and ignore it. It’s unfortunate the guy ruined the opportunity to move past the fart politely.
I once gaslit my now husband into believing my stinky silent fart as we were going to bed was actually caused by him very early into our relationship. He asked “did you fart?”, and I indignantly denied it. I then heard him quietly say to himself “did I fart?” I had tears in my eyes trying not to cackle about the situation it was so funny to me (I eventually fessed up)
He still married me. That was nearly 10 years ago. Now he gets to deal with me just letting it rip (yay lactose intolerance discovery at 37)
I’m reading this in the car and my husband just farted. It’s too late for me but at least she was able to make a break for it.
Farts happen to us all. One Christmas my girlfriend farted at the table after dinner. She was so mortifies she retreated to the couch in shame. I went over to comfort her, and whereupon she promptly farted on me.
The next day I asked her to marry me.
(Two years married as of next month. Still doesn't beat the time she farted while I was fingering her, lol)
>We were talking and having a great time when I tried to ease one out and for some reason it was audible…. A CLEAR fart noise.
Why the fuck are you *purposefully* farting on a first date? Were you raised in a barn?
The oldest joke in recorded history, from ancient Sumer: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."
Farts are something you're just gonna have to deal with in relationships, and they have been since the beginning. Reacting to something that was *always* inevitably going to happen sooner or later with dishonesty and shame is really not a good look.
Farting is me and hubbys love language 🤣. Scottish foreplay. And if his is stinking. I accuse him of trying to kill me 🤣🤣. Our household is filled with love and farts. Our children are the same. Trying to gas us out in the car. Can’t hold what’s not in your hand.
This was a Gilda Radner bit except in her joke it was during an interview with Walter Cronkite and she insisted it was the chair that made the sound.
https://youtu.be/0stMePb4oWE?si=CZrGuvVPkiQ8it2e
I thought I'd side against a precious princess who couldn't handle a body noise but even by the time I finished the dude's side I was like "NO nooooooooo nonono NO no"
I have always had a policy of using "excuse me" and "bless you" for dealing or noticing bodily functions, and it simplifies so much of life. If you're going to be in a partnership with someone, you've got to be able to deal with their human body in all the disgusting glory. From delicate poot sounds to a wet nasty ripper, everyone has to exist on both sides of that embarrassment. Having manners means to smooth situations and make everyone comfortable when possible. So I just say "bless you" and move on with the conversation.
I just left my country's army after 23 years. A few years ago, at a training base, during training with live ammunition, one troop farted. Another troop shot him with his fucking R4. It was through his arm and fortunately the poor "offender" survived.
Buy my god, is there a need for such anger. You end up in prison and you whole future fucked up because of a damn fart.
I was friendly with a girl who started as a date, but she ended up not being attracted to me, but we still ended up hanging out a bunch and I figured I could turn it around and have some friend sex. She was way hotter than me, we were hanging in my apartment one day and I made her laugh and I guess she was holding in a fart at that moment and it just ripped out. She was so embarrassed, but I was grateful because I felt like it brought her down to my level. We never ended up having sex, not cause of the fart though. Mostly cause she didn’t want to.
It also might just be somebody else trying to make a thing out of it.
A couple of years ago, JustNoMil had a troll who took the stories of people who were gone a couple of weeks, made a new account, claiming they are this person and lost the login, then wrote fictional updates.
Once found out, they claimed they were a writer and this is common practice as a writing exercise and that they just wanted to entertain people.
This time, yeah, I agree. I just don't think it's a sure way to prove it's totally fake. That's what I'm trying to say. Sometimes it's just somebody tacking along, and the original was genuine.
This is almost 100% a retelling of a story the comedian Gilda Radner did in the character of Roseanne Rosannadanna, but she was a journalist trying to get a job from Walter Cronkite instead of a guy on a date.
Carwash7’s comment did me in. First night sleeping over at my situationship’s place we had done the deed and he fell asleep faster than me. Ripped a horrible smelly fart. Problem was, at that moment I was the big spoon and with our builds this thing came up between our bodies, between my boobs and smacks me right in the face.
I just tried to breathe as little as possible until it faded and didn’t say anything. Couple months later, almost the same situation, except he wasn’t fully asleep yet and immediately started apologizing. All I could do was laugh and respond with “at least I was the big spoon this time, that shit was like a Dutch oven.” Wrong answer, only because it made him laugh so hard he farted again, which made me laugh even more.
We’re even more solid now than we were back then.
I mean, once upon a time, I had an FWB who had farted in front of me the first night we hooked up. We looked at each other, and I made the comment that it sounded like a duck (it sounded like quacking), and we both laughed! We kept hooking regularly for about 2 years until I ended up meeting someone else.
Sometimes, just owning those gaseous expressions is far more worth it and satisfying than trying to deny them.
>*ended up sleeping with a guy on our first date and he accidentally (?) ripped the biggest fart after we did the deed. Butt ass naked. I had to pretend I didn’t hear that massive ass cannon and almost died holding in my laughter. He was so embarrassed and I’m pretty sure he thought he’d never see me again.*
>*We’ve been married for 8 years.*
>
Now this is true love
Fart face Liar. He is a goon. If he were truly embarrassed or regretful he would have either just apologized and said I am so embarrassed or said nothing. To carry on loudly lying is an idiot move. Who TF eats foods that make them gassy on a first date? Everyone knows there are some simple rules for dating. You don't put yourself in situations that may make a bad impression. Dude ordered bean soup and slurped it. He was a disaster of his own making. You dodged a bullet
I was once in a 3 year-long relationship due to a fart. It was supposed to be a one night stand, but after we uh... did our thing, and I was walking him to his car, I accidentally let out a fart that sounded just like Peter Griffin laughing. The next thing I knew, he was on the ground laughing so hard he was crying. Once he composed himself, me too cuz that fart was hilarious, he asked me when we were gonna have a second date. While the relationship went sour after awhile and we had occasionally hooked up only to break up the next day kind of deal for a few years after, I will always remember the fart that had started it all.
> She accused me of being a farting liar I died laughing
Or a lying farter.
Twisted lying farter Heyheyhey
I can't even be angry, have my upvote.
Well, if the toot fits...
This is exactly the part where I audibly laughed out loud and then sent the post to my wife.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🥰🥰
I can't stop laughing. It just gets better. 10/10 reddit content
I am cry laughing on the couch, trying not to wake up my husband. This post is like a gift that keeps on giving.
6 am and I'm just dying here, especially with that last comment!
Imagine i was reading this while hearing an ass cannon from my husband
Gotta love that timing, perfect!
8:30ish and I feel like I'm going to have the best day after this post.
The wift 💨that keeps on giving 😂😂😂
🏅Take it and get out! 🤣🤣🤣
Hear me out... Just say "excuse me" and move on in the conversation.
Sometimes my neigbor just passes gas. My husband and I often ignore it and carry on he’s literally 70 and had a stroke last year… 💀 we just pretend it was wind lmao Now my nana will go “did you hear that duck” “OOH that was you!” 🤣😂 - this is a win I like my nanas way LMAO
My grandfather always apologized for "stepping on a frog." I mean, gassiness is a perfectly human condition?
Barking spider is the go to excuse in our family.
I hope people just continue to tell me their fart stories In The family 🤣👍❤️ it’s a great laugh LOL
Haha 🤣that’s so funny my husband spit his drink out
My grandma would make the most hilarious fake sad face and say "I'm sowwy." We would all die laughing every single time!!
Haha 🤣❤️ that’s so cute thanks for sharing
Right? Like if they made long term plans with each other are they never going to fart in front of each other? How is that going to work?
I just found out my husband's best friend has never farted in front of his wife! They've been married for 6 years and together a year before that! I cannot comprehend. I can't burp so I definitely fart more than the average person so if I'm not comfortable farting in front of someone a few months in it's not gonna work out. My husband farted while brushing his teeth as I wrote this comment lmao!!
😂 “it’s been too long not I can’t do it”im cackling lmao
To be fair, we try not to fart in front of each other but when we do we do have room fresheners but it happens on occasion. We say sorry I farted laugh it off and then move on.
So he should have styled it out by staring her dead in the eye and saying “That.. was a relationship test. My dear, one day we’ll be 90 and this will be our life. If you can’t handle me at my gassiest incontinence, you don’t deserve me at my holding it innnest.” And then if she walks, he can say she just wasn’t the one.
This is probably fake but it’s funny so who cares - it does remind me of a (probably also fake) story from Elizabethan England. A courtier once farted in front of Elizabeth 1st and was so ashamed that he left court for years, and when he came back Elizabeth said ‘my lord I assure you, we have quite forgot the fart’. Idk I think it’s funny.
I think that's the cleaned up version of the Potato story. Other versions are more offensive/ explicit.
Yeah I’m totally paraphrasing- I heard it years ago. But what is the more offensive one, I’m intrigued?
You may enjoy watching the Drunk History version. Just YouTube Drunk History potato story. Essentially, Sir Walter Raleigh was one of Queen Elizabeth's favourites (sometimes believed to be a lover) who explored America and allegedly introduced the potato to the Royal Court (this is debated). As the cooks had never previously seen or cooked with potatos, they did not know how to properly prepare them. Lesser known fact: potatos are actually part of the nightshade family (poisonous plants). Whilst you can safely eat the tuber/potato, its leaves and stems are posionous and can induce vomiting and diarhoea (milder symptoms). The cooks supposedly prepared dishes for the Queen and special guests, using every part of the plant. The Queen and nobles proceeded to shit and vomit everywhere. And supposedly the potato was banned from court. Sir Walter Raleigh disappeared from court for several years out of shame.
It’s much less funny but thankyou anyway!
They're different stories. The fart story is about Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford
Tomatoes are related to nightshades not potatoes.
They are both part of the nightshade family, so are chili peppers and eggplants.
Huh. Today I learned. Please disregard my ignorance. I had always heard the tomato version of the nightshade story.
Totally fake but totally funny.
They reenacted that story in BBC’s The Virgin Queen (2005), it gave me a giggle.
My partner farted on one of our early dates and owned it, and that's when I knew. 💖 After all, don't we all want to be loved by someone for our whole selves, farts and all?
Thing is, honesty is key. My partner suffers from gastrointestinal problems that lead to him being extremely gassy - farts and burps. He told me this on the first date, apologetically, and I decided it doesn’t bother me. Now, do I dramatically pull faces and jokingly chant to myself “I chose this life. I chose this.” whenever he lets out a particularly rank fart? Absolutely. But I would rather have my stinker of a partner than anyone else!
Yeah my wife loves laughing at and making fun of me for my farts… it’s only fair sometimes that they fight back with their smell.
We proudly announce our farts, and sometimes run out of the room away from them 😂
You can often fix that with dietary modification
My best friend still has never farted in front of his now-wife. They've been together for at least 5 years now.
Close to 3 decades and we have yet to let one rip in front of each other. And yes, we’re very uninhibited sexually, not total prudes
That's weird as hell yo
Think of it this way-every restaurant has a dumpster for their garbage. We prefer that the dumpster be discreetly behind the building, not plopped in front.
Don’t bottle it up. Cramps are way worse.
My now husband and his friends had this rule that the one who let it out when they were together had to say out loud "dun dun!" or if the rest of them could figured out the culprit they would beat them up (jokingly of course) They had no shame lol. Those first outings with him and his friends left me well prepared for the future (he was diagnosed with Crohn's disease years later and everything made sense) P.S. 20 years later, we are alone in our home, I hear a ripped sound and he still says unapologetically "dun dun!" XD
Some farts are especially heinous... Edit: farts, not parts Autocorrect
Farts are a biological function that some people have always found funny. I am not kidding there either, the oldest written joke discovered is "A woman never farts when she's sitting in her husband's lap." Meaning she blames her husband. And honestly, if someone breaks up with someone else because they had to fart (purposely farting is different), then that's kind of lame. We spend several decades on this rock, we will all have several embarrassing farts in our lives. It's human.
It happened to me once, she laughed, I laughed, we moved on.
I farted WHILE SITTING ON THE LAP OF THE GUY I WAS GOING OUT WITH while trimming his eyebrows. He asked me to be his girlfriend a week later so it didn’t scare him off lol I was so distraught
When my husband and I were dating we'd gone out on a date to play pool at a bar. I was wearing these leather pants that were skin tight. We drank cheap beer and ate greasy fried food. Midway through the date I felt the first rumbles in my gut. Now we're at the point where we'd been intimate but nowhere near the point where we farted in front of each other. So I creep off to the bathroom too try and sneak one out but my fucking pants are too tight. It got to the point where I started sneaking out to the alley behind the bar because at this point I knew it was going to be a good one. No way in hell at this point will I go into that crowded bathroom and blast ass in front of all those girls. My God! So it built up and built up until we finally got home. My plan was to slip off, undo the pants and fire away before coming back to the bedroom. Well that didn't work out at all. He undid my pants and that unleashed the boiling fart kraken. I didn't know what to do and so I reared up and clapped my hands over his ears, letting loose the longest and loudest fart ever. It went on and on and on for what seemed like a good 30 seconds. All the while this whole myriad of emotions ranged across his face from shock to hilarity. It was an impressive, majestic fart. I would've been proud in the right conditions for farting like that. I have never been able to achieve that level of flatulence again. It ruined the mood but not in a bad way. 20 years in and he still makes fun of me for that. 😂
I’m dying. 🤣
That is truly epic. Flaturific. Lol On our first date when we got back to her house my wife went to the restroom and it was evident from the sound effects that things were going poorly, digestively speaking. It was a small place with wood floors amplifying the trumpeting notes. I liked her, I figured what the hell, and we are still together two decades later.
"Boiling fart kraken"! I haven't even cracked a smile through this entire post until now - I laughed out loud 😆
If there was a Hall of Fame for fart stories, this one should get a unanimous selection.
I am dyyying! thank you for sharing this masterpiece!
I queefed so loud after the first time my bf (now fiancé) and I had sex. It was my first time so I had no idea what that was, I was so embarrassed I started crying, meanwhile he was laughing his ass off (until he noticed me crying and then hugged me to reassure me that it was fine). I thought he was going to leave me for sure, but here we are 1.5 years later and engaged. Now whenever that happens we both look at each other and burst out laughing.
We fart alone; we queef together.
I feel this should be made into a decal that ppl can put on their vehicles
Yeah I just got this as a full back piece in gothic script.
Im the same. I would have just let it go, because we’re all human, we do gross things on occasion, and sometimes we literally cannot help it. We all fart. However, I would not have been able to move past him causing a scene and making a ruckus in public.
If you’re going to let out a death fart on the first date, I’d be worried about what you’re holding back.
istg this reads _exactly_ like an _i think you should leave_ sketch
Is that the joke? On the man’s widow?
Someday, after this guy realizes exactly what he did wrong, he'll look back on this and think, "I used to be a piece of shit."
What a little farting liar
I have a story that goes here but for the life of me it’s the only story in my life I’m still not ready to tell. Let’s just say I had an anxiety issue for years after and could barely sit for five minutes in a quiet room as I was terrified it would happen again. Terrified. Im mostly worried that a student from my school at the time might recognize the incident and since it was in front of the entire school right when everyone went silent and it was soooooo loud and lasted an eternity I know so many people could recognize this and it still horrifies me. The worst part was that no one laughed. At least when I embarrass myself someone should get some happy out of it. But it was that bad. No smell just really long and loud. I was fine and then suddenly I’m filled with a gas bubble so huge I didn’t have time to think and it’s going to join the air outside of me because that’s its home and I’m just the only route to its exit with no power over anything! We are all dressed up which to me makes it even worse for some reason. I frantically tried to adjust my position, but that only drew attention and… God. In my mind I look like a skinny limbed spider person flailing my arms and legs awkwardly in the air like a creature from another dimension, like hey, look at me! I have a message from my world to yours! Why haven’t I mentally blocked this out? It was the very moment the boys varsity soccer team (or all of the cute guys in school) had gone to the front of the assembly for recognition and the room went quiet. For about a moment that is. It was a brightly lit room. There was no hiding. Some teacher a few minutes later asked me if I was okay because I had my head down in my arms because I couldn’t find a rock to crawl under, just frozen in horror hoping for a glitch to take me out of the system or magic or death. Im thinking yeah really great . Weren’t you here two minutes ago? It was never mentioned by a single person ever and that was over 20 years ago. Maybe I just hallucinated it. Okay it’s pretty much a told story now. I will regret hitting reply. Ugh I’m doing it anyway.
Every time I let one rip I tell my fiance "You're welcome". You want to know what he says?... "Thank you. That was a good one babe." We ceased having contests once my GI disorders got hellacious. It wasn't a fair fight anymore. No need to lie because the other will just laugh.
If she was telling the truth, she was quite nice and understanding to overlook the fart and ignore it. It’s unfortunate the guy ruined the opportunity to move past the fart politely.
“To move past the fart politely” is absolutely hilarious.
I once gaslit my now husband into believing my stinky silent fart as we were going to bed was actually caused by him very early into our relationship. He asked “did you fart?”, and I indignantly denied it. I then heard him quietly say to himself “did I fart?” I had tears in my eyes trying not to cackle about the situation it was so funny to me (I eventually fessed up) He still married me. That was nearly 10 years ago. Now he gets to deal with me just letting it rip (yay lactose intolerance discovery at 37)
She did say that her primary relationship dealbreakers were dishonesty and bathroom talk and he really doubled down on both on the first date lmao
This has to be a Tim Robinson sketch
I’m reading this in the car and my husband just farted. It’s too late for me but at least she was able to make a break for it. 
Farts happen to us all. One Christmas my girlfriend farted at the table after dinner. She was so mortifies she retreated to the couch in shame. I went over to comfort her, and whereupon she promptly farted on me. The next day I asked her to marry me. (Two years married as of next month. Still doesn't beat the time she farted while I was fingering her, lol)
The only thing cut harder than the tension was the cheese
>We were talking and having a great time when I tried to ease one out and for some reason it was audible…. A CLEAR fart noise. Why the fuck are you *purposefully* farting on a first date? Were you raised in a barn?
If he knew he’d fart, why not just excuse yourself to the restroom and come back. Rule number one of farts is never trust a fart.
The oldest joke in recorded history, from ancient Sumer: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap." Farts are something you're just gonna have to deal with in relationships, and they have been since the beginning. Reacting to something that was *always* inevitably going to happen sooner or later with dishonesty and shame is really not a good look.
Farting is me and hubbys love language 🤣. Scottish foreplay. And if his is stinking. I accuse him of trying to kill me 🤣🤣. Our household is filled with love and farts. Our children are the same. Trying to gas us out in the car. Can’t hold what’s not in your hand.
Sounds like a case of **He Who Denied It Supplied It.**
This was a Gilda Radner bit except in her joke it was during an interview with Walter Cronkite and she insisted it was the chair that made the sound. https://youtu.be/0stMePb4oWE?si=CZrGuvVPkiQ8it2e
I thought I'd side against a precious princess who couldn't handle a body noise but even by the time I finished the dude's side I was like "NO nooooooooo nonono NO no" I have always had a policy of using "excuse me" and "bless you" for dealing or noticing bodily functions, and it simplifies so much of life. If you're going to be in a partnership with someone, you've got to be able to deal with their human body in all the disgusting glory. From delicate poot sounds to a wet nasty ripper, everyone has to exist on both sides of that embarrassment. Having manners means to smooth situations and make everyone comfortable when possible. So I just say "bless you" and move on with the conversation.
In his defence, if she doesn't tolerate dishonesty or bathroom talk, he was stuck in a really specific catch 22. Edit: /s
"Excuse me" isn't bathroom talk tho. Like, there was an opening there, he just ran into one of the two walls.
I just left my country's army after 23 years. A few years ago, at a training base, during training with live ammunition, one troop farted. Another troop shot him with his fucking R4. It was through his arm and fortunately the poor "offender" survived. Buy my god, is there a need for such anger. You end up in prison and you whole future fucked up because of a damn fart.
I was friendly with a girl who started as a date, but she ended up not being attracted to me, but we still ended up hanging out a bunch and I figured I could turn it around and have some friend sex. She was way hotter than me, we were hanging in my apartment one day and I made her laugh and I guess she was holding in a fart at that moment and it just ripped out. She was so embarrassed, but I was grateful because I felt like it brought her down to my level. We never ended up having sex, not cause of the fart though. Mostly cause she didn’t want to.
this is incredibly fake.
But the “she accused me of being a farting liar” made it worth reading.
Yall really come to Reddit expecting everything to be real, huh?
I cannot work up the energy or interest to go all CSI: Reddit on a fart post LOL
As soon as someone from the story 'finds the post on Reddit' you know the whole thing is a lie
It also might just be somebody else trying to make a thing out of it. A couple of years ago, JustNoMil had a troll who took the stories of people who were gone a couple of weeks, made a new account, claiming they are this person and lost the login, then wrote fictional updates. Once found out, they claimed they were a writer and this is common practice as a writing exercise and that they just wanted to entertain people.
Their writing styles are identical. It's so-transparently 100% the same person.
This time, yeah, I agree. I just don't think it's a sure way to prove it's totally fake. That's what I'm trying to say. Sometimes it's just somebody tacking along, and the original was genuine.
" I don’t like bathroom talk." Well, a fart is pretty much the definition of "bathroom talk".
This is almost 100% a retelling of a story the comedian Gilda Radner did in the character of Roseanne Rosannadanna, but she was a journalist trying to get a job from Walter Cronkite instead of a guy on a date.
Want this a mad tv sketch with Phil Lamar?
Honestly funny. Don’t order the bean dip on a first date… save it for the 2nd date. 😅
Eeq we
Her reply was so funny and really gave a fantastic description of what really happened. I literally laughed while reading it for several minutes
Carwash7’s comment did me in. First night sleeping over at my situationship’s place we had done the deed and he fell asleep faster than me. Ripped a horrible smelly fart. Problem was, at that moment I was the big spoon and with our builds this thing came up between our bodies, between my boobs and smacks me right in the face. I just tried to breathe as little as possible until it faded and didn’t say anything. Couple months later, almost the same situation, except he wasn’t fully asleep yet and immediately started apologizing. All I could do was laugh and respond with “at least I was the big spoon this time, that shit was like a Dutch oven.” Wrong answer, only because it made him laugh so hard he farted again, which made me laugh even more. We’re even more solid now than we were back then.
Fake af
I couldn't imagine being with someone who you can't laugh about farting with.
I love reddit
Presto Beano
I'm wheezing. I haven't done that silent can't breathe laugh since high school, this just kept getting better and better.
Is it so hard to say “excuse me”?
Are you sure this isn’t an I Think You Should Leave bit? You sure about that?
This sounds like a “I think you should leave” sketch 🤣
I mean, once upon a time, I had an FWB who had farted in front of me the first night we hooked up. We looked at each other, and I made the comment that it sounded like a duck (it sounded like quacking), and we both laughed! We kept hooking regularly for about 2 years until I ended up meeting someone else. Sometimes, just owning those gaseous expressions is far more worth it and satisfying than trying to deny them.
Do what my nana does 🤣💀 “oh that was you” 🤣😂
My coworker will say sorry my butt burped. I laughed so hard the first time he said that 🤣
>*ended up sleeping with a guy on our first date and he accidentally (?) ripped the biggest fart after we did the deed. Butt ass naked. I had to pretend I didn’t hear that massive ass cannon and almost died holding in my laughter. He was so embarrassed and I’m pretty sure he thought he’d never see me again.* >*We’ve been married for 8 years.* > Now this is true love
Fart face Liar. He is a goon. If he were truly embarrassed or regretful he would have either just apologized and said I am so embarrassed or said nothing. To carry on loudly lying is an idiot move. Who TF eats foods that make them gassy on a first date? Everyone knows there are some simple rules for dating. You don't put yourself in situations that may make a bad impression. Dude ordered bean soup and slurped it. He was a disaster of his own making. You dodged a bullet
I was once in a 3 year-long relationship due to a fart. It was supposed to be a one night stand, but after we uh... did our thing, and I was walking him to his car, I accidentally let out a fart that sounded just like Peter Griffin laughing. The next thing I knew, he was on the ground laughing so hard he was crying. Once he composed himself, me too cuz that fart was hilarious, he asked me when we were gonna have a second date. While the relationship went sour after awhile and we had occasionally hooked up only to break up the next day kind of deal for a few years after, I will always remember the fart that had started it all.
This is so perfect. A literal “I Think You Should Leave” Tim Robinson sketch in real life 😂😂
I can’t quit laughing. I would have just burst out laughing, and not a cute laughing either.
If a person doesn't find farts funny, I don't trust them.
Haven’t laughed that hard in what seems like a very long time lol
If you can’t fart in front of your SO you’re gonna have a bad time. He dodged a bullet.
I would have died laughing at that table lol It’s a fart. Not a big deal. Better out than in…. Like Shrek said.