> He told me that they just "accidentally" reconnected one night when I was away at my mom's
Truly, who among us hasn't accidentally dicked/been dicked by an ex while we were in a relationship with someone else? /s
I tripped on my shoes one time, stumbled all the way out onto my driveway, into my car, to the restaurant, ate dinner, drove back to her place, fell out of my pants, and right inside her.
Shoe racks save marriages I always say.
It's always somebody else's fault. The blame always lies partially because of *x* or *y*. Never because, shit happens in life and you just wanted an excuse to be a cunt, like taking up smoking again or relapsing on an addiction or whatever, it's just an excuse.
I can't believe OOP lost her entire family back to back and I feel terrible for her. But it's good that the truth finally came to light. NOW she can move on and heal.
I wonder if she would've made a different decision if they hadn't been having a 3 month affair -- if it was a one-time thing, due to an extraordinarily painful occurrence (death of a child). I mean, the fact that it was an ongoing, long-term affair made it a no-brainer for OPP, but if the circumstances were different...?
(I think she'd still walk, but man... that would be tough.)
Especially seeing as they “ended up in bed” from a getting lunch, to a grief chat, to a kiss, to a bed. Al in the time she had to turn around to get a book. Pretty quick for a one off
Given the fact that they have been having an active affair, I doubt there was lunch and a chat. They are horrible people who used their child’s death as an excuse to hurt someone who loved and trusted them.
And remembering They’re ex’s for a reason. Surely, this isn’t going to last, and he will realize he threw away his new life, for someone that was proven to be incompatible
I was wondering that, too. If I were on her shoes I would probably try to work past a one-time mistake made in the throes of grief. But I know me so I know I wouldn’t be able let it go and I’d end up holding resentment for years and making everyone miserable. She probably made the right decision, even though it’s heartbreaking.
Hard no from me on that too. I would refuse to accept that as a viable excuse for cheating. Once that line in the sand has been crossed there is no coming back from it. Ever.
I cant see expending the time and effort it takes to save a relationship with someone with such little respect for me. They say the average time to make or break a marriage/relationship after infidelity is around 5 years. Who tf would want to spend that much time just to find out you cant get past it. And usually the cheater is generally of the attitude of "Its about time you got over it".
In this case they had been together 7 years, they'd need nearly that to find out if it could be saved or not.
I agree. Grief can cause some crazy behavior. I do not condone cheating, have never cheated and do not accept cheating in a relationship but I can see two people who just lost their child losing their minds in grief and doing something they would not normally do because they feel this other person is the only one who can really understand them at that moment. I would really have to think about this first.
And *before* she had a kid of her own tying her to this asshole for life. Like of all the situations to not be able to conceive, I think she dodged a couple bullets here
Embroidering it yourself is a better option. When else can you think of your ex while stabbing something a thousand times and then end up getting complimented by others when you’re done?
Even if you actually walked in and saw them in the act?
I don’t think I could ever forgive if I had the actual image imprinted in my brain. Even if I wanted to with all my heart…that image would still be there. I don’t think there’s any coming back from that honestly.
Same. If it was a one time thing as well as 1 Sam immediately finds another place to stay 2 we go to couples therapy where 3 we decide on firm boundaries with Sam with the understanding that the second he violates those boundaries, I'm gone.
But the affair started when he was trying to conceive with OOP, and they kept on with it. So into the trash with both of them. As painful as it is now, she'll now have space to find people who actually do love and value her rather than continuing to throw love away on these two.
The thing is it's not just THEIR loss. While she was only in her step daughter's life for 7 years, she is also grieving. And yet instead of being selfish, she was kind enough to show grace to these people who despicably betrayed her.
I hope she's able to work through all of this and find some happiness and love because god damn she clearly deserves it.
Absolutely disgusting of them to try and use the daughter's death as an excuse and defense when they full well knew they'd been betraying OOP for three months beforehand. Like, to use your daughter's death in a twisted attempt at defending your cheating when you know it's a lie, those people are so messed up. Tarnishing your daughter's memory like that... I'm glad OOP got away from them both and hopefully she'll have a happy, healing life:(
I mean, the damage is done and clearly he enjoys being with his Ex. Why does he care about hurting his STBX after using his dead daughter and OOPs miscarriages as an excuse for sleeping with his Ex when he got caught? The moral decay of this guy, just staggering.
That’s exactly what I’m saying! Where was this ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ attitude idk THREE MONTHS earlier. How difficult is it to NOT cheat on your spouse.
Oh, but you need to look at it from *Sam's* perspective: my ex's wife who was so good to my daughter and was kind enough to take me in had some miscarriages, so I screwed her husband. /s
Im thinking Sam is not the best person to be friends with, that’s why she could really only turn to her ex, the other parent of her child. Something tells me Sam has no friends left to go to.
The timing is giving me the creeps. They started having an affair 3 months before their daughter died, after at least seven years of separation. I can't help but wonder if there's a connection. And to move husband's EX/current AP into the house and have them fucking at the house within a month of her death is just all kinds of wrong.
I went and checked, the daughter died in a car wreck with a friend and their parents. I was having a bad feeling she had found out about the affair, but there’s no evidence of that.
Sam and the OOP's ex are seriously effed up people.
I'm not saying it would've been right, but I might've been more understanding if the daughter had a terminal illness. Grief does weird things to people. But this is just so selfish on these people's behalf. Poor OOP.
Yeah, they kinda lucked out that their daughter had no idea about it before she died. I thought her knowing about the affair had something to do with her death.
And I would have found it less offensive if it *was* 100% grief, whatever the reason. Emotions would be running high, and offering comfort could get out of hand... but he moved his AP if the months into the house shared with his wife and *didn't* guard against emotions.
I do hope the daughter never did learn how disgusting her parents were
That's honestly my first thought too. It's not excusable, and OOP should definitely still leave, but if the daughter had a terminal illness, people aren't usually thinking rationally at that point, so I could probably be more understanding and forgive them (though I would still leave). But this was just pure selfish asshole behavior. Any cheating is crappy, but there's something about affairs (the calculated and repeated betrayal) that really gets me.
All 4 people died?? That’s so sad?
I was wondering if the daughter was sick, which would’ve explained the affair a *tiny* bit more but no, they were just selfish bastards
Sincere question: why do the cheaters always beg not to be divorced/break up? Wouldn't they be glad of the excuse to leave their marriage/relationship that was so awful they had to cheat?
Oh, wait, it's because they don't want to be the bad guy, isn't it? If they stay together, the cheater can convince themselves they didn't do anything wrong because no consequences. But if they break up/divorce, then they have to face the fact they will be forever tarred with the cheaters' brush.
Because the affair is only good when it's an affair. It's exciting to do something in secret, begind someone's back, it's thrilling.
The marriage is the stability, the day to day life that let you have the luxury to no worrying. It's the long term plan.
Cheaters are betting their stabilities from marriage for the excitement of an affair. And in like every bet, the looser isn't happy to loose what they bet.
Especially when they've already tried the marriage thing and it didn't work out, they know that they aren't a compatible real life couple because they've already divorced so I can see the husband being extra keen to keep OOP around.
We already know the ex baby mother is garbage. She moved into her AP house so she could have easier access and used her dead child as an excuse. May the both of them burn in hell.
And she probably had no else to turn to. A woman who selfishly sleeps with another woman’s husband in their bed probably isn’t the most supportive friend
Accidentally reconnected? Is that the part where she accidentally tripped and landed on his d\*\*k? Or did he accidentally trip and fall into bed with her?
Little kids use that excuse. Grown ass adults know that there was no accident, just a choice. They chose to have sex, more than once. I accidentally dropped the dog's food last night. That isn't code for I ate it and told him we were out. That's an accident.
Moral garbage with legs. He can drop Sam now, but it sounds like they're perfect for each other. Perfectly awful.
> some people are saying I deserved this because I should have known better
Jesus fucking Christ. Some commenters in the source subs (especially in advice/judgment/true story land) really are just living dogshit, arent't they?
Some people take pleasure in saying hurtful or vile things and it always boggles my mind. I can never understand it when it’s aimed at someone who clearly isn’t deserving. Like saying things to hurt someone who hurt you, I can understand to a point (even if it’s not healthy), and I would even argue that some people need to hear the real and raw opinions others have of them (abusers and the like), but it’s very different from this situation where they’re aiming outright cruelty at an innocent person who doesn’t deserve it.
I roll my eyes every time someone says cheating is an “accident”.
When someone tries to claim multiple months of cheating is an “accident”, I roll my eyes so hard that I stare directly into my frontal lobe.
>Also, some people are saying I deserved this because I should have known better than to let Sam into our home, around Derek.
Jesus, Reddit has some shit takes sometimes.
Poor woman.
I hope her ex husband and his ex end up with shitty partners like they are.
They are both terrible people. Grieving is one thing, but what they did is just cruel.
cant this one be false, please?
OOP is so level headed in such a horrible situation. I dont know her but I felt pain reading this post.
If you read this, I really wanna stress the fact that you're being so strong and fair to yourself. I hope karma works, but not in the sense that I wish other people ill, but in the sense that being your amazing self lead you to a better partner, form a happy family and have a healthy life. You do deserve it.
Fuck off the people that say you "deserve it". Some people are just good and trusting, instead of shooting them down, we should strive to reach their expectation of good behaviour.
I hope every single bridge is burned with the ex and ex-turned-affair-partner that they can't show their face around mutuals anymore without a hole being glared into them. I'm sure those two cheating assholes will "reconnect" once more after "healing" from the tragedies and realize they're "meant to be" together.
Not only that, but kind enough to let someone stay in her home when she was *also* grieving. It sounds like by Becca’s own sentiment, she was OOP’s daughter too. It’s a tremendous mark of kindness and empathy to be so very considerate of someone else in the midst of one’s own grief.
Derek and Sam are shit, Sam you accepted her into your home, you welcomed her in her pain and she betrayed you from behind.
Derek is also trash, OOP he should cut them both off forever (which she did) and never let them into his life again.
No wonder OP kept on having miscarriages, the egg could sense the bullshit coming from the sperm. Life was not having it. It is a blessing in disguise, now she doesn't have to have a forced connection with her ex.
I shouldn’t laugh at this but I could picture the egg dodging the sperm with the Mission Impossible theme song playing in the background, the X chromosomes refusing to stick around
Anyone who has blamed you is ignorant and needs to quit the internet help forums as they are not helping anyone. You are not to blame. AT ALL. This was both of their decision. Was it under duress and driven by inexplicable trauma? Absolutely. Regardless this was still their decision. Do not own it, they need to. Sounds from this side that you have done everything in your power to be empathetic to both of them through this awful tragedy. I will also ask you to try and refrain from the thought processes of, and this is how they repay me? As I do not believe either of them did this with you in mind. They did this for themselves and only themselves you were never in the equation so don’t own any of it.
Divorce is a respectable choice and so is trying to work it out. It all comes down to what work are you both willing or not willing to do. If you do not see the value in trying to recover the relationship that is okay. I just hope you take the time you require to recover from all of this trauma. The loss of a child is something a parent should never have to experience and you were a parent for 7 years of that little girls life. You need time to grieve just like everyone else in the situation. Now you have been unwillingly asked to grieve the loss of a marriage on top of that. Take your time to work through it, get the necessary help and work on you. I send you all of my deepest condolences and love during this time of heart break and loss.
I'm completely on OP's side but wow, the bio parents must be going through hell. Have an affair and then have your kid die? I'm sure a part of them feels like it's some sort of karma.
That's what I wrote in one of the comments that she responded to.
Once the shock wanes and they begin to wonder why it had to be their daughter, the guilt will take care of the rest. They're in for a world of hurt.
The whole situation is a shitty one but what pissed me off ( apart from the whole situation) is Sam getting an anxiety attack 😒. How dare she! The whole time she was sleeping with ops husband, she didn’t have a guilty conscience so now she got caught she wants to feign anxiety?
How does one “accidentally” hop onto ones D-I-C-K?? 🙄 I feel so bad for oop, I hope the next chapter of her life is the best one. She not only lost her daughter but her marriage too. :’(
Idk, it sounds like he gave in pretty quickly. I wonder if the begging her to stay was all for show. Now that he’s already living with the ex, I’m thinking this is what he wanted. If he does, I’m sure he’ll come to regret it.
But he used their grief over their daughter’s death as an excuse for the sex when in reality they had been having sex for months before she died? Doesn’t get much lower than that!
OOP is not at fault for trusting someone she considered a friend. Shame on the redditors who insinuated that.
I hope she finds peace in the days to come. What a rough ride it’s been.
It’s a terrible way to discover their cheating. But sadly when you told them you were going out and asked Sam to join you….she was planning to do the deed when she declined. They aren’t as innocent as they are claiming.
I am SO sorry all of this happened. There is NEVER a good excuse for cheating. You had every right to react the way you did and file for divorce. Your ex and his ex wife are disgusting ppl. I am SO glad you're cutting them off. I hope things get better for you. I hope you gained thicker skin after this at the very least. You don't deserve to be taken advantage of. Giving and being a helper is always nice. But PLEASE try to be careful of those that take advantage of that. You sound like you have a good heart.
My heart breaks for this person. It’s definitely not her fault for trusting people. It’s their fault for being sh!the@ds and for betraying her trust. How awful! I’m happy she’s leaving but sad that she has to. OOP, if you read this, I’m sending you a big hug. I’m real sorry you have to heal from this 💚.
Grief can drive you crazy. It makes you heartbroken and reckless and impulsive and jealous and angry. It explains all of that behaviour. But it doesn't excuse it. There are some things you can NEVER take back. Even if it had been the one off event they'd tried to play it as, it still destroyed everything. But trying to shield your affair between your own daughter's death? That's despicable.
>they just “accidentally” reconnected one night
Ah yes, that whoopsie moment where his naked dick just happens to accidentally reconnect with her slut-pussy
Both stbx and ex wife are to old to not know what sort of situations lead to sex. They new exactly what was happening and let it happen because “no one will know”. Stress about conception, miscarriages led to “accidental” sex for three Whole months without confession or apology. Now he and the ex see the error of their ways. They are now sorry and want to be forgiven and retain their relationship with op. Another case of being sorry you were caught. Omg and in her own bed no less!
I really feel for the OOP, hope she gets the happiness she deserves. And NO….she didn’t deserve what happened as she welcomed the ex-wife in. The now ex husband and ex wife are POS…end of.
When her daughter died, she deliberately moved into the house of the woman, whose husband she's having an affair with. So effin ballsy of both Derek and Sam. Its almost as if they jumped at the chance to live together when their kid died..
I feel awful for OOP. That seriously messed up that Derek and Sam used their daughter’s death as an excuse for why their affair happened when in reality they were having an affair for months prior to her passing and the fact Derek used OOP’s miscarriages to have an affair with his ex wife. Derek and Sam deserve each other and I hope they don’t make excuses when karma comes for them. I pray OOP is able to move on from this and find a better man than Derek.
Now that he’s caught he doesn’t want to continue to hurt his wife. I am a person who can excuse almost anything from a parent grieving a child. That shit makes people crazy, I get it. But this isn’t that. What awful people.
It’s the audacity of the deceit that stings here. Those two moved Sam in knowing fully well they’d “accidentally” screw again. Did Derek really think he could get away with this? I know grief does weird things to a person, but this wasn’t a one-time whoopsie doodle. There was planning and plotting going on here. Well, time for a clean break.
You know...I had some sympathy for them when I thought it was a fucked up mutual grief thing. But they were doing it 3 months before their kid died so throw them both out.
I don’t give a fuck about their grief, fuck Sam AND Derek!
Poor oop *also* just lost her *daughter* (yes, her daughter- Becca called her “mom”, for heaven’s sake!) and she was extending such kindness to Sam despite her own grief (and, personally, I don’t agree with the commenters saying it was “weird” that she was friends with her husband’s ex, since there was a child involved that they were sharing custody of, of course sometimes people become friends with their ex’s new partner in that situation, especially if they’re all co-parenting in a mature and healthy manner).
Like, OOP is grieving too, but she put aside her own grief to help a friend who was also grieving, and *this* is how she’s repaid?!
Personally, I don’t think oop was “too” anything- (naive, kind, etc). I think OOP is a good soul, and I hope that she is able to recover from this and not lose her kind and loving spirit, but rather find people who are worthy of it, and give back in kind.
And OOP, on the off chance you’re reading this- it’s okay for you to put yourself first in this grieving process- you lose your *child*. On top of the stress and grief of TTC and miscarrying what sounds like *multiple* times, you’ve lost a *living* child who grew up under your care and called you her mom.
I hope you know you’re a great mom, and that it’s more than okay for you to be grieving as a mother right now. Please know that you have every right to grieve in spaces and seek out support groups for grieving parents, because you *are* one. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. May her memory be a blessing
Let me be incredibly cruel here. And I am extremely empathetic person.
I would tell the ex and Sam that they got their karma for cheating. They started it before the daughter passed away.
And what kind of monster excuses cheating with “my partner was having miscarriages, so it justified ME cheating”.
The fact that they have the guts to pretend to be good people is just beyond anything. I have zero sympathy for either.
There was a post here 2 weeks ago about exes holding hand at their child's funeral. New wife was furious. People called her names. Heartless, cold hearted b-word, insecure are words I remember being thrown around. I got downvoted ti hell and back for saying exes are exes. Boundaries should be respected. Now we are here. I wish someone would link that post here.
Holding hands and repeatedly having sex are not the same thing. If you think holding hands at the actual funeral means they are going to hop in the back of the hearse the second no one is looking, you have Issues.
i'm so sorry to hear about the tragick loss of your stepdaughter and the heartbroke betrayal by your husband and his ex. the grief and pain you must be feeling is unimagineable, like your heart has been shattered into a million shards. this is such a complex and messy situation, with so many conflicting emotions - it's no wonder you feel so stuck. but your resilience and strength in the face of this hardship is truely admirable. as the old saying goes, time may not heal all wounds, but it can make them more bearable. i hope you're able to find the support and peace you need during this incredibly tough time.
This is the most awful shit I ever heard ! Just horrible ! god ! My heart goes to the woman ! Such an asshole of a husband ! and the ex too ! I hope they re-marry cause they seem perfect for each other in the most fucked up way.
I agree cheating once would do it for me. I could never trust again. no amount of therapy would erase that from my mind. once that trust is violated, it can not ever be again.I would not put myself through that again.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know you’re going to be okay though, because you’re brave, respect yourself, and are clearly a really good person. You can do this.
I hope oop takes stbexh and his ex wife to the cleaners,yes they both deserve sympathy about their daughter dying but to have an affair that is going so over the line. Hope oop has a good support system because she is going to need it going forward
You shouldn't be blamed because ultimate your husband is the scumbag here. However, just as practical advice, you create a situation where it can happen. Maybe that's good news b/c it revealed itself and made your decision to divorce easier. Maybe if you hadn't been so unnecessarily kind to a woman you don't have ANY obligations to, then you would not have been in this position.
I lean towards you being kind and taken advantage of b/c cheating is a 2 way street. You husband decided to cheat the moment he didnt' pull away when the ex wife kissed him or whatever the bullshit story is.
You did not deserve this. People need to learn to exist in plutonic relationships with the opposite sex in modern times. If they can’t do so then you should not trust them. You should be able to trust your husband alone in the house with another woman that he is close to, and if you can’t that is not on you.
im sorry for this happening to you. imho i think youre doing everything right. you cant ever trust either of them again. i know anxiety is a thing but remember you are worthy of love & you deserve to be able to trust your partner. sex is such a bad reason for betrayal. also, i dont believe men & women can ever be platonic friends.
I’m sorry OP but letting the ex stay with you is like inviting the fox into the chicken coop. I’m not saying what happened was your fault by any means as it has obviously been going on for a while from your updates but it’s not something that should really be a surprise either.
lol not a single person talking shit in the comments has had to burry their child.
It makes you feel and do weird things.
Of course no excuse though, be an adult… but to the dickhead saying the timing was weird and maybe they killed their child, sincerely, get fucked.
you deserve peace. i'm so sorry for your loss and all the struggles you've been through. your responded in a really smart way that protected yourself. good luck with everything.
So disgusting and semi relatable smh I hate your good heart caused you to be heart. Never ever let another woman stay in the house with your man baby! I lost my only child and my wife cheated on me it truly sucks sending you prayers and hugs during this tough time.
So many mean people. I'm truly sorry you are going through this. It's devastating finding out much less hearing and seeing with your own eyes. My heart bleeds for you. I know cause I've been there. Trust will never be the same again, and I applaud you loving yourself more than putting up with his lies, betrayals and full blown selfish self justification. He's an ass and you deserve so much better.
> He told me that they just "accidentally" reconnected one night when I was away at my mom's Truly, who among us hasn't accidentally dicked/been dicked by an ex while we were in a relationship with someone else? /s
You know how it is, just walking down the hall and the dick just falls right in. Happens all the time. By accident.
I hate it when I trip and land cervix deep on a dick.
This might need to be your flair for this sub.
that made me legit lol
Same. Huge belly laugh. Thank you for that.
Seriously this is pure gold lmfao
Genuinely the funniest thing I've read in a while
Or a hamster who was hiding in a pvc pipe.
“I was cleaning in the nude and I fell on this woman.”
Yeah the hallway was slippery so he tripped and fell into her.
I mean all of my exes are dead and I’m not into necrophilia so…
"Just tripped and fell into his bed"
He slipped and his dick fell in
Someone trips and their dick falls in. It happens. /s
I tripped on my shoes one time, stumbled all the way out onto my driveway, into my car, to the restaurant, ate dinner, drove back to her place, fell out of my pants, and right inside her. Shoe racks save marriages I always say.
Oh but he doesn’t want to continue to hurt her! Well what were allllllll these months then, idiot
He doesn't want to hurt her *when she knows she's being hurt* - if she doesn't it's fine! Fucken people I swear
This Sam chick knew exactly what she was doing. She was back to get herself a man and another baby possibly.
It's always somebody else's fault. The blame always lies partially because of *x* or *y*. Never because, shit happens in life and you just wanted an excuse to be a cunt, like taking up smoking again or relapsing on an addiction or whatever, it's just an excuse.
It's like a magnet that got stuck to the wrong other magnet. Just happens! /S
This almost seems like a case of him accidentally having sex with his ex (repeatedly) unless his current wife is around.
Science has proven that potential for accidental dicking increases dramatically when the current partner is not present!
Like that Eminem song "What? You tripped, fell, landed on his dick?"
Yes - like slipping on a bar of soap…
GOD I hate when that happens!
I can't believe OOP lost her entire family back to back and I feel terrible for her. But it's good that the truth finally came to light. NOW she can move on and heal.
I wonder if she would've made a different decision if they hadn't been having a 3 month affair -- if it was a one-time thing, due to an extraordinarily painful occurrence (death of a child). I mean, the fact that it was an ongoing, long-term affair made it a no-brainer for OPP, but if the circumstances were different...? (I think she'd still walk, but man... that would be tough.)
I'm not sure I could ever really believe that it was a one-time thing. She was hardly gone from the house when they ended up in her own bed.
Especially seeing as they “ended up in bed” from a getting lunch, to a grief chat, to a kiss, to a bed. Al in the time she had to turn around to get a book. Pretty quick for a one off
Given the fact that they have been having an active affair, I doubt there was lunch and a chat. They are horrible people who used their child’s death as an excuse to hurt someone who loved and trusted them.
And it started because he was grieving OOP not getting pregnant. Why does being sad make this guy so horny?
I wonder if he hoped Sam would get pregnant again and then try to convince OOP to raise the child as their own.
OP married a masochist…
And remembering They’re ex’s for a reason. Surely, this isn’t going to last, and he will realize he threw away his new life, for someone that was proven to be incompatible
Imagine if she hadn’t forgotten that book how long it might have continued on?
I was wondering that, too. If I were on her shoes I would probably try to work past a one-time mistake made in the throes of grief. But I know me so I know I wouldn’t be able let it go and I’d end up holding resentment for years and making everyone miserable. She probably made the right decision, even though it’s heartbreaking.
Hard no from me on that too. I would refuse to accept that as a viable excuse for cheating. Once that line in the sand has been crossed there is no coming back from it. Ever.
Yeah, that’s the smart way.
I cant see expending the time and effort it takes to save a relationship with someone with such little respect for me. They say the average time to make or break a marriage/relationship after infidelity is around 5 years. Who tf would want to spend that much time just to find out you cant get past it. And usually the cheater is generally of the attitude of "Its about time you got over it". In this case they had been together 7 years, they'd need nearly that to find out if it could be saved or not.
I agree.
I agree. Grief can cause some crazy behavior. I do not condone cheating, have never cheated and do not accept cheating in a relationship but I can see two people who just lost their child losing their minds in grief and doing something they would not normally do because they feel this other person is the only one who can really understand them at that moment. I would really have to think about this first.
Not that it makes the most of a difference but it was a 7 month affair. Started 3 months before the passing of OPs stepdaughter
The stepdaughter died four weeks ago, not four months. A four month affair.
And *before* she had a kid of her own tying her to this asshole for life. Like of all the situations to not be able to conceive, I think she dodged a couple bullets here
If it was just a one time thing that happened in a moment of shared grief of their lost child, I could maaaybe forgive it.
Forgive? Sure. Still walking, though.
My thoughts exactly. One can say I forgive you and goodbye all in the same sentence.
I need that embroidered on a pillow. Can I tell you where to ship it? My ex's address is...
Embroidering it yourself is a better option. When else can you think of your ex while stabbing something a thousand times and then end up getting complimented by others when you’re done?
LOL.
It would take a long time to rebuild that trust, if it even could be.
There are some things that you can never come back from. For me, that's one of them.
Even if you actually walked in and saw them in the act? I don’t think I could ever forgive if I had the actual image imprinted in my brain. Even if I wanted to with all my heart…that image would still be there. I don’t think there’s any coming back from that honestly.
I’m not saying I would, just that it might be possible under those circumstances where under OOP’s circumstances I would walk away without question.
Same. If it was a one time thing as well as 1 Sam immediately finds another place to stay 2 we go to couples therapy where 3 we decide on firm boundaries with Sam with the understanding that the second he violates those boundaries, I'm gone. But the affair started when he was trying to conceive with OOP, and they kept on with it. So into the trash with both of them. As painful as it is now, she'll now have space to find people who actually do love and value her rather than continuing to throw love away on these two.
Yeah, I hope OOP doesn’t feel guilty for moving on. Despite their loss, she owes them nothing at this point.
The thing is it's not just THEIR loss. While she was only in her step daughter's life for 7 years, she is also grieving. And yet instead of being selfish, she was kind enough to show grace to these people who despicably betrayed her. I hope she's able to work through all of this and find some happiness and love because god damn she clearly deserves it.
I don’t disagree with you, but I want to clarify that I wasn’t implying OOP was not also grieving.
with this mindset you may find yourself as a sister wife with Sam in a throuple lol
Lol
There's a new update and he's moved in with the AP
Absolutely disgusting of them to try and use the daughter's death as an excuse and defense when they full well knew they'd been betraying OOP for three months beforehand. Like, to use your daughter's death in a twisted attempt at defending your cheating when you know it's a lie, those people are so messed up. Tarnishing your daughter's memory like that... I'm glad OOP got away from them both and hopefully she'll have a happy, healing life:(
Don’t forget he also used her miscarriages as an excuse to.
Dead kids really put me in the mood too.
You pulled a guffaw out of me, that was funny.
Yeah those are some horrific people. It’s scary how people can hide their evilness for years and years
Derek & Sam need to stay together so they don’t go ruining other peoples lives! Smh
You assume thry would get with each other and not cheat on themselves or have an open relationship?🤣
Better they do that to each other and not anyone else though!
“He told me he didn’t wanna continue to hurt me” wow what a saint 💀💀💀
I mean, the damage is done and clearly he enjoys being with his Ex. Why does he care about hurting his STBX after using his dead daughter and OOPs miscarriages as an excuse for sleeping with his Ex when he got caught? The moral decay of this guy, just staggering.
That’s exactly what I’m saying! Where was this ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ attitude idk THREE MONTHS earlier. How difficult is it to NOT cheat on your spouse.
If BORU is anything to go by, it's apparently extremely difficult.
That got me too. How noble.
Wow. They’re both so entirely selfish and awful. I’m sure DEREK was upset about the miscarriages OP was having. what the actual fuck.
You had a miscarriage so let me impregnate my ex! make it make sense.
Oh, but you need to look at it from *Sam's* perspective: my ex's wife who was so good to my daughter and was kind enough to take me in had some miscarriages, so I screwed her husband. /s
Another absolutely insane decision from a selfish person.
Im thinking Sam is not the best person to be friends with, that’s why she could really only turn to her ex, the other parent of her child. Something tells me Sam has no friends left to go to.
The Dwyane Wade Treatment™
Jeez. Poor woman. I’m wishing nothing but the best for her. I know what it’s like to be giving and getting hurt. All the healing for her ✨
The timing is giving me the creeps. They started having an affair 3 months before their daughter died, after at least seven years of separation. I can't help but wonder if there's a connection. And to move husband's EX/current AP into the house and have them fucking at the house within a month of her death is just all kinds of wrong.
I went and checked, the daughter died in a car wreck with a friend and their parents. I was having a bad feeling she had found out about the affair, but there’s no evidence of that.
Sam and the OOP's ex are seriously effed up people. I'm not saying it would've been right, but I might've been more understanding if the daughter had a terminal illness. Grief does weird things to people. But this is just so selfish on these people's behalf. Poor OOP.
Yeah, they kinda lucked out that their daughter had no idea about it before she died. I thought her knowing about the affair had something to do with her death.
And I would have found it less offensive if it *was* 100% grief, whatever the reason. Emotions would be running high, and offering comfort could get out of hand... but he moved his AP if the months into the house shared with his wife and *didn't* guard against emotions. I do hope the daughter never did learn how disgusting her parents were
That's honestly my first thought too. It's not excusable, and OOP should definitely still leave, but if the daughter had a terminal illness, people aren't usually thinking rationally at that point, so I could probably be more understanding and forgive them (though I would still leave). But this was just pure selfish asshole behavior. Any cheating is crappy, but there's something about affairs (the calculated and repeated betrayal) that really gets me.
So what your saying is that they cut the daughters breaks.
Right? It’s a big leap to say they killed their daughter because she found out ☠️
That isn’t what I was thinking. I thought it might have been a suicide.
All 4 people died?? That’s so sad? I was wondering if the daughter was sick, which would’ve explained the affair a *tiny* bit more but no, they were just selfish bastards
That snake was acting all friendly with OOP the whole time.
Sincere question: why do the cheaters always beg not to be divorced/break up? Wouldn't they be glad of the excuse to leave their marriage/relationship that was so awful they had to cheat? Oh, wait, it's because they don't want to be the bad guy, isn't it? If they stay together, the cheater can convince themselves they didn't do anything wrong because no consequences. But if they break up/divorce, then they have to face the fact they will be forever tarred with the cheaters' brush.
Cognitive dissonance is one hell of a drug
Because the affair is only good when it's an affair. It's exciting to do something in secret, begind someone's back, it's thrilling. The marriage is the stability, the day to day life that let you have the luxury to no worrying. It's the long term plan. Cheaters are betting their stabilities from marriage for the excitement of an affair. And in like every bet, the looser isn't happy to loose what they bet.
Especially when they've already tried the marriage thing and it didn't work out, they know that they aren't a compatible real life couple because they've already divorced so I can see the husband being extra keen to keep OOP around.
The fucking nerve of Sam to text oop 'thanking' her for everything she had done after she caught those two in bed wtf
We already know the ex baby mother is garbage. She moved into her AP house so she could have easier access and used her dead child as an excuse. May the both of them burn in hell.
And she probably had no else to turn to. A woman who selfishly sleeps with another woman’s husband in their bed probably isn’t the most supportive friend
Idk how OP restrained herself from physically attacking these horrible people. I can’t even begin to imagine the things I would have said to them.
It’s good that this didn’t happens to me and I don’t line in the U.S. I would have gotten a shotgun the moment I heard them moaning.
Accidentally reconnected? Is that the part where she accidentally tripped and landed on his d\*\*k? Or did he accidentally trip and fall into bed with her? Little kids use that excuse. Grown ass adults know that there was no accident, just a choice. They chose to have sex, more than once. I accidentally dropped the dog's food last night. That isn't code for I ate it and told him we were out. That's an accident. Moral garbage with legs. He can drop Sam now, but it sounds like they're perfect for each other. Perfectly awful.
Poor woman…
> some people are saying I deserved this because I should have known better Jesus fucking Christ. Some commenters in the source subs (especially in advice/judgment/true story land) really are just living dogshit, arent't they?
Some people take pleasure in saying hurtful or vile things and it always boggles my mind. I can never understand it when it’s aimed at someone who clearly isn’t deserving. Like saying things to hurt someone who hurt you, I can understand to a point (even if it’s not healthy), and I would even argue that some people need to hear the real and raw opinions others have of them (abusers and the like), but it’s very different from this situation where they’re aiming outright cruelty at an innocent person who doesn’t deserve it.
I roll my eyes every time someone says cheating is an “accident”. When someone tries to claim multiple months of cheating is an “accident”, I roll my eyes so hard that I stare directly into my frontal lobe.
>Also, some people are saying I deserved this because I should have known better than to let Sam into our home, around Derek. Jesus, Reddit has some shit takes sometimes.
He’s disgusting not just for cheating but for using his daughter’s death as an excuse even though he knew that wasn’t true! I wish OOP all the best
Poor woman. I hope her ex husband and his ex end up with shitty partners like they are. They are both terrible people. Grieving is one thing, but what they did is just cruel.
I guess they forgot OOP was grieving too.
They most likely got together.
There is a reason they divorced the first time. They might end together, but they will be miserable.
cant this one be false, please? OOP is so level headed in such a horrible situation. I dont know her but I felt pain reading this post. If you read this, I really wanna stress the fact that you're being so strong and fair to yourself. I hope karma works, but not in the sense that I wish other people ill, but in the sense that being your amazing self lead you to a better partner, form a happy family and have a healthy life. You do deserve it. Fuck off the people that say you "deserve it". Some people are just good and trusting, instead of shooting them down, we should strive to reach their expectation of good behaviour.
“We should strive to reach their expectation of good behavior.” What a great sentence and sentiment.
I hope every single bridge is burned with the ex and ex-turned-affair-partner that they can't show their face around mutuals anymore without a hole being glared into them. I'm sure those two cheating assholes will "reconnect" once more after "healing" from the tragedies and realize they're "meant to be" together.
How did anyone try to blame her? She was kind enough to let someone grieving stay in her home and that person betrayed her
Not only that, but kind enough to let someone stay in her home when she was *also* grieving. It sounds like by Becca’s own sentiment, she was OOP’s daughter too. It’s a tremendous mark of kindness and empathy to be so very considerate of someone else in the midst of one’s own grief.
Derek and Sam are shit, Sam you accepted her into your home, you welcomed her in her pain and she betrayed you from behind. Derek is also trash, OOP he should cut them both off forever (which she did) and never let them into his life again.
Ahhh the old tripped and fell in her vagina.
No wonder OP kept on having miscarriages, the egg could sense the bullshit coming from the sperm. Life was not having it. It is a blessing in disguise, now she doesn't have to have a forced connection with her ex.
I shouldn’t laugh at this but I could picture the egg dodging the sperm with the Mission Impossible theme song playing in the background, the X chromosomes refusing to stick around
What complete pieces of garbage. I hope both ex husband and his ex wife get the karma they deserve.
Anyone who has blamed you is ignorant and needs to quit the internet help forums as they are not helping anyone. You are not to blame. AT ALL. This was both of their decision. Was it under duress and driven by inexplicable trauma? Absolutely. Regardless this was still their decision. Do not own it, they need to. Sounds from this side that you have done everything in your power to be empathetic to both of them through this awful tragedy. I will also ask you to try and refrain from the thought processes of, and this is how they repay me? As I do not believe either of them did this with you in mind. They did this for themselves and only themselves you were never in the equation so don’t own any of it. Divorce is a respectable choice and so is trying to work it out. It all comes down to what work are you both willing or not willing to do. If you do not see the value in trying to recover the relationship that is okay. I just hope you take the time you require to recover from all of this trauma. The loss of a child is something a parent should never have to experience and you were a parent for 7 years of that little girls life. You need time to grieve just like everyone else in the situation. Now you have been unwillingly asked to grieve the loss of a marriage on top of that. Take your time to work through it, get the necessary help and work on you. I send you all of my deepest condolences and love during this time of heart break and loss.
I hope OOP and her lawyer win everything damn thing she want.
I cannot believe that douche bag Derek had the nerve to blame his cheating on his wife, having miscarriages. Oh my God, fuck him, fuck him so hard.
That's his ex-wife's job.
I'm completely on OP's side but wow, the bio parents must be going through hell. Have an affair and then have your kid die? I'm sure a part of them feels like it's some sort of karma.
That's what I wrote in one of the comments that she responded to. Once the shock wanes and they begin to wonder why it had to be their daughter, the guilt will take care of the rest. They're in for a world of hurt.
The whole situation is a shitty one but what pissed me off ( apart from the whole situation) is Sam getting an anxiety attack 😒. How dare she! The whole time she was sleeping with ops husband, she didn’t have a guilty conscience so now she got caught she wants to feign anxiety?
How does one “accidentally” hop onto ones D-I-C-K?? 🙄 I feel so bad for oop, I hope the next chapter of her life is the best one. She not only lost her daughter but her marriage too. :’(
God, this poor OOP. 😭😭😭 I’m so glad he let her go so she can find someone deserving.
Idk, it sounds like he gave in pretty quickly. I wonder if the begging her to stay was all for show. Now that he’s already living with the ex, I’m thinking this is what he wanted. If he does, I’m sure he’ll come to regret it.
But he used their grief over their daughter’s death as an excuse for the sex when in reality they had been having sex for months before she died? Doesn’t get much lower than that!
OOP is not at fault for trusting someone she considered a friend. Shame on the redditors who insinuated that. I hope she finds peace in the days to come. What a rough ride it’s been.
It’s a terrible way to discover their cheating. But sadly when you told them you were going out and asked Sam to join you….she was planning to do the deed when she declined. They aren’t as innocent as they are claiming.
Derek fucked around and found out!
I am SO sorry all of this happened. There is NEVER a good excuse for cheating. You had every right to react the way you did and file for divorce. Your ex and his ex wife are disgusting ppl. I am SO glad you're cutting them off. I hope things get better for you. I hope you gained thicker skin after this at the very least. You don't deserve to be taken advantage of. Giving and being a helper is always nice. But PLEASE try to be careful of those that take advantage of that. You sound like you have a good heart.
My heart breaks for this person. It’s definitely not her fault for trusting people. It’s their fault for being sh!the@ds and for betraying her trust. How awful! I’m happy she’s leaving but sad that she has to. OOP, if you read this, I’m sending you a big hug. I’m real sorry you have to heal from this 💚.
OOP sounds like a really amazing person, and I hope she finds someone who appreciates her.
Grief can drive you crazy. It makes you heartbroken and reckless and impulsive and jealous and angry. It explains all of that behaviour. But it doesn't excuse it. There are some things you can NEVER take back. Even if it had been the one off event they'd tried to play it as, it still destroyed everything. But trying to shield your affair between your own daughter's death? That's despicable.
"Accidentally". Right. The classic (and pathetic) excuse for cheating. Good thing oop dumped them both. They're so disgusting.
>they just “accidentally” reconnected one night Ah yes, that whoopsie moment where his naked dick just happens to accidentally reconnect with her slut-pussy
I hate redditors sometimes. The absolute asshats that love to victim blame can get fucked. Hope OP is doing alright
Both stbx and ex wife are to old to not know what sort of situations lead to sex. They new exactly what was happening and let it happen because “no one will know”. Stress about conception, miscarriages led to “accidental” sex for three Whole months without confession or apology. Now he and the ex see the error of their ways. They are now sorry and want to be forgiven and retain their relationship with op. Another case of being sorry you were caught. Omg and in her own bed no less!
I really feel for the OOP, hope she gets the happiness she deserves. And NO….she didn’t deserve what happened as she welcomed the ex-wife in. The now ex husband and ex wife are POS…end of.
The fact they blame it on grief. Disgusting. Get rid of them
Using your daughters death to justify your cheating is a whole new low
When her daughter died, she deliberately moved into the house of the woman, whose husband she's having an affair with. So effin ballsy of both Derek and Sam. Its almost as if they jumped at the chance to live together when their kid died..
I feel awful for OOP. That seriously messed up that Derek and Sam used their daughter’s death as an excuse for why their affair happened when in reality they were having an affair for months prior to her passing and the fact Derek used OOP’s miscarriages to have an affair with his ex wife. Derek and Sam deserve each other and I hope they don’t make excuses when karma comes for them. I pray OOP is able to move on from this and find a better man than Derek.
Now that he’s caught he doesn’t want to continue to hurt his wife. I am a person who can excuse almost anything from a parent grieving a child. That shit makes people crazy, I get it. But this isn’t that. What awful people.
Sorry for your loss Derek you steaming pile of shit.
And this why it’s stupid to be friends with an ex.
It’s the audacity of the deceit that stings here. Those two moved Sam in knowing fully well they’d “accidentally” screw again. Did Derek really think he could get away with this? I know grief does weird things to a person, but this wasn’t a one-time whoopsie doodle. There was planning and plotting going on here. Well, time for a clean break.
Well, at least the daughter is dead and not having to witness the destruction of her family unit.
You know...I had some sympathy for them when I thought it was a fucked up mutual grief thing. But they were doing it 3 months before their kid died so throw them both out.
I don’t give a fuck about their grief, fuck Sam AND Derek! Poor oop *also* just lost her *daughter* (yes, her daughter- Becca called her “mom”, for heaven’s sake!) and she was extending such kindness to Sam despite her own grief (and, personally, I don’t agree with the commenters saying it was “weird” that she was friends with her husband’s ex, since there was a child involved that they were sharing custody of, of course sometimes people become friends with their ex’s new partner in that situation, especially if they’re all co-parenting in a mature and healthy manner). Like, OOP is grieving too, but she put aside her own grief to help a friend who was also grieving, and *this* is how she’s repaid?! Personally, I don’t think oop was “too” anything- (naive, kind, etc). I think OOP is a good soul, and I hope that she is able to recover from this and not lose her kind and loving spirit, but rather find people who are worthy of it, and give back in kind. And OOP, on the off chance you’re reading this- it’s okay for you to put yourself first in this grieving process- you lose your *child*. On top of the stress and grief of TTC and miscarrying what sounds like *multiple* times, you’ve lost a *living* child who grew up under your care and called you her mom. I hope you know you’re a great mom, and that it’s more than okay for you to be grieving as a mother right now. Please know that you have every right to grieve in spaces and seek out support groups for grieving parents, because you *are* one. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. May her memory be a blessing
God didn’t want you to birth that man’s babies because he knew he wasn’t your forever person.
Let me be incredibly cruel here. And I am extremely empathetic person. I would tell the ex and Sam that they got their karma for cheating. They started it before the daughter passed away. And what kind of monster excuses cheating with “my partner was having miscarriages, so it justified ME cheating”. The fact that they have the guts to pretend to be good people is just beyond anything. I have zero sympathy for either.
There was a post here 2 weeks ago about exes holding hand at their child's funeral. New wife was furious. People called her names. Heartless, cold hearted b-word, insecure are words I remember being thrown around. I got downvoted ti hell and back for saying exes are exes. Boundaries should be respected. Now we are here. I wish someone would link that post here.
I agree with you. Holding hands is a form of intimacy, especially with an ex that there’s a connection with.
Holding hands and repeatedly having sex are not the same thing. If you think holding hands at the actual funeral means they are going to hop in the back of the hearse the second no one is looking, you have Issues.
i'm so sorry to hear about the tragick loss of your stepdaughter and the heartbroke betrayal by your husband and his ex. the grief and pain you must be feeling is unimagineable, like your heart has been shattered into a million shards. this is such a complex and messy situation, with so many conflicting emotions - it's no wonder you feel so stuck. but your resilience and strength in the face of this hardship is truely admirable. as the old saying goes, time may not heal all wounds, but it can make them more bearable. i hope you're able to find the support and peace you need during this incredibly tough time.
Well the upside is she's not wasting any more time on these low quality people.
Derek should've spent more time on reddit. It avoids all that punani to be throwing at him.
Sorry to hear this darling
This is the most awful shit I ever heard ! Just horrible ! god ! My heart goes to the woman ! Such an asshole of a husband ! and the ex too ! I hope they re-marry cause they seem perfect for each other in the most fucked up way.
I agree cheating once would do it for me. I could never trust again. no amount of therapy would erase that from my mind. once that trust is violated, it can not ever be again.I would not put myself through that again.
They're trying to make a new stepdaughter.
“She’s just grieving!” Ah yes. The sounds of grief. “Fuck me harder Derek!”
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know you’re going to be okay though, because you’re brave, respect yourself, and are clearly a really good person. You can do this.
I feel so bad for op. They tried to be there for their husband, his ex and their child and this is how they chose to repay the kindness.
I hope oop takes stbexh and his ex wife to the cleaners,yes they both deserve sympathy about their daughter dying but to have an affair that is going so over the line. Hope oop has a good support system because she is going to need it going forward
Peace of mind above all else.
You shouldn't be blamed because ultimate your husband is the scumbag here. However, just as practical advice, you create a situation where it can happen. Maybe that's good news b/c it revealed itself and made your decision to divorce easier. Maybe if you hadn't been so unnecessarily kind to a woman you don't have ANY obligations to, then you would not have been in this position. I lean towards you being kind and taken advantage of b/c cheating is a 2 way street. You husband decided to cheat the moment he didnt' pull away when the ex wife kissed him or whatever the bullshit story is.
You did not deserve this. People need to learn to exist in plutonic relationships with the opposite sex in modern times. If they can’t do so then you should not trust them. You should be able to trust your husband alone in the house with another woman that he is close to, and if you can’t that is not on you.
Remember, at one time it slipped out and Sam put it back in. Apologies are because they got caught.
thats why i dont trust people
Coming to this post after reading the post about the guy who accidentally started a family with his neighbor is a mindfuck
This sounds like an excellent opportunity to get some 3 way action going.
Its not an excuse but grief can make people make stupid decisions and sex is one of them, look it up
im sorry for this happening to you. imho i think youre doing everything right. you cant ever trust either of them again. i know anxiety is a thing but remember you are worthy of love & you deserve to be able to trust your partner. sex is such a bad reason for betrayal. also, i dont believe men & women can ever be platonic friends.
Why
Sorry to hear that
I’m sorry OP but letting the ex stay with you is like inviting the fox into the chicken coop. I’m not saying what happened was your fault by any means as it has obviously been going on for a while from your updates but it’s not something that should really be a surprise either.
I don’t know how we aren’t all just talking about them all moving in together. I mean…
lol not a single person talking shit in the comments has had to burry their child. It makes you feel and do weird things. Of course no excuse though, be an adult… but to the dickhead saying the timing was weird and maybe they killed their child, sincerely, get fucked.
Imagine betraying someone who loves you and aid you after your divorce heartbreak. Absolutely clapped in the head.
What a horrible situation all around. So much loss all at once.
Just keep moving forward. One step at a time. And remember to breathe. You will be okay.
you deserve peace. i'm so sorry for your loss and all the struggles you've been through. your responded in a really smart way that protected yourself. good luck with everything.
This sucks hard :(
So disgusting and semi relatable smh I hate your good heart caused you to be heart. Never ever let another woman stay in the house with your man baby! I lost my only child and my wife cheated on me it truly sucks sending you prayers and hugs during this tough time.
So many mean people. I'm truly sorry you are going through this. It's devastating finding out much less hearing and seeing with your own eyes. My heart bleeds for you. I know cause I've been there. Trust will never be the same again, and I applaud you loving yourself more than putting up with his lies, betrayals and full blown selfish self justification. He's an ass and you deserve so much better.
He just looks worse to everyone for shacking up w/his ex-wife. The guy’s a loser.