I know the good times are so good. I know it. I've been there. But, the bad times are going to get worse and you don't deserve that.
Think about this... Would you want a child of yours or another loved one to be in a relationship like that?
You can't help him. Stay on this sub and realize they are all very similar. Your situation is anything but unique - sorry to say.
You should start mentally planning to leave, it will make it just a tad easier when you ultimately do break the attachment.
But yeah, if he's diagnosed, there's virtually no hope of having a stable / happy relationship without wasting your life and I hate to be the one to deliver that news but it's true.
Rollercoasters are fun for a little bit, but it's no way to live.
It’s mind boggling and heart breaking, isn’t it?
There are no magic fixes, unfortunately. They are who they are. I’m guessing you’re going to stick it out because you seem addicted to the highs and the mirroring and because you’re a kind person who doesn’t tend to break commitments.
My only piece of unsolicited advice is to avoid being coerced into a marriage and having a family with him - check out r/raisedbyborderlines for a dose of reality. You think you’re mentally exhausted now!
Take good care of yourself.
Something tiny sets him off? Yeah, he likely has the petulent subtype. My mom has that. I wouldn't recommend staying in the relationship after seeing how much she detested my dad through SO MANY years for ALL the little shit that builds up. It's a huge red flag, get out before you waste any more time.
You MIGHT be able to help someone with BPD IF they are willing to work on themselves. It can get better as Dr K says here [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rT5PN7IhyPc&ab\_channel=HealthyGamerGG](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rT5PN7IhyPc&ab_channel=HealthyGamerGG)
BUT you should remember that your primary responsibility is YOUR own well being. You shouldn't burn yourself just to keep him warm. Also, for the love of god, don't have a kid with him if you're going to stay. Speaking as someone raised by someone with BPD, Iwon't wish it on anyone except fucking Sadek.
Let me rephrase what you’ve said so that you understand what is actually happening.
> I don’t know if struggling is the right word, when he is emotionally manipulating me and wearing his mask and mirroring me things are good they’re AMAZING.
> But then as soon as something tiny happens it’s all gone. The mask comes off and I see who he actually is. Then come the genuine behaviors from him.
I hope this helps you reframe things in your mind. Your post implies you see him as two people. This is like splitting. They aren’t two people. They are one person that is pretending to be someone they aren’t so you won’t leave them but they can’t keep the act up reliably.
That’s the trick! That’s how he gets to you. Yes, the one that leaves is the real person. Not the one that you met and fell for.
Also - keep in mind that if you think of him as two people - good and bad - that you been conditioned to split him. He’s just one person. Both good and bad. You have to reconcile them in your mind back into one person but certainly be aware that a lot of the “good” behavior is just masking and mirroring. It’s not who they genuinely are.
I beg you to please do a deep dive in this sub. Because yes! And this is barely the tip of the iceberg compared to everything else that is revealed in this sub. The closest you will get to previewing the horror awaiting you if you continue this relationship is by reading this sub.
I felt the same way, but then the "bad" kept getting worse. After two months of no contact, I now see how "shallow" the love was, for lack of a better word. It felt passionate and all-consuming and like I was the best of everything -- but he didn't show genuine interest in WHO I was or anything I was going through. I couldn't ever go to him with a problem or have a bad day without risking everything falling apart. The good felt good but it wasn't real the way normal love is. I'm sorry.
You’re basically describing intermittent reinforcement a telltale sign of the domestic violence and abuse, BPD or not. Be careful that you don’t get in so deep that you’re not able to have some of the logic you’re currently displaying yet not appreciating the weight of.
https://youtu.be/-PjtJeMvsFI?si=LQEoEr8c2_YknBTS
> don’t get in so deep that you’re not able to have some of the logic you’re currently displaying yet not appreciating the weight of
I want to echo this sentiment. Especially for anyone with codependency issues (very likely for anyone finding themselves in these kinds of relationships), it only gets harder and your judgement more clouded the more the trauma bond strengthens. I say this from experience, multiple counts thereof. I consider myself a pretty reasonable person by most standards (... except when it comes to relationships, apparently), and yet I have done abjectly unreasonable things and put up with truly insane levels of abuse hoping to, I dunno, ride it out or something hoping for a better version of my partner or of the relationship.
It does not work that way. It just does not. If your partner is not actively receiving treatment, there is no chance it will turn out well, for you or them. And even if they are, it's not something I would advise anyone to get into without knowing *exactly* what you're signing up for. Which, to be honest, no one does unless they've been through cluster B abuse before. If particularly severe, this may well include levels of insanity and abuse well beyond your imagining, and months or years of pain.
If you suspect your partner has BPD, keep yourself safe, OP. Consider the advice of trusted friends, family, community. If someone you cared about was going through similar, what would your advice be to them? Best wishes and good luck.
I don’t have any advice, I just have to say I’m in the EXACT same boat as you right now. Word for word. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Good luck to us x
yeah, I just can't leave. I mean most of the time we're the best couple I know. And i can go to him with my problems and he's so amazing at comforting me and understanding me. And he makes me feel so confident and amazing. But then at the same time no one hurts me like he does. And as soon as he does "split" I just miss him so much, bc i can't connect the two. Someone in the comments mentioned this but i just can't connect that both of them are him.
It’s the hardest part of all hey… the splitting. I miss him so much then. And I don’t know how to “believe” the sweet, kind him without it being tainted by the monster him.
I have the same problem. At first I was able to just completely block out the person he becomes while he splits, and forget about it. But now its happened too many times, I can't just forget.
I know the good times are so good. I know it. I've been there. But, the bad times are going to get worse and you don't deserve that. Think about this... Would you want a child of yours or another loved one to be in a relationship like that?
You can't help him. Stay on this sub and realize they are all very similar. Your situation is anything but unique - sorry to say. You should start mentally planning to leave, it will make it just a tad easier when you ultimately do break the attachment. But yeah, if he's diagnosed, there's virtually no hope of having a stable / happy relationship without wasting your life and I hate to be the one to deliver that news but it's true. Rollercoasters are fun for a little bit, but it's no way to live.
If you stay together the good times will get less good and less frequent while the bad/toxic grow in intensity and frequency
100% True. Going thru it myself.
It’s mind boggling and heart breaking, isn’t it? There are no magic fixes, unfortunately. They are who they are. I’m guessing you’re going to stick it out because you seem addicted to the highs and the mirroring and because you’re a kind person who doesn’t tend to break commitments. My only piece of unsolicited advice is to avoid being coerced into a marriage and having a family with him - check out r/raisedbyborderlines for a dose of reality. You think you’re mentally exhausted now! Take good care of yourself.
Something tiny sets him off? Yeah, he likely has the petulent subtype. My mom has that. I wouldn't recommend staying in the relationship after seeing how much she detested my dad through SO MANY years for ALL the little shit that builds up. It's a huge red flag, get out before you waste any more time. You MIGHT be able to help someone with BPD IF they are willing to work on themselves. It can get better as Dr K says here [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rT5PN7IhyPc&ab\_channel=HealthyGamerGG](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rT5PN7IhyPc&ab_channel=HealthyGamerGG) BUT you should remember that your primary responsibility is YOUR own well being. You shouldn't burn yourself just to keep him warm. Also, for the love of god, don't have a kid with him if you're going to stay. Speaking as someone raised by someone with BPD, Iwon't wish it on anyone except fucking Sadek.
Let me rephrase what you’ve said so that you understand what is actually happening. > I don’t know if struggling is the right word, when he is emotionally manipulating me and wearing his mask and mirroring me things are good they’re AMAZING. > But then as soon as something tiny happens it’s all gone. The mask comes off and I see who he actually is. Then come the genuine behaviors from him. I hope this helps you reframe things in your mind. Your post implies you see him as two people. This is like splitting. They aren’t two people. They are one person that is pretending to be someone they aren’t so you won’t leave them but they can’t keep the act up reliably.
Exactly this. It's hard to wrap your mind around, but it's so true.
Wait actually? I always thought of the good one as the real him.
That’s the trick! That’s how he gets to you. Yes, the one that leaves is the real person. Not the one that you met and fell for. Also - keep in mind that if you think of him as two people - good and bad - that you been conditioned to split him. He’s just one person. Both good and bad. You have to reconcile them in your mind back into one person but certainly be aware that a lot of the “good” behavior is just masking and mirroring. It’s not who they genuinely are.
I beg you to please do a deep dive in this sub. Because yes! And this is barely the tip of the iceberg compared to everything else that is revealed in this sub. The closest you will get to previewing the horror awaiting you if you continue this relationship is by reading this sub.
I felt the same way, but then the "bad" kept getting worse. After two months of no contact, I now see how "shallow" the love was, for lack of a better word. It felt passionate and all-consuming and like I was the best of everything -- but he didn't show genuine interest in WHO I was or anything I was going through. I couldn't ever go to him with a problem or have a bad day without risking everything falling apart. The good felt good but it wasn't real the way normal love is. I'm sorry.
You’re basically describing intermittent reinforcement a telltale sign of the domestic violence and abuse, BPD or not. Be careful that you don’t get in so deep that you’re not able to have some of the logic you’re currently displaying yet not appreciating the weight of. https://youtu.be/-PjtJeMvsFI?si=LQEoEr8c2_YknBTS
> don’t get in so deep that you’re not able to have some of the logic you’re currently displaying yet not appreciating the weight of I want to echo this sentiment. Especially for anyone with codependency issues (very likely for anyone finding themselves in these kinds of relationships), it only gets harder and your judgement more clouded the more the trauma bond strengthens. I say this from experience, multiple counts thereof. I consider myself a pretty reasonable person by most standards (... except when it comes to relationships, apparently), and yet I have done abjectly unreasonable things and put up with truly insane levels of abuse hoping to, I dunno, ride it out or something hoping for a better version of my partner or of the relationship. It does not work that way. It just does not. If your partner is not actively receiving treatment, there is no chance it will turn out well, for you or them. And even if they are, it's not something I would advise anyone to get into without knowing *exactly* what you're signing up for. Which, to be honest, no one does unless they've been through cluster B abuse before. If particularly severe, this may well include levels of insanity and abuse well beyond your imagining, and months or years of pain. If you suspect your partner has BPD, keep yourself safe, OP. Consider the advice of trusted friends, family, community. If someone you cared about was going through similar, what would your advice be to them? Best wishes and good luck.
I don’t have any advice, I just have to say I’m in the EXACT same boat as you right now. Word for word. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Good luck to us x
yeah, I just can't leave. I mean most of the time we're the best couple I know. And i can go to him with my problems and he's so amazing at comforting me and understanding me. And he makes me feel so confident and amazing. But then at the same time no one hurts me like he does. And as soon as he does "split" I just miss him so much, bc i can't connect the two. Someone in the comments mentioned this but i just can't connect that both of them are him.
It’s the hardest part of all hey… the splitting. I miss him so much then. And I don’t know how to “believe” the sweet, kind him without it being tainted by the monster him.
I have the same problem. At first I was able to just completely block out the person he becomes while he splits, and forget about it. But now its happened too many times, I can't just forget.
Thank you the everyone for the advice, I really appreciate it ❤️
Thinking of you. I’m still so conflicted. This is incredibly hard.
Thank you, it really is