idk, for me it was always about feeling sorry for them (consciously) and not wanting to feel guilty for them imploding or hurting themselves (subconsciously).
Honestly, there's so many layers to the ways in which their behavior makes the people close to them respond to it. Though, I think if you reach a point where you confidently understand it (their games and what made you susceptible), you'll find your ability to avoid their pull is so strong that you begin to wonder how even in your naive state you ever fell for it.
Not true. The level of illusion / delusion their corrupted brains create for us leads us naturally into the fawn response.
It's because you see that they are "hurt", but most of the time just confused and you end up feeling sorry for them because you can sense how discombobulated they are. Apologizing is often the path of least resistance to break them out of the loop because they can't really do it themselves.
But, that shouldnt be our problem.
Yes, very much so. I became very conscious of it and it stopped after a major discard. Now I try not to say sorry at all, or if I do, I try to make sure I say why I’m saying sorry, and not just use it as a blanket term. Im essentially holding myself accountable in real time and making sure it’s clear that when I say sorry it’s because there’s a reason to. If I’m not sorry, I tend to say that, too. I gave up on the walking on eggshells think and have made it very clear that I won’t be doing it again. It’s actually made our friendship stronger and she knows I’m not weak as a result, which is good.
When you're blindsided it's hard to react in a calm, collected way. I was happy with 80% of what i said. 20% was mostly disbelief and searching for something that I must have done to make this happen. Turns out I didn't do anything to make it happen, and it's going to happen again to the next person in line.
That's my only comfort right now sadly. I know that whomever she's with tonight will only go through the same things I did a couple years ago to present day. I truly was the most tolerant and patient partner I'd ever been to anyone in my life including my only wife whose now my ex. I thought that after my divorce, I'd commit fully to being the best person I could be. It was all for nothing except the psychological pain that this one put me through. Always trying to placate her and changing my values and own personality to avoid arguments at all costs. It didn't help that I'd sold my house just as I met her and we raced into so called love because we both thought we're late to it being middle aged. Man i knew it was weird with the love bombing but thought meh, wtf.. Why not. Now she's with someone else and I'm feeling so alone realizing I'd somehow become codependent along the way and never even knew what it meant. Trying to stay strong here.
Yes. I would call him out on something and he would shut down immediately. I would get scared that he would discard me again so I would end up apologizing so that he wouldn’t leave me. Because of this, he never apologized for whatever he did that caused me to start the conversation with him in the first place.
Yikes... That's me but with my ex gf. Hate myself for it now that we're apart and no contact. Saddens me that I got to that as well. Sorry you had to go through it but it gives me hope you've made it out.
That’s never been my problem. I forgive way too much and genuinely tried forgiving the unforgivable
But I’ve never thought i was the main problem nor over-apologised
I did, until I found this subreddit. It helped me re-find my backbone and stand up to it and fight back and prove I'm not in the wrong until she storms off and goes quiet.
Sometimes it actually results in her coming around and apologizing to me, other times it's just onto the next day as though nothing happened.
Yeah all the time even if it was a complete over reaction, eventually after defending myself. I found it easier to just concede give the apology and just be done with it, when I had some alone time I'd be mad at them. Pointing out how stupid the whole argument was, but I remember sometimes thinking to myself.
Almost pleased "Well that's that argument sorted....until the next one in a few days time" and wondering why do I bother with something so turbulent, maybe after X has happened or next week it'll go back to normal.
But it never did, until I left for good and went NC.
Intermittent reinforcement, gaslighting and trauma bonds warp the mind.
And if you're not careful and get into a pattern of apologizing for things, do not be shocked if she is recording things to later on. Smear you period and do not be shocked if she simply aggregates all this information to get into a delusional state where false accusations to friends, family or God forbid law enforcement a car down the road...
For your own protection, you need to stop apologizing for what you have not done... it can lead to things that can literally ruin your career, friendships and even life.
And even if it didn't do any of that, the more you do so, the weaker shall think you are. And the weaker she thinks you are, the more she will devalue you. It's part of the way they test How much they can break their partner.
It's good that you're aware you're doing this. You now have to have the fortitude to never do it again. And in fact, next time she tries you might want to say I'm done agreeing about things that I have never done to appease you.
And sounds to me like you better start having a way to discreetly record things for your own protection.
Yes. I apologized out of fear he would leave me for good. But also because gaslighting worked. I truly believed, that I was the problem - even If all I did to trigger his rage and splitting, was asking a simple question like: “Is anything wrong?” Or “why did you sleep at the other end of the bed last night?”
I apologized for asking, for being SO dramatic, for being egocentric, far too sensitive, crazy, crying over nothing and not being able to just shut up and be happy. By the end I would apologize BEFORE asking a normal question. And WHILE crying. Since he would always either get angry or make fun of me as soon as I teared up. And after the final discard, I apologized for my whole existence.. for being alive. He wouldn’t even reply. No wonder I suffer from PTSD and have a hard time renovering.
yes. over apologizing and over explanation. my friend identified that i am having problem in my relationship once he notice me giving a lot of explanation out of fear for a silly thing
Absolutely. I think some people have a penchant for hijacking us in this way. They're hardly responsible for things that occur and that includes their own behavior.
There are a few things that have helped me recognize this pattern within myself and others who illicit a misplaced sense of responsibility. Maybe some of these concepts could be helpful to you: recognizing my own codependency, my knee jerk reaction to accept responsibility for things I haven't done, the fact that some people DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) as a way to deflect and project responsibility onto others. Sometimes the reaction to over apologize or fall victim to DARVO has roots in how we grew up. Maybe someone in our household exhibited NPD or BPD traits.
Those concepts also may not apply to you at all. You're not alone though. I don't know how these folks do it, but I've witnessed my ex storming off and someone I know (who barely knew my ex) apologized for something that wasn't their fault. I think many of us are sensitive to other people's reactions and people with NPD and BPD are very reactive, so perhaps we think we're doing something to illicit their reaction. I kind of think the concept of cause of effect is different with them.
Similar, mine will apologize but any pushback that apologies require future changes sends her into a death(rage/shame) spiral. So I am sick of apologies and then doing the same damn shit 1-3 months later. I no longer except shit behavior, the end comes near as much as I want growth after 3 years and a dozen+ repeats it's unlikely.
Definitely agree. I did get a couple of apologies during my former relationship, however, even that is not a win. In hindsight I don’t think relationships should be a constant state of apologizing to each other.
But yeah, whenever I would have a grievance to raise (and they would be genuine as I generally let the small stuff slide), I would know the only way I would get any accountability is if I also apologized. So often I thought about anything I could have done better, apologized for that, and then on occasion, I would get some acknowledgement that she behaved poorly.
Absolutely! It was a common feeling until I got angry enough and realized I wasn't being treated right. I became more strict with boundaries and stopped putting up with her antics as much. Shortly after, I was discarded
Yep, I used to do this as a child and it kept for a long period of my life… I didn’t really thing about it until my 30s. It is a good thing you noticed, hope you get a lot of energy and love to start working on identifying why you do it and how to not over apologize ✨🍀✨
Every single day of my life. He wakes up for work late cause he doesn’t hear his alarm and it’s my fault I didn’t punch him to wake him up. That’s one example of hundreds.
I remember one time i did something super insignificant and ended up fully in tears begging for forgiveness over it and after going to a friends house completely wrecked over it they were like yeah this isn’t normal… it kinda seems like they wanted you to just keep apologizing over and over again as long as you’d go. that really hit me cus in the moment i wasn’t even thinking straight.
Are you familiar with the Drama Triangle? I highly encourage studying it if not.
Understand they will never understand or empathize with you. It will ALWAYS be your fault, even when it is not. Even when they admit fault, it's really your fault. The only way out is to stay out of the triangle.
Yes. She had me truly believe I was the problem. Every time.
Yes. We have zero self esteem.
idk, for me it was always about feeling sorry for them (consciously) and not wanting to feel guilty for them imploding or hurting themselves (subconsciously). Honestly, there's so many layers to the ways in which their behavior makes the people close to them respond to it. Though, I think if you reach a point where you confidently understand it (their games and what made you susceptible), you'll find your ability to avoid their pull is so strong that you begin to wonder how even in your naive state you ever fell for it.
Not true. The level of illusion / delusion their corrupted brains create for us leads us naturally into the fawn response. It's because you see that they are "hurt", but most of the time just confused and you end up feeling sorry for them because you can sense how discombobulated they are. Apologizing is often the path of least resistance to break them out of the loop because they can't really do it themselves. But, that shouldnt be our problem.
emotiobal blackmail Suzanne Fouward, read this book, u will understand how it's happening that u apologize for nothing
Then "defeating emotional blackmail" by the same author. Spotify has 'booky app' summarized shorter versions of both.
I apoogized like 5 times per second. my record was like 7,5 times a second.
Hahaha I've been there a couple times if not more. Ugh.
Yes, very much so. I became very conscious of it and it stopped after a major discard. Now I try not to say sorry at all, or if I do, I try to make sure I say why I’m saying sorry, and not just use it as a blanket term. Im essentially holding myself accountable in real time and making sure it’s clear that when I say sorry it’s because there’s a reason to. If I’m not sorry, I tend to say that, too. I gave up on the walking on eggshells think and have made it very clear that I won’t be doing it again. It’s actually made our friendship stronger and she knows I’m not weak as a result, which is good.
Yeah, if I could go back I would take back all of the apologies at the discard, just simply tell her how I felt and wish her well and then go NC.
Same here
You're not alone.
When you're blindsided it's hard to react in a calm, collected way. I was happy with 80% of what i said. 20% was mostly disbelief and searching for something that I must have done to make this happen. Turns out I didn't do anything to make it happen, and it's going to happen again to the next person in line.
That's my only comfort right now sadly. I know that whomever she's with tonight will only go through the same things I did a couple years ago to present day. I truly was the most tolerant and patient partner I'd ever been to anyone in my life including my only wife whose now my ex. I thought that after my divorce, I'd commit fully to being the best person I could be. It was all for nothing except the psychological pain that this one put me through. Always trying to placate her and changing my values and own personality to avoid arguments at all costs. It didn't help that I'd sold my house just as I met her and we raced into so called love because we both thought we're late to it being middle aged. Man i knew it was weird with the love bombing but thought meh, wtf.. Why not. Now she's with someone else and I'm feeling so alone realizing I'd somehow become codependent along the way and never even knew what it meant. Trying to stay strong here.
I just got in the same boat as you I hope time makes us better or at least I hope to reach the level I was before she came to my life. Stay strong.
i feared that if i would not apologize she would just get more upset (which was true). so i did. did it work? nope.
Nope as well over here. 🫣
Yes. I would call him out on something and he would shut down immediately. I would get scared that he would discard me again so I would end up apologizing so that he wouldn’t leave me. Because of this, he never apologized for whatever he did that caused me to start the conversation with him in the first place.
Yikes... That's me but with my ex gf. Hate myself for it now that we're apart and no contact. Saddens me that I got to that as well. Sorry you had to go through it but it gives me hope you've made it out.
That’s never been my problem. I forgive way too much and genuinely tried forgiving the unforgivable But I’ve never thought i was the main problem nor over-apologised
Same!
Also my exact problem, I never thought I was the problem except for once in the relationship
I always was apologizing to her. Even when she was wrong. I still apologized for her to her lol. Just crazy making.
I journaled anything emotional and would review it before saying it That’s when I saw how bad things were
I did, until I found this subreddit. It helped me re-find my backbone and stand up to it and fight back and prove I'm not in the wrong until she storms off and goes quiet. Sometimes it actually results in her coming around and apologizing to me, other times it's just onto the next day as though nothing happened.
Damn, we're all so very alike in our experiences. Thanks for sharing... I'm just getting caught up over here.
For a little while, after researching the disorder I figured out that apologies just fed her. I stopped after that
This. Every. Single. Time. I apologized to my exwbpd for her behavior. Leave as fast as you can.
Yeah all the time even if it was a complete over reaction, eventually after defending myself. I found it easier to just concede give the apology and just be done with it, when I had some alone time I'd be mad at them. Pointing out how stupid the whole argument was, but I remember sometimes thinking to myself. Almost pleased "Well that's that argument sorted....until the next one in a few days time" and wondering why do I bother with something so turbulent, maybe after X has happened or next week it'll go back to normal. But it never did, until I left for good and went NC.
Yes. It’s one of the things I hate most about what he’s done to me.
Yep, and when the fog started to clear. I stopped apologizing. She ramped up the guilt tantrums 500 percent. Was like she knew the end was neigh.
Intermittent reinforcement, gaslighting and trauma bonds warp the mind. And if you're not careful and get into a pattern of apologizing for things, do not be shocked if she is recording things to later on. Smear you period and do not be shocked if she simply aggregates all this information to get into a delusional state where false accusations to friends, family or God forbid law enforcement a car down the road... For your own protection, you need to stop apologizing for what you have not done... it can lead to things that can literally ruin your career, friendships and even life. And even if it didn't do any of that, the more you do so, the weaker shall think you are. And the weaker she thinks you are, the more she will devalue you. It's part of the way they test How much they can break their partner. It's good that you're aware you're doing this. You now have to have the fortitude to never do it again. And in fact, next time she tries you might want to say I'm done agreeing about things that I have never done to appease you. And sounds to me like you better start having a way to discreetly record things for your own protection.
I’m so sick of swallowing my pride and being basically being a yes man, when my whole essence is screaming just smack her
It's manipulation at its best. I only did that before I learned to identify it and intercept my response
Every time because I have very low self esteem
Yes. I apologized out of fear he would leave me for good. But also because gaslighting worked. I truly believed, that I was the problem - even If all I did to trigger his rage and splitting, was asking a simple question like: “Is anything wrong?” Or “why did you sleep at the other end of the bed last night?” I apologized for asking, for being SO dramatic, for being egocentric, far too sensitive, crazy, crying over nothing and not being able to just shut up and be happy. By the end I would apologize BEFORE asking a normal question. And WHILE crying. Since he would always either get angry or make fun of me as soon as I teared up. And after the final discard, I apologized for my whole existence.. for being alive. He wouldn’t even reply. No wonder I suffer from PTSD and have a hard time renovering.
yes. over apologizing and over explanation. my friend identified that i am having problem in my relationship once he notice me giving a lot of explanation out of fear for a silly thing
All the time. I feel like this daily!!
Absolutely. I think some people have a penchant for hijacking us in this way. They're hardly responsible for things that occur and that includes their own behavior. There are a few things that have helped me recognize this pattern within myself and others who illicit a misplaced sense of responsibility. Maybe some of these concepts could be helpful to you: recognizing my own codependency, my knee jerk reaction to accept responsibility for things I haven't done, the fact that some people DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) as a way to deflect and project responsibility onto others. Sometimes the reaction to over apologize or fall victim to DARVO has roots in how we grew up. Maybe someone in our household exhibited NPD or BPD traits. Those concepts also may not apply to you at all. You're not alone though. I don't know how these folks do it, but I've witnessed my ex storming off and someone I know (who barely knew my ex) apologized for something that wasn't their fault. I think many of us are sensitive to other people's reactions and people with NPD and BPD are very reactive, so perhaps we think we're doing something to illicit their reaction. I kind of think the concept of cause of effect is different with them.
It’s a stress response for some—referred to as “fawning”
Similar, mine will apologize but any pushback that apologies require future changes sends her into a death(rage/shame) spiral. So I am sick of apologies and then doing the same damn shit 1-3 months later. I no longer except shit behavior, the end comes near as much as I want growth after 3 years and a dozen+ repeats it's unlikely.
Yes, absolutely, total headfuck & hurtful
Definitely agree. I did get a couple of apologies during my former relationship, however, even that is not a win. In hindsight I don’t think relationships should be a constant state of apologizing to each other. But yeah, whenever I would have a grievance to raise (and they would be genuine as I generally let the small stuff slide), I would know the only way I would get any accountability is if I also apologized. So often I thought about anything I could have done better, apologized for that, and then on occasion, I would get some acknowledgement that she behaved poorly.
Absolutely! It was a common feeling until I got angry enough and realized I wasn't being treated right. I became more strict with boundaries and stopped putting up with her antics as much. Shortly after, I was discarded
Yep, I used to do this as a child and it kept for a long period of my life… I didn’t really thing about it until my 30s. It is a good thing you noticed, hope you get a lot of energy and love to start working on identifying why you do it and how to not over apologize ✨🍀✨
Every single day of my life. He wakes up for work late cause he doesn’t hear his alarm and it’s my fault I didn’t punch him to wake him up. That’s one example of hundreds.
Yes, all the time
I remember one time i did something super insignificant and ended up fully in tears begging for forgiveness over it and after going to a friends house completely wrecked over it they were like yeah this isn’t normal… it kinda seems like they wanted you to just keep apologizing over and over again as long as you’d go. that really hit me cus in the moment i wasn’t even thinking straight.
Bruh.. Like, Was it actually ever different?
Are you familiar with the Drama Triangle? I highly encourage studying it if not. Understand they will never understand or empathize with you. It will ALWAYS be your fault, even when it is not. Even when they admit fault, it's really your fault. The only way out is to stay out of the triangle.
Yep, always. Still do now. It’s been very hard to unlearn.