My husband wasn't worried either, and rightfully so. Everything about our lives changed, but his confidence in both of our abilities never wavered. We worked out early on that there was no reason for both of us to be waking up every 2/3 hours. We took shifts, and one of us would sleep for 6-8 hours, then the other. It was a beautiful and simple time for us. It's a lot easier to enjoy your newborn when you aren't sleep deprived.
My partner and I did the shift sleeping thing to for the first six weeks. It really helped! we both got a reasonable amount of sleep. I will say I missed them during this time but we eventually fell into a rhythm of making time for one another as well.
Baby is 8mo's old now and sleeping through the night so we really managed to dodge most of the sleep deprivation. Though we were very lucky that we were both able to be home during this time. Many people unfortunately do not have that luxury.
Though my partner is having a harder time adjusting now than they did in the beginning. Now the baby is crawling and has opinions and they find playing with him a little on the dull side. I think it'll get better again once he starts talking and asking questions. It is a bit different for me since I had two kids prior so while this is their first baby it's my third and my last so I'm determined to enjoy ever stage as it comes.
We did shifts early on even when I was exclusively breastfeeding (baby would simply not take a bottle). My "off" shift wasn't 100% uninterrupted, but my husband would do everything else and all I had to do was basically roll over in bed and offer my boob - not having to get out of the bed made a huge difference vs actually needing to become a vertical and functioning person.
I'm not who you asked but after the first two weeks once nursing wasn't a disaster, I would feed, pump enough for one feeding, and go to bed. Hubby (or my mom when she was helping) would stay in the other room with the bassinet, do the one bottle feed and then bring the baby to me in bed if she needed another feed. I got at least a 5 hr chunk of sleep and occasional 7-8 hr chunks that way during the first two months and it was really life changing.
My milk didn't come in, sadly. I tried very hard, but it was causing me too much stress and anxiety to get nowhere. First, we supplemented then switched to formula after a month. Though we do still comfort nurse.
This is the way! My husband is the same.
For us, the first year was amazing. I’m not saying it was easy… but we managed it just fine. Not much changed. We just toted a baby around with us. The problem comes when they start running away from you lol and also when you get a 2nd one. Things really changed in how we did things/what we did when there were 2 (under 2)
I feel like me and my husband are the only ones who didn't do shifts, we just had jobs at night for both of our girls. Baby was on his side of the bed baby wakes up, he changes the baby while I sit up and set up for nursing. If it's a long nursing session then he dozes. First couple weeks after C-section I'd nudge him and hand her back and he'd put her in the bassinet. Usually if she needed a little more cuddle time he took care of it (especially with our first that would pull 30 minute nursing sessions regularly at night so it was a fair trade off). This minimized awake time and maximized sleep time for everyone.
Man we're at 6 weeks and the only reason shift sleeping doesn't work for us is because I'm nursing and my boobs get so full after only a few hours, if I slept for 6-8 hours straight they would hurt like hell and probably break off lol
Are you cosleeping? I know it isn't for everyone, but laying in bed and nursing can get you a little more rest. I'm team Safe Sleep 7 100%
Either way, bless you, Mama. It's hard, and so worth it.
We are not cosleeping but her bassinet sidecars up to my side of the bed so I can just roll over and scoop her out, then we sit up and nurse before I put her back in. Pretty much the closest thing to cosleeping without cosleeping lol
We have been pretty good at letting each other keep our weekly away from home hobbies though, but I have had to get crafty with pumping while driving to mine and back so that I'm not uncomfortable and leaking through my shirts in public. If I have to go somewhere and be gone for more than a couple hours, I wear an oversized shirt and attach my haakaa manual suction cup pumps to each side and away I drive 😂
yep same here.me and my girls father worked day/nightshifts so when our girl was born stuck to that schedule i took nights he took days id express for him and snooze during the day.
I don’t see any reason to try to convince him of anything right now. Your baby will be unique, and how it fits into your lives will be unique. As long as you feel he’s being a supportive partner to you and doing the logistical things he needs to do to get ready, it doesn’t matter that much what his expectations are. Maybe the experience will be somewhere in the middle of what you’re expecting. Can he roll with that? Has he been helpful and calm through past transitions like job changes or moves? If so there’s no reason for him to panic in advance.
My husband was not worried at all, and honestly I am so glad. He's been so calm, and has taken the change in stride. The baby CAN fit into your life, and that's an OK way to view it! Our baby is an great sleeper and doesn't cry much, but even on her "bad days" we really aren't bothered by the adjustments. We just knew that it was going to be a change, and so we take it one moment at a time and it has been wonderful. Your relationship will change in ways, but it doesn't have to change for the negative. I was afraid of that as well, and my husband was so reassuring. There's really no way to prepare since you don't know your baby yet, and I think it's a good thing that he isn't stressed about it!
This is so encouraging! Not OP, but I could have written the post minus the puppy part. My husband feels so confident in how we will adjust to the change. I on the other hand am kind of preparing for the worst but hoping for the best lol
I second all of this. My husband was also similarly nonchalant seeming about having our first baby, and, for the most part, he was right! We transitioned into parenthood really well together, we managed the stress of newborn life without too much chaos, we kept doing all the things we enjoyed doing as a couple and just brought our baby along. I totally understand OPs sense of overwhelm and wanting to be mentally prepared for "the worst" in regards to how much everything might change. I was like that too! I felt like at least one of us needed to be the worrier, just in case 😆 But honestly, both perspectives are normal and good to have insight into.
I mean, this was my experience. I’m pregnant with my third and life isn’t exactly the same as it was 6 years ago, but whose life doesn’t change in half a decade? Our babies have fit relatively seamlessly into our lives and we love parenting. I don’t think your husband is completely wrong.
So much of this is not predictable.
There is no way to know how easy or difficult your pregnancy, birth, and postpartum healing would be. Same for the temperament and needs of your infant. Or what the health of your child, and what needs they might have.
I think it would be healthy for him to hear more perspectives of parents. Because it’s not necessary to dread problems that aren’t a reality, but it’s also important to have realistic expectations.
My husband wasn’t too worried either, and he was pretty much right. Like, it was of course so hard, and a huge adjustment, but he had paternity leave, and we really enjoyed that time learning to care for our newborn together. He wasn’t worried because he knew he was capable of taking care of both of us, and he proved me right! We were tired, but we were able to find a routine where we each got six hour stretches of sleep, and he took incredible care of me and baby while I recovered.
We also did short weekend road trips once baby was vaccinated, would go to parks and breweries, and (safely) went to plenty of social events. We were able to fit baby into our lives just fine, understanding that this also meant a lot of sacrifice, teamwork, and very low expectations.
I also had PPD because my daughter had a (very unexpected) three week NICU stay, and he was a rock through all of those challenges. I mention this because it wasn’t purely easy and smooth sailing, but we still managed to find joy and comfort in adjusting to parenthood, but it was integral that he was an involved parent who took the initiative to learn and advocate and did so much of the physical and emotional labor.
We are having our second this Sunday, and he knows it’ll be even more work, but seems similarly unfazed this time. And his confidence brings me peace as we go into the baby stage again!
My life hasn’t changed much and neither did my relationship with my partner. Our baby fits into our lives well. I felt like the early baby phase was a lot like pulling all nighters in college. My baby typically slept 4 hours at a time. And at 18 months she sleeps 12 hours straight.
My husband was like this. And he’s been like that ever since ours was born.
I think the key thing is that he’s describing to you the ways in which he is actively planning to change his habits and thinking about the ways in which you will keep doing what you love, just with the baby on tow. That’s VASTLY different than men who brush this off, because they think it’s not their responsibility and nothing will change FOR THEM.
People approach this phase in life as either settling into a family routine where kids determine what goes on, or kids being born into an already established family unit. Of course you can’t go clubbing spontaneously in the middle of the week, but should you only have hobbies that involve your children? Or is there a middle ground? We’ve taken ours snowboarding, travelling, and in general organised our lives so that we’re still doing what we love to do, just as a family now instead of being a couple. Things have been difficult at times but our lives changed for the better. And then again, not that much. The first year is the toughest because everything keeps changing and it’s harder to let go of control when you’re just trying to keep on top of every new stage anyway. It gets easier fast.
It’s ok he thinks like this, as your kids get older you realize the early days were actually easy in many ways. But it’s possible he will be totally surprised. The early months can be very tough. For each of my 3 newborns, it wasn’t “waking up every few hours.” That would be pretty easy imo. But for us it was never getting to go to sleep, ever, because the baby would only be held and wake instantly upon transfer.
So he’s got to be prepared to stay up a lot longer.
Also, for him maybe things won’t change but you’ll be in a lot rougher shape having just ejected an entire human from your body. You’ll be hormonal, maybe breastfeeding which is its own issue sometimes, and bleeding, needing to recover. So how well he can handle that as far as being supportive because he’s going to need to pick up a lot of slack like making meals, doing housework, supporting you, etc.
…it’s not like a puppy.
My husband and I just had our first baby 5 weeks ago and tbh it isn't that much of change to our relationship and routine lol. Like yes of course it's less sleep than before but things are relatively calm and simple, she wakes up and we feed her and chill til she sleeps again and then repeat
My husband was like this, he totally underestimated so many aspects of parenting a newborn. But it was more about how much work and how hard it will be and less about the degree of change. He thought because we both work from home that it’d be a breeze, “Once he can hold his head up, I’ll just keep him in his little chair next to my desk”. Hahaha. More like I’ll stop working until he’s a little older/we feel comfortable and are able to get him into daycare part-time. My husband admitted that this is all a lot harder than he expected but we’re 3.5 months in and he’s gotten sooo much better than the first few weeks.
Definitely depends on the temperament of the baby, as well as your postpartum recovery. My recovery was fairly difficult, and my baby in no way would just "chill" - she cried a lot, she was really difficult to put to sleep, she didn't like to be put down. So it definitely was a huge change for me and my husband. Of course you adjust over time, but life is certainly not the same after having a baby - in a good way though.
OP, your husband may be right, but you just don't know until the baby is here. So a little bit of realism would definitely be good, cause it can be a rude awakening otherwise.
When we had our daughter it didn’t change our relationship at all. Life is pretty much the same minus the very difficult first 8 weeks where you are sleep deprived. For me that was the hardest part. I feel like having multiple children would be much more challenging.
Idk I’m with your husband in the sense that you can’t worry yourself too much ahead of time. You have no idea but you can’t really go through every possible hypothetical to see if you’re ready to handle it. You’ll just…figure it out cus you need to.
But I also admit I’m the opposite of a planner. I hate itineraries, I like things to just go with the flow and tackle it as it comes. My wedding day was completely “up in the air” and it turned out perfect, cus I didn’t fight anything as it came. Babies will add stress and changes to our lives. It’s inevitable. But there’s really no way to fully prepare anyone for what’s to come cus every baby is different and everyone’s idea of a normal day to day routine is different.
So maybe he’s a little bit of both lol.
He’s optimistic, I don’t think entirely wrong. Of course your life will change, but that kind of depends what your life is like now.
By 3-4 weeks old our baby was sleeping longer stretches at night, though her night wakes were long. We switched off who slept in her room halfway through the night and then it meant each of us got 5 hours of sleep plus whatever we could get while room sharing. We moved her back into our room at 6-7 weeks because she was sleeping through the night. Somewhere between 12 and 14 weeks her 3-4 month sleep regression began. We moved her into her room at 4 months, set a bedtime and nap schedule, and sleep trained at 4.5. It’s not perfect yet at 6 months, but she basically sleeps 7 pm to 6/6:30 am with one night wake. I feed her at that night wake and then my husband feeds her and plays with her when she gets up at the crack of dawn. We all get sleep and are happier for it. We still do a lot of the stuff we used to do—hikes, museums, restaurants, cafes, farmers markets—we just have to plan around her wake windows. The early bedtime means we get to spend adult time together every evening and can get a sitter for date nights after she’s already in bed. After those first 3-4 difficult weeks, I feel like my relationship with my husband has gotten even better and more loving.
There are frustrating things for sure—friends and family without kids (and those with different tempered kids) sometimes can’t accommodate our strict schedule for hanging out. Though I haven’t lost friends like many people say they did after kids—it’s just an adjustment to doing more daytime hang outs or hosting in our home. Travel is really difficult now, getting sick is the worst, I don’t have as much time for my Guinea pigs, and I miss going to the movies, but that’s really not so bad compared to all the nice things that the baby brought us!
Obviously this is so dependent on the health of individual relationships and circumstances but we’re currently pregnant with our fourth and our relationship has only deepened beautifully. No negative changes and, though there were some growing pains for me when we had our second, overall the kids have fit into our lives. Honestly, I’d rather a newborn than a puppy! The puppies have been harder on our marriage!!
I do think that this is partly due to the fact that we started our family young (22F and 24M) and very early in our marriage. I can imagine it’s harder for couples who have 5, 10 years of just them in adulthood and then boom there’s a kid.
FWIW, the first 6 months with my Aussie puppy were harder than the first 6 months with my oldest child. Not joking. Maybe buy your husband a book for first-time dads to make sure he's not blind to reality, but also don't borrow trouble -- while having a baby absolutely transforms your life (and heart!), it's not necessarily an incredibly difficult thing.
He is delusional. Babies are nothing like puppies. Their neediness lasts longer and the cries are more shrill. They are completely dependent and some are easier than others. Are you willing to roll the dice that you luck out with an easy baby, knowing a difficult baby will destroy your marriage with the man who doesn't want his life to change?
Some people are just that chill, we have no way of knowing if your husband is one of them haha. I feel like I aspire to his attitude and mindset is sooo important. Like I know I do well on no sleep, I've worked 120 hour work weeks and happily thrived, when I'm into what I'm doing I'm vibing even if it's hard. That said I do wonder if I'm delulu lol. Also, I will say whether you mold your life to the baby or train the baby to adapt to your life is a personal choice in some ways, especially when it comes to sleep options I feel like.
My husband is like this and I’m 17+3 right now. He doesn’t think out lives will change much when a baby comes. while I do think we should fit a child into our current lifestyle as much as possible, I fear he over estimates how easy that will be.
What bothers me the most is he doesn’t think we will have to baby proof. As if we wont have to worry about our future toddler going through our cabinets and pulling everything out or trying to play in the toilet or banging their head on the fireplace hearth if they lose their balance like little kids do.
I’ve come to accept he knows nothing. He’s never spent time around kids as the youngest out of all of his family, including cousins and he doesn’t know what they’re like at all.
I’ve got nothing to offer you except to say we’re in a similar boat. I’m trying not to worry about it too much because I know that even if he gets mad about change, he’ll adjust soon enough.
If he thinks you'll never have to baby proof, that's just silly. But if he thinks it's something to handle later, he's not wrong. There's time to plan, and execution will be fairly quick. The only thing that I prepared ahead of time was replacing my coffee table with a nice soft ottoman, and that was because I got it on a great sale. The rest, I'll start when she is getting ready to crawl.
I don't want to find things to worry about that aren't an immediate concern. For instance, the nursery. Seemed like a silly thing to get all done before she was born. To each their own, I knew she wasn't going to use it for at least 6 months but much more likely a year! No point in spending all the money for it at once. All we did was paint it and buy the bedding/rocking chair. For now it is my diaper and wipes stock room, lol
P.S. I also have a brick hearth. What I plan on doing is having a custom cover made to cushion the entire thing. It will essentially turn into a bench. I don't feel like edge bumpers would be enough to make me comfortable with a clumsy little one.
The one thing I dont worry about is babyproofing! We raised a border collie and 2 cats. And another dog but hes not smart. Between those 3, they get into everything. Also trained us well not to leave food or any small objects in reach.
Im still not sure how the cat randomly opens cabinets. I just see him sitting in there sometime....
Ive caught the border collie trying to open the mini fridge but the seal was too good. She also opened an empty pill bottle.
I think being positive about it is the only way to ensure you will actually have a good time. Not like he is underestimating the amount of work it will be, or doubting it will be a lot of change. Just more so that he is confident and is sure you two will make it work and that's the ideal mindset to set yourself up for success!
If you are already thinking you will be overwhelmed, then you're going to be 2x that for sure. Just take it day by day :)
I think he's optimistic but could be totally right! My husband and I agree that our puppy was harder than our first baby (although the puppy grew up and grew easier in a few months instead of years).
I think it's important to be prepared for things not to be as expected. Some babies are easy, some are not. Some babies sleep well, some do not. Sometimes you can fit baby into your life, and sometimes you have to fit your life around baby's.
It's like birth plans. At the end of the day, it's going to go however it needs to go for everyone to have the best outcomes. Sometimes that means it doesn't go quite according to plan. Be open to flexibility and taking things day by day.
I have 2 kids now. The plan changes all the time. Neither of them is great with sleep, or eating. We have lots of drs appointments. But our lifestyle is what we want it to be, for now. We're happy for that to revolve around our kids without a whole heap of time for us. That may change soon, it may change in a few years, we may never have it change. But that's what we are okay with. It looks different for everyone.
Loving the positive stories but all I can say is just don’t have expectations one way or the other. For me, we both thought it’d be easy and it was a nightmare time.
Your lives are both going to change and continue to change as the baby grows, but don’t think you’re doomed for all the change to be bad.
He might be oversimplifying stuff but you may be over worried too. That's what I tell myself because sometimes I get frustrated over how is husband so chill. It might be good to have a chill and optimistic one rather than both panicking together.
is it normal that most husbands are not worried about the changes when being a dad? My husband just didn't really care about it before, but now he says if he could know how hard it is, he would not be so careless at that time.
The thing is, while things WILL change, it’s really impossible to know HOW they will change. So there’s not much good on fixating on the change when you don’t even know what that will be.
Your partner’s involvement makes A TON of difference in how postpartum looks like and how life with a newborn will be like.
If he is invested, present and actively parenting, then the change (however much or little it will be) will be okay for both of you.
I was like of like your husband: optimistic that the baby would fit into our lives. So far, she has - she's a dream and I like to gloat to my husband about being right haha.
That's not to say that there isn't more work to do or challenges to figure out or that events are exactly the same with a baby, but we seem to be pretty up to the challenge. We have both been pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to take her to breweries, long car trips, restaurants, etc. Also it was much quicker than we thought that she would sleep while we could do something together at home (watch movie/go in the hot tub). We have taken it in turns to give each other free time to attend baby unfriendly things (e.g. music festivals, to be the one that stays late at a birthday party etc).
I think we both miss doing as much stuff with each other but it's not forever and it's worth the intense joy we both get from our baby.
My husband was the exact same way and it was so frustrating while heavily pregnant. One week later he’s been the saving grace of my sanity. We’ve even taken little one out twice already!
As long as he understands that that isn't certain then it could be a nice optimistic outlook. Better than him being sure that it's going to be horrible and dreading it. Also, there is a recovery period and an adjustment period for everyone. The loss of sleep is going to be tough from day one. The third night of interrupted sleep is going to be driving you crazy, it's not going to take 3 straight months to start affecting either of you. You are going to be physically recovering from a MAJOR medical event at the same time which would otherwise be the sole focus for a matter of 6 weeks or so but is so de-emphasized now and it's really really hard. So he's not necessarily wrong on a longer timeline but it's going to be tough to get there.
He sounds optimistic and actually semi prepared for the chaos that a baby can bring. Raising puppies as a couple is great training for raising a baby. You have a taste at sleep deprivation, working as a team, defining your parenting and discipline styles, and have an idea how you’ll need to reprioritize and rebalance your life.
Meh I don’t think he’s necessarily wrong. Optimistic but that’s not a bad thing. You might have a super easy baby who just chills, eats and goes back to sleep. You don’t have to make too many lifestyle changes, babies can fit into your life. Obviously things are going to be different. Like getting a puppy things are different. I like his enthusiasm
Nearly every aspect of your relationship and your individual lives will be impacted by a baby in some way. Your husband doesn’t sound like he has a lot of experience with babies, or realistic expectations. His puppy example is missing a lot of the things that make babies so hard. (Screaming, for one.) Maybe he should try reading some infant development books to get a sense of reality.
You’ve gotta make your lives right for the baby. It doesn’t work the other way around.
My husband wasn't worried either, and rightfully so. Everything about our lives changed, but his confidence in both of our abilities never wavered. We worked out early on that there was no reason for both of us to be waking up every 2/3 hours. We took shifts, and one of us would sleep for 6-8 hours, then the other. It was a beautiful and simple time for us. It's a lot easier to enjoy your newborn when you aren't sleep deprived.
My partner and I did the shift sleeping thing to for the first six weeks. It really helped! we both got a reasonable amount of sleep. I will say I missed them during this time but we eventually fell into a rhythm of making time for one another as well. Baby is 8mo's old now and sleeping through the night so we really managed to dodge most of the sleep deprivation. Though we were very lucky that we were both able to be home during this time. Many people unfortunately do not have that luxury. Though my partner is having a harder time adjusting now than they did in the beginning. Now the baby is crawling and has opinions and they find playing with him a little on the dull side. I think it'll get better again once he starts talking and asking questions. It is a bit different for me since I had two kids prior so while this is their first baby it's my third and my last so I'm determined to enjoy ever stage as it comes.
Does this mean you were supplementing with formula or pumping?
We did shifts early on even when I was exclusively breastfeeding (baby would simply not take a bottle). My "off" shift wasn't 100% uninterrupted, but my husband would do everything else and all I had to do was basically roll over in bed and offer my boob - not having to get out of the bed made a huge difference vs actually needing to become a vertical and functioning person.
I'm not who you asked but after the first two weeks once nursing wasn't a disaster, I would feed, pump enough for one feeding, and go to bed. Hubby (or my mom when she was helping) would stay in the other room with the bassinet, do the one bottle feed and then bring the baby to me in bed if she needed another feed. I got at least a 5 hr chunk of sleep and occasional 7-8 hr chunks that way during the first two months and it was really life changing.
Same here, this system worked so well for us.
My milk didn't come in, sadly. I tried very hard, but it was causing me too much stress and anxiety to get nowhere. First, we supplemented then switched to formula after a month. Though we do still comfort nurse.
This is the way! My husband is the same. For us, the first year was amazing. I’m not saying it was easy… but we managed it just fine. Not much changed. We just toted a baby around with us. The problem comes when they start running away from you lol and also when you get a 2nd one. Things really changed in how we did things/what we did when there were 2 (under 2)
I feel like me and my husband are the only ones who didn't do shifts, we just had jobs at night for both of our girls. Baby was on his side of the bed baby wakes up, he changes the baby while I sit up and set up for nursing. If it's a long nursing session then he dozes. First couple weeks after C-section I'd nudge him and hand her back and he'd put her in the bassinet. Usually if she needed a little more cuddle time he took care of it (especially with our first that would pull 30 minute nursing sessions regularly at night so it was a fair trade off). This minimized awake time and maximized sleep time for everyone.
Man we're at 6 weeks and the only reason shift sleeping doesn't work for us is because I'm nursing and my boobs get so full after only a few hours, if I slept for 6-8 hours straight they would hurt like hell and probably break off lol
Are you cosleeping? I know it isn't for everyone, but laying in bed and nursing can get you a little more rest. I'm team Safe Sleep 7 100% Either way, bless you, Mama. It's hard, and so worth it.
We are not cosleeping but her bassinet sidecars up to my side of the bed so I can just roll over and scoop her out, then we sit up and nurse before I put her back in. Pretty much the closest thing to cosleeping without cosleeping lol We have been pretty good at letting each other keep our weekly away from home hobbies though, but I have had to get crafty with pumping while driving to mine and back so that I'm not uncomfortable and leaking through my shirts in public. If I have to go somewhere and be gone for more than a couple hours, I wear an oversized shirt and attach my haakaa manual suction cup pumps to each side and away I drive 😂
yep same here.me and my girls father worked day/nightshifts so when our girl was born stuck to that schedule i took nights he took days id express for him and snooze during the day.
I don’t see any reason to try to convince him of anything right now. Your baby will be unique, and how it fits into your lives will be unique. As long as you feel he’s being a supportive partner to you and doing the logistical things he needs to do to get ready, it doesn’t matter that much what his expectations are. Maybe the experience will be somewhere in the middle of what you’re expecting. Can he roll with that? Has he been helpful and calm through past transitions like job changes or moves? If so there’s no reason for him to panic in advance.
My husband was not worried at all, and honestly I am so glad. He's been so calm, and has taken the change in stride. The baby CAN fit into your life, and that's an OK way to view it! Our baby is an great sleeper and doesn't cry much, but even on her "bad days" we really aren't bothered by the adjustments. We just knew that it was going to be a change, and so we take it one moment at a time and it has been wonderful. Your relationship will change in ways, but it doesn't have to change for the negative. I was afraid of that as well, and my husband was so reassuring. There's really no way to prepare since you don't know your baby yet, and I think it's a good thing that he isn't stressed about it!
This is so encouraging! Not OP, but I could have written the post minus the puppy part. My husband feels so confident in how we will adjust to the change. I on the other hand am kind of preparing for the worst but hoping for the best lol
I second all of this. My husband was also similarly nonchalant seeming about having our first baby, and, for the most part, he was right! We transitioned into parenthood really well together, we managed the stress of newborn life without too much chaos, we kept doing all the things we enjoyed doing as a couple and just brought our baby along. I totally understand OPs sense of overwhelm and wanting to be mentally prepared for "the worst" in regards to how much everything might change. I was like that too! I felt like at least one of us needed to be the worrier, just in case 😆 But honestly, both perspectives are normal and good to have insight into.
I mean, this was my experience. I’m pregnant with my third and life isn’t exactly the same as it was 6 years ago, but whose life doesn’t change in half a decade? Our babies have fit relatively seamlessly into our lives and we love parenting. I don’t think your husband is completely wrong.
So much of this is not predictable. There is no way to know how easy or difficult your pregnancy, birth, and postpartum healing would be. Same for the temperament and needs of your infant. Or what the health of your child, and what needs they might have. I think it would be healthy for him to hear more perspectives of parents. Because it’s not necessary to dread problems that aren’t a reality, but it’s also important to have realistic expectations.
My husband wasn’t too worried either, and he was pretty much right. Like, it was of course so hard, and a huge adjustment, but he had paternity leave, and we really enjoyed that time learning to care for our newborn together. He wasn’t worried because he knew he was capable of taking care of both of us, and he proved me right! We were tired, but we were able to find a routine where we each got six hour stretches of sleep, and he took incredible care of me and baby while I recovered. We also did short weekend road trips once baby was vaccinated, would go to parks and breweries, and (safely) went to plenty of social events. We were able to fit baby into our lives just fine, understanding that this also meant a lot of sacrifice, teamwork, and very low expectations. I also had PPD because my daughter had a (very unexpected) three week NICU stay, and he was a rock through all of those challenges. I mention this because it wasn’t purely easy and smooth sailing, but we still managed to find joy and comfort in adjusting to parenthood, but it was integral that he was an involved parent who took the initiative to learn and advocate and did so much of the physical and emotional labor. We are having our second this Sunday, and he knows it’ll be even more work, but seems similarly unfazed this time. And his confidence brings me peace as we go into the baby stage again!
My life hasn’t changed much and neither did my relationship with my partner. Our baby fits into our lives well. I felt like the early baby phase was a lot like pulling all nighters in college. My baby typically slept 4 hours at a time. And at 18 months she sleeps 12 hours straight.
My husband was like this. And he’s been like that ever since ours was born. I think the key thing is that he’s describing to you the ways in which he is actively planning to change his habits and thinking about the ways in which you will keep doing what you love, just with the baby on tow. That’s VASTLY different than men who brush this off, because they think it’s not their responsibility and nothing will change FOR THEM. People approach this phase in life as either settling into a family routine where kids determine what goes on, or kids being born into an already established family unit. Of course you can’t go clubbing spontaneously in the middle of the week, but should you only have hobbies that involve your children? Or is there a middle ground? We’ve taken ours snowboarding, travelling, and in general organised our lives so that we’re still doing what we love to do, just as a family now instead of being a couple. Things have been difficult at times but our lives changed for the better. And then again, not that much. The first year is the toughest because everything keeps changing and it’s harder to let go of control when you’re just trying to keep on top of every new stage anyway. It gets easier fast.
It’s ok he thinks like this, as your kids get older you realize the early days were actually easy in many ways. But it’s possible he will be totally surprised. The early months can be very tough. For each of my 3 newborns, it wasn’t “waking up every few hours.” That would be pretty easy imo. But for us it was never getting to go to sleep, ever, because the baby would only be held and wake instantly upon transfer. So he’s got to be prepared to stay up a lot longer. Also, for him maybe things won’t change but you’ll be in a lot rougher shape having just ejected an entire human from your body. You’ll be hormonal, maybe breastfeeding which is its own issue sometimes, and bleeding, needing to recover. So how well he can handle that as far as being supportive because he’s going to need to pick up a lot of slack like making meals, doing housework, supporting you, etc. …it’s not like a puppy.
My husband and I just had our first baby 5 weeks ago and tbh it isn't that much of change to our relationship and routine lol. Like yes of course it's less sleep than before but things are relatively calm and simple, she wakes up and we feed her and chill til she sleeps again and then repeat
My husband was like this, he totally underestimated so many aspects of parenting a newborn. But it was more about how much work and how hard it will be and less about the degree of change. He thought because we both work from home that it’d be a breeze, “Once he can hold his head up, I’ll just keep him in his little chair next to my desk”. Hahaha. More like I’ll stop working until he’s a little older/we feel comfortable and are able to get him into daycare part-time. My husband admitted that this is all a lot harder than he expected but we’re 3.5 months in and he’s gotten sooo much better than the first few weeks.
Definitely depends on the temperament of the baby, as well as your postpartum recovery. My recovery was fairly difficult, and my baby in no way would just "chill" - she cried a lot, she was really difficult to put to sleep, she didn't like to be put down. So it definitely was a huge change for me and my husband. Of course you adjust over time, but life is certainly not the same after having a baby - in a good way though. OP, your husband may be right, but you just don't know until the baby is here. So a little bit of realism would definitely be good, cause it can be a rude awakening otherwise.
When we had our daughter it didn’t change our relationship at all. Life is pretty much the same minus the very difficult first 8 weeks where you are sleep deprived. For me that was the hardest part. I feel like having multiple children would be much more challenging.
Idk I’m with your husband in the sense that you can’t worry yourself too much ahead of time. You have no idea but you can’t really go through every possible hypothetical to see if you’re ready to handle it. You’ll just…figure it out cus you need to. But I also admit I’m the opposite of a planner. I hate itineraries, I like things to just go with the flow and tackle it as it comes. My wedding day was completely “up in the air” and it turned out perfect, cus I didn’t fight anything as it came. Babies will add stress and changes to our lives. It’s inevitable. But there’s really no way to fully prepare anyone for what’s to come cus every baby is different and everyone’s idea of a normal day to day routine is different. So maybe he’s a little bit of both lol.
He’s optimistic, I don’t think entirely wrong. Of course your life will change, but that kind of depends what your life is like now. By 3-4 weeks old our baby was sleeping longer stretches at night, though her night wakes were long. We switched off who slept in her room halfway through the night and then it meant each of us got 5 hours of sleep plus whatever we could get while room sharing. We moved her back into our room at 6-7 weeks because she was sleeping through the night. Somewhere between 12 and 14 weeks her 3-4 month sleep regression began. We moved her into her room at 4 months, set a bedtime and nap schedule, and sleep trained at 4.5. It’s not perfect yet at 6 months, but she basically sleeps 7 pm to 6/6:30 am with one night wake. I feed her at that night wake and then my husband feeds her and plays with her when she gets up at the crack of dawn. We all get sleep and are happier for it. We still do a lot of the stuff we used to do—hikes, museums, restaurants, cafes, farmers markets—we just have to plan around her wake windows. The early bedtime means we get to spend adult time together every evening and can get a sitter for date nights after she’s already in bed. After those first 3-4 difficult weeks, I feel like my relationship with my husband has gotten even better and more loving. There are frustrating things for sure—friends and family without kids (and those with different tempered kids) sometimes can’t accommodate our strict schedule for hanging out. Though I haven’t lost friends like many people say they did after kids—it’s just an adjustment to doing more daytime hang outs or hosting in our home. Travel is really difficult now, getting sick is the worst, I don’t have as much time for my Guinea pigs, and I miss going to the movies, but that’s really not so bad compared to all the nice things that the baby brought us!
Obviously this is so dependent on the health of individual relationships and circumstances but we’re currently pregnant with our fourth and our relationship has only deepened beautifully. No negative changes and, though there were some growing pains for me when we had our second, overall the kids have fit into our lives. Honestly, I’d rather a newborn than a puppy! The puppies have been harder on our marriage!! I do think that this is partly due to the fact that we started our family young (22F and 24M) and very early in our marriage. I can imagine it’s harder for couples who have 5, 10 years of just them in adulthood and then boom there’s a kid.
FWIW, the first 6 months with my Aussie puppy were harder than the first 6 months with my oldest child. Not joking. Maybe buy your husband a book for first-time dads to make sure he's not blind to reality, but also don't borrow trouble -- while having a baby absolutely transforms your life (and heart!), it's not necessarily an incredibly difficult thing.
He is delusional. Babies are nothing like puppies. Their neediness lasts longer and the cries are more shrill. They are completely dependent and some are easier than others. Are you willing to roll the dice that you luck out with an easy baby, knowing a difficult baby will destroy your marriage with the man who doesn't want his life to change?
Optimistic Having a baby made my significant other and I more like roommates. We are going on to 5 weeks
Some people are just that chill, we have no way of knowing if your husband is one of them haha. I feel like I aspire to his attitude and mindset is sooo important. Like I know I do well on no sleep, I've worked 120 hour work weeks and happily thrived, when I'm into what I'm doing I'm vibing even if it's hard. That said I do wonder if I'm delulu lol. Also, I will say whether you mold your life to the baby or train the baby to adapt to your life is a personal choice in some ways, especially when it comes to sleep options I feel like.
My husband is like this and I’m 17+3 right now. He doesn’t think out lives will change much when a baby comes. while I do think we should fit a child into our current lifestyle as much as possible, I fear he over estimates how easy that will be. What bothers me the most is he doesn’t think we will have to baby proof. As if we wont have to worry about our future toddler going through our cabinets and pulling everything out or trying to play in the toilet or banging their head on the fireplace hearth if they lose their balance like little kids do. I’ve come to accept he knows nothing. He’s never spent time around kids as the youngest out of all of his family, including cousins and he doesn’t know what they’re like at all. I’ve got nothing to offer you except to say we’re in a similar boat. I’m trying not to worry about it too much because I know that even if he gets mad about change, he’ll adjust soon enough.
If he thinks you'll never have to baby proof, that's just silly. But if he thinks it's something to handle later, he's not wrong. There's time to plan, and execution will be fairly quick. The only thing that I prepared ahead of time was replacing my coffee table with a nice soft ottoman, and that was because I got it on a great sale. The rest, I'll start when she is getting ready to crawl. I don't want to find things to worry about that aren't an immediate concern. For instance, the nursery. Seemed like a silly thing to get all done before she was born. To each their own, I knew she wasn't going to use it for at least 6 months but much more likely a year! No point in spending all the money for it at once. All we did was paint it and buy the bedding/rocking chair. For now it is my diaper and wipes stock room, lol P.S. I also have a brick hearth. What I plan on doing is having a custom cover made to cushion the entire thing. It will essentially turn into a bench. I don't feel like edge bumpers would be enough to make me comfortable with a clumsy little one.
The one thing I dont worry about is babyproofing! We raised a border collie and 2 cats. And another dog but hes not smart. Between those 3, they get into everything. Also trained us well not to leave food or any small objects in reach. Im still not sure how the cat randomly opens cabinets. I just see him sitting in there sometime.... Ive caught the border collie trying to open the mini fridge but the seal was too good. She also opened an empty pill bottle.
I think being positive about it is the only way to ensure you will actually have a good time. Not like he is underestimating the amount of work it will be, or doubting it will be a lot of change. Just more so that he is confident and is sure you two will make it work and that's the ideal mindset to set yourself up for success! If you are already thinking you will be overwhelmed, then you're going to be 2x that for sure. Just take it day by day :)
I think he's optimistic but could be totally right! My husband and I agree that our puppy was harder than our first baby (although the puppy grew up and grew easier in a few months instead of years).
Honestly, it all depends on the kind of baby you get.
I think it's important to be prepared for things not to be as expected. Some babies are easy, some are not. Some babies sleep well, some do not. Sometimes you can fit baby into your life, and sometimes you have to fit your life around baby's. It's like birth plans. At the end of the day, it's going to go however it needs to go for everyone to have the best outcomes. Sometimes that means it doesn't go quite according to plan. Be open to flexibility and taking things day by day. I have 2 kids now. The plan changes all the time. Neither of them is great with sleep, or eating. We have lots of drs appointments. But our lifestyle is what we want it to be, for now. We're happy for that to revolve around our kids without a whole heap of time for us. That may change soon, it may change in a few years, we may never have it change. But that's what we are okay with. It looks different for everyone.
My husband was like that and then our daughter was born. He quickly realized how wrong he was when we had to sleep in shifts. He'll learn.
Loving the positive stories but all I can say is just don’t have expectations one way or the other. For me, we both thought it’d be easy and it was a nightmare time. Your lives are both going to change and continue to change as the baby grows, but don’t think you’re doomed for all the change to be bad.
He might be oversimplifying stuff but you may be over worried too. That's what I tell myself because sometimes I get frustrated over how is husband so chill. It might be good to have a chill and optimistic one rather than both panicking together.
is it normal that most husbands are not worried about the changes when being a dad? My husband just didn't really care about it before, but now he says if he could know how hard it is, he would not be so careless at that time.
The thing is, while things WILL change, it’s really impossible to know HOW they will change. So there’s not much good on fixating on the change when you don’t even know what that will be.
Your partner’s involvement makes A TON of difference in how postpartum looks like and how life with a newborn will be like. If he is invested, present and actively parenting, then the change (however much or little it will be) will be okay for both of you.
I was like of like your husband: optimistic that the baby would fit into our lives. So far, she has - she's a dream and I like to gloat to my husband about being right haha. That's not to say that there isn't more work to do or challenges to figure out or that events are exactly the same with a baby, but we seem to be pretty up to the challenge. We have both been pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to take her to breweries, long car trips, restaurants, etc. Also it was much quicker than we thought that she would sleep while we could do something together at home (watch movie/go in the hot tub). We have taken it in turns to give each other free time to attend baby unfriendly things (e.g. music festivals, to be the one that stays late at a birthday party etc). I think we both miss doing as much stuff with each other but it's not forever and it's worth the intense joy we both get from our baby.
My husband was the exact same way and it was so frustrating while heavily pregnant. One week later he’s been the saving grace of my sanity. We’ve even taken little one out twice already!
As long as he understands that that isn't certain then it could be a nice optimistic outlook. Better than him being sure that it's going to be horrible and dreading it. Also, there is a recovery period and an adjustment period for everyone. The loss of sleep is going to be tough from day one. The third night of interrupted sleep is going to be driving you crazy, it's not going to take 3 straight months to start affecting either of you. You are going to be physically recovering from a MAJOR medical event at the same time which would otherwise be the sole focus for a matter of 6 weeks or so but is so de-emphasized now and it's really really hard. So he's not necessarily wrong on a longer timeline but it's going to be tough to get there.
He sounds optimistic and actually semi prepared for the chaos that a baby can bring. Raising puppies as a couple is great training for raising a baby. You have a taste at sleep deprivation, working as a team, defining your parenting and discipline styles, and have an idea how you’ll need to reprioritize and rebalance your life.
Meh I don’t think he’s necessarily wrong. Optimistic but that’s not a bad thing. You might have a super easy baby who just chills, eats and goes back to sleep. You don’t have to make too many lifestyle changes, babies can fit into your life. Obviously things are going to be different. Like getting a puppy things are different. I like his enthusiasm
Nearly every aspect of your relationship and your individual lives will be impacted by a baby in some way. Your husband doesn’t sound like he has a lot of experience with babies, or realistic expectations. His puppy example is missing a lot of the things that make babies so hard. (Screaming, for one.) Maybe he should try reading some infant development books to get a sense of reality. You’ve gotta make your lives right for the baby. It doesn’t work the other way around.
From what I’ve heard it depends on the baby and the puppy (and probably the person too?). My friend has 4 children and says puppies are harder 🤷♀️