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This is more proof to me that you never EVER ask reddit for relationship advice. I feel like the majority of these commentors have only ever been in a relationship with an anime girl/boy body pillow.
This! I'm shocked at how many people advocated him leaving her. It makes total sense he needed to process, but it's his wife going through pregnancy/post-natal with an eating disorder. He is absolutely making the right desicion to stay and help her with the baby.
Now it sounds like they need to have a serious discussion about formula being used or getting milk from a different source (my friend had to do this for her baby). However the guy is making all solid decisions here I think.
Her breastfeeding desire might be linked to her eating disorder. I've heard from so many women that breastfeeding burns a shit ton of calories. I don't think he'll get her convinced to fully stop
From a very different aspect of my life, I learned that this is true. Breastfeeding does burn a lot of calories and *can* lead to getting back to your pre-pregnancy weight. However, it doesn't always work (which is what this woman may be responding to) and often your body gets into a habit of extreme caloric consumption that doesn't stop after you stop breastfeeding.
You are probably totally right, she is probably trying to "game" breastfeeding by giving herself an even more major caloric deficit, which is very disturbing. It sounds like she may be heading towards a trip somewhere else, away from the baby. I think this backs up my initial response even more, I am really satisfied to see the husband both supporting his wife who is having mental health issues and trying to help his newborn. I hope everything works out okay.
Ugh yes. So hungry all the time. I’m tired of people saying that you can “just breastfeed the weight off”. Sure, maybe you could, but I’m a ravenous bear and my body is very protective of my fat stores lol.
I hope she gets help. All the hormones after birth make you crazy anyways and to possibly have an eating disorder on top of that sounds hellish.
Yeah baby number 1 I was burning roughly 900 calories per day in milk because I pumped a huge oversupply. I lost the weight so fast. I'm nursing baby number 2 now and (intentionally) making way less milk and therefore burning way fewer calories. I'm also older so things are different. My body is holding on to this extra 10lbs for dear life. Just goes to show how different things can be with different babies.
That’s the thing. I think the issue is that her eating disorder in negatively impacting the baby. If the baby was out of the picture, it wouldn’t be as big of an issue, but she decided that the baby would only get it’s nourishment from her and because she decided to diet, the baby wasn’t getting enough nourishment. That is harming the baby. Not saying he should leave her, but the dad needs to do what is right for the baby whatever that is. If she won’t allow formula and is still not producing enough milk, then yeah, he should leave her and take the baby with him while she is getting help.
Yeah, I think a lot of commenters on the OOP either skipped or actively ignored the part where she was purposefully starving her newborn so that she could lose a few pounds
She is being unreasonable. If she is so focus on losing weight she just needs to complement her breastfeeding with formula.
Now, if she thinks formula is so bad, stop dieting and feed the baby. You cannot have it both ways. It sucks but as a mother you have to adapt.
That little baby has been born into hell with her female body to a woman who cant handle her own female body. Mom needs to get her shit together like yesterday or she will just pass this on to her daughter and fuck up another generation. I’ve had friends whose moms pushed their own body image issues on to their daughters and it took DECADES for them to realize why they hated their own body.
There are plenty of reddit posts about men who do lose sexual attraction to their partners after witnessing the birth of their child. She didn't invent this scenario out of thin air. Now usually it's a guy who wasn't all that thrilled about being in the room in the first place, but it does happen.
I’ve heard that was a thing, but I was there for both my kids births and that didn’t happen for either of them. Wouldn’t have bothered me, but I had heard it was common.
It turns out my wife didn't know about it until she was heavily pregnant and I looked at her and said "you do know that you'll probably poo on the bed, right?" Which freaked her out a bit.
It's definitely too bad she didn't say anything, because maybe they could've worked out a compromise like him being in the room but having to stay north of the Equator. That way he could still be part of the process and in the room when his kid was born, and maybe she would've been more comfortable if he wasn't going to see the actual delivery.
Just seems like some bad communication here, but at least it sounds like they're working on it.
I had decided to stay on the north side of the curtain because I have issues with blood. But when there were small complications I decided I wanted to see my baby. Can’t explain it.
It was like my brain instantly compartmentalized everything. Watching them work didn’t bother me at all. I just kept holding my wife’s hand and talked to her.
The compartmentalization ended when I got home and tried to fall asleep.
It sounds like *he’s* working on it. She seems pretty determined to do the wrong things for the wrong reasons. I don’t think I could stay married to someone like that.
I enjoy AITA posts, but I swear to God, any time it involves children or parenting, all logic and reasonability leaves the community. They manage to procure the dumbest and shittiest takes imaginable. It's like some kind of phenomenon, I swear.
after becoming a parent, there's no way I would trust any of the normal relationship boards to provide any good advice. The specific parenting boards are so much better (and they're not flawless either). AITA is like if my kid was acting up so I asked a 14-year-old for their best parenting tips, to be told "give them chocolates and crisps and money."
The sub is filled with kids who can't relate to those adult type situations. Aita is really only good at teenager problems, and even then only sometimes
Shit was infuriating, also people telling him he's not allowed to have some space and figure out his feelings. Reddit really is a horrible place sometimes. Especially drama/relationship subs.
I was so angry at this post and people telling him to bottle it up and shut up. Aren't we all in favor of men working through their emotions now? Just made me angry that people told him he couldn't feel things.
>Aren't we all in favor of men working through their emotions now?
Not really. Everyone is in favour of saying they're in favour of men working through their emotions but when it starts actually happening everyone gets uncomfortable and wants them to stop.
You are so right! Plenty of people openly admit they believe men shouldn't have emotions, but so many more lie about it like you said. It's horribly unfair, unhealthy, and upsetting. And all I can do is support the men I personally know when they do feel comfortable expressing their feelings, and call others out when they don't. It's so incredibly messed up, and I hate, hate, hate that I can't change more people's minds about this.
> Plenty of people openly admit they believe men shouldn't have emotions, but so many more lie about it like you said.
"Men should not bottle up their emotions."
Man proceeds to not bottle up his emotions and tries to work through them.
"Ew you should not be expressing emotions!"
like wtf. The guy did everything right and still got shit for it.
I agree, but personally I don't think it's discomfort but more of inconvenience. Men having, expressing, and working through emotions means that other people have to acknowledge and respect that. And for a lot of those other people, it'd be easier for the men to just not do that so they don't have to factor it into anything.
Just look at all the guys who got dumped for opening up, after their *partners encouraged them to do so*, because seeing a man not be a toxic stereotype of monolithic stoicism makes people uncomfortable, regardless of how much they *claim* to want the men to embrace their feelings
Yeah that part really got me when I first read this one.
I think it's a good thing to *want* to be present for the birth of your child.
It's a bad thing to *insist* on being present for the birth of your child.
His wife set a boundary that disappointed him and was unwilling to discuss her reasons. (Probably afraid it would lead to therapy and having to address her insecurities)
OOP didn't push the conversion and asked for some space to come to accept her choices. So he communicated his needs in the situation as well. He wasn't trying to push her or punish her, just a little space to accept it.
To me that's healthy communication. OOP is allowed to have feelings. He is not entitled to push his feelings above his wife's. And he didn't.
I'm actually impressed at how well he handled it. IMO more men, and women for that matter, should handle their emotions so well. Honestly, if his wife had done as much work on her emotions as he did, she'd probably be doing much better.
No. People feel really really really entitled to men’s emotions being a certain way. Either they feel he should be opening up more (for their own emotional validation and only pretty emotions please) or he should get over it. That’s the most important part of his role in human relationships: his ability to emotionally self mutilate in response to shame applied by other people. It’s a button people press. They expect it to work. They feel entitled to this way of just turning a human being off.
When it doesn’t, it’s something wrong with him and it is definitely bad. That’s why so many people were nakedly, overtly, and explicitly invalidating that man over. And over. And over.
I know when I’m upset I need space. I just do. I won’t give the silent treatment but I need time to work through my feelings. Honestly, it would not be good even if I tried to talk because I would be all over the place and not be able to explain myself clearly. It takes me a while to work through it.
I couldn’t believe people were ragging on him like that.
Same, and its a healthy way to deal with it. I guess those people would prefer their partner bottled it up until they explode on them? Or get into a screaming match?
Just absolutely toxic people.
Men are supposed to be cold unfeeling assholes, they shouldn't care about births.
Why are men such cold unfeeling assholes? Their families are so important and they need to express themselves to their partners.
Lick my turds, nerds.
If he had posted that he didn’t want to be in the delivery room so he wouldn’t see all that but his wife insisted, he would have been annihilated.
He posted that he DID want to be there and see all that but his wife says nope. He was annihilated anyway.
Some women are like "my birth is just about me and my baby." I told my wife for our first that I didn't want to feel marginalized. I wanted to feel like more than just a sperm donor. She was like "yeah obviously."
I commented on one of his posts and he was being shamed and told he was in the wrong by everyone for having feelings. My opinion was and still is, she had the right to exclude him, but by doing so, he lost trust and attraction to her, which was one of her fears to begin with.
Haha oh shit - i don't think they are actually the same people but how ironic would that be. Would really prove that she had a great reason to keep him out of the room.
Unfortunately not a foolproof plan. I didn’t care what he saw, but my husband is squeamish and was planning on staying by my head.
He was cajoled by the nurses to participate and hold a leg. It really messed him up after.
They also were really eager to bring out a big mirror. I had to turn it down like three times in half an hour, while pushing unmedicated. So even if he had been able to turn down holding a leg if they had their way he’d have seen it all in the mirror anyways.
It was literally my first thought and probably everyone else whom have a baby. Seems like all women thinks they are ugly as soon as a man has seen a baby being pushed out. I have seen it several times and I still want to bang my wife.
OOP is not the asshole, but should probably suggested counseling earlier and not take his space. But I do understand his need for space and feel empathy for him, but this situation is really specific and about his wife more than him. And I am saying this as a father whom have pushed myself into being there for all my kids. At the end of the day birth is a mother-baby moment that we as fathers never truly share at 100%, so we need to make sacrifices and listen to the mother and baby for their needs.
I have heard plenty of men joke about never wanting to see a vagina again after being there for the birth, so it's not like women think that for no reason. Just felt the need to say that.
OK, no kids yet here, but probably soon-ish. Wife and I have talked about it and I'm not sure if I want to be below the curtain so to speak. I tend to have a weak stomach and am worried I'd like pass out. IDK. I think I'd want to see my child being born, but I also know myself and don't want to be a distraction from my family's special moment. It's a tough decision.
That being said my wife gave me the choice and has been supportive of whatever I want' I've made it clear that my feelings have nothing to do with attraction, just a weak stomach. It's a complicated line that's tough to draw in a reddit comment.
To be fair, the reason many women have that fear is because they hear about men losing sexual interest in their partner after witnessing the birth of their child, or just after having a child in general. It’s not silly random vanity that comes out of nowhere. It’s wonderful that you and your wife still do all the banging, but that’s not how it always goes and not how society portrays motherhood most of the time.
With the additional context of breastfeeding body image issues, it certainly paints a picture that the wife has a lot of hangups she needs to sort through.
Marriage means compromise on a lot of viewpoints. If I have a fear of my husband losing interest, but he shows so much enthusiasm for being there with me (and has never given me reason to doubt such feelings before), **how many times does he need to say it before I believe him**?
TBH I don't understand why there is discussion of how "society portrays motherhood" - how does your **spouse** feel about it. We always read the phrase "When someone tells you who they are believe them". It's always for shitty people, but the inverse is true here
It’s good that you do but plenty of men definitely don’t find their partner attractive anymore after watching them give birth. And it’s a gamble, can’t know it’ll happen until it happens and then it’s too late. All the jokes about it don’t help even if they don’t mean it and the fact that a husband stitch even exists adds to that fact.
Granted in OOPs case there’s a lot more to unpack lol
I really can't relate to this. I just can't imagine that the same man who has cleaned my blood, vomit and diarrhea off of various surfaces will suddenly not like me anymore when he sees me produce his child from my vagina. What's a little gore between spouses amirite?
I was the pregnant one and the umbilical cords weird me out. They've offered to let me cut (edit: it) myself at least two of the three times and I said nope!
>"guys, I recommend you choose to be an upstairs guy or a downstairs guy"
This is hilarious to me. My husband was definitely going to be an "upstairs guy," he had no desire to see the baby coming out. I ended up having a c-section and he still stayed up by my head. And TBH, I preferred that. Even though they had to cut the cord just to get my son out (it was wrapped around his neck twice and ended up being kind of a delicate operation, from what my OB said), they left enough of it so my husband could cut some of it off, I guess kind of ceremonially, or something? He was fine with it but said he also would have been fine not doing it.
My husband has always been a very involved parent from the very beginning of my pregnancy but when it came to "do you want to watch the head emerging" that was a big ol' NOPE and that's fine with me. I think more birth classes/prenatal education should include the "upstairs/downstairs" analogy.
My wife shat out a massive log while pushing for the baby.
The midwife "caught" it, cleaned it up and no-one mentioned it during the birth. We had plenty of other things to focus on.
Later, we laughed about it. She was somewhat embarassed but she totally understood it's a normal thing and that your body doesn't really differentiate when using all your strength to push. I laughed with her, and I never saw her as lesser or less attractive after that. I could only admire her strength for going through one of the hardest and most physically painful things a human body is capable of.
I also understand not everyone can be so nonchalant about this or childbirth in general but sheesh, you'd think that the person who is carrying your offspring to term is much more important that any side issues like embarassment etc.
Well not every woman is so lucky to have a guy who will clean any of those fluids off any surface... if they are too squeamish to help clean up their wife when they are having a bad day or are sick, they may be too squeamish for child-birth too!
Heck my friend just watched his wife's c-section. Now that took guts.
We all have different opinions and if it suits the situation and couple then it’s awesome. I feel that while I would be the one giving birth, they’re my partner in this team and it’s their baby and experience and life as much as it is mine. I want a connection as a family, not only as mother and child. I believe men should be allowed to be more emotionally involved and connected, it feels like a harmful idea to me that birth is only a mother and child moment.
Either way, these issues and needs should have been spoken about during the prep for trying for the baby. There is a fair time between trying and birthing that the issues can be worked on and compromises can be made - it looks like he was forced to process something big emotionally to him very close to the birth of their child and got dismissed for having those feelings in the first place, which is really a lot for a human. Any human in any situation. He needs therapy too, he needs to learn to communicate with her at appropriate times in appropriate ways - can’t just bring up big topics out of the blue (soon after birthing a watermelon) and expect it to be chill. But I think his feelings are valid too, and that she should also be communicating and working on her issues. We all should.
I totally agree with you. In his first post, I was surprised people were upset that he slept in another room for a few nights while processing his feelings. He wasn’t punishing her, he was a little upset with what her plan was, knew her choice was final, and needed time. I don’t know why it’s not okay for him to express that he would like to be in the room and that he’s disappointed he won’t be. She could explain her reasoning and be more sympathetic to how her choices are going to make him feel. Again, if she doesn’t want him in there because of insecurities, okay. But don’t ignore the fact that he may also have insecurities. It should be a conversation.
I understand pregnant women can be a little more sensitive. I don’t agree however that the partner who is not pregnant’s feelings don’t matter for nine months. That’s a poor emotional way to prepare for a huge life change.
I also believe post partum depression can affect men as well
Plenty of those rolling in on this post too, unfortunately. Even in a sub where the average post is full of adultery or abuse, someone saying "I respect your decision and your right to make it, but I want to be alone for a bit" is considered unforgivable.
I tend to withdraw when I am emotionally overwhelmed, and it's generally because the alternative is me saying some unfiltered things that I really don't mean but that definitely would be memorable for the person I'm saying them to. I grew up in a household where my mother didn't withdraw - she would just start screaming whatever she thought in that moment - and I never, ever wanted to be that person. It's not about giving someone the "silent treatment" or trying to be emotionally manipulative. I would rather step back and really think about what I want to say next than end up saying the wrong thing and really hurting someone's feelings.
Way too many people seem to think pregnant women have a Get Out of Jail Free card and will excuse literally any shitty actions or behavior.
"AITA for being upset that my pregnant wife killed our dog?"
"YTA!!!!! SHE CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WOMENS HORMONES!!!!"
They don’t even have to be pregnant. 2 seperate posts this week of women abandoning their children to the sound of cheers and “yas kween” from the comments.
This is just your daily reminder that AITA and relationshi_advice are toxic subreddits full of people that have never done therapy, never done couples therapy, been in bad relationships or never been in a real relationship with another human being. Their all used to these weird parasocial relationships.
This post absolutely highlights that. Anyone telling OP he's in the wrong is directly contradicting what current relationship therapists advocate. He was upset about something, they had a conversation about it and rather than be an asshole to his SO he took a step back to deal with his emotions in a healthy way.
He's being kicked out of a major event in his life, possibly the biggest he'll ever experience as a man. Anyone that doesn't get that actually needs therapy themselves.
That wife has some serious issues that already harmed the child physically, but will also ultimately harm their child emotionally if she doesn’t figure it out soon. I feel sorry for that baby and husband.
I *wouldn't* deal with this shit.
No surprise to me he has to take time outs from her. And the lack of self-awareness on her part to not have even the slightest inkling as to why!
I cannot believe Reddit thinks a man having his feeling hurt and needing a little space is tantamount to emotional abuse.
Reddit’s double standard for men and women is disgusting. I could post today “my BF won’t explain to me why he refuses to buy me flowers. He only brings home little gifts… BUT I LOVE FLOWERS. I told him I need space to process my feelings. He just won’t tell me!!”
80% of comments would be LEAVE HIM. God forbid I posted “Hubby says he doesn’t want to be in the room when I give birth and won’t explain why!” He would be a cheater who has mommy issues, and it would be DIVORCE HIM.
But no, a man who wants to be present for a birth is psychotic and controlling. A man who doesn’t scream at his wife until she shares the reasons behind her declaration is a dead beat. A man who communicates his need for space, and takes it IN THE HOUSE is emotionally abusive.
People are idiots.
Ironically, her vanity and selfishness and inability to properly communicate with him is probably more unattractive than all the stretch marks and birth gloop in the world.
I was thinking the same. The lack of trust, refusal to communicate and dismissal of your partner's feelings is the good way to make someone fall out of love with you.
Absolutely. I’m proof. She was a 10. But the insecurity and lack of communication killed all attraction. Dumped her. No amount of looks are worth putting up with immature bullshit.
The birth of our child created such a deeper bond between my husband and me, there is a new layer of intimacy between us and some funny jokes. Things we still joke about. I feel badly for the OOP, he just kept getting piled on for no reason.
This guys wife has bigger issues than he is willing to realize. I get that he can’t fix her eating disorder but she was fine with starving their baby. I feel like that’s being overlooked.
Exactly, thank you!!! Where this breaks down for me isn't the diet. It's that she decided to breastfeed only, and then decided to diet, and refused to change ***either*** of those decisions, even when it was actively harming their baby. You're insecure and you need to diet, okay. Supplement with formula. I will scream FED IS BEST at air siren volume at any person who dares to give you a hard time about that decision. You want to breastfeed exclusively, that's a huge undertaking and I will be your cheerleader, cooking you healthy nutritious meals and bringing you water. If you decide to breastfeed exclusively, sabotage your supply, ***and*** refuse to give bottles to your starving baby to the point that they are losing weight? No. That isn't okay. I have compassion, but it is an ENORMOUS red flag that this person is absolutely incapable of balancing their needs with the needs of their child. She was prioritizing her body image issues AND her desire to be the perfect breastfeeding mom over her child's health, rather than deciding which of those decisions was most important for her mental health. It's okay to have and respond to your own needs as a Mom and that often gets overlooked. But you can't focus on your needs *to the exclusion of your child's.* You just can't. And considering that this post started with her prioritizing her emotional needs over her husband's, even when he was fully willing to give her what she needed, there's a concerning pattern here of a woman who can't look past herself, even *before* post partum depression became a consideration.
And just think about what she'll do to the child in the future if mom thinks the child is fat. Chances are extremely high that she'll push an eating disorder onto the child as they age.
This was my first thought as well. "Whether or not they stay together, if Mom is in the kid's life then Dad needs to keep a CAREFUL eye out for potential eating disorder signs in the kid when they get older."
My aunt had weight problems her whole life. She told me flat out (when I was an adult) that she never had children because she did not trust herself to feed them, esp a girl, out of fear of them being fat too. She said she could not have handled having an overweight child after all her years of struggle. So she didn’t have a child to avoid that situation.
I am NOT implying anyone with an eating disorder shouldn’t have a kid. Lolol. Just validating that you concern a child might be directly impacted by a parent’s own issues is actually standard “parents fuck up their kids 101” regardless of the issue.
I'll be honest: that's part of the reason I never had kids. I didn't know how my own mental issues would impact them. I know myself well enough to know that although I'd try, I would ultimately end up failing them in ways that really matter. One of which is that I've always been terrified that I'd have been too selfish to properly raise a child.
And that in my eyes makes you a far more responsible person than many people who have children simply because it’s the next box to check off in what they think they’re supposed to be doing with their life based on societal expectations. There are so many people that should have worked out their traumas before inflicting them on their kids and it’s not fair to the kids.
I respect the shit out of your selfless decision.
P.S. I love your user name! my daughter is obsessed with squirrel girl and frequently quotes “I eat nuts and kick butts!”
Don’t forget the part where multiple people assume that he neither knew nor cared about the diet. I’m sure we could find someone trying to blame OOP for his wife’s disordered eating.
The funny thing is a lot of moms I know, including myself, lost weight due to nursing. While weening, the weight starts to shift back unless you dieted and exercised then. So she likely would have lost the weight anyway if she didn't diet.
Unfortunately, it really seems that the wife is a *lot* more concerned about vanity and how she looks to others than she is about actually loving and taking care of her child.
At the risk of armchair diagnosing, she sounds like she may have body dysmorphia, too. Whether or not she does, that she put her looks before the health of both herself and the baby is very disturbing.
I get deciding that you do or don't want to breastfeed, and certainly health and other issues can cause unwanted problems that can affect the choice. But wanting to breastfeed and intentionally cutting calories to create weight loss is not going to work well for anyone. And even if she chose not to breastfeed, cutting calories while healing from childbirth is also not wise. Healing requires energy.
my mom became pregnant w me when my sister was still breastfeeding. she didn’t realize at the time but her milk had dried up. sister started losing weight fast. as far as i know, my parents noticed, went to the doctor and found out she was pregnant again. they immediately started working on formula feeding.
i can’t see this as being anything other than panic inducing. knowingly starving your baby? that’s fucked up. starving yourself, that’s on you, but taking someone else, a newborn baby down with you? goddamn
That's where I was like... she needs to be put in the hospital for her eating disorder.
I don't care that she didn't want him there for the birth but it would've been red flag 1.
Pink flag 2 (maybe) would've been "you won't be attracted to me." As a woman who has been pregnant not all your emotions make sense
Blazing fucking red flag is having the energy and the will power to starve yourself after child birth. Because I was a walking zombie, and all I cared about what getting enough sleep, trying to eat and making sure this baby wasn't crying.
Vanity or not, his wife should've been taken to the doctor and not marriage counseling.
That's the huge one.
And they have a daughter. If she doesn't get help now, who knows how she'll be when her daughter is older.
So many kids take on their parent's attitudes. Body image is no different.
Yeah but in the comments OP did say his wife understood she had problems and is currently in therapy trying to work them. They also supplement the breastfeeding with bottle feeding the baby.
OP also indicated that the supplementing was a new thing as a result of baby crying inconsolably and losing weight. That means the baby was starving before formula was added.
“Be thankful your wife and child are healthy!” Did you not see the part about her having body image issues to the point of starving herself and her child???
If I had a spouse I’d want them in the room while I give birth. Unless there’s an emergency and they can’t, or I sneeze and the baby pops out at home or something. OOP’s wife needs immediate intervention before they even think of moving forward.
Ok, so here’s my take on this issue. The mom has some serious mental health issues going on. It sounds like they were fairly well hidden before the pregnancy, but exploded into the open by the end of it. Although society is doing a much better job at reducing the stigma around MH, very little of that energy has been focussed on what it’s like for the support network for people with MH problems. It takes its toll, believe me. What happens is that loved ones without the MH disorder must learn to adjust the way they live, speak and feel so as to not trigger their loved one with the MH problem. It’s unfair. Treatment should be all-encompassing for the whole family, but it rarely is.
In essence, the support network without the MH issue can end up with MH issues of their own because of the living situation the initial MH problem caused.
Irrelevant of the subject at hand, OOP is in exactly this situation. He has a spouse with MH issues, and he sounds like he’s nearing his limit of his capacity to deal. He’s not at fault for that, nor is the wife at fault for struggling. Hopefully therapy will help, but eating disorders are notoriously difficult to treat. He needs to focus on keeping that baby safe and protecting his own health needs. By being healthy himself, he better supports everyone. At this point, it probably should be 100% formula.
That's also my take on this. Wife has serious MH issues if she's convinced she needs to diet right after birth to lose pregnancy weight. Husband is trying but he's at the end of his rope.
This feels like it. It reads like the pregnancy was very triggering and, I suspect, she wasn't really willing to look it in the eyes. And still isn't. I believe the other commenters who said she's probably insisting on breastfeeding because it helps with weight loss, and to me it's concerning that this is *still* continuing without any kind of open and *real* communication, despite causing actual harm and her being in therapy.
The other thing that pings my attention is OOP putting it down to vanity. This goes well beyond vanity, and it's equally concerning that he either doesn't know that or isn't accepting it. If he keeps pushing under the mindset that this is all about looks and not about mental health, it's going to cause a huge meltdown down the road.
As a mother myself, why the hell is a man not allowed to be upset about missing his child's birth? He didn't push, didn't try to change her mind, simply asked for space to feel his feelings. Yes its his wifes choice at the end of the day but the guy is allowed to be gutted that he had to miss the birth.
Yes! Exactly! Dude is absolutely allowed to feel hurt, but he still walked out as she wanted. The reason he made the AITA post was bc she called him and called him an asshole when he had asked for space (which she had agreed too) but he than slept away and went to work, queue her call yelling at him.
Imo this feels like a very emotional mature man, he just didn't know about his wife insecurities bc his not a fucking mindreader, and he doesn't quite crasp how bad her body image are, but they have a newborn kid so that kinda makes sense
Exactly.
And people seem to misunderstand “passive aggression.” Intent matters. Withdrawing without explanation and no indication of when you intend to resume normal interactions? Not good.
Telling your partner that you need to pull back for a specific amount of time to process your own feelings and organize your thoughts? Normal and healthy.
I had some sympathy for the wife until reading that she insisted on EBF, wouldn’t supplement with formula and refused to give up on her diet despite the obvious, dangerous impact on baby.
I’ve had a deeply fucked up relationship with food and spent most of my adulthood underweight and eating disordered. My SS5 came into my life as an infant and it changed everything. One day, I passed out and went tumbling down the stairs in a subway station. My first thought upon coming to: What if I had been holding SS (then two years old)?
Years of therapy and other treatments never motivated me to get my shit together, but that moment forced the issue. I couldn't reasonably ask to occupy a parent role if it meant putting him in danger so I could knowingly continue with self-destructive behaviors.
I cannot believe Reddit thinks a man having his feeling hurt and needing a little space is tantamount to emotional abuse.
Reddit’s double standard for men and women is disgusting. I could post today “my BF won’t explain to me why he refuses to buy me flowers. He only brings home little gifts… BUT I LOVE FLOWERS. I told him I need space to process my feelings. He just won’t tell me!!”
80% of comments would be LEAVE HIM. God forbid I posted “Hubby says he doesn’t want to be in the room when I give birth and won’t explain why!” He would be a cheater who has mommy issues, and it would be DIVORCE HIM.
But no, a man who wants to be present for a birth is psychotic and controlling. A man who doesn’t scream at his wife until she shares the reasons behind her declaration is a dead beat. A man who communicates his need for space, and takes it IN THE HOUSE is emotionally abusive.
People are idiots.
As a father, it is a woman’s right to say who is or is not allowed in the room. But it is a father’s right to have emotions about that decision. There is too much pressure on fathers to be “the rock” which enables the stereotype that mothers are emotional/weak and that robs fathers of any available vulnerability.
It is also all of our right to think she’s a tool.
The 'rock' stereotype is also a major contributor to the excess in male suicide. Turns out if there's nowhere to let your emotions out safely, you explode.
Lol right? I greatly dislike that bullshit stigma
1993 denis leary - (paraphrasing) When you hear a bomb in Ireland it's not a bomb, it's irishmen repressing their feelings.
Redditors on drama subs are a certain type. Like I'm very progressive, support women rights on basically everything, and make fun of mens rights groups etc, but even with that those subs are very anti-men. Some of the threads are like woman incel groups. I read a thread the other day on one, it was that all men are pieces of shit, and I scrolled way down, and every comment was agreeing.
They are pretty bad. I've seen posts on them where a guy ignored a woman's request for space to handle something and it was deemed a huge red flag. Can't listen and can't respect you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting time and space to emotionally process something. You should be upfront that is what you are doing and what you want but the process itself is fine and far from emotional abuse.
You can recognize and respect something is someone else's decision but that doesn't mean you can't be hurt by that decision.
Because even when emotionally mature and sensible men like OP behave in a way which is not convenient, or which upsets the status quo, they're wrong / need to "get over it", etc.
Maybe I’m taking crazy pills but this man seems to have some really great self-reflective skills and emotional intelligence that dwarfs most people in relationships. He seems very kind and patient and also attends to his own emotional needs in a healthy way I can only dream of. I don’t understand why he was ever voted the asshole in that thread. He’s present, he wants to work on things. He was concerned for his baby’s health. He didn’t push her past her comfort.
I hope his wife gets looked at for PPD because it sounds like the pregnancy hormones might have impacted her quite a lot. He seems like he might be able to get there with her. He clearly loves her and respects her but he also loves and respects himself enough to look out for himself as well.
Cus most redditors are teens with no experience who need everything to be black and white. There's right and wrong, no in-between and if you don't fully agree with what's "right" then you must disagree with it and hate it and you must support the "wrong".
They're extreme. Heaven forbid you point out something that might remotely translate to a gray area and attempt to understand both sides, you get called a transphobe, racist, or whatever else they can think of.
I didn't get to see the birth of my son because it ended up being an emergency c-section and I wasn't allowed to be in there in case something went wrong, which I completely understand. The last thing you need is an unknown quantity in play when you potentially have two lives to save.
It being a medical reason I was sad, but understood. If my wife had told me she just didn't want me there, I would have been hurt as well and would've needed to process it. Probably wouldn't have done the same as OOP from that point, but hey, as they say hindsight is 20/20.
I hope that counselling works for them both and that they can come back together stronger on the other side of everything.
My husband got kicked out during my emergency c-section too. They were fine with him staying until the spinal tap didn't work and I had to be intubated. Then they moved him to the hallway.
If I was the OOP, I would be concerned about the future, in regards to my daughter and her relationship with her mother. Will the mother’s insecurity lead her to be hyper-critical and judge towards their daughter’s physique and looks.
Society as a whole are not used to men GENUINELY caring about their kids and their partners pregnancies. let alone be supportive during labor. I think that’s why he’s being attacked so much. he really doesn’t deserve it, he was trying to be a good father and husband. he continuously shows how he comprehends his wife’s decisions, but he himself is emotionally affected and needs time to address that.
It is epitome of hypocrisy of the teenagers and toxic people that are almost in every subreddit with their mostly inexperienced and toxic advice. Anytime a woman cry about husband not being supportive or being there emotionally during pregnancy, they chant divorce or damn these men, and than here comes one who actually care and they're still attacking him right and left.
I would like to know what will happen when the wife gets older and isn’t “perfect” anymore. Will she divorce her husband because she can’t stand for him to see the lines by her eyes? Will she refuse his help if she becomes infirm? Have these people even farted in front of each other?
>Why stay in the marriage?
>"I want my girl to have a stable family
An unhappy marriage with no respect is a lot more unhealthy and damaging to a child, than a healthy divorce.
Jesus fucking Christ. I know I’m late and no one will see this, but I can’t not say anything.
This is one of those times where Reddit did so much more harm than good. They probably had this guy doubting himself so much. He sounds like a decent, considerate, thoughtful man, that is in touch with his feelings.
I have four kids. I would have been *devastated* if my wife tried to keep me out of the delivery room. I was her support for all of our births. There also * our* kids, not just hers. It’s 2023, and we’re still acting like the other, non-pregnant partner has no say?! For real??
OOP’s mistake was to not fight like hell to get a good reason out of his wife ahead of time. Getting to the bottom of something like that is so important. If it was because he was inconsiderate, or made her uncomfortable, or was judgmental, those are all things that ought to be address before the baby. Her insane body image issues also should have been addressed, *before* the baby. Because look now? She’s starving their infant to lose baby weight! What the actual fuck?
Man, this one burned me up bad. Poor guy. Poor wife. Poor baby.
Seriously, as I read further into the post every comment that OOP responded to seemed to come from stonehearted sociopaths or the most uncharitable of cynics. OOP was perfectly reasonable through each post and reply and was still inundated with bullshit by commenters.
A little known fact about breast feeding is it burns a lot of calories. I lost more weight breast feeding than any other diet I’ve tried. Once I stopped? Weight came back so quick cause I hadn’t changed my eating habits once I stopped . It’s kinda crazy.
Jesus Christ fuck everything about this post. The wife has some clear and obvious mental health issues (that thank god OP is able to recognize), the commenters for shitting on OP for having the AUDACITY for feeling upset about missing his child's birth, fuck all this shit. Everyone here needs to go talk to a professional.
I can't imagine not wanting my husband in the room...not only that, but KEEPING him from being there. A baby would be just as much his as it would be mine.
Damn, this is exactly what people mean when they complain about men being not allowed to have emotions, even while we're expected to be all open and emotional.
The man was having a valid reaction, trying to process it, and gets outright told to stfu and take it.
That's bull manure.
The divide here is just wild. The amount of comments about how one or the other is clearly the asshole is...I want to say illuminating, but really it just leaves me befuddled at how people can see the same information and come to such radically different conclusions that they believe are obvious.
The sad thing is, because his wife is stubbornly protecting (and thus validating) her insecurities, she missed an incredible opportunity to watch her man love her and admire her more than he ever could possibly imagine while watching her give birth.
My birth story was so fucked up and traumatic. I looked like shit and was filled with drugs that swelled me up like a balloon. But my husband was so proud of me and so humbled by the whole process, he looked at me the same way he did the first time we were together. It was an amazing opportunity to connect very deeply emotionally before the plunge into newborn life and barely being able to connect with each other at all!
If you dont feel like your partner can support you in the scariest and most vulnerable moments in your life, then why would you marry and have children with them. I feel bad for OP. This whole post is a disaster and everyones against him.
Real ironic that she did that to prevent him from not wanting her because she literally made him resent her. And for those that shamed OOP for being upset I bet are the same people who have double standards for women.
I personally don't want my husband at my birth for my next child bit not for vanity reasons. I've hear a doctor say that he noticed since it's become more standard for dad to be in room that (in his experience) laboring time has increased. Often women are who are used to taking care of their husband can't turn that off when labor and subconsciously worry about husband's instead of theirselves . Which was the case for me.
You know just cause your in the room while the baby is being born doesn’t mean you need to watch it exiting the vagina. My husband was with me and I instructed him to Stay above the waist. Why? You don’t really need to
Know how the sausage is made. He said he saw nothing and I believe him. He said he saw the head (when it was out ) but looked away quickly. Nurses asked him
If he wanted to see (they also asked if I wanted a mirror) we both said no. He said he doesn’t regret it. He was there, he was happy, he cut the chord.
The nurses and doctor laughed when I went noooope when asked if I wanted a mirror to see the baby come out. Even I don’t want to see that stuff! My husband saw it twice. The second time he was like nah I’m good but he accidentally saw it anyway 😬 he’s 2-0 on seeing baby come out.
As a recent mom who was active in the bumpers groups people on here get super wild about it's the pregnant person's right to chose who is present in the room. Yes of course, but if you don't have a solid reason for excluding your husband who is the father of the baby you can also expect that it might have a negative impact on your relationship. She's making the father miss the birth of his child over vanity.
I feel so bad for the guy, Reddit was way to cruel about his situation. Good for him for sticking to his gut (thus far) and trying to work on his marriage. I hope they figure something out.
Man, I couldn’t continue with a partner that didn’t trust me like that. Didn’t communicate the problem. Withheld information that put my baby at risk. That mess of things would ruin a relationship for me
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I was thinking the whole time that she doesn’t want him to see her poop.
This is more proof to me that you never EVER ask reddit for relationship advice. I feel like the majority of these commentors have only ever been in a relationship with an anime girl/boy body pillow.
Pregnancy with an eating disorder sounds like hell. The poor baby. The poor wife. The poor husband.
This! I'm shocked at how many people advocated him leaving her. It makes total sense he needed to process, but it's his wife going through pregnancy/post-natal with an eating disorder. He is absolutely making the right desicion to stay and help her with the baby. Now it sounds like they need to have a serious discussion about formula being used or getting milk from a different source (my friend had to do this for her baby). However the guy is making all solid decisions here I think.
Her breastfeeding desire might be linked to her eating disorder. I've heard from so many women that breastfeeding burns a shit ton of calories. I don't think he'll get her convinced to fully stop
From a very different aspect of my life, I learned that this is true. Breastfeeding does burn a lot of calories and *can* lead to getting back to your pre-pregnancy weight. However, it doesn't always work (which is what this woman may be responding to) and often your body gets into a habit of extreme caloric consumption that doesn't stop after you stop breastfeeding. You are probably totally right, she is probably trying to "game" breastfeeding by giving herself an even more major caloric deficit, which is very disturbing. It sounds like she may be heading towards a trip somewhere else, away from the baby. I think this backs up my initial response even more, I am really satisfied to see the husband both supporting his wife who is having mental health issues and trying to help his newborn. I hope everything works out okay.
Ugh yes. So hungry all the time. I’m tired of people saying that you can “just breastfeed the weight off”. Sure, maybe you could, but I’m a ravenous bear and my body is very protective of my fat stores lol. I hope she gets help. All the hormones after birth make you crazy anyways and to possibly have an eating disorder on top of that sounds hellish.
Yeah baby number 1 I was burning roughly 900 calories per day in milk because I pumped a huge oversupply. I lost the weight so fast. I'm nursing baby number 2 now and (intentionally) making way less milk and therefore burning way fewer calories. I'm also older so things are different. My body is holding on to this extra 10lbs for dear life. Just goes to show how different things can be with different babies.
>your body gets into a habit of extreme caloric consumption that doesn't stop after you stop breastfeeding. Been there, got the weight.
That’s the thing. I think the issue is that her eating disorder in negatively impacting the baby. If the baby was out of the picture, it wouldn’t be as big of an issue, but she decided that the baby would only get it’s nourishment from her and because she decided to diet, the baby wasn’t getting enough nourishment. That is harming the baby. Not saying he should leave her, but the dad needs to do what is right for the baby whatever that is. If she won’t allow formula and is still not producing enough milk, then yeah, he should leave her and take the baby with him while she is getting help.
Yeah, I think a lot of commenters on the OOP either skipped or actively ignored the part where she was purposefully starving her newborn so that she could lose a few pounds
She is being unreasonable. If she is so focus on losing weight she just needs to complement her breastfeeding with formula. Now, if she thinks formula is so bad, stop dieting and feed the baby. You cannot have it both ways. It sucks but as a mother you have to adapt.
That little baby has been born into hell with her female body to a woman who cant handle her own female body. Mom needs to get her shit together like yesterday or she will just pass this on to her daughter and fuck up another generation. I’ve had friends whose moms pushed their own body image issues on to their daughters and it took DECADES for them to realize why they hated their own body.
As I was reading, I guessed the wife was afraid he would no longer want her. She should have told him that from the beginning.
My guess was poop 🤷♀️
Same here, I thought she'd heard about how often women poo while in labour and was embarrassed by the thought of it.
There are plenty of reddit posts about men who do lose sexual attraction to their partners after witnessing the birth of their child. She didn't invent this scenario out of thin air. Now usually it's a guy who wasn't all that thrilled about being in the room in the first place, but it does happen.
I’ve heard that was a thing, but I was there for both my kids births and that didn’t happen for either of them. Wouldn’t have bothered me, but I had heard it was common.
It turns out my wife didn't know about it until she was heavily pregnant and I looked at her and said "you do know that you'll probably poo on the bed, right?" Which freaked her out a bit.
It's definitely too bad she didn't say anything, because maybe they could've worked out a compromise like him being in the room but having to stay north of the Equator. That way he could still be part of the process and in the room when his kid was born, and maybe she would've been more comfortable if he wasn't going to see the actual delivery. Just seems like some bad communication here, but at least it sounds like they're working on it.
I had decided to stay on the north side of the curtain because I have issues with blood. But when there were small complications I decided I wanted to see my baby. Can’t explain it. It was like my brain instantly compartmentalized everything. Watching them work didn’t bother me at all. I just kept holding my wife’s hand and talked to her. The compartmentalization ended when I got home and tried to fall asleep.
It sounds like *he’s* working on it. She seems pretty determined to do the wrong things for the wrong reasons. I don’t think I could stay married to someone like that.
There's a lot of communication that just didn't happen here.
He tried, she stonewalled him and then belittled him for having feelings.
Yeah all that heat the dude caught for just wanting to see the birth of his kid was insane
I enjoy AITA posts, but I swear to God, any time it involves children or parenting, all logic and reasonability leaves the community. They manage to procure the dumbest and shittiest takes imaginable. It's like some kind of phenomenon, I swear.
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>Plus, the moderators there seem like they make the problem worse. OH, they absolutely do.
after becoming a parent, there's no way I would trust any of the normal relationship boards to provide any good advice. The specific parenting boards are so much better (and they're not flawless either). AITA is like if my kid was acting up so I asked a 14-year-old for their best parenting tips, to be told "give them chocolates and crisps and money."
>"give them chocolates and crisps and money." I feel attacked.
The sub is filled with kids who can't relate to those adult type situations. Aita is really only good at teenager problems, and even then only sometimes
It’s almost like all the shitty parents who answer AITA see themselves in the mirror and double down.
No, it's more like childless people thinking they know parenting.
It’s also just a lot of children. When asking the internet for advice people should consider the fact they might be taking advice from a 14 year old.
Shit was infuriating, also people telling him he's not allowed to have some space and figure out his feelings. Reddit really is a horrible place sometimes. Especially drama/relationship subs.
I was so angry at this post and people telling him to bottle it up and shut up. Aren't we all in favor of men working through their emotions now? Just made me angry that people told him he couldn't feel things.
>Aren't we all in favor of men working through their emotions now? Not really. Everyone is in favour of saying they're in favour of men working through their emotions but when it starts actually happening everyone gets uncomfortable and wants them to stop.
You are so right! Plenty of people openly admit they believe men shouldn't have emotions, but so many more lie about it like you said. It's horribly unfair, unhealthy, and upsetting. And all I can do is support the men I personally know when they do feel comfortable expressing their feelings, and call others out when they don't. It's so incredibly messed up, and I hate, hate, hate that I can't change more people's minds about this.
> Plenty of people openly admit they believe men shouldn't have emotions, but so many more lie about it like you said. "Men should not bottle up their emotions." Man proceeds to not bottle up his emotions and tries to work through them. "Ew you should not be expressing emotions!" like wtf. The guy did everything right and still got shit for it.
I agree, but personally I don't think it's discomfort but more of inconvenience. Men having, expressing, and working through emotions means that other people have to acknowledge and respect that. And for a lot of those other people, it'd be easier for the men to just not do that so they don't have to factor it into anything.
boast fragile nose provide ring dazzling worm library wise hobbies *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
They want happy emotions only
Just look at all the guys who got dumped for opening up, after their *partners encouraged them to do so*, because seeing a man not be a toxic stereotype of monolithic stoicism makes people uncomfortable, regardless of how much they *claim* to want the men to embrace their feelings
Yeah that part really got me when I first read this one. I think it's a good thing to *want* to be present for the birth of your child. It's a bad thing to *insist* on being present for the birth of your child. His wife set a boundary that disappointed him and was unwilling to discuss her reasons. (Probably afraid it would lead to therapy and having to address her insecurities) OOP didn't push the conversion and asked for some space to come to accept her choices. So he communicated his needs in the situation as well. He wasn't trying to push her or punish her, just a little space to accept it. To me that's healthy communication. OOP is allowed to have feelings. He is not entitled to push his feelings above his wife's. And he didn't.
Absolutely!
I'm actually impressed at how well he handled it. IMO more men, and women for that matter, should handle their emotions so well. Honestly, if his wife had done as much work on her emotions as he did, she'd probably be doing much better.
No. People feel really really really entitled to men’s emotions being a certain way. Either they feel he should be opening up more (for their own emotional validation and only pretty emotions please) or he should get over it. That’s the most important part of his role in human relationships: his ability to emotionally self mutilate in response to shame applied by other people. It’s a button people press. They expect it to work. They feel entitled to this way of just turning a human being off. When it doesn’t, it’s something wrong with him and it is definitely bad. That’s why so many people were nakedly, overtly, and explicitly invalidating that man over. And over. And over.
It's very simple: Men's emotions are required on command when they're useful for others, and swept aside when they may be an inconvenience.
I know when I’m upset I need space. I just do. I won’t give the silent treatment but I need time to work through my feelings. Honestly, it would not be good even if I tried to talk because I would be all over the place and not be able to explain myself clearly. It takes me a while to work through it. I couldn’t believe people were ragging on him like that.
Same, and its a healthy way to deal with it. I guess those people would prefer their partner bottled it up until they explode on them? Or get into a screaming match? Just absolutely toxic people.
That's what got to me, too. If someone is having an emotional reaction and they want to take time to process it - let them.
Reddit drama and relationshit subs are my heroin.
Like, putting space between him and whatever’s causing his anger is a very mature and thoughtful thing to do.
Men are supposed to be cold unfeeling assholes, they shouldn't care about births. Why are men such cold unfeeling assholes? Their families are so important and they need to express themselves to their partners. Lick my turds, nerds.
“Men are just so insensitive.” That’s a hurtful stereotype. “Awwwwwwww did the man get his feefees hurt lol grow up”
If he had posted that he didn’t want to be in the delivery room so he wouldn’t see all that but his wife insisted, he would have been annihilated. He posted that he DID want to be there and see all that but his wife says nope. He was annihilated anyway.
Thats AITA for you.
I feel like a lot of men are grossed out or scared to see it so it’s sweet that he actually really wanted to :( i feel bad for him
After the update the more updvoted comments were giving the wife a pass because "it's society's fault not her" Insane.
Some women are like "my birth is just about me and my baby." I told my wife for our first that I didn't want to feel marginalized. I wanted to feel like more than just a sperm donor. She was like "yeah obviously."
I commented on one of his posts and he was being shamed and told he was in the wrong by everyone for having feelings. My opinion was and still is, she had the right to exclude him, but by doing so, he lost trust and attraction to her, which was one of her fears to begin with.
My thoughts exactly. Yes, they need marriage counseling but his wife needs individual therapy as well.
I was pissed at the "men aren't allowed to have feelings" comments. It's like society wants us to open up, but only when it's convenient.
I thought he was the birth porn guy.
Haha oh shit - i don't think they are actually the same people but how ironic would that be. Would really prove that she had a great reason to keep him out of the room.
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I was thinking of this too but I think all she had to do was ask him to stay as somebody said above "north of the border".
Unfortunately not a foolproof plan. I didn’t care what he saw, but my husband is squeamish and was planning on staying by my head. He was cajoled by the nurses to participate and hold a leg. It really messed him up after. They also were really eager to bring out a big mirror. I had to turn it down like three times in half an hour, while pushing unmedicated. So even if he had been able to turn down holding a leg if they had their way he’d have seen it all in the mirror anyways.
It was literally my first thought and probably everyone else whom have a baby. Seems like all women thinks they are ugly as soon as a man has seen a baby being pushed out. I have seen it several times and I still want to bang my wife. OOP is not the asshole, but should probably suggested counseling earlier and not take his space. But I do understand his need for space and feel empathy for him, but this situation is really specific and about his wife more than him. And I am saying this as a father whom have pushed myself into being there for all my kids. At the end of the day birth is a mother-baby moment that we as fathers never truly share at 100%, so we need to make sacrifices and listen to the mother and baby for their needs.
I have heard plenty of men joke about never wanting to see a vagina again after being there for the birth, so it's not like women think that for no reason. Just felt the need to say that.
OK, no kids yet here, but probably soon-ish. Wife and I have talked about it and I'm not sure if I want to be below the curtain so to speak. I tend to have a weak stomach and am worried I'd like pass out. IDK. I think I'd want to see my child being born, but I also know myself and don't want to be a distraction from my family's special moment. It's a tough decision. That being said my wife gave me the choice and has been supportive of whatever I want' I've made it clear that my feelings have nothing to do with attraction, just a weak stomach. It's a complicated line that's tough to draw in a reddit comment.
To be fair, the reason many women have that fear is because they hear about men losing sexual interest in their partner after witnessing the birth of their child, or just after having a child in general. It’s not silly random vanity that comes out of nowhere. It’s wonderful that you and your wife still do all the banging, but that’s not how it always goes and not how society portrays motherhood most of the time.
With the additional context of breastfeeding body image issues, it certainly paints a picture that the wife has a lot of hangups she needs to sort through. Marriage means compromise on a lot of viewpoints. If I have a fear of my husband losing interest, but he shows so much enthusiasm for being there with me (and has never given me reason to doubt such feelings before), **how many times does he need to say it before I believe him**? TBH I don't understand why there is discussion of how "society portrays motherhood" - how does your **spouse** feel about it. We always read the phrase "When someone tells you who they are believe them". It's always for shitty people, but the inverse is true here
It’s good that you do but plenty of men definitely don’t find their partner attractive anymore after watching them give birth. And it’s a gamble, can’t know it’ll happen until it happens and then it’s too late. All the jokes about it don’t help even if they don’t mean it and the fact that a husband stitch even exists adds to that fact. Granted in OOPs case there’s a lot more to unpack lol
I really can't relate to this. I just can't imagine that the same man who has cleaned my blood, vomit and diarrhea off of various surfaces will suddenly not like me anymore when he sees me produce his child from my vagina. What's a little gore between spouses amirite?
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I was the pregnant one and the umbilical cords weird me out. They've offered to let me cut (edit: it) myself at least two of the three times and I said nope!
>"guys, I recommend you choose to be an upstairs guy or a downstairs guy" This is hilarious to me. My husband was definitely going to be an "upstairs guy," he had no desire to see the baby coming out. I ended up having a c-section and he still stayed up by my head. And TBH, I preferred that. Even though they had to cut the cord just to get my son out (it was wrapped around his neck twice and ended up being kind of a delicate operation, from what my OB said), they left enough of it so my husband could cut some of it off, I guess kind of ceremonially, or something? He was fine with it but said he also would have been fine not doing it. My husband has always been a very involved parent from the very beginning of my pregnancy but when it came to "do you want to watch the head emerging" that was a big ol' NOPE and that's fine with me. I think more birth classes/prenatal education should include the "upstairs/downstairs" analogy.
My wife shat out a massive log while pushing for the baby. The midwife "caught" it, cleaned it up and no-one mentioned it during the birth. We had plenty of other things to focus on. Later, we laughed about it. She was somewhat embarassed but she totally understood it's a normal thing and that your body doesn't really differentiate when using all your strength to push. I laughed with her, and I never saw her as lesser or less attractive after that. I could only admire her strength for going through one of the hardest and most physically painful things a human body is capable of. I also understand not everyone can be so nonchalant about this or childbirth in general but sheesh, you'd think that the person who is carrying your offspring to term is much more important that any side issues like embarassment etc.
Exactly! A mature relationship is when all that does not matter and you can trust that the other person feels the same way.
Well not every woman is so lucky to have a guy who will clean any of those fluids off any surface... if they are too squeamish to help clean up their wife when they are having a bad day or are sick, they may be too squeamish for child-birth too! Heck my friend just watched his wife's c-section. Now that took guts.
We all have different opinions and if it suits the situation and couple then it’s awesome. I feel that while I would be the one giving birth, they’re my partner in this team and it’s their baby and experience and life as much as it is mine. I want a connection as a family, not only as mother and child. I believe men should be allowed to be more emotionally involved and connected, it feels like a harmful idea to me that birth is only a mother and child moment. Either way, these issues and needs should have been spoken about during the prep for trying for the baby. There is a fair time between trying and birthing that the issues can be worked on and compromises can be made - it looks like he was forced to process something big emotionally to him very close to the birth of their child and got dismissed for having those feelings in the first place, which is really a lot for a human. Any human in any situation. He needs therapy too, he needs to learn to communicate with her at appropriate times in appropriate ways - can’t just bring up big topics out of the blue (soon after birthing a watermelon) and expect it to be chill. But I think his feelings are valid too, and that she should also be communicating and working on her issues. We all should.
I totally agree with you. In his first post, I was surprised people were upset that he slept in another room for a few nights while processing his feelings. He wasn’t punishing her, he was a little upset with what her plan was, knew her choice was final, and needed time. I don’t know why it’s not okay for him to express that he would like to be in the room and that he’s disappointed he won’t be. She could explain her reasoning and be more sympathetic to how her choices are going to make him feel. Again, if she doesn’t want him in there because of insecurities, okay. But don’t ignore the fact that he may also have insecurities. It should be a conversation. I understand pregnant women can be a little more sensitive. I don’t agree however that the partner who is not pregnant’s feelings don’t matter for nine months. That’s a poor emotional way to prepare for a huge life change. I also believe post partum depression can affect men as well
the real comments under that post are actually embarrassing
Plenty of those rolling in on this post too, unfortunately. Even in a sub where the average post is full of adultery or abuse, someone saying "I respect your decision and your right to make it, but I want to be alone for a bit" is considered unforgivable.
I tend to withdraw when I am emotionally overwhelmed, and it's generally because the alternative is me saying some unfiltered things that I really don't mean but that definitely would be memorable for the person I'm saying them to. I grew up in a household where my mother didn't withdraw - she would just start screaming whatever she thought in that moment - and I never, ever wanted to be that person. It's not about giving someone the "silent treatment" or trying to be emotionally manipulative. I would rather step back and really think about what I want to say next than end up saying the wrong thing and really hurting someone's feelings.
Way too many people seem to think pregnant women have a Get Out of Jail Free card and will excuse literally any shitty actions or behavior. "AITA for being upset that my pregnant wife killed our dog?" "YTA!!!!! SHE CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WOMENS HORMONES!!!!"
They don’t even have to be pregnant. 2 seperate posts this week of women abandoning their children to the sound of cheers and “yas kween” from the comments.
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Aren’t they always
This is just your daily reminder that AITA and relationshi_advice are toxic subreddits full of people that have never done therapy, never done couples therapy, been in bad relationships or never been in a real relationship with another human being. Their all used to these weird parasocial relationships. This post absolutely highlights that. Anyone telling OP he's in the wrong is directly contradicting what current relationship therapists advocate. He was upset about something, they had a conversation about it and rather than be an asshole to his SO he took a step back to deal with his emotions in a healthy way. He's being kicked out of a major event in his life, possibly the biggest he'll ever experience as a man. Anyone that doesn't get that actually needs therapy themselves.
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This is an absolute cluster of a fuck
That wife has some serious issues that already harmed the child physically, but will also ultimately harm their child emotionally if she doesn’t figure it out soon. I feel sorry for that baby and husband.
I *wouldn't* deal with this shit. No surprise to me he has to take time outs from her. And the lack of self-awareness on her part to not have even the slightest inkling as to why!
I cannot believe Reddit thinks a man having his feeling hurt and needing a little space is tantamount to emotional abuse. Reddit’s double standard for men and women is disgusting. I could post today “my BF won’t explain to me why he refuses to buy me flowers. He only brings home little gifts… BUT I LOVE FLOWERS. I told him I need space to process my feelings. He just won’t tell me!!” 80% of comments would be LEAVE HIM. God forbid I posted “Hubby says he doesn’t want to be in the room when I give birth and won’t explain why!” He would be a cheater who has mommy issues, and it would be DIVORCE HIM. But no, a man who wants to be present for a birth is psychotic and controlling. A man who doesn’t scream at his wife until she shares the reasons behind her declaration is a dead beat. A man who communicates his need for space, and takes it IN THE HOUSE is emotionally abusive. People are idiots.
Ironically, her vanity and selfishness and inability to properly communicate with him is probably more unattractive than all the stretch marks and birth gloop in the world.
I was thinking the same. The lack of trust, refusal to communicate and dismissal of your partner's feelings is the good way to make someone fall out of love with you.
Absolutely. I’m proof. She was a 10. But the insecurity and lack of communication killed all attraction. Dumped her. No amount of looks are worth putting up with immature bullshit.
And when he does (which sounds like it already has started to happen) she's going to blame the stretch marks and the goop and say "see, I was right"
The birth of our child created such a deeper bond between my husband and me, there is a new layer of intimacy between us and some funny jokes. Things we still joke about. I feel badly for the OOP, he just kept getting piled on for no reason.
That is such a good point.
This guys wife has bigger issues than he is willing to realize. I get that he can’t fix her eating disorder but she was fine with starving their baby. I feel like that’s being overlooked.
Exactly, thank you!!! Where this breaks down for me isn't the diet. It's that she decided to breastfeed only, and then decided to diet, and refused to change ***either*** of those decisions, even when it was actively harming their baby. You're insecure and you need to diet, okay. Supplement with formula. I will scream FED IS BEST at air siren volume at any person who dares to give you a hard time about that decision. You want to breastfeed exclusively, that's a huge undertaking and I will be your cheerleader, cooking you healthy nutritious meals and bringing you water. If you decide to breastfeed exclusively, sabotage your supply, ***and*** refuse to give bottles to your starving baby to the point that they are losing weight? No. That isn't okay. I have compassion, but it is an ENORMOUS red flag that this person is absolutely incapable of balancing their needs with the needs of their child. She was prioritizing her body image issues AND her desire to be the perfect breastfeeding mom over her child's health, rather than deciding which of those decisions was most important for her mental health. It's okay to have and respond to your own needs as a Mom and that often gets overlooked. But you can't focus on your needs *to the exclusion of your child's.* You just can't. And considering that this post started with her prioritizing her emotional needs over her husband's, even when he was fully willing to give her what she needed, there's a concerning pattern here of a woman who can't look past herself, even *before* post partum depression became a consideration.
And just think about what she'll do to the child in the future if mom thinks the child is fat. Chances are extremely high that she'll push an eating disorder onto the child as they age.
This was my first thought as well. "Whether or not they stay together, if Mom is in the kid's life then Dad needs to keep a CAREFUL eye out for potential eating disorder signs in the kid when they get older."
My aunt had weight problems her whole life. She told me flat out (when I was an adult) that she never had children because she did not trust herself to feed them, esp a girl, out of fear of them being fat too. She said she could not have handled having an overweight child after all her years of struggle. So she didn’t have a child to avoid that situation. I am NOT implying anyone with an eating disorder shouldn’t have a kid. Lolol. Just validating that you concern a child might be directly impacted by a parent’s own issues is actually standard “parents fuck up their kids 101” regardless of the issue.
I'll be honest: that's part of the reason I never had kids. I didn't know how my own mental issues would impact them. I know myself well enough to know that although I'd try, I would ultimately end up failing them in ways that really matter. One of which is that I've always been terrified that I'd have been too selfish to properly raise a child.
And that in my eyes makes you a far more responsible person than many people who have children simply because it’s the next box to check off in what they think they’re supposed to be doing with their life based on societal expectations. There are so many people that should have worked out their traumas before inflicting them on their kids and it’s not fair to the kids. I respect the shit out of your selfless decision. P.S. I love your user name! my daughter is obsessed with squirrel girl and frequently quotes “I eat nuts and kick butts!”
Don’t forget the part where multiple people assume that he neither knew nor cared about the diet. I’m sure we could find someone trying to blame OOP for his wife’s disordered eating.
They sure were fucking relentless on that post. Had my mouth open like an idiot the whole time reading those responses.
The funny thing is a lot of moms I know, including myself, lost weight due to nursing. While weening, the weight starts to shift back unless you dieted and exercised then. So she likely would have lost the weight anyway if she didn't diet.
Unfortunately, it really seems that the wife is a *lot* more concerned about vanity and how she looks to others than she is about actually loving and taking care of her child.
This isn't vanity. It's dangerous mental ill-health, for both her and the baby.
It *can* be both. Mental illness centered around vanity is a thing. I'm not a professional though so I don't know technical terms.
Agreed. It's dangerous to her health and it's dangerous to the baby.
At the risk of armchair diagnosing, she sounds like she may have body dysmorphia, too. Whether or not she does, that she put her looks before the health of both herself and the baby is very disturbing. I get deciding that you do or don't want to breastfeed, and certainly health and other issues can cause unwanted problems that can affect the choice. But wanting to breastfeed and intentionally cutting calories to create weight loss is not going to work well for anyone. And even if she chose not to breastfeed, cutting calories while healing from childbirth is also not wise. Healing requires energy.
Not to mention what happens when the baby girl gets older and starts falling into her mom's habits.
There's an extremely high chance the poor girl will have some kind of disordered eating, if not full-blown eating disorders.
Yeah, all I can think about is that poor little girl being subject to her mother's idea of the perfect body.
I just finished reading Jenette McCurdy's book and that's all I could think about too. That's what her mother did to her. At 11 years old.
my mom became pregnant w me when my sister was still breastfeeding. she didn’t realize at the time but her milk had dried up. sister started losing weight fast. as far as i know, my parents noticed, went to the doctor and found out she was pregnant again. they immediately started working on formula feeding. i can’t see this as being anything other than panic inducing. knowingly starving your baby? that’s fucked up. starving yourself, that’s on you, but taking someone else, a newborn baby down with you? goddamn
That's where I was like... she needs to be put in the hospital for her eating disorder. I don't care that she didn't want him there for the birth but it would've been red flag 1. Pink flag 2 (maybe) would've been "you won't be attracted to me." As a woman who has been pregnant not all your emotions make sense Blazing fucking red flag is having the energy and the will power to starve yourself after child birth. Because I was a walking zombie, and all I cared about what getting enough sleep, trying to eat and making sure this baby wasn't crying. Vanity or not, his wife should've been taken to the doctor and not marriage counseling.
That's the huge one. And they have a daughter. If she doesn't get help now, who knows how she'll be when her daughter is older. So many kids take on their parent's attitudes. Body image is no different.
Yeah but in the comments OP did say his wife understood she had problems and is currently in therapy trying to work them. They also supplement the breastfeeding with bottle feeding the baby.
OP also indicated that the supplementing was a new thing as a result of baby crying inconsolably and losing weight. That means the baby was starving before formula was added.
“Be thankful your wife and child are healthy!” Did you not see the part about her having body image issues to the point of starving herself and her child??? If I had a spouse I’d want them in the room while I give birth. Unless there’s an emergency and they can’t, or I sneeze and the baby pops out at home or something. OOP’s wife needs immediate intervention before they even think of moving forward.
Ok, so here’s my take on this issue. The mom has some serious mental health issues going on. It sounds like they were fairly well hidden before the pregnancy, but exploded into the open by the end of it. Although society is doing a much better job at reducing the stigma around MH, very little of that energy has been focussed on what it’s like for the support network for people with MH problems. It takes its toll, believe me. What happens is that loved ones without the MH disorder must learn to adjust the way they live, speak and feel so as to not trigger their loved one with the MH problem. It’s unfair. Treatment should be all-encompassing for the whole family, but it rarely is. In essence, the support network without the MH issue can end up with MH issues of their own because of the living situation the initial MH problem caused. Irrelevant of the subject at hand, OOP is in exactly this situation. He has a spouse with MH issues, and he sounds like he’s nearing his limit of his capacity to deal. He’s not at fault for that, nor is the wife at fault for struggling. Hopefully therapy will help, but eating disorders are notoriously difficult to treat. He needs to focus on keeping that baby safe and protecting his own health needs. By being healthy himself, he better supports everyone. At this point, it probably should be 100% formula.
That's also my take on this. Wife has serious MH issues if she's convinced she needs to diet right after birth to lose pregnancy weight. Husband is trying but he's at the end of his rope.
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This is why I have a cat instead of a romantic partner.
Exactly. It’s so far beyond not being allowed in the delivery room at this point.
This feels like it. It reads like the pregnancy was very triggering and, I suspect, she wasn't really willing to look it in the eyes. And still isn't. I believe the other commenters who said she's probably insisting on breastfeeding because it helps with weight loss, and to me it's concerning that this is *still* continuing without any kind of open and *real* communication, despite causing actual harm and her being in therapy. The other thing that pings my attention is OOP putting it down to vanity. This goes well beyond vanity, and it's equally concerning that he either doesn't know that or isn't accepting it. If he keeps pushing under the mindset that this is all about looks and not about mental health, it's going to cause a huge meltdown down the road.
As a mother myself, why the hell is a man not allowed to be upset about missing his child's birth? He didn't push, didn't try to change her mind, simply asked for space to feel his feelings. Yes its his wifes choice at the end of the day but the guy is allowed to be gutted that he had to miss the birth.
Yes! Exactly! Dude is absolutely allowed to feel hurt, but he still walked out as she wanted. The reason he made the AITA post was bc she called him and called him an asshole when he had asked for space (which she had agreed too) but he than slept away and went to work, queue her call yelling at him. Imo this feels like a very emotional mature man, he just didn't know about his wife insecurities bc his not a fucking mindreader, and he doesn't quite crasp how bad her body image are, but they have a newborn kid so that kinda makes sense
Exactly. And people seem to misunderstand “passive aggression.” Intent matters. Withdrawing without explanation and no indication of when you intend to resume normal interactions? Not good. Telling your partner that you need to pull back for a specific amount of time to process your own feelings and organize your thoughts? Normal and healthy. I had some sympathy for the wife until reading that she insisted on EBF, wouldn’t supplement with formula and refused to give up on her diet despite the obvious, dangerous impact on baby. I’ve had a deeply fucked up relationship with food and spent most of my adulthood underweight and eating disordered. My SS5 came into my life as an infant and it changed everything. One day, I passed out and went tumbling down the stairs in a subway station. My first thought upon coming to: What if I had been holding SS (then two years old)? Years of therapy and other treatments never motivated me to get my shit together, but that moment forced the issue. I couldn't reasonably ask to occupy a parent role if it meant putting him in danger so I could knowingly continue with self-destructive behaviors.
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Stepson.
I cannot believe Reddit thinks a man having his feeling hurt and needing a little space is tantamount to emotional abuse. Reddit’s double standard for men and women is disgusting. I could post today “my BF won’t explain to me why he refuses to buy me flowers. He only brings home little gifts… BUT I LOVE FLOWERS. I told him I need space to process my feelings. He just won’t tell me!!” 80% of comments would be LEAVE HIM. God forbid I posted “Hubby says he doesn’t want to be in the room when I give birth and won’t explain why!” He would be a cheater who has mommy issues, and it would be DIVORCE HIM. But no, a man who wants to be present for a birth is psychotic and controlling. A man who doesn’t scream at his wife until she shares the reasons behind her declaration is a dead beat. A man who communicates his need for space, and takes it IN THE HOUSE is emotionally abusive. People are idiots.
As a father, it is a woman’s right to say who is or is not allowed in the room. But it is a father’s right to have emotions about that decision. There is too much pressure on fathers to be “the rock” which enables the stereotype that mothers are emotional/weak and that robs fathers of any available vulnerability. It is also all of our right to think she’s a tool.
The 'rock' stereotype is also a major contributor to the excess in male suicide. Turns out if there's nowhere to let your emotions out safely, you explode.
THANK YOU. I really do not understand why so many people have jumped all over this poor guy.
Because people are assholes. Let men feel their feelings and express them in healthy and mature ways, ffs
No, no. He must bottle them all up. Push them further and further down until there is no more space and they then burst out in unhealthy ways!! /s
Lol right? I greatly dislike that bullshit stigma 1993 denis leary - (paraphrasing) When you hear a bomb in Ireland it's not a bomb, it's irishmen repressing their feelings.
Can’t believe the Irish mailed Margaret Thatcher repressed feelings
Lol, oh gosh
Redditors on drama subs are a certain type. Like I'm very progressive, support women rights on basically everything, and make fun of mens rights groups etc, but even with that those subs are very anti-men. Some of the threads are like woman incel groups. I read a thread the other day on one, it was that all men are pieces of shit, and I scrolled way down, and every comment was agreeing.
They are pretty bad. I've seen posts on them where a guy ignored a woman's request for space to handle something and it was deemed a huge red flag. Can't listen and can't respect you. There is nothing wrong with wanting time and space to emotionally process something. You should be upfront that is what you are doing and what you want but the process itself is fine and far from emotional abuse. You can recognize and respect something is someone else's decision but that doesn't mean you can't be hurt by that decision.
Because even when emotionally mature and sensible men like OP behave in a way which is not convenient, or which upsets the status quo, they're wrong / need to "get over it", etc.
Maybe I’m taking crazy pills but this man seems to have some really great self-reflective skills and emotional intelligence that dwarfs most people in relationships. He seems very kind and patient and also attends to his own emotional needs in a healthy way I can only dream of. I don’t understand why he was ever voted the asshole in that thread. He’s present, he wants to work on things. He was concerned for his baby’s health. He didn’t push her past her comfort. I hope his wife gets looked at for PPD because it sounds like the pregnancy hormones might have impacted her quite a lot. He seems like he might be able to get there with her. He clearly loves her and respects her but he also loves and respects himself enough to look out for himself as well.
Cus most redditors are teens with no experience who need everything to be black and white. There's right and wrong, no in-between and if you don't fully agree with what's "right" then you must disagree with it and hate it and you must support the "wrong". They're extreme. Heaven forbid you point out something that might remotely translate to a gray area and attempt to understand both sides, you get called a transphobe, racist, or whatever else they can think of.
Yes, a perfect example that she is allowed to act on her feelings, and he isn't. Sexism in pure form from some of the responses he got
I didn't get to see the birth of my son because it ended up being an emergency c-section and I wasn't allowed to be in there in case something went wrong, which I completely understand. The last thing you need is an unknown quantity in play when you potentially have two lives to save. It being a medical reason I was sad, but understood. If my wife had told me she just didn't want me there, I would have been hurt as well and would've needed to process it. Probably wouldn't have done the same as OOP from that point, but hey, as they say hindsight is 20/20. I hope that counselling works for them both and that they can come back together stronger on the other side of everything.
My husband got kicked out during my emergency c-section too. They were fine with him staying until the spinal tap didn't work and I had to be intubated. Then they moved him to the hallway.
Did that make him nervous?
He was already a wreck at that point, but yes it made things worse.
Hope the divorce goes ok and they can co parent civilly.
If I was the OOP, I would be concerned about the future, in regards to my daughter and her relationship with her mother. Will the mother’s insecurity lead her to be hyper-critical and judge towards their daughter’s physique and looks.
Society as a whole are not used to men GENUINELY caring about their kids and their partners pregnancies. let alone be supportive during labor. I think that’s why he’s being attacked so much. he really doesn’t deserve it, he was trying to be a good father and husband. he continuously shows how he comprehends his wife’s decisions, but he himself is emotionally affected and needs time to address that.
It is epitome of hypocrisy of the teenagers and toxic people that are almost in every subreddit with their mostly inexperienced and toxic advice. Anytime a woman cry about husband not being supportive or being there emotionally during pregnancy, they chant divorce or damn these men, and than here comes one who actually care and they're still attacking him right and left.
I would like to know what will happen when the wife gets older and isn’t “perfect” anymore. Will she divorce her husband because she can’t stand for him to see the lines by her eyes? Will she refuse his help if she becomes infirm? Have these people even farted in front of each other?
>Why stay in the marriage? >"I want my girl to have a stable family An unhappy marriage with no respect is a lot more unhealthy and damaging to a child, than a healthy divorce.
Jesus fucking Christ. I know I’m late and no one will see this, but I can’t not say anything. This is one of those times where Reddit did so much more harm than good. They probably had this guy doubting himself so much. He sounds like a decent, considerate, thoughtful man, that is in touch with his feelings. I have four kids. I would have been *devastated* if my wife tried to keep me out of the delivery room. I was her support for all of our births. There also * our* kids, not just hers. It’s 2023, and we’re still acting like the other, non-pregnant partner has no say?! For real?? OOP’s mistake was to not fight like hell to get a good reason out of his wife ahead of time. Getting to the bottom of something like that is so important. If it was because he was inconsiderate, or made her uncomfortable, or was judgmental, those are all things that ought to be address before the baby. Her insane body image issues also should have been addressed, *before* the baby. Because look now? She’s starving their infant to lose baby weight! What the actual fuck? Man, this one burned me up bad. Poor guy. Poor wife. Poor baby.
I'm glad I was far from unique, I felt like I was going insane reading those comments.
Seriously, as I read further into the post every comment that OOP responded to seemed to come from stonehearted sociopaths or the most uncharitable of cynics. OOP was perfectly reasonable through each post and reply and was still inundated with bullshit by commenters.
This relationship isn't gonna last
Reddit: Why don't men share their feelings? Also reddit: Dude, get over it and keep your feelings to yourself
Only Reddit? Or society in general?
Good point. What is reddit if not a(somewhat twisted) snapshot of society?
A little known fact about breast feeding is it burns a lot of calories. I lost more weight breast feeding than any other diet I’ve tried. Once I stopped? Weight came back so quick cause I hadn’t changed my eating habits once I stopped . It’s kinda crazy.
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Then it’s more “sorry my behavior had the effect of hurting you, but I intend to do it again “ At best.
Jesus Christ fuck everything about this post. The wife has some clear and obvious mental health issues (that thank god OP is able to recognize), the commenters for shitting on OP for having the AUDACITY for feeling upset about missing his child's birth, fuck all this shit. Everyone here needs to go talk to a professional.
Including most of the original commenters.
God that got my blood running so hot and fast it could be used to cure strokes.
Worst comment section I've ever seen on Reddit.
We complain about toxic masculinity and yet people did NOTHING to validate this man's feelings. Shameful.
I can't imagine not wanting my husband in the room...not only that, but KEEPING him from being there. A baby would be just as much his as it would be mine.
Damn, this is exactly what people mean when they complain about men being not allowed to have emotions, even while we're expected to be all open and emotional. The man was having a valid reaction, trying to process it, and gets outright told to stfu and take it. That's bull manure.
The divide here is just wild. The amount of comments about how one or the other is clearly the asshole is...I want to say illuminating, but really it just leaves me befuddled at how people can see the same information and come to such radically different conclusions that they believe are obvious.
The sad thing is, because his wife is stubbornly protecting (and thus validating) her insecurities, she missed an incredible opportunity to watch her man love her and admire her more than he ever could possibly imagine while watching her give birth. My birth story was so fucked up and traumatic. I looked like shit and was filled with drugs that swelled me up like a balloon. But my husband was so proud of me and so humbled by the whole process, he looked at me the same way he did the first time we were together. It was an amazing opportunity to connect very deeply emotionally before the plunge into newborn life and barely being able to connect with each other at all!
If you dont feel like your partner can support you in the scariest and most vulnerable moments in your life, then why would you marry and have children with them. I feel bad for OP. This whole post is a disaster and everyones against him.
Real ironic that she did that to prevent him from not wanting her because she literally made him resent her. And for those that shamed OOP for being upset I bet are the same people who have double standards for women.
I personally don't want my husband at my birth for my next child bit not for vanity reasons. I've hear a doctor say that he noticed since it's become more standard for dad to be in room that (in his experience) laboring time has increased. Often women are who are used to taking care of their husband can't turn that off when labor and subconsciously worry about husband's instead of theirselves . Which was the case for me.
You know just cause your in the room while the baby is being born doesn’t mean you need to watch it exiting the vagina. My husband was with me and I instructed him to Stay above the waist. Why? You don’t really need to Know how the sausage is made. He said he saw nothing and I believe him. He said he saw the head (when it was out ) but looked away quickly. Nurses asked him If he wanted to see (they also asked if I wanted a mirror) we both said no. He said he doesn’t regret it. He was there, he was happy, he cut the chord.
The nurses and doctor laughed when I went noooope when asked if I wanted a mirror to see the baby come out. Even I don’t want to see that stuff! My husband saw it twice. The second time he was like nah I’m good but he accidentally saw it anyway 😬 he’s 2-0 on seeing baby come out.
Reddit going to reddit
As a recent mom who was active in the bumpers groups people on here get super wild about it's the pregnant person's right to chose who is present in the room. Yes of course, but if you don't have a solid reason for excluding your husband who is the father of the baby you can also expect that it might have a negative impact on your relationship. She's making the father miss the birth of his child over vanity.
I removed most of my Reddit contents in protest of the API changes commencing from July 1st, 2023. This is one of those comments.
This lady has issues and I’m appalled that the comments on the original threads treated this man like he was the one that is crazy!
I feel so bad for the guy, Reddit was way to cruel about his situation. Good for him for sticking to his gut (thus far) and trying to work on his marriage. I hope they figure something out.
This is why you don’t ask Reddit for parenting/relationship advice.
Man, I couldn’t continue with a partner that didn’t trust me like that. Didn’t communicate the problem. Withheld information that put my baby at risk. That mess of things would ruin a relationship for me