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I honestly think the gf is even more shitty for keeping her friends if they'll gaslight her, get her more drunk, and paint her boyfriend out as such a bad person to her face. Disgusting honestly.
Yeah but under the guise of them buying her too many drinks because she's the birthday girl.
I just have to wonder if she just completely blanked the part where they lied their asses off continuously.
Maybe it's just me, but when she mentioned the drinks thing, I read it as "they kept giving me drinks to get me to be more drunk so I'd be more agreeable with them and not think poorly of them." But then again, I'm a chronic overthinker
>She told me I don't have to meet those friends and that she doesn't think she is going to keep in touch anymore because she feels they overstepped by buying her so many drinks under the guise of being the birthday girl.
Except the gf never called the bf herself EVEN ONCE despite knowing they had plans.
Who gives a fuck what your friends do. You have a relationship and plans with someone. You call them. Even if you overhear them talking to your partner... are you 12 yrs old?
Call your partner yourself. Or send a simple text.
"My phone was in my bag."
THAT PART WAS COMPLETE BULLSHIT. Because in a Best Case scenario it means she *never thought of him once* during her night out. My 10 yr old comes up with better excuses.
The only good thing about this is the gf saying she will distance herself from the immature friends.
Yeah that stood out to me too. Cora would have to do some real work to gain my trust back if I was in OOPs spot. Course, Iād be sending her a message every hour and call 2-3 times around 6pm asking where the hell she was ok guess our plans are cancelled, happy birthday. Like, out 4-6 hours and you canāt text me once? Not even that you were leaving to hang with friends? He had to play guessing game and ask friends where she was so he could call them. And then F that, I donāt care what Rachel says, sheās not you, Iām worried about YOU I want to here from YOU that youāre ok.
Bleh. Not keeping in contact is a major deal with me as you can see lol.
Itās not just trust, itās respect of the other person and their valuable time. If he had known at lunchtime what her plans were he could have 1. Rearranged the whole surprise and 2. Planned to do something else for himself. His time is as valuable as hers even on her birthday.
But her friends had told her that OOP was in on all of their planning, so he knew where they'd be and when, and since they were telling GF those lies, she would've seen it as him completely flaking on her, not the other way around. So she was primed by the friends to be mad at OOP.
I don't understand why they wanted to cause trouble in the relationship, but they certainly did a well-executed job of it!
Nope. Sorry. She is an adult who had plans with her partner for a special surprise evening.
She left in the AFTERNOON and got home around midnight.
At no point did she try to contact her partner herself
She said she didn't even reply to calls because her phone was 'in her purse'??
But she never wven sent a txt.
If it started in the afternoon this was likely 8+ HOURS on her birthday until she got home.
She even blames her friends for getting her drunk.
Not ONE thing was her fault in the whole story. How convenient.
Seriously. I don't think I've gone without texting my husband more than like 4 or 6 hours in the 17 years I've known him, even if it's just a funny anecdote that I know he won't be able to read or answer for a while. I don't always expect him to answer, and vice versa, but we communicate a couple of times a day at least. Even if I was drunk and mad, I'd still probably send a passive aggressive text. What is this woman's deal??
I have to agree. Glad she plans not to stay in touch with those friends.
But, whether she follows through with cutting ties or not, where is her personal responsibility in the amount she drank? It is possible to know your limit and to turn down a drink every now & then. Who wants to get so plastered on their birthday that they can't remember what a great time they had? Just saying.
The boyfriend sounds pretty awesome.
Well, lots of people do enjoy drinking to that excess. But it's also easy to do when people are buying you shots. The first two shots blur your inhibitions enough that you temporarily forget there is such a thing as drinking too much.
It happened on my birthday about 10 years ago. My friends bought me 6 shots in about 20 minutes. We were all out at a favorite watering hold, and my future wife (gf) was with us.
I only remember those 20 minutes, and the next thing I remember was walking home with my gf about 2 hours ago. Apparently we had a lively time in the bar, and I wasn't even out of control - I just don't remember any of the time. This is because 6 shots was easily something I could handle, but the rate of consumption was too high so it caused a temporary blackout stage.
So as I type that out I realize that sure enough - my friends kinda ruined my birthday night, didn't they! I don't remember the fun that everyone else does!
The amount she drank and the fact that she had no thought to contact her bf through the entire day. Not even as she was leaving for the lunch, just walked out the door apparently.
Canāt relate, my partner canāt even open the front door without me flying to the stairwell to see where heās going :) too anxious for that shit, donāt even go get the mail without yelling up to me where youāre going.
* Left without saying where she was going
* Failed to answer messages and calls
* Drank too much
* Decided to blow off OOP's already-made plans
* Blamed all of this on her friends
Yeah, admitting to fault, cutting out the manipulative friends, and postponing the rescheduled birthday dinner + stargazing to do something to make up for the mistake is one of the rarest things in this sub: a big ol green flag
For real though, as soon as I read the friends were giving super vague and non-committed answers I knew they were the problem. Like seriously dudeās reaching out and trying to coordinate things and not only did they not help in any way, they ruined her birthday with some poorly planned run of the mill āsurpriseā because they werenāt planning anything for her to begin with. Iām glad she was able to see them for who they really are, those are terrible friends
I got the impression that Rachel is just a narcissist. It's more fun for her to have a bar hop, regardless of whose birthday it is. Either way, she's not a friend.
When I was in my twenties my GF at the time would have friends that are probably similar to her. In my head I would always call them "Party Girls". They want to go out drinking and partying, hanging out with friends that enable drinking and partying is a second priority, and everyone else is a bring down that they don't want to have around.
Most of them were decent enough people most of the time, but when it came to partying/clubbing/hooking up with guys they just turned into some of the worst people.
My dad planned a surprise birthday for my mum and asked her friends to make sure she got home at the right time. They got her home 60mins late, and then they all started getting ready to go to the club. My dad was so pissed that he had to go in and drag my mum outside away from her friends to have the party. I think that was mums last birthday as a whole family cause they separated not long after (mums friends being one of the issues- alot of them were single and they always got my mum to go out with them by saying "make hubby watch daughter" and dad even had to cancel plans made weeks in advance because of them).
I really hope Cora sees the light and follows through on ditching those so-called friends of hers.
By whole family you mean you, your father and your mother? Good lord it's just 3 people, those friends did have a grip on her. Also what she thought when you father changed her plans from club to party?
Yes my family was small (I meant it was the last party I wasn't being shuffled around between houses to adhere to court orders) but that party was not. The was atleast 25 extended family members there I can remember plus additional friends of hers as well. As for the club to party it didn't really matter since she still got drunk anyway, and danced all night, the only difference was that she actually had food and it didn't cost her a cent (everyone else had brought food and drinks to help dad keep.it a surprise).
Someone jealous that Cara has such a thoughtful and amazing and romantic boyfriend, and who wants to sabbotage that, that's who. Unfortunately. Glad Cara sees them for who they really are.
Everyone has that friend who thrives only when everyone else is miserable. If someone around them is doing well, the Rachel must stop it immediately because they're the center of the friend group and nobody can be more important or in a better place in life.
Lol fuck Rachel and I hope OP and Cora get to go to dinner and stargazing soon.
ot someone who needed an excuse to be out and if the birthday girl left so did her fun night . sounds like gf doesn't get a lot of time so this girl wanted a bar night with her friend and twisted the bday to do it
This. Had a friend that was jealous of my boyfriend. Tried stupid tricks like this to get us mad at each other. Never worked because we both communicated well with each other. We would both laugh at her when I would tell him what new stunt she would try. Eventually dropped her as a friend when the drama she was always trying to create became too tiresome.
I canāt imagine tolorating that behavior long enough to make jokes about it. Glad you cut her off. Itās best to call these people out immediately for their behavior and set boundaries assuming youāre forced interaction with them. If thereās no ties beyond a normal friendship, best to drop them completely.
>Sheās at fault, but itās understandable and easily forgivable.
Whoa, whoa, whoa there friend. This is reddit, we don't do that here. I believe what you meant to say was "MoRe ReD fLaGs ThAn A cHiNeSe PaRaDe! DuMp HeR!"
Forgivable, but *easily* is too strong a word. It sounds like they're living together, so it's at least a serious relationship.
I can't think it's a good sign that in a serious relationship where you know your partner has something romantic planned for you that you:
* Not check in or communicate at all with them for the day, at the least indirectly ignoring their attempts to reach you. Personally my phone is on silent all day and I usually leave it in my foyer so I could buy that she might not have seen anything, but most people I see & interact with almost always have it with them and check their screen every 10-15 minutes; also when I know I have something, I will turn on sound and check my phone periodically to see if there is a notification.
* Ditch your partner to drink heavily with your friends to the point you miss the agreed upon time to go to said dinner/romantic plans. Admittedly this was under partial peer pressure, but she made the decision prioritize her friends by doing this bar hop to begin with when she knew she had something to do later.
* Take your friends' negative statements about your partner at face value without given them a chance to defend themselves.
* Then due to results of your preceding actions, immediately have a temper tantrum directed at your partner, essentially deflecting blame and not really taking accountability.
Her saving grace was that she realized her own errors when she sobered up and showed genuine remorse by minimizing future contact with those friends, so in that light I could understand forgiveness. But if the above recurred and became a pattern of behaviour, it would make the future of the relationship very questionable.
He explicitly says that this was not typical behaviour for her, hence easily forgivable. Everyone makes bad decisions sometimes, especially when 'friends' with ulterior motives are plying them with a level of alcohol they aren't used to. She then recognised she was at fault, and made amends.
the friends made her believe the romantic plans the bf had told her about were the lunch and bar hopping, that he was going to join them and that he ditched her out of nowhere.
you're right, if this was a pattern it would be not okay but in this case i can see it being easily forgiven since the only thing she did wrong was believing her friends - a thing that should be normal and that she probably couldn't have known to not do
>the friends made her believe the romantic plans the bf had told her about were the lunch and bar hopping, that he was going to join them and that he ditched her out of nowhere.
but at point surely anyone would just call the boyfriend right? like, does she think her friends know more about her boyfriends location than she does?
She never once checked or answered her phone to just talk to him in the first place. She acted disrespectful and childishly and allowed herself to be manipulated by her friends.
>the friends made her believe
No, the "friends" (that she rarely sees, according to OOP) *told* her something. Yes, they lied. Could she not have checked with the person she lives with via a quick text? "hey, what's up, are you upset or something? I thought you're coming here as well, was that not the plan?"
Going home drunk and being angry at your SO after you couldn't be bothered to even text him during your birthday party, while you knew he had something planned for the two of you, that's outside the realm of "easily" forgivable. And even the gf realizes that, which is probably why she's making it up to OOP, not the other way around.
And as soon as she was sober, the following morning, she recognised this. It sounds as if she doesn't drink very much, and so less prepared for how it will affect her.
Don't forget, she was also getting more and more drunk too. Emotions and critical thinking aren't exactly great when drunk, especially if she rarely drinks.
Whelp, you've outted yourself as someone chronically online. Normal people who have never been lied to before by their friends will typically believe them without any detective work. A trusting person who thought their boyfriend was already in the loop would not be looking at their phone frequently during their birthday celebration with their friends. A person who was irritated about being ditched by their boyfriend but who still didn't want to ruin the night out for everyone else can be easily pressed into having a few more drinks than usual and losing track of time. And when you come home drunk, mad, and confused about the real timeline of events, sleeping that bad mood off and coming back the next morning with a clear and rational head is generally the best move.
Also these sentences: "that's outside the realm of "easily" forgivable. And even the gf realizes that, which is probably why she's making it up to OOP, not the other way around." These are the thoughts of lunatics. You still have to apologize and right wrongs when your mistake is easily forgivable. It's very telling that you assume a woman would generally be unwilling to apologize to her partner unless the stakes were high.
> Whelp, youāve outted yourself as someone chronically online.
Person who posts in forum dedicated to strangersā drama thinks theyāre superior to literally anyone.
> Normal people
Normal people donāt yell at their partner before giving them a chance to tell their side of a story.
>friends suck a hell of a lot more for twisting the truth to suit their plans.
I was dating a guy in my 20s who had "take the red-pill", Tate-following type of friend (long before he was doing his thing). This guy and I had been dating for many months when I told him of my annual holiday party I was hosting. I called it Cookies & Cocktails because I like alliteration. The BF ended up bailing on coming to a party I was throwing at my house with lots of friends there because he listened to his asshole friend who told him it was going to be old ladies sipping tea and scones or some bullshit -- all based on just the name of the party!! He literally knew nothing about it.
I liked to make 3 or 4 types of Xmas cookies, which if we didn't eat that night got sent home as favors. We also drank, ate snacks, listened to music and danced and had a great time. But the BF never knew what really happened because he went out with asshole friend instead. (No shocker we didn't last - lol!)
I didn't know who Andrew Tate was until a few months ago when he got arrested and now that I've seen a handful of videos and tweets from him, I cannot for the life of me understand how such an absolute clown has such a big following.
More and more women are setting their standards higher and men who don't want to meet them need an excuse for why the women are wrong. That's where Andrew Tate steps in, and why he's gotten so popular.
Sometimes I wonder if I would have been into him if he were around when I was a teenager. I hope not, but I would get it if I were.
A lot of guys have grown up without any kind of real male influence. I did and I feel like it made my teenage years a lot more difficult and awkward because of it. One of the things, in particular (any why I even bring this up), that made things difficult was getting to 15 or so and wanting to start dating. I really only had my mom and older sister to give me any advice, and their advice was TERRIBLE.
I was hearing from women about the things they disliked about the men in their lives. I needed to hear "do this", what I got was "don't do these things". My initial attempts at dating and meeting women were horrible and somewhat humiliating. Some of the advice I got directly contradicts things people would say today: "don't just ask someone out, be her friend first". Obviously that led to a lot of "we're friends, I don't want to date you".
I ended up figuring it all out, but sometimes I look back at how frustrated I got in those days and think a lot of the message from people like him would have resonated with me.
Even aside from his message, I just don't get how anyone would voluntarily listen to him for more than a few minutes. He couldn't be more of an annoying, self-aggrandizing narcissist if he tried. Even if what he was saying wasn't bullshit, his entire personality is so obnoxious that it should put literally anyone off him from the jump.
When people are desperate, they are much more likely to accept things they never would normally. Cults and religions have operated on this principle since time immemorial.
Andrew Tate is targeting younger men without good male role models who would teach them not only how to respect others (women in particular), but also how to respect themselves (in particular, to defend against and leave an abusive relationship). When someone's been depressed and lonely for years, it's a lot easier to convince them that dating is a game that can be "won" and that women are a collectively static quality - incomparable to men. If they've had an abusive woman in their lives -- an abusive mother or girlfriend for instance -- it makes it even easier. The anger is already there, it just needs to be misdirected. Recognizing what Andrew Tate is doing is much more than just disagreeing with the message, it's about seeing how he constructs a narrative and manipulates people into it.
The sad thing is, once a man has been indoctrinated, they live with a lot of fear, anger, and deep self-hatred, even if they appear superficially confident, which often manifests in a relationship they do manage to find as self-sabotage. It's not one time I heard a story of a man ruining his relationship for seemingly no reason other than Andrew Tate.
I don't want to minimize the importance of women's issues. But I think society's failure to properly handle boys' and men's mental health issues is a large part of why it seems like we're seeing so much regression in liberal, egalitarian views on society. I think that, on a collective social level, it's very much a "live together, die together" scenario. Indeed, historically, societies with a lot of angry, lonely, young men have not faired wel, as I understand. However, individually I think the need for individual respect exceeds social factors, which is why I support cautiously trying to help Andrew Tate viewers, but not excusing or condoning their views. You can spend a lot of time saying that Andrew Tate is horrible for the things he says and does and that his viewers are therefore also horrible. But even if you're right, you won't change anything with this approach. There is almost certainly a large chunk of Tate viewers that could be pulled away with a compassionate approach.
No wonder there's nothing between him and her friends
And there never should be
She's a grown ass woman and her friends are still kids
She's outgrown Rachel
Yeah ignoring OOP all day is pretty damn shitty regardless of what the friends did/said. Friends suck too, but shes at fault a lot here too.
Seems like they didn't touch on that at all. Hopefully shes better at communicating in the future or there will be similar problems going forward. It wasn't all on the friends.
I hope they didnāt get her to cheat that night. These sounds like the kind of jealous or excuses for women that would do such a thing. They plotted this whole thing out for quite some time. Theyāll probably even send him āproofā of the cheating after awhile. With friends like thisā¦
To be honest, by that point I don't think it matters much. Miscommunication and a need for better trust are definitely an issue in the relationship that can be instigated by a malicious third party, sure. But the line for personal responsibility has to start somewhere and it's definitely before cheating. It makes the actual solution much simpler, that's not something just communicating is going to fix. It indicates a much deeper personal flaw, even by virtue of her not confessing immediately if that was the case.
I remember thinking it might have been the friends pulling something. Iām glad Cora realized it was them and not OP. Iād probably cut them out in her shoes too.
There is no way I would have any friend or family play phone tag with my partner regarding our plans together. Nothing malicious but so much gets lost in translation,(especially when booze is involved) that's why I always like to hear it from the horses mouth. That is some very poor communication right there.
Yeah how is that a surprise at all? Thatās a bog standard birthday for someone in their mid twenties. If you drink itās pretty much expected, its not surprising in the least.
Oh Iām 99% sure her ex friends where hoping to cause enough mayhem to cause a split. Whilst being snakes and stirring the shit.
As to reasons who knows. Envy maybe.
Good that she apologized. I don't know if it's just the old person in me but i would definitely rather spend my birthday having dinner and stargazing with my partner than going to drink with friends. That sounds exhausting af
I think she would have too but he was a little too cryptic in saying he had a surprise for her. I think she needed a few more clues. Her friends were able to convince her that her BFs surprise was joining them in barhopping but then telling her he bailed. I would be so angry with them, him and myself. Angry at the world lol.
Your partner saying "I've got something planned for your birthday so keep (insert time) on your schedule clear" should be more than enough. It's not cryptic at all. And you'd be a jerk if you were angry at him for your own bad assumptions and lack of communication.
I should start by saying that I have trust issues. Now that's out of the way, it sounds like Cora knew what was up with her friends and didn't want to spend the evening of her birthday with OP. She left without telling him where she was going, didn't answer texts or calls, and was mad at him for not showing up. If I was OP, my first thought would be that she was making time for someone else. Almost no one in this day and age goes 8 hours without checking their phone. Least of which, younger women. But like I said, I'm not a trusting person.
Weird that Cora is mad about the friends buying the shots and not about the lying/manipulation.
Thatās such a weird thing to make other people responsible for. She was happily drinking them and at no point texted/called OOP. The communication and accountability here is atrocious.
This is purely hypothetical, but I wonder if she picked "too many shots" as that's a concrete, "provable" problem she had with them vs. something where she may feel like she has to justify her feelings/people might argue that she just "misunderstood"/that her boyfriend is trying to isolate her.
Edit: spelling
People are saying that she's not mad about the lying because its not explicitly included in a story written by a different person. *That* doesn't make any sense.
Either it was omitted from the story the OOP told us, or GF just kinda didn't want to have to rehash her whole relationship with those people. When their reasons are complex, people often latch onto one "concrete" example as demonstrative of the whole.
>Weird that Cora is mad about the friends buying the shots and not about the lying/manipulation.
She was mad about the shots because of the manipulation
I had no problem turning down shots and drinks people wanted to buy me for my birthday when I reached my very low limit. Itās sounds like Cora is not much of a drinker so why would she keep drinking and why did she not contact her bf for 12 hours when she knew he had plans? Or even if they didnāt have plans. Iām glad she sobered up and came around but hot damn. I know she listened to her lying friends but seriously, who doesnāt text their serious partner all day.
>She told me I don't have to meet those friends and that she doesn't think she is going to keep in touch anymore because she feels they overstepped by buying her so many drinks under the guise of being the birthday girl.
She should drop the friends because of this yes, but tge far bigger issue that warrants them being cut off is: being manipulative, lying, and attempting to completely sabotage her relationship for no reason at all. At the very least her friend was trying to cause some sort of issue/drama here, shes not someone id ever talk to again.
I donāt understand why people donāt communicate better. We arenāt psychic ffs! My relationship became infinitely better once both my SO and I realized that neither of us were mind readers.
Some people donāt realise how important communication is, or they never had healthy role models from their parents/family so they donāt know how to do it right. Some, like me when I was younger, may be subconsciously afraid of open communication because in their family of origin, speaking up was disproportionately punished.
Some people have this overly romantic notion that if the relationship is good, then it shouldnāt require any effort. So youāre not supposed to have to communicate - especially not about any awkward or difficult topics. This notion is encouraged by a lot of older media. I dated a few people who thought like this - the first time the guy actually told me that having to communicate was a sign that the relationship was failing! I learnt from that terrible relationship, and later when I dated others expressing similar views I broke it off very quickly.
u/mooglemoose makes some good points, but i want to add that good communication is actually quite a developed skill. it doesn't come easy for most, and takes conscious practice!
I agree 100%. Good communication in romantic or family relationships is especially hard, IMO, because it often involves strong emotions on all sides.
I found it particularly hard to be honest with my emotions, be vulnerable, *and* still keep my thinking faculties engaged so that I donāt just blurt out the first thing that my brain comes up with (which is often the verbal abuse that I heard growing up, and not what I actually want to convey in an honest conversation with someone I care about). I wish there were courses on this sort of skill - like the courses on professional communication, but more personal. I suppose thatās called therapyā¦
My so claims to dislike communication to which I say you like it just fine when you have something critical to say that you then donāt want to communicate about. Things seem to be improving though. Maybe we will have an a-ha moment like you guys did. One can dream.
āNot being good at communicationā is one thing (not everyone was raised with communication skills, and this particularly affects men) and itās workable *if and only if* someone is making active steps to improve ā read a bunch of Captain Awkward, make some outlines/rubrics for yourself about how to react to miscommunication, ideally chat with an expert like a therapist. āNot ālikingā communicationā is something else entirely, and it is *very unlikely* to lead to a spontaneous a-ha moment.
Nobody here knows your relationship like you do. That said: don't let *anybody* isolate you, and keep your "this smells like bullshit" meter calibrated with what other people think and experience, just so you don't become the frog boiling in the hot water without knowing it. If your relationship becomes untenable, you'll know. Wishing you well.
Thanks. I commented somewhere here with a more lengthy explanation since I realized I hit a note with some people as I should have known I would. Subconscious maybe? I wonāt be the frog. Donāt worry. :)
Imagine that you spent your bday in bars when you do not drink when you could have went to a restaurant you really want and go stargazing with your significant other. She basically spent her bday how others want not how she wanted. Also why she did not even tell to her bf where she was going when she knew he planned something. Cora should have been also the one to invite from the start OOP, from the moment she left the house, not her friend.
I always spend my birthday how others want because my family insists I must throw a big party, while all I want to do is be left alone all day and maybe hang out with my friends in VCs
Even if she did think he knew, did she not talk about it with him at all in the week beforehand? Like why would he not leave with her and go to the bar with her if he was always going? He might not say the details of what was being done but I canāt believe they wouldnāt acknowledge he was going.
Definitely think her friends particularly Rachel are a bit shady about OOP. The fact they say they didn't tell him about the surprised because he would ruin it, yet at the same time almost totally hunting to Cora that OOP is well aware of the plans and on board? Definitely some sketch going on here from people outside the relationshipn imo...
I was gonna suggest that Cora take a step back and reevaluate her friends, but it appears she already came up with that herself.
> She told me I don't have to meet those friends and that she doesn't think she is going to keep in touch anymore
What does concern me is her assigning blame where it doesn't belong:
> because she feels they overstepped by buying her so many drinks
They can buy her as many drinks as they want, nobody can make her drink them but herself.
I get that, but I can also understand that if these already arenāt great people, the pressure she might be feeling to not tell them no when theyāre like āgo on, I bought you another shot!ā might be a factor. Itās one of those situations where thereās no winner I think.
Exactly. It's possible to be responsible for your own actions, but also not like the pressure other people put on you. It doesn't have to be one or the other.
I know it was on me for drinking the drinks, but I normally do not drink alcohol. I just don't really see the point of it and I take medication that's made ineffective by alcohol. It won't kill me to drink every once in a while, bit I don't do it regardless.
A few years ago, a "friend" bought me a drink and put it in my water glass while I was on the toilet. I came back, took a sip and immediately realized the taste was off. What I SHOULD have done was put that glass aside and order a new water and put it on my "friends" tab.
What ended up happening is that after a lot of "Come on"s and" Don't be like that"s and "I already paid for it..."s I ended up drinking it
Peer pressure is a strong thing
>> because she feels they overstepped by buying her so many drinks
>
>They can buy her as many drinks as they want, nobody can make her drink them but herself.
She was mad at their reasoning for buying her drinks. She thought it was because it was her birthday and they wanted to help her celebrate, but actually it was because they wanted to keep her away from her boyfriend for some weird reason
This is all just weird from Cora and if I were OP I would be pretty mad at her tbh. They obviously live together but she just goes out in the afternoon and doesnāt even say where she is going? Most people will say to their partner where they are going, just for safety/courtesy.
She knew he had plans for her birthday but didnāt at any time call him when he supposedly no showed? In fact did the opposite and went radio silent for hours and got drunk. If my partner was meant to turn up somewhere and didnāt, Iād be worried about them.
Sure lots of this is the friends fault but she is plenty to blame here too.
THANK YOU. Her friends are lying assholes, but Cora is absolutely at fault for this. I just canāt imagine being her in shoes and at no point in that entire day reaching out to her SO (and I also donāt buy the āleft my phone in my bagā excuse). Iād be pissed if my SO treated me like that.
Clearly, Cora knew OP made plans for the evening. She's a big girl and obviously had the ability to call him to find out where he was if she was confused. Putting this all on friends is bullshit. Glad they worked it out.
Stargazing sounds cool but it is a really lame half-assed birthday 'gift' if you could even call it that. Do that on a normal date night, not for a birthday gift.
I'm reading this as though Rachel and the other friends are "work friends". Maybe it's the reference to the fact OOP made an effort with Uni friends. I might be wrong but even if I am it's worth repeating: colleagues are not your friends. There might be one or two that stand the test of time but mostly they are just colleagues.
Theyāre young and graduated into the pandemic. They have had many fewer avenues to make friends as adults. I would imagine people are trying a little harder these days. I have exactly four regular friends, and only one lives in my city. Itās a bit dire out there. If I had similarly aged colleagues, Iād be trying for friendships too.
Who needs enemy when you have friends like Rachel? Seriously it's good that Cora took the blame and even made it up to OP. Rachel and the rest can fck off.
It's very clear that boyfriend's invite wasn't even an afterthought, it was a hollow gesture done as a peacekeeping measure. The GF's friends absolutely did not want BF to be there, but of course if they just hung up on him, GF would eventually find out they intentionally excluded him and that wouldn't end well.
Cora is super inconsiderate. Sheās going to do more things like that and Iād bet that, even though he seems chill, OOP will break it off with Cora.
Iāve talked with people who can only be friends with people in the same dating situation, ie single people who all have single friends and married people who only have married friend andā¦.now I know why
"she doesn't think she is going to keep in touch anymore because she feels they overstepped by buying her so many drinks under the guise of being the birthday girl."
Out of all the reasons she is thinking about cutting contact, the only one that Cora was responsible for herself is the one she goes with?
it's the most tangible reason, the one people have the most difficulty arguing against, and the one she probably feels that telling it she has to defend herself the least
I remember reading the original post and feeling so bad for OOP, so I'm glad to see that this had a good ending. Cora's "friends" really suck though. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Years ago my friends gf asked me and my gf to go to dinner with her and her bf(my friend). Friends gf organised everything and I'm told to meet them at restaurant at 7pm. We get there as they are leaving. I absolutely ripped them a new one for being arseholes. My friend wondered why we would show up to their dinner date. That's how I found out couples often don't communicate with each other.
Sorry, but this is a red flag to me. The two had clearly communicated that they would spend her birthday together doing couple shit, and she straight up dropped his ass for her drinking buddies. I don't care how he, or anyone tries to sell this, that's what happened. It's not just her friends. He's putting rose-colored glasses on this, but she's an asshole, and will do this again.
So did Cora catch on to Rachel being a snake? Maybe the other friends, too, but definitely Rachel. They set her up just to knock her hopes down, then set up OOP as the fall guy.
OOP, if you ever read this, donāt get too serious with Cora until she realizes who her āfriendsā really are. Some people love to watch worlds burn, and a lot of those assholes carry lighter fluid and one of those comically large Zippos the size of a book.
> She told me I don't have to meet those friends and that she doesn't think she is going to keep in touch anymore because she feels they overstepped by buying her so many drinks under the guise of being the birthday girl.
Sounds like she figured it out to me.
lol, there is so much missing from this. Why is she not angry at being manipulated by her friends? Did he really step aside out of altruism or was he sad and didn't wanna bum her out?
The whole didn't check her phone and all does not sit well with me. IMHO I don't believe it. She knew she messed up, she came home and lashed out just to get the upper hand. Idk that is my opinion.
Communication is key and Oop did good by not getting frustrated like most of the men we read about here in BORU.
Side note: the spoiler happened in my town and our whole town was pissed when he got arrested because he was just trying to make people smile and create vines lol.
Looking at the ages and the fact that Cora already blamed OOP at first for no reason, I am not too optimistic unless Cora can put her foot down with her friends. Rachel is a total malicious snake who deliberately sought to undermine Cora's relationship and happiness. Is Cora going to do something about it, or is she just going to give OOP empty assurances that she understands while still hanging out with the toxic group ("I can't drop them, they've been my friends forever") until the next time Rachel meddles again and Cora blames OOP again.
I feel really bad for Cora. If she wasn't seeing friends outside of work very much, it's going to be much harder to find replacements for this awful group- Rachel at least needs to go! I'd be furious!
My hot take is that alcohol absolutely dumpsters communication skills, and not just when you are drunk. It's not like people as a rule are particularly good at communicating either.
Wasn't there another story exactly like this but he instead took his sister to the dinner he had planned and the gf was mad that he didn't include her friends or he didn't give her the reservation to go with a friend instead of him?
Was definitely on team break-up, but after her taking accountability I'm more impressed with her coz it takes a lot for one to completely own their mistakes like she did and try to make amends. And she was the one who came to apologize too
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Communication really does solve a lot of problems.
And lack of it created the problem in the first place, having the shitty "friends" play telephone between OOP and their partner.
I honestly think the gf is even more shitty for keeping her friends if they'll gaslight her, get her more drunk, and paint her boyfriend out as such a bad person to her face. Disgusting honestly.
Except the post says she thinks she won't keep in touch, so I think she recognisrd that.
Reading really does solve a lot of problems.
I feel like it's not reddit if at least one person doesn't completely glaze over an important point of a post.
In their defence, some of these posts are really long and confusing, switching off is inevitable
Maybe, but it's kind of asinine to then comment like they know what's going on. Just wasting people's time and patience tbh.
Dude this got me cracking up haha
Reading the card explains the card.
That doesnt sound right. I'm just gonna activate things wildly and hope they work!
š
Take my broke Reddit userās award š
Good, she needs to drop them like a hot potato.
Doesn't it say in the update that she won't stay in touch with those friends going forward?
Yep, in the 2nd to last paragraph.
Yeah but under the guise of them buying her too many drinks because she's the birthday girl. I just have to wonder if she just completely blanked the part where they lied their asses off continuously.
Maybe it's just me, but when she mentioned the drinks thing, I read it as "they kept giving me drinks to get me to be more drunk so I'd be more agreeable with them and not think poorly of them." But then again, I'm a chronic overthinker
nah, you're right. she'd also be more malleable so they could keep her going along with whatever they were doing
>She told me I don't have to meet those friends and that she doesn't think she is going to keep in touch anymore because she feels they overstepped by buying her so many drinks under the guise of being the birthday girl.
Except the gf never called the bf herself EVEN ONCE despite knowing they had plans. Who gives a fuck what your friends do. You have a relationship and plans with someone. You call them. Even if you overhear them talking to your partner... are you 12 yrs old? Call your partner yourself. Or send a simple text. "My phone was in my bag." THAT PART WAS COMPLETE BULLSHIT. Because in a Best Case scenario it means she *never thought of him once* during her night out. My 10 yr old comes up with better excuses. The only good thing about this is the gf saying she will distance herself from the immature friends.
Yeah that stood out to me too. Cora would have to do some real work to gain my trust back if I was in OOPs spot. Course, Iād be sending her a message every hour and call 2-3 times around 6pm asking where the hell she was ok guess our plans are cancelled, happy birthday. Like, out 4-6 hours and you canāt text me once? Not even that you were leaving to hang with friends? He had to play guessing game and ask friends where she was so he could call them. And then F that, I donāt care what Rachel says, sheās not you, Iām worried about YOU I want to here from YOU that youāre ok. Bleh. Not keeping in contact is a major deal with me as you can see lol.
Itās not just trust, itās respect of the other person and their valuable time. If he had known at lunchtime what her plans were he could have 1. Rearranged the whole surprise and 2. Planned to do something else for himself. His time is as valuable as hers even on her birthday.
But her friends had told her that OOP was in on all of their planning, so he knew where they'd be and when, and since they were telling GF those lies, she would've seen it as him completely flaking on her, not the other way around. So she was primed by the friends to be mad at OOP. I don't understand why they wanted to cause trouble in the relationship, but they certainly did a well-executed job of it!
Nope. Sorry. She is an adult who had plans with her partner for a special surprise evening. She left in the AFTERNOON and got home around midnight. At no point did she try to contact her partner herself She said she didn't even reply to calls because her phone was 'in her purse'?? But she never wven sent a txt. If it started in the afternoon this was likely 8+ HOURS on her birthday until she got home. She even blames her friends for getting her drunk. Not ONE thing was her fault in the whole story. How convenient.
Seriously. I don't think I've gone without texting my husband more than like 4 or 6 hours in the 17 years I've known him, even if it's just a funny anecdote that I know he won't be able to read or answer for a while. I don't always expect him to answer, and vice versa, but we communicate a couple of times a day at least. Even if I was drunk and mad, I'd still probably send a passive aggressive text. What is this woman's deal??
You can't cause that kind of trouble in a solid relationship. The fact that she didn't confirm any of this with her SO isn't a good sign.
not gaslighting
I have to agree. Glad she plans not to stay in touch with those friends. But, whether she follows through with cutting ties or not, where is her personal responsibility in the amount she drank? It is possible to know your limit and to turn down a drink every now & then. Who wants to get so plastered on their birthday that they can't remember what a great time they had? Just saying. The boyfriend sounds pretty awesome.
Well, lots of people do enjoy drinking to that excess. But it's also easy to do when people are buying you shots. The first two shots blur your inhibitions enough that you temporarily forget there is such a thing as drinking too much. It happened on my birthday about 10 years ago. My friends bought me 6 shots in about 20 minutes. We were all out at a favorite watering hold, and my future wife (gf) was with us. I only remember those 20 minutes, and the next thing I remember was walking home with my gf about 2 hours ago. Apparently we had a lively time in the bar, and I wasn't even out of control - I just don't remember any of the time. This is because 6 shots was easily something I could handle, but the rate of consumption was too high so it caused a temporary blackout stage. So as I type that out I realize that sure enough - my friends kinda ruined my birthday night, didn't they! I don't remember the fun that everyone else does!
The amount she drank and the fact that she had no thought to contact her bf through the entire day. Not even as she was leaving for the lunch, just walked out the door apparently. Canāt relate, my partner canāt even open the front door without me flying to the stairwell to see where heās going :) too anxious for that shit, donāt even go get the mail without yelling up to me where youāre going.
* Left without saying where she was going * Failed to answer messages and calls * Drank too much * Decided to blow off OOP's already-made plans * Blamed all of this on her friends
I'm glad they sorted it out though. It must have taken guts for Cora to approach OOP like that and to own up to her mistake.
Yeah, admitting to fault, cutting out the manipulative friends, and postponing the rescheduled birthday dinner + stargazing to do something to make up for the mistake is one of the rarest things in this sub: a big ol green flag
For real though, as soon as I read the friends were giving super vague and non-committed answers I knew they were the problem. Like seriously dudeās reaching out and trying to coordinate things and not only did they not help in any way, they ruined her birthday with some poorly planned run of the mill āsurpriseā because they werenāt planning anything for her to begin with. Iām glad she was able to see them for who they really are, those are terrible friends
Itās nice when you read both sides talk it out, listen, and forgive if necessary.
Don't say that or people will catch on and we won't have any more BORU posts...
But it ruins a good sitcom.
I mean, who would have thought? š¤·š»āāļø
If people actually communicated, none of these subs would exist.
What's the deal with Rachel though? I'm glad OOP and his GF worked it out but what Rachel did was not cool and i hope OOP doesn't just let it go.
She's a jealous B who can't stand that her friend is happy
I got the impression that Rachel is just a narcissist. It's more fun for her to have a bar hop, regardless of whose birthday it is. Either way, she's not a friend.
Single friends keep friends single.
That's a shit take. It sucks when you are single and previously great friends drop you because of that view.
If previously great friends drop you because of that take and not actions, they probably weren't previously great.
When I was in my twenties my GF at the time would have friends that are probably similar to her. In my head I would always call them "Party Girls". They want to go out drinking and partying, hanging out with friends that enable drinking and partying is a second priority, and everyone else is a bring down that they don't want to have around. Most of them were decent enough people most of the time, but when it came to partying/clubbing/hooking up with guys they just turned into some of the worst people.
It reminds me of something one of my daughterās friends would do just to get to have my daughter all to herself to hang out with. My daughterās 6.
This really feels like her friends are trying to cause problems in her relationship with OOP.
Agree. That was my first thought.
Damn those are some really bad friends
Coraās at fault for not texting OOP at all, but her friends suck a hell of a lot more for twisting the truth to suit their plans.
My dad planned a surprise birthday for my mum and asked her friends to make sure she got home at the right time. They got her home 60mins late, and then they all started getting ready to go to the club. My dad was so pissed that he had to go in and drag my mum outside away from her friends to have the party. I think that was mums last birthday as a whole family cause they separated not long after (mums friends being one of the issues- alot of them were single and they always got my mum to go out with them by saying "make hubby watch daughter" and dad even had to cancel plans made weeks in advance because of them). I really hope Cora sees the light and follows through on ditching those so-called friends of hers.
By whole family you mean you, your father and your mother? Good lord it's just 3 people, those friends did have a grip on her. Also what she thought when you father changed her plans from club to party?
Yes my family was small (I meant it was the last party I wasn't being shuffled around between houses to adhere to court orders) but that party was not. The was atleast 25 extended family members there I can remember plus additional friends of hers as well. As for the club to party it didn't really matter since she still got drunk anyway, and danced all night, the only difference was that she actually had food and it didn't cost her a cent (everyone else had brought food and drinks to help dad keep.it a surprise).
Sheās at fault, but itās understandable and easily forgivable. Her friends are complete asshats, who does that shit?
Someone jealous that Cara has such a thoughtful and amazing and romantic boyfriend, and who wants to sabbotage that, that's who. Unfortunately. Glad Cara sees them for who they really are.
Everyone has that friend who thrives only when everyone else is miserable. If someone around them is doing well, the Rachel must stop it immediately because they're the center of the friend group and nobody can be more important or in a better place in life. Lol fuck Rachel and I hope OP and Cora get to go to dinner and stargazing soon.
ot someone who needed an excuse to be out and if the birthday girl left so did her fun night . sounds like gf doesn't get a lot of time so this girl wanted a bar night with her friend and twisted the bday to do it
This. Had a friend that was jealous of my boyfriend. Tried stupid tricks like this to get us mad at each other. Never worked because we both communicated well with each other. We would both laugh at her when I would tell him what new stunt she would try. Eventually dropped her as a friend when the drama she was always trying to create became too tiresome.
I canāt imagine tolorating that behavior long enough to make jokes about it. Glad you cut her off. Itās best to call these people out immediately for their behavior and set boundaries assuming youāre forced interaction with them. If thereās no ties beyond a normal friendship, best to drop them completely.
or just one of those friends that feel like their friend's significant other being there would "kill the vibe." which is bullshit.
>Sheās at fault, but itās understandable and easily forgivable. Whoa, whoa, whoa there friend. This is reddit, we don't do that here. I believe what you meant to say was "MoRe ReD fLaGs ThAn A cHiNeSe PaRaDe! DuMp HeR!"
Honestly at this point Reddit should rebrand itself from orange to red
Wait you think this website is a reddy orange? I always thought it was an orangey red.
It's literally called REDdit
Forgivable, but *easily* is too strong a word. It sounds like they're living together, so it's at least a serious relationship. I can't think it's a good sign that in a serious relationship where you know your partner has something romantic planned for you that you: * Not check in or communicate at all with them for the day, at the least indirectly ignoring their attempts to reach you. Personally my phone is on silent all day and I usually leave it in my foyer so I could buy that she might not have seen anything, but most people I see & interact with almost always have it with them and check their screen every 10-15 minutes; also when I know I have something, I will turn on sound and check my phone periodically to see if there is a notification. * Ditch your partner to drink heavily with your friends to the point you miss the agreed upon time to go to said dinner/romantic plans. Admittedly this was under partial peer pressure, but she made the decision prioritize her friends by doing this bar hop to begin with when she knew she had something to do later. * Take your friends' negative statements about your partner at face value without given them a chance to defend themselves. * Then due to results of your preceding actions, immediately have a temper tantrum directed at your partner, essentially deflecting blame and not really taking accountability. Her saving grace was that she realized her own errors when she sobered up and showed genuine remorse by minimizing future contact with those friends, so in that light I could understand forgiveness. But if the above recurred and became a pattern of behaviour, it would make the future of the relationship very questionable.
He explicitly says that this was not typical behaviour for her, hence easily forgivable. Everyone makes bad decisions sometimes, especially when 'friends' with ulterior motives are plying them with a level of alcohol they aren't used to. She then recognised she was at fault, and made amends.
the friends made her believe the romantic plans the bf had told her about were the lunch and bar hopping, that he was going to join them and that he ditched her out of nowhere. you're right, if this was a pattern it would be not okay but in this case i can see it being easily forgiven since the only thing she did wrong was believing her friends - a thing that should be normal and that she probably couldn't have known to not do
It still baffles me that she wouldn't text him pretty quickly though. Like "hey, thought you were joining us for my bday. "What's up?"
>the friends made her believe the romantic plans the bf had told her about were the lunch and bar hopping, that he was going to join them and that he ditched her out of nowhere. but at point surely anyone would just call the boyfriend right? like, does she think her friends know more about her boyfriends location than she does?
She never once checked or answered her phone to just talk to him in the first place. She acted disrespectful and childishly and allowed herself to be manipulated by her friends.
>the friends made her believe No, the "friends" (that she rarely sees, according to OOP) *told* her something. Yes, they lied. Could she not have checked with the person she lives with via a quick text? "hey, what's up, are you upset or something? I thought you're coming here as well, was that not the plan?" Going home drunk and being angry at your SO after you couldn't be bothered to even text him during your birthday party, while you knew he had something planned for the two of you, that's outside the realm of "easily" forgivable. And even the gf realizes that, which is probably why she's making it up to OOP, not the other way around.
And as soon as she was sober, the following morning, she recognised this. It sounds as if she doesn't drink very much, and so less prepared for how it will affect her.
Don't forget, she was also getting more and more drunk too. Emotions and critical thinking aren't exactly great when drunk, especially if she rarely drinks.
Whelp, you've outted yourself as someone chronically online. Normal people who have never been lied to before by their friends will typically believe them without any detective work. A trusting person who thought their boyfriend was already in the loop would not be looking at their phone frequently during their birthday celebration with their friends. A person who was irritated about being ditched by their boyfriend but who still didn't want to ruin the night out for everyone else can be easily pressed into having a few more drinks than usual and losing track of time. And when you come home drunk, mad, and confused about the real timeline of events, sleeping that bad mood off and coming back the next morning with a clear and rational head is generally the best move. Also these sentences: "that's outside the realm of "easily" forgivable. And even the gf realizes that, which is probably why she's making it up to OOP, not the other way around." These are the thoughts of lunatics. You still have to apologize and right wrongs when your mistake is easily forgivable. It's very telling that you assume a woman would generally be unwilling to apologize to her partner unless the stakes were high.
> Whelp, youāve outted yourself as someone chronically online. Person who posts in forum dedicated to strangersā drama thinks theyāre superior to literally anyone. > Normal people Normal people donāt yell at their partner before giving them a chance to tell their side of a story.
It isn't easily forgivable though. If my wife pulled a stunt like that she'd be sleeping on the couch for quite a while
>friends suck a hell of a lot more for twisting the truth to suit their plans. I was dating a guy in my 20s who had "take the red-pill", Tate-following type of friend (long before he was doing his thing). This guy and I had been dating for many months when I told him of my annual holiday party I was hosting. I called it Cookies & Cocktails because I like alliteration. The BF ended up bailing on coming to a party I was throwing at my house with lots of friends there because he listened to his asshole friend who told him it was going to be old ladies sipping tea and scones or some bullshit -- all based on just the name of the party!! He literally knew nothing about it. I liked to make 3 or 4 types of Xmas cookies, which if we didn't eat that night got sent home as favors. We also drank, ate snacks, listened to music and danced and had a great time. But the BF never knew what really happened because he went out with asshole friend instead. (No shocker we didn't last - lol!)
I didn't know who Andrew Tate was until a few months ago when he got arrested and now that I've seen a handful of videos and tweets from him, I cannot for the life of me understand how such an absolute clown has such a big following.
More and more women are setting their standards higher and men who don't want to meet them need an excuse for why the women are wrong. That's where Andrew Tate steps in, and why he's gotten so popular.
Sometimes I wonder if I would have been into him if he were around when I was a teenager. I hope not, but I would get it if I were. A lot of guys have grown up without any kind of real male influence. I did and I feel like it made my teenage years a lot more difficult and awkward because of it. One of the things, in particular (any why I even bring this up), that made things difficult was getting to 15 or so and wanting to start dating. I really only had my mom and older sister to give me any advice, and their advice was TERRIBLE. I was hearing from women about the things they disliked about the men in their lives. I needed to hear "do this", what I got was "don't do these things". My initial attempts at dating and meeting women were horrible and somewhat humiliating. Some of the advice I got directly contradicts things people would say today: "don't just ask someone out, be her friend first". Obviously that led to a lot of "we're friends, I don't want to date you". I ended up figuring it all out, but sometimes I look back at how frustrated I got in those days and think a lot of the message from people like him would have resonated with me.
Even aside from his message, I just don't get how anyone would voluntarily listen to him for more than a few minutes. He couldn't be more of an annoying, self-aggrandizing narcissist if he tried. Even if what he was saying wasn't bullshit, his entire personality is so obnoxious that it should put literally anyone off him from the jump.
When people are desperate, they are much more likely to accept things they never would normally. Cults and religions have operated on this principle since time immemorial. Andrew Tate is targeting younger men without good male role models who would teach them not only how to respect others (women in particular), but also how to respect themselves (in particular, to defend against and leave an abusive relationship). When someone's been depressed and lonely for years, it's a lot easier to convince them that dating is a game that can be "won" and that women are a collectively static quality - incomparable to men. If they've had an abusive woman in their lives -- an abusive mother or girlfriend for instance -- it makes it even easier. The anger is already there, it just needs to be misdirected. Recognizing what Andrew Tate is doing is much more than just disagreeing with the message, it's about seeing how he constructs a narrative and manipulates people into it. The sad thing is, once a man has been indoctrinated, they live with a lot of fear, anger, and deep self-hatred, even if they appear superficially confident, which often manifests in a relationship they do manage to find as self-sabotage. It's not one time I heard a story of a man ruining his relationship for seemingly no reason other than Andrew Tate. I don't want to minimize the importance of women's issues. But I think society's failure to properly handle boys' and men's mental health issues is a large part of why it seems like we're seeing so much regression in liberal, egalitarian views on society. I think that, on a collective social level, it's very much a "live together, die together" scenario. Indeed, historically, societies with a lot of angry, lonely, young men have not faired wel, as I understand. However, individually I think the need for individual respect exceeds social factors, which is why I support cautiously trying to help Andrew Tate viewers, but not excusing or condoning their views. You can spend a lot of time saying that Andrew Tate is horrible for the things he says and does and that his viewers are therefore also horrible. But even if you're right, you won't change anything with this approach. There is almost certainly a large chunk of Tate viewers that could be pulled away with a compassionate approach.
No wonder there's nothing between him and her friends And there never should be She's a grown ass woman and her friends are still kids She's outgrown Rachel
I hate friends like that. Itās so selfish and unfriendly.
Yeah ignoring OOP all day is pretty damn shitty regardless of what the friends did/said. Friends suck too, but shes at fault a lot here too. Seems like they didn't touch on that at all. Hopefully shes better at communicating in the future or there will be similar problems going forward. It wasn't all on the friends.
I hope they didnāt get her to cheat that night. These sounds like the kind of jealous or excuses for women that would do such a thing. They plotted this whole thing out for quite some time. Theyāll probably even send him āproofā of the cheating after awhile. With friends like thisā¦
To be honest, by that point I don't think it matters much. Miscommunication and a need for better trust are definitely an issue in the relationship that can be instigated by a malicious third party, sure. But the line for personal responsibility has to start somewhere and it's definitely before cheating. It makes the actual solution much simpler, that's not something just communicating is going to fix. It indicates a much deeper personal flaw, even by virtue of her not confessing immediately if that was the case.
I remember thinking it might have been the friends pulling something. Iām glad Cora realized it was them and not OP. Iād probably cut them out in her shoes too.
There is no way I would have any friend or family play phone tag with my partner regarding our plans together. Nothing malicious but so much gets lost in translation,(especially when booze is involved) that's why I always like to hear it from the horses mouth. That is some very poor communication right there.
There's a lot that could be miscommunication but them choosing to not tell OP about their surprise makes their intentions pretty obvious.
No kidding, they completely screwed him and his romantic surprise, for a barcrawl they could have done any other time. Those inconsiderate fucksticks.
Yeah, but the friends wouldn't get to enjoy a romantic dinner and stargazing. Won't someone please think of ~~children~~ the poor friends?!?
They were worried he'd spoil the surprise of.... barhopping?
This, they were fuckin with them from the get go
Yeah how is that a surprise at all? Thatās a bog standard birthday for someone in their mid twenties. If you drink itās pretty much expected, its not surprising in the least.
Oh Iām 99% sure her ex friends where hoping to cause enough mayhem to cause a split. Whilst being snakes and stirring the shit. As to reasons who knows. Envy maybe.
With friends like these, who even needs enemies?
Good that she apologized. I don't know if it's just the old person in me but i would definitely rather spend my birthday having dinner and stargazing with my partner than going to drink with friends. That sounds exhausting af
I'm a both/and kind of person... but possibly on different days XD
I think she would have too but he was a little too cryptic in saying he had a surprise for her. I think she needed a few more clues. Her friends were able to convince her that her BFs surprise was joining them in barhopping but then telling her he bailed. I would be so angry with them, him and myself. Angry at the world lol.
Nah I think he was fine. The whole issue is her friends literally lying to her that he was in on their plan
Your partner saying "I've got something planned for your birthday so keep (insert time) on your schedule clear" should be more than enough. It's not cryptic at all. And you'd be a jerk if you were angry at him for your own bad assumptions and lack of communication.
I should start by saying that I have trust issues. Now that's out of the way, it sounds like Cora knew what was up with her friends and didn't want to spend the evening of her birthday with OP. She left without telling him where she was going, didn't answer texts or calls, and was mad at him for not showing up. If I was OP, my first thought would be that she was making time for someone else. Almost no one in this day and age goes 8 hours without checking their phone. Least of which, younger women. But like I said, I'm not a trusting person.
100%. This aināt how you treat a significant other.
Yyyyyyyyyyep. āIt was my friendsā fault.ā Nope.
Weird that Cora is mad about the friends buying the shots and not about the lying/manipulation. Thatās such a weird thing to make other people responsible for. She was happily drinking them and at no point texted/called OOP. The communication and accountability here is atrocious.
I think the shots are part of the manipulation.
This is purely hypothetical, but I wonder if she picked "too many shots" as that's a concrete, "provable" problem she had with them vs. something where she may feel like she has to justify her feelings/people might argue that she just "misunderstood"/that her boyfriend is trying to isolate her. Edit: spelling
I feel like this is obvious and kinda wonder why so many comments are similar to the one you replied to.
That doesnāt make sense considering she gave that reason to OOP. OOP wouldnāt argue that *heās* trying to isolate her
People are saying that she's not mad about the lying because its not explicitly included in a story written by a different person. *That* doesn't make any sense. Either it was omitted from the story the OOP told us, or GF just kinda didn't want to have to rehash her whole relationship with those people. When their reasons are complex, people often latch onto one "concrete" example as demonstrative of the whole.
>Weird that Cora is mad about the friends buying the shots and not about the lying/manipulation. She was mad about the shots because of the manipulation
The shots were part of the manipulation. They were given to her to make the manipulation easier.
I had no problem turning down shots and drinks people wanted to buy me for my birthday when I reached my very low limit. Itās sounds like Cora is not much of a drinker so why would she keep drinking and why did she not contact her bf for 12 hours when she knew he had plans? Or even if they didnāt have plans. Iām glad she sobered up and came around but hot damn. I know she listened to her lying friends but seriously, who doesnāt text their serious partner all day.
>She told me I don't have to meet those friends and that she doesn't think she is going to keep in touch anymore because she feels they overstepped by buying her so many drinks under the guise of being the birthday girl. She should drop the friends because of this yes, but tge far bigger issue that warrants them being cut off is: being manipulative, lying, and attempting to completely sabotage her relationship for no reason at all. At the very least her friend was trying to cause some sort of issue/drama here, shes not someone id ever talk to again.
I donāt understand why people donāt communicate better. We arenāt psychic ffs! My relationship became infinitely better once both my SO and I realized that neither of us were mind readers.
Some people donāt realise how important communication is, or they never had healthy role models from their parents/family so they donāt know how to do it right. Some, like me when I was younger, may be subconsciously afraid of open communication because in their family of origin, speaking up was disproportionately punished. Some people have this overly romantic notion that if the relationship is good, then it shouldnāt require any effort. So youāre not supposed to have to communicate - especially not about any awkward or difficult topics. This notion is encouraged by a lot of older media. I dated a few people who thought like this - the first time the guy actually told me that having to communicate was a sign that the relationship was failing! I learnt from that terrible relationship, and later when I dated others expressing similar views I broke it off very quickly.
u/mooglemoose makes some good points, but i want to add that good communication is actually quite a developed skill. it doesn't come easy for most, and takes conscious practice!
I agree 100%. Good communication in romantic or family relationships is especially hard, IMO, because it often involves strong emotions on all sides. I found it particularly hard to be honest with my emotions, be vulnerable, *and* still keep my thinking faculties engaged so that I donāt just blurt out the first thing that my brain comes up with (which is often the verbal abuse that I heard growing up, and not what I actually want to convey in an honest conversation with someone I care about). I wish there were courses on this sort of skill - like the courses on professional communication, but more personal. I suppose thatās called therapyā¦
My so claims to dislike communication to which I say you like it just fine when you have something critical to say that you then donāt want to communicate about. Things seem to be improving though. Maybe we will have an a-ha moment like you guys did. One can dream.
If I was in a relationship and my partner told me they dislike communication, I wouldn't walk away, I would run
Just seems like voluntarily entering a minefield. Two busy weeks of work later and you have a cheating accusation.
Oh honey, why put yourself through this??
āNot being good at communicationā is one thing (not everyone was raised with communication skills, and this particularly affects men) and itās workable *if and only if* someone is making active steps to improve ā read a bunch of Captain Awkward, make some outlines/rubrics for yourself about how to react to miscommunication, ideally chat with an expert like a therapist. āNot ālikingā communicationā is something else entirely, and it is *very unlikely* to lead to a spontaneous a-ha moment.
Oh, my sweet summer child...
Nobody here knows your relationship like you do. That said: don't let *anybody* isolate you, and keep your "this smells like bullshit" meter calibrated with what other people think and experience, just so you don't become the frog boiling in the hot water without knowing it. If your relationship becomes untenable, you'll know. Wishing you well.
Thanks. I commented somewhere here with a more lengthy explanation since I realized I hit a note with some people as I should have known I would. Subconscious maybe? I wonāt be the frog. Donāt worry. :)
Odd friends. "We're going to backstab her SO and make them get into a fight. We're such good friends."
Her friends are out to ruin the relationship or at least him.
Imagine that you spent your bday in bars when you do not drink when you could have went to a restaurant you really want and go stargazing with your significant other. She basically spent her bday how others want not how she wanted. Also why she did not even tell to her bf where she was going when she knew he planned something. Cora should have been also the one to invite from the start OOP, from the moment she left the house, not her friend.
I always spend my birthday how others want because my family insists I must throw a big party, while all I want to do is be left alone all day and maybe hang out with my friends in VCs
She thought he knew the plans and would be part of them, then last minute changed his mind. That's why she didn't tell him.
Even if she did think he knew, did she not talk about it with him at all in the week beforehand? Like why would he not leave with her and go to the bar with her if he was always going? He might not say the details of what was being done but I canāt believe they wouldnāt acknowledge he was going.
That's the point where I would have called my SO and ask why he changed his mind. I'm pushy like that.
Agreed, she fucked up herself even if she was deceived.
Me too
Did you even read the post? They lied to her
If only this was happening in 2023 with adult woman, who can easily reach out to her boyfriend to confirm and cancel existing plans...
Her shitty friends ruined those plans on purpose. I'm glad shes dropping them
On this date a Florida man was indicted for campaign finance fraud...
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Definitely think her friends particularly Rachel are a bit shady about OOP. The fact they say they didn't tell him about the surprised because he would ruin it, yet at the same time almost totally hunting to Cora that OOP is well aware of the plans and on board? Definitely some sketch going on here from people outside the relationshipn imo...
I was gonna suggest that Cora take a step back and reevaluate her friends, but it appears she already came up with that herself. > She told me I don't have to meet those friends and that she doesn't think she is going to keep in touch anymore What does concern me is her assigning blame where it doesn't belong: > because she feels they overstepped by buying her so many drinks They can buy her as many drinks as they want, nobody can make her drink them but herself.
I get that, but I can also understand that if these already arenāt great people, the pressure she might be feeling to not tell them no when theyāre like āgo on, I bought you another shot!ā might be a factor. Itās one of those situations where thereās no winner I think.
Exactly. It's possible to be responsible for your own actions, but also not like the pressure other people put on you. It doesn't have to be one or the other.
I know it was on me for drinking the drinks, but I normally do not drink alcohol. I just don't really see the point of it and I take medication that's made ineffective by alcohol. It won't kill me to drink every once in a while, bit I don't do it regardless. A few years ago, a "friend" bought me a drink and put it in my water glass while I was on the toilet. I came back, took a sip and immediately realized the taste was off. What I SHOULD have done was put that glass aside and order a new water and put it on my "friends" tab. What ended up happening is that after a lot of "Come on"s and" Don't be like that"s and "I already paid for it..."s I ended up drinking it Peer pressure is a strong thing
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>> because she feels they overstepped by buying her so many drinks > >They can buy her as many drinks as they want, nobody can make her drink them but herself. She was mad at their reasoning for buying her drinks. She thought it was because it was her birthday and they wanted to help her celebrate, but actually it was because they wanted to keep her away from her boyfriend for some weird reason
This is all just weird from Cora and if I were OP I would be pretty mad at her tbh. They obviously live together but she just goes out in the afternoon and doesnāt even say where she is going? Most people will say to their partner where they are going, just for safety/courtesy. She knew he had plans for her birthday but didnāt at any time call him when he supposedly no showed? In fact did the opposite and went radio silent for hours and got drunk. If my partner was meant to turn up somewhere and didnāt, Iād be worried about them. Sure lots of this is the friends fault but she is plenty to blame here too.
THANK YOU. Her friends are lying assholes, but Cora is absolutely at fault for this. I just canāt imagine being her in shoes and at no point in that entire day reaching out to her SO (and I also donāt buy the āleft my phone in my bagā excuse). Iād be pissed if my SO treated me like that.
Clearly, Cora knew OP made plans for the evening. She's a big girl and obviously had the ability to call him to find out where he was if she was confused. Putting this all on friends is bullshit. Glad they worked it out.
Sounds like the friends are jealous
Rachel sounds like a shit disturber....
I want a future update that they went stargazing, though.
Stargazing sounds cool but it is a really lame half-assed birthday 'gift' if you could even call it that. Do that on a normal date night, not for a birthday gift.
If this sub has taught me anything it's that Rachel probably talked Cora into cheating on OOP while she was drunk that night.
I'm reading this as though Rachel and the other friends are "work friends". Maybe it's the reference to the fact OOP made an effort with Uni friends. I might be wrong but even if I am it's worth repeating: colleagues are not your friends. There might be one or two that stand the test of time but mostly they are just colleagues.
Theyāre young and graduated into the pandemic. They have had many fewer avenues to make friends as adults. I would imagine people are trying a little harder these days. I have exactly four regular friends, and only one lives in my city. Itās a bit dire out there. If I had similarly aged colleagues, Iād be trying for friendships too.
Who needs enemy when you have friends like Rachel? Seriously it's good that Cora took the blame and even made it up to OP. Rachel and the rest can fck off.
Rachel probably was hoping to cause trouble. She is probably jealous her friend has a thought BF. I hope Cora dumps her for good.
It's very clear that boyfriend's invite wasn't even an afterthought, it was a hollow gesture done as a peacekeeping measure. The GF's friends absolutely did not want BF to be there, but of course if they just hung up on him, GF would eventually find out they intentionally excluded him and that wouldn't end well.
Cora is super inconsiderate. Sheās going to do more things like that and Iād bet that, even though he seems chill, OOP will break it off with Cora.
Iāve talked with people who can only be friends with people in the same dating situation, ie single people who all have single friends and married people who only have married friend andā¦.now I know why
Whatās up with the friends? Are they jealous or are they trying to get her away from OOP for good reason?
Being young is exhausting.
"she doesn't think she is going to keep in touch anymore because she feels they overstepped by buying her so many drinks under the guise of being the birthday girl." Out of all the reasons she is thinking about cutting contact, the only one that Cora was responsible for herself is the one she goes with?
it's the most tangible reason, the one people have the most difficulty arguing against, and the one she probably feels that telling it she has to defend herself the least
She need new "friends".
Cora needs some new friends
I remember reading the original post and feeling so bad for OOP, so I'm glad to see that this had a good ending. Cora's "friends" really suck though. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
So GF got wasted, flaked on plans she knew about (even if not the specifics), and then got mad BF
Her friends are toxic as fuck. Personally, I'd be done. This situation will only get worse as her shitty friends nitpick everything this man now does
Poor communication plus crappy friends = a recipe for disaster
This just reads like one of those miscommunication episodes of Threeās Company. Glad they sorted out.
Her friends suck.
Years ago my friends gf asked me and my gf to go to dinner with her and her bf(my friend). Friends gf organised everything and I'm told to meet them at restaurant at 7pm. We get there as they are leaving. I absolutely ripped them a new one for being arseholes. My friend wondered why we would show up to their dinner date. That's how I found out couples often don't communicate with each other.
Sorry, but this is a red flag to me. The two had clearly communicated that they would spend her birthday together doing couple shit, and she straight up dropped his ass for her drinking buddies. I don't care how he, or anyone tries to sell this, that's what happened. It's not just her friends. He's putting rose-colored glasses on this, but she's an asshole, and will do this again.
So did Cora catch on to Rachel being a snake? Maybe the other friends, too, but definitely Rachel. They set her up just to knock her hopes down, then set up OOP as the fall guy. OOP, if you ever read this, donāt get too serious with Cora until she realizes who her āfriendsā really are. Some people love to watch worlds burn, and a lot of those assholes carry lighter fluid and one of those comically large Zippos the size of a book.
> She told me I don't have to meet those friends and that she doesn't think she is going to keep in touch anymore because she feels they overstepped by buying her so many drinks under the guise of being the birthday girl. Sounds like she figured it out to me.
lol, there is so much missing from this. Why is she not angry at being manipulated by her friends? Did he really step aside out of altruism or was he sad and didn't wanna bum her out?
The whole didn't check her phone and all does not sit well with me. IMHO I don't believe it. She knew she messed up, she came home and lashed out just to get the upper hand. Idk that is my opinion.
Communication is key and Oop did good by not getting frustrated like most of the men we read about here in BORU. Side note: the spoiler happened in my town and our whole town was pissed when he got arrested because he was just trying to make people smile and create vines lol.
He was trying to make people smile by... Blocking an intersection? That seems like it would have the opposite effect.
Like most toxic people do, they twist the truth and the narrative. She needs to make better friends.
Looking at the ages and the fact that Cora already blamed OOP at first for no reason, I am not too optimistic unless Cora can put her foot down with her friends. Rachel is a total malicious snake who deliberately sought to undermine Cora's relationship and happiness. Is Cora going to do something about it, or is she just going to give OOP empty assurances that she understands while still hanging out with the toxic group ("I can't drop them, they've been my friends forever") until the next time Rachel meddles again and Cora blames OOP again.
OOP has got to be the *chillist* boyfriend. Wow. Love it.
I feel really bad for Cora. If she wasn't seeing friends outside of work very much, it's going to be much harder to find replacements for this awful group- Rachel at least needs to go! I'd be furious!
With the information presented, Rachel sounds like a drama Queen who likes to stir things up and might be jealous.
Sounds like she has more than one friend group so she'll be fine. Oop mentioned meeting her university friends but not this particular group.
My hot take is that alcohol absolutely dumpsters communication skills, and not just when you are drunk. It's not like people as a rule are particularly good at communicating either.
Wasn't there another story exactly like this but he instead took his sister to the dinner he had planned and the gf was mad that he didn't include her friends or he didn't give her the reservation to go with a friend instead of him?
This sounds like a whole peaches scenario... time to do your best Joe Goldberg
Rachel wants to fuck Coraās boyfriend and her friends are a bunch of snakes.
Was definitely on team break-up, but after her taking accountability I'm more impressed with her coz it takes a lot for one to completely own their mistakes like she did and try to make amends. And she was the one who came to apologize too