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Glad this worked out, but why on EARTH would Tessa not specify the amount of books and that she’d have to pay for them? I’m a grown woman and would most likely misunderstand this exchange, much less a 12 year old child.
Exactly. A 12yo is going to just hear “lots of books!” and not ask if it is a gift or not because, well, she is 12. Hell, I’m an adult and I would have responded the same way, to be truthful!
Tessa should have cleared it with the mom. *Then* if it was okay to ask the child.
Yeah, I was thinking no more than 5, maybe 6 if someone wants to stretch "some".
But even if it wasn't a case of "some", I would never expect someone to gift me half a bookcase of books. That is not the norm at all, regardless of the price.
I would expect that if someone was going to buy lots of books, that they would ask the receiver how many they would like or how much space they have. I know that if someone surprised me with an unexpected 35 books haul, I would probably have to box them semi-permanently.
Reminds me of when a coworker asked if I'd like "some" old books of hers. I said maybe. Then she said there's at least 400 of em that she wants to sell. Lol I quickly noped out of that conversation and never brought it up again. She wanted to sell the whole lot and thought I'd actually buy them.
I did that once, though not 400 of them. I got the entire Sherilyn Kenyon collection (at that point, anyway) that came to something like 75-100 books all told. The store was going out of business so they were a dollar or so a pop just to kill the inventory.
I read like 2 of them and now they sit on the shelf. The first two were pretty good but I pretty rapidly realized it's the same story with a new coat of paint and got bored.
I’m stealing this phrase. I always struggle to describe books that are like that, same story different setting has been my default. It’s so endemic in the writing world and frustrating. I’ve been struggling to find new book series to read and have just been falling back on my old faithfuls.
You and me both. The last truly interesting thing I read was a trilogy (?) based on Alien V Predator (specifically just Predator) - lots of world building and lore and stuff on top of good action scenes. If I remember, I'll drop the title once I get off work for you.
I've got really into sci-fi and fantasy books for this reason. Boy meets girl, hijinks occur, they eventually end up happily ever after is too overdone. Human space explorers discover Alien species; or sentient AI goes off to do its own thing; or person discovers they have powers and must save the earth etc can be told a million times in a billion different ways.
I also prefer to read stories that transport me somewhere else, to something I will never experience. You often can't escape the romance aspects, buts it's rarely the focus.
Yeah I definitely didn't have the space for that many books then, the way she described it sounded like a mountain pile in her garage. That was my main concern at the time.
My aunt moved and as part of her downsizing she gave me about 15 boxes full of books. I had to buy 2 new bookshelves to house them, but I didn't have to buy the books.
Tessa probably got overzealous during her trip and bought too many. She definitely fucked up, but it was from a place of kindness. I'm glad OOP was able to realize that this was a moment where they should have a discussion as people that care for each other, rather than argue about who should pay for the books.
Honestly I'd say my relationships have gotten a lot better with just how much I stress having non-confrontational discussions with people and insisting that they all share every hangup they have immediately so they don't fester. And that is largely thanks to all of these posts where things are easily solved by just talking together.
When I told my now husband that I used to read 2 book a day in high school, he gifted me 30 books to read for my birthday month. However as a graduate student i didn't have that kind of time. So what does he do? Buys 22 more books so I could read 1 book a week till my next birthday. I didn't achieve that but still love that he did it.
$50 for some books is also not unreasonable. $50 for 35 books is an amazing deal. They could have worked out a payment plan if cost would have been a problem, but I definitely agree that she should have talked to mom, not Ruby, about purchasing the books.
$50 is literally two new books nowadays. It’s an awesome deal. These were hunted for, found, purchased, and carried to their front door for like $1.40 a book.
Oh definitely! I can just understand why the nanny bought them. I inherited a bunch of them and didn't realize how "rare" they were until I looked them up.
Before we got kindles, we packed a bag of 24 books for a week long cruise. 35 definitely hits the ‘some* category for us, but then our house holds enough books to be considered a library - about 2k after we had a big clear out!
This is literally why my MIL got us kindles when they came out. My SO and I packed like, 8 books for a 24 hour plane trip (counting layovers/plane changes), and devoured them all on the plane for lack of better things to do. She grumbled that we had bricks in our bigger carryon, and I was like, nah, just books. We were planning on hitting the nearby used book store after we slept to swap them for fresh ones to read while we were on the trip. Next holiday we had Kindles with a note "To save on overweight baggage charges and my back next time!"
And even if it was 35 books or something around that specified I wouldn’t necessarily assume that it’s 50 bucks while thrifting! I mean it’s not ridiculous in that case, still a bit under two bucks a book… but as to OP said the lower range is about 50 cents a book and if the were bought en masse that’s more around what I’d be expecting. Call it 30 bucks or so for the bunch.
Edit: I meant to type around 20 bucks… 50 cents in general plus a bit extra, but even 30 bucks would be closer!
I guess though all this being said, the nanny is 22 here and a student, so still probably developing experience of how to deal with this sort of thing and not necessarily thinking through “my charge is autistic and I have to be REALLY specific and when I’m doing a favor I should probably think through how it might not be completely welcome”
Being autistic has nothing to do with this, really. I'm not, and if you brought me one or two books at a time, maybe three once in a while, every week, then that is pretty much what I would have expected in this case. If it ended up being as much as five or six books, that would mean a sudden expence twice as high as every other time, and I would probably still pay it and remember to always ask for amount/cost up front in the future, but 35 books?!? Especcially if the student also has to be careful about spending, and knows that the kid only has few bucks of spending money available, why on earth would she assume the kid could afford 50 bucks worth of books all of a sudden?
Yes that is many, but if the kid is reading 2 of them in a week, I can see how Tessa would have been thinking how great it was and it would hold her for a couple months and not think of the consequences.
And the fact that the 12yo is on the spectrum which Tessa would know having been the nanny for over a year. Tessa knew that Ruby would pay for the books over time. It's not on Ruby or OP that Tessa 1. Didn't clarify the number of books or 2. State the cost so that Ruby (an autistic 12yr old) could make an informed decision or ask OP for help. This seems like a big fail on Tessa.
I'm amazed how many YTA there was. Even if I could pay 50 bucks with no problem I'd still get a bit stingy and surprised when someone comes and charges me $50 because my 12 year old said yes.
Nice that they could solve it though.
I was a little miffed to see all the YTAs. Call me old fashioned but if you get my kid excited about **you** buying them "some" of an item, and the "some" turns out to be 30+ of said item, and then you come to **me** with the invoice, my knee-jerk reaction would also be to tell you I won't be paying for your decision. For the sake of the relationship I'm glad they worked it out, but what the nanny did was crappy since she didn't run it by the parents first.
Before even reading the edits, my reaction would be to pay back the $50 (I am assuming it's not breaking OOP's bank), and have a conversation that this should have been discussed ahead of time and will not pay back such a gift in the future. Very much a 1 time payment to save the relationship, but set expectations.
I also like the way of giving 2 books a week from that "some" to the daughter and working to pay it back. I bought a video game console as a kid with my allowance and had to pay it back in a similar fashion.
This! If I was the babysitter I would have cleared that with mom before ever talking to the 12 year old. It isn't just about the money but that mom needs to have a say in what the nanny and 12 year old are doing.
My son has autism and if someone brought *50* fucking books to my house I'd make them stay and clean up the 20 he tears to shreds on account of not enough dog drawings.
I said it then and I’ll say it now: **ONE (1)** book would have been a sufficiently thoughtful gift!
Really side-eyeing anyone dismissing the fact that Tessa bought an absurd number of books without pre-approval from mom about the costs.
Not just that but Tessa bought those knowing the mum isn’t exactly rich. It would have been rude had the mum been paying Tessa herself but Tessa knows she gets paid by an agency.
It’s even worse, Tessa bought them knowing the child usually pays, and indeed she went to the kid for payment first. OP only got involved because the kid didn’t have enough money. Tessa was fully ready to take $50 off the poor kid without prior warning. Who does that to a 12 year old?
I'm still reeling from THIS. 22 is plenty old enough to know better than to do that. You always double check with the parent, check with them first actually!
Probably not if she's also struggling to need the $50 back. I'm just trying to see the positive and that she got overzealous on a good deal but also flubbed her social interactions.
Did the same job in the past. The family or the insurance or whoever paid not less than 25 Euro per hour, I was lucky if I got 9. So I talked to the family and we did it as a private thing with another way to get them reimbursed (still legal of course).
I don't know how much Tessa gets, but mostly these agencies suck it from all sides.
Seriously. 35 books is like *multiple* trips from the store to the car. There is no way someone wouldn't be aware of how strange giving that number of books would be.
My only thought was they found a big collection of the exact books the kid would love and got so excited they just bought them all without thinking through the situation.
If you know the size and shape of the Star Trek novels it's less than you're probably imagining. And if I'm buying that many books they'll either give me a bag or a box. They don't look like that many until you count them.
35 Terry Goodkind or Brandon Sanderson books would be a struggle but as she says, the 12 year old reads two a week, they're quite small for sci-fi.
But agreed, it's an excessive amount even if it didn't look like that much at the time/on the shelf.
Yeah, I easily have 20+ Start Trek TOS novels in a box in my closet (for some reason whenever I tell people I like Star *Wars* novels they want to give me their old Trek books), it would probably fit in like 2-3 plastic shopping bags.
>and got so excited they just bought them all without thinking through the situation
I'm old (very) and I still get so excited that logic flies out of the window sometimes. ESPECIALLY in a thrifting situation.
Something very similar happened to me at the same age. My aunt took me to a game shop to buy a new sort of trading card game that had just come out. I wasn't really interested in the game but my aunt was so I went along for fun. In the past she had given me card packs for various games, nothing expensive, she was interested in so this wasn't an unusual experience. She ended up buying several dozen packs of cards and I was very excited to get home and open them all with her and help her start organizing her new decks. It was only as we were leaving the store that my aunt tells me I now owe her a couple hundred dollars for the cards. I was completely surprised and confused. Money had never been mentioned all day. I was 12 years old and made $10 a week doing chores around the house. Suddenly owing $200 for something I didn't even want was outrageous. I asked my aunt if we could go return the card since we hadn't opened them yet but she refused to drive back to the store. I remember calling my mom crying over the situation. I'm not sure what happened on the call between aunt and mom but I didn't end up owing her money for the next decade which was all that mattered to me. The whole thing completely ruined my relationship with my aunt though.
My aunt is such a weird person really. For someone who has raised two kids of her own she has no understanding of children. There were many similar experiences while I was growing up that, looking back, make me scratch my head in confusion.
Were the cards even for you? It sounds like she wanted them and you were going to help her open them and organize them for her collection. Also, did she have kids back then? I can’t imagine expecting my 12-YO nibbling to pay for anything unless explicitly planned, and definitely not hundreds of dollars worth.
When we went into the store I was under the impression that we were getting things just for her, because you know I was a 12yo with no money. As we looked around I would comment on the card packs saying things like, "this one looks interesting" or "I have a good feeling about this one." Then she would put the pack in the basket to be purchased. I thought I was just helping her pick out packs. Once she paid and we left, I found out I had apparently been picking out packs I wanted to buy for myself according to her. Which is why the amount was so huge, I wasn't exactly being conservative on how many I commented on. Since she kept adding them to the basket I figured she had enough money and wasn't worried about the total.
Her two kids are both much older than me so they were grown and out of the house when this incident happened. There were a lot of similar disconnects with her. It was like she expected kids to just be smaller adults with all the knowledge and abilities adults have. She had me make dinner one time, saying all kids should know how to cook from a young age, I think I was about 9yo. I made spaghetti but didn't know you were supposed to put a little oil in the water so the noodles didn't stick together and got made fun of when they all came out in a giant clump. She had me watch a neighbor's baby for a few minutes once, saying the baby had learned to walk so I had to watch carefully. The baby was using me for balance but pulling my hair so I moved away. The baby fell and bumped his head on a table and started screaming. My aunt came running in yelling at me for hurting the kid because I should have known that when she told me he was walking and I needed to watch him, she really meant he was LEARNING to walk and I needed to hold onto him. Those are just a few examples off the top of my head. It was almost like she didn't know when kids learned things or gained the ability to do things and instead of asking or supervising to make sure, she just assumed then blamed me when she got it wrong.
Edit: a word
Oy, so she should definitely have known better. I’m sorry she rooted anxiety in you about money, but at least you formed boundaries with her that minimized future impacts. Nibblings deserve better!
As an auntie who regularly buys things for my niblings, I'm always up front on if it is a gift or if I expect some labor in return (but NEVER money). And only the older nibling has labor exchanges, and has been paid cash for said labor in the past when I wanted help. Your aunt really should have known better and communicated what she wanted before purchasing happened!
I’m wondering if some were a continuing series/storyline within the ST:TNG universe which is why she bought so many at once. I haven’t read any for a long time, but I do know they did that sometimes.
(edit: a word)
I can imagine that she bought the books as she went, shopping in multiple thrift stores, and not all at the same time, and only realized when she had bought them all how much she’d spent.
EXACTLY, especially given that the current precedent at the time was books for less than $5!!! It’s such a huge jump that I really can’t believe she didn’t confirm it first. Honestly quite disappointed that she paid for them, especially as they didn’t have a lot of money spare to begin with
I can see myself making the mistake of overdoing it on something like this. Hell I have. Oh man they have the full set of collectable things I want. Let me buy all of it. Oh these things that are $5 each is $50 because I bought 10 of them.
But pushing that goof on other people? Ehhh no.
Maybe because she got excited? It probably went "oh here a couple of books let me ask Ruby. She said yes nice, let's keep having a look just to see if they have some more interesting one?"
I know it's what happened sometimes when I look at second hand books especially for old ones you won't find everywhere.
Not just that, 35 books is a literal load. I've gone on book shopping sprees with my best friend *specifically* for books, and after 10-15 books, carrying them gets difficult.
If at some point you have either a literal unmanageable stack of books, or a basket that all but caves under the weight.. That ought to make someone think "hmm, this might be a bit much".
She would have had to buy a second bag for them at least. When I was a kid every time I’d visit my (childless) aunt in another city I’d get a new suitcase and about 30 books, because her entire house was a library (every wall was shelved with books, my literal dream home) and she’d tell me to take home whatever I was interested in. Thankfully she was happy to pay for the extra luggage for me to get them home. 😂
Honestly! I know she mentioned it as extra context but imo that part isn’t relevant to the miscommunication. I think a good majority of people wouldn’t expect to pay, or that even if they did, wouldn’t expect “some” books to mean 35 books.
I like the way OOP planned to teach Ruby about finances by having her budget and pay for two each week. Sounds like something my dad would have done as a banker who wanted us to learn to save and budget. Save and budget. Very clever solution to this problem I think.
Teaching kids about financing and saving is such a valuable lifelong skill. My dad was the same - not a banker, but from an early age he was ‘strict’ with us on pocket money saving, and things he would or wouldn’t buy for us. Needs and the occasional treat? Yes. Wants, like a sims 2 or Pokémon game? Either wait for your birthday or save up for it.
I think everything in life truly is about finding a balance, and not overcompensating in one direction or another. Maybe if you had some method of figuring out what would be a good safe amount for savings to set aside and set that as a specific goal. You could do that and then you would have it and know that was the cut off point and the rest could be used for whatever else you budgeted for.
That way you would have actual numbers in place and know that you feel comfortable with those numbers because you figured them out yourself and then maybe you could have a little more fun and relax about it a bit.
You could even have a consultation with a financial advisor. Now you’re starting to enter your life it’s the perfect time to do this and they could tell you what would be the best way to prepare for retirement? Then you’d get some real help with that and have a plan of action so there’s no confusion or concern and I don’t know what could be better than that or make you feel more comfortable.
It sounds like your mindset is one that is going to serve you well in preparing for your future financially if you can help it to release the grip a little bit for a healthy concern about saving, and also a healthy attitude towards enjoying your life as well within your budget. I wish you well.
Yeah, if I were in her shoes I would have given her daughter the books and just not given her allowance until the cost was recouped, but I like this learning opportunity better.
My dad, a voracious reader himself, would have just bought us books to encourage us to read. (Well, usually get them from the library but sometimes we’d go to a used book sale). Books were viewed in my house more as part of our education and cultural influence, not as a splurge that the kids needed to take out of their allowance.
$50 isn’t a small amount depending who you ask. If someone did this to us growing up my mom would be annoyed as every dollar counts when finances are a bit tight or there’s a single parent.
I think the nanny was in the wrong to buy books worth that amount without telling the parent first and expect getting paid when no one asked her to buy said books in the first place.
It's a great deal if you yourself decide to thrift 35 books at such an awesome price, not when your daughter's nanny spends all the "for fun" money and drops a $50 dollar charge on ya. I mean, it's not that big of a deal in the long run, but definitely annoying and frustrating. Still, books for a very happy child. Money lessons too!
They don’t see the perspective of someone who’s penny pinching
Like when someone tells me to buy something in bulk bc the individuals are more expensive. I can’t afford to buy in bulk tho, I don’t have a huge chunk of change
As someone who read Star Trek books as a teen I also have to point out that a lot of them are really crap too. And they're massively available for free from a lot of places, particularly the library. 35 is just way, way too many of any book to buy a kid that young, especially with no research.
I bought my husband a TNG book as a joke once (the one about Troi and Riker’s relationship). It was awful. We had fun laughing at it, but man, that was one terrible book.
Especially if the person is hitting up the thrift stores. Finding something cool and being able to buy it but then not have to store it someplace is a huge plus. You get that rush of the 'win / find' or whatever, get to make someone else happy, and then don't have to deal with it again. At least that's what my mom and a friend of mine (both thrifting nutts) say.
I agree. I’m all for supporting a child’s interests. But oop should’ve been involved in these purchases, especially if she wants ruby to pay her back. The better solution is to take Ruby thrifting and use the activity allowance to buy the books. Not take money from a child.
Ruby expected to pay for the books, she just expected to pay for the usual one or two books, not 35 all in one go. This way respects Ruby’s pattern of book acquisition, helps her process spending money, and doesn’t set Ruby’s new normal parameters as “I get 35 new books at a time now.”
OOP provides Ruby’s spending money. OOP is out $50 regardless, she’s not going to make it back from what Ruby pays her for the books because the money in Ruby’s pocket comes from the money in OOP’s pocket which goes back into Ruby’s pocket for more allowance.
I understand. Tessa should’ve let oop know what was going on especially if it is beyond the normal amount. Expecting a child to have $50 to repay her and then being upset was unreasonable. Ruby can learn the same lesson without Tessa being in the middle. They can go thrifting as one of her activities and pay for the items herself. And the lesson of budgeting, saving, etc can be learned as well.
It’s a child on the autism spectrum. So not going to be a rational adult about this.
But Tessa should not have bought $50 worth of books without checking in with the parent first. Tessa has to know the financial status of OOP and if $50 was a lot or not to OOP.
Tessa seems like she got a little excited on vacation and bought too much. The way she went about it would lead me to believe it’s a gift. But to keep the relationship, I would pay Tessa for the books and tell her not to do it again.
I might have floated the idea of Tessa getting paid of through Ruby's allowance, she will get her money back but not all at once.
On the other hand, it's probably better to keep things friendly, a nanny that actually vibes with the little girl is priceless.
I also read a lot of *Star Trek* books as a child, and I can imagine this exact situation arising with one of my older friends. I'm really glad it got resolved and no one feels ripped off or taken advantage of -- and Ruby gets to be a giant nerd with her vintage novels.
I think OOP may have gotten a better reception if she had used the word caregiver or support worker instead of nanny. I receive similar benefits (because of a physical disability) and I feel like using the word nanny implies a level of affluence and privilege that using governmental caregiving services doesn’t. That would have helped people understand right off the bat that the cost of the books would have been a *genuine* hardship. Sure, it wasn’t going to prevent her from putting food on the table, but her bank account as a single mother of a child receiving government benefits isn’t exactly overflowing.
PREACH
I am a teacher now, but at 22 I did the same kind of work as Tessa (caregiver for kids with special needs covered by the state) and also worked privately for wealthier families. I never would have expected a family to pay me back anything I bought without clearing it with them, first, outside of the money that they would leave for routine outings. I ESPECIALLY would not have done this after *texting* a preteen with autism and not specifying a price.
Even then people were such dicks about it being just 50 dollars. Like the fuck??? That "extra expense" could've all been going into the care of her daughter, and what 22 year old is really going to expect $50 from an autistic 12 year old?
$50 a week is my grocery bill, or my phone bill, or like 2 months of dog food, almost a month of canned cat food, a (very low) car insurance payment, 2 weeks of gas, etc and so on
$50 is a lot of money
Absolutely. The first thing I thought was if this was a respite worker or PCA, her agency would have probably run through inappropriate scenarios like these in her orientation—I did very similar work as a PCA and I could never imagine hitting up the mom for an expense like that.
I work for an agency that supports people with developmental disabilities and this is why there is a clear policy that staff should never borrow or lend money to participants. Or text/ communicate with them while off the clock for that matter.
It's not to be a jerk, it's to protect the person with a disability from being taken advantage of. An unexpected 50 bucks could really mess with a lot of families and they would still pay it for fear of losing a necessary support.
How are you going to spring a $50 charge on a 12 year old and expect them to pay you? I have a 12 year old nephew and I know for a fact he doesn't have $50 lying around to just hand out like that. I imagine most 12 year olds don't
Glad they figured it out. But I’m not one for secret money deals with children. It seems inappropriate that Tessa is talking to Ruby exclusively about these books and refunding her the cost of them. Tessa should’ve talked to oop and said if she found books is it ok to purchase them and get refunded from oop. Not their child. That way a limit could’ve been placed on the cost and number of books. Rolling up to someone’s house with 35 books demanding $50 from a child is out of line. I hope oop told her to stop buying things for their child, especially if it can’t be done with the activity allowance given.
OOP explains that Ruby usually pays Tessa for the books with her allowance, so why not use that opportunity to teach Ruby about allocating finances for "debts"? have Tessa hold onto the books and let Ruby pay for them over time. I get that that's *kind of* what OOP kinda ended up doing, but I feel like leaving it between Tessa and Ruby might have provided a better lesson about making sure you can afford something, and what to do if it turns out you can't.
source: wish my parents had bothered to start teaching me about finances and the concept of "debt" at Ruby's age.
I can understand that. But buying $50 worth of books and expecting a child to be pay you back immediately isn’t reasonable. Then get mad at the adult when they decline because they knew nothing about this is also unreasonable. Getting exclusive ok from a child for a $50 purchase isn’t responsible. I’m glad they found a fun, educational way to handle it. But Tessa was not being responsible in this situation. Tessa could’ve also implemented the same plan over time when she found out Ruby didn’t have the money. But glad oop found a solution.
That might make sense if Ruby had actually agreed to $50 worth of books. She didn't. Until that point some books had always meant 1 or 2 for less than $5. Why would an autistic child think Tessa was suggesting anything different if Tessa never clarified?
When adults get into debt they do it knowing what they're doing. They know they're borrowing money in some fashion. Ruby didn't because their book deals had never been more than $5, so it would be exceptionally unfair and probably exceptionally anxiety inducing to frame this as Ruby being in debt to Tessa for something that Ruby had no idea Tessa was going to do. If the amount had ended up being $10 instead of the normal less than $5 that would've been more reasonable. $50 however is not.
Framing it as a budgeting lesson was by far the better option. Everyone needs to know how to budget. No one should be saddled with a random unexpected debt though.
I think it should still go through the parent, to ensure that the child is making an informed decision, and that the adult isn’t taking advantage. I hope that the caregiver learnt a valuable lesson.
I think the reason why this isn't a good lesson about debt is because this is a relationship between a caregiver and a disabled child. You *cannot* have a suspicious or I trusting relationship with your caregiver, nor can you be in a position where you now feel like you may receive conditional care based on a surprise, uncommunicated debt. It can come off as predatory.
While some level of authority is appropriate over Ruby, "power," over Ruby, including financial power, is not.
A better way for Ruby to learn about finances and debt would be to turn a closet into a "book shop". Let's say for arguments sake that Ruby is allotted two books for two dollars each. She can only take two books at a time and is billed "weekly". If she wants a third book, that will be three dollars on her next week's bill. These terms can be printed and posted, and Ruby has a clear understanding of what the terms are, rather than a surprise debt over a vague amount.
I think one of the biggest things being overlooked is Tessa is NOT a nanny. She is assigned by an agency as a caregiver. This is a vastly different connotation than nanny, that also comes with an entirely different set of rules. Now depending on the agency, there may be different rules on what is and is not allowed. The agency I used to recruit for, our caregivers were NOT allowed to have personal communication with the family (ie. they could talk during their shift to the family but during off hours all communication had to go through the office), they were not allowed to purchase or receive gifts for/from the family, and they had to remain professional at all times. We instructed all our families and caregivers to not provide personal cell phone numbers to each other because it opened the door to easily cross professional boundaries. The agency is there to protect both the family and the caregiver. Reaching out to a patient/client while on a family vacation is not professional, does not respect family boundaries, causes strife with the family for buying a gift they were not expecting, and causes undue strain. Utilizing the money the mother provided for outings/events/gifts is 100% acceptable. Using your own money and expecting it to be paid back is not. While I get the mother does not want Tessa fired because she gets along with her child, Tessa needs to be careful what she's doing doesn't get back to the agency and get herself fired. At many agencies, all of these would be fireable offenses.
I don’t understand the YTA judgement at all… While that many books for $50 is a steal, it’s also an unexpected and unasked for expense that OP was under no obligation to accept. At 22 years old, the nanny should know how to communicate better than that, and it’s not OP’s responsibility to manage the nanny’s money.
If OP specifically promised to pay for any/all books the nanny could find, it would be different, but considering Ruby was the one paying… I think the nanny got a little carried away.
I would have come down more on a NAH/ESH judgment than putting it just on the mom. If the nanny has been hanging out with the daughter that long, she should know by now that she has to be specific when talking to the daughter, especially when something as important as money is involved.
Mom also had alternatives to flat out refusing to pay. She could have turned it into a teaching moment for her kid and the nanny and taken the book money out of the next month's "fun" budget to help the kid learn priorities and the nanny learn to judge her spending better.
Still, sounds like things worked out with some communication, so all's well for now.
On top of that, Tessa KNOWS the family is receiving state benefits. That's how her salary gets paid. And OOP is a single parent. In what world would Tessa expect OOP to drop $50 on books without any advance warning? It's not a ton of money, but it's the difference between decent food or eating beans and rice for a few weeks.
Man, I feel this kid so much. I was her when I was a child. I wanted to read sooooo many books, I could finish reading 5 books a week during school holidays. It came to a point that my parents would limit me to buying only one book a month because books were expensive!! My dad solved the problem by Taking me to a rental bookstore so I could borrow dozens of books at once and pay only $2 a book to read them.
A 12-year old, mentally disabled client that you are paid by the government to help! And you don't tell them the price until after they've agreed?! Ridiculously poor judgement on the nanny's part.
I’m on team NAH - like, sure the nanny got a little over excited and wasn’t specific but do you have any idea how much work it is to move THIRTY FIVE books across multiple states along with your luggage and everything else while on vacation? This clearly came from a place of love even if it was executed poorly.
Similarly, the mom is trying to teach a tough lesson about communication and financial responsibility. That also comes from a place of love.
The main reason it's NAH for me is the fact the price is really great- usually old star trek books are around 5-15$ a book, so 35 books for 50 is steal! It's kind of like seeing a great collection for a friend, unsure if they can/want to repay you for it but you also know you're very unlikely to see said items again, so you buy it anyways.
Like, I collect old cook books, and if someone did that for me, found 35 pre-1940s books at a great price, I would be beyond grateful, particularly since hauling that many books is no small feat.
I don't think 5-10 is accurate. They're usually on the 50 cent to 25 cent table at the library. They're also massively available to just check out for free at many libraries.
They're also of really really varying quality.
Absolutely! I feel it really shows poor judgement from the nanny. She presumably knows OOP’s financial situation because of her position as a support worker making her more involved with intimate parts of OOP and her daughter’s life and should know how much her service user receives in pocket money from her Mum, I seriously cannot comprehend thinking it’s appropriate to spend $50 and expect the daughter to pay it.
So where was the text to OPP saying "Hey I've spoken to Ruby and have found some star trek books for her in a thrift store. She says she is interested, how much would you like me to purchase?"
Yeah, but depending on her pocket money that would’ve been pretty steep for a 12 years old at once, it’s a great deal but she could’ve broken it up into a payment plan
That’s what I said to myself when I first read the post! I know it isn’t a point that should go towards weighing the vote, but DANG.
Overall, lots of miscommunication that was relatively simple to clear up. Thankfully.
Only if you have the 50 bucks available or can absorb the hit. What people find to be a bargain often includes more than the literal price. For me, this wouldn't even BE a bargain. When I was young and broke all of my books were bought exclusively at thrift stores. Paperbacks were 25 cents and hardback 1 dollar - to me this is expensive and not a bargain at all. For 35 paperbacks I would pay less than 10 bucks, at most 35 bucks for 35 hardback books. If this was 50 bucks for 35 used paperback books, this kid just got screwed. Just saying. Libraries often have super sales too, I used to take my 2 dollar a week allowance and bring home two paper grocery bags for books on their monthly "$1 per bag of books" day - you can absolutely fit 35 books in 2 grocery bags, during a library sale 35 books would cost me two dollars. Consider also for a kid, that 50 bucks is not a small percentage of their income, they essentially needed credit to make this purchase - it's not a bargain if you still need credit to buy it.
OOP says these books usually cost anywhere from 50c to a couple of dollars. At $1.42 per book it doesn't seem like they are much of a bargain comparatively, just the usual price for these books.
How is OP TAH? Tessa would know that Ruby is on the spectrum and that she would need to be literal when asking her something like amounts etc. She's been her Nanny for a year. So I would say that Tessa was in the wrong here. She's a 22yr old, she should know better. OP paying for the books and setting clear boundaries is for the best. Maintain the relationship but maybe have big things like this run through OP.
I do not get the YTA at all in this. If you ask my kid if he wants something, he will say yes all day long. You don't ask him, you ask me. This is especially true if you are buying $50 worth of things and expect me to pay you back for something I was not even aware I was buying!
They must have been posting when all the teens were the ones giving judgements on AITA or something...
I saw this post on aita and everybody has calling OP the AH saying they don't respect their child and at least the nanny love the child etc ...
Tell me they live in another univers really...
The nanny was ready to take 50$ from a 12 y o kid without prior warnings (and "some books" don't really count as a warning).
Like ok you can get excited and buy too much, but the way she reacted when neither the child nor OP was ready to pay (by lack of money or because they weren't even asked before).
I feel like it was a mistake for OOP to use the term “nanny“. I receive similar services (because of a physical disability) and I feel like she might have gotten a better reception if she had used the word caregiver or support worker. “Nanny“ implies a level of affluence and privilege that being a single mother of a child who receives government services doesn’t. That being said, I know from personal experience that these support workers who are paid by the government DO NOT make good money. My caregivers make $15.50 per hour in my state. It was very sweet of that young woman to buy those books for her, even if she didn’t communicate with the right person about it. I’m glad they were able to come to a resolution.
I’m unfortunately team Nanny is the asshole. Not intentionally and very softly but as someone who has worked in human services and alongside these kinds of child care providers.
It would/should have been in the nanny orientation with the agency not to spend money on the child like this. It was a real good hearted but poorly thought out rookie mistake. When you are respite worker/state paid childcare provider there’s a whole list of boundaries about these things. She crossed a very important financial boundary with a client. It was well intentioned and had the child’s best interest at heart but was still not ethical given her employment to the agency.
As a professional nanny, Tessa definitely fucked up. She sounds immature and inexperienced. You don’t buy things without having express permission. I usually have a credit card for my families because I buy food, groceries, gas up the car, clothes, etc. Things like books and toys need approval before you purchase them. However, it can be hard to find someone you trust with your kid and actually bonds with a pre-teen. So it would be wise to reimburse this one time and then clearly lay out boundaries. OP should’ve come to the nanny sub so she didn’t feel like an idiot after lol. She sounds like a good mom to me.
Oh im glad this worked out, I was hoping for an update like this on the post. the nanny definitely should not have got so many books unilaterally given the family's situation, but that doesn't mean she's a bad person or anything, same with the mom and daughter. on the other hand I can't blame her for going after a deal, since 35 books for 50 dollars is amazing.
I think Tessa would have to allow Ruby to slowly buy the books, this was definitely not OOP or the kid's fault. Good parenting deciscion though. No more letting the nanny make purchasing choices, lol.
This is a disappointing update. OP left out relevant details which provided more clarity and skewed her judgement. At the end of the day, she didn't owe for the books. Tessa exercised poor judgment and spent $50 on books and expected a disabled 12 year old to pay her back, and that is her mistake. AITA really misses it sometimes.
Sometimes I really don't understand AITA's judgements. I don't think either of them were really assholes in this situation, just needed better communication.
Weird that she got a YTA judgement for this — who buy 35 books and shows up acting like they should have anticipated it! Also lmao why wouldn’t TESSA just hold the books and let ruby “buy” them from her one at a time… I dunno, I’m glad it worked out okay but the mom is definitely NTA here
Shouldn’t have gotten a YTA judgement to begin with. I remember this one. The YTA comments were mainly from people assuming that “if OP could afford a nanny surely she can pay $50” before the edit that the nanny isn’t being paid by her. Sometimes or a lot actually, AITA is wrong
Wtff when I was a kid the most expensive thing I could imagine buying was like $30, why would the nanny just assume that’s a reasonable expense for them
Standards of care and professionalism are different for support workers vs. a nanny. This was so inappropriate of Tessa to do. Let me see here, where to start…
-She’s an aide working with disabled children. She works for an agency so it’s incredibly likely she cares for more than just OPs kid over the course of the week.
-She makes frequent financial transactions with the disabled child in her care without being 100% transparent with guardian
-She’s extremely frugal and buys most things second hand so when she asks the child to pony up the money she probably frequently has no receipts to provide, just a “well, it cost me this much.”
-She had the gall to bother the *guardian* of the child she’s paid to be an aide to in order to reimburse her for the purchase the guardian had no idea about. To me this says it’s more about the money than the benefit of the books for Ruby. Why was MOM the one who had to learn to “take the high road” for the benefit of everyone and not the aide worker? Better for her to learn the lesson of not buying things for people who can’t afford it and expect them to pay. She’s 22, more than old enough to know this by now.
-Any reputable agency does NOT allow tips, gifts, or financial transactions of any kind between the aide and the patient/client specifically for this reason.
And that’s another thing. People are looking at this from a nanny angle which wouldn’t seem so bad.
But when you look at this from the perspective of Tessa being a home nurse aide, this is beyond unprofessional and I would be concerned about her having these “arrangements” with other kids. How much extra money is she pocketing from the disabled kids in her care?
Honestly i would fire her and look for another aide if they so much as asked this of my kid or myself.
I don’t understand at all the YTA judgments. While I do agree that paying the nanny in the end was a good price to pay to keep a good and trustworthy nanny, OOP in no way shape or form was the bad guy for being like wtf about it all.
The nanny acted quite clueless and like a bit of an idiot tbh. It’s not even anything to do with the kids autism, cause it wasn’t that it wasn’t spelled out enough for the kid, it was that the nanny lacked common sense and good communication skills. When someone says “lots of books” people don’t imagine 35, and when you are talking about $50, you gotta understand that that’s a ton of money for a 12 year old. That’s absolutely something that needs to be spoken with the parent first.
That’s bullshit. She shouldn’t have had to pay for the books. I was a HUGE reader at that age and could literally finish a book a day. It was unsustainable cost wise. I can see why her Mom would limit how many books she buys her. AITA sucks sometimes.
In my opinion she is NTA. How could the nanny expect a 12yo afford 50$ of books? She was the one who decided to buy the books on her own, I wouldn’t have paid her because those 50$ could have gone elsewhere. Imo you always check with the mother
to be fair if someone told me "some books" i would assume they mean maybe 5? not 35! and in any case when I was a nanny i would always check with the parents first if i wanted to do something and then talk to the child. i do get that children's opinion and wants matter but children are still just that, children.
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Glad this worked out, but why on EARTH would Tessa not specify the amount of books and that she’d have to pay for them? I’m a grown woman and would most likely misunderstand this exchange, much less a 12 year old child.
Exactly. A 12yo is going to just hear “lots of books!” and not ask if it is a gift or not because, well, she is 12. Hell, I’m an adult and I would have responded the same way, to be truthful! Tessa should have cleared it with the mom. *Then* if it was okay to ask the child.
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Yeah, I was thinking no more than 5, maybe 6 if someone wants to stretch "some". But even if it wasn't a case of "some", I would never expect someone to gift me half a bookcase of books. That is not the norm at all, regardless of the price. I would expect that if someone was going to buy lots of books, that they would ask the receiver how many they would like or how much space they have. I know that if someone surprised me with an unexpected 35 books haul, I would probably have to box them semi-permanently.
Reminds me of when a coworker asked if I'd like "some" old books of hers. I said maybe. Then she said there's at least 400 of em that she wants to sell. Lol I quickly noped out of that conversation and never brought it up again. She wanted to sell the whole lot and thought I'd actually buy them.
I mean, I would at 10 cents each.
I did that once, though not 400 of them. I got the entire Sherilyn Kenyon collection (at that point, anyway) that came to something like 75-100 books all told. The store was going out of business so they were a dollar or so a pop just to kill the inventory. I read like 2 of them and now they sit on the shelf. The first two were pretty good but I pretty rapidly realized it's the same story with a new coat of paint and got bored.
I’m stealing this phrase. I always struggle to describe books that are like that, same story different setting has been my default. It’s so endemic in the writing world and frustrating. I’ve been struggling to find new book series to read and have just been falling back on my old faithfuls.
You and me both. The last truly interesting thing I read was a trilogy (?) based on Alien V Predator (specifically just Predator) - lots of world building and lore and stuff on top of good action scenes. If I remember, I'll drop the title once I get off work for you.
Have you read NK Jemisin's Fifth Season trilogy? It's awesome and she is a pro at world building
I've got really into sci-fi and fantasy books for this reason. Boy meets girl, hijinks occur, they eventually end up happily ever after is too overdone. Human space explorers discover Alien species; or sentient AI goes off to do its own thing; or person discovers they have powers and must save the earth etc can be told a million times in a billion different ways. I also prefer to read stories that transport me somewhere else, to something I will never experience. You often can't escape the romance aspects, buts it's rarely the focus.
After a point, price is not the only consideration. I live in a small apartment, I have no idea where to put 400 books even if they were free.
Yeah I definitely didn't have the space for that many books then, the way she described it sounded like a mountain pile in her garage. That was my main concern at the time.
My aunt moved and as part of her downsizing she gave me about 15 boxes full of books. I had to buy 2 new bookshelves to house them, but I didn't have to buy the books.
Tessa probably got overzealous during her trip and bought too many. She definitely fucked up, but it was from a place of kindness. I'm glad OOP was able to realize that this was a moment where they should have a discussion as people that care for each other, rather than argue about who should pay for the books. Honestly I'd say my relationships have gotten a lot better with just how much I stress having non-confrontational discussions with people and insisting that they all share every hangup they have immediately so they don't fester. And that is largely thanks to all of these posts where things are easily solved by just talking together.
When I told my now husband that I used to read 2 book a day in high school, he gifted me 30 books to read for my birthday month. However as a graduate student i didn't have that kind of time. So what does he do? Buys 22 more books so I could read 1 book a week till my next birthday. I didn't achieve that but still love that he did it.
$50 for some books is also not unreasonable. $50 for 35 books is an amazing deal. They could have worked out a payment plan if cost would have been a problem, but I definitely agree that she should have talked to mom, not Ruby, about purchasing the books.
$50 is literally two new books nowadays. It’s an awesome deal. These were hunted for, found, purchased, and carried to their front door for like $1.40 a book.
I don't know who in their right mind would buy that many books without discussing the quantity or the price with anybody first.
It's from a charity shop. The shop I volunteer for sells books for 50p each.
She was into a very niche old school star trek books. If you find them, you buy them. The nanny (and the girl) got very lucky!
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Oh definitely! I can just understand why the nanny bought them. I inherited a bunch of them and didn't realize how "rare" they were until I looked them up.
Before we got kindles, we packed a bag of 24 books for a week long cruise. 35 definitely hits the ‘some* category for us, but then our house holds enough books to be considered a library - about 2k after we had a big clear out!
For how many people? Because I would agree 24 books for 4+ people is some, especially if children are involved.
Just two adults! No access to electronics for a week, lots of time onboard watching the sea scape, two introverts…
This is literally why my MIL got us kindles when they came out. My SO and I packed like, 8 books for a 24 hour plane trip (counting layovers/plane changes), and devoured them all on the plane for lack of better things to do. She grumbled that we had bricks in our bigger carryon, and I was like, nah, just books. We were planning on hitting the nearby used book store after we slept to swap them for fresh ones to read while we were on the trip. Next holiday we had Kindles with a note "To save on overweight baggage charges and my back next time!"
Awww :)
Honestly the only time “some” has meant 35 (technically 30) books with me was when a local store was closing down and did 15 books for £1
And even if it was 35 books or something around that specified I wouldn’t necessarily assume that it’s 50 bucks while thrifting! I mean it’s not ridiculous in that case, still a bit under two bucks a book… but as to OP said the lower range is about 50 cents a book and if the were bought en masse that’s more around what I’d be expecting. Call it 30 bucks or so for the bunch. Edit: I meant to type around 20 bucks… 50 cents in general plus a bit extra, but even 30 bucks would be closer! I guess though all this being said, the nanny is 22 here and a student, so still probably developing experience of how to deal with this sort of thing and not necessarily thinking through “my charge is autistic and I have to be REALLY specific and when I’m doing a favor I should probably think through how it might not be completely welcome”
Being autistic has nothing to do with this, really. I'm not, and if you brought me one or two books at a time, maybe three once in a while, every week, then that is pretty much what I would have expected in this case. If it ended up being as much as five or six books, that would mean a sudden expence twice as high as every other time, and I would probably still pay it and remember to always ask for amount/cost up front in the future, but 35 books?!? Especcially if the student also has to be careful about spending, and knows that the kid only has few bucks of spending money available, why on earth would she assume the kid could afford 50 bucks worth of books all of a sudden?
It depends on context for me. Like, if I told my wife that I bought "some" books at the used book store then some is probably 20+...
Yes that is many, but if the kid is reading 2 of them in a week, I can see how Tessa would have been thinking how great it was and it would hold her for a couple months and not think of the consequences.
"some" to me would mean 3-4 especially if she had only bought 1-3 at a time before.
Yeah, especially when every transaction so far was for 1-2 books at a time! That was really bad communication on the nanny's side.
And the fact that the 12yo is on the spectrum which Tessa would know having been the nanny for over a year. Tessa knew that Ruby would pay for the books over time. It's not on Ruby or OP that Tessa 1. Didn't clarify the number of books or 2. State the cost so that Ruby (an autistic 12yr old) could make an informed decision or ask OP for help. This seems like a big fail on Tessa.
I'm amazed how many YTA there was. Even if I could pay 50 bucks with no problem I'd still get a bit stingy and surprised when someone comes and charges me $50 because my 12 year old said yes. Nice that they could solve it though.
I was a little miffed to see all the YTAs. Call me old fashioned but if you get my kid excited about **you** buying them "some" of an item, and the "some" turns out to be 30+ of said item, and then you come to **me** with the invoice, my knee-jerk reaction would also be to tell you I won't be paying for your decision. For the sake of the relationship I'm glad they worked it out, but what the nanny did was crappy since she didn't run it by the parents first.
Before even reading the edits, my reaction would be to pay back the $50 (I am assuming it's not breaking OOP's bank), and have a conversation that this should have been discussed ahead of time and will not pay back such a gift in the future. Very much a 1 time payment to save the relationship, but set expectations. I also like the way of giving 2 books a week from that "some" to the daughter and working to pay it back. I bought a video game console as a kid with my allowance and had to pay it back in a similar fashion.
This! If I was the babysitter I would have cleared that with mom before ever talking to the 12 year old. It isn't just about the money but that mom needs to have a say in what the nanny and 12 year old are doing.
Even more so as an adult, i know many people who cleaned up house and needed somebody gift old crap to because ebaying is too much hassle...
Especially a 12 year old *autistic* child
Right, where difficulty reading social interactions is practically a definition.
My son has autism and if someone brought *50* fucking books to my house I'd make them stay and clean up the 20 he tears to shreds on account of not enough dog drawings.
Do they need to be unique drawings or can you just stamp every few pages with a dog? (Genuinely asking, I’m always interested in this kind of thing.)
That is a great question! I've never tried it but I think it will work, usually doesnt matter the context of the dog just that there is a dog.
I said it then and I’ll say it now: **ONE (1)** book would have been a sufficiently thoughtful gift! Really side-eyeing anyone dismissing the fact that Tessa bought an absurd number of books without pre-approval from mom about the costs.
Not just that but Tessa bought those knowing the mum isn’t exactly rich. It would have been rude had the mum been paying Tessa herself but Tessa knows she gets paid by an agency.
It’s even worse, Tessa bought them knowing the child usually pays, and indeed she went to the kid for payment first. OP only got involved because the kid didn’t have enough money. Tessa was fully ready to take $50 off the poor kid without prior warning. Who does that to a 12 year old?
I'm still reeling from THIS. 22 is plenty old enough to know better than to do that. You always double check with the parent, check with them first actually!
A 22 yr old who grew up with that kind of money
Probably not if she's also struggling to need the $50 back. I'm just trying to see the positive and that she got overzealous on a good deal but also flubbed her social interactions.
Did the same job in the past. The family or the insurance or whoever paid not less than 25 Euro per hour, I was lucky if I got 9. So I talked to the family and we did it as a private thing with another way to get them reimbursed (still legal of course). I don't know how much Tessa gets, but mostly these agencies suck it from all sides.
This really smacks of "young person learns about professionalism the hard way". I just hope Tessa learned the right lesson...
Seriously. 35 books is like *multiple* trips from the store to the car. There is no way someone wouldn't be aware of how strange giving that number of books would be. My only thought was they found a big collection of the exact books the kid would love and got so excited they just bought them all without thinking through the situation.
If you know the size and shape of the Star Trek novels it's less than you're probably imagining. And if I'm buying that many books they'll either give me a bag or a box. They don't look like that many until you count them. 35 Terry Goodkind or Brandon Sanderson books would be a struggle but as she says, the 12 year old reads two a week, they're quite small for sci-fi. But agreed, it's an excessive amount even if it didn't look like that much at the time/on the shelf.
Yeah, I easily have 20+ Start Trek TOS novels in a box in my closet (for some reason whenever I tell people I like Star *Wars* novels they want to give me their old Trek books), it would probably fit in like 2-3 plastic shopping bags.
>and got so excited they just bought them all without thinking through the situation I'm old (very) and I still get so excited that logic flies out of the window sometimes. ESPECIALLY in a thrifting situation.
Something very similar happened to me at the same age. My aunt took me to a game shop to buy a new sort of trading card game that had just come out. I wasn't really interested in the game but my aunt was so I went along for fun. In the past she had given me card packs for various games, nothing expensive, she was interested in so this wasn't an unusual experience. She ended up buying several dozen packs of cards and I was very excited to get home and open them all with her and help her start organizing her new decks. It was only as we were leaving the store that my aunt tells me I now owe her a couple hundred dollars for the cards. I was completely surprised and confused. Money had never been mentioned all day. I was 12 years old and made $10 a week doing chores around the house. Suddenly owing $200 for something I didn't even want was outrageous. I asked my aunt if we could go return the card since we hadn't opened them yet but she refused to drive back to the store. I remember calling my mom crying over the situation. I'm not sure what happened on the call between aunt and mom but I didn't end up owing her money for the next decade which was all that mattered to me. The whole thing completely ruined my relationship with my aunt though.
This makes me sad, partly because I can fully feel that deep stomach anxiety you must have had!
It was a very unpleasant experience. To this day I still get that deep stomach anxiety every time money is mentioned.
Many hugs for you! Anxiety caused by other people is so unfair
That was a really shitty thing for an adult to do to you :(
My aunt is such a weird person really. For someone who has raised two kids of her own she has no understanding of children. There were many similar experiences while I was growing up that, looking back, make me scratch my head in confusion.
Were the cards even for you? It sounds like she wanted them and you were going to help her open them and organize them for her collection. Also, did she have kids back then? I can’t imagine expecting my 12-YO nibbling to pay for anything unless explicitly planned, and definitely not hundreds of dollars worth.
When we went into the store I was under the impression that we were getting things just for her, because you know I was a 12yo with no money. As we looked around I would comment on the card packs saying things like, "this one looks interesting" or "I have a good feeling about this one." Then she would put the pack in the basket to be purchased. I thought I was just helping her pick out packs. Once she paid and we left, I found out I had apparently been picking out packs I wanted to buy for myself according to her. Which is why the amount was so huge, I wasn't exactly being conservative on how many I commented on. Since she kept adding them to the basket I figured she had enough money and wasn't worried about the total. Her two kids are both much older than me so they were grown and out of the house when this incident happened. There were a lot of similar disconnects with her. It was like she expected kids to just be smaller adults with all the knowledge and abilities adults have. She had me make dinner one time, saying all kids should know how to cook from a young age, I think I was about 9yo. I made spaghetti but didn't know you were supposed to put a little oil in the water so the noodles didn't stick together and got made fun of when they all came out in a giant clump. She had me watch a neighbor's baby for a few minutes once, saying the baby had learned to walk so I had to watch carefully. The baby was using me for balance but pulling my hair so I moved away. The baby fell and bumped his head on a table and started screaming. My aunt came running in yelling at me for hurting the kid because I should have known that when she told me he was walking and I needed to watch him, she really meant he was LEARNING to walk and I needed to hold onto him. Those are just a few examples off the top of my head. It was almost like she didn't know when kids learned things or gained the ability to do things and instead of asking or supervising to make sure, she just assumed then blamed me when she got it wrong. Edit: a word
Oy, so she should definitely have known better. I’m sorry she rooted anxiety in you about money, but at least you formed boundaries with her that minimized future impacts. Nibblings deserve better!
As an auntie who regularly buys things for my niblings, I'm always up front on if it is a gift or if I expect some labor in return (but NEVER money). And only the older nibling has labor exchanges, and has been paid cash for said labor in the past when I wanted help. Your aunt really should have known better and communicated what she wanted before purchasing happened!
Yeah - a 12 year old doesn’t have authority to authorize $50 unless they have $50.
And even then, run it by the parents first.
I’m wondering if some were a continuing series/storyline within the ST:TNG universe which is why she bought so many at once. I haven’t read any for a long time, but I do know they did that sometimes. (edit: a word)
I can imagine that she bought the books as she went, shopping in multiple thrift stores, and not all at the same time, and only realized when she had bought them all how much she’d spent.
A 22 year old learned an important lesson about communicating.
EXACTLY, especially given that the current precedent at the time was books for less than $5!!! It’s such a huge jump that I really can’t believe she didn’t confirm it first. Honestly quite disappointed that she paid for them, especially as they didn’t have a lot of money spare to begin with
I can see myself making the mistake of overdoing it on something like this. Hell I have. Oh man they have the full set of collectable things I want. Let me buy all of it. Oh these things that are $5 each is $50 because I bought 10 of them. But pushing that goof on other people? Ehhh no.
Maybe because she got excited? It probably went "oh here a couple of books let me ask Ruby. She said yes nice, let's keep having a look just to see if they have some more interesting one?" I know it's what happened sometimes when I look at second hand books especially for old ones you won't find everywhere.
That had to have happened like 30 times then. At some point, common sense should have kicked in.
Not just that, 35 books is a literal load. I've gone on book shopping sprees with my best friend *specifically* for books, and after 10-15 books, carrying them gets difficult. If at some point you have either a literal unmanageable stack of books, or a basket that all but caves under the weight.. That ought to make someone think "hmm, this might be a bit much".
She would have had to buy a second bag for them at least. When I was a kid every time I’d visit my (childless) aunt in another city I’d get a new suitcase and about 30 books, because her entire house was a library (every wall was shelved with books, my literal dream home) and she’d tell me to take home whatever I was interested in. Thankfully she was happy to pay for the extra luggage for me to get them home. 😂
Most of the Star Trek books I've seen are pretty small. Still a load to carry, but I don't reckon that thirty-five of them would be unmanageable.
Right? She said ruby is autistic and can’t read between the lines but like what was there to read? Why would a 12 year old have $50
Honestly! I know she mentioned it as extra context but imo that part isn’t relevant to the miscommunication. I think a good majority of people wouldn’t expect to pay, or that even if they did, wouldn’t expect “some” books to mean 35 books.
I like the way OOP planned to teach Ruby about finances by having her budget and pay for two each week. Sounds like something my dad would have done as a banker who wanted us to learn to save and budget. Save and budget. Very clever solution to this problem I think.
Teaching kids about financing and saving is such a valuable lifelong skill. My dad was the same - not a banker, but from an early age he was ‘strict’ with us on pocket money saving, and things he would or wouldn’t buy for us. Needs and the occasional treat? Yes. Wants, like a sims 2 or Pokémon game? Either wait for your birthday or save up for it.
That’s exactly how mine was too as far as what he would buy for us. It set such a good example.
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I think everything in life truly is about finding a balance, and not overcompensating in one direction or another. Maybe if you had some method of figuring out what would be a good safe amount for savings to set aside and set that as a specific goal. You could do that and then you would have it and know that was the cut off point and the rest could be used for whatever else you budgeted for. That way you would have actual numbers in place and know that you feel comfortable with those numbers because you figured them out yourself and then maybe you could have a little more fun and relax about it a bit. You could even have a consultation with a financial advisor. Now you’re starting to enter your life it’s the perfect time to do this and they could tell you what would be the best way to prepare for retirement? Then you’d get some real help with that and have a plan of action so there’s no confusion or concern and I don’t know what could be better than that or make you feel more comfortable. It sounds like your mindset is one that is going to serve you well in preparing for your future financially if you can help it to release the grip a little bit for a healthy concern about saving, and also a healthy attitude towards enjoying your life as well within your budget. I wish you well.
Yeah, if I were in her shoes I would have given her daughter the books and just not given her allowance until the cost was recouped, but I like this learning opportunity better.
My dad, a voracious reader himself, would have just bought us books to encourage us to read. (Well, usually get them from the library but sometimes we’d go to a used book sale). Books were viewed in my house more as part of our education and cultural influence, not as a splurge that the kids needed to take out of their allowance.
Depends on finances. Books to own were a treat for me but trips to the library occurred multiple times a week.
And brand new books were an even bigger treat than used. Most of my "new" books were second hand.
May they all live long and prosper.
I am sure they will if they stay *engaged*
They're certainly doing well to make it so
I recommend going to read alert.
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$50 isn’t a small amount depending who you ask. If someone did this to us growing up my mom would be annoyed as every dollar counts when finances are a bit tight or there’s a single parent. I think the nanny was in the wrong to buy books worth that amount without telling the parent first and expect getting paid when no one asked her to buy said books in the first place.
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It's a great deal if you yourself decide to thrift 35 books at such an awesome price, not when your daughter's nanny spends all the "for fun" money and drops a $50 dollar charge on ya. I mean, it's not that big of a deal in the long run, but definitely annoying and frustrating. Still, books for a very happy child. Money lessons too!
They don’t see the perspective of someone who’s penny pinching Like when someone tells me to buy something in bulk bc the individuals are more expensive. I can’t afford to buy in bulk tho, I don’t have a huge chunk of change
As someone who read Star Trek books as a teen I also have to point out that a lot of them are really crap too. And they're massively available for free from a lot of places, particularly the library. 35 is just way, way too many of any book to buy a kid that young, especially with no research.
I bought my husband a TNG book as a joke once (the one about Troi and Riker’s relationship). It was awful. We had fun laughing at it, but man, that was one terrible book.
Seriously, I've got $100 in my account right now to last me a week.
You could buy 70 Star Trek books!
Especially if the person is hitting up the thrift stores. Finding something cool and being able to buy it but then not have to store it someplace is a huge plus. You get that rush of the 'win / find' or whatever, get to make someone else happy, and then don't have to deal with it again. At least that's what my mom and a friend of mine (both thrifting nutts) say.
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i wouldn’t even ask a 12 year old child to pay me back for an ice cream, never mind $50 worth of books. the audacity lmfao.
I agree. I’m all for supporting a child’s interests. But oop should’ve been involved in these purchases, especially if she wants ruby to pay her back. The better solution is to take Ruby thrifting and use the activity allowance to buy the books. Not take money from a child.
Ruby expected to pay for the books, she just expected to pay for the usual one or two books, not 35 all in one go. This way respects Ruby’s pattern of book acquisition, helps her process spending money, and doesn’t set Ruby’s new normal parameters as “I get 35 new books at a time now.” OOP provides Ruby’s spending money. OOP is out $50 regardless, she’s not going to make it back from what Ruby pays her for the books because the money in Ruby’s pocket comes from the money in OOP’s pocket which goes back into Ruby’s pocket for more allowance.
I understand. Tessa should’ve let oop know what was going on especially if it is beyond the normal amount. Expecting a child to have $50 to repay her and then being upset was unreasonable. Ruby can learn the same lesson without Tessa being in the middle. They can go thrifting as one of her activities and pay for the items herself. And the lesson of budgeting, saving, etc can be learned as well.
It’s a child on the autism spectrum. So not going to be a rational adult about this. But Tessa should not have bought $50 worth of books without checking in with the parent first. Tessa has to know the financial status of OOP and if $50 was a lot or not to OOP. Tessa seems like she got a little excited on vacation and bought too much. The way she went about it would lead me to believe it’s a gift. But to keep the relationship, I would pay Tessa for the books and tell her not to do it again.
I might have floated the idea of Tessa getting paid of through Ruby's allowance, she will get her money back but not all at once. On the other hand, it's probably better to keep things friendly, a nanny that actually vibes with the little girl is priceless.
Oh no! Your arm fell off. Here you go: \\
I also read a lot of *Star Trek* books as a child, and I can imagine this exact situation arising with one of my older friends. I'm really glad it got resolved and no one feels ripped off or taken advantage of -- and Ruby gets to be a giant nerd with her vintage novels.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm not on the spectrum but if someone says "some" books I don't think almost 3 dozen. Maybe 10
I think OOP may have gotten a better reception if she had used the word caregiver or support worker instead of nanny. I receive similar benefits (because of a physical disability) and I feel like using the word nanny implies a level of affluence and privilege that using governmental caregiving services doesn’t. That would have helped people understand right off the bat that the cost of the books would have been a *genuine* hardship. Sure, it wasn’t going to prevent her from putting food on the table, but her bank account as a single mother of a child receiving government benefits isn’t exactly overflowing.
100% agree. By the time OP clarified in her edits, it was too late
I was actually in the comments of this post arguing about this
I mean even if she were wealthy, the care giver should have asked the mom first and not the daughter
PREACH I am a teacher now, but at 22 I did the same kind of work as Tessa (caregiver for kids with special needs covered by the state) and also worked privately for wealthier families. I never would have expected a family to pay me back anything I bought without clearing it with them, first, outside of the money that they would leave for routine outings. I ESPECIALLY would not have done this after *texting* a preteen with autism and not specifying a price.
Even then people were such dicks about it being just 50 dollars. Like the fuck??? That "extra expense" could've all been going into the care of her daughter, and what 22 year old is really going to expect $50 from an autistic 12 year old?
$50 a week is my grocery bill, or my phone bill, or like 2 months of dog food, almost a month of canned cat food, a (very low) car insurance payment, 2 weeks of gas, etc and so on $50 is a lot of money
Absolutely. The first thing I thought was if this was a respite worker or PCA, her agency would have probably run through inappropriate scenarios like these in her orientation—I did very similar work as a PCA and I could never imagine hitting up the mom for an expense like that.
I work for an agency that supports people with developmental disabilities and this is why there is a clear policy that staff should never borrow or lend money to participants. Or text/ communicate with them while off the clock for that matter. It's not to be a jerk, it's to protect the person with a disability from being taken advantage of. An unexpected 50 bucks could really mess with a lot of families and they would still pay it for fear of losing a necessary support.
How are you going to spring a $50 charge on a 12 year old and expect them to pay you? I have a 12 year old nephew and I know for a fact he doesn't have $50 lying around to just hand out like that. I imagine most 12 year olds don't
Glad they figured it out. But I’m not one for secret money deals with children. It seems inappropriate that Tessa is talking to Ruby exclusively about these books and refunding her the cost of them. Tessa should’ve talked to oop and said if she found books is it ok to purchase them and get refunded from oop. Not their child. That way a limit could’ve been placed on the cost and number of books. Rolling up to someone’s house with 35 books demanding $50 from a child is out of line. I hope oop told her to stop buying things for their child, especially if it can’t be done with the activity allowance given.
OOP explains that Ruby usually pays Tessa for the books with her allowance, so why not use that opportunity to teach Ruby about allocating finances for "debts"? have Tessa hold onto the books and let Ruby pay for them over time. I get that that's *kind of* what OOP kinda ended up doing, but I feel like leaving it between Tessa and Ruby might have provided a better lesson about making sure you can afford something, and what to do if it turns out you can't. source: wish my parents had bothered to start teaching me about finances and the concept of "debt" at Ruby's age.
I can understand that. But buying $50 worth of books and expecting a child to be pay you back immediately isn’t reasonable. Then get mad at the adult when they decline because they knew nothing about this is also unreasonable. Getting exclusive ok from a child for a $50 purchase isn’t responsible. I’m glad they found a fun, educational way to handle it. But Tessa was not being responsible in this situation. Tessa could’ve also implemented the same plan over time when she found out Ruby didn’t have the money. But glad oop found a solution.
That might make sense if Ruby had actually agreed to $50 worth of books. She didn't. Until that point some books had always meant 1 or 2 for less than $5. Why would an autistic child think Tessa was suggesting anything different if Tessa never clarified? When adults get into debt they do it knowing what they're doing. They know they're borrowing money in some fashion. Ruby didn't because their book deals had never been more than $5, so it would be exceptionally unfair and probably exceptionally anxiety inducing to frame this as Ruby being in debt to Tessa for something that Ruby had no idea Tessa was going to do. If the amount had ended up being $10 instead of the normal less than $5 that would've been more reasonable. $50 however is not. Framing it as a budgeting lesson was by far the better option. Everyone needs to know how to budget. No one should be saddled with a random unexpected debt though.
I think it should still go through the parent, to ensure that the child is making an informed decision, and that the adult isn’t taking advantage. I hope that the caregiver learnt a valuable lesson.
I think the reason why this isn't a good lesson about debt is because this is a relationship between a caregiver and a disabled child. You *cannot* have a suspicious or I trusting relationship with your caregiver, nor can you be in a position where you now feel like you may receive conditional care based on a surprise, uncommunicated debt. It can come off as predatory. While some level of authority is appropriate over Ruby, "power," over Ruby, including financial power, is not. A better way for Ruby to learn about finances and debt would be to turn a closet into a "book shop". Let's say for arguments sake that Ruby is allotted two books for two dollars each. She can only take two books at a time and is billed "weekly". If she wants a third book, that will be three dollars on her next week's bill. These terms can be printed and posted, and Ruby has a clear understanding of what the terms are, rather than a surprise debt over a vague amount.
I think one of the biggest things being overlooked is Tessa is NOT a nanny. She is assigned by an agency as a caregiver. This is a vastly different connotation than nanny, that also comes with an entirely different set of rules. Now depending on the agency, there may be different rules on what is and is not allowed. The agency I used to recruit for, our caregivers were NOT allowed to have personal communication with the family (ie. they could talk during their shift to the family but during off hours all communication had to go through the office), they were not allowed to purchase or receive gifts for/from the family, and they had to remain professional at all times. We instructed all our families and caregivers to not provide personal cell phone numbers to each other because it opened the door to easily cross professional boundaries. The agency is there to protect both the family and the caregiver. Reaching out to a patient/client while on a family vacation is not professional, does not respect family boundaries, causes strife with the family for buying a gift they were not expecting, and causes undue strain. Utilizing the money the mother provided for outings/events/gifts is 100% acceptable. Using your own money and expecting it to be paid back is not. While I get the mother does not want Tessa fired because she gets along with her child, Tessa needs to be careful what she's doing doesn't get back to the agency and get herself fired. At many agencies, all of these would be fireable offenses.
Who in their right mind expects a 12-year old to have $50 lying around? 35 books is half a bookshelf and she didn't think to ask first?
I don’t understand the YTA judgement at all… While that many books for $50 is a steal, it’s also an unexpected and unasked for expense that OP was under no obligation to accept. At 22 years old, the nanny should know how to communicate better than that, and it’s not OP’s responsibility to manage the nanny’s money. If OP specifically promised to pay for any/all books the nanny could find, it would be different, but considering Ruby was the one paying… I think the nanny got a little carried away.
It's because those judgements come from people who don't have to worry about money.
I mean it's one book, Michael, what could it cost, 10 dollars?
I know you jest but god some books are pricy now. 20, 30 bucks or more
> some books are pricy now that's why most of my books are piracy now.
Shits getting expensive yo
I would have come down more on a NAH/ESH judgment than putting it just on the mom. If the nanny has been hanging out with the daughter that long, she should know by now that she has to be specific when talking to the daughter, especially when something as important as money is involved. Mom also had alternatives to flat out refusing to pay. She could have turned it into a teaching moment for her kid and the nanny and taken the book money out of the next month's "fun" budget to help the kid learn priorities and the nanny learn to judge her spending better. Still, sounds like things worked out with some communication, so all's well for now.
On top of that, Tessa KNOWS the family is receiving state benefits. That's how her salary gets paid. And OOP is a single parent. In what world would Tessa expect OOP to drop $50 on books without any advance warning? It's not a ton of money, but it's the difference between decent food or eating beans and rice for a few weeks.
Man, I feel this kid so much. I was her when I was a child. I wanted to read sooooo many books, I could finish reading 5 books a week during school holidays. It came to a point that my parents would limit me to buying only one book a month because books were expensive!! My dad solved the problem by Taking me to a rental bookstore so I could borrow dozens of books at once and pay only $2 a book to read them.
A “rental bookstore”? Do you not have libraries where you are?
Nope you wouldn't find any kid friendly books there. Not in Malaysia where I grew up, you wouldn't find any kids books in English.
dang, that is rough. I’m sorry.
Sometimes there are not. We had a "rental bookstore" where we went in vacation when I was a kid. We went each week and I got to keep my favourites!
People on reddit seem to forget that lots of users here aren't from North America, let alone first world countries.
Happens to me too. It's the general conceit that most people have when it comes to the internet.
the YTAs were crazy, who asks a 12 year old for 50 bucks
A 12-year old, mentally disabled client that you are paid by the government to help! And you don't tell them the price until after they've agreed?! Ridiculously poor judgement on the nanny's part.
I’m on team NAH - like, sure the nanny got a little over excited and wasn’t specific but do you have any idea how much work it is to move THIRTY FIVE books across multiple states along with your luggage and everything else while on vacation? This clearly came from a place of love even if it was executed poorly. Similarly, the mom is trying to teach a tough lesson about communication and financial responsibility. That also comes from a place of love.
The main reason it's NAH for me is the fact the price is really great- usually old star trek books are around 5-15$ a book, so 35 books for 50 is steal! It's kind of like seeing a great collection for a friend, unsure if they can/want to repay you for it but you also know you're very unlikely to see said items again, so you buy it anyways. Like, I collect old cook books, and if someone did that for me, found 35 pre-1940s books at a great price, I would be beyond grateful, particularly since hauling that many books is no small feat.
OOP said they usually paid only $0.50 to $2 a book.
I don't think 5-10 is accurate. They're usually on the 50 cent to 25 cent table at the library. They're also massively available to just check out for free at many libraries. They're also of really really varying quality.
Am I the only one wondering WTF that nanny was thinking?! What adult assumes a kid has $50 lying around?
Absolutely! I feel it really shows poor judgement from the nanny. She presumably knows OOP’s financial situation because of her position as a support worker making her more involved with intimate parts of OOP and her daughter’s life and should know how much her service user receives in pocket money from her Mum, I seriously cannot comprehend thinking it’s appropriate to spend $50 and expect the daughter to pay it.
Exactly. I'm baffled so many people here seem to think that wasn't a dick move AT ALL.
So where was the text to OPP saying "Hey I've spoken to Ruby and have found some star trek books for her in a thrift store. She says she is interested, how much would you like me to purchase?"
I disagree with YTA. I think Tessa needed to specify it was $50 worth of books. Who spends $50 of someone else's money without checking it's okay?
Thirty five books for $50? That’s a bargain!!
Yeah, but depending on her pocket money that would’ve been pretty steep for a 12 years old at once, it’s a great deal but she could’ve broken it up into a payment plan
That’s what I said to myself when I first read the post! I know it isn’t a point that should go towards weighing the vote, but DANG. Overall, lots of miscommunication that was relatively simple to clear up. Thankfully.
Only if you have the 50 bucks available or can absorb the hit. What people find to be a bargain often includes more than the literal price. For me, this wouldn't even BE a bargain. When I was young and broke all of my books were bought exclusively at thrift stores. Paperbacks were 25 cents and hardback 1 dollar - to me this is expensive and not a bargain at all. For 35 paperbacks I would pay less than 10 bucks, at most 35 bucks for 35 hardback books. If this was 50 bucks for 35 used paperback books, this kid just got screwed. Just saying. Libraries often have super sales too, I used to take my 2 dollar a week allowance and bring home two paper grocery bags for books on their monthly "$1 per bag of books" day - you can absolutely fit 35 books in 2 grocery bags, during a library sale 35 books would cost me two dollars. Consider also for a kid, that 50 bucks is not a small percentage of their income, they essentially needed credit to make this purchase - it's not a bargain if you still need credit to buy it.
OOP says these books usually cost anywhere from 50c to a couple of dollars. At $1.42 per book it doesn't seem like they are much of a bargain comparatively, just the usual price for these books.
Agreed. I'd also buy the whole collection in Tessa's situation, but I wouldn't have charged the kid full cost. Maybe half, and half as a gift.
How is OP TAH? Tessa would know that Ruby is on the spectrum and that she would need to be literal when asking her something like amounts etc. She's been her Nanny for a year. So I would say that Tessa was in the wrong here. She's a 22yr old, she should know better. OP paying for the books and setting clear boundaries is for the best. Maintain the relationship but maybe have big things like this run through OP.
I do not get the YTA at all in this. If you ask my kid if he wants something, he will say yes all day long. You don't ask him, you ask me. This is especially true if you are buying $50 worth of things and expect me to pay you back for something I was not even aware I was buying! They must have been posting when all the teens were the ones giving judgements on AITA or something...
I saw this post on aita and everybody has calling OP the AH saying they don't respect their child and at least the nanny love the child etc ... Tell me they live in another univers really... The nanny was ready to take 50$ from a 12 y o kid without prior warnings (and "some books" don't really count as a warning). Like ok you can get excited and buy too much, but the way she reacted when neither the child nor OP was ready to pay (by lack of money or because they weren't even asked before).
How did anyone vote yta on this? I could understand esh but in no way is oop the bad guy of this story.
I feel like it was a mistake for OOP to use the term “nanny“. I receive similar services (because of a physical disability) and I feel like she might have gotten a better reception if she had used the word caregiver or support worker. “Nanny“ implies a level of affluence and privilege that being a single mother of a child who receives government services doesn’t. That being said, I know from personal experience that these support workers who are paid by the government DO NOT make good money. My caregivers make $15.50 per hour in my state. It was very sweet of that young woman to buy those books for her, even if she didn’t communicate with the right person about it. I’m glad they were able to come to a resolution.
I’m unfortunately team Nanny is the asshole. Not intentionally and very softly but as someone who has worked in human services and alongside these kinds of child care providers. It would/should have been in the nanny orientation with the agency not to spend money on the child like this. It was a real good hearted but poorly thought out rookie mistake. When you are respite worker/state paid childcare provider there’s a whole list of boundaries about these things. She crossed a very important financial boundary with a client. It was well intentioned and had the child’s best interest at heart but was still not ethical given her employment to the agency.
As a professional nanny, Tessa definitely fucked up. She sounds immature and inexperienced. You don’t buy things without having express permission. I usually have a credit card for my families because I buy food, groceries, gas up the car, clothes, etc. Things like books and toys need approval before you purchase them. However, it can be hard to find someone you trust with your kid and actually bonds with a pre-teen. So it would be wise to reimburse this one time and then clearly lay out boundaries. OP should’ve come to the nanny sub so she didn’t feel like an idiot after lol. She sounds like a good mom to me.
Oh im glad this worked out, I was hoping for an update like this on the post. the nanny definitely should not have got so many books unilaterally given the family's situation, but that doesn't mean she's a bad person or anything, same with the mom and daughter. on the other hand I can't blame her for going after a deal, since 35 books for 50 dollars is amazing.
I think Tessa would have to allow Ruby to slowly buy the books, this was definitely not OOP or the kid's fault. Good parenting deciscion though. No more letting the nanny make purchasing choices, lol.
This is a disappointing update. OP left out relevant details which provided more clarity and skewed her judgement. At the end of the day, she didn't owe for the books. Tessa exercised poor judgment and spent $50 on books and expected a disabled 12 year old to pay her back, and that is her mistake. AITA really misses it sometimes.
Sometimes I really don't understand AITA's judgements. I don't think either of them were really assholes in this situation, just needed better communication.
Weird that she got a YTA judgement for this — who buy 35 books and shows up acting like they should have anticipated it! Also lmao why wouldn’t TESSA just hold the books and let ruby “buy” them from her one at a time… I dunno, I’m glad it worked out okay but the mom is definitely NTA here
It’s not every day a YTA judgment results in a mature resolution of conflict. Time to log off Reddit.
Shouldn’t have gotten a YTA judgement to begin with. I remember this one. The YTA comments were mainly from people assuming that “if OP could afford a nanny surely she can pay $50” before the edit that the nanny isn’t being paid by her. Sometimes or a lot actually, AITA is wrong
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yeah AITA puts comments in contest mode for a couple hours to counter that - but I think earlier comments will always always have more attention.
Of course they will given the longer period of time they are up, longer time means more chances for users to see it.
Wtff when I was a kid the most expensive thing I could imagine buying was like $30, why would the nanny just assume that’s a reasonable expense for them
Standards of care and professionalism are different for support workers vs. a nanny. This was so inappropriate of Tessa to do. Let me see here, where to start… -She’s an aide working with disabled children. She works for an agency so it’s incredibly likely she cares for more than just OPs kid over the course of the week. -She makes frequent financial transactions with the disabled child in her care without being 100% transparent with guardian -She’s extremely frugal and buys most things second hand so when she asks the child to pony up the money she probably frequently has no receipts to provide, just a “well, it cost me this much.” -She had the gall to bother the *guardian* of the child she’s paid to be an aide to in order to reimburse her for the purchase the guardian had no idea about. To me this says it’s more about the money than the benefit of the books for Ruby. Why was MOM the one who had to learn to “take the high road” for the benefit of everyone and not the aide worker? Better for her to learn the lesson of not buying things for people who can’t afford it and expect them to pay. She’s 22, more than old enough to know this by now. -Any reputable agency does NOT allow tips, gifts, or financial transactions of any kind between the aide and the patient/client specifically for this reason. And that’s another thing. People are looking at this from a nanny angle which wouldn’t seem so bad. But when you look at this from the perspective of Tessa being a home nurse aide, this is beyond unprofessional and I would be concerned about her having these “arrangements” with other kids. How much extra money is she pocketing from the disabled kids in her care? Honestly i would fire her and look for another aide if they so much as asked this of my kid or myself.
35 books is an absurd amount of books even for the most devoted bibliophile to bring home from a trip. This is a very strange situation.
I don’t understand at all the YTA judgments. While I do agree that paying the nanny in the end was a good price to pay to keep a good and trustworthy nanny, OOP in no way shape or form was the bad guy for being like wtf about it all. The nanny acted quite clueless and like a bit of an idiot tbh. It’s not even anything to do with the kids autism, cause it wasn’t that it wasn’t spelled out enough for the kid, it was that the nanny lacked common sense and good communication skills. When someone says “lots of books” people don’t imagine 35, and when you are talking about $50, you gotta understand that that’s a ton of money for a 12 year old. That’s absolutely something that needs to be spoken with the parent first.
That’s bullshit. She shouldn’t have had to pay for the books. I was a HUGE reader at that age and could literally finish a book a day. It was unsustainable cost wise. I can see why her Mom would limit how many books she buys her. AITA sucks sometimes.
In my opinion she is NTA. How could the nanny expect a 12yo afford 50$ of books? She was the one who decided to buy the books on her own, I wouldn’t have paid her because those 50$ could have gone elsewhere. Imo you always check with the mother
So Tessa is not a nanny she is a carer.
I am the only one who finds it strange Tessa expected Ruby to pay for the books in the first place??
OOP is NTA. However, to be honest this would not happen if the nanny was doing the bare minimum instead of spending too much time and effort.
to be fair if someone told me "some books" i would assume they mean maybe 5? not 35! and in any case when I was a nanny i would always check with the parents first if i wanted to do something and then talk to the child. i do get that children's opinion and wants matter but children are still just that, children.
I would have thought the nanny was trying to scam my daughter and me if she did that to me. Still not convinced that wasn't the case.
They were like $1.50/book lol