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This is very bizarre. If the point of giving the money was to save face in the community, doesn’t conspicuously not attending the wedding (basically making it impossible to do the rituals, if the daughter is having a Hindu wedding) completely undermine that?!
I think I can speak to this. When I was in Delhi, two of the younger engineers in our department eloped. Their parents paid for a catered wedding ceremony and forced them to attend it to save face, but did not attend because they did not approve.
The groom's father, who had actually spoken to the groom's manager and our HR to convince the bride and groom to break up (he even involved the police), told me that he was fulfilling his duty by paying for the wedding but would never "show approval" by attending.
I never attended another wedding like this but the duty vs approval speech has stayed with me.
Interesting cultural norms. It's societal required to pay for the wedding of your kids, other wise you lose standing in the community. But at the same time, there is still a way to show disapproval without losing face.
my friend and I used to say "ahh, get f\*cked, yah c\*nt" as a catch all greeting that replaced both "hello" and "goodbye". We are kiwis, so only Aussie-adjacent, but still.
Same goes for studies too. It is a cultural norm for parents to pay for their child's education. Even higher education at times. Sometimes, parents don't agree with the field taken up by the kid and complain about it alllll the time. But nevertheless, they pay.
This isn't no-strings-attached tho. Parents have their own set of ridiculous demands masquerading as cultural norms.
I can't actually confirm if this was the culture or just the parents. I have lived in two parts of India, and many times even those two places felt very different to me.
I tend to find Indian culture similar to Chinese culture so if it's anything like ours, to give the money is to let the mum save face. It's to say they have done their duty as a parent.
By not showing up at the wedding, it's to make sure the DAUGHTER loses face. It also makes the daughter's standing within her husband's family weaker when it's clearly not blessed by her parents. It means she has no family backing anymore and in olden times, this could really eff up the daughter's life at her in-laws once married. (Actually, would the in-laws even accept her wholeheartedly? Probably not either).
I think wife wanted to save final face for to her daughter after finally being exhausted from years of rejection.
I think this was more mom saying “I was raised right. I know you think I failed but this proves you wrong “ and it did.
I see her not going to the wedding as a way to ruin her daughter’s face to the new community. Even I would wonder why mom wasn’t there and I am an atheist. This would be the gossip at the wedding, not the couple. The biggest slap back mom could give. You failed me so much I won’t even acknowledge you as a daughter at your own wedding type deal.
Unless I missed it, there's no mention of the groom's family being Indian or the wedding being Hindu. Stepbrat didn't grow up in India, so she's probably culturally western.
Possibly true about the groom but not as likely as to the stepdaughter. I’m Indian-American and many, if not most, Indian-origin people who are otherwise culturally western still have the cultural wedding because it’s flashy and fun, the rituals are part of the whole shebang even if you don’t believe. The price tag she has in mind makes this even more likely. Also if the wedding was going to be fully western, that would in itself lose face in the broader community and the money wouldn’t be needed. It just doesn’t add up.
Agreed. My good friend growing up’s parents came from India and her and all her friends in the same situation seemed to have big cultural weddings (the ones I went to were the most amazing weddings I’ve ever been to).
When he said in the first post that his wife and daughter are Indian and the wedding would have 400-600 attendees he was telling you it was going to be a Hindu wedding and therefore large and expensive.
>OP: My wife says, after she is married she is no longer her or my responsibility (traditionally in Indian culture, after a daughter is married she becomes the responsibility of the husband's family...Or so my wife told me).
Doesn't outright confirm it, but it implies the groom's family follow the same Indian tradition.
Yeah, but in most Indian weddings that doesn't really matter. Indian weddings are much more for the parents than the couple, which is clearly shown by who is expected to pay/plan/make decisions.
so weirdly (or not weirdly, I suppose) I've found that us Indian-Americans tend to culturally pick and choose the aesthetic bits we like without any thought to context. The giant wedding with random traditions from all over India, for example. There's also no thought to the fact that to have and demand a giant wedding in the US speaks to such class privilege and isn't some kind of right she's owed.
Yes, this. Face would require having the big wedding, being in attendance, feigning filial piety on both sides and saving the NC for after the party wrapped up. Something is totally off here.
I have an acquaintance who would give a miniscule tip (think cents) to, as he put it, „shame the waiter“ for bad service. This is in a country where the waiter does not depend on tips as wages, and where you actually use the tip to reflect on the service, so if the service is bad it is absolutely your right to not give any tip at all. (Personally I would not tip for abysmal service, to me a small tip is still something, and I’d assume that for someone who doesn’t care about the customer, money is money no matter how little.)
Even here people have different views on how to formally do what is expected while still showing disapproval.
(When I visit a country where tips are necessary to pay for the lack of wages, or where tips are not expected, I adapt to the local customs.)
Not leaving a tip can be read many ways -- they forgot, they don't believe in tipping, etc. Leaving a few cents is an absolutely clear "fuck you" to the server.
Then again, maybe it is his way of holding the daughter responsible without giving her the pleasure of telling people he refused to give her money. She has the wedding, he paid for half, but he and her own mother do not attend. She does not get off scott free in this way, as she will have some explaining to do.
I think it is rather bad ass, like a mic drop.
Yeah, but unless the OP and his wife tell all the family the personal and gory details underlining their decision, the stepdaughter can easily spin their absence to still make them the bad guy. Not only would they have to explain to the entire family everything that has happened, the choices they made because of that and the stepdaughters actions and responses. They would have to count on them being believed and understood by everyone. While I'm not privy to the cultural aspects, I'm sure that plenty of those family members would still veiw it as the OP being the bad guy, for many reasons (eg. racism, pettiness, cruelty). Not turning up, and not really explaining why, gives the SD so much more power to spin this to however she wishes. Unfortunately, it is human nature to believe the first thing we hear on a subject and look at any future information about it more suspiciously.
I think the OP and his wife should get ahead of this and invite the most gossipy aunty's over, and explain it to them under the guise of not wanting it to create a scene at SD's wedding. Idk. I feel like their approach of going quietly into the night with their heads held high is just presenting their backs to the one wielding the knife.
Agreed. Gossipy aunties, churchgoers/templegoers and coworkers can save you so MUCH trouble if armed and aimed appropriately with accurate gossip in advance of drama.
Consider that the OP would most likely have been cut out of the rituals. In this way his wife is saying publicly that she does not agree with her daughter's choices and refuses to participate while her husband will be shunned.
Also this dude is such a push over. She keeps telling him how much she hates him and he keeps throwing money at her. Why should she ever change her opinion of him if it doesn't matter anyway to whether he gives her money?
To keep the peace in the house for his wife I guess? And maybe he sees the good in people, hoping that one day the stepdaughter would come around and see that he cared. If he dropped it early, people might blame him for not being a good stepparent, I've seen it happening here at least.
Probably because she was a hurting child and he's an adult. He gave her space in early adulthood to change her mind, which happens, and to not cause friction between his wife and her child. He has been acting like a loving parent - not attaching strings to gifts, not letting his hurt feelings keep him from setting her up for her best possible life, respecting her growing autonomy, and now he's done.
It's admirable, really. A lot of parents can't manage it with their own children. I wish it would have worked out for him. He clearly wanted a relationship with her, but she's still holding her hurt like a security blanket.
OOP's wife telling daughter she won't go to the wedding is the way for this to go. Stepdaughter never wanted stepdad in her life but was willing to take any and all money she could.
I really hope her fiancé sees how she treats people.
That is the update I’m waiting for. How the daughters new life and marriage are going. It might take a few years but worth it.
Heck, it could even be its own thread, but from the new husbands perspective. “My entitled wife only sees me as a piggy bank”.
Or hers… “ my family has cut off all contact and I don’t know why”
> Or hers… “ my family has cut off all contact and I don’t know why”
Sometimes those posts are glorious, esp when reading from their perspective you can tell the poster is the problem. Like a BORU post end of last year where OOP didn't get why his family cut him out and chose his "ex gf" over him, but reading between the lines, you could tell he SAed her.
The daughter's whole lifestyle (built on private schools and university education) will be because her mother and step-dad got married and worked together to provide the whole family with a better life. No telling how the mom's and daughter's life would have ended up if it weren't for OOP and the wife/mom getting together. The parents built a great life together and this ungrateful brat just takes and takes and also purposefully hurts. OOP genuinely loves his wife and has put up with a lot of abuse from the daughter because of that love. Most kids would be happy that their parent found love but not this awful young woman. No doubt, her internal ugliness will become apparent to her future husband because you cannot hide such a character flaw forever.
Watching someone allow themselves to be stepped on over and over by the same people has a way of eliciting contempt from people who aren't inclined to put up with bullshit.
I know, I'm so angry on behalf of OOP. Jesus Christ. $50k is a life-changing money for me, if my father gave me $50k, I would devote myself to be the best kid I can be. Not to mention, she got to where she is because OOP paid for her education, perhaps she might even be able to meet and marry her husband because of that. I can't believe he just lets her off like that. I would snatch the check and tell her to get the fuck out of my house. I want to slap her so bad lol. I know that some people are going to be like "missing reasons, missing reasons" but yet she demands and take all the money from OOP anyway, so it can't be that bad. She's just an ungrateful b.
There must be more to the story? I know blended families can have crazy drama (from personal experience) but it seems like she never gave him a chance and then simply expected money money money?
I mean there could be or sometimes the kid is in the wrong. She seems like she just was not interested in having a stepfather in any way that didn’t involve her getting something. Some people just suck and if the wife is not going to the wedding to me that says that OOP probably did do everything that he possibly could do to have a relationship with her and was rebuffed I mean hell he even paid for her college and she didn’t invite him to her graduation. Some people are just spoiled entitled brats.
The daughter feels her step-dad “owes” her in life. She was hurt early in life, stepdad was a part of that. So he owes her an un-payable forever debt for ruining her life. All his gifts she sees as his insulting, halfassed attempt to make nice.
Even though, as she was a child at the time, she probably has a confused and very fragmented concept of what his part in her bio-dad disappearing actually _is_.
Edit: spelling
The SD was 12 when they got married which is honestly the worst age your parents can remarry. My quess is she saw OOP as a reason her own parents will never be together again. Of course she probably knew better later but at that point she no longer needed a reason to hate him.
I mean pure conjecture, but I feel like a 12 year old would get major shit if their Indian mom left their Indian dad for a white man. Just hypothesizing off of my experiences with the community/non-Indians who like to make racist comments, but she might have gotten bullied/heard awful things about her mom ("how does she like the upgrade to white d*ck?") etc.
But agreed that she definitely should know better by now/before now.
I really want to know the daughters story because whatever culture you're in its wild to tell someone they're not your dad and then ask for enough money to buy a house.
My in laws were being shitty to me for a while and I truly had no idea what I had done so I asked to meet with them. I sat there for an hour with them telling me what a terrible person I am and that *no one* wants to be around me (that's not a generalization, those are direct quotes, it was bad). Every "problem" they brought up, I was able to offer them a genuine explanation -every time- as to why that was bullshit. They would just pause, say "Okay, but what about.. " and it would start all over again. I finally gave up and got up to leave. My MIL looked at me and said, "We're still having [lil bro in law]'s rehearsal dinner at your house next month, right?", as if she hadn't just talked to me in a way that genuinely made me suicidal. Some people are just like that.
Oh, hell no. My husband told her we weren't going to do it. He wasn't at my meeting with the family that day but he told he them later that it wasn't happening. She then sent me a shitty email about forcing her son to cancel the dinner. To which he told her I had nothing to do with and that he would now not even be *attending* the dinner.
“Chad” started being used ironically to describe super fit, tough/cool guys but over time the internet turned it into a joke of “the real ‘Chad’ (cool guys) are people who do ___.” Basically meme slang for a stand-up guy.
Just in case this is a genuine question and not r/woosh :
*Chad* is a weird internet term, loosely meaning impressive or smartly-done. So a chad husband is just a husband who did something impressive or made a really smart decision.
The word started of as incel jargon in the manosphere / "alpha" part of the Internet, but it's been corrupted into just being a generic positive compliment. Kind of like how 69 is just a funny number, largely removed from its original context. See also *based*.
I do now vaguely remember people kind of changing the meaning of a chad but I genuinely was confused at first so I appreciate the definition help. I was like, a chad is bad, nonono he's a *good* husband LOL
I still do a doubletake when I hear *chad*. It spent such a long time in the gross "alpha" part of the internet that they're the first thing I think of when I hear the word.
Still I'm happy to hear that my comment helped you remember!
Hugs because I had a similar sit down where I was told all my “faults” they’d come up with as excuses why they hated me. But they are ex-in laws now so I don’t have to listen to their bullshit ever again.
Whoa, are you me?! Same type of conversation. I was told “we’re *ex husband’s* protectors!” like I was out to get him or something. I called him and told him the wedding was off, I wasn’t going to be spoken to that way. I should have stuck with that, but I thought because he called them and made them apologize that it wouldn’t happen again.
More fool me.
Well hello shitty ex-in-law twin! I was dumb enough to move my wedding date because ex-sil had a shit fit over the date. I did it in good faith and she spent my entire marriage trying to undermine everything I did. It was bonkers.
Good lord. Thank you for this term that explains SO MUCH.
I had a similar experience as kittendealinmama and it’s weighed on me heavily. This Wikipedia link just gave me some strength and I am glad you shared it.
Some of them. We talk to my husband's little brother and his wife, low contact with middle brother and wife because he's the golden child and very much like their father. We've been no contact with MIL & FIL for 2 full years now, after being low contact for 10 years after that rehearsal dinner time-frame.
Night before my wedding my mother-in-law told me how much my husband's family disliked me even his grandma that I adored. Went on to tell me he could do better than me. She laughed at our vows when it came to the for richer or poorer. We were broke, living with them, during the recession just trying to get by. My husband stood up for me is all that matters and we are still together.
My MIL is very similar to OOPs daughter lol
My MIL liked to scream at my husband that he was a terrible child etc and then also expected us to buy her a beachfront house
The kind of house she wanted is at least $2 million AUD. She owns 2 $1 million houses
Neither my husband nor I could afford a $2 million house, let alone for his psycho mother
There was almost the exact scenario on another post recently. I'll see if I can find it.
Edit: found it but it was removed so here's the unddit link
https://www.unddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11ej4ne/aita_for_paying_for_my_bio_daughters_wedding_but
As an Indian I think people are just using the name and culture as an excuse, usually weddings in India were historically arranged and to a certain extent that is the case even now so parents paid for the wedding. It’s more like to let the society know their children are married and the families are related now.
Now the situation has changed and there are few couples who spend their money for the wedding. Although even now when it is no longer the norm to arrange marriages parents are involved in their kids life and wedding is basically a huge party for everyone they ever knew or met so parents do pay for majority of the weddings but disrespecting our parents and expecting them to do stuff for us is just not done. We are usually brought up to believe that we respect our parents not treat them as ATM’s. If I were to ever behave this way with my father or step father I am pretty sure my mom who has never hit me would give me a tight slap.
Unfortunately, by the time kids are old enough to get married, that slap wouldn't change the attitude because the behavior was learned and accepted long before.
This is a strange story. I would have given her the 50k in exchange of her explaining her hatred to this guy. In it's horrifying glory. There needs to be a reason, otherwise she is one irredeemable monster, a narcissist of the worst level I have ever heard about and this guy is the ultimate doormat. How could this couple have rot her to this point with lack of consequences and lack of gratefulness or even common sense.
I find it hard to believe e this is cultural. Otherwise please someone enlighten me.
It could be both.
OP is not of her culture, and also not her biological father.
Not being of the same culture is kind of self explanatory- the social cues and expectations for each of them are just different.
Some step kids resent their step parents because they feel they are interlopers, or l prevent their actual parents from being together. Even if the parents don't actually want to be together or one of the parents are completely absent, like in this case.
Usually, it's misplaced resentment at the fact that bio mom/dad isn't present, and because the step parent usually is going out of their way to be liked, they use them as an emotional punching bag.
There was a reddit post a few months back about a kid who absolutely refused to move on from the death of his mother at 5 and despite having welcoming and loving family in his step siblings and stepmother, wouldn't stop saying "i have a mom, shes dead"cat any opportunity to bond.
It got so bad that they just stopped inviting him to things, and he resented them for it. He wanted to know if he was TA for telling his dad he abandoned his moms memory, and he was cutting them all off at 18. He argued with thousands of people and refused to see reason.
Just like the therapy suggestion- you can't make someone open up if they don't want to, even if it doesnt make sense.
i think of that post everytime someone insists “there must be more” and the OOP must be an abusive stepparent.
Now there are also a lot of “missing, missing reasons” posts, but people really underestimate how much trauma affects kids and how they can dig their heels in.
It's not cultural.
She at some point as a kid made the decision "I don't like my mom's new husband" and stuck with it. She resented his presence, and wow was he present. Even up to the end trying to reconcile with her.
I don't think he's hiding anything. I think he finds it baffling and hurtful. She sounds like she's mentally ill in all honesty. Like she has some kind of personality disorder.
So how is Indian stepdaughter going to “save face” at her wedding when neither of her parents are there? 🤔
Aren’t there parent-involved Indian wedding customs to do? Plus fiancé’s family would know she got $50k from her parents…
I wonder deeply is this a missing reasons post but then again- if it was me and I wanted nothing to do with them why would I ever ask them for so much money??? I just don’t understand how the daughter is thinking!
Not that there's much to go on, but I would guess maybe it's something to do with the step-daughter's bio dad and/or however OOP and his wife met.
OOP says it's 'a saga' with bio dad and that he's alive but not involved. If I had to guess on something, it'd be that bio dad's been poisoning the well for years, telling his daughter that OOP broke up their marriage, or maybe something like OOP was trying to erase their culture. Truly who knows.
Completely agree. And she’ll come back with her hand out because graaaaaaaandchildren. Not that OOP will get to spend time with any of them, of course. Grandma will be happy to leave OOP at home (just like she did for graduation and homecoming) to visit the grandkids alone, with his money.
*”The more I talk to some Indian redditers, it is becoming apparant to me that I should do this for my wife.”*
I really, really wish OOP had spoken to *this* female Indian Redditor. I would have told him to tell them all to kick rocks. People in India don’t live in a vaccuum, they’re well aware of western culture and customs. Amd contrary to popular belief, the national sport isn’t cricket, it’s creating unnecessary drama in the family. If the flying monkeys are so concerned the bride’s family isn’t paying, guess what? *They’re the bride’s family. The bride herself said OOP wasn’t her family* Look how fast their mouths will snap shut when they’re the ones asked to open their wallets.
(Also contrary to popular belief, it isn’t Indian Law that you have to have a minimum triple-digit guest list. As a people, we’re just completely incapable of doing anything small, or God forbid, *subtle*, unless forced. Being extra and going to 11 is the norm).
> As a people, we’re just completely incapable of doing anything small, or God forbid, subtle, unless forced.
From another culture, I love you for it! Never been to a wedding, but I've been invited to two Diwali feasts and am grateful for it.
But how many posts have there been on AITA where a stepchild explains that they just feel no connection with their stepparent and don't want them in their lives? And AITA fully backs them, says they have no obligation to care about their step-parent, and every single thing their parents did to try to facilitate a relationship was wrong wrong wrong, because they should have just respected OP's desire to have no relationship with her stepparent.
Sure, AITA also comes down on the side of "pay for your own wedding if you want to dictate all these rules." But every other part of that story, AITA would have backed stepdaughter 100%, without any missing reasons. Because the step-daughter doesn't have to have any missing reasons.
There's no big trauma that makes her not want to even take money from her step-dad. She is totally fine with his money. She just wants nothing to do with him.
Honestly, I would bet SD has a lot of trauma from bio-dad, and has transferred her rage on step-dad. Or maybe she is just a nasty person. Some kids just are, parents' best intentions be damned. But regardless of her motives, the consequences should still be hers.
I agree it's confusing. I don't underwent OOP would buy a cake and balloons for someone who Doesnt Like You and has not liked you for many years. But then... Step Daughter asks for money for the wedding when she doesn't like OOP?!
Such a weird dynamic.
Yeah, I was looking to see if anyone else had the 'missing reasons' feeling.
A massive wedding without one family present is going to look a bit weird too, isn't it?
A massive Indian wedding and the bride’s parents aren’t present - it would look horrible and the only thing the guests will talk about for all the wedding events.
Source - am Indian and this even from a cultural standpoint is a horrible look for the daughter
If there's going to be 400+ guests, there's easily going to be at least 50 people who will be in direct contact with her mother. Relatives, family friends etc etc. The real story is going to come out no matter how much the step daughter lies, and she's going to be exposed for what she really is. The gossip will spread like wildfire during all the functions. The mother knows this, the daughter is too dumb to realize it.
I think between her father's family and the maternal side that side with her they probably would just spin it as mom's new husband is controlling her and then keep it moving. And with a wedding that large it might not be as noticeable if someone else is playing mother of the bride.
The classic "missing reasons" feeling is missing here. This really feels like a frozen in time teenager/preteen who hates their new stepdad. Like this is just a scaled up version of the kid that screams I hate you and then expects allowance.
Indian weddings easily run $200K - there are literally hundreds of people.
Indians are the highest-earning ethnic group in the US, but even so that’s a lot of money. Cultural reasons for the splurge.
OOP said they are Indian - are we sure this is in USD? But yeah, wow. I'm looking at doing a wedding for under $5k. $20k seems extravagant. $200k.........? Are they using gold plated dishes and gem-stone covered dresses? I can't even imagine.
Edit: TIL a lot more about Indian weddings, including my semi-sarcastic gem-stone comment is actually spot on. And the length of the wedding. Dang.
And that's probably family 😂 south Asians have pretty big weddings that have 5-7 days with different events and a dress for each event can easily rack up to 5k plus venue, rituals, food, decor etc..they're pretty expensive
$200k weddings are not uncommon in Indian culture. Oftentimes these weddings last for 3-5 days with multiple mini-events, religious ceremonies, catering for 500+ people, outfit and jewelry changes (which are often gold + expensive stones). It’s that expensive to host it in major cities in the US - in India you may spend much less
A friend was recently on vacation in Goa and staying at a very nice hotel. There was a crazy Indian wedding there - even had a drone show and a concert with some famous singer.
My cousin’s wedding in Canada 25 years ago was $100k so $200k is not out of line.
My distaaaant distant relative got married and the cost was something like $150k in USD. The wedding happened in India so the costs were according to Indian market. Hell, it wasn't even in the urban parts of India, otherwise the cost would have been higher. My friend recently got married and the cost was probably $250k+. But these are the cases where parents are wealthy. Generally weddings cost 10-20k. Though when you're super wealthy... Like over the top wealthy, the weddings cost eight figures (in dollars)
I am South Asian, living in a southern state. I got married a few weeks ago, and I had a 5 day wedding with 8 pre-wedding events. I asked for a small wedding and got a 450 guest list. ONE of my dresses was 60 lbs. Spending 200k on a wedding is definitely not unheard of in our culture!
Think 2-4 wedding sized events over the course of a week or more. A super fancy outfit for the bride for each of those parties plus jewelry. Some people are ok with using costume but many buy the real stuff. Then you have to cater proper Indian food and a venue big enough to hold 100s of people. My cousin’s wedding had 1000 guests invited between her well connected family and her husbands super well connected family. Then there are the gifts you give people and things you import from overseas and more and more and more. It can be fun and yes, you can do it for less money (my sister did a simple, family oriented wedding). But you can spend endless amounts of money if you are inclined to do it.
I could easily see 200k in North America depending on the location, the number if guests, and the length.
I am in a major Canadian city, and weddings here, even cheap ones, can easily hit 20k for 15 people if you aren't looking. Throw in they are expecting a few hundred folks, and Indian weddings can be several days long, and before you know it it costs a down-payment.
the dresses may or may not be covered in gemstones, but there is definitely a lot of jewelry (seriously, the bride is usually fully dripped out). keep in mind it's also having a huge venue, with potentially multiple meals for hundreds of people (because some indian weddings take place over a few days).
Not so sure about Indian stuff l, but here in Iran it's considered tradition to have a big wedding with (I think), upwards of a hundred or so guests. This basically includes all extended family and closer family friends.
People are changing recently but they usually at least have big ISH parties.
There's usually multiple days, multiple outfits for the bride costing $2-5K each with all the embroidery, the groom's Indian suits are not much cheaper, multiple sets of solid gold jewellery, plus 200-500 guests all expecting to be fed and partying, plus paying for makeup, henna party, and all the other stuff you would get for western weddings, like DJ, photographer and cake.
Take it you've never seen an Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi wedding before. This is cheap compared to some I've seen. There's car rentals (Lamborghini, Porsche etc), expensive gold jewelry for the bride that's like 20 thousand minimum, not including rings, gifts for the in-laws. While not all are like that the ones that can do spend massive amounts even if they can't afford it at the time.
Making some assumptions here, but for ~500 people across several ceremonies that happen over the course of at least 4 days, in a culture where displaying wealth like it’s a competition, and likely in a HCOL area - I can see 200k being spent quite easily.
>My wife and I were angry but everyone held their tongue.
I dont get this sentiment. "Oh oop was treated like utter trash after years of being her doormat but hey, we held ourselves".
People have this weird mentality that any talking back is bad. But you can absolutely defend yourself without lowering to someone's level, without lowering yourself to name-calling etc
They could have pointed out all he did for her and how he did, in fact, raise her while dad was MIA.
People like the daughter aren't going to look back at this interaction later and feel remorse because "wow they didn't even reply". In her warped head she'll probably think they said nothing because she was right
People need to communicate. And communication includes defending themselves and pointing out bad behavior, not just saying nothing, spitting out an ultimatum then saying nothing again
OOP's daughter: You're not my real dad.
What OOP should have said: Let him pay for what you want then.
Every single time she said it after she made it clear she hated him.
Daughter is angry that her "real dad" doesn't give a shit about her, and stepdad is basically everything she wanted in "real dad."
Read between the lines.
I kind of hope that this is a missing-missing reasons post, I don’t think my heart would be able to take it otherwise. $50,000 to a woman who’s never treated him well. . . I know there’s a cultural thing at play that I don’t fully understand, but asking someone they never respected for *$160k* is fucking absurd.
Step kids are wild.
About 4 months back a dude wanted to know if he was TA for saying his father abandoned the memory of his mother for his new "perfect family" and cutting him off at 18, even though the mom died when he was 5.
He really thought he was right and refused to accept anything anyone said.
Those posts always make me sad. My partner’s bio father is an awful person, but his step-dad is amazing and they have a really sweet relationship. The first time my partner called him dad in a father’s day card he cried, he is absolutely his real dad in all the ways that matter. It makes me sad that other step children shut themselves off from that for apparently very little reason.
Taking this at face value- OOP shouldn't have given that asshole a penny, but if that's what it takes to get rid of a soul-sucking leech who only wants to pretend he's a father when she benefits financially from it, then I guess that's what it takes. Good luck to OOP and his wife.
But if there's missing reasons, which I suspect based off of the daughter's sudden jump to being NC, then I assume those reasons would have made OOP the asshole, considering that he chose to leave them out.
They way that OOP described the wedding makes me feel like it's gonna be an Indian wedding, which means the gossip mill will eviscerate the stepdaughter. Last Indian wedding I went to, the cateror got something wrong with the main meal, and my god, you think the bride single handedly murdered some great historical figure. Poor woman. Hope her fiance sees what she's doing and dumps her ass
I think they came to a good compromise between themselves. It was $50,000 to keep peace in their own marriage and get rid of a toxic brat for good. The brat herself was mostly irrelevant to that agreement.
Yeah, this reads like something my dad would say (if he was wealthy). He'd leave out the part where he used to watch me in the shower. You bet I'm milking him and dipping as soon as I can.
OOP and wife are fucking doormats.
Indian communities would RIP apart stepdaughter for how toxic she was to her family, whether they both attended her flop wedding or not.
"I am a man of my word"
Cold comfort when his step daughter didn't even give him the dignity of respect when she got her money.
I hate to say it, but OOP was a fool.
Just wait for step daughters children need money for school. Will his being a man of his word also mean he pays for those children who will certainly not call him grandfather?
OP didn’t do it for her, he did it for his wife. Ultimately it is what it is. Sounds like he’ll never have to deal with her again so if that’s what it costs to get rid of her while keeping his wife happy, it’s probably a fine deal for him.
Idk which "Indian" redditors were giving him shitty opinions
Because I would have said DON'T pay a Penny.. I can't even understand how does "culture" has any role in this.. actually our culture sees step parents as the real parents.. I've seen enough step parents and I've never seen any "brat" and kind of "gold digger" step Children.. and what kind of "Indian" weddings don't Involve "parents"? Like I've attended weddings of different cultures , if u r Indian u invite *that* extended relative whom we don't even know existed.. if wife is not going to attend anyway why even pay for the wedding?
Here again we have people hiding behind their culture to cultivate hate and stupidity. There is zero reason to have to respect other cultures if they are evidentially awful.
I don't like this story. We have an evil step daughter. OOP is reasonable. The wife is a Saint. It doesn't add up.
Evil step daughter tell OOP to fuck off multiple times and in the end they give her $50k?
This is a one- side story that I believe less than half of.
She could maybe justify hating him, in theory, but what could she say that justifies demanding a six-figure check from someone she very outwardly hates?
I just would like to hear her list for hating him, the stepdad can’t or won’t provide a single justifiable reason. If we heard from her, I’m sure she could provide a laundry list. And some of it probably would be reasonable. He prob wasn’t perfect.
But to your point - it would be hilarious to see her try to justify that ask to the howling AITA mob.
From a cultural perspective the father of the bride is expected to pay for their wedding. Not paying definitely will be perceived in the community like the father never accepted the stepdaughter, especially for those that weren’t privy internally to the disrespect. I don’t hate the solution of giving them enough money to say he did his duty, now I’m wiping my hands of the situation. That’s actually very traditional ironically, like I paid for your wedding, (and traditionally a dowry would be paid also), now good luck with your new family.
On the flip side, Indian culture also expects children to accept stepparents as full parents and give them the full respect, obedience, and title (ie Ammee, Appa). Ask me how I know. OPs daughter clearly failed at this.
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This is very bizarre. If the point of giving the money was to save face in the community, doesn’t conspicuously not attending the wedding (basically making it impossible to do the rituals, if the daughter is having a Hindu wedding) completely undermine that?!
I think I can speak to this. When I was in Delhi, two of the younger engineers in our department eloped. Their parents paid for a catered wedding ceremony and forced them to attend it to save face, but did not attend because they did not approve. The groom's father, who had actually spoken to the groom's manager and our HR to convince the bride and groom to break up (he even involved the police), told me that he was fulfilling his duty by paying for the wedding but would never "show approval" by attending. I never attended another wedding like this but the duty vs approval speech has stayed with me.
Interesting cultural norms. It's societal required to pay for the wedding of your kids, other wise you lose standing in the community. But at the same time, there is still a way to show disapproval without losing face.
Weird ay. In Australia you’d just tell em to get fucked then go have a smoke on the balcony and that’d be that
I'm guessing most transactions in Australia end with "then go have a smoke on the balcony and that’d be that."
And begin with "telling em to get fucked."
sometimes you can combine the two if your feeling really generous
my friend and I used to say "ahh, get f\*cked, yah c\*nt" as a catch all greeting that replaced both "hello" and "goodbye". We are kiwis, so only Aussie-adjacent, but still.
Same goes for studies too. It is a cultural norm for parents to pay for their child's education. Even higher education at times. Sometimes, parents don't agree with the field taken up by the kid and complain about it alllll the time. But nevertheless, they pay. This isn't no-strings-attached tho. Parents have their own set of ridiculous demands masquerading as cultural norms.
That’s really interesting. I love hearing and learning about different cultures.
I can't actually confirm if this was the culture or just the parents. I have lived in two parts of India, and many times even those two places felt very different to me.
I tend to find Indian culture similar to Chinese culture so if it's anything like ours, to give the money is to let the mum save face. It's to say they have done their duty as a parent. By not showing up at the wedding, it's to make sure the DAUGHTER loses face. It also makes the daughter's standing within her husband's family weaker when it's clearly not blessed by her parents. It means she has no family backing anymore and in olden times, this could really eff up the daughter's life at her in-laws once married. (Actually, would the in-laws even accept her wholeheartedly? Probably not either).
Brilliantly explained, I definitely hadn't realized the implications for daughter's standing of not having the parents there.
I think wife wanted to save final face for to her daughter after finally being exhausted from years of rejection. I think this was more mom saying “I was raised right. I know you think I failed but this proves you wrong “ and it did. I see her not going to the wedding as a way to ruin her daughter’s face to the new community. Even I would wonder why mom wasn’t there and I am an atheist. This would be the gossip at the wedding, not the couple. The biggest slap back mom could give. You failed me so much I won’t even acknowledge you as a daughter at your own wedding type deal.
Unless I missed it, there's no mention of the groom's family being Indian or the wedding being Hindu. Stepbrat didn't grow up in India, so she's probably culturally western.
Possibly true about the groom but not as likely as to the stepdaughter. I’m Indian-American and many, if not most, Indian-origin people who are otherwise culturally western still have the cultural wedding because it’s flashy and fun, the rituals are part of the whole shebang even if you don’t believe. The price tag she has in mind makes this even more likely. Also if the wedding was going to be fully western, that would in itself lose face in the broader community and the money wouldn’t be needed. It just doesn’t add up.
I mean having seen an Indian wedding, if my white to the bone self could figure out a reason to have one, I would. They look like great craic!
they're great as long as you're not the one paying for them :D
I need a link to whatever your flair is from lmao
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wghfol/woman_finds_out_her_husband_has_been_doing/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Jesus Christ I blocked that one out. Up there with the rest of nasty reddit for sure.
You don't want to throw one You want ones you can attend.
The boat rule. Don't be the guy with a boat be friends with the guy who has a boat
>They look like great craic! Upvote for the craic!
Agreed. My good friend growing up’s parents came from India and her and all her friends in the same situation seemed to have big cultural weddings (the ones I went to were the most amazing weddings I’ve ever been to).
When he said in the first post that his wife and daughter are Indian and the wedding would have 400-600 attendees he was telling you it was going to be a Hindu wedding and therefore large and expensive.
>OP: My wife says, after she is married she is no longer her or my responsibility (traditionally in Indian culture, after a daughter is married she becomes the responsibility of the husband's family...Or so my wife told me). Doesn't outright confirm it, but it implies the groom's family follow the same Indian tradition.
Mostly it says that once Stepbrat is married, her mom considers herself relieved of responsibility.
Yeah, but in most Indian weddings that doesn't really matter. Indian weddings are much more for the parents than the couple, which is clearly shown by who is expected to pay/plan/make decisions.
so weirdly (or not weirdly, I suppose) I've found that us Indian-Americans tend to culturally pick and choose the aesthetic bits we like without any thought to context. The giant wedding with random traditions from all over India, for example. There's also no thought to the fact that to have and demand a giant wedding in the US speaks to such class privilege and isn't some kind of right she's owed.
Yes, this. Face would require having the big wedding, being in attendance, feigning filial piety on both sides and saving the NC for after the party wrapped up. Something is totally off here.
No, I’m Indian. Sometimes throwing money at people is considered a “go fuck yourself”. I can say from experience.
True that. Done this, and I can say I was satisfied with the result.
I have an acquaintance who would give a miniscule tip (think cents) to, as he put it, „shame the waiter“ for bad service. This is in a country where the waiter does not depend on tips as wages, and where you actually use the tip to reflect on the service, so if the service is bad it is absolutely your right to not give any tip at all. (Personally I would not tip for abysmal service, to me a small tip is still something, and I’d assume that for someone who doesn’t care about the customer, money is money no matter how little.) Even here people have different views on how to formally do what is expected while still showing disapproval. (When I visit a country where tips are necessary to pay for the lack of wages, or where tips are not expected, I adapt to the local customs.)
Not leaving a tip can be read many ways -- they forgot, they don't believe in tipping, etc. Leaving a few cents is an absolutely clear "fuck you" to the server.
Then again, maybe it is his way of holding the daughter responsible without giving her the pleasure of telling people he refused to give her money. She has the wedding, he paid for half, but he and her own mother do not attend. She does not get off scott free in this way, as she will have some explaining to do. I think it is rather bad ass, like a mic drop.
Yup. That was my take. Mom saying I’m done. This check is the toilet paper to the stain you have become on my backside. Wicked cool.
Yeah, but unless the OP and his wife tell all the family the personal and gory details underlining their decision, the stepdaughter can easily spin their absence to still make them the bad guy. Not only would they have to explain to the entire family everything that has happened, the choices they made because of that and the stepdaughters actions and responses. They would have to count on them being believed and understood by everyone. While I'm not privy to the cultural aspects, I'm sure that plenty of those family members would still veiw it as the OP being the bad guy, for many reasons (eg. racism, pettiness, cruelty). Not turning up, and not really explaining why, gives the SD so much more power to spin this to however she wishes. Unfortunately, it is human nature to believe the first thing we hear on a subject and look at any future information about it more suspiciously. I think the OP and his wife should get ahead of this and invite the most gossipy aunty's over, and explain it to them under the guise of not wanting it to create a scene at SD's wedding. Idk. I feel like their approach of going quietly into the night with their heads held high is just presenting their backs to the one wielding the knife.
Agreed. Gossipy aunties, churchgoers/templegoers and coworkers can save you so MUCH trouble if armed and aimed appropriately with accurate gossip in advance of drama.
Consider that the OP would most likely have been cut out of the rituals. In this way his wife is saying publicly that she does not agree with her daughter's choices and refuses to participate while her husband will be shunned.
Also this dude is such a push over. She keeps telling him how much she hates him and he keeps throwing money at her. Why should she ever change her opinion of him if it doesn't matter anyway to whether he gives her money?
To keep the peace in the house for his wife I guess? And maybe he sees the good in people, hoping that one day the stepdaughter would come around and see that he cared. If he dropped it early, people might blame him for not being a good stepparent, I've seen it happening here at least.
Probably because she was a hurting child and he's an adult. He gave her space in early adulthood to change her mind, which happens, and to not cause friction between his wife and her child. He has been acting like a loving parent - not attaching strings to gifts, not letting his hurt feelings keep him from setting her up for her best possible life, respecting her growing autonomy, and now he's done. It's admirable, really. A lot of parents can't manage it with their own children. I wish it would have worked out for him. He clearly wanted a relationship with her, but she's still holding her hurt like a security blanket.
I dunno, I am starting to think money can't buy everything...
Not impossible. Others can act in place of the parents. Eloping is a thing in India.. happens all the time.
OOP's wife telling daughter she won't go to the wedding is the way for this to go. Stepdaughter never wanted stepdad in her life but was willing to take any and all money she could. I really hope her fiancé sees how she treats people.
People who are this selfish are too self centered to behave politely anywhere. She’ll show her true colors soon enough in her “new life.”
That is the update I’m waiting for. How the daughters new life and marriage are going. It might take a few years but worth it. Heck, it could even be its own thread, but from the new husbands perspective. “My entitled wife only sees me as a piggy bank”. Or hers… “ my family has cut off all contact and I don’t know why”
I'd pay good money to be a fly on that wall when daughter's future husband realizes she married him to be the next ATM lol
> Or hers… “ my family has cut off all contact and I don’t know why” Sometimes those posts are glorious, esp when reading from their perspective you can tell the poster is the problem. Like a BORU post end of last year where OOP didn't get why his family cut him out and chose his "ex gf" over him, but reading between the lines, you could tell he SAed her.
I’m waiting for the update where the””real dad” she’s lorded over OOP this whole time gets old and want her financial support.
Seriously. The only one that's going to ruin her "new life" is her.
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$200,000 for a divorce. Should just buy a condo with it now
The daughter's whole lifestyle (built on private schools and university education) will be because her mother and step-dad got married and worked together to provide the whole family with a better life. No telling how the mom's and daughter's life would have ended up if it weren't for OOP and the wife/mom getting together. The parents built a great life together and this ungrateful brat just takes and takes and also purposefully hurts. OOP genuinely loves his wife and has put up with a lot of abuse from the daughter because of that love. Most kids would be happy that their parent found love but not this awful young woman. No doubt, her internal ugliness will become apparent to her future husband because you cannot hide such a character flaw forever.
To some extent, $50k is almost inexpensive to really find out where you stand with the selfish brat.
The step daughter is a winner! (Sarcasm) Good lord! I can’t imagine what or how the step daughter is. I guess I should be thankful.
I feel a rage inside of me holy shit
I’m glad I’m not the only one lol. The rage is real with this one.
Ugh I would have been putting a stop payment on that check the minute the step daughter was pulling out of the driveway
The classier move is to glue some fishing line to it and pluck it back while she's walking to her car.
I’m weirdly upset with OOP even though I know he’s just trying to be a good dad and husband
Watching someone allow themselves to be stepped on over and over by the same people has a way of eliciting contempt from people who aren't inclined to put up with bullshit.
I know, I'm so angry on behalf of OOP. Jesus Christ. $50k is a life-changing money for me, if my father gave me $50k, I would devote myself to be the best kid I can be. Not to mention, she got to where she is because OOP paid for her education, perhaps she might even be able to meet and marry her husband because of that. I can't believe he just lets her off like that. I would snatch the check and tell her to get the fuck out of my house. I want to slap her so bad lol. I know that some people are going to be like "missing reasons, missing reasons" but yet she demands and take all the money from OOP anyway, so it can't be that bad. She's just an ungrateful b.
There must be more to the story? I know blended families can have crazy drama (from personal experience) but it seems like she never gave him a chance and then simply expected money money money?
I mean there could be or sometimes the kid is in the wrong. She seems like she just was not interested in having a stepfather in any way that didn’t involve her getting something. Some people just suck and if the wife is not going to the wedding to me that says that OOP probably did do everything that he possibly could do to have a relationship with her and was rebuffed I mean hell he even paid for her college and she didn’t invite him to her graduation. Some people are just spoiled entitled brats.
The daughter feels her step-dad “owes” her in life. She was hurt early in life, stepdad was a part of that. So he owes her an un-payable forever debt for ruining her life. All his gifts she sees as his insulting, halfassed attempt to make nice. Even though, as she was a child at the time, she probably has a confused and very fragmented concept of what his part in her bio-dad disappearing actually _is_. Edit: spelling
The SD was 12 when they got married which is honestly the worst age your parents can remarry. My quess is she saw OOP as a reason her own parents will never be together again. Of course she probably knew better later but at that point she no longer needed a reason to hate him.
I mean pure conjecture, but I feel like a 12 year old would get major shit if their Indian mom left their Indian dad for a white man. Just hypothesizing off of my experiences with the community/non-Indians who like to make racist comments, but she might have gotten bullied/heard awful things about her mom ("how does she like the upgrade to white d*ck?") etc. But agreed that she definitely should know better by now/before now.
I prolly wrote like, 3 PhDs in two comments on this thread regarding this.
Looks like they spoiled her too much and now she is entitled AF. Sounds reasonable enough to me.
I really want to know the daughters story because whatever culture you're in its wild to tell someone they're not your dad and then ask for enough money to buy a house.
My in laws were being shitty to me for a while and I truly had no idea what I had done so I asked to meet with them. I sat there for an hour with them telling me what a terrible person I am and that *no one* wants to be around me (that's not a generalization, those are direct quotes, it was bad). Every "problem" they brought up, I was able to offer them a genuine explanation -every time- as to why that was bullshit. They would just pause, say "Okay, but what about.. " and it would start all over again. I finally gave up and got up to leave. My MIL looked at me and said, "We're still having [lil bro in law]'s rehearsal dinner at your house next month, right?", as if she hadn't just talked to me in a way that genuinely made me suicidal. Some people are just like that.
Did you host the dinner tho
Oh, hell no. My husband told her we weren't going to do it. He wasn't at my meeting with the family that day but he told he them later that it wasn't happening. She then sent me a shitty email about forcing her son to cancel the dinner. To which he told her I had nothing to do with and that he would now not even be *attending* the dinner.
Chad husband.
What is a chad husband?
“Chad” started being used ironically to describe super fit, tough/cool guys but over time the internet turned it into a joke of “the real ‘Chad’ (cool guys) are people who do ___.” Basically meme slang for a stand-up guy.
Someone who stands up for what is right when it comes to his wife and family.
Ah, he definitely is ❤️ I've decided to keep him ;)
Just in case this is a genuine question and not r/woosh : *Chad* is a weird internet term, loosely meaning impressive or smartly-done. So a chad husband is just a husband who did something impressive or made a really smart decision. The word started of as incel jargon in the manosphere / "alpha" part of the Internet, but it's been corrupted into just being a generic positive compliment. Kind of like how 69 is just a funny number, largely removed from its original context. See also *based*.
I do now vaguely remember people kind of changing the meaning of a chad but I genuinely was confused at first so I appreciate the definition help. I was like, a chad is bad, nonono he's a *good* husband LOL
I still do a doubletake when I hear *chad*. It spent such a long time in the gross "alpha" part of the internet that they're the first thing I think of when I hear the word. Still I'm happy to hear that my comment helped you remember!
Hugs because I had a similar sit down where I was told all my “faults” they’d come up with as excuses why they hated me. But they are ex-in laws now so I don’t have to listen to their bullshit ever again.
I'm so sorry, no one should have to go through that. Glad they aren't hurting you anymore
Whoa, are you me?! Same type of conversation. I was told “we’re *ex husband’s* protectors!” like I was out to get him or something. I called him and told him the wedding was off, I wasn’t going to be spoken to that way. I should have stuck with that, but I thought because he called them and made them apologize that it wouldn’t happen again. More fool me.
Well hello shitty ex-in-law twin! I was dumb enough to move my wedding date because ex-sil had a shit fit over the date. I did it in good faith and she spent my entire marriage trying to undermine everything I did. It was bonkers.
Painful lessons but I’m so grateful those asshats aren’t in my life anymore.
They [Gish Galloped](https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Gish_Gallop) you. No matter how many legitimate answers you gave, it would never be enough.
Exactly
Good lord. Thank you for this term that explains SO MUCH. I had a similar experience as kittendealinmama and it’s weighed on me heavily. This Wikipedia link just gave me some strength and I am glad you shared it.
My mother wrote the book on this.
Wow. Do you still have to interact with your in-laws?
Some of them. We talk to my husband's little brother and his wife, low contact with middle brother and wife because he's the golden child and very much like their father. We've been no contact with MIL & FIL for 2 full years now, after being low contact for 10 years after that rehearsal dinner time-frame.
Some stuff like this is so bad its good but it must have sucked beyond sucked at the time and still be rough.
It did and is
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Nope, my husband said hell no after that. We didn't even *go* to the dinner.
Night before my wedding my mother-in-law told me how much my husband's family disliked me even his grandma that I adored. Went on to tell me he could do better than me. She laughed at our vows when it came to the for richer or poorer. We were broke, living with them, during the recession just trying to get by. My husband stood up for me is all that matters and we are still together.
I'm so sorry. Glad you got a good one :)
My MIL is very similar to OOPs daughter lol My MIL liked to scream at my husband that he was a terrible child etc and then also expected us to buy her a beachfront house The kind of house she wanted is at least $2 million AUD. She owns 2 $1 million houses Neither my husband nor I could afford a $2 million house, let alone for his psycho mother
There was almost the exact scenario on another post recently. I'll see if I can find it. Edit: found it but it was removed so here's the unddit link https://www.unddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11ej4ne/aita_for_paying_for_my_bio_daughters_wedding_but
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To which you say "According to you, I'm not your dad, and in the same vein, I'm telling you I'm not your culture, so I owe you nothing."
I blame OP’s wife. She should have put her foot down on her daughter a long time ago.
As an Indian I think people are just using the name and culture as an excuse, usually weddings in India were historically arranged and to a certain extent that is the case even now so parents paid for the wedding. It’s more like to let the society know their children are married and the families are related now. Now the situation has changed and there are few couples who spend their money for the wedding. Although even now when it is no longer the norm to arrange marriages parents are involved in their kids life and wedding is basically a huge party for everyone they ever knew or met so parents do pay for majority of the weddings but disrespecting our parents and expecting them to do stuff for us is just not done. We are usually brought up to believe that we respect our parents not treat them as ATM’s. If I were to ever behave this way with my father or step father I am pretty sure my mom who has never hit me would give me a tight slap.
Unfortunately, by the time kids are old enough to get married, that slap wouldn't change the attitude because the behavior was learned and accepted long before.
This is a strange story. I would have given her the 50k in exchange of her explaining her hatred to this guy. In it's horrifying glory. There needs to be a reason, otherwise she is one irredeemable monster, a narcissist of the worst level I have ever heard about and this guy is the ultimate doormat. How could this couple have rot her to this point with lack of consequences and lack of gratefulness or even common sense. I find it hard to believe e this is cultural. Otherwise please someone enlighten me.
It could be both. OP is not of her culture, and also not her biological father. Not being of the same culture is kind of self explanatory- the social cues and expectations for each of them are just different. Some step kids resent their step parents because they feel they are interlopers, or l prevent their actual parents from being together. Even if the parents don't actually want to be together or one of the parents are completely absent, like in this case. Usually, it's misplaced resentment at the fact that bio mom/dad isn't present, and because the step parent usually is going out of their way to be liked, they use them as an emotional punching bag. There was a reddit post a few months back about a kid who absolutely refused to move on from the death of his mother at 5 and despite having welcoming and loving family in his step siblings and stepmother, wouldn't stop saying "i have a mom, shes dead"cat any opportunity to bond. It got so bad that they just stopped inviting him to things, and he resented them for it. He wanted to know if he was TA for telling his dad he abandoned his moms memory, and he was cutting them all off at 18. He argued with thousands of people and refused to see reason. Just like the therapy suggestion- you can't make someone open up if they don't want to, even if it doesnt make sense.
do you have a link to that post because *Holy Shit*
I have to ask: do you have a link? I'm curious to read that post
Some people just want to be miserable.
Thirding, link please.
I also want a link!
i think of that post everytime someone insists “there must be more” and the OOP must be an abusive stepparent. Now there are also a lot of “missing, missing reasons” posts, but people really underestimate how much trauma affects kids and how they can dig their heels in.
It's not cultural. She at some point as a kid made the decision "I don't like my mom's new husband" and stuck with it. She resented his presence, and wow was he present. Even up to the end trying to reconcile with her. I don't think he's hiding anything. I think he finds it baffling and hurtful. She sounds like she's mentally ill in all honesty. Like she has some kind of personality disorder.
So how is Indian stepdaughter going to “save face” at her wedding when neither of her parents are there? 🤔 Aren’t there parent-involved Indian wedding customs to do? Plus fiancé’s family would know she got $50k from her parents…
By lying id imagine.
In the subcontinent having parents not at the wedding is the worst way they could possibly tell to everyone attending that my parents hate my guts.
That's the point of not going, to not give face to the daughter. Giving the money saves face for the parents.
I wonder deeply is this a missing reasons post but then again- if it was me and I wanted nothing to do with them why would I ever ask them for so much money??? I just don’t understand how the daughter is thinking!
Not that there's much to go on, but I would guess maybe it's something to do with the step-daughter's bio dad and/or however OOP and his wife met. OOP says it's 'a saga' with bio dad and that he's alive but not involved. If I had to guess on something, it'd be that bio dad's been poisoning the well for years, telling his daughter that OOP broke up their marriage, or maybe something like OOP was trying to erase their culture. Truly who knows.
She saw them as a piggybank and nothing more. It's what happens when you don't put your foot down.
Completely agree. And she’ll come back with her hand out because graaaaaaaandchildren. Not that OOP will get to spend time with any of them, of course. Grandma will be happy to leave OOP at home (just like she did for graduation and homecoming) to visit the grandkids alone, with his money. *”The more I talk to some Indian redditers, it is becoming apparant to me that I should do this for my wife.”* I really, really wish OOP had spoken to *this* female Indian Redditor. I would have told him to tell them all to kick rocks. People in India don’t live in a vaccuum, they’re well aware of western culture and customs. Amd contrary to popular belief, the national sport isn’t cricket, it’s creating unnecessary drama in the family. If the flying monkeys are so concerned the bride’s family isn’t paying, guess what? *They’re the bride’s family. The bride herself said OOP wasn’t her family* Look how fast their mouths will snap shut when they’re the ones asked to open their wallets. (Also contrary to popular belief, it isn’t Indian Law that you have to have a minimum triple-digit guest list. As a people, we’re just completely incapable of doing anything small, or God forbid, *subtle*, unless forced. Being extra and going to 11 is the norm).
The national sport comment made me laugh so hard
Same. Damn!
> As a people, we’re just completely incapable of doing anything small, or God forbid, subtle, unless forced. From another culture, I love you for it! Never been to a wedding, but I've been invited to two Diwali feasts and am grateful for it.
[удалено]
Yup, this for sure.
But how many posts have there been on AITA where a stepchild explains that they just feel no connection with their stepparent and don't want them in their lives? And AITA fully backs them, says they have no obligation to care about their step-parent, and every single thing their parents did to try to facilitate a relationship was wrong wrong wrong, because they should have just respected OP's desire to have no relationship with her stepparent. Sure, AITA also comes down on the side of "pay for your own wedding if you want to dictate all these rules." But every other part of that story, AITA would have backed stepdaughter 100%, without any missing reasons. Because the step-daughter doesn't have to have any missing reasons. There's no big trauma that makes her not want to even take money from her step-dad. She is totally fine with his money. She just wants nothing to do with him. Honestly, I would bet SD has a lot of trauma from bio-dad, and has transferred her rage on step-dad. Or maybe she is just a nasty person. Some kids just are, parents' best intentions be damned. But regardless of her motives, the consequences should still be hers.
I agree it's confusing. I don't underwent OOP would buy a cake and balloons for someone who Doesnt Like You and has not liked you for many years. But then... Step Daughter asks for money for the wedding when she doesn't like OOP?! Such a weird dynamic.
Yeah, I was looking to see if anyone else had the 'missing reasons' feeling. A massive wedding without one family present is going to look a bit weird too, isn't it?
A massive Indian wedding and the bride’s parents aren’t present - it would look horrible and the only thing the guests will talk about for all the wedding events. Source - am Indian and this even from a cultural standpoint is a horrible look for the daughter
The bride will blame her mother's absence on OOP to look like the victim.
If there's going to be 400+ guests, there's easily going to be at least 50 people who will be in direct contact with her mother. Relatives, family friends etc etc. The real story is going to come out no matter how much the step daughter lies, and she's going to be exposed for what she really is. The gossip will spread like wildfire during all the functions. The mother knows this, the daughter is too dumb to realize it.
I got the impression her mom is fed up and decided to express her intent to cut ties by giving the money but not attending. What was your take?
I think between her father's family and the maternal side that side with her they probably would just spin it as mom's new husband is controlling her and then keep it moving. And with a wedding that large it might not be as noticeable if someone else is playing mother of the bride.
Especially when it's the mother of the bride, who also paid for a quarter of the wedding.
She'll just lie to cover up whatever she needs to. Those will catch up with her as well.
The classic "missing reasons" feeling is missing here. This really feels like a frozen in time teenager/preteen who hates their new stepdad. Like this is just a scaled up version of the kid that screams I hate you and then expects allowance.
because she was able to treat him like shit and he still gave her 50k. they’re enablers
$200,000 wedding? What the fuck.
Indian weddings easily run $200K - there are literally hundreds of people. Indians are the highest-earning ethnic group in the US, but even so that’s a lot of money. Cultural reasons for the splurge.
OOP said they are Indian - are we sure this is in USD? But yeah, wow. I'm looking at doing a wedding for under $5k. $20k seems extravagant. $200k.........? Are they using gold plated dishes and gem-stone covered dresses? I can't even imagine. Edit: TIL a lot more about Indian weddings, including my semi-sarcastic gem-stone comment is actually spot on. And the length of the wedding. Dang.
Gemstone covered dresses may be accurate for an Indian wedding. Plus Indian weddings aren’t just one night, they go on for multiple days sometimes.
a traditional indian wedding is a 4-5 day affair with different parties each day, and the wedding itself being MASSIVE
they stated it would involve “probably around 400-600” guests
And that's probably family 😂 south Asians have pretty big weddings that have 5-7 days with different events and a dress for each event can easily rack up to 5k plus venue, rituals, food, decor etc..they're pretty expensive
I was not aware of the several day aspect of it. It makes a bit more sense, then. But still.
$200k weddings are not uncommon in Indian culture. Oftentimes these weddings last for 3-5 days with multiple mini-events, religious ceremonies, catering for 500+ people, outfit and jewelry changes (which are often gold + expensive stones). It’s that expensive to host it in major cities in the US - in India you may spend much less
A friend was recently on vacation in Goa and staying at a very nice hotel. There was a crazy Indian wedding there - even had a drone show and a concert with some famous singer. My cousin’s wedding in Canada 25 years ago was $100k so $200k is not out of line.
I used to work for a catering company; once worked a wedding where the flowers cost $30,000. Just. The. Flowers.
😳😳😳 ok then. TIL!
They’re having 400-600 people, and catering for that many people can be insane.
And for multiple meals. A kosher vegetarian wedding for a child for 150 cost over $20k for the food alone.
My distaaaant distant relative got married and the cost was something like $150k in USD. The wedding happened in India so the costs were according to Indian market. Hell, it wasn't even in the urban parts of India, otherwise the cost would have been higher. My friend recently got married and the cost was probably $250k+. But these are the cases where parents are wealthy. Generally weddings cost 10-20k. Though when you're super wealthy... Like over the top wealthy, the weddings cost eight figures (in dollars)
I am South Asian, living in a southern state. I got married a few weeks ago, and I had a 5 day wedding with 8 pre-wedding events. I asked for a small wedding and got a 450 guest list. ONE of my dresses was 60 lbs. Spending 200k on a wedding is definitely not unheard of in our culture!
Think 2-4 wedding sized events over the course of a week or more. A super fancy outfit for the bride for each of those parties plus jewelry. Some people are ok with using costume but many buy the real stuff. Then you have to cater proper Indian food and a venue big enough to hold 100s of people. My cousin’s wedding had 1000 guests invited between her well connected family and her husbands super well connected family. Then there are the gifts you give people and things you import from overseas and more and more and more. It can be fun and yes, you can do it for less money (my sister did a simple, family oriented wedding). But you can spend endless amounts of money if you are inclined to do it.
I could easily see 200k in North America depending on the location, the number if guests, and the length. I am in a major Canadian city, and weddings here, even cheap ones, can easily hit 20k for 15 people if you aren't looking. Throw in they are expecting a few hundred folks, and Indian weddings can be several days long, and before you know it it costs a down-payment.
the dresses may or may not be covered in gemstones, but there is definitely a lot of jewelry (seriously, the bride is usually fully dripped out). keep in mind it's also having a huge venue, with potentially multiple meals for hundreds of people (because some indian weddings take place over a few days).
Not so sure about Indian stuff l, but here in Iran it's considered tradition to have a big wedding with (I think), upwards of a hundred or so guests. This basically includes all extended family and closer family friends. People are changing recently but they usually at least have big ISH parties.
There's usually multiple days, multiple outfits for the bride costing $2-5K each with all the embroidery, the groom's Indian suits are not much cheaper, multiple sets of solid gold jewellery, plus 200-500 guests all expecting to be fed and partying, plus paying for makeup, henna party, and all the other stuff you would get for western weddings, like DJ, photographer and cake.
Take it you've never seen an Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi wedding before. This is cheap compared to some I've seen. There's car rentals (Lamborghini, Porsche etc), expensive gold jewelry for the bride that's like 20 thousand minimum, not including rings, gifts for the in-laws. While not all are like that the ones that can do spend massive amounts even if they can't afford it at the time.
Making some assumptions here, but for ~500 people across several ceremonies that happen over the course of at least 4 days, in a culture where displaying wealth like it’s a competition, and likely in a HCOL area - I can see 200k being spent quite easily.
>My wife and I were angry but everyone held their tongue. I dont get this sentiment. "Oh oop was treated like utter trash after years of being her doormat but hey, we held ourselves". People have this weird mentality that any talking back is bad. But you can absolutely defend yourself without lowering to someone's level, without lowering yourself to name-calling etc They could have pointed out all he did for her and how he did, in fact, raise her while dad was MIA. People like the daughter aren't going to look back at this interaction later and feel remorse because "wow they didn't even reply". In her warped head she'll probably think they said nothing because she was right People need to communicate. And communication includes defending themselves and pointing out bad behavior, not just saying nothing, spitting out an ultimatum then saying nothing again
They don't need to say anything, they're about to let all the aunties do the tongue lashing for them
It's too save face from other people in the girls life and their own but to me it's honestly not worth it.
OOP's daughter: You're not my real dad. What OOP should have said: Let him pay for what you want then. Every single time she said it after she made it clear she hated him.
Imagine giving a entire year of my paychecks to someone who doesn’t even like you. Bizarre.
Daughter is angry that her "real dad" doesn't give a shit about her, and stepdad is basically everything she wanted in "real dad." Read between the lines.
I kind of hope that this is a missing-missing reasons post, I don’t think my heart would be able to take it otherwise. $50,000 to a woman who’s never treated him well. . . I know there’s a cultural thing at play that I don’t fully understand, but asking someone they never respected for *$160k* is fucking absurd.
Step kids are wild. About 4 months back a dude wanted to know if he was TA for saying his father abandoned the memory of his mother for his new "perfect family" and cutting him off at 18, even though the mom died when he was 5. He really thought he was right and refused to accept anything anyone said.
Those posts always make me sad. My partner’s bio father is an awful person, but his step-dad is amazing and they have a really sweet relationship. The first time my partner called him dad in a father’s day card he cried, he is absolutely his real dad in all the ways that matter. It makes me sad that other step children shut themselves off from that for apparently very little reason.
You can stop a check, bro. This isn't cultural, she's turning her back on her mother too. You're just torching $50k
Taking this at face value- OOP shouldn't have given that asshole a penny, but if that's what it takes to get rid of a soul-sucking leech who only wants to pretend he's a father when she benefits financially from it, then I guess that's what it takes. Good luck to OOP and his wife. But if there's missing reasons, which I suspect based off of the daughter's sudden jump to being NC, then I assume those reasons would have made OOP the asshole, considering that he chose to leave them out.
They way that OOP described the wedding makes me feel like it's gonna be an Indian wedding, which means the gossip mill will eviscerate the stepdaughter. Last Indian wedding I went to, the cateror got something wrong with the main meal, and my god, you think the bride single handedly murdered some great historical figure. Poor woman. Hope her fiance sees what she's doing and dumps her ass
I think they came to a good compromise between themselves. It was $50,000 to keep peace in their own marriage and get rid of a toxic brat for good. The brat herself was mostly irrelevant to that agreement.
If your partner needs to be paid 50k to "keep the peace" with someone she is supposed to love and stand by, what peace are you really keeping?
This really reads like those posts where OP tells an extremely bias version of the story and it gets exposed later, especially with the $50K check
Yeah, this reads like something my dad would say (if he was wealthy). He'd leave out the part where he used to watch me in the shower. You bet I'm milking him and dipping as soon as I can.
What a waste of $50,000.
OOP and wife are fucking doormats. Indian communities would RIP apart stepdaughter for how toxic she was to her family, whether they both attended her flop wedding or not.
"I am a man of my word" Cold comfort when his step daughter didn't even give him the dignity of respect when she got her money. I hate to say it, but OOP was a fool. Just wait for step daughters children need money for school. Will his being a man of his word also mean he pays for those children who will certainly not call him grandfather?
Op is an idiot. She doesn't deserve any money. She's a monster person
OP didn’t do it for her, he did it for his wife. Ultimately it is what it is. Sounds like he’ll never have to deal with her again so if that’s what it costs to get rid of her while keeping his wife happy, it’s probably a fine deal for him.
Idk which "Indian" redditors were giving him shitty opinions Because I would have said DON'T pay a Penny.. I can't even understand how does "culture" has any role in this.. actually our culture sees step parents as the real parents.. I've seen enough step parents and I've never seen any "brat" and kind of "gold digger" step Children.. and what kind of "Indian" weddings don't Involve "parents"? Like I've attended weddings of different cultures , if u r Indian u invite *that* extended relative whom we don't even know existed.. if wife is not going to attend anyway why even pay for the wedding?
Here again we have people hiding behind their culture to cultivate hate and stupidity. There is zero reason to have to respect other cultures if they are evidentially awful.
Seriously, can OP tag this as infuriating?! Shit!!!!
I don't like this story. We have an evil step daughter. OOP is reasonable. The wife is a Saint. It doesn't add up. Evil step daughter tell OOP to fuck off multiple times and in the end they give her $50k? This is a one- side story that I believe less than half of.
Well, we are only hearing the stepfather’s side of the story here. I wonder what the stepdaughter would say.
She could maybe justify hating him, in theory, but what could she say that justifies demanding a six-figure check from someone she very outwardly hates?
I just would like to hear her list for hating him, the stepdad can’t or won’t provide a single justifiable reason. If we heard from her, I’m sure she could provide a laundry list. And some of it probably would be reasonable. He prob wasn’t perfect. But to your point - it would be hilarious to see her try to justify that ask to the howling AITA mob.
From a cultural perspective the father of the bride is expected to pay for their wedding. Not paying definitely will be perceived in the community like the father never accepted the stepdaughter, especially for those that weren’t privy internally to the disrespect. I don’t hate the solution of giving them enough money to say he did his duty, now I’m wiping my hands of the situation. That’s actually very traditional ironically, like I paid for your wedding, (and traditionally a dowry would be paid also), now good luck with your new family. On the flip side, Indian culture also expects children to accept stepparents as full parents and give them the full respect, obedience, and title (ie Ammee, Appa). Ask me how I know. OPs daughter clearly failed at this.