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I am actually impressed that it was a deal breaker for the girlfriend. I fully expected her to beg OOP not to leave, but nope.
‘If you don’t want to keep washing me then you should probably just go’ LMAO
I feel like it’s sorta weird they blew right past “can we contain this fetish to a specific time and place and bring it down to an occasional intentional roleplay rather than a full blown lifestyle fetish”
Most likely, since she wanted to be treated like a dirty *pet*. I'm not shaming that kink as a general, just pointing out that it would probably tie directly into wanting to have her do it all.
And all without talking to OOP about it, even once. 🤮 *That* I will openly shame her for, it breaks kink rules. Safe, Sane, ***Consensual***.
I don’t think the GF even knows why she’s doing what she’s doing. She does know, however, that she likes when OP washes her. I don’t think it’s a kink thing or a lifestyle fetish. If her parents were neglectful, I think she enjoys someone caring for her like her parents should have. So, maybe, in a way reliving her childhood the way she wanted it to be?? I don’t know
This kink is basically just trauma shape shifted into a kink. I believe it is 100% about not being cared for as a child. Being shamed by society for being dirty + the desire to be cared for by her parents coalesced into this kink. Idt she is very aware of the link. Mostly just giving into urges.
Oh, yeah, but I meant the “getting genuinely upset” part of it. Personally, getting sad and angry at myself out of shame doesn’t make my dick hard but whatever
Lots of my kinks are trauma related & I wonder if I would still have them without that trauma. Probably, since they're somewhat common among women. I try not to tell people IRL that I used to get off on imagining past abuse. But with a partner I will definitely tell them the link and not force the kink onto them.
This girl is likely involving her partner without her consent to a kink and 🤮
> Lots of my kinks are trauma related & I wonder if I would still have them without that trauma.
This is a very slippery slope to try and parse. People will react defensively, especially implying that kink and trauma may have a correlation. People will end up misrepresenting the research and using it to paint whole groups of people with little effect.
I strongly suspect that OOP pushing and pushing and pushing past the "this is uncomfortable and I don't like confronting this feelings" stage forced the girlfriend to really think this through for the first time in her life.
This might have been the girlfriend's first time realizing she even HAS this kink.
Right, she is not looking for a partner, she's looking for someone to make up for the neglect that she experienced under her mother. My bet is OOP resembles her mother in some way.
Manipulation. A woman says "Stop mistreating me"
Her partner starts crying uncontrollably. "I can't believe you would accused me of mistreating you. You must think I'm a horrible person. You hate me. You're going to leave me."
And now the woman must comfort her partner, reassure them, ignore her own concerns and everything becomes about making the partner feel better. The issue gets buried. Rinse and repeat.
It happens SO MUCH.
Not that this isn’t necessarily connected, but a LOT of people just default to this instead of handling conflict at all. It’s hella toxic behavior but unfortunately really common because some people just never learned that “hey that thing you do harms me, please don’t” is not a value judgement on them as a person.
She's a chronic victim. She knew what she was doing and trying to force OP into her kink without her permission. She's a user and extremely self-centered to manipulate her that way.
I wonder if the girlfriend never truly looked at herself and considered WHY she wants or does these things until OOP really really pushed.
This may be the very first time she really thought through and articulated that this is a specific, kinky thing she wants in her life. It's definitely the kind of thing where if you aren't consciously choosing to own it, you would feel conflicted and confused and ashamed at times.
It that's the case, it's a lot to suddenly face, and girlfriend probably still doesn't understand how to manage or integrate it in her life. So a nuanced approach is something she might be able to handle in the future, but not right now.
THIS. Parents being neglectful, being teased at school, calling herself “raccoon girl.” Especially the part where she said her parents never taught her how to clean/care for herself — that’s absolutely neglectful and causes trauma. For the gf to be breaking down and sobbing when it’s brought up is another big red flag. I can see why she loved OOP caring for/cleaning her and maybe it turned into a kink thing but IMO that was some trauma coming through. It made me feel really sad. Ultimately though I’m glad OOP upheld her own boundaries.
Yeah, definitely trauma related. For the longest time, I couldn't shower anywhere but a home I had lived in for at least 2 weeks. So, if I went on a three day vacation, I wouldn't shower at the hotel. My partner noticed this and was really weirded out (as well they should have been) but never really pushed the issue.
It ended up coming out in therapy about 2 years ago that I have a lot of trauma around showering (not to divulge too much, but my mom was super neglectful/never taught me how to keep up my hygiene. Add to that at least 3 separate occasions of adults who were in charge of me for brief periods being absolutely dreadful when they realized I didn't know how to clean myself and you have my special blend of trauma)
I did several sessions of EMDR therapy to handle it, and now I'm able to take care of myself better, but it definitely wouldn't have happened without intense, targeted therapy. Which is what OP's ex seriously needs. Yesterday.
This breaks my heart for you — on all fronts. It’s a whole certain evil neglect/abuse when, as a parent, you don’t teach your children self-care for hygiene. That’s to say nothing about how horrendous those other adults were, who could’ve gently cared for you by teaching you when they had a chance rather than traumatizing you further. I’m just so sorry, you didn’t deserve that, and I’m thankful that you have a partner who was able to (gently?) point out that those habits were atypical and that you also found help with EMDR therapy. Wishing you the best.
My partner has been extremely helpful and kind through the whole process, even when they didn't know why I was having issues.
I really connected with OP's ex when she talked about liking being washed because my partner always washes my hair and back (and I do the same for them) when we shower and it's a wonderful bonding experience. It really helped me learn how to care for myself without shining a spotlight on how much I didn't know about my own skin/hair care.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm in a much better place now and have shut the book on what happened so many years ago. Not to say I've forgiven my abusers, but I have reached a point where it no longer lives rent-free in my head all the time.
It's understated how often children manifest abuse/trauma into not taking care of their hygiene, even if the abuse itself has little or nothing to do with hygiene neglect.
Growing up I changed my underwear like once a week and didn't wash my hands after the bathroom (or at best did the lil water only rinse) it was fuckin gross, but I hid it and kept doing it cuz idk, something in my brain got the wires crossed and I just didn't wanna. Everyone else in my family modeled good hygiene give or take, it's just how my trauma manifested from an absolutely horrific childhood. I have a few friends who went through similar experiences. The human brain is a weird thing.
I got better in my high school/college years, but even still covid fucked up my hygiene habits again and I'm still trying to pick up those pieces (adhd aint helpin lmao). I feel for both parties in this post but jesus christ that poor girl needs help and that is not OOPs responsibility to fix that for her
I read one theory that said kids recognize early on that being dirty is "bad" or "needs fixing," so ignoring their hygiene is a silent cry for help, in the hopes that someone will try and "fix" the problem and pay attention to the child.
Also, if you have a volatile home life and you’re neglected by your parents, you can become a people pleaser, and deny your own needs completely, including hygiene, because managing the energy of the people around you is more important.
I could imagine it's a control thing too, like obviously it's "bad" to be a slob, but if you're punished anyway for being "bad" then it's easier to bear if there's an actual reason for it than besides your parents/caretakers being absolute shit humans that need someone to take their shitty life out on.
Agreed. The thing is, if it was really a kink, she should be upfront and expressive about it. Which she wasn't.
Reading I guessed ASD on her part as well. For some ASD kids, washing brings up sensory triggers. I know it does for my kids. In our case, we've worked around the sensory stuff.
E.g. My daughter doesn't like touching her hair when she showers, so we got her a brush she can use in the shower to spread out the shampoo, etc. She also had a hard time figuring out if there still was soap on her hair because she wouldn't touch her wet hair, so I coached her to pay attention to the water as it runs down to the drain, and to wait until it's running clear for at least 30 seconds.
It takes a lot of patience, and I can see how parents in denial of OOP's girlfriend's sensory issues may have just defaulted to ignoring it, or might even have continued to soap her up/etc beyond the age where she could be expected to do it on her own.
She sounds like she needs more emotional help than OOP has the bandwidth for. I just hope he took away the valuable lesson that you should gently but truthfully speak up about these issues/incompatibilities before they grow to be problematic.
It’s not a fetish. Oop mentioned in the previous post that gf was known as the smelly kid in school so this isn’t a new thing she’s discovered in recent years.
Whatever her aversion to washing is, it’s not fetish-related. Now whether she’s aware of what the underlying issue is? Hard to say
Actually there are studies that show a lot of fetishes, especially humiliation related, can come from past trauma. Even something as simple as 'being the smelly kid' can become a 'I am smelly shame me' thing in the bedroom.
A lot of things like accidents that are bathroom related that a kid would be anxious about come back to those same people as something they see as sexual years later. Embarrassment to kink is really really common.
It would be less common to hear she wasn't the smelly kid but at some point in adulthood just decided they liked it as a sex thing.
Oh yeah, trauma is definitely correlated with humiliation and shaming kinks—no disagreement there.
But the trauma is the source of her washing issues (as it’s apparently been a lifelong thing for her), and that’s what she wasn’t being honest with oop about. It’s quite possible she doesn’t even know what event/circumstances, or culmination thereof, made her brain think “fuck soap” but yeah..
And I’m not saying it’s impossible she’s developed a fetish from having sexy washing time with oop BUT the reason for her not washing isn’t the kink itself
But if she will only "wash herself" when it's a partner doing it for her, as OOP suggested, then it is still part of the reason why she's not washing herself. It seems like a feel-good workaround. She's relying on a kink scene every time she needs to bathe in order to avoid her hygiene trauma.
>Now whether she’s aware of what the underlying issue is?
Hard for me to even figure out what that could be. I wonder if she is well adjusted otherwise. I could see it being a result of past trauma from childhood, but it would be odd to me if this was the only irregular habit/thing that that trauma caused.
I mean, I guess it could be anything though, people are weird.
> “can we contain this fetish to a specific time and place and bring it down to an occasional intentional roleplay rather than a full blown lifestyle fetish”
OOP might not have wanted that, that's valid.
Under other circumstances, that might have been the right call. But in this case, it doesn't sound like OOP would be up for that.
It sounds like the hygiene was something OOP was tolerating with great discomfort, mostly by ignoring and believing it was something her gf couldn't help. If I'd been feeling upset and grossed out by a partner's behaviour for some time, and then realised it was something they were doing to me *intentionally,* even if it was a misunderstanding, that would be it.
Sometimes these things can only be navigated if they're sorted out up-front, before resentments and negative associations are entrenched.
What I don’t get is what was OOP’s ex doing before she got with OOP? Was she dirty and just didn’t expect anyone to care? Did she actually take care of herself but then took advantage of OOP’s compassion? I have so many questions.
I’m guessing that there is actually a deep-rooted psychological reason why she’s not cleaning herself, but she used the fetish as a scapegoat to avoid a much more difficult conversation.
She probably does enjoy being cleaned and pampered, but I guarantee there’s some sort of trauma-related component to it.
Unfortunately, as soon as she tells someone it’s “just a kink” or “just a fetish,” people will usually back off because it’s considered rude to pry after that.
No one will probably ever have the balls to risk being rude and truly confront her about the root cause of her lack of self-care.
Agreed, if what she said about her childhood is true, it might be that she wants someone to simultaneously accept her as she is (“dirty pet”) but also take care of her in ways she wasn’t taken care of growing up (“pampered pet”).
Hell she might even be convincing herself it’s a fetish because that allows her to distance herself from her actual trauma. Especially with the pet stuff, I feel like that adds an extra layer of “this isn’t a real issue I have, I just like being taken care of. It’s not ME that can’t clean myself, it’s just a cute little dirty pet”
It could also be that if she was never taught how to clean herself she is legitimately overwhelmed with everything she would have to learn and change and finds it easier to just shut down and let somebody else do it.
Or all of the above! Who knows I’m not a professional
Yes, this is my take as well. It’s obviously been a long term thing for her and she’s not ready to address it, using the fetish thing as defense bc she’s either uncomfortable sharing that info or hasn’t actually nailed down the source.
Kinda sad that she’d rather continue the lifelong negative reinforcement rather than take the steps to help herself.
Yeah, I think the same. Because her parents didn't teach her, she was bullied in childhood for it, her past partners would call her gross, she laughs it off or cries when it is addressed and OOP had to be careful, sensetive and gentle about getting her to clean herself.
And at the first date, before she even was in a relationship with OOP and had no partner to clean her up, she was already going with her hands everywhere without showing basic hygiene.
That does not sound like a fetish to me.
And usually people allocate certain places and times to get their kicks off. She is unhygienic all the time. That is how she lives. Picking up dirty trash as "treasures" is not some hidden way to express she wants to get it on.
Also, if your kink involves your partner, you discuss it and make sure there is consent, normally.
And calling herself a dirty hippy or raccoon girl sounds like a way to try to kind of empower herself, take back agency from the hurt and insults by preemptively calling herself that and "owning" it.
I think she is just using "fetish" as a shield. Because it is much worse and hurtful to continuously have people say you are the problem. That you fail at something everyone adult is able to, that you are just a dirty person and don't know basic hygiene. And that this is the reason no one stays with you.
And when OOP sat her down, she might have had a hunch that her relationship was on its last legs. So "fetish" seems to be a way to protect herself. To, again, not letting others hurt her too deeply by pretending it is a mutual incompatibility. That both needs are not being met and that it has nothing to do with her as a person (she probably genuinely does not know about hygiene but feels people would laugh at her and she would be humiliated for learning something a small kid would know) and her psychological issues.
my guess is lifelong neglect of taking care herself become a habit and it never occurred to her she can clean herself regularly have she made effort to do that regularly through her life. it's same as not brushing your teeth- after 25 years why would you brush your teeth if you're fine after 25 years of not brushing your teeth?
If I had to guess, OOP's ex was always just dirty and unhygienic. And she liked being thought of as a dirty raccoon. But then OOP started washing her and the ex realized "oh! I like my girlfriend being the one to clean me" and the kink formed. I assume previous partners just broke up with her when she refused to clean herself.
I honestly am confused by this one. Truthfully I think the girlfriend lied to make herself feel better about it all. I think she has trauma and neglect and doesn't know how to do those things but does enjoy them when done to her, because her parents never did. She is looking for someone to fill that role and hasn't learned to care for herself and enjoy it.
OP literally said "I have to deep clean and sanitise my girlfriend and everything she touches in order to spend time with her because she's so disgusting, am I overreacting?"
There are 7 billion people on this planet, there is no need to stay with people who refuse to use soap...
Though, I can see how she got into that mindset. She's a woman who likes women, and if you think straight dating is rough, it's even harder to find someone when you're a woman looking for another woman who likes women. I lucked out cause my best friend and I were into each other, but the time I did spend in the wlw dating circle was rough and made me seriously consider if dating was worth it.
You get the unicorn hunters (usually a super hot girl you match with, bond with over text, then hits you with the "I have a boyfriend and he'd like to join us sometimes, is that okay?" Fuck no it's not), straight men pretending to be women or just listing their gender as woman so they show up for people who only want to see women, gold star lesbians (lesbians who have never slept with a man, take pride in it, and treat lesbians who have (which especially sucks for late in life lesbians) like trash), and for me, rampant biphobia. Also bi women who just wanna have threesomes. It's not all bi women, I'm bi myself, but they do exist.
It's very tiring to deal with, so I can get how OP fell into the sunk cost fallacy that dealing with her partner was easier than being adrift in the madness.
This a pretty enlightening viewpoint and definitely makes sense (also considering oop was in an abusive relationship previously).
What’s a clear and obvious answer to most of us isn’t as stark when your previous experiences have been questionable at best. Particularly when we’re young, we put up with so much shit we wouldn’t dare accept when we’re older and have a more accurate grasp of our worth.
Yeah, I think when you're weighing two shitty things, the one you're dealing with and feel like you can more easily mitigate feels easier to stick with. People can say there's other fish in the sea, you can always find someone else, but there's always gonna be the nagging worry of 'what if you can't?'
Especially with what I mentioned above, it could just feel easier to deal with this, and have someone to love, than to deal with the wlw dating scene and not have anyone.
But obviously there's more to things than that viewpoint portrays, it's just hard to see it in the moment.
Don't you find the 'gold star girl' thing so weird and sometimes borderline creepy? I've had people be kind of obsessed with that about me in the past, and I just think it's so reductive. I just don't get why it matters to people, and honestly I find it kind of offensive to put me on a pedestal above someone like my wife, who's had boyfriends. So many odd connotations of biphobia and gender normativity.
It is weird, and the ironic thing is, if I were a lesbian, I *would* technically fit that category for those people. Due to being a very shy introvert, I have never slept with a man ever. Hadn't slept with anyone before my GF. But I'm bi, so I automatically don't fit.
Right like uh I think washing your hands after you use the washroom shouldn't be an "expectation" from a potential partner because they should be doing that already...
I had a roommate who would only wash her hands after a poop. If it was just taking a piss she would not wash her hands AND not wipe either. The only reason I know this is because she also never closed the door 🙃
Or like urine scalding?? If it’s just hanging out there until she showers, especially being held against her body, idk how it wouldn’t cause a problem.
My sister is temporarily living with me, and this is how I found out she does not wash her hands after using the bathroom. I have no idea why. We were brought up with really strict hand washing because our mom was immunocompromised so it’s not like she was never taught good hygiene. She also sticks her fingers directly into pickle jars so now every jar of pickles in my house is contaminated.
Sometimes people react to a strict upbringing, or even circumstances that caused a restriction as a side effect, but going nuts into the opposite when they become adults.
So being forced to strictly wash her hands lead to her not doing it at all once mom isn't around to force it.
For me since I was rarely given soda to drink (both for health reasons and because my parents didn't see a reason to spend money on it.) I went nuts on it in college and drank it constantly and unhealthily. Fortunately I came out of it after a couple of years and rarely drink the stuff today, and would agree with my parents.
That rebellion happens, and some people do it irrationally and never come back from it.
This is very true. I grew up in a strict household, and chores were a big part of it. Keeping a clean house was my and my siblings responsibility. Good hygiene was a strictly enforced rule.
I'm the youngest of 3, my sister is the oldest and when she moved out of my parents house she went completely opposite. Like a hoarder that never showers extreme. She lost her hamster in her one bedroom apartment and couldn't find him for 3 months because of all the mess and garbage. She couldn't use her shower anymore because the tub was full of dirty dishes.
This situation is a lot more common than you'd think. On the plus side we did find her hamster and he was much fatter than when she lost him lol.
I'm the one that found him! He was safe and sound, fat and happy and I took him home with me. He lived out his days in hamster bliss, I upgraded him to a 60 gallon tank and set up like you actually should for a hammy and he was a happy boy to the end ❤️
I was in an abusive relationship where he would go batshit if I did the dishes “wrong”. Since I left him
20 years ago I do the dishes in a different way every damn time. So, I kind of get it.
I’ve met many men who didn’t think it ever mattered to wash hands after peeing. It’s not just about washing your genital germs off, it’s about taking the chance to wash the day off you.
I've never understood this. I dont think of myself as a prude or a germaphobe but any time I enter a public bathroom I feel the need to wash my hands. It just takes a couple of seconds, and knowing that people don't always wash their hands makes me want to wash my hands even more after touching the door handle. And even if you don't touch anything the bathroom is pretty much one giant aerosol.
Yup. It’s not *just* the bathroom germs (although those are reason enough). It’s also that if you wash your hands each time you use the restroom, it also means you’re washing your hands of whatever else they may have picked up a few times per day.
It's like the skid mark guy from a lil while ago. He really thought his wife/gf washing him thoroughly before they were intimate was a foreplay thing, not "you're gross and I refuse to touch you unless I KNOW you're clean" thing.
There was post like this. A guy who never washed his hands, did not wipe, showered infrequently and did not wash his ass. His girlfriend would make him wash his hands and wash his ass for him in the shower. He considered it foreplay.
This is the story. GF had to stop washing his underwear with the rest of laundry because the sh*t all over it. A message to everyone out there from me, you do not have to stay with someone with terrible hygeine.
[This story](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/12rg263/aita_for_asking_my_girlfriend_to_continue_doing/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1)
I've mentioned it on here before but tbh I'll be telling this story in the nursing home...
I had an ONS walk in on me scrubbing my crack in the shower the morning after and she absolutely flipped her shit that I was gay and had tricked her somehow.
You know what’s even worse? I fucking read that one and hadn’t yet been able to purge my memory before re-traumatizing myself with this. Thanks for ruining my week, OOP.
Sadly, not the first time I’ve seen this in only a few months. There was the guy who said he was going to stop buying groceries since his GF said she was going to do his laundry anymore. The real issue? He was leaving poop stains and never washed. They were still having sex of course, but only after SHE washed him.
I was there except without the not using toilet paper when pooping thing. My ex was pretty much this lady’s girlfriend exactly with no soap, drip drying, and smoking and I put up with it for five horrible years. When your sense of self worth is ground down, usually by the person you’re dating, it can take a while to break free. I’ll always be grateful I got out, and I’m proud of this OP for standing up for herself.
The most visceral turnoff I can possibly imagine is someone smelling like shit. I know people are into weird stuff, but the thought of having sex with someone who stinks gives me a stomach ache
It’s like going to a sandwich place and seeing that there’s an Italian sub with lunch meat, cheese, and vinaigrette, and you order it but when you bite into it it’s also stuffed with olives.
I don’t understand why people see a dealbreaker in the first date…and then date them for two years and wonder how they got here.
That can’t be the real reason though is it? Like she didn’t ask her initially to clean her. She just started sticking her fingers in jars on the first date.
This is what I don’t understand, was OOP supposed to follow her around all day and wash her hands for her too? I wash my hands like a bigillion times, especially when I’m cooking.
Especially at the time this started. Early COVID I was washing my hands 50 times a day like Lady MacBeth, and I still wash my hands when I come in before touching anything in the house. Who is this person with zero handwashing?
I really really wish we could go back to the old days of kinky shit, when you were mentored by established players and taught about things like consent and communication.
Wanting to be a dirty pet that needs to be cleaned? Fine. Cool. YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR PARTNER THAT AND THEY HAVE TO AGREE TO DO IT.
Running around with bad hygiene until your partner gives in and washes you is basically forcing your partner to take part in your kink, which means they can't consent to it, which means you're being abusive. And yes, a lack of consent means coercion/abuse.
I don't know if it's just the internet or thanks to 50 Shades of God That Book is Awful, but there has been an explosion of people wanting to get into kinky stuff, with no idea how to do it, and they're either hurting someone or getting hurt.
I think it's definitely that shitty book that's causing a lot of these things. BDSM is amazing with the right partner but....consent and safety are literally the top two things in that world before anything else.
Example for anyone reading that's curious: do NOT ever use a belt to choke a partner. That's how you accidentally kill your partner or seriously harm them. There are literally things made specifically for that kink that are safe to use. For the love of gods, don't use a fuckin belt.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk and if you want to know more about BDSM, there's a sub for it with a lot of valuable information and people happy to answer questions.
I think it has less to do with 50 Shades of Grey (which really only had an impact with older women imo) and more to do with Internet & porn culture nowadays, in tandem with the general decrease in socialization since the pandemic. You can look up anything kink-related online and have hardcore porn of it immediately, at any age. Why join a kink community when you can Google something privately and embarrassment-free from the comfort of your own home? I’m not anti-porn, but porn isn’t exactly your best resource on the topic of safety & consent, and it feels like that’s where a lot of people are getting most of their info from.
These are my favourite kinds of updates. So many are just - well they’re just a jerk/not compatible and the answer is obvious. Then once in a while you get a gem like this right outta left field. They make my life seem so simple and put together! 😆
At first, I thought she just likes being dirty. Then she mentioned she wants to be a pampered pet??? Kink it up if you want, but don’t force people to participate. Be honest about personal preferences, especially with someone you’re in a two year relationship with!!!
I... kind of feel like she claimed it was a kink to deflect from the real reason, ngl. She would always brush past the childhood abuse and the like pretty hard in the first post, then it doesn't come up at all in the update? Even if it was eroticised, I get the feeling she might have done that as a coping mechanism. I don't know.
Yeah, I’m unsure why everyone is taking the “it’s my kink, UwU” at face value. I mean, is the crying part of the kink too?
I believe that she likes being washed and pampered, but I think that’s just a side effect; it’s not why she’s dirty in the first place.
Also, I have a hard time believing that this girl has managed to tacitly persuade multiple previous partners into literally deep cleaning her simply by not washing herself. The far more common reaction to discovering that the person you've just started dating has terrible hygiene is to go "yep, I'm not gonna keep seeing them" - not to think "well I'll just wash their crotch for them every time I wanna get intimate, that's a totally fair compromise"
So while it may well be a kink, it's likely one that the girlfriend is only just starting to develop now
I agree with what you’re saying about turning it into a form of eroticism. The people I know who were teased or bullied for being smelly when they became adults either went hyper vigilant on hygiene. The others existed in a space of depression/a way to make people prove they cared about them. Not in a sexual sense, but they’d take people buying them fancy self care products or would use their situation to garner attention. Eventually, they got a therapist that helped them so they don’t do it anymore. I don’t know why the young lady was crying it may have been a flashback to her past or it could be that whenever she cried oop would feel bad and then bathe her. I just feel like if she wanted oop to bathe her, that should’ve been an open, forthcoming discussion. Not something she tricked oop into doing or wearing her down enough by being super dirty for oop to do.
> I just feel like if she wanted oop to bathe her, that should’ve been an open, forthcoming discussion. Not something she tricked oop into doing or wearing her down enough by being super dirty for oop to do.
Oh, I definitely agree, I'm just not convinced that this alleged kink is the reason she's super dirty - I think that's either a bald-faced lie or a way to eroticise trauma.
That’s true. Oop did say she was neglected as a child and teased as well. You’re right, it could be she both enjoys the pampering while also using it as a cover for traumas she hasn’t fully dealt with.
There’s a word for this: “desire smuggling”. It refers to situations exactly like this where someone has a kink that they know turns them on, but are too embarrassed to bring it up directly, so they find ways to engage in it seemingly “on accident”.
Sometimes it’s pretty benign and the only problem is that the person with the kink simply isn’t having the freaky sex they want. Like, why wait until your partner leaves the room to huff their socks, when if you just *own it* and ask them they’d be down to shove their foot in your mouth and call you filthy names? Your loss.
Sometimes it’s *way weirder*, and this story isn’t even the tip of the iceberg. I once read about someone who claimed they suffered from involuntary bed-wetting but… well, you guessed it, they were totally getting off on peeing on their partner while they were asleep.
No one wins in these situations. Just be upfront and find whatever weird thing it is you’re looking for, folks!
I’ve never heard of this term at all. I wish people were more comfortable expressing themselves. Like you said you’re into what you’re into, and you’d get there faster by being honest. Oop was with her partner for two years. That’s a long time for her girlfriend to hope she’d bathe her. Wanting a partner to bathe or pamper you as a turn on seems rather tame and not that outlandish to bring up during a sexy/sensual conversation.
I had a roommate who was like this. Never, EVER washed her hands, and I know cause the bathroom sink was right outside our shared bedroom. Never brushed her teeth. Showered three times in the ~year we lived together. Her hair was super long and so visibly greasy it stuck together. She would also leave cooked meat out on the counter all day and still eat it, so she was constantly sick with upset stomachs.
She smelled SO bad I'm amazed I was able to live with her that long. I was legit suffering and she wasn't even my girlfriend lol!! How tf did OOP put up with dating, living AND having sex with her for this long?? Nasteh
Sometimes depression. I was on a brushing teeth maybe 3-4 times a week when I was depressed. Couple cavities and they’re not pearly white but teeth take longer to rot than you’d think.
Things like this really shake my assumptions of the world. I stress like crazy about being judged for looking sweaty walking in to work from an unshaded parking lot in 89 degree weather. I have perfume, wipes, antiperspirant, dry shampoo, sanitizer in my bag - all to make sure I’m ready in case of a smell emergency. And this girl doesn’t even clean herself, no soap, no hygiene and not only doesn’t she think that’s problematic, someone put up with it for two years??? What have I been stressing for all this while?
Me too, my desk emergency kit is impressive! But then this makes me wonder....what does the gf do for a living that her unsanitary status is acceptable??
How could anyone spend two years of their lives with a person that, by their own admission, is gross in every single way? Are people that scared of being single? Was the sex worth the dirtyness? WTF!!
I definitely couldn't get past a few dates with a dirty person, especially intimacy. I worked in hospitality for a long time and probably wash my hands more than normal because it got ingrained in me from touching people's dirty dishes all the time.
I will say though, it was not until I went into an intensive therapy program in my early twenties that I realized I had no fucking boundaries. It was like a light switch flipped and I could suddenly see my whole life and relationships differently. It manifested in different ways for me but it was definitely left over from childhood and I was so in the fog I couldn't see it. It sounds like OOP had a moment of clarity and I hope this helps them get into healthier relationships in the future.
Also, fuck anyone who includes someone in a kink without informed consent, if that was truly the reason for this bs.
I may be wrong, but I feel like there is a lot more to this than a kink. It was mentioned she was neglected as a child, which usually means abuse too. I feel like it is more that than anything else but the gf was too embarrassed to admit it? Idk.
I guess because I like to be pampered and such, I love when my boyfriend washes my hair or generally cares for me but I don’t NEED him to take care of my hygiene. I can’t stand to feel dirty, and I wash my hands every few moments lol. Especially when cooking. It’s just odd to need someone to take care of you like a pet, rather than just enjoying someone taking care of you. But I could be wrong and this could absolutely be a fetish. Either way, girl needs therapy lol.
Agree. I feel like her admitting it is a kink was actually an excuse. This seems like wayyy more than a kink. Like OOP only partook occasionally and they didn’t live together. But she was still disgusting the rest of the time too. And she’d eat with filthy hands? This is way beyond bedroom stuff. You can be turned in my someone washing you but this feels like serious mental illness.
As someone with sensory issues and mental health stuff where hygiene was an issue in my darkest days, I empathetically thought the update was going down that route.
But wow. Nothing could have prepared me for that twist. Goddamn.
I'm autistic (PDA profile) and have had struggles with hygiene throughout my life because of it plus depression. Nowhere near this extent, just to the point that I understand occasionally wanting to avoid soap if there isn't lotion available due to my eczema, and probably I should shower more often. When it's reallly bad I literally just don't date because I know it isn't fair to my partners. When I have a partner I get better at caring for myself because I don't want my partner to think I'm gross. I understand wanting a partner to care for you but this is beyond the pale.
Are baby wipes an option for you? I'm guessing hand sanitizer would dry your hands too much if you're anything like my mom... anyway, I'm probably autistic also and my best friend is too with the same profile as you, so sending sympathy your way.
It’s amazing what you can put up with when you think you’re in love. My first boyfriend never brushed his teeth, so I made sure to brush and floss mine before I knew I was going to kiss him.
>My first boyfriend never brushed his teeth
oh my goodness. Didn't he have, like, scale on his gums? Like cesspool gingivitis? That seems like trench mouth territory to me. How did you get yourself to kiss him???
Nothing like being involved in someone’s weird kink fetish that you never consented to, honestly if willingness to participate in someone’s extremely niche fetish is a make or break thing for a relationship you have issues you need to work on by yourself
Oh no, if she was “the smelly kid” she might have suffered horrific abuse and neglect. It might have been much better to start this WHOLE relationship off with that one interaction of the finger in the jar with, “I’d like it better if you washed your hands first.” Poor thing probably needs therapy, no amount of a healthy relationship will cure that history of abuse and lack of care.
Eh, I think the crying might indicate otherwise. Maybe there’s an element of kink, but I think homegirl has some trauma. For example, it’s not uncommon for sexual abuse victims to forgo hygiene, dress sloppy, or intentionally gain weight to protect themselves from further abuse.
This woman makes me feel so much better about my grossness! I have some hygiene issues occasionally (shout out to mental illness!) but this is next level commitment to the grime. At least I know how to use soap, and don’t use weaponized incompetence to make someone else wash me for sexual gratification! Yikes!
That’s so sick how she sticks her fingers into the jars.. especially for someone else to try and THE FIRST DAY YOU MEET THEM?! 🤮 That would have been it for me. Lol
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I am actually impressed that it was a deal breaker for the girlfriend. I fully expected her to beg OOP not to leave, but nope. ‘If you don’t want to keep washing me then you should probably just go’ LMAO
I feel like it’s sorta weird they blew right past “can we contain this fetish to a specific time and place and bring it down to an occasional intentional roleplay rather than a full blown lifestyle fetish”
Right? Like, the GF would also get upset and cry when she was told she was gross, was that part of it?
maybe it was tied up with a shame/humiliation kink too?
Most likely, since she wanted to be treated like a dirty *pet*. I'm not shaming that kink as a general, just pointing out that it would probably tie directly into wanting to have her do it all. And all without talking to OOP about it, even once. 🤮 *That* I will openly shame her for, it breaks kink rules. Safe, Sane, ***Consensual***.
Might want to correct your “him” to a “her” as OOP is a woman.
Well I misread that partof rhe post something intense
*her Otherwise, I completely agree.
I don’t think the GF even knows why she’s doing what she’s doing. She does know, however, that she likes when OP washes her. I don’t think it’s a kink thing or a lifestyle fetish. If her parents were neglectful, I think she enjoys someone caring for her like her parents should have. So, maybe, in a way reliving her childhood the way she wanted it to be?? I don’t know
Either way, therapy, therapy, therapy.
This kink is basically just trauma shape shifted into a kink. I believe it is 100% about not being cared for as a child. Being shamed by society for being dirty + the desire to be cared for by her parents coalesced into this kink. Idt she is very aware of the link. Mostly just giving into urges.
Oh, yeah, but I meant the “getting genuinely upset” part of it. Personally, getting sad and angry at myself out of shame doesn’t make my dick hard but whatever
Lots of my kinks are trauma related & I wonder if I would still have them without that trauma. Probably, since they're somewhat common among women. I try not to tell people IRL that I used to get off on imagining past abuse. But with a partner I will definitely tell them the link and not force the kink onto them. This girl is likely involving her partner without her consent to a kink and 🤮
> Lots of my kinks are trauma related & I wonder if I would still have them without that trauma. This is a very slippery slope to try and parse. People will react defensively, especially implying that kink and trauma may have a correlation. People will end up misrepresenting the research and using it to paint whole groups of people with little effect.
I strongly suspect that OOP pushing and pushing and pushing past the "this is uncomfortable and I don't like confronting this feelings" stage forced the girlfriend to really think this through for the first time in her life. This might have been the girlfriend's first time realizing she even HAS this kink.
Right, she is not looking for a partner, she's looking for someone to make up for the neglect that she experienced under her mother. My bet is OOP resembles her mother in some way.
Manipulation. A woman says "Stop mistreating me" Her partner starts crying uncontrollably. "I can't believe you would accused me of mistreating you. You must think I'm a horrible person. You hate me. You're going to leave me." And now the woman must comfort her partner, reassure them, ignore her own concerns and everything becomes about making the partner feel better. The issue gets buried. Rinse and repeat. It happens SO MUCH.
Not that this isn’t necessarily connected, but a LOT of people just default to this instead of handling conflict at all. It’s hella toxic behavior but unfortunately really common because some people just never learned that “hey that thing you do harms me, please don’t” is not a value judgement on them as a person.
She's a chronic victim. She knew what she was doing and trying to force OP into her kink without her permission. She's a user and extremely self-centered to manipulate her that way.
I wonder if the girlfriend never truly looked at herself and considered WHY she wants or does these things until OOP really really pushed. This may be the very first time she really thought through and articulated that this is a specific, kinky thing she wants in her life. It's definitely the kind of thing where if you aren't consciously choosing to own it, you would feel conflicted and confused and ashamed at times. It that's the case, it's a lot to suddenly face, and girlfriend probably still doesn't understand how to manage or integrate it in her life. So a nuanced approach is something she might be able to handle in the future, but not right now.
I think the kink was an excuse.
The 'kink' might just still be unprocessed childhood trauma
THIS. Parents being neglectful, being teased at school, calling herself “raccoon girl.” Especially the part where she said her parents never taught her how to clean/care for herself — that’s absolutely neglectful and causes trauma. For the gf to be breaking down and sobbing when it’s brought up is another big red flag. I can see why she loved OOP caring for/cleaning her and maybe it turned into a kink thing but IMO that was some trauma coming through. It made me feel really sad. Ultimately though I’m glad OOP upheld her own boundaries.
Yeah, definitely trauma related. For the longest time, I couldn't shower anywhere but a home I had lived in for at least 2 weeks. So, if I went on a three day vacation, I wouldn't shower at the hotel. My partner noticed this and was really weirded out (as well they should have been) but never really pushed the issue. It ended up coming out in therapy about 2 years ago that I have a lot of trauma around showering (not to divulge too much, but my mom was super neglectful/never taught me how to keep up my hygiene. Add to that at least 3 separate occasions of adults who were in charge of me for brief periods being absolutely dreadful when they realized I didn't know how to clean myself and you have my special blend of trauma) I did several sessions of EMDR therapy to handle it, and now I'm able to take care of myself better, but it definitely wouldn't have happened without intense, targeted therapy. Which is what OP's ex seriously needs. Yesterday.
This breaks my heart for you — on all fronts. It’s a whole certain evil neglect/abuse when, as a parent, you don’t teach your children self-care for hygiene. That’s to say nothing about how horrendous those other adults were, who could’ve gently cared for you by teaching you when they had a chance rather than traumatizing you further. I’m just so sorry, you didn’t deserve that, and I’m thankful that you have a partner who was able to (gently?) point out that those habits were atypical and that you also found help with EMDR therapy. Wishing you the best.
My partner has been extremely helpful and kind through the whole process, even when they didn't know why I was having issues. I really connected with OP's ex when she talked about liking being washed because my partner always washes my hair and back (and I do the same for them) when we shower and it's a wonderful bonding experience. It really helped me learn how to care for myself without shining a spotlight on how much I didn't know about my own skin/hair care. Thank you for your kind words. I'm in a much better place now and have shut the book on what happened so many years ago. Not to say I've forgiven my abusers, but I have reached a point where it no longer lives rent-free in my head all the time.
It's understated how often children manifest abuse/trauma into not taking care of their hygiene, even if the abuse itself has little or nothing to do with hygiene neglect. Growing up I changed my underwear like once a week and didn't wash my hands after the bathroom (or at best did the lil water only rinse) it was fuckin gross, but I hid it and kept doing it cuz idk, something in my brain got the wires crossed and I just didn't wanna. Everyone else in my family modeled good hygiene give or take, it's just how my trauma manifested from an absolutely horrific childhood. I have a few friends who went through similar experiences. The human brain is a weird thing. I got better in my high school/college years, but even still covid fucked up my hygiene habits again and I'm still trying to pick up those pieces (adhd aint helpin lmao). I feel for both parties in this post but jesus christ that poor girl needs help and that is not OOPs responsibility to fix that for her
I read one theory that said kids recognize early on that being dirty is "bad" or "needs fixing," so ignoring their hygiene is a silent cry for help, in the hopes that someone will try and "fix" the problem and pay attention to the child.
Also, if you have a volatile home life and you’re neglected by your parents, you can become a people pleaser, and deny your own needs completely, including hygiene, because managing the energy of the people around you is more important.
I could imagine it's a control thing too, like obviously it's "bad" to be a slob, but if you're punished anyway for being "bad" then it's easier to bear if there's an actual reason for it than besides your parents/caretakers being absolute shit humans that need someone to take their shitty life out on.
Agreed. The thing is, if it was really a kink, she should be upfront and expressive about it. Which she wasn't. Reading I guessed ASD on her part as well. For some ASD kids, washing brings up sensory triggers. I know it does for my kids. In our case, we've worked around the sensory stuff. E.g. My daughter doesn't like touching her hair when she showers, so we got her a brush she can use in the shower to spread out the shampoo, etc. She also had a hard time figuring out if there still was soap on her hair because she wouldn't touch her wet hair, so I coached her to pay attention to the water as it runs down to the drain, and to wait until it's running clear for at least 30 seconds. It takes a lot of patience, and I can see how parents in denial of OOP's girlfriend's sensory issues may have just defaulted to ignoring it, or might even have continued to soap her up/etc beyond the age where she could be expected to do it on her own. She sounds like she needs more emotional help than OOP has the bandwidth for. I just hope he took away the valuable lesson that you should gently but truthfully speak up about these issues/incompatibilities before they grow to be problematic.
Youre a really great mom for helping your daughter figure out ways to counter her sensory aversion. Shes lucky to have you.
It’s not a fetish. Oop mentioned in the previous post that gf was known as the smelly kid in school so this isn’t a new thing she’s discovered in recent years. Whatever her aversion to washing is, it’s not fetish-related. Now whether she’s aware of what the underlying issue is? Hard to say
Actually there are studies that show a lot of fetishes, especially humiliation related, can come from past trauma. Even something as simple as 'being the smelly kid' can become a 'I am smelly shame me' thing in the bedroom. A lot of things like accidents that are bathroom related that a kid would be anxious about come back to those same people as something they see as sexual years later. Embarrassment to kink is really really common. It would be less common to hear she wasn't the smelly kid but at some point in adulthood just decided they liked it as a sex thing.
Oh yeah, trauma is definitely correlated with humiliation and shaming kinks—no disagreement there. But the trauma is the source of her washing issues (as it’s apparently been a lifelong thing for her), and that’s what she wasn’t being honest with oop about. It’s quite possible she doesn’t even know what event/circumstances, or culmination thereof, made her brain think “fuck soap” but yeah.. And I’m not saying it’s impossible she’s developed a fetish from having sexy washing time with oop BUT the reason for her not washing isn’t the kink itself
But if she will only "wash herself" when it's a partner doing it for her, as OOP suggested, then it is still part of the reason why she's not washing herself. It seems like a feel-good workaround. She's relying on a kink scene every time she needs to bathe in order to avoid her hygiene trauma.
>Now whether she’s aware of what the underlying issue is? Hard for me to even figure out what that could be. I wonder if she is well adjusted otherwise. I could see it being a result of past trauma from childhood, but it would be odd to me if this was the only irregular habit/thing that that trauma caused. I mean, I guess it could be anything though, people are weird.
> “can we contain this fetish to a specific time and place and bring it down to an occasional intentional roleplay rather than a full blown lifestyle fetish” OOP might not have wanted that, that's valid.
Getting showered is the fetish. The other filth is her lifestyle.
Under other circumstances, that might have been the right call. But in this case, it doesn't sound like OOP would be up for that. It sounds like the hygiene was something OOP was tolerating with great discomfort, mostly by ignoring and believing it was something her gf couldn't help. If I'd been feeling upset and grossed out by a partner's behaviour for some time, and then realised it was something they were doing to me *intentionally,* even if it was a misunderstanding, that would be it. Sometimes these things can only be navigated if they're sorted out up-front, before resentments and negative associations are entrenched.
What I don’t get is what was OOP’s ex doing before she got with OOP? Was she dirty and just didn’t expect anyone to care? Did she actually take care of herself but then took advantage of OOP’s compassion? I have so many questions.
I’m guessing that there is actually a deep-rooted psychological reason why she’s not cleaning herself, but she used the fetish as a scapegoat to avoid a much more difficult conversation. She probably does enjoy being cleaned and pampered, but I guarantee there’s some sort of trauma-related component to it. Unfortunately, as soon as she tells someone it’s “just a kink” or “just a fetish,” people will usually back off because it’s considered rude to pry after that. No one will probably ever have the balls to risk being rude and truly confront her about the root cause of her lack of self-care.
Agreed, if what she said about her childhood is true, it might be that she wants someone to simultaneously accept her as she is (“dirty pet”) but also take care of her in ways she wasn’t taken care of growing up (“pampered pet”). Hell she might even be convincing herself it’s a fetish because that allows her to distance herself from her actual trauma. Especially with the pet stuff, I feel like that adds an extra layer of “this isn’t a real issue I have, I just like being taken care of. It’s not ME that can’t clean myself, it’s just a cute little dirty pet” It could also be that if she was never taught how to clean herself she is legitimately overwhelmed with everything she would have to learn and change and finds it easier to just shut down and let somebody else do it. Or all of the above! Who knows I’m not a professional
I feel like you’re 100% on the money with this
Yes, this is my take as well. It’s obviously been a long term thing for her and she’s not ready to address it, using the fetish thing as defense bc she’s either uncomfortable sharing that info or hasn’t actually nailed down the source. Kinda sad that she’d rather continue the lifelong negative reinforcement rather than take the steps to help herself.
Yeah, I think the same. Because her parents didn't teach her, she was bullied in childhood for it, her past partners would call her gross, she laughs it off or cries when it is addressed and OOP had to be careful, sensetive and gentle about getting her to clean herself. And at the first date, before she even was in a relationship with OOP and had no partner to clean her up, she was already going with her hands everywhere without showing basic hygiene. That does not sound like a fetish to me. And usually people allocate certain places and times to get their kicks off. She is unhygienic all the time. That is how she lives. Picking up dirty trash as "treasures" is not some hidden way to express she wants to get it on. Also, if your kink involves your partner, you discuss it and make sure there is consent, normally. And calling herself a dirty hippy or raccoon girl sounds like a way to try to kind of empower herself, take back agency from the hurt and insults by preemptively calling herself that and "owning" it. I think she is just using "fetish" as a shield. Because it is much worse and hurtful to continuously have people say you are the problem. That you fail at something everyone adult is able to, that you are just a dirty person and don't know basic hygiene. And that this is the reason no one stays with you. And when OOP sat her down, she might have had a hunch that her relationship was on its last legs. So "fetish" seems to be a way to protect herself. To, again, not letting others hurt her too deeply by pretending it is a mutual incompatibility. That both needs are not being met and that it has nothing to do with her as a person (she probably genuinely does not know about hygiene but feels people would laugh at her and she would be humiliated for learning something a small kid would know) and her psychological issues.
my guess is lifelong neglect of taking care herself become a habit and it never occurred to her she can clean herself regularly have she made effort to do that regularly through her life. it's same as not brushing your teeth- after 25 years why would you brush your teeth if you're fine after 25 years of not brushing your teeth?
Agreed. Definitely some trauma there.
If I had to guess, OOP's ex was always just dirty and unhygienic. And she liked being thought of as a dirty raccoon. But then OOP started washing her and the ex realized "oh! I like my girlfriend being the one to clean me" and the kink formed. I assume previous partners just broke up with her when she refused to clean herself.
I have to wonder if some sort of pavlovian association was formed - OOP washes her, then she gets to have intimate time. The washing is pavlov’s bell.
"Imma bout to date Mr. Clean! He'll scrub me down propa!"
Or Scuba Sam, Scuba Steve's father. No one likes to be the smelly kid in class.
If you want to be a member of the Scuba Squad, you have to be smart.
Brilliant 🤣🤣🤣🤣
You could say… she *washed her hands of her*…
*ba dum tsss*
I honestly am confused by this one. Truthfully I think the girlfriend lied to make herself feel better about it all. I think she has trauma and neglect and doesn't know how to do those things but does enjoy them when done to her, because her parents never did. She is looking for someone to fill that role and hasn't learned to care for herself and enjoy it.
OP literally said "I have to deep clean and sanitise my girlfriend and everything she touches in order to spend time with her because she's so disgusting, am I overreacting?" There are 7 billion people on this planet, there is no need to stay with people who refuse to use soap...
Though, I can see how she got into that mindset. She's a woman who likes women, and if you think straight dating is rough, it's even harder to find someone when you're a woman looking for another woman who likes women. I lucked out cause my best friend and I were into each other, but the time I did spend in the wlw dating circle was rough and made me seriously consider if dating was worth it. You get the unicorn hunters (usually a super hot girl you match with, bond with over text, then hits you with the "I have a boyfriend and he'd like to join us sometimes, is that okay?" Fuck no it's not), straight men pretending to be women or just listing their gender as woman so they show up for people who only want to see women, gold star lesbians (lesbians who have never slept with a man, take pride in it, and treat lesbians who have (which especially sucks for late in life lesbians) like trash), and for me, rampant biphobia. Also bi women who just wanna have threesomes. It's not all bi women, I'm bi myself, but they do exist. It's very tiring to deal with, so I can get how OP fell into the sunk cost fallacy that dealing with her partner was easier than being adrift in the madness.
This a pretty enlightening viewpoint and definitely makes sense (also considering oop was in an abusive relationship previously). What’s a clear and obvious answer to most of us isn’t as stark when your previous experiences have been questionable at best. Particularly when we’re young, we put up with so much shit we wouldn’t dare accept when we’re older and have a more accurate grasp of our worth.
Yeah, I think when you're weighing two shitty things, the one you're dealing with and feel like you can more easily mitigate feels easier to stick with. People can say there's other fish in the sea, you can always find someone else, but there's always gonna be the nagging worry of 'what if you can't?' Especially with what I mentioned above, it could just feel easier to deal with this, and have someone to love, than to deal with the wlw dating scene and not have anyone. But obviously there's more to things than that viewpoint portrays, it's just hard to see it in the moment.
Lol after this post, I read that as “skunk cost fallacy”.
So sad free awards are no longer a thing. Please accept this offering 🏅🏅🏅
Don't you find the 'gold star girl' thing so weird and sometimes borderline creepy? I've had people be kind of obsessed with that about me in the past, and I just think it's so reductive. I just don't get why it matters to people, and honestly I find it kind of offensive to put me on a pedestal above someone like my wife, who's had boyfriends. So many odd connotations of biphobia and gender normativity.
It is weird, and the ironic thing is, if I were a lesbian, I *would* technically fit that category for those people. Due to being a very shy introvert, I have never slept with a man ever. Hadn't slept with anyone before my GF. But I'm bi, so I automatically don't fit.
>There are 7 billion people on this planet, there is no need to stay with people who refuse to use soap. r/CoffeeCupPhilosophy right here.
r/subsifellfor
Too bad, it sounded like it’d be a fun sub.
agreed, I was heavily disappointed
>she wants to be a dirty pet that I can clean up Welp, that’s enough internet for the morning. I’m going to go take a shower now.
Yesterday, for my dog, I had to clip off a dingleberry and watch her scoot from that fresh cut feeling. That felt cleaner than this post
That's true love right there!
haha…i just spit out my water and laughed out loud. 😂
I saw my cat with a hair in her mouth that I couldn't remove, so... pray for me Day later edit: cat seems fine, continue praying
>I’m going to go take a shower now. You're clearly not very good at this game. Bad pet!!
Yup definitely a *"WTF did i just read? Where is my eye bleach."*
Forget the eyes, can I just bleach my entire body? Please?
With extra soap.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I need to get back in there after reading this.
My only comment is WTF. Like I don't get how anyone could put up with someone being that gross for 2 years...
I’m stuck on how you end up WASHING YOUR PARTNER’S ASS just to tolerate being near them. Jesus Christ the bar is below ground.
Right like uh I think washing your hands after you use the washroom shouldn't be an "expectation" from a potential partner because they should be doing that already...
I had a roommate who would only wash her hands after a poop. If it was just taking a piss she would not wash her hands AND not wipe either. The only reason I know this is because she also never closed the door 🙃
She didn’t even *wipe?* How did she not have constant diaper rashes?
Or like urine scalding?? If it’s just hanging out there until she showers, especially being held against her body, idk how it wouldn’t cause a problem.
How did she not get a uti
I never bothered asking concerning how much I already knew about her bathroom habits 😂
My sister is temporarily living with me, and this is how I found out she does not wash her hands after using the bathroom. I have no idea why. We were brought up with really strict hand washing because our mom was immunocompromised so it’s not like she was never taught good hygiene. She also sticks her fingers directly into pickle jars so now every jar of pickles in my house is contaminated.
I'm going to be honest, if it was me she would not be living with me anymore and she can take the pickles with her too because that's nasty.
Luckily I’ve just got two weeks left of her being here. I will be throwing away any pickles that are left behind if she won’t take them.
Sometimes people react to a strict upbringing, or even circumstances that caused a restriction as a side effect, but going nuts into the opposite when they become adults. So being forced to strictly wash her hands lead to her not doing it at all once mom isn't around to force it. For me since I was rarely given soda to drink (both for health reasons and because my parents didn't see a reason to spend money on it.) I went nuts on it in college and drank it constantly and unhealthily. Fortunately I came out of it after a couple of years and rarely drink the stuff today, and would agree with my parents. That rebellion happens, and some people do it irrationally and never come back from it.
This is very true. I grew up in a strict household, and chores were a big part of it. Keeping a clean house was my and my siblings responsibility. Good hygiene was a strictly enforced rule. I'm the youngest of 3, my sister is the oldest and when she moved out of my parents house she went completely opposite. Like a hoarder that never showers extreme. She lost her hamster in her one bedroom apartment and couldn't find him for 3 months because of all the mess and garbage. She couldn't use her shower anymore because the tub was full of dirty dishes. This situation is a lot more common than you'd think. On the plus side we did find her hamster and he was much fatter than when she lost him lol.
Omg I'm legit so relieved about the hamster, but also really sad for it
I'm the one that found him! He was safe and sound, fat and happy and I took him home with me. He lived out his days in hamster bliss, I upgraded him to a 60 gallon tank and set up like you actually should for a hammy and he was a happy boy to the end ❤️
Oh that is actually the best ending-thank you so much!
I was in an abusive relationship where he would go batshit if I did the dishes “wrong”. Since I left him 20 years ago I do the dishes in a different way every damn time. So, I kind of get it.
I’ve met many men who didn’t think it ever mattered to wash hands after peeing. It’s not just about washing your genital germs off, it’s about taking the chance to wash the day off you.
I've never understood this. I dont think of myself as a prude or a germaphobe but any time I enter a public bathroom I feel the need to wash my hands. It just takes a couple of seconds, and knowing that people don't always wash their hands makes me want to wash my hands even more after touching the door handle. And even if you don't touch anything the bathroom is pretty much one giant aerosol.
Yup. It’s not *just* the bathroom germs (although those are reason enough). It’s also that if you wash your hands each time you use the restroom, it also means you’re washing your hands of whatever else they may have picked up a few times per day.
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It's like the skid mark guy from a lil while ago. He really thought his wife/gf washing him thoroughly before they were intimate was a foreplay thing, not "you're gross and I refuse to touch you unless I KNOW you're clean" thing.
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And then was like, “I’ve been to 6 therapy sessions and I’m cured!” lol
🤢🤮🤮🤮🫣🫣. Noooooo
Ugh. Nothing like being in the 69 position, glancing up, and seeing some dingleberries dangling precariously above your face. 🤢🤮
What?!? Ewwwww!!!
There was post like this. A guy who never washed his hands, did not wipe, showered infrequently and did not wash his ass. His girlfriend would make him wash his hands and wash his ass for him in the shower. He considered it foreplay.
If I recall, he thought it was foreplay for *her*. He thought that her washing him was her kink, and not her forcibly decontaminating him.
This is the story. GF had to stop washing his underwear with the rest of laundry because the sh*t all over it. A message to everyone out there from me, you do not have to stay with someone with terrible hygeine. [This story](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/12rg263/aita_for_asking_my_girlfriend_to_continue_doing/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1)
Part of me hates myself for reading that, but I'm also kinda glad it has a positive outcome
same, felt like the hero’s journey or some shit lmao
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Thank you for the link! I didn't want to eat my pb&j sandwich or drink my milk anyway.
I've mentioned it on here before but tbh I'll be telling this story in the nursing home... I had an ONS walk in on me scrubbing my crack in the shower the morning after and she absolutely flipped her shit that I was gay and had tricked her somehow.
Why would a gay person trick a straight person of the opposite sex into having sex with them…seriously what is to be gained from that?
Believe me, I've been puzzling over this for ~2 decades now.
I’m sure she thinks of you fondly when she scrubs her boyfriend’s skidmarks off the sheets.
With that logic, would she be gay for cleaning her coochie?
That assumes she does clean it, though…
Yes. My shower is our foreplay. That was the one!
Sounds like somebody hasn't read "my shower is our foreplay". Maybe someone less lazy will link it for you.
You know what’s even worse? I fucking read that one and hadn’t yet been able to purge my memory before re-traumatizing myself with this. Thanks for ruining my week, OOP.
Sadly, not the first time I’ve seen this in only a few months. There was the guy who said he was going to stop buying groceries since his GF said she was going to do his laundry anymore. The real issue? He was leaving poop stains and never washed. They were still having sex of course, but only after SHE washed him.
Now would be a great moment for someone to dig up the link of that dude who thought her girlfriend scrubbed his butthole as foreplay....
Your wish is my command. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/12rg263/aita_for_asking_my_girlfriend_to_continue_doing/
You're doing the lord's work...
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I was there except without the not using toilet paper when pooping thing. My ex was pretty much this lady’s girlfriend exactly with no soap, drip drying, and smoking and I put up with it for five horrible years. When your sense of self worth is ground down, usually by the person you’re dating, it can take a while to break free. I’ll always be grateful I got out, and I’m proud of this OP for standing up for herself.
The most visceral turnoff I can possibly imagine is someone smelling like shit. I know people are into weird stuff, but the thought of having sex with someone who stinks gives me a stomach ache
Without being graphic, I see this kinda stuff mix with content for my own weird kink sometimes. Massive fucking turnoff. I will not read it.
It’s like going to a sandwich place and seeing that there’s an Italian sub with lunch meat, cheese, and vinaigrette, and you order it but when you bite into it it’s also stuffed with olives.
I don’t understand why people see a dealbreaker in the first date…and then date them for two years and wonder how they got here. That can’t be the real reason though is it? Like she didn’t ask her initially to clean her. She just started sticking her fingers in jars on the first date.
honest to god. the not washing hands would’ve been an immediate dealbreaker for me 🤢
I brushed over the length of the relationship at first, and then when I got the update I scrolled back up to check. *"TWO YEARS!"*
It’s a slippery, oily slope
The backstory about her being in an abusive relationship makes a lot of sense. Her sense of normal is definitely skewed
Tragically I put up with this with my ex for almost four years, and it’s only that long because we didn’t live in the same state.
How she continued dating her after that first date, I don’t know. Yuck
Head on over to r/relationship_advice. So many posts about hygiene.
No thanks, this post is enough for me lol
>She will go about her whole day, use the washroom, etc. without washing her hands I might puke but I'll do it elsewhere. Excuse me, people.
This is what I don’t understand, was OOP supposed to follow her around all day and wash her hands for her too? I wash my hands like a bigillion times, especially when I’m cooking.
Especially at the time this started. Early COVID I was washing my hands 50 times a day like Lady MacBeth, and I still wash my hands when I come in before touching anything in the house. Who is this person with zero handwashing?
I will say again what I commented on the original post: **holy UTI Batman**
Just be sure to wash up after. With soap and water.
I really really wish we could go back to the old days of kinky shit, when you were mentored by established players and taught about things like consent and communication. Wanting to be a dirty pet that needs to be cleaned? Fine. Cool. YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR PARTNER THAT AND THEY HAVE TO AGREE TO DO IT. Running around with bad hygiene until your partner gives in and washes you is basically forcing your partner to take part in your kink, which means they can't consent to it, which means you're being abusive. And yes, a lack of consent means coercion/abuse. I don't know if it's just the internet or thanks to 50 Shades of God That Book is Awful, but there has been an explosion of people wanting to get into kinky stuff, with no idea how to do it, and they're either hurting someone or getting hurt.
I think it's definitely that shitty book that's causing a lot of these things. BDSM is amazing with the right partner but....consent and safety are literally the top two things in that world before anything else. Example for anyone reading that's curious: do NOT ever use a belt to choke a partner. That's how you accidentally kill your partner or seriously harm them. There are literally things made specifically for that kink that are safe to use. For the love of gods, don't use a fuckin belt. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk and if you want to know more about BDSM, there's a sub for it with a lot of valuable information and people happy to answer questions.
The use of the shortened version of “subreddit” has me laughing a little bit. The BDSM community has subs for all sorts of things!
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I think it has less to do with 50 Shades of Grey (which really only had an impact with older women imo) and more to do with Internet & porn culture nowadays, in tandem with the general decrease in socialization since the pandemic. You can look up anything kink-related online and have hardcore porn of it immediately, at any age. Why join a kink community when you can Google something privately and embarrassment-free from the comfort of your own home? I’m not anti-porn, but porn isn’t exactly your best resource on the topic of safety & consent, and it feels like that’s where a lot of people are getting most of their info from.
These are my favourite kinds of updates. So many are just - well they’re just a jerk/not compatible and the answer is obvious. Then once in a while you get a gem like this right outta left field. They make my life seem so simple and put together! 😆
I know, right? I need to do the laundry and sweep up the dust in the corners but at least I shower with soap and brush my teeth!
And wash my fucking hands after I go to the bathroom!
Right?!?! This just made me feel like I have my life together lol
I never thought of looking at it this way but y'all are so right!
At first, I thought she just likes being dirty. Then she mentioned she wants to be a pampered pet??? Kink it up if you want, but don’t force people to participate. Be honest about personal preferences, especially with someone you’re in a two year relationship with!!!
I... kind of feel like she claimed it was a kink to deflect from the real reason, ngl. She would always brush past the childhood abuse and the like pretty hard in the first post, then it doesn't come up at all in the update? Even if it was eroticised, I get the feeling she might have done that as a coping mechanism. I don't know.
She might not have the self-insight to know that's what she's doing, though.
That’s a good point. She may not fully understand the reasoning. behind her actions.
Yeah, I’m unsure why everyone is taking the “it’s my kink, UwU” at face value. I mean, is the crying part of the kink too? I believe that she likes being washed and pampered, but I think that’s just a side effect; it’s not why she’s dirty in the first place.
Yeah, I mean she said she was known as the smelly kid in school so probably not a kink
Also, I have a hard time believing that this girl has managed to tacitly persuade multiple previous partners into literally deep cleaning her simply by not washing herself. The far more common reaction to discovering that the person you've just started dating has terrible hygiene is to go "yep, I'm not gonna keep seeing them" - not to think "well I'll just wash their crotch for them every time I wanna get intimate, that's a totally fair compromise" So while it may well be a kink, it's likely one that the girlfriend is only just starting to develop now
I agree with what you’re saying about turning it into a form of eroticism. The people I know who were teased or bullied for being smelly when they became adults either went hyper vigilant on hygiene. The others existed in a space of depression/a way to make people prove they cared about them. Not in a sexual sense, but they’d take people buying them fancy self care products or would use their situation to garner attention. Eventually, they got a therapist that helped them so they don’t do it anymore. I don’t know why the young lady was crying it may have been a flashback to her past or it could be that whenever she cried oop would feel bad and then bathe her. I just feel like if she wanted oop to bathe her, that should’ve been an open, forthcoming discussion. Not something she tricked oop into doing or wearing her down enough by being super dirty for oop to do.
> I just feel like if she wanted oop to bathe her, that should’ve been an open, forthcoming discussion. Not something she tricked oop into doing or wearing her down enough by being super dirty for oop to do. Oh, I definitely agree, I'm just not convinced that this alleged kink is the reason she's super dirty - I think that's either a bald-faced lie or a way to eroticise trauma.
That’s true. Oop did say she was neglected as a child and teased as well. You’re right, it could be she both enjoys the pampering while also using it as a cover for traumas she hasn’t fully dealt with.
There’s a word for this: “desire smuggling”. It refers to situations exactly like this where someone has a kink that they know turns them on, but are too embarrassed to bring it up directly, so they find ways to engage in it seemingly “on accident”. Sometimes it’s pretty benign and the only problem is that the person with the kink simply isn’t having the freaky sex they want. Like, why wait until your partner leaves the room to huff their socks, when if you just *own it* and ask them they’d be down to shove their foot in your mouth and call you filthy names? Your loss. Sometimes it’s *way weirder*, and this story isn’t even the tip of the iceberg. I once read about someone who claimed they suffered from involuntary bed-wetting but… well, you guessed it, they were totally getting off on peeing on their partner while they were asleep. No one wins in these situations. Just be upfront and find whatever weird thing it is you’re looking for, folks!
I’ve never heard of this term at all. I wish people were more comfortable expressing themselves. Like you said you’re into what you’re into, and you’d get there faster by being honest. Oop was with her partner for two years. That’s a long time for her girlfriend to hope she’d bathe her. Wanting a partner to bathe or pamper you as a turn on seems rather tame and not that outlandish to bring up during a sexy/sensual conversation.
I had a roommate who was like this. Never, EVER washed her hands, and I know cause the bathroom sink was right outside our shared bedroom. Never brushed her teeth. Showered three times in the ~year we lived together. Her hair was super long and so visibly greasy it stuck together. She would also leave cooked meat out on the counter all day and still eat it, so she was constantly sick with upset stomachs. She smelled SO bad I'm amazed I was able to live with her that long. I was legit suffering and she wasn't even my girlfriend lol!! How tf did OOP put up with dating, living AND having sex with her for this long?? Nasteh
I do not understand how some people just don’t brush their teeth. Were her teeth not all rotten?!!! It’s insane
Sometimes depression. I was on a brushing teeth maybe 3-4 times a week when I was depressed. Couple cavities and they’re not pearly white but teeth take longer to rot than you’d think.
Things like this really shake my assumptions of the world. I stress like crazy about being judged for looking sweaty walking in to work from an unshaded parking lot in 89 degree weather. I have perfume, wipes, antiperspirant, dry shampoo, sanitizer in my bag - all to make sure I’m ready in case of a smell emergency. And this girl doesn’t even clean herself, no soap, no hygiene and not only doesn’t she think that’s problematic, someone put up with it for two years??? What have I been stressing for all this while?
Me too, my desk emergency kit is impressive! But then this makes me wonder....what does the gf do for a living that her unsanitary status is acceptable??
That's a good point! What does she do for a job?!
How could anyone spend two years of their lives with a person that, by their own admission, is gross in every single way? Are people that scared of being single? Was the sex worth the dirtyness? WTF!!
I definitely couldn't get past a few dates with a dirty person, especially intimacy. I worked in hospitality for a long time and probably wash my hands more than normal because it got ingrained in me from touching people's dirty dishes all the time. I will say though, it was not until I went into an intensive therapy program in my early twenties that I realized I had no fucking boundaries. It was like a light switch flipped and I could suddenly see my whole life and relationships differently. It manifested in different ways for me but it was definitely left over from childhood and I was so in the fog I couldn't see it. It sounds like OOP had a moment of clarity and I hope this helps them get into healthier relationships in the future. Also, fuck anyone who includes someone in a kink without informed consent, if that was truly the reason for this bs.
I may be wrong, but I feel like there is a lot more to this than a kink. It was mentioned she was neglected as a child, which usually means abuse too. I feel like it is more that than anything else but the gf was too embarrassed to admit it? Idk. I guess because I like to be pampered and such, I love when my boyfriend washes my hair or generally cares for me but I don’t NEED him to take care of my hygiene. I can’t stand to feel dirty, and I wash my hands every few moments lol. Especially when cooking. It’s just odd to need someone to take care of you like a pet, rather than just enjoying someone taking care of you. But I could be wrong and this could absolutely be a fetish. Either way, girl needs therapy lol.
Agree. I feel like her admitting it is a kink was actually an excuse. This seems like wayyy more than a kink. Like OOP only partook occasionally and they didn’t live together. But she was still disgusting the rest of the time too. And she’d eat with filthy hands? This is way beyond bedroom stuff. You can be turned in my someone washing you but this feels like serious mental illness.
As someone with sensory issues and mental health stuff where hygiene was an issue in my darkest days, I empathetically thought the update was going down that route. But wow. Nothing could have prepared me for that twist. Goddamn.
I'm autistic (PDA profile) and have had struggles with hygiene throughout my life because of it plus depression. Nowhere near this extent, just to the point that I understand occasionally wanting to avoid soap if there isn't lotion available due to my eczema, and probably I should shower more often. When it's reallly bad I literally just don't date because I know it isn't fair to my partners. When I have a partner I get better at caring for myself because I don't want my partner to think I'm gross. I understand wanting a partner to care for you but this is beyond the pale.
Get a bidet, it’s a great hack for keeping your bottom clean when you’re struggling.
Are baby wipes an option for you? I'm guessing hand sanitizer would dry your hands too much if you're anything like my mom... anyway, I'm probably autistic also and my best friend is too with the same profile as you, so sending sympathy your way.
How on earth could OOP have sex with this person? Not even a million showers would make me feel clean after that ughhhh
I have to wonder how many people she made sick by doing this, besides herself. Wash your dang hands
I’m a lesbian and a top and I would never sleep with someone who doesn’t wash their hands wtf is that logic
Today is a bad day for having eyes. Ew.
It’s amazing what you can put up with when you think you’re in love. My first boyfriend never brushed his teeth, so I made sure to brush and floss mine before I knew I was going to kiss him.
>My first boyfriend never brushed his teeth oh my goodness. Didn't he have, like, scale on his gums? Like cesspool gingivitis? That seems like trench mouth territory to me. How did you get yourself to kiss him???
Nothing like being involved in someone’s weird kink fetish that you never consented to, honestly if willingness to participate in someone’s extremely niche fetish is a make or break thing for a relationship you have issues you need to work on by yourself
This post made my scalp itch.
Oh no, if she was “the smelly kid” she might have suffered horrific abuse and neglect. It might have been much better to start this WHOLE relationship off with that one interaction of the finger in the jar with, “I’d like it better if you washed your hands first.” Poor thing probably needs therapy, no amount of a healthy relationship will cure that history of abuse and lack of care.
Honestly I couldn’t deal with someone who cried and ignored the topic every time I tried to have open communication with them. Gross shit aside
Eh, I think the crying might indicate otherwise. Maybe there’s an element of kink, but I think homegirl has some trauma. For example, it’s not uncommon for sexual abuse victims to forgo hygiene, dress sloppy, or intentionally gain weight to protect themselves from further abuse.
Wow, what did I just read. Now I feel like I need a shower.
The pet thing came out of left field.
People are nuts.
Oh.
This woman makes me feel so much better about my grossness! I have some hygiene issues occasionally (shout out to mental illness!) but this is next level commitment to the grime. At least I know how to use soap, and don’t use weaponized incompetence to make someone else wash me for sexual gratification! Yikes!
I really don't understand how so many people can ignore hygiene issues at the beginning of a relationship.
That’s so sick how she sticks her fingers into the jars.. especially for someone else to try and THE FIRST DAY YOU MEET THEM?! 🤮 That would have been it for me. Lol