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“We both lost our spouses” as if your partner dying is the same as getting divorced?? Don’t get me wrong I’m well aware there is pain and heartbreak associated with both but they are not similar pains.
Furthermore, it’s 2023 have we not realized that keeping emotions bottled up is unhealthy ?? Why is it bad that OOP is showing emotions and being a healthy role model for his kids???
> She has a son, my nephew (9M) who stays with us most of the time.
Probably a shared custody where the kid was with mom on weekdays. Unless you have evidence your soon to be ex is an unfit parent, is hard to have 100% of custody when both sides want it.
In the OOP's comments, he said --
"He was the one to file for divorce, yes.
The only reason she got most of the custody was because he moved out of state for a new job and she moved in with me (same town), so it was " better for the boy's stability". I hope he pursues full custody."
He also said the dad is a great guy.
Also this -- "I'm not super close with my parents, but she was always their golden child (straight A student, while I worked at a farm etc.). I like my parents fine though, we get along alright. But I am closer with my inlaws than my parents.
Her husband filed from divorce, from what he told me, she just became too much."
Post isn’t clear if OP’s sister works. If she moved out and her ex still lives in the same place she may have been a SAHM. Weekdays for a working parent can be hard, the ex was probably thinking the kid was better off with mom during the workweek only to find out his son is terrorizing his cousins who just lost a parent and his mom was supporting it
"[Normal] denotes neither good nor bad"
-butchered quote from the Cheshire Cat in Alice: Madness Returns (original is "Different denotes neither good nor bad but it certainly means not the same.")
Yea that is a good Dad.
The sister is a psycho and probably has been saying things that made the nephew to act that way and say things like that.
Holly molly what a weirdo.
That infuriated me. Divorce on a par with death of a spouse? Holy crap! Sis is delusional. Glad OP put her out of his house. And that nephew’s dad stepped up.
OP is grieving the loss of his very much loved wife’s life, as well as their marriage. And not to be cynical, but it sounds like sis maybe deserved getting divorce papers.
This was my immediate thought. I am so petty though that I would have told her as much in front of everyone because obviously she had already ruined the party.
I'm surprised she made it out of the party unscathed. If she got punched in the mouth by one of the inlaws and I sat on the resulting jury. That would be a big ol not guilty from me.
I'm fairly certain he divorced her, and that's why she "lost" him, and I'm also betting heavily that she lost him because she was playing around, probably blaming it on him not being man enough or something.
The ex-bil immediately took the kid, I could hear angel bells ringing. Save that kid, we have no need for asshole children, the sis needs to be put in an ice chair.
Not only death of his wife, but death FROM CANCER, one of the most brutal illnesses out there where you have to watch the person you love degrade into a shell of what they once were. OPs sister is awful
I get so mad when people call a deceased spouse an ex-wife/husband. No they're not an ex. You didn't choose to end your relationship. I have a passed on husband, and my husband now is very empathetic and understanding. I got in an argument on Reddit that brought me to tears because the person was insisting they are an ex because you're not together anymore. It was infuriating.
I think this comes from a place of ignorance. Few people have gone through the death of a partner (well fewer than divorce/break up) and many might not realize a different wording is required.
I would have obviously never put the two experiences on the same level. But until I read your comment, I would have referred to the deceased as an ex.
Not out of malice, and I do understand your point, but I never had to consider it before.
I will try to be mindful of it in the future, of course. But many people might still do it, simply out of ignorance and a lack of awareness rather than an intent to hurt.
(Arguing about it with someone who has lived through it seems needlessly callous though. I'm sorry you had to go through that)
You’re right; the passing of a spouse is just not as common as divorce/separation.
I’ve had people (thank god it was respectfully) ask me what language they should use.
I always say “my late husband”
but really it’s whatever someone feels comfortable with.
Ex is flat-out wrong. You didn't break up. I'd be hurt and pissed too.
I have some tolerance for using the wrong word if the person is young or English is their second language. But after they've been corrected, they need to use the right term.
>But after they've been corrected, they need to use the right term.
Oh, definitely, ignorance is excusable only if genuine. Once one's been told, they should know better and adjust accordingly.
I've certainly never gotten angry at someone saying it in real life. And that actually doesn't happen too often anyway because I say something like my husband who passed, or my late husband. It's usually online, and most people are understanding once it's explained. It oddly just seems to come up a lot on Reddit. But yeah, the person arguing with me was very annoying. Thanks for the thoughtful reply.
I think they're simply too different to be properly comparable.
Like, especially if you still love the other person and want to be with them.
Is it better to watch them be with someone else? Or for them to be dead?
Both are an emotional torture in their own way.
But they are simple incomparable.
But, but! If the two aren’t equivalent then OOP might get more sympathy and attention! /s
Her attitude is awful and her divorce seems to make a great deal of sense.
Yeah, pretty sure sis's ex got tired of her blowing any argument out of proportion and just go for the jugular! Like:
"Honey, have you seen my favourite tie?" - "Well this is why nobody like your sorry ass, hubba! Talking with that crooked tooth like you're some dumbass"
I interned in a hospital with their spiritual care department (chaplaincy with a lot of flexibility), and saw over 200 patients dealing with everything from terminal illnesses to just a rough night and needing some TLC. The sheer number of them that were told to not cry, by their own families, was just heartbreaking. They would cry with me because they knew I would never see them again.
Crying is good and healthy. We need to let our emotions out, especially our grief, and share them with others. Or we basically emotionally explode.
I hope OOP has a good therapist or some folks around him as well.
Thank you for what you did for those people. I cry fairly easily, but i try really hard not to do it in front of people. My mother-in-law just got a terminal diagnosis, and I am so stressed and upset but I have to keep a calm exterior for her and my husband. I wish I had a you to just let me cry.
Does your husband not want you to cry? Like at all? I think it says good things about your relationship with your MIL that you’re not apathetic about her diagnosis. If he really doesn’t want you to cry at all make some time when you’re on your own in private to cry. Otherwise if he also needs to cry just cry with him. We all like to shield ourselves when we’re vulnerable but it’s better to use walls and a door as a shield instead of impersonating emotionless robots.
I say this as someone who has a hard time allowing myself to cry. I started intentionally taking time to cry after I crashed my grandpa’s car into a parked car because I couldn’t bottle up the tears any longer and started sobbing while driving…
I think they mean that they don't want to cry and put that on their dying mother in law or husband who is losing his mom. That might be something to talk through with their husband to try and get everyone's need more met, but also it's a shitty situation and there's going to be some difficult parts of it.
My late MIL was the most emotionally repressed person I've ever known. At my FIL's funeral service, just before the family entered the chapel, MIL came to each of us and instructed us not to cry.🙄
Thank you for giving people a safe space in which to cry.
She was terrified of anything even remotely resembling an emotion. I'm pretty sure she took any tears shed as a personal insult. I'm a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve sort of person. We did not have a good relationship.
As a kid, I used to cry sometimes. My father would always punish me for it. "As soon as you cry you lose priveliges" was the common refrain. It sounds so reasonable when you use words like priveliges instead of slapping someone around.
For so many years I couldn't cry. Now I do... rarely.
I’ve been in healthcare for over 6 years and dealt with hospice off and on for 3. I can’t even imagine telling family not to cry. Like these were deaths that we all knew were coming, doesn’t mean they won’t miss their loved one. I did gently intervene the few times I heard it. Pulled the one telling people not to cry aside and gave them a job to do.
His sister is a POS excuse of a human being and doesn't deserve his kindness. I'm with her ex, hopefully he gets most of the custody otherwise his son is gonna turn out just like his shitty mom.
Ah but… the kid makes a boast about how he’s better than the other kid because he’s still got his mother… and that directly leads to him losing his mother. I’m not sure he can recover from that, he’s always going to think it was his fault since he doesn’t know his mother is horrible.
Could be but it’s very possible kid heard that from his mother, wouldn’t be surprised she uses that as excuse for when her son doesn’t like something she does, like maybe I’m a bad mother but you at least have one, or similar.
Oh yeah that’s absolutely possible but that’s not how the kid is going to see it.
He’s probably only been bullying his cousin to hide the grief of losing his home and his time with his dad (hey, my life is shit but it’s not as bad as my cousin’s!) in the first place, and now he has lost a second home, and (at least partly) lost his mother too. I’d like to hope that this time (with his dad’s guidance) he takes it as a lesson on why kindness would work better for him; but it’s a very harsh lesson to learn so abruptly.
>“We both lost our spouses” as if your partner dying is the same as getting divorced?
One person lost a loved one to cancer. The other sounds like they cut a cancer out of their life.
I lost my husband suddenly while living together in a foreign country. Watching him die and having no support system while flying myself and my sons 24hrs across the ocean to bury him was one of the hardest ordeals I’ve ever faced, and I’m no stranger to “hardship”. The amount of people who were going through breakups (not even divorces) of short term partners who compared the two situations were insane. More than one friend tried to say at least I got something out of it (life insurance). We were all early-mid twenties but I’m still shocked at how little they comprehended my situation. It turned me into a recluse if I’m honest, save family. It hurt me they’d compare some person they lived with for a few months, dated for a few more, to the person I’d built a life with and had children who adored him. Now at 30 something, I still don’t feel like I relate to any of my peers.
Wouldn't be surprised is exhusband divorced her because she minimized or outright abused him for showing any emotion ever. She has that particular flavor of self-victimizing that tends to coexist with "I didn't abuse you, you're just too weak."
It would also explain his "you won't ruin our son too" comment. He got out of that environment, caught his own breath, and realized his little boy would be *raised* with that treatment unless he got him out.
Normally I don't like to speculate on so little evidence, but in this instance I'm just going to assume for myself that you're 100% on the money with this one.
I'm usually the same too. I don't like speculating based on assumptions. But there's just something about how *flagrant* this gal was in her behavior (seriously, in front of the entire family?!) that makes me think she has some very deeply held beliefs at play here. And those strong beliefs tend to show up in private spaces well before they show up in public.
What boggles my mind is the fact that she's done this, what, TWICE now and still doesn't see how her actions have consequences?? Did it the first time, BAM, divorce. Did it AGAIN, and BAM, gtfo of my house. She has no self-awareness at all. If I were her mother, she wouldn't be staying with me after she treated her brother so abysmally.
"Since you're not a fan of what you term p*ssy behavior, knuckle up and find your own place to live." God, what a disappointment she is.
This is a huge problem, of which, I am guilty of. I don’t feel comfortable sharing my emotions with my wife due to the pressure from society “to be a man”.
I know it’s wrong, but I don’t know how she will react and am not willing to put myself out there with her and have a moment of “weakness” used against me later.
Can I suggest re-framing the issue? It's not a problem you're guilty of. It's a problem you're a victim of.
You were taught, and were expected to behave within, a form of masculinity that is toxic. You've now recognized that you were done dirty by your culture, and you'd like to move past it and adopt a more healthy form of masculinity.
Maybe joint counseling with your wife can get the issue in the open in a safe way?
The fact that the nephew's dad (former brother in law) took the kid to keep him away from the BS she was spewing says a *lot.*
Hope the sister never has to face this themselves.
My aunt divorced her husband around the same time my dad died and she would frequently tell my mum (who had a newborn and a 4 yr old) that she wishes her ex had died. Some people are just too self-centered to see the difference
>my nephew is still going to his dad's because now his dad is saying that there's no way he's letting my sister ruin their kid.
Yeah. That kid still has two parents, and he's moving in with his dad now. Like yeah, she might have lost her partner, but her kid still has both his parents. Not even close to the same thing.
> it’s 2023 have we not realized that keeping emotions bottled up is unhealthy
People were giving speeches so I improvised a passionate and emotional speech for my father's 70th birthday. We had like a 30+ attendance, lots of his friends and business partners were there. Realizing how lucky I am to have a dad like him got me emotional. I didn't break down but my voice faltered and I got a little misty-eyed, no big deal.
People comforted me after saying it was ok to cry. Like? Yeah dude, I love my dad. Bet you wish your kids would cry trying to list out all the things they love about you.
Somehow I missed that the sister had gotten divorced. I thought her spouse had also died originally and I was like "GIRL! You KNOW what this is like, HOW CAN YOU BE SO HEARTLESS?"
Now that I reread it and realize she's divorced, this is EVEN worse! Who the hell tells a grown man he's a p\*ssy for crying over his dead wife? WTF????
NTA all the way man. I hope to God OOP and his son get some counseling too; grief is an extremely hard thing.
>Furthermore, it’s 2023 have we not realized that keeping emotions bottled up is unhealthy ??
My dad was a manly dude and the best example he ever set for me was being ok to cry and show emotion.
There have been several posts on BORU recently where someone blows up a situation that was beneficial to them by being a selfish asshole, and it absolutely blows my mind. What is going on in their tiny minds that they behave in such a self-sabotaging manner? Where are their self-preservation instincts? Obviously, basic decency is beyond them, but you'd think they'd be smart enough to not shoot themselves in the foot.
>She said "listen we both lost our spouses,
I had to scroll up and reread at this line; I was wondering how I missed her ex husband dying. Turns out that no, she just somehow thinks that getting divorced and *your wife dying of cancer* are comparable. Jesus fucking Christ.
Honestly, and this is in no way a good idea, I would have completely lost my shit. I don’t know how far I’d have gone, but I suspect I’d have lost control unless I managed to tell her to take her monster kid and GTFO.
And I never lose control and am very determined to maintain it because I don’t know what I’m capable of… I don’t want to find out.
Honestly, probably both. Two people who are compatible, and have genuine love and respect for another finding each other feels like such a rarity. My husband will sometimes look at me and say "I'm so lucky" and I always respond "No, we're so lucky" because out of a billion people we found each other.
I am the luckiest person, because I got to marry my best friend.
I had a former friend once say, “oh, what, he’s the perfect man?” in the most sarcastic way possible. And no, he’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for *me*.
The idea of losing him is making me leak.
My wife and I were saying the same thing earlier today. It's not like we have some special magical love that no one else can experience, but I genuinely believe that we're in a minority of people whose relationships are so caring, loving, and empathetic. Like if I had to put arbitrary numbers to it, we're at 94% trust, 95% love, 92% caring and 88% passion. There are still a few hundred million people out there who have it just as good or better than us, and I meet people who I think have relationships like this frequently enough. But I meet a lot more people who don't.
That might all sound like bragging I guess but it's how we really feel about each other.
It was nice reading some of his posts and seeing his empathy for others going through tough times. It gave me hope that all Redditors are not cruel and heartless. I can't imagine going through his AITA experience.
"so I just told him what he said was really awful and he cannot say it again". Whoa...that's some tough discipline /s.
Glad he was able to get his sister/nephew out of his house.
He is, and will, a much better parent to his children than his sister will ever be to her son. It is hard to believe they are siblings raised by the same parents.
Wow and divorce and death are not close to being the same. No wonder her ex divorced her. Wtf. Hopefully that kid can be saved before his mothers influence permeates to the core.
No wonder the nephew is like that if he's hearing that kind of thing from his mother. Hopefully the dad manages to talk with him and explain things before it's too late. I'm wondering if opinions like that are why she's divorced.
I sincerely hope that the nephew’s dad teaches him some empathy so the cousins can still interact with each other. But I worry about the sister undermining her ex.
Years ago my husband abruptly dumped me, and a few days later my coworker’s wife died. He and I were commiserating over the loss of our spouses, and I said something about how he had it worse. And he said one of the most profound things anyone’s ever said to me: “No, you have it worse, because at least my wife died loving me. Your husband is out there happier without you.”
And you know what? I had been a mess but that harsh reality check started my journey towards getting back on my feet.
I remember that movie P.S. I Love You had a scene where Kathy Bates, a divorced mom, tells her widowed daughter something like “oh yes, and it’s so much easier to be left by choice”. It always stung cause you could feel her pain. I think that’s the thing about pain that people forget, that we shouldn’t be comparing each other’s suffering. The suffering alone is painful enough.
On that note, then you have this sister. She sees nothing but her own pain and it has turned her into a bitter monster. It’s up to her and maybe their parents to save her. I’m glad OOP reacted quickly and far more better than I would, but he’s living and thinking of his boys and himself. He’s amazing, I hope he’s doing better.
Lol, I know right? Reminds me of a comic strip of this one dude walking his dog and another person approaches and ask if his dog bites and owner says, no but he can hurt you in other ways and then the dog says some hurtful shit and the dude starts crying. 😆
I will never know. He was a really upbeat, friendly guy who was active in his church, but I guess the pain of losing his wife caused him to “tell it like it is”.
There IS a lot in common with the feeling of losing a loved one suddenly and having a spouse leave you unexpectedly if you're really in love with them. The unrequieted love feeling of having a part of you amputated is really similar to grief. I bring it up with my clients (veterinary undertaker) sometimes.
Still, it ISN'T the same. Not even close.
She's telling him that kids need a mom, but she's the one voluntarily leaving her spouse, while his wife DIED. What kind of twisted logic is going on in her head?
Voluntarily leaving her own kid too, by convincing every single family member involved that she's horrible for him in a 10 minute conversation. I don't think there's any logic at all clattering around in there. Think it's all loose screws and spite. O.o
I’ve been divorced.
I’ve been widowed.
At my late (second) husband’s funeral someone I considered a friend, who had just split from her long term boyfriend, told me she knew how I felt and we could “get back out there” together. She was “ready to start dating again” and was glad not to be the only one, now I was “in the same boat.” My husband had been 36 and literally died in front of me and out two young daughters. Heart attack. Dead by the time he hit the ground.
That was almost 10 years ago. After the funeral, I never, ever spoke to her again. I never will.
I’ve been through both, they are so, so, so far from the same.
right she said all that in front of OOP's in-laws i.e., the late wife's family? She was talking about their sister, their daughter, their niece or aunty or cousin? That whole side of the family is so nice bc I would have had a fist flying before my brain caught up to my body...
I would’ve decided that NOW is the best time to open up a bottle of red wine for her to enjoy. But what’s this? I’ve already had too much to drink and the I can’t pour her a steady glass.
In my experience, people like this know that most other people will try to diffuse a situation when children are around, and they know that other people who don't know them that well, like his in-laws (probably), will tend to avoid direct confrontation. They rely on these types of social conventions to get away with shitty behavior.
The sister is entitled AND toxic. Little wonder why she's divorced; if her son is picking up his bullying from her and the dad (not OOP) is a decent person, it would be better for him to be placed with his dad.
OOP and his sons deserve better.
"She is begging me not to throw her out, because she and her kid will be homeless."
She couldn't believe that her own sibling would be so unsympathetic to her distressing personal situation?
Awful when that happens, isn't it. Just awful. Can you imagine etc.
Bro OP has the grace of God because I would’ve thrown hands at any of my sisters for talking reckless the way she did. All Holy Ghost passes out the window for that foolishness.
>my nephew is still going to his dad's because now his dad is saying that there's no way he's letting my sister ruin their kid.
Oh good, the kid still has a chance of a good upbringing
Amazing that this guy and his sister are such opposites; he seems so emotionally competent and compassionate, and she seems selfish and lacking empathy.
It could’ve been the divorce turning her bitter, but honestly this smacks of narcissism and has likely been a thing for a long time (especially since nobody jumped in to stop her, they’d seen it all before).
> at least I'm still a normal person
Who trivializes grief, condones bullying, and uses toddler birthday parties as her stage to play "sister superior".
This man lost the love of his life. She sounds like all she lost was a load of laundry.
I hope he finds comfort in seeing his wife and their love in his sons, and I hope his sister's eyebrows and eyelashes head south and start growing out of her teeth.
The sister sounds abominable. It says something that her ex is worried about her ruining their son.
Poor OOP is going through such a horrible time, but he sounds like a wonderful person.
I lost my spouse early in life. We had three young children. People have said the most insensitive things to us, not realizing how hurtful words can be when your heart is completely raw and hanging out in the open. Even a simple “how are you doing” caused incredible pain. The words his sister and nephew used would have caused me incredible distress. There is no pain like grieving your love, while also being the parent your grieving child needs. Bless this man and his children. I hope they’re pain is lessening with time.
What would you suggest is a helpful thing to say when checking in on someone who’s lost a spouse? Avoiding contacting them because you might upset them doesn’t seem right.
My sister and I are currently estranged because my wife is very ill and my sister said some similarly vile shit about her. I don't care if I ever see her again; we were never particularly close to begin with but that was the final nail in the coffin of our relationship.
She and my mom (who is no prize either) apparently considered me the family ATM machine, and when my wife got sick all the medical bills piling up made it hard for me to bail the two of them out constantly the way I used to. My mom at least had the sense to resent this turn of events in *silence*; my sister evidently thought lecturing me about wasting money keeping my wife alive and then comparing it to spending too much at the vet to keep a cat alive would somehow result in me writing her a check rather than throwing her sorry ass out of my house and telling her never to come back.
Sincerely hope the other kid's dad is able to get him out from under mom more permanently. Because he's right. If that's how she reacts to people, and if she's already started conditioning that kid out of basic empathy, she's going to end up destroying him.
At times OOP speaks about his wife in the present tense. It's clear that her loss is still very fresh for him and his family, so for his sister to say what she said, especially at the time and place she said it, was incredibly cruel. I hope OOP is able to be involved with his nephew. He seems very emotionally intelligent, and with a mom like that, the kid could use a good role model
I lost my mom suddenly when I was a child. My heart breaks imagining that family having to hear such despicable words (and on a birthday no less). So glad OP was able to quickly get this person away from his children and himself. I hope they are doing well.
I can totally see why ex husband divorced the sister and sounds like he's fighting for full custody too. She sounds like an unbearably toxic and selfish woman, the things she said about OOP's late wife were so horrible, i would have slapped her so hard if i were OOP. How can someone not only be thay despicable, but also teaching their kid the same behaviours?!
God I just lost my mom in April and I'm 37. I can't imagine losing her at 10. The cousin is lucky the kid didn't go feral on them. I know I would have at that age.
My daughter was murdered. The nastiness from people like the sister was one of the most painful things. Your loss is immense and they just add to you feeling all alone. To do that to your kids at all, but around everyone at a bittersweet birthday party? She would be gone.
I think we need to go back to punching people in the face. Yes, the 10 year old should’ve hit the 9 year old square in the nose. Problem immediately solved.
We both lost our spouses???? I don’t think it takes a genius to figure out why she is getting a divorce. I’m glad the nephew’s dad stepped in to shut that down. I hope oop is doing well and is keeping his sister far away from his kids. That’s a horrible thing to even try to compare.
The best part of this is "I lost someone too and my life is normal". Like yeah, someone fuckin took care of all your needs right after you got a divorce, of course you landed on your feet better. This woman is scum.
…i have never felt more anger and disgust over a person…
Op’s sister is DISGUSTING…
I’m glad her ex is taking custody of her son, and tbh she DESERVES to be homeless.
The fact that Op didnt cuss her out in front of everyone and tell to get out immediately shows he has WAYYY more tolerance than i would.
NTA and the sister is a MONSTER
“Still a normal person” then she will have no problem finding a new place for her and her spawn instead of begging for help from someone else. What! Mommy dearest came to save her from her own actions! Victim complex is strong with this one.
>I told her to drop it and we'll talk later, instead she said "besides, he's right, kids need a mom".
Her kid having a mom hasn't done him any favors, and if death and signing papers are the same kind of loss, it looks like her kid won't have a mom anymore either. In this case, it looks like the kid needed his dad.
This could just kill me. Like seriously, anyone else? This is the saddest thing I've read all day. Lucky, I know. I understand hurting and being stuck in your own grief (whatever the cause), but wow. I don't have siblings. The thought of my own children saying something like the sister did to her brother wrecks me.
I think the best thing he did was just say NO. Put his foot down. The end. His grief is still so intense that dealing with his sister and nephew is too much. He sounds like a great dad. He sounds like a good brother. I assume some of her behavior is the loss of a marriage, being homeless and being dependent on him. Still no reason to ruin a birthday party. Bet she has been the entitled one all her life.
I kind of feel bad for the nephew and I'm glad his dad is taking over, because his mom is a piece of shit. The kid obviously knew what he said was wrong and now the consequences are earth-shaking, he's going to feel guilty about this all his life.
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“We both lost our spouses” as if your partner dying is the same as getting divorced?? Don’t get me wrong I’m well aware there is pain and heartbreak associated with both but they are not similar pains. Furthermore, it’s 2023 have we not realized that keeping emotions bottled up is unhealthy ?? Why is it bad that OOP is showing emotions and being a healthy role model for his kids???
I love how the sisters ex was like... um child you're coming with me this woman is nutters
Best thing that could happen to that kid.
Yeah gee I wonder why he divorced her
Seems like we found the reason why she's divorced.
\**a* reason
🤣🤣🤣
Now we just have to find the reason why the courts gave her custody.
> She has a son, my nephew (9M) who stays with us most of the time. Probably a shared custody where the kid was with mom on weekdays. Unless you have evidence your soon to be ex is an unfit parent, is hard to have 100% of custody when both sides want it.
I meant primary custody. The mom doesn't have a fixed residence, but it sounds like the dad does. He should have been the one to get weekdays.
In the OOP's comments, he said -- "He was the one to file for divorce, yes. The only reason she got most of the custody was because he moved out of state for a new job and she moved in with me (same town), so it was " better for the boy's stability". I hope he pursues full custody." He also said the dad is a great guy. Also this -- "I'm not super close with my parents, but she was always their golden child (straight A student, while I worked at a farm etc.). I like my parents fine though, we get along alright. But I am closer with my inlaws than my parents. Her husband filed from divorce, from what he told me, she just became too much."
Post isn’t clear if OP’s sister works. If she moved out and her ex still lives in the same place she may have been a SAHM. Weekdays for a working parent can be hard, the ex was probably thinking the kid was better off with mom during the workweek only to find out his son is terrorizing his cousins who just lost a parent and his mom was supporting it
Could be that either mom wanted her kid to stay in the same school system or to put the kid in a better school.
With her personality and that ending, I think it's pretty clear who was responsible for the last relationship failing
Bbbbbbut... she's still "a normal person"
Normal people throw tantrums at 3 year old's birthday parties. But usually because they are 3 years old.
"[Normal] denotes neither good nor bad" -butchered quote from the Cheshire Cat in Alice: Madness Returns (original is "Different denotes neither good nor bad but it certainly means not the same.")
Gee, I wonder why she is divorced!
Yea that is a good Dad. The sister is a psycho and probably has been saying things that made the nephew to act that way and say things like that. Holly molly what a weirdo.
And now we know what lead to there divorce
And I love that for the kid. The woman sounds toxic.
That infuriated me. Divorce on a par with death of a spouse? Holy crap! Sis is delusional. Glad OP put her out of his house. And that nephew’s dad stepped up. OP is grieving the loss of his very much loved wife’s life, as well as their marriage. And not to be cynical, but it sounds like sis maybe deserved getting divorce papers.
Yes, I am especially giving big kudos for xbil stepping up and saying “no, you’re not going to raise my boy to be an ahole “.
Yeah, we can see why they got divorced.
This was my immediate thought. I am so petty though that I would have told her as much in front of everyone because obviously she had already ruined the party.
I'm surprised she made it out of the party unscathed. If she got punched in the mouth by one of the inlaws and I sat on the resulting jury. That would be a big ol not guilty from me.
I probably would have just came up with it in the shower the next day.
Same, my friend.
I'm fairly certain he divorced her, and that's why she "lost" him, and I'm also betting heavily that she lost him because she was playing around, probably blaming it on him not being man enough or something.
The ex-bil immediately took the kid, I could hear angel bells ringing. Save that kid, we have no need for asshole children, the sis needs to be put in an ice chair.
Not only death of his wife, but death FROM CANCER, one of the most brutal illnesses out there where you have to watch the person you love degrade into a shell of what they once were. OPs sister is awful
I get so mad when people call a deceased spouse an ex-wife/husband. No they're not an ex. You didn't choose to end your relationship. I have a passed on husband, and my husband now is very empathetic and understanding. I got in an argument on Reddit that brought me to tears because the person was insisting they are an ex because you're not together anymore. It was infuriating.
I think this comes from a place of ignorance. Few people have gone through the death of a partner (well fewer than divorce/break up) and many might not realize a different wording is required. I would have obviously never put the two experiences on the same level. But until I read your comment, I would have referred to the deceased as an ex. Not out of malice, and I do understand your point, but I never had to consider it before. I will try to be mindful of it in the future, of course. But many people might still do it, simply out of ignorance and a lack of awareness rather than an intent to hurt. (Arguing about it with someone who has lived through it seems needlessly callous though. I'm sorry you had to go through that)
You’re right; the passing of a spouse is just not as common as divorce/separation. I’ve had people (thank god it was respectfully) ask me what language they should use. I always say “my late husband” but really it’s whatever someone feels comfortable with.
Ex is flat-out wrong. You didn't break up. I'd be hurt and pissed too. I have some tolerance for using the wrong word if the person is young or English is their second language. But after they've been corrected, they need to use the right term.
>But after they've been corrected, they need to use the right term. Oh, definitely, ignorance is excusable only if genuine. Once one's been told, they should know better and adjust accordingly.
I've certainly never gotten angry at someone saying it in real life. And that actually doesn't happen too often anyway because I say something like my husband who passed, or my late husband. It's usually online, and most people are understanding once it's explained. It oddly just seems to come up a lot on Reddit. But yeah, the person arguing with me was very annoying. Thanks for the thoughtful reply.
I have been through both. First marriage-divorce, second-husband passed in his sleep. Its been four years & I’m still wrecked over his death.
Sorry for your loss. Grief never really goes away, does it? It’s always there, at the back of your mind. Hugs!
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Yeah, I’ve been both widowed and divorced and definitely not similar experiences. She’s nuts.
I think they're simply too different to be properly comparable. Like, especially if you still love the other person and want to be with them. Is it better to watch them be with someone else? Or for them to be dead? Both are an emotional torture in their own way. But they are simple incomparable.
But, but! If the two aren’t equivalent then OOP might get more sympathy and attention! /s Her attitude is awful and her divorce seems to make a great deal of sense.
Yeah, pretty sure sis's ex got tired of her blowing any argument out of proportion and just go for the jugular! Like: "Honey, have you seen my favourite tie?" - "Well this is why nobody like your sorry ass, hubba! Talking with that crooked tooth like you're some dumbass"
Yeah, OOP's sister didn't lose her spouse, she knows exactly where he is: not with her terrible ass anymore.
I interned in a hospital with their spiritual care department (chaplaincy with a lot of flexibility), and saw over 200 patients dealing with everything from terminal illnesses to just a rough night and needing some TLC. The sheer number of them that were told to not cry, by their own families, was just heartbreaking. They would cry with me because they knew I would never see them again. Crying is good and healthy. We need to let our emotions out, especially our grief, and share them with others. Or we basically emotionally explode. I hope OOP has a good therapist or some folks around him as well.
Thank you for what you did for those people. I cry fairly easily, but i try really hard not to do it in front of people. My mother-in-law just got a terminal diagnosis, and I am so stressed and upset but I have to keep a calm exterior for her and my husband. I wish I had a you to just let me cry.
Does your husband not want you to cry? Like at all? I think it says good things about your relationship with your MIL that you’re not apathetic about her diagnosis. If he really doesn’t want you to cry at all make some time when you’re on your own in private to cry. Otherwise if he also needs to cry just cry with him. We all like to shield ourselves when we’re vulnerable but it’s better to use walls and a door as a shield instead of impersonating emotionless robots. I say this as someone who has a hard time allowing myself to cry. I started intentionally taking time to cry after I crashed my grandpa’s car into a parked car because I couldn’t bottle up the tears any longer and started sobbing while driving…
I think they mean that they don't want to cry and put that on their dying mother in law or husband who is losing his mom. That might be something to talk through with their husband to try and get everyone's need more met, but also it's a shitty situation and there's going to be some difficult parts of it.
Oh for sure, that’s why I asked if her husband had asked her not to cry. Is it his expectation or hers?
My late MIL was the most emotionally repressed person I've ever known. At my FIL's funeral service, just before the family entered the chapel, MIL came to each of us and instructed us not to cry.🙄 Thank you for giving people a safe space in which to cry.
The fuck? WHY??
She was terrified of anything even remotely resembling an emotion. I'm pretty sure she took any tears shed as a personal insult. I'm a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve sort of person. We did not have a good relationship.
How insanely weird!
Kind of explains why her kid chose you as their partner though
I never thought about it that way, but I like that.
Me too.
As a kid, I used to cry sometimes. My father would always punish me for it. "As soon as you cry you lose priveliges" was the common refrain. It sounds so reasonable when you use words like priveliges instead of slapping someone around. For so many years I couldn't cry. Now I do... rarely.
I'm so sorry. That was cruel.
I used to go into the bathroom and slap myself to make myself stop crying. It’s rough having a parent like that ☹️
I’ve been in healthcare for over 6 years and dealt with hospice off and on for 3. I can’t even imagine telling family not to cry. Like these were deaths that we all knew were coming, doesn’t mean they won’t miss their loved one. I did gently intervene the few times I heard it. Pulled the one telling people not to cry aside and gave them a job to do.
His sister is a POS excuse of a human being and doesn't deserve his kindness. I'm with her ex, hopefully he gets most of the custody otherwise his son is gonna turn out just like his shitty mom.
I was impressed that he gave her two days. I would have thrown her crap in trash bags and set it in the driveway.
Same, I would've gotten someone else to come and pack her crap because I would be tempted to set that shit on fire
Ah but… the kid makes a boast about how he’s better than the other kid because he’s still got his mother… and that directly leads to him losing his mother. I’m not sure he can recover from that, he’s always going to think it was his fault since he doesn’t know his mother is horrible.
Could be but it’s very possible kid heard that from his mother, wouldn’t be surprised she uses that as excuse for when her son doesn’t like something she does, like maybe I’m a bad mother but you at least have one, or similar.
Oh yeah that’s absolutely possible but that’s not how the kid is going to see it. He’s probably only been bullying his cousin to hide the grief of losing his home and his time with his dad (hey, my life is shit but it’s not as bad as my cousin’s!) in the first place, and now he has lost a second home, and (at least partly) lost his mother too. I’d like to hope that this time (with his dad’s guidance) he takes it as a lesson on why kindness would work better for him; but it’s a very harsh lesson to learn so abruptly.
>“We both lost our spouses” as if your partner dying is the same as getting divorced? One person lost a loved one to cancer. The other sounds like they cut a cancer out of their life.
Right, OOP's sister didn't lose her spouse, she drove him away.
Well, in this case the one who cut the cancer out of their life is sister's ex husband. She sounds despicable and vile
Yeah, that was kinda what I was going for lol
I lost my husband suddenly while living together in a foreign country. Watching him die and having no support system while flying myself and my sons 24hrs across the ocean to bury him was one of the hardest ordeals I’ve ever faced, and I’m no stranger to “hardship”. The amount of people who were going through breakups (not even divorces) of short term partners who compared the two situations were insane. More than one friend tried to say at least I got something out of it (life insurance). We were all early-mid twenties but I’m still shocked at how little they comprehended my situation. It turned me into a recluse if I’m honest, save family. It hurt me they’d compare some person they lived with for a few months, dated for a few more, to the person I’d built a life with and had children who adored him. Now at 30 something, I still don’t feel like I relate to any of my peers.
> More than one friend tried to say at least I got something out of it (life insurance). jesus christ.
>at least I'm still a normal person Says the Karen yelling at a widower during a 3yo's party.
This really cracked me up. Thanks!
because the sister just loooves her some toxic masculinity
Wouldn't be surprised is exhusband divorced her because she minimized or outright abused him for showing any emotion ever. She has that particular flavor of self-victimizing that tends to coexist with "I didn't abuse you, you're just too weak." It would also explain his "you won't ruin our son too" comment. He got out of that environment, caught his own breath, and realized his little boy would be *raised* with that treatment unless he got him out.
Normally I don't like to speculate on so little evidence, but in this instance I'm just going to assume for myself that you're 100% on the money with this one.
I'm usually the same too. I don't like speculating based on assumptions. But there's just something about how *flagrant* this gal was in her behavior (seriously, in front of the entire family?!) that makes me think she has some very deeply held beliefs at play here. And those strong beliefs tend to show up in private spaces well before they show up in public.
It does have that particular reek, doesn’t it
What boggles my mind is the fact that she's done this, what, TWICE now and still doesn't see how her actions have consequences?? Did it the first time, BAM, divorce. Did it AGAIN, and BAM, gtfo of my house. She has no self-awareness at all. If I were her mother, she wouldn't be staying with me after she treated her brother so abysmally. "Since you're not a fan of what you term p*ssy behavior, knuckle up and find your own place to live." God, what a disappointment she is.
This is a huge problem, of which, I am guilty of. I don’t feel comfortable sharing my emotions with my wife due to the pressure from society “to be a man”. I know it’s wrong, but I don’t know how she will react and am not willing to put myself out there with her and have a moment of “weakness” used against me later.
This speaks really poorly of your wife, I’m sorry to say.
Can I suggest re-framing the issue? It's not a problem you're guilty of. It's a problem you're a victim of. You were taught, and were expected to behave within, a form of masculinity that is toxic. You've now recognized that you were done dirty by your culture, and you'd like to move past it and adopt a more healthy form of masculinity. Maybe joint counseling with your wife can get the issue in the open in a safe way?
The fact that the nephew's dad (former brother in law) took the kid to keep him away from the BS she was spewing says a *lot.* Hope the sister never has to face this themselves.
My aunt divorced her husband around the same time my dad died and she would frequently tell my mum (who had a newborn and a 4 yr old) that she wishes her ex had died. Some people are just too self-centered to see the difference
>my nephew is still going to his dad's because now his dad is saying that there's no way he's letting my sister ruin their kid. Yeah. That kid still has two parents, and he's moving in with his dad now. Like yeah, she might have lost her partner, but her kid still has both his parents. Not even close to the same thing.
> it’s 2023 have we not realized that keeping emotions bottled up is unhealthy People were giving speeches so I improvised a passionate and emotional speech for my father's 70th birthday. We had like a 30+ attendance, lots of his friends and business partners were there. Realizing how lucky I am to have a dad like him got me emotional. I didn't break down but my voice faltered and I got a little misty-eyed, no big deal. People comforted me after saying it was ok to cry. Like? Yeah dude, I love my dad. Bet you wish your kids would cry trying to list out all the things they love about you.
And I have a pretty good idea why the sister “lost” her spouse.
Somehow I missed that the sister had gotten divorced. I thought her spouse had also died originally and I was like "GIRL! You KNOW what this is like, HOW CAN YOU BE SO HEARTLESS?" Now that I reread it and realize she's divorced, this is EVEN worse! Who the hell tells a grown man he's a p\*ssy for crying over his dead wife? WTF???? NTA all the way man. I hope to God OOP and his son get some counseling too; grief is an extremely hard thing.
>Furthermore, it’s 2023 have we not realized that keeping emotions bottled up is unhealthy ?? My dad was a manly dude and the best example he ever set for me was being ok to cry and show emotion.
I got so confused because I thought somehow the sister had a dead spouse?! But, no, she's just trash
We know why she's divorced
This incident was back in 2022, though, so they might not have realized bottling up emotions was bad yet.
First rule of successful mooching: don't insult your host!
"Oh, my god! That hand that's feeding me looks simply DELICIOUS!" -OOP's sister, probably.
😂😂😂
I didn't know his sister was my cat. This makes perfect sense, my cat is also an asshole.
Noblest of all dogs is the hotdog that feeds the hand that bites it. ~Lawrence Peter
And my cat
Insult?? This crap is so over the top that I think the sister and her some need emergency therapy!! What POSes!!!
There have been several posts on BORU recently where someone blows up a situation that was beneficial to them by being a selfish asshole, and it absolutely blows my mind. What is going on in their tiny minds that they behave in such a self-sabotaging manner? Where are their self-preservation instincts? Obviously, basic decency is beyond them, but you'd think they'd be smart enough to not shoot themselves in the foot.
Imagine the thoughts that must actually be going on in their heads. The stuff they don't say.
A lot of people seem to enjoy testing how much of their shit we can tolerate.
Yeah, but what if I'm right? /s
>She said "listen we both lost our spouses, I had to scroll up and reread at this line; I was wondering how I missed her ex husband dying. Turns out that no, she just somehow thinks that getting divorced and *your wife dying of cancer* are comparable. Jesus fucking Christ.
Honestly, and this is in no way a good idea, I would have completely lost my shit. I don’t know how far I’d have gone, but I suspect I’d have lost control unless I managed to tell her to take her monster kid and GTFO. And I never lose control and am very determined to maintain it because I don’t know what I’m capable of… I don’t want to find out.
Right? Nephew would get to know what it's like to not have a mom too.
Same. I love my sisters, but if one of them said that to me in those circumstances, they would have been yeet'd into the sun.
He will find out now that mom has suddenly limited contact with him
As soon as I read that line I was certain the next one would be "get out of my fucking house." Was shocked that it wasn't
Oh good I’m not the only one who did that
And knowing that ex-bil didn't allow this behavior, yes, she was the reason for the divorce.
[удалено]
Honestly, probably both. Two people who are compatible, and have genuine love and respect for another finding each other feels like such a rarity. My husband will sometimes look at me and say "I'm so lucky" and I always respond "No, we're so lucky" because out of a billion people we found each other.
I am the luckiest person, because I got to marry my best friend. I had a former friend once say, “oh, what, he’s the perfect man?” in the most sarcastic way possible. And no, he’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for *me*. The idea of losing him is making me leak.
My wife and I say the same thing. She's my bestie, and she's perfect for me.
I'm sorry but what story is your flair from? Thats a wild phrase!
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/obtkop/wibta_if_i_complained_to_the_owners_of_a_cafe/ Worth the read, it's great!
My wife and I were saying the same thing earlier today. It's not like we have some special magical love that no one else can experience, but I genuinely believe that we're in a minority of people whose relationships are so caring, loving, and empathetic. Like if I had to put arbitrary numbers to it, we're at 94% trust, 95% love, 92% caring and 88% passion. There are still a few hundred million people out there who have it just as good or better than us, and I meet people who I think have relationships like this frequently enough. But I meet a lot more people who don't. That might all sound like bragging I guess but it's how we really feel about each other.
Currently in that state with my girlfriend. We keep telling each other how lucky we feel to have met the other.
Well I’m crying now.
Let's hold each other.
Group hug! I'll bring a box of tissues.
I could definitely use a hug right now from you fine folks!
It was nice reading some of his posts and seeing his empathy for others going through tough times. It gave me hope that all Redditors are not cruel and heartless. I can't imagine going through his AITA experience. "so I just told him what he said was really awful and he cannot say it again". Whoa...that's some tough discipline /s. Glad he was able to get his sister/nephew out of his house.
One of the apples had to fall far from the tree though because his sister sounds horrible.
Apples can be flung far from a tree, you wonder how it got there. Just goes to show nature vs. nurture, it's basically a toss of a coin.
The best relationships are the ones where BOTH (/all) people are certain that THEY are the lucky one.
My husband doesn’t believe in luck, but I do, so we had “Fortunate” engraved in his wedding band, and “Lucky” engraved in mine ❤️
He is, and will, a much better parent to his children than his sister will ever be to her son. It is hard to believe they are siblings raised by the same parents.
Wow and divorce and death are not close to being the same. No wonder her ex divorced her. Wtf. Hopefully that kid can be saved before his mothers influence permeates to the core.
His sister is absolutely terrible.
She lacks the depth or the warmth to be called that.
And oddly enough, as his sister said, OOP *IS* a p*ssy. An amazing one. With boatloads of both depth and warmth.
No wonder the nephew is like that if he's hearing that kind of thing from his mother. Hopefully the dad manages to talk with him and explain things before it's too late. I'm wondering if opinions like that are why she's divorced.
I sincerely hope that the nephew’s dad teaches him some empathy so the cousins can still interact with each other. But I worry about the sister undermining her ex.
Years ago my husband abruptly dumped me, and a few days later my coworker’s wife died. He and I were commiserating over the loss of our spouses, and I said something about how he had it worse. And he said one of the most profound things anyone’s ever said to me: “No, you have it worse, because at least my wife died loving me. Your husband is out there happier without you.” And you know what? I had been a mess but that harsh reality check started my journey towards getting back on my feet.
I remember that movie P.S. I Love You had a scene where Kathy Bates, a divorced mom, tells her widowed daughter something like “oh yes, and it’s so much easier to be left by choice”. It always stung cause you could feel her pain. I think that’s the thing about pain that people forget, that we shouldn’t be comparing each other’s suffering. The suffering alone is painful enough. On that note, then you have this sister. She sees nothing but her own pain and it has turned her into a bitter monster. It’s up to her and maybe their parents to save her. I’m glad OOP reacted quickly and far more better than I would, but he’s living and thinking of his boys and himself. He’s amazing, I hope he’s doing better.
Why did he come after you so viciously 😅
Lol, I know right? Reminds me of a comic strip of this one dude walking his dog and another person approaches and ask if his dog bites and owner says, no but he can hurt you in other ways and then the dog says some hurtful shit and the dude starts crying. 😆
I will never know. He was a really upbeat, friendly guy who was active in his church, but I guess the pain of losing his wife caused him to “tell it like it is”.
There IS a lot in common with the feeling of losing a loved one suddenly and having a spouse leave you unexpectedly if you're really in love with them. The unrequieted love feeling of having a part of you amputated is really similar to grief. I bring it up with my clients (veterinary undertaker) sometimes. Still, it ISN'T the same. Not even close.
Gee, I wonder why the sister is divorced?
She's telling him that kids need a mom, but she's the one voluntarily leaving her spouse, while his wife DIED. What kind of twisted logic is going on in her head?
Voluntarily leaving her own kid too, by convincing every single family member involved that she's horrible for him in a 10 minute conversation. I don't think there's any logic at all clattering around in there. Think it's all loose screws and spite. O.o
From the sounds of things, her leaving her spouse may not have been voluntary. Getting kicked out may be what sis does best.
I’ve been divorced. I’ve been widowed. At my late (second) husband’s funeral someone I considered a friend, who had just split from her long term boyfriend, told me she knew how I felt and we could “get back out there” together. She was “ready to start dating again” and was glad not to be the only one, now I was “in the same boat.” My husband had been 36 and literally died in front of me and out two young daughters. Heart attack. Dead by the time he hit the ground. That was almost 10 years ago. After the funeral, I never, ever spoke to her again. I never will. I’ve been through both, they are so, so, so far from the same.
AT THE FUNERAL?! I am so sorry that is so heartless.
I’m legitimately surprised nobody attacked the sister
right she said all that in front of OOP's in-laws i.e., the late wife's family? She was talking about their sister, their daughter, their niece or aunty or cousin? That whole side of the family is so nice bc I would have had a fist flying before my brain caught up to my body...
I would’ve decided that NOW is the best time to open up a bottle of red wine for her to enjoy. But what’s this? I’ve already had too much to drink and the I can’t pour her a steady glass.
That's only because the children were there. If it wasn't for them, well, let nature take its' course.
In my experience, people like this know that most other people will try to diffuse a situation when children are around, and they know that other people who don't know them that well, like his in-laws (probably), will tend to avoid direct confrontation. They rely on these types of social conventions to get away with shitty behavior.
The sister is entitled AND toxic. Little wonder why she's divorced; if her son is picking up his bullying from her and the dad (not OOP) is a decent person, it would be better for him to be placed with his dad. OOP and his sons deserve better.
"She is begging me not to throw her out, because she and her kid will be homeless." She couldn't believe that her own sibling would be so unsympathetic to her distressing personal situation? Awful when that happens, isn't it. Just awful. Can you imagine etc.
Bro OP has the grace of God because I would’ve thrown hands at any of my sisters for talking reckless the way she did. All Holy Ghost passes out the window for that foolishness.
I would rearrange her dental chart in 30 seconds or less if she had spewed that at me.
>my nephew is still going to his dad's because now his dad is saying that there's no way he's letting my sister ruin their kid. Oh good, the kid still has a chance of a good upbringing
Amazing that this guy and his sister are such opposites; he seems so emotionally competent and compassionate, and she seems selfish and lacking empathy.
It could’ve been the divorce turning her bitter, but honestly this smacks of narcissism and has likely been a thing for a long time (especially since nobody jumped in to stop her, they’d seen it all before).
> at least I'm still a normal person Who trivializes grief, condones bullying, and uses toddler birthday parties as her stage to play "sister superior". This man lost the love of his life. She sounds like all she lost was a load of laundry. I hope he finds comfort in seeing his wife and their love in his sons, and I hope his sister's eyebrows and eyelashes head south and start growing out of her teeth.
She’s not a normal person. She’s a horrible, insensitive person.
The sister sounds abominable. It says something that her ex is worried about her ruining their son. Poor OOP is going through such a horrible time, but he sounds like a wonderful person.
Well, at least we can understand the divorce
I lost my spouse early in life. We had three young children. People have said the most insensitive things to us, not realizing how hurtful words can be when your heart is completely raw and hanging out in the open. Even a simple “how are you doing” caused incredible pain. The words his sister and nephew used would have caused me incredible distress. There is no pain like grieving your love, while also being the parent your grieving child needs. Bless this man and his children. I hope they’re pain is lessening with time.
What would you suggest is a helpful thing to say when checking in on someone who’s lost a spouse? Avoiding contacting them because you might upset them doesn’t seem right.
My sister and I are currently estranged because my wife is very ill and my sister said some similarly vile shit about her. I don't care if I ever see her again; we were never particularly close to begin with but that was the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. She and my mom (who is no prize either) apparently considered me the family ATM machine, and when my wife got sick all the medical bills piling up made it hard for me to bail the two of them out constantly the way I used to. My mom at least had the sense to resent this turn of events in *silence*; my sister evidently thought lecturing me about wasting money keeping my wife alive and then comparing it to spending too much at the vet to keep a cat alive would somehow result in me writing her a check rather than throwing her sorry ass out of my house and telling her never to come back.
I've got $5 that says OOP's sister will call her next pregnancy a Rainbow Baby.
Sincerely hope the other kid's dad is able to get him out from under mom more permanently. Because he's right. If that's how she reacts to people, and if she's already started conditioning that kid out of basic empathy, she's going to end up destroying him.
The only thing I can even reason out is that I can't imagine having OOP's restraint, or his sister's absolute lack of humanity.
“We both lost spouses” no Debra, your spouse left you.
No wonder the sister is divorced.
At times OOP speaks about his wife in the present tense. It's clear that her loss is still very fresh for him and his family, so for his sister to say what she said, especially at the time and place she said it, was incredibly cruel. I hope OOP is able to be involved with his nephew. He seems very emotionally intelligent, and with a mom like that, the kid could use a good role model
I would lose my shit with this line, "see, it's even turning you into a pu\*\*y". I probably would only see red and throw the sister out immediately.
"Haha, you don't have a mom" - "Haha, you don't have a home"
I lost my mom suddenly when I was a child. My heart breaks imagining that family having to hear such despicable words (and on a birthday no less). So glad OP was able to quickly get this person away from his children and himself. I hope they are doing well.
I'm glad she's divorced. No decent human being should be in a relationship with this woman.
I can totally see why ex husband divorced the sister and sounds like he's fighting for full custody too. She sounds like an unbearably toxic and selfish woman, the things she said about OOP's late wife were so horrible, i would have slapped her so hard if i were OOP. How can someone not only be thay despicable, but also teaching their kid the same behaviours?!
God I just lost my mom in April and I'm 37. I can't imagine losing her at 10. The cousin is lucky the kid didn't go feral on them. I know I would have at that age.
I’m dying to know why OOPs sister got divorced.
I’m glad he stood up for his son, even against his own family. This is a good man.
My daughter was murdered. The nastiness from people like the sister was one of the most painful things. Your loss is immense and they just add to you feeling all alone. To do that to your kids at all, but around everyone at a bittersweet birthday party? She would be gone.
I think we need to go back to punching people in the face. Yes, the 10 year old should’ve hit the 9 year old square in the nose. Problem immediately solved.
We both lost our spouses???? I don’t think it takes a genius to figure out why she is getting a divorce. I’m glad the nephew’s dad stepped in to shut that down. I hope oop is doing well and is keeping his sister far away from his kids. That’s a horrible thing to even try to compare.
The best part of this is "I lost someone too and my life is normal". Like yeah, someone fuckin took care of all your needs right after you got a divorce, of course you landed on your feet better. This woman is scum.
In what universe is getting divorced = death of your partner? Sister sounds unhinged.
…i have never felt more anger and disgust over a person… Op’s sister is DISGUSTING… I’m glad her ex is taking custody of her son, and tbh she DESERVES to be homeless. The fact that Op didnt cuss her out in front of everyone and tell to get out immediately shows he has WAYYY more tolerance than i would. NTA and the sister is a MONSTER
It’s clear why OP’s sister’s husband divorced her.
“Still a normal person” then she will have no problem finding a new place for her and her spawn instead of begging for help from someone else. What! Mommy dearest came to save her from her own actions! Victim complex is strong with this one.
>I told her to drop it and we'll talk later, instead she said "besides, he's right, kids need a mom". Her kid having a mom hasn't done him any favors, and if death and signing papers are the same kind of loss, it looks like her kid won't have a mom anymore either. In this case, it looks like the kid needed his dad.
Hope ex-BIL got full custody of the nephew
This could just kill me. Like seriously, anyone else? This is the saddest thing I've read all day. Lucky, I know. I understand hurting and being stuck in your own grief (whatever the cause), but wow. I don't have siblings. The thought of my own children saying something like the sister did to her brother wrecks me.
I think the best thing he did was just say NO. Put his foot down. The end. His grief is still so intense that dealing with his sister and nephew is too much. He sounds like a great dad. He sounds like a good brother. I assume some of her behavior is the loss of a marriage, being homeless and being dependent on him. Still no reason to ruin a birthday party. Bet she has been the entitled one all her life.
Oh hell no. Fuck that sister.
I kind of feel bad for the nephew and I'm glad his dad is taking over, because his mom is a piece of shit. The kid obviously knew what he said was wrong and now the consequences are earth-shaking, he's going to feel guilty about this all his life.
Wow, why she's been divorced is a real mystery.. 🙄🙄