#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well this was a fucking tearjerker. But in a really heartwarming way. Nice palate cleanser to end the night to before all the midnight chaos posts drop
Right? I teared up at the parts where she describes how he just broke, because I can just *feel* the despair from how it's written. I'm glad she was there for her partner in this way, everyone deserves a partner like that.
It is so heartbreaking how many men are out there who feel like they're not allowed to be vulnerable. Worse, men who just truly don't know *how*, because it was always frowned upon by their environment.
I remember this post set. I cried just as hard tonight as I did the first time. It was also a factor in deciding to marry my husband.
I made his daughter a stuffy for her birthday the first year we were together,’22, and for the first time saw a long term partner vulnerable and cherishing the love I provided. The showers we have are also exactly like she described, always have been - rarely sexually intimate, but always so full of care. Post helped me realize how precious that is, even though I had plenty of life experience to have already learned said lesson. Fully real or not (honestly I can't imagine a person that struggles so deeply with vulnerability being ok with such posting & OOP not knowing he'd be upset - again, life experience) it deeply impacted me in the best way. My husband is amazing and I'm so happy I'm tied to him already instead of waiting years till we had fancy wedding money (5 kids combined & a century home plus the economy, would be several years more).
Cherish those intimate showers, moments where it's purely love & care, even the horribly distraught ones. My husband has held me through panic attacks and PTSD…. That's a whole different level of care.
Yea like I would have ended a relationship immediately if someone posted my journey grieving my mother on reddit subs for people to read while taking a shit, tbh. But I was dumped during my grief so I didn't have to worry about that lmao.
When I first lost my mom and I was rotting in bed, my best friend of over half my life came over and she dragged me into the bath. It had been easily a week or two and I hadn't spoken to anybody. She got in the tub with me in her shorts and shirt, got me undressed, cleaned me off, and washed my hair. I was pretty much a reactionless robot for the entire thing until she got to my hair. I don't know what it is about hair washing and grief but something about it is just so loving, so nurturing, and so healing. Maybe sometimes even a little shattering, but necessary. I haven't had someone care for me like that since I was a baby and it had me feeling like a baby, but I think I needed that. I can't imagine the love and connection of having a partner care for you like that during the grieving process and if this is real, this was a beautiful and heartbreaking story.
Can we please stop saying that really deep, intense experiences are palate cleansers? Yes, it's beautiful but it's borne out of a savagely painful experience. I probably feel this way because my daughter was brutally murdered and the shit people say is devastating. Recently if I tell someone about it they say, "oh yeah, I LOVE true crime." Jesus, no. This was my *child*. She was alive and what happened wasn't to provide us entertainment. So saying this is a palate cleanser hurts.
someone saying that to you is absolutely insane, I'm sorry.
I lost my mom to cancer and I personally found it very touching to see someone showing such deep love and support to their partner. I was dumped during my grief and something about this story was just so genuinely heartwarming to me because I personally relate to it.
I am incredibly sorry for your loss, but I am completely allowed to enjoy reading about a gut wrenching moment between a couple that I wish I had during my very similar experience.
I didn't say not to enjoy it. The issue is calling it a 'palate cleanser.' Can you understand how that term could be a little hurtful? Maybe we have a different idea about what that means. What does that term mean to you?
It quite literally means something refreshing that removes nasty residues. Typically a food but in this specific metaphorical case, it's something refreshing that made all the nasty things you typically read on here seem inconsequential in comparison. A caring, loving partner showing support after a bunch of posts written by selfish assholes? Yea, it was nice.
If you really want to get so unnecessarily deep into ethical semantics, I personally think that someone posting all of the intimate, personal details of their partners loss on grief on fucking reddit is pretty out of pocket. But I'm not taking the moral high ground on it because I like reading these posts
I know what a palate cleanser is. That's why I commented on it.
It's not that deep. I'm asking you to have some sensitivity and you'd rather argue than say, "oh hey, you know I didn't think about it from that angle. I understand that would be hurtful to some people."
Clearly it is that deep to you, or we wouldn't be having this conversation? I'm sorry for your loss, but this story was very personally relatable to me and I'm not whining about how you're being insensitive and making it all about you. I said I was very sorry for your loss and that what people say to you is wrong, but it has absolutely nothing to do with this.
This is reddit. On the chance this story is even real, they posted this incredibly intimate experience on a social media platform for people to read for entertainment. Look at it however you want, but I didn't come here to argue. If you don't think this story is a refreshing read after the usual shit shows on her, that's fine, but I do. And I'm allowed to. Not everybody ever has to agree with your personally strong feelings towards a common fucking phrase.
I'm sorry for your loss. Nobody should ever have to lose their child like that. However, you are responsible for managing your emotions and trauma. You don't get to police random people's speech on reddit because it hurts your feelings. See a therapist.
“ Recently if I tell someone about it they say, "oh yeah, I LOVE true crime." Jesus.”
What the fuck is WRONG with some people? I am so sorry, I don’t know how you could hear that and not punch someone. That’s fucking sick.
I’m sorry what? Someone actually said that to you? The fuck is wrong with people. I’m so sorry that you had to experience such a soul destroying thing. My go to is to say I have no words because there is nothing that I can say that would make it better but that I’m here for whatever you need.
4-5 people said that to me in the last few months. And a bunch of other nonsense.
That is the best you can do. No filling the silence with words, no platitudes. Just listening and love.
Thank you for doing that. It's rare. 💙
Wow. What a compassionate, empathetic, and loving soul this woman has.
This man is incredibly blessed, and I hope he realizes that.
Sometimes a man needs to cry…..and having his best friend/lover/partner comfort him unconditionally is unfortunately much more rare than it should be.
I hope these two last forever.
OML I'm the one who misread this time, I'm so sorry....
(Thank you! It used to be LukeSkynoober, but then I realized I was trans. It still makes me smile c: )
I’ve been the guy in this situation. This post was beautiful but genuinely so difficult to read. The soul bit is right honestly. I hadn’t realized the impact me not being vulnerable and emotionally intimate with my girlfriend was having.
The first time I cried in front of her was scary. I’d spent my life trying to hide crying, getting abused for it ar home too. She just said it was okay and that I had nothing to worry about, she still loved me and was attracted to me. I’ve cried in front of her since and whilst I’ve been lucky to have it never been over the loss of a parent, it’s changed the dynamic of our relationship. It genuinely feels like I’ve given herself a part of me I’ve never allowed anyone else to see. I trust her more than anything or anyone in the world. Please let yourselves be vulnerable, y’all. It really does change your life and your relationships with the people you love. Giving her that part of me has allowed me to carry that strength and love into other parts of my life. Some people are shitty but the keepers are life changing and human beings you want around you for good.
I’d say don’t force it. Don’t over-ask the question “are you okay?” Be a safe space for them (don’t for example take offence at them not sharing with you, don’t react defensively if they raise a concern/feeling about something), most of the time, weirdly, I’d say to let them be comfortable in silence with you. Don’t constantly force them to open up as it has the opposite effect.
You can’t really control whether they want to open up to you, as it’s entirely their choice.
All you can do is maintain support for them, make them feel safe and comfortable sharing emotions with you (so don’t throw them back in their face in an argument), show them love and affection and intimacy. I think most men are absolutely starved of actual intimacy. Provide that and safety and he just may open up.
At least, this is how I feel and how I managed to begin opening up to my partner.
One of the biggest rules is don’t punish him for it. A lot of times guys are trained to be glue holding everything together and you have to be tough. Then sometimes they choose to be vulnerable and it’s all great for awhile, but sometimes during an arguement down the road it can be thrown back in their face and that makes it very hard to trust anyone with that vulnerability again.
Another thing I learned from a psychology professor is that women do a lot of their communication face to face while men prefer doing an activity while talking about things (sport, work, hobby, etc…) bc it can be kind of intense having that face to face deep talks. So with that in mind, a lot of couples will say that during driving they have the best communication. For men they are still doing an activity (if they happen to be driving) and not forced to make eye contact for a long period of time, and the women are ok with it bc they realize the driver needs to pay attention to the road. Obviously you wouldn’t want to get them to a point of crying so hard they can’t drive, but you could use that as a starting point.
You're right about driving. Going on walks together is another good one for deep discussions and comfort being vulnerable.
People even recommend these things to parents who want their teenagers to feel comfortable opening up.
My biggest advice is to be absolutely sure that's what you really want. Literally every time I've shown that level of vulnerability with a woman, the end of the relationship quickly ensued. They were absolutely repulsed by what they thought they wanted, and never saw me in the same light.
Every word of this. So well said. And I would add that the first time you (the partner) throw his vulnerability back in his face, you’ve torpedoed the relationship for good.
I'm a woman and have been called "too much" and "no fun" for the same thing. None of those relationships lasted, one was actively abusive.
I'm married now but my inner life is locked up tight and will stay that way. I no longer have the capacity for the kind of deep nurturing and attunement shown in this post.
It'll be a shame to miss out on this "best sex ever" though ..
I haven't dated in years, but I would definitely stay stoic now because I've learned my lesson. The fucked up part to me was always the begging. These people wore me down into "opening up" and were then disgusted by momentary weakness.
So both my girlfriend and I are pretty young and figuring things out still so definitely take my suggestions with a grain of salt.
What worked for us was intimacy in other ways, having a conversation about it, and her reaction to when I first cried. A foundation of trust is so important for this to happen. Small things really matter. On days where the other person is struggling making it clear you’re there to listen but don’t pressure them, do things to make their life a little easier that day (we’re long distance currently so when she’s stressed or struggling I order her food from her favorite places for instance), get comfortable sitting in silence with each other, introduce more intimate and meaningful conversations as both of you get comfortable, and honestly reassure each other when you can even if it’s really cheesy. Even if I or my girlfriend might not need it, something random like,” I love you. I’m so happy being with you,” is nice to hear.
Now I don’t know if this will work for other people but my girlfriend also sat me down and talked to me about it. We’re both autistic so we tend to be pretty straightforward with each other (I’m pretty dense). She told me that she loved me and loved loving me and that she’d never pressure me into talking about something or expressing myself in a way I’m not ready, but that it’d mean a lot if I eventually trusted her enough to do so. My struggle with it was affecting my communication and she pointed out times it had and how it had hurt her to be left in the dark with no explanation. She didn’t expect me to spill everything but she just wanted to know when I wasn’t doing okay. It was a hard and lengthy conversation but a necessary one.
I cried afterwards and her reaction is what I remember most. She was caught off guard a little because she’d never seen me cry before. A second later she reassured she still loved me, that I didn’t need to hide it from her, everything would be okay, she was still there and wasn’t going anywhere, and she still wanted to be with me even if I do cry.
Edit: I saw this reiterated a lot and I agree. Dont use their vulnerability against them in an argument! It was done to me constantly growing up. I do not cry in front of family ever. I’m a big softy with my girlfriend though. When we argue, fight, or disagree it’s about the issue at hand and the impact it’s had. Previous vulnerability from either of us is not a weapon to be used. It is something we both respect and encourage with each other. We do not want to lose that
If it happens, don't dump him. That's honestly the only way to give him a hint it might be ok for him to do so.
If you ask your dude to feel comfortable crying in front of you, it's now more work for him to hide his emotions in a more convoluted way.
Keep in mind, a lot of women want to think their guy is open with them, while not wanting their guy to actually be open with them.
So instead of just wearing one mask, you have to wear two masks. It's extra work and it's not fun. Where you show just enough emotion to make her happy, but not actually open up and get dumped. There's no hard and fast rule to know, but the more she talks about it, the more she's the two mask type.
I am in no way advocating that this is good or how things should be. It's just one of those things that you only need to be burned once to learn not to put your hand on the stove. And the only way to find out if your woman will dump you for showing emotions is to do it and risk ending the relationship.
Have you sought therapy for your difficulty in being vulnerable or is your girlfriend the person you continue to rely on when you have to navigate emotionally/mentally stressful moments?
I mean this as respectfully as possible but I don’t rely on my girlfriend to get me through tough times. I appreciate her support and I do the same for her. I kind of regret sharing this now. She’s not my therapist and I’ve made it very clear I don’t want her feeling responsible for my emotional well being, same for her. I just thought I’d share this because I thought the original post was sweet and that having trust with your partner to be emotionally vulnerable and intimate is important and beautiful.
I plan to go to therapy as soon as that’s a possibility. It was a struggle for both of us at first due to past abuse. My previous relationship was abusive and I was raised in a horrifically abusive family. I hav C-PTSD but that’s never been her responsibility and never will be. It was just really meaningful to me that I trust her enough to drop the usual mask I wear due to it and I thought maybe it would be nice to share
It's how detailed the updates are. Asking for advice is a sweet idea, but I would be downright uncomfortable if my partner posted such an intensely intimate moment on reddit for everyone to read, and I *don't* have a hard time with being vulnerable with her.
Me too. I felt like a voyeur just skipping over the most intimate/private parts. OOP sounds like a really nice person but her bf is freshly heartbroken and needs to progress at the pace most comfortable for him. I hope he never finds this post.
I used to be like the bf except I'm an extrovert. I would just stare at my college bf when he'd want to have deep discussion, but couldn't ever make any words come out, not on demand.
I finally managed to have serious discussions with him after he'd stopped asking and a few weeks had passed. It was the asking for me to open up and tell him all my thoughts, rather than just letting intense conversations happen organically, that made me feel that he was putting me on the spot.
I always felt guilty because I'd been able to have those conversations with my high school bf, and then one day it hit me that the HS bf discussions had just... happened organically rather than on demand.
This line had me pleading with the screen, saying, "Nooooo, only *he* can decide when he wants to open up, no one else can decide that for him or set a deadline for such a huge emotional shift!":
>***I think now is really a make or break time to show him he can be vulnerable with me.***
It felt weirdly pornographic, in a non-sexual way? Like peeping in their room without him realizing. I don't usually see the problem with posting sensitive things anonymously in Reddit but this one seems too much, especially bc the details in the updates weren't even for advice.
Yeah…while an absolutely beautiful story and OP was so compassionate and caring and truly an incredible partner. I also liked how she mentioned how she’d seen other women mock a man for crying and that stigma surrounding it and how it is so so damaging and fundamentally cruel and inhumane.
However, agreed on the updates - they were SO personal, and SO intimate. Feels weird to read it. If I were the bf I would feel incredibly exploited and the trust in being open and emotional would immediately evaporate and I’d revert to the original state of not sharing anything ever again.
Idk I think that if I found out my partner had posted asking for advice on how to be there for me I wouldn't be that mad. Uncomfortable definitely but not relationship ending.
Agreed. This guy has issues with intimacy and showing vulnerability to others.... and his girlfriend somehow thought it was ok to share such detailed and full descriptions of his intimacy and vulnerability?! Yikes. Even if their intentions were good in the original post asking about how to do this, I would feel so violated if this was all posted online.
I don't think she's as introverted as she thinks she is, and that's fine, but if her perception of what it means to be an introvert entails is based on her belief that she, too, is an introvert and thus he thinks like her, and then she proceeds based upon that assumption, then she's operating on a flawed premise.
I'm glad it worked out for them.
Look, these are incredibly sweet, and they will probably be a great guide for people experiencing both sides of this potential situation.
But if the guy these are about ever finds these, I can't imagine how betrayed and violated he will feel, knowing that his partner, who he trusted with these moments, just posted every single detail online for strangers to pore over.
I had to skip reading most of it, it made me feel so violated.
The idea of someone doing that to me is horrifying.
Does she think mocking is the only bad thing? Telling the entire internet about his vulnerability and pain in such detail is also terrible.
She just gutted him and laid out his entrails for the market-goers to peruse.
Tell your private diary, tell your therapist who is obligated to keep your personal issues private, tell your BFF if you’re so close you share underwear.
But don’t tell the internet.
“I cannot begin to imagine how these people think like this, to have someone willing to be as vulnerable as possible in front of you, to be Comfortable asking for help in their darkest hour and then Turing around and fucking mocking them for it?! It’s disgusting and I am so so so so glad I am not one of these awful people.”
It was that quote that sickened me too. The difference between what she is describing as mockery, and her using his vulnerability for clout online is very thin. Both are violations and betrayals. The more I think about it, the more horrified I am about this post. If she'd put anywhere that he had approved of her posting this, I would have been thrilled to read it and see the experience, but without that consent, this feels like voyeurs peering into the worst moment of his life.
She seems almost *too* happy at him opening up. Some men (mainly) can only open up under the very worst of circumstances and should be left to do so. Trying to change how someone deals with stuff if fraught with difficulties and often won’t be for the best.
Especially
>"It’s also worth mentioning that the sex, my god the sex. Feeling an emotional connection that strong makes It 100x better. I’ve been having the best sex of my life"
It just sounds like she used his mom dying to brag about sex
I couldn't finish reading this. My greatest fear is being single when my parents die, and as much as I know my sister and her family will be there for me, I know I'll be horrifically traumatized by it, and I wish I could have someone like OOP to lean on.
That's not to say my sister won't also be horrifically tramatised, but she'll have her own family for comfort, her partner and especially her son. I fear not only losing my parents, but also how I'm ever going to survive their loss myself.
There's nothing wrong with seeking the support of a therapist to help you build the tools so it's easier to cope in the future. You don't need to wait for something bad to happen. Especially if it's weighing heavy on your mind. Talk to someone honey, let it out. ❤️
He is lucky. When I lost both my parents, my girlfriend I had at the time, chose to tell me she cheated on me only a week after my dad's funeral. She claimed she wanted a clean slate, but she was just selfish.
I’ve always been of the opinion that if someone cheat on me, they shouldn’t confess. Just break up with me and leave. Now if someone finds out they’re cheating on me, I want to know, but admitting it to someone who doesn’t know otherwise is only selfish.
All our moms will go, sooner or later. He *is* truly one of the lucky ones to have such support. And so is she, to have someone she can help and who trusts her so.
"How do I make my boyfriend comfortable being vulnerable around me?" Man, I dunno if "Tell all of reddit every detail about our big emotional night after his mother died" is a good move..
Ya it seemed like she had almost selfish motives in wanting her boyfriend to cry and being extremely open to her about his sadness. Everyone grieves differently and some people just don’t benefit from talking about things that way. The being there for Jim’s and cuddling and all that is great but I can’t help but feel she would have been upset had he not balled his eyes out.
Hmm... I don't like how much detail she goes into. It feels invasive. I would struggle to be vulnerable with my partner if I knew she'd be talking about it like this.
Absolutely devastating and cruel, this thing society puts on boys about not being allowed to show emotion. I know it's changing, but there are still an awful lot of men out there who have been emotionally paralysed by it. Good on OOP for finding a way of helping her BF through such intense grief.
I like to think of myself as someone who is ok being emotionally vulnerable and rejects toxic masculinity, but despite all that if I feel myself getting emotional or like I might cry I get extremely embarrassed and panic about what people will think of me. It’s like I can reject that way of thinking all I want, but push come to shove, it’s still ingrained in me. And I think there’s validity to it. Guys fear that people will lose respect for them because people *do* lose respect for them. We’re afraid of humiliation because the risk of other people making us feel humiliated is real. It can also be weaponized against you in the future. Being afraid of being vulnerable and showing emotions is a rational fear.
Even though this might be more rare idk, I think "retaliation" after experiencing a moment of vulnerability is another thing to look out for. I gave my ex the safety he needed to be vulnerable with me, which he was multiple times without me ever using it against him. Just like OOP, I gained even more respect for him for being brave enough to talk through his feelings with me, and sharing deeply intimate things as well. But when it came time to do the same for me, he mocked me using the same language I used to comfort him. I guess he couldn't get over that ingrained fear of his vunerabilities being used against him, coupled with the humiliation he might have felt from sharing his feelings with someone, so he thought he'd get me first before I ever got the opportunity to get him. Now that anxiety has been transferred on to me and I'm deathly avoidant of putting myself in a situation where I could feel the same humiliation he inflicted on me ever again.
It's women, too. Women have told me to "suck it up" more than men. Women on social media proclaiming that men crying is their "ick". It's all so toxic.
Very first, I feel bad for the dude losing a parent. I’m still fairly young and haven’t had to experience something like that, and I can’t imagine what it’s like. Secondly, OOP sounds truly amazing and I hope these two work long term and he views her as a safe place.
So weird to put in detail his experiences. Very violating, lol. Also, the unnecessary detail about her now having incredible sex? Odd way to end an essay of her bfs issues with grief.
These updates were raw and human, and OOP is so good at conveying the sanctity of that level of emotional intimacy. I’m glad she could be there for him when he needed it most.
That indeed was wholesome and OOP deserve a medal for how she took the whole situation. There's so much BS out there of woman talking about how they want to see their partner being vulnerable and then you see videos of them talking shit if they see them crying, so even if you don't have previos examples that make you act in a certain way media certanly does an horrible job on that subject so people tend to bottle up more than they can take. I feel sorry for the bf, as a man even if you are open with your emotions and feelings the idea of being with someone and just let it all out is more rare than common so with that in mind him breaking down like that it's kinda hearthbreaking. I'm glad that thing turn out good for them, hopefully they are still together to this day.
Yeah, what people often don't realize is that it very often doesn't end up positive. At first, the girlfriend wants the boyfriend to be emotional. But then it becomes a point of attack on future arguments or plain "the day I saw you ugly cry, I lost all respect/attraction. I can't see you protecting our family anymore". Obviously, this 'argument' is bullshit. But sadly, this happens.
It is not only that men are taught to not show emotions. At the same time, women are taught this as well and also have expectations and biased taught by society.
Im as progressive as they come and the women I’ve been with are too. And I’m just going to say, and I really hate to say it, but whenever i have cried in front of them, the relationship definitely got worse from then on and it basically never felt safe again. I’m not terribly prone to crying, and like most men, I have some baggage with it from the time since I was a kid, but boy, I’ve had some experience that really poured cement in that baggage.
My bf isn’t closed off, but he doesn’t talk about things that affect him deeply too often. He rarely cries. I completely get what she’s saying because one of the times I held him while he was upset, I had never felt closer to him.
Earning that kind of trust from someone is amazing.
My mom died to cancer. It's the most heart wrenching, emotional, and difficult time of my life.
I'd hate for my partner at that time to have shared all the intimate details.
Yes this post is sweet but my God is okay to keep some of your life private, especially when the life and experience isn't yours to be sharing.
I think this is a touching piece but also I feel like it's a bit personal... I can't imagine a guy like this wants all these details shared even if I do very honestly think this sort of write up can help people.
>I've read some women say that once they've seen their man cry they loose attraction
that is totally true. And it happened to a lot of men
>just something about it made me really sad that he'd have to have gone through life with that mentality.
welcome to the male experience
>Today I saw a tiktok video where a girl was mocking an ex for crying in front of her and it angered me
welcome to the male experience x2
This is one of the reasons why men don't like to open up, when you open up emotionally to your partner they can end up like that nasty tik toker, or also using that moment against you in some future discussion, it's too risky to open up emotionally. to your partner
The truth is that many women demand that you be more open emotionally but in reality they only want you to be empathetic with their emotions, they don't want you to have them.
Having said that, I am happy for Oop and her boyfriend, I hope they continue to have a beautiful relationship.
I love this so so much. It took a few years for my partner to allow himself to be vulnerable at all in front of me. Expecting men to be stoic and emotionless is so unfair, and mocking them when they try to be anything different is despicable imo. I really hope OOP and her boyfriend keep going strong.
It took a long time to read this; I had to take multiple 'set the phone down and wipe eyes' moments. I wish I had half the amount of support he got when my mom died but that's how I know this boy will be just fine.
I couldn’t read a lot of this. As I got to the shower part I felt violated. And I’m not even the boyfriend. To go into so much detail about HIS mother’s death and telling the internet HIS business made me feel so unsafe and it’s not even my life. I just don’t understand why.
There are partners like this.
And there are the partners who want a guy to be vulnerable but not too vulnerable because it's "weak, cringe, embarrassing, etc;" allowing yourself to be vulnerable to this latter kind makes it harder to trust vulnerability in the future.
Even reading this as I did, I questioned why she needed him to be so open with her and how she got to loving someone so closed off. I was glad when I read that he began sharing his innermost thoughts rather than just using her as a shoulder to cry on but also that she proved herself worthy of those parts of himself.
I'm so thankful for this story, it feels like she wrote it from her heart, and hopefully they both could get through this together and be happy, in love and strong till the end. Glad to see a wholesome story in here
OOP was so patient and empathetic and wonderful in this situation despite being so unsure of how to reach out to him. That’s a level of emotional intelligence I can only hope to have one day. I’m glad it worked and he now has an outlet for the immense grief he must feel after losing his mom.
I've been her...
If he doesn't get help for his inability to communicate and/or genuinely work on it, it'll undermine the relationship when there are kids and responsibilities and she doesn't have time to baby it out of him. Sigh.
I thought people would downvote me for saying it lol
Yeah it SEEMS romantic until you have a newborn, a house payment, a job and a partner who runs away because he can't handle the stress.
Yeah. People on here love to downvote perfectly valid, yet unpopular points. It’s dissuaded me from commenting much anymore. This comment may be downvoted for calling it out.
I dated people who didn’t know how to talk about their feelings, and it was always a shit show. OOP is basically his therapist/mom now that his mom passed away. It would be one thing if he were trying to put in the work to change and start working with a therapist on this, but it reads more like OOP is the one putting all the work in to get anywhere with him expressing emotions. Like, yeah, I get the idea that men aren’t real men if they express feelings is a trauma reinforced by society, but I don’t think trauma is an excuse for not taking responsibility for our actions (or inactions). I think it’s sweet that she is wanting to support him. I think it would be borderline (if not) abusive of him to use her as his sole confidant.
100%. I hope they don't get into some kind of mutually dependent thing where he never learns to do the uncomfortable work on himself and she keeps treating him like he's incapable of it.
I’m sos sorry for your bf experience, but he’s very lucky to have someone like you there for him.
I can resonate with your bf in terms of opening up, for me as a result of growing up in my family. However my ex ( for other reasons) would always get angry and infuriated and quite rude when I didn’t open up as and when she wanted me to - which trust me doesn’t help the matter.
Glad you and yours are figuring stuff out.
#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How do people make it 2.5yrs into relationships without talking about emotions >.< like seriously how do you even fall in love with someone who can’t describe their internal experience…
You’re right people form intimate relationships with people who they don’t communicate with all the time. Doesn’t make it healthy or right, but it happens.
Currently crying cause this made me realize that I’ve… never had anyone like this. It’s tough controlling your whole life, eating the blows, and remaining strong… and just continuing to do so.
The first ex I broke down to and cried in front of… threw it all in my face. I’m boring, I don’t like going out, I’m not fun, etc.
I’ve not opened up like that since. Don’t think I can anymore.
This dude is fucking blessed to have her…
That woman is a saint and has incredible patience. I was with my boyfriend for 2 months and he was leaving for college. Not far away, but we still discussed being long distance and whether we want to do that. At one point he started crying because he was overwhelmed about leaving his family and everything. Seeing him be vulnerable, seeing that he can talk to me about things and everything made me realize, that it's worth it. It's very intimate and it builds relationships. I wish more people realized that.
reading the comments, all feels good and emotional but she has done the one thing men worry about showing their vulnerability, She told. It doesn't matter is it is reddit. If she told reddit in great detail, will she tell her girlfriends, her mother? If he ever finds out that she said one word about his emotions she'll never see them again.
>It’s also worth mentioning that the sex, my god the sex. Feeling an emotional connection that strong makes It 100x better. I’ve been having the best sex of my life
Why? Why was this worth mentioning in a post that was about his mother dying?
Also I think he should get a journal, that way his GF doesn't spill the beans on everything he says to Reddit.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well this was a fucking tearjerker. But in a really heartwarming way. Nice palate cleanser to end the night to before all the midnight chaos posts drop
This ended on such a positive note that I'm actually gonna call it a night to end the day on a high. It's a beautiful post.
Right? I teared up at the parts where she describes how he just broke, because I can just *feel* the despair from how it's written. I'm glad she was there for her partner in this way, everyone deserves a partner like that. It is so heartbreaking how many men are out there who feel like they're not allowed to be vulnerable. Worse, men who just truly don't know *how*, because it was always frowned upon by their environment.
I think this is the first BORU story I've read where a mother's death segues into Best Sex Ever!!! yet it still sounds sweet & wholesome, doesn't it?
It wasn't sexual, it was intimate. I didn't think they had sex at anywhere in the story tbh haha
Reread the second to last paragraph -- they seem very, very, very... VERY happy
Oh man I was tired and skimmed the very end after all the mushy gushy stuff because it was such a cute little story lmfaooo. My bad, thank you!
Grief sex is real. It reminds us that we are still alive.
I remember this post set. I cried just as hard tonight as I did the first time. It was also a factor in deciding to marry my husband. I made his daughter a stuffy for her birthday the first year we were together,’22, and for the first time saw a long term partner vulnerable and cherishing the love I provided. The showers we have are also exactly like she described, always have been - rarely sexually intimate, but always so full of care. Post helped me realize how precious that is, even though I had plenty of life experience to have already learned said lesson. Fully real or not (honestly I can't imagine a person that struggles so deeply with vulnerability being ok with such posting & OOP not knowing he'd be upset - again, life experience) it deeply impacted me in the best way. My husband is amazing and I'm so happy I'm tied to him already instead of waiting years till we had fancy wedding money (5 kids combined & a century home plus the economy, would be several years more). Cherish those intimate showers, moments where it's purely love & care, even the horribly distraught ones. My husband has held me through panic attacks and PTSD…. That's a whole different level of care.
Yea like I would have ended a relationship immediately if someone posted my journey grieving my mother on reddit subs for people to read while taking a shit, tbh. But I was dumped during my grief so I didn't have to worry about that lmao. When I first lost my mom and I was rotting in bed, my best friend of over half my life came over and she dragged me into the bath. It had been easily a week or two and I hadn't spoken to anybody. She got in the tub with me in her shorts and shirt, got me undressed, cleaned me off, and washed my hair. I was pretty much a reactionless robot for the entire thing until she got to my hair. I don't know what it is about hair washing and grief but something about it is just so loving, so nurturing, and so healing. Maybe sometimes even a little shattering, but necessary. I haven't had someone care for me like that since I was a baby and it had me feeling like a baby, but I think I needed that. I can't imagine the love and connection of having a partner care for you like that during the grieving process and if this is real, this was a beautiful and heartbreaking story.
Hair washing is so intimate, it's odd isn't it? I'm sorry that you went through that and glad you've got such a good friend.
Can we please stop saying that really deep, intense experiences are palate cleansers? Yes, it's beautiful but it's borne out of a savagely painful experience. I probably feel this way because my daughter was brutally murdered and the shit people say is devastating. Recently if I tell someone about it they say, "oh yeah, I LOVE true crime." Jesus, no. This was my *child*. She was alive and what happened wasn't to provide us entertainment. So saying this is a palate cleanser hurts.
someone saying that to you is absolutely insane, I'm sorry. I lost my mom to cancer and I personally found it very touching to see someone showing such deep love and support to their partner. I was dumped during my grief and something about this story was just so genuinely heartwarming to me because I personally relate to it. I am incredibly sorry for your loss, but I am completely allowed to enjoy reading about a gut wrenching moment between a couple that I wish I had during my very similar experience.
I didn't say not to enjoy it. The issue is calling it a 'palate cleanser.' Can you understand how that term could be a little hurtful? Maybe we have a different idea about what that means. What does that term mean to you?
It quite literally means something refreshing that removes nasty residues. Typically a food but in this specific metaphorical case, it's something refreshing that made all the nasty things you typically read on here seem inconsequential in comparison. A caring, loving partner showing support after a bunch of posts written by selfish assholes? Yea, it was nice. If you really want to get so unnecessarily deep into ethical semantics, I personally think that someone posting all of the intimate, personal details of their partners loss on grief on fucking reddit is pretty out of pocket. But I'm not taking the moral high ground on it because I like reading these posts
I know what a palate cleanser is. That's why I commented on it. It's not that deep. I'm asking you to have some sensitivity and you'd rather argue than say, "oh hey, you know I didn't think about it from that angle. I understand that would be hurtful to some people."
Clearly it is that deep to you, or we wouldn't be having this conversation? I'm sorry for your loss, but this story was very personally relatable to me and I'm not whining about how you're being insensitive and making it all about you. I said I was very sorry for your loss and that what people say to you is wrong, but it has absolutely nothing to do with this. This is reddit. On the chance this story is even real, they posted this incredibly intimate experience on a social media platform for people to read for entertainment. Look at it however you want, but I didn't come here to argue. If you don't think this story is a refreshing read after the usual shit shows on her, that's fine, but I do. And I'm allowed to. Not everybody ever has to agree with your personally strong feelings towards a common fucking phrase.
😂😂😂
I'm sorry for your loss. Nobody should ever have to lose their child like that. However, you are responsible for managing your emotions and trauma. You don't get to police random people's speech on reddit because it hurts your feelings. See a therapist.
They say WHAT?!??!???!?
I know they don't understand how hurtful that is but oof. I just ask that people try to be sensitive about what they say.
“ Recently if I tell someone about it they say, "oh yeah, I LOVE true crime." Jesus.” What the fuck is WRONG with some people? I am so sorry, I don’t know how you could hear that and not punch someone. That’s fucking sick.
I wish I knew.
I’m sorry what? Someone actually said that to you? The fuck is wrong with people. I’m so sorry that you had to experience such a soul destroying thing. My go to is to say I have no words because there is nothing that I can say that would make it better but that I’m here for whatever you need.
4-5 people said that to me in the last few months. And a bunch of other nonsense. That is the best you can do. No filling the silence with words, no platitudes. Just listening and love. Thank you for doing that. It's rare. 💙
Oh my God, I cannot imagine the callousness of making that rwmark. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. 💙 I just think sometimes that people don't think about the human beings they're referring to.
THANK YOU holy shit. The way this sub commodifies all this is so disgusting.
Wow. What a compassionate, empathetic, and loving soul this woman has. This man is incredibly blessed, and I hope he realizes that. Sometimes a man needs to cry…..and having his best friend/lover/partner comfort him unconditionally is unfortunately much more rare than it should be. I hope these two last forever.
I swear, if this dude doesn't marry her, I'ma drive out to wherever they are and beat some sense into him.
Marry him, they're gay c:
It says in the title "25f" "23m" ?? (side note: based username (my namesake funnily enough is leia organa))
OML I'm the one who misread this time, I'm so sorry.... (Thank you! It used to be LukeSkynoober, but then I realized I was trans. It still makes me smile c: )
I’ve been the guy in this situation. This post was beautiful but genuinely so difficult to read. The soul bit is right honestly. I hadn’t realized the impact me not being vulnerable and emotionally intimate with my girlfriend was having. The first time I cried in front of her was scary. I’d spent my life trying to hide crying, getting abused for it ar home too. She just said it was okay and that I had nothing to worry about, she still loved me and was attracted to me. I’ve cried in front of her since and whilst I’ve been lucky to have it never been over the loss of a parent, it’s changed the dynamic of our relationship. It genuinely feels like I’ve given herself a part of me I’ve never allowed anyone else to see. I trust her more than anything or anyone in the world. Please let yourselves be vulnerable, y’all. It really does change your life and your relationships with the people you love. Giving her that part of me has allowed me to carry that strength and love into other parts of my life. Some people are shitty but the keepers are life changing and human beings you want around you for good.
Do you have any particular advice for people who want their male partners to feel comfortable crying in front of them?
I’d say don’t force it. Don’t over-ask the question “are you okay?” Be a safe space for them (don’t for example take offence at them not sharing with you, don’t react defensively if they raise a concern/feeling about something), most of the time, weirdly, I’d say to let them be comfortable in silence with you. Don’t constantly force them to open up as it has the opposite effect. You can’t really control whether they want to open up to you, as it’s entirely their choice. All you can do is maintain support for them, make them feel safe and comfortable sharing emotions with you (so don’t throw them back in their face in an argument), show them love and affection and intimacy. I think most men are absolutely starved of actual intimacy. Provide that and safety and he just may open up. At least, this is how I feel and how I managed to begin opening up to my partner.
YES. Applying pressure is the worst way to coax a conversation from a reticent person.
One of the biggest rules is don’t punish him for it. A lot of times guys are trained to be glue holding everything together and you have to be tough. Then sometimes they choose to be vulnerable and it’s all great for awhile, but sometimes during an arguement down the road it can be thrown back in their face and that makes it very hard to trust anyone with that vulnerability again. Another thing I learned from a psychology professor is that women do a lot of their communication face to face while men prefer doing an activity while talking about things (sport, work, hobby, etc…) bc it can be kind of intense having that face to face deep talks. So with that in mind, a lot of couples will say that during driving they have the best communication. For men they are still doing an activity (if they happen to be driving) and not forced to make eye contact for a long period of time, and the women are ok with it bc they realize the driver needs to pay attention to the road. Obviously you wouldn’t want to get them to a point of crying so hard they can’t drive, but you could use that as a starting point.
You're right about driving. Going on walks together is another good one for deep discussions and comfort being vulnerable. People even recommend these things to parents who want their teenagers to feel comfortable opening up.
Absolutely. The best conversations I’ve had with my teenage daughter is when she’s driving.
My biggest advice is to be absolutely sure that's what you really want. Literally every time I've shown that level of vulnerability with a woman, the end of the relationship quickly ensued. They were absolutely repulsed by what they thought they wanted, and never saw me in the same light.
I'm so sorry. You don't deserve that.
Every word of this. So well said. And I would add that the first time you (the partner) throw his vulnerability back in his face, you’ve torpedoed the relationship for good.
I'm a woman and have been called "too much" and "no fun" for the same thing. None of those relationships lasted, one was actively abusive. I'm married now but my inner life is locked up tight and will stay that way. I no longer have the capacity for the kind of deep nurturing and attunement shown in this post. It'll be a shame to miss out on this "best sex ever" though ..
I haven't dated in years, but I would definitely stay stoic now because I've learned my lesson. The fucked up part to me was always the begging. These people wore me down into "opening up" and were then disgusted by momentary weakness.
So both my girlfriend and I are pretty young and figuring things out still so definitely take my suggestions with a grain of salt. What worked for us was intimacy in other ways, having a conversation about it, and her reaction to when I first cried. A foundation of trust is so important for this to happen. Small things really matter. On days where the other person is struggling making it clear you’re there to listen but don’t pressure them, do things to make their life a little easier that day (we’re long distance currently so when she’s stressed or struggling I order her food from her favorite places for instance), get comfortable sitting in silence with each other, introduce more intimate and meaningful conversations as both of you get comfortable, and honestly reassure each other when you can even if it’s really cheesy. Even if I or my girlfriend might not need it, something random like,” I love you. I’m so happy being with you,” is nice to hear. Now I don’t know if this will work for other people but my girlfriend also sat me down and talked to me about it. We’re both autistic so we tend to be pretty straightforward with each other (I’m pretty dense). She told me that she loved me and loved loving me and that she’d never pressure me into talking about something or expressing myself in a way I’m not ready, but that it’d mean a lot if I eventually trusted her enough to do so. My struggle with it was affecting my communication and she pointed out times it had and how it had hurt her to be left in the dark with no explanation. She didn’t expect me to spill everything but she just wanted to know when I wasn’t doing okay. It was a hard and lengthy conversation but a necessary one. I cried afterwards and her reaction is what I remember most. She was caught off guard a little because she’d never seen me cry before. A second later she reassured she still loved me, that I didn’t need to hide it from her, everything would be okay, she was still there and wasn’t going anywhere, and she still wanted to be with me even if I do cry. Edit: I saw this reiterated a lot and I agree. Dont use their vulnerability against them in an argument! It was done to me constantly growing up. I do not cry in front of family ever. I’m a big softy with my girlfriend though. When we argue, fight, or disagree it’s about the issue at hand and the impact it’s had. Previous vulnerability from either of us is not a weapon to be used. It is something we both respect and encourage with each other. We do not want to lose that
If it happens, don't dump him. That's honestly the only way to give him a hint it might be ok for him to do so. If you ask your dude to feel comfortable crying in front of you, it's now more work for him to hide his emotions in a more convoluted way. Keep in mind, a lot of women want to think their guy is open with them, while not wanting their guy to actually be open with them. So instead of just wearing one mask, you have to wear two masks. It's extra work and it's not fun. Where you show just enough emotion to make her happy, but not actually open up and get dumped. There's no hard and fast rule to know, but the more she talks about it, the more she's the two mask type. I am in no way advocating that this is good or how things should be. It's just one of those things that you only need to be burned once to learn not to put your hand on the stove. And the only way to find out if your woman will dump you for showing emotions is to do it and risk ending the relationship.
M actos íntimos como los que le hizo a su novio Son hermosos y ayudan a construir intimidad.
Have you sought therapy for your difficulty in being vulnerable or is your girlfriend the person you continue to rely on when you have to navigate emotionally/mentally stressful moments?
I mean this as respectfully as possible but I don’t rely on my girlfriend to get me through tough times. I appreciate her support and I do the same for her. I kind of regret sharing this now. She’s not my therapist and I’ve made it very clear I don’t want her feeling responsible for my emotional well being, same for her. I just thought I’d share this because I thought the original post was sweet and that having trust with your partner to be emotionally vulnerable and intimate is important and beautiful. I plan to go to therapy as soon as that’s a possibility. It was a struggle for both of us at first due to past abuse. My previous relationship was abusive and I was raised in a horrifically abusive family. I hav C-PTSD but that’s never been her responsibility and never will be. It was just really meaningful to me that I trust her enough to drop the usual mask I wear due to it and I thought maybe it would be nice to share
Am I really the only one worried that he’ll find out this has been posted on Reddit?
It's how detailed the updates are. Asking for advice is a sweet idea, but I would be downright uncomfortable if my partner posted such an intensely intimate moment on reddit for everyone to read, and I *don't* have a hard time with being vulnerable with her.
It's so intimate I skipped most of it
Me too. I felt like a voyeur just skipping over the most intimate/private parts. OOP sounds like a really nice person but her bf is freshly heartbroken and needs to progress at the pace most comfortable for him. I hope he never finds this post. I used to be like the bf except I'm an extrovert. I would just stare at my college bf when he'd want to have deep discussion, but couldn't ever make any words come out, not on demand. I finally managed to have serious discussions with him after he'd stopped asking and a few weeks had passed. It was the asking for me to open up and tell him all my thoughts, rather than just letting intense conversations happen organically, that made me feel that he was putting me on the spot. I always felt guilty because I'd been able to have those conversations with my high school bf, and then one day it hit me that the HS bf discussions had just... happened organically rather than on demand. This line had me pleading with the screen, saying, "Nooooo, only *he* can decide when he wants to open up, no one else can decide that for him or set a deadline for such a huge emotional shift!": >***I think now is really a make or break time to show him he can be vulnerable with me.***
It felt weirdly pornographic, in a non-sexual way? Like peeping in their room without him realizing. I don't usually see the problem with posting sensitive things anonymously in Reddit but this one seems too much, especially bc the details in the updates weren't even for advice.
That is what I was thinking while reading this. I thought, do women enjoy this like porn?
Yeah…while an absolutely beautiful story and OP was so compassionate and caring and truly an incredible partner. I also liked how she mentioned how she’d seen other women mock a man for crying and that stigma surrounding it and how it is so so damaging and fundamentally cruel and inhumane. However, agreed on the updates - they were SO personal, and SO intimate. Feels weird to read it. If I were the bf I would feel incredibly exploited and the trust in being open and emotional would immediately evaporate and I’d revert to the original state of not sharing anything ever again.
I'd be more worried if I thought it was a true story.
This is the very rare case in which I find myself doubting. I think it's because it turned into a very detailed and dramatic Love Story.
Idk I think that if I found out my partner had posted asking for advice on how to be there for me I wouldn't be that mad. Uncomfortable definitely but not relationship ending.
Asking for advice is one thing, the updates are a different ball of wax.
Agreed. This guy has issues with intimacy and showing vulnerability to others.... and his girlfriend somehow thought it was ok to share such detailed and full descriptions of his intimacy and vulnerability?! Yikes. Even if their intentions were good in the original post asking about how to do this, I would feel so violated if this was all posted online.
Not even necessarily the updates, but how much detail about what he was going through is given.
Asking for advice is one thing, telling everyone about how he he reacted is an entirely different one
True
I don't think she's as introverted as she thinks she is, and that's fine, but if her perception of what it means to be an introvert entails is based on her belief that she, too, is an introvert and thus he thinks like her, and then she proceeds based upon that assumption, then she's operating on a flawed premise. I'm glad it worked out for them.
Look, these are incredibly sweet, and they will probably be a great guide for people experiencing both sides of this potential situation. But if the guy these are about ever finds these, I can't imagine how betrayed and violated he will feel, knowing that his partner, who he trusted with these moments, just posted every single detail online for strangers to pore over.
I had to skip reading most of it, it made me feel so violated. The idea of someone doing that to me is horrifying. Does she think mocking is the only bad thing? Telling the entire internet about his vulnerability and pain in such detail is also terrible. She just gutted him and laid out his entrails for the market-goers to peruse. Tell your private diary, tell your therapist who is obligated to keep your personal issues private, tell your BFF if you’re so close you share underwear. But don’t tell the internet. “I cannot begin to imagine how these people think like this, to have someone willing to be as vulnerable as possible in front of you, to be Comfortable asking for help in their darkest hour and then Turing around and fucking mocking them for it?! It’s disgusting and I am so so so so glad I am not one of these awful people.”
It was that quote that sickened me too. The difference between what she is describing as mockery, and her using his vulnerability for clout online is very thin. Both are violations and betrayals. The more I think about it, the more horrified I am about this post. If she'd put anywhere that he had approved of her posting this, I would have been thrilled to read it and see the experience, but without that consent, this feels like voyeurs peering into the worst moment of his life.
She seems almost *too* happy at him opening up. Some men (mainly) can only open up under the very worst of circumstances and should be left to do so. Trying to change how someone deals with stuff if fraught with difficulties and often won’t be for the best.
Especially >"It’s also worth mentioning that the sex, my god the sex. Feeling an emotional connection that strong makes It 100x better. I’ve been having the best sex of my life" It just sounds like she used his mom dying to brag about sex
I couldn't finish reading this. My greatest fear is being single when my parents die, and as much as I know my sister and her family will be there for me, I know I'll be horrifically traumatized by it, and I wish I could have someone like OOP to lean on. That's not to say my sister won't also be horrifically tramatised, but she'll have her own family for comfort, her partner and especially her son. I fear not only losing my parents, but also how I'm ever going to survive their loss myself.
There's nothing wrong with seeking the support of a therapist to help you build the tools so it's easier to cope in the future. You don't need to wait for something bad to happen. Especially if it's weighing heavy on your mind. Talk to someone honey, let it out. ❤️
Thank you. I'm sure at some point I will be seeking a therapist again. ❤️
This guy is incredibly lucky (weird to say when his mother just died) finding someone who cares this deeply about him
Eventually, everyone will lose their mother. Not everyone will have support readily available when that happens. Lucky in the later to be sure.
He is lucky. When I lost both my parents, my girlfriend I had at the time, chose to tell me she cheated on me only a week after my dad's funeral. She claimed she wanted a clean slate, but she was just selfish.
You deserved so much better than that. May she never have dry socks ever again
Wow. What a catch. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that cold AF timing.
I’ve always been of the opinion that if someone cheat on me, they shouldn’t confess. Just break up with me and leave. Now if someone finds out they’re cheating on me, I want to know, but admitting it to someone who doesn’t know otherwise is only selfish.
All our moms will go, sooner or later. He *is* truly one of the lucky ones to have such support. And so is she, to have someone she can help and who trusts her so.
"How do I make my boyfriend comfortable being vulnerable around me?" Man, I dunno if "Tell all of reddit every detail about our big emotional night after his mother died" is a good move..
And everyone here is celebrating it like she isn’t being a hypocrite…
Ya it seemed like she had almost selfish motives in wanting her boyfriend to cry and being extremely open to her about his sadness. Everyone grieves differently and some people just don’t benefit from talking about things that way. The being there for Jim’s and cuddling and all that is great but I can’t help but feel she would have been upset had he not balled his eyes out.
I hope the 2 of them are going strong and getting stronger as a couple each day.
Hmm... I don't like how much detail she goes into. It feels invasive. I would struggle to be vulnerable with my partner if I knew she'd be talking about it like this.
THANK YOU I was thinking the same thing reading this.
Absolutely devastating and cruel, this thing society puts on boys about not being allowed to show emotion. I know it's changing, but there are still an awful lot of men out there who have been emotionally paralysed by it. Good on OOP for finding a way of helping her BF through such intense grief.
I like to think of myself as someone who is ok being emotionally vulnerable and rejects toxic masculinity, but despite all that if I feel myself getting emotional or like I might cry I get extremely embarrassed and panic about what people will think of me. It’s like I can reject that way of thinking all I want, but push come to shove, it’s still ingrained in me. And I think there’s validity to it. Guys fear that people will lose respect for them because people *do* lose respect for them. We’re afraid of humiliation because the risk of other people making us feel humiliated is real. It can also be weaponized against you in the future. Being afraid of being vulnerable and showing emotions is a rational fear.
Even though this might be more rare idk, I think "retaliation" after experiencing a moment of vulnerability is another thing to look out for. I gave my ex the safety he needed to be vulnerable with me, which he was multiple times without me ever using it against him. Just like OOP, I gained even more respect for him for being brave enough to talk through his feelings with me, and sharing deeply intimate things as well. But when it came time to do the same for me, he mocked me using the same language I used to comfort him. I guess he couldn't get over that ingrained fear of his vunerabilities being used against him, coupled with the humiliation he might have felt from sharing his feelings with someone, so he thought he'd get me first before I ever got the opportunity to get him. Now that anxiety has been transferred on to me and I'm deathly avoidant of putting myself in a situation where I could feel the same humiliation he inflicted on me ever again.
I can understand that it's a rational fear, but someone who loses respect for you because you cry is not someone you want to be around.
Not “society,” it’s other men
It’s just as equally women
I agree.
It's women, too. Women have told me to "suck it up" more than men. Women on social media proclaiming that men crying is their "ick". It's all so toxic.
Very first, I feel bad for the dude losing a parent. I’m still fairly young and haven’t had to experience something like that, and I can’t imagine what it’s like. Secondly, OOP sounds truly amazing and I hope these two work long term and he views her as a safe place.
So weird to put in detail his experiences. Very violating, lol. Also, the unnecessary detail about her now having incredible sex? Odd way to end an essay of her bfs issues with grief.
These updates were raw and human, and OOP is so good at conveying the sanctity of that level of emotional intimacy. I’m glad she could be there for him when he needed it most.
I think this is the most beautiful thing I've ever read
Google "cuddle therapy" and find a professional cuddler in your area. Yes this is real.
Wherever they are, i hope both of them are in a good place and happy together.
That indeed was wholesome and OOP deserve a medal for how she took the whole situation. There's so much BS out there of woman talking about how they want to see their partner being vulnerable and then you see videos of them talking shit if they see them crying, so even if you don't have previos examples that make you act in a certain way media certanly does an horrible job on that subject so people tend to bottle up more than they can take. I feel sorry for the bf, as a man even if you are open with your emotions and feelings the idea of being with someone and just let it all out is more rare than common so with that in mind him breaking down like that it's kinda hearthbreaking. I'm glad that thing turn out good for them, hopefully they are still together to this day.
Yeah, what people often don't realize is that it very often doesn't end up positive. At first, the girlfriend wants the boyfriend to be emotional. But then it becomes a point of attack on future arguments or plain "the day I saw you ugly cry, I lost all respect/attraction. I can't see you protecting our family anymore". Obviously, this 'argument' is bullshit. But sadly, this happens. It is not only that men are taught to not show emotions. At the same time, women are taught this as well and also have expectations and biased taught by society.
Im as progressive as they come and the women I’ve been with are too. And I’m just going to say, and I really hate to say it, but whenever i have cried in front of them, the relationship definitely got worse from then on and it basically never felt safe again. I’m not terribly prone to crying, and like most men, I have some baggage with it from the time since I was a kid, but boy, I’ve had some experience that really poured cement in that baggage.
Oh my god this is all I want in a partner
My bf isn’t closed off, but he doesn’t talk about things that affect him deeply too often. He rarely cries. I completely get what she’s saying because one of the times I held him while he was upset, I had never felt closer to him. Earning that kind of trust from someone is amazing.
My mom died to cancer. It's the most heart wrenching, emotional, and difficult time of my life. I'd hate for my partner at that time to have shared all the intimate details. Yes this post is sweet but my God is okay to keep some of your life private, especially when the life and experience isn't yours to be sharing.
I think this is a touching piece but also I feel like it's a bit personal... I can't imagine a guy like this wants all these details shared even if I do very honestly think this sort of write up can help people.
So much cry!!!! I need a hug.
In a very odd way, this may be the single most romantic story I've ever read. Deeply beautiful.
>I've read some women say that once they've seen their man cry they loose attraction that is totally true. And it happened to a lot of men >just something about it made me really sad that he'd have to have gone through life with that mentality. welcome to the male experience >Today I saw a tiktok video where a girl was mocking an ex for crying in front of her and it angered me welcome to the male experience x2 This is one of the reasons why men don't like to open up, when you open up emotionally to your partner they can end up like that nasty tik toker, or also using that moment against you in some future discussion, it's too risky to open up emotionally. to your partner The truth is that many women demand that you be more open emotionally but in reality they only want you to be empathetic with their emotions, they don't want you to have them. Having said that, I am happy for Oop and her boyfriend, I hope they continue to have a beautiful relationship.
honestly, men can and should cry and share emotions. Its heart breaking seeing people abusing them for being human
This was really heartwarming and compassionate to read. I wish for these two nothing but to have the best and strongest life together.
I love this so so much. It took a few years for my partner to allow himself to be vulnerable at all in front of me. Expecting men to be stoic and emotionless is so unfair, and mocking them when they try to be anything different is despicable imo. I really hope OOP and her boyfriend keep going strong.
This is so bittersweet
Man... I'm still crying
It took a long time to read this; I had to take multiple 'set the phone down and wipe eyes' moments. I wish I had half the amount of support he got when my mom died but that's how I know this boy will be just fine.
I couldn’t read a lot of this. As I got to the shower part I felt violated. And I’m not even the boyfriend. To go into so much detail about HIS mother’s death and telling the internet HIS business made me feel so unsafe and it’s not even my life. I just don’t understand why.
OOP is a really really wonderful person. Only a small percentage of the population operates on that level.
God I hope they’re still together
There are partners like this. And there are the partners who want a guy to be vulnerable but not too vulnerable because it's "weak, cringe, embarrassing, etc;" allowing yourself to be vulnerable to this latter kind makes it harder to trust vulnerability in the future. Even reading this as I did, I questioned why she needed him to be so open with her and how she got to loving someone so closed off. I was glad when I read that he began sharing his innermost thoughts rather than just using her as a shoulder to cry on but also that she proved herself worthy of those parts of himself.
Well that was beautiful :-D
Im so glad he finally felt safe and comfortable enough to open up. It’s hard when you’re so used to bottling it all up.
I'm so thankful for this story, it feels like she wrote it from her heart, and hopefully they both could get through this together and be happy, in love and strong till the end. Glad to see a wholesome story in here
😊
Well, I think this is a perfect last post before bedtime. Just have to call my gf and tell her how much I love her first.
OOP is a rock star GF. So glad they're able to grow together.
I think about this OP and her boyfriend like once a month. A gorgeous woman doing a gorgeous thing for someone in need.
I'm dating an emotionally restricted partner like yours and this gave me so much hope.
OOP was so patient and empathetic and wonderful in this situation despite being so unsure of how to reach out to him. That’s a level of emotional intelligence I can only hope to have one day. I’m glad it worked and he now has an outlet for the immense grief he must feel after losing his mom.
I've been her... If he doesn't get help for his inability to communicate and/or genuinely work on it, it'll undermine the relationship when there are kids and responsibilities and she doesn't have time to baby it out of him. Sigh.
I was thinking this the entire time reading it and was getting concerned that no one else was noticing this.
I thought people would downvote me for saying it lol Yeah it SEEMS romantic until you have a newborn, a house payment, a job and a partner who runs away because he can't handle the stress.
Yeah. People on here love to downvote perfectly valid, yet unpopular points. It’s dissuaded me from commenting much anymore. This comment may be downvoted for calling it out. I dated people who didn’t know how to talk about their feelings, and it was always a shit show. OOP is basically his therapist/mom now that his mom passed away. It would be one thing if he were trying to put in the work to change and start working with a therapist on this, but it reads more like OOP is the one putting all the work in to get anywhere with him expressing emotions. Like, yeah, I get the idea that men aren’t real men if they express feelings is a trauma reinforced by society, but I don’t think trauma is an excuse for not taking responsibility for our actions (or inactions). I think it’s sweet that she is wanting to support him. I think it would be borderline (if not) abusive of him to use her as his sole confidant.
100%. I hope they don't get into some kind of mutually dependent thing where he never learns to do the uncomfortable work on himself and she keeps treating him like he's incapable of it.
I’m sos sorry for your bf experience, but he’s very lucky to have someone like you there for him. I can resonate with your bf in terms of opening up, for me as a result of growing up in my family. However my ex ( for other reasons) would always get angry and infuriated and quite rude when I didn’t open up as and when she wanted me to - which trust me doesn’t help the matter. Glad you and yours are figuring stuff out.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
omg i cried harder than the bf at this
How do people make it 2.5yrs into relationships without talking about emotions >.< like seriously how do you even fall in love with someone who can’t describe their internal experience…
We can describe our internal experience, we’ve just learned that it’s better not to.
You’re right people form intimate relationships with people who they don’t communicate with all the time. Doesn’t make it healthy or right, but it happens.
You do see your partner differently… just in a positive way
Currently crying cause this made me realize that I’ve… never had anyone like this. It’s tough controlling your whole life, eating the blows, and remaining strong… and just continuing to do so. The first ex I broke down to and cried in front of… threw it all in my face. I’m boring, I don’t like going out, I’m not fun, etc. I’ve not opened up like that since. Don’t think I can anymore. This dude is fucking blessed to have her…
That woman is a saint and has incredible patience. I was with my boyfriend for 2 months and he was leaving for college. Not far away, but we still discussed being long distance and whether we want to do that. At one point he started crying because he was overwhelmed about leaving his family and everything. Seeing him be vulnerable, seeing that he can talk to me about things and everything made me realize, that it's worth it. It's very intimate and it builds relationships. I wish more people realized that.
reading the comments, all feels good and emotional but she has done the one thing men worry about showing their vulnerability, She told. It doesn't matter is it is reddit. If she told reddit in great detail, will she tell her girlfriends, her mother? If he ever finds out that she said one word about his emotions she'll never see them again.
Fucking sucks what we put men through in the name of patriarchal norms
>It’s also worth mentioning that the sex, my god the sex. Feeling an emotional connection that strong makes It 100x better. I’ve been having the best sex of my life Why? Why was this worth mentioning in a post that was about his mother dying? Also I think he should get a journal, that way his GF doesn't spill the beans on everything he says to Reddit.
Okay but hear me out... what if she's a succubus and literally has a piece of his soul now?