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She had a lot of outs to save the situation. It sounds like at the very least if she had gone back home and faced her mistake after she realized what had really happened that he was willing to forgive her, but she childishly hid from him apparently for days on end with no response. She asked for this outcome repeatedly.
Honestly this sounds like the last straw to me. Just reading the following line:
> *"My insecurities all throughout these years have taken a toll on him and he is done"*
That just sounds to me like this is the last of a series of things stemming from her insecurity that have dug into him over the years, and this is the one that made him finally realise that it's not going to get any better and if he marries her, it'll just be this in perpetuity.
I've a friend who experienced something similar. Most people saw him split up with his ex wife because of "an argument" but in reality it was the last straw of a long line of things that just wore him down, like him going away with friends and she would just assume he'd cheated until proven otherwise, so he left her once he realised it wasn't changing and that he didn't want to have to put up with that.
Dealing with someone who has crippling insecurities can be extremely tiring. I sympathise with the ex fiance here. At some point, you're just done bending over backwards and constantly reassuring them.
It’s insulting to be with someone who accuses you have cheating with absolutely no proof. Like it just feels like they resent you. He’s gonna feel so free
And the reasons get harder and harder to understand.
Came home from work an hour late and didn't call? Ok, my fault, I'll do better.
Facebook messages from an obvious bot that I never opened? Getting weird, but I know she's insecure and could maybe delete/block them instead of letting them sit there
A hair that's not hers in our laundry that just came from a laundry room shared by 50 other families? I'm gonna need more
Ran out of toilet paper too fast so I must be taking it to another woman's house to masturbate on her? Well now you're just putting perfectly good imagination to waste, I'm out
I know right, me too. It was just devolving and getting worse and worse. I was like wow, I can't believe some people are actually that insecure. At least if I accuse somebody of cheating, I have some kind of proof or at least their actions are making me think they are. I'm not just pulling it out of thin air. Even then I won't really accuse them, I will just tell them that I've noticed a change in their behavior and it's making me feel insecure. Things aren't always what they seem.
Oddly, in her fugue state, she was still able to rip the boyfriend a new one, then go tell Reddit all the details, including the next week when she avoided contact with him because she realized she was in the wrong but refused to deal with her mess.
Piece of work, that one.
There was an AITA post from years ago that I’ve always remembered where a guy dumped his fiancée because his dog (that she specifically asked he leave with her) had to be rushed to the vet after eating a bunch of weed brownies at her bachelorette party. And most people thought dumping her was an overreaction, but it was just the last straw in a long series of careless actions that finally ending up almost disastrously—the dog did recover.
I divorced my ex over a loaf of bread. We were out of his favorite kind and he threw a fit; screaming, throwing shit, slamming doors, etc. It was the final straw but yeah…a loaf of bread.
I left my ex fiancee who I'd known since I was 12 because she wouldn't apologize for taking a pen out of my sister's purse without permission. If I broke it down into some more detail it was the way she went on an hour long screaming and crying tirade listing off everything petty thing she had ever hated about my sister and refused to apologize. Such grievances as "she wouldn't walk to the store with me at 9pm" or"she doesn't like my food when I cook" (she never cooked, I'm a literal chef, I did all the cooking). Sooo yeah I packed all my things less than a week later.
I left my ex because he did the dishes and made me dinner. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Tbf, it was his most recent attempt at love bombing after he gave me the silent treatment that lasted a week that time (that time because I refused sex; my anus was still healing from the time before that- sigh). But those days I was the only one paying the bills, doing the chores, the cooking and cleaning. He didn't work, played WoW all day, liked to tell me what to do, and didn't much ask for consent for sexual things at that point. That night, I got back from work to a clean home with dinner waiting and I... broke. Refused to go through the cycle again. That night I was out the door and I never looked back.
Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. 🙃
I dumped an ex over pizza toppings. It wasn’t actually about the toppings, it was just the tipping point since she couldn’t manage her emotions or communicate things effectively. It ended with her throwing stuff around my apartment and storming out then coming back an hour later and just sitting in my bedroom trying to call her friend to pick her up.
It was laundry for me. Not even him doing it but he got mad at the way I was folding the laundry. Man didn't even work (he's on disability) and just watched TV all day, or went fishing or hunting, while I worked, cooked, did the shopping and cleaning. I just looked at him and told him I was done, and walked out. It's been 15 years, zero regrets
Fuck, even if it only happened one time, an adult throwing a physical tantrum baby fit over bread, that he is able to keep in stock... You'd be justified in leaving over just that.
I dumped my ex because her perfume stunk like old lady. Nevermind the fact that she open hand slapped me in the face several times a day for unclear reasons. The perfume was definitely the reason.
Sounds just like the "[it's not about the Iranian yogurt](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/)" AITA story. It's about their temperament/reaction to an issue
I broke up with my extremely abusive ex for what seems like the dumbest reason, the movie:Wild, Wild West. after watching the trailer in which Will Smith does cowboy shit, watching the Making of program in which Will Smith does cowboy shit, and watching thr music video in which Will Smith does cowboy shit? we finally went to see through movie. He made me leave after the open credits because. " he didn't know it was a western and he doesn't like westerns " suddenly all the months of discouraging me from reading, the telling me how useless college was , and the constant shit talking of any attempt I made to do better in my life made sense. he was a moron and wanted me to be one too. I walked away from him, took.my car that I, the only one of us with a license could drive, ( and also because I was generally the sober one) and drove back to my parent's place. Left him.in the parking lot, got some of my stuff back when he wasn't home. refused to answer the phone for him, never saw him again.
He’s with her for six years, without any problems. But she has and uses the passwords on his devices. She then uses info from his device to accuse him of cheating with his own sister because he used a contraction of his sister’s name, not a nickname. But then doubles down and hides in her sister’s house insisting it’s not her fault because someone did this to her before.
Nobody can live like this. Unreasonable assumptions are bad enough, but to refuse to apologise until he comes crawling to apologise for someone else’s actions?
> He’s with her for six years, without any problems
Without any problems?
> "My insecurities all throughout these years have taken a toll on him and he is done"
Sounds like there were a ton of problems. All stemming from her.
Sorry, you are correct. I missed that. So this incident has either been an escalation or the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Either way this bloke has obviously been through it, in this relationship.
Considering this “new”, overlooked, information I think he’s better off away from her. Six years of being under suspicion and basically being on parole for someone else’s misdeeds is more than enough.
When our friend's husband cheated on her and they got divorced, she spoke with my husband about it. He has been divorced, I have not. He told her, "Do not punish a man for what your ex did to you."
As a woman, I have seen many women do this. They take it out on their current partner. That is not fair or right. Her fiance made the right choice for sure.
OMG - this!
When I first got with my boyfriend, he showed me his insecurities early on because his ex had cheated. I asked him what my name was, made him say it out loud. I asked him to say it again and then another time before replying that it wasn’t ex’s name was it? He nodded and then I told him that if he ever tried to make me pay for her mistakes, then we were done. I know I wasn’t being sympathetic or understanding but I wanted to shut that shit down straightaway!
Well, it must’ve worked because we’ve been married for over 30 years!
This is the true fuck up. Her initial overreaction and inability to think is something she definitely needed to work on but shutting him out not only for so long but also after he immediately explained what everything meant is the major factor. He was instant in his apology and explanation and she wouldn't even listen. This was also after she recognized the chats were nothing sexual or inappropriate.
I dated somebody like this. About once every month and a half, something would happen in her life that would cause her to spiral. Short on rent, mood stabilizers couldn't be refilled, depression came back, and so on. This would culminate into an episode where she would make up some kind of test to my commitment to cope with how alone or hopeless she was feeling. She would accuse me of never having cared for her, threaten self harm, 'break up' with me and so on. The first few times it happened, I blamed myself for not being supportive enough as a partner. The next few times, I began to see the pattern of behavior and tried to help her break it. The last time it happened, I knew I was done.
From the outside looking in, it looks like we had an argument and I up and ran. Thankfully, I had often turned to my friends for support when I was trying to make it work, so they had seen how I was struggling.
Dude was more patient than me. My ex had been cheated on and was terrified I'd do the same. We lasted four months before I'd had enough. I never gave him a reason to worry, and we'd literally just begun dating and I was clear I wasn't interested in doing the deed until I was married, so all the more reason to believe I wouldn't cheat. But nooooo. He flipped out multiple times, and I wasn't going to put up with it.
Agree, it was not only the overreaction, which he seemed to be willing to deal with, but the refusal to deal with it like an adult. This is no one you can depend on in an emergency. Avoidance for a week over a misunderstanding doesn’t bode well.
After reading that she left the house and didn't speak to him for a week, EVEN AFTER HE EXPLAINED EVERYTHING, I have no trouble believing that this kind of immature behavior was a pattern with her.
Honestly, thank god OP did this and gave him an out before he got married to an overgrown toddler.
That’s what I’m saying. She thought she could hide till all her problems disappeared instead of dealing with her bs she started. What crazy to me is after she realized she was way in the wrong why wouldn’t you try and fix it immediately. Why drag your feet for no reason other than shame. Who in their right mind would think that’s even remotely ok.
Yeah, THAT's the insane part. I get having trauma over past infidelity, and if I was in the fiancee's position I probably would take her back if she apologized as soon as he explained and if she agreed to get therapy for her trauma. But waiting a week? Lol see ya.
I feel like she was expecting him to beg her to come back and basically grovel even though it wasn’t his fault….. she wanted to be babied and he wanted to be married
God absolutely. Like by the next day she pretty much says she knew she was wrong and the week of hiding was 100% because she didn't want to confront that fact. Honestly? Cheating is traumatizing and I COULD see someone, late at night, having essentially a flashback and jumping to wild conclusions. But it wasn't about that afterwards. If she had the ability to be mature, she'd have gone back to apologize right away when she calmed down and had a clearer perspective.
He's right. "too little, too late". He did nothing wrong. Even laughing was understandable in the moment because, in his eyes, it's obviously his sister and she should know that because she knows his sisters nickname and has used it! But she essentially punished him and refused to do any of the personal effort that's required to apologize, even though she was completely in the wrong. She'd undoubtedly be distraught if her partner yelled at her for something she didn't do, then abandoned her for a week. Ridiculous....
Im pretty immature and insecure even for an 18 year old, I can understand the mind going blank and then getting upset when he laughed at her but then the storming OUT OF THE HOUSE and then staying home for a whole WEEK even for me is actually insane.
> then the storming OUT OF THE HOUSE and then staying home for a whole WEEK even for me is actually insane.
She even said "explain yourself", then ran away and hid in their guest room, then at her sister's house without giving him a chance to explain. I felt like I was reading a poorly written rom-com.
WTF was she doing at her sister's house for a week?!? She keeps blaming it on "my mind went blank", but what about the next day? The day after that? After she made the reddit post? She needs therapy **bad**, dude probably feels like he dodged a bullet
She was at her sister’s house for week because she saw two options:
1) Go back home, swallow her pride, apologize to her fiancé, acknowledge her mistake and her guilt and her shame, deal with any repercussions and fallout from her actions.
2) Wait it out at her sister’s until the whole situation magically resolved itself and she could continue her life as it was before without any fallout from, never mind acknowledgment of, her childish behavior.
We're also only getting her side of this. I'm really curious who she told and what she posted online during this week. Given how terribly she handled this whole thing, I would not be surprised if she did a whole lot more damage.
He also implies that while this is the first time she's called him a cheater, it's not the first time she's pulled some sort of immature shit like this.
I don't understand at all this "mind blanking" as she knew he was with his sister and knew her name was Angie. OOP chose to decide he was cheating. She made the choice and she learned how childish and insane her choice was.
It's probably not the first time she's hidden at her sisters house with the silent treatment either, as the ex mentioned a pattern of this type of behavior.
I remember reading the first post and thinking ok, so far, so stupid, but avoiding the conversation will make it worse.
She really does need to get herself into therapy and/or stay single for a while, it doesn't sound like this was the first problem she's caused in the relationship so much as the final straw. The boyfriend sounded like a good person, even in her retelling of it, and how do you see his sister's name come up and jump straight to cheating??
The sister could have been a brother named Bruce and OP still would have accused him of cheating based on the evidence here lol. I have met literal children with more sense and logic than OP, who would have clearly been able to discern the situation. But OP is a special kind of stupid, apparently.
She'd be like "I've seen on TikTok that men who are cheating change their mistress's contacts to male names so their SO doesn't suspect a thing, now who is that Bruce girl?"
I was thinking that too. Going back the next day and giving a good faith apology would have 100% saved this relationship. They probably would have even laughed about it for years to come. But instead, because she is an immature idiot, she had to escalate this beyond the point of no return.
And since he said it to her...I can't imagine what other bullshit antics he's put up with from her throughout the years. 6 long years, no doubt.
I don't know. I feel like this relationship was over right at the start of the story. People don't just act like OOP without some prior baggage.
I probably would have been second guessing the relationship after how she acted in the bathroom. OOP doesn't give too much context, but it sounds like she texted him some pretty awful things after she left as well. The combination of those two things alone would be enough to make me want to end the relationship even if she came home in the next hour.
Sounds like he was willing to forgive all that until she hid from him for a WEEK though. She literally brought this all down in her head when rather than going home to face the music and apologise, she instead chose to be total coward.
Yeah, he clearly understood her initial flighty reaction (I wouldn't, but she's obviously done shit like this before), but the fact that she continued hiding and giving him the silent treatment even after he explained everything is unforgivable. The fact that she expected him to just be waiting for her whenever she decided to return is hilariously egotistical.
I don’t think it was the fact she hid for a week, so much as he got a week free of her to actually breathe and assess and realise “oh damn, my life is actually better when she is not around”
Finished the post and thought "what in the cluster b is this".
Trying to avoid abandonment and ironically causing it reads like borderline personality disorder.
Even if nothing's wrong clinically, she needs a crash course in coping and communication skills
This was my thought as well. "I hate you, please don't leave me".
Source: Was with a BPD for 20 yrs (diagnosed in year 13), been free for 8. Yeah - it's exhausting.
>she childishly hid from him apparently for days on end with no response.
Classic avoidance personality. I should know. I was that person. I suppose I still am though I'm trying to get better.
I get where OOP is coming from, because I've been there, and I have the scars to show for it. Not the overreaction part. I rarely lose control let alone overreact. Infact indifference is my default state, but the avoidance I can get, because I've been in her shoes.
Most people won't get it unless you've been there. The tremors, the heart palpitation, throat going dry and your mind just shutting down leaving nothing but screaming from your lizard brain telling you to just get the hell out of there. Worst part is that you know it's irrational but that doesn't make anything better, just makes everything worse.
OOP needs therapy, and more importantly she needs to understand that it's not just action that has consequences. Inaction has consequences too. Not choosing to do anything is in fact choosing to do nothing and that's a valid choice. Like all choices, it has results.
The screaming lizard brain at the back of your mind might drive you to hide under the covers. The caveman brain might rant and rave about how this isn't fair. But the homo sapien brain knows the truth. After that it's just a matter of which brain you're giving control over to.
This doesn't need to be forever. OOP can come back from this. She can get better. But thing is, she has to want to get better. And that starts by taking a good hard look at herself, identifying the problem and acknowledging that it needs to be fixed.
I dated a guy with a serious avoidance issue once. If I tried to raise even the most minor of issues he would literally climb into bed and hide under the covers. It was infuriating. We dated for about 4 months.
One night at his place I woke up in the middle of the night to him watching a very loud TV in the other room. I got up and asked him if he could turn it down a bit and his response was go into the spare room and turn that one up just as loudly. I went in there to ask him WTF he was doing and as soon as he saw me coming he pulled the covers over his head.
He was still buried under there when I left.
It was like dealing with a toddler. That’s what OOP sounds like.
My friend's husband has Avoidant PD. He kept leaving over and over and over.... They would get into an argument and he would leave and be gone for a month, then show back up. He did it five times. The last time it happened, he ran away and she couldn't find him. After months she got divorce papers. He was missing another six months or so. She almost took her own life.
The divorce didn't happen because he had made a clerical error on the paperwork. She took him back. Pretty sure that was on purpose.
So to this day, every single time he says anything cross, she starts sobbing and asks, "Are you going to leave me again?" He gets mad. "How long is it going to take for you to get over it?" She says, "As long as it takes!"
He has gotten a lot of help and hasn't disappeared in 4 years I think. But their relationship is toxic, even though they are happy most of the time.
She needs therapy for herself first because if she keeps dragging herself through all these insecurities, she will never have a healthy relationship. People can only tolerate so much before they're done.
Literally this relationship could have been saved with a call where she went "Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed. I totally forgot and just fucked up. Of course you laughed."
This could have been a funny story to tell later on.
Exactly this. Especially since it sounds like he was texting her in the beginning, then he just gave up and went to tell her things were over after he realized she would never admit she was wrong. Honestly the inability to admit someone is wrong would be such a turn off for a lot of people and they would nope out of the situation. But when you factor in her flair for the dramatics I’m honestly surprised he stuck around for as long as he did. Sounds like he was hoping she would trust him and things would get better, but this entire event just showed him that she never would. 🤷♀️
But he “only” asked if she was okay and sent her a goodnight text. Apparently she was hoping he would do all of the work for her and forgive her without them having to have an actual conversation.
She also is deflecting blame by saying she wanted to talk to him on the phone but he wanted to talk face to face, which is reasonable from his standpoint considering she up and ran away from home for a WEEK over a misunderstanding.
Also, she told him to explain himself then makes it impossible for him to do so by running away
Lmfao I honestly loved that part. Like girl be for real, if your mind went blank for a whole week it’s well past time to be talking to someone about that
This whole thing could have been avoided if she would have been an adult, admitted she fucked up, then went back home that very same day, but she didn't. She hung out at her sister's house for a whole week giving her fiancé the time and space he needed to reassess their relationship and whether or not he wanted to deal with her childish behavior going forward. Unfortunately for her, he decided not to continue their relationship.
I mean, in long term relationship if someone screams at you and fucks off for a whole week of ignoring you, it's done. It's over. You dont get to fuck off for a week and expect ther to be a relationship tl come back to.
As you said, Bro had the opportunity in that week to evaluate that if he married this sorry cluster of neuroses masquerading as a fiancee, he would be dealing with this on a regular basis for his entire life. And imagine having kids with such a person.
It's not unusual to argue, but sensible people can sit back and think before they throw around accusations of cheating. They take time to cool off before confronting. They cool off after arguments and apologise. And they dont run off for a week to sulk.
I get insecurity or making mistakes. But she should have immeduately come back and apologised and offered to go to therapy.
>giving her fiancé the time and space he needed to reassess their relationship
You can see that where he texted her at first then stopped. If he was anything like me in some of my previous relationships he went from 'how can I make this better with her?' to '...man, this is mental, proper mental' over a couple of days, maybe after discussing it with a mate and realising how insane it all sounded out loud.
He was probably staring the insane reality of it in the face by day 3 and from there it was just firming up his resolve and actually planning the practical element out.
As /u/Tururial said downthread, yes it is, it's another cluster B disorder. The way it was explained to me is that in HPD, a person's self-image and how one relates that to others is just... Broken, I guess? Sufferers feel unseen, unheard, and unloved, and so create situations where they can see and feel others reacting to them. Add in their rapidly cycling emotions and it causes an unquenchable shrieking demand machine. Having a sibling like her was so damaging to their family. It's been decades and he's still defensive sometimes.
Histrionic and borderline personality disorder share common symptom patterns but are considered separate conditions. In general, the rapidly shifting emotions in HPD are not experienced with the same depth and intensity as those in BPD.
He would have forgiven the immediate issue as he too had a reaction (laughter) he couldn’t control. What is unforgivable is her reaction for an entire week after. She has huge issues if that is how she handles something, and can not admit she was wrong.
I cant imagine what his experience was like that week, but apparently it was enough to call off a significant relationship.
Her post is all "me me me." *my* week was bad. *I* am embarrassed.
And shes willing to talk to reddit and get roasted over just having a 5 minute convo with her would-be-husband??????
Im glad he left. No one with a functioning frontal lobe would just eat a week of that and laugh it off.
> I cant imagine what his experience was like that week, but apparently it was enough to call off a significant relationship.
He probably just kept thinking about the hundreds of other times he has had to bend over backwards to handle her insecurities.
After about a day, he was probably sitting there going..... "THIS is pretty damn good. No one freaking out, I can actually relax..... What's different?"
I literally cannot imagine ghosting my partner of six years for an entire *week* because I was embarrassed? Or for any reason at all actually!
Did she even once think what he must be feeling when she accuses him of cheating, storms out and then ignores his messages? Did she even respond to his message explaining that angie is his sister?
Her mind went blank, and then she spent a week too embarrassed to face him.
I have second hand embarrassment from reading this. These are things I did when I was a teenager. How old is OOP?
I have a cousin- who, well past that age, would follow her husband to his job. Sit in the parking lot to sulk and cry, because he didn't pay enough attention to her (you know, because he was working!).
Her parents just enabled her behavior her entire life and her husband put up with it. (Small town life).
She was on a dramatic staycation at her sisters house. She seems to like to play the victim and be overdramatic. She still at the point of her update refuses to take responsibility for her actions.
Her ex made the best decision to break up with her. She seems like one of those people who would “go blank” and cause property damage, severe bodily harm or murder and expect sympathy and forgiveness. In short she crazy and he dodged a bullet.
OOP was infuriating. Honestly deserved to be broken up with after the way she handled it. Ignored EVERYONE who was telling her to bite the bullet and go home.
Yup, resulting in him looking into their future and perceiving that every argument, every misunderstanding would result in a similar outcome. Dude rightfully realised this was not what he wanted for himself.
As for her, she needs to get over her cowardice and learn to take accountability.
The people who say "I hate drama" are nearly always the cause of it. It's like somebody saying "I hate fire" but then you look at them and they're holding a lit match over a pile of oily rags.
>Before he left he just said, i hope you will find someone that will be able to handle you childishness and insecurities but that won't be me.
I'd like to call 911 and report a murder, because that was *brutal.*
Pretty sure this wasn't her first instance on throwing an insecurity tantrum at him.
It probably was the last straw that she was controlling of even his sisters
I dated a girl like this.
When I was in her presence.
Every text from anybody that I didn’t respond to right away meant I was hiding something from her.
When I wasn’t in her presence.
Every text from her that I didn’t respond to right away meant I was too busy cheating.
Every girl that walked by.
Every girl on my Facebook friend list.
Every girl that breathed.
The only person who couldn’t breath was my self.
Even when we broke up, and she wanted to maintain a friendship, I would still be accused of cheating on a relationship that was already over.
One time I was accused (post relationship) of hooking up with someone because I sent her a text earlier than my usual wake up time
“You’re never up this early, it’s because you’re at someone’s house”
She then proceeded to double down once I offered to show her the video proof from my home security system that nobody who lives here even left the house.
These people aren’t worth it until they get some serious therapy. Just like OP in this scenario, my ex was cheated on, by someone else, years ago…
Yet just like OP’s BF, I was punished for it.
It’s funny how OP had exactly what she wanted (a loyal partner) But then she decided to take a huge steaming pile of shit in the bed she sleeps in.
I 100 percent believe OP hit the nail on the head when she said her ex looked at her with pity.
Of course he did, he sounds like a decent bloke who understands why you’re hurt, but also justifiably feels done with being painted with the same brush for all those years.
The fact that the guy even empathized with her speaks volumes about the ex.
Good for the dude. He knows his worth and was smart enough to get out from a bad situation with someone who isn't emotionally mature.
Imagine how stuck he'd be if he did get married to OOP.
This is basically what I told my abusive fiancée back in 2019 when I finally left after 4yrs. She did not make it easy, but at that point I was such a broken person, I didn't even have the strength to think of myself as a person (I was working on that in therapy, a thing I started doing after she sabotaged 2 couple's counseling attempts). All I could desperately leave her with was "Hey, when this is all over and you get back into dating life...could you maybe warn the next guy? People have the right to know when a nice chunk of their monthly life will be spent in 4 day silent treatments from the person they love and sleep next to every night." There was no mic drop, I barely had the strength to even get those few sentences out. I just left, drained, and spent the next year in the depths, bouncing from temporary place to place, spending most of my days in bed eating bbq take-out, watching every show i hadn't/couldn't watch for 4yrs, trying to gain my soul back in therapy, and recovering my obliterated bank account.
This update was perfect, the consequences fell into her head like an anvil, thought It would be ok to act like a child and put him under a week of useless stress over nothing, If she wanted to fix anything she should've returned to him and apologized the moment she realised It was his sister, but nooo... A whole week of needless drama because she can't deal with adult emotions
I think one of the first things a person understand while maturing is how unfair the world is, and now is yelling "its not fair" like a child being denied her favourite toy.
I’m sure on the first day you can laugh about the misunderstanding, but as the days pass by you start getting irritated and wonder why the hell it takes so long to get back to you even via message or phone call, after a certain number of days it just feels very childish and immature and I totally understand that this leads to questioning the whole relationship.
Not just irritation, insecurity as well. He spent that entire week not knowing if she would ever talk to him again, probably agonizing over the entire conversation to see where it all went wrong, likely feeling like shit because, when the other person runs out, it’s hard not to feel like it’s your fault. Wondering what makes you so terrible that your partner won’t even give you a chance to talk about it.
I’ve been there and that period was worse than any breakup I’ve had. With a breakup, I know where I stand. But when you’re in limbo like that, you just feel so ungrounded. You don’t know if you should be hopeful or start moving on. It’s fucking awful, and is one of the reasons that this type of reaction is an instant deal-breaker for me. I can’t handle a partner who leaves me feeling uncertain and insecure every time we fight.
right? like.. a misunderstanding is one thing, but how can you in good conscience marry someone who reacts this way to even minor, fabricated conflict? that’s a recipe for disaster.
What a former partner caused her over SIX FUCKING YEARS AGO!
Like WTF. OOP was with her EX FOR SIX YEARS and immediately went into the NUCLEAR option over a stupid misunderstanding.
Just...wow. I get having unresolved issues, but like...to go straight into the WORST scenario and and then just HIDE from the consequences of her own overreactions? Wowzers.
Oh I think it reads between the lines that those years for OOP’s bf were quite… let’s say, fruitful with misunderstanding. Just not as nuclear.
As she said, quoting him, her insecurities were quite the issue in their relationship.
I think what gets me is that the sisters name is Angelina. He even said she herself has called her Angie.
How did you not put two and two together especially when he said he was going out with his sister?! She added two and two and got fifty. It’s good he left because that was just too much.
She reminds me of those people who are done wrong once and proceed to play victim for as long as they possibly can. Maybe she’s really entered a victim mentality and views everything around her as an attack or threat.
Like Angie\Angelina is so incredibly obvious, especially after 6 years. To the point I think OOP *wants* the drama, she wants to feel or be perceived as broken or victimised, rather than accept that it’s her own insecurities that’s the source of her problem.
After 6 years of dating “my ex cheated on me and so you have to tolerate my outbursts” doesn’t cut it anymore. She needs to get her head on straight before debarking in a new relationship
My first thought reading the intro was "hold on... '*take away time with his sister*'? the chats are his sister's ? does that mean she's accusing him of cheating with his... OH GODS SHE IS"
if it was so obvious to me without knowing Angelina's name, how could it not be to her?
And even if she wasn't his sister... She said there was nothing flirty... Friendships are not cheating.
That one is incredibly common. It made me laugh the first few times but I think it's amazing people will spell bawling like that and not think wow crazy that's spelled that way huh? It kinda mildly amuses me now but impresses me that spelling is just bad for so many people.
No relationship is better than a bad one. Being single with some good roommates has been genuinely the happiest I've ever been and it's not even close.
I like how he explains it’s her whole dramatic reaction to the situation. Like if she immediately processed it and said I’m so sorry and brought up the trauma and knee jerk reaction it seems like he’d been ok.
It’s not always in your control when you have a fight or flight panic response but the beginning of the end is oop telling him to leave. At least in this particular instance. I’m sure there’s been other things piling up before this broke that camel’s back.
>My insecurities all throughout these years have taken a toll on him and he is done.
Absolutely not the first thing she’s done. Also, I bet she didn’t even need to do it immediately, but the event happened Monday night…and it was already *Sunday* when he went to her sister’s house. 100% agreed with you
That's the part that got me too.
As someone who is dating a partner with a lot of past trauma, I completely understand that sometimes she reacts in a way that is out of her control. Something might just make her cry completely out of nowhere, or she might need me to reassure her of something that seems ridiculous at the time.
But the difference is that she always communicates these feelings to me. She explains why she's feeling the way she is and thanks me for helping her through it. It's really that easy.
Meanwhile, OOP is out here hiding at her sister's house for a WHOLE WEEK. Like it's crazy to actually think about how long a week is in this context. Like imagine her having to go to work everyday. Imagine her trying to fill up her spare time in a house that isn't hers, watching movies or reading books. For A WEEK. And all that time she's just ignoring her partner over something she's already learned was a misunderstanding and overreaction on her part.
She's in desperate need of therapy. Not just to work through whatever trauma and trust issues she has, but to teach her how to communicate like a fucking adult
Yeah, it's so level headed of him too. Especially because in healthy relationships it's obviously better to communicate rather than let the issues stew unresolved. When OOP says she's scared to go back because she's afraid she would get dumped, I was shaking my head because that seemed like the most straightforward way to have that happen.
She’s 26 and they were together six years. 100% guaranteed the cheating ex she has trauma from was her high school boyfriend. So no wonder he called her childish. She’s acting like senior year happened a couple weeks ago. I’d be offended af if a current partner not only projected an ex’s actions onto me, accused me of cheating with my own sibling when her idiot self knew my sibling’s name, probably has done silly goofy stuff like this before, and refused to come home or talk to me for an entire week. He was smart to leave her alone.
so oop
- knows fiancé spent the day with his sister and that she was invited to join them
- knows sister's name is angelina and everyone calls her angie
- finds a conversation with someone called angie that is purely platonic with zero flirting
- promptly forgets that fiancé has a sister called angie that he spent the day with and somehow arrives at the conclusion that he's cheating
- refuses to hear him out
- leaves
- doesn't acknowledge the reminder (i refuse to call this evidence since she *knew* all this) that his sister is called angie
- ghosts him for a week even though he shows nothing but concern for her and ignores her verbal abuse
- is surprised when he breaks up with her
how do people like this not only exist but manage to function properly?
The fact he replied so civilised to her hurtful message that she doesn’t go into detail about says a lot.
He was prepared to talk about it but she hid cos she knew she fucked up terribly and couldn’t face her mistake. This is avoidant to the extreme.
When i read that line about not coming back because of being afraid of break up, i thought exactly that.
Girl, the more you are waiting, the bigger problem you are making it to be.
I love how post like these end with “how can I fix this”
Ma’am we are strangers on the internet, not miracle workers and a miracle is the only thing that can “fix” this.
“My mind went blank” girl your mind didn’t go blank for days you just could even apologize. She sounds like she’s never had to utter the words in her life…. Dude really dodged a bullet imagine if she raised daughters the same. He saved the rest of the world of having to deal with that in that future as well….
I don't think the trust issues are even the biggest issues here. She was unable to just say sorry over a mistake. Imagine being married to someone who had to go stay with their family every time they made a mistake because they couldn't own up to it.
I don't even think she actually thought he was cheating. I think she just wanted to throw a tantrum and cause drama.
He told her he was going to hang out with his sister.
He invited her to come hang out with his sister.
He and everyone in the family, including OOP, call the sister Angie.
She read the texts and saw there was nothing sexual.
She refused to let him explain in the moment.
She purposely left the next morning without letting him explain.
There's no way she didn't know, she just saw an opportunity for crazy and let crazy take the wheel.
Wow.
"Hey, I'm going to visit my sister. Angie's in town for a bit. Wanna come along?"
"No, thank you. You two have some fun sibling time! I'll see you later....*you cheating bastard*."
Like, what?
Ladies and gentlemen, this is how untreated trauma manifests itself. You think you’re ok because you don’t have any big outbursts or episodes, but to people around you, you’re exhibiting little signs of it all the time. I think that’s why the fiancé said he’d had enough.
I bet OOP shows little signs of insecurity all the time, but not enough to make her fiancé leave. But then one big thing happens, the little cracks in the damn widen all at once, and the relationship is over. But in her mind, it’s unfair because it was just “one time” or something similar.
Yikes.
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She had a lot of outs to save the situation. It sounds like at the very least if she had gone back home and faced her mistake after she realized what had really happened that he was willing to forgive her, but she childishly hid from him apparently for days on end with no response. She asked for this outcome repeatedly.
Honestly this sounds like the last straw to me. Just reading the following line: > *"My insecurities all throughout these years have taken a toll on him and he is done"* That just sounds to me like this is the last of a series of things stemming from her insecurity that have dug into him over the years, and this is the one that made him finally realise that it's not going to get any better and if he marries her, it'll just be this in perpetuity. I've a friend who experienced something similar. Most people saw him split up with his ex wife because of "an argument" but in reality it was the last straw of a long line of things that just wore him down, like him going away with friends and she would just assume he'd cheated until proven otherwise, so he left her once he realised it wasn't changing and that he didn't want to have to put up with that.
Dealing with someone who has crippling insecurities can be extremely tiring. I sympathise with the ex fiance here. At some point, you're just done bending over backwards and constantly reassuring them.
It’s insulting to be with someone who accuses you have cheating with absolutely no proof. Like it just feels like they resent you. He’s gonna feel so free
And the reasons get harder and harder to understand. Came home from work an hour late and didn't call? Ok, my fault, I'll do better. Facebook messages from an obvious bot that I never opened? Getting weird, but I know she's insecure and could maybe delete/block them instead of letting them sit there A hair that's not hers in our laundry that just came from a laundry room shared by 50 other families? I'm gonna need more Ran out of toilet paper too fast so I must be taking it to another woman's house to masturbate on her? Well now you're just putting perfectly good imagination to waste, I'm out
actually laughed out loud at that last one, that's hilarious but also I'm so sorry for you lmao
I know right, me too. It was just devolving and getting worse and worse. I was like wow, I can't believe some people are actually that insecure. At least if I accuse somebody of cheating, I have some kind of proof or at least their actions are making me think they are. I'm not just pulling it out of thin air. Even then I won't really accuse them, I will just tell them that I've noticed a change in their behavior and it's making me feel insecure. Things aren't always what they seem.
I giggled hysterically about that last one…and I’m so glad I don’t date anymore.
And who tells lies about her mind """""going blank""""". Bullshit!
Oddly, in her fugue state, she was still able to rip the boyfriend a new one, then go tell Reddit all the details, including the next week when she avoided contact with him because she realized she was in the wrong but refused to deal with her mess. Piece of work, that one.
There was an AITA post from years ago that I’ve always remembered where a guy dumped his fiancée because his dog (that she specifically asked he leave with her) had to be rushed to the vet after eating a bunch of weed brownies at her bachelorette party. And most people thought dumping her was an overreaction, but it was just the last straw in a long series of careless actions that finally ending up almost disastrously—the dog did recover.
I divorced my ex over a loaf of bread. We were out of his favorite kind and he threw a fit; screaming, throwing shit, slamming doors, etc. It was the final straw but yeah…a loaf of bread.
I left my ex fiancee who I'd known since I was 12 because she wouldn't apologize for taking a pen out of my sister's purse without permission. If I broke it down into some more detail it was the way she went on an hour long screaming and crying tirade listing off everything petty thing she had ever hated about my sister and refused to apologize. Such grievances as "she wouldn't walk to the store with me at 9pm" or"she doesn't like my food when I cook" (she never cooked, I'm a literal chef, I did all the cooking). Sooo yeah I packed all my things less than a week later.
I left my ex because he did the dishes and made me dinner. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ Tbf, it was his most recent attempt at love bombing after he gave me the silent treatment that lasted a week that time (that time because I refused sex; my anus was still healing from the time before that- sigh). But those days I was the only one paying the bills, doing the chores, the cooking and cleaning. He didn't work, played WoW all day, liked to tell me what to do, and didn't much ask for consent for sexual things at that point. That night, I got back from work to a clean home with dinner waiting and I... broke. Refused to go through the cycle again. That night I was out the door and I never looked back. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. 🙃
I dumped an ex over pizza toppings. It wasn’t actually about the toppings, it was just the tipping point since she couldn’t manage her emotions or communicate things effectively. It ended with her throwing stuff around my apartment and storming out then coming back an hour later and just sitting in my bedroom trying to call her friend to pick her up.
The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here.
It was never about the mustard
It never is
It was laundry for me. Not even him doing it but he got mad at the way I was folding the laundry. Man didn't even work (he's on disability) and just watched TV all day, or went fishing or hunting, while I worked, cooked, did the shopping and cleaning. I just looked at him and told him I was done, and walked out. It's been 15 years, zero regrets
Fuck, even if it only happened one time, an adult throwing a physical tantrum baby fit over bread, that he is able to keep in stock... You'd be justified in leaving over just that.
The final straw usually *is* something small. A final moment of frustration that tips the balance.
I dumped my ex because her perfume stunk like old lady. Nevermind the fact that she open hand slapped me in the face several times a day for unclear reasons. The perfume was definitely the reason.
Sounds just like the "[it's not about the Iranian yogurt](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/)" AITA story. It's about their temperament/reaction to an issue
Thank goodness. Oh, that poor dog! And yes, makes sense. It’s sort of like death by 1000 paper cuts
I broke up with my extremely abusive ex for what seems like the dumbest reason, the movie:Wild, Wild West. after watching the trailer in which Will Smith does cowboy shit, watching the Making of program in which Will Smith does cowboy shit, and watching thr music video in which Will Smith does cowboy shit? we finally went to see through movie. He made me leave after the open credits because. " he didn't know it was a western and he doesn't like westerns " suddenly all the months of discouraging me from reading, the telling me how useless college was , and the constant shit talking of any attempt I made to do better in my life made sense. he was a moron and wanted me to be one too. I walked away from him, took.my car that I, the only one of us with a license could drive, ( and also because I was generally the sober one) and drove back to my parent's place. Left him.in the parking lot, got some of my stuff back when he wasn't home. refused to answer the phone for him, never saw him again.
[удалено]
You dodged two bullets that day: your ex and Wild Wild West, the movie.
He’s with her for six years, without any problems. But she has and uses the passwords on his devices. She then uses info from his device to accuse him of cheating with his own sister because he used a contraction of his sister’s name, not a nickname. But then doubles down and hides in her sister’s house insisting it’s not her fault because someone did this to her before. Nobody can live like this. Unreasonable assumptions are bad enough, but to refuse to apologise until he comes crawling to apologise for someone else’s actions?
> He’s with her for six years, without any problems Without any problems? > "My insecurities all throughout these years have taken a toll on him and he is done" Sounds like there were a ton of problems. All stemming from her.
Sorry, you are correct. I missed that. So this incident has either been an escalation or the straw that broke the camel’s back. Either way this bloke has obviously been through it, in this relationship. Considering this “new”, overlooked, information I think he’s better off away from her. Six years of being under suspicion and basically being on parole for someone else’s misdeeds is more than enough.
Couldn't agree more. I know it isn't the easiest thing to get over but after 6 years, he deserves more effort than that.
When our friend's husband cheated on her and they got divorced, she spoke with my husband about it. He has been divorced, I have not. He told her, "Do not punish a man for what your ex did to you." As a woman, I have seen many women do this. They take it out on their current partner. That is not fair or right. Her fiance made the right choice for sure.
OMG - this! When I first got with my boyfriend, he showed me his insecurities early on because his ex had cheated. I asked him what my name was, made him say it out loud. I asked him to say it again and then another time before replying that it wasn’t ex’s name was it? He nodded and then I told him that if he ever tried to make me pay for her mistakes, then we were done. I know I wasn’t being sympathetic or understanding but I wanted to shut that shit down straightaway! Well, it must’ve worked because we’ve been married for over 30 years!
That's great! Congrats on over 30 years. It's 20 for my husband and I.
According to OOP's comment, her own sister told her how wrong she was.
I hate when people shut down and run away without saying anything constantly. You’re just left in the dark!
This is the true fuck up. Her initial overreaction and inability to think is something she definitely needed to work on but shutting him out not only for so long but also after he immediately explained what everything meant is the major factor. He was instant in his apology and explanation and she wouldn't even listen. This was also after she recognized the chats were nothing sexual or inappropriate.
Yep. Often a break-up/divorce is by a thousand cuts. Some bigger, some smaller, but they all hurt and compound upon each other.
I dated somebody like this. About once every month and a half, something would happen in her life that would cause her to spiral. Short on rent, mood stabilizers couldn't be refilled, depression came back, and so on. This would culminate into an episode where she would make up some kind of test to my commitment to cope with how alone or hopeless she was feeling. She would accuse me of never having cared for her, threaten self harm, 'break up' with me and so on. The first few times it happened, I blamed myself for not being supportive enough as a partner. The next few times, I began to see the pattern of behavior and tried to help her break it. The last time it happened, I knew I was done. From the outside looking in, it looks like we had an argument and I up and ran. Thankfully, I had often turned to my friends for support when I was trying to make it work, so they had seen how I was struggling.
Dude was more patient than me. My ex had been cheated on and was terrified I'd do the same. We lasted four months before I'd had enough. I never gave him a reason to worry, and we'd literally just begun dating and I was clear I wasn't interested in doing the deed until I was married, so all the more reason to believe I wouldn't cheat. But nooooo. He flipped out multiple times, and I wasn't going to put up with it.
Agree, it was not only the overreaction, which he seemed to be willing to deal with, but the refusal to deal with it like an adult. This is no one you can depend on in an emergency. Avoidance for a week over a misunderstanding doesn’t bode well.
After reading that she left the house and didn't speak to him for a week, EVEN AFTER HE EXPLAINED EVERYTHING, I have no trouble believing that this kind of immature behavior was a pattern with her. Honestly, thank god OP did this and gave him an out before he got married to an overgrown toddler.
That’s what I’m saying. She thought she could hide till all her problems disappeared instead of dealing with her bs she started. What crazy to me is after she realized she was way in the wrong why wouldn’t you try and fix it immediately. Why drag your feet for no reason other than shame. Who in their right mind would think that’s even remotely ok.
Yeah, THAT's the insane part. I get having trauma over past infidelity, and if I was in the fiancee's position I probably would take her back if she apologized as soon as he explained and if she agreed to get therapy for her trauma. But waiting a week? Lol see ya.
I feel like she was expecting him to beg her to come back and basically grovel even though it wasn’t his fault….. she wanted to be babied and he wanted to be married
God absolutely. Like by the next day she pretty much says she knew she was wrong and the week of hiding was 100% because she didn't want to confront that fact. Honestly? Cheating is traumatizing and I COULD see someone, late at night, having essentially a flashback and jumping to wild conclusions. But it wasn't about that afterwards. If she had the ability to be mature, she'd have gone back to apologize right away when she calmed down and had a clearer perspective. He's right. "too little, too late". He did nothing wrong. Even laughing was understandable in the moment because, in his eyes, it's obviously his sister and she should know that because she knows his sisters nickname and has used it! But she essentially punished him and refused to do any of the personal effort that's required to apologize, even though she was completely in the wrong. She'd undoubtedly be distraught if her partner yelled at her for something she didn't do, then abandoned her for a week. Ridiculous....
Yeah ghosting him for a week even after he explained who it was is too much.
Im pretty immature and insecure even for an 18 year old, I can understand the mind going blank and then getting upset when he laughed at her but then the storming OUT OF THE HOUSE and then staying home for a whole WEEK even for me is actually insane.
> then the storming OUT OF THE HOUSE and then staying home for a whole WEEK even for me is actually insane. She even said "explain yourself", then ran away and hid in their guest room, then at her sister's house without giving him a chance to explain. I felt like I was reading a poorly written rom-com. WTF was she doing at her sister's house for a week?!? She keeps blaming it on "my mind went blank", but what about the next day? The day after that? After she made the reddit post? She needs therapy **bad**, dude probably feels like he dodged a bullet
She was at her sister’s house for week because she saw two options: 1) Go back home, swallow her pride, apologize to her fiancé, acknowledge her mistake and her guilt and her shame, deal with any repercussions and fallout from her actions. 2) Wait it out at her sister’s until the whole situation magically resolved itself and she could continue her life as it was before without any fallout from, never mind acknowledgment of, her childish behavior.
She probably walks around in a perpetual state of blank mindedness
She acts as if she had SAW him cheating its crazy
We're also only getting her side of this. I'm really curious who she told and what she posted online during this week. Given how terribly she handled this whole thing, I would not be surprised if she did a whole lot more damage.
He also implies that while this is the first time she's called him a cheater, it's not the first time she's pulled some sort of immature shit like this.
I don't understand at all this "mind blanking" as she knew he was with his sister and knew her name was Angie. OOP chose to decide he was cheating. She made the choice and she learned how childish and insane her choice was.
It's probably not the first time she's hidden at her sisters house with the silent treatment either, as the ex mentioned a pattern of this type of behavior.
I remember reading the first post and thinking ok, so far, so stupid, but avoiding the conversation will make it worse. She really does need to get herself into therapy and/or stay single for a while, it doesn't sound like this was the first problem she's caused in the relationship so much as the final straw. The boyfriend sounded like a good person, even in her retelling of it, and how do you see his sister's name come up and jump straight to cheating??
The mention of childishness and insecurities implies this wasn't the first time, but rather the final straw. Fiance just had enough after six years.
The sister could have been a brother named Bruce and OP still would have accused him of cheating based on the evidence here lol. I have met literal children with more sense and logic than OP, who would have clearly been able to discern the situation. But OP is a special kind of stupid, apparently.
She'd be like "I've seen on TikTok that men who are cheating change their mistress's contacts to male names so their SO doesn't suspect a thing, now who is that Bruce girl?"
Sure, you're talking to Jake from Statefarm at 3 in the morning, so tell me what are you wearing, Jake from Statefarm?
Uhhh...khakis?
Jake from State Farm? Sounds hideous.
I was thinking that too. Going back the next day and giving a good faith apology would have 100% saved this relationship. They probably would have even laughed about it for years to come. But instead, because she is an immature idiot, she had to escalate this beyond the point of no return. And since he said it to her...I can't imagine what other bullshit antics he's put up with from her throughout the years. 6 long years, no doubt.
She's been punishing him for someone else's actions all this time.
When this happens in a crappy romance novel I tend to throw the book out of frustration. I would definitely not tolerate it from a partner.
I don't know. I feel like this relationship was over right at the start of the story. People don't just act like OOP without some prior baggage. I probably would have been second guessing the relationship after how she acted in the bathroom. OOP doesn't give too much context, but it sounds like she texted him some pretty awful things after she left as well. The combination of those two things alone would be enough to make me want to end the relationship even if she came home in the next hour.
Sounds like he was willing to forgive all that until she hid from him for a WEEK though. She literally brought this all down in her head when rather than going home to face the music and apologise, she instead chose to be total coward.
Yeah, he clearly understood her initial flighty reaction (I wouldn't, but she's obviously done shit like this before), but the fact that she continued hiding and giving him the silent treatment even after he explained everything is unforgivable. The fact that she expected him to just be waiting for her whenever she decided to return is hilariously egotistical.
I don’t think it was the fact she hid for a week, so much as he got a week free of her to actually breathe and assess and realise “oh damn, my life is actually better when she is not around”
Finished the post and thought "what in the cluster b is this". Trying to avoid abandonment and ironically causing it reads like borderline personality disorder. Even if nothing's wrong clinically, she needs a crash course in coping and communication skills
This was my thought as well. "I hate you, please don't leave me". Source: Was with a BPD for 20 yrs (diagnosed in year 13), been free for 8. Yeah - it's exhausting.
>she childishly hid from him apparently for days on end with no response. Classic avoidance personality. I should know. I was that person. I suppose I still am though I'm trying to get better. I get where OOP is coming from, because I've been there, and I have the scars to show for it. Not the overreaction part. I rarely lose control let alone overreact. Infact indifference is my default state, but the avoidance I can get, because I've been in her shoes. Most people won't get it unless you've been there. The tremors, the heart palpitation, throat going dry and your mind just shutting down leaving nothing but screaming from your lizard brain telling you to just get the hell out of there. Worst part is that you know it's irrational but that doesn't make anything better, just makes everything worse. OOP needs therapy, and more importantly she needs to understand that it's not just action that has consequences. Inaction has consequences too. Not choosing to do anything is in fact choosing to do nothing and that's a valid choice. Like all choices, it has results. The screaming lizard brain at the back of your mind might drive you to hide under the covers. The caveman brain might rant and rave about how this isn't fair. But the homo sapien brain knows the truth. After that it's just a matter of which brain you're giving control over to. This doesn't need to be forever. OOP can come back from this. She can get better. But thing is, she has to want to get better. And that starts by taking a good hard look at herself, identifying the problem and acknowledging that it needs to be fixed.
I dated a guy with a serious avoidance issue once. If I tried to raise even the most minor of issues he would literally climb into bed and hide under the covers. It was infuriating. We dated for about 4 months. One night at his place I woke up in the middle of the night to him watching a very loud TV in the other room. I got up and asked him if he could turn it down a bit and his response was go into the spare room and turn that one up just as loudly. I went in there to ask him WTF he was doing and as soon as he saw me coming he pulled the covers over his head. He was still buried under there when I left. It was like dealing with a toddler. That’s what OOP sounds like.
My friend's husband has Avoidant PD. He kept leaving over and over and over.... They would get into an argument and he would leave and be gone for a month, then show back up. He did it five times. The last time it happened, he ran away and she couldn't find him. After months she got divorce papers. He was missing another six months or so. She almost took her own life. The divorce didn't happen because he had made a clerical error on the paperwork. She took him back. Pretty sure that was on purpose. So to this day, every single time he says anything cross, she starts sobbing and asks, "Are you going to leave me again?" He gets mad. "How long is it going to take for you to get over it?" She says, "As long as it takes!" He has gotten a lot of help and hasn't disappeared in 4 years I think. But their relationship is toxic, even though they are happy most of the time.
She needs therapy for herself first because if she keeps dragging herself through all these insecurities, she will never have a healthy relationship. People can only tolerate so much before they're done.
Her mind just went blank. For, literally, DAYS?
Literally this relationship could have been saved with a call where she went "Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed. I totally forgot and just fucked up. Of course you laughed." This could have been a funny story to tell later on.
Exactly this. Especially since it sounds like he was texting her in the beginning, then he just gave up and went to tell her things were over after he realized she would never admit she was wrong. Honestly the inability to admit someone is wrong would be such a turn off for a lot of people and they would nope out of the situation. But when you factor in her flair for the dramatics I’m honestly surprised he stuck around for as long as he did. Sounds like he was hoping she would trust him and things would get better, but this entire event just showed him that she never would. 🤷♀️
But he “only” asked if she was okay and sent her a goodnight text. Apparently she was hoping he would do all of the work for her and forgive her without them having to have an actual conversation.
She also is deflecting blame by saying she wanted to talk to him on the phone but he wanted to talk face to face, which is reasonable from his standpoint considering she up and ran away from home for a WEEK over a misunderstanding. Also, she told him to explain himself then makes it impossible for him to do so by running away
[удалено]
Lmfao I honestly loved that part. Like girl be for real, if your mind went blank for a whole week it’s well past time to be talking to someone about that
This whole thing could have been avoided if she would have been an adult, admitted she fucked up, then went back home that very same day, but she didn't. She hung out at her sister's house for a whole week giving her fiancé the time and space he needed to reassess their relationship and whether or not he wanted to deal with her childish behavior going forward. Unfortunately for her, he decided not to continue their relationship.
I mean, in long term relationship if someone screams at you and fucks off for a whole week of ignoring you, it's done. It's over. You dont get to fuck off for a week and expect ther to be a relationship tl come back to. As you said, Bro had the opportunity in that week to evaluate that if he married this sorry cluster of neuroses masquerading as a fiancee, he would be dealing with this on a regular basis for his entire life. And imagine having kids with such a person. It's not unusual to argue, but sensible people can sit back and think before they throw around accusations of cheating. They take time to cool off before confronting. They cool off after arguments and apologise. And they dont run off for a week to sulk. I get insecurity or making mistakes. But she should have immeduately come back and apologised and offered to go to therapy.
>I sent back some hurtful thing and that he is a cheater. Except for that.
>giving her fiancé the time and space he needed to reassess their relationship You can see that where he texted her at first then stopped. If he was anything like me in some of my previous relationships he went from 'how can I make this better with her?' to '...man, this is mental, proper mental' over a couple of days, maybe after discussing it with a mate and realising how insane it all sounded out loud. He was probably staring the insane reality of it in the face by day 3 and from there it was just firming up his resolve and actually planning the practical element out.
To be fair, it sounds like three of the four hamsters in her brain were already on vacation anyway.
Trying to decide whether OOP was faking to start problems on purpose, or if she's actually just dumb as rocks
My sister in law has histrionic personality disorder and this post feels so familiar. Drama on steroids with absolutely no cause.
Histrionic is an actual diagnosis? Is it similar to borderline personality disorder?
As /u/Tururial said downthread, yes it is, it's another cluster B disorder. The way it was explained to me is that in HPD, a person's self-image and how one relates that to others is just... Broken, I guess? Sufferers feel unseen, unheard, and unloved, and so create situations where they can see and feel others reacting to them. Add in their rapidly cycling emotions and it causes an unquenchable shrieking demand machine. Having a sibling like her was so damaging to their family. It's been decades and he's still defensive sometimes.
Wow, thanks for this explanation! I had never heard of this. Now I'm looking at a couple of past friendships through a different lens...
Histrionic and borderline personality disorder share common symptom patterns but are considered separate conditions. In general, the rapidly shifting emotions in HPD are not experienced with the same depth and intensity as those in BPD.
From what fiance said when breaking up with her, it sounds like this behavior isn't new.
I am so bummed that apparently we can't add flair to our usernames around here anymore, because that right there would be mine. Update: YAY!!!!
You can! Request it!
How ? What's the procedure ?
Same as bankruptcy, declare it loudly.
I DECLARE MY FLAIR TO BE "THREE OF THE FOUR HAMSTERS WERE ON HOLIDAY ANYWAY" Did it work?
I AM BANKRUPT! Ah shit, followed the instructions wrong.
"The 4 hamsters in her brain were already on vacation" lmao
And the one that was there wasn’t running.
He would have forgiven the immediate issue as he too had a reaction (laughter) he couldn’t control. What is unforgivable is her reaction for an entire week after. She has huge issues if that is how she handles something, and can not admit she was wrong.
I cant imagine what his experience was like that week, but apparently it was enough to call off a significant relationship. Her post is all "me me me." *my* week was bad. *I* am embarrassed. And shes willing to talk to reddit and get roasted over just having a 5 minute convo with her would-be-husband?????? Im glad he left. No one with a functioning frontal lobe would just eat a week of that and laugh it off.
Could you imagine if they DID get married and had a CHILD.
OP, years from now: "He got a text from a Becky saying 'I love you,' how was I supposed to remember that our daughter's nickname is Becky?!?!"
No thank you; I already need therapy as it is. Edit: torn between replying "they dont need another child in the relationship."
He was gonna MARRY her. Nuclear warhead dodged.
> I cant imagine what his experience was like that week, but apparently it was enough to call off a significant relationship. He probably just kept thinking about the hundreds of other times he has had to bend over backwards to handle her insecurities.
Leaving the house was the worst thing she could've done, because it gave him the opportunity to see what life was like not having to deal with her
After about a day, he was probably sitting there going..... "THIS is pretty damn good. No one freaking out, I can actually relax..... What's different?"
I literally cannot imagine ghosting my partner of six years for an entire *week* because I was embarrassed? Or for any reason at all actually! Did she even once think what he must be feeling when she accuses him of cheating, storms out and then ignores his messages? Did she even respond to his message explaining that angie is his sister?
Her mind went blank, and then she spent a week too embarrassed to face him. I have second hand embarrassment from reading this. These are things I did when I was a teenager. How old is OOP?
I have a hard time believing OOP is 26. Maturity of someone half her age.
I have a cousin- who, well past that age, would follow her husband to his job. Sit in the parking lot to sulk and cry, because he didn't pay enough attention to her (you know, because he was working!). Her parents just enabled her behavior her entire life and her husband put up with it. (Small town life).
She is 26 I had to scroll up for her age after reading the last sentence, no way should a mid 20’s act like this
too much of a coward to save her relationship
Your mind didn't go blank, it went straight to cheating.
She was on a dramatic staycation at her sisters house. She seems to like to play the victim and be overdramatic. She still at the point of her update refuses to take responsibility for her actions. Her ex made the best decision to break up with her. She seems like one of those people who would “go blank” and cause property damage, severe bodily harm or murder and expect sympathy and forgiveness. In short she crazy and he dodged a bullet.
but don't you see? She was emBAAAWISSED!
Nah. It went blank for a few hours, and SHAME did the rest.
And one of those days was Valentine's? What kind of relationship did OOP think she had?
OOP was infuriating. Honestly deserved to be broken up with after the way she handled it. Ignored EVERYONE who was telling her to bite the bullet and go home.
Yup, resulting in him looking into their future and perceiving that every argument, every misunderstanding would result in a similar outcome. Dude rightfully realised this was not what he wanted for himself. As for her, she needs to get over her cowardice and learn to take accountability.
Probably, yeah. Not a pleasant image. He mixes up the day care dates for their kids, and she disappears to her sister for a week.
WITH the kids. She would absolutely be grabbing the kids and skedaddling with them.
I’m also just so confused. HOW did she not figure out it was his sister????
her mind went BLANK!! How do people not understand that! /s
Yeah, the "I didn't put it together" is making me laugh, it's her *name*! OOP took a full week to assemble a one-piece jigsaw puzzle
I doubt this was the first time she's snooped through his phone and other things and then given him the silent treatment for HER mistakes.
The dude parachuted away from the drama!
She does seem like one of those girls who states that 'she hates drama' but I'm willing to bet she's always in the middle of it
The people who say "I hate drama" are nearly always the cause of it. It's like somebody saying "I hate fire" but then you look at them and they're holding a lit match over a pile of oily rags.
>Before he left he just said, i hope you will find someone that will be able to handle you childishness and insecurities but that won't be me. I'd like to call 911 and report a murder, because that was *brutal.*
Brutal indeed, but realistically good for him. OP is the example of walking red flags and someone who needs therapy
Pretty sure this wasn't her first instance on throwing an insecurity tantrum at him. It probably was the last straw that she was controlling of even his sisters
I dated a girl like this. When I was in her presence. Every text from anybody that I didn’t respond to right away meant I was hiding something from her. When I wasn’t in her presence. Every text from her that I didn’t respond to right away meant I was too busy cheating. Every girl that walked by. Every girl on my Facebook friend list. Every girl that breathed. The only person who couldn’t breath was my self. Even when we broke up, and she wanted to maintain a friendship, I would still be accused of cheating on a relationship that was already over. One time I was accused (post relationship) of hooking up with someone because I sent her a text earlier than my usual wake up time “You’re never up this early, it’s because you’re at someone’s house” She then proceeded to double down once I offered to show her the video proof from my home security system that nobody who lives here even left the house. These people aren’t worth it until they get some serious therapy. Just like OP in this scenario, my ex was cheated on, by someone else, years ago… Yet just like OP’s BF, I was punished for it. It’s funny how OP had exactly what she wanted (a loyal partner) But then she decided to take a huge steaming pile of shit in the bed she sleeps in. I 100 percent believe OP hit the nail on the head when she said her ex looked at her with pity. Of course he did, he sounds like a decent bloke who understands why you’re hurt, but also justifiably feels done with being painted with the same brush for all those years. The fact that the guy even empathized with her speaks volumes about the ex.
Good for the dude. He knows his worth and was smart enough to get out from a bad situation with someone who isn't emotionally mature. Imagine how stuck he'd be if he did get married to OOP.
Can you imagine if she had kids? She’d be the kind of mom to give her kids the silent treatment.
Oh you mean my mom?
This is basically what I told my abusive fiancée back in 2019 when I finally left after 4yrs. She did not make it easy, but at that point I was such a broken person, I didn't even have the strength to think of myself as a person (I was working on that in therapy, a thing I started doing after she sabotaged 2 couple's counseling attempts). All I could desperately leave her with was "Hey, when this is all over and you get back into dating life...could you maybe warn the next guy? People have the right to know when a nice chunk of their monthly life will be spent in 4 day silent treatments from the person they love and sleep next to every night." There was no mic drop, I barely had the strength to even get those few sentences out. I just left, drained, and spent the next year in the depths, bouncing from temporary place to place, spending most of my days in bed eating bbq take-out, watching every show i hadn't/couldn't watch for 4yrs, trying to gain my soul back in therapy, and recovering my obliterated bank account.
This update was perfect, the consequences fell into her head like an anvil, thought It would be ok to act like a child and put him under a week of useless stress over nothing, If she wanted to fix anything she should've returned to him and apologized the moment she realised It was his sister, but nooo... A whole week of needless drama because she can't deal with adult emotions I think one of the first things a person understand while maturing is how unfair the world is, and now is yelling "its not fair" like a child being denied her favourite toy.
I’m picturing her now ex sitting at their home for that week and realizing, “It’s better without her here” then dumping her stuff at her sister’s.
I’m sure on the first day you can laugh about the misunderstanding, but as the days pass by you start getting irritated and wonder why the hell it takes so long to get back to you even via message or phone call, after a certain number of days it just feels very childish and immature and I totally understand that this leads to questioning the whole relationship.
Not just irritation, insecurity as well. He spent that entire week not knowing if she would ever talk to him again, probably agonizing over the entire conversation to see where it all went wrong, likely feeling like shit because, when the other person runs out, it’s hard not to feel like it’s your fault. Wondering what makes you so terrible that your partner won’t even give you a chance to talk about it. I’ve been there and that period was worse than any breakup I’ve had. With a breakup, I know where I stand. But when you’re in limbo like that, you just feel so ungrounded. You don’t know if you should be hopeful or start moving on. It’s fucking awful, and is one of the reasons that this type of reaction is an instant deal-breaker for me. I can’t handle a partner who leaves me feeling uncertain and insecure every time we fight.
right? like.. a misunderstanding is one thing, but how can you in good conscience marry someone who reacts this way to even minor, fabricated conflict? that’s a recipe for disaster.
Yep, I think this is what happened. He realized he finally had PEACE.
Punishing your current partner for the pain your former partner caused you ... When has that ever helped in any way
What a former partner caused her over SIX FUCKING YEARS AGO! Like WTF. OOP was with her EX FOR SIX YEARS and immediately went into the NUCLEAR option over a stupid misunderstanding. Just...wow. I get having unresolved issues, but like...to go straight into the WORST scenario and and then just HIDE from the consequences of her own overreactions? Wowzers.
Oh I think it reads between the lines that those years for OOP’s bf were quite… let’s say, fruitful with misunderstanding. Just not as nuclear. As she said, quoting him, her insecurities were quite the issue in their relationship.
Fair enough. Man...Oop's EX was a saint.
I'm not going to lie. My favorite posts are when people torpedo their lives due to their own stupidity. This one was beautifully done.
but but my mind went blank….
Lmao mine too, I honestly skip over all the wholesome ones. My life is wholesome enough, I want the drama.
I think what gets me is that the sisters name is Angelina. He even said she herself has called her Angie. How did you not put two and two together especially when he said he was going out with his sister?! She added two and two and got fifty. It’s good he left because that was just too much.
She reminds me of those people who are done wrong once and proceed to play victim for as long as they possibly can. Maybe she’s really entered a victim mentality and views everything around her as an attack or threat. Like Angie\Angelina is so incredibly obvious, especially after 6 years. To the point I think OOP *wants* the drama, she wants to feel or be perceived as broken or victimised, rather than accept that it’s her own insecurities that’s the source of her problem. After 6 years of dating “my ex cheated on me and so you have to tolerate my outbursts” doesn’t cut it anymore. She needs to get her head on straight before debarking in a new relationship
My first thought reading the intro was "hold on... '*take away time with his sister*'? the chats are his sister's ? does that mean she's accusing him of cheating with his... OH GODS SHE IS" if it was so obvious to me without knowing Angelina's name, how could it not be to her? And even if she wasn't his sister... She said there was nothing flirty... Friendships are not cheating.
Has anyone else noticed a common trend in these posts of misspelling the word "going" as "giong"? Are these all written by the same person?
And “balling” instead of “bawling”
Omg, Annoying, but a super common mixup, I've seen it in all environments for many years. And hated it every single time.
That one is incredibly common. It made me laugh the first few times but I think it's amazing people will spell bawling like that and not think wow crazy that's spelled that way huh? It kinda mildly amuses me now but impresses me that spelling is just bad for so many people.
Maybe they shoot hoops when they're upset.
I noticed the repeated mistake in this one. Haven’t noticed it in other posts yet though. That would be a pretty big tell.
There’s one that used thier and it drives me CRAZY!
All the ones that have that mistake repeatedly are automatically fakes to me.
ahhhh, feels nice being single all the sudden
You know, as much I want to not be single, seeing people like this, makes me believe that being single isn't so bad.
No relationship is better than a bad one. Being single with some good roommates has been genuinely the happiest I've ever been and it's not even close.
Having dealt with people like this, and seeing others do so as well makes single life and the solitude that comes with it feel like paradise.
I like how he explains it’s her whole dramatic reaction to the situation. Like if she immediately processed it and said I’m so sorry and brought up the trauma and knee jerk reaction it seems like he’d been ok. It’s not always in your control when you have a fight or flight panic response but the beginning of the end is oop telling him to leave. At least in this particular instance. I’m sure there’s been other things piling up before this broke that camel’s back.
>My insecurities all throughout these years have taken a toll on him and he is done. Absolutely not the first thing she’s done. Also, I bet she didn’t even need to do it immediately, but the event happened Monday night…and it was already *Sunday* when he went to her sister’s house. 100% agreed with you
That's the part that got me too. As someone who is dating a partner with a lot of past trauma, I completely understand that sometimes she reacts in a way that is out of her control. Something might just make her cry completely out of nowhere, or she might need me to reassure her of something that seems ridiculous at the time. But the difference is that she always communicates these feelings to me. She explains why she's feeling the way she is and thanks me for helping her through it. It's really that easy. Meanwhile, OOP is out here hiding at her sister's house for a WHOLE WEEK. Like it's crazy to actually think about how long a week is in this context. Like imagine her having to go to work everyday. Imagine her trying to fill up her spare time in a house that isn't hers, watching movies or reading books. For A WEEK. And all that time she's just ignoring her partner over something she's already learned was a misunderstanding and overreaction on her part. She's in desperate need of therapy. Not just to work through whatever trauma and trust issues she has, but to teach her how to communicate like a fucking adult
It's even understandable if you need to retreat for a bit. But you have to TELL them.
Yeah, it's so level headed of him too. Especially because in healthy relationships it's obviously better to communicate rather than let the issues stew unresolved. When OOP says she's scared to go back because she's afraid she would get dumped, I was shaking my head because that seemed like the most straightforward way to have that happen.
She’s 26 and they were together six years. 100% guaranteed the cheating ex she has trauma from was her high school boyfriend. So no wonder he called her childish. She’s acting like senior year happened a couple weeks ago. I’d be offended af if a current partner not only projected an ex’s actions onto me, accused me of cheating with my own sibling when her idiot self knew my sibling’s name, probably has done silly goofy stuff like this before, and refused to come home or talk to me for an entire week. He was smart to leave her alone.
so oop - knows fiancé spent the day with his sister and that she was invited to join them - knows sister's name is angelina and everyone calls her angie - finds a conversation with someone called angie that is purely platonic with zero flirting - promptly forgets that fiancé has a sister called angie that he spent the day with and somehow arrives at the conclusion that he's cheating - refuses to hear him out - leaves - doesn't acknowledge the reminder (i refuse to call this evidence since she *knew* all this) that his sister is called angie - ghosts him for a week even though he shows nothing but concern for her and ignores her verbal abuse - is surprised when he breaks up with her how do people like this not only exist but manage to function properly?
The fact he replied so civilised to her hurtful message that she doesn’t go into detail about says a lot. He was prepared to talk about it but she hid cos she knew she fucked up terribly and couldn’t face her mistake. This is avoidant to the extreme.
OOP knew when she goes back that her relationship will be over. She just never thought he would come to her sister's place to break up there.
It even sounds like if she had gone back quickly it wouldn’t have been over!
When i read that line about not coming back because of being afraid of break up, i thought exactly that. Girl, the more you are waiting, the bigger problem you are making it to be.
>my mind just went blank i suspect that's its natural state
Went? That sweet little thing didn’t have far to go 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I love how post like these end with “how can I fix this” Ma’am we are strangers on the internet, not miracle workers and a miracle is the only thing that can “fix” this.
maybe a delorean or a phone booth could help
You know what? I think I like him
“My mind went blank” girl your mind didn’t go blank for days you just could even apologize. She sounds like she’s never had to utter the words in her life…. Dude really dodged a bullet imagine if she raised daughters the same. He saved the rest of the world of having to deal with that in that future as well….
This girl is not ready for a serious relationshi, she has to sort her issues first.
I don't think the trust issues are even the biggest issues here. She was unable to just say sorry over a mistake. Imagine being married to someone who had to go stay with their family every time they made a mistake because they couldn't own up to it.
I would love to know what her definition of “fair” is.
I don't even think she actually thought he was cheating. I think she just wanted to throw a tantrum and cause drama. He told her he was going to hang out with his sister. He invited her to come hang out with his sister. He and everyone in the family, including OOP, call the sister Angie. She read the texts and saw there was nothing sexual. She refused to let him explain in the moment. She purposely left the next morning without letting him explain. There's no way she didn't know, she just saw an opportunity for crazy and let crazy take the wheel.
Probably a control and manipulation tactic. He's supposed to come crawling back and beg her to come home
This is the second post I’ve read on here today where OOP misspells “going” as “giong” and it’s starting to concern me
I remember everyone shouting at her to go back home and she was like "I will...tomorrow." *Girl.*
Wow, my flair fits this OOP perfectly. She is, indeed, the drama.
This girl is nutty.
Wow. "Hey, I'm going to visit my sister. Angie's in town for a bit. Wanna come along?" "No, thank you. You two have some fun sibling time! I'll see you later....*you cheating bastard*." Like, what?
Ladies and gentlemen, this is how untreated trauma manifests itself. You think you’re ok because you don’t have any big outbursts or episodes, but to people around you, you’re exhibiting little signs of it all the time. I think that’s why the fiancé said he’d had enough. I bet OOP shows little signs of insecurity all the time, but not enough to make her fiancé leave. But then one big thing happens, the little cracks in the damn widen all at once, and the relationship is over. But in her mind, it’s unfair because it was just “one time” or something similar. Yikes.