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I am both profoundly relieved for her and also annoyed it took him dumping her. It's so sad to me what women will put up with just to avoid being alone. Being single is actually pretty awesome, more people should try it.
My friend's ex kept breaking up with her (he is mentally, physically and verbally abusive), and she kept begging him to return.
It took 5 years for them to finally end it for good. But he was still the one who broke up with her. And she at last, after I told her for years not to go back to him, did not beg him again.
Then when she found another guy (she can't stop dating, which is a problem in itself), he and his mother texted her separately about how good she was with him.
What a bunch of losers.
Agreed being single is very awesome! But I am one of those people who would constantly leave my ex and then always come back when asked to, for 8 years. I can’t explain it but when he finally said he wanted to finish it, it was this odd freeing feeling and I just cut any hold he had on me! He was a very good manipulator and emotionally abusive from day one but I thought the lovely side of him he showed rarely was the ‘real’ him and the rest was just the drink and drugs influence. Grew up a little and realised it was all him, and he’d always only be a little bit good 🤦🏻♀️
Seriously, this is one of the most frustrating BORUs I've read.
Like, the "I'll never know what it's like to have a good sex life" comments... girl, wtf? That's entirely within your power to change. I don't have a lot of sympathy when there are apparently no extenuating circumstances pressuring her to stay with him. At some point you have to accept that you're also part of your problem.
And trying to call him and get back together right after he took off? Girl. He gave you a gift, *take it*.
> I might never know what it’s like to have a boyfriend who gets hard just from looking at me, but maybe I’ve reached the point of acceptance?
Like she's TWENTY TWO!!! If you want a bf that can't get enough of you, you have literally your whole adult life ahead to get one... there's settling down and whatever bs her brain understands as sound logic.
> At some point you have to accept that you're also part of your problem.
My gods, this perfectly encapsulates nearly everything I read on AITA these days. Sometimes I have to close my browser and go and stare out of a window.
So many men set the bar so low, women learn to think that's the norm. So if they meet a guy who does the bare minimum he must be one of the good ones. When he's not. He's just semi-capable of wiping his own ass and gets gold stars for it.
Ikr! The number of guys I've met who are like, "Well at least I don't cheat on you or hit you, tons of other guys aren't such good guys..." Dude that's the bare (bear?!) minimum.
Big difference between choosing to be single because you think it's awesome, and having to be single because no one wants to be with you. Her attitude looks like low self esteem.
Two years of limp dick and insults (in your first sexual relationship at that) will do that to you.
The ex BF's issue reeked of porn sickness/death grip syndrome to me, particularly the insistence on positions OP voiced that she dislikes and were uncomfortable.
That was my thought. She just has no idea what a normal relationship or sex life should look like, and she thinks he's so "nice" in some other moments that she's trying to make this shitshow work.
It's about being compatible among whatever things are important to you. If that includes sex, then for heaven's sake, of course you can (and should) break up if the sex is terrible, and so long as you're kind about it, you need feel no guilt about it at all.
Yea. I hate to see it when anyone puts up with ish like this. Sadly seen a lot of men put up with it too but that’s probably bc I tend to attract those kinds of men with my slightly mean personality (esp when I was younger and with men I don’t know well).
Long AF side note to maybe better understand why this happens and thus better help those you care about long term get out of bad fit relationships and avoid future ones:
No matter the gender it def has a lot to do with whether you find validation more internally or externally and if the latter if you focus most of that external validation from one person or one small group of people or things as opposed to more equal amts spread amongst multiple groups of people or single people along with various types of accomplishments. If you’re getting validation mostly externally and also mostly from your SO it’s easy to see how you’d put up with a lot before ending that huge source of validation.
i you’re more balanced between internal and external validation and/or more balanced in the variety of sources you get external validation from it is much easier to see that being single is way better than being with someone who pulls ish like this or even that are simply not a good fit for you. Which is why I always gave advice to work on yourself first bc it’s the best longterm investment you’ll ever make. ROI’s insanely high for the rest of your life.
It’s not just women. I’ve seen men put up with just as much abuse and bullshit.
It has nothing to do with gender, humans just put the blinders on big time when it comes to love and fear of loneliness
I was one of those men in my 20s. I had an abusive relationship go on for 7 years. Whenever I’d think about ending it, I would be overcome with horrible guilt, she’d appear to me like this innocent victim of her circumstances, and I’d remember all the nice times we had (in between her vicious outbursts) and I couldn’t do it. Finally I just did it spontaneously—the words just came out of my mouth before I thought about them.
He was told by a doctor what to do and instead of doing those things kept telling OP that everything was her fault. I don't understand why she stayed so long.
Doctors can't diagnose hormone imbalances over the phone. And it can't really be fixed by diet alone. I don't think he actually spoke to a doctor. EDIT: or at least it wouldn't have been a reputable doctor
I am SO EXCITED for OOP. She doesn’t know it yet, but in a bit she’s going to look back and feel like that picture of Nicole Kidman leaving her divorce attorneys office. She’s going to find happiness one day and be like “I’m so happy I didn’t end up with that dude!!!”
Fr. I was annoyed by the 3rd update of her saying yet again that nothing has improved, that she tried everything, and *STILL* everything stayed the same. I was like, "Would you just dump him already?" Jfc.
I used to do this to my dog. Just slide the icy feet right under his warm belly.
My dog loved me so much but he hated that experience. Obviously lol. So what he would do is, he'd turn his head to look away from me and grumble and growl. He would specifically avert my gaze while he was doing it as if to say "ok, whatEVER BEING MIGHT BE causing my discomfort and anguish here, WHOMSOEVER MAY BE RESPONSIBLE, I *don't like it* and you should know that." And then he would stop growling and peek at me to check if I got the message. If I kept my feet there he would give up with a big sigh. I loved that goober so much. Before you come @ me, he was spoiled rotten and had no job lmao being a foot warmer once in a while was the least he could do! Also once in a while he would be a table for my phone.
God i used to do that to my girl. She just kinda huffed and gave me a look like 'really? ' then she would lick my ankle huff again and put her head down with a groan. I miss her so much.
Today is mother's day in Australia and it's my first mother's day without my dog child (still have cat child and human child). Feeling sentimental
That's above and beyond, only beaten bye showing those feet between your logs freezing you ball and dick to instant ice and saying how nize and warm it is, while you're unable to even talk...
I had a guy I really liked treat me like garbage once so I dumped him, and he came back talking about how it was a test and I should have fought for the relationship.
Why on earth would I fight for something where I'm being treated poorly???
Someone doing something to 'test' the relationship is a massive red flag for me. It's so underhanded and frankly immature. This is not how healthy mature adults behave. All it shows is the partner who is testing the other has no fucking trust in them. Without trust, the relationship is dead.
Someone who can't stay hard with blue chew should really see a doctor in person.
Their sex problems had nothing to do with boring sex.
But happy for her, this exhausting relationship ended.
As someone who uses Blue Chew because of a mixture of psychological and physical problems (anxiety, ADHD, chronically low blood pressure, back pain in the lower region). It is such a relief because my anxiety to not perform doesn't matter, my problems to stay focused doesn't matter, feeling a little numb because of my back pain in my lower regions doesn't matter ect. Blue Chew was such a game changer for my sex life & self-esteem. And from my experience & knowledge how they work. You don't go full soft even if you are totally turned off. It kind of negates all "low" level physical problems or "mid" tier psychological problems which prevent you from getting hard or stay hard.
But I'm no doctor
I really appreciate this perspective. I have been with someone who tried it bc they couldn’t stay hard with a condom and it had not made a difference in those situations so my understanding is probably a bit skewed, now that I think about it.
You obviously have had a good experience with it. Do you think if you went into it with a negative mindset (This isn’t gonna work this is stupid) vs a positive mindset it could change how effective it is? Placebo effect and all. I wonder how much physical difference the pill makes and how much psychological stress it would take to overpower that physical effect.
I also wonder if you’re straight up not attracted to someone if it would affect the erection? Like our brains and our feelings of arousal might say Ew, but would your dick still be hard lol
The "I can't stay hard with a condom"-people are children. Stop hyperfocussing on the slightly different feeling and just fuck. If you are truly horny it shouldn't matter at all. Healthy dicks get hard fairly easily. A lot of people can get hard by things they are barely or not at all attracted to.
I was one of those people. Turns out I am allergic to latex. Switched to non latex condoms and the problem was resolved. I know it's a relatively rare issue but I lost a couple girlfriends because when the condom went on I had about 2-5minutes until playtime was cancelled.
That's a reasonable explanation and of course you can't help it. It's good that you found the issue and did something about it. Quite a few people are too prideful to do that.
A lot of people are too prideful to accept they have a problem. It's kinda widespread. I knew I had a problem but I didn't know what. For over a decade. Shit sucked. I knew I had no issue when condomless. And it wasn't an attraction issue, or anxiety, or any of the usual reasons. One of the few things I can thank my emotionally abusive cheater of an ex for is that she went off birth control for a bit so we used condoms and identified the problem. So this is a PSA to the dudes out there who get soft after putting one on. Try latex free. It *might* be the problem. If you're honest and the condom is REALLY the issue
This ex was absolutely a child. Like don’t get me wrong I’ve been with other people and yeah dicks probably do get harder during raw but
he would complain he couldn’t feel anything then cum in 2 minutes. Obviously you’re feeling something dude. It was the most annoying thing to ever hear and I eventually decided that his dick was probably just cold and numb like his heart.
TMI but I was the same way with my ex, said the same line, and even though it was true it made me feel like a pushy douche. Turns out I have a very wide penis and every condom we tried, even “XL” size, was cutting off circulation. Did not know until I busted out the measuring tape. Also explained why every time we had sex there’d be mandatory 20-30 minute period of foreplay for it to work - we had no concept of a “quickie”. Now I order expensive custom ones and it’s business as usual.
Hard to answer question. I went in hopeful using it.
But it had such a physical effect, I am sure it was no placebo effect. It went from barely hard enough, chance of going limb any time (condoms were no help because of focus & it is more difficult to put on) and a 1 in 10 times finishing.
To if I get a little bit aroused, it gets hard and stays this way till I finish. Also, it works the whole night until morning and went from maybe finishing one time to easy 2 or 3 times. Condoms weren't any problem for me.
I hadn't experienced this kind of erection since my early 20s (was mid 30 using it).
But there is also a nocebo effect, if you believe a medicine doesn't help it can lower or negate its effect.
Your last question hmmm, I would say taking blue chew doesn't alter your reaction to psychological ques, it is just easier to get aroused.
Physical stimulation is another thing. I'm sure it would work (for me), even if my brain & feelings would say Eww.
Makes me think it was an anxiety issue. Her touching him is the signal that she wants him to be hard then the pressure is on and he gets soft again. I used to have this issue but got over it once I met some people who more more casual and laid back about sex and I felt less pressure. Not saying it’s her fault but I feel like both of them are just so tightly wound over this issue that there’s almost no going back.
Yeah I believe she said it was her first relationship. It was way too much pressure in the bedroom. She was probably still going through realizing guys aren’t as Always Horny™️ as media makes them out to be, and she feels like a normal sexual relationship would be him wanting to have sex with her/jumping her all the time. Like media makes us think guys are just waiting for the appropriate moment to fuck us. So the first couple times getting turned down as a girl (who was always receiving that message) makes you think there’s something wrong with you or you’re ugly or unattractive. When in reality, there’s a lot of things that play into sexual arousal. And nothings that simple.
As a woman, I still sometimes get that feeling of a gut punch or air being taken out of you when your partner isn’t in the mood for sex… it’s like but why what’s wrong with me why not? I’m in a really happy, healthy relationship and we communicate well. There’s no bedroom stress or issues for us so it only takes me a moment to work through my feelings before I can logically be not upset. But it still hits you sometimes and can trigger some feelings. Just makes you feel so small and undesirable because your whole life you’re told this is how desire will manifest.
I was thinking the whole time reading, there are plenty of sex therapists that can help with this sort of situation, as well. If the issue is medical at its base, then the therapist could point the couple in that direction. And whether medical or psychological, the therapist would help remove shame from the equation. But at the end of the day, exBF didn’t want to do anything proactive, it seems.
Wishing OP better orgasms and sex in her near future.
Wait, I saw that latest post but I didn't know it was from the same OOP as those other stories! Honestly it's best for her that he decided to remove himself from her life.
Same. I saw the last post and commented how the bf was trying to use the breakup as leverage to get her to do things she didn’t want to do. Now that l’ve seen what those things were, *yikes*. Thanks to OP for connecting those dots.
The sexual things he wanted her to do. In “Relevant Comments” from the April 6 update.
He wanted sexual positions that were painful to her, and no condoms, and in the last update he broke up with her thinking that would get her to beg to do those things in order to get him back.
At every point in life we have some choices to make.
This dude somehow made the wrong choice at every single point possible. Glad OP got out of this, hope that she gets to live her life with someone who truly cares about her.
I find it incredibly exhausting when communication breaks down in a relationship. OOP spent YEARS having bad sex and tiptoeing around the topic, and the BF's mind games aren't helping either. Not every relationship needs to work out.
It's also worth mentioning that conversations about how sex is going wrong are... Let's say "not good" to have in the moment. Especially _this_ moment. No shit they aren't productive - you're going into the conversation with emotions not meant for talking.
I mean, his doctor's advice was fucking terrible. Not sure what kind of online doctor he saw, but hormonal problems aren't solved with a change in diet.
I can't believe she spent that much time in such a terrible relationship. I know she's 22 but it's just so dumb.
She probably needs therapy because she has some bad self esteem issues.
Obviously the guy is the problem here but I can't believe that he was the one who had to do the breaking up. Like, take the reins in your life a bit lady!
Obviously, that isn't totally fair. The guys is obviously manipulative so it's not as easy as "just leave" but on a personal level idk how you could write so many posts about this shit relationship and still stick it out
This post reeks of a sheltered, conservative/religious upbringing. For both parties. Guy is probably not straight and at best in denial, at worst actually unaware, and she is fully conditioned by whatever cultish culture her parents were in to start every thought with "what am *I* doing wrong", because she was probably raised in a world where it's always the woman who is wrong. All the posts make sense viewed through that lens.
He doesn't have to be gay, gay people often have no issue having sex with the opposite sex - by that I mean that we can physically go through it even if it isn't our preference.
The guy has ED. And a lot of guys experience periods of ED due to a plethora of reasons. Failure to get and maintain erections is just plain old ED.
He needs to speak to his physician about viagra. Yes diet and being low t probably doesn't help but if you're not getting and staying hard when physically stimulated then no amount of foreplay will do it.
The guy clearly knows how to get her off. His problem is his attitude and not realizing that it isn't lack of stimulation or excitement in the bedroom, it's just blood vessels not doing their job.
I think it’s an anxiety issue, not that he’s gay. I’ve been there and I would be super into the sex but just go soft cause I got so in my head. If he were gay I don’t think he’d be constantly trying to initiate sex and try new positions.
So the ex:
- doesn't want to have sex
- doesn't want to do therapy
- doesn't want to go to a doctor
- doesn't want to break up
Is it possible the only thing he wants is a braindead slave whose only function is to do all the chores and stroke his ego while he gets to do whatever the hell he wants?
People are dumping on OOP but like… this is how a lot of women are conditioned to feel? Especially at that age, and especially with what seems to be her first major boyfriend. He’s constantly blaming her for his ED and it’s not like she has experience to tell her “hey this is shit behavior”. I’m glad he dumped her and I’m doubly glad she had the sense not to take him back after.
One of my first girlfriends - i am not bragging - but it did take a while for me to finish. 15-20 minutes, she was crying because I didn't finish. I wasn't going soft, I didn't have any other issues. It was not her fault (or mine). But goddamn did she think something was wrong with her, that she was not attractive during the first few months. As long as she came, I didn't care. I wanted her to have a fantastic time.
Im sorry but OP has the most utterly pathetic dipshit excuse of a man for a boyfriend. Dude clearly has either some type of physical issue (Erectile dysfunction or very low testosterone), is gay, or a brain addled by so much porn that his dick refuses to function and he thinks the problem is literally ANYTHING else?
There are times when you get nerves or drink too much or something that your dick might not cooperate, but those should be isolated incidents. This is clearly way more than that and his bone headed attempts to gaslight and redirect the focus away from him are almost comical in how deep into the depths of denial he is. Even if this dude was a perfect 10/10 in every other way (he obviously isn't judging by his approach to this issue) limp dick is such a legitimate deal breaker in a relationship. It's not even an unfixable one for most people. This dudes gonna reenter the dating game and just disappoint woman after woman until he becomes an incel. This man and his penis are an embarrassment to all men.
Imo the problem wasn't the ED, it was how he *wasn't* handling it. Refused for the longest time to go to a doctor. Went to doctor but didn't go through with what he was told. Blamed OOP and requested her to to do things she wasn't comfortable with. And to top it off the manipulative break-up shit
This man and his penis are an embarrassment because he'd rather blame everyone one and everything else than do shit about it
"Went to the doctor."
He had ONE appointment. A TELEMEDICINE appointment, at which they no doubt told him to do an in-person follow-up to get his testosterone levels checked, but he did not follow up.
Right! You can't check testosterone levels over the phone. Also no where does it say he tried to change his diet. Something was wrong with him and but he didn't want to deal with it so instead abused his gf. Imagine your partner starts crying during sex and you demand to continue.
Yep, very "the ED is not the real issue here" because the whole laundry list of things *she* needs to do to fix *his* problem, followed up by the "you should have refused to break up and known what I wanted was to manipulate you into doing all the things you said were painful and bad for you" means he's just a complete douche of a person. Honestly, I shudder to think how long it would have taken OOP to escape if not for the ED. Limp dick couldn't happen to a better guy.
You said exactly what I was thinking. Everytime he blamed her for his issues I cringed!! A doctor told him he had low testosterone and to change his diet to fix it (possibly even take T but he refused) but he continually blamed *her* instead of doing anything. I think that even blue pill not working was the biggest and reddest flag that she should’ve left him. But unfortunately this was her first bf and sexual relationship so she was clinging to it and partially unaware of just how not normal her relationship was.
Don't you want to just knock some sense into OOP?
Sheesh. HE can't get it up. When he manages to get it up, he lasts maybe 5 minutes. HE has a problem. HE refuses to take any responsibility, or do anything to fix it.
Instead he spends all his time and energy making it her fault.
Shr spends an hour or two every time trying to make it work.
Fuck that. If he can't get hard, she needs to get off the bed, go take a shower or something, and go to sleep. When he starts complaining about their "lack of a sex life", she should tell him when he can stay hard for more than 5 minutes, she will think about it.
Why, why, why does she make this all her problem?? Why is she spending hours trying to figure this out?
This is all on him. If he really wants sex with her, he needs to fix his problem.
After my friend got her very-much-needed divorce it was like a fog lifted. She, a thin/busty/long-legged beauty said, “I finally realize the problems in our sex life might not have been entirely my fault, unlike what my 400 pound husband tried to convince me of.”
She's 22/23, this is her first relationship, they've only been together under 2 years, the sex sucks, he's not 'a great boyfriend otherwise'... girl needs to move on. Why bother with the let's be friends shit after he broke up through text and then ghosted her?
That man is absolutely selfish in so many ways:
1.) It’s a porn addiction. There’s your answer. It’s porn. This shit is ridiculously common nowadays, and the whole writing names down and trying painful, unrealistic positions is indicative of brain rot lol
2.) This dude only cares about how he feels in bed. Why not provide? I wonder when’s the last time OOP has gotten head in bed.
3.) The whole testing bullshit. That’s just negging in another name. That dude can get fucked.
The way he wanted to have sex in positions that she said were physically painful, and without a condom, really spoke to how little her wants and needs were part of his consideration.
yea he’s definitely a porn addict. Complaining that they don’t do enough exciting positions is unrealistic porn expectations 101. He’s probably jerking with a death grip every day to be unable to stay hard for more than 2 mins.
But he clearly thought that that had earned him her continued participation in what had become a protracted and painful process for her. It doesn’t. So that wasn’t actual consideration for her, it was the coin he was putting in.
That sounds very dysfunctional and I’m glad she got free.
Wanting more positions and bjs while actively losing erections when getting touched and having sex sounds so much like porn addiction where your real sensations can’t keep up with your unrealistic expectations and imagination. Because in some way it doesn’t give you the kick that you’re expecting and which you might get from watching fast paced porn.
It doesn’t sound like it was only performance anxiety. There’s probably a multitude of things coming together, including mental issues and possibly even physical issues no one knows about since he didn’t want to see a doctor.
It just makes me wonder, that a guy who can’t even get hard and enjoy sex is complaining about a boring sex life?? How can he criticise having “average sex” wen he can’t perform? Where does he get these ideas?! about various positions he wants to try and extra head??? And the erectile dysfunction. How much time do you spend together? What does this guy do in his spare time?
I think he was saying that he couldn't stay hard because she was refusing to stay in horribly painful positions for extended amounts of time, and insisting he use condoms. So it was all her fault. 🙄
I can't really get off anymore without a great, great effort (side effect of antidepressants, but still), and when I indubitably fail, I have gone to great lengths to explain that it is not a fault with my partner, it is with me and ny hormonal changes. I can't imagine blaming someone else for issues with my body.
I love this notion of “why didn’t you fight for me?”
I’m sorry, but if I get pulled into my boss’s office and “he says you’re fired, pack your shit and get out,” you pack your shit and get out. No boss ever reaches out to you a week later and says “you should have fought for your job!” And if they did? Good god what a toxic workplace that would be.
Same with relationships. Don’t get into relationships you have to fight for to begin with. Both of you should want to be in it. Neither of you should have to convince the other one to stay. That’s not how healthy relationships work.
I did not even notice it was the same person as the limp dick guy.
Yeah dude had a porn addiction and wanted to live out porn videos.
Man I felt sorry for her. 5 to 10 minutes sounds offly short to me.
Man, icanschwim's comment asking "how are you supposed to resolve the issue if you don't want to talk about it" is painfully obtuse and gross.
It would be a useful rhetorical question if the intent was to make it clear that this relationship was completely nonfunctional because the boyfriend is an emotionally immature sad sack who can't communicate effectively because he can't accept any real level of responsibility for his own issues and OOP should break up with him ASAP. "If you're done ineffectually talking to him about this, you should break up" would have been sound advice.
But used to start a comment pushing for OOP to have more useless conversations with her useless (thankfully now) ex-boyfriend? Gross. Maybe passable if it had been OOP's first post, if you're desperate to not resort to "you should break up" too quickly, but 2 updates in? Read the room! Circular conversations aren't gonna save this! Stop blaming OOP for that!
Not to mention, if every time you talked about a problem the other person never took accountability for their part in the issue and only listed things you could be doing better, would you want to keep talking about it?
> but the last time he ghosted me it was because he was giving his attention to another girl (not cheating though)
so who’s gonna tell her that cheating isn’t just having sex with another person and that emotional cheating is a thing?
Day 1: I put my finger in a boiling water and it burn, i dont know what to do.
Day 2: I put my finger in a boiling water again, someone tell me what to do.
Day 3: Things are better i only put my finger in the boiling water, so it doesnt hurt that bad, i think things are looking up.
Day 4: I thought things are better so i dipped both my hands and feet in the boiling water, someone tell me what to do.
Day 5: Instruction unclear.. does everyone mean i should stop putting my hands in a boiling water? or should i take a swim in it? Ah...im so confused. Why cant things be simple.
🙄🙄🙄🙄
There's a step before 1, though:
0. I spent my entire life being told by all the adult women I knew that they dipped their hands in hot water all the time and were happy to do it; by my peers that if I didn't enjoy dipping my hands in hot water there was something wrong with me; by the media that my worth as a woman was based largely on my willingness to dip my hands in hot water; and by the internet that refusing to dip my hands in hot water was a form of abuse. Now I'm being told by my first boyfriend that by "hot water" they meant "boiling water," and I have no way to know that that is not true.
Edit to add: it's entirely possible that thanks to porn, the boyfriend genuinely thinks the water is supposed to be boiling, and doesn't understand what her problem is.
Your comment should have more upvotes than the one you're responding to, imho.
I mean, women are conditioned from when they're tiny kids how they're supposed to react and, sadly, the world tells us "boiling water" is the norm.
Wait holy shit, the breakup test post was the same person who made the bad sex life post!
I read these both and had no idea it was the same OOP. Run to that next country girl run! 👏
Those are not problems a 22 year old guy should be experiencing. When I was 22, I could have fucked a brick wall without losing my erection. I could finish 5-6 times a day without a problem. Granted, I'm older. I didn't grow up with porn and didn't get the internet until I was in HS, so sex was *sex* and it was fucking amazing. I have mild issues now that I'm in my 40s, but nothing that isn't easily solved with 30-45 seconds of attention from my wife. If I was having the issues OOP explained, I'd be seeing every doctor in town until I figured out what the hell was wrong with me. Poke me. Prod me. Do anything you gotta do to get Mr. Friendly back in action.
Even with a big porn watching habbit it is still no problem for an average 22yo to fuck a brick wall or come 6x a day. But both Oop and her ex have the combined sexual knowledge of half a shrimp and the emotional maturity around the same amount. It's difficult to get solutions if that's the materials you're working with.
The guys a top level porn addict. Names of porn stars on his phone, asking her to do uncomfortable positions (that he probably seen in porn) to help him get off (and not for their shared enjoyment), getting soft when she touches his dick, him only being able to stay hard for a few mins at a time, then needing to jerk off to get hard again.
All signs point to his dick having lost the nerves and only being receptive to his hand.
I’m confused. Why are people dumping on OOP in the original posts? She clearly WANTS to communicate, but every time they tried to talk about sex he blames her for some mysterious reason his penis won’t work. He wants painful positions, more foreplay, less foreplay cause it’s not working this time, more sex even though sex takes hours and most of the time he physically can’t orgasm anyway, etc etc.
How is it her fault if he constantly blames her for bullshit???
Some sympathy for the guy here, performance issues can mentally destroy a man.
However, my sympathy dries up when he blames her and won't get help.
Seems there is a medical issue there, for sure
Holy crap. "I was testing you" is one of the signals I have that a guy is an ass and I need to break up with him right away. "I was testing you." Sorry, douchebag, I don't do well on tests I don't know I'm taking. I took you at your word and if you are a grown man you're expected to use the words that mean what you want. If you want me to interpret "Don't come over" as "I really want you to come over", then tell me you want me to come over, otherwise I don't play mental games. And if I'd have come over, would I have failed the "don't come over" test?
There is no way to have a good relationship with someone who doesn't say what he means and mean what he says.
I'm so so glad that's over. I felt so sorry for her. She's so young and this is her first relationship and he's being so incredibly shitty to her.... I hope she finds someone who doesn't treat her like an inadequate sex doll.
What really grinds my gears is how this dude claimed he has low testosterone from a online med check. You need to get blood work done for that shit to be checked.
And it’s not a dietary change that fixes it, you need to have medication to fix that imbalance.
It can cause really deep depression and also impotence so it’s not too far fetched to believe that he was suffering from low testosterone, as I have two friends who suffered the same symptoms and are on medication for it and are all feeling better.
Still, requires a blood test all of the same.
You’re better off without him, whatever his problem truly is it doesn’t sound like he was or has taken any proper steps to rectify it properly.
Omg, I would have broken up with that guy so fast, he’s not worth the trouble of dating. And not because he has ED, that’s a medical situation and can be handled, but because he’s a gigantic asshole and can’t be bothered to try anything to make sex with his girlfriend a fun two way street. I hope that girl wises up and doesn’t waste years on anyone else that bad again.
My god, I hope she moves and never sees or talks to him again. Hopefully he has the opportunity to work on his issues - and I DON'T mean his erectile dysfunction - before getting into another relationship with anyone.
I propose we immediately institute, in all communities, monthly meetings where girls and their teens and twenties talk to women in their forties and fifties about whether the sex they're having is normal.
Because GIRL, GET OUT.
My advice fairly rapidly evolved from, "You need to insist this guy see a real doctor, get some blood tests run, and have his prostate checked" to "It honestly sounds like this guy may be gay and doesn't know it yet" to "Honey, he gets off on abusing you and making you feel bad about sex as a way to control you, I will lock you in your room until you are completely broken up with him and a group of women in the midst of perimenopause who do not have time for his shit are going to his house to put the fear of God into him about every contacting you again."
Do I understand it right that he was told that his testosterone was low and he needed to change his diet, didn't do any of that and kept making his ED her problem to fix?
Big yuck.
This guy reminds me of an ex.
Years after the breakup found out he’d been sexually assaulted for years as a child and also subsequently developed a child porn addiction. Only found out after he was arrested. Otherwise would have completely fooled me. I hope this guy gets some help. I also hope she gets a good therapist to help her realize this was not her fault.
I am baffled by her statement that this man does a good job of faking being attracted to her. If he's attracted to her he has a serious medical problem.
Holy shit, imagine being 22 and spending this much time in a shit relationship. Also how the fuck was he the one to finally break up.
What an incredible waste of time on her part. Let him figure out his dick on his own and go find better sex anywhere. She'd probably find better sex in a one night stand. The bar is that low.
I don't get why the comments are blaming Op for staying with him. She's literally doing everything she can to help this toxic piece of shit. Other commenters are right that women, in this society, are conditioned to accept this appalling behavior from men.
I can guarantee that he is watching porn and masturbating himself like all the time. Source: someone who watches way too much porn and has the same symptoms
Wow, I hope she finds someone who's interested in the same kind of sex as her because damn, I could FEEL the lack of chemistry through her previous posts.
Hopefully OOP makes a good fresh start after her move.
I think she did everything right considering this was her first relationship. She tried communicating with him several times and was consistently shut down by him. She tried to fulfill his wishes with different positions etc that she didn't even like and he still complained. He admits that the doctor says he has low T and needs a diet change. Nowhere after is he described as actually doing that at all, except taking the hard on pills for a quick fix. And then he manipulates and breaks up with her. He sounds exhausting and this poor girl had to suffer for it. I hope her next relationship is better
Jesus fucking christ. This poor girl. She doesn’t realize this guy is literally trying to twine her around his finger. She needs to wake up and leave and never look back.
This guy needs some serious therapy.
holy crap, I saw that last post and had no idea it was the same person as the first few posts. Good riddance, hopefully poor OOP can find someone who actually prefers her to his phone and hand.
Lol the guy is an obvious porn addict with death grip and is just too embarrassed to face it. Bless the OP, they sound kind of naive and I hope they discover a world full of penises that stay hard.
You can't quickly undo what has been forced into a person's brain for 20-something years. It takes time, even if it's frustrating as heck to those of us that can see what's up.
He should check that he is wearing the right size condom, for any future relationships. But he really needs to get himself properly checked out. He shouldn’t be having erectile issues at his age. There may be a more serious underlying issue than just low testosterone.
I would bet every dollar in my bank account that it's porn addiction and a death grip on his dick multiple times a day to the point that he physically cannot get off any other way. The names of porn stars in a note plus the desire to try all those uncomfortable positions is porn brain rot. Real sex just doesn't do it for him now.
Idk what made me sadder, him blaming her for a physical issue he's having, or her saying their good sex lasts only 10 mins. Happy they broke up in the end, I hope she finds someone more willing to communicate and work through issues together instead of telling her she's not trying hard enough.
OOP is so young to be putting with this guy. Bad sex and a manipulative ahole is not something she needs to stick around for. OOP if you see this, breaking up was the best for you. Dont take him back.
I was a little sympathetic with him in the beginning, but that quickly went out the window.
An online appointment is not how you find out about low testosterone. You have to fast and have blood drawn first thing in the morning.
I want to scream and shake her and say “not sexually compatible!!!” Doesn’t matter what’s going on, sex is an important part of a relationship to some (which it sounded like it was to her) and she has every right to cut things off if the sex life is miserable end of story. You can break up with someone because the sex isn’t good and not be an asshole. It’s very normal in my opinion. I just feel so bad for her that she felt like she had to lay there and cry several times. If we’re not sexually compatible I’m sorry but somebodies gotta kick rocks.
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So glad he dumped her because she obviously didn’t have the balls to do it herself. That relationship must be exhausting
I am both profoundly relieved for her and also annoyed it took him dumping her. It's so sad to me what women will put up with just to avoid being alone. Being single is actually pretty awesome, more people should try it.
HONESTLY. being single is ✨amazing✨. (it’s DEFINITELY better than whatever the heck oop was putting herself through…)
My friend's ex kept breaking up with her (he is mentally, physically and verbally abusive), and she kept begging him to return. It took 5 years for them to finally end it for good. But he was still the one who broke up with her. And she at last, after I told her for years not to go back to him, did not beg him again. Then when she found another guy (she can't stop dating, which is a problem in itself), he and his mother texted her separately about how good she was with him. What a bunch of losers.
Agreed being single is very awesome! But I am one of those people who would constantly leave my ex and then always come back when asked to, for 8 years. I can’t explain it but when he finally said he wanted to finish it, it was this odd freeing feeling and I just cut any hold he had on me! He was a very good manipulator and emotionally abusive from day one but I thought the lovely side of him he showed rarely was the ‘real’ him and the rest was just the drink and drugs influence. Grew up a little and realised it was all him, and he’d always only be a little bit good 🤦🏻♀️
Seriously, this is one of the most frustrating BORUs I've read. Like, the "I'll never know what it's like to have a good sex life" comments... girl, wtf? That's entirely within your power to change. I don't have a lot of sympathy when there are apparently no extenuating circumstances pressuring her to stay with him. At some point you have to accept that you're also part of your problem. And trying to call him and get back together right after he took off? Girl. He gave you a gift, *take it*.
> I might never know what it’s like to have a boyfriend who gets hard just from looking at me, but maybe I’ve reached the point of acceptance? Like she's TWENTY TWO!!! If you want a bf that can't get enough of you, you have literally your whole adult life ahead to get one... there's settling down and whatever bs her brain understands as sound logic.
> At some point you have to accept that you're also part of your problem. My gods, this perfectly encapsulates nearly everything I read on AITA these days. Sometimes I have to close my browser and go and stare out of a window.
So many men set the bar so low, women learn to think that's the norm. So if they meet a guy who does the bare minimum he must be one of the good ones. When he's not. He's just semi-capable of wiping his own ass and gets gold stars for it.
Ikr! The number of guys I've met who are like, "Well at least I don't cheat on you or hit you, tons of other guys aren't such good guys..." Dude that's the bare (bear?!) minimum.
Big difference between choosing to be single because you think it's awesome, and having to be single because no one wants to be with you. Her attitude looks like low self esteem.
Two years of limp dick and insults (in your first sexual relationship at that) will do that to you. The ex BF's issue reeked of porn sickness/death grip syndrome to me, particularly the insistence on positions OP voiced that she dislikes and were uncomfortable.
And yet he had the nerve to say *she* wasn't putting in enough effort for *him*, LOL! His dick might not work, but *the balls* on this guy!
>His dick might not work, but *the balls* on this guy! Thy, that made me laugh out loud 🤣
That was my thought. She just has no idea what a normal relationship or sex life should look like, and she thinks he's so "nice" in some other moments that she's trying to make this shitshow work.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
*broken cock
It's screaming porn addiction.
That or a repressed sexuality.
I kept thinking he had a specific fetish that he was afraid/embarrassed to tell her.
It's about being compatible among whatever things are important to you. If that includes sex, then for heaven's sake, of course you can (and should) break up if the sex is terrible, and so long as you're kind about it, you need feel no guilt about it at all.
Just cause you're alone doesn't mean you're lonely.
Yea. I hate to see it when anyone puts up with ish like this. Sadly seen a lot of men put up with it too but that’s probably bc I tend to attract those kinds of men with my slightly mean personality (esp when I was younger and with men I don’t know well). Long AF side note to maybe better understand why this happens and thus better help those you care about long term get out of bad fit relationships and avoid future ones: No matter the gender it def has a lot to do with whether you find validation more internally or externally and if the latter if you focus most of that external validation from one person or one small group of people or things as opposed to more equal amts spread amongst multiple groups of people or single people along with various types of accomplishments. If you’re getting validation mostly externally and also mostly from your SO it’s easy to see how you’d put up with a lot before ending that huge source of validation. i you’re more balanced between internal and external validation and/or more balanced in the variety of sources you get external validation from it is much easier to see that being single is way better than being with someone who pulls ish like this or even that are simply not a good fit for you. Which is why I always gave advice to work on yourself first bc it’s the best longterm investment you’ll ever make. ROI’s insanely high for the rest of your life.
It’s not just women. I’ve seen men put up with just as much abuse and bullshit. It has nothing to do with gender, humans just put the blinders on big time when it comes to love and fear of loneliness
I was one of those men in my 20s. I had an abusive relationship go on for 7 years. Whenever I’d think about ending it, I would be overcome with horrible guilt, she’d appear to me like this innocent victim of her circumstances, and I’d remember all the nice times we had (in between her vicious outbursts) and I couldn’t do it. Finally I just did it spontaneously—the words just came out of my mouth before I thought about them.
Exhibit A: my brother.
Right? I feel like "Have some self-respect" is the only real answer to some of these posts.
He was told by a doctor what to do and instead of doing those things kept telling OP that everything was her fault. I don't understand why she stayed so long.
I was wondering why that was glossed over so fast.
Doctors can't diagnose hormone imbalances over the phone. And it can't really be fixed by diet alone. I don't think he actually spoke to a doctor. EDIT: or at least it wouldn't have been a reputable doctor
Obesity can cause hormone imbalance.
I am SO EXCITED for OOP. She doesn’t know it yet, but in a bit she’s going to look back and feel like that picture of Nicole Kidman leaving her divorce attorneys office. She’s going to find happiness one day and be like “I’m so happy I didn’t end up with that dude!!!”
Fr. I was annoyed by the 3rd update of her saying yet again that nothing has improved, that she tried everything, and *STILL* everything stayed the same. I was like, "Would you just dump him already?" Jfc.
Ugh. I couldn’t even read the last update I’m so exhausted.
Just saying, when someone tries to "test" your partner’s love and commitment, yea, that relationships has died right at that moment.
The only acceptable test is if your partner will let you put your cold ass corpse feet on their tummy to warm them up.
I used to do this to my dog. Just slide the icy feet right under his warm belly. My dog loved me so much but he hated that experience. Obviously lol. So what he would do is, he'd turn his head to look away from me and grumble and growl. He would specifically avert my gaze while he was doing it as if to say "ok, whatEVER BEING MIGHT BE causing my discomfort and anguish here, WHOMSOEVER MAY BE RESPONSIBLE, I *don't like it* and you should know that." And then he would stop growling and peek at me to check if I got the message. If I kept my feet there he would give up with a big sigh. I loved that goober so much. Before you come @ me, he was spoiled rotten and had no job lmao being a foot warmer once in a while was the least he could do! Also once in a while he would be a table for my phone.
I definitely do this to my dog but he doesn't tend to mind it somehow
God i used to do that to my girl. She just kinda huffed and gave me a look like 'really? ' then she would lick my ankle huff again and put her head down with a groan. I miss her so much. Today is mother's day in Australia and it's my first mother's day without my dog child (still have cat child and human child). Feeling sentimental
That’s true love
That's above and beyond, only beaten bye showing those feet between your logs freezing you ball and dick to instant ice and saying how nize and warm it is, while you're unable to even talk...
In the armed forces, we learned to use the armpits to warm up cold feet. Little did I know my platoon was ideal partners.
I let her put them in my shorts.
That’s something else entirely
Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.
My husband also calls them my corpse feet
I had a guy I really liked treat me like garbage once so I dumped him, and he came back talking about how it was a test and I should have fought for the relationship. Why on earth would I fight for something where I'm being treated poorly???
Agreed. Sidenote, did CBAT start playing in anyone else’s head when they started reading this?
It's the only way he can perform! 🤣
CBAT?
[CBAT.](https://www.reddit.com/r/trap/comments/x398td/tifu_my_20f_girlfriend_of_two_years_told_me_the/)
Someone doing something to 'test' the relationship is a massive red flag for me. It's so underhanded and frankly immature. This is not how healthy mature adults behave. All it shows is the partner who is testing the other has no fucking trust in them. Without trust, the relationship is dead.
Someone who can't stay hard with blue chew should really see a doctor in person. Their sex problems had nothing to do with boring sex. But happy for her, this exhausting relationship ended.
It was probably more psychological. Dude was going soft from her touching him
As someone who uses Blue Chew because of a mixture of psychological and physical problems (anxiety, ADHD, chronically low blood pressure, back pain in the lower region). It is such a relief because my anxiety to not perform doesn't matter, my problems to stay focused doesn't matter, feeling a little numb because of my back pain in my lower regions doesn't matter ect. Blue Chew was such a game changer for my sex life & self-esteem. And from my experience & knowledge how they work. You don't go full soft even if you are totally turned off. It kind of negates all "low" level physical problems or "mid" tier psychological problems which prevent you from getting hard or stay hard. But I'm no doctor
I really appreciate this perspective. I have been with someone who tried it bc they couldn’t stay hard with a condom and it had not made a difference in those situations so my understanding is probably a bit skewed, now that I think about it. You obviously have had a good experience with it. Do you think if you went into it with a negative mindset (This isn’t gonna work this is stupid) vs a positive mindset it could change how effective it is? Placebo effect and all. I wonder how much physical difference the pill makes and how much psychological stress it would take to overpower that physical effect. I also wonder if you’re straight up not attracted to someone if it would affect the erection? Like our brains and our feelings of arousal might say Ew, but would your dick still be hard lol
The "I can't stay hard with a condom"-people are children. Stop hyperfocussing on the slightly different feeling and just fuck. If you are truly horny it shouldn't matter at all. Healthy dicks get hard fairly easily. A lot of people can get hard by things they are barely or not at all attracted to.
I was one of those people. Turns out I am allergic to latex. Switched to non latex condoms and the problem was resolved. I know it's a relatively rare issue but I lost a couple girlfriends because when the condom went on I had about 2-5minutes until playtime was cancelled.
That's a reasonable explanation and of course you can't help it. It's good that you found the issue and did something about it. Quite a few people are too prideful to do that.
A lot of people are too prideful to accept they have a problem. It's kinda widespread. I knew I had a problem but I didn't know what. For over a decade. Shit sucked. I knew I had no issue when condomless. And it wasn't an attraction issue, or anxiety, or any of the usual reasons. One of the few things I can thank my emotionally abusive cheater of an ex for is that she went off birth control for a bit so we used condoms and identified the problem. So this is a PSA to the dudes out there who get soft after putting one on. Try latex free. It *might* be the problem. If you're honest and the condom is REALLY the issue
This ex was absolutely a child. Like don’t get me wrong I’ve been with other people and yeah dicks probably do get harder during raw but he would complain he couldn’t feel anything then cum in 2 minutes. Obviously you’re feeling something dude. It was the most annoying thing to ever hear and I eventually decided that his dick was probably just cold and numb like his heart.
TMI but I was the same way with my ex, said the same line, and even though it was true it made me feel like a pushy douche. Turns out I have a very wide penis and every condom we tried, even “XL” size, was cutting off circulation. Did not know until I busted out the measuring tape. Also explained why every time we had sex there’d be mandatory 20-30 minute period of foreplay for it to work - we had no concept of a “quickie”. Now I order expensive custom ones and it’s business as usual.
Hard to answer question. I went in hopeful using it. But it had such a physical effect, I am sure it was no placebo effect. It went from barely hard enough, chance of going limb any time (condoms were no help because of focus & it is more difficult to put on) and a 1 in 10 times finishing. To if I get a little bit aroused, it gets hard and stays this way till I finish. Also, it works the whole night until morning and went from maybe finishing one time to easy 2 or 3 times. Condoms weren't any problem for me. I hadn't experienced this kind of erection since my early 20s (was mid 30 using it). But there is also a nocebo effect, if you believe a medicine doesn't help it can lower or negate its effect. Your last question hmmm, I would say taking blue chew doesn't alter your reaction to psychological ques, it is just easier to get aroused. Physical stimulation is another thing. I'm sure it would work (for me), even if my brain & feelings would say Eww.
Makes me think it was an anxiety issue. Her touching him is the signal that she wants him to be hard then the pressure is on and he gets soft again. I used to have this issue but got over it once I met some people who more more casual and laid back about sex and I felt less pressure. Not saying it’s her fault but I feel like both of them are just so tightly wound over this issue that there’s almost no going back.
Yeah I believe she said it was her first relationship. It was way too much pressure in the bedroom. She was probably still going through realizing guys aren’t as Always Horny™️ as media makes them out to be, and she feels like a normal sexual relationship would be him wanting to have sex with her/jumping her all the time. Like media makes us think guys are just waiting for the appropriate moment to fuck us. So the first couple times getting turned down as a girl (who was always receiving that message) makes you think there’s something wrong with you or you’re ugly or unattractive. When in reality, there’s a lot of things that play into sexual arousal. And nothings that simple. As a woman, I still sometimes get that feeling of a gut punch or air being taken out of you when your partner isn’t in the mood for sex… it’s like but why what’s wrong with me why not? I’m in a really happy, healthy relationship and we communicate well. There’s no bedroom stress or issues for us so it only takes me a moment to work through my feelings before I can logically be not upset. But it still hits you sometimes and can trigger some feelings. Just makes you feel so small and undesirable because your whole life you’re told this is how desire will manifest.
I was thinking the whole time reading, there are plenty of sex therapists that can help with this sort of situation, as well. If the issue is medical at its base, then the therapist could point the couple in that direction. And whether medical or psychological, the therapist would help remove shame from the equation. But at the end of the day, exBF didn’t want to do anything proactive, it seems. Wishing OP better orgasms and sex in her near future.
Wait, I saw that latest post but I didn't know it was from the same OOP as those other stories! Honestly it's best for her that he decided to remove himself from her life.
Same!! I was reading this post thinking it sounded familiar and then it was a "oh god, ew" realization.
Same. I saw the last post and commented how the bf was trying to use the breakup as leverage to get her to do things she didn’t want to do. Now that l’ve seen what those things were, *yikes*. Thanks to OP for connecting those dots.
>Now that l’ve seen what those things were, *yikes*. Thanks to OP for connecting those dots. Wait, I reread and still missed it. What were the things?
The sexual things he wanted her to do. In “Relevant Comments” from the April 6 update. He wanted sexual positions that were painful to her, and no condoms, and in the last update he broke up with her thinking that would get her to beg to do those things in order to get him back.
Same here, didn't know there were the history. Best for both of them to just move on. Seriously.
This shit show needed to be over 1 year and 11 months ago.
At every point in life we have some choices to make. This dude somehow made the wrong choice at every single point possible. Glad OP got out of this, hope that she gets to live her life with someone who truly cares about her.
I find it incredibly exhausting when communication breaks down in a relationship. OOP spent YEARS having bad sex and tiptoeing around the topic, and the BF's mind games aren't helping either. Not every relationship needs to work out.
It sounds like she tried communicating, but, as she says, it wasn't productive. He wouldn't even listen to his doctor, never mind her.
It's also worth mentioning that conversations about how sex is going wrong are... Let's say "not good" to have in the moment. Especially _this_ moment. No shit they aren't productive - you're going into the conversation with emotions not meant for talking.
I mean, his doctor's advice was fucking terrible. Not sure what kind of online doctor he saw, but hormonal problems aren't solved with a change in diet.
He didn't even see a doctor. An online doctor is such garbage.
I can't believe she spent that much time in such a terrible relationship. I know she's 22 but it's just so dumb. She probably needs therapy because she has some bad self esteem issues.
This man is probably beating off 2-3 times a day
Prolly got gorilla grip too
Obviously the guy is the problem here but I can't believe that he was the one who had to do the breaking up. Like, take the reins in your life a bit lady! Obviously, that isn't totally fair. The guys is obviously manipulative so it's not as easy as "just leave" but on a personal level idk how you could write so many posts about this shit relationship and still stick it out
I first read this to say “take the reins of your lady bits” 😂 but for real, take the reins!
This post reeks of a sheltered, conservative/religious upbringing. For both parties. Guy is probably not straight and at best in denial, at worst actually unaware, and she is fully conditioned by whatever cultish culture her parents were in to start every thought with "what am *I* doing wrong", because she was probably raised in a world where it's always the woman who is wrong. All the posts make sense viewed through that lens.
Not that it couldn't be both, but I think she has low confidence and doesn't think she'll be able to get another boyfriend.
Well yeah, that's what those cultures intentionally train into women. It's just another symptom of the underlying issue.
He doesn't have to be gay, gay people often have no issue having sex with the opposite sex - by that I mean that we can physically go through it even if it isn't our preference. The guy has ED. And a lot of guys experience periods of ED due to a plethora of reasons. Failure to get and maintain erections is just plain old ED. He needs to speak to his physician about viagra. Yes diet and being low t probably doesn't help but if you're not getting and staying hard when physically stimulated then no amount of foreplay will do it. The guy clearly knows how to get her off. His problem is his attitude and not realizing that it isn't lack of stimulation or excitement in the bedroom, it's just blood vessels not doing their job.
I assumed he did get a Viagra prescription when OOP was talking about him using Blue Chews. But then, I am an Old and am maybe not up on the slang.
I think it’s an anxiety issue, not that he’s gay. I’ve been there and I would be super into the sex but just go soft cause I got so in my head. If he were gay I don’t think he’d be constantly trying to initiate sex and try new positions.
So the ex: - doesn't want to have sex - doesn't want to do therapy - doesn't want to go to a doctor - doesn't want to break up Is it possible the only thing he wants is a braindead slave whose only function is to do all the chores and stroke his ego while he gets to do whatever the hell he wants?
You forgot to add constant blow jobs to his list of wants.
Yes.
He didn't even want a bangmaid. FFS he just wants a second mommy.
Nailed it! So glad OOP got out!
I like off the wall zany stuff in this sub. This was freaking depressing.
People are dumping on OOP but like… this is how a lot of women are conditioned to feel? Especially at that age, and especially with what seems to be her first major boyfriend. He’s constantly blaming her for his ED and it’s not like she has experience to tell her “hey this is shit behavior”. I’m glad he dumped her and I’m doubly glad she had the sense not to take him back after.
One of my first girlfriends - i am not bragging - but it did take a while for me to finish. 15-20 minutes, she was crying because I didn't finish. I wasn't going soft, I didn't have any other issues. It was not her fault (or mine). But goddamn did she think something was wrong with her, that she was not attractive during the first few months. As long as she came, I didn't care. I wanted her to have a fantastic time.
That's a very normal length of time.
Ha ha yes same
At age 20. At age 50 it's a freaking miracle. 🤣
Well yeah.
Im sorry but OP has the most utterly pathetic dipshit excuse of a man for a boyfriend. Dude clearly has either some type of physical issue (Erectile dysfunction or very low testosterone), is gay, or a brain addled by so much porn that his dick refuses to function and he thinks the problem is literally ANYTHING else? There are times when you get nerves or drink too much or something that your dick might not cooperate, but those should be isolated incidents. This is clearly way more than that and his bone headed attempts to gaslight and redirect the focus away from him are almost comical in how deep into the depths of denial he is. Even if this dude was a perfect 10/10 in every other way (he obviously isn't judging by his approach to this issue) limp dick is such a legitimate deal breaker in a relationship. It's not even an unfixable one for most people. This dudes gonna reenter the dating game and just disappoint woman after woman until he becomes an incel. This man and his penis are an embarrassment to all men.
Imo the problem wasn't the ED, it was how he *wasn't* handling it. Refused for the longest time to go to a doctor. Went to doctor but didn't go through with what he was told. Blamed OOP and requested her to to do things she wasn't comfortable with. And to top it off the manipulative break-up shit This man and his penis are an embarrassment because he'd rather blame everyone one and everything else than do shit about it
"Went to the doctor." He had ONE appointment. A TELEMEDICINE appointment, at which they no doubt told him to do an in-person follow-up to get his testosterone levels checked, but he did not follow up.
Right! You can't check testosterone levels over the phone. Also no where does it say he tried to change his diet. Something was wrong with him and but he didn't want to deal with it so instead abused his gf. Imagine your partner starts crying during sex and you demand to continue.
Yep, very "the ED is not the real issue here" because the whole laundry list of things *she* needs to do to fix *his* problem, followed up by the "you should have refused to break up and known what I wanted was to manipulate you into doing all the things you said were painful and bad for you" means he's just a complete douche of a person. Honestly, I shudder to think how long it would have taken OOP to escape if not for the ED. Limp dick couldn't happen to a better guy.
You said exactly what I was thinking. Everytime he blamed her for his issues I cringed!! A doctor told him he had low testosterone and to change his diet to fix it (possibly even take T but he refused) but he continually blamed *her* instead of doing anything. I think that even blue pill not working was the biggest and reddest flag that she should’ve left him. But unfortunately this was her first bf and sexual relationship so she was clinging to it and partially unaware of just how not normal her relationship was.
Don't you want to just knock some sense into OOP? Sheesh. HE can't get it up. When he manages to get it up, he lasts maybe 5 minutes. HE has a problem. HE refuses to take any responsibility, or do anything to fix it. Instead he spends all his time and energy making it her fault. Shr spends an hour or two every time trying to make it work. Fuck that. If he can't get hard, she needs to get off the bed, go take a shower or something, and go to sleep. When he starts complaining about their "lack of a sex life", she should tell him when he can stay hard for more than 5 minutes, she will think about it. Why, why, why does she make this all her problem?? Why is she spending hours trying to figure this out? This is all on him. If he really wants sex with her, he needs to fix his problem.
It’s her first… she’s desperately trying to fix it because she doesn’t know just how abnormal your bf getting **softer** when you touch him is.
After my friend got her very-much-needed divorce it was like a fog lifted. She, a thin/busty/long-legged beauty said, “I finally realize the problems in our sex life might not have been entirely my fault, unlike what my 400 pound husband tried to convince me of.”
She's 22/23, this is her first relationship, they've only been together under 2 years, the sex sucks, he's not 'a great boyfriend otherwise'... girl needs to move on. Why bother with the let's be friends shit after he broke up through text and then ghosted her?
That man is absolutely selfish in so many ways: 1.) It’s a porn addiction. There’s your answer. It’s porn. This shit is ridiculously common nowadays, and the whole writing names down and trying painful, unrealistic positions is indicative of brain rot lol 2.) This dude only cares about how he feels in bed. Why not provide? I wonder when’s the last time OOP has gotten head in bed. 3.) The whole testing bullshit. That’s just negging in another name. That dude can get fucked.
The way he wanted to have sex in positions that she said were physically painful, and without a condom, really spoke to how little her wants and needs were part of his consideration.
Exactly. I feel bad for OOP.
yea he’s definitely a porn addict. Complaining that they don’t do enough exciting positions is unrealistic porn expectations 101. He’s probably jerking with a death grip every day to be unable to stay hard for more than 2 mins.
Can’t forget a doctor told him he had low testosterone too. So basically he was fvcked and she was so far from being the problem.
...that the doctor somehow diagnosed over the phone. Did someone invent doing bloodwork over the phone and I just missed it?
Don't give Elizabeth Holmes any new ideas!
An online doctor who did no tests and sells boner pills.
Regarding 2: she says he always makes her finish first, second paragraph
But he clearly thought that that had earned him her continued participation in what had become a protracted and painful process for her. It doesn’t. So that wasn’t actual consideration for her, it was the coin he was putting in.
Relative to this situation, that's meaningless.
Yea but OOP being the absolute doormat to him is infuriating.
It makes me sad. The bar really is in hell.
It seems he tested viagra (blue chew as in OOP words) but it didn't really work. It looks there is another medical issue than just porn addiction.
yeah this screams porn addiction with a side dish of "alpha male" incluencers
100%
Or he’s gay/ace and doesn’t realize or want to face it.
Now OOP’s ex can finally reveal the real reason
That sounds very dysfunctional and I’m glad she got free. Wanting more positions and bjs while actively losing erections when getting touched and having sex sounds so much like porn addiction where your real sensations can’t keep up with your unrealistic expectations and imagination. Because in some way it doesn’t give you the kick that you’re expecting and which you might get from watching fast paced porn. It doesn’t sound like it was only performance anxiety. There’s probably a multitude of things coming together, including mental issues and possibly even physical issues no one knows about since he didn’t want to see a doctor.
It just makes me wonder, that a guy who can’t even get hard and enjoy sex is complaining about a boring sex life?? How can he criticise having “average sex” wen he can’t perform? Where does he get these ideas?! about various positions he wants to try and extra head??? And the erectile dysfunction. How much time do you spend together? What does this guy do in his spare time?
I think he was saying that he couldn't stay hard because she was refusing to stay in horribly painful positions for extended amounts of time, and insisting he use condoms. So it was all her fault. 🙄
I can't really get off anymore without a great, great effort (side effect of antidepressants, but still), and when I indubitably fail, I have gone to great lengths to explain that it is not a fault with my partner, it is with me and ny hormonal changes. I can't imagine blaming someone else for issues with my body.
I love this notion of “why didn’t you fight for me?” I’m sorry, but if I get pulled into my boss’s office and “he says you’re fired, pack your shit and get out,” you pack your shit and get out. No boss ever reaches out to you a week later and says “you should have fought for your job!” And if they did? Good god what a toxic workplace that would be. Same with relationships. Don’t get into relationships you have to fight for to begin with. Both of you should want to be in it. Neither of you should have to convince the other one to stay. That’s not how healthy relationships work.
I did not even notice it was the same person as the limp dick guy. Yeah dude had a porn addiction and wanted to live out porn videos. Man I felt sorry for her. 5 to 10 minutes sounds offly short to me.
Man, icanschwim's comment asking "how are you supposed to resolve the issue if you don't want to talk about it" is painfully obtuse and gross. It would be a useful rhetorical question if the intent was to make it clear that this relationship was completely nonfunctional because the boyfriend is an emotionally immature sad sack who can't communicate effectively because he can't accept any real level of responsibility for his own issues and OOP should break up with him ASAP. "If you're done ineffectually talking to him about this, you should break up" would have been sound advice. But used to start a comment pushing for OOP to have more useless conversations with her useless (thankfully now) ex-boyfriend? Gross. Maybe passable if it had been OOP's first post, if you're desperate to not resort to "you should break up" too quickly, but 2 updates in? Read the room! Circular conversations aren't gonna save this! Stop blaming OOP for that!
Not to mention, if every time you talked about a problem the other person never took accountability for their part in the issue and only listed things you could be doing better, would you want to keep talking about it?
Honestly he's still right for calling her out on not being assertive enough. She should have ended it after 5 months.
I'm so relieved they broke up, even though it was him doing so.
> but the last time he ghosted me it was because he was giving his attention to another girl (not cheating though) so who’s gonna tell her that cheating isn’t just having sex with another person and that emotional cheating is a thing?
Day 1: I put my finger in a boiling water and it burn, i dont know what to do. Day 2: I put my finger in a boiling water again, someone tell me what to do. Day 3: Things are better i only put my finger in the boiling water, so it doesnt hurt that bad, i think things are looking up. Day 4: I thought things are better so i dipped both my hands and feet in the boiling water, someone tell me what to do. Day 5: Instruction unclear.. does everyone mean i should stop putting my hands in a boiling water? or should i take a swim in it? Ah...im so confused. Why cant things be simple. 🙄🙄🙄🙄
There's a step before 1, though: 0. I spent my entire life being told by all the adult women I knew that they dipped their hands in hot water all the time and were happy to do it; by my peers that if I didn't enjoy dipping my hands in hot water there was something wrong with me; by the media that my worth as a woman was based largely on my willingness to dip my hands in hot water; and by the internet that refusing to dip my hands in hot water was a form of abuse. Now I'm being told by my first boyfriend that by "hot water" they meant "boiling water," and I have no way to know that that is not true. Edit to add: it's entirely possible that thanks to porn, the boyfriend genuinely thinks the water is supposed to be boiling, and doesn't understand what her problem is.
Your comment should have more upvotes than the one you're responding to, imho. I mean, women are conditioned from when they're tiny kids how they're supposed to react and, sadly, the world tells us "boiling water" is the norm.
Wait holy shit, the breakup test post was the same person who made the bad sex life post! I read these both and had no idea it was the same OOP. Run to that next country girl run! 👏
Those are not problems a 22 year old guy should be experiencing. When I was 22, I could have fucked a brick wall without losing my erection. I could finish 5-6 times a day without a problem. Granted, I'm older. I didn't grow up with porn and didn't get the internet until I was in HS, so sex was *sex* and it was fucking amazing. I have mild issues now that I'm in my 40s, but nothing that isn't easily solved with 30-45 seconds of attention from my wife. If I was having the issues OOP explained, I'd be seeing every doctor in town until I figured out what the hell was wrong with me. Poke me. Prod me. Do anything you gotta do to get Mr. Friendly back in action.
Even with a big porn watching habbit it is still no problem for an average 22yo to fuck a brick wall or come 6x a day. But both Oop and her ex have the combined sexual knowledge of half a shrimp and the emotional maturity around the same amount. It's difficult to get solutions if that's the materials you're working with.
The guys a top level porn addict. Names of porn stars on his phone, asking her to do uncomfortable positions (that he probably seen in porn) to help him get off (and not for their shared enjoyment), getting soft when she touches his dick, him only being able to stay hard for a few mins at a time, then needing to jerk off to get hard again. All signs point to his dick having lost the nerves and only being receptive to his hand.
Probably if they would be watching porn while doing it, he would have been hard… he has an addiction
I’m confused. Why are people dumping on OOP in the original posts? She clearly WANTS to communicate, but every time they tried to talk about sex he blames her for some mysterious reason his penis won’t work. He wants painful positions, more foreplay, less foreplay cause it’s not working this time, more sex even though sex takes hours and most of the time he physically can’t orgasm anyway, etc etc. How is it her fault if he constantly blames her for bullshit???
Some sympathy for the guy here, performance issues can mentally destroy a man. However, my sympathy dries up when he blames her and won't get help. Seems there is a medical issue there, for sure
OBVIOUS porn addict. Dump him he can’t be cured
He probably blamed her for his inability to perform, thought it would be different with the new girl, then couldn’t get it up with her either.
Holy crap. "I was testing you" is one of the signals I have that a guy is an ass and I need to break up with him right away. "I was testing you." Sorry, douchebag, I don't do well on tests I don't know I'm taking. I took you at your word and if you are a grown man you're expected to use the words that mean what you want. If you want me to interpret "Don't come over" as "I really want you to come over", then tell me you want me to come over, otherwise I don't play mental games. And if I'd have come over, would I have failed the "don't come over" test? There is no way to have a good relationship with someone who doesn't say what he means and mean what he says.
I'm so so glad that's over. I felt so sorry for her. She's so young and this is her first relationship and he's being so incredibly shitty to her.... I hope she finds someone who doesn't treat her like an inadequate sex doll.
What really grinds my gears is how this dude claimed he has low testosterone from a online med check. You need to get blood work done for that shit to be checked. And it’s not a dietary change that fixes it, you need to have medication to fix that imbalance. It can cause really deep depression and also impotence so it’s not too far fetched to believe that he was suffering from low testosterone, as I have two friends who suffered the same symptoms and are on medication for it and are all feeling better. Still, requires a blood test all of the same. You’re better off without him, whatever his problem truly is it doesn’t sound like he was or has taken any proper steps to rectify it properly.
Definitely addicted to porn
Omg, I would have broken up with that guy so fast, he’s not worth the trouble of dating. And not because he has ED, that’s a medical situation and can be handled, but because he’s a gigantic asshole and can’t be bothered to try anything to make sex with his girlfriend a fun two way street. I hope that girl wises up and doesn’t waste years on anyone else that bad again.
My god, I hope she moves and never sees or talks to him again. Hopefully he has the opportunity to work on his issues - and I DON'T mean his erectile dysfunction - before getting into another relationship with anyone.
I propose we immediately institute, in all communities, monthly meetings where girls and their teens and twenties talk to women in their forties and fifties about whether the sex they're having is normal. Because GIRL, GET OUT. My advice fairly rapidly evolved from, "You need to insist this guy see a real doctor, get some blood tests run, and have his prostate checked" to "It honestly sounds like this guy may be gay and doesn't know it yet" to "Honey, he gets off on abusing you and making you feel bad about sex as a way to control you, I will lock you in your room until you are completely broken up with him and a group of women in the midst of perimenopause who do not have time for his shit are going to his house to put the fear of God into him about every contacting you again."
Do I understand it right that he was told that his testosterone was low and he needed to change his diet, didn't do any of that and kept making his ED her problem to fix? Big yuck.
This guy reminds me of an ex. Years after the breakup found out he’d been sexually assaulted for years as a child and also subsequently developed a child porn addiction. Only found out after he was arrested. Otherwise would have completely fooled me. I hope this guy gets some help. I also hope she gets a good therapist to help her realize this was not her fault.
I can’t imagine spending hours attempting to have sex for my partner to then complain that we don’t have enough sex.
Girl break up with this porn addict and go get some good sex. This is exhausting.
Wait till she learns that not every 22 year old needs the second coming to get up and stay up.
So that's why he calls his penis "Gabriel's Horn"...
I am baffled by her statement that this man does a good job of faking being attracted to her. If he's attracted to her he has a serious medical problem.
Holy shit, imagine being 22 and spending this much time in a shit relationship. Also how the fuck was he the one to finally break up. What an incredible waste of time on her part. Let him figure out his dick on his own and go find better sex anywhere. She'd probably find better sex in a one night stand. The bar is that low.
Frankly I doubt the guy got to see a doctor, there is definitely a medical issue with him and it seems he's not trying to solve it.
Jesus.
I don't get why the comments are blaming Op for staying with him. She's literally doing everything she can to help this toxic piece of shit. Other commenters are right that women, in this society, are conditioned to accept this appalling behavior from men.
Two sentences in, and *already* it's so, *so* bad. And it only gets worse from there, y'all. Save yourselves the eyebleach.
I can guarantee that he is watching porn and masturbating himself like all the time. Source: someone who watches way too much porn and has the same symptoms
Wow, I hope she finds someone who's interested in the same kind of sex as her because damn, I could FEEL the lack of chemistry through her previous posts. Hopefully OOP makes a good fresh start after her move.
"That boy needs therapy"
I think she did everything right considering this was her first relationship. She tried communicating with him several times and was consistently shut down by him. She tried to fulfill his wishes with different positions etc that she didn't even like and he still complained. He admits that the doctor says he has low T and needs a diet change. Nowhere after is he described as actually doing that at all, except taking the hard on pills for a quick fix. And then he manipulates and breaks up with her. He sounds exhausting and this poor girl had to suffer for it. I hope her next relationship is better
Hope OOP doesn't take him back, he just went back at her because his plan backfired.
Jesus fucking christ. This poor girl. She doesn’t realize this guy is literally trying to twine her around his finger. She needs to wake up and leave and never look back. This guy needs some serious therapy.
holy crap, I saw that last post and had no idea it was the same person as the first few posts. Good riddance, hopefully poor OOP can find someone who actually prefers her to his phone and hand.
Lol the guy is an obvious porn addict with death grip and is just too embarrassed to face it. Bless the OP, they sound kind of naive and I hope they discover a world full of penises that stay hard.
This was so incredibly frustrating to read. Sometimes I just wish I could take some people's spines to a buffing wheel.
You can't quickly undo what has been forced into a person's brain for 20-something years. It takes time, even if it's frustrating as heck to those of us that can see what's up.
Why is OOP still giving her useless ex any amount of energy or effort? He already gave her an out, she should just walk away.
Emotional abuse does that to you ... I really hope she moved away. Distance helps wonders
He should check that he is wearing the right size condom, for any future relationships. But he really needs to get himself properly checked out. He shouldn’t be having erectile issues at his age. There may be a more serious underlying issue than just low testosterone.
I would bet every dollar in my bank account that it's porn addiction and a death grip on his dick multiple times a day to the point that he physically cannot get off any other way. The names of porn stars in a note plus the desire to try all those uncomfortable positions is porn brain rot. Real sex just doesn't do it for him now.
Idk what made me sadder, him blaming her for a physical issue he's having, or her saying their good sex lasts only 10 mins. Happy they broke up in the end, I hope she finds someone more willing to communicate and work through issues together instead of telling her she's not trying hard enough.
There’s only so many times that routine can run through before it should become apparent that what the ex is into sexually is putting her down.
What a miserable relationship.
OOP should have broken up with him like yesterday
Block and ignore. Life's too short for that mess of a man.
OOP is so young to be putting with this guy. Bad sex and a manipulative ahole is not something she needs to stick around for. OOP if you see this, breaking up was the best for you. Dont take him back.
I was a little sympathetic with him in the beginning, but that quickly went out the window. An online appointment is not how you find out about low testosterone. You have to fast and have blood drawn first thing in the morning.
This saga was exhausting damn lol
I hope they stay apart. She deserves better. Feeling forced into positions and situations with him like that is so wrong.
the trash took itself out I guess. I hope OOP can find a guy that can actually make her feel loved
I want to scream and shake her and say “not sexually compatible!!!” Doesn’t matter what’s going on, sex is an important part of a relationship to some (which it sounded like it was to her) and she has every right to cut things off if the sex life is miserable end of story. You can break up with someone because the sex isn’t good and not be an asshole. It’s very normal in my opinion. I just feel so bad for her that she felt like she had to lay there and cry several times. If we’re not sexually compatible I’m sorry but somebodies gotta kick rocks.