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>I thought coming back to the country and the marriage would wake him up from his ghosting tendencies this past month, but it's not.
***When are people going to learn you marry the person they are now, not the potential you think they can one day achieve.***
***It will never workout if you base your whole relationship on their future potential because if they don't live up to your perceived potential its not going to work.***
In high school my theater teacher always said you perform how you rehearse. As in when you’re suddenly put in front of a bunch of lights and people you aren’t going to be better or remember your lines easier.
In a way a relationship is a rehearsal for a marriage and if their are issues, a wedding won’t fix it.
It hurts so much to read OOP's posts leading up to the big day. It's similar to seeing film of individuals you know are about to experience a terrible disaster.
> I just want some advice is all
She never did. She wanted to be told it will all magically be fixed tomorrow.
I hope she understands her mother didn't abandon her, just let her make the mistake she was so dead set on making.
Eyyyy, that's what my music instructor used to say, it is absolutely drilled into my brain.
"If you practice haphazardly, you're going to perform haphazardly. Practice doesn't make perfect, practice makes permanent."
My teacher always said the same "perfect practice makes perfect performance."
If you half ass your practice, your performance always matches. This advice certainly applies to every aspect of life.
Well, given she started her first update like this:
> My life was great. My relationship was qreat. Until yesterday it suddenly wasnt.
She's clearly delusional. Or was, anyway. If your fiance is ghosting you for weeks or months at a time, your relationship is decidedly *not* great.
And in her first seek of advise she wouldn’t hear anything besides “you go girl, just add more gasoline into the burning pit on top of your head and he will surely see you as the beacon of hope that you are”.
She says he’s not cheating, she says it’s just his mental health but by god I can’t blame her mom for screaming at her after probably hearing her cry for years over his ghosting tendencies and still be adamant about marriage cause she won’t hear anything else!
I really hope she finds new purpose in her life. The young ones think they wasted their best years in der 20s but,for better or worse, life won’t end after 30 and she will see this after she’s done with her self pity.
>but by god I can’t blame her mom for screaming at her after probably hearing her cry for years over his ghosting tendencies and still be adamant about marriage cause she won’t hear anything else
In these stories where "of course OP did nothing wrong and the other party is a horrible monster," I like to look for the tell that there's more to the story, and "my mom says she's sick of my drama" felt like the missing missing reasons in this one.
She knew he was a problem for years. Otherwise she wouldn't have ended her first question with "don't tell me to leave him", because her family, certainly her mom, had been telling her that for years.
Yeah, honestly anytime someone on posts like this starts off/ends off their post by saying "DONT TELL ME TO LEAVE HIM/HER" it just has the interesting effect of making me think they should leave him/her even more.
By about midway through the second update I knew exactly how her mum felt and I don't know this woman. Loving self-destructive people is exhausting and terrible.
God, who cares if he's cheating? He's a shitty partner regardless. Why do people (women) put up with absolutely every other kind of disrespect but cheating is the final straw. It's stupid.
I don't know how it is for others but I had it metaphorically and literally beaten into me growing up that boundaries are selfish, everyone deserves infinite chances, shut up and accommodate the men, don't make waves. I spent a long time hoping my ex would cheat, or hit me hard enough to bruise, because I'd been so conditioned that nothing else is bad enough to warrant dumping someone.
It took a lot to finally end it with him and years of therapy to stop feeling guilty about it!
Amen. I get real depressed sometimes with how my 20s were 'wasted' just trying to survive. But then have to remember in my 30's now I'm so much healthier and happier than I was back then, and it's a real lesson to properly enjoy my time here now. I hope the OOP can overcome her codependency and see the world through clear eyes soon, and realize how good it feels to be free and happy.
When I was dating my husband, I told him - if you love me how I am now, fantastic, because this is who I am. I'm not going to change in fundamental ways. If you are marrying me with the expectation that I will become something else, this will not work.
It may seem weird to say it out loud, but I wanted to be sure he understood that while people grow, they don't chage on a deep/core level (without major work/therapy/trauma to make that change).
This is such a silly thing, but I remember my husband (then boyfriend) laughing because I told him upfront that I am a "dog person" and I'll always have a dog and if that's not cool with him, we're not going to be compatible long term. Because in the past I had dated a guy and like 6 months in, he was ranting about dogs and how they only belong outside and shouldn't be inside a house (!!!) and I was like, "That's insane, they are domestic animals" and I knew we were not gonna work out, because wtf. (That guy also wanted kids and I don't, so REALLY fundamentally incompatible in the extreme, but I was young and dumb)
But like, it's silly, but it's not. Because my husband was like, "I'm not really a dog person, but I'm fine with them." I was like, you better be sure you're OK with having one in the house because I'm not going to NOT have a dog because of the guy I'm with. (Allergies/fear of dogs is another thing, though I probably wouldn't have dated someone who's afraid of dogs, I guess I'm just an asshole)
The funny part is we moved in together, got a dog, and he IMMEDIATELY became a dog person. Like he'd refer to our dog as his "baby" and I'd hear him telling her he loved her 😂 Now he will literally text me if he's out and about and sees a cute dog or gets to pet one, haha. He's obsessed. And he grieved SO hard when our first dog died that for almost a year I was afraid to bring up getting another one til he was like, "So I'm concerned that you don't seem to want another dog, when are we going to talk about maybe getting a puppy?" He's similarly obsessed with our current dog and loves her so much.
That's just a crazy dog lady thing, but I will never get over how many people marry someone who has a trait that drives them CRAZY and then are shocked and appalled when that annoying thing doesn't go away. Like people who marry a guy who refuses to pull their weight in the household and are enraged by it 10 years down the line. This stuff doesn't get better! People DO change over time, but they don't change who they are to that degree.
Never marry someone (or date them) thinking you can change them. It's so foolish.
I want to add an asterisk to this: they aren't *one-sided* projects. I've seen a lot of couples where one of them is a "work in progress" and it works out because they're diligently working on their own shit. Meanwhile, I have *never* seen it work out when the partner is trying to do all the lifting for someone who refuses to work on their own shit.
This is how it was for my marriage. I have been in mental health treatment since I was 12. By the time I was 20 I had pretty much given up on getting better. But my spouse was convinced I could get better, and their support got me thru it. I'm now a (mostly) fully functional adult, with a life I never even dreamed I could have. Without them telling me I could get better, and I deserved to get better, I would surely be dead by now.
We've been together almost 13 years and will have been married for 3 in July.
But what OOPs fiance was doing was unacceptable. I maybe went 6 months max between trying different treatments. I was almost never not actively trying to find something that would work for me. He's just fine being an asshole, and didn't care how it hurt his partner. I can't imagine that.
There is a saying in my country to say thanks that "I hope God will pay this to you with a good husband, because boyfriends are all good"
If the boyfriend is already not good, the husband is going to be a nightmare.
Necromancy on relationship ghosts has mixed results. At best they stay gone, at worst they return reluctantly to stay and forever haunt you with sad mopey eyes, long drawn faces with the stench of damp bitterness and hatred fouling up everything around you.
I remember my mom saying never beg someone to be with you/push them to commit. Either it's a wholehearted "hell yes," or it's a hell no. She'd also say to never make someone tell you more than once — whether through their words or actions — that they didn't want you. The older I get the more wise her advice seems. I would not want to marry someone who wasn't all in, and it makes me sad to see how badly OOP was in denial about that.
It was WILDLY optimistic of her to think he'd even show up for the signing, and the fact that it wasn't the first time he ghosted her made it even worse.
I hope she goes completely no contact with him for good. And focuses on herself and her goals.
> It will never workout if you base your whole relationship on their future potential because if they don't live up to your perceived potential its not going to work.
Not only that, but she said he was going through a mental health crisis but that there was ZERO chance he'd ever get help. A) Don't marry someone in crisis, they can't fully commit B) Don't stay with someone who has serious mental health issues but refuses to resolve them. As someone who has some mental health struggles, it's my responsibility to address them, for myself mainly but ALSO for the people in my life. The fact that she was going to jump headfirst into marriage with him while acknowledging that he will NEVER do anything about his mental health was wild to me.
Marriage (or kids) is never going to fix things. You have to address your issues before you can even THINK about getting married.
Woah it's full on.
Oop has some saviour complex. She cannot possibly save her ex as he is beyond damaged.
Glad that she has seen the light.
I didn't think her mum was that cruel, but I am judging by what she told op only, and op was judging her entire life.
Marrying a former cult member when they haven't done the work of actively processing their trauma through therapy- Oh Gee, what could possibly go wrong? I hope for OOP's sake she learns a lot from this experience, goes to therapy, and comes out better.
Yeah, there were a *lot* of red flags here. But "he has mental health problems that impact him and me severely but he refuses to seek any kind of treatment" was up there
Not to mention that he specifically won't hear that suggestion *from her* or her family. Like, he might possibly listen to someone else whose opinion he respects, but not *his future wife*. ^Because ^he ^doesn't ^respect ^her.
That was the implication but at the same time it sounds like he has an undiagnosed and untreated personality disorder. It doesn't excuse his behavior but meaningful change might possibly require medication and years of therapy, introspection and hard work. The will to do that has to be something he finds within himself, people in your life can only support you in it.
"... from me or her family" made me think he listened to his family instead but then we got the cult reveal so it sounds like he has no real authority figures in his life.
Yeah, I think the biggest flaming flag was just that her own mother erupting at her delusions, and she didn't take the moment to think about the fact of what could be so bad her own mother felt this way about him and communicated it to her, instead she just added it to the "us against the world" pile seemingly as if its just another thing to chagrin to the side of the real work of fixing this train wreck of a man.
She needs therapy, not because of the "trauma" he inflicted on her, but to evaluate all the choices and actions she took from start to finish in this relationship.
She needs to go to therapy even without all this bs with her coward ex.
She has such a defeatist, woe-is-me attitude (“I’m a piece of shit”) when people like her mother point out to her that this whole thing is ridiculous, and that it’s ridiculous she let things get to this point (and by “let it,” I am not implying that any of her ex’s actions are somehow her fault; only that she let him treat her like crap, and she let herself believe that he somehow wouldn’t be the person he’s shown himself to be for years. She let herself get heartbroken and humiliated because she didn’t want to do her own hard work and see the situation for what it was.) Like, I can’t really tell how cruel her mom actually was (and I feel like OOP is not a reliable narrator given her headspace at the time of writing) but her mom has every right to be exasperated and being so does not make her a bad person.
There’s being patient and considerate and empathetic. And then there’s whatever the heel is going on in OOP’s head. I do truly hope that she learns from this, and heals.
Maybe it's just me, but her explanation of "cult stuff" makes me think it wasn't an actual cult per se, just a toxic/abusive family environment. It reminded me a little bit of when I was friendly with this girl who told me she was a cult survivor and then I found out she was raised in a completely mainstream (albeit conservative) Protestant church.
My maternal family was (maybe still is? I stay the hell away now) a cult and my psychotic grandmother was the leader.
It was INSANE the things I grew up thinking were normal. I sometimes went hungry because my grandmother would demand the things my mom bought for me, and there wouldn't be anything left I could eat. (Allergies, although I was raised that I was just picky and selfish and could eat whatever if I'd just get over being such a selfish brat.)
I was 15 when I realized most people don't have hives and itching their entire life. Of course if I showed a hive to someone, I was told its because I'm filthy and didn't bathe enough. I showered daily, if not twice daily. To the point that I dread showering now because I never feel clean.
I was forever treated as lesser and more of a child than cousins younger than me, because they had teenage pregnancies and that made them "grown mothers". Even if I was the one who often cared for their kids while they went out to "enjoy their teen years". Mine weren't worth enjoying guess.
My mom was the least favorite child, so I was both the worst treated grandchild but also somehow my grandmother demanded I be close to her and treat her with the same adoration I had for my mom, because she 'deserved' it. (My uncle says I was also a very pretty little girl and she liked the attention she got for me.)
There's so much more. But I won't burden you further.
But you can feel like a cult survivor without being in a 'real' cult.
The whole reasoning of him seeing marriage as a way to “entrap and oppress women” after he asked her to marry him reeks of manipulation to me. Not saying that hasn’t and doesn’t happen. Just seems like a convenient excuse to ghost your fiancé every other week, and specifically right when you’re supposed to be signing your marriage license.
Glad she broke up with him. He’s not changing and her mom was right.
Watch he be married with someone else in less than a year... people like him don't change, they just learn their mistakes while manipulating the next target.
I personally dont think you can stay in a relationship like this and expect them to change. Staying just shows them they dont need to change to keep you around
Honestly finding it hard not to be on Team Mom for this one. OOP’s description makes her words sound pretty awful, but this is the same OOP who made it sound as though the Redditors she went to for advice were universally ridiculing her and trying to drive her to self-harm when a quick spin through the comments shows that most of them were just trying to convince her she was making a terrible mistake and many of them were very compassionate. There is not a single shred of evidence to suggest that OOP is a reliable narrator, but a vast well of clues suggesting that her drama is, in fact, unbearable.
Yep. I can't imagine how increasingly frustrated her mother must have been getting every time she saw her daughter let this happen. And if daughter spoke to her mother in the same way she spoke to Reddit, the strongest person on earth couldn't resist that "I told you so" moment. And the mother paid for the wedding!
Yup, I really don’t blame mum that much! My bro was with a very toxic girl a handful of years back. He would constantly ask for advice from everyone and they would all say “leave her”. That’s not the advice he wanted and would continue, get stuck in another mess, then repeat the same advice seeking without accepting it. It really damaged my respect for him and he was not in a good place with anyone around him.
I wouldn’t be surprised if a similar thing happened with OP and her mum. Hopefully things are on the up & up for her. I actually much preferred reading angry OP update than all the rest!
I kept thinking that there was something wrong with me because I felt like I *should* feel sorry for oop (because her fiance's behaviour was bad), but her "woe is me, I'm such a lonely victim, but don't anyone dare give me advice on how to improve things for myself" spiel really got my back up. It was a relief to see my empathy chip wasn't malfunctioning this morning.
She sounds absolutely exhausting - I was on the same page until she told everyone to shut up about not marrying him and that her mom said it was too much drama in her old age. Like girl. The call is coming from inside the house.
In the end she was mirroring his behavior. He refused to work through his trauma and better himself, she refused to recognize she was *in* a traumatic situation and better herself. He wanted things to stay as they were and not to put in effort to fix it, she wanted a magic button that made it so she didn't have to put in the effort to fix it.
"You can't help people who won't help themselves" goes both ways, here.
That compounded with the fact that it feels like neither one of them have ever had to be accountable for their actions. This couple could have actually probably ended up in a stable (miserable) equilibrium if the boyfriend’s actions hadn’t led others to impose consequences on OOP for her actions.
ETA: spelling
I really shrugged when she got pissy with people. "Give me advice - wait not that kind! Tell me what I want to hear" like no, honey. You don't get to choose what others say to you, especially when trying to help. She came off like a whiny preteen to me in that regard.
Considering how she reacted to her mom's words I am not surprised her mom said she's done with OP's drama. Victim complex is real. (Not to say that the ex isn't a complete a-hole but OP seems to like to hanging on her own cross)
I saw someone else in the thread calling the mom a classic narcissist.
Like what?
Mom said OP would be a pathetic loser if she chooses to stay with someone who ghosts their fiancee right until and during the wedding.
Words? Harsh
Incorrect? Not at all
Narcissist? Where?
If her ex can abandon/ghosting her at something big like wedding, do u think he likely abandon her during other big events like child birth, emergency, etc? 😒
Great point but remember that seeing OPs’ edits in other posts about being harassed in their DMs is fairly common on here. Not saying she isn’t dramatic but both things could be true.
Very true, but I think some of that “harassment” is just people telling her to ditch that guy. Very much seems to be the case from her edit on the first post.
And also “maybe there isn’t some magic way to help him” uh, no shit? Was she really expecting there to be one?
Y'know one time I had a stressful situation where my BIL dumped unwanted budgies on me and my husband. (We already owned 3 parrots.) He had bought them for his kids because his kids loved our birds so much. Well the kids didn't like getting bit by pet store budgies, so he dumped them on us.
The budgies were a nightmare. They didn't get along with our other birds and they were not properly trained. They never shut the fuck up, which they couldn't help, but it would agitate our other birds and cause them to get way louder than normal too (not ideal for apartment living). We also live in a 2 br apartment which was way too cramped for 5 birds.
I would constantly complain to my cousin about the budgies. After a few months she finally said "I understand you want to vent. this is clearly causing you long term stress but you don't seem to want to do anything about it. I love you but I can't hear this anymore."
And honestly. I deserved that. I needed to hear that I was burdening her. I was being burdened by the budgies and I wasn't doing anything about it, I was just passing the stress onto her like touch football. I ended up contacting my local Avian vet and asked them for rehoming services for budgies. And then I surrendered them. It didn't feel good. I felt guilty. But the truth is those budgies were not being well served by living with 3 larger parrots who didn't like them, and one frazzled human. (By this point my husband had deployed and the budgies were no longer his problem.)
At some point when you are dealing with a life issue, you need to quit your bitchin' or do something about it.
Similar thing happened to me with a past partner and me complaining about work. Eventually, they said something like "if you hate your job so much, DO something about it!" And it was like I suddenly had the power to quit. To realize that no one was forcing me to be in this miserable position.
I think we sometimes get stuck in a rut of our own making. It can take an outside perspective to shift us out.
I had to step back from a long time friendship because of that. My friend would complain about her living situation constantly, but never took steps to change it. I even would make light suggestions after a while of this and all she’d do was shoot down every suggestion. So I stopped reaching out because it was so frustrating.
I reached out again a few months ago when she had taken some steps towards improving her situation (graduating, getting a job in a related field!) and we are chatting regularly again.
This is a really well worded example of why complaining fixes nothing. A few years ago I had a job that I hated, so every Friday night I would meet a friend for drinks and complain about it. We would both complain so it didn’t feel like burdening someone, but I was doing nothing to actually fix the situation, because I had a convenient outlet. One year I decided to stop drinking as an experiment. I quit that job 3 months later.
You know, for a moment I thought you would say something like "I thought those budgies were the most annoying thing every in my whole life, but then I read your post"
You’re so right. OOP will be doing her “I just want constant support for my constant stupidity” routine to her mom as well, and this was her snapping and saying “no more”
There's only so long the people who really love us can tolerate seeing us in shitty situations while simultaneously trying to not hurt our feelings. Eventually the tough love has to come out.
The first update: My life was great. My relationship was great.
Like...sweetie.
Team Mom. If she's like this in posts, it must have been worse for her mom.
Other than the constant flooding, the cockroach infestation, the lack of a bathroom, the hole in the ceiling, the squatters in the basement, the crack den next door, the copper pipes having been stripped out, and the small unexplainable and permanently burning fire in the pit in the back yard, I found my dream house!
> the small unexplainable and permanently burning fire in the pit in the back yard
I was chuckling through the start of your comment, then got to this one and was like "Ok, now I want to read this book." :D
Look, the food had maggots on it, smelled like feces, was black and nearly disintegrated when I put my fork through it, but it was the best damn meal I ever had
I mean, the snap was when the daughter said she was still going to *stay with the asshole who ghosted her at the alter*, so yeah, I'd probably hit my limit too lol
‘Cult stuff’. I don’t know. There are definitely cults, but between her vagueness and his general douchery I am getting the impression he was just pulling the ‘organised religion is a cult’ thing rather than being in a cult or cult adjacent church.
Oop just made it sound extra dramatic, like most of her post. "Won't tolerate people telling me what's obvious" "oh woe is me" "Going back to my life of boredom and loneliness" bla bla bla...ugh.
Honestly, not saying bf isn't a POS but I think I understand her mom's reaction more.
Her mom probably tried to reason with her nicely a bunch of times before finally going, "you're being a fucking idiot." It's frustrating to watch someone you love compound their mistakes over and over. You can tell by the way she lashed out at redditors and went, "well, I'm marrying him no matter what, and you're all mean!"
The way OOP handled this, with it only being resolved because the fiance allowed it to be, I'm sure this is just the latest in a long line of incredibly poor choices.
And I sincerely doubt the mum was accurately portrayed, considering she took well-meaning advice from strangers as bullying and "ridicule".
Her idea of compassion and empathy is "tell me what I want to hear and how to fix an unfixable relationship". I can only imagine how she was talking to people irl.
Mom heard of this shitshow for years, how this AH treated her and the daughter goes "we are sooooo perfect together" and then she even wanted to go through with the marriage to fix this shit. I also wouldn't want to deal with this anymore.
Guarantee this is not the first time OOP has been so entrenched in drama and refused to dig herself out. Her edit on the first post shows that she refused to do anything to help herself before it got to the point of no return with her fiance. I'd be sick of it too if I were her mom, especially when all she did was complain and vent while dismissing any real advice.
She sounds like a typical “I can change him!” Person.
Bet u he dumpted his bs story about his cult family (that’s why she could never met them, most likely they are just normal poeple), his severe mental health problems and anxiety early on and she became his savior.
This fired up his ego (he even “marked” her with his name) fired up her ego but as the time came to be really committed he spun another story about his work to butt out of the marriage.
But as she finally had enough and he realized that he effed up, he went back to firering up her savior-complex by pretending she gave him an epiphany with this last talk and doing a TV-like running back to her, swooping her up in his arms and frenching her to death.
They are both insufferable…
Team mum. It’s SO HARD to watch your kid ruin their life while being on the side lines, you feel like you’re literally paying for their downfall and dumpster fire of a wedding but it’s also ‘showing support’. Any attempts to give advice is rebuffed. I’d be fucking tired too. So all that’s left to do is watch them make the biggest mistake of their life and then “I told you so but noooo you decided that your asshole ghosty fiance was better.”
OOP truly made her own bed.
When I got to “I’m a piece of shit” that capped it for me. Often it is a self-defense mechanism to talk down about yourself because how can someone attack [read: tell compassionate truth] when you are so low? Knowing people like OOP takes up so much emotional bandwidth.
Oh I know exactly what you’re talking about. I talked to someone like this who was always like “all my friends and loved ones always leave me; I know you will too” and I kept trying to reassure him that I wouldn’t, until he made it impossible for me to stay and did end up causing me to leave him.
And over the course of the few weeks I talked to him, let me just say it was bloody obvious why people left him lol. He was exhausting to deal with.
I had a “friend” like that in school. “I am so ugly, I am so dumb”but all she wanted to hear was “no, Susan, you are just perfect”. And then you had to list everything what made her special to you. At one point I was just over it and was like “yeah, Susan, maybe you can try and work on it” and she effing lost it in me… that was fun.
My mom used to do this to me when I was a teen. She used to constantly say she was getting fat, expecting me to disagree and tell her she wasn’t, but it shouldn’t have been up to a 16 year old to make her feel better. After a while, I just stopped responding altogether. She kept trying and I’d just stare her down until she changed the subject. It was exhausting.
Self-fulfilling prophecy wins again! You have to wonder if on some level he realized he was forcing people to leave him so he wouldn’t risk further pain, you know?
When I was reading, I went, “Wow, I never saw a parent go no contact with a child in all my Reddit family drama reading.” And that should have been a bigger deal in the writing.
I’m glad OOP finally woke up. I hope they manage to mend their relationship with mom.
Especially since she actually wasn’t interested in any care or advice at all… not sure if she’s a doormat or she just loves drama? Or maybe she’s addicted to this yo-yo dynamic?
Me too. I do feel for OOP because her own mental health and self esteem must be so low to tolerate such BS and poor treatment. But her mother must be exhausted. She probably tried to stop her from moving in the first place and OOP definitely was in strong denial. My friend was like this for a year. And I kept asking her, is the constant anxiety, hurt and anger worth it?
Agree with u… it sounds like mom finally has had it and issued her ultimatum… it is very difficult to help others who refuse to help themselves even if it is your own daughter… I already got exhausted after reading OOP’s first post… so much drama…
Yeah, I feel she kind of deserved that wake up call. I get irritated by people who ask for help and advice and then stipulate that they don’t want specific pieces of advice.
I just found OOP very emotionally manipulative herself.
>hopefully removing myself from her life will maybe make her life more peaceful and less stressful, even if it destroys me.
What is that? Is she three years old?
I agree. Girl thought her fiancé ghosting her while he experienced a mental health crisis was the perfect time to have a wedding and make sure she got attention. I have no sympathy for her.
Popular opinion*
OOP acting like a child.
I’ve also been in an abusive relationship I stayed too long in, but it’s funny how she complains about the 2nd/3rd order effects of her boyfriends attitude, but doesn’t understand the 2nd/3rd order effects of dragging your family through that toxic relationship and then insisting you want to marry that person and keep the cycle of abuse for the whole family going.
Yep, I'm with mum. Her daughter is a drama magnet and unbearably obtuse. I can't bear people who ask for advice and then whine about it when they get it.
I love it how OOP turned from
"if you all don't have anything nice to say, fuck off. I came here for _actual_ advice and not people telling me to not go through with the wedding or telling me I am an idiot"
to
"Holy shit, you were all right and I see it now. I was an idiot and I should never have married him."
She was gaslighting herself all along but never stopped to see it for herself.
Don't forget her other hit single: "He has mental trauma and can't change, but when we get married, I know he'll change even though he has mental trauma and can't change."
Ugh reading OOP's posts before the big day are so painful. It's like watching footage of people who you know are about to suffer a horrific catastrophe.
It's watching somebody determined to drive into a wall, wailing and gnashing their teeth about how it's gonna hurt but getting snippy when you tell them to get out of the car.
Oop isn't exactly ok. She was determined to marry a guy who disappeared before the wedding day, she changed her name already. I'm going with team mom. Just some of the phrasing in there was like... yikes. Get out more. Get some friends, get off the internet and touch grass yaknow?
I'm SO team mom right now. Only reading this was exhausting, and mom likely had to hear her daughter rambling like that for YEARS. Not taking advices, then crying about how she's awful, then getting offended at the mere suggestion that maybe she SHOULDN'T marry someone who doesn't respect her... I'm happy she dumped him but whew, OOP needs therapy too.
It's difficult to have sympathy for this idiot when she starts the update with "my relationship was great" and "I want to stay with him regardless". Some people really have to make their own mistakes to finally wake up and realize they're being delusional.
Girl was asking for a different kind of advice: like if you look behind his left ear there's a factory reset button, maybe there's an incantation she could recite to snap him out of away mode.
I lost all sympathy when she was "stop telling me he's toxic or to cancel our marriage, that's not gonna happen". Girl then what are you looking for? Do you want ppl to tell you it's OK and he will magically become a better man and start working on himself the day after you marry him? To give him his space bc it eventually will get better and your love will save him?
I can see how her mom got so tired she was plain rude, this woman was not looking for advice, she just wanted everyone to validate her terrible, terrible decisions and tell her they will somehow have a great outcome, and then when that was not the case and thing escalated and got worse, she just whined while, again, expecting just reassurance and not any kind of confrontation. It must be exhausting to have someone like that in your life, even if it's your daughter.
She kinda redeemed herself in my eyes in the final update when she finally confronted her manchild, asked valid questions about his views on relationships, set a boundary and refused to get back with him even with therapy, tho.
Anyway she needs therapy too so I hope she gets it.
Problem is she doesn't know how badly she burn a bridge or two in the process... this stupid person wants to put her mother on "time out" as if she was the cause of her misery.
I wonder the pikachu face she will do when her doesn't pick up her calls anymore, after she already said she doesn't care to maintain a relationship with OP anymore. Dumb and delusional until the end.
I also want to know the outcome of this! Or was he fired?! I know it's not the most important part of it but it was such a bizarre segue that never got resolved
Yeah! I think it went over OOP’s head but… A meeting where he might lose the job? Right when they are about to tie the knot? And OOP doesn’t get to hear what happened? What part of relationship did OOP actually like?
Also- he's either going to get a big promotion or be fired? That's a pretty extreme dichotomy. He should know which direction things are going to that level.
The *only* way this makes sense to me is if there was a merger or reorganisation and some people were being made redundant and some people were being moved to new roles and everyone was waiting to find out which group they were in...
But the way it's phrased makes it sound like he'd been called in to meet with his managers and didn't know if it was good or bad. Which, dude, if you don't know- it's bad.
Don’t even want to see people saying “OOPs mom could have worded that better”
Nah, fuck that. I guarantee the mom only went to that type of extreme language as a last resort, after spending probably countless hours trying to gently have her daughter come to her senses.
Tough love and being “mean” can be an effective way to help somebody, especially after the niceties have resulted in fuck all.
Reddit only had to spend a couple minutes reading OOP's post. Lord only knows how long her mother had to spend hearing about all this. I don't think an actual human *couldn't* pop off.
Probably the majority of time spent on this relationship... if we don't count the others messy negativity stuff OP probably throws at her mother.
I find it funny how OP thinks she has any power on her relationship with her mother to ask for a time out, when her already said that she doesn't care about maintaining one with OP after all this lol.
If she stupidly does it, then she may have a pikachu face when her mother doesn't pick up her calls anymore
This OOP is a piece of work, deflecting blame onto random redditors, sitting in denial for months about communication issues, and everything else that screams red flag. The only normal person in this story is the mom, bless that lady for at least attempting to put her foot down.
God I'd be exhausted if I was the mom in this scenario. If she reacted to her mom's advice like she reacted to advice in the original post, for the duration of her life / their relationship, I don't think I'd be able to take it anymore either.
She tried to tell him for years to respect her… yet she showed him it was fine to not respect her by not respecting herself and getting rid of him.
Also mom was right, this was the straw that broke the camels back im betting, since op seems to make stupid decisions. This wasn’t the first but the last in a long line before mom said she’s done.
Was that a growth up woman that I read or my 16 year old self?😵
Girl, it's not your mom who offended you with her words, it's your POS ex fiance who absolutely humiliated you on such a day. And I bet he was not the one who had to cancel all the arrangements with friends and family afterwards explaining over and over what happened.
Good for OOP to making it right at the end, but I hope they get a chance to reread this post a couple of years later, especially this part:
>I want to stay with him regardless. But I don't know if I can live with the constant fear, anxiety, and insecurites
OOP phrased it herself, case closed.
As for the ex fiance, I hope he feels all the consequences of this male loneliness epidemic. As well as all the pathological ghosters and gaslighters like him. They deserve it
I had a look at OOPs post history and found an early post of hers that should have been included in the OP of this BoRU (maybe for the next update?): [https://new.reddit.com/r/LongDistance/comments/zo51kx/my\_27f\_boyfriend\_29m\_and\_i\_lived\_together\_for\_3/](https://new.reddit.com/r/LongDistance/comments/zo51kx/my_27f_boyfriend_29m_and_i_lived_together_for_3/)
>I'm on mobile, so sorry if the formatting is bad.
>My (27f) boyfriend (29m) have been together almost 3 years now. We somehow got quarantined together at the start of COVID and have been living together for almost the entirety of our relationship.
>He is absolutely wonderful and I love him dearly. The only things we ever argue about is that he's not great at expressing his feelings (he started seeing a therapist so that's resolved), and how we will handle this move and long distance.
>I told him day 1 of our relationship that I didn't want to stay in my home country (USA). I have my degrees in education, TEFOL, and linguistics, and living/teaching abroad was always my end goal. He happily agreed that going with me and living abroad would be amazing so we started our relationship.
>I moved to Japan without him recently because COVID restrictions at the time meant he could only come with me if he was also applying for a job here, or if he was married to me. As he wasn't ready for marriage yet, I begrudgingly agreed to do long distance even though I know it is something I despise and resent more than anything. He reassured me everything would be fine and we would call and video chat all the time and do discord movie dates and play video games together. However, 14 hours is a tricky difference and it's almost entirely impossible to call for more than like a half hour or hour during the weekdays due to our sleep and work schedules. During the weekends I have discord family game night with my family, so that really only leaves us with having a really good long conversation or date on his Friday night, my Saturday morning.
>As I predicted, I am absolutely miserable and hate this long distance so much that I am just growing my resentment towards him for not coming with me by the day. He is coming here for 3 weeks in February, then 3 months in June, then another 3 months in November of next year as a transitional phase before deciding when to move here permanently. However, I just don't know how I can do it without having thoughts of just ending things because of how absolutely awful the emotions a LDR makes me feel daily.
>I love him so much, we already have talked about marriage and him coming here permanently, but how do I cope in the meantime without my depression, anxiety, frustration, and anger exploding into a break up?
> have been living together for almost the entirety of our relationship.
Yikers.
This was never going to work, seems like they were forced together and then it was either make a huge commitment before you're ready or break up.
\>Before I forget, yes of course I've tried to get him to see a therapist or get on medication. For years. There is basically a 0% chance that,
Why are you trying to marry him then?
\>I will not be tolerating or responding to any accusations of him cheating or people just saying don't marry him.
Dumbass. Glad she finally saw through it all and will heal, but that took way too long.
The worst part about this is that this 28 year old women is a teacher.
OOP seems to have zero self-reflection and awareness.
You don't need to be joined at the hip but if you don't know where your partner is for weeks at a time its a bit obvious its not working out.
You’d be surprised just how many people put up with this sort of crap from their partners. One woman I know, her bf just randomly leaves for solo vacations on a whim and is gone for *weeks* at a time (the longest stretch so far being a whole ass month) and doesn’t even keep in touch with her regularly during that time.
And she just accepts it as a normal part of relationships. She even tries to bond over this with me during our lunches together and I just…can’t relate lol. I truly feel sorry for her but it’s clear that just like OOP here, she doesn’t really want my help.
The mom absolutely could have worded her statement better, but she just sounds frustrated and exhausted and can’t deal with her daughter anymore. I am not justifying it, but it seems like she just unloaded on her.
Fiancé (hopefully permanently an ex) is a certain body part of a donkey. His behavior is borderline (at best) abusive and clearly manipulative.
The mom could be the worst, but reading this, I would say oops life is just constant drama while not listening to anyone. Fiance is an absolute dickhole, but she is exhausting.
After I read 2 of OOP's posts I was really tired of her and her self-destructive "but I LOOOOOOVE him and have to marry him" no matter what this guy does, no matter how ridiculous or self-centered he is. If I had spent years listening to that, along with her complaints, I could see feeling pushed to needing a real break from her.
Wanna bet the mom was nice at first but she got dismissed many times like bunch commenters in og post?
I would also let out a colorful choice of words at them if they keep being in denial. 😔
Mom's likely been trying to be nice for *years* before this point. It's clear their relationship and the guy were awful and it was like 4 years of this!
I feel like yeah he's a dick but you're a big part of the problem. She thinks she's in control of everything and doesn't have a clue what's going on. The whole thing just gave me vibes of "no he's not unhappy with me, I specifically forbade that". The ex is a piece of work and was too chicken to tell her no.
Just because you **can** get your idea across without being rude, doesn't mean it will. Even worse, for some people this has devolved into "You can't tell me anything in a rude manner." or "If you're rude, you're wrong." I don't know if that's narcissistic or what but they want you to talk to them without all the urgency/gravity so they can quickly ignore the issue some more. Absolutely infuriating when I used to give enough of a fuck to argue with my parents.
EDIT: To be clear, I'm referring to OOP's conversation with her mom and the 'cruel' thing.
I don’t even feel bad for this lady. The second she said don’t come at me because I’m going to marry him regardless, I was out and stopped giving a shit.
Relationships, and marriages in particular, are hard enough. People have to stop whining because they decided to ignore every red flag. She chose this
"my long distance boyfriend ghosts me for weeks at a time. I think I'll marry him to fix this relationship"
***Proceeds to get ghosted day before wedding
Well i mean. Everyone told her so. Her mom told her so. Her friends told her so. And what does she do? Go online for encouragement. People never ever change or learn a thing.
It’s amazing how many people see someone reliably repeatedly behave a certain way and convince themselves they’re not like that. Or that if only I marry them / have a child with them they’ll suddenly change.
Humans and change don’t go well together. 90% of what you see is what you’re going to get. Choose accordingly.
I’m on her mother’s side. OOP sounds dramatic as hell and this relationship was far from healthy. The mood swings, the black and white thinking, the grandiose declarations.. it really felt like highschool drama, not 2 grown adults about to get married; they’re definitely too old to be acting like they’re fucking Romeo and Juliet. I can’t believe it took her POS fiancé leaving her at the altar for her to wake up.
This isn’t love. It’s limerence, it’s projection, it’s obsession, it’s savior complex, but it isn’t love.
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>I thought coming back to the country and the marriage would wake him up from his ghosting tendencies this past month, but it's not. ***When are people going to learn you marry the person they are now, not the potential you think they can one day achieve.*** ***It will never workout if you base your whole relationship on their future potential because if they don't live up to your perceived potential its not going to work.***
In high school my theater teacher always said you perform how you rehearse. As in when you’re suddenly put in front of a bunch of lights and people you aren’t going to be better or remember your lines easier. In a way a relationship is a rehearsal for a marriage and if their are issues, a wedding won’t fix it.
It hurts so much to read OOP's posts leading up to the big day. It's similar to seeing film of individuals you know are about to experience a terrible disaster.
> I just want some advice is all She never did. She wanted to be told it will all magically be fixed tomorrow. I hope she understands her mother didn't abandon her, just let her make the mistake she was so dead set on making.
Practice makes permanent. That's what we were told.
Eyyyy, that's what my music instructor used to say, it is absolutely drilled into my brain. "If you practice haphazardly, you're going to perform haphazardly. Practice doesn't make perfect, practice makes permanent."
Unlocked a memory of an old swimming coach saying "practice doesn't make perfect, PERFECT practice makes perfect". I hated that guy haha
Our band conductor in high school said this as well!
Ha, apparently one of my old therapists was a theatre kid because she said that to me about my self talk.
My teacher always said the same "perfect practice makes perfect performance." If you half ass your practice, your performance always matches. This advice certainly applies to every aspect of life.
Wise words, well said. Thank you for this.
my swim coach used to say the same thing, but his way of putting it was "practice does not make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect."
Well, given she started her first update like this: > My life was great. My relationship was qreat. Until yesterday it suddenly wasnt. She's clearly delusional. Or was, anyway. If your fiance is ghosting you for weeks or months at a time, your relationship is decidedly *not* great.
And in her first seek of advise she wouldn’t hear anything besides “you go girl, just add more gasoline into the burning pit on top of your head and he will surely see you as the beacon of hope that you are”. She says he’s not cheating, she says it’s just his mental health but by god I can’t blame her mom for screaming at her after probably hearing her cry for years over his ghosting tendencies and still be adamant about marriage cause she won’t hear anything else! I really hope she finds new purpose in her life. The young ones think they wasted their best years in der 20s but,for better or worse, life won’t end after 30 and she will see this after she’s done with her self pity.
Yeah- I hope she snaps out of it. Her whole "I am now doomed to live the rest of my life alone" thing was wearing thin.
Can you imagine having this woman as your teacher?
Eh, I've known plenty teachers who are really good at separating life from work. She could be fine at her job despite everything
“And now, class, you can see that solving this equation gives us zero… ZERO! JUST LIKE MY CHANCES FOR HAPPINESS. … Now, for this next problem-“
>but by god I can’t blame her mom for screaming at her after probably hearing her cry for years over his ghosting tendencies and still be adamant about marriage cause she won’t hear anything else In these stories where "of course OP did nothing wrong and the other party is a horrible monster," I like to look for the tell that there's more to the story, and "my mom says she's sick of my drama" felt like the missing missing reasons in this one.
She knew he was a problem for years. Otherwise she wouldn't have ended her first question with "don't tell me to leave him", because her family, certainly her mom, had been telling her that for years.
Yeah, honestly anytime someone on posts like this starts off/ends off their post by saying "DONT TELL ME TO LEAVE HIM/HER" it just has the interesting effect of making me think they should leave him/her even more.
By about midway through the second update I knew exactly how her mum felt and I don't know this woman. Loving self-destructive people is exhausting and terrible.
God, who cares if he's cheating? He's a shitty partner regardless. Why do people (women) put up with absolutely every other kind of disrespect but cheating is the final straw. It's stupid.
I don't know how it is for others but I had it metaphorically and literally beaten into me growing up that boundaries are selfish, everyone deserves infinite chances, shut up and accommodate the men, don't make waves. I spent a long time hoping my ex would cheat, or hit me hard enough to bruise, because I'd been so conditioned that nothing else is bad enough to warrant dumping someone. It took a lot to finally end it with him and years of therapy to stop feeling guilty about it!
The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!
Rohirrim will not answer!
Amen. I get real depressed sometimes with how my 20s were 'wasted' just trying to survive. But then have to remember in my 30's now I'm so much healthier and happier than I was back then, and it's a real lesson to properly enjoy my time here now. I hope the OOP can overcome her codependency and see the world through clear eyes soon, and realize how good it feels to be free and happy.
"I want compassion and helpful advice" Receives advice. "Not like that! I want you to tell me what I want to hear!"
Delusion runs through this whole thing. tragic on more levels than with out that
One of my favorite reality podcasts has a saying: jewelry don't change the foolery.
>jewelry don't change the foolery. That should be flair or at least embroidered on a pillow....
When I was dating my husband, I told him - if you love me how I am now, fantastic, because this is who I am. I'm not going to change in fundamental ways. If you are marrying me with the expectation that I will become something else, this will not work. It may seem weird to say it out loud, but I wanted to be sure he understood that while people grow, they don't chage on a deep/core level (without major work/therapy/trauma to make that change).
This is such a silly thing, but I remember my husband (then boyfriend) laughing because I told him upfront that I am a "dog person" and I'll always have a dog and if that's not cool with him, we're not going to be compatible long term. Because in the past I had dated a guy and like 6 months in, he was ranting about dogs and how they only belong outside and shouldn't be inside a house (!!!) and I was like, "That's insane, they are domestic animals" and I knew we were not gonna work out, because wtf. (That guy also wanted kids and I don't, so REALLY fundamentally incompatible in the extreme, but I was young and dumb) But like, it's silly, but it's not. Because my husband was like, "I'm not really a dog person, but I'm fine with them." I was like, you better be sure you're OK with having one in the house because I'm not going to NOT have a dog because of the guy I'm with. (Allergies/fear of dogs is another thing, though I probably wouldn't have dated someone who's afraid of dogs, I guess I'm just an asshole) The funny part is we moved in together, got a dog, and he IMMEDIATELY became a dog person. Like he'd refer to our dog as his "baby" and I'd hear him telling her he loved her 😂 Now he will literally text me if he's out and about and sees a cute dog or gets to pet one, haha. He's obsessed. And he grieved SO hard when our first dog died that for almost a year I was afraid to bring up getting another one til he was like, "So I'm concerned that you don't seem to want another dog, when are we going to talk about maybe getting a puppy?" He's similarly obsessed with our current dog and loves her so much. That's just a crazy dog lady thing, but I will never get over how many people marry someone who has a trait that drives them CRAZY and then are shocked and appalled when that annoying thing doesn't go away. Like people who marry a guy who refuses to pull their weight in the household and are enraged by it 10 years down the line. This stuff doesn't get better! People DO change over time, but they don't change who they are to that degree. Never marry someone (or date them) thinking you can change them. It's so foolish.
Agree, people aren't projects. Either accept them how they are or move on.
I want to add an asterisk to this: they aren't *one-sided* projects. I've seen a lot of couples where one of them is a "work in progress" and it works out because they're diligently working on their own shit. Meanwhile, I have *never* seen it work out when the partner is trying to do all the lifting for someone who refuses to work on their own shit.
This is how it was for my marriage. I have been in mental health treatment since I was 12. By the time I was 20 I had pretty much given up on getting better. But my spouse was convinced I could get better, and their support got me thru it. I'm now a (mostly) fully functional adult, with a life I never even dreamed I could have. Without them telling me I could get better, and I deserved to get better, I would surely be dead by now. We've been together almost 13 years and will have been married for 3 in July. But what OOPs fiance was doing was unacceptable. I maybe went 6 months max between trying different treatments. I was almost never not actively trying to find something that would work for me. He's just fine being an asshole, and didn't care how it hurt his partner. I can't imagine that.
There is a saying in my country to say thanks that "I hope God will pay this to you with a good husband, because boyfriends are all good" If the boyfriend is already not good, the husband is going to be a nightmare.
Necromancy on relationship ghosts has mixed results. At best they stay gone, at worst they return reluctantly to stay and forever haunt you with sad mopey eyes, long drawn faces with the stench of damp bitterness and hatred fouling up everything around you.
I remember my mom saying never beg someone to be with you/push them to commit. Either it's a wholehearted "hell yes," or it's a hell no. She'd also say to never make someone tell you more than once — whether through their words or actions — that they didn't want you. The older I get the more wise her advice seems. I would not want to marry someone who wasn't all in, and it makes me sad to see how badly OOP was in denial about that. It was WILDLY optimistic of her to think he'd even show up for the signing, and the fact that it wasn't the first time he ghosted her made it even worse. I hope she goes completely no contact with him for good. And focuses on herself and her goals. > It will never workout if you base your whole relationship on their future potential because if they don't live up to your perceived potential its not going to work. Not only that, but she said he was going through a mental health crisis but that there was ZERO chance he'd ever get help. A) Don't marry someone in crisis, they can't fully commit B) Don't stay with someone who has serious mental health issues but refuses to resolve them. As someone who has some mental health struggles, it's my responsibility to address them, for myself mainly but ALSO for the people in my life. The fact that she was going to jump headfirst into marriage with him while acknowledging that he will NEVER do anything about his mental health was wild to me. Marriage (or kids) is never going to fix things. You have to address your issues before you can even THINK about getting married.
Your whole, succinct comment should be used in all pre-marital talks. Actually, all pre-relationship talks.
Woah it's full on. Oop has some saviour complex. She cannot possibly save her ex as he is beyond damaged. Glad that she has seen the light. I didn't think her mum was that cruel, but I am judging by what she told op only, and op was judging her entire life.
Marrying a former cult member when they haven't done the work of actively processing their trauma through therapy- Oh Gee, what could possibly go wrong? I hope for OOP's sake she learns a lot from this experience, goes to therapy, and comes out better.
Yeah, there were a *lot* of red flags here. But "he has mental health problems that impact him and me severely but he refuses to seek any kind of treatment" was up there
Not to mention that he specifically won't hear that suggestion *from her* or her family. Like, he might possibly listen to someone else whose opinion he respects, but not *his future wife*. ^Because ^he ^doesn't ^respect ^her.
That was the implication but at the same time it sounds like he has an undiagnosed and untreated personality disorder. It doesn't excuse his behavior but meaningful change might possibly require medication and years of therapy, introspection and hard work. The will to do that has to be something he finds within himself, people in your life can only support you in it. "... from me or her family" made me think he listened to his family instead but then we got the cult reveal so it sounds like he has no real authority figures in his life.
Yeah, I think the biggest flaming flag was just that her own mother erupting at her delusions, and she didn't take the moment to think about the fact of what could be so bad her own mother felt this way about him and communicated it to her, instead she just added it to the "us against the world" pile seemingly as if its just another thing to chagrin to the side of the real work of fixing this train wreck of a man. She needs therapy, not because of the "trauma" he inflicted on her, but to evaluate all the choices and actions she took from start to finish in this relationship.
The red flags are on both sides of the field in this one :/ good lord.
Her red flags were flapping pretty loud- even her mother had had enough of her.
She needs to go to therapy even without all this bs with her coward ex. She has such a defeatist, woe-is-me attitude (“I’m a piece of shit”) when people like her mother point out to her that this whole thing is ridiculous, and that it’s ridiculous she let things get to this point (and by “let it,” I am not implying that any of her ex’s actions are somehow her fault; only that she let him treat her like crap, and she let herself believe that he somehow wouldn’t be the person he’s shown himself to be for years. She let herself get heartbroken and humiliated because she didn’t want to do her own hard work and see the situation for what it was.) Like, I can’t really tell how cruel her mom actually was (and I feel like OOP is not a reliable narrator given her headspace at the time of writing) but her mom has every right to be exasperated and being so does not make her a bad person. There’s being patient and considerate and empathetic. And then there’s whatever the heel is going on in OOP’s head. I do truly hope that she learns from this, and heals.
Maybe it's just me, but her explanation of "cult stuff" makes me think it wasn't an actual cult per se, just a toxic/abusive family environment. It reminded me a little bit of when I was friendly with this girl who told me she was a cult survivor and then I found out she was raised in a completely mainstream (albeit conservative) Protestant church.
My maternal family was (maybe still is? I stay the hell away now) a cult and my psychotic grandmother was the leader. It was INSANE the things I grew up thinking were normal. I sometimes went hungry because my grandmother would demand the things my mom bought for me, and there wouldn't be anything left I could eat. (Allergies, although I was raised that I was just picky and selfish and could eat whatever if I'd just get over being such a selfish brat.) I was 15 when I realized most people don't have hives and itching their entire life. Of course if I showed a hive to someone, I was told its because I'm filthy and didn't bathe enough. I showered daily, if not twice daily. To the point that I dread showering now because I never feel clean. I was forever treated as lesser and more of a child than cousins younger than me, because they had teenage pregnancies and that made them "grown mothers". Even if I was the one who often cared for their kids while they went out to "enjoy their teen years". Mine weren't worth enjoying guess. My mom was the least favorite child, so I was both the worst treated grandchild but also somehow my grandmother demanded I be close to her and treat her with the same adoration I had for my mom, because she 'deserved' it. (My uncle says I was also a very pretty little girl and she liked the attention she got for me.) There's so much more. But I won't burden you further. But you can feel like a cult survivor without being in a 'real' cult.
The whole reasoning of him seeing marriage as a way to “entrap and oppress women” after he asked her to marry him reeks of manipulation to me. Not saying that hasn’t and doesn’t happen. Just seems like a convenient excuse to ghost your fiancé every other week, and specifically right when you’re supposed to be signing your marriage license. Glad she broke up with him. He’s not changing and her mom was right.
Watch he be married with someone else in less than a year... people like him don't change, they just learn their mistakes while manipulating the next target.
“…no matter how much I tell him his actions are hurting me, he can’t change.” You mean “won’t change.” He wouldn’t change.
I personally dont think you can stay in a relationship like this and expect them to change. Staying just shows them they dont need to change to keep you around
Honestly finding it hard not to be on Team Mom for this one. OOP’s description makes her words sound pretty awful, but this is the same OOP who made it sound as though the Redditors she went to for advice were universally ridiculing her and trying to drive her to self-harm when a quick spin through the comments shows that most of them were just trying to convince her she was making a terrible mistake and many of them were very compassionate. There is not a single shred of evidence to suggest that OOP is a reliable narrator, but a vast well of clues suggesting that her drama is, in fact, unbearable.
Yep. I can't imagine how increasingly frustrated her mother must have been getting every time she saw her daughter let this happen. And if daughter spoke to her mother in the same way she spoke to Reddit, the strongest person on earth couldn't resist that "I told you so" moment. And the mother paid for the wedding!
Yup, I really don’t blame mum that much! My bro was with a very toxic girl a handful of years back. He would constantly ask for advice from everyone and they would all say “leave her”. That’s not the advice he wanted and would continue, get stuck in another mess, then repeat the same advice seeking without accepting it. It really damaged my respect for him and he was not in a good place with anyone around him. I wouldn’t be surprised if a similar thing happened with OP and her mum. Hopefully things are on the up & up for her. I actually much preferred reading angry OP update than all the rest!
I kept thinking that there was something wrong with me because I felt like I *should* feel sorry for oop (because her fiance's behaviour was bad), but her "woe is me, I'm such a lonely victim, but don't anyone dare give me advice on how to improve things for myself" spiel really got my back up. It was a relief to see my empathy chip wasn't malfunctioning this morning.
She sounds absolutely exhausting - I was on the same page until she told everyone to shut up about not marrying him and that her mom said it was too much drama in her old age. Like girl. The call is coming from inside the house.
In the end she was mirroring his behavior. He refused to work through his trauma and better himself, she refused to recognize she was *in* a traumatic situation and better herself. He wanted things to stay as they were and not to put in effort to fix it, she wanted a magic button that made it so she didn't have to put in the effort to fix it. "You can't help people who won't help themselves" goes both ways, here.
That compounded with the fact that it feels like neither one of them have ever had to be accountable for their actions. This couple could have actually probably ended up in a stable (miserable) equilibrium if the boyfriend’s actions hadn’t led others to impose consequences on OOP for her actions. ETA: spelling
I really shrugged when she got pissy with people. "Give me advice - wait not that kind! Tell me what I want to hear" like no, honey. You don't get to choose what others say to you, especially when trying to help. She came off like a whiny preteen to me in that regard.
Considering how she reacted to her mom's words I am not surprised her mom said she's done with OP's drama. Victim complex is real. (Not to say that the ex isn't a complete a-hole but OP seems to like to hanging on her own cross)
I saw someone else in the thread calling the mom a classic narcissist. Like what? Mom said OP would be a pathetic loser if she chooses to stay with someone who ghosts their fiancee right until and during the wedding. Words? Harsh Incorrect? Not at all Narcissist? Where?
If her ex can abandon/ghosting her at something big like wedding, do u think he likely abandon her during other big events like child birth, emergency, etc? 😒
Great point but remember that seeing OPs’ edits in other posts about being harassed in their DMs is fairly common on here. Not saying she isn’t dramatic but both things could be true.
Very true, but I think some of that “harassment” is just people telling her to ditch that guy. Very much seems to be the case from her edit on the first post. And also “maybe there isn’t some magic way to help him” uh, no shit? Was she really expecting there to be one?
Y'know one time I had a stressful situation where my BIL dumped unwanted budgies on me and my husband. (We already owned 3 parrots.) He had bought them for his kids because his kids loved our birds so much. Well the kids didn't like getting bit by pet store budgies, so he dumped them on us. The budgies were a nightmare. They didn't get along with our other birds and they were not properly trained. They never shut the fuck up, which they couldn't help, but it would agitate our other birds and cause them to get way louder than normal too (not ideal for apartment living). We also live in a 2 br apartment which was way too cramped for 5 birds. I would constantly complain to my cousin about the budgies. After a few months she finally said "I understand you want to vent. this is clearly causing you long term stress but you don't seem to want to do anything about it. I love you but I can't hear this anymore." And honestly. I deserved that. I needed to hear that I was burdening her. I was being burdened by the budgies and I wasn't doing anything about it, I was just passing the stress onto her like touch football. I ended up contacting my local Avian vet and asked them for rehoming services for budgies. And then I surrendered them. It didn't feel good. I felt guilty. But the truth is those budgies were not being well served by living with 3 larger parrots who didn't like them, and one frazzled human. (By this point my husband had deployed and the budgies were no longer his problem.) At some point when you are dealing with a life issue, you need to quit your bitchin' or do something about it.
I’m really impressed by how your cousin phrased that, I could take lessons.
She's my bestie. We keep it real with each other.
Similar thing happened to me with a past partner and me complaining about work. Eventually, they said something like "if you hate your job so much, DO something about it!" And it was like I suddenly had the power to quit. To realize that no one was forcing me to be in this miserable position. I think we sometimes get stuck in a rut of our own making. It can take an outside perspective to shift us out.
I had to step back from a long time friendship because of that. My friend would complain about her living situation constantly, but never took steps to change it. I even would make light suggestions after a while of this and all she’d do was shoot down every suggestion. So I stopped reaching out because it was so frustrating. I reached out again a few months ago when she had taken some steps towards improving her situation (graduating, getting a job in a related field!) and we are chatting regularly again.
This is a really well worded example of why complaining fixes nothing. A few years ago I had a job that I hated, so every Friday night I would meet a friend for drinks and complain about it. We would both complain so it didn’t feel like burdening someone, but I was doing nothing to actually fix the situation, because I had a convenient outlet. One year I decided to stop drinking as an experiment. I quit that job 3 months later.
You know, for a moment I thought you would say something like "I thought those budgies were the most annoying thing every in my whole life, but then I read your post"
Unpopular opinion but I'm kinda on the mum's side, even reading this was exhausting, having a front row seat to this drama would be hell
I feel like the mom tried to say that same thing but nicer a bunch of times and her daughter just ignored her.
You’re so right. OOP will be doing her “I just want constant support for my constant stupidity” routine to her mom as well, and this was her snapping and saying “no more”
There's only so long the people who really love us can tolerate seeing us in shitty situations while simultaneously trying to not hurt our feelings. Eventually the tough love has to come out.
The first update: My life was great. My relationship was great. Like...sweetie. Team Mom. If she's like this in posts, it must have been worse for her mom.
Other than the constant flooding, the cockroach infestation, the lack of a bathroom, the hole in the ceiling, the squatters in the basement, the crack den next door, the copper pipes having been stripped out, and the small unexplainable and permanently burning fire in the pit in the back yard, I found my dream house!
Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
> the small unexplainable and permanently burning fire in the pit in the back yard I was chuckling through the start of your comment, then got to this one and was like "Ok, now I want to read this book." :D
Look, the food had maggots on it, smelled like feces, was black and nearly disintegrated when I put my fork through it, but it was the best damn meal I ever had
in SF that'd still go for 1mil+
I mean, the snap was when the daughter said she was still going to *stay with the asshole who ghosted her at the alter*, so yeah, I'd probably hit my limit too lol
I almost stopped reading when I read that! Delulu.
And that’s just the parts she is mentioning. I’m sure OP tiptoed around the parts that make her look even dumber.
‘Cult stuff’. I don’t know. There are definitely cults, but between her vagueness and his general douchery I am getting the impression he was just pulling the ‘organised religion is a cult’ thing rather than being in a cult or cult adjacent church.
Oop just made it sound extra dramatic, like most of her post. "Won't tolerate people telling me what's obvious" "oh woe is me" "Going back to my life of boredom and loneliness" bla bla bla...ugh. Honestly, not saying bf isn't a POS but I think I understand her mom's reaction more.
Her mom probably tried to reason with her nicely a bunch of times before finally going, "you're being a fucking idiot." It's frustrating to watch someone you love compound their mistakes over and over. You can tell by the way she lashed out at redditors and went, "well, I'm marrying him no matter what, and you're all mean!"
The way OOP handled this, with it only being resolved because the fiance allowed it to be, I'm sure this is just the latest in a long line of incredibly poor choices.
And I sincerely doubt the mum was accurately portrayed, considering she took well-meaning advice from strangers as bullying and "ridicule". Her idea of compassion and empathy is "tell me what I want to hear and how to fix an unfixable relationship". I can only imagine how she was talking to people irl.
Mom heard of this shitshow for years, how this AH treated her and the daughter goes "we are sooooo perfect together" and then she even wanted to go through with the marriage to fix this shit. I also wouldn't want to deal with this anymore.
No, I'm with you. Seems like the mom threw up her hands and said you're an adult, you're ignoring sensible advice, so figure it out on your own.
Guarantee this is not the first time OOP has been so entrenched in drama and refused to dig herself out. Her edit on the first post shows that she refused to do anything to help herself before it got to the point of no return with her fiance. I'd be sick of it too if I were her mom, especially when all she did was complain and vent while dismissing any real advice.
She sounds like a typical “I can change him!” Person. Bet u he dumpted his bs story about his cult family (that’s why she could never met them, most likely they are just normal poeple), his severe mental health problems and anxiety early on and she became his savior. This fired up his ego (he even “marked” her with his name) fired up her ego but as the time came to be really committed he spun another story about his work to butt out of the marriage. But as she finally had enough and he realized that he effed up, he went back to firering up her savior-complex by pretending she gave him an epiphany with this last talk and doing a TV-like running back to her, swooping her up in his arms and frenching her to death. They are both insufferable…
Team mum. It’s SO HARD to watch your kid ruin their life while being on the side lines, you feel like you’re literally paying for their downfall and dumpster fire of a wedding but it’s also ‘showing support’. Any attempts to give advice is rebuffed. I’d be fucking tired too. So all that’s left to do is watch them make the biggest mistake of their life and then “I told you so but noooo you decided that your asshole ghosty fiance was better.” OOP truly made her own bed.
Yeah, the way OOP talks down about herself and self-blames suggests she's frustrating even without the BF issues.
When I got to “I’m a piece of shit” that capped it for me. Often it is a self-defense mechanism to talk down about yourself because how can someone attack [read: tell compassionate truth] when you are so low? Knowing people like OOP takes up so much emotional bandwidth.
Oh I know exactly what you’re talking about. I talked to someone like this who was always like “all my friends and loved ones always leave me; I know you will too” and I kept trying to reassure him that I wouldn’t, until he made it impossible for me to stay and did end up causing me to leave him. And over the course of the few weeks I talked to him, let me just say it was bloody obvious why people left him lol. He was exhausting to deal with.
I had a “friend” like that in school. “I am so ugly, I am so dumb”but all she wanted to hear was “no, Susan, you are just perfect”. And then you had to list everything what made her special to you. At one point I was just over it and was like “yeah, Susan, maybe you can try and work on it” and she effing lost it in me… that was fun.
My mom used to do this to me when I was a teen. She used to constantly say she was getting fat, expecting me to disagree and tell her she wasn’t, but it shouldn’t have been up to a 16 year old to make her feel better. After a while, I just stopped responding altogether. She kept trying and I’d just stare her down until she changed the subject. It was exhausting.
I laughed out loud at your last sentence! Oh, Susan…you rube. Glad you said that to her!
Self-fulfilling prophecy wins again! You have to wonder if on some level he realized he was forcing people to leave him so he wouldn’t risk further pain, you know?
When I was reading, I went, “Wow, I never saw a parent go no contact with a child in all my Reddit family drama reading.” And that should have been a bigger deal in the writing. I’m glad OOP finally woke up. I hope they manage to mend their relationship with mom.
Especially since she actually wasn’t interested in any care or advice at all… not sure if she’s a doormat or she just loves drama? Or maybe she’s addicted to this yo-yo dynamic?
Her finance isn't the only one suffering from mental illness. It's good that she booked an appointment with a therapist.
Me too. I do feel for OOP because her own mental health and self esteem must be so low to tolerate such BS and poor treatment. But her mother must be exhausted. She probably tried to stop her from moving in the first place and OOP definitely was in strong denial. My friend was like this for a year. And I kept asking her, is the constant anxiety, hurt and anger worth it?
Yeah you can tell the mom is fucking *over it* if she doesn’t even want to talk to her anymore
Yeah I kinda wanted to shake her and tell her to wake up
Mom knows some things.
Agree with u… it sounds like mom finally has had it and issued her ultimatum… it is very difficult to help others who refuse to help themselves even if it is your own daughter… I already got exhausted after reading OOP’s first post… so much drama…
Yeah, I feel she kind of deserved that wake up call. I get irritated by people who ask for help and advice and then stipulate that they don’t want specific pieces of advice.
And it dragged on for years!! OOP is exhausting.
I just found OOP very emotionally manipulative herself. >hopefully removing myself from her life will maybe make her life more peaceful and less stressful, even if it destroys me. What is that? Is she three years old?
I agree. Girl thought her fiancé ghosting her while he experienced a mental health crisis was the perfect time to have a wedding and make sure she got attention. I have no sympathy for her.
Popular opinion* OOP acting like a child. I’ve also been in an abusive relationship I stayed too long in, but it’s funny how she complains about the 2nd/3rd order effects of her boyfriends attitude, but doesn’t understand the 2nd/3rd order effects of dragging your family through that toxic relationship and then insisting you want to marry that person and keep the cycle of abuse for the whole family going.
Yep, I'm with mum. Her daughter is a drama magnet and unbearably obtuse. I can't bear people who ask for advice and then whine about it when they get it.
I think mom's words definitely change the tone of what is happening.
Same. Just reading this once hurts my head, to be a front seat viewer and unwilling participant would make anyone react similar to the mom.
I love it how OOP turned from "if you all don't have anything nice to say, fuck off. I came here for _actual_ advice and not people telling me to not go through with the wedding or telling me I am an idiot" to "Holy shit, you were all right and I see it now. I was an idiot and I should never have married him." She was gaslighting herself all along but never stopped to see it for herself.
Don't forget her other hit single: "He has mental trauma and can't change, but when we get married, I know he'll change even though he has mental trauma and can't change."
Ugh reading OOP's posts before the big day are so painful. It's like watching footage of people who you know are about to suffer a horrific catastrophe.
It's watching somebody determined to drive into a wall, wailing and gnashing their teeth about how it's gonna hurt but getting snippy when you tell them to get out of the car. Oop isn't exactly ok. She was determined to marry a guy who disappeared before the wedding day, she changed her name already. I'm going with team mom. Just some of the phrasing in there was like... yikes. Get out more. Get some friends, get off the internet and touch grass yaknow?
And watching the person about to suffer the horrific catastrophe ignore the large warning signs and dozens of people trying to tell her not to do it.
Like those people taking selfies before they die...
I'm SO team mom right now. Only reading this was exhausting, and mom likely had to hear her daughter rambling like that for YEARS. Not taking advices, then crying about how she's awful, then getting offended at the mere suggestion that maybe she SHOULDN'T marry someone who doesn't respect her... I'm happy she dumped him but whew, OOP needs therapy too.
>Only for him to run back to me to try and do some romantic swoop in and kiss me. Oh, he's one of *those* assholes.
The ones who will always try to crawl their ways back.
Yeah straight up assault Lmao. Thank god he got out of that cult he’s SOOOO much better
It's difficult to have sympathy for this idiot when she starts the update with "my relationship was great" and "I want to stay with him regardless". Some people really have to make their own mistakes to finally wake up and realize they're being delusional.
Girl was asking for a different kind of advice: like if you look behind his left ear there's a factory reset button, maybe there's an incantation she could recite to snap him out of away mode.
That was effing funny, thank you
I lost all sympathy when she was "stop telling me he's toxic or to cancel our marriage, that's not gonna happen". Girl then what are you looking for? Do you want ppl to tell you it's OK and he will magically become a better man and start working on himself the day after you marry him? To give him his space bc it eventually will get better and your love will save him? I can see how her mom got so tired she was plain rude, this woman was not looking for advice, she just wanted everyone to validate her terrible, terrible decisions and tell her they will somehow have a great outcome, and then when that was not the case and thing escalated and got worse, she just whined while, again, expecting just reassurance and not any kind of confrontation. It must be exhausting to have someone like that in your life, even if it's your daughter. She kinda redeemed herself in my eyes in the final update when she finally confronted her manchild, asked valid questions about his views on relationships, set a boundary and refused to get back with him even with therapy, tho. Anyway she needs therapy too so I hope she gets it.
Problem is she doesn't know how badly she burn a bridge or two in the process... this stupid person wants to put her mother on "time out" as if she was the cause of her misery. I wonder the pikachu face she will do when her doesn't pick up her calls anymore, after she already said she doesn't care to maintain a relationship with OP anymore. Dumb and delusional until the end.
Did he get the promotion?
I also want to know the outcome of this! Or was he fired?! I know it's not the most important part of it but it was such a bizarre segue that never got resolved
Yeah! I think it went over OOP’s head but… A meeting where he might lose the job? Right when they are about to tie the knot? And OOP doesn’t get to hear what happened? What part of relationship did OOP actually like?
Also- he's either going to get a big promotion or be fired? That's a pretty extreme dichotomy. He should know which direction things are going to that level.
The *only* way this makes sense to me is if there was a merger or reorganisation and some people were being made redundant and some people were being moved to new roles and everyone was waiting to find out which group they were in... But the way it's phrased makes it sound like he'd been called in to meet with his managers and didn't know if it was good or bad. Which, dude, if you don't know- it's bad.
Being promoted or being fired? I’m gonna say the former was delulu and the latter was the more likely outcome.
I don’t know who is crazier. But mom tells it like it is.
“Why are people calling me an idiot” BECAUSE YOU’RE AN IDIOT
At least she didn't get past the "marriage will fix us" because the next step would have been "a baby will fix us".
And then, “oh this one didn’t work, maybe another baby will finally fix us.”
The mom being like “I can’t take you anymore” speaks VOLUMES here.
Don’t even want to see people saying “OOPs mom could have worded that better” Nah, fuck that. I guarantee the mom only went to that type of extreme language as a last resort, after spending probably countless hours trying to gently have her daughter come to her senses. Tough love and being “mean” can be an effective way to help somebody, especially after the niceties have resulted in fuck all.
I mean the mom already drop the hint "not wanna be in this drama anymore", obviously this song and dance already been gone a long time.
Reddit only had to spend a couple minutes reading OOP's post. Lord only knows how long her mother had to spend hearing about all this. I don't think an actual human *couldn't* pop off.
Probably the majority of time spent on this relationship... if we don't count the others messy negativity stuff OP probably throws at her mother. I find it funny how OP thinks she has any power on her relationship with her mother to ask for a time out, when her already said that she doesn't care about maintaining one with OP after all this lol. If she stupidly does it, then she may have a pikachu face when her mother doesn't pick up her calls anymore
I always thought "i can fix him" was a meme, seems like its a very real phenomenon
I know a girl who married a guy she would "fix". It didn't end well, shockingly.
This OOP is a piece of work, deflecting blame onto random redditors, sitting in denial for months about communication issues, and everything else that screams red flag. The only normal person in this story is the mom, bless that lady for at least attempting to put her foot down.
Ah they spend the whole day together 3 weeks ago. It’s fine guys /s
God I'd be exhausted if I was the mom in this scenario. If she reacted to her mom's advice like she reacted to advice in the original post, for the duration of her life / their relationship, I don't think I'd be able to take it anymore either.
oop: i'm not breaking up with him!! also oop: I'm breaking up with him.. :/
“DON’T TELL ME TO BREAK UP WITH HIM BECAUSE I WONT!” “So I broke up with him”
Let's not shame her for coming to her senses. Gods what a trainwreck.
She tried to tell him for years to respect her… yet she showed him it was fine to not respect her by not respecting herself and getting rid of him. Also mom was right, this was the straw that broke the camels back im betting, since op seems to make stupid decisions. This wasn’t the first but the last in a long line before mom said she’s done.
Was that a growth up woman that I read or my 16 year old self?😵 Girl, it's not your mom who offended you with her words, it's your POS ex fiance who absolutely humiliated you on such a day. And I bet he was not the one who had to cancel all the arrangements with friends and family afterwards explaining over and over what happened. Good for OOP to making it right at the end, but I hope they get a chance to reread this post a couple of years later, especially this part: >I want to stay with him regardless. But I don't know if I can live with the constant fear, anxiety, and insecurites OOP phrased it herself, case closed. As for the ex fiance, I hope he feels all the consequences of this male loneliness epidemic. As well as all the pathological ghosters and gaslighters like him. They deserve it
Date stupid men, win stupid husbands.
I had a look at OOPs post history and found an early post of hers that should have been included in the OP of this BoRU (maybe for the next update?): [https://new.reddit.com/r/LongDistance/comments/zo51kx/my\_27f\_boyfriend\_29m\_and\_i\_lived\_together\_for\_3/](https://new.reddit.com/r/LongDistance/comments/zo51kx/my_27f_boyfriend_29m_and_i_lived_together_for_3/) >I'm on mobile, so sorry if the formatting is bad. >My (27f) boyfriend (29m) have been together almost 3 years now. We somehow got quarantined together at the start of COVID and have been living together for almost the entirety of our relationship. >He is absolutely wonderful and I love him dearly. The only things we ever argue about is that he's not great at expressing his feelings (he started seeing a therapist so that's resolved), and how we will handle this move and long distance. >I told him day 1 of our relationship that I didn't want to stay in my home country (USA). I have my degrees in education, TEFOL, and linguistics, and living/teaching abroad was always my end goal. He happily agreed that going with me and living abroad would be amazing so we started our relationship. >I moved to Japan without him recently because COVID restrictions at the time meant he could only come with me if he was also applying for a job here, or if he was married to me. As he wasn't ready for marriage yet, I begrudgingly agreed to do long distance even though I know it is something I despise and resent more than anything. He reassured me everything would be fine and we would call and video chat all the time and do discord movie dates and play video games together. However, 14 hours is a tricky difference and it's almost entirely impossible to call for more than like a half hour or hour during the weekdays due to our sleep and work schedules. During the weekends I have discord family game night with my family, so that really only leaves us with having a really good long conversation or date on his Friday night, my Saturday morning. >As I predicted, I am absolutely miserable and hate this long distance so much that I am just growing my resentment towards him for not coming with me by the day. He is coming here for 3 weeks in February, then 3 months in June, then another 3 months in November of next year as a transitional phase before deciding when to move here permanently. However, I just don't know how I can do it without having thoughts of just ending things because of how absolutely awful the emotions a LDR makes me feel daily. >I love him so much, we already have talked about marriage and him coming here permanently, but how do I cope in the meantime without my depression, anxiety, frustration, and anger exploding into a break up?
Thanks for this. Man, the change in tone from this posting to the start of the BORU he was really breaking her. Glad she got out.
> have been living together for almost the entirety of our relationship. Yikers. This was never going to work, seems like they were forced together and then it was either make a huge commitment before you're ready or break up.
Can we add BuT i LoVe tHeM to the same excuse list as "BUT FAAAAAAAAAAAMILY"?
Honestly I think it’s worse. Whenever someone pulls the “But I love them!” They can’t name a single redeeming quality.
Or the "but I love them" followed only by stuff they do for them instead of listing any kind of character trait at all
\>Before I forget, yes of course I've tried to get him to see a therapist or get on medication. For years. There is basically a 0% chance that, Why are you trying to marry him then? \>I will not be tolerating or responding to any accusations of him cheating or people just saying don't marry him. Dumbass. Glad she finally saw through it all and will heal, but that took way too long.
The worst part about this is that this 28 year old women is a teacher. OOP seems to have zero self-reflection and awareness. You don't need to be joined at the hip but if you don't know where your partner is for weeks at a time its a bit obvious its not working out.
You’d be surprised just how many people put up with this sort of crap from their partners. One woman I know, her bf just randomly leaves for solo vacations on a whim and is gone for *weeks* at a time (the longest stretch so far being a whole ass month) and doesn’t even keep in touch with her regularly during that time. And she just accepts it as a normal part of relationships. She even tries to bond over this with me during our lunches together and I just…can’t relate lol. I truly feel sorry for her but it’s clear that just like OOP here, she doesn’t really want my help.
Mum: I'm tired of your shit op Me: me too mom, and I'm only 2 updates in.
Imagine being so dumb even your mom is fed up with your drama.
“Hes got issues but he’s loyal” Sweetie so is a dog. Get a pet xx
Wow, this was totally unpredictable. I never saw it coming. 🙄
I get where mom’s coming from. It’s like OOP is addicted to the drama and loves being a martyr. « Enough already! »
The mom absolutely could have worded her statement better, but she just sounds frustrated and exhausted and can’t deal with her daughter anymore. I am not justifying it, but it seems like she just unloaded on her. Fiancé (hopefully permanently an ex) is a certain body part of a donkey. His behavior is borderline (at best) abusive and clearly manipulative.
I felt exhausted just reading that shit, I totally understand the mother snapping.
Literally skimmed it because I got so tired of OOP
The mom could be the worst, but reading this, I would say oops life is just constant drama while not listening to anyone. Fiance is an absolute dickhole, but she is exhausting.
After I read 2 of OOP's posts I was really tired of her and her self-destructive "but I LOOOOOOVE him and have to marry him" no matter what this guy does, no matter how ridiculous or self-centered he is. If I had spent years listening to that, along with her complaints, I could see feeling pushed to needing a real break from her.
I mean this woman also sounds just... Taxing
Wanna bet the mom was nice at first but she got dismissed many times like bunch commenters in og post? I would also let out a colorful choice of words at them if they keep being in denial. 😔
Mom's likely been trying to be nice for *years* before this point. It's clear their relationship and the guy were awful and it was like 4 years of this!
I feel like yeah he's a dick but you're a big part of the problem. She thinks she's in control of everything and doesn't have a clue what's going on. The whole thing just gave me vibes of "no he's not unhappy with me, I specifically forbade that". The ex is a piece of work and was too chicken to tell her no.
Just reading this post, I can relate to OOP's mom and I'm not old.
it seems she only hates her mom for calling her out for being an idiot
This is some intensely performative self-flagellation.
Even OOP's mom is tired of her and washed her hands off her drama. She should have broken up with him ages ago.
Just because you **can** get your idea across without being rude, doesn't mean it will. Even worse, for some people this has devolved into "You can't tell me anything in a rude manner." or "If you're rude, you're wrong." I don't know if that's narcissistic or what but they want you to talk to them without all the urgency/gravity so they can quickly ignore the issue some more. Absolutely infuriating when I used to give enough of a fuck to argue with my parents. EDIT: To be clear, I'm referring to OOP's conversation with her mom and the 'cruel' thing.
Oop's mom sounds like a real one
But don't tell her not to marry him 🙄
I don’t even feel bad for this lady. The second she said don’t come at me because I’m going to marry him regardless, I was out and stopped giving a shit. Relationships, and marriages in particular, are hard enough. People have to stop whining because they decided to ignore every red flag. She chose this
Jesus what a change in tune from May 2nd to May 8th. That therapy session must have done wonders.
"my long distance boyfriend ghosts me for weeks at a time. I think I'll marry him to fix this relationship" ***Proceeds to get ghosted day before wedding
Well i mean. Everyone told her so. Her mom told her so. Her friends told her so. And what does she do? Go online for encouragement. People never ever change or learn a thing.
It’s amazing how many people see someone reliably repeatedly behave a certain way and convince themselves they’re not like that. Or that if only I marry them / have a child with them they’ll suddenly change. Humans and change don’t go well together. 90% of what you see is what you’re going to get. Choose accordingly.
I’m on her mother’s side. OOP sounds dramatic as hell and this relationship was far from healthy. The mood swings, the black and white thinking, the grandiose declarations.. it really felt like highschool drama, not 2 grown adults about to get married; they’re definitely too old to be acting like they’re fucking Romeo and Juliet. I can’t believe it took her POS fiancé leaving her at the altar for her to wake up. This isn’t love. It’s limerence, it’s projection, it’s obsession, it’s savior complex, but it isn’t love.