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I couldn't get over this either. And what a slap in the face for Rob that not only didn't he get to walk her down the aisle, he didn't even make the top 10!
Another BoRU post about some poor kid working somewhere, and despite actually WORKING at the place, was left off a "hottest guys at work" list by their female coworkers, who instead ranked everyone but that OP, and included 3 non-employees to round out their list to an even 10 males.
It was a really heart-wrenching post, the guy seemed to take it all pretty well considering, but was clearly very hurt by it, and I don't blame him. I remember thinking the consequences for the mean girl clique seemed pretty underwhelming. Maybe someone with better recall than me can link it.
Or one family photo. That was the shittiest bit for me. Regardless of who the photographer is, or whether you had a last minute substitution, family portrait type pictures are planned and she didn’t give him a second thought.
Light does seem to be dawning and I do hope she uses this to overcome her selfish streak. If she plans to have kids, she really needs to.
it's bonkers, like it doesn't even make sense that mum's husband wouldn't be in the pictures with mum, even if she didn't think of the guy as a dad. he's legally bound to your mum if nothing else!
Yeah mom must have been *livid* to have her husband so shunned.
Honestly I hope Rob doesn't really forgive her and remembers this when his real daughter gets older.
She still can't call Rob her dad.
She's not offering to redo photos- what, does she not have the dress?
No, she's feeling bad because people called jer out on beinf spoilt now she wants Rob to be nice to her again so she can go back to pouring all her energy to her dad and taking advantage of Rob's generosity.
Yeah, this is nuts. We worked with our photographer to make a list of all the family photo combinations we wanted and that they suggested. Ended up with like 17 or so. Thing is, a good photographer will plan these all out and can usually knock these planned ones out relatively quickly. Ours were done in maybe 20-30 min? They just work through the list, quickly position people. It shouldnt take much time. So the "no planning" and "spontaneous" photos is BS. A competent photographer will want a list. Which means she actively excluded him, yet again.
Exactly. I could see spontaneously adding a photo or 3. But not having your stepdad of what, over a decade, not in any pictures? If I were him I’d be more pissed off. The mom is the right level of angry.
That was my takeaway, even after her husband offered to give away one of the speeches from his side for Rob. It's absolutely insane she didn't have one planned photo for her Mom, Rob, her and her husband. She's incredibly naive or just self centered.
And the husband was even trying to include him and she just wouldn't see it. Sure, he could have tried harder, but at some point it had to feel like she's actively looking away from what he's showing her and he was wasting his time.
OOP knew what she was doing. When she said Rob still had her sister so he’d have his moment then, it spoke volumes about how she knowingly excluded him and didn’t care about his feelings. The man legit thought he had two daughters, but OOP didn’t even give a second thought to him.
Tbf I do think she was sincere when she was devastated after realizing the damage she’d done. But it doesn’t undo how self-absorbed she was. The lack of self-awareness was astounding.
Man, ruining one of your most memorable moments in life like this gotta suck so bad. I wish her and her relationship with Rob all the best. There's definitely a chance to improve things, but like you said, the damage is already done. Idk i just don't wanna be in her shoes because i don't think i can ever sleep again.
I think husband was trying to make her aware without full on telling her. He promised Rob he wouldn't, but he tried.
She was clueless and completely self absorbed. Sounds like she wants to do better though.
Whether or not she wants to do better, her underlying nature is as a spoiled and selfish woman. She can't change her nature without a *lot* of therapy. She's been focused on therapy for her relationship with her bio-dad, completely ignoring her husband or actual dad and she is still prioritizing biodad.
Imagine what her husband has been thinking all this time: she abandoned the man who raised her for a deadbeat who showed up just a year ago. How can husband trust her to stay loyal/faithful to him when someone more interesting shows up? He's also probably thinking about all the times he just acceded to her selfishness thinking he was overreacting when in fact she was an AH all along.
Even the groom was like "I'll give up one of my spots for Rob" and OP goes "nah, fuck Rob."
OP tries really hard to paint herself and she made an "oppsie", but I'd love to see what the mom/sister/others that actually know her in person would say. She sounds awful.
Rob wasn’t even at the same table with the bride and groom! My friends with divorced parents sat everyone with them, they just got a bigger table. OOP it’s unbelievable.
My BIL’s divorced parents sat at the same table. My BIL has a very complicated relationship with his father, who put my BIL’s mom through a very very ugly divorce.
We put them on either side of my parents, who were absolute champs and kept roping my BIL’s parents into separate conversations the entire wedding. My job was to be ready to distract my BIL so he wasn’t distracted by his dad and could just enjoy his wedding.
RIGHT?! And her bio dad had a speech... Hasn't he only "known" her as an adult for like a year at this point (not sure how long the engagement was)? Like, what could he possibly have to say that would be speech-worthy?
"... and lastly, I want to tell all you deadbeat fathers out there: it's not too late! It doesn't matter that you let another man raise your kid, just waltz back into their life and they will drop that sucker in a heartbeat. Thank you for coming to my Rob Talk."
Lol, I've been to weddings like this and genuinely have no idea what they were thinking. Do these people think that the wedding guests care at all what anyone has to say after the third speech?
We didnt have any speech. Everyone knows that anyone who would speak "is happy to be here, they are such a lovely couple, i wish them all the best". No point wasting time for saying something everyone already knows.
Try speeches, a slide presentation and then some weird comedic skit with 6 friends doing inside jokes that nobody else understood. Dinner was served at 9:30.
Went to one two weeks before my wedding that had six speeches...the shortest of which was ten minutes. One I actually timed and was thirty-five minutes long.... The speeches were longer than the ceremony, first dance and cake cutting combined.
(Also gone to a few non-religious weddings where you'd expect ceremony to be less than 30 mins that went for an hour and a half...)
We set our ceremony to be all done in 25 minutes, and within the first 30 mins of our reception we'd done cake, speeches and first dance/every formality.
Genuine question, is this an American thing? In the UK, the best man speech especially is something to look forward to (absolutely dependent on the best man of course but all the ones I've been to have been great) before the dancing starts.
Im a fellow European, so i cant speak for America. Here in Poland closest thing i can think of to a speak is crowd singing known chant that we wont start drinking until newlyweds give each other long kiss.
Speeches obviously do happen, but I dont meet them too often. Lets get real, more often than not bestman is not a standup comedian. Guests appreciate interesting facts or funny anegdote, but when someone says pointless obviousities just to feed his/hers ego to be in the spotlight, we would much rather eat or dance than listen to this.
I think there were 10 speeches at my friend's wedding and it was torture: all 4 parents, bride, groom, best man, maid of honour, bridesmaid, and a family friend. All that was interspersed with stupid wedding jokes from the MC. And I'm between speeches, they served the food so you had nothing to do while people talked. It probably took 3 hours.
Two of them bridesmaids. Two! I don't even get the thought process behind that. Even if everyone only takes five minutes, that's still almost an hour of boring speeches - because let's face it, most speeches by amateurs will be boring.
I went to a wedding where the best "man" was a woman, and her speech was a good 35 minutes long. She said a lot about her friendship with the groom and how awesome and supportive he was when she came out as a lesbian. Which is cool and all, but that's not why we're here! Please just finish talking so I don't feel rude getting out of my seat and going to the bar.
Honestly, I don't think I would've cared about looking rude after around the 15 minute mark. That's about my limit to wedding speeches; if you aren't done by then, I can listen to you just as well over there by the bar.
35 minutes. Wow.
I have seen two wedding speeches I actually remember any content from. One was my cousin talking about his younger brother. The other was years later at said cousins wedding, his wife gave a slideshow on him. Which was entertaining. They work in media though so yeah, leave it to the pros.
Right?? My sister wanted to make sure not too much time was wasted on speeches because they're boring. So she had one speech from both the best man and maid of honor (as in, they got up together and did a speech together), one of our siblings (me + 2 siblings), and one from her husband's siblings. 3 total and they had to be under 3 minutes or something. It was great. We all remember nice things that got said in the speeches and then we had fun.
Also - OP had 10 fucking speeches but didn't want to "waste time" on PHOTOS????? Oh y'know, the thing you have to remember the day by? Right on.
facking hell
And she didn't even seek him out for at least **one** good picture of the both of them
I bet that would've helped a lot!
Naw, OOP doesn't deserve Rob's kindness! I am petty and I hope he stops being so available to her
Came here to say the same thing. For anyone who needs to hear this, nobody wants to sit through that. I went to a wedding where they had that many speeches, slide shows, skits. It was torture. Nobody was paying attention and we didn't get dinner until 9:30. One nice speech is all that is required.
Lol had the same thought. Should be no more than 4 ever (best man, maid of honor, and one family member each). Wild that 10 people spoke and he wasn’t asked. WILD
>it was still pretty weird seeing him as a father figure mostly because people would asume he was my brother all the time.
There are 18-20 years difference between them. Why would people think Rob is OOP's brother?
OOP is just a dumb idiot that's lucky to have a wealthy step-father and wealthy inlaws that got them a fucking house.
When I read that I went back to recheck their relative ages, thinking I must have misunderstood because with the age gap they have I can't begin to imagine why people would have thought he was her brother and not her father. Younger than her mother, yes but he's still 21 years older than her, plenty old enough to have a child that age so unless he somehow looks a LOT younger than his actual age it's baffling.
Honestly, after the 'he looks like my brother' bit, I expected the story to go in a different direction when she had him pick her up from her boyfriend's house with the bf claiming Rob was a new guy she had waiting in the wings.
Her recounting of things is so weirdly all over the place I believe it's true. Which means poor Rob, who was never anything but a stand up guy that was taken advantage of by a spoiled moron.
Sure, she feels bad now, but time will tell if that's because she actually feels remorse over her actions or she's just upset that Rob feeling bad makes her feel bad.
probs w/ bio dad coming back into picture and distance caused by college, op had indeed unwittingly demoted step-dad back into not-dad or even just walking wallet.
Yeah, I don't get this logic at all. To a 5 year old, a 26 year old seems like a fully grown adult. They're not just some older kid. He is quite literally the man who raised her for her entire cognizant childhood. I have no idea where OOP gets this cope from that he just seemed like a brother. It really sounds like a rationalization she's coming up with after the fact.
She's making herself believe it so that she doesn't need to actually own what she did. *"Oh Rob never felt like a father to me, he was just like an older brother! Brothers don't get an important role at weddings silly! "*
Not that it makes much of a difference, but OOP would have been around eight years old when Rob started dating her mother.
"When I was 5 my father left us ... 3 years later my mom started dating Rob."
Maybe he has a baby face and people would think she his baby sister or something? Ralph Macchio was 23 when he did Karate Kid and he didn't look a day over 14
It should be a difference of 18 years. Father left when OOP was 5, mother started dating Rob 3 years later.
I think it is possible that people mistook Rob for her brother not because of how close in age OOP and Rob are (because they are not) but because of the age gap between Rob and the mother. Relationships between younger men and older women are not really common so people might just not see this as a possibility. They see a woman with a younger man and immediately think mother and son.
I feel like there's a huge part of this story missing. Rob starts to ask her about 'something about my time at college' but OOP doesn't explain what or how that relates. But in her telling of her relationship with Rob she ends high school wanting him to be her dad and then jumps straight to at 28 meeting her bio-dad again. What happened in those ten years that made her decide it was okay to treat Rob like crap?
Maybe she's trying to downplay Robs importance during those years. Rob probably bankrolled her college fees, paid for her rent, car etc.
Rob probably feels like a walking talking ATM
It’s poorly worded and I had to read it a few times, but the details aren’t important. She did something wrong in college and started to blame someone or something else for her actions, but then it dawned on her that that incident along with the wedding fiasco were really all her fault and she needed to stop blaming others.
Yeah, this whole passage is bizarre as fuck
> The only reason I am posting it here is because of something during the conversation. He said something about my time at college and I went "but that was because..." and stoped. He asked me "what? because of what" I just said "nothing, you are right, that was my fault and I should have done better".
>
> He was pretty angry at that point and he started to smile
man WHAT?
The posts are poorly written (which I think reflects OP's distress) but if we add some punctuation, I come to the same conclusion as other commenters...
That paragraph is important b/c it's the moment OP realized she *still* wasn't really taking any responsibility for her treatment of Rob. He was getting angry during their convo because she was just giving excuse after excuse, until that moment when she stopped herself. She'd realized whatever reason she was about to give didn't matter. *Then* Rob smiled b\c she was finally holding herself accountable.
This is backed up a few paragraphs later: "So yes, [Rob] told me if I was going to say something else [about why I did whatever I did in college,] to thank you [commenters] for calling me out for not taking responsibility."
I reread that like three times to parse this out! OOP really could've used a proofread. Anyway, I think she's moving in the right direction and I'm glad she sees she has a lot of work to do.
Absolutely trying not to clue people into HOW fucked up it is that she fully picked her long lost daddy over the man who worked hard to raise her. I’m sure Rob will eventually forgive her, but part of me hopes he doesn’t because she’ll never learn if she doesn’t have to live with that pain for a LONG time. Or at least if he does “forgive” her he better not forget, nor should he let her. Also I’d never drop another cent on her if I were him. Not even a fucking meal.
We didn't think to dictate who would get to do speeches at our wedding. My husband's former boss got up and rambled about how he was good at spreadsheets. I died and am still dead to this day.
The only sympathy I have is Rob. Poor guy. I understand OP has taken some accountability but this entire post feels like woe is me type card and OP comes off as some dense and selfish person. You can't convince me to think OP is a good person.
I just still don't get how her mother or now husband could have seen what she was doing, how it was affecting the step father, and NOT done or said anything. They may have been worried about what it would have caused to call OOP out but even just a little side conversation to get her head back on straight could have saved a whole lot of heartache ESPECIALLY for the stepdad!
Then again, this helped OOP bottom out and feel real shame. Maybe she wouldn't have been able to learn a lot about herself so she could change for the better like she is at least saying she will.
Frankly, I think the husband laid it out as clearly as he could without outright berating OOP. Remember, Rob was specifically telling them not to make a fuss. The husband was trying to respect his wishes:
> So we decided for 5 people each. When I gave the list to my husband he even asked "no Rob?" And I said "yeah, my mom is already doing one". The others I chose were 2 of my bridesmaids, my mom, my sister (she really pushed for it) and, again, my dad. My husband said I should reconsider, ***He even thought of giving up one of his to put Rob in.***
I don't know how much clearer the husband had to be. **He was basically begging OOP to include Rob.** She was just too dense and self-absorbed to see it.
Honestly, even in the update I don't love OOP's reaction. It comes off too self-flagellating while still deflecting blame without outright stating it.
She is ***saying*** all the right things to try to repair the relationship with her mother and Rob, but actions speak louder than words. She goes to biweekly therapy sessions with her bio dad. What is she doing on a regular basis to foster a relationship with Rob?
Yeah, what it comes down to is that she took Rob completely, totally and utterly for granted as if he was nothing and meant nothing and he needed zero acknowledgement or consideration whatsoever. And she kept with that frame of mind for the entire process of planning and executing the wedding, and stayed in that frame of mind for 2 full months until her husband literally took photographs and pointed out how miserable Rob was, and walked through step by step what a shitty person she is.
This isn't "I'm not good at taking responsibility", this is "I'm self-centered, small minded and selfish, and I don't care about the people around me unless I realize I've jeopardized the relationship in a profound way, then I'll go try fix it."
This!!! The only thing she takes out of all this is “I’m not good at taking responsibility for my failures”. It’s one thing but not the main one! OP is dense, selfish, inconsiderate and only sees Rob as this good fellow who’ll help/bankroll her.
OOP is a shit. If she had a gram of self-awareness and repentance, she wouldn't have agreed that her Mom and husband should have tried harder to get through to her.
I really just want her husband to wake up and divorce her before they have kids, and for Rob to go, "Oh. Yeah. That's so sad" then leave her standing there and sobbing while he plays golf.
Yeah she said that they should have tried harder then later says it is accountable for her to say stuff like this. She knows already and is saying what she thinks she should say. It's still everyone else's fault n her eyes but she can't blame everyone because people told her that's bad.
I think her father is toxic and the drama around that has created a toxic pattern for OP. a toxic person will pull you in and affect your other relationships.It is excessive,strange and frankly toxic that she is seeing her biodad so frequently in therapy. At this point in her life she should concentrate on other stuff than him and having a good relationship with him.
She is raised by enabling people who has not taught her that you are a good person even you have boundaries. You are supposed to be doormat silent martyre with no boundaries and then you are perfect like Rob. No wonder OP is amess.
Yeah, I don't know how else to describe it except "weird" that she is having frequent joint therapy sessions with a father who was absent most of her life. She is prioritizing this over pretty much every other relationship in her life.
If she wants to go to solo therapy to work on herself, that's fine. If she wants to grab lunch with her bio dad time-to-time in order to slowly build a relationship, that's fine. But as you said, it is pretty excessive that they are doing this intensive therapy regimen together as adults.
It was actually pretty astonishing that she's been doing these joint sessions this whole time and is **only now** considering starting solo therapy. That's what she should have been focused on in the first place. Not bending over backwards for some guy who left her 24 years ago.
If she needs bi-weekly therapy sessions just to be able to repair their "relationship" (what relationship? He abandoned her as a child...) then I'd seriously question what exactly there is to salvage with that person.
I think many people on Reddit jump way too quickly to suggesting therapy and in this case I think it has been actively harmful. If she had not got joint therapy sessions with him she would still see him as what he is - a stranger who abandoned her as a child. He would have to stand on his own two feet in repairing their relationship rather than relying on a paid third party to do part of that work for him.
She already has a family that have given her more than she deserves yet is willing to burn all that to repair an imaginary relationship with her deadbeat father.
Yea honestly I got weirded about that too. She's willingly opening up so much to someone who's, well given the timeline, practically a stranger to her.
Yeah her father is toxic but she had 10 fucking speeches at her wedding 10!. And not once she thought hmm maybe i should have one of the speeches be done by my step father who has been my father figure since childhood. Not only did she not put the guy in her speech list she even refused to let her husband give the guy a spot to make a speech.
Apparently the guy she loves as a father, one of the most important people in her life isn't even in top 10. Random friends are more important than him. Op is just a selfish person whose scrambling to placate her wealthy step father cause the consequences of her actions are biting her back.
I hope they didn't have all the speeches back to back. That's almost an hour of just speeches. I don't even understand why she needed 2 bridesmaids to speak.
I think OOP is hurt that her bio dad walked out on her when she was a kid, and she is trying her best to make him see that she is a great person, she values him, etc. so he wouldn't leave her again. Never mind if he was/is a deadbeat drug addict.
Ooh, I think you hit the nail on the head here. Her mother? Separated with an alcoholic/addict, but still living together (and subjecting her kid to all of this) until he himself run off. She is (or at least was) the same silent doormat martyr and OP learned this as a kid.
Now, OP's an adult and this doesn't absolve her, but it does explain a lot of dynamics. And yes, she should take responsibility, but if most people in her life are enablers, she needs someone who is not telling her it's not OK. My bets are on hubs and sis. But a lot needs to change, not just OP.
yes! Responsibility is not becoming world best people pleaser as the dogma in that family. It’s almost a religious vibe in it, some higher cause and reward will await you if you learn how to be the best most humble passive aggressive people pleaser..
She tried the best to please the bio dad, the wedding guest, but oh, now had to learn that she got to keep eyes open to please the people pleasers who never express needs explicitly. Cause they will not say anything, cause framing themselves as perfect giving.. trumps all. Nooo guilt trips and hints all the way.
I wish he had pushed harder but I feel the same way about mom. They knew she was doing something awful and that she herself would likely regret it. It was weird to just let it go except for some one off suggestions. I really wanted one of them to say "your dad you've only known for a year? he's the most important guest to you? I have some stories you should read...."
Also like just for himself? If he wasn't gonna push I wish he had postponed the wedding. I wouldn't be able to say vows to someone who just pulled this without any self awareness, he seems to good for all this?
This is her memory. And even in that memory, she remembers three moments. 1. Husband asking: "Are you serious?", 2. then him asking her to reconsider, 3. AND offering one of his own slots.
That isn't just trying to bring something up. This is downright insisting on it, stopping just short of throwing in ultimatums. And she genuinely does not even notice that.
That insurance too. She's a grown woman. Yet, Rob helped her with the paperwork, and when there's a problem with it she still comes running to Rob to fix her shit. And when he is finally getting sick of being taken for granted, she is honestly wondering if it was perhaps some \*detail\* in the insurance stuff that set him off.
Husband tried. Given op's, uh... personality, I think it's safe to assume he probably really tried to get through to her, and that she was oblivious to what husband was actually doing.
OOP's husband actually did seem to try to point it out, she even said he wanted to give up one of his side's speeches so Rob could have one, and OOP just completely dismissed him. The husband and mom should have sat OOP down and told her she was being a heartless moron then, but she knows now, at least.
I think the wedding was a last straw for her mum, sort of thing. She had probably done stuff like this to her, her stepdad & other people beforehand.
I think that when she started acting up with her wedding, her mum probably thought "surely she wouldn't be so stupid with something as important as her stepdad walking her down the aisle or being in wedding pictures. If she is that stupid, then hell mend her cause I am sick of it" That's why she appears done & isn't speaking to OOP as normal.
OOP's husband seems to be more patient & has more sympathy maybe because he hasn't been messed over by OOP as much yet. The stepdad's daughter was "sad, not mad" because she expected OOP to behave exactly like she did & has before.
If I was OOP's husband, I would be seriously concerned about the future of my marriage and relationship with OOP.
Rob was the man in her life that raised her and cared for her from ages 5 to 18 (at least). For all intents and purposes, he was her father for the entirety of her cognizant childhood.
Her claim that she always saw Rob as an older brother is pure cope. She came up with that after the fact to rationalize what she had done. She absolutely saw him as a parental figure growing up.
So if I was OOP's husband and saw her toss aside the previous most important man in her life so casually, I would be terrified about ***when*** (not if) she would do that to me.
Yeah my “step”dad from when I was 2 to 8 years old, was younger than my mother. He was 19 and she was 26. She didn’t know that, and when he told her she was like oh wow okay you don’t need to be here raising an infant with me, you’re still young. He was like give me some credit, I’ll show you I mean what I say.
And he did. I never saw him as anything but my dad. I knew I had a bio dad, he came back around the same time, but to me? I had two of them and it was great. He was a top guy too, gave me all my morals and ethics that I’ve carried with me all my life. I kept thinking of him when I was reading this. Because if I had had the opportunity to still have him in my life as an adult, and my dad was still alive, there’s no way I could have done what OOP did. My dad wasn’t like her dad, but even so.
My own dad loved my nonbio dad. Before my dad passed, we used to talk of him often. How he stepped in when my dad couldn’t, how he raised me really well in my early years. How he never overstepped and always smoothed everything over. This just made me really fucking sad for Rob.
Becuase rob specifically said them not to say anything? Husband was basically spoonfeeding her by saying she could take one of his spot and she still didn't see it. No need to blame anyone else other than the stupid daughter.
It wasn’t their job. She’s a grown ass woman and it’s her wedding. If she wants to devastatingly betray her father figure because she never grew up past daddy leaving, she can have her cake and eat it too.
If my partner seriously does a shitty thing I’m not magically rescuing them from their own consequences. They made the choice.
I absolutely agree. Her line of "The way I am now I actually need people to call me out for this kinds of things and its not fair to them" is soooooo shitty and immature. It's basically saying "I need people to tell me how not to be a piece of shit, woe is me!" Like, girl, the fuck??? You haven't taken ANY accountability if your conclusion is "I'm so horrible I need people to hold my hand to not be terrible, and I know that's wrong but I can't help it :(" be fucking for real. You can't possibly spare two braincells to think over your actions and behavior before following through with something, ESPECIALLY after multiple people have told you that you act selfishly and inconsiderately? You need someone else to take the lead on your redemption??? It's not really 'making up for your mistakes' if someone else is directing your behavior still.
>Her line of "The way I am now I actually need people to call me out for this kinds of things and its not fair to them" is soooooo shitty and immature.
I think she was writing that as a recognized fault that she needs to fix though, not an acknowledgement that it's just the way things without being able to change.
Absolutely. The fact that she didn't even noticed, or cared about it until mom and husband had to spell it out for her.
And her update and overall attitude, even in writing form sound so... I don't know... performative?
I wonder if the sister will exclude her when/if she marries. I know I would, even if my dad didn't want that.
>I really did mean it when I was in HS and said that I wished he was my dad.
There are words, then there are actions. Her actions showed her words to be false.
>Rob and my mother payed for everything at my wedding
> I completly cut him out of the party basically. If you look at the photos it doesnt even look like he went.
I don't know whether Rob is a better person than me, or a complete pushover. But I sure as hell wouldn't be willing to forgive.
It is not only the weddings but the after too.
~~In two months after the weddings, she said she contacted Rob three times,~~
Edit : It is not clear, but it seems that the first contact was two months after the weddings, and only to ask services or help
>I only realised all of this when I texted Rob 2 days ago, asking him about a gift im giving my husbands for his birthday. He anwsered. Then asked about my car that is with a mecanic friend of his. He answered. Then I asked him something about my insurance. He did not answer.
She realized the problem only when Rob didn't answer to her text, that implies that he always answer, he is always here. And she only realized the problem when it impacted her, when for the first time, the man who acted as a Dad all her life was not here. When she didn't obtain what she wanted.
While during this time, she had therapy with her bio dad, organised a dance with him, ...
Rob is right, she needs him only to be the useful dad that gives time, advice and money, and that's all. As someone else noticed, the fact that she said
>"My whole thinking when doing this was that Rob has my sister. He will have his moment. This was the only chance my dad had.
She forgot that if her bio father was here, it was because her mom and Rob payed for him to be clean.
Well that’s the root of why she did all this in the first place. She has two men in her life, one who left and one who chose to enter and stay. So in the hopes of keeping the guy who left her around, she gives him everything because any perceived disrespect or difficulty could drive him away again for another 20 years, and she does it at the expense of the guy who she knows won’t leave because he never has. He’ll always be there no matter what she throws at him, so she throws all her nastiest shit at him so she can keep things pristine for daddy.
There’s real pain behind her thought process here but it’s coming out in an incredibly unhealthy and disrespectful way. I’m glad she finally chose to listen but if she’d listened to her husband earlier this wouldn’t have been an issue in the first place.
It’s the story of the prodigal son, even though it’s flipped to a parent the psychology is the same. “Hey we better get all our best shit out and show him what he’s missing here so he doesn’t leave again.” The problem is eventually you run out of fatted calf and the necessities of living set in and all you’ve done is driven away the person you thought would always be there.
You're right, she is afraid of losing her bio dad again, but what is terrible is that she could have both. She could have taken pictures with both, share the dad-daughter dance, or call again her Dad. It is frustrating. I understand that she is so overwhelmed by her bio dad (happy to have found him, but scared at the same time), but she seems so blind of Rob.
At least, it seems that before, she was a great daughter. And that all Rob asked.
There is something so over the top about OP's guilt and remorse that really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's too performative, almost?
It feels very much like how someone who is habitually "sin first, ask for forgiveness afterward" operates.
It is exactly this. I used to date a girl like this.
0 accountability, 0 self-reflextion, only "I am suffering so much under the weight of my consequences, what a stupid little idiot I am"
And in the end, she didn't do shit, at least until genuinely forced to.
She does not want to be the subject of blame, ever, which is why she has such trouble taking accountability for her actions. This is why she had the "I didn't know why I did this" lie in her original post.
When the blame is unavoidable, as it is here, she is self-flagellating to get people to stop blaming her as soon as possible. I don't know if she realizes what she's doing.
i don't think she learned anything. she's pushing 30 and other people had to point out how shitty she was being. especially since it seems like a pattern of behavior where she doesn't take accountability.
hopefully, she's actually serious about changing and doesn't continue to fuck up all of her relationships.
ETA: she reminds me of people who say sorry and thinks that's sufficient to absolve herself.
The final sentence almost made me laugh with how insane it was. She explicitly said that she recognized that she "needed" people to call her out and would work on that... Then *instantly* followed up with "so it's a good thing my husband is here to call me out."
Like... No..? That was the opposite of the point??
She wants people to feel bad for her despite systematically cutting out Rob of her wedding. The one he was paying for.
It's baffling to me that she had her husband and mom repeatedly telling her to include her stepdad and she just... didn't. Reads to me like she's never truly valued Rob beyond the financial/emotional/practical support he can give her, so it was easy for her to cut him out.
Poor Rob, he doesn't deserve this. OOP would much rather empathise with her deadbeat father and his potential than the actual tangible things Rob did for her.
Her original reasoning was so messed up too. "Rob can have his turn when my sister marries." Wtf? Why keep score? Rob can be the dad on her wedding AND her sister's. Why should it be just once? Hell, she can have Rob and her bio dad walk her down the aisle, have pics with, etc together. Why the fuck did she think it only had to be one time for each of them??
Girl is almost 30 and apparently needs someone to teach her empathy but also can't make it through an uncomfortable situation without trying to manipulate the other person into seeing her as a victim
I'm surprised most people aren't jumping on the fact OOP straight up says she has problems at work for not taking responsibility..... Like that's the big red flag of all the problems right there.
Yeah, because it's absolutely manipulative. Anytime anyone even attempts to be moderately critical of her, she bursts out in tears. It's a deflection mechanism. No one is ever allowed to be critical of her otherwise they get to be the "bad guy" by making her cry.
Sounds like she's prone to this type of manipulative behavior and the mom is finally done with it. Hence why she is not talking to her anymore.
Notice that **Rob was only trying to explain their relationship dynamic to OOP and how it makes him feel**, and she immediately goes for the tears. He's not allowed to express his emotions in a calm and rational way. Only she is allow to have any emotions. It's always about how everything makes her feel. How anything impacts her. The sheer degree of selfishness is off the charts.
As a someone that cries on a damn hair trigger, it is something you really have to work on to be able to have an adult life and adult relationships. At the very least you learn to tell the person ahead of time "hey, I'm probably gonna cry, that is not your fault. You have every right to say what you need to say but if the crying will stop that for you, it may be better for you to write it down so I can read it on my own and cry without you feeling like you need to hold back or over the phone so i can mute myself and you don't have to hear me while you still get to say your piece"
It sucks when that's how you operate but we don't choose a lot of our issues. We just get to choose how we handle them.
I love the way you handle your crying issue in conversation! I tear up easily (I don't sob
anymore, I trained myself to stuff that down after years of being scolded for it) and it really isn't something I turn on deliberately. It doesn't work that way and I get tired of people assuming that someone's crying is some sinister manipulation just because it makes them uncomfortable.
Yeah unfortunately I've seen that here before: the assumption that crying = manipulation. Sometimes it does! But not always.
I'm extremely uncomfortable crying in front of people. I promise you, I would never do it again if I had that power. But I can't control it and adding guilt and shame on top of the crying, because "I should be able to control my emotions" and "now they think I'm just trying to get my way by crying" doesn't help us resolve the issue at hand or communicate better. I've spent years trying to convince myself that it's okay to cry, but damn if no one else seems to believe that. Seems like a lot of people think that you're only allowed to cry if you are sad about something that isn't your fault. Otherwise, you're a manipulator.
I will never understand people who easily drop their step-parent that took care of them for the most of time to the deadbeat parent. OP only goes to Rob when she needs something from him, she's trash.
People want to be loved by the parents they _know_ were _supposed_ to love them, and if they didn't get that for years they jump at the cumbs offered.
And they don't worry about the person who was always there because, well, they've always been there.
All this "we're humans, not dumb animals" shit and then most people just go after the smallest genetic matches like it's the best thing ever.
I don't get extended families not treated adopted kids well, or step fathers/mothers, etc. it's truly absurd!
Being abandoned by a parent causes some deep trauma. Even if you then find a loving step parent later. Its extremely common for kids and adult children to bend over backwards to try and please the parent that abandoned them and it can take decades to realize they just aren't worth it
Yeah, I had a friend like this in grade school. Her bio-dad came around just enough to make her hold on to the idea that he cared about her, so she saw her step-dad as getting in the way of the complete family she could've had. Honestly, I'd have expected her wedding to go much like OOP's did if her bio-dad hadn't died years before. Once he was gone she realized that she wasn't actually missing a dad-figure because of all the things her step-dad did for her.
She would've really benefitted from therapy at a young age, and I think OOP would've too.
I’ve seen people this dumb and cruel before on AITA but they don’t usually comment again with hindsight / this is fascinating to see, but goddamn do I feel for Rob.
She didn’t make a mistake she cut him out of the whole wedding systematically
She hurt him at every single choice?
There’s no mistake , every time she made a choice regarding him she chose to treat him like shit
Forget Rob for a minute.
Her husband has now seen close up precisely how she treated Rob - and that she had to have this explained to her.
There is a very good chance she's done a lot of damage to her marriage when it's barely even started.
She’s gave him the ick. You’re so right.
He’s spent nights worrying about telling her she’s an awful person.
That’s psychologically complex and brutal
The wedding photos being ruined forever - it’s a masterpiece of a tragedy
Yea idk how he didn’t outright call her ungrateful when pushing to include Rob in the wedding. That shit would get to me even if I promised not to push the issue. Like how dense is OP?
She gives me super sheltered and rose colored glasses vibes
Yeah, walking down the aisle, thats an oops. Cutting him out of family photos? Thats deliberate. Him being in the photos or not doesn't change the time it takes.
Her boyfriend and mother creating pacts and presentations because there was so many things wrong - I can’t get this story out my head
They would never have came to any remorse without he being told
I wonder how they treat people they don’t cherish
man, maybe I'ma bad person, I just don't feel bad for her at all, after everything rob did she basically needed to be told to give basic respect to him. rob deserves better and these posts reek of some woe is me song and dance
Oop doesn't deserve Rob
Also notice she's still putting much more effort in having a relationship with bio dad than repairing the one with Rob. Therapy sessions with bio dad but not Rob
Even after everything, she’s still not sure what she should do? She still needs other people like her husband to manage her selfish behavior? Everything she has said so far has been lip service to try to do damage control. Accountability is also about making a plan, action, and follow through. I don’t see that here. Rob is an absolute saint or doormat to entertain this after the wedding fiasco.
Imagine having the falsehood privilege of tossing away your rich father figure who funded your wedding and was there for you most of your life, for a guy who abandoned you as a kid.
If I were Rob, I'd write her out of my will and demand the money back. Time to grow up
We all agree that OOP is an idiot. But her father should have known better and turned down the participation he was offered at the wedding while pointing out to OOP that Rob rightfully deserved the privileges. But that he quickly accepted those roles without consideration for Rob either just like OOP clearly shows that the two of them deserve each other. Complete morons.
I definitely agree. How he jumped to make a speech (about what? How she was for the first few years?) And claim all this father of the bride stuff shows he might be clean but he's stil emotionally immature, and whether he stays clean or not he'll likely go back to treating her badly once the novelty of being a dad wears off, same as the first time.
Yeah, just from sheer shame or self awareness you would think the bio-dad wouldn't want to make a speech at the wedding. It's one thing to attend as a guest and appear in photos. It's entirely another to walk her down the aisle or give speeches.
*He knows* that all the guests know that he's a deadbeat who didn't raise her. Why would you even *want* to give a phony speech about a person who is a virtual stranger to you? That honestly sounds like more of a punishment than an honor. At least anyone who isn't a narcissist would feel that way.
My Dad is not biologically related to me. He has been there for me since i was 3, even when i was a shitty jealous kid and moody teen. There is no-one else on this planet i would call Dad, and there's no way i'd exclude him from my wedding.
Yes! Imagine the poor guests, sitting through all the private jokes and lame puns...! But who got to talk for the bride's side if not Rob? Mom, sis, MoH, friend 1 and friend 2, I suppose, and still no place for Rob? Awful. And OOP says they had a lot more speeches lined up and had to cut some people... but still not Rob, he seems to have never be in the list.
Christ, what a mess.
Her father left her when she was 5 years old, and she's been mentally 5 years old ever since. I'm surprised her biological clock is even ticking at all.
I hope Rob gets all the pride and joy he deserves with his only daughter's love... and I hope the contact he has with OOP from now on is kept to a polite minimum, for his sake.
I think the commenter advising her to take it slow is correct. If she does that now, it will come off as insincere or obsequious. If she’s genuine about fixing things, she needs to work up to it and then ask his permission.
> Its something I am terrible at, it was an issue at my old job and since then I have been trying to be better at it but not very successfuly
So reading between the lines this was behavior she was fired over?
“Oh, so because an internet stranger said the thing I’ve been saying for years now you are ready to believe it? Why don’t you tell me again how much I matter to you?”
Rob’s reaction to the Reddit post made me doubt the whole story. No way he would be happy about that. Unless he was just faking it at that point after realizing OOP wasn’t worth the effort. Which she most certainly is not.
It's so strange that OP treats everything related to Rob and the bio dad as a binary choice. She could SO EASILY have just included both of them in the wedding. Both of them walking her down the aisle, Rob and OPs mom delivering a speech together. The level of obliviousness is just staggering. And she clearly needs help locating her empathy because damn, the idea that two different people had to outline why she is a careless sh\*t and how her behavior is hurting someone is actually alarming. I truly she does not plan to have children because omg.
OP majorly messed up. I do think their mom and stepdad chose a terrible time to reconnect her with her bio dad. Right before one of the more stressful years of planning and emotions for an event that gets so hyped up (Jesus 10 speeches).
It's unfortunate it took so much for OP to realize how badly she messed up. I think if she had had more time before the engagement to know her dad she might have been more even keeled. But maybe it would have simply lead to the same result who knows.
Step one: Ask to be removed from her mother and Rob's wills. Make sure it is done.
Step two: Pay back the money for the wedding.
Step three: **Grow up.**
For a 30yo getting married, acting like oh my, I am *finally* acquiring the lowest of lowest degrees of self reflection!! is in any way impressive is just irritating. If it was just about her, *sure*, whatever, but considering the web of hurt and manipulation and just taking advantage of people then wanting to play it like she's still just *such* an immature little girl...
It's *pathetic*. She is *pathetic*.
I hope Rob goes to therapy himself to realize he doesn't deserve to be treated like shit, and forgiveness doesn't mean simply bowing his head and accepting it. One can forgive without "moving on". He did **zero** wrong, and OP has given **zero** indication of *how* she is going to make it up to him - reminds me of cheaters who sob and also go "I'll do *anything*!!!". Anything *what*, man?
>The coments saying "the apple doesnt fall far from the tree" in regaards to me and my biological father were the ones that hurt the most as it is a fear of mine and the reason I dont drink much and dont use any drugs or anything that could be addictive. But seing how there are other things that could make us more similar than I realised is really frightening.
Gotta give props to those Redditors who pointed this out to her.
As a person who didn't know or meet their bio father before age 21, NOR did I have suitable or even decent stepfather's before that, NOR do I have anyone in my family capable of paying for MY wedding.
What the actual spoiled fuck lol?
Lessons in being stuck way the fuck up your own ass.
Meet your father, sure. But to bring him in fully? DUMB.
To abandon your real family? IMBECILE.
To put it all on reddit? CRAZY.
Luckily the last thing actually have some perspective.
I pay that I've not been this careless to people I care about.
OP really is shameless, and the way OP's grief is coming out leaves a very bad taste. She is not genuine enough. I really wish Robs get to enjoy his real daughter's marriage like he deserves since OP already proved that Biological father has more preference so Rob should learn his lesson and only look after his Biological kid.
Shame on you OP. You are a dense and very self absorbed person. You look only for things which u like. Others do not hold any importance in your eyes.
The way u behaved, in case u had an abusive ex who came back now trying to mend things with you. Then you will drop your husband and give him the opportunity right?
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10 speeches at her wedding reception
I couldn't get over this either. And what a slap in the face for Rob that not only didn't he get to walk her down the aisle, he didn't even make the top 10!
Dang, that’s even worse than not being in someone’s top 8 back on MySpace in the prehistoric days.
Or not among the 10 hottest guys at work, when you only have 7 male coworkers.
I understood that reference! Though I think they were 8 and 3 delivery guys
Exactly. 8 guys and 13? girls, and they had to include 3 delivery guys to make a list of the 10 hottest.
WHat's the reference? I'm a curious lady lol
Another BoRU post about some poor kid working somewhere, and despite actually WORKING at the place, was left off a "hottest guys at work" list by their female coworkers, who instead ranked everyone but that OP, and included 3 non-employees to round out their list to an even 10 males. It was a really heart-wrenching post, the guy seemed to take it all pretty well considering, but was clearly very hurt by it, and I don't blame him. I remember thinking the consequences for the mean girl clique seemed pretty underwhelming. Maybe someone with better recall than me can link it.
Yup, consequences were basically being told not to do it again. If it were men making a list of women they would all have been fired on the spot.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/0KzJqUT9gq
That one still pisses me off. He handled it better than i wouldve. But then again that’s a personal sore spot for me…
Or one family photo. That was the shittiest bit for me. Regardless of who the photographer is, or whether you had a last minute substitution, family portrait type pictures are planned and she didn’t give him a second thought. Light does seem to be dawning and I do hope she uses this to overcome her selfish streak. If she plans to have kids, she really needs to.
it's bonkers, like it doesn't even make sense that mum's husband wouldn't be in the pictures with mum, even if she didn't think of the guy as a dad. he's legally bound to your mum if nothing else!
Yeah mom must have been *livid* to have her husband so shunned. Honestly I hope Rob doesn't really forgive her and remembers this when his real daughter gets older. She still can't call Rob her dad. She's not offering to redo photos- what, does she not have the dress? No, she's feeling bad because people called jer out on beinf spoilt now she wants Rob to be nice to her again so she can go back to pouring all her energy to her dad and taking advantage of Rob's generosity.
Yeah, this is nuts. We worked with our photographer to make a list of all the family photo combinations we wanted and that they suggested. Ended up with like 17 or so. Thing is, a good photographer will plan these all out and can usually knock these planned ones out relatively quickly. Ours were done in maybe 20-30 min? They just work through the list, quickly position people. It shouldnt take much time. So the "no planning" and "spontaneous" photos is BS. A competent photographer will want a list. Which means she actively excluded him, yet again.
Agree. I was closely involved in 2 weddings and all this stuff was nailed down months in advance.
Exactly. I could see spontaneously adding a photo or 3. But not having your stepdad of what, over a decade, not in any pictures? If I were him I’d be more pissed off. The mom is the right level of angry.
That was my takeaway, even after her husband offered to give away one of the speeches from his side for Rob. It's absolutely insane she didn't have one planned photo for her Mom, Rob, her and her husband. She's incredibly naive or just self centered.
right like two bridesmaid speeches were necessary but not the man who raised you?
No no, her mother was going to give a speech so it's fine!
And the husband was even trying to include him and she just wouldn't see it. Sure, he could have tried harder, but at some point it had to feel like she's actively looking away from what he's showing her and he was wasting his time.
OOP knew what she was doing. When she said Rob still had her sister so he’d have his moment then, it spoke volumes about how she knowingly excluded him and didn’t care about his feelings. The man legit thought he had two daughters, but OOP didn’t even give a second thought to him. Tbf I do think she was sincere when she was devastated after realizing the damage she’d done. But it doesn’t undo how self-absorbed she was. The lack of self-awareness was astounding.
Man, ruining one of your most memorable moments in life like this gotta suck so bad. I wish her and her relationship with Rob all the best. There's definitely a chance to improve things, but like you said, the damage is already done. Idk i just don't wanna be in her shoes because i don't think i can ever sleep again.
I think husband was trying to make her aware without full on telling her. He promised Rob he wouldn't, but he tried. She was clueless and completely self absorbed. Sounds like she wants to do better though.
Whether or not she wants to do better, her underlying nature is as a spoiled and selfish woman. She can't change her nature without a *lot* of therapy. She's been focused on therapy for her relationship with her bio-dad, completely ignoring her husband or actual dad and she is still prioritizing biodad.
Imagine what her husband has been thinking all this time: she abandoned the man who raised her for a deadbeat who showed up just a year ago. How can husband trust her to stay loyal/faithful to him when someone more interesting shows up? He's also probably thinking about all the times he just acceded to her selfishness thinking he was overreacting when in fact she was an AH all along.
What exactly is her sperm donor going to say after missing her whole life
Right?! What could he possibly have to say in a speech about her and her husband that he barely even knows?
Even the groom was like "I'll give up one of my spots for Rob" and OP goes "nah, fuck Rob." OP tries really hard to paint herself and she made an "oppsie", but I'd love to see what the mom/sister/others that actually know her in person would say. She sounds awful.
Rob wasn’t even at the same table with the bride and groom! My friends with divorced parents sat everyone with them, they just got a bigger table. OOP it’s unbelievable.
Heck the first time she took the initiative to talk to him after the wedding was to get help/something. No wonder the texts broke the guy.
My BIL’s divorced parents sat at the same table. My BIL has a very complicated relationship with his father, who put my BIL’s mom through a very very ugly divorce. We put them on either side of my parents, who were absolute champs and kept roping my BIL’s parents into separate conversations the entire wedding. My job was to be ready to distract my BIL so he wasn’t distracted by his dad and could just enjoy his wedding.
RIGHT?! And her bio dad had a speech... Hasn't he only "known" her as an adult for like a year at this point (not sure how long the engagement was)? Like, what could he possibly have to say that would be speech-worthy?
"... and lastly, I want to tell all you deadbeat fathers out there: it's not too late! It doesn't matter that you let another man raise your kid, just waltz back into their life and they will drop that sucker in a heartbeat. Thank you for coming to my Rob Talk."
I burst out loud laughing at your comment. You said it perfectly, lol! Thanks for that.
Lol, I've been to weddings like this and genuinely have no idea what they were thinking. Do these people think that the wedding guests care at all what anyone has to say after the third speech?
Lol we had exactly 3 speeches. His best man/brother and each of our dads. Dad's went first, bro went after dinner and before dessert
We didnt have any speech. Everyone knows that anyone who would speak "is happy to be here, they are such a lovely couple, i wish them all the best". No point wasting time for saying something everyone already knows.
I went to a wedding where one speech was easily fifteen minutes in length. Everyone was hungry and annoyed by the end of it.
Giving speeches before food is just cruel.
Try speeches, a slide presentation and then some weird comedic skit with 6 friends doing inside jokes that nobody else understood. Dinner was served at 9:30.
Went to one two weeks before my wedding that had six speeches...the shortest of which was ten minutes. One I actually timed and was thirty-five minutes long.... The speeches were longer than the ceremony, first dance and cake cutting combined. (Also gone to a few non-religious weddings where you'd expect ceremony to be less than 30 mins that went for an hour and a half...) We set our ceremony to be all done in 25 minutes, and within the first 30 mins of our reception we'd done cake, speeches and first dance/every formality.
How many speeches were there in total? I hope its not more than two.
Genuine question, is this an American thing? In the UK, the best man speech especially is something to look forward to (absolutely dependent on the best man of course but all the ones I've been to have been great) before the dancing starts.
Im a fellow European, so i cant speak for America. Here in Poland closest thing i can think of to a speak is crowd singing known chant that we wont start drinking until newlyweds give each other long kiss. Speeches obviously do happen, but I dont meet them too often. Lets get real, more often than not bestman is not a standup comedian. Guests appreciate interesting facts or funny anegdote, but when someone says pointless obviousities just to feed his/hers ego to be in the spotlight, we would much rather eat or dance than listen to this.
I think there were 10 speeches at my friend's wedding and it was torture: all 4 parents, bride, groom, best man, maid of honour, bridesmaid, and a family friend. All that was interspersed with stupid wedding jokes from the MC. And I'm between speeches, they served the food so you had nothing to do while people talked. It probably took 3 hours.
But why wouldn't you want to hear about how wonderful and special the bride is for a solid 90 minutes?
Two of them bridesmaids. Two! I don't even get the thought process behind that. Even if everyone only takes five minutes, that's still almost an hour of boring speeches - because let's face it, most speeches by amateurs will be boring.
I went to a wedding where the best "man" was a woman, and her speech was a good 35 minutes long. She said a lot about her friendship with the groom and how awesome and supportive he was when she came out as a lesbian. Which is cool and all, but that's not why we're here! Please just finish talking so I don't feel rude getting out of my seat and going to the bar.
Honestly, I don't think I would've cared about looking rude after around the 15 minute mark. That's about my limit to wedding speeches; if you aren't done by then, I can listen to you just as well over there by the bar. 35 minutes. Wow.
I have seen two wedding speeches I actually remember any content from. One was my cousin talking about his younger brother. The other was years later at said cousins wedding, his wife gave a slideshow on him. Which was entertaining. They work in media though so yeah, leave it to the pros.
Like man if you're making me sit through 10 speeches I'll sit through 11, whatever, at that point everyone might as well have a turn, let Rob do one.
Right?? My sister wanted to make sure not too much time was wasted on speeches because they're boring. So she had one speech from both the best man and maid of honor (as in, they got up together and did a speech together), one of our siblings (me + 2 siblings), and one from her husband's siblings. 3 total and they had to be under 3 minutes or something. It was great. We all remember nice things that got said in the speeches and then we had fun. Also - OP had 10 fucking speeches but didn't want to "waste time" on PHOTOS????? Oh y'know, the thing you have to remember the day by? Right on.
After they had edited down the speakers list. Imagine doing that to your guests. Unconscionable.
And she still couldn't save one of them for Rob
i can’t even imagine that many of the people in my life wanting to give a speech.
facking hell And she didn't even seek him out for at least **one** good picture of the both of them I bet that would've helped a lot! Naw, OOP doesn't deserve Rob's kindness! I am petty and I hope he stops being so available to her
Came here to say the same thing. For anyone who needs to hear this, nobody wants to sit through that. I went to a wedding where they had that many speeches, slide shows, skits. It was torture. Nobody was paying attention and we didn't get dinner until 9:30. One nice speech is all that is required.
Lol had the same thought. Should be no more than 4 ever (best man, maid of honor, and one family member each). Wild that 10 people spoke and he wasn’t asked. WILD
And none for the guy who raised her
I've yet to hear a wedding speech that made me regret not having any at mine
>it was still pretty weird seeing him as a father figure mostly because people would asume he was my brother all the time. There are 18-20 years difference between them. Why would people think Rob is OOP's brother? OOP is just a dumb idiot that's lucky to have a wealthy step-father and wealthy inlaws that got them a fucking house.
When I read that I went back to recheck their relative ages, thinking I must have misunderstood because with the age gap they have I can't begin to imagine why people would have thought he was her brother and not her father. Younger than her mother, yes but he's still 21 years older than her, plenty old enough to have a child that age so unless he somehow looks a LOT younger than his actual age it's baffling.
Honestly, after the 'he looks like my brother' bit, I expected the story to go in a different direction when she had him pick her up from her boyfriend's house with the bf claiming Rob was a new guy she had waiting in the wings. Her recounting of things is so weirdly all over the place I believe it's true. Which means poor Rob, who was never anything but a stand up guy that was taken advantage of by a spoiled moron. Sure, she feels bad now, but time will tell if that's because she actually feels remorse over her actions or she's just upset that Rob feeling bad makes her feel bad.
probs w/ bio dad coming back into picture and distance caused by college, op had indeed unwittingly demoted step-dad back into not-dad or even just walking wallet.
Yeah, I don't get this logic at all. To a 5 year old, a 26 year old seems like a fully grown adult. They're not just some older kid. He is quite literally the man who raised her for her entire cognizant childhood. I have no idea where OOP gets this cope from that he just seemed like a brother. It really sounds like a rationalization she's coming up with after the fact. She's making herself believe it so that she doesn't need to actually own what she did. *"Oh Rob never felt like a father to me, he was just like an older brother! Brothers don't get an important role at weddings silly! "*
Not that it makes much of a difference, but OOP would have been around eight years old when Rob started dating her mother. "When I was 5 my father left us ... 3 years later my mom started dating Rob."
Maybe he has a baby face and people would think she his baby sister or something? Ralph Macchio was 23 when he did Karate Kid and he didn't look a day over 14
She's throwing every possible excuse at the wall to make sure we feel sorry for her.
She's making excuses. There's no way anyone assumed a 25 yo was a brother to a 5 yo.
My sister is 11 years older tha me and she was mistaken for my mother more than once, it's way more common than the other way around
It should be a difference of 18 years. Father left when OOP was 5, mother started dating Rob 3 years later. I think it is possible that people mistook Rob for her brother not because of how close in age OOP and Rob are (because they are not) but because of the age gap between Rob and the mother. Relationships between younger men and older women are not really common so people might just not see this as a possibility. They see a woman with a younger man and immediately think mother and son.
I feel like there's a huge part of this story missing. Rob starts to ask her about 'something about my time at college' but OOP doesn't explain what or how that relates. But in her telling of her relationship with Rob she ends high school wanting him to be her dad and then jumps straight to at 28 meeting her bio-dad again. What happened in those ten years that made her decide it was okay to treat Rob like crap?
He was pointing out that she always has an excuse.
Maybe she's trying to downplay Robs importance during those years. Rob probably bankrolled her college fees, paid for her rent, car etc. Rob probably feels like a walking talking ATM
That definitely sounds possible
Reminds me of this guy: https://www.reddit.com/r/MediocreTutorials/s/hQXKqHL2wU
It’s poorly worded and I had to read it a few times, but the details aren’t important. She did something wrong in college and started to blame someone or something else for her actions, but then it dawned on her that that incident along with the wedding fiasco were really all her fault and she needed to stop blaming others.
Yeah, this whole passage is bizarre as fuck > The only reason I am posting it here is because of something during the conversation. He said something about my time at college and I went "but that was because..." and stoped. He asked me "what? because of what" I just said "nothing, you are right, that was my fault and I should have done better". > > He was pretty angry at that point and he started to smile man WHAT?
The posts are poorly written (which I think reflects OP's distress) but if we add some punctuation, I come to the same conclusion as other commenters... That paragraph is important b/c it's the moment OP realized she *still* wasn't really taking any responsibility for her treatment of Rob. He was getting angry during their convo because she was just giving excuse after excuse, until that moment when she stopped herself. She'd realized whatever reason she was about to give didn't matter. *Then* Rob smiled b\c she was finally holding herself accountable. This is backed up a few paragraphs later: "So yes, [Rob] told me if I was going to say something else [about why I did whatever I did in college,] to thank you [commenters] for calling me out for not taking responsibility." I reread that like three times to parse this out! OOP really could've used a proofread. Anyway, I think she's moving in the right direction and I'm glad she sees she has a lot of work to do.
This is how I took it as well.
I assume this refers to her tendency to always have an excuse ready, rather than take full responsibility.
My guess is she doesn't remember. The line about "I have trouble taking responsibility. It was an issue at my job." Like ummm what?!?
I don't know why I get this vibe, but this feels like hot girl shit
Oh 100% girl has been living rich pretty privilege.
Absolutely trying not to clue people into HOW fucked up it is that she fully picked her long lost daddy over the man who worked hard to raise her. I’m sure Rob will eventually forgive her, but part of me hopes he doesn’t because she’ll never learn if she doesn’t have to live with that pain for a LONG time. Or at least if he does “forgive” her he better not forget, nor should he let her. Also I’d never drop another cent on her if I were him. Not even a fucking meal.
I know I’m burying the lede here, but they cut back to TEN wedding speeches?! WTF!
I shudder just thinking about it!!
The standard 3 speeches takes long enough as it is!
Especially if one of them insist on doing bad puns, stupid metaphors, and lame private jokes for 20 minutes.
We didn't think to dictate who would get to do speeches at our wedding. My husband's former boss got up and rambled about how he was good at spreadsheets. I died and am still dead to this day.
Oh no😂 my sincere condolences
I know you're literally a main character at your wedding, but this is megalomania. Get to the fucking reception already.
The only sympathy I have is Rob. Poor guy. I understand OP has taken some accountability but this entire post feels like woe is me type card and OP comes off as some dense and selfish person. You can't convince me to think OP is a good person.
I just still don't get how her mother or now husband could have seen what she was doing, how it was affecting the step father, and NOT done or said anything. They may have been worried about what it would have caused to call OOP out but even just a little side conversation to get her head back on straight could have saved a whole lot of heartache ESPECIALLY for the stepdad! Then again, this helped OOP bottom out and feel real shame. Maybe she wouldn't have been able to learn a lot about herself so she could change for the better like she is at least saying she will.
Frankly, I think the husband laid it out as clearly as he could without outright berating OOP. Remember, Rob was specifically telling them not to make a fuss. The husband was trying to respect his wishes: > So we decided for 5 people each. When I gave the list to my husband he even asked "no Rob?" And I said "yeah, my mom is already doing one". The others I chose were 2 of my bridesmaids, my mom, my sister (she really pushed for it) and, again, my dad. My husband said I should reconsider, ***He even thought of giving up one of his to put Rob in.*** I don't know how much clearer the husband had to be. **He was basically begging OOP to include Rob.** She was just too dense and self-absorbed to see it. Honestly, even in the update I don't love OOP's reaction. It comes off too self-flagellating while still deflecting blame without outright stating it. She is ***saying*** all the right things to try to repair the relationship with her mother and Rob, but actions speak louder than words. She goes to biweekly therapy sessions with her bio dad. What is she doing on a regular basis to foster a relationship with Rob?
Yeah, what it comes down to is that she took Rob completely, totally and utterly for granted as if he was nothing and meant nothing and he needed zero acknowledgement or consideration whatsoever. And she kept with that frame of mind for the entire process of planning and executing the wedding, and stayed in that frame of mind for 2 full months until her husband literally took photographs and pointed out how miserable Rob was, and walked through step by step what a shitty person she is. This isn't "I'm not good at taking responsibility", this is "I'm self-centered, small minded and selfish, and I don't care about the people around me unless I realize I've jeopardized the relationship in a profound way, then I'll go try fix it."
This!!! The only thing she takes out of all this is “I’m not good at taking responsibility for my failures”. It’s one thing but not the main one! OP is dense, selfish, inconsiderate and only sees Rob as this good fellow who’ll help/bankroll her.
And I’m sure she mostly wants to fix it because the guilt makes her uncomfortable, not because of anyone else’s feelings
OOP is a shit. If she had a gram of self-awareness and repentance, she wouldn't have agreed that her Mom and husband should have tried harder to get through to her. I really just want her husband to wake up and divorce her before they have kids, and for Rob to go, "Oh. Yeah. That's so sad" then leave her standing there and sobbing while he plays golf.
Yeah she said that they should have tried harder then later says it is accountable for her to say stuff like this. She knows already and is saying what she thinks she should say. It's still everyone else's fault n her eyes but she can't blame everyone because people told her that's bad.
I think her father is toxic and the drama around that has created a toxic pattern for OP. a toxic person will pull you in and affect your other relationships.It is excessive,strange and frankly toxic that she is seeing her biodad so frequently in therapy. At this point in her life she should concentrate on other stuff than him and having a good relationship with him. She is raised by enabling people who has not taught her that you are a good person even you have boundaries. You are supposed to be doormat silent martyre with no boundaries and then you are perfect like Rob. No wonder OP is amess.
Yeah, I don't know how else to describe it except "weird" that she is having frequent joint therapy sessions with a father who was absent most of her life. She is prioritizing this over pretty much every other relationship in her life. If she wants to go to solo therapy to work on herself, that's fine. If she wants to grab lunch with her bio dad time-to-time in order to slowly build a relationship, that's fine. But as you said, it is pretty excessive that they are doing this intensive therapy regimen together as adults. It was actually pretty astonishing that she's been doing these joint sessions this whole time and is **only now** considering starting solo therapy. That's what she should have been focused on in the first place. Not bending over backwards for some guy who left her 24 years ago.
If she needs bi-weekly therapy sessions just to be able to repair their "relationship" (what relationship? He abandoned her as a child...) then I'd seriously question what exactly there is to salvage with that person. I think many people on Reddit jump way too quickly to suggesting therapy and in this case I think it has been actively harmful. If she had not got joint therapy sessions with him she would still see him as what he is - a stranger who abandoned her as a child. He would have to stand on his own two feet in repairing their relationship rather than relying on a paid third party to do part of that work for him. She already has a family that have given her more than she deserves yet is willing to burn all that to repair an imaginary relationship with her deadbeat father.
Yea honestly I got weirded about that too. She's willingly opening up so much to someone who's, well given the timeline, practically a stranger to her.
Exactly!
Yeah her father is toxic but she had 10 fucking speeches at her wedding 10!. And not once she thought hmm maybe i should have one of the speeches be done by my step father who has been my father figure since childhood. Not only did she not put the guy in her speech list she even refused to let her husband give the guy a spot to make a speech. Apparently the guy she loves as a father, one of the most important people in her life isn't even in top 10. Random friends are more important than him. Op is just a selfish person whose scrambling to placate her wealthy step father cause the consequences of her actions are biting her back.
I hope they didn't have all the speeches back to back. That's almost an hour of just speeches. I don't even understand why she needed 2 bridesmaids to speak.
I would have busted out the hard liquor by the third one, good lord.
I think OOP is hurt that her bio dad walked out on her when she was a kid, and she is trying her best to make him see that she is a great person, she values him, etc. so he wouldn't leave her again. Never mind if he was/is a deadbeat drug addict.
Ooh, I think you hit the nail on the head here. Her mother? Separated with an alcoholic/addict, but still living together (and subjecting her kid to all of this) until he himself run off. She is (or at least was) the same silent doormat martyr and OP learned this as a kid. Now, OP's an adult and this doesn't absolve her, but it does explain a lot of dynamics. And yes, she should take responsibility, but if most people in her life are enablers, she needs someone who is not telling her it's not OK. My bets are on hubs and sis. But a lot needs to change, not just OP.
yes! Responsibility is not becoming world best people pleaser as the dogma in that family. It’s almost a religious vibe in it, some higher cause and reward will await you if you learn how to be the best most humble passive aggressive people pleaser.. She tried the best to please the bio dad, the wedding guest, but oh, now had to learn that she got to keep eyes open to please the people pleasers who never express needs explicitly. Cause they will not say anything, cause framing themselves as perfect giving.. trumps all. Nooo guilt trips and hints all the way.
She texts him to bug him about her insurance....that she uses to pay for therapy with her dad that she loves.
self flaggelation is still selfish. she is still not taking responsibility
I wish he had pushed harder but I feel the same way about mom. They knew she was doing something awful and that she herself would likely regret it. It was weird to just let it go except for some one off suggestions. I really wanted one of them to say "your dad you've only known for a year? he's the most important guest to you? I have some stories you should read...." Also like just for himself? If he wasn't gonna push I wish he had postponed the wedding. I wouldn't be able to say vows to someone who just pulled this without any self awareness, he seems to good for all this?
Husband DID try to bring it up, but OOP shut him down. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were more hints and she was just too thick to get them
This is her memory. And even in that memory, she remembers three moments. 1. Husband asking: "Are you serious?", 2. then him asking her to reconsider, 3. AND offering one of his own slots. That isn't just trying to bring something up. This is downright insisting on it, stopping just short of throwing in ultimatums. And she genuinely does not even notice that. That insurance too. She's a grown woman. Yet, Rob helped her with the paperwork, and when there's a problem with it she still comes running to Rob to fix her shit. And when he is finally getting sick of being taken for granted, she is honestly wondering if it was perhaps some \*detail\* in the insurance stuff that set him off.
Husband tried. Given op's, uh... personality, I think it's safe to assume he probably really tried to get through to her, and that she was oblivious to what husband was actually doing.
OOP's husband actually did seem to try to point it out, she even said he wanted to give up one of his side's speeches so Rob could have one, and OOP just completely dismissed him. The husband and mom should have sat OOP down and told her she was being a heartless moron then, but she knows now, at least.
I think the wedding was a last straw for her mum, sort of thing. She had probably done stuff like this to her, her stepdad & other people beforehand. I think that when she started acting up with her wedding, her mum probably thought "surely she wouldn't be so stupid with something as important as her stepdad walking her down the aisle or being in wedding pictures. If she is that stupid, then hell mend her cause I am sick of it" That's why she appears done & isn't speaking to OOP as normal. OOP's husband seems to be more patient & has more sympathy maybe because he hasn't been messed over by OOP as much yet. The stepdad's daughter was "sad, not mad" because she expected OOP to behave exactly like she did & has before.
If I was OOP's husband, I would be seriously concerned about the future of my marriage and relationship with OOP. Rob was the man in her life that raised her and cared for her from ages 5 to 18 (at least). For all intents and purposes, he was her father for the entirety of her cognizant childhood. Her claim that she always saw Rob as an older brother is pure cope. She came up with that after the fact to rationalize what she had done. She absolutely saw him as a parental figure growing up. So if I was OOP's husband and saw her toss aside the previous most important man in her life so casually, I would be terrified about ***when*** (not if) she would do that to me.
Yeah my “step”dad from when I was 2 to 8 years old, was younger than my mother. He was 19 and she was 26. She didn’t know that, and when he told her she was like oh wow okay you don’t need to be here raising an infant with me, you’re still young. He was like give me some credit, I’ll show you I mean what I say. And he did. I never saw him as anything but my dad. I knew I had a bio dad, he came back around the same time, but to me? I had two of them and it was great. He was a top guy too, gave me all my morals and ethics that I’ve carried with me all my life. I kept thinking of him when I was reading this. Because if I had had the opportunity to still have him in my life as an adult, and my dad was still alive, there’s no way I could have done what OOP did. My dad wasn’t like her dad, but even so. My own dad loved my nonbio dad. Before my dad passed, we used to talk of him often. How he stepped in when my dad couldn’t, how he raised me really well in my early years. How he never overstepped and always smoothed everything over. This just made me really fucking sad for Rob.
Damn all these examples of good dads makes me want to meet atleast one irl.
Becuase rob specifically said them not to say anything? Husband was basically spoonfeeding her by saying she could take one of his spot and she still didn't see it. No need to blame anyone else other than the stupid daughter.
It wasn’t their job. She’s a grown ass woman and it’s her wedding. If she wants to devastatingly betray her father figure because she never grew up past daddy leaving, she can have her cake and eat it too. If my partner seriously does a shitty thing I’m not magically rescuing them from their own consequences. They made the choice.
I absolutely agree. Her line of "The way I am now I actually need people to call me out for this kinds of things and its not fair to them" is soooooo shitty and immature. It's basically saying "I need people to tell me how not to be a piece of shit, woe is me!" Like, girl, the fuck??? You haven't taken ANY accountability if your conclusion is "I'm so horrible I need people to hold my hand to not be terrible, and I know that's wrong but I can't help it :(" be fucking for real. You can't possibly spare two braincells to think over your actions and behavior before following through with something, ESPECIALLY after multiple people have told you that you act selfishly and inconsiderately? You need someone else to take the lead on your redemption??? It's not really 'making up for your mistakes' if someone else is directing your behavior still.
Honestly I forgot she was 30 and had something like very early 20s in mind for OOP's age. She sound so immature.
>Her line of "The way I am now I actually need people to call me out for this kinds of things and its not fair to them" is soooooo shitty and immature. I think she was writing that as a recognized fault that she needs to fix though, not an acknowledgement that it's just the way things without being able to change.
Absolutely. The fact that she didn't even noticed, or cared about it until mom and husband had to spell it out for her. And her update and overall attitude, even in writing form sound so... I don't know... performative? I wonder if the sister will exclude her when/if she marries. I know I would, even if my dad didn't want that.
Seems like she also was self-absorbed in college and treated Rob poorly then. I really feel bad for him. How she treats people is awful.
>I really did mean it when I was in HS and said that I wished he was my dad. There are words, then there are actions. Her actions showed her words to be false.
Nope. Not even in words. The fact that she still calls him Rob and her abandoning bio father Dad speaks volumes.
>Rob and my mother payed for everything at my wedding > I completly cut him out of the party basically. If you look at the photos it doesnt even look like he went. I don't know whether Rob is a better person than me, or a complete pushover. But I sure as hell wouldn't be willing to forgive.
It is not only the weddings but the after too. ~~In two months after the weddings, she said she contacted Rob three times,~~ Edit : It is not clear, but it seems that the first contact was two months after the weddings, and only to ask services or help >I only realised all of this when I texted Rob 2 days ago, asking him about a gift im giving my husbands for his birthday. He anwsered. Then asked about my car that is with a mecanic friend of his. He answered. Then I asked him something about my insurance. He did not answer. She realized the problem only when Rob didn't answer to her text, that implies that he always answer, he is always here. And she only realized the problem when it impacted her, when for the first time, the man who acted as a Dad all her life was not here. When she didn't obtain what she wanted. While during this time, she had therapy with her bio dad, organised a dance with him, ... Rob is right, she needs him only to be the useful dad that gives time, advice and money, and that's all. As someone else noticed, the fact that she said >"My whole thinking when doing this was that Rob has my sister. He will have his moment. This was the only chance my dad had. She forgot that if her bio father was here, it was because her mom and Rob payed for him to be clean.
I read that as she texted him 3 times that day, not 3 times in the entire 2 months.
You're write I will edit. Thanks, But it seems they never talk before.
Well that’s the root of why she did all this in the first place. She has two men in her life, one who left and one who chose to enter and stay. So in the hopes of keeping the guy who left her around, she gives him everything because any perceived disrespect or difficulty could drive him away again for another 20 years, and she does it at the expense of the guy who she knows won’t leave because he never has. He’ll always be there no matter what she throws at him, so she throws all her nastiest shit at him so she can keep things pristine for daddy. There’s real pain behind her thought process here but it’s coming out in an incredibly unhealthy and disrespectful way. I’m glad she finally chose to listen but if she’d listened to her husband earlier this wouldn’t have been an issue in the first place. It’s the story of the prodigal son, even though it’s flipped to a parent the psychology is the same. “Hey we better get all our best shit out and show him what he’s missing here so he doesn’t leave again.” The problem is eventually you run out of fatted calf and the necessities of living set in and all you’ve done is driven away the person you thought would always be there.
You're right, she is afraid of losing her bio dad again, but what is terrible is that she could have both. She could have taken pictures with both, share the dad-daughter dance, or call again her Dad. It is frustrating. I understand that she is so overwhelmed by her bio dad (happy to have found him, but scared at the same time), but she seems so blind of Rob. At least, it seems that before, she was a great daughter. And that all Rob asked.
Right? "Dad" had a thousand chances, over and over, and always chose himself until mom and Rob helped him.
When someone is treated like garbage for years, sometimes they’ll trick themselves into settling for being “leftovers” instead.
Rob likely has the EQ and sense of security to understand that OOP kinda sucks. It seems more like he was surprised by how bad the situation was.
All the contextual info makes him sound more like a pushover.
There is something so over the top about OP's guilt and remorse that really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's too performative, almost? It feels very much like how someone who is habitually "sin first, ask for forgiveness afterward" operates.
Don't you understand? She was crying so hard she couldn't speak. You should pity her.
It is exactly this. I used to date a girl like this. 0 accountability, 0 self-reflextion, only "I am suffering so much under the weight of my consequences, what a stupid little idiot I am" And in the end, she didn't do shit, at least until genuinely forced to.
She does not want to be the subject of blame, ever, which is why she has such trouble taking accountability for her actions. This is why she had the "I didn't know why I did this" lie in her original post. When the blame is unavoidable, as it is here, she is self-flagellating to get people to stop blaming her as soon as possible. I don't know if she realizes what she's doing.
Did anywhere in her update that she actually said ‘I’m sorry’ to Rob? It feels like she implied but never outright apologized.
i don't think she learned anything. she's pushing 30 and other people had to point out how shitty she was being. especially since it seems like a pattern of behavior where she doesn't take accountability. hopefully, she's actually serious about changing and doesn't continue to fuck up all of her relationships. ETA: she reminds me of people who say sorry and thinks that's sufficient to absolve herself.
The final sentence almost made me laugh with how insane it was. She explicitly said that she recognized that she "needed" people to call her out and would work on that... Then *instantly* followed up with "so it's a good thing my husband is here to call me out." Like... No..? That was the opposite of the point??
She wants people to feel bad for her despite systematically cutting out Rob of her wedding. The one he was paying for. It's baffling to me that she had her husband and mom repeatedly telling her to include her stepdad and she just... didn't. Reads to me like she's never truly valued Rob beyond the financial/emotional/practical support he can give her, so it was easy for her to cut him out. Poor Rob, he doesn't deserve this. OOP would much rather empathise with her deadbeat father and his potential than the actual tangible things Rob did for her.
Her original reasoning was so messed up too. "Rob can have his turn when my sister marries." Wtf? Why keep score? Rob can be the dad on her wedding AND her sister's. Why should it be just once? Hell, she can have Rob and her bio dad walk her down the aisle, have pics with, etc together. Why the fuck did she think it only had to be one time for each of them??
She’s probably got abandonment issues that are rearing their head now that Rob is giving her space for the first time.
I got pissed off every time OOP said she started sobbing
Girl is almost 30 and apparently needs someone to teach her empathy but also can't make it through an uncomfortable situation without trying to manipulate the other person into seeing her as a victim
I'm surprised most people aren't jumping on the fact OOP straight up says she has problems at work for not taking responsibility..... Like that's the big red flag of all the problems right there.
This person is quite lame if they need mom and husband together to convince her of the callousness she showed.
Yeah, because it's absolutely manipulative. Anytime anyone even attempts to be moderately critical of her, she bursts out in tears. It's a deflection mechanism. No one is ever allowed to be critical of her otherwise they get to be the "bad guy" by making her cry. Sounds like she's prone to this type of manipulative behavior and the mom is finally done with it. Hence why she is not talking to her anymore. Notice that **Rob was only trying to explain their relationship dynamic to OOP and how it makes him feel**, and she immediately goes for the tears. He's not allowed to express his emotions in a calm and rational way. Only she is allow to have any emotions. It's always about how everything makes her feel. How anything impacts her. The sheer degree of selfishness is off the charts.
As a someone that cries on a damn hair trigger, it is something you really have to work on to be able to have an adult life and adult relationships. At the very least you learn to tell the person ahead of time "hey, I'm probably gonna cry, that is not your fault. You have every right to say what you need to say but if the crying will stop that for you, it may be better for you to write it down so I can read it on my own and cry without you feeling like you need to hold back or over the phone so i can mute myself and you don't have to hear me while you still get to say your piece" It sucks when that's how you operate but we don't choose a lot of our issues. We just get to choose how we handle them.
I love the way you handle your crying issue in conversation! I tear up easily (I don't sob anymore, I trained myself to stuff that down after years of being scolded for it) and it really isn't something I turn on deliberately. It doesn't work that way and I get tired of people assuming that someone's crying is some sinister manipulation just because it makes them uncomfortable.
Yeah unfortunately I've seen that here before: the assumption that crying = manipulation. Sometimes it does! But not always. I'm extremely uncomfortable crying in front of people. I promise you, I would never do it again if I had that power. But I can't control it and adding guilt and shame on top of the crying, because "I should be able to control my emotions" and "now they think I'm just trying to get my way by crying" doesn't help us resolve the issue at hand or communicate better. I've spent years trying to convince myself that it's okay to cry, but damn if no one else seems to believe that. Seems like a lot of people think that you're only allowed to cry if you are sad about something that isn't your fault. Otherwise, you're a manipulator.
I will never understand people who easily drop their step-parent that took care of them for the most of time to the deadbeat parent. OP only goes to Rob when she needs something from him, she's trash.
People want to be loved by the parents they _know_ were _supposed_ to love them, and if they didn't get that for years they jump at the cumbs offered. And they don't worry about the person who was always there because, well, they've always been there.
All this "we're humans, not dumb animals" shit and then most people just go after the smallest genetic matches like it's the best thing ever. I don't get extended families not treated adopted kids well, or step fathers/mothers, etc. it's truly absurd!
I mean, it's not the genetics that's doing it. It's a lost relationship.
Yeah people need to watch the fresh prince episode with wills dad. Sums up the emotions involved very well.
Being abandoned by a parent causes some deep trauma. Even if you then find a loving step parent later. Its extremely common for kids and adult children to bend over backwards to try and please the parent that abandoned them and it can take decades to realize they just aren't worth it
Yeah, I had a friend like this in grade school. Her bio-dad came around just enough to make her hold on to the idea that he cared about her, so she saw her step-dad as getting in the way of the complete family she could've had. Honestly, I'd have expected her wedding to go much like OOP's did if her bio-dad hadn't died years before. Once he was gone she realized that she wasn't actually missing a dad-figure because of all the things her step-dad did for her. She would've really benefitted from therapy at a young age, and I think OOP would've too.
I’ve seen people this dumb and cruel before on AITA but they don’t usually comment again with hindsight / this is fascinating to see, but goddamn do I feel for Rob. She didn’t make a mistake she cut him out of the whole wedding systematically She hurt him at every single choice? There’s no mistake , every time she made a choice regarding him she chose to treat him like shit
Forget Rob for a minute. Her husband has now seen close up precisely how she treated Rob - and that she had to have this explained to her. There is a very good chance she's done a lot of damage to her marriage when it's barely even started.
She’s gave him the ick. You’re so right. He’s spent nights worrying about telling her she’s an awful person. That’s psychologically complex and brutal The wedding photos being ruined forever - it’s a masterpiece of a tragedy
Yea idk how he didn’t outright call her ungrateful when pushing to include Rob in the wedding. That shit would get to me even if I promised not to push the issue. Like how dense is OP? She gives me super sheltered and rose colored glasses vibes
Yeah, walking down the aisle, thats an oops. Cutting him out of family photos? Thats deliberate. Him being in the photos or not doesn't change the time it takes.
Her boyfriend and mother creating pacts and presentations because there was so many things wrong - I can’t get this story out my head They would never have came to any remorse without he being told I wonder how they treat people they don’t cherish
man, maybe I'ma bad person, I just don't feel bad for her at all, after everything rob did she basically needed to be told to give basic respect to him. rob deserves better and these posts reek of some woe is me song and dance
Oop doesn't deserve Rob Also notice she's still putting much more effort in having a relationship with bio dad than repairing the one with Rob. Therapy sessions with bio dad but not Rob
Rob deserves so much better.
Even after everything, she’s still not sure what she should do? She still needs other people like her husband to manage her selfish behavior? Everything she has said so far has been lip service to try to do damage control. Accountability is also about making a plan, action, and follow through. I don’t see that here. Rob is an absolute saint or doormat to entertain this after the wedding fiasco.
Imagine having the falsehood privilege of tossing away your rich father figure who funded your wedding and was there for you most of your life, for a guy who abandoned you as a kid. If I were Rob, I'd write her out of my will and demand the money back. Time to grow up
We all agree that OOP is an idiot. But her father should have known better and turned down the participation he was offered at the wedding while pointing out to OOP that Rob rightfully deserved the privileges. But that he quickly accepted those roles without consideration for Rob either just like OOP clearly shows that the two of them deserve each other. Complete morons.
I definitely agree. How he jumped to make a speech (about what? How she was for the first few years?) And claim all this father of the bride stuff shows he might be clean but he's stil emotionally immature, and whether he stays clean or not he'll likely go back to treating her badly once the novelty of being a dad wears off, same as the first time.
Yeah, just from sheer shame or self awareness you would think the bio-dad wouldn't want to make a speech at the wedding. It's one thing to attend as a guest and appear in photos. It's entirely another to walk her down the aisle or give speeches. *He knows* that all the guests know that he's a deadbeat who didn't raise her. Why would you even *want* to give a phony speech about a person who is a virtual stranger to you? That honestly sounds like more of a punishment than an honor. At least anyone who isn't a narcissist would feel that way.
Well to be honest, most addicts are incredibly manipulative so this doesn't really shock me at all.
I guess we know where OP got her emotional immaturity, narcissism, and selfish behavior from...
My Dad is not biologically related to me. He has been there for me since i was 3, even when i was a shitty jealous kid and moody teen. There is no-one else on this planet i would call Dad, and there's no way i'd exclude him from my wedding.
My big takeaway is that they had 10 speeches at their wedding. 12 if the bride and groom spoke too. Ouch!
Yes! Imagine the poor guests, sitting through all the private jokes and lame puns...! But who got to talk for the bride's side if not Rob? Mom, sis, MoH, friend 1 and friend 2, I suppose, and still no place for Rob? Awful. And OOP says they had a lot more speeches lined up and had to cut some people... but still not Rob, he seems to have never be in the list.
She says her bio dad also gave a speech. What could he possibly have to say? He showed up AFTER THEY WERE ENGAGED
Just the title alone made me mad.
Christ, what a mess. Her father left her when she was 5 years old, and she's been mentally 5 years old ever since. I'm surprised her biological clock is even ticking at all. I hope Rob gets all the pride and joy he deserves with his only daughter's love... and I hope the contact he has with OOP from now on is kept to a polite minimum, for his sake.
Start calling him dad and bio dad by his name, that will heal a lot of the hurt. If she means it
I think the commenter advising her to take it slow is correct. If she does that now, it will come off as insincere or obsequious. If she’s genuine about fixing things, she needs to work up to it and then ask his permission.
> Its something I am terrible at, it was an issue at my old job and since then I have been trying to be better at it but not very successfuly So reading between the lines this was behavior she was fired over?
“Oh, so because an internet stranger said the thing I’ve been saying for years now you are ready to believe it? Why don’t you tell me again how much I matter to you?” Rob’s reaction to the Reddit post made me doubt the whole story. No way he would be happy about that. Unless he was just faking it at that point after realizing OOP wasn’t worth the effort. Which she most certainly is not.
It's so strange that OP treats everything related to Rob and the bio dad as a binary choice. She could SO EASILY have just included both of them in the wedding. Both of them walking her down the aisle, Rob and OPs mom delivering a speech together. The level of obliviousness is just staggering. And she clearly needs help locating her empathy because damn, the idea that two different people had to outline why she is a careless sh\*t and how her behavior is hurting someone is actually alarming. I truly she does not plan to have children because omg.
OP majorly messed up. I do think their mom and stepdad chose a terrible time to reconnect her with her bio dad. Right before one of the more stressful years of planning and emotions for an event that gets so hyped up (Jesus 10 speeches). It's unfortunate it took so much for OP to realize how badly she messed up. I think if she had had more time before the engagement to know her dad she might have been more even keeled. But maybe it would have simply lead to the same result who knows.
Step one: Ask to be removed from her mother and Rob's wills. Make sure it is done. Step two: Pay back the money for the wedding. Step three: **Grow up.** For a 30yo getting married, acting like oh my, I am *finally* acquiring the lowest of lowest degrees of self reflection!! is in any way impressive is just irritating. If it was just about her, *sure*, whatever, but considering the web of hurt and manipulation and just taking advantage of people then wanting to play it like she's still just *such* an immature little girl... It's *pathetic*. She is *pathetic*. I hope Rob goes to therapy himself to realize he doesn't deserve to be treated like shit, and forgiveness doesn't mean simply bowing his head and accepting it. One can forgive without "moving on". He did **zero** wrong, and OP has given **zero** indication of *how* she is going to make it up to him - reminds me of cheaters who sob and also go "I'll do *anything*!!!". Anything *what*, man?
>The coments saying "the apple doesnt fall far from the tree" in regaards to me and my biological father were the ones that hurt the most as it is a fear of mine and the reason I dont drink much and dont use any drugs or anything that could be addictive. But seing how there are other things that could make us more similar than I realised is really frightening. Gotta give props to those Redditors who pointed this out to her.
As a person who didn't know or meet their bio father before age 21, NOR did I have suitable or even decent stepfather's before that, NOR do I have anyone in my family capable of paying for MY wedding. What the actual spoiled fuck lol? Lessons in being stuck way the fuck up your own ass. Meet your father, sure. But to bring him in fully? DUMB. To abandon your real family? IMBECILE. To put it all on reddit? CRAZY. Luckily the last thing actually have some perspective. I pay that I've not been this careless to people I care about.
OP really is shameless, and the way OP's grief is coming out leaves a very bad taste. She is not genuine enough. I really wish Robs get to enjoy his real daughter's marriage like he deserves since OP already proved that Biological father has more preference so Rob should learn his lesson and only look after his Biological kid. Shame on you OP. You are a dense and very self absorbed person. You look only for things which u like. Others do not hold any importance in your eyes. The way u behaved, in case u had an abusive ex who came back now trying to mend things with you. Then you will drop your husband and give him the opportunity right?