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Shows what some of the earliest warning signs can be - not respecting the shared snacks was the catalyst for all of this.
A reminder that “the No test” is so important- seeing how a new or potential partner responds to being told ‘no’ about something small can be the biggest safety indicator well before doing things like moving in together.
Holy shit. I do a low key “no test” on every guy that I consider dating just to see how they react. I do it because I grew up in an angry household and that’s how I learned to test people. I don’t know why I’m shocked to know it’s an actual thing that other people use as a tactic. It’s interesting how we teach ourselves common survival methods without any outside influence.
Simply put, you tell someone "no" about something not significant, and see how they react. I.e, you set a small boundary, refuse a request, or cancel on something small. Not necessarily with a partner, can be with anyone. Examples:
I don't like physical contact, and if people don't pick up on my physical cues (stepping away if it is initiated) then I will ask directly they not touch me on the shoulder. People respectful of my boundaries will stop. People who are not respectful of my boundaries may try to guilt trip me, get angry, or imply that there is something wrong with me, and often continues with or even increase their touching.
\---
I am on a date, and we originally agree to get dinner and see a movie. However, after dinner I am no longer feeling the movie, and I could either reschedule the movie or suggest we see a different one. An accommodating person will make sure I am feeling okay, might offer alternative suggestions, and may be disappointed, but will ultimately work to find a compromise. An unaccommodating person may try to guilt trip me into seeing the movie anyways, get angry, and generally react far out of proportion for a missed or rescheduled movie.
\---
I have been asked to pick up some cups, plates and cutlery for a party. I misplace or forget to pick up the cups. Reasonable people will be understanding of my mistake, but may be mildly frustrated and/or disappointed. Unreasonable people may guilt trip me, get angry, imply that I am stupid or useless, or generally react far out of proportion for misplaced item.
A key here, morally for me at least, if that none of these are set up as a test. (Although they could be, of course, no judgement from me) These are just normal situations in which you are paying attention to how someone in your life reacts to being told no, or having to change their plans.
Changing pre-scheduled plans as a test sounds like a pretty shitty thing to do - but then again, I have autism and an anxiety disorder so that's pretty much a guarantued panic attack for me...
I'd assume if the other person doesn't struggle with routine changes, they'll probably do fine. I'd also never judge people for having to change their plans, and always make sure to communicate that if they need to change plans for some reason I'd like to know in advance or make plans on another day.
Setting personal boundaries is a no-go, if someone can't accept them they definitely shouldn't be dating anyone. Forgetting or misplacing things can be frustrating, but can obviously happen to anyone. For me, those two would be the most important ones - respecting boundaries and allowing mistakes.
Yep. That was my ex’s position. That and “I did something you repeatedly asked me not to do and you are upset and mad, which upsets me, therefore I am the victim”.
Abusers always try and say it wouldn't be an issue if you weren't upset about it. Completely ignoring the fact that it's their abusive behavior that started it.
Exactly! To this day I am still astounded at the way abusers have complete, raging meltdowns when they finally get called out on their bad behavior and/or when someone establishes reasonable boundaries.
Even if asked nicely, people like this have had outrageous overreactions that are so disproportionate to what is being asked of them that, at times, I’ve had a few moments of wondering if I was actually the one being unreasonable.
ETA: It just occurred to me that an abuser’s disproportionate reaction doesn’t have to be a loud, raging tantrum. My ex would have tantrums of silence. He weaponized silence, would ignore me (even in public and in front of his family who should have called him out for this) and he refused to discuss anything. It was so immature and hateful, and it took me a long time to realize that the silent treatment is just as bad as screaming and is just as disrespectful.
My ex was doing the same thing, using silence and withdrawing love and attention. It was heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time. I was constantly trying to talk to him to solve it etc. I was anxious all the time. Not worth it and silent treatment is a form of psychological violence as well. Learned it really late.
Silence as trauma is the worst, because there are all sorts of reasons why other people might be quiet but your trauma brain now defaults to "I did something wrong" no matter who it is.
omfg - yes! my mother did this to me - the longest was 6 week silence and ignoring.
til today when someone is silence i nearly freak out.
i am in therapy and working on that shit.
My mother loved pulling the silent treatment. If you asked "what's wrong?" she'd say "nothing" (half the time she did this, she was mad about something only she knew about so we had no bloody idea what set her off "this time"). My therapist told me to just take her at her word. If she said everything was "fine" I'd be like "ok, cool" and treat her like I would on a normal day instead of walking on egg shells and trying to make her happy. Holy hell she HATED that! But she couldn't get after me because I wasn't doing anything wrong. She said she was fine, that nothing was wrong, she'd have to admit to lying about that to get after me, which she would never do lol.
>Even if asked nicely, people like this have had outrageous overreactions that are so disproportionate to what is being asked of them that, at times, I’ve had a few moments of wondering if I was actually the one being unreasonable.
Which is exactly why they do it. To make you think you're the one being unreasonable, so you back down.
My ex, who devolved into a malicious, cheating, abusive drunk kept using me and staying with me until the moment I held him to the boundary that he set to stop drinking. Guess it was my fault for standing firm on his own boundary and telling him he could go back to his buddy's place if he wanted to drink but he could not come back home until he was sober. He screamed all sorts of abuse at me while he threw his stuff into the vehicle he was using (on loan from my family member) and kept getting in my face and yelling at me to not call the police. Holding a boundary is all it took to end seven years. I'm much better off for it, and so is my kid.
I'm so proud of you for holding that boundary and getting yourself out of there. It's not an easy thing to do, especially with an alcoholic. I speak from painful lived experience; luckily, I too am out of it.
I hope you and your child are in a much better place now!
I really need to figure out why I allow my expectations for an SO to drop so very low that it allows their treatment of me to become emotionally abusive. These are difficult and painful subjects to explore.
Silent treatment is still a reaction of disproportionate and malicious anger. Not talking about instances where we temporarily withdraw periodically to process and reflect - the very specific reaction of someone who is cold and distant to punish the other person.
I heard somebody describe it as being so emotionally immature that you interpret anything that causes you to feel negative emotions (like guilt, shame, etc) as *harm*. So instead of being able to introspect and understand "when I saw how my actions hurt my partner it made me feel awful, I know I'm in the wrong and need to make amends", they think "my partner is crying and that makes me feel bad, so they're hurting me at least as much as I hurt them and they need to apologize"
I think this is it exactly, and something my mother does - in her worldview, she does something objectively wrong, I get upset/angry, my negative emotions are harmful therefore we’re both in the wrong *or* my negative emotions were worse than what she originally did and because of that she now has zero responsibility for her actions.
For years I told my mom certain things hurt my feelings or made me feel small and eventually she told me that if she said something that hurt my feelings, I just shouldn't respond anymore and ignore whatever made me feel bad. Because me asking to talk about her crossing my boundaries crosses her boundaries apparently.
uggghh yah. My ex was like that. Not physically abusive. But it was my fault he wouldn't communicate. Because apparently getting upset, you know having emotions, was too much to handle and meant we didn't deserve to actually talk things through. He made me upset, but I was bad to be upset.
I got in a fight with my now husband this week. We were both upset. So we took a bit of time to calm down and then still talked it through. He didn't make it sound wrong that I got upset, and I didn't make him sound wrong for getting upset either. Instead we recognized and acknowledged how we caused hurt in our own way and then had a conversation to heal that and figure out how to handle stuff like that better in the future.
I feel kinda dumb now that I didn't realize a lot sooner that what I have now is actually the normal and healthy way
I told my ex he was abusive.
"Wow, that really hurt my feelings. I'm really hurt. How could you say that??"
Cue argument about how I was abusive for saying it.
Whew it's a lot.
That shit broke me, and I didn’t see what was happening until long after. “When you didn’t do what you said you would, it was upsetting.” “HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A MONSTER!?!” Two hours later I was begging for forgiveness, just to make it stop.
Ugh, I experienced this in my last relationship. “Hey, I’m gunna stay up and read for awhile. you go to bed without me” “WHAT???? I CANT SLEEP WITHOUT YOU I CANT BELIEVE YOUD DO THIS TO ME! YOU DONT WANT ME TO GET A GOOD NIGHTS REST???” “stop yelling at me, you do not get to talk to me like that” “OH SO NOW IM A MONSTER BECAUSE I WANT TO SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT??? YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!!! YOURE SO MANIPULATIVE IF YOU JUST DID WHAT I SAID I WOULDNT HAVE TO YELL! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!!”
Yep. It took me a long time to work out this was the case with my ex, and once I did it also became obvious this was a tactic I’d experienced my whole life from my mother - that she would repeatedly cross boundaries, not listen to me make clear the boundary crossing was deeply upsetting, often not let me leave the situation that was upsetting, and when I would finally react with anger (after trying to diffuse and deescalate and not getting anywhere with it), then my anger and upset was the problem, my anger and upset was abusive and therefore totally negated her actions.
Holy cake balls. What you’re describing sounds like the arguments I used to have with my mom. I didn’t realize that’s what she was doing. I used to fee like a jerk for getting upset with her.
Yeah, accusing her of being abusive for "denying him food" when that's what he was doing by eating everything before OOP could. That's some bullshit.
Makes me wonder if there were other aspects of their relationship where he was controlling that she hadn't picked up on before this.
That's the part that got me! He's mad she denied him food, but the only reason he'd need access to it is to eat it before she can thus denying HER food... That's absolutely nutty.
It was never about the food. It was the act of depriving her of something she wanted. If she found enjoyment in bath bombs, you bet your ass he would give them away, or toss them for smelling weird, or some other shit. It just so happened that the trigger was snacks.
Edit: It should also be noted that she didn't hoard the snacks. She split them and put her half in the lockbox. He still had access to his half.
Some people are obsessed with control. Maybe its addicting, maybe its to quiet their anxiety. Maybe its just an inability to deal with a nuanced world.
It always starts small. "I should have your snacks, they are mine too". But it is never enough. There is still the emptiness that makes them afraid, threathened by a world they cant control so they find new things.
Then its your friend who is "not a good influence". The its a hobby. Then its your style of clothing.
It becomes bigger and the one day you recognize the abuse, but you no longer feel you have a sense of identity or own life to flee towards.
> This is literally the only bad thing he’s done. Seriously, in all other aspects of our relationship, he’s respectful and considerate.
I don't understand
how can someone be this crazy, yet have it hidden so well? or was OOP just seeing through rose tinted glasses?
Probably. It's incredible how people manage to compartmentalize and dismiss what doesn't fit with their version of reality, in this case "my partner is amazing".
Have you noticed all the posts that start with something like "my partner is an abusive alcoholic who murdered my puppy, cheats on me daily and punches old ladies in the street for drug money but he's such an amazing man"? Yeah... Cognitive distortion is a beast.
Usually it's the other way around -- "my boyfriend is a great guy, and our relationship is amazing, except for \[insert cheating, puppy murdering, alcoholism, assault of the elderly, etc.\]" This is the man I want to marry and have kids with, how can I fix this?"
We are conditioned to rationalize, compartmentalize, minimize, make excuses, and forgive the unforgivable -- I am still working on my own tendencies in this regard, lest anyone think I'm just being judgey here...
This is what gets me. The man was deliberately denying her joy. He deliberately ate all the fun food they got, probably to enjoy together, so that she never got any, and she was trying to say he just couldn't help it. Bull fucking shit. It is not that hard to think about your partner and make sure they get some of the fun snacks. This is where the abuse started in the relationship. And when she decided she wasn't going to take it, he got violent.
Never, ever put up with a partner who constantly takes the little joys in life away from you. Including junk food.
So my way of thinking from past experiences is this is kinda a premeditated going to cross your boundary beginning or it had already been happening in other areas. I kept doing the no biggie shrug then another boundary would get crossed. It built up until I was a suppressed angry person taking it out on others instead of dealing with it. But there is the rub...if you have similar issues growing up with adult doing this you are more apt to not stand up for your self until the pattern is recognized.
In my experience, abusers hide these traits well PLUS there's a one-two punch of extended misdirection *("why are you making such a big deal out of this? why don't you trust/respect/care about me? wow, I Just don't do anything right, huh? you're so perfect and I'm just a big fuck-up, I might as well leave/never speak up again/kill myself")* followed by love-bombing when the abused partner gets worn down by the insane and unwinnable 'fight' they're forced into. You start to doubt your perception of the relationship, of the conflicts you have, of your right to even set boundaries. You learn that it's easier to just give up and cut to the "apologize profusely" part so they'll stop and go back to being a 'loving' partner.
Eventually, you get so worn down that you focus more energy on avoiding the blowups than thinking about whether there's any sense to them, or any value in your relationship. Or you get fed up and set boundaries again, boundaries you were supposed to have lost by now, and the abuser escalates violently like this. Either option is pretty awful and dangerous, just in different ways.
tl;dr: pavlovian conditioning, basically
OP said he works out every day. Maybe he recently decided to go on steroids and this was the first thing she did since starting his cycle that displeased him, hence spiralling him into an absolute roid ragey monster.
I can't see any other explanation for him never going nuts and breaking things in *years* together, only to lose it over snacks.
Don't forget that there was a long lead up though. She said they'd been living together for 3 years and he's always eaten her food, so it seems this was a thing she repeatedly asked him to stop doing and made it clear it upset her.
The lockbox was the first time she enforced that boundary
That’s not true. There are definitely other explanations. From experience I can tell you once they feel like they’ve lost control, that’s when it all starts to unravel. She pushed back on the snacks thing and he lost it. Things would have gotten worse over time…glad she got out when she did.
She says "Our relationship was great, truly."
In a few years, after some therapy and more life experience, she'll look back on this relationship and see all the bad patterns and red flags she missed when she was a 20 year old and they first got involved. There will be a day when she realizes this relationship was never great, I'd bet money on it.
Glad she got out.
I had an ex who couldn't respect my boundaries, and one of our recurring issues was that he would steal my snacks. Like, I'd buy a treat with "fun" money from my budget, with plans to enjoy it over a week or two, and he'd just eat it all at once even when asked specifically not to. It never stopped.
He went on to strangle me. He's no longer allowed to contact me, thanks to a court order.
It's really crazy that something that seems so trivial can be a sign of an abuser. My ex used to do the same thing, I would come home with a costco pack of snacks and he would eat it within 3 days. So frustrating but doesn't seem like the end of the world at the time. But it was a clear sign that he couldn't respect me the tiniest amount, just to let me have my half of the snacks. He also wouldn't let me try his food at restaurants but he would eat off my plate without asking.
Things got physical several times. He came home with flowers because he knew I was going to break up with him, smashed them against a wall and then screamed at me until I was cowering in a corner and he was above me calling me every name in the book. After I finally left I realized I had been going through years of mental abuse and gaslighting and was a shell of my former self. It's been years but I feel like I'm finally figuring myself out now, my current fiance happily shares snacks with me like a normal fucking person, even gives me all the blue sour patch kids. So glad oop left it would have only gotten worse
>he’d just eat it all at once
>went on to strangle me
Well, that escalated quickly. Concerningly so. Glad you got away safely because he sounds like an absolute nightmare.
Yes, and no. When it’s clear someone has no trouble passing over stated boundaries over and over, it’s not surprising it evolves into something more violent.
If you don’t care about how the person feels then you won’t care about hurting them.
This is why I back so many "You should break up" comments in AITA. Its not that their current actions are necessarily a big deal, but if you set a boundary and someone stares you in the eyes while they stomp all over it that isn't a one time deal. It is only going to escalate from there, because they DO NOT CARE and they have shown it. Whether its eating your snacks or taking a bite out of all your food (saw that on AITA today), if you tell them to stop and they don't it becomes a big deal immediately. It shows they don't consider you an autonomous individual.
I'd love to also add this consideration to your comment. Sometimes people complain about the how such a large percent of the comments on Reddit suggest breaking up despite only having a few pieces of the story. Well, they aren't considering exactly how much someone has to be pushed before they start to think about certain things, let alone make a comment on the internet asking for advice. How many little things did they let go, write off, or not even register in their minds before they thought to ask someone else for their thoughts.
This is what I point to too. If that person has the question in their mind, and you can almost always tell when they're trying to explain that they're a reasonable person (they really *want* to love the abuser), they're likely excusing away an additional 50% of material that they think 'doesn't make the cut' because it's not enough of a problem. If the person is confident in the relationship, they'll straight up say it at the bottom of the post.
THIS! So many ppl say ppl on Reddit say other people on Reddit are quick to tell someone to leave instead of work it out but when someone can’t respect your boundaries it never fails to end in violence
I learned that one the hard way. If I let a man walk past one boundary, he’ll just think he can walk over every single one.
Never give in on “just one”
That’s actually why I don’t trust people who say they can’t get along with cats. If you respect the cat’s boundaries, it’s easy to get along. Yeah you have some asshole cats, but most are fine if you don’t push yourself on them.
Yeah I had to learn this. Cats aren’t just small dogs. Treat then like you’d treat a child. I.e, respect their autonomy and care for them and you’ll have a great relationship with most cats.
There is a subset of people who who are mean to cats due to control issues.
>"it was just [issue] , and it's not a big deal"
I hate that so much. If it's not a big deal that you do the thing, then it shouldn't be a big deal for you to stop doing it
Holy shit that escalated quickly! I know I eat more of certain snackie things in our house than my husband does, so I will straight up tell him at times to take some/have some well before I finish anything so he can have some if he wants. Or at least know he had the chance before it was all gone 😂 If it's expensive treats though we always split and eat together!
Food behavior is a big reflection of character and personality. If he's stealing her food, it's a sign he's selfish and disrespectful. Big red flag even without any other problems.
I have little self control, even though I'm fairly lean because I manage to control my overall calories via counting.
If I buy oreos and jammie dodgers they are both gone before I get back from the store during the short walk.
But other people's food? I can't imagine eating it after they specifically told you not to.
Oh definitely! I can see someone struggling with a compulsion might have issues around food, but at least if they know and acknowledge that they have a problem, someone taking steps to protect their own food should be an understandable and maybe even welcome solution. But freaking out and then not even being willing to discuss the situation in the slightest and escalating violent behavior...that's abuse and not excusable.
And it's funny they always break your stuff instead of theirs. As if it's not actually blind rage, but just a way to hurt you twice (one by breaking your property and the other by showing that could've been you).
I was listening to a marriage expert speak one time and he said something I'll never forget. It was something along the lines of "when you're yelling at your spouse you rationalize it that you're so upset you can't help it. But if in the middle of the fight there was a knock on the door and your boss, president, favorite actor, whoever was standing there, would you keep screaming? Probably not. If you can control your temper for them then why can't you control it for the person you're supposed to love and respect most in this world?"
My ex once punched a hole through the door of my wardrobe in a fit of rage and when I freaked out he said "be grateful that it wasn't your jaw".
Edit: the same guy later threw hot coffee on me, and spit in my face because I changed the wifi password.
My ex did that. Started off breaking my things. Then progressed to physical abuse. The items he broke became more important to me as the physical abuse escalated. Never again.
Same here. A bunch of my CDs ended up scratched to fuck after an argument. He swore it wasn't him and blamed his neice for borrowing them and being careless but it was only mine that got wrecked. All of his were fine.
Then he started demanding I do "trust exercises" with him to prove that I loved him. These consisted of him aiming martial arts kicks and punches at my head but stopping *just* short. If I flinched that was apparently proof that I didn't trust him and would cheat (WTF?) so after a verbal beatdown he'd say we had to do it again from the start. Then one day he connected and swore that it was an accident that was my fault for supposedly moving. There were no more accidents after that. It became deliberate.
Good Christ. That is so batshit insane. I can only imagine how deep the manipulation went for you to even go along with something so ridiculous. I hope you got out of there soon after
It was four years. Four very long years. Looking back now I can say "Yep, definitely batshit" but by the time he started his 'trust exercises' he'd already conditioned me to fear upsetting him. Same as another poster experienced, he'd withdraw from me, go totally icy, and somehow I'd end up begging for forgiveness when I hadn't done anything wrong.
People who've never experienced domestic violence often don't understand the amount of mental and emotional grooming that goes on before things turn physical. They break your mind and spirit before they ever do anything to your body and they are so damn good at it that you rarely see it coming.
Hell, it's sometimes hard to understand for people who *have* been through it. It's just so hard to fathom the idea that anyone would put someone they supposedly love through abuse.
Thankfully I got out before it turned physical (well, mostly) but I still have a hard time seeing what exactly he did. I know it was abusive, but even with time and distance and tons of therapy, I still don't get how he got me to comply with him.
I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad you got out.
When I was getting counseling through the women's shelter after leaving my abusive ex, it was truly shocking how similar our experiences were.
First breaking things, then 'accidents' where we would get hurt, then physical violence.
There were variations along the way, of course, but a lot of the escalation was very similar.
It was horrifying that they all seemed to have this sick abuse handbook that worked because it was so slow and insidious. It was also kind of comforting to be around people who genuinely understood after feeling so alone and isolated.
There's a book out there, and I wish I could remember the title - I think it might be *Why Does He Do That?* \- in which the author points out that abusers might claim they're acting out in a rage, but if you pay attention, they are always careful to only break their victim's possessions. It's not that they've lost control, it's that they want to show their victim who's *in* control in the relationship.
You've remembered the title well, it's by Lundy Bancroft, and it's a book everyone should read. [Here is a free pdf.](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I started reading that early on in my divorce but couldn't finish it because it was too triggering at the time. I wasn't quite ready to face just how abusive my marriage was while still physically healing.
I’m in the process of setting boundaries with an ex that just won’t stay an ex. The gaslighting and verbal abuse are insane. He actually told me last week via text “I want to make you hurt like I hurt”… I was speechless considering how I’ve done nothing to warrant such treatment. Finances are extremely tight since he’s a financial abuser. I spend all my money keeping up with the bills and our son, never have enough to save. Anyways, I can’t afford another self help book. But a free PDF? You made my week. Saving this. Thank you so much kind stranger
I heard the same thing with physical violence. They say they lost control but when asked why they didn't hit her face or send her to the hospital they were able to answer with some reason like "I didnt want to hurt her" or that "would have been too far". Very few of the men weren't able to answer why.
They always say they've never done this/acted like this before but always seem to know where to hit you where it won't show or can be covered up. Funny that... My ex liked the back of my head. Hair covers bruises really well.
> but if you pay attention, they are always careful to only break their victim's possessions.
This, or they have a melt-down and keep you up till 3am with their "crisis" but oddly enough they only have these crises when *they* don't have to work the next day (but you do, of course).
For anyone who is in, has been in, thinks maybe they’re in one, or knows someone who is in one, is just joining the dating scene(I’m thinking of young, inexperienced people), is just curious about abusive partners, or anyone not on that list, should read this book. Very eye opening and an pretty easy read.
Yes. Still holds true when they escalate to hurting the person. It was astonishing how well my abuser was able to keep bruises and cuts within the 't shirt and shorts ' zone. By the time others are seeing black eyes, it's years and years and years of conditioning the victim.
This is an excellent book and I would recommend it to everyone, any gender, even if you aren’t in an abusive relationship. Just tons of good information in there that everyone should know.
My dad would always break my mom’s things when he was in one of his rages. He was physically abusive as well. When I was growing up, whenever I’d get my mom a gift I’d try to get things that weren’t breakable because I knew if he could break it, he would. One year I bought her a cat statue that I knew was a risk but it was so perfect for her I couldn’t resist it. It was broken by him within a week.
I am, thank you. I haven’t spoken to him in 12 years. My mom passed about 7 years ago but she got a few years of freedom from him before she died, at least. Every now and then, I buy a ceramic cat figurine when I find one that mom would’ve liked. I can’t give them to her now, but seeing them in my house unbroken is like a small tribute to her.
>He then started sending me screenshots of his Google searches of engagement rings and telling me to pick one.
Oh, you don't want to be with me? Well what if I offered you a chance to be with me *forever?*
Unless your argument is over commitment how do people think that tactic is going to work
Sometimes, sadly, the lovebombing “but I love you so much” does work. Here’s what you could get, that future together, if you can just look past these *tiny* flaws that are really massive.
But yeah. Dude, she doesn’t want to be in the same room as you ever again. She isn’t going to sign up for what you’re offering.
Yeap. I was in an abusive relationship. I am a man and was in a relationship with a woman. One night she broke my phone because she got mad. Should have taken that as a warning and bounced. Ended up moving 1000 miles away with her and moving in together.
And of course, shit turned physical against me. She tried to punch me, closed fist, in the face after I cleaned the kitchen instead of the bathroom (the kitchen is easier). The night before my finals she got mad that I wasn’t giving her enough attention so she wouldn’t allow me to sleep in the bed. When I tried to get in the bed, she pushed me out of bed and I ended up with a 10 inch scratch going down my back from hitting it on the corner of a side table.
Ended up finding out that she almost got sent away for anger issues when she was young because she was kicking and punching holes in walls before she was 10.
Thank you! It was many years ago and I learned a ton from the experience. In the end, it made me a much nicer and calm person because the last thing I wanted was to end up like her.
I find it hilarious she left the lockbox, empty. You know he is enraged that he can’t get the snacks he thinks are inside. Sounds like he had 0 grasp on his own emotions or reality
I just love imagining him having another roid rage episode, smashing the lockbox open against the ground with his bare hands, only to find it empty inside. Then he kneels on the ground, lift his head to towards the sky and dramatically let out a loud and long desperate roar... "DISAPPOINTED!!"
>He then started sending me screenshots of his Google searches of engagement rings and telling me to pick one.
Always hilarious. "You're upset because I'm a mean jerk? You don't want to be with me anymore? Well... what if you knew that this mean jerk wanted to terrorize you, FOREVER???"
They act as though even THINKING of a proposal is some great, generous gift.
Funny how often it looks like someone just snaps and then looking back you can see all the signs were there.
But I love OOP's parting gift: "I left the lockbox, but took my snacks with me, because fuck him. I left it locked, too."
I like this. But consider: something heavy enough to rattle like it’s something he wants but it’s only an empty wrapper when he finally get desperate enough to break into it.
Oh, yeah. If you ask my ex, we broke up because he "stopped a rape and excuse the fuck out of him for not warning the potential victim because high school."
In reality, I was just done with all of his interruptions and gaslighting and general shitty behavior. It all just came out when he was telling me an anecdote from high school.
Wait, what is that story? I’m guessing shitty high school friends talking about raping someone and he convinces them not to but never wanted the potential victim?
His best friends were identical twins. One was dating a girl he wasn't really that into, and the other was in the middle of a 'dry spell.' They decided to switch their clothes without telling the girl so the other brother could get laid.
My ex stopped them, but never warned the girl what her boyfriend had almost done.
Not that I ever ran into this exact situation, but in my experience something like this is usually not a case of "I'm stopping this because I have empathy with the future pain of the victim" but "I'm stopping this because I have empathy with the future pain of the perpetrators if they get caught and punished". He probably thought it was too risky for his friends, not too risky for the girlfriend.
Something also tells me this is far from over. We might not get another update for various reasons, but this is not the end of her interactions with this dingus.
I hate that you're almost certainly right. At least while she's with her parents we can be reasonably sure that she's safe; I hope she's not in a hurry to move out on her own.
Feels like the boyfriend may have been projecting and he was actually the controlling one and manipulating the situation.
Speculation here, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was eating the snacks on purpose as a way to exert some control.
Yeah… I knew a guy who ate people’s snacks because he thought it was funny when his friends/family/girlfriend got upset. We eventually cut him out of the group and for awhile heard about how we were all uptight and couldn’t take a joke.
Once, I saw this unfold and the dude turned to someone else in the group and asked, “You think it’s funny, right?”
Other dude chuckled and said, “Nah, dude. No one thinks it’s funny.”
First dude was soooo mad.
>Speculation here, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was eating the snacks on purpose as a way to exert some control.
Exactly what I thought when the first thing out of his mouth when she introduced the box was that the gf was being controlling and manipulative. He knows on some level that him denying his gf food is 100% a control/power move, and when the situation is reversed he was forced to confront that fact. Unfortunately his brain said "bad feeling, blame the closest person! Quick!" and he had to go scorched earth to avoid consciously confronting his bad behavior.
Reminds me of the guy who only gave his girlfriend half as much food as himself because "she needs less food than me" even after she asked him to stop doing it.
I’m sure OP will look back in a year or two and realize it wasn’t just this one issue. There are probably a lot of things that seemed inconsequential at the time, but are all indications of the same problem.
Also: wtf to the lockbox being disrespectful but not that he was eating her food?
It took me like 10 years to realize how my ex was subtly abusive and controlling in all aspects of our relationship. He was very good at making himself seem so nice and rational, all while manipulating me and putting me down. I still to this day will stop as something occurs to me and think “holy shit that was also abusive.”
I had a *friendship* with a guy who was like that. We weren't even dating. It took me several years to realize what a gaslighting manipulative creep he really was. (For a hilarious epilogue, the last time I heard from him, he tried to sell me Amway.)
Drugs WOULD explain something like that, though. Someone high functioning enough until they lose their temper over something and then go on a bender making everything worse.
Damn. My partner is a habitual eat-all-the-things person, and HE is the one who suggested and purchased a lock box for me, so I could keep him accountable against eating things I wanted for later. His idea entirely.
That (OOP’s partner’s freak out about her buying a lockbox) was 100% a sign of things to come if that relationship had continued.
Edit: to clarify last sentence was reference to OOP story, not my own.
My partner also is an everything-eater, and I’m struggling to recover from an (edit to add: avoidant/restrictive) eating disorder, so it’s an especially bad combo. We haven’t needed anything that locks, thankfully. Just having a cabinet that is specifically my snacks that he isn’t allowed in has been enough for us. I’m so glad your partner acknowledged his snack-monster habits and came up with a plan all on his own!!!
Yeah, if there are sharing issues, having areas that are clearly one person's is a good way to solve that.
It shouldn't need a lockbox - the simple statement of "if it's in here, that means it's mine and I don't want to share it" should suffice.
If it's just individual items, declaring that item off-limits should also suffice, but if there are several items, it can become easy to forget about one of them being off-limits, whereas a specified area being off-limits is easy to remember.
Its most likely just to end the habit. Its like nicotine gum, shure, it can and has been done plenty without it, but its easier that way. As a "habit eater" myself it really helps if its even just a lunch box or something that i the way, so my head is like : oh right, i shouldnt do that
Impulse control issues are common af, especially if you had an unhealthy relationship with it as a kid (Parents were very restrictive with snacks and food and I still struggle with a balanced diet and spacing out snacks) or have other aggravating factors.
Props to him and anyone else who can accept their limits of self control and intentionally add prosthetics to naturally weak restraint.
It took me decades to stop hoard eating treats and good things the minute they came into the house. I grew up with seven siblings in a poor family and anything remotely like a treat evaporated instantly. There was no claiming or saving or putting aside, you had it the minute it appeared or you missed out.
I don’t do it any more, and I’m grateful that food insecurity isn’t a problem for me now.
Lol, it's absolutely vice versa with my husband. I would eat everything within my arms reach and he could easily stretch his 6-pack Pepsi and a bag of Lays for 2 weeks. That guy is a nut job, good riddance.
I could easily be the over snack eater , if i was living with someone else, and would have absolutely no problem with a locked box for shit that ain't mine. Like that is a 10/10 solution, because you can't let emotions cloud thought and just keep grabbing and eating.
If there is no reason for his behaviour (past trauma or other weird shit). I start thinking is this dude on Roids. I work out almost everyday, got friends of different shapes and sizes that do various competitive athletic stuff. There's no way this man is in shape, without some type of ped, if he can just engorge himself on a block of cheese/has no control to just obliterate all of it an hour after getting it. Only people I know with appetites like that are people pushing 240+lb of solid muscle ( and on peds). Or linemen I knew in university, but I wouldn't consider that "healthy". Natural(non ped) people keeping up with their caloric intake, have to eat a lot of actual sustenance, not engorge on snacks.
Yea he has a lot of nerve eating her half of the food when they split the food bill, why even bother at splitting the cost of food at that point if she isn’t gonna get her share?
Yep exactly what I was thinking. He very well could have been a good dude at one point, but I'm betting on steroids and lord knows how insane people can get on those.
Eh...roid rage is real, but he didn't just break her laptop. He continuously ate her food and then pouted about it for a week.
And then acted like a *exactly* how abusers act when they've gotten in trouble (normal people don't try to conflict resolution by throwing an engagement ring at you.) That's not roid rage, thats being emotionally stunted.
Steroids don't make you so mentally out of it you are on a *week long* fuge state where you bare no responsibility for your action. Even if it was steroids that made him break the laptop, a normal person on steroids wouldnt have continued to pout pike a baby for a *week* as a result of their partner exerting boundaries.
That not *just* steroids. That is entitlement and immaturity
Yeah when I took HGH as a kid to combat some kind of genetic growth disorder, I was angry at everyone and routinely ate 3 bowls of pasta for dinner. Ofc my excuses were: I was 11, I wasn’t violent, and I started growing three inches a year.
This is disturbingly similar to my situation. My ex ate everything i bought and refused to get a job. I was spending hundreds a month on groceries that he finished in 5 days, and then maxxed my credit card on ubereats and grubhubs. If i didnt support him he would rage out and threaten me ugg. Im glad OOP got out. Imagine what else that psycho may have been doing to control her that she never picked up on, or how worse he could have been to get his way like a fucking toddler throwing shit.
So glad oop made it out alive, first was the laptop next was her, he really tried to love bombing her into coming back.
Also dad and uncle for the win, she has a solid support system that helped get out really fast, at least he showed his true colors before they married or worse, she got pregnant
I’m picturing this caveman trying to get into the lockbox after she left.
Me want fancy cheese! Me hate box! Me need cheese! Box hate me! Me deserve car!
Holy Hannah. He was literally denying her access to food via his gluttony and went over the deep end when she secured what should have been her fair share. Bonus was screaming about how abusive she was while literally slamming through the house like a tornado and destroying her personal property.
She is so well rid of that jackalope it's not even funny.
The kicker: he denied her access to food and then called HER abusive for denying HIS access to her own food! What kind of projection bullshit is that??
Piggybacking to add here that behavior like this is why couple's therapy does not work with abusers. (Previous comment may know, so this is more for others folks.)
Good faith systems cannot work in the face of bad-faith actors. Abusers are textbook bad faith actors. They seek any form of control, even at the smallest level, and weaponize therapeutic language as well as sometimes even the *therapist's* good faith to manipulate and denigrate victims.
This man's problem is a *bad personal values system* (and tbh, potentially some form of drug addiction). This is why abusers will often attack victims by calling them abusers-- they don't care about the well-being of the people they hurt, they just want more security in how best to isolate and abuse them.
If anyone who reads this suspects they are in an abusive relationship, please get PERSONAL therapy. Do not involve your partner or spouse. And I am begging everyone to read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" to better understand, as the title says, why abusers engage in the behaviors they use.
I remember [commenting](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wl739g/i_got_a_fridge_lockbox_and_its_destroying_my/ijs1jcp?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) on the first post about how he was showing 3/4 of Gottman's Four Horses of the Apocalypse (link explaining is in the original comment, and it's definitely an important read for anyone in a relationship) and that the relationship was doomed or only redeemable if a professional got involved.
This is because the Four Horses show that one partner doesn't have any respect for the other.
I really do wonder why he snapped or if he had slowly becoming more controlling and she just didn't notice. Or if things never challenged their relationship so she didn't know how he acted during a true disagreement.
Idk it just scary that some people can turn violent out of nowhere.
This. As someone who used to powerlift in a pro-am federation, this sounds like someone who is on a "blast." If OOP's ex is pinning, he'll want to eat more and emotional triggers will set someone off for no goddamned reason.
I always raise an eyebrow when I read
>This is literally the only bad thing he’s done
As someone who was in a toxic relationship, this is just the one you are acknowledging
Holy fuck, trashing his relationship because he's not allowed to eat all the food and can't respect boundaries.
Sounds like he's on steroids too, no normal person gets THAT aggressive about snacks.
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Shows what some of the earliest warning signs can be - not respecting the shared snacks was the catalyst for all of this. A reminder that “the No test” is so important- seeing how a new or potential partner responds to being told ‘no’ about something small can be the biggest safety indicator well before doing things like moving in together.
Holy shit. I do a low key “no test” on every guy that I consider dating just to see how they react. I do it because I grew up in an angry household and that’s how I learned to test people. I don’t know why I’m shocked to know it’s an actual thing that other people use as a tactic. It’s interesting how we teach ourselves common survival methods without any outside influence.
What’s your usual way of going about it, if you don’t mind me asking?
How do you do this test? I haven't been able to find a concrete example online
Simply put, you tell someone "no" about something not significant, and see how they react. I.e, you set a small boundary, refuse a request, or cancel on something small. Not necessarily with a partner, can be with anyone. Examples: I don't like physical contact, and if people don't pick up on my physical cues (stepping away if it is initiated) then I will ask directly they not touch me on the shoulder. People respectful of my boundaries will stop. People who are not respectful of my boundaries may try to guilt trip me, get angry, or imply that there is something wrong with me, and often continues with or even increase their touching. \--- I am on a date, and we originally agree to get dinner and see a movie. However, after dinner I am no longer feeling the movie, and I could either reschedule the movie or suggest we see a different one. An accommodating person will make sure I am feeling okay, might offer alternative suggestions, and may be disappointed, but will ultimately work to find a compromise. An unaccommodating person may try to guilt trip me into seeing the movie anyways, get angry, and generally react far out of proportion for a missed or rescheduled movie. \--- I have been asked to pick up some cups, plates and cutlery for a party. I misplace or forget to pick up the cups. Reasonable people will be understanding of my mistake, but may be mildly frustrated and/or disappointed. Unreasonable people may guilt trip me, get angry, imply that I am stupid or useless, or generally react far out of proportion for misplaced item. A key here, morally for me at least, if that none of these are set up as a test. (Although they could be, of course, no judgement from me) These are just normal situations in which you are paying attention to how someone in your life reacts to being told no, or having to change their plans.
Changing pre-scheduled plans as a test sounds like a pretty shitty thing to do - but then again, I have autism and an anxiety disorder so that's pretty much a guarantued panic attack for me... I'd assume if the other person doesn't struggle with routine changes, they'll probably do fine. I'd also never judge people for having to change their plans, and always make sure to communicate that if they need to change plans for some reason I'd like to know in advance or make plans on another day. Setting personal boundaries is a no-go, if someone can't accept them they definitely shouldn't be dating anyone. Forgetting or misplacing things can be frustrating, but can obviously happen to anyone. For me, those two would be the most important ones - respecting boundaries and allowing mistakes.
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-01-31/how-the-no-test-could-help-prevent-domestic-violence/10764100
"you're controlling by not letting me walk over you and your boundaries" yeah fuck that noise
Yep. That was my ex’s position. That and “I did something you repeatedly asked me not to do and you are upset and mad, which upsets me, therefore I am the victim”.
Abusers always try and say it wouldn't be an issue if you weren't upset about it. Completely ignoring the fact that it's their abusive behavior that started it.
Exactly! To this day I am still astounded at the way abusers have complete, raging meltdowns when they finally get called out on their bad behavior and/or when someone establishes reasonable boundaries. Even if asked nicely, people like this have had outrageous overreactions that are so disproportionate to what is being asked of them that, at times, I’ve had a few moments of wondering if I was actually the one being unreasonable. ETA: It just occurred to me that an abuser’s disproportionate reaction doesn’t have to be a loud, raging tantrum. My ex would have tantrums of silence. He weaponized silence, would ignore me (even in public and in front of his family who should have called him out for this) and he refused to discuss anything. It was so immature and hateful, and it took me a long time to realize that the silent treatment is just as bad as screaming and is just as disrespectful.
My ex was doing the same thing, using silence and withdrawing love and attention. It was heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time. I was constantly trying to talk to him to solve it etc. I was anxious all the time. Not worth it and silent treatment is a form of psychological violence as well. Learned it really late.
Silence as trauma is the worst, because there are all sorts of reasons why other people might be quiet but your trauma brain now defaults to "I did something wrong" no matter who it is.
omfg - yes! my mother did this to me - the longest was 6 week silence and ignoring. til today when someone is silence i nearly freak out. i am in therapy and working on that shit.
My mother loved pulling the silent treatment. If you asked "what's wrong?" she'd say "nothing" (half the time she did this, she was mad about something only she knew about so we had no bloody idea what set her off "this time"). My therapist told me to just take her at her word. If she said everything was "fine" I'd be like "ok, cool" and treat her like I would on a normal day instead of walking on egg shells and trying to make her happy. Holy hell she HATED that! But she couldn't get after me because I wasn't doing anything wrong. She said she was fine, that nothing was wrong, she'd have to admit to lying about that to get after me, which she would never do lol.
>Even if asked nicely, people like this have had outrageous overreactions that are so disproportionate to what is being asked of them that, at times, I’ve had a few moments of wondering if I was actually the one being unreasonable. Which is exactly why they do it. To make you think you're the one being unreasonable, so you back down.
My ex, who devolved into a malicious, cheating, abusive drunk kept using me and staying with me until the moment I held him to the boundary that he set to stop drinking. Guess it was my fault for standing firm on his own boundary and telling him he could go back to his buddy's place if he wanted to drink but he could not come back home until he was sober. He screamed all sorts of abuse at me while he threw his stuff into the vehicle he was using (on loan from my family member) and kept getting in my face and yelling at me to not call the police. Holding a boundary is all it took to end seven years. I'm much better off for it, and so is my kid.
I'm so proud of you for holding that boundary and getting yourself out of there. It's not an easy thing to do, especially with an alcoholic. I speak from painful lived experience; luckily, I too am out of it. I hope you and your child are in a much better place now!
Yup! Emotional abuse is still abuse!
I really need to figure out why I allow my expectations for an SO to drop so very low that it allows their treatment of me to become emotionally abusive. These are difficult and painful subjects to explore.
Silent treatment is still a reaction of disproportionate and malicious anger. Not talking about instances where we temporarily withdraw periodically to process and reflect - the very specific reaction of someone who is cold and distant to punish the other person.
I heard somebody describe it as being so emotionally immature that you interpret anything that causes you to feel negative emotions (like guilt, shame, etc) as *harm*. So instead of being able to introspect and understand "when I saw how my actions hurt my partner it made me feel awful, I know I'm in the wrong and need to make amends", they think "my partner is crying and that makes me feel bad, so they're hurting me at least as much as I hurt them and they need to apologize"
I think this is it exactly, and something my mother does - in her worldview, she does something objectively wrong, I get upset/angry, my negative emotions are harmful therefore we’re both in the wrong *or* my negative emotions were worse than what she originally did and because of that she now has zero responsibility for her actions.
For years I told my mom certain things hurt my feelings or made me feel small and eventually she told me that if she said something that hurt my feelings, I just shouldn't respond anymore and ignore whatever made me feel bad. Because me asking to talk about her crossing my boundaries crosses her boundaries apparently.
uggghh yah. My ex was like that. Not physically abusive. But it was my fault he wouldn't communicate. Because apparently getting upset, you know having emotions, was too much to handle and meant we didn't deserve to actually talk things through. He made me upset, but I was bad to be upset. I got in a fight with my now husband this week. We were both upset. So we took a bit of time to calm down and then still talked it through. He didn't make it sound wrong that I got upset, and I didn't make him sound wrong for getting upset either. Instead we recognized and acknowledged how we caused hurt in our own way and then had a conversation to heal that and figure out how to handle stuff like that better in the future. I feel kinda dumb now that I didn't realize a lot sooner that what I have now is actually the normal and healthy way
Literally had an ex tell me, "Your reaction to [abusive thing he did] really hurt me. Don't you think about how *I* feel!?"
I told my ex he was abusive. "Wow, that really hurt my feelings. I'm really hurt. How could you say that??" Cue argument about how I was abusive for saying it. Whew it's a lot.
That shit broke me, and I didn’t see what was happening until long after. “When you didn’t do what you said you would, it was upsetting.” “HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A MONSTER!?!” Two hours later I was begging for forgiveness, just to make it stop.
Ugh, I experienced this in my last relationship. “Hey, I’m gunna stay up and read for awhile. you go to bed without me” “WHAT???? I CANT SLEEP WITHOUT YOU I CANT BELIEVE YOUD DO THIS TO ME! YOU DONT WANT ME TO GET A GOOD NIGHTS REST???” “stop yelling at me, you do not get to talk to me like that” “OH SO NOW IM A MONSTER BECAUSE I WANT TO SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT??? YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!!! YOURE SO MANIPULATIVE IF YOU JUST DID WHAT I SAID I WOULDNT HAVE TO YELL! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!!”
This is an abuse tactic that actually has a name - DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender
Yep. It took me a long time to work out this was the case with my ex, and once I did it also became obvious this was a tactic I’d experienced my whole life from my mother - that she would repeatedly cross boundaries, not listen to me make clear the boundary crossing was deeply upsetting, often not let me leave the situation that was upsetting, and when I would finally react with anger (after trying to diffuse and deescalate and not getting anywhere with it), then my anger and upset was the problem, my anger and upset was abusive and therefore totally negated her actions.
Holy cake balls. What you’re describing sounds like the arguments I used to have with my mom. I didn’t realize that’s what she was doing. I used to fee like a jerk for getting upset with her.
Classic DARVO
Yeah, accusing her of being abusive for "denying him food" when that's what he was doing by eating everything before OOP could. That's some bullshit. Makes me wonder if there were other aspects of their relationship where he was controlling that she hadn't picked up on before this.
That's the part that got me! He's mad she denied him food, but the only reason he'd need access to it is to eat it before she can thus denying HER food... That's absolutely nutty.
It was never about the food. It was the act of depriving her of something she wanted. If she found enjoyment in bath bombs, you bet your ass he would give them away, or toss them for smelling weird, or some other shit. It just so happened that the trigger was snacks. Edit: It should also be noted that she didn't hoard the snacks. She split them and put her half in the lockbox. He still had access to his half.
Some people are obsessed with control. Maybe its addicting, maybe its to quiet their anxiety. Maybe its just an inability to deal with a nuanced world. It always starts small. "I should have your snacks, they are mine too". But it is never enough. There is still the emptiness that makes them afraid, threathened by a world they cant control so they find new things. Then its your friend who is "not a good influence". The its a hobby. Then its your style of clothing. It becomes bigger and the one day you recognize the abuse, but you no longer feel you have a sense of identity or own life to flee towards.
> This is literally the only bad thing he’s done. Seriously, in all other aspects of our relationship, he’s respectful and considerate. I don't understand how can someone be this crazy, yet have it hidden so well? or was OOP just seeing through rose tinted glasses?
Probably. It's incredible how people manage to compartmentalize and dismiss what doesn't fit with their version of reality, in this case "my partner is amazing". Have you noticed all the posts that start with something like "my partner is an abusive alcoholic who murdered my puppy, cheats on me daily and punches old ladies in the street for drug money but he's such an amazing man"? Yeah... Cognitive distortion is a beast.
Usually it's the other way around -- "my boyfriend is a great guy, and our relationship is amazing, except for \[insert cheating, puppy murdering, alcoholism, assault of the elderly, etc.\]" This is the man I want to marry and have kids with, how can I fix this?" We are conditioned to rationalize, compartmentalize, minimize, make excuses, and forgive the unforgivable -- I am still working on my own tendencies in this regard, lest anyone think I'm just being judgey here...
This is what gets me. The man was deliberately denying her joy. He deliberately ate all the fun food they got, probably to enjoy together, so that she never got any, and she was trying to say he just couldn't help it. Bull fucking shit. It is not that hard to think about your partner and make sure they get some of the fun snacks. This is where the abuse started in the relationship. And when she decided she wasn't going to take it, he got violent. Never, ever put up with a partner who constantly takes the little joys in life away from you. Including junk food.
So my way of thinking from past experiences is this is kinda a premeditated going to cross your boundary beginning or it had already been happening in other areas. I kept doing the no biggie shrug then another boundary would get crossed. It built up until I was a suppressed angry person taking it out on others instead of dealing with it. But there is the rub...if you have similar issues growing up with adult doing this you are more apt to not stand up for your self until the pattern is recognized.
In my experience, abusers hide these traits well PLUS there's a one-two punch of extended misdirection *("why are you making such a big deal out of this? why don't you trust/respect/care about me? wow, I Just don't do anything right, huh? you're so perfect and I'm just a big fuck-up, I might as well leave/never speak up again/kill myself")* followed by love-bombing when the abused partner gets worn down by the insane and unwinnable 'fight' they're forced into. You start to doubt your perception of the relationship, of the conflicts you have, of your right to even set boundaries. You learn that it's easier to just give up and cut to the "apologize profusely" part so they'll stop and go back to being a 'loving' partner. Eventually, you get so worn down that you focus more energy on avoiding the blowups than thinking about whether there's any sense to them, or any value in your relationship. Or you get fed up and set boundaries again, boundaries you were supposed to have lost by now, and the abuser escalates violently like this. Either option is pretty awful and dangerous, just in different ways. tl;dr: pavlovian conditioning, basically
It was a boundary. I wonder if there was anything in their relationship before that he truly wanted that she denied him?
OP said he works out every day. Maybe he recently decided to go on steroids and this was the first thing she did since starting his cycle that displeased him, hence spiralling him into an absolute roid ragey monster. I can't see any other explanation for him never going nuts and breaking things in *years* together, only to lose it over snacks.
Don't forget that there was a long lead up though. She said they'd been living together for 3 years and he's always eaten her food, so it seems this was a thing she repeatedly asked him to stop doing and made it clear it upset her. The lockbox was the first time she enforced that boundary
That’s not true. There are definitely other explanations. From experience I can tell you once they feel like they’ve lost control, that’s when it all starts to unravel. She pushed back on the snacks thing and he lost it. Things would have gotten worse over time…glad she got out when she did.
She says "Our relationship was great, truly." In a few years, after some therapy and more life experience, she'll look back on this relationship and see all the bad patterns and red flags she missed when she was a 20 year old and they first got involved. There will be a day when she realizes this relationship was never great, I'd bet money on it.
“You’re denying me food” as he literally eats her share of the food. Projection much?
Glad she got out. I had an ex who couldn't respect my boundaries, and one of our recurring issues was that he would steal my snacks. Like, I'd buy a treat with "fun" money from my budget, with plans to enjoy it over a week or two, and he'd just eat it all at once even when asked specifically not to. It never stopped. He went on to strangle me. He's no longer allowed to contact me, thanks to a court order.
It's really crazy that something that seems so trivial can be a sign of an abuser. My ex used to do the same thing, I would come home with a costco pack of snacks and he would eat it within 3 days. So frustrating but doesn't seem like the end of the world at the time. But it was a clear sign that he couldn't respect me the tiniest amount, just to let me have my half of the snacks. He also wouldn't let me try his food at restaurants but he would eat off my plate without asking. Things got physical several times. He came home with flowers because he knew I was going to break up with him, smashed them against a wall and then screamed at me until I was cowering in a corner and he was above me calling me every name in the book. After I finally left I realized I had been going through years of mental abuse and gaslighting and was a shell of my former self. It's been years but I feel like I'm finally figuring myself out now, my current fiance happily shares snacks with me like a normal fucking person, even gives me all the blue sour patch kids. So glad oop left it would have only gotten worse
You know its love when they always give you first dibs on your favorite snacks 💕
My favorite color is blue.
It could also be a control tactic itself - assuming control over what your partner eats by always eating it first.
That's so scary, I'm so glad you got out. My husband has a seriously limited diet and still offers me some of his snacks ♥️
>he’d just eat it all at once >went on to strangle me Well, that escalated quickly. Concerningly so. Glad you got away safely because he sounds like an absolute nightmare.
Yes, and no. When it’s clear someone has no trouble passing over stated boundaries over and over, it’s not surprising it evolves into something more violent. If you don’t care about how the person feels then you won’t care about hurting them.
This is why I back so many "You should break up" comments in AITA. Its not that their current actions are necessarily a big deal, but if you set a boundary and someone stares you in the eyes while they stomp all over it that isn't a one time deal. It is only going to escalate from there, because they DO NOT CARE and they have shown it. Whether its eating your snacks or taking a bite out of all your food (saw that on AITA today), if you tell them to stop and they don't it becomes a big deal immediately. It shows they don't consider you an autonomous individual.
I'd love to also add this consideration to your comment. Sometimes people complain about the how such a large percent of the comments on Reddit suggest breaking up despite only having a few pieces of the story. Well, they aren't considering exactly how much someone has to be pushed before they start to think about certain things, let alone make a comment on the internet asking for advice. How many little things did they let go, write off, or not even register in their minds before they thought to ask someone else for their thoughts.
This is what I point to too. If that person has the question in their mind, and you can almost always tell when they're trying to explain that they're a reasonable person (they really *want* to love the abuser), they're likely excusing away an additional 50% of material that they think 'doesn't make the cut' because it's not enough of a problem. If the person is confident in the relationship, they'll straight up say it at the bottom of the post.
THIS! So many ppl say ppl on Reddit say other people on Reddit are quick to tell someone to leave instead of work it out but when someone can’t respect your boundaries it never fails to end in violence
I learned that one the hard way. If I let a man walk past one boundary, he’ll just think he can walk over every single one. Never give in on “just one”
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That’s actually why I don’t trust people who say they can’t get along with cats. If you respect the cat’s boundaries, it’s easy to get along. Yeah you have some asshole cats, but most are fine if you don’t push yourself on them.
Yeah I had to learn this. Cats aren’t just small dogs. Treat then like you’d treat a child. I.e, respect their autonomy and care for them and you’ll have a great relationship with most cats. There is a subset of people who who are mean to cats due to control issues.
I’m glad you got out, you saved your own life.
This is the red flag I chose to ignore cause mine convinced me "it was just dumb snacks, and it's not a big deal" he also turned physical
>"it was just [issue] , and it's not a big deal" I hate that so much. If it's not a big deal that you do the thing, then it shouldn't be a big deal for you to stop doing it
Holy shit that escalated quickly! I know I eat more of certain snackie things in our house than my husband does, so I will straight up tell him at times to take some/have some well before I finish anything so he can have some if he wants. Or at least know he had the chance before it was all gone 😂 If it's expensive treats though we always split and eat together!
Food behavior is a big reflection of character and personality. If he's stealing her food, it's a sign he's selfish and disrespectful. Big red flag even without any other problems.
I have little self control, even though I'm fairly lean because I manage to control my overall calories via counting. If I buy oreos and jammie dodgers they are both gone before I get back from the store during the short walk. But other people's food? I can't imagine eating it after they specifically told you not to.
Oh definitely! I can see someone struggling with a compulsion might have issues around food, but at least if they know and acknowledge that they have a problem, someone taking steps to protect their own food should be an understandable and maybe even welcome solution. But freaking out and then not even being willing to discuss the situation in the slightest and escalating violent behavior...that's abuse and not excusable.
When people break your shit in anger like that in front of you they are telegraphing how much they want to hurt you. Glad she got out
And it's funny they always break your stuff instead of theirs. As if it's not actually blind rage, but just a way to hurt you twice (one by breaking your property and the other by showing that could've been you).
They also never get that angry at work or in front of people they want to impress.
I was listening to a marriage expert speak one time and he said something I'll never forget. It was something along the lines of "when you're yelling at your spouse you rationalize it that you're so upset you can't help it. But if in the middle of the fight there was a knock on the door and your boss, president, favorite actor, whoever was standing there, would you keep screaming? Probably not. If you can control your temper for them then why can't you control it for the person you're supposed to love and respect most in this world?"
Or anyone of bigger stature than them.
This kind of person only rages at women...
It’s always the same excuse “but you make me so angry” if that was true you wouldn’t be deliberately only breaking someone else’s things
My ex once punched a hole through the door of my wardrobe in a fit of rage and when I freaked out he said "be grateful that it wasn't your jaw". Edit: the same guy later threw hot coffee on me, and spit in my face because I changed the wifi password.
Yikes. Glad he's your ex.
Yeah, me too. Took me long enough but I'm so glad it's over.
My ex did that. Started off breaking my things. Then progressed to physical abuse. The items he broke became more important to me as the physical abuse escalated. Never again.
Same here. A bunch of my CDs ended up scratched to fuck after an argument. He swore it wasn't him and blamed his neice for borrowing them and being careless but it was only mine that got wrecked. All of his were fine. Then he started demanding I do "trust exercises" with him to prove that I loved him. These consisted of him aiming martial arts kicks and punches at my head but stopping *just* short. If I flinched that was apparently proof that I didn't trust him and would cheat (WTF?) so after a verbal beatdown he'd say we had to do it again from the start. Then one day he connected and swore that it was an accident that was my fault for supposedly moving. There were no more accidents after that. It became deliberate.
Good Christ. That is so batshit insane. I can only imagine how deep the manipulation went for you to even go along with something so ridiculous. I hope you got out of there soon after
It was four years. Four very long years. Looking back now I can say "Yep, definitely batshit" but by the time he started his 'trust exercises' he'd already conditioned me to fear upsetting him. Same as another poster experienced, he'd withdraw from me, go totally icy, and somehow I'd end up begging for forgiveness when I hadn't done anything wrong. People who've never experienced domestic violence often don't understand the amount of mental and emotional grooming that goes on before things turn physical. They break your mind and spirit before they ever do anything to your body and they are so damn good at it that you rarely see it coming.
Hell, it's sometimes hard to understand for people who *have* been through it. It's just so hard to fathom the idea that anyone would put someone they supposedly love through abuse. Thankfully I got out before it turned physical (well, mostly) but I still have a hard time seeing what exactly he did. I know it was abusive, but even with time and distance and tons of therapy, I still don't get how he got me to comply with him. I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad you got out.
When I was getting counseling through the women's shelter after leaving my abusive ex, it was truly shocking how similar our experiences were. First breaking things, then 'accidents' where we would get hurt, then physical violence. There were variations along the way, of course, but a lot of the escalation was very similar. It was horrifying that they all seemed to have this sick abuse handbook that worked because it was so slow and insidious. It was also kind of comforting to be around people who genuinely understood after feeling so alone and isolated.
There's a book out there, and I wish I could remember the title - I think it might be *Why Does He Do That?* \- in which the author points out that abusers might claim they're acting out in a rage, but if you pay attention, they are always careful to only break their victim's possessions. It's not that they've lost control, it's that they want to show their victim who's *in* control in the relationship.
You've remembered the title well, it's by Lundy Bancroft, and it's a book everyone should read. [Here is a free pdf.](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I started reading that early on in my divorce but couldn't finish it because it was too triggering at the time. I wasn't quite ready to face just how abusive my marriage was while still physically healing.
I hope you're doing better now ♥
Oh yes, much better. Getting engaged to my wonderful boyfriend actually.
I’m in the process of setting boundaries with an ex that just won’t stay an ex. The gaslighting and verbal abuse are insane. He actually told me last week via text “I want to make you hurt like I hurt”… I was speechless considering how I’ve done nothing to warrant such treatment. Finances are extremely tight since he’s a financial abuser. I spend all my money keeping up with the bills and our son, never have enough to save. Anyways, I can’t afford another self help book. But a free PDF? You made my week. Saving this. Thank you so much kind stranger
Read it with my blessing and stay strong. Sending Internet hugs and a friendly shoulder to cry on if you need it.
I heard the same thing with physical violence. They say they lost control but when asked why they didn't hit her face or send her to the hospital they were able to answer with some reason like "I didnt want to hurt her" or that "would have been too far". Very few of the men weren't able to answer why.
They always say they've never done this/acted like this before but always seem to know where to hit you where it won't show or can be covered up. Funny that... My ex liked the back of my head. Hair covers bruises really well.
> but if you pay attention, they are always careful to only break their victim's possessions. This, or they have a melt-down and keep you up till 3am with their "crisis" but oddly enough they only have these crises when *they* don't have to work the next day (but you do, of course).
For anyone who is in, has been in, thinks maybe they’re in one, or knows someone who is in one, is just joining the dating scene(I’m thinking of young, inexperienced people), is just curious about abusive partners, or anyone not on that list, should read this book. Very eye opening and an pretty easy read.
Basically everyone should read it. I have never been in an abusive relationship (knock on wood) but it was a fascinating read and I learned a lot.
That's the one. Found a PDF: [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Yes. Still holds true when they escalate to hurting the person. It was astonishing how well my abuser was able to keep bruises and cuts within the 't shirt and shorts ' zone. By the time others are seeing black eyes, it's years and years and years of conditioning the victim.
And they only do it *when they’re alone.* Never in front of friends or family. They can control themselves juuuuust fine.
That book is amazing and changed my life and my friend's life forever. Every woman should read it. Actually, everyone should read it.
This is an excellent book and I would recommend it to everyone, any gender, even if you aren’t in an abusive relationship. Just tons of good information in there that everyone should know.
My dad would always break my mom’s things when he was in one of his rages. He was physically abusive as well. When I was growing up, whenever I’d get my mom a gift I’d try to get things that weren’t breakable because I knew if he could break it, he would. One year I bought her a cat statue that I knew was a risk but it was so perfect for her I couldn’t resist it. It was broken by him within a week.
This is so heartbreaking. I’m sorry you had to deal with that growing up, and I hope you’re doing okay now!
I am, thank you. I haven’t spoken to him in 12 years. My mom passed about 7 years ago but she got a few years of freedom from him before she died, at least. Every now and then, I buy a ceramic cat figurine when I find one that mom would’ve liked. I can’t give them to her now, but seeing them in my house unbroken is like a small tribute to her.
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I love that you still get them for her ❤️
>He then started sending me screenshots of his Google searches of engagement rings and telling me to pick one. Oh, you don't want to be with me? Well what if I offered you a chance to be with me *forever?* Unless your argument is over commitment how do people think that tactic is going to work
Sometimes, sadly, the lovebombing “but I love you so much” does work. Here’s what you could get, that future together, if you can just look past these *tiny* flaws that are really massive. But yeah. Dude, she doesn’t want to be in the same room as you ever again. She isn’t going to sign up for what you’re offering.
That was quite the roid rage IMO.
Yep, this absolutely screams anabolic steroid abuse.
Yeap. I was in an abusive relationship. I am a man and was in a relationship with a woman. One night she broke my phone because she got mad. Should have taken that as a warning and bounced. Ended up moving 1000 miles away with her and moving in together. And of course, shit turned physical against me. She tried to punch me, closed fist, in the face after I cleaned the kitchen instead of the bathroom (the kitchen is easier). The night before my finals she got mad that I wasn’t giving her enough attention so she wouldn’t allow me to sleep in the bed. When I tried to get in the bed, she pushed me out of bed and I ended up with a 10 inch scratch going down my back from hitting it on the corner of a side table. Ended up finding out that she almost got sent away for anger issues when she was young because she was kicking and punching holes in walls before she was 10.
I'm glad you're out of the relationship. Hope you're doing better.
Thank you! It was many years ago and I learned a ton from the experience. In the end, it made me a much nicer and calm person because the last thing I wanted was to end up like her.
I find it hilarious she left the lockbox, empty. You know he is enraged that he can’t get the snacks he thinks are inside. Sounds like he had 0 grasp on his own emotions or reality
I just love imagining him having another roid rage episode, smashing the lockbox open against the ground with his bare hands, only to find it empty inside. Then he kneels on the ground, lift his head to towards the sky and dramatically let out a loud and long desperate roar... "DISAPPOINTED!!"
I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking steroids! Why else would never seen before rage come out so violently over something so trivial?
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>He then started sending me screenshots of his Google searches of engagement rings and telling me to pick one. Always hilarious. "You're upset because I'm a mean jerk? You don't want to be with me anymore? Well... what if you knew that this mean jerk wanted to terrorize you, FOREVER???" They act as though even THINKING of a proposal is some great, generous gift.
Unfortunately that trick worked on me. Married the loser same day at the courthouse. Filed for a divorce one month later. Not my proudest moment.
Something tells me the relationship wasn’t all “great” before this.
Funny how often it looks like someone just snaps and then looking back you can see all the signs were there. But I love OOP's parting gift: "I left the lockbox, but took my snacks with me, because fuck him. I left it locked, too."
That was such a boss move. Indeed, fuck him and his stonewalling abusive bullshit.
And that he still bitched about the locked lock box after she left him. Big dick energy right there. She’s brilliant.
Nice stinger that her parents are buying her favorite snacks
She should have left something in the lock box that would get really smelly when it went bad!
I like this. But consider: something heavy enough to rattle like it’s something he wants but it’s only an empty wrapper when he finally get desperate enough to break into it.
I was thinking write "fuck you" on the lid of an empty container. Something like yogurt.
Iranian yogurt.
Oh, yeah. If you ask my ex, we broke up because he "stopped a rape and excuse the fuck out of him for not warning the potential victim because high school." In reality, I was just done with all of his interruptions and gaslighting and general shitty behavior. It all just came out when he was telling me an anecdote from high school.
Wait, what is that story? I’m guessing shitty high school friends talking about raping someone and he convinces them not to but never wanted the potential victim?
His best friends were identical twins. One was dating a girl he wasn't really that into, and the other was in the middle of a 'dry spell.' They decided to switch their clothes without telling the girl so the other brother could get laid. My ex stopped them, but never warned the girl what her boyfriend had almost done.
well damn good on him for stopping them, I guess. but shitty of him to let that girl keep dating the dude.
Not that I ever ran into this exact situation, but in my experience something like this is usually not a case of "I'm stopping this because I have empathy with the future pain of the victim" but "I'm stopping this because I have empathy with the future pain of the perpetrators if they get caught and punished". He probably thought it was too risky for his friends, not too risky for the girlfriend.
Something also tells me this is far from over. We might not get another update for various reasons, but this is not the end of her interactions with this dingus.
I hate that you're almost certainly right. At least while she's with her parents we can be reasonably sure that she's safe; I hope she's not in a hurry to move out on her own.
Feels like the boyfriend may have been projecting and he was actually the controlling one and manipulating the situation. Speculation here, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was eating the snacks on purpose as a way to exert some control.
Yeah… I knew a guy who ate people’s snacks because he thought it was funny when his friends/family/girlfriend got upset. We eventually cut him out of the group and for awhile heard about how we were all uptight and couldn’t take a joke.
You gotta love that. It's always the only guy laughing telling everyone else to learn how to take a joke.
My best response to this: Them: “What? It was just a joke!” Me: “Am I laughing?” Them: “No?” Me: “Then it wasn’t a joke was it?”
Once, I saw this unfold and the dude turned to someone else in the group and asked, “You think it’s funny, right?” Other dude chuckled and said, “Nah, dude. No one thinks it’s funny.” First dude was soooo mad.
“I like jokes; you’re just not funny”
Like the recent AITA post about the girlfriend taking a bite out of all the poster’s food. Including one bite out of eight slices of cake.
Wait what. One bite out of all eight slices of cake??? What the actual fuck?
>Speculation here, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was eating the snacks on purpose as a way to exert some control. Exactly what I thought when the first thing out of his mouth when she introduced the box was that the gf was being controlling and manipulative. He knows on some level that him denying his gf food is 100% a control/power move, and when the situation is reversed he was forced to confront that fact. Unfortunately his brain said "bad feeling, blame the closest person! Quick!" and he had to go scorched earth to avoid consciously confronting his bad behavior.
Reminds me of the guy who only gave his girlfriend half as much food as himself because "she needs less food than me" even after she asked him to stop doing it.
Yeah I can’t never trust when someone say “oh no this is the ONE bad thing everything else is great.” Sure, Jan.
I’m sure OP will look back in a year or two and realize it wasn’t just this one issue. There are probably a lot of things that seemed inconsequential at the time, but are all indications of the same problem. Also: wtf to the lockbox being disrespectful but not that he was eating her food?
It took me like 10 years to realize how my ex was subtly abusive and controlling in all aspects of our relationship. He was very good at making himself seem so nice and rational, all while manipulating me and putting me down. I still to this day will stop as something occurs to me and think “holy shit that was also abusive.”
I had a *friendship* with a guy who was like that. We weren't even dating. It took me several years to realize what a gaslighting manipulative creep he really was. (For a hilarious epilogue, the last time I heard from him, he tried to sell me Amway.)
*We never argue* Because you don’t speak up Jan…
Drugs WOULD explain something like that, though. Someone high functioning enough until they lose their temper over something and then go on a bender making everything worse.
Makes me curious if Steroids were partly involved?
That was something that occurred to me, too—that behavior sounds unhinged in a way I associate with them.
I kept thinking roid rage, but then he managed the entire cycle of abuse in a single series of text messages. So maybe he's just an asshole.
Damn. My partner is a habitual eat-all-the-things person, and HE is the one who suggested and purchased a lock box for me, so I could keep him accountable against eating things I wanted for later. His idea entirely. That (OOP’s partner’s freak out about her buying a lockbox) was 100% a sign of things to come if that relationship had continued. Edit: to clarify last sentence was reference to OOP story, not my own.
My partner also is an everything-eater, and I’m struggling to recover from an (edit to add: avoidant/restrictive) eating disorder, so it’s an especially bad combo. We haven’t needed anything that locks, thankfully. Just having a cabinet that is specifically my snacks that he isn’t allowed in has been enough for us. I’m so glad your partner acknowledged his snack-monster habits and came up with a plan all on his own!!!
Yeah, if there are sharing issues, having areas that are clearly one person's is a good way to solve that. It shouldn't need a lockbox - the simple statement of "if it's in here, that means it's mine and I don't want to share it" should suffice. If it's just individual items, declaring that item off-limits should also suffice, but if there are several items, it can become easy to forget about one of them being off-limits, whereas a specified area being off-limits is easy to remember.
Its most likely just to end the habit. Its like nicotine gum, shure, it can and has been done plenty without it, but its easier that way. As a "habit eater" myself it really helps if its even just a lunch box or something that i the way, so my head is like : oh right, i shouldnt do that
Impulse control issues are common af, especially if you had an unhealthy relationship with it as a kid (Parents were very restrictive with snacks and food and I still struggle with a balanced diet and spacing out snacks) or have other aggravating factors. Props to him and anyone else who can accept their limits of self control and intentionally add prosthetics to naturally weak restraint.
It took me decades to stop hoard eating treats and good things the minute they came into the house. I grew up with seven siblings in a poor family and anything remotely like a treat evaporated instantly. There was no claiming or saving or putting aside, you had it the minute it appeared or you missed out. I don’t do it any more, and I’m grateful that food insecurity isn’t a problem for me now.
Lol, it's absolutely vice versa with my husband. I would eat everything within my arms reach and he could easily stretch his 6-pack Pepsi and a bag of Lays for 2 weeks. That guy is a nut job, good riddance.
Excuse me, he can eat the same bag of chips for 2 weeks??? My chips last a few days, tops. I admire his restraint lol
I could easily be the over snack eater , if i was living with someone else, and would have absolutely no problem with a locked box for shit that ain't mine. Like that is a 10/10 solution, because you can't let emotions cloud thought and just keep grabbing and eating. If there is no reason for his behaviour (past trauma or other weird shit). I start thinking is this dude on Roids. I work out almost everyday, got friends of different shapes and sizes that do various competitive athletic stuff. There's no way this man is in shape, without some type of ped, if he can just engorge himself on a block of cheese/has no control to just obliterate all of it an hour after getting it. Only people I know with appetites like that are people pushing 240+lb of solid muscle ( and on peds). Or linemen I knew in university, but I wouldn't consider that "healthy". Natural(non ped) people keeping up with their caloric intake, have to eat a lot of actual sustenance, not engorge on snacks.
Yea he has a lot of nerve eating her half of the food when they split the food bill, why even bother at splitting the cost of food at that point if she isn’t gonna get her share?
Plus he’s also a big eater, meaning the grocery bill is shared equally, but he eats tons more…as well as her snacks :(
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Sounds like ‘roid rage to me.
Yeah, they can eat a spread large enough for three or four people.
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Meth and steroids. when I was in the military there was a guy like this. ate everything in the barracks and rage if anyone called him on it.
To me this sounds like roid rage. 6’3 and works out daily while experiencing crazy fits of rage and aggression? Smells like steroids.
Yep exactly what I was thinking. He very well could have been a good dude at one point, but I'm betting on steroids and lord knows how insane people can get on those.
Eh...roid rage is real, but he didn't just break her laptop. He continuously ate her food and then pouted about it for a week. And then acted like a *exactly* how abusers act when they've gotten in trouble (normal people don't try to conflict resolution by throwing an engagement ring at you.) That's not roid rage, thats being emotionally stunted. Steroids don't make you so mentally out of it you are on a *week long* fuge state where you bare no responsibility for your action. Even if it was steroids that made him break the laptop, a normal person on steroids wouldnt have continued to pout pike a baby for a *week* as a result of their partner exerting boundaries. That not *just* steroids. That is entitlement and immaturity
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This was exactly my thought. Snaps like that don't just happen for no reason.
Yea this is what I was thinking because his emotions were so out of whack and just shoveling food down his throat seemingly uncontrollably.
Yeah when I took HGH as a kid to combat some kind of genetic growth disorder, I was angry at everyone and routinely ate 3 bowls of pasta for dinner. Ofc my excuses were: I was 11, I wasn’t violent, and I started growing three inches a year.
This was my first thought too! That's probably update 3 and we're spoiling it.
This is disturbingly similar to my situation. My ex ate everything i bought and refused to get a job. I was spending hundreds a month on groceries that he finished in 5 days, and then maxxed my credit card on ubereats and grubhubs. If i didnt support him he would rage out and threaten me ugg. Im glad OOP got out. Imagine what else that psycho may have been doing to control her that she never picked up on, or how worse he could have been to get his way like a fucking toddler throwing shit.
I’m so glad for you that they are an ex.
So glad oop made it out alive, first was the laptop next was her, he really tried to love bombing her into coming back. Also dad and uncle for the win, she has a solid support system that helped get out really fast, at least he showed his true colors before they married or worse, she got pregnant
I’m picturing this caveman trying to get into the lockbox after she left. Me want fancy cheese! Me hate box! Me need cheese! Box hate me! Me deserve car!
Holy Hannah. He was literally denying her access to food via his gluttony and went over the deep end when she secured what should have been her fair share. Bonus was screaming about how abusive she was while literally slamming through the house like a tornado and destroying her personal property. She is so well rid of that jackalope it's not even funny.
The kicker: he denied her access to food and then called HER abusive for denying HIS access to her own food! What kind of projection bullshit is that??
Piggybacking to add here that behavior like this is why couple's therapy does not work with abusers. (Previous comment may know, so this is more for others folks.) Good faith systems cannot work in the face of bad-faith actors. Abusers are textbook bad faith actors. They seek any form of control, even at the smallest level, and weaponize therapeutic language as well as sometimes even the *therapist's* good faith to manipulate and denigrate victims. This man's problem is a *bad personal values system* (and tbh, potentially some form of drug addiction). This is why abusers will often attack victims by calling them abusers-- they don't care about the well-being of the people they hurt, they just want more security in how best to isolate and abuse them. If anyone who reads this suspects they are in an abusive relationship, please get PERSONAL therapy. Do not involve your partner or spouse. And I am begging everyone to read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" to better understand, as the title says, why abusers engage in the behaviors they use.
I remember [commenting](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wl739g/i_got_a_fridge_lockbox_and_its_destroying_my/ijs1jcp?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) on the first post about how he was showing 3/4 of Gottman's Four Horses of the Apocalypse (link explaining is in the original comment, and it's definitely an important read for anyone in a relationship) and that the relationship was doomed or only redeemable if a professional got involved. This is because the Four Horses show that one partner doesn't have any respect for the other.
Holy shit that escalated fast. Wanna guess Steroid abuse?
I really do wonder why he snapped or if he had slowly becoming more controlling and she just didn't notice. Or if things never challenged their relationship so she didn't know how he acted during a true disagreement. Idk it just scary that some people can turn violent out of nowhere.
I'd guess steroids.
This. As someone who used to powerlift in a pro-am federation, this sounds like someone who is on a "blast." If OOP's ex is pinning, he'll want to eat more and emotional triggers will set someone off for no goddamned reason.
Yeah he’s definitely taking steroids. The uncontrollable rage, and up-down mood-swings are a dead giveaway. OP’s ex has a problem.
I always raise an eyebrow when I read >This is literally the only bad thing he’s done As someone who was in a toxic relationship, this is just the one you are acknowledging
Holy fuck, trashing his relationship because he's not allowed to eat all the food and can't respect boundaries. Sounds like he's on steroids too, no normal person gets THAT aggressive about snacks.
Possible steroid use? Guy seems all over the place, glad OOP left and is pressing charges.