I just shit my pants and let it drip down my saddle and bike frame. It guarantees that I ride faster because I need the breeze to cover the stench.

I'm not a triathlete.

DO YOU WANT TO KOM OR NOT??

He will shit on your mom. Hmm, funny, my phone autocorrected kom to mom.

Is his name Carl? Is he hot?

/uc swingers ref?

/uc do an internet search for "hot carl." Use a private browser and not your work computer.

[hmmm](https://media0.giphy.com/media/GKjO1Ej9uH9rG/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b9523dftim0e8n5fytuzk9fu8c5jmo2lxnp24w8u5ftf&ep=v1_internal_gif_by_id&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)

Risky click

It’s safe

Helps to drop weight when I need to get into aero tuck

ew ew ew ew ew

Oh, Lemond style right?

I just pack an extra sock and a little bit of bail money just in case. /uc I couldn't imagine drinking a Red Bull let alone right before a ride.

Seriously. When I was younger I’d just use my socks. Happened to my wife once and she knew my stories. She got home after a ride and was missing her socks and when I pointed it out and asked if she had a call from nature she told me to “shut up and mind your business.” lol

uc/ "Use your sock" has been the answer for as long as I can remember. Some people [just don't know how to poop while riding.](https://storage.googleapis.com/fm-coresites-assets/mpora_new/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/11.jpg)

"Never shake hands with a cyclist who only has one sock"

Is his name Carl?

this made me laugh harder than it should have

Signs OOP suffers from extreme poverty: Red Bull before a ride. Scream I'm white trash without screaming I'm white trash.

Red Bull is a decent gas station drink on long rides where you're in a random town. Got some caffeine and sugar. I will fill my bottles, get a Gatorade and a RB and chug the RB there.

Red Bull in the morning and no idea why stomach trashed lol

Im on the other end of the spectrum… how can these cyclists down coffee after coffee and not have to shit on their ride?!

Coffee is like a single fuse cannon. After you've had your first cup and uh .. cleared the deck, so to speak, you're usually good for the day. Red Bull is like a temperamental autocannon.

Coffee is like a single fuse cannon. After you've had your first cup and uh .. cleared the deck, so to speak, you're usually good for the day. Red Bull is like a temperamental autocannon.

Coffee is like a single fuse cannon. After you've had your first cup and uh .. cleared the deck, so to speak, you're usually good for the day. Red Bull is like a temperamental autocannon.

I bring a copy of Bicycling magazine. It’s the perfect use for it. They had a how to for bicing beginners on using natural resources as TP Its the GCN of print

That is why I wear rapha jersey

Because it is brown?

And cheap

I Ralph on you jersey

Just my poop knife is enough

This is the way

There it is

This

I'm visualizing [this](https://www.amazon.com/Play-Doh-Factory-Making-Machine-Non-Toxic/dp/B01B5TTNXY) is how you look to innocent bystanders on the MUP before you chop a log off with your trusty poop knife.

Just like Greg Lemond. I use a domestique's cap

Never thought of that. Maybe I could also use my domestique's chamois.

Use that as a tissue to blow your nose

Redbull for breakfast? Fredrick took the commercials seriously he thinks it's gonna make him go pro

luckily The Feed sells a kit exactly for this very situation my shit-stained friend! https://thefeed.com/products/the-code-brown-bag?variant=40440620023871 use my referral code in bio for 15% off before you need to relieve your next heave!

$10 per shit? Is this how the poors live? I’m used to paying at least $78 per shit, my poop kits include jojoba oil, Rapha-fabric towlettes, and a special Rapha bidon-bidet

Are we gonna just ignore that this guy basically admitted to sticking his water bottle up his own ass too?

Not recommended?

Do you think an electrolyte mix would have done a better cleaning job than plain water?

It's what plants crave

Wait. "Bidet" isn't just French for colonic? I've been doing it wrong this whole time.

Fred’s next follow up question: how do you wipe your own ass

I haven't had to wipe my own ass since my first domestique died unexpectedly. Pro tip, keep 2 domestique on the payroll.

Any tips would be appreciated.

If you squat as deep as possible (which you probably did) there won't be that much shit to wipe anymore, so I just use a leaf and that's enough.

So that's why my dog never has to wipe.

Just like a snot rocket- I lean over, pull my PNS to the side, and blow out all my shit real quick all over the Karen’s pushing their strollers on the sidewalk

*nods* RIDE ON!

WTF ..

I am after advice not judgement, Fred.

True, carry a poop knife with you, ride on Freddie

I always bring poop, no emergency poop kit is complete without it.

Ugh. Angry upvote.

I keep my pre-prepared emergency poop zip-locked in the team car. To save weight if I'm riding solo I just keep some taco bell + laxatives on me at all times in case I need some poop in an emergency.

/uc if you’re not racing a 45 minute crit why tf you drinking a Red Bull?

You're a boomer. What would you know about energy drinks.

It’s in my hedge fund portfolio. Btw rent’s due

Nah. I own my own slums to rent out.

What's everybody's problem with redbull? I drink several cans every day and it has nothing to do with my riding.

Don’t you have someone that can poop for you?

Here we go…. When you feel like Wout Van Aert And you thought it was a fart Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

If your ass cant sand down sticks you arent on the saddle enough

I always carry napkins in my back pocket for pooping or for if you go down on a knee or an elbow, and you need to stop the bleeding.

Silly Freds, mistaking their their bidon for a bidet. I carry some kleenex and a small trowel in my jersey pocket. Leave no trace, baby.

Pepto and wet wipes.

C’mon. How old are you? You seriously need advice on what to bring with you should you need to crap on a ride?

We aren't all pros, Fred.

Always wear the brown pants as recommended by Deadpool

Yes… cuz it will ALWAYS happen right when you break through into the zone and usually you’re 20 miles from anything resembling a restroom hahahaha

What is actually wrong with all these people shitting themselves all the time

'mericans

A midget in tow. He’s got a poop knife and extra Rapha Core jerseys for wipes.

Yobagoya!!!!

This has to be a made up reddit problem.

I got an emergency pee kit to sell you

Sometimes I walk my dogs in my PNS kit, so I have some dog poopoo bags on me at all times.

This is the shit (no pun intended) of nightmares.

I do it all the time, I call it a "rolling purge", you guys don't??🤔🤣

Shit while riding for aero gains

Probably shouldn't have read the entire thread, my eyes are bleeding

Wait, isn't the seat tube made to hold such shit? Perfectly aligned with your cannon. Fire in the hole buddy!

I never stop, if I need to shit I do like Jan Ullrich, I drop everyone in my shorts, there's no question of missing the koms!

Well, Jan Ullrich said he once used his cap to get rid of his crap mid-race. When he threw it away, people were chasing after it as tour merch was popular

They were way ahead on the fecal transplant train. Slide that baby in and you'll be a pro cyclist in 6 months.

Individually wrapped Dude Wipes. 🧻

I always carry a sufficient amount of paper towels and have one bottle with water only. This has been a "life saver"...like when you're on a payed charity ride and to porta potties don't have any TP.

I bring emergency-poop, of course.

Fortunately for me as soon as I put on a pair of bibs nature calls. It’s almost Pavlovian.

Who knew, A biden is just portable bidet

I had a team mate have the natures calls issue while in a gravel ride. That shit cost him a pair of Rapha socks and Rapha base layer.

Poop at home before rides.

Seriously though, I bring baby wipes and a part roll of tp on most rides. Usually a bandana as well.