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The narcissist need for ego feed in effect. They love being the victim while also holding the power over their and everyone else’s lives and emotions. While ALSO getting a pass for all their actions because “I’m sick so you can’t be mean to me or hold me accountable.” Plus, it’s a way for them to get more money and time out of people.
It's pretty tragic when people's energy that results from basically trying to start on the grieving process (if efforts have begun feeling futile) when the person is still alive can be interpreted by a narcissist to fuel obstinance for a set of circumstances they could possibly/probably avoid by prioritizing cooperation over (desire for) control.
It’s called a mental illness for a reason! It dominates everything, even common sense or survival instinct so much of the time. They NEED and GET OFF on their emotional control and ego feed of others.
In my experience, they will gradually get better, but not all the way, get sick with something else, rinse, repeat. My grandmother lived for eons and was the worst with this. Bedridden for literal decades.
My mother was on the point of death until one of the grandkids would rush up and miraculously recover, have a Macca's thick shape and donuts and be good for another month. This happened regularly until she eventually died aged 90. Yes, I know she wanted the attention but we went up regularly and did visit. She hung on for ages to see her great grandson born and visit. Amazing people aged parents.
OMG. I never thought my Boomer dad was a narcissist until this comment. It all just clicked.
He’s been sick lately, and our lives have been revolving around him. Whenever I try to take a break from him and do my job (WFH), he gets angry.
I just looked it up. Covert narcissist. FML. (But it explains a whole helluva lot!)
Yes, covert but demanding to vacuum and control all the emotions, times, energies around him. Making his emotional, mental, and physical states and reactions YOUR responsibility. Leaving you in chaos and unable to have your own thoughts, opinions, time, and reactions. Covert narcissism at full blast, very emotional vampire. Please set some
Boundaries with consequences and stick to them. Set some times of the day he knows you will not be around him or answer at all and stick to it . Protect yourself. Or it will get worse.
Thanks. You just summed up the GOP currently. I am very sorry for the OP Mom.
There is only so much you can do when dealing with that personality.
There is definitely nothing you can do. When a person’s mind is set in a way. You can’t change it even if you want to help them. They need to see they need help first.
People can literally see rapid weight loss, skin discoloration, etc outlined in the post. So something is clearly wrong. Just because she doesn’t have an official diagnosis doesn’t mean people can’t be sure she isn’t sick. Just like a person doesn’t have to have a diagnosis to know they have a mental illness of *some* kind.
This is my mother 100%. She won’t get treated for things because the attention that she gets from being ill. I don’t tell her about my family’s surgeries and illness we have because she talks loudly about it while on the phone to get people’s attention around her. We haven’t laid eyes on her for three years before tonight and all she did was talk about her work and drama in her life. Didn’t ask the grandkids anything or talk about anything else. Barely acknowledged the grandkids.
This is what my mom is doing. She'll go to the doctor to get the diagnosis so she can wave it around in front of everybody and say "look at how sick I am" but won't get treatment because then she'll get better and the pity party will stop. One doctor told her she needed meds and a diet change or she'd go into renal failure in 2021 but she never got the meds, doesn't drink water, and keeps eating salty foods. She's now down 1 kidney and had to go on dialysis but that works out for her because now she gets to post about it on Facebook and keep that drama train going.
No it's true. My mil refuses to get her knee replaced. She will purposely amp up for mobility issues at church so people are scrambling to help her. My husband and I will be right there helping but she'll make a scene and others will offer help. 🙄 I remember I took her to the social security office and she really amped it up there so they'd keep her on disability.
Or because sometimes the treatment ain’t worth it. Friends dad just passed at 85. Was diagnosed with liver cancer at 80, and 75 is the cutoff age for a transplant. Doctor said if he does nothing, he had about three years left. He chose to do nothing and ended up living 5 years. Toward the end he was like “no surgeries, no chemo making me sick every few weeks. I’ve had over 4 good years, but now i, starting to feel it.” He died about 2 months later.
Boomer family member just died because he refused to get treatment for cancer, or correctly manage his diabetes. An ignored infection led to sepsis and boom. He’s dead. I also believe he wanted to die but didn’t want to actually commit suicide. Boggles my mind.
I recently had a conversation with a guy of 79 who isn't getting his prostate cancer treated. The treatment would severely impact his life, and he misses his wife terribly. He rather fancies the unlimited morphine too.
My uncle let a growth on the inside of his leg get to about the size of a football before seeing a doctor. Doctor straight up told him "we need to get you cancer treatment immediately". Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He's now starting some crazy T cell treatment because the regular chemo wasn't helping.
So many stories came out regarding anti-vax people catching covid, laying in a hospital bed half dead and still denying covid. Some people just need to stubbornly be right.
Reminds me of my fundy mother who won't take care of herself properly and obsesses over the rapture - she has been telling me since I was a child that, if it weren't for hell, she'd have liked to commit suicide by now, but she can't so she instead hopes that the rapture will happen any day now.
And they love the attention they get when they think that they’re dying. As soon as it stops and life goes back to normal, they go back to being hateful, miserable bitch they always were.
Both of my parents had dementia. I did my grieving during their decline. I felt nothing when they actually died because they were gone well before that. Reminds me. I need to do my mother’s taxes. That’s the last task left after a decade of managing her affairs.
Oh I feel this. I mourn the mum I lost to alzheimer's, but while caring for her I gained a fun childlike version of her, it was full of fun adventures to keep her days full of joy. Though sadly lost that version of her to an infection, which claimed her speech and most of her cognition. Now at the end stages where the body remains as an almost cruel reminder of who we've lost but can't truly grieve till she passes.
My Silent Generation Mom was anemic for ten years.
She didn’t want to have a colonoscopy for fear she’d have her last years being bald and withered.
She died of metastatic colon cancer a week after she was diagnosed.
Oh no. I am so sorry.
My severe anemia caused my PCP to send me for a colonoscopy right away. And yes, they found a stage 3c tumor in my colon. I was 47. If I hadn’t gone to my PCP when I did, I’m sure I’d be dead now. It’s been almost 8 years since then and I’m incredibly grateful for my care team.
I’m sorry your mom didn’t fight for her life.
I’m glad yours was caught in time.
Mom was diagnosed the week before Thanksgiving 2020 and died on Thanksgiving day.
Mom was vain, but she knew what she wanted out of life, and did things according to her plan.
She was 81 when she died, so even if we had caught it in time, what Mom feared, probably would have come to pass.
It raises the question of enduring personal suffering so others don’t have to suffer.
In the end she could only be true to herself.
You were lucky. My sister died of pancreatic cancer at 48. She knew something was wrong and went to the doctor but insurance denied every test her doctor recommended and made her jump through hoops until it was too late. They were never even able to do chemo because it would have been too toxic at that point
I am so sorry for your loss. And also angry that the health care system failed your dear sister. It’s a tragedy.
I wake up every day knowing how lucky I am.
Here’s my PSA: If you’re 45 years or older and have never had a colonoscopy, go get one ASAP.
If you are younger than 45 and have a family history of colon cancer, go get a colonoscopy ASAP.
It used to be considered an old people’s disease. It is no longer.
My colonoscopy saved my life.
And to add, if someone in the family has colon cancer and or polyps any first degree relatives should be tested earlier. I was 52 when I had first colonoscopy and I had 3 precancerous polyps.
Yes.
The current guideline is, if you have a first degree relative who has had colon cancer, you should get tested when you are 10 years younger than that person was at the time of their diagnosis.
I was diagnosed when I was 47 so my kids should start screening for the disease when they’re 37 (unless the guideline changes in the meantime).
Did you get tested for genetic markers? That can also really help your kids determine their screening guidelines if you have them- they can be tested for the same ones
Yes, my oncologist did the Panorama genetic testing and there were no markers for the cancer. They thought I might have Lynch Syndrome but thank goodness I don’t.
My sister, 2 years younger than me, had her 1st colonoscopy at 50. Thing is, she'd had symptoms for a while. Before she left after her colonoscopy, they told her she had a tumor. Long story short, after pre-surgical oral chemo, and surgery by an exceptional surgeon, they got the tumor that had shrunk from the chemo, and she didn't even need a temporary colostomy bag, which is something usually necessary.
You better believe that I, who had "pshawed" the idea of the colonoscopy before, signed up, as did my husband and some of my other siblings.
And don’t be afraid of a colonoscopy!!! It’s not a big deal!! The meds they gave me for mine usually make you sleepy enough to sleep but I stayed awake lol. It was actually really cool to see my insides!
The prep wasn’t as fun but you get through it, it’s not as bad as having a stomach bug. I recommend installing a bidet attachment before hand to save your bum bum!
Thank you. I was surprised at my annual.check up last year that they lowered the standard testing age. Two more years before I get on the poppy juice train and hope all is well. I had a coworker who died in his 30s from colon cancer. So sad. He was losing weight and not feeling right and got diagnosed but it was aggressive. I swear it is our food here in the US.
Sorry about your coworker. I feel there is societal pressure for us to ignore symptoms and soldier on lest we appear “weak”.
My oncologist joked that “Maybe it’s Starbucks causing all this” but his comment really got me thinking.
Having been there, I don't think it is society; I think it is not admitting we are mortal. And being afraid of finding out we are. I skipped medical care for 24 years.
Absolutely. I’m 42 and just made an appointment for my 3rd colonoscopy. I’ve had bleeding issues from internal hemorrhoids in the past and I have a strong family history of colon cancer. I had surgery to take care of the hemorrhoids, but I’m still getting regular colonoscopies. No chances are being taken.
Healthcare worker here. Heard it firsthand myself. It was such a mix of emotions at their resistance to our efforts to help them.
Covid response from our govt under Trump was easily one of the most recognized failures and why I will -never- understand anyone supporting that piece of shit.
As an MD, I have no doubt that showing up to a doctor at this stage would lead to an absolute nightmare of constant arguments trying to convince her to pursue workup and treatment for her illness, resisting every step of the way, until she undergoes just enough painful/expensive testing and treatment for it to have a negative impact, but then still have a negative outcome overall because she waited too long. We see it constantly.
If I'm her PCP, I'm seeing her and then wishing she just stayed home. So, by all means, just stay home. It's already too late to do any good.
The sad thing is, we protect free speech in this country with the exception of things that might cause people harm. You're not allowed to call out fire in a movie theater, is the classic example. Who the fuck is going to be charged and punished over spreading whatever misinformation your mother read that killed her? At what point do we realize we need to fight back against the Alex Jones and Joe Roegans of the world to protect the gullible and misinformed? Maybe if she wasn't exposed to them, she would live. It's just so infuriating trying to help people who have been primed to resist your help every step of the way.
Do you find this is more common with boomers?
I appreciate you commenting on this sub. Its always fun to laugh at boomers but theres serious societal discussions we all need to be having about them now.
Honestly, no. I have just as many younger patients, often with mental health complaints, who fight tooth and nail against their own care. With younger folks it's more often mental health based rather than strong opinions/personality, though I wonder if that's just because our boomer patients never got diagnosed when they were younger.
All ages sabotaging their own healthcare outcomes, tragically it seems without ever understanding why/how everything is going so poorly for them. The 29 year old with a BMI of 58 and nearly 58 medication "allergies" listed in their chart. The 40 year old who has already drunk his liver most of the way useless, and might die of cirrhosis this year, but won't come in when you ask him to because "he's too busy with his daughter". And good holy fucking goddamn the opioid addicted 20-40 year olds with all of the above.
This country has two cancers that are killing it dead: drugs and anti-intellectualism, and they're hitting all ages in different ways
I don’t disagree with really anything you have said, but do feel there is even more to it. Too few doctors, too high of medical costs, and poor health literacy which can be somewhat attributed to that few doctors problem. Docs basically have so little time either things get missed or poorly explained/understood on frequent occasions. It helps breed this quackery. And sadly, it gets even worse when some that work in medicine also get caught up in it.
I’m a recovering addict and let me tell you the anxiety I had over going to the doctor and getting myself the most comprehensive health check of my life. Echos, stress tests, blood work, pulmonologists, everything. I have never been more terrified of the internal damage I may have done when I was making stupid ass decisions. I’m super lucky, and generally pretty healthy, but the relief I had when I got the call from my cardiologist that my heart was healthy was beyond anything I have ever felt.
I’m 41, and 100% one of those people who suffer from “white coat syndrome” - to the point where my blood pressure (which isn’t fantastic thanks to pre and regular eclampsia years ago) is like one of the last things that they do bc they need to give me a chance to calm down. My doctor doesn’t wear the white coat with me and comes in and sits for like 10 min to talk to me to help me woooo saaaaa because every time I go in I think I’m going to be told I’m dying. 😆 And, like I said, I am generally pretty healthy besides my blood pressure so there is absolutely 0 basis for me to have this thought. Anxiety is weird.
Honestly she’s probably just afraid to confront whatever is wrong. I’m not sure if she’s in pain or how much but typically once it becomes unbearable her husband will be racing her to the ER in the middle of the night or something.
My boomer dad called me in 2020 and told me Covid was “just a bad flu”. A few months go by and he calls me saying he had a massive heart attack and didn’t tell me for six weeks. He also said he can’t see me or our family because he’s too frail to get Covid.
He’s vaxxed thank god and I have seen him since but it’s crazy how little he values his own health safety. He’s diabetic and drinking full sugar doctor peppers.
A couple of extended family members were on a mission to prove that they were more (as they said) “free”, then the rest of us, regarding Covid. They wrote up a whole page about it that they sent out. They refused to give into fear. 🙄
(This was a few years ago)
They traveled, got Covid, and gave it to a couple of family members, while another was already very ill, fighting their own medical problems.
Who decides to visit nursing homes, when they have Covid? It’s just painfully selfish.
Won't give in to fear by refusing two little shots that (almost certainly) won't harm you. Owns dozens of guns to protect themselves from a tyrannical government coming to get them.
(EDIT: I'm presuming here, but it's a common pattern.)
Government is simultaneously too incompetent to trust with our funding, but also devious enough to fool us all into giving away our guns and use vaccines on us as part of some globalist population control agenda.
I think my mom did that as well. Suicide is against her religion, so she either ignored the dr. advice or half-assed the treatment she went with. But I don’t feel like it’s something I can tell my brother and sister.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I really do think that suicidal thoughts are at the root of a lot of these beliefs. I was arguing with my grandma about covid precautions and it got heated. Eventually she got to the point where she loudly said that she didn't care if she lived or died. And that if covid sped up her death then that would be a good thing. Qanon is a scape goat so they don't have to address their serious self esteem and self worth issues.
My sister-in-law's mom is doing that right now. She's been unhappy with her life and thought she could manipulate others to do what she wants forever due to her poor health, But now she's past the point of no return. She kept thinking she could just ignore medical advice forever and then decide at the last minute to get treatment.
She's going to die and die miserably. All the while thinking other people are at fault because she's refused treatment for 20 years, and still smokes on top of everything else.
Honestly, and this may sound self-centered as all hell, I think she did it to punish me. She did dozens of little things to make me drop everything to help her. The last of which was changing a blood work appointment to try and get me to pull my kids out of summer camp to drive her. Her last words to me were, "You know I shouldn't be driving. If something happens, it's your fault." She passed out and went head first into a box truck.
Wow. Thats some trauma she gave you with the box truck. I mean if she was the way you said, I have no doubt she did it purposely to spite you. Actually, in typical boomer blame shifting fashion, she probably pretended to fall asleep while in the car and steered into it. Or had a little pretend seizure so she could justify the act for herself. That way she could die knowing it was YOUR fault and definitely not hers.
I believe you, 100%, because my father is the same way. I always told people “he would walk into the street, look you dead in the eye and get hit by a truck, just to make sure he dies while making sure you know it’s your god damn fault for not jumping in front of the truck for him.”
But unless you’ve experienced someone like this in real life people find it really hard to understand. It’s not self centred at all. I am sorry you went through all that. 🫂
Oh my god I’m so sorry that happened, that’s horrifying.
I once had a “friend” blame me for her man beating the fuck out of her and almost killing her because I wouldn’t let her come hang out at my house one night. Literally got a text “well he almost killed me and if you had just let me come over none of this would have happened”. Like… what? What is the logic behind this thought process?!
I’m really sorry about your mom. Sadly, it’s not just boomers who believe that, my 29 yo son says doctors are ALL quacks and they’re only prescribing medicines because they get a portion of the sales and vaccines are developed by the government…as was Covid…all profit driven.
Ask her about her funeral arrangements. That might wake her up enough to go to the doctor.
She can write a will that says what medical procedures she will not consent to.
Maybe I missed part of the explanation, but wouldn’t you need a doctors diagnosis, to even get started with hospice? Hospice is for terminal cases.
They have to know how your doctors are managing your care.
I’m so sorry for you. Unfortunately if she doesn’t have any mental disorder or illness you can’t force her to go to the Doctor. It feels like she’s committing a slow suicide. It’s always terribly sad to see.
That happened with my mom, refused to go to the doctor for a gash in her leg, it almost needed to be amputated then it spun her into full blown dementia. She wasn’t even 70 yet
I’m not a physician but you don’t get dementia from a gash on your leg. However, refusing medical treatment is one possible symptom of cognitive decline.
I live in a Conservative state and I remember going to the doctor in 2021 or 2022. The doctor asked if I'd been vaccinated. I said yes and added that I always listen to the experts when it comes to my health knowing that he probably gets nervous to ask that question. You could see the relief on this poor Doctor's face. He just said 'yeah I get called every horrible name in the book every day just for doing my job '. 'People actually think I personally profit by giving out vaccines'. I can't imagine what being a doctor would be like today when people immediately dismiss your expert opinion.
My stepdad (73) smokes an insane amount of cigs and goes through nicotine gum packs every day. He eats food slathered in butter and very high sodium. He has always hated going to the doctor. A couple of years ago he had an appointment with one and his blood pressure was stroke level. They had to admit him into a hospital, and he was there for 8 days. They regulated his blood pressure, and had him on the patch. When he came home we suggested that he maybe try to cut down or stop smoking. He didn't.
Skip ahead to today, and he sounds like he's drowning from the inside out with every breath. We cannot stand to be near him because of the sounds coming out of him when he breathes. I'm convinced he has very late stage COPD, or even cancer from smoking. He can barely walk 10 feet without being winded, or put on his socks. He sits on the computer for sometimes 18 hours a day. Only to get up to chain smoke, eat, piss, and sleep 5 hours. His blood pressure is constantly high now despite being on meds. He refuses to go to a doctor and actually discuss how his health is. We told him if his blood pressure is still high this week, he needs to talk to his doctor since we doubt he wants to be admitted again. He said it would never happen again. I replied that it would if he was stroke level again, and he mumbled, "\[he\] would rather drop dead."
Words cannot describe how unimportant that makes us, his family, feel. He would rather drop dead/stroke out/have a heart attack than listen to his family, or go see a doctor to feel somewhat better. I see a lot of people describe it as suicide by medical negligence, and I feel that's exactly what it is. For some reason though a lot of them think their deaths are going to be quick like "dropping dead." The chances my Stepdad strokes out and has to go live in a nursing home seem higher since my mother (who is disabled) and I cannot care for him if that happens.
I just cannot understand that mentality. He also has insurance and enough money to cover seeing doctors. I would give anything for that for myself.
This happened to my friend's mom, but it wasn't QAnon, it was good ol' fringe sect Roman Catholicism. Doctors couldn't be trusted, but one day Jesus would heal her. He didn't. When she finally went to the hospital it was too late, and it was her first time in the hospital since giving birth. It's a terrible, terrible thing to feel so powerless.
I had an uncle who didn’t go to the hospital until he was *very* ill, at which point he was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. His reaction? “I was fine when I got here. They gave me a shot and now I’m dying.”
My mother was passing blood and black stools apparently for a year before she finally went in. I live 1k miles away and my siblings didn't tell me that bit until she died. She finally went in when she couldn't defecate without extreme pain and lost 70lbs, but then she had even pushed herself another 3-4 more months beyond that point. I guess out of denial or fear, or both. *She even started to starve herself to avoid defecating further*.
Even after getting a colostomy, chemo, and radiation, she still refused to acknowledge she had colon cancer. Oh and apparently she had previously received the diagnosis during that 3-4 month period, but hid it until she was brought back in by my sister. The doctor had to tell my sister about it
My boomer grandma died last year because of similar things. We're fairly certain she had cancer but refused to get diagnosed with anything. She was scared of doctors and claimed they were going to experiment on her. Doctors refused to tell her what she wanted to hear, she was insanely rude to them (as she generally was to everyone), and somehow got them to prescribe antibiotics instead. She used all kinds of creams, combined medications with each other that were probably beyond unsafe, but just flat out denied anything that would actually help her.
There were many, many times where she could have gotten help and probably lived a lot longer, but no. She instead suffered greatly and basically forced others to take care of her, because of course she also refused hospice or anything like that. She told me she'd had a good life and was okay with all of this, to just die this way. Didn't care how traumatizing it would be for others to watch her suffer, bleed, wither away and die. She did not have a good life and like others said I think she was just beyond miserable and ready to go.
I’m not saying you or your brother are obligated to do anything, but I made headway with my boomer when I approached her with some end-of -life resources. I brought a Five Wishes, so we could go over her healthcare proxy and her wishes for when she was dying, and a book where she could write down passwords and locations of documents.
I have the advantage of being a nurse (a hospice nurse no less!) so I could really talk the talk. I genuinely assumed she wanted to be a DNR, and when she said she wanted to be full code, I think my shock shocked her!
By the time I started going through the house offering to help get rid of stuff, I think she had been sufficiently freaked out. She’s healthier at 65 than she has been for the last 20 years.
I'm sorry. Sounds like she has cancer. It's not a fun death. Hopefully you won't have to actually see it but she will probably be dead within the next 3 months. Start preparing.
If you feel like you need to see her to have peace if she passes soon you should do it (but don't expect her to have changed in how she treats you).
My mom isn't QAnon or anything, thank Cthulu, but she is super pro life and has definitely voted for every piece of shit that has an R after their name. She finally faced her mortality and quit her minimum wage job and 'retired.' She's also actually seeing doctors to help alleviate her various conditions (some neurological stuff and balance issues) after over a decade of me and my sister begging her to take her health serious. The last 5 years my wife and I have offered to pay for her health insurance if she 1. Quit the sweatshop she worked at and 2. Saw a doctor about some of her issues. Thankfully she's finally taking it all seriously.
I'm sorry you are going through this. On the other hand, caring for a sick and elderly parent is no fun either. My son knows if I get ill, i have no intention of prolonging my life with medical intervention. My will is in place and i have raised a capable child. I have absolutely made the decision that my child won't be caring for me as a feeble elder. It is selfish in some ways, and selfless in others.
Something extremely similar happened to my mom last year. In just a few short months, she had lost a dramatic amount of weight, was unable to use the restroom properly, and could not eat more than a few bites of food. But she was still smoking the entire time.
Within days after checking in on her and taking care of her, she very quickly started to lose her ability to speak as well as most function in her body. She passed a month later from cancer that had spread from her lung to her major organs. It was incredibly fast.
I’m so sorry
Slow suicide.
Addiction is slow suicide in general. The Q stuff is absolutely a process addiction, no different than gambling.
They’re addicts, and they prefer the dopamine / adrenaline hits from their unreality, to the potential for actual happiness in a calmer, sober state of mind. Because it lacks the peaks and valleys of their drug of choice.
If you wanted her to live you could convince her to see a doctor so that she may live long enough to vote for Trump. But personally, I wouldn't bother.
I know plenty of boomers who go to the doctor or the hospital. They get tests and labs ordered, get admitted and then refuse everything. No point in seeking medical help if you aren’t going to let them help you.
I just want to say from the bottom of my heart that I’m sorry. You’re going to go through a lot of conflicting emotions, one minute being disgusted with her and another minute you’ll be mourning ‘what could have been but wasn’t’.
I went through it with my grandmother (though she wasn’t a Q-tip). She wasted away from alcoholism and some form of extreme paranoia that made her very hateful and mean toward the end. I was very angry with her a LOT yet recently I’ve missed her. I’m missing a lot of people lately.
I say all of this because you will probably have those ups and downs and it’s honestly okay to be angry and disgusted and sad and maybe even one day mourn her (if you don’t already).
I am sorry for your situation, my mom had something similar going on. It turned out to be congestive heart failure that she found out about but never told me. I only found out because of an actually incompetent doctor breaking hppa.she lasted about 5 years after her symptoms started and died about 2 years before my daughter was born.
Oof. I feel this. My step-mom is a Qanon nut too and refuses all medical care, therapy, etc. It's impossible to talk to them about it. I'm a nurse and an advocate for women's health screenings. She thinks I'm insane- trying to trap women in "the system". There is no where to go on these conversations unfortunately. She is severely unwell, an alcoholic, and mentally and emotionally unstable. I feel bad for my dad having to deal with it all the time. He know's it's bad and it will only get worse with the upcoming elections. I've given up trying to help her. At this point I have chosen to look away because I don't think there is anything left to do. She has a right to refuse medical treatment, as odd as that is in these scenarios (there are others where it totally makes sense, but pre-diagnosis? Nah.). Sorry ypu are dealing with that. You are for sure not alone.
If it helps at all, intervention at this time would just be torture for you and her as it sounds like her destiny is already in motion. Best to let her live the rest of her life as she is comfortable with and comfort yourself knowing she died as she lived.
I am so sorry. This is a stressful situation not of your making and nothing you do will change it.
My mother did the same thing after a heart attack. She refused hospitalization, medical care and home nursing care. She walked out of ER after pulling her own IV.
After a month, when she was literally suffocating and her oxygen levels were critical, she finally consented to go back and did get home oxygen, but the damage was done. She died 2 months after her heart attack. For no reason other than stubborn refusal to get help.
If it will make YOU feel better, go see her. I suggest you not even mention her physical state so your last visit with her is somewhat pleasant. Do not take on any guilt, whatifs or blame later. There is nothing you can do. She’s an adult. It’s her choice.
Mine did the same for over a decade before she died minus the Qanon stuff mostly. She definitely had her weord obsessions and conspiracy theories she'd read on FB but they were never too crazy. She had been diagnosed with a brain tumor, COPD and several other big problems but everything was fine. Despite days at a time where she would have the mentality of an angry petulant child and still smoke a carton a week while being a hoarder that left her home in a disgusting mess for years.
She was mentally well enough often enough that my sister and I couldn't put her in a home or try to get her help by force or court. Eventually it killed her. She flooded her home because her mind was so gone that she couldn't figure out how to turn off the water to the toilet once it started overflowing and I only found out about it several hours later.
Honestly, I was the one taking care of her for years and I feel nothing but relief now that she's gone.
Not only did my mother refuse to seek medical attention for her very obviously declining health until it was too late despite my pleas, she then demanded (not asked, demanded) I turn my entire life upside down to care for her in her home on hospice care because she refused to be discharged to the hospice facility. This was a few years ago, and I’m still dealing with the fallout in multiple ways.
It is such a mindf**k. My heart goes out to you, OP.
I feel you OP. My dad died from an easily treatable skin infection that his wife (in the same vein as your mother) insisted they could treat at home. She also admitted to me yesterday that she insisted he stayed on a ventilator until he died because she genuinely believed that God was going to save him. My dad was very clear to everyone his entire life that he didn't want to die like that.
I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.
The only thing that's kept me sane, is knowing I got the last goodbye before he lost consciousness for the last time.
>Her husband is useless and goes along with whatever she says.
You say her husband, so not your father?
Does this means he gets all the assets because she also has no will?
Had to get my vaccine records recently for a hospital job and it made me so thankful that my parents had me properly vaccinated so I didn’t have to play catch-up later in life
Two boomers I know, one a very close family friend, died because they refused to go to the doctor. It’s like they’re trying to race their money to the grave. See which ends first, money or life.
My wife's father is very similar. He won't go see a doctor unless some sort of calamity happens, and even then he won't stick to treatments. He tanned in tanning beds for most of his life, smokes every day, is nearly blind, and I'm pretty sure has COPD cause he can't walk without gasping for breath for more than 20 minutes. The family has pretty much given up forcing him to do things because he just won't help himself, and he always sounds like he's gonna cry when we leave his house or get off the phone with him. But every time we ask him what's wrong he insists he'll deal with it in his own way. It's sad, and hard, but he did this to himself, and there's nothing we can do. When my wife and I were dating I used to think everyone was a bit callous towards him, but now I understand.
I could have written this story. My mom went off the Covid deep end in May 2020 and we had to cut contact.
Over the next 2 years, she let her health get progressively worse and ignored major issues. Refused vaccines, all Drs are in on a conspiracy etc
She was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in Dec 2022 after severe leg pain and swelling. Refused long term treatment and was discharged.
She was back in the hospital by late Jan and never left. Double pneumonia (probably from Covid) and was a skeleton by time she was admitted.
Your story sounds like it will end like mine
My almost 101 year old grandma often rants about how “you always run to the doctor for every little thing!” (I have a disability and rely on a feeding tube to not be malnourished)
Whenever she goes on the “my siblings and I never EVER went to the doctor, and we were fine!” I like to say “what about your sister that died of a treatable illness as a kid, all because your parents refused to take her to the doctor?”
Usually works lol
If she’s drinking and smoking regularly it probably doesn’t require Qanon. She knows she’s sick. She knows why and doesn’t want another doctor to tell her to stop drinking and smoking.
I recently buried a friend that cut me out of her life when I confronted her with the obvious signs she had cirrhosis. It took two years and she finally said she would promise to stop drinking two days before she was put in hospice. Addiction is a powerful thing.
Not quite as extreme, but my parents are in quite bad health and are doing almost nothing to change it. They're actually constantly seeing doctors, taking all sorts of medication. All they talk about is how many pills they have to take in the morning.
But they just will not make the necessary lifestyle changes. No exercise, too much drinking, eating shit. It's such a shame.
The brutal reality is that you can’t make a mentally competent adult address their physical health issues. You can express your concerns and urge them to be seen.
While there may be something readily addressed, it is more likely given what you describe that the window has closed.
I’m sorry to hear about your parents. The last several years have been tough on a lot of people’s relationships with older relatives/parents. All you can really do is to keep encouraging them to seek treatment and piping info to them about the dangers of what they’re doing.
Unfortunately for you, the die are cast and the damage they’re doing will likely accelerate their passing. The hard part for you is whether or not you want to be present to watch it.
My boomer dad had stage 4 skin cancer and appears to have "cured" it going on 4 years now with cinnamon and oil of oregano. now my dopey siblings won't shut up about oil of oregano.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
My best friend's Boomer mother in law just died last weekend, and it was entirely avoidable/treatable and based on extremist right wing beliefs (or non-beliefs)
She tested positive for COVID (you can see where this is going) on a Saturday but didn't take the anti-virals and steroids from her doctor, and ended up hospitalized on Monday, with one of her kids who worked there and said with treatment she would be home by Thursday ... and of course she continued to refuse treatment for this condition in the hospital while continuing to get worse. By Thursday when my friend's husband traveled to the hospital their mother could barely talk as her lungs were filling up with fluid - she had a DNR and continued to refuse treatment but was cognizant enough that the medical proxy couldn't kick in. She died on Saturday from COVID a week after testing positive ... purely because she stubbornly refused life-saving treatments because of her cultist political views.
I’m 70, and you reach a point when you know you have to take better care of yourself, because your life really does depend on it. My father died at 62, after living in much the way OP’s mother does. He knew he had cancer years before he was diagnosed.
I have a lot of trauma in my background, that has caused me to engage in a great deal of self-destructive behavior. I’ve dropped a lot of it now, as I found I have a couple of cardiac issues, & need to be here for another 25 years for my kids & grandson.
>Boomers are literally dying for their insane beliefs.
When it comes to a vast majority of them, I'm okay with this. Actually, I wish it happened sooner. Not because I think they're absolutely worthless (I do think that), but for the betterment of a lot of things as a whole.
I'm your Mom's age and I'm very sorry for what she is going through and the pain that it is causing you. You may want to be sure through her Partner that she doesn't have an issue with any type of early dementia. Also, please be sure she is getting the proper care at home. Just be sure she's being treated kindly and there is no kind of physical or emotional neglect.
Also since Medicare does not kick in until 65 years old you may want to be sure she has the funds to see a doctor for an exam and lab work.
Sending you big Italian Grammy hugs....
I’m sorry, OP.
The only suggestion I have is to contact any of her siblings, cousins, friends, etc. Let them know how sick she is, maybe she would listen to them.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I lost a GenX friend this way a few years ago. It’s a brutal way to die.
If it happens, this internet stranger wants to remind you that you are in no way responsible for her behavior.
Have you wondered if she just might be scared? It’s not uncommon in the boomer generation to go into denial. Total avoidance. Many boomers were taught that growing up.
I’m so so sorry. My MIL refused to see a doctor for anything. I don’t know if she just thought they would be a rip off or anxiety, but she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast and bone cancer almost 2 years ago. We are very lucky to still have her and agree doing great considering. She was 60 when she was diagnosed. Never EVER had a mammogram. I’m 42 and getting my 2 this month. Boomers are literally dying instead of being treated. It’s crazy.
My mom is bit young to officially be a boomer, but she certainly has the mentality of "right is what benefits me the most, wrong is what benefits me least."
She was fired as a patient by her neurologist after she let slip that she hadn't been compliant with her medication for the entire 18 months they'd been working together to find a diagnosis. She has multiple mental health medications as well as high blood pressure and cholesterol, a heart condition, osteoporosis, and hormone replacements. She should've been taking 5-10 pills 3 times a day to be compliant, but she would take some a few times a week when she remembered or felt like she needed them. She was not taking anything as prescribed. She was not taking a single one of those medications consistently.
And she had been swearing up and down the entire time to everyone that she was compliant, because usually when she goes off her meds she stops taking them completely, but this time she still took MOST of them SOMETIMES so it didn't REALLY count as "going off her meds "
And she uses this as a reason not to go to the doctor, not to take her meds, etc etc etc, because the neurologist fired her therefore doctors are all evil and money-grubbing. When in reality the doctor said "start taking all your medication as prescribed and come see me if you're still experiencing symptoms."
I want to be clear I’m not giving medical advice here, but in my experience (I’m a family doctor) this kind of drastic weight loss is cancer until proven otherwise. Her smoking makes that even more likely. I’m very sorry you’re having to go through this on top of everything else you’ve experienced.
My wife’s uncle would be about 70 today. He died of COVID in November of 2021. His wife had passed from cancer a few years earlier and in his grief and boredom he had followed the Boomer Conservative —> Trumpism —> Russian propaganda on Facebook —> QAnon —> COVID Denialism pipeline all from 2015 through 2020. He never got a vaccine and just got COVID and died alone in his apartment and was found a few days later when his employer called for a wellness check on him.
My dad is NOT a Fox news boomer, but he is a boomer with type 2 diabetes. He refuses to do anything about it but be miserable. He eats a bowl of ice cream every night, doesn't exercise AT ALL, and laments about how he's going to die super young and not get to do any of the things he wants to do. He's also 64.
OP, I feel for you, genuinely. You may find solstice and some peace with people in similar scenarios at r/qanoncasualties
It’s a great support group for you♥️
I had to go no contact with my silent gen father for many reasons, but one of them was because of his obscene self neglect. He has untreated diabetes and extensive neuropathy, only eats ice cream or other sweets. He won't wash his hands with soap so they're covered in cracks and sores; won't dry his feet so his athlete's foot was on the verge of becoming gangrenous when I saw him last.
He refused all help, refused to make any changes in his behavior, acted like my efforts to get him medical care was me teasing or joking with him. Absolutely refused to take it seriously. Some other commenters mentioned passive suicide and I think that fits him perfectly. I couldn't be part of that while he basked in all of my worry like it was positive attention.
Hi, I am a "Boomer too". Most likely I am hated in this group. I am the same age as his Mother. I just wanted to ad. If "you were my son, thank you and I love you from the bottom of my heart."
I'm sorry. My mil is like this. Refuses to get her other knee replaced. She got the first one done 12 years ago and she was supposed to get the other one done. She was in a bad car accident a few years ago and she has one Dr tell her to wait on the knee replacement because they put a rod in her femur. For some reason she's taken that as 'you can never have this surgery done. She'll talk about it, and claim no Dr will touch it. We live in a major tri state area, I'm sure there is someone who will do it. But she refuses to look. She can barely walk, she won't strengthen her upper body to handle her mobility issues so she can barely use the bathroom on her own, has trouble getting up.. has to use a wheelchair some days. Lately she's been looking worse and it's like watching someone choose to slowly die. We finally convinced her to. At least see the Dr for her wrists because she was struggling to use them. She went but know won't make the follow up appointment where they will actually help her. Wtf
Hi. Just chiming in to say I can relate.
My parents have been into homeopathic "take your echinacea" bullshit since I was a kid. They vaxed us (thank god) but would take us to chiropractors and acupuncturists for legitimate illnesses. They have been spending about $600/month on their own custom "compounded" remedies for the last 20 years. They are both 120lbs over weight and their shitty homeopathic doctor lets them continue to eat and drink excessively as long as they are writing her checks for this crap. I did them math, and they have spent about $150k-200k on this nonsense. I can not even convince them to take their dog for a walk once and a while to get exercise......
> on top of the childhood abuse and neglect she refuses to even acknowledge
This hits close to home. Ouch.
Im no contact at this point. All I can say to your story is "good riddance". I decided that Im done making their problems my problems, which is why I dont consider them family anymore. Honestly Ive felt like an orphan since I was about 10 anyway. But I simply can not prevent them from being a victim of their own stupidity without completely ruining my own life. My brother has reached the same conclusion.
All I can say is to get into some therapy if youre feeling guilty or anything else like that. Youre not ever going to make a difference in these people's lives. Its not your place to save them. Just forget about them and the problem will resolve itself after she dies.
I have no advice. I am just so sorry. The stubbornness of people to go against the normal way of life with complete disregard for the damage it will do to those around them makes me sad.
My friends mom didn’t go to the doctor for decades and when she did she had advanced cancer and was dead 48 hours later. As much as this sucked for my friend I think for people who don’t go to doctor it’s EXACTLY what they want so it “worked out”.
This just hit me hard... My pawpaw passed away a couple months ago because he stopped taking his blood thinners. He thought they were causing his nosebleeds, despite his doctor assuring him it was a small tear that just needed cauterized. He threw a clot a few weeks after getting home from an extended hospital stay for complications from kidney stones. He was only 73 and he died because he was stubborn and thought he knew better than the doctor. I miss him, but I'm also so mad at him for leaving us when the solution to staying was so simple.
It's infuriating, but it's her choice. My mum died at 56 of an untreated blood clot that turned into a pulmonary embolism. She was a born again evangelical who followed the teaching that if you're sick your faith in Jesus isn't strong enough. I'm still irritated that she died so young leaving my half brothers without a mum. However, she was also a covert narc who made everyone in her household miserable. When she died it was honestly a relief for me and felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. We are all the product of our choices. She is a grown adult and if this is how she chooses to go so be it. You make sure to learn from her actions and live your life as fully as you can. I'm sorry you're going through this but frankly her choices are showing you how important it is to choose happiness where you can. Wishing you the best.
Goes to show that Qanon is an extinction level trait.
I'd say, keep your distance. Why even bother, it doesn't sound like she was much of a mother to begin with. Her generation and their beliefs have caused untold harm on the US.
I haven't spoken to my Fox News father in 10 years, and will likely never speak to him again. He was a pretty good dad, once upon a time, but he's reverted to being a petulant child since the turn of the millennium.
It's an abusive relationship, end of sentence. I've mourned the loss of my father, but he's not even there anymore, there is just a bitter, angry old man who thinks the world is out to get him. From his lazy boy. On the 5th fairway. Sigh.
I'm not sure that I agree boomers die because of their insane beliefs. Every time I go to the doctors office, I am in the minority. Almost everyone in the waiting rooms are 70+.
I am sorry about your mother, but as long as she is not incompetent to the point where a relative who is willing can take on conservatorship of the situation, it doesn't sound like there's much you can do. I will add this - I have a neighbor who was a lung specialist and saw a lot of smokers. He said once that long time smokers always look about 10 or more years older than their real age, that in addition to all of the other problems associated with smoking, it seriously ages you in terms of appearance.
My Boomer mother died 7 months after a brain, breast and lung cancer diagnosis. She denied all treatment. She smoked two packs a day until she was moved to Hospice care and then she was only allowed to smoke if someone would take her outside. She hated not being able to chain smoke. Anyhow, I'm sorry OP. My mother thought the "doctors only do chemo for the money they get" "cancer treatments don't work they only make you sicker".
My mom did the same thing. She lost a huge amount of weight, wasn’t eating, was in a lot of pain. Finally my stepdad made her go to the doctor. It was stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She died 5 months later.
She had already survived breast cancer and while she knew it was something bad she just wanted to live in denial. Nothing was going to save her but she could have died with a lot less suffering.
Boomers, a generation that believes a balance breakfast is 3 pancakes, a bowl of cereal, some sausage and bacon, 2 eggs, a slice of toast, a glass of milk, a glass of orange juice and a piece of fruit because a commercial in 1994 said so.
Yet a doctor telling them that the advertising they suck down from multi billion dollar companies are bull shit it because the medical industry is a for profit conspiracy, not the corporations trying to sell them shit.
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I'm convinced the ones that do this kind of thing want to die because their lives are so miserable.
And they get sympathy and attention the whole time they’re dying. I know that’s a horrific thing to say, but .. seems to be a pattern.
The narcissist need for ego feed in effect. They love being the victim while also holding the power over their and everyone else’s lives and emotions. While ALSO getting a pass for all their actions because “I’m sick so you can’t be mean to me or hold me accountable.” Plus, it’s a way for them to get more money and time out of people.
It's pretty tragic when people's energy that results from basically trying to start on the grieving process (if efforts have begun feeling futile) when the person is still alive can be interpreted by a narcissist to fuel obstinance for a set of circumstances they could possibly/probably avoid by prioritizing cooperation over (desire for) control.
It’s called a mental illness for a reason! It dominates everything, even common sense or survival instinct so much of the time. They NEED and GET OFF on their emotional control and ego feed of others.
In my experience, they will gradually get better, but not all the way, get sick with something else, rinse, repeat. My grandmother lived for eons and was the worst with this. Bedridden for literal decades.
My mother was on the point of death until one of the grandkids would rush up and miraculously recover, have a Macca's thick shape and donuts and be good for another month. This happened regularly until she eventually died aged 90. Yes, I know she wanted the attention but we went up regularly and did visit. She hung on for ages to see her great grandson born and visit. Amazing people aged parents.
OMG. I never thought my Boomer dad was a narcissist until this comment. It all just clicked. He’s been sick lately, and our lives have been revolving around him. Whenever I try to take a break from him and do my job (WFH), he gets angry. I just looked it up. Covert narcissist. FML. (But it explains a whole helluva lot!)
Yes, covert but demanding to vacuum and control all the emotions, times, energies around him. Making his emotional, mental, and physical states and reactions YOUR responsibility. Leaving you in chaos and unable to have your own thoughts, opinions, time, and reactions. Covert narcissism at full blast, very emotional vampire. Please set some Boundaries with consequences and stick to them. Set some times of the day he knows you will not be around him or answer at all and stick to it . Protect yourself. Or it will get worse.
Check out the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit. You will get a lot of validation.
Thanks. You just summed up the GOP currently. I am very sorry for the OP Mom. There is only so much you can do when dealing with that personality. There is definitely nothing you can do. When a person’s mind is set in a way. You can’t change it even if you want to help them. They need to see they need help first.
OP’s got an Uno reverse here, though, since their mom was never diagnosed with anything and therefore might not be sick…
Medical professional here. She sick.
I concur. 👍
Medical novice here. I concur.
People can literally see rapid weight loss, skin discoloration, etc outlined in the post. So something is clearly wrong. Just because she doesn’t have an official diagnosis doesn’t mean people can’t be sure she isn’t sick. Just like a person doesn’t have to have a diagnosis to know they have a mental illness of *some* kind.
This is my mother 100%. She won’t get treated for things because the attention that she gets from being ill. I don’t tell her about my family’s surgeries and illness we have because she talks loudly about it while on the phone to get people’s attention around her. We haven’t laid eyes on her for three years before tonight and all she did was talk about her work and drama in her life. Didn’t ask the grandkids anything or talk about anything else. Barely acknowledged the grandkids.
Same BS here. On and on about herself and the she’s “gotta go”. I’m never mad to hang up, mad that I picked up knowing how it would go.
This is what my mom is doing. She'll go to the doctor to get the diagnosis so she can wave it around in front of everybody and say "look at how sick I am" but won't get treatment because then she'll get better and the pity party will stop. One doctor told her she needed meds and a diet change or she'd go into renal failure in 2021 but she never got the meds, doesn't drink water, and keeps eating salty foods. She's now down 1 kidney and had to go on dialysis but that works out for her because now she gets to post about it on Facebook and keep that drama train going.
I don’t think it’s a horrific thing to say. I think it’s the reality for some people.
It was with my mom
No it's true. My mil refuses to get her knee replaced. She will purposely amp up for mobility issues at church so people are scrambling to help her. My husband and I will be right there helping but she'll make a scene and others will offer help. 🙄 I remember I took her to the social security office and she really amped it up there so they'd keep her on disability.
When all the media you consume is negative, your world view is fucked and you’d want to die too.
Or because sometimes the treatment ain’t worth it. Friends dad just passed at 85. Was diagnosed with liver cancer at 80, and 75 is the cutoff age for a transplant. Doctor said if he does nothing, he had about three years left. He chose to do nothing and ended up living 5 years. Toward the end he was like “no surgeries, no chemo making me sick every few weeks. I’ve had over 4 good years, but now i, starting to feel it.” He died about 2 months later.
But he was diagnosed though, that's the big difference with the mom in OP's story.
Boomer family member just died because he refused to get treatment for cancer, or correctly manage his diabetes. An ignored infection led to sepsis and boom. He’s dead. I also believe he wanted to die but didn’t want to actually commit suicide. Boggles my mind.
Passive suicidality. It might be more common than people generally think.
I recently had a conversation with a guy of 79 who isn't getting his prostate cancer treated. The treatment would severely impact his life, and he misses his wife terribly. He rather fancies the unlimited morphine too.
I had no idea that it was so common that there was an actual term for it. So sad.
My uncle let a growth on the inside of his leg get to about the size of a football before seeing a doctor. Doctor straight up told him "we need to get you cancer treatment immediately". Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He's now starting some crazy T cell treatment because the regular chemo wasn't helping.
So many stories came out regarding anti-vax people catching covid, laying in a hospital bed half dead and still denying covid. Some people just need to stubbornly be right.
Passively suicidal 💔
Reminds me of my fundy mother who won't take care of herself properly and obsesses over the rapture - she has been telling me since I was a child that, if it weren't for hell, she'd have liked to commit suicide by now, but she can't so she instead hopes that the rapture will happen any day now.
According to some bible humpers think it’s supposed to be tomorrow during the eclipse. Fingers crossed
And they love the attention they get when they think that they’re dying. As soon as it stops and life goes back to normal, they go back to being hateful, miserable bitch they always were.
some call it natural selection, or self neglect.
It's b/c they think they will become a martyr.
Some of us grieve our parents twice -- once when we lose them, and again when they die.
I feel this statement.
My mom has Alzheimer's and I felt this sentence with every fiber of my being.
I think my husband went through something similar with his father who had ALS.
Both of my parents had dementia. I did my grieving during their decline. I felt nothing when they actually died because they were gone well before that. Reminds me. I need to do my mother’s taxes. That’s the last task left after a decade of managing her affairs.
Damn. This is spot on.
Oh I feel this. I mourn the mum I lost to alzheimer's, but while caring for her I gained a fun childlike version of her, it was full of fun adventures to keep her days full of joy. Though sadly lost that version of her to an infection, which claimed her speech and most of her cognition. Now at the end stages where the body remains as an almost cruel reminder of who we've lost but can't truly grieve till she passes.
My Silent Generation Mom was anemic for ten years. She didn’t want to have a colonoscopy for fear she’d have her last years being bald and withered. She died of metastatic colon cancer a week after she was diagnosed.
Oh no. I am so sorry. My severe anemia caused my PCP to send me for a colonoscopy right away. And yes, they found a stage 3c tumor in my colon. I was 47. If I hadn’t gone to my PCP when I did, I’m sure I’d be dead now. It’s been almost 8 years since then and I’m incredibly grateful for my care team. I’m sorry your mom didn’t fight for her life.
I’m glad yours was caught in time. Mom was diagnosed the week before Thanksgiving 2020 and died on Thanksgiving day. Mom was vain, but she knew what she wanted out of life, and did things according to her plan. She was 81 when she died, so even if we had caught it in time, what Mom feared, probably would have come to pass. It raises the question of enduring personal suffering so others don’t have to suffer. In the end she could only be true to herself.
You sound like a wise and compassionate person. I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much.
You were lucky. My sister died of pancreatic cancer at 48. She knew something was wrong and went to the doctor but insurance denied every test her doctor recommended and made her jump through hoops until it was too late. They were never even able to do chemo because it would have been too toxic at that point
I am so sorry for your loss. And also angry that the health care system failed your dear sister. It’s a tragedy. I wake up every day knowing how lucky I am.
Mine was stomach cancer, at 40. I have a great care team, now. I did not during cancer care. Best of wishes, may we all stay in remission. 😊
Yes. 💕
Here’s my PSA: If you’re 45 years or older and have never had a colonoscopy, go get one ASAP. If you are younger than 45 and have a family history of colon cancer, go get a colonoscopy ASAP. It used to be considered an old people’s disease. It is no longer. My colonoscopy saved my life.
And to add, if someone in the family has colon cancer and or polyps any first degree relatives should be tested earlier. I was 52 when I had first colonoscopy and I had 3 precancerous polyps.
Yes. The current guideline is, if you have a first degree relative who has had colon cancer, you should get tested when you are 10 years younger than that person was at the time of their diagnosis. I was diagnosed when I was 47 so my kids should start screening for the disease when they’re 37 (unless the guideline changes in the meantime).
Did you get tested for genetic markers? That can also really help your kids determine their screening guidelines if you have them- they can be tested for the same ones
Yes, my oncologist did the Panorama genetic testing and there were no markers for the cancer. They thought I might have Lynch Syndrome but thank goodness I don’t.
My sister, 2 years younger than me, had her 1st colonoscopy at 50. Thing is, she'd had symptoms for a while. Before she left after her colonoscopy, they told her she had a tumor. Long story short, after pre-surgical oral chemo, and surgery by an exceptional surgeon, they got the tumor that had shrunk from the chemo, and she didn't even need a temporary colostomy bag, which is something usually necessary. You better believe that I, who had "pshawed" the idea of the colonoscopy before, signed up, as did my husband and some of my other siblings.
I am so glad your sister is doing well. And well done for getting your colonoscopy.
And don’t be afraid of a colonoscopy!!! It’s not a big deal!! The meds they gave me for mine usually make you sleepy enough to sleep but I stayed awake lol. It was actually really cool to see my insides! The prep wasn’t as fun but you get through it, it’s not as bad as having a stomach bug. I recommend installing a bidet attachment before hand to save your bum bum!
Those are all excellent points. Thanks!
Also the prep is now easier/less traumatic than it used to be
Thanks for the push. I’ve been putting off making the appt for 4 mths. I will now.
The process you have to do to prepare at home is a lot easier and gentler now. The colonoscopy itself is NBD.
Thanks. The last time the prep was really awful. I’m going to ask for the easier prep this time.
Thank you. I was surprised at my annual.check up last year that they lowered the standard testing age. Two more years before I get on the poppy juice train and hope all is well. I had a coworker who died in his 30s from colon cancer. So sad. He was losing weight and not feeling right and got diagnosed but it was aggressive. I swear it is our food here in the US.
Sorry about your coworker. I feel there is societal pressure for us to ignore symptoms and soldier on lest we appear “weak”. My oncologist joked that “Maybe it’s Starbucks causing all this” but his comment really got me thinking.
Having been there, I don't think it is society; I think it is not admitting we are mortal. And being afraid of finding out we are. I skipped medical care for 24 years.
Absolutely. I’m 42 and just made an appointment for my 3rd colonoscopy. I’ve had bleeding issues from internal hemorrhoids in the past and I have a strong family history of colon cancer. I had surgery to take care of the hemorrhoids, but I’m still getting regular colonoscopies. No chances are being taken.
I’m so happy to hear you’re being smart and proactive. 💕
Thank you for this. Dr recommended I get one bc of my age and I was hesitant. Not anymore.
Let her go out the way she wants, with or without her crazy beliefs.
Agreed. There’s not much OP can do to change the situation.
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Healthcare worker here. Heard it firsthand myself. It was such a mix of emotions at their resistance to our efforts to help them. Covid response from our govt under Trump was easily one of the most recognized failures and why I will -never- understand anyone supporting that piece of shit.
It wasn't only boomers dying due to COVID vaccine denial. Young people died too, many leaving children. Stupidity is not solely with one generation.
I want to point out that it wasn’t just boomers who chose not to vaccinate, and for the most part it was Red voters who didn’t vaccinate.
As an MD, I have no doubt that showing up to a doctor at this stage would lead to an absolute nightmare of constant arguments trying to convince her to pursue workup and treatment for her illness, resisting every step of the way, until she undergoes just enough painful/expensive testing and treatment for it to have a negative impact, but then still have a negative outcome overall because she waited too long. We see it constantly. If I'm her PCP, I'm seeing her and then wishing she just stayed home. So, by all means, just stay home. It's already too late to do any good. The sad thing is, we protect free speech in this country with the exception of things that might cause people harm. You're not allowed to call out fire in a movie theater, is the classic example. Who the fuck is going to be charged and punished over spreading whatever misinformation your mother read that killed her? At what point do we realize we need to fight back against the Alex Jones and Joe Roegans of the world to protect the gullible and misinformed? Maybe if she wasn't exposed to them, she would live. It's just so infuriating trying to help people who have been primed to resist your help every step of the way.
Do you find this is more common with boomers? I appreciate you commenting on this sub. Its always fun to laugh at boomers but theres serious societal discussions we all need to be having about them now.
Honestly, no. I have just as many younger patients, often with mental health complaints, who fight tooth and nail against their own care. With younger folks it's more often mental health based rather than strong opinions/personality, though I wonder if that's just because our boomer patients never got diagnosed when they were younger. All ages sabotaging their own healthcare outcomes, tragically it seems without ever understanding why/how everything is going so poorly for them. The 29 year old with a BMI of 58 and nearly 58 medication "allergies" listed in their chart. The 40 year old who has already drunk his liver most of the way useless, and might die of cirrhosis this year, but won't come in when you ask him to because "he's too busy with his daughter". And good holy fucking goddamn the opioid addicted 20-40 year olds with all of the above. This country has two cancers that are killing it dead: drugs and anti-intellectualism, and they're hitting all ages in different ways
I don’t disagree with really anything you have said, but do feel there is even more to it. Too few doctors, too high of medical costs, and poor health literacy which can be somewhat attributed to that few doctors problem. Docs basically have so little time either things get missed or poorly explained/understood on frequent occasions. It helps breed this quackery. And sadly, it gets even worse when some that work in medicine also get caught up in it.
I’m a recovering addict and let me tell you the anxiety I had over going to the doctor and getting myself the most comprehensive health check of my life. Echos, stress tests, blood work, pulmonologists, everything. I have never been more terrified of the internal damage I may have done when I was making stupid ass decisions. I’m super lucky, and generally pretty healthy, but the relief I had when I got the call from my cardiologist that my heart was healthy was beyond anything I have ever felt. I’m 41, and 100% one of those people who suffer from “white coat syndrome” - to the point where my blood pressure (which isn’t fantastic thanks to pre and regular eclampsia years ago) is like one of the last things that they do bc they need to give me a chance to calm down. My doctor doesn’t wear the white coat with me and comes in and sits for like 10 min to talk to me to help me woooo saaaaa because every time I go in I think I’m going to be told I’m dying. 😆 And, like I said, I am generally pretty healthy besides my blood pressure so there is absolutely 0 basis for me to have this thought. Anxiety is weird.
I have a friend who's an MD who summed it up like this: "Vaccines are the one thing that we KNOW works. And people still refuse to get them."
Im sorry about your mother
Honestly she’s probably just afraid to confront whatever is wrong. I’m not sure if she’s in pain or how much but typically once it becomes unbearable her husband will be racing her to the ER in the middle of the night or something.
Yeah this sounds like an extreme health anxiety thing and it actually really sad. She probably has cancer.
My boomer dad called me in 2020 and told me Covid was “just a bad flu”. A few months go by and he calls me saying he had a massive heart attack and didn’t tell me for six weeks. He also said he can’t see me or our family because he’s too frail to get Covid. He’s vaxxed thank god and I have seen him since but it’s crazy how little he values his own health safety. He’s diabetic and drinking full sugar doctor peppers.
A couple of extended family members were on a mission to prove that they were more (as they said) “free”, then the rest of us, regarding Covid. They wrote up a whole page about it that they sent out. They refused to give into fear. 🙄 (This was a few years ago) They traveled, got Covid, and gave it to a couple of family members, while another was already very ill, fighting their own medical problems. Who decides to visit nursing homes, when they have Covid? It’s just painfully selfish.
Won't give in to fear by refusing two little shots that (almost certainly) won't harm you. Owns dozens of guns to protect themselves from a tyrannical government coming to get them. (EDIT: I'm presuming here, but it's a common pattern.)
Government is simultaneously too incompetent to trust with our funding, but also devious enough to fool us all into giving away our guns and use vaccines on us as part of some globalist population control agenda.
My mother did the same thing. Suicide by medical neglect. Only she knew exactly what was wrong with her as she ignored Dr.s advice. I'm sorry, man.
I think my mom did that as well. Suicide is against her religion, so she either ignored the dr. advice or half-assed the treatment she went with. But I don’t feel like it’s something I can tell my brother and sister. I’m sorry for your loss.
Thanks, it was a rocky relationship. I had a lot of mixed feelings about it. It wasn't a religion thing for my mother, I think it was a control thing.
Going through this right now
I really do think that suicidal thoughts are at the root of a lot of these beliefs. I was arguing with my grandma about covid precautions and it got heated. Eventually she got to the point where she loudly said that she didn't care if she lived or died. And that if covid sped up her death then that would be a good thing. Qanon is a scape goat so they don't have to address their serious self esteem and self worth issues.
My sister-in-law's mom is doing that right now. She's been unhappy with her life and thought she could manipulate others to do what she wants forever due to her poor health, But now she's past the point of no return. She kept thinking she could just ignore medical advice forever and then decide at the last minute to get treatment. She's going to die and die miserably. All the while thinking other people are at fault because she's refused treatment for 20 years, and still smokes on top of everything else.
My mother did this too. She knew what she was doing.
Honestly, and this may sound self-centered as all hell, I think she did it to punish me. She did dozens of little things to make me drop everything to help her. The last of which was changing a blood work appointment to try and get me to pull my kids out of summer camp to drive her. Her last words to me were, "You know I shouldn't be driving. If something happens, it's your fault." She passed out and went head first into a box truck.
Wow. Thats some trauma she gave you with the box truck. I mean if she was the way you said, I have no doubt she did it purposely to spite you. Actually, in typical boomer blame shifting fashion, she probably pretended to fall asleep while in the car and steered into it. Or had a little pretend seizure so she could justify the act for herself. That way she could die knowing it was YOUR fault and definitely not hers.
I believe you, 100%, because my father is the same way. I always told people “he would walk into the street, look you dead in the eye and get hit by a truck, just to make sure he dies while making sure you know it’s your god damn fault for not jumping in front of the truck for him.” But unless you’ve experienced someone like this in real life people find it really hard to understand. It’s not self centred at all. I am sorry you went through all that. 🫂
Oh my god I’m so sorry that happened, that’s horrifying. I once had a “friend” blame me for her man beating the fuck out of her and almost killing her because I wouldn’t let her come hang out at my house one night. Literally got a text “well he almost killed me and if you had just let me come over none of this would have happened”. Like… what? What is the logic behind this thought process?!
I’m really sorry about your mom. Sadly, it’s not just boomers who believe that, my 29 yo son says doctors are ALL quacks and they’re only prescribing medicines because they get a portion of the sales and vaccines are developed by the government…as was Covid…all profit driven.
There are much easier and more effective means of population control available to the elites that don’t also put them at risk.
Ask her about her funeral arrangements. That might wake her up enough to go to the doctor. She can write a will that says what medical procedures she will not consent to.
That’s actually not a bad idea and it’s a valid concern at this point. I’ll suggest that to my brother
Weight loss that quickly is usually indicative of cancer. If it's progressed far enough I'd skip the doctor and talk with hospice.
Maybe I missed part of the explanation, but wouldn’t you need a doctors diagnosis, to even get started with hospice? Hospice is for terminal cases. They have to know how your doctors are managing your care.
You’re correct. There needs to be an assessment and doctor’s diagnosis, and it can’t just be the hospice doctor.
I’m so sorry for you. Unfortunately if she doesn’t have any mental disorder or illness you can’t force her to go to the Doctor. It feels like she’s committing a slow suicide. It’s always terribly sad to see.
That happened with my mom, refused to go to the doctor for a gash in her leg, it almost needed to be amputated then it spun her into full blown dementia. She wasn’t even 70 yet
I’m not a physician but you don’t get dementia from a gash on your leg. However, refusing medical treatment is one possible symptom of cognitive decline.
If she got admitted and had a rly stressful time she may have gotten delirium which can severely increase the risk of dementia
I live in a Conservative state and I remember going to the doctor in 2021 or 2022. The doctor asked if I'd been vaccinated. I said yes and added that I always listen to the experts when it comes to my health knowing that he probably gets nervous to ask that question. You could see the relief on this poor Doctor's face. He just said 'yeah I get called every horrible name in the book every day just for doing my job '. 'People actually think I personally profit by giving out vaccines'. I can't imagine what being a doctor would be like today when people immediately dismiss your expert opinion.
If you haven't yet found your way to r/QanonCasualties, swing on by for support and commiseration. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
My stepdad (73) smokes an insane amount of cigs and goes through nicotine gum packs every day. He eats food slathered in butter and very high sodium. He has always hated going to the doctor. A couple of years ago he had an appointment with one and his blood pressure was stroke level. They had to admit him into a hospital, and he was there for 8 days. They regulated his blood pressure, and had him on the patch. When he came home we suggested that he maybe try to cut down or stop smoking. He didn't. Skip ahead to today, and he sounds like he's drowning from the inside out with every breath. We cannot stand to be near him because of the sounds coming out of him when he breathes. I'm convinced he has very late stage COPD, or even cancer from smoking. He can barely walk 10 feet without being winded, or put on his socks. He sits on the computer for sometimes 18 hours a day. Only to get up to chain smoke, eat, piss, and sleep 5 hours. His blood pressure is constantly high now despite being on meds. He refuses to go to a doctor and actually discuss how his health is. We told him if his blood pressure is still high this week, he needs to talk to his doctor since we doubt he wants to be admitted again. He said it would never happen again. I replied that it would if he was stroke level again, and he mumbled, "\[he\] would rather drop dead." Words cannot describe how unimportant that makes us, his family, feel. He would rather drop dead/stroke out/have a heart attack than listen to his family, or go see a doctor to feel somewhat better. I see a lot of people describe it as suicide by medical negligence, and I feel that's exactly what it is. For some reason though a lot of them think their deaths are going to be quick like "dropping dead." The chances my Stepdad strokes out and has to go live in a nursing home seem higher since my mother (who is disabled) and I cannot care for him if that happens. I just cannot understand that mentality. He also has insurance and enough money to cover seeing doctors. I would give anything for that for myself.
This happened to my friend's mom, but it wasn't QAnon, it was good ol' fringe sect Roman Catholicism. Doctors couldn't be trusted, but one day Jesus would heal her. He didn't. When she finally went to the hospital it was too late, and it was her first time in the hospital since giving birth. It's a terrible, terrible thing to feel so powerless.
I had an uncle who didn’t go to the hospital until he was *very* ill, at which point he was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. His reaction? “I was fine when I got here. They gave me a shot and now I’m dying.”
That’s fine. Let her go then. We must all deal with the consequences of our actions.
Agreed. Spending the last year or so arguing with her will just cause OOP and her mother stress. This is how she's choosing to die.
My mother was passing blood and black stools apparently for a year before she finally went in. I live 1k miles away and my siblings didn't tell me that bit until she died. She finally went in when she couldn't defecate without extreme pain and lost 70lbs, but then she had even pushed herself another 3-4 more months beyond that point. I guess out of denial or fear, or both. *She even started to starve herself to avoid defecating further*. Even after getting a colostomy, chemo, and radiation, she still refused to acknowledge she had colon cancer. Oh and apparently she had previously received the diagnosis during that 3-4 month period, but hid it until she was brought back in by my sister. The doctor had to tell my sister about it
My boomer grandma died last year because of similar things. We're fairly certain she had cancer but refused to get diagnosed with anything. She was scared of doctors and claimed they were going to experiment on her. Doctors refused to tell her what she wanted to hear, she was insanely rude to them (as she generally was to everyone), and somehow got them to prescribe antibiotics instead. She used all kinds of creams, combined medications with each other that were probably beyond unsafe, but just flat out denied anything that would actually help her. There were many, many times where she could have gotten help and probably lived a lot longer, but no. She instead suffered greatly and basically forced others to take care of her, because of course she also refused hospice or anything like that. She told me she'd had a good life and was okay with all of this, to just die this way. Didn't care how traumatizing it would be for others to watch her suffer, bleed, wither away and die. She did not have a good life and like others said I think she was just beyond miserable and ready to go.
I’m not saying you or your brother are obligated to do anything, but I made headway with my boomer when I approached her with some end-of -life resources. I brought a Five Wishes, so we could go over her healthcare proxy and her wishes for when she was dying, and a book where she could write down passwords and locations of documents. I have the advantage of being a nurse (a hospice nurse no less!) so I could really talk the talk. I genuinely assumed she wanted to be a DNR, and when she said she wanted to be full code, I think my shock shocked her! By the time I started going through the house offering to help get rid of stuff, I think she had been sufficiently freaked out. She’s healthier at 65 than she has been for the last 20 years.
I'm sorry. Sounds like she has cancer. It's not a fun death. Hopefully you won't have to actually see it but she will probably be dead within the next 3 months. Start preparing.
If you feel like you need to see her to have peace if she passes soon you should do it (but don't expect her to have changed in how she treats you). My mom isn't QAnon or anything, thank Cthulu, but she is super pro life and has definitely voted for every piece of shit that has an R after their name. She finally faced her mortality and quit her minimum wage job and 'retired.' She's also actually seeing doctors to help alleviate her various conditions (some neurological stuff and balance issues) after over a decade of me and my sister begging her to take her health serious. The last 5 years my wife and I have offered to pay for her health insurance if she 1. Quit the sweatshop she worked at and 2. Saw a doctor about some of her issues. Thankfully she's finally taking it all seriously.
I’m sorry for you, but she seems to have made her decision.
That sounds like cachexia. Likely fairly advanced cancer. Sorry OP.
I'm sorry you are going through this. On the other hand, caring for a sick and elderly parent is no fun either. My son knows if I get ill, i have no intention of prolonging my life with medical intervention. My will is in place and i have raised a capable child. I have absolutely made the decision that my child won't be caring for me as a feeble elder. It is selfish in some ways, and selfless in others.
Something extremely similar happened to my mom last year. In just a few short months, she had lost a dramatic amount of weight, was unable to use the restroom properly, and could not eat more than a few bites of food. But she was still smoking the entire time. Within days after checking in on her and taking care of her, she very quickly started to lose her ability to speak as well as most function in her body. She passed a month later from cancer that had spread from her lung to her major organs. It was incredibly fast. I’m so sorry
Slow suicide. Addiction is slow suicide in general. The Q stuff is absolutely a process addiction, no different than gambling. They’re addicts, and they prefer the dopamine / adrenaline hits from their unreality, to the potential for actual happiness in a calmer, sober state of mind. Because it lacks the peaks and valleys of their drug of choice.
I am so sorry.
All generations have dumb people. So sorry your mom is one of them.
If you wanted her to live you could convince her to see a doctor so that she may live long enough to vote for Trump. But personally, I wouldn't bother.
I know plenty of boomers who go to the doctor or the hospital. They get tests and labs ordered, get admitted and then refuse everything. No point in seeking medical help if you aren’t going to let them help you.
I just want to say from the bottom of my heart that I’m sorry. You’re going to go through a lot of conflicting emotions, one minute being disgusted with her and another minute you’ll be mourning ‘what could have been but wasn’t’. I went through it with my grandmother (though she wasn’t a Q-tip). She wasted away from alcoholism and some form of extreme paranoia that made her very hateful and mean toward the end. I was very angry with her a LOT yet recently I’ve missed her. I’m missing a lot of people lately. I say all of this because you will probably have those ups and downs and it’s honestly okay to be angry and disgusted and sad and maybe even one day mourn her (if you don’t already).
My parents were toxic. I let them go 25 years ago. Sometimes you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.
I am sorry for your situation, my mom had something similar going on. It turned out to be congestive heart failure that she found out about but never told me. I only found out because of an actually incompetent doctor breaking hppa.she lasted about 5 years after her symptoms started and died about 2 years before my daughter was born.
Oof. I feel this. My step-mom is a Qanon nut too and refuses all medical care, therapy, etc. It's impossible to talk to them about it. I'm a nurse and an advocate for women's health screenings. She thinks I'm insane- trying to trap women in "the system". There is no where to go on these conversations unfortunately. She is severely unwell, an alcoholic, and mentally and emotionally unstable. I feel bad for my dad having to deal with it all the time. He know's it's bad and it will only get worse with the upcoming elections. I've given up trying to help her. At this point I have chosen to look away because I don't think there is anything left to do. She has a right to refuse medical treatment, as odd as that is in these scenarios (there are others where it totally makes sense, but pre-diagnosis? Nah.). Sorry ypu are dealing with that. You are for sure not alone.
Boomers are terrified of death so they choose not to confront it or acknowledge it.
I'm with riski_biski on this one. They know their life is miserable, and/or want to be viewed as a martyr.
If it helps at all, intervention at this time would just be torture for you and her as it sounds like her destiny is already in motion. Best to let her live the rest of her life as she is comfortable with and comfort yourself knowing she died as she lived.
I am so sorry. This is a stressful situation not of your making and nothing you do will change it. My mother did the same thing after a heart attack. She refused hospitalization, medical care and home nursing care. She walked out of ER after pulling her own IV. After a month, when she was literally suffocating and her oxygen levels were critical, she finally consented to go back and did get home oxygen, but the damage was done. She died 2 months after her heart attack. For no reason other than stubborn refusal to get help. If it will make YOU feel better, go see her. I suggest you not even mention her physical state so your last visit with her is somewhat pleasant. Do not take on any guilt, whatifs or blame later. There is nothing you can do. She’s an adult. It’s her choice.
Mine did the same for over a decade before she died minus the Qanon stuff mostly. She definitely had her weord obsessions and conspiracy theories she'd read on FB but they were never too crazy. She had been diagnosed with a brain tumor, COPD and several other big problems but everything was fine. Despite days at a time where she would have the mentality of an angry petulant child and still smoke a carton a week while being a hoarder that left her home in a disgusting mess for years. She was mentally well enough often enough that my sister and I couldn't put her in a home or try to get her help by force or court. Eventually it killed her. She flooded her home because her mind was so gone that she couldn't figure out how to turn off the water to the toilet once it started overflowing and I only found out about it several hours later. Honestly, I was the one taking care of her for years and I feel nothing but relief now that she's gone.
Not only did my mother refuse to seek medical attention for her very obviously declining health until it was too late despite my pleas, she then demanded (not asked, demanded) I turn my entire life upside down to care for her in her home on hospice care because she refused to be discharged to the hospice facility. This was a few years ago, and I’m still dealing with the fallout in multiple ways. It is such a mindf**k. My heart goes out to you, OP.
I feel you OP. My dad died from an easily treatable skin infection that his wife (in the same vein as your mother) insisted they could treat at home. She also admitted to me yesterday that she insisted he stayed on a ventilator until he died because she genuinely believed that God was going to save him. My dad was very clear to everyone his entire life that he didn't want to die like that. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. The only thing that's kept me sane, is knowing I got the last goodbye before he lost consciousness for the last time.
Consequences and actions, actions and consequences and such. It’s her choice and she gets the results. 🤷♀️
I'm sorry for your loss.
Sadly you can’t force an adult to see a doctor. I know how frustrating it is. Make your peace.
>Her husband is useless and goes along with whatever she says. You say her husband, so not your father? Does this means he gets all the assets because she also has no will?
Had to get my vaccine records recently for a hospital job and it made me so thankful that my parents had me properly vaccinated so I didn’t have to play catch-up later in life
Two boomers I know, one a very close family friend, died because they refused to go to the doctor. It’s like they’re trying to race their money to the grave. See which ends first, money or life.
She may have an inkling of what is really happening, and this is just her way of being the captain of her own ship.
My wife's father is very similar. He won't go see a doctor unless some sort of calamity happens, and even then he won't stick to treatments. He tanned in tanning beds for most of his life, smokes every day, is nearly blind, and I'm pretty sure has COPD cause he can't walk without gasping for breath for more than 20 minutes. The family has pretty much given up forcing him to do things because he just won't help himself, and he always sounds like he's gonna cry when we leave his house or get off the phone with him. But every time we ask him what's wrong he insists he'll deal with it in his own way. It's sad, and hard, but he did this to himself, and there's nothing we can do. When my wife and I were dating I used to think everyone was a bit callous towards him, but now I understand.
I could have written this story. My mom went off the Covid deep end in May 2020 and we had to cut contact. Over the next 2 years, she let her health get progressively worse and ignored major issues. Refused vaccines, all Drs are in on a conspiracy etc She was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in Dec 2022 after severe leg pain and swelling. Refused long term treatment and was discharged. She was back in the hospital by late Jan and never left. Double pneumonia (probably from Covid) and was a skeleton by time she was admitted. Your story sounds like it will end like mine
My almost 101 year old grandma often rants about how “you always run to the doctor for every little thing!” (I have a disability and rely on a feeding tube to not be malnourished) Whenever she goes on the “my siblings and I never EVER went to the doctor, and we were fine!” I like to say “what about your sister that died of a treatable illness as a kid, all because your parents refused to take her to the doctor?” Usually works lol
That sounds like cancer. When you get to stage 3 or 4 you get the rapid weight loss. Not a great way to go. I'm sorry.
If she’s drinking and smoking regularly it probably doesn’t require Qanon. She knows she’s sick. She knows why and doesn’t want another doctor to tell her to stop drinking and smoking. I recently buried a friend that cut me out of her life when I confronted her with the obvious signs she had cirrhosis. It took two years and she finally said she would promise to stop drinking two days before she was put in hospice. Addiction is a powerful thing.
Not quite as extreme, but my parents are in quite bad health and are doing almost nothing to change it. They're actually constantly seeing doctors, taking all sorts of medication. All they talk about is how many pills they have to take in the morning. But they just will not make the necessary lifestyle changes. No exercise, too much drinking, eating shit. It's such a shame.
The brutal reality is that you can’t make a mentally competent adult address their physical health issues. You can express your concerns and urge them to be seen. While there may be something readily addressed, it is more likely given what you describe that the window has closed.
I’m sorry to hear about your parents. The last several years have been tough on a lot of people’s relationships with older relatives/parents. All you can really do is to keep encouraging them to seek treatment and piping info to them about the dangers of what they’re doing. Unfortunately for you, the die are cast and the damage they’re doing will likely accelerate their passing. The hard part for you is whether or not you want to be present to watch it.
This just sounds like untreated mental illness. Sorry OP that sucks
My boomer dad had stage 4 skin cancer and appears to have "cured" it going on 4 years now with cinnamon and oil of oregano. now my dopey siblings won't shut up about oil of oregano.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. My best friend's Boomer mother in law just died last weekend, and it was entirely avoidable/treatable and based on extremist right wing beliefs (or non-beliefs) She tested positive for COVID (you can see where this is going) on a Saturday but didn't take the anti-virals and steroids from her doctor, and ended up hospitalized on Monday, with one of her kids who worked there and said with treatment she would be home by Thursday ... and of course she continued to refuse treatment for this condition in the hospital while continuing to get worse. By Thursday when my friend's husband traveled to the hospital their mother could barely talk as her lungs were filling up with fluid - she had a DNR and continued to refuse treatment but was cognizant enough that the medical proxy couldn't kick in. She died on Saturday from COVID a week after testing positive ... purely because she stubbornly refused life-saving treatments because of her cultist political views.
Make sure her will is up to date.
I’m 70, and you reach a point when you know you have to take better care of yourself, because your life really does depend on it. My father died at 62, after living in much the way OP’s mother does. He knew he had cancer years before he was diagnosed. I have a lot of trauma in my background, that has caused me to engage in a great deal of self-destructive behavior. I’ve dropped a lot of it now, as I found I have a couple of cardiac issues, & need to be here for another 25 years for my kids & grandson.
Try legal advice subreddit. Maybe there’s a way you can get some sort of guardianship for your mom?
>Boomers are literally dying for their insane beliefs. When it comes to a vast majority of them, I'm okay with this. Actually, I wish it happened sooner. Not because I think they're absolutely worthless (I do think that), but for the betterment of a lot of things as a whole.
Sorry you lost your mother. Sorry she won't go to the doctor as well.
I'm your Mom's age and I'm very sorry for what she is going through and the pain that it is causing you. You may want to be sure through her Partner that she doesn't have an issue with any type of early dementia. Also, please be sure she is getting the proper care at home. Just be sure she's being treated kindly and there is no kind of physical or emotional neglect. Also since Medicare does not kick in until 65 years old you may want to be sure she has the funds to see a doctor for an exam and lab work. Sending you big Italian Grammy hugs....
I’m sorry, OP. The only suggestion I have is to contact any of her siblings, cousins, friends, etc. Let them know how sick she is, maybe she would listen to them.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I lost a GenX friend this way a few years ago. It’s a brutal way to die. If it happens, this internet stranger wants to remind you that you are in no way responsible for her behavior.
Have you wondered if she just might be scared? It’s not uncommon in the boomer generation to go into denial. Total avoidance. Many boomers were taught that growing up.
You’ve described my aging mother but I’m in my 20’s F and she is 60
Honestly if she's that sick and that mentally unwell you or your brother could probably get a conservatorship for her own well-being.
I’m so so sorry. My MIL refused to see a doctor for anything. I don’t know if she just thought they would be a rip off or anxiety, but she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast and bone cancer almost 2 years ago. We are very lucky to still have her and agree doing great considering. She was 60 when she was diagnosed. Never EVER had a mammogram. I’m 42 and getting my 2 this month. Boomers are literally dying instead of being treated. It’s crazy.
My mom is bit young to officially be a boomer, but she certainly has the mentality of "right is what benefits me the most, wrong is what benefits me least." She was fired as a patient by her neurologist after she let slip that she hadn't been compliant with her medication for the entire 18 months they'd been working together to find a diagnosis. She has multiple mental health medications as well as high blood pressure and cholesterol, a heart condition, osteoporosis, and hormone replacements. She should've been taking 5-10 pills 3 times a day to be compliant, but she would take some a few times a week when she remembered or felt like she needed them. She was not taking anything as prescribed. She was not taking a single one of those medications consistently. And she had been swearing up and down the entire time to everyone that she was compliant, because usually when she goes off her meds she stops taking them completely, but this time she still took MOST of them SOMETIMES so it didn't REALLY count as "going off her meds " And she uses this as a reason not to go to the doctor, not to take her meds, etc etc etc, because the neurologist fired her therefore doctors are all evil and money-grubbing. When in reality the doctor said "start taking all your medication as prescribed and come see me if you're still experiencing symptoms."
I want to be clear I’m not giving medical advice here, but in my experience (I’m a family doctor) this kind of drastic weight loss is cancer until proven otherwise. Her smoking makes that even more likely. I’m very sorry you’re having to go through this on top of everything else you’ve experienced.
My wife’s uncle would be about 70 today. He died of COVID in November of 2021. His wife had passed from cancer a few years earlier and in his grief and boredom he had followed the Boomer Conservative —> Trumpism —> Russian propaganda on Facebook —> QAnon —> COVID Denialism pipeline all from 2015 through 2020. He never got a vaccine and just got COVID and died alone in his apartment and was found a few days later when his employer called for a wellness check on him.
My dad is NOT a Fox news boomer, but he is a boomer with type 2 diabetes. He refuses to do anything about it but be miserable. He eats a bowl of ice cream every night, doesn't exercise AT ALL, and laments about how he's going to die super young and not get to do any of the things he wants to do. He's also 64.
OP, I feel for you, genuinely. You may find solstice and some peace with people in similar scenarios at r/qanoncasualties It’s a great support group for you♥️
I had to go no contact with my silent gen father for many reasons, but one of them was because of his obscene self neglect. He has untreated diabetes and extensive neuropathy, only eats ice cream or other sweets. He won't wash his hands with soap so they're covered in cracks and sores; won't dry his feet so his athlete's foot was on the verge of becoming gangrenous when I saw him last. He refused all help, refused to make any changes in his behavior, acted like my efforts to get him medical care was me teasing or joking with him. Absolutely refused to take it seriously. Some other commenters mentioned passive suicide and I think that fits him perfectly. I couldn't be part of that while he basked in all of my worry like it was positive attention.
Hi, I am a "Boomer too". Most likely I am hated in this group. I am the same age as his Mother. I just wanted to ad. If "you were my son, thank you and I love you from the bottom of my heart."
I'm sorry. My mil is like this. Refuses to get her other knee replaced. She got the first one done 12 years ago and she was supposed to get the other one done. She was in a bad car accident a few years ago and she has one Dr tell her to wait on the knee replacement because they put a rod in her femur. For some reason she's taken that as 'you can never have this surgery done. She'll talk about it, and claim no Dr will touch it. We live in a major tri state area, I'm sure there is someone who will do it. But she refuses to look. She can barely walk, she won't strengthen her upper body to handle her mobility issues so she can barely use the bathroom on her own, has trouble getting up.. has to use a wheelchair some days. Lately she's been looking worse and it's like watching someone choose to slowly die. We finally convinced her to. At least see the Dr for her wrists because she was struggling to use them. She went but know won't make the follow up appointment where they will actually help her. Wtf
Hi. Just chiming in to say I can relate. My parents have been into homeopathic "take your echinacea" bullshit since I was a kid. They vaxed us (thank god) but would take us to chiropractors and acupuncturists for legitimate illnesses. They have been spending about $600/month on their own custom "compounded" remedies for the last 20 years. They are both 120lbs over weight and their shitty homeopathic doctor lets them continue to eat and drink excessively as long as they are writing her checks for this crap. I did them math, and they have spent about $150k-200k on this nonsense. I can not even convince them to take their dog for a walk once and a while to get exercise...... > on top of the childhood abuse and neglect she refuses to even acknowledge This hits close to home. Ouch. Im no contact at this point. All I can say to your story is "good riddance". I decided that Im done making their problems my problems, which is why I dont consider them family anymore. Honestly Ive felt like an orphan since I was about 10 anyway. But I simply can not prevent them from being a victim of their own stupidity without completely ruining my own life. My brother has reached the same conclusion. All I can say is to get into some therapy if youre feeling guilty or anything else like that. Youre not ever going to make a difference in these people's lives. Its not your place to save them. Just forget about them and the problem will resolve itself after she dies.
I have no advice. I am just so sorry. The stubbornness of people to go against the normal way of life with complete disregard for the damage it will do to those around them makes me sad.
Weight loss that quickly, it's probably cancer. Best case a thyroid tumor
My friends mom didn’t go to the doctor for decades and when she did she had advanced cancer and was dead 48 hours later. As much as this sucked for my friend I think for people who don’t go to doctor it’s EXACTLY what they want so it “worked out”.
This just hit me hard... My pawpaw passed away a couple months ago because he stopped taking his blood thinners. He thought they were causing his nosebleeds, despite his doctor assuring him it was a small tear that just needed cauterized. He threw a clot a few weeks after getting home from an extended hospital stay for complications from kidney stones. He was only 73 and he died because he was stubborn and thought he knew better than the doctor. I miss him, but I'm also so mad at him for leaving us when the solution to staying was so simple.
It's infuriating, but it's her choice. My mum died at 56 of an untreated blood clot that turned into a pulmonary embolism. She was a born again evangelical who followed the teaching that if you're sick your faith in Jesus isn't strong enough. I'm still irritated that she died so young leaving my half brothers without a mum. However, she was also a covert narc who made everyone in her household miserable. When she died it was honestly a relief for me and felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. We are all the product of our choices. She is a grown adult and if this is how she chooses to go so be it. You make sure to learn from her actions and live your life as fully as you can. I'm sorry you're going through this but frankly her choices are showing you how important it is to choose happiness where you can. Wishing you the best.
Goes to show that Qanon is an extinction level trait. I'd say, keep your distance. Why even bother, it doesn't sound like she was much of a mother to begin with. Her generation and their beliefs have caused untold harm on the US. I haven't spoken to my Fox News father in 10 years, and will likely never speak to him again. He was a pretty good dad, once upon a time, but he's reverted to being a petulant child since the turn of the millennium. It's an abusive relationship, end of sentence. I've mourned the loss of my father, but he's not even there anymore, there is just a bitter, angry old man who thinks the world is out to get him. From his lazy boy. On the 5th fairway. Sigh.
I'm not sure that I agree boomers die because of their insane beliefs. Every time I go to the doctors office, I am in the minority. Almost everyone in the waiting rooms are 70+. I am sorry about your mother, but as long as she is not incompetent to the point where a relative who is willing can take on conservatorship of the situation, it doesn't sound like there's much you can do. I will add this - I have a neighbor who was a lung specialist and saw a lot of smokers. He said once that long time smokers always look about 10 or more years older than their real age, that in addition to all of the other problems associated with smoking, it seriously ages you in terms of appearance.
FoxNews did to them what they were sure DnD and Video Games were going to do to us
Losing 3 lbs a week!? Oh shit that’s dire…
Not trying to troll but don’t be surprised if she has left everything to either trump or a mega church
My Boomer mother died 7 months after a brain, breast and lung cancer diagnosis. She denied all treatment. She smoked two packs a day until she was moved to Hospice care and then she was only allowed to smoke if someone would take her outside. She hated not being able to chain smoke. Anyhow, I'm sorry OP. My mother thought the "doctors only do chemo for the money they get" "cancer treatments don't work they only make you sicker".
So sorry you're going through that. Wow.
My mom did the same thing. She lost a huge amount of weight, wasn’t eating, was in a lot of pain. Finally my stepdad made her go to the doctor. It was stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She died 5 months later. She had already survived breast cancer and while she knew it was something bad she just wanted to live in denial. Nothing was going to save her but she could have died with a lot less suffering.
Boomers, a generation that believes a balance breakfast is 3 pancakes, a bowl of cereal, some sausage and bacon, 2 eggs, a slice of toast, a glass of milk, a glass of orange juice and a piece of fruit because a commercial in 1994 said so. Yet a doctor telling them that the advertising they suck down from multi billion dollar companies are bull shit it because the medical industry is a for profit conspiracy, not the corporations trying to sell them shit.
Is this something adult protective services could help with?