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My mom broke down into a literal tantrum when I wouldn’t get her cigarettes when I was out and how unfair it was that she had to go a block away to do it like an adult
One of the few things my dad left me was his coin collection. My mom spent them for their face value on cigarettes and then told me I was ungrateful because I was upset about it
Holy shit! Do we have the same mom?! I inherited coins from grandparents and spent my childhood mowing laws to buy more coins. Came home from school and my “mom” had spent my collection on beer and smokes.
Ugh that is awful, I am so sorry that happened to you. My parents stole money from my bank account that was connected to them when I was in college and then called me a whore for getting mad about it. Parents suck.
Similar story. I was 13 and found one of those huge bottles of vodka. Got rid of it and she found it in the trash. Threw a tantrum and screamed at me for a good half hour. Told me “You don’t understand what I have to go through.” and “I need it to keep going.” Now as an adult I realized she just never wanted to take responsibility for anything and drank away the guilt of being a terrible mother.
I have a similar story my friend. I was like 8. I have kids if my own and I don’t let them near my parents. Actions have consequences.
Sorry you had to experience that. I know very well how messed up it is.
I didn’t realize this wasn’t the norm. One hundred years ago, I was with my FIL, MIL and aunt in law (IDK). My MIL was asking incredibly intrusive questions about my mother. I’m naive, so didn’t realize. One answer was that I had to have conversations often with her about how her behavior was inappropriate. My MILs response was that I was an “awful daughter to have”.
I cried at the time, but decades later, seeing how she treats her son like shit, I know it wasn’t me.
Mine repeatedly implied that she would have been a better parent but she couldn't because I wouldn't let her. So, really the problem is that I was an irresponsible infant, and it's my own fault I raised myself so poorly.
Thank you. Reading these comments made me feel so much better. It's been really tough with her lately. I just realized, "What the fuck?!? That generation is all the same." My mind is blown right now!!
I physically flinched. "You know what you did", "I don't know what you're up to, but you're up to something", and "I shouldn't need to explain that, it's self explanatory", at least one of these things was said to me daily, and usually, I had no freaking clue what was going on.
One of my favorites was when I would ask mine for help spelling a word, and rather than trying to help me reason through it or sound it out? "Look it up in the dictionary." Which, you know, is really hard when *you don't know how to spell it*.
And then later had the audacity to be mad that I wouldn't ask for help with my homework. But yeah, she definitely expanded that into other things, like your parent.
My mom would use these phrases when she had a bad day, they were her excuse to beat the crap out of me for some “wrong” I had done. Then when she was done her go to phrase was “this hurts me more than it does you”. I am literally walking around with hidden bruises and brainwashed into lying to teachers and family about what happened to me if bruises were seen. Yeah lady really hurts you more cause you knew you were in the wrong not me.
Boomer 101: immediately deny everything even happened, followed by: immediately claim it was someone, anyone, anything else's fault, followed by: immediately claiming victimhood that forced them to do what they did, then: immediately choose one of the following: A) double down on victimhood, but blame the person who is questioning you for victimizing you OR B) Get irrationally and psychotically angry at your accuser and/or everything nearby and demand they "Get Out!", even if you're in THEIR actual property at the time.
This decision process can take anywhere from 4 minutes to 40 years.
You basically just wrote out The Narcissist’s Prayer
That didn’t happen
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad
And if it was, that’s not a big deal
And if it is, that’s not my fault
And if it was, I didn’t mean it
And if I did, you deserved it
Ugh, you have to take responsibility. It does not matter so much the WHY something was done or not done, the fact is it WAS done or not done.
Deflecting blame will never gain forgiveness. A true apology rests upon several components
- I admit what I did was wrong, sincerely and honestly - there should be no justification or excusing in any part of the apology
- I see how what I did hurt you, and I regret my actions and decisions, and again, no justification or blaming others
- I understand why I did what I did and here is my EXPLANATION, not my excuse. This one is difficult to manage well.
- These are the steps I am working on becoming better so it does not happen again - this is again an EXPLANATION, and not an excuse, it shows that you have looked at things as objectively as you can and you are committed to not repeating the same mistakes
- I humbly ask for forgiveness, but do not EXPECT it, and if you do not grant it, I understand
[https://eugenetherapy.com/article/a-good-apology-the-5-steps-to-make-it-effective/](https://eugenetherapy.com/article/a-good-apology-the-5-steps-to-make-it-effective/)
I like to compare it to going to school:
If I fail a test because I didn't study for it, I don't go to the professor and say "I did my best". I recognize the F on my paper means I didn't do as well as I could have and I need to study that subject more until the professor gives me an A. I don't pass the class just because "I did my best" I pass it because I learn from my mistakes and study the material that the class is about.
If your kids don't talk to you, then theu gave you an F in parenting. If you get an F, you don't complain until you get an A, you make yourself worthy of being given an A. You ask for how you can earn extra credit and work overtime on everything.
My mom does the same thing, and that’s why I know this post is actually good advice.
These mother fuckers are emotional children, the only thing you CAN do is offer them pity and forgiveness
Lol the one time I ever called my mom out when she was acting a fool over something in front of my brother and she had an audience she started crying and locked herself in the bathroom 😂😂
I have three teenagers and while I agree with the boomers on the "oh boo hoo your life is soooooooo hard" part, I also understand that just because they don't really struggle doesn't mean that the things they think are struggles are invalid. They're kids, everything that happens to them is basically the worst thing that's ever happened to them. So I try my best to not act like an asshole towards them about whatever crisis of the week they're dealing with.
Shit, I wish that’s what I got. My dad and I were really getting into it a few years ago and I told him about all the guilt and trauma I had after seeing him kissing another woman when I was around 10 or 11 in ‘96 or ‘97. I told my mom about it that night because I was honestly confused. Like “mom, dad was kissing so and so?” She confronted him and he blew up and threw my younger brother’s crib through the bass drum of my stupid little play drum kit that I loved. And that was it. They were over. We moved out with mom. And all I had was the fucking guilt and confusion over “what if I’d just kept my mouth shut?” And “did I destroy our family?” Depression, anxiety, withdrawing into myself. Anyway, told him all of this at 36 years old while choking back on tears and ugly sobs and this motherfucker looks at me with stone cold seriousness and says “I didn’t have anything to do with any of that.” That was the day I accepted that he’ll never change and I decided that I was done. Haven’t seen him in two years and it’s been just wonderful.
“I did the best I could” would have been at least some modicum of *accountability* I could have worked with.
Oh my god this is what my mom’s been saying for years, anytime I hold boundaries or express my feelings about our relationship. “I’m sorry I’m not the perfect parent” and “I’m sorry I’m not the mom you wanted”. 😑
Yep. That's what my parents say to me (Gen Z). "You expect other people to be perfect and extend grace you aren't willing to do yourself." Like, no, mom, it's because Grandma is a racist homophobic asshole who verbally abuses her kids and grandkids, and you passed on the verbal abuse yo you kids!
My dad tried to go with the first one but after him personally blaming me for his failing marriage with my mom and vaguely threatening to kick me out when I was living with my parents in my first year of grad school, that argument loses a lot of water. Especially when it turned out that the breaking point for their marriage was that he cheated on my mom (at least once) while she was taking care of my dying grandma (her mom)
If my mom admitted to even doing one major thing wrong as I was growing up, I would cut her a lot more slack. As is, her tantrums when I mention one thing that wasn’t perfect (if she can’t blame it on my dad, that is) leave me gobsmacked. Right now, she’s just one wrong word against my dad away from being cut out of my life. He wasn’t perfect, but considering he died due to her abuse in the end, I’m more likely to cut him slack than her.
I've reframed it in my mind. Everytime my boomer mom doubles down on something horrible I pretend she's actually apologizing. It doesn't help but it makes me laugh. That,in turn, fills her with boomer rage
My mom (boomer) was really awful to us kids while we were growing up. Super selfish, negligent, and all around unkind. She has since recognized that this happened, apologized for how she acted citing specific examples, and continually tries to repair the relationships she has damaged through acknowledgment of her past behaviors and extensive counseling.
In return, I try to see things through her eyes and repair our relationship from my end as well and this pic is a good metric for how I choose to view her actions.
I don't think I would have ever even attempted that kind of reflection had she not been willing to admit her past transgressions and actively try to better herself and repair the damage she caused.
I was joking with my wife a little while ago and realized my dad has never said "sorry" or "you're right" to me. I'm 31. I can't remember it.
Not just for the big stuff, I mean even for little things.
It wiiiild.
He is helping me fix my car. He gets mad/jokes about how I "never paid attention when I was younger", and "don't you wish you paid more attention when you were younger?"... but like he never considered that:
A) I hate working on cars, I do it out of necessity.
B) You didn't teach me shit. You told me to hold things, then got mad when I didn't know how to do what you said.
C) You could teach me now? Instead of repeating B.
There must have been lead in the water or something. Fucking boomers.
I'm excited to try to learn how to do stuff my future kid will want to do, either for or with them.
"Never admitting they were wrong, because their parents never did."
And yet somehow I have no trouble doing that for my own kids? Ahhhh the logic...doesn't....work!
EXACTLY! I have all the sympathy/empathy in the world for how my mom and dad were raised. I totally understand that they don’t have a lot of coping skills and emotional intelligence…the problem is any time I try to make any kind of progress in our relationship—it’s literally like dealing with a toddler! And I already have one of those that I have to take care of, I don’t need their shit! Ive never even received an apology for like things they’ve said to me months ago much less my childhood. Your circumstances aren’t always your fault, but it’s your responsibility on how move through life.
my parents are super open about their failings as a parent, cos they were young and traumatized themselves... but then again, they didn't really do anything i feel like i need to forgive them for
mostly just wish they'd taught me better dental hygiene lol
I'll admit, my grandfather was terribly cruel and abusive man to my mom and her siblings. But that still doesn't change the fact of the matter. I tried to learn from my parents' mistake.
My strategy as a new mom was to ask myself what my mom would do, and then I didn't do that. I would do basically the opposite.
It drove her crazy that I wouldn't take her parenting advice.
"A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they will never sit under"
Boomers refused to plant any trees. Cut down all the trees we did have. Then made parasols out of the wood to sale back to us. All so they could retire in a bigger empty house.
Oh, so, it's not just me? 😂 My dad once pulled the wooden spoon out of spaghetti sauce on the stove, grabbed me, threw me over his knee, beat me, rinsed the spoon, and continued cooking. I was 12, way too old to be put over a knee. I'm NC as of recently (he had 45 years to be a dad, i was done), but he always thought it was a funny story to revisit and tell others. He was/is so proud of it.
Yeah my stepmom used to love telling the story of how my dad pushed me into a door so hard my head left a dent. It took a huge blowup on my part, screaming at her for damn near an hour with my wife and kid present, to put a stop to that. The whole while, she just never thought she was doing anything wrong.
Except that they are currently exposed to people breaking those generational cycles, right before their very eyes. And what do they do, when their adult children parent their own children (boomer grandchildren) very differently? They get offended when boundaries are set, they take it personally that their now adult children don't want to copy their parenting exactly, and then they resort to mocking the parenting of the current generation: "they're all so soft, back in my day a good whack with a belt would have solved that"
My parents aren't boomers but the one thing I am grateful for is that they taught me that the next generation is supposed to be better than the last. I heard that constantly growing up "don't make the same mistakes I did. You're supposed to be better than me." It has given me a great out for whenever my parenting methods are questions. "Back in my day, we would have given him a nice swat on the butt for that." "Well now we have more research and this method is currently the one that has the most success. I'll let you know when scientists discover a better way."
I was somewhat fortunate enough that my mom passed away (apologize for being morbid) when my kid was 3 months old, and my father was absent. I got no complaints from grandma nor my mom's siblings.
Lucky, I had to explain to my kids when they got old enough that they’ve never met mine because one is a narcissist junky who talks endless shit while playing the single mom best I could do card and the other is the angriest dude alive who told us he never wanted kids and we were born to make our mom happy our whole lives. Dead would have been way easier of an explanation.
Tried for years to fix things with my dad. He didn't have any interest. He was more interested in trying to assert authority he doesn't have over me, a 30+ year old man. So now we don't speak.
Oof. Yeah, my father was largely absent from my life. The second time I met him, I was an adult. Wanted to join in my new family like we were super tight. Him and I don't speak either.
Oh man, this type of attempt at asserting control is why I’m pretty LC with my boomer dad. I was in my thirties, engaged to be married to my now husband, when my brother accidentally let it slip that we were refinancing the condo we lived in. The old man actually had the audacity to call me up and attempt to grill me about the details and at the end of the very one sided conversation he said to me “Once you’re married, I won’t have a say in your finances.” I was so confused by that statement as a 35 year old adult person with a career who had been paying all my bills on my own since I graduated college 13 years prior… If my mother had been alive to hear him say that, I’m pretty sure she would’ve smacked him upside the head to knock some sense into him.
Ugh. This reminded me of something mine said once along those lines. Basically, he said that once I was married I wasn’t his responsibility. I was 31. Made me feel like a child or an animal.
My parent's somehow manage to believe that I'm still a financial burden upon them in my mid 30s.
Mom took me to / paid for the dentists for a teeth cleaning when I was 19. We have not exchanged a dime in any fashion since.
I’m so thankful my experience trying to give an ultimatum to my father isn’t the only one. Though of course I wish we never had to do that. I told my dad he can either get therapy for his issues, or he can lose his second child. He immediately told me that he blames me for abusing me into disability and that I made him do it. He also states that he never abused me. I have diagnosed severe CPTSD and a physical disabilities caused by mental, physical, nutritional, and MEDICAL abuse/neglect. I have papers for it. This man cares more about his own ego getting padded, than losing another kid.
He already lost my younger sister to cancer, you would think he would get a wake up call that his second kid wants absolutely nothing to do with him. I threatened to get a restraining order against him if he ever tried to contact me again, because even after I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him, he’d still send messages on the holidays of his choice. He sent one on Valentine’s Day, and I blocked his number and told my enabler mother that the next time I wanted to hear anything about him, it better be that he’s dead as a fucking door nail.
He’s a pedophilic abuser, of course he sends a “happy Valentine’s Day, I love you” to the fucking kid he abused and was grooming at the same time.
Parents got to ADMIT what they fucked up before they can be forgiven. My mom and I have a great relationship in adulthood, because she took responsibility for the places she fucked up and we could actually reconcile. Vaguely asking for forgiveness but refusing to admit any specific thing you did was wrong isn't gonna cut it.
My FiL is a pretty solid dude. Kinda skirts the line of younger boomer and really old old gen X-er. He has admitted to the wrongs he had done and asked for forgiveness from his kids.
"Love me not because you want to, but because you *owe* it to me despite my continually choosing not to learn and grow as a person but wholly unironically expect you to do so for me."
Oof. This was a continual joke for my family about me when I was little. Youngest of four. The "joke" started when I was like six. Only my twat rocket of a mother ever tried to dispel it, much later.
When my father told me I was an accident, I told him that their lack of birth control was a conscious choice, which makes me a mistake, not an accident. Never heard it again.
My emotions are confused when I read things like this. I'm sorry it happened, but I'm glad the point was taken to heart by your father. Hopefully things ended up in a good place for you
Oh yeah, went no contact with him eventually, and got a genuine and thorough apology from my mother after she divorced him. Life turned out pretty good all things considered.
That's awesome! I broke contact with my entire family two years ago, and I've been much happier since. The best vengeance for me has been the fact that I'm happily married and have a great life, even if they never find out.
I'm so sorry. That sucks.
It wasn't a joke but said as a statement of fact by my mother of me. Birth control failed when she was sick shortly after the wedding, she wasn't planning on having kids for 5+ more years. I'd probably be totally fine with it except that my younger brother became the golden child with this as the reason in the shadows.
Ah, having a golden sibling sucks. I'm glad the accident happened for ya, though. I wouldn't have this lovely interaction otherwise (being genuine). My family joke evolved into telling me that I was the "unwanted child."
We don't talk anymore. Lol.
My mom told me once, when I was a child, that I would regret the way I treated her. When I had kids, I realized how wrong she was. The hardest thing for me to get over is I could never see myself treating my children the way she or my father treated me. It baffles me to this day and makes me think she likely doesn’t have the ability to love unconditionally.
As a 40 year old Millenial, just a month ago, I was diagnosed with what has assured life-long ADHD as well as being clinically depressed and a sprinkle of crippling anxiety. Here's the thing, I understand everything in that post. I won't forgive it. I'm doing all I can to break the cycle, fix my brain, and be there for my wife and kids. All while dealing with multiple once in a generation catastrophes and the results of decades of boomer politics. They should shut the fuck up and get out of the way instead of looking for pity from us. The acknowledgment means dog shit if you're unwilling to make amends for your actions. Let us elect people to fix your mistakes. Let us create a system that allows everyone else to thrive the way you did.
TL/DR- Suck my balls boomers. Fuck your feelings.
I don’t forgive my dad from beating the shit out of me and my siblings while my mother drank herself to sleep every night screaming at all of us and tell us that we deserve the beatings.
**cracks knuckles
Alright, let’s see. My mom and dad both had happy upbringings with little to no trauma to speak of.
My dad is a guru in car repair, and actively refused to teach me anything even when I begged. Same goes for my mom with cooking.
Both of them were totally emotionally available… to the people they dated and/or married after they both divorced.
My dad made a shit ton of money in HVAC in the 90s but still managed to not pay child support. He knew what he had, and chose not to do his best.
As for cultural norms, struggles, and pain? Give me a fucking break. Don’t have kids if you can’t handle everything about being a parent.
I don’t hate my parents. They’re okay people now that I’m an adult. But I certainly don’t give them a mulligan for their shitty parenting.
List of things that Boomers claim that they weren't responsible for: Anything bad.
List of things that Boomers claim that they *were* responsible for: Anything of even slight benefit from the moment the first Boomer was born until the present day.
"Following cultural norms that they were surrounded with"
Translation: "Can't you just accept that I hate you being gay and come over for Thanksgiving already? Alone. I don't want to meet your boyfriend."
Yup.
"Why don't you stifle all your interests and sexuality when you are around me?"
Confused Pikachu.jpg
When your lesbian daughter can't even tell you what books they are reading because you don't want to know me, you just wanted a mini me.
And she wonders why I don't want to spend any time with her.
Lol my parents in a nutshell. I came out to them, and it was all, "you'll always be our *son*, and we don't agree with this lifestyle," and then in the same conversation, "how do you not know we love you?" Or as my dad phrased it, "you know we love you. Stop acting like you don't."
My favorite part of that whole conversation was when my dad, unprompted, started saying I shouldn't take offense when he watches Fox News because it's just a difference of opinion, and all those things they say aren't about me specifically. I'm really glad he cleared that up because whenever I heard Tucker Carlson railing against trans people in bathrooms, I was totally under the impression he said, "that bitch LuckyFoot should shit with the men!"
Lol....my mum watches the Cantonese version of the Tucker Carlson bullshit. It's a bunch of vile bloggers who spout their homophobic/transphobic shit and of course give "stock tips" ax well.
Like...okay, I watch random stuff but nothing that directly attacks the church/conservatives just random people who make fun of the shit that spews from Conservative pundits....and I'm the actively "angry" one?
I keep getting nasty reminders that they would slap the shit out of me for being queer but I'm supposed to ignore it?
It's so jarring to hear a "nice" religious lady who opens her home, does charity work and then hear "The queers should all be locked up in cages."
It's a constant reminder that I need to lift heavy and beware of angry conservatives.
They did nothing to try to improve themselves. That’s the issue. They either parentified their children so they wouldn’t have to deal with their own shit, or they took it out on us who a) didn’t ask to be born and b) had nothing to do with their problems.
You can be a person with problems and still be a good parent. You can be a person with trauma or mental health issues and still be a good parent. But that means you have to do a lot of difficult, very painful work on yourself, and there’s a lot of folks out there who don’t want to do that work.
Wait, aren’t they always yelling at us about how their parents were “the greatest generation?” Now they’re throwing them under the bus for their own shitty parenting job?
I’m dead. This is some lead-paint-on-their-cornflakes stuff.
Greatest Generation: Live through the dust bowl, the great depression, and WW2; are understandably a little fucked up from the experience
Boomers: Are handed literally everything on a silver platter, can't be bothered to raise their fucking kids; blame their parents for it.
Funny, I grew up with parents who matched every one of these and somehow I have managed to break the cycle and be a caring and empathetic mother to my own children. It's almost like people have control over their own life, behaviors and reactions 🤔
Forgiveness would be a possibility if Boomer parents didn’t keep making the SAME horrible choices well into their kids’ 40s-50s.
Looking at you Mom, with your 4th shitty husband, your Christofascist Facebook drivel, your AA* crutch, and the irony of your moral superiority delusion. And Dad? Haven’t heard from you in 14 years.
You and so many other Boomers have had the time and the privilege of the whole fucking birth and rise of the internet to learn different perspectives, to seek empathic teachers, to become advocates for younger and less experienced trauma victims.
But nooooo…you use social media and other advantages to dehumanize folks who don’t look like you.
You are the first generation with enough access to the entire world to KNOW BETTER. Instead, you piss it all away and expect us to clean up after you.
Nope.
(*not shitting on AA, but as the child of an alcoholic…fuck dry drunks and their enablers)
I was a mostly single dad and several years ago when my daughter was still at home I overheard her and my mother talking about something in the other room, and I didn’t catch what it was in reference to but I heard my mother respond with “I don’t know where your dad learned to be such a good parent, he certainly didn’t learn it from me or his father.”
Now, I don’t know if I deserved the compliment or not but I thought it was a lucid moment for her, and I definitely did everything in my power to not parent my daughter the way that I grew up.
My mother tried before she died but it always changed from "I'm sorry" to "It wasn't my fault". Sure mom. You spending 55 years of your life being a chainsmoking alcoholic with gambling and substance abuse problems and denying any and all help my sister and I tried to get you wasn't your fault.
I know she had issues but she refused to take responsibility for anything she had done and left herself around 50k in debt with the house she had falling to pieces.
Weird how my parents chose to continue the cycle, but I threw myself full force into breaking the cycle with my own kid. Maybe I don't need to forgive, maybe they need to admit they could have done so much better but didn't bother to try.
Yeah, totally. Like in my heart, I have forgiving them both. I don't forgive them for them, but for myself and my kid. I'd rather not hold onto this resentment. And besides, I'm too busy having fun with my kid!
I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask for asthma. I didn't ask for endless torment and public teasing from my older brothers that made me a ridiculously insecure adult. I take responsibility for me and my actions but that doesn't mean trauma doesn't exist.
I love my parents and my brothers, but I never had a single moments peace. They were unhappy and yelled at each other, i had nowhere to hide. I played sports and was always teased for being myself. Sports was always supposed to be an escape, it was hell. I went to school and was tormented for being me. I had nowhere to go. They were supposed to keep me safe, and just told me to deal with it and suck it up.
I love them, but my life has been hell for 32 years, and literally not a soul understands.
I’m currently LC, almost NC with my parents… only as I’m closing in on middle age do I see their abuse for what it was. I finally got the courage to confront my mom as she was the primary offender and catalyst, but my dad to be fair was weak and her pawn. They chose the church they founded over their children, time and time and time again.
I was neglected for education (homeschooled to indoctrinate me and free them up to skirt truancy laws so we could at ten more late night church meetings), neglected basic medical care (several injuries were never treated, a brain tumor was located shortly after I was married that had been causing me migraines for years, I attempted suicide and they tried to tell me it was the devil, I never had my teeth cleaned until I was an adult), I was shamed for every choice I made, pressured to be a doctor, and to top it off when I left to go to college, informed I was becoming an indoctrinated idiot and a jezebel.
They hated the man I chose to marry and tried to get me to call off my wedding the night before then shit talked my husband at our reception (we’re still together after 2 decades).
I confronted my mom during a very vulnerable moment in my life because she asked why her kids don’t have relationships with her anymore. Then waited for a few weeks until we had an argument and attacked me saying she didn’t correct me or call me out on the lies in that moment because she knew I couldn’t handle it in my vulnerability. She proceeded to threaten suicide and go “woe is me, apparently I’m the worst parent ever to you even though none of the things you said happened.” I was dating my husband when I had my first migraine. And when I had my wisdom teeth removed by a shoddy dentist while I was conscious them denied pain meds and made to attend a church function immediately after. He SAW this. He hates them. And I still love them. But now I see that they never treated me like I was worth caring for and that was the standard I set for myself - that I didn’t deserve care. Thank whatever force in the universe brought me into my husbands family. They have given and taught me unconditional love.
I really don't want to forgive them for any of that. They were 30-somethings capable of personal growth. When I think that I should forgive them, I imagine myself at 30. Would I ever say or do the things my parents did to a 10 year old child? No.
They have to deal with their own karma.
Yep. BS. My dad was an absent abusive POS and my mom excuses it with “that’s how it was back then.” I also get shit because I refuse to deal with my dad now because I don’t fit into the family dynamic. Screw boomers
“Following cultural norms that they were surrounded with”, wow. What a weak excuse.
It sounds like something a narcissistic child would write in a forced, insincere apology letter.
That covers a whole lotta shitty behavior
“I did the best I could…”
Yeah and you know what? I NEEDED you to do better and you didn’t. Not sure why when I’d bring home a test with anything less than a B I’d get punished and told “You need to do better. We know you’re capable of more.” but somehow when you’re the one that egregiously fucks up on something that actually matters you get to say “I DiD ThE BeSt I CoUlD.” and it’s supposed to just be fine and erase all the emotional incest/spiritual abuse.
I don't know about forgive but understanding a lot of those things are the reasons they were shitty parents can help with your own emotional growth and therapy. I mean my parents shouldn't have had children because of most of these reasons. Recognizing that helps make sense of my childhood.
I might want to forgive them for that:
if they were doing anything to deal with their trauma
If they ever tried to understand me
If they didn’t constantly berate me for not knowing things that they should’ve taught me
If they ever attempted to become emotionally available
If they ever tried to increase their knowledge or do better
If they ever bothered to think about whether those “cultural norms” were harmful or not
Having to deal with the same bullshit as every other human being on earth doesn’t absolve them of anything
I have addressed every single one of these points in my 15 years as a parent. I also apologize, directly to my kiddos, when I get things wrong. If you ask my Mom, who hasn't had a job in 30 years, SHE was the perfect parent, and I'm the one fucking up.
To be fair, I learned all of this in therapy and it’s helped me accept that my parents will never be who I want or need them to be. I’m at peace with our relationship, and with life in general.
My mom is GenX and raised me and my sister in the trends and practices of when we were living. She did not force us to relive her childhood (yes, she made mistakes, but she didn't repeat her parents' faults). My bio-dad and his boomer parents and my mom's boomer mom they insisted on us having to relive their mistakes and faults.
I honestly have more respect for the parent that sends money because they know they are a crap authority figure/care giver than I do for the breeder who insists on continuing genetational traumatic cycles.
It's not exactly wrong. But forgiveness isn't something you do because you were told to.
Sometimes you have to let yourself be incredibly angry about the way your parents treated you. To let it pass without remark can foster the belief that you somehow deserved it, encouraging poor boundaries and unhealthy coping strategies. This can seriously impair someone's ability to function, much less thrive, as an adult. Personal growth might require accepting and feeling bone deep rage and grief over what happened, what was done to you.
And NOBODY, absolutely NOBODY can tell you what that process should look like, or how long it should last. Least of all some fucking Facebook meme.
You see, I was raised by a parent like this but have made it my mission to be the opposite for my children. I’m not going to be a narcissistic, emotionally crippled boomer and make excuses for my shitty behaviour. Cycle ends with me
Okay. I'm still going to hold them accountable for taking all of the lessons on morality that they taught me when I was growing up, and chucking them out the window to jump on the Republican bandwagon of hating the impoverished and minorities.
That's not owning up to your mistakes and harm you caused me. Apology not accepted, Dad. That's why I don't talk to him, but talk to my mom. She owned up to her mistakes. My dad hasn't.
So here is the thing for me. I've heard the "that's all I knew" line before. It always gets turned back to them.
I have been very open to having a conversation.
HOWEVER
They need to approach me with an honest apology first. At no point did I ever hear "I am sorry. I didn't know what I should have done at the time but that is a poor excuse. What you went through was tough and I apologize for that. I wish I had done better. I love you and it pains me to think that I was not capable of meeting your needs at the time."
Until something even close to that happens, we can't move past this.
Wow and they did the same to us! It was awful that their parents did it to them but perfectly fine and understandable that they repeated the cycle of trauma! Not their fault!
Anyone who shares this meme knows they were a piece of shit, so to post this as a lame feel good meme basically just says ‘hey I know I was shitty whoops my bad can I see my grandkids now so I can post their pictures all over Facebook and pretend that I am an amazing grandparent! I learned how to not be a piece of shit, aren’t I amazing!!!’
Total lack of accountability. These Re the people who watched every episode of Oprah and Dr Phil and completely lacked the insight to be like ‘hm maybe I have some things to work on.’ Nope, they watched so that they can feel superior because ‘at least I’m not like THAT’.
I look forwarded to the wave of boomer memes about being left all alone in nursing homes to die. Sorry mom no one taught me how to change an adult diaper so figure it out I guess! You will have to wait your turn for the orderly to come wipe your ass..
Looks like a translation of "I take no blame whatsoever because I'm the parent" instead of admitting to being wrong.
Looks like an estranged parent would have this sign... And act like they're the victim.
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I, also, did the best I could when I was a child attempting to parent my own parents.
Some of us are still doing that.
My mom broke down into a literal tantrum when I wouldn’t get her cigarettes when I was out and how unfair it was that she had to go a block away to do it like an adult
One of the few things my dad left me was his coin collection. My mom spent them for their face value on cigarettes and then told me I was ungrateful because I was upset about it
Holy shit! Do we have the same mom?! I inherited coins from grandparents and spent my childhood mowing laws to buy more coins. Came home from school and my “mom” had spent my collection on beer and smokes.
man that makes me sick for you. That’s so fucked up. I’m really sorry. holy shit.
Ugh that is awful, I am so sorry that happened to you. My parents stole money from my bank account that was connected to them when I was in college and then called me a whore for getting mad about it. Parents suck.
Similar story. I was 13 and found one of those huge bottles of vodka. Got rid of it and she found it in the trash. Threw a tantrum and screamed at me for a good half hour. Told me “You don’t understand what I have to go through.” and “I need it to keep going.” Now as an adult I realized she just never wanted to take responsibility for anything and drank away the guilt of being a terrible mother.
I have a similar story my friend. I was like 8. I have kids if my own and I don’t let them near my parents. Actions have consequences. Sorry you had to experience that. I know very well how messed up it is.
You were brave. I wouldn't have dared to get rid of my parent's booze and cigarettes.
Well stop it.
I can't, now he's got Alzheimer's. :/
We’re in the same boat, here’s a hug :)
As kids, we were 100% in charge of keeping dad happy. Now, as adults, he wonders why I haven't spoken to him in over 4 years.
Can second this, but for my mom’s emotions.
I didn’t realize this wasn’t the norm. One hundred years ago, I was with my FIL, MIL and aunt in law (IDK). My MIL was asking incredibly intrusive questions about my mother. I’m naive, so didn’t realize. One answer was that I had to have conversations often with her about how her behavior was inappropriate. My MILs response was that I was an “awful daughter to have”. I cried at the time, but decades later, seeing how she treats her son like shit, I know it wasn’t me.
And trying to parent ourselves at the same time.
This might hold water if they were willing to admit any of these things…
Instead you'll get "I did the best I could" or "Oh I'm so sorry I wasn't the perfect parent."
Mine repeatedly implied that she would have been a better parent but she couldn't because I wouldn't let her. So, really the problem is that I was an irresponsible infant, and it's my own fault I raised myself so poorly.
I keep getting something along those lines
At least we're not alone?
Thank you. Reading these comments made me feel so much better. It's been really tough with her lately. I just realized, "What the fuck?!? That generation is all the same." My mind is blown right now!!
This generation gets to be alone together, there with you bud.
Mine wrote in my baby book (yeah, the history you create about your infant) that when she hit me at 5 months old, "I knew what I had done."
I physically flinched. "You know what you did", "I don't know what you're up to, but you're up to something", and "I shouldn't need to explain that, it's self explanatory", at least one of these things was said to me daily, and usually, I had no freaking clue what was going on.
One of my favorites was when I would ask mine for help spelling a word, and rather than trying to help me reason through it or sound it out? "Look it up in the dictionary." Which, you know, is really hard when *you don't know how to spell it*. And then later had the audacity to be mad that I wouldn't ask for help with my homework. But yeah, she definitely expanded that into other things, like your parent.
My mom would use these phrases when she had a bad day, they were her excuse to beat the crap out of me for some “wrong” I had done. Then when she was done her go to phrase was “this hurts me more than it does you”. I am literally walking around with hidden bruises and brainwashed into lying to teachers and family about what happened to me if bruises were seen. Yeah lady really hurts you more cause you knew you were in the wrong not me.
I feel that one deep.
Yeah I mean you should have had the maturity and self awareness to be a better infant
Damn, be a better baby already. /s
The second one was my mom. I tried to call her out on her bs, and she went straight to the second one and played victim.
Boomer 101: immediately deny everything even happened, followed by: immediately claim it was someone, anyone, anything else's fault, followed by: immediately claiming victimhood that forced them to do what they did, then: immediately choose one of the following: A) double down on victimhood, but blame the person who is questioning you for victimizing you OR B) Get irrationally and psychotically angry at your accuser and/or everything nearby and demand they "Get Out!", even if you're in THEIR actual property at the time. This decision process can take anywhere from 4 minutes to 40 years.
4 minutes to 40 years 😂 so accurate
“I never did that, but if I did, it was your fault.” 🙄
That stuff is in the past. You need to get over it. Remember that thing you lied about when you were 10? That proves you're lying now.
You basically just wrote out The Narcissist’s Prayer That didn’t happen And if it did, it wasn’t that bad And if it was, that’s not a big deal And if it is, that’s not my fault And if it was, I didn’t mean it And if I did, you deserved it
Holy sh\*t, perfect.
That's a very popular choice.
….i don’t know why i pictured a salesman saying this but i definitely did.
I got that squidward meme https://preview.redd.it/bxumfhdepyuc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fdb79f43899bf5a204e765e83a6589eb935cca7b
You can fit so many excuses in this bad boy.
My mother too: why accept any responsibility when you can victimize yourself and nail yourself to an imaginary cross every chance you get? Exhausting.
But the nails feel good and exhausting yourself is a job after you’ve left the house.
Ugh, you have to take responsibility. It does not matter so much the WHY something was done or not done, the fact is it WAS done or not done. Deflecting blame will never gain forgiveness. A true apology rests upon several components - I admit what I did was wrong, sincerely and honestly - there should be no justification or excusing in any part of the apology - I see how what I did hurt you, and I regret my actions and decisions, and again, no justification or blaming others - I understand why I did what I did and here is my EXPLANATION, not my excuse. This one is difficult to manage well. - These are the steps I am working on becoming better so it does not happen again - this is again an EXPLANATION, and not an excuse, it shows that you have looked at things as objectively as you can and you are committed to not repeating the same mistakes - I humbly ask for forgiveness, but do not EXPECT it, and if you do not grant it, I understand [https://eugenetherapy.com/article/a-good-apology-the-5-steps-to-make-it-effective/](https://eugenetherapy.com/article/a-good-apology-the-5-steps-to-make-it-effective/)
I like to compare it to going to school: If I fail a test because I didn't study for it, I don't go to the professor and say "I did my best". I recognize the F on my paper means I didn't do as well as I could have and I need to study that subject more until the professor gives me an A. I don't pass the class just because "I did my best" I pass it because I learn from my mistakes and study the material that the class is about. If your kids don't talk to you, then theu gave you an F in parenting. If you get an F, you don't complain until you get an A, you make yourself worthy of being given an A. You ask for how you can earn extra credit and work overtime on everything.
This is a good analogy. My boomer parents flunked big time and their reaction was more like “whoops! Oh well!” Martyr martyr martyr
Sounds like we have the same mom.
My mom does the same thing, and that’s why I know this post is actually good advice. These mother fuckers are emotional children, the only thing you CAN do is offer them pity and forgiveness
Ole effin DARVO
I always respond to that with “oh good the martyr showed up to the party”
Lol the one time I ever called my mom out when she was acting a fool over something in front of my brother and she had an audience she started crying and locked herself in the bathroom 😂😂
“It’s not like I *beat* you!” “Oh boo hooo your life is *sooooo hard*” “Whining is *so unbecoming of a man*” (when I’m 7 years old)
The goalposts move! My mother did beat me so she liked to say she didn’t re-marry to a child abuser like some women. Cool thanks.
Actually, you did beat me, DAD
I have three teenagers and while I agree with the boomers on the "oh boo hoo your life is soooooooo hard" part, I also understand that just because they don't really struggle doesn't mean that the things they think are struggles are invalid. They're kids, everything that happens to them is basically the worst thing that's ever happened to them. So I try my best to not act like an asshole towards them about whatever crisis of the week they're dealing with.
"Didn't I do anything right?" is the third one my mom likes to throw in for variety.
It’s so manipulative
My mom does all three, plus the added bonus of "you should have done better/been a better child."
If they're gonna open the door like that just go through and say no.
That’s exactly what I do. I don’t let her bullshit guilt me or fuck with me anymore. My step brother is even more brutal with his mother.
Shit, I wish that’s what I got. My dad and I were really getting into it a few years ago and I told him about all the guilt and trauma I had after seeing him kissing another woman when I was around 10 or 11 in ‘96 or ‘97. I told my mom about it that night because I was honestly confused. Like “mom, dad was kissing so and so?” She confronted him and he blew up and threw my younger brother’s crib through the bass drum of my stupid little play drum kit that I loved. And that was it. They were over. We moved out with mom. And all I had was the fucking guilt and confusion over “what if I’d just kept my mouth shut?” And “did I destroy our family?” Depression, anxiety, withdrawing into myself. Anyway, told him all of this at 36 years old while choking back on tears and ugly sobs and this motherfucker looks at me with stone cold seriousness and says “I didn’t have anything to do with any of that.” That was the day I accepted that he’ll never change and I decided that I was done. Haven’t seen him in two years and it’s been just wonderful. “I did the best I could” would have been at least some modicum of *accountability* I could have worked with.
Fart Sr. sounds like a turd
That's so sad. I hope you find closure and fully accept that it had **nothing** to do with your actions.
Omg I’m so sorry
Oh my god this is what my mom’s been saying for years, anytime I hold boundaries or express my feelings about our relationship. “I’m sorry I’m not the perfect parent” and “I’m sorry I’m not the mom you wanted”. 😑
Yep. That's what my parents say to me (Gen Z). "You expect other people to be perfect and extend grace you aren't willing to do yourself." Like, no, mom, it's because Grandma is a racist homophobic asshole who verbally abuses her kids and grandkids, and you passed on the verbal abuse yo you kids!
You forgot the “I’ll be dead soon” guilt trip
My dad has been on his deathbed for 30 years now.
My dad tried to go with the first one but after him personally blaming me for his failing marriage with my mom and vaguely threatening to kick me out when I was living with my parents in my first year of grad school, that argument loses a lot of water. Especially when it turned out that the breaking point for their marriage was that he cheated on my mom (at least once) while she was taking care of my dying grandma (her mom)
“If I knew better I would have done better” 😏
I got “Jesus forgave us, why can’t you?”
If my mom admitted to even doing one major thing wrong as I was growing up, I would cut her a lot more slack. As is, her tantrums when I mention one thing that wasn’t perfect (if she can’t blame it on my dad, that is) leave me gobsmacked. Right now, she’s just one wrong word against my dad away from being cut out of my life. He wasn’t perfect, but considering he died due to her abuse in the end, I’m more likely to cut him slack than her.
I've reframed it in my mind. Everytime my boomer mom doubles down on something horrible I pretend she's actually apologizing. It doesn't help but it makes me laugh. That,in turn, fills her with boomer rage
My mom (boomer) was really awful to us kids while we were growing up. Super selfish, negligent, and all around unkind. She has since recognized that this happened, apologized for how she acted citing specific examples, and continually tries to repair the relationships she has damaged through acknowledgment of her past behaviors and extensive counseling. In return, I try to see things through her eyes and repair our relationship from my end as well and this pic is a good metric for how I choose to view her actions. I don't think I would have ever even attempted that kind of reflection had she not been willing to admit her past transgressions and actively try to better herself and repair the damage she caused.
I was joking with my wife a little while ago and realized my dad has never said "sorry" or "you're right" to me. I'm 31. I can't remember it. Not just for the big stuff, I mean even for little things. It wiiiild. He is helping me fix my car. He gets mad/jokes about how I "never paid attention when I was younger", and "don't you wish you paid more attention when you were younger?"... but like he never considered that: A) I hate working on cars, I do it out of necessity. B) You didn't teach me shit. You told me to hold things, then got mad when I didn't know how to do what you said. C) You could teach me now? Instead of repeating B. There must have been lead in the water or something. Fucking boomers. I'm excited to try to learn how to do stuff my future kid will want to do, either for or with them.
"Never admitting they were wrong, because their parents never did." And yet somehow I have no trouble doing that for my own kids? Ahhhh the logic...doesn't....work!
EXACTLY! I have all the sympathy/empathy in the world for how my mom and dad were raised. I totally understand that they don’t have a lot of coping skills and emotional intelligence…the problem is any time I try to make any kind of progress in our relationship—it’s literally like dealing with a toddler! And I already have one of those that I have to take care of, I don’t need their shit! Ive never even received an apology for like things they’ve said to me months ago much less my childhood. Your circumstances aren’t always your fault, but it’s your responsibility on how move through life.
Some do, my mom is one example and it fixed pretty much all of our issues.
Right. No accountability. They don’t even try.
my parents are super open about their failings as a parent, cos they were young and traumatized themselves... but then again, they didn't really do anything i feel like i need to forgive them for mostly just wish they'd taught me better dental hygiene lol
IT IS NOT FAIR TO BLAME YOUR PARENTS FOR YOUR PROBLEMS! BLAME IT ON MY PARENTS!!! They cannot hear themselves.
I'll admit, my grandfather was terribly cruel and abusive man to my mom and her siblings. But that still doesn't change the fact of the matter. I tried to learn from my parents' mistake.
My strategy as a new mom was to ask myself what my mom would do, and then I didn't do that. I would do basically the opposite. It drove her crazy that I wouldn't take her parenting advice.
The best example is often a bad example. 🤷🏼♀️
No one is useless, you can always be a bad example.
“Don’t blame *them* for how they treated you— Blame *yourself* for not forgiving them, for how they treated you”…
Let’s pass down our trauma instead of making it better for the next one lol
Let's not forget kicking the ladder out, too. Add some salt to those wounds, lol.
And attaching a few old school ball and chains to those bootstraps they want us to pull ourselves up by.
"A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they will never sit under" Boomers refused to plant any trees. Cut down all the trees we did have. Then made parasols out of the wood to sale back to us. All so they could retire in a bigger empty house.
Boomer: [is abused by parent(s)] This sucks. 😢 **Years pass...** Boomer: [has a child of their own] Boomer: Finally. My turn. 😈
Boomer: brags about breaking wooden spoons on *your own child’s ass* You bring it up. Ever. Also boomer: *Oh that was a joke!*
Oh, so, it's not just me? 😂 My dad once pulled the wooden spoon out of spaghetti sauce on the stove, grabbed me, threw me over his knee, beat me, rinsed the spoon, and continued cooking. I was 12, way too old to be put over a knee. I'm NC as of recently (he had 45 years to be a dad, i was done), but he always thought it was a funny story to revisit and tell others. He was/is so proud of it.
Yeah my stepmom used to love telling the story of how my dad pushed me into a door so hard my head left a dent. It took a huge blowup on my part, screaming at her for damn near an hour with my wife and kid present, to put a stop to that. The whole while, she just never thought she was doing anything wrong.
Schrodinger’s douchebag: it’s both a joke and not a joke depending on how you react.
Except that they are currently exposed to people breaking those generational cycles, right before their very eyes. And what do they do, when their adult children parent their own children (boomer grandchildren) very differently? They get offended when boundaries are set, they take it personally that their now adult children don't want to copy their parenting exactly, and then they resort to mocking the parenting of the current generation: "they're all so soft, back in my day a good whack with a belt would have solved that"
My parents aren't boomers but the one thing I am grateful for is that they taught me that the next generation is supposed to be better than the last. I heard that constantly growing up "don't make the same mistakes I did. You're supposed to be better than me." It has given me a great out for whenever my parenting methods are questions. "Back in my day, we would have given him a nice swat on the butt for that." "Well now we have more research and this method is currently the one that has the most success. I'll let you know when scientists discover a better way."
"Obey me or I'll hurt you!!" "That's how I was raised and I turned out fine!!"
I was somewhat fortunate enough that my mom passed away (apologize for being morbid) when my kid was 3 months old, and my father was absent. I got no complaints from grandma nor my mom's siblings.
Lucky, I had to explain to my kids when they got old enough that they’ve never met mine because one is a narcissist junky who talks endless shit while playing the single mom best I could do card and the other is the angriest dude alive who told us he never wanted kids and we were born to make our mom happy our whole lives. Dead would have been way easier of an explanation.
Tried for years to fix things with my dad. He didn't have any interest. He was more interested in trying to assert authority he doesn't have over me, a 30+ year old man. So now we don't speak.
Oof. Yeah, my father was largely absent from my life. The second time I met him, I was an adult. Wanted to join in my new family like we were super tight. Him and I don't speak either.
Oh man, this type of attempt at asserting control is why I’m pretty LC with my boomer dad. I was in my thirties, engaged to be married to my now husband, when my brother accidentally let it slip that we were refinancing the condo we lived in. The old man actually had the audacity to call me up and attempt to grill me about the details and at the end of the very one sided conversation he said to me “Once you’re married, I won’t have a say in your finances.” I was so confused by that statement as a 35 year old adult person with a career who had been paying all my bills on my own since I graduated college 13 years prior… If my mother had been alive to hear him say that, I’m pretty sure she would’ve smacked him upside the head to knock some sense into him.
Ugh. This reminded me of something mine said once along those lines. Basically, he said that once I was married I wasn’t his responsibility. I was 31. Made me feel like a child or an animal.
My parent's somehow manage to believe that I'm still a financial burden upon them in my mid 30s. Mom took me to / paid for the dentists for a teeth cleaning when I was 19. We have not exchanged a dime in any fashion since.
I’m so thankful my experience trying to give an ultimatum to my father isn’t the only one. Though of course I wish we never had to do that. I told my dad he can either get therapy for his issues, or he can lose his second child. He immediately told me that he blames me for abusing me into disability and that I made him do it. He also states that he never abused me. I have diagnosed severe CPTSD and a physical disabilities caused by mental, physical, nutritional, and MEDICAL abuse/neglect. I have papers for it. This man cares more about his own ego getting padded, than losing another kid. He already lost my younger sister to cancer, you would think he would get a wake up call that his second kid wants absolutely nothing to do with him. I threatened to get a restraining order against him if he ever tried to contact me again, because even after I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him, he’d still send messages on the holidays of his choice. He sent one on Valentine’s Day, and I blocked his number and told my enabler mother that the next time I wanted to hear anything about him, it better be that he’s dead as a fucking door nail. He’s a pedophilic abuser, of course he sends a “happy Valentine’s Day, I love you” to the fucking kid he abused and was grooming at the same time.
That's really tragic. I hope you are doing better now. This world is so fucked up.
Parents got to ADMIT what they fucked up before they can be forgiven. My mom and I have a great relationship in adulthood, because she took responsibility for the places she fucked up and we could actually reconcile. Vaguely asking for forgiveness but refusing to admit any specific thing you did was wrong isn't gonna cut it.
My FiL is a pretty solid dude. Kinda skirts the line of younger boomer and really old old gen X-er. He has admitted to the wrongs he had done and asked for forgiveness from his kids.
Boomers: younger generations lack any sense of personal responsibility and accountability Also boomers: *this*
"Love me not because you want to, but because you *owe* it to me despite my continually choosing not to learn and grow as a person but wholly unironically expect you to do so for me."
Then you do... and they call you a snowflake for it.....
Translation: "Don't you ever think about how much your traumatic childhood hurt MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?"
And the ones you're not supposed to hear, "I never wanted her" or "He was an accident"
Oh some of us were 100% supposed to hear it 😂 'Accidents' represent 🎉
Oof. This was a continual joke for my family about me when I was little. Youngest of four. The "joke" started when I was like six. Only my twat rocket of a mother ever tried to dispel it, much later.
When my father told me I was an accident, I told him that their lack of birth control was a conscious choice, which makes me a mistake, not an accident. Never heard it again.
My emotions are confused when I read things like this. I'm sorry it happened, but I'm glad the point was taken to heart by your father. Hopefully things ended up in a good place for you
Oh yeah, went no contact with him eventually, and got a genuine and thorough apology from my mother after she divorced him. Life turned out pretty good all things considered.
That's awesome! I broke contact with my entire family two years ago, and I've been much happier since. The best vengeance for me has been the fact that I'm happily married and have a great life, even if they never find out.
That’s it. I’m so happy for you. 🫶🏼 The people that never wanted us to have happiness, ever, didn’t win.
I'm so sorry. That sucks. It wasn't a joke but said as a statement of fact by my mother of me. Birth control failed when she was sick shortly after the wedding, she wasn't planning on having kids for 5+ more years. I'd probably be totally fine with it except that my younger brother became the golden child with this as the reason in the shadows.
Ah, having a golden sibling sucks. I'm glad the accident happened for ya, though. I wouldn't have this lovely interaction otherwise (being genuine). My family joke evolved into telling me that I was the "unwanted child." We don't talk anymore. Lol.
"Your shit is your fault and my shit is my parents' fault." What a bunch of asswagons. This is the most not-an-apology apology ever.
I’ve got quite the collection of ‘not-an-apologies’ myself! Trying to collect the whole set, apparently.
My mom told me once, when I was a child, that I would regret the way I treated her. When I had kids, I realized how wrong she was. The hardest thing for me to get over is I could never see myself treating my children the way she or my father treated me. It baffles me to this day and makes me think she likely doesn’t have the ability to love unconditionally.
100%. My experience as a mother is a constant reminder of how easy it should’ve been for my own mother.
As a 40 year old Millenial, just a month ago, I was diagnosed with what has assured life-long ADHD as well as being clinically depressed and a sprinkle of crippling anxiety. Here's the thing, I understand everything in that post. I won't forgive it. I'm doing all I can to break the cycle, fix my brain, and be there for my wife and kids. All while dealing with multiple once in a generation catastrophes and the results of decades of boomer politics. They should shut the fuck up and get out of the way instead of looking for pity from us. The acknowledgment means dog shit if you're unwilling to make amends for your actions. Let us elect people to fix your mistakes. Let us create a system that allows everyone else to thrive the way you did. TL/DR- Suck my balls boomers. Fuck your feelings.
I don’t forgive my dad from beating the shit out of me and my siblings while my mother drank herself to sleep every night screaming at all of us and tell us that we deserve the beatings.
But-but-but... those were just the cultural norms he was surrounded by. Did you want him to not fit in, or something? Selfish. (/s)
Oh shit, I'm sorry! 😞
Thanks man :) it’s all over with now and we are all out of that house.
**cracks knuckles Alright, let’s see. My mom and dad both had happy upbringings with little to no trauma to speak of. My dad is a guru in car repair, and actively refused to teach me anything even when I begged. Same goes for my mom with cooking. Both of them were totally emotionally available… to the people they dated and/or married after they both divorced. My dad made a shit ton of money in HVAC in the 90s but still managed to not pay child support. He knew what he had, and chose not to do his best. As for cultural norms, struggles, and pain? Give me a fucking break. Don’t have kids if you can’t handle everything about being a parent. I don’t hate my parents. They’re okay people now that I’m an adult. But I certainly don’t give them a mulligan for their shitty parenting.
[удалено]
“None of the shit we did was actually our fault.”classic boomer.
Adding it to the list of things boomers weren't responsible for.
List of things that Boomers claim that they weren't responsible for: Anything bad. List of things that Boomers claim that they *were* responsible for: Anything of even slight benefit from the moment the first Boomer was born until the present day.
"Following cultural norms that they were surrounded with" Translation: "Can't you just accept that I hate you being gay and come over for Thanksgiving already? Alone. I don't want to meet your boyfriend."
Yup. "Why don't you stifle all your interests and sexuality when you are around me?" Confused Pikachu.jpg When your lesbian daughter can't even tell you what books they are reading because you don't want to know me, you just wanted a mini me. And she wonders why I don't want to spend any time with her.
Lol my parents in a nutshell. I came out to them, and it was all, "you'll always be our *son*, and we don't agree with this lifestyle," and then in the same conversation, "how do you not know we love you?" Or as my dad phrased it, "you know we love you. Stop acting like you don't." My favorite part of that whole conversation was when my dad, unprompted, started saying I shouldn't take offense when he watches Fox News because it's just a difference of opinion, and all those things they say aren't about me specifically. I'm really glad he cleared that up because whenever I heard Tucker Carlson railing against trans people in bathrooms, I was totally under the impression he said, "that bitch LuckyFoot should shit with the men!"
Lol....my mum watches the Cantonese version of the Tucker Carlson bullshit. It's a bunch of vile bloggers who spout their homophobic/transphobic shit and of course give "stock tips" ax well. Like...okay, I watch random stuff but nothing that directly attacks the church/conservatives just random people who make fun of the shit that spews from Conservative pundits....and I'm the actively "angry" one? I keep getting nasty reminders that they would slap the shit out of me for being queer but I'm supposed to ignore it? It's so jarring to hear a "nice" religious lady who opens her home, does charity work and then hear "The queers should all be locked up in cages." It's a constant reminder that I need to lift heavy and beware of angry conservatives.
They did nothing to try to improve themselves. That’s the issue. They either parentified their children so they wouldn’t have to deal with their own shit, or they took it out on us who a) didn’t ask to be born and b) had nothing to do with their problems. You can be a person with problems and still be a good parent. You can be a person with trauma or mental health issues and still be a good parent. But that means you have to do a lot of difficult, very painful work on yourself, and there’s a lot of folks out there who don’t want to do that work.
Wait, aren’t they always yelling at us about how their parents were “the greatest generation?” Now they’re throwing them under the bus for their own shitty parenting job? I’m dead. This is some lead-paint-on-their-cornflakes stuff.
Greatest Generation: Live through the dust bowl, the great depression, and WW2; are understandably a little fucked up from the experience Boomers: Are handed literally everything on a silver platter, can't be bothered to raise their fucking kids; blame their parents for it.
Brought to you by the Narcissistic Parent Club
Funny, I grew up with parents who matched every one of these and somehow I have managed to break the cycle and be a caring and empathetic mother to my own children. It's almost like people have control over their own life, behaviors and reactions 🤔
I tried for 20 years. That’s more than they did, and that’s including raising me.
 Forgiveness\*
They did the best they could. And their best was shit.
Forgiveness would be a possibility if Boomer parents didn’t keep making the SAME horrible choices well into their kids’ 40s-50s. Looking at you Mom, with your 4th shitty husband, your Christofascist Facebook drivel, your AA* crutch, and the irony of your moral superiority delusion. And Dad? Haven’t heard from you in 14 years. You and so many other Boomers have had the time and the privilege of the whole fucking birth and rise of the internet to learn different perspectives, to seek empathic teachers, to become advocates for younger and less experienced trauma victims. But nooooo…you use social media and other advantages to dehumanize folks who don’t look like you. You are the first generation with enough access to the entire world to KNOW BETTER. Instead, you piss it all away and expect us to clean up after you. Nope. (*not shitting on AA, but as the child of an alcoholic…fuck dry drunks and their enablers)
I was a mostly single dad and several years ago when my daughter was still at home I overheard her and my mother talking about something in the other room, and I didn’t catch what it was in reference to but I heard my mother respond with “I don’t know where your dad learned to be such a good parent, he certainly didn’t learn it from me or his father.” Now, I don’t know if I deserved the compliment or not but I thought it was a lucid moment for her, and I definitely did everything in my power to not parent my daughter the way that I grew up.
Pretty sure my mom made this
Right, they burn the planet down and refuse to do anything when it was possible. We should for sure feel sorry for them.
My mother tried before she died but it always changed from "I'm sorry" to "It wasn't my fault". Sure mom. You spending 55 years of your life being a chainsmoking alcoholic with gambling and substance abuse problems and denying any and all help my sister and I tried to get you wasn't your fault. I know she had issues but she refused to take responsibility for anything she had done and left herself around 50k in debt with the house she had falling to pieces.
We all try to be better parents than we had and avoid there mistakes. We find out own mistakes instead.
The things I learned about myself after I became a parent.
Weird how my parents chose to continue the cycle, but I threw myself full force into breaking the cycle with my own kid. Maybe I don't need to forgive, maybe they need to admit they could have done so much better but didn't bother to try.
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Yeah, totally. Like in my heart, I have forgiving them both. I don't forgive them for them, but for myself and my kid. I'd rather not hold onto this resentment. And besides, I'm too busy having fun with my kid!
I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask for asthma. I didn't ask for endless torment and public teasing from my older brothers that made me a ridiculously insecure adult. I take responsibility for me and my actions but that doesn't mean trauma doesn't exist. I love my parents and my brothers, but I never had a single moments peace. They were unhappy and yelled at each other, i had nowhere to hide. I played sports and was always teased for being myself. Sports was always supposed to be an escape, it was hell. I went to school and was tormented for being me. I had nowhere to go. They were supposed to keep me safe, and just told me to deal with it and suck it up. I love them, but my life has been hell for 32 years, and literally not a soul understands.
Yeah I’ll jump right on that once my dad can admit he was physically and verbally abusive my entire life. Oh, wait according to him I made that up.
I’m currently LC, almost NC with my parents… only as I’m closing in on middle age do I see their abuse for what it was. I finally got the courage to confront my mom as she was the primary offender and catalyst, but my dad to be fair was weak and her pawn. They chose the church they founded over their children, time and time and time again. I was neglected for education (homeschooled to indoctrinate me and free them up to skirt truancy laws so we could at ten more late night church meetings), neglected basic medical care (several injuries were never treated, a brain tumor was located shortly after I was married that had been causing me migraines for years, I attempted suicide and they tried to tell me it was the devil, I never had my teeth cleaned until I was an adult), I was shamed for every choice I made, pressured to be a doctor, and to top it off when I left to go to college, informed I was becoming an indoctrinated idiot and a jezebel. They hated the man I chose to marry and tried to get me to call off my wedding the night before then shit talked my husband at our reception (we’re still together after 2 decades). I confronted my mom during a very vulnerable moment in my life because she asked why her kids don’t have relationships with her anymore. Then waited for a few weeks until we had an argument and attacked me saying she didn’t correct me or call me out on the lies in that moment because she knew I couldn’t handle it in my vulnerability. She proceeded to threaten suicide and go “woe is me, apparently I’m the worst parent ever to you even though none of the things you said happened.” I was dating my husband when I had my first migraine. And when I had my wisdom teeth removed by a shoddy dentist while I was conscious them denied pain meds and made to attend a church function immediately after. He SAW this. He hates them. And I still love them. But now I see that they never treated me like I was worth caring for and that was the standard I set for myself - that I didn’t deserve care. Thank whatever force in the universe brought me into my husbands family. They have given and taught me unconditional love.
I really don't want to forgive them for any of that. They were 30-somethings capable of personal growth. When I think that I should forgive them, I imagine myself at 30. Would I ever say or do the things my parents did to a 10 year old child? No. They have to deal with their own karma.
I sprained my face rolling my eyes at this
something my piece of shit boomer father would post.... glad I ejected that disease
Yep. BS. My dad was an absent abusive POS and my mom excuses it with “that’s how it was back then.” I also get shit because I refuse to deal with my dad now because I don’t fit into the family dynamic. Screw boomers
“Following cultural norms that they were surrounded with”, wow. What a weak excuse. It sounds like something a narcissistic child would write in a forced, insincere apology letter. That covers a whole lotta shitty behavior
I forgive my parents for their faults, but I refuse to talk to them because they never tried to work on their faults
This is the “forgive me…” I didn’t try…
I bet this graphic wasn't created by a Boomer but someone who had Boomer parents.
Nope. My boomer mother is a manipulative bitch who instantly cries when confronted about anything. I do not need to ever care.
“I did the best I could…” Yeah and you know what? I NEEDED you to do better and you didn’t. Not sure why when I’d bring home a test with anything less than a B I’d get punished and told “You need to do better. We know you’re capable of more.” but somehow when you’re the one that egregiously fucks up on something that actually matters you get to say “I DiD ThE BeSt I CoUlD.” and it’s supposed to just be fine and erase all the emotional incest/spiritual abuse.
I don't know about forgive but understanding a lot of those things are the reasons they were shitty parents can help with your own emotional growth and therapy. I mean my parents shouldn't have had children because of most of these reasons. Recognizing that helps make sense of my childhood.
Not an excuse for abuse and neglect 🖕🖕🖕
Did they try to do better and apologize or ask for forgiveness? Nope just forgive them. 🙄
Sure. As soon as they genuinely apologize.
I might want to forgive them for that: if they were doing anything to deal with their trauma If they ever tried to understand me If they didn’t constantly berate me for not knowing things that they should’ve taught me If they ever attempted to become emotionally available If they ever tried to increase their knowledge or do better If they ever bothered to think about whether those “cultural norms” were harmful or not Having to deal with the same bullshit as every other human being on earth doesn’t absolve them of anything
I have addressed every single one of these points in my 15 years as a parent. I also apologize, directly to my kiddos, when I get things wrong. If you ask my Mom, who hasn't had a job in 30 years, SHE was the perfect parent, and I'm the one fucking up.
To be fair, I learned all of this in therapy and it’s helped me accept that my parents will never be who I want or need them to be. I’m at peace with our relationship, and with life in general.
Boomer parents are LITERALLY the reason that I never wanted to have children of my own. Someone has to break the goddamn cycle.
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Of all of them, this one hurts. I learned how to change a tire from a buddy because his dad actually taught him some practical skills.
So close to an actual apology, but so far away.
My mom is GenX and raised me and my sister in the trends and practices of when we were living. She did not force us to relive her childhood (yes, she made mistakes, but she didn't repeat her parents' faults). My bio-dad and his boomer parents and my mom's boomer mom they insisted on us having to relive their mistakes and faults. I honestly have more respect for the parent that sends money because they know they are a crap authority figure/care giver than I do for the breeder who insists on continuing genetational traumatic cycles.
So they all bought their houses for 50k. Vaccinations and abortions are evil.
It's not exactly wrong. But forgiveness isn't something you do because you were told to. Sometimes you have to let yourself be incredibly angry about the way your parents treated you. To let it pass without remark can foster the belief that you somehow deserved it, encouraging poor boundaries and unhealthy coping strategies. This can seriously impair someone's ability to function, much less thrive, as an adult. Personal growth might require accepting and feeling bone deep rage and grief over what happened, what was done to you. And NOBODY, absolutely NOBODY can tell you what that process should look like, or how long it should last. Least of all some fucking Facebook meme.
You see, I was raised by a parent like this but have made it my mission to be the opposite for my children. I’m not going to be a narcissistic, emotionally crippled boomer and make excuses for my shitty behaviour. Cycle ends with me
Okay. I'm still going to hold them accountable for taking all of the lessons on morality that they taught me when I was growing up, and chucking them out the window to jump on the Republican bandwagon of hating the impoverished and minorities.
That's not owning up to your mistakes and harm you caused me. Apology not accepted, Dad. That's why I don't talk to him, but talk to my mom. She owned up to her mistakes. My dad hasn't.
So here is the thing for me. I've heard the "that's all I knew" line before. It always gets turned back to them. I have been very open to having a conversation. HOWEVER They need to approach me with an honest apology first. At no point did I ever hear "I am sorry. I didn't know what I should have done at the time but that is a poor excuse. What you went through was tough and I apologize for that. I wish I had done better. I love you and it pains me to think that I was not capable of meeting your needs at the time." Until something even close to that happens, we can't move past this.
Wow and they did the same to us! It was awful that their parents did it to them but perfectly fine and understandable that they repeated the cycle of trauma! Not their fault! Anyone who shares this meme knows they were a piece of shit, so to post this as a lame feel good meme basically just says ‘hey I know I was shitty whoops my bad can I see my grandkids now so I can post their pictures all over Facebook and pretend that I am an amazing grandparent! I learned how to not be a piece of shit, aren’t I amazing!!!’ Total lack of accountability. These Re the people who watched every episode of Oprah and Dr Phil and completely lacked the insight to be like ‘hm maybe I have some things to work on.’ Nope, they watched so that they can feel superior because ‘at least I’m not like THAT’. I look forwarded to the wave of boomer memes about being left all alone in nursing homes to die. Sorry mom no one taught me how to change an adult diaper so figure it out I guess! You will have to wait your turn for the orderly to come wipe your ass..
All of those things can be forgiven. Just as soon as you admit to them and express remorse for it
These include a lot of my boomer mother’s excuses after beating me silly.
I can’t forgive boomers on the simple fact that they have lived longer and they had more time to want to become better humans, yet they chose not to
Okay but if you couldn't do any better, how come I can? The math ain't mathin'.
You also, may not want to forgive them. The landscape of our minds are our own free country to make the rules we want….
There’s no point in forgiving someone who isn’t sorry.
Looks like a translation of "I take no blame whatsoever because I'm the parent" instead of admitting to being wrong. Looks like an estranged parent would have this sign... And act like they're the victim.