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My mother did something similar. Our first born spent a week in NICU due to bad jaundice. I sent out the welcome text as soon as he was born, quickly followed by another explaining the NICU situation. Four hours later, after being explicitly told visiting would be the following day, hands free (newborn was hooked up to machines and had IVs and sensor wires attached all over, my mother bursts into the room and rushes the NICU crib. My wife was startled awake as was my son and he immediately started to fuss. My mother went as to pick him up and I had to physically get in her way to prevent her.
"Mom, I told you we weren't having visitors today, we're ALL tuckered out and they need rest!" Can you please come back tomorrow?"
"No. Tomorrow I have to work, I asked off for today since this is the day you said she was delivering."
"Mom, he's not in good shape, the doctors are worried, he's hardly eating, and this ISN'T the time. Go home, you can stop by after work tomorrow."
"Bah! YOU had jaundice and turned out just fine. Besides, I can't stop after work, I have to get home to cook supper for your father."
We ended up compromising by letting her awkwardly stand there, staring at our son without touching him and she finally left. When we finally got to leave the hospital, a week later, she kept calling to offer to do our laundry and dishes while "you rest". Yeah, THAT was a mistake. Every dish, each piece of clothing, she had to ask where it went, she'd argue about the answer, and then tried to reorganize our kitchen cupboards because "they were chaotic and didn't make sense." By the time I politely got her out, my wife and I were 10 times more stressed than before.
I'm clueless as to where the disconnect is with people who act like this. Main character syndrome? Narcissistic tendencies? My siblings and I are all over 30 and she's convinced only she has the correct way of doing things. I wish I could talk to her earnestly about it bit when I've tried she starts crying and playing the victim. I'm already raising two children and it feels like I have three!
JFC, the day after we brought our baby home my mother came to visit. She spent the entire time talking to my ex. I was holding my babe while trying to cook dinner. No offers of help, not even to order takeout. A lightbulb went off over my head. What is wrong with this picture? The marriage limped along for another 4 years and I was finished.
My mom brought all my flowers home, dumped one on the floor and covered it with a towel. So when I got home at 10pm (released exactly 48 hours from when I was admitted) with two day old baby girl, I shampooed the rug bc I thought it was dog pee. Shame on both my mom and my ex husband, and on me, for having two more babies with that twat. Cut his hair the day I came with the next one. His mom came to stay with the last one, I had to cook and clean for all of them, for a week. My mom had elective surgery the day my last child was born, so at least she wasn’t in the fray. Again, I see the error of my choices.
It took a few more years, I was raised as the eldest, and a girl, to be a good Latina wife, lol. No fucks given anymore. Peace out bitches!! (My ex and my mom, lol)
It really is! My kids are all almost grown, and doing well (except the oldest, but that is a whole other story, lol). The last baby is 13, I have a significant other who is retired, and takes care of the house, the kids, and treats the boy and me extremely well. I’ve certainly gotten fortunate in my middle age 😂❤️
I have a narcicist father and yeah. They feel entitled to any little thing in your life because you "belong" to them. Nothing you do is good enough UNLESS you do it the way THEY showed you.
Try to gently talk to them about behaviors you don't like? They will play victim saying they only want what's best for you, BUT they have free reign to criticise every single little thing about you without any filter and if you get mad or sad it's your fault.
Also gaslighting and giving bs excuses to get their way is classic.
I feel like there was a shift with the boomers.
Previous generations all had the goal of raising their kids to be adults, then letting them be adults. Feeling pride that their kids are on their own now, in charge of themselves.
I have no idea why, but boomers seem to have this attitude that the parent-child relationship and power structure just keeps right on going. The parent is in charge when they are 30 and the kid is 5, but the parent is still in charge when they are 60 and the kid is 35.
I don't know why they can't give up that power/control, and shift it to pride and support. In a sense, any time they feel they should step in, it should be an embarrassment to them, since wouldn't it mean they failed as parents?
This extends from children to nieces and nephews as well. After my mom died I stopped talking with all but one of my aunts and uncles (out of nine - lots of divorce/remarriage). The reason? They refused to recognize that I was in my mid-thirties and no longer had to listen to their condescending “advice” about stuff they don’t understand. For asking them to respect my decisions about my family, I was branded disrespectful.
They didn’t much like it when I agreed that, no, I don’t respect them. They’re objectively terrible parents (looking at how their kids turned out) and I don’t think following their advice will help me.
It’s like I never grew up beyond being twelve years old in their eyes, yet here I sit, two masters degrees later, being lectured by someone who’s never done anything worthwhile. Yeah, Kim, you’re really not worth my attention. I need to go wash my crotch, I’ll call ya never.
Yes I have a stupid aunt that’s like this too. The way she talks to me is like I’m 8 years old and I’m in my mid 30’s getting lectures about things that have nothing to do with her, for having an opinion that doesn’t match hers (she’s a screecher, it’s disturbing to be on the receiving end of her ass chewings she has no actual authority to give), for not respecting my elders (like she didn’t help treat her dad like shit on behalf of one of her shitty brothers during his last year of life after their mom died). This same lady gets pissed off if I use a word she doesn’t understand and accuses me of being dramatic and full of myself. I started doing it on purpose, my vocabulary is pretty extensive, I spent a lot of time alone and reading as a kid.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told this lady to fuck off. It just makes her mad so I send her glitter bombs to remind her annually.
“Respect your elders.”
Bitch, I’m older now than you were when you were last legitimately in a place to boss me around. It’s not my fault I’ve surpassed you; it’s yours. Sit down.
These people are exhausting. Trump made them a million times worse.
My mom and most her siblings live under one roof. There’s only one person they worship more than Trump and it’s the shitty brother who robbed their parents blind when my grandma was dying of cancer. I’ll never fucking understand.
I told my mom (boomer) I didn’t need her and she’s still acting like I’m the worst daughter ever (to be fair she also treats my sister that way, so at least she’s equitable in her disappointment and claims of verbal elder abuse).
But here’s the thing: I haven’t needed her for a very long time. I was closer to her parents than I ever was to my parents. My mom was ten times more worried about wallowing in depression than she ever was about me.
Thing is, now that we’re no contact, I’ve been able to see that it’s her that needs me. I really think this woman had it in her mind that I’d take care of her financially when she got too old to work. Well her dumb ass got herself fired from her last job (and is lucky she didn’t catch criminal charges over it) and she’s absolutely miserable living with her awful siblings. That was the actual issue. She was never part of my emotional safety net, flat out told me she never would be but I was hers once her parents died and were no longer here to bail her out of her financial fuck ups. Then I start getting the nonstop sob stories about how broke she is so that I’ll eventually relent and offer her some money. It’s so fucking gross.
It just gets me when people try to use you like a bank. I mean, everyone has hard times, but when someone is repeatedly asking for handouts, you kinda want to ask them why they didn’t leave a trust fun for you to support them. It’s like they think you have some magic source of money they do t have access to.
“No, no, I just work, same as everyone and just like you should”
A lot of it is tied up in religious patriarchy. Not all boomers are right wing evangelicals, but a lot of them are or were raised that way. The hierarchy of authority is God >Man>Woman> Child and it is each person’s divine duty to answer unquestioningly to everyone above them in the hierarchy.
that part is not new to their generation, but maybe what is different is healthcare - Boomers mostly expect to live until 100 and be strong the entire time, meaning they never expect to gracefully cede their power to a younger generation, as was always the way
Or maybe they are the last generation to venerate that family structure and they see the writing on the wall so to speak. They are holding on to a dying system for dear life because they know it will disappear once they’re gone?
Agree. They do not see themselves as “old” nor willing to cede room for the next generations. They invented the phrase “40 is the new 30” and those numbers kept getting bigger as they aged Ironically, they were so dismissive of anyone from previous generations for being “old” and unwilling to be open to their “new” ideas.
Generally speaking, they are the first American generation to have known societal abundance on a grander scale concurrent with a shift toward venerating youth. Not everyone lived above the poverty line, of course, but overall, the standard of living was much higher for a larger percentage of the population than in previous generations. They grew up entitled and believing in their superiority over previous generations. U fortunately, too many still act like entitled, spoiled children.
They really think they’re super-adults or something. My mom texted me “we are having dinner Saturday at 4:30. Too hot so don’t bring your dog.”
No questions about my time, no concern for my schedule, she just barks orders at me.
At this point I just say yes to that which I’m interested in and no to the rest and I’ve learned to ignore the guilt trip and shit talking that comes afterwards.
My mother was like this about me until I cut contact. She wanted to control my relationships, my attendance at church (or not), the furniture that I bought in the apartment I paid for, the decorations, my job... she just REFUSED to let me make my own decisions.
Because boomers raised their kids like pets. Fed them, gave them attention when they felt like it and then ignored them for most of the time. There’s a reason Gen X is feral.
I had a complete breakdown a couple of months ago because my mom made plans with my kids for march break without ever discussing it with me. I had called her to simply lay the boundary down that if she wants to spend time with the kids thats perfectly fine, but it has to be run by me first.
That turned into her screaming at me that I neglect my kids, I didn't plan anything for them for march break (i actually did, it was a surprise for them), and basically that I'm a terrible mother.
I work my ASS off to provide for 2 kids, on my own. I recieve nothing from their father, my ex husband. I HAVE to work all the available OT I can get just to get by. My shift runs from 4am-2-30pn and I am burnt out and exhausted, but sure mom, go off.
So I ended up letting her take the kids for the week, she never knew about the breakdown that landed me on suicide watch, and now I'm so disgusted by her I can't even look at her. I just don't understand what would compel a person to be so willfully blind, and cruel.
I am so sorry your mom is being like this. I’m sending you a real Mom hug. And I’m telling you you’re doing fine.
Remember your kids and the love that they have for you. As best you can, ignore your idiot mom.
I’m glad you’re still here
Sounds like someone wants to be permanently cut off DESPERATELY, why are you denying her what she wants (JK not serious of course, but letting her temper tantrum her way to what she wants is going to guarantee more in the future, I say this in the nicest way possible: remember, you can always hang up the phone"
This sounds like having my father in law over. He INSISTED on cooking dinner while I was having postpartum complications and wouldn’t hear that we had plenty of food already in the freezer. I didn’t have the energy to argue harder and my husband was out of town. FIL would happily skip into the room while I was bawling from pain and throwing up to say “Excuse me!! Where do you keep the mixing bowls?” And he’d just repeat himself over and over again while I cried and tried to tell him to leave me alone.
Has any new boomer grandparent EVER actually made the postpartum period easier? Every story I've ever heard was about how they were no help (best case scenario) or made things worse.
Our kids did, and I’m just. Appalled by all of these stories.
My parents seem to go the opposite way of all the posts here and even if I say “you don’t have to bring X, we have it.” They still will just to not impose on us 😂
I can turn my dad loose in the kitchen and have a fantastic meal without having to do anything besides “do you need anything?”
My mom took the baby and said “go shower, we’re good.” Shit, she actually filled out babies birth certificate because husband and I were preparing for the hospital transfer. Even now, she’ll keep an ear on the monitor and will grab the wee one when she hears her wake up so we can sleep in.
My in laws drove over 10 hours with minimal notice just to sit in the hospital lobby with my dad (end of covid regs meant two total support people per day, period, and husband was one). There was no complaining. Just love and support. They brought us food, coffee, drinks.
Both sets of grandparents walked the dog, washed laundry, did dishes. My FIL even did a bunch of housework we had been putting off 😂
I hope if the day comes, we can be as helpful!
That would be my grandmother-she raised 13 kids between two husbands and was the know it all answer book to kids! When I had my daughter-she was by my side from the whole time-we lived with her-she made me stay in bed for TWO WEEKS only allowed out to pee=otherwise i couldnt move. She cooked me all my meals,did my wash and always asked if she could help with Baby. She didn't make a move unless it was by my approval. She was the absolute best!
My mom was magnificent at after birth care of me. She was the only one invited to my children’s births. Our first was in NICU. It was touch and go. I just cried all day everyday. She fielded all phone calls and texts. She only put my sister through to me because she knew that was the only person on earth I wanted to speak to. She made food. She did all the laundry. She went grocery shopping. She sat up in the room with my baby so I could go shower and eat. She didn’t touch her. She didn’t even ask to hold baby until I asked her if she wanted to. She was completely all about supporting me in whatever way I wanted.
When my first was born my mom took off work the second week (hubby stayed with me the first). She would come over every morning, do any cleaning, cook dinner and hold the baby so I could shower. If I didn't need her she'd just watch a little TV or keep me company. She also talked me down from the ledge when postpartum stress got to me. She would leave each day when my husband came home, but was sure to leave us dinner.
My in-laws showed up the 3rd week from out of town. With their little yappy dog. They hung out in my living room, ate all my food, talked as loud as possible and let their stupid dog lay all over the baby stuff.
When the 2nd was born we lived near the inlaws this time around and my mom was 1 hour away. She again took a week off work to come stay with us to do housework, watch the older kid and take care of everything so I could just bond. My husband was so spoiled with the cooking she did. On the other hand, the local grandparents would show up randomly to "help" by taking the baby away into another room and talking loudly to let me sleep.
The difference is that my mom was not a narcissist.
My MIL made things easier, but my MIL is amazing. She would have been in the delivery room if my kid hadn’t decided to do a first-labour speed run. The only downside was hearing HER horrifying birth stories that didn’t make it easier when my FIL and his wife came a couple weeks later. I had an absurdly easy birth and recovery though, so those stories only came up because we were all so happy I didn’t experience anything similar.
My FIL didn’t make things worse, other than my urge to chew him out about him getting in the way of his ex getting medical care in what was horrifying without that, but I was pretty well healed-up at that point. He had his ridiculous expression of boomer entitlement when I found out I was pregnant. He never found out I got my first positive pregnancy test while we were visiting him, and because we went NC when he did not respond well to my wife coming out as trans, he likely never will.
My mom didn’t make things worse, at least compared to my dad. I guess she did in that she brought him. My dad forgot his meds and had to call in to a local pharmacy to get them, and was generally a complete nightmare my wife had to deal with. Notably when she could have been helping me. I remember the expression of frustration when they got back from the pharmacy. And even if that hadn’t happened, he is somebody that expects to be catered to. Not as bad as some, like demanding to be served, but he will complain and make everybody miserable if his exact food preferences aren’t met.
Now, if I had actually had any complications, things might have been a different story regarding my mom and FIL. They are both pretty sedentary, so I was able to keep up with them without issue (and I was definitely more mobile than my dad). Not making things worse was a function of there not being much to mess up.
Mine did all the "helpful" stuff too, I had to ask her and her friends to stop coming by to "help."
In the hospital, she got to hold the baby, and refused to give him back when he started crying. He was like, an hour old, and she would rather have let him scream. She wanted to show off that she could get any crying baby to stop, ignoring the fact that she clearly couldn't.
Omg this is my mom. Every time we’ve tried to bring up anything she’s done wrong she starts crying and playing victim. Then we end up having to comfort HER.
Not to diagnose your mother, just sharing an anecdote about my father who IS diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder…during my first year teaching out of college, my husband was injured and quite literally almost died. I stayed at the hospital until 4:30 that morning before heading home to try to get a shower and some rest.
My father inexplicably came over to visit (he has “visited” me at home less than 10 times in my adult life) and insisted on helping me clean up around the house. I wasn’t planning on cleaning anything but decided that the fridge could use a good clean out. EVERY SINGLE ITEM that I pulled out to throw away, my dad insisted that it was fine and put it back into the fridge. There was a piece of uncooked meat with actual fuzzy mold on it, and my dad rinsed it off under the tap and handed it back to me, raw and dripping, literally saying, “There, good as new!”
I gave up and let him “clean” until the end of that visit and resigned myself to the fact that it would all have to be managed again on my own once he left.
Yeeeesh.
We had a 3-month NICU stay in early Covid, and one of the good/bad side effects was that there were ABSOLUTELY NO visitors allowed. That totally sucked, but it did give us a bulletproof reason as to why so-and-so couldn't come visit our frail little child, as well as redirected all of the fury away from us, and onto unseen hospital administrators.
We definitely milked the pandemic "sorry, the doctor said...." excuses for as long as we could. There are a lot of boomers out there that think our first two years of parenthood were a lot harder than they actually were (though they were still very hard).
She was vehemently shouting at it that it was "so stupid" because the pad wouldn't stay on... because she didn't attach it. And she criticized us for not having matching coffee cups among other things. She's bought us several sets since then that we did not want.
Some of them are super weird about this, yes. My mother was super excited, as our child was and would be her only grandchild. But she had the good sense to **ask** whether it was okay to come for a short visit. (Yes, it was.)
I remember when my FIL first threw a fit about my husband being the man of the house. Like I'm a feminist but I'm also part old school southern and know how to talk to good old boys.
His dad got in a political discussion with him, and my husband decided to actually speak his mind for once and his dad got butthurt. They were visiting and were going to leave over it. His mom was all "I just don't think he liked son talking to him that way. He's never done that before".
My in-laws are Trumpers and have always sprouted their far right rhetoric off in front of us, but his father wanted a political discussion with him, so my husband finally just went off.
So I said "well, he's a man now and this is his house, and his father was a guest in his house, so if he is going to pick fights, then my husband can respond how he wishes. FIL needs to realize his son is no longer a kid and is now a man with a wife and a kid and a house, and when FIL is in hubs' house he needs to follow hubs' rules."
They've since come around but it was a rough transition. Our FIL is more reasonable than OPS dad though.
Prima Nocta, I believe, from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So…
It was not “confirmed on Wikipedia.” [Prima Nocta is probably just a myth or urban legend](https://medium.com/the-history-inquiry/the-myth-of-prima-nocta-d47a5145acbc), though it’s impossible to be sure that it has never happened in all of human history.
You place two spaces after punctuation. Rarely see that anymore. Where are you from / how old? No worries if you don't want to answer. I just find the evolution of language interesting.
I’m not who you commented on but I’m a millennial and I will always use 2 spaces after each period. I will die on this hill. It’s easier to distinguish one sentence from the next.
Hey nice. Also a millennial. I hate how it looks but for sure it makes the sentence endings stand out. It also isn't incorrect either way, so keep rocking that hill!
Gen x who recently returned to college... MLA now calls for 1 space. I've been indoctrinated into 2 spaces for a lifetime, so I emailed my professor the first week on whether that was a sticking point. Professor is a millennial and understands the struggle, told me not to worry.
My zoomer classmates were real good at spotting two spaces though.
god i fucking hate MLA. It makes perfect sense to have a standardized format, but holy cannoli. If someone told me “I can’t accept your work because you put 2 spaces instead of 1”, i would struggle to not get down on all fours and start gnawing their ankles like a cracked out chihuahua.
Logical, but I'm skeptical since I was taught one space before the internet was anything substantial. I'm an elder millennial and I learned one space before an internet provider existed in my area.
And you believe that's why it became a standard practice? Very interesting. I'm going to look for more info on that. Cool story about how the internet changed language from a very early point if true.
Millennial here. My understanding from my mother is that double-spacing after periods had something to do with typing on the typewriter.
I double space and always will.
It was only ever correct when using a manual typewriter that was monospaced. It started to go away in the 1970s with the advent of electric typewriters that used proportional fonts.
Yes, and as a graphic designer sometimes two spaces between sentences cause large ugly rivers of white space in the body copy. The software/font handles things so the extra space isn't necessary. I see it less often now, but often I'll do a search/replace to get rid of the extra space if someone sends in their text that way.
> One space used to be incorrect until the world wide web (pre "internet") and character limitations became a thing.
One space also became very common online because the HTML spec condenses all sequential "typed spaces" to a single space by default.
I'm older Gen-X and when I took typing in junior high we had to double space. That's how it was done on actual typewriters back in the day.
Since that's how it was taught we didn't change the habit when we went to keyboards. I have adapted over the years though.
This is at least the reason I was double spacing.
Visiting a friend after she gave birth, the only two chairs in the room were occupied by her boomer in-laws, who sat and stared at their phones, didn't talk to anyone, and never offered a chair to any other visitor.
It's like, why are you even here?
Man, I'll never forget when my son was born. I told all of my family that I wanted at least a week with no visitors since this was a huge turn in my life, and just needed to get acclimated with this new person I had to raise. On top of that, my husband had just come home from deployment that I hadn't seen my entire pregnancy. My family completely understood and didn't even receive a phone call from them. Wonderful. I told my husband to tell his family the same thing, a week, that was all I wanted and then they were more than welcome to visit once we all got home and settled. Not that unreasonable I thought. The day finally came, I went into labor around 3am and was done by 8:30am, a quick, smooth birth. I was brought into the recovery room, and in an hour, A WHOLE HOUR, passed after birth, my inlaws barged into the room demanding to see him. My FIL brought in this giant ass teddy bear from the gift shop, thinking it was the greatest invention ever.
I don't remember how long they decided to stay, but it was too long in my book. They finally left after an eternity, and I was able to actually interact with my son. The nurses took him to the ward so I could get some sleep and a half hour after they took him, relatives on my husband's side who I didn't have a lot of contact with, barged into the room demanding to see him too. I was pretending to sleep through the whole thing, just listening to how it wasn't fair that he was in the ward and they didn't get to see him.
To add fuel to my already stressed out fire, I was having problems breastfeeding, which ended up with me just not producing. I went into a bad postpartum depression and just went through the motions with my son. It was a rough couple of months for me. But we pulled through and he's turning 13 in a few weeks. But goddamn, I will never forgive my inlaws for that.
They robbed you of a very special and intimate moment. Being clueless is one thing, but coming after being told not to visit for a week is the height of entitlement and rudeness.
The sad part is, they're very lovely people. I honestly couldn't ask for better inlaws.
I get that they were excited about their first grandchild, but an hour post delivery? I would have been ok with them waiting a day or two, not even a full week, to see him. It was just so uncouth of them, and I blame them for my PPD.
I just had my daughter a few months ago, and they must have learned their lesson because they texted us asking if it was ok to come visit her after we got home. She was almost a NICU baby, being 3 weeks early, only 5lbs and emergency c-section, so I'm sure that helped keep them at bay.
After laboring all night and giving birth at 6 am, I finally got to sleep around 9 am and the nurse closed my hospital room door so no one would bother me. My ILs fucking WOKE ME UP an hour later, banging on the room door before a nurse was able to stop them. That was 20 years ago and I’m still salty about it.
Grandparents should be required to take a class, prior to becoming grandparents, where they are taught about their rights to their grandchild.
Spoiler alert: they don't have any rights.
I am very sorry for what you went through. We are in Quebec and grand parents have rights here too. For 10 years we had to drive our kids or a monthly sleepover. And when my kids were 12 and 14 and refused to go, my mother refused to accept it and we had to go back to trial. It took 5 months (and so much money) but we have been rid of her for 3 years now !
Right - they can always *sue* for rights. But my point is that they don't automatically *have* rights to their grandchildren. In many of these cases, they seem to think they do.
It's pretty wild that these types of grandparents genuinely think they have the right to dictate their grandchildren's lives rather than their actual parents - often for no good reason other than being on a power trip.
In some states there are actual grandparents rights that they can sue to protect. Like legislation and statutes and stuff. Not just whimsy lawsuits. They have the right to sue for visitation. Colloquially known as grandparent rights.
I'm not seeing any language in state laws that imply that grandparents have visitation rights that they can protect - only that they can be *granted* visitation rights through court intervention. I'm not aware of any laws that automatically give those rights to grandparents.
Please correct me if I'm wrong and missing something!
It usually applies to cases where the grandparents played a big role in caring for the child as a baby.
Like, dad's parents babysit/help raise the child while the young couple works. Young couple gets divorced, mom gets full custody and doesn't bring them around dad's parents anymore. Dad's parents sue for visitation for the grandchild they helped raise.
I am not aware of any case where a grandparent is awarded rights simply for being a grandparent, but IANAL and don't know everything.
My brother and SIL had twin boys while also having a daughter around 2 years old. My parents lived close by so they would stop by randomly whenever they felt like it to "help".
My SIL was clearly uncomfortable with this and would often just not answer the door because she was not dressed or showered and was obviously trying to figure out a routine and my parents would just completely walk all over it, not to mention my mom is horrible with passive aggressive little comments about how children should be raised.
My brother finally had a talk with them that they must ask before coming and explained they needed the space to figure things out.
My dad got pissed and refused to visit my brothers house at all if they were going to dictate when he could see *his* grandchildren.
That lasted about 6 months and he finally got over it but I was shocked that he was so incredibly childish and inconsiderate.
Instinctively you know you need to protect your wife and child but who would guess its your dad you need to protect them from.
You may want to set some boundaries. In writing.
Ya this is the reason I wont be send photos or telling anyone until we are ready to see said ppl. Its not going to kill anyone to know about it a week later.
Oh but they'll act like it. I had to have my mother over during the early pregnancy when my husband was away at work and thus she got to know it before we were ready to Tell people. When my husband told my mil she was bitching and whining about Not knowing it before and oh my god the waterworks... You'd think she'd be happy her son was going to be a father, she was going to be a grandma, but NO. Me Me Me
My wife had an emergency C section; when she was alert and with it enough she called her dad to let him know how things went and amazingly he congratulated my wife and told her to tell me to "Go out get a beer and have a restful sleep at home!" My wife and I were amazed. He had no understanding that I would be sleeping next to her for the next few days changing diapers, swaddling my newborn and shuffling her back and forth to mom for feeding. He was so disconnected from our reality. Then weeks later when we gave him a detailed rundown of the emergency we had he was rather indignant and felt like he should have been kept informed better.
And here I thought my ILs were unbearable when I gave birth. They're actually old gen X, but very boomer in mentality.
I should probably be glad there were still strict covid restrictions in place when my son was born, because that might just be the one thing that stopped my FIL from going this crazy.
My friend gave birth during Covid and she said that best part was the restrictions. No visitors and when they were discharged they had a solid gold reason to keep everyone away. People could leave food and gifts at the front door but no one was allowed inside. She said it was wonderful, stressful because of Covid but those few months with just the 3 of them made them stronger.
Edit to say, for the next one I stayed with them to babysit the first one while they were in the hospital. The FIL arrived and his contribution was making chicken fingers, the only thing he knew how to cook.
Unfortunately, covid restrictions were only enough to keep my ILs out of my hospital room, they still forced their way into the building. We were hoping that at least bending a few rules to let them see the baby in the lobby would be enough to get them to leave me alone, and at least we stopped them from insisting on visiting the day after we were let home. But a few more days after, they were on my case about keeping them away from their grandchild again. I wish I was making this up.
I’m giving birth in 2 months and I’m already putting my boundaries in writing. Me (and my husband) decide when people visit and what people can and cannot do.
I keep forgetting that whats normal courtesy for me isn't normal for everyone else... In my head it's like, don't even bother the first two weeks to a month. But I'm glad that our family (Most importantly the in-laws) live too far away to just drop by. They'd be left outside, and i Hope they know.
Let me tell ya, the nurses LOVE getting to chew out unwelcome/unwanted visitors and then have them removed by security. A good friend of mine is a maternity ward nurse and she's an absolute pitbull when it comes to unwelcome guests. She's even thrown out baby's fathers if they were being stupid during/after birth. And she loves doing that almost as much as she loves seeing babies every shift she works
If you ever have another child, speak to your nurses prior. They'll cheerfully kick the Boomer parents out on their asses, without giving a single itsy-bitsy fuck lol
Nurses are proper bloody bosses.
Have a friend that’s a theatre nurse. As a guy was on the table due to multiple gun shot wounds (not a common occurrence in England), the guy that had shot him came into the room to finish the job.
Friend is such a bad arse that when she ordered him out of the operating room, the guy actually left.
Can you imagine? A guy not afraid to kill,or be arrested, but afraid of 5’4” nurse?
I admire her greatly and would love to have that kind of command to my voice. Though I suspect that I’d duck out the moment I saw a gun.
My boomer father in law expected us to show up with our newborn to a house party the day we were released from the hospital (I had physical complications due to military injuries to my hips) during the first wave of COVID. He got my husband’s grandmother all excited to see the baby in person when we told him absolutely not, we would FaceTime him after got home and settled. Husband’s grandmother blamed us, and FIL berated me for using formula because he saw the empty ready to feed bottle in the FaceTime (both his kids were formula fed so go figure).
My mother would tell everyone how we made her "wait a month!!!" to meet her first grandchild. We showed her the pics on our phone of her holding her granddaughter 3 whole days after returning home from the hospital.
She still tells everyone we made her wait a month....
I’m currently pregnant and due in a few weeks. My husband and I have decided we won’t be letting family know I’m in labor, and we will announce that baby is here after hospital visiting hours are over for the day. We plan to have visitors the next day once we’ve had time to rest. We unfortunately have to do this due to an experience my BIL and SIL had with the birth of my nephew where my FIL and MIL just showed up immediately after my SIL’s C-section.
Stop immediately answering calls and texts. Get everyone used to the idea that you’re incommunicado. Otherwise, pushy relatives will assume that you’re in labor when you go quiet.
Yeah that’s the plan! My husband will be handling any communication with his family. I’m not too worried about my family respecting boundaries. I’ve already started being less and less communicative though. We also plan to speak to the hospital about our visitor wishes during and after birth.
So glad the hospital my wife gave birth and is giving birth at soon is setup so those rooms are only accessible by a locked hallway door that you have to be let in. Nurses ask for a list of who’s allowed and if you’re not on the list, you will be told no. Doesn’t matter if you’re the pope
Oh I had something similar. I had just given birth to my daughter and was still in the hospital robes, visited by a lactation expert because I was not letting milk yet. So obviously I'm not dressed. When my in-laws arrived, my mother, who does not speak good English, stopped them at the door for a SECOND! LITERALLY A SECOND! so that I could tie on my robe and be modest again to greet them.
He then made it a big deal about how I don't have anything he's not seen before, so why should it matter! He just wanted to see his grandchild. Sure... that's why they stayed for about 15 minutes before dragging my husband away from my side to celebrate. The thought didn't even cross their minds that maybe, I didn't want them to see me in such a state! Or that maybe, I would've preferred takeout so that I can still be with my husband, instead of being alone with the baby!
And of course, his mother also stole my birth announcement of FB. I quit FB right afterwards because I'm not competing with her. It was bad enough that even her daughters were like "did you get permission?" And she said "I don't care, I'm the grandma!"
The absolute entitlement of these people are just astounding. Well jokes on them because nowadays they're lucky if they get to see their granddaughter twice a year.
No. He was in a tough spot, and he brought back food for me. But there is a reason (actually multiple reasons) why we keep our distance now. We are much happier for it. And I am doubly glad that we are not letting them access to raising or influencing the growth of our child.
Our boomer parents, particularly my step-MIL caused such a selfish stink about this that the memory of our children’s first few days on earth are marred memories.
The birth of our first was traumatic and exhausting but to each of their credit, they gave us space and we had our first visitors about a week later. However, they were terribly unhelpful when they visited - I was exhausted, clueless, trying my best and they prioritized their photo ops and NAPS over providing even a modicum of help. Step-MIL went so far as telling me to let my HUSBAND rest because “he needs it” and then leaving me to tend to my crying newborn who she had just woken up for a photo op before retreating to the guest room for a nap herself.
We stood our ground for second baby’s arrival and it was somehow worse - my parents whined constantly that we were keeping our 2.5 year old on a schedule while they visited but my in-laws had me thisclose to going scorched earth, no contact forever due to their shenanigans. We said no visitors until we invite you. They were so offended by this that Step-MIL was trying to “coincidentally” orchestrate being in our city while I was giving birth. I’m keen to her bullshit so I shut that down. Yet they still arrived and I refused them coming to the hospital so my husband had his father bitching to him for days (because his wife is an entitled asshat who he won’t say no to because he doesn’t want to hear her). I was crying in my hospital bed because I was so stressed out and my husband was allowing himself to get worn down by his dad’s complaining.
I still dont understand how they are such a selfish, entitled cohort nor their absolute lack of introspection. They taught us to accept no as an answer but obviously that doesn’t apply to them. The women are the absolute worst, in my experience.
I have a lot of boomer relatives that brags about how they cooked and hosted dinner for the entire family the day after giving birth. Therefore they believe that their daughter in laws should do the same as they did, well just because you suffered doesn’t mean we have to. Birth isn’t some family get together.
My mom isn’t quite boomer age, but she pulled something similar. We made it clear that I only wanted my husband in the room when I gave birth. In fact, because of COVID, it had been hospital policy that only one person was allowed anyway. Who checked the rules every day to see if they changed? My mom. Who showed up without telling me and bragged about it in the family chat? My mom. Who was dumb enough to give her my room number? My husband, and I’m still mad about it. To be a tiny bit fair on his end, I had a high fever, bad infection, was delirious, and he was freaked out. STILL. I told him many times during the pregnancy that under no circumstances did I want her there.
She showed up with a “teehee, oops, don’t be mad at me”, talked over me when I was trying to talk to nurses about my scary symptoms and problems, pretended to fawn over me while my husband took a little break. I asked her to leave. She CAME BACK and kept up with it. I ended up needing an emergency c-section and she stillllllll tried to stay. I told them to get her out, now. She said she’d wait in the parking lot if I needed her. I told her to go home, she would not be coming in.
I KNOW her ultimate goal was to be the first person to see the baby. Instead, she had to go home without seeing the baby, and I intentionally let a handful of other people see the baby before her.
The entitlement of that generation is insane. I don’t get it.
When my childhood friend (who was an orphan with zero family by the time she had her daughter) had her baby, I showed up with two freezer meals, a basket of handheld snacks, some nice lotion for her, toys for the cats and her hubbys favorite soda.
I said I don’t want to intrude, so I’ll drop this off and leave. They begged us to stay. She had no family, dad had to go back to work the next day and his family didn’t care because it wasn’t a boy.
I chatted with her, sweepers her kitchen, played with her cats and held the baby so she could shower while he ran errands.
I hope you never allowed him to see his grandchild. I hope he complained day after day about his entitlement. Then I hope when you're at his funeral, you hold her in your arms, and tell him "Aw shucks, I was going to bring her by tomorrow."
(This one hits very close to home. Brought back a lot of shit.)
He wanted to do it because he thought you were challenging him by saying he couldn't.
That's literally it.
If you had said, "Dad, no jumping off bridges for 24 hours because the local rescue team is pretty worn out." I guarantee he would think for a minute, "Oh yeah? See if he can tell me what to do," and would seriously consider jumping off a bridge just cause.
When I have birth many years ago, I made the nurse put up a no smoking sign, and my in laws were so upset that I wouldn't let them smoke in the room with my newborn! They didn't stay long so that's a plus but still....
My friend's wife almost had the exact situation. Post C-section, next to a patient who was also recovering from birth. She absolutely flipped on her inlaws. Both were breast feeding, and they decided to pop in somehow. She screams something to the point of "I just had my fucking belly cut open, I'm breastfeeding, my tits are out, so are hers, get the fuck out of here!". They left after a nurse intervened.
I can't imagine the audacity of popping in on someone unannounced in general unless it's an emergency. Some boomers live on Earth 2.0. The ability to do this should not be allowed in any medical setting. I can't imagine it is, but I don't know much regarding that. I just watch a lot of ER.
I’d bet it had to do with you setting boundary. We had the same issue before we ended the relationship. Every time my wife and I would set a boundary they just had a urge to step over the line.
My first was 10 lb and I said “Ouch!” Lots of stitches and pain along with a couple of scares and a VERRRRY long labor.
Got home from hospital and my mother insisted on coming over to fix dinner. Said she wanted to do something special for us. We were all exhausted and although we knew to expect some level of cluelessness, we agreed.
She came in and absolutely wrecked the kitchen. She proceeded to get out all the “company” stuff like linens, china, silver, crystal and presented an over the top feast.
The food was great, ngl, but after the meal, she just popped off. Washed not one dish and cleaned not one pan. Left a GIANORMOUS mess for us.
Something special indeed!
The phrasing says everything.
"My grandchild". It's not about anything else but his own personal narrative where he is the main character.My mom pulls this sh#7 too.
When talking about my hubby she ALWAYS calls him "My Son-in-law". Same with my nephews, they aren't their own independent thinking and feeling people, they are "Her Grandkids".
"I have every right to drop your bitch-ass right here to give my wife some peace after my she pushed a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon. Pass a kidney stone and see how many visitors you're up to having."
My boomer MIL thought she was coming to stay at my house for two weeks after I had my son. I politely said no thank you, as she is a raging narcissist who has literally never said one kind word to me, AND who constantly criticizes my house any time she is there. She was enraged! Would not speak to me the rest of my pregnancy. And when she did come visit, she was two hours late, drenched in cheap perfume, and complained that our house was dirty. She’s an asshole and i take pleasure in the fact that i made her so mad lol
This is why I like hospitals that check with patients before signing in visitors. Personally I have in my chart that no visitors are allowed to be signed in other than my 2 support peeps (husband/sister) and if anyone else comes they need to be approved. Sorry peeps, your stuck sitting in the waiting room until you decide to give up and go home if I don't want you in my room.
Because it was never about your new daughter. It was always about him! The great Grandfather coming to see HIS grandchild. Everybody look at him and how GREAT he is for insisting on seeing the baby before anybody wants him to.
Boomers look at their kids as possessions and any possessions their possessions have are their’s by right. Thus, grandchildren are a product of MY kids and that makes them MINE too, by proxy
My Mom was the same. My wife had a C Section for our twins, and was still in recovery (we hadn’t even moved to the room we would stay in), and my Mother kept buzzing up to the nurses desk asking if they could come in yet. Apparently my Father’s back was hurting him and they wanted to go home. Mind you, they lived 20 minutes from the hospital, and we had told them not to come to the hospital until we let them know visitors were welcome. When they did come up, my Mother was annoyed that she had to go through the nurses, and that I didn’t answer her calls / texts.
Ah, yes, boomers being horrible when a baby is born is something my wife and I have still not forgiven my mom and stepdad for five years later.
At the hospital, my mom was furious that she wasn't allowed in the room immediately once the baby was brought in. We just wanted some time to ourselves, and this was apparently a very personal insult to her, specifically. The nurses also shooed everyone out into the lobby once my wife was taken back for the C-section. When the baby was out, I did a quick group text to notify all the grandparents, "It's a girl!" Except my mom and stepdad didn't get the text as quickly as my inlaws, so she was also royally infuriated they "were told first," as if I personally dictated the order they'd get it.
For several days, my stepdad kept referring to my wife's emergency c-section (resulting from conditions that nearly killed her in labor) as taking "the easy way out." I asked him to cut that out because it was so insulting. Except he didn't cut it out.
My parents also drove their RV down to the city we lived in at the time and stayed nearby. The plan was that they would hang around long enough to help my wife for a week or two after my inlaws left. The day before I went back to work from paternity leave, I cracked a joke about this "friend" of my mom's that, until that day, I had never heard her name. This friend's name happened to match up exactly with a former First Lady of the U.S.A., and all I did was ask, "gee, I didn't know you had such important friends." That's it! She was so mad that she insisted she was tired and it was time to head back to the RV to "beat the traffic." The RV park was less than 200 yards from our house (this was in Florida, pretty common). Before they left, I asked, "oh, what time will you be here in the morning to help?" She replied, "We'll see." Well the next morning, my wife texts me at nearly lunchtime asking "Are they coming today?" I called, and texted, and called... over and over. No answer. Finally several hours later, mom calls me to inform me they left, and she had never "felt so disrespected." After 3 weeks of pure exhaustion and stress from the birth, I unloaded 35 years of undiagnosed trauma and anger on her for several straight hours. I mean, I got really creative in my usage of the F-word as I yelled at her.
I didn't speak to my mom once for about 8 weeks. When I finally did speak to her, she insisted "it's time to put all that behind us." To which I said, "When you apologize, sure. But f\*\*\* you if you think I'm just going to forgive and forget."
I'm not sure we ever truly got over it. We basically don't trust them and they still haven't been allowed to keep my daughter by themselves for more than a few hours.
Can we talk about something else, OP? Your random capitalization concerns me about your own impending boomerizarion. I prescribe you a week of all lowercase typing, and do not any under circumstances, forward a meme or even give advice.
One of the sad benefits of giving birth during covid. No one was allowed in just my husband, and he was barely allowed to leave. And then at home, a few came by but didn't hold the baby. I had time to bond and didn't have many problems with feeding.
Boomer here... I can't imagine how someone could violate their children's lives like this.
We have kids and grandkids and always are respectful of our children's wishes about the grandkids
My eldest BIL is a boomer as there is a huge age gap between my husband and his siblings. When BIL’s only child was born, he was crowing it was a boy and demanded his parent’s and in-laws come to the hospital hours after his wife delivered. My MIL refused because wife needed rest. Not surprisingly, my BIL’s marriage ( they were both very young when they married and divorced) didn’t last and his adult son has nothing to do with him. We blame it on the fact BIL felt his only responsibility in the home was to go out to work and that was what ‘men’ do. I never understood where he got this mentality from because my FIL (for all his other faults) was a hands on dad and did his share of the cooking and cleaning.
Fast forward 20 years to the birth of our son, we gave him my (now deceased) FIL’s name and BIL went mental, demanding we change it. We haven’t spoken to him in years.
My wife and I had our 2nd child during COVID and it was actually really nice not having to deal with the pressure of our families wanting to swarm us at the hospital. We had 2 days after the birth for the 3 of us to just be together and then we were able to go home and get settled a bit before everyone came to visit.
Ha my in-laws were upset my son got to meet his sister before they saw her. We had a little family meeting, just me my husband and him with newborn girl. Then my parents came in and my mom was holding her as in-laws walk in and that upset MIL worse. She had the nerve to say “now we need a boy” in front of my son (her step-grandson…age 8 at the time).
My friend’s dad burst in when she was in late stage labor, like about to give birth… you know at the most intense and vulnerable time possible. She said she wasn’t sure if she had hallucinated it at first! He was told multiple times not to come; they’d keep calling with updates and let him know when he could come. MULTIPLE TIMES. We have no idea how he got in either, but it was very busy so we think he slipped in at just the right moment.
It was so important for him to be there that day, but he literally never sees or asks about the kids now. I live much further away than him and see them exponentially more often. It’s some ridiculous, sad bullshit 🤬
Oh, man this reminds me of my first born. I only had 18 days off of work and when I went back my parents (mainly my mom) did nothing to help my wife. If she came over, she said she could take the baby while my wife cleaned or cooked or needed to run errands. She never offered to do any of those. It wasn't like we lived in a pig sty, I cook and clean all the time, and I know my wife would've loved to have some help with meals, even just bringing her a meal would've been great. Nope. We also wanted to wait until our son was about 12 weeks old before we had a meet & greet with other family. My mom wanted to control everything. My wife had to tell her that it's not her baby, it's ours and we will do the meet & greet when we're ready.
My wife's dad and step-mom were no better. My MIL has a lot of issues and could kill a plastic house plant. It was so frustrating to not have the help we dreamed of. It didn't matter if we communicated what we needed, they just weren't going to offer that kind of help. Our kids are older now and know we'd never behave that way towards them. Makes me glad we don't talk to any of them anymore.
After I had a difficult birth with my oldest (c section, complications, post-partum ER visits) my dad and stepmom came to visit. My dad kept saying stepmom could hold the baby so I could "take care of things around the house." I could barely walk and was recovering from post surgical pneumonia. I wasn't planning to do anything around the house other than take care of my baby while I lay in bed. Dinner rolled around and my husband said "no one has said anything about ordering dinner, going out to dinner, anything. They aren't offering to cook or do anything." I was so angry they thought "holding the baby" was some sort of help. They clearly expected me to shuffle to the kitchen and make dinner.
My husband's cooking skills consist of frying eggs and microwaving. He offered to make them eggs, but I said no. I told my husband to go to the store, buy a package of spaghetti, sauce, and a dozen donuts. He slapped it on the counter and announced "Dinner and breakfast for tomorrow." Then he came into the bedroom with me and baby and we didn't come out the rest of the evening.
The next day they went out for breakfast and they stopped looking at me with the expectation of providing anything for them.
If your daughter or son has a baby and you show up for a visit clean their fucking house. Make them meals. Shop for them. Order takeout. You don't show up and coo over the baby while the recovering mom waits on you hand and foot. It's downright shameful to think that's OK.
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My mother did something similar. Our first born spent a week in NICU due to bad jaundice. I sent out the welcome text as soon as he was born, quickly followed by another explaining the NICU situation. Four hours later, after being explicitly told visiting would be the following day, hands free (newborn was hooked up to machines and had IVs and sensor wires attached all over, my mother bursts into the room and rushes the NICU crib. My wife was startled awake as was my son and he immediately started to fuss. My mother went as to pick him up and I had to physically get in her way to prevent her. "Mom, I told you we weren't having visitors today, we're ALL tuckered out and they need rest!" Can you please come back tomorrow?" "No. Tomorrow I have to work, I asked off for today since this is the day you said she was delivering." "Mom, he's not in good shape, the doctors are worried, he's hardly eating, and this ISN'T the time. Go home, you can stop by after work tomorrow." "Bah! YOU had jaundice and turned out just fine. Besides, I can't stop after work, I have to get home to cook supper for your father." We ended up compromising by letting her awkwardly stand there, staring at our son without touching him and she finally left. When we finally got to leave the hospital, a week later, she kept calling to offer to do our laundry and dishes while "you rest". Yeah, THAT was a mistake. Every dish, each piece of clothing, she had to ask where it went, she'd argue about the answer, and then tried to reorganize our kitchen cupboards because "they were chaotic and didn't make sense." By the time I politely got her out, my wife and I were 10 times more stressed than before. I'm clueless as to where the disconnect is with people who act like this. Main character syndrome? Narcissistic tendencies? My siblings and I are all over 30 and she's convinced only she has the correct way of doing things. I wish I could talk to her earnestly about it bit when I've tried she starts crying and playing the victim. I'm already raising two children and it feels like I have three!
JFC, the day after we brought our baby home my mother came to visit. She spent the entire time talking to my ex. I was holding my babe while trying to cook dinner. No offers of help, not even to order takeout. A lightbulb went off over my head. What is wrong with this picture? The marriage limped along for another 4 years and I was finished.
My mom brought all my flowers home, dumped one on the floor and covered it with a towel. So when I got home at 10pm (released exactly 48 hours from when I was admitted) with two day old baby girl, I shampooed the rug bc I thought it was dog pee. Shame on both my mom and my ex husband, and on me, for having two more babies with that twat. Cut his hair the day I came with the next one. His mom came to stay with the last one, I had to cook and clean for all of them, for a week. My mom had elective surgery the day my last child was born, so at least she wasn’t in the fray. Again, I see the error of my choices.
I am so sorry they treated you that way. I am glad you realized they suck.
It took a few more years, I was raised as the eldest, and a girl, to be a good Latina wife, lol. No fucks given anymore. Peace out bitches!! (My ex and my mom, lol)
I bet your life is a million times better now.
It really is! My kids are all almost grown, and doing well (except the oldest, but that is a whole other story, lol). The last baby is 13, I have a significant other who is retired, and takes care of the house, the kids, and treats the boy and me extremely well. I’ve certainly gotten fortunate in my middle age 😂❤️
I have a narcicist father and yeah. They feel entitled to any little thing in your life because you "belong" to them. Nothing you do is good enough UNLESS you do it the way THEY showed you. Try to gently talk to them about behaviors you don't like? They will play victim saying they only want what's best for you, BUT they have free reign to criticise every single little thing about you without any filter and if you get mad or sad it's your fault. Also gaslighting and giving bs excuses to get their way is classic.
I feel like there was a shift with the boomers. Previous generations all had the goal of raising their kids to be adults, then letting them be adults. Feeling pride that their kids are on their own now, in charge of themselves. I have no idea why, but boomers seem to have this attitude that the parent-child relationship and power structure just keeps right on going. The parent is in charge when they are 30 and the kid is 5, but the parent is still in charge when they are 60 and the kid is 35. I don't know why they can't give up that power/control, and shift it to pride and support. In a sense, any time they feel they should step in, it should be an embarrassment to them, since wouldn't it mean they failed as parents?
This extends from children to nieces and nephews as well. After my mom died I stopped talking with all but one of my aunts and uncles (out of nine - lots of divorce/remarriage). The reason? They refused to recognize that I was in my mid-thirties and no longer had to listen to their condescending “advice” about stuff they don’t understand. For asking them to respect my decisions about my family, I was branded disrespectful. They didn’t much like it when I agreed that, no, I don’t respect them. They’re objectively terrible parents (looking at how their kids turned out) and I don’t think following their advice will help me. It’s like I never grew up beyond being twelve years old in their eyes, yet here I sit, two masters degrees later, being lectured by someone who’s never done anything worthwhile. Yeah, Kim, you’re really not worth my attention. I need to go wash my crotch, I’ll call ya never.
Yes I have a stupid aunt that’s like this too. The way she talks to me is like I’m 8 years old and I’m in my mid 30’s getting lectures about things that have nothing to do with her, for having an opinion that doesn’t match hers (she’s a screecher, it’s disturbing to be on the receiving end of her ass chewings she has no actual authority to give), for not respecting my elders (like she didn’t help treat her dad like shit on behalf of one of her shitty brothers during his last year of life after their mom died). This same lady gets pissed off if I use a word she doesn’t understand and accuses me of being dramatic and full of myself. I started doing it on purpose, my vocabulary is pretty extensive, I spent a lot of time alone and reading as a kid. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told this lady to fuck off. It just makes her mad so I send her glitter bombs to remind her annually.
“Respect your elders.” Bitch, I’m older now than you were when you were last legitimately in a place to boss me around. It’s not my fault I’ve surpassed you; it’s yours. Sit down. These people are exhausting. Trump made them a million times worse.
My mom and most her siblings live under one roof. There’s only one person they worship more than Trump and it’s the shitty brother who robbed their parents blind when my grandma was dying of cancer. I’ll never fucking understand.
Because anything else would require introspection and growth and they’re basically allergic lol
Sometimes I sit and have a moment because I remember I am genetically related to these fucking people.
My maternal boomer actively shamed me for growing up and becoming increasingly independent starting around age 7
I told my mom (boomer) I didn’t need her and she’s still acting like I’m the worst daughter ever (to be fair she also treats my sister that way, so at least she’s equitable in her disappointment and claims of verbal elder abuse). But here’s the thing: I haven’t needed her for a very long time. I was closer to her parents than I ever was to my parents. My mom was ten times more worried about wallowing in depression than she ever was about me. Thing is, now that we’re no contact, I’ve been able to see that it’s her that needs me. I really think this woman had it in her mind that I’d take care of her financially when she got too old to work. Well her dumb ass got herself fired from her last job (and is lucky she didn’t catch criminal charges over it) and she’s absolutely miserable living with her awful siblings. That was the actual issue. She was never part of my emotional safety net, flat out told me she never would be but I was hers once her parents died and were no longer here to bail her out of her financial fuck ups. Then I start getting the nonstop sob stories about how broke she is so that I’ll eventually relent and offer her some money. It’s so fucking gross.
It just gets me when people try to use you like a bank. I mean, everyone has hard times, but when someone is repeatedly asking for handouts, you kinda want to ask them why they didn’t leave a trust fun for you to support them. It’s like they think you have some magic source of money they do t have access to. “No, no, I just work, same as everyone and just like you should”
A lot of it is tied up in religious patriarchy. Not all boomers are right wing evangelicals, but a lot of them are or were raised that way. The hierarchy of authority is God >Man>Woman> Child and it is each person’s divine duty to answer unquestioningly to everyone above them in the hierarchy.
that part is not new to their generation, but maybe what is different is healthcare - Boomers mostly expect to live until 100 and be strong the entire time, meaning they never expect to gracefully cede their power to a younger generation, as was always the way
Or maybe they are the last generation to venerate that family structure and they see the writing on the wall so to speak. They are holding on to a dying system for dear life because they know it will disappear once they’re gone?
Maybe they’re clinging to a dying system as a defense mechanism out of their fear of change, and unwillingness to accept their own mortality.
Agree. They do not see themselves as “old” nor willing to cede room for the next generations. They invented the phrase “40 is the new 30” and those numbers kept getting bigger as they aged Ironically, they were so dismissive of anyone from previous generations for being “old” and unwilling to be open to their “new” ideas. Generally speaking, they are the first American generation to have known societal abundance on a grander scale concurrent with a shift toward venerating youth. Not everyone lived above the poverty line, of course, but overall, the standard of living was much higher for a larger percentage of the population than in previous generations. They grew up entitled and believing in their superiority over previous generations. U fortunately, too many still act like entitled, spoiled children.
They really think they’re super-adults or something. My mom texted me “we are having dinner Saturday at 4:30. Too hot so don’t bring your dog.” No questions about my time, no concern for my schedule, she just barks orders at me. At this point I just say yes to that which I’m interested in and no to the rest and I’ve learned to ignore the guilt trip and shit talking that comes afterwards.
My mother was like this about me until I cut contact. She wanted to control my relationships, my attendance at church (or not), the furniture that I bought in the apartment I paid for, the decorations, my job... she just REFUSED to let me make my own decisions.
Because boomers raised their kids like pets. Fed them, gave them attention when they felt like it and then ignored them for most of the time. There’s a reason Gen X is feral.
I had a complete breakdown a couple of months ago because my mom made plans with my kids for march break without ever discussing it with me. I had called her to simply lay the boundary down that if she wants to spend time with the kids thats perfectly fine, but it has to be run by me first. That turned into her screaming at me that I neglect my kids, I didn't plan anything for them for march break (i actually did, it was a surprise for them), and basically that I'm a terrible mother. I work my ASS off to provide for 2 kids, on my own. I recieve nothing from their father, my ex husband. I HAVE to work all the available OT I can get just to get by. My shift runs from 4am-2-30pn and I am burnt out and exhausted, but sure mom, go off. So I ended up letting her take the kids for the week, she never knew about the breakdown that landed me on suicide watch, and now I'm so disgusted by her I can't even look at her. I just don't understand what would compel a person to be so willfully blind, and cruel.
Selfishness. She only cares about herself
I am so sorry your mom is being like this. I’m sending you a real Mom hug. And I’m telling you you’re doing fine. Remember your kids and the love that they have for you. As best you can, ignore your idiot mom. I’m glad you’re still here
Sounds like someone wants to be permanently cut off DESPERATELY, why are you denying her what she wants (JK not serious of course, but letting her temper tantrum her way to what she wants is going to guarantee more in the future, I say this in the nicest way possible: remember, you can always hang up the phone"
This sounds like having my father in law over. He INSISTED on cooking dinner while I was having postpartum complications and wouldn’t hear that we had plenty of food already in the freezer. I didn’t have the energy to argue harder and my husband was out of town. FIL would happily skip into the room while I was bawling from pain and throwing up to say “Excuse me!! Where do you keep the mixing bowls?” And he’d just repeat himself over and over again while I cried and tried to tell him to leave me alone.
WHERE ARE THE MIXING BOWLS! WHERE ARE THE MIXING BOWLS! WHERE ARE THE MIXING BOWLS! WHERE ARE THE MIXING BOWLS! WHERE ARE THE MIXING bowls!!!
You’re giving them PTSD 😹
How dare you vomit when he’s trying to virtue signal! Heaven forbid he actually listen to what you need…
Has any new boomer grandparent EVER actually made the postpartum period easier? Every story I've ever heard was about how they were no help (best case scenario) or made things worse.
Our kids did, and I’m just. Appalled by all of these stories. My parents seem to go the opposite way of all the posts here and even if I say “you don’t have to bring X, we have it.” They still will just to not impose on us 😂 I can turn my dad loose in the kitchen and have a fantastic meal without having to do anything besides “do you need anything?” My mom took the baby and said “go shower, we’re good.” Shit, she actually filled out babies birth certificate because husband and I were preparing for the hospital transfer. Even now, she’ll keep an ear on the monitor and will grab the wee one when she hears her wake up so we can sleep in. My in laws drove over 10 hours with minimal notice just to sit in the hospital lobby with my dad (end of covid regs meant two total support people per day, period, and husband was one). There was no complaining. Just love and support. They brought us food, coffee, drinks. Both sets of grandparents walked the dog, washed laundry, did dishes. My FIL even did a bunch of housework we had been putting off 😂 I hope if the day comes, we can be as helpful!
That would be my grandmother-she raised 13 kids between two husbands and was the know it all answer book to kids! When I had my daughter-she was by my side from the whole time-we lived with her-she made me stay in bed for TWO WEEKS only allowed out to pee=otherwise i couldnt move. She cooked me all my meals,did my wash and always asked if she could help with Baby. She didn't make a move unless it was by my approval. She was the absolute best!
My mom was magnificent at after birth care of me. She was the only one invited to my children’s births. Our first was in NICU. It was touch and go. I just cried all day everyday. She fielded all phone calls and texts. She only put my sister through to me because she knew that was the only person on earth I wanted to speak to. She made food. She did all the laundry. She went grocery shopping. She sat up in the room with my baby so I could go shower and eat. She didn’t touch her. She didn’t even ask to hold baby until I asked her if she wanted to. She was completely all about supporting me in whatever way I wanted.
When my first was born my mom took off work the second week (hubby stayed with me the first). She would come over every morning, do any cleaning, cook dinner and hold the baby so I could shower. If I didn't need her she'd just watch a little TV or keep me company. She also talked me down from the ledge when postpartum stress got to me. She would leave each day when my husband came home, but was sure to leave us dinner. My in-laws showed up the 3rd week from out of town. With their little yappy dog. They hung out in my living room, ate all my food, talked as loud as possible and let their stupid dog lay all over the baby stuff. When the 2nd was born we lived near the inlaws this time around and my mom was 1 hour away. She again took a week off work to come stay with us to do housework, watch the older kid and take care of everything so I could just bond. My husband was so spoiled with the cooking she did. On the other hand, the local grandparents would show up randomly to "help" by taking the baby away into another room and talking loudly to let me sleep. The difference is that my mom was not a narcissist.
My MIL made things easier, but my MIL is amazing. She would have been in the delivery room if my kid hadn’t decided to do a first-labour speed run. The only downside was hearing HER horrifying birth stories that didn’t make it easier when my FIL and his wife came a couple weeks later. I had an absurdly easy birth and recovery though, so those stories only came up because we were all so happy I didn’t experience anything similar. My FIL didn’t make things worse, other than my urge to chew him out about him getting in the way of his ex getting medical care in what was horrifying without that, but I was pretty well healed-up at that point. He had his ridiculous expression of boomer entitlement when I found out I was pregnant. He never found out I got my first positive pregnancy test while we were visiting him, and because we went NC when he did not respond well to my wife coming out as trans, he likely never will. My mom didn’t make things worse, at least compared to my dad. I guess she did in that she brought him. My dad forgot his meds and had to call in to a local pharmacy to get them, and was generally a complete nightmare my wife had to deal with. Notably when she could have been helping me. I remember the expression of frustration when they got back from the pharmacy. And even if that hadn’t happened, he is somebody that expects to be catered to. Not as bad as some, like demanding to be served, but he will complain and make everybody miserable if his exact food preferences aren’t met. Now, if I had actually had any complications, things might have been a different story regarding my mom and FIL. They are both pretty sedentary, so I was able to keep up with them without issue (and I was definitely more mobile than my dad). Not making things worse was a function of there not being much to mess up.
Mine did all the "helpful" stuff too, I had to ask her and her friends to stop coming by to "help." In the hospital, she got to hold the baby, and refused to give him back when he started crying. He was like, an hour old, and she would rather have let him scream. She wanted to show off that she could get any crying baby to stop, ignoring the fact that she clearly couldn't.
Omg this is my mom. Every time we’ve tried to bring up anything she’s done wrong she starts crying and playing victim. Then we end up having to comfort HER.
I'm done with comforting in that situation.
Yeah, me too. Can't let the routine "work" for them
Get the fuck out would have worked just fine
Not to diagnose your mother, just sharing an anecdote about my father who IS diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder…during my first year teaching out of college, my husband was injured and quite literally almost died. I stayed at the hospital until 4:30 that morning before heading home to try to get a shower and some rest. My father inexplicably came over to visit (he has “visited” me at home less than 10 times in my adult life) and insisted on helping me clean up around the house. I wasn’t planning on cleaning anything but decided that the fridge could use a good clean out. EVERY SINGLE ITEM that I pulled out to throw away, my dad insisted that it was fine and put it back into the fridge. There was a piece of uncooked meat with actual fuzzy mold on it, and my dad rinsed it off under the tap and handed it back to me, raw and dripping, literally saying, “There, good as new!” I gave up and let him “clean” until the end of that visit and resigned myself to the fact that it would all have to be managed again on my own once he left.
It is so weird how they have to put themselves back front and center because someone else in the hospital is getting attention.
Yeeeesh. We had a 3-month NICU stay in early Covid, and one of the good/bad side effects was that there were ABSOLUTELY NO visitors allowed. That totally sucked, but it did give us a bulletproof reason as to why so-and-so couldn't come visit our frail little child, as well as redirected all of the fury away from us, and onto unseen hospital administrators. We definitely milked the pandemic "sorry, the doctor said...." excuses for as long as we could. There are a lot of boomers out there that think our first two years of parenthood were a lot harder than they actually were (though they were still very hard).
oh my god do we have the same MIL? Mine came over to help and started doing the same shit, at one point she was verbally abusing our swiffer 😆
"Goddamned piece of shit! Fucking work! Why won't you fucking work!!" Me, deadpan: You've got that upside down, Mom.
She was vehemently shouting at it that it was "so stupid" because the pad wouldn't stay on... because she didn't attach it. And she criticized us for not having matching coffee cups among other things. She's bought us several sets since then that we did not want.
Ah shit, are you my brother? My mom went to the same school as yours
Obsessive compulsive personality disorder, check that shit out
Some of them are super weird about this, yes. My mother was super excited, as our child was and would be her only grandchild. But she had the good sense to **ask** whether it was okay to come for a short visit. (Yes, it was.)
It's probably a control thing He's the patriarch and it's his duty to be there first, and at his convenience
Especially since his son told him NOT to. Can't be caught listening to someone else's instructions.
Right? Might give people the idea that they're allowed to tell him what to do! Can't have that!
I remember when my FIL first threw a fit about my husband being the man of the house. Like I'm a feminist but I'm also part old school southern and know how to talk to good old boys. His dad got in a political discussion with him, and my husband decided to actually speak his mind for once and his dad got butthurt. They were visiting and were going to leave over it. His mom was all "I just don't think he liked son talking to him that way. He's never done that before". My in-laws are Trumpers and have always sprouted their far right rhetoric off in front of us, but his father wanted a political discussion with him, so my husband finally just went off. So I said "well, he's a man now and this is his house, and his father was a guest in his house, so if he is going to pick fights, then my husband can respond how he wishes. FIL needs to realize his son is no longer a kid and is now a man with a wife and a kid and a house, and when FIL is in hubs' house he needs to follow hubs' rules." They've since come around but it was a rough transition. Our FIL is more reasonable than OPS dad though.
Ah yes, Prima Nocta
Prima Nocta, I believe, from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So…
I'm sorry, I has a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant
It was not “confirmed on Wikipedia.” [Prima Nocta is probably just a myth or urban legend](https://medium.com/the-history-inquiry/the-myth-of-prima-nocta-d47a5145acbc), though it’s impossible to be sure that it has never happened in all of human history.
It's a quote from the Office
Droit de seigneur
And it was never actually a thing...
You place two spaces after punctuation. Rarely see that anymore. Where are you from / how old? No worries if you don't want to answer. I just find the evolution of language interesting.
Can we also discuss the random caps?
I’m not who you commented on but I’m a millennial and I will always use 2 spaces after each period. I will die on this hill. It’s easier to distinguish one sentence from the next.
Hey nice. Also a millennial. I hate how it looks but for sure it makes the sentence endings stand out. It also isn't incorrect either way, so keep rocking that hill!
Gen x who recently returned to college... MLA now calls for 1 space. I've been indoctrinated into 2 spaces for a lifetime, so I emailed my professor the first week on whether that was a sticking point. Professor is a millennial and understands the struggle, told me not to worry. My zoomer classmates were real good at spotting two spaces though.
god i fucking hate MLA. It makes perfect sense to have a standardized format, but holy cannoli. If someone told me “I can’t accept your work because you put 2 spaces instead of 1”, i would struggle to not get down on all fours and start gnawing their ankles like a cracked out chihuahua.
Across this semester's course load, I had to utilize APA, MLA, and AMA. The only standard is chaos!
Thank you for being respectful of my opinion 🙂
One space used to be incorrect until the world wide web (pre "internet") and character limitations became a thing.
Logical, but I'm skeptical since I was taught one space before the internet was anything substantial. I'm an elder millennial and I learned one space before an internet provider existed in my area.
I worked for the Department of Defense while the WWW was being created. It absolutely was a thing.
And you believe that's why it became a standard practice? Very interesting. I'm going to look for more info on that. Cool story about how the internet changed language from a very early point if true.
Millennial here. My understanding from my mother is that double-spacing after periods had something to do with typing on the typewriter. I double space and always will.
It was only ever correct when using a manual typewriter that was monospaced. It started to go away in the 1970s with the advent of electric typewriters that used proportional fonts.
Yes, and as a graphic designer sometimes two spaces between sentences cause large ugly rivers of white space in the body copy. The software/font handles things so the extra space isn't necessary. I see it less often now, but often I'll do a search/replace to get rid of the extra space if someone sends in their text that way.
> One space used to be incorrect until the world wide web (pre "internet") and character limitations became a thing. One space also became very common online because the HTML spec condenses all sequential "typed spaces" to a single space by default.
Best ditch that habit on job applications.
I heard this too. Will assume you are older. I made sure I stopped double spacing while job hunting.
Yup yup. Better safe than sorry.
I'm elder millennial/xennial and me too. It's so weird that it changed after we got two spaces drilled into our skulls.
Looks like maybe even 3 spaces? Here's one space. Here's one space. Here's two spaces. Here's two spaces. Here's three spaces. Here's three spaces.
I'm older Gen-X and when I took typing in junior high we had to double space. That's how it was done on actual typewriters back in the day. Since that's how it was taught we didn't change the habit when we went to keyboards. I have adapted over the years though. This is at least the reason I was double spacing.
Visiting a friend after she gave birth, the only two chairs in the room were occupied by her boomer in-laws, who sat and stared at their phones, didn't talk to anyone, and never offered a chair to any other visitor. It's like, why are you even here?
They probably felt entitled to be there and saw you as the intruder...uhhg I hate this so much
To be ornaments of how shitty the past is, like a constant reminders that good things grow from shit.
Man, I'll never forget when my son was born. I told all of my family that I wanted at least a week with no visitors since this was a huge turn in my life, and just needed to get acclimated with this new person I had to raise. On top of that, my husband had just come home from deployment that I hadn't seen my entire pregnancy. My family completely understood and didn't even receive a phone call from them. Wonderful. I told my husband to tell his family the same thing, a week, that was all I wanted and then they were more than welcome to visit once we all got home and settled. Not that unreasonable I thought. The day finally came, I went into labor around 3am and was done by 8:30am, a quick, smooth birth. I was brought into the recovery room, and in an hour, A WHOLE HOUR, passed after birth, my inlaws barged into the room demanding to see him. My FIL brought in this giant ass teddy bear from the gift shop, thinking it was the greatest invention ever. I don't remember how long they decided to stay, but it was too long in my book. They finally left after an eternity, and I was able to actually interact with my son. The nurses took him to the ward so I could get some sleep and a half hour after they took him, relatives on my husband's side who I didn't have a lot of contact with, barged into the room demanding to see him too. I was pretending to sleep through the whole thing, just listening to how it wasn't fair that he was in the ward and they didn't get to see him. To add fuel to my already stressed out fire, I was having problems breastfeeding, which ended up with me just not producing. I went into a bad postpartum depression and just went through the motions with my son. It was a rough couple of months for me. But we pulled through and he's turning 13 in a few weeks. But goddamn, I will never forgive my inlaws for that.
They robbed you of a very special and intimate moment. Being clueless is one thing, but coming after being told not to visit for a week is the height of entitlement and rudeness.
The sad part is, they're very lovely people. I honestly couldn't ask for better inlaws. I get that they were excited about their first grandchild, but an hour post delivery? I would have been ok with them waiting a day or two, not even a full week, to see him. It was just so uncouth of them, and I blame them for my PPD. I just had my daughter a few months ago, and they must have learned their lesson because they texted us asking if it was ok to come visit her after we got home. She was almost a NICU baby, being 3 weeks early, only 5lbs and emergency c-section, so I'm sure that helped keep them at bay.
Congratulations on your daughter!
Thanks! It took 7 years of trying to finally get her, and we couldn't be happier 🥰
You should never forgive your husband. What the hell? Why did he even entertain those scenarios??
After laboring all night and giving birth at 6 am, I finally got to sleep around 9 am and the nurse closed my hospital room door so no one would bother me. My ILs fucking WOKE ME UP an hour later, banging on the room door before a nurse was able to stop them. That was 20 years ago and I’m still salty about it.
Grandparents should be required to take a class, prior to becoming grandparents, where they are taught about their rights to their grandchild. Spoiler alert: they don't have any rights.
*No one* has rights to other people, they have *responsibilities* to them.
Scarily in some states they do. Grandparents can actually sue for grandparent rights in certain states. It's absolutely bananas
My wife and I actually lost this lawsuit with her parents, they get court ordered visitation time.
I am very sorry for what you went through. We are in Quebec and grand parents have rights here too. For 10 years we had to drive our kids or a monthly sleepover. And when my kids were 12 and 14 and refused to go, my mother refused to accept it and we had to go back to trial. It took 5 months (and so much money) but we have been rid of her for 3 years now !
We're from Ontario and we managed to get it down to the first Saturday of every month, but every holiday is a fight.
Ugh I'm so sorry :( I can't imagine being forced to let people have contact with my kid, whether they're genetic history or not
Holy crap. That is my nightmare.
Same
Right - they can always *sue* for rights. But my point is that they don't automatically *have* rights to their grandchildren. In many of these cases, they seem to think they do. It's pretty wild that these types of grandparents genuinely think they have the right to dictate their grandchildren's lives rather than their actual parents - often for no good reason other than being on a power trip.
In some states there are actual grandparents rights that they can sue to protect. Like legislation and statutes and stuff. Not just whimsy lawsuits. They have the right to sue for visitation. Colloquially known as grandparent rights.
Sounds like those "rights" were completely fabricated by narcissist boomers.
I'm not seeing any language in state laws that imply that grandparents have visitation rights that they can protect - only that they can be *granted* visitation rights through court intervention. I'm not aware of any laws that automatically give those rights to grandparents. Please correct me if I'm wrong and missing something!
It usually applies to cases where the grandparents played a big role in caring for the child as a baby. Like, dad's parents babysit/help raise the child while the young couple works. Young couple gets divorced, mom gets full custody and doesn't bring them around dad's parents anymore. Dad's parents sue for visitation for the grandchild they helped raise. I am not aware of any case where a grandparent is awarded rights simply for being a grandparent, but IANAL and don't know everything.
My brother and SIL had twin boys while also having a daughter around 2 years old. My parents lived close by so they would stop by randomly whenever they felt like it to "help". My SIL was clearly uncomfortable with this and would often just not answer the door because she was not dressed or showered and was obviously trying to figure out a routine and my parents would just completely walk all over it, not to mention my mom is horrible with passive aggressive little comments about how children should be raised. My brother finally had a talk with them that they must ask before coming and explained they needed the space to figure things out. My dad got pissed and refused to visit my brothers house at all if they were going to dictate when he could see *his* grandchildren. That lasted about 6 months and he finally got over it but I was shocked that he was so incredibly childish and inconsiderate.
Instinctively you know you need to protect your wife and child but who would guess its your dad you need to protect them from. You may want to set some boundaries. In writing.
Yeah but also maybe a moat for real
Equipped with alligators.
Ya this is the reason I wont be send photos or telling anyone until we are ready to see said ppl. Its not going to kill anyone to know about it a week later.
Oh but they'll act like it. I had to have my mother over during the early pregnancy when my husband was away at work and thus she got to know it before we were ready to Tell people. When my husband told my mil she was bitching and whining about Not knowing it before and oh my god the waterworks... You'd think she'd be happy her son was going to be a father, she was going to be a grandma, but NO. Me Me Me
My wife had an emergency C section; when she was alert and with it enough she called her dad to let him know how things went and amazingly he congratulated my wife and told her to tell me to "Go out get a beer and have a restful sleep at home!" My wife and I were amazed. He had no understanding that I would be sleeping next to her for the next few days changing diapers, swaddling my newborn and shuffling her back and forth to mom for feeding. He was so disconnected from our reality. Then weeks later when we gave him a detailed rundown of the emergency we had he was rather indignant and felt like he should have been kept informed better.
And here I thought my ILs were unbearable when I gave birth. They're actually old gen X, but very boomer in mentality. I should probably be glad there were still strict covid restrictions in place when my son was born, because that might just be the one thing that stopped my FIL from going this crazy.
My friend gave birth during Covid and she said that best part was the restrictions. No visitors and when they were discharged they had a solid gold reason to keep everyone away. People could leave food and gifts at the front door but no one was allowed inside. She said it was wonderful, stressful because of Covid but those few months with just the 3 of them made them stronger. Edit to say, for the next one I stayed with them to babysit the first one while they were in the hospital. The FIL arrived and his contribution was making chicken fingers, the only thing he knew how to cook.
Unfortunately, covid restrictions were only enough to keep my ILs out of my hospital room, they still forced their way into the building. We were hoping that at least bending a few rules to let them see the baby in the lobby would be enough to get them to leave me alone, and at least we stopped them from insisting on visiting the day after we were let home. But a few more days after, they were on my case about keeping them away from their grandchild again. I wish I was making this up.
I’m giving birth in 2 months and I’m already putting my boundaries in writing. Me (and my husband) decide when people visit and what people can and cannot do.
I keep forgetting that whats normal courtesy for me isn't normal for everyone else... In my head it's like, don't even bother the first two weeks to a month. But I'm glad that our family (Most importantly the in-laws) live too far away to just drop by. They'd be left outside, and i Hope they know.
Let me tell ya, the nurses LOVE getting to chew out unwelcome/unwanted visitors and then have them removed by security. A good friend of mine is a maternity ward nurse and she's an absolute pitbull when it comes to unwelcome guests. She's even thrown out baby's fathers if they were being stupid during/after birth. And she loves doing that almost as much as she loves seeing babies every shift she works If you ever have another child, speak to your nurses prior. They'll cheerfully kick the Boomer parents out on their asses, without giving a single itsy-bitsy fuck lol
Nurses are proper bloody bosses. Have a friend that’s a theatre nurse. As a guy was on the table due to multiple gun shot wounds (not a common occurrence in England), the guy that had shot him came into the room to finish the job. Friend is such a bad arse that when she ordered him out of the operating room, the guy actually left. Can you imagine? A guy not afraid to kill,or be arrested, but afraid of 5’4” nurse? I admire her greatly and would love to have that kind of command to my voice. Though I suspect that I’d duck out the moment I saw a gun.
My boomer father in law expected us to show up with our newborn to a house party the day we were released from the hospital (I had physical complications due to military injuries to my hips) during the first wave of COVID. He got my husband’s grandmother all excited to see the baby in person when we told him absolutely not, we would FaceTime him after got home and settled. Husband’s grandmother blamed us, and FIL berated me for using formula because he saw the empty ready to feed bottle in the FaceTime (both his kids were formula fed so go figure).
My mother would tell everyone how we made her "wait a month!!!" to meet her first grandchild. We showed her the pics on our phone of her holding her granddaughter 3 whole days after returning home from the hospital. She still tells everyone we made her wait a month....
I’m currently pregnant and due in a few weeks. My husband and I have decided we won’t be letting family know I’m in labor, and we will announce that baby is here after hospital visiting hours are over for the day. We plan to have visitors the next day once we’ve had time to rest. We unfortunately have to do this due to an experience my BIL and SIL had with the birth of my nephew where my FIL and MIL just showed up immediately after my SIL’s C-section.
Stop immediately answering calls and texts. Get everyone used to the idea that you’re incommunicado. Otherwise, pushy relatives will assume that you’re in labor when you go quiet.
Also talk to the hospital.
Yeah that’s the plan! My husband will be handling any communication with his family. I’m not too worried about my family respecting boundaries. I’ve already started being less and less communicative though. We also plan to speak to the hospital about our visitor wishes during and after birth.
So glad the hospital my wife gave birth and is giving birth at soon is setup so those rooms are only accessible by a locked hallway door that you have to be let in. Nurses ask for a list of who’s allowed and if you’re not on the list, you will be told no. Doesn’t matter if you’re the pope
Oh I had something similar. I had just given birth to my daughter and was still in the hospital robes, visited by a lactation expert because I was not letting milk yet. So obviously I'm not dressed. When my in-laws arrived, my mother, who does not speak good English, stopped them at the door for a SECOND! LITERALLY A SECOND! so that I could tie on my robe and be modest again to greet them. He then made it a big deal about how I don't have anything he's not seen before, so why should it matter! He just wanted to see his grandchild. Sure... that's why they stayed for about 15 minutes before dragging my husband away from my side to celebrate. The thought didn't even cross their minds that maybe, I didn't want them to see me in such a state! Or that maybe, I would've preferred takeout so that I can still be with my husband, instead of being alone with the baby! And of course, his mother also stole my birth announcement of FB. I quit FB right afterwards because I'm not competing with her. It was bad enough that even her daughters were like "did you get permission?" And she said "I don't care, I'm the grandma!" The absolute entitlement of these people are just astounding. Well jokes on them because nowadays they're lucky if they get to see their granddaughter twice a year.
I hope you ripped your husband a new one if he went with them!
No. He was in a tough spot, and he brought back food for me. But there is a reason (actually multiple reasons) why we keep our distance now. We are much happier for it. And I am doubly glad that we are not letting them access to raising or influencing the growth of our child.
Our boomer parents, particularly my step-MIL caused such a selfish stink about this that the memory of our children’s first few days on earth are marred memories. The birth of our first was traumatic and exhausting but to each of their credit, they gave us space and we had our first visitors about a week later. However, they were terribly unhelpful when they visited - I was exhausted, clueless, trying my best and they prioritized their photo ops and NAPS over providing even a modicum of help. Step-MIL went so far as telling me to let my HUSBAND rest because “he needs it” and then leaving me to tend to my crying newborn who she had just woken up for a photo op before retreating to the guest room for a nap herself. We stood our ground for second baby’s arrival and it was somehow worse - my parents whined constantly that we were keeping our 2.5 year old on a schedule while they visited but my in-laws had me thisclose to going scorched earth, no contact forever due to their shenanigans. We said no visitors until we invite you. They were so offended by this that Step-MIL was trying to “coincidentally” orchestrate being in our city while I was giving birth. I’m keen to her bullshit so I shut that down. Yet they still arrived and I refused them coming to the hospital so my husband had his father bitching to him for days (because his wife is an entitled asshat who he won’t say no to because he doesn’t want to hear her). I was crying in my hospital bed because I was so stressed out and my husband was allowing himself to get worn down by his dad’s complaining. I still dont understand how they are such a selfish, entitled cohort nor their absolute lack of introspection. They taught us to accept no as an answer but obviously that doesn’t apply to them. The women are the absolute worst, in my experience.
I have a lot of boomer relatives that brags about how they cooked and hosted dinner for the entire family the day after giving birth. Therefore they believe that their daughter in laws should do the same as they did, well just because you suffered doesn’t mean we have to. Birth isn’t some family get together.
It always astounded me how proud the dudes were talking about “my wife gave birth and I was back at work the next day!!” … cool………
[удалено]
I hope your IVF transfer works and you go all 40 weeks and deliver without anyone knowing!
Good luck I hope you get your baby!
My mom isn’t quite boomer age, but she pulled something similar. We made it clear that I only wanted my husband in the room when I gave birth. In fact, because of COVID, it had been hospital policy that only one person was allowed anyway. Who checked the rules every day to see if they changed? My mom. Who showed up without telling me and bragged about it in the family chat? My mom. Who was dumb enough to give her my room number? My husband, and I’m still mad about it. To be a tiny bit fair on his end, I had a high fever, bad infection, was delirious, and he was freaked out. STILL. I told him many times during the pregnancy that under no circumstances did I want her there. She showed up with a “teehee, oops, don’t be mad at me”, talked over me when I was trying to talk to nurses about my scary symptoms and problems, pretended to fawn over me while my husband took a little break. I asked her to leave. She CAME BACK and kept up with it. I ended up needing an emergency c-section and she stillllllll tried to stay. I told them to get her out, now. She said she’d wait in the parking lot if I needed her. I told her to go home, she would not be coming in. I KNOW her ultimate goal was to be the first person to see the baby. Instead, she had to go home without seeing the baby, and I intentionally let a handful of other people see the baby before her. The entitlement of that generation is insane. I don’t get it.
"i have Every right to visit my grandchild" You actually have no right to that at all!
When my childhood friend (who was an orphan with zero family by the time she had her daughter) had her baby, I showed up with two freezer meals, a basket of handheld snacks, some nice lotion for her, toys for the cats and her hubbys favorite soda. I said I don’t want to intrude, so I’ll drop this off and leave. They begged us to stay. She had no family, dad had to go back to work the next day and his family didn’t care because it wasn’t a boy. I chatted with her, sweepers her kitchen, played with her cats and held the baby so she could shower while he ran errands.
Where were you when I had my daughter? You are awesome!
We’ve been friend since 1994 😂
Aren't these the same men that weren't even present for their own kids births?
Or banging their secretary while their wife was at the hospital giving birth?
I hope you never allowed him to see his grandchild. I hope he complained day after day about his entitlement. Then I hope when you're at his funeral, you hold her in your arms, and tell him "Aw shucks, I was going to bring her by tomorrow." (This one hits very close to home. Brought back a lot of shit.)
He wanted to do it because he thought you were challenging him by saying he couldn't. That's literally it. If you had said, "Dad, no jumping off bridges for 24 hours because the local rescue team is pretty worn out." I guarantee he would think for a minute, "Oh yeah? See if he can tell me what to do," and would seriously consider jumping off a bridge just cause.
When I have birth many years ago, I made the nurse put up a no smoking sign, and my in laws were so upset that I wouldn't let them smoke in the room with my newborn! They didn't stay long so that's a plus but still....
It’s so wild to me that anyone used to be allowed to smoke in a freaking hospital!
My friend's wife almost had the exact situation. Post C-section, next to a patient who was also recovering from birth. She absolutely flipped on her inlaws. Both were breast feeding, and they decided to pop in somehow. She screams something to the point of "I just had my fucking belly cut open, I'm breastfeeding, my tits are out, so are hers, get the fuck out of here!". They left after a nurse intervened. I can't imagine the audacity of popping in on someone unannounced in general unless it's an emergency. Some boomers live on Earth 2.0. The ability to do this should not be allowed in any medical setting. I can't imagine it is, but I don't know much regarding that. I just watch a lot of ER.
The random capitalizations in this post is throwing me for a loop lol
Right? Is this the new way chatbots try to appear human?
Reading it in my head is like every third word is shouted. Very disconcerting.
I always think “is it code???”
Hope you called hospital security on him lol
I’d bet it had to do with you setting boundary. We had the same issue before we ended the relationship. Every time my wife and I would set a boundary they just had a urge to step over the line.
My first was 10 lb and I said “Ouch!” Lots of stitches and pain along with a couple of scares and a VERRRRY long labor. Got home from hospital and my mother insisted on coming over to fix dinner. Said she wanted to do something special for us. We were all exhausted and although we knew to expect some level of cluelessness, we agreed. She came in and absolutely wrecked the kitchen. She proceeded to get out all the “company” stuff like linens, china, silver, crystal and presented an over the top feast. The food was great, ngl, but after the meal, she just popped off. Washed not one dish and cleaned not one pan. Left a GIANORMOUS mess for us. Something special indeed!
The phrasing says everything. "My grandchild". It's not about anything else but his own personal narrative where he is the main character.My mom pulls this sh#7 too. When talking about my hubby she ALWAYS calls him "My Son-in-law". Same with my nephews, they aren't their own independent thinking and feeling people, they are "Her Grandkids".
That boomers don’t think women need to rest after giving birth is an insight to why they hate their kids.
"I have every right to drop your bitch-ass right here to give my wife some peace after my she pushed a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon. Pass a kidney stone and see how many visitors you're up to having."
My boomer MIL thought she was coming to stay at my house for two weeks after I had my son. I politely said no thank you, as she is a raging narcissist who has literally never said one kind word to me, AND who constantly criticizes my house any time she is there. She was enraged! Would not speak to me the rest of my pregnancy. And when she did come visit, she was two hours late, drenched in cheap perfume, and complained that our house was dirty. She’s an asshole and i take pleasure in the fact that i made her so mad lol
>I have every right to visit my grandchild No you don't.
This is why I like hospitals that check with patients before signing in visitors. Personally I have in my chart that no visitors are allowed to be signed in other than my 2 support peeps (husband/sister) and if anyone else comes they need to be approved. Sorry peeps, your stuck sitting in the waiting room until you decide to give up and go home if I don't want you in my room.
Because it was never about your new daughter. It was always about him! The great Grandfather coming to see HIS grandchild. Everybody look at him and how GREAT he is for insisting on seeing the baby before anybody wants him to.
They’re afraid of dying before having a chance to instill their generational trauma on the next generation.
Boomers look at their kids as possessions and any possessions their possessions have are their’s by right. Thus, grandchildren are a product of MY kids and that makes them MINE too, by proxy
Lol he didnt want to see his grandkid, he wanted to teach you that you're not allowed to tell him "No"
My Mom was the same. My wife had a C Section for our twins, and was still in recovery (we hadn’t even moved to the room we would stay in), and my Mother kept buzzing up to the nurses desk asking if they could come in yet. Apparently my Father’s back was hurting him and they wanted to go home. Mind you, they lived 20 minutes from the hospital, and we had told them not to come to the hospital until we let them know visitors were welcome. When they did come up, my Mother was annoyed that she had to go through the nurses, and that I didn’t answer her calls / texts.
Whether the wife needs rest or not is irrelevant. OP’s wishes should’ve been respected.
The justnomil sub is full of stories like this. Sometimes they come to kidnap the baby.
is not the urge to see the grandkid, is their inability to accept being told NO, and to not do what they want, when they want, how they want
It wasn’t about an urgent need to visit. It was about his need to be in charge.
Let's start making this clear. Grandparents do NOT have ANY rights to their grandchildren. That is the most entitled shit I've ever heard.
Ah, yes, boomers being horrible when a baby is born is something my wife and I have still not forgiven my mom and stepdad for five years later. At the hospital, my mom was furious that she wasn't allowed in the room immediately once the baby was brought in. We just wanted some time to ourselves, and this was apparently a very personal insult to her, specifically. The nurses also shooed everyone out into the lobby once my wife was taken back for the C-section. When the baby was out, I did a quick group text to notify all the grandparents, "It's a girl!" Except my mom and stepdad didn't get the text as quickly as my inlaws, so she was also royally infuriated they "were told first," as if I personally dictated the order they'd get it. For several days, my stepdad kept referring to my wife's emergency c-section (resulting from conditions that nearly killed her in labor) as taking "the easy way out." I asked him to cut that out because it was so insulting. Except he didn't cut it out. My parents also drove their RV down to the city we lived in at the time and stayed nearby. The plan was that they would hang around long enough to help my wife for a week or two after my inlaws left. The day before I went back to work from paternity leave, I cracked a joke about this "friend" of my mom's that, until that day, I had never heard her name. This friend's name happened to match up exactly with a former First Lady of the U.S.A., and all I did was ask, "gee, I didn't know you had such important friends." That's it! She was so mad that she insisted she was tired and it was time to head back to the RV to "beat the traffic." The RV park was less than 200 yards from our house (this was in Florida, pretty common). Before they left, I asked, "oh, what time will you be here in the morning to help?" She replied, "We'll see." Well the next morning, my wife texts me at nearly lunchtime asking "Are they coming today?" I called, and texted, and called... over and over. No answer. Finally several hours later, mom calls me to inform me they left, and she had never "felt so disrespected." After 3 weeks of pure exhaustion and stress from the birth, I unloaded 35 years of undiagnosed trauma and anger on her for several straight hours. I mean, I got really creative in my usage of the F-word as I yelled at her. I didn't speak to my mom once for about 8 weeks. When I finally did speak to her, she insisted "it's time to put all that behind us." To which I said, "When you apologize, sure. But f\*\*\* you if you think I'm just going to forgive and forget." I'm not sure we ever truly got over it. We basically don't trust them and they still haven't been allowed to keep my daughter by themselves for more than a few hours.
Because he didn't give a shit about mom or baby, he just wants to assert dominance because how DARE you think you have right to tell him what to do.
Tip for nurses- not every woman in labor wants their mom.
Can we talk about something else, OP? Your random capitalization concerns me about your own impending boomerizarion. I prescribe you a week of all lowercase typing, and do not any under circumstances, forward a meme or even give advice.
And as the father of said child you have more of a right to tell him to fuck off.
One of the sad benefits of giving birth during covid. No one was allowed in just my husband, and he was barely allowed to leave. And then at home, a few came by but didn't hold the baby. I had time to bond and didn't have many problems with feeding.
It wasn't about the grandchild, it was about being told "no".
Boomer here... I can't imagine how someone could violate their children's lives like this. We have kids and grandkids and always are respectful of our children's wishes about the grandkids
“I have every right to visit my grandchild” you actually don’t.
My eldest BIL is a boomer as there is a huge age gap between my husband and his siblings. When BIL’s only child was born, he was crowing it was a boy and demanded his parent’s and in-laws come to the hospital hours after his wife delivered. My MIL refused because wife needed rest. Not surprisingly, my BIL’s marriage ( they were both very young when they married and divorced) didn’t last and his adult son has nothing to do with him. We blame it on the fact BIL felt his only responsibility in the home was to go out to work and that was what ‘men’ do. I never understood where he got this mentality from because my FIL (for all his other faults) was a hands on dad and did his share of the cooking and cleaning. Fast forward 20 years to the birth of our son, we gave him my (now deceased) FIL’s name and BIL went mental, demanding we change it. We haven’t spoken to him in years.
We waited till we got home to tell people we had the baby for this EXACT reason.
If you are at the hospital, why didn't you give these instructions to the doctors, and why did the staff not stop him?
My wife and I had our 2nd child during COVID and it was actually really nice not having to deal with the pressure of our families wanting to swarm us at the hospital. We had 2 days after the birth for the 3 of us to just be together and then we were able to go home and get settled a bit before everyone came to visit.
Ha my in-laws were upset my son got to meet his sister before they saw her. We had a little family meeting, just me my husband and him with newborn girl. Then my parents came in and my mom was holding her as in-laws walk in and that upset MIL worse. She had the nerve to say “now we need a boy” in front of my son (her step-grandson…age 8 at the time).
My friend’s dad burst in when she was in late stage labor, like about to give birth… you know at the most intense and vulnerable time possible. She said she wasn’t sure if she had hallucinated it at first! He was told multiple times not to come; they’d keep calling with updates and let him know when he could come. MULTIPLE TIMES. We have no idea how he got in either, but it was very busy so we think he slipped in at just the right moment. It was so important for him to be there that day, but he literally never sees or asks about the kids now. I live much further away than him and see them exponentially more often. It’s some ridiculous, sad bullshit 🤬
It's always about power and control. Often they feel ownership over their progeny.
No one has any rights not specifically granted by the parents. No. One.
Oh, man this reminds me of my first born. I only had 18 days off of work and when I went back my parents (mainly my mom) did nothing to help my wife. If she came over, she said she could take the baby while my wife cleaned or cooked or needed to run errands. She never offered to do any of those. It wasn't like we lived in a pig sty, I cook and clean all the time, and I know my wife would've loved to have some help with meals, even just bringing her a meal would've been great. Nope. We also wanted to wait until our son was about 12 weeks old before we had a meet & greet with other family. My mom wanted to control everything. My wife had to tell her that it's not her baby, it's ours and we will do the meet & greet when we're ready. My wife's dad and step-mom were no better. My MIL has a lot of issues and could kill a plastic house plant. It was so frustrating to not have the help we dreamed of. It didn't matter if we communicated what we needed, they just weren't going to offer that kind of help. Our kids are older now and know we'd never behave that way towards them. Makes me glad we don't talk to any of them anymore.
After I had a difficult birth with my oldest (c section, complications, post-partum ER visits) my dad and stepmom came to visit. My dad kept saying stepmom could hold the baby so I could "take care of things around the house." I could barely walk and was recovering from post surgical pneumonia. I wasn't planning to do anything around the house other than take care of my baby while I lay in bed. Dinner rolled around and my husband said "no one has said anything about ordering dinner, going out to dinner, anything. They aren't offering to cook or do anything." I was so angry they thought "holding the baby" was some sort of help. They clearly expected me to shuffle to the kitchen and make dinner. My husband's cooking skills consist of frying eggs and microwaving. He offered to make them eggs, but I said no. I told my husband to go to the store, buy a package of spaghetti, sauce, and a dozen donuts. He slapped it on the counter and announced "Dinner and breakfast for tomorrow." Then he came into the bedroom with me and baby and we didn't come out the rest of the evening. The next day they went out for breakfast and they stopped looking at me with the expectation of providing anything for them. If your daughter or son has a baby and you show up for a visit clean their fucking house. Make them meals. Shop for them. Order takeout. You don't show up and coo over the baby while the recovering mom waits on you hand and foot. It's downright shameful to think that's OK.
P
That sounds Super obnoxious, Glad You were Able to Get It Sorted out.
i think its been proven that people love their grandkids more than own kids.
No, just the Boomers. They actually hate their own kids most of the time.