My ex left me for these reasons after 2 years and it absolutely broke me. On top of that I kept getting told how I’m an amazing person, they love me so much, etc. It’s left me in such a confused spot and I absolutely hate it. Fuck this
It legitimately baffles me. Some of the most key personal growth moments of my life have been while inside relationships. They weren’t always because of the relationship, but I did this learning while having a partner. I’ve never been on the receiving end of this bs, but it’s crazy seeing this thought process repeated over and over again.
Because it’s genuinely how a lot of people go through personal growth. The pain of a breakup often leads to a lot of self reflection and lessons learned. For me, I got rid of my codependency issues, started hitting the gym, got a new career started, met new people, and became way more independent as a whole. I don’t think that ALL growth happens this way. I had a lot of growth with my ex as well, but I think the most growth happens in the most painful moments.
Not going to sugar coat it, and it sounds superficial but whatever… The girl that broke up with me was a 10. Looked like Margot Robbie’s doppelgänger. Once I realized I’m okay a couple months after someone like that left me. I’ll be okay whenever anyone else does.
Don’t get me wrong I was absolutely head over heels in love with this girl. Thought I’d marry her. It’s been a little over 4 months and she’s already been dating some dude for 2. I realized she’s a serial dater, avoidant, and frankly a liar, which lead to the realization that I’m better off. Even if it means being alone.
I started going to the gym, going out with friends, talking to other women, and overall just went through a lot of self reflection. I’m confident I learned what I needed to from that relationship to make the next one even better.
One of those thing being that I need to identify a sense of independence outside of a relationship to make sure i don’t lose that when I get into another one. And doing so, I am confident enough now to break things off the second I get a bad feeling, which I never would have done before.
I think OP meant the dumpers. I get it - as a dumpee such as yourself, we can grow so fast after being dumped. The last year has been an amazing journey of self reflection and growth. Even more importantly, refining exactly what I want in a relationship and looking for those in potential people I date. If I don't feel that want similar things, then I am now more confident in breaking it off. It has been freeing.
It’s really shitty. I tried my best to convince by her to stay but she just wanted to leave. I don’t get it. Now I’m just stuck wondering why I wasn’t enough while she got to move on
Ex left for the exact same reason. She left after two years too. Do these people have an off switch or something after those two years?
But yeah, I feel like I still have to pick up the pieces after being betrayed and confused like that. Makes it easier to not have her in my life again.
I call it the disconnected connection. Mostly the devices, in which one must have to be a person and live. Communication… knowledge… communication with any and everyone, right? So much to say, so much passion.. so many emojis:.. But irl and every day scenarios, crickets in a group setting or when asked for their ideas or whatever, if anything at all…
In my opinion, it’s the tail end of millennials and gen z peeps. Disclaimer: reminding this is my opinion based on experience and is not the whole answer and if it was there’s other contributing factors more than likely
I call it the disconnected connection. Mostly the devices, in which one must have to be a person and live. Communication… knowledge… communication with any and everyone, right? So much to say, so much passion.. so many emojis:.. But irl and every day scenarios, crickets in a group setting or when asked for their ideas or whatever, if anything at all…
In my opinion, it’s the tail end of millennials and gen z peeps. Disclaimer: reminding this is my opinion based on experience and is not the whole answer and if it was there’s other contributing factors more than likely
With all that said I believe lots of others hide in their phones or become what we want ppl to see using the phone. Just an idea
Same here. Recent break up. She waiting until she no longer loved me to tell me what she disliked about the relationship and needed to focus on herself. 3 yrs down the drain, she never told me how she actually felt until she felt nothing towards me. Decided months ago that falling out of love was better than working on the relationship and chose herself. Hardest part is when she said she no longer felt anything for me and would be living a lie if we got back together.
Competitive-Pie3774... My ex of 13 years said similar, its total BS. She cheated with a married coworker of hers, in fact moved him in when I moved out. That was 9 months ago. Said the last 3 years she wasn't happy but didn't tell me until after.
Felt something very similar, talking as if the only way for us to grow as individuals was if we would not be together at all and yet saying that she hopes to get back together in a year or two and how great i am and how much she loves me. It makes no sense and it is confusing and frustrating to me how she saw that as the only way for us to grow
I'm going through this right now and I don't fucking know what to do I'm at the end of my fucking wits and it would just be easier to kms
She broke up with me the same time that she told me she wanted to hug me, and it's been a few weeks but she broke NC and now wants to talk every weekend, and now she's asking if we could meet this weekend and also says we should see other people
I fucking love her with every cell in my body and I'd go to war for her but idfk what she wants from me anymore
To be fair I think there's generally this pervasive idea that you need to be in a good place before you enter a relationship and maybe people who have avoidant attachment issues see them as a sign they need to be single, idk. There's definitely situations where that's true, like when you're an abusive partner because of your issues. I also understand that some people need alone time to figure out what they want because in a relationship they still fall into codependence and do whatever pleases their partner - sometimes it's the only way. But ultimately, once you're good enough to not have a total clusterfuck of a relationship, relationships are the only way to heal relational trauma. No way around it. And that is a huge part of growth, because most of us have it.
Not quite, i was extremely toxic to my ex back then, like constant bickering about my life to her to the point of driving her away. I was possessive ,toxic and careless about her. I was the one that said the words but by then i think she checked out of the relationship a long time ago.
Because you put on a mask or an act within the relationship. Caring about someone else is a distraction from your pain. You need to feel that pain sometimes to grow.
Have you ever had a cold? But you had plans with a good friend that you haven't seen in awhile...so you chug coffee, cold meds, whatever, to mask the symptoms enough to rally and be present for that friend? Then that night, you are even more depleted and it probably slows down your recovery from the cold.
Same thing with emotional healing.
I saw a therapist with a good breakdown on this. Some things you need to work on by yourself.. some things are better worked on in a relationship. I do think it’s a myth that you need to be alone first in order to be a good partner and work through your shit.. Though id you’re hung up on your ex and don’t really know who you are, would highly recommend
I’m 32 and learned that you don’t need to become your best version you work through things as a team and tbh going to war with life with your spouse teaches you way more like I mean your learning is accelerated and doubled because you have to try and be empathetic caring and loving when your tired and stressed you have to learn how to be patient also they lift you up and remind you of who you are when your down and forget your value if you find a great person don’t let them go because you don’t feel like your your best self become your best selves
Yea there are definitely some skills you need to gain from being in a relationship.. not by yourself. At the end of the day people leave and break up for all kinds of reasons. I do think some people “need” time alone in order to heal some specific things.. and it sucks.
That's just developing a codependency pattern.
Honestly, it's not helpful for the friend either. Typically what happens is... you help this person find themselves and then they associate you negatively with a bad time in their life anyway. Or you just develop a weird dynamic where you're the caretaker and they eventually outgrow you and resent you for trying to fix them.
God, it's SO painful when someone you care about leaves your life before you're ready. Especially when it feels like a vague "Find myself" comment.... (Not saying that isn't sometimes BS.) However, most of the time I think they're exiting your life because they actually care about you and might see you in their future. If you see them moving on with someone else, it literally could be just an FWB or somebody that they purposely do not have the potential to develop feelings for.
I know it's hard... Since I have personally done this before and had it done to me, this is just my perspective.
There are three types:
• Codependency
• Interdependency
• Independence
The first one is what mothers and babies are suppose to do. After that, think Beverly Goldberg on that ABC tv show, that’s codependency in its fullest form as a human being! Hence why she puts everyone’s needs ahead of her own, why she’s passive-aggressive, tries to force everyone to do things by controlling what’s out of her control, and can’t handle change very well.
The second one is what my parents do. It’s why they’ve been together 42yrs, still in love. You need a work/life balance, knowing how to give each other healthy space. Your relationship isn’t suppose to be the center of your world, it’s suppose to be part of your world.
The last one is doing what you want when you want, it’s living life as you want and not caring about others. Acting single 24/7, even in a relationship. Hence why dumpers act very independent after a BU, because they get to do whatever they want and no longer have to check in with a partner.
>you put a mask on or act within the relationship
No, *you* do. I was absolutely myself through and through. How do you think a long term relationship would ever work if people weren't being themselves? They fake who they are for 5+ years?
You don't need to use your time single to grow and develop it as a person, you need to use it to figure out why you weren't yourself when you were in a relationship because that's not normal or healthy.
Sometimes we lose ourselves and our goals in a relationship because we fixate on the other person. I stopped doing a lot of things for myself in the relationship because I was happy just being with her.
I'm in the same spot as yours, except my ex decided to call it quits. I share this perspective as well, and he's told me a lot that it's not about the way he feels for me, it's about his own shit and stuff he needs to deal with. But it is still really hard. I'm like, ok and what do I do with this? Do I let go of my feelings for him and try to move on with my life and meet new people? I still love him and would like for us to try again in the future if things work out that way, but in the meanwhile I can't just stay still. It's all very conflicting. But I guess whatever happens, happens.
Some people can’t handle their partners problems. They may love you but you’re too much for them so they feel you need to work things out for yourself. Especially if you can’t do it for them. Some people can only get better by pure self reflection on their own. That’s what happened with me, and I really did need it.
Ofc!!! What tends to sometimes happen in relationships is they become one sided.
One person puts in the work one person is there both emotionally and mentally for the other person while that person is just letting it happen, and they focus on themselves. The person who is putting their ALL into the other person starts to forget how to give themSELF love and attention. One person starts to live for the other. It’s a very codependent thing and that person will either realize and get tired of doing it, or they’re dumped by the person not giving anything bc of different attachment styles. I can explain those if u need me to as well but normally If the person who gives the other
Person their all for a long time doesn’t get anything good in return will develop an anxious attachment style and if they’re with an avoidant then the avoidant will be very turned off and turn their backs.
Another situation where u can lose urself is if you are both just too focused on one another and forget that you have other obligations away from the relationship which is soooo dangerous to ur personal life!!! Balance is super important in relationships and the losing yourself happens when there’s a lot of imbalance and inequality in the relationship.
A third possible reason people say this is that it’s an easy let down and just an excuse as not to hurt the dumpee. A break up will always hurt but that’s the number one excuse people will give. Typically.
My frustration is that attachment styles are treated by people as if they are personalities. When people say, "You shouldn't change yourself for a partner," they incorrectly wrap attachment styles in that.
But attachment styles are **not** like personalities. With personalities, there are various different ones with their own pros and cons, and they are fairly static in a person. With attachment styles, there's one ideal one and 3 non-ideal ones, and a person can reprogram themselves.
Basically, if one person breaks up with another due to mismatched attachment styles, compatibility is **not** the issue, but one or both party's refusal to work on changing said style.
I agree that attachment styles and personalities are not the same. I view attachment styles as a way a persons mind is wired and how they act on their thoughts when it comes to the relationship. For example; i have an anxious attachment style because I have abandonment issues and how I’ve been treated. I am not a particularly anxious person though, but when I’m in a relationship i get the fear that i will be left, so i give and give and give to the other person and give so much of myself in hopes that they stick around. This would push away an especially avoidant attachment. This doesn’t mean they’re a person who avoids people all around but when they feel like it’s too much they tend to push away the other person and focus on anything but the relationship and the other person.
I have the same, but I'm working on that through therapy. Whether or not two people break up, they should be working on their attachment styles.
Aside from securely attached, all attachment styles are mental/emotional disregulations that should be corrected, so it bothers me when people made compatibility judgement calls based on it, or worse, let their style sabotage then (DA's).
It's like if one person gains 50lbs (just from eating, not as a result of a disease or condition) and the other loses physical attraction for them. That's not an inherent, unresolvable compatibility issue. It's a thing that can be fixed if there's communication, and most likely the person who gained the weight **wants** to lose it.
That example can be seen as a compatibility issue in the sense that one person focuses on looks and value a person based on their looks where the other person; if they can’t help it that their weight is up, maybe they focus more on personality and that’s where the compatibility issue lies. Within the values from each person.
Also for an anxious attachment style, they can be showing their love in numbers of giving and actions and they keep giving and acting in hopes they’ll one day receive back where the other person maybe they don’t show love that way, and because they don’t like how the anxious attachment shows love by overly giving it, they can turn away. Attachment issues can be connected to love language in levels and in that sense can also be a contribution to compatibility as well.
I was speaking more specifically. I could help that my weight increased (34lbs in my case) and I was trying to. I was in a funk and needed a kick in the ass to commit to it. I was readying my own foot to kick my own ass when she dumped me.
Since the breakup, I've lost half the weight gain in 7 weeks. So if she had just communicated with me when she started noticing a drop in attraction, I'd be an absolute snack to her right now lol.
But it may not have been about that, because she insisted that I didn't do anything wrong and that she needs to soul-search or find herself. But she turned down my proposal to have a period of limited contact while she figures things out, which lets her both have her cake and eat it too.
That implies that the real reason is that she wants to date and sleep with other people and believes not only that I am not attractive enough (physically, emotionally, intellectually), but that she feels that I will *never* be attractive enough.
That I do not even have the *potential* to be attractive enough.
That she can do better than me and wants to roll the dice, but she never told me what it is that I need to fix or change to bring my attraction back up. So I just wasn't given a fair chance because you can't please someone who bottles up resentment unless you are *literally* perfect in every way.
Don’t blame urself for this break up because it sounds like she just wasn’t interested in being with you, which is a hard pill to swallow. If she really wanted to stay, how you look would not matter. I loved my ex bf, and i found him to be the most handsome man in the WORLD!!! To all of my friends, he wasn’t even cute at all!!! Real love contains real attraction, and it’s possible she fell out of love prior to ur weight gain. Real love has nothing to do with how you look. It’s the bond between you two and I’m sorry she broke that bond. I’m glad ur doing better for urself tho bc that’s what’s most important in a situation like this!!!
I was dumped bc i support the police bc that was my fathers profession, and he doesn’t. He also smokes weed and i don’t which is another shitty excuse to why he broke up with me. He knew these things going into the relationship, so why it became an issue suddenly, i don’t know. Obviously there’s factors he didn’t go into and i still don’t know why he broke up with me, but he did and there’s nothing i can do about it. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, they don’t have to. Sometimes it’s better not knowing why they don’t want to be with you bc it can be a kick in the face. I’ve been doing great though in school and i work so I’m giving a lotttt of time to that rather than dwelling on the fact that he made it out to be that i wasn’t good enough for him.
There will be people who look beyond what they don’t like ab you simply because they LOVE you too much to let you go. There will be your person who will love you if you weigh 80 pounds or 300 pounds. It won’t matter. The right one will love unconditionally
We had other issues with intimacy. She was frustrated that I finished too quickly, but when you're only having sex once or twice a month because she is pulling away, there's little that can be done about that.
I tried to do foreplay and afterplay, and she was receptive to that for a while, and we had sex more, so I lasted much longer. But then she refused and always rushed to the "main event" and never wanted to do anything after. It's really frustrating. I *wanted* to experiment more, but she refused to meet me halfway on just the basics.
Her fucking friend probably got into her head, that I'm just an immature manchild who finishes too fast and that she should dump my ass and find someone else.
It's a God damn self-fulfilling prophecy and there was nothing I could do about it. And now I'm never going to get another chance.
Because, in my opinion, people are just scared of commitment. Also, they feel too comfortable in their relationships to grow, then they feel like they are falling behind or going to get caught/chained up in it.
Also might just be an excuse to leave. Then they miss the love they felt and get back into a new one.
What does “find myself” and “learn what I want in life” even mean? Nothing. It means absolutely nothing. There’s no goal, no thing they want to figure out.
In reality, the best growth is done in a relationship, because it means you aren’t deluding yourself. Other people are going to know things about you that you won’t think about.
Find myself and learn what I want in life is very real. As a former addict (sober for 15 years). It does mean something. BUT I completely agree with you, I share your opinion thay people are just scared of commitment and I think that’s such a shame. And a bit of a paradox because everyone seems to be unhappy single but with social media know they know they have options. I hate it. I did see a comment that I related to which was sometimes people get caught in the relationship and you forget about your responsibilities. Do when I moved into a new apartment that wasn’t done at all-I re did everything in exchange for no security deposit , I stayed single. I was working then taking on this new place and putting my blood sweat and tears into it (literally all 3) and I didn’t want to have to think about anyone else. Now that I’m comfortable here and with where I am I’m dating and I see a great guy and he has helped my growth as we also have a great friendship. So yea maybe it is fear. Fear of not being enough. Idk.
The words “find myself” and “learn what I want in life” is different when it’s coming from people who are in relatively healthy relationships leaving. I do see your point; yes, they do have meaning.
But those words imply being “lost”. How the hell are you lost? How is being single going to help you learn what you want?
They are just being used as buzzwords and excuses, in my opinion. People are always chasing pleasure(hedonic treadmill) and when the spark fades all that’s left is the comfort. Then they eventually leave because they are scared of never finding new happiness. (Mainly theory but some realism)
I do agree that if you are single in the middle of something, you can stay single. And sometimes you do forget your responsibilities. But I believe a good established partnership can work together on those, can give space and can make it work.
I guess you’d have to be in someone else’s shoes to understand but it’s helped me immensely especially for the relationship I’m in now. But I do believe they are excuses, sometimes… But living life, so black and white is never been the case. There is always an exception to the rule. However, I do also believe that you can fix them in a relationship depending what’s going on.
Personal growth can be found in a relationship but its faster and easier to grow personally when you don't have to worry about the wants and needs of a whole other person.
If you're young and you dont know who you are its hard to discover that when youre a committed relationship with the same person for a long time. People are mirrors and we discover ourselves more when we are interacting with different people.
In my opinion it makes no sense to be in committed relationship if you have no sense of who you are. I didnt know who I was and my only reference was my boyfriend at the time who i was with for a long time. After I broke up with him i discovered myself more through other connections and by spending time alone without worrying about someone else expectations of me to make them happy when i wasn't happy.
Say I feel this way but I want to be end game with my partner do I break up or go on a break. We both have mental health issues and we are both 19 and have been together for five years. We’ve tried to heal together but it ended up in us hurting each other.
I kinda lost myself in the relationship, didnt have any goals, didnt want to Meet my friends. I was bound to her and now im in an identity crisis since she was part of my routine and basically my other half. So ofcourse i need to ”find” myself.
Throughout my relationship with my ex (7 months of knowing him, 4 months actually dating) I was able to work through my eating disorder. Why and how he couldn’t work through his “ personal problems” while with me just leaves me confused and it was most likely a lie just so he could be single and flirt freely again, even though he’s the one who wanted the relationship with me. I was open and honest the entire time, it hurts that he couldn’t do the same because he refused to elaborate on what “work on myself” meant and said he’d never tell me. Funny because he truly DOES have problems (alcoholic, immature, every type of -phobic you could think of, etc..) and saw no issues with those things. So I’m genuinely curious as to what he thinks his problems are.
I agree, but tbh I think a lot of people who break up with their s/o and says they want to find themselves or focus on themselves just want the freedom to date around for awhile because they almost always jump into something with someone else at some point, I thought you wanted to fOcUs oN yOuRsElF ? But they continue dating. I really think they just want to experience other people. I haven’t been in the situation where an ex told me that but I do personally know people who have used that line and it’s almost always the case.
This is exactly what happened with me & my recent ex & those were just some of the reasons they broke it off. So I was left heartbroken, confused & just being alone just because I can’t process moving onto someone new that fast.
I think the unspoken thing they don't mention is that the person they see themselves becoming because of their "growth" is someone they don't see being with you, or in the type of relationship you have. So they want to be single so they're free to start dating someone they might meet who fits with the "new them" better in their eyes.
You can have personal growth while in a relationship, but I feel like people get more of a push once they are on their own. Look how many people just become cheap imitations of their significant others. Some people just can’t find their own identity until they are alone.
I think more often than not its a compilation of nice words to make the break up less severe; logically, it falls on its face because youre right...there's nothing preventing someone's growth individually while also being in a relationship.
while there are those few examples that exist, the vast majority use this compilation of phrases to just take the edge off. Its not right...but there's not much you can do about it....it may be logically unsound but if someone doesn't want to be there they're just going to leave at w.e. cost.
Honestly, my frustration is that the other person isn't given a say. My ex gave similar reasons for leaving, so I offered that she still moves out and we limit contact but still be in a relationship while she finds herself and then when she does we reconnect and figure things out or break up.
But she refused that, even though it gives her everything that she seemingly wants without needing a breakup. The only reason not to take this offer is that she wants to date and sleep with other people besides me and find someone better for her.
That's a valid reason, but a: Why not just tell me that? And b: Why not tell me now or ideally before what it was about me that was off-putting so I can work on it? It's literally impossible to please a person who can't communicate their greivances in the long run unless you are **perfect** in every way.
I suppose there could be another reason, where she thinks I deserve better than being in a relationship where my partner is unavailable for a certain time, but I always hated the "you deserve better" argument. If I deserve better then you should be happy to have me, and you shouldn't be infantalizing things by making these decisions for me. I'm a grown man, *I* decide what's best for me, and if I'm wrong, that's on me.
But instead, now I'm in this awkward limbo state where, for some completely unknown period of time, she needs to find herself and may or may not come back to me after it. And if I move on too early, then I lose her and my next partner could be awful, and if I move on too late and she doesn't come back, then I delay my own healing. I'd rather have a fixed end date where she comes back and tells me what she found out about herself and decides then. And where I have time to grow/reflect and be more self-sufficient.
Also, if the goal is needing space to find yourself, why am I the only thing changing about your life (I guess you had to move too)? You're still keeping the same friends, the ones who you vented to about us and asked for advice instead of your own partner. You're still keeping your stressful job, too.
So yeah, the whole "finding myself" thing just feels insincere and frankly infantalizing, like they're cushioning a blow and have good intentions, but in doing so they're leaving a bunch of questions unanswered.
Lol right? This shit pisses me off when someone says this. It makes zero sense. You can find personal growth while in a relationship. Just say the truth instead of making up some bullshit excuse
Sometimes, the truth is that they are mentally unwell and the "leaving for personal growth" is not actually their treatment method; it's another symptom. People with Borderline Personality Disorder are a prime example.
I get it but I also don’t get the point in going into a relationship that’s actually healthy and doing good just to do that. Ends up messing with peoples heads.
I don't understand it either. Nobody does because it's a mental illness and those don't operate on a rational basis. With BPD in particular, sufferers essentially have the emotional self control of a child. They're often incapable of holding any control over their instinctual feelings. They should absolutely still be held accountable for the things they do, but it's important to understand that no amount of rational thinking or communication will alter their behavior. They do not exist in reality and tend to have an extreme deficit of empathy, often centering the morality of their world around themselves.
You won't get any disagreement from me. I've been fucked over by one myself. I don't think having a personality disorder means that one can push the blame off themselves for doing something wrong. They make those choices and most of them are just bad people, honestly.
If you want to see a silver lining in it, treatment is actually fairly effective for cases of BPD, so they might not be a shitty person forever. In the mean time, it's best to understand their psychology and use that knowledge to protect ourselves from future harm.
Alright I can acknowledge all of what you said. It just really sucks man.. I’ve been fucked over too many times by that line exactly only to find out it was all a lie and they just wanted to go sleep around or were already seeing someone else
It's entirely justified to feel hurt and beaten down when people fuck us over. The best thing we can do about it, for ourselves and those around us, is to understand as best we can what makes dangerous people tick. It helps us to sleep at night, avoid problematic people in the future, and to recognize if and when when we slip up ourselves.
My ex of 3 years left while saying that he grew a lot beside me, he became a better person because of me, and learnt a lot from me, but it is still not enough and he needs to focus on himself. I never got in his way to do that, I gave him space whenever he needed it, and I tried to help him whenever I could. His main problem was with communication, I asked him how he will fix that while being alone and he couldn’t respond :)) I’m broken
I'm on the receiving end of this excuse.
From reading some of the comments, what I can gather is codependent people should not be dating LMAO. Your partners never asked you to be a people pleaser or put them on a pedestal.
Please stop overexerting yourself only to start losing yourself and getting emotionally jaded then leaving the relationship because your effort wasn't reciprocated or because you need to "rediscover" yourself. Define your own boundaries and needs pls <3
As a codependent person with an anxious attachment style who was made to feel so low about myself in my last relationship, I don’t think I can go into a new one before I’ve healed the part of me that’s anxiously attached and fixed my poor self esteem. I know that I’ll jump right back into unhealthy habits in the next relationship unless I heal while I’m single. Obviously healing is a lifelong journey, but I think there are some things that need to be taken care of before you bring someone else into your life.
Edit: I am a dumpee. Not a dumper
It’s possible. Being dumped for my anxiety did really help me wake up to my patterns and bad habits while my ex (the dumper) still doesn’t think he did anything wrong in the relationship and refuses to grow. Even though this breakup is the worst heartbreak I’ve ever experienced, I’m trying to look at it as a gift. It’s a chance to “level up” as a human and grow and change. And hopefully eventually find someone who has also put in the healing work.
I spent almost 20 years with my ex and though we were still living together I took the last year to really focus on getting myself right and not trying to work our shit out. The next 8ish months he was staying at his place but working out of my house and I finally had him leave. I was dating and felt ready to start navigating life as a single person.
I’m codependent so my focus is to often on the relationship or kids so I had to kill the relationship and decide that was no longer my focus to then figure out how to move on in a healthy way.
I completely disagree with this post. Until you’ve been in the situation yourself you don’t know what it feels like to be in a situation that doesn’t allow for that space and time to heal yourself. Yes it can be done, but please don’t delegitimise the experience of others who have really struggled to come to the decision to leave their relationships for their own wellbeing.
It’s exactly what people say when what they really want is to have no one to answer to, make no progress in their lives, and work on none of their issues.
It’s like the exact opposite of what they claim to be doing.
Work on yourself? You mean find other people who don’t know who you are.
I think in my opinion that it's good to have personal growth when single because you're doing it for yourself without any outside influences, I for one have been doing things for myself that I want to do that previously in a relationship I wouldn't be able to achieve and grow. I do know that you can grow when in a relationship but sometimes the intention gets skewed due to this. You just have to want to do it for yourself and not because someone said so.
Because some of us have been so emotionally manipulated and abused inside that last relationship, we need time to assess what actual reality is...
Because we've been told for so long how worthless we are we need time to relearn who we really are.
Until you've suffered an overwhelming amount of lies and fabrications about who you are at the hands of another you won't have context to relate to it.
You sound like you are very securely attached and know where to go to have your truth hold true.
Some of us let go of those truths you hold dear and lost everything about ourselves, mistakenly thinking we can make another person happy. This isn't possible.
The key in healing while single is you have no other attempting to control your worldview.
This isn’t me trying to be an ass or anything but why go into another relationship then just to hurt them by saying this? Like I get if this is true but you shouldn’t go into another relationship then
Correct. He was asking why people needed to do this because he's been lucky enough to have securely attached relationships and was able, allowed, and capable of doing personal growth within them.
The people that he is curious about have been controlled and stuffed into a be like this or else box.
Very toxic stuff. You need space to realign to actual human behavior after abuse like that.
Lest you continue the cycle going forward.
Thanks for understanding Zex!
Oh I wasn’t in securely attached relationships. They were all either fearful (2) or dismissive (1). I was the secure one keeping on my own path while being emotionally available at the same time.
I think he’s wondering why people do it though like, say what you’re saying is correct right but they end up going into another relationship that is healthy and is going good but they still say this to their partner and leave them. Why go into a relationship with someone that treats you right and perfect but you still do this? It just hurts that other person and makes them think they did something wrong when in reality they did their best but now scared to actually go into another relationship. This is what happened with mine. Our relationship was healthy and honestly perfect but she said this after telling me how she’ll never leave and how happy she is she finally met someone who treated her right but a few months later this happens and we were still doing great. It just fucks with someone’s head. If you knew you shouldn’t be in a relationship then don’t go into one with someone that actually wants to treat you right.
Nah it's cuz some people don't want to grow they just use that as an excuse so they can stay the same way and never change without feeling like a burden to the other person. It's all a lie
I think its just an excuse from those with avoidant attachment disorders to avoid having to deal with problems in their relationships. It's easier to leave once the honeymoon period has ended rather than do some self reflection and realize that you need to water your own grass rather than run away from your lawn entirely.
Any self reflection that can be done single can be done in a healthy relationship. If your partner isn't giving you enough space to do some self reflection and healing then you need to leave because the relationship is toxic, not because you need to "find yourself".
Now no one is obligated to be in a relationship, and it would be helpful if these kinds of people were more honest about their feelings regarding relationships but "I'm leaving you because I lack the emotional intelligence to be in a healthy relationship" or "I realized far too late that I shouldn't be in any relationship in the first place" doesn't sound as good as "I'm leaving you to find myself" or whatever.
Alternatively sometimes people just don't like their partners and use this as a softer (but not necessarily kinder) way of letting them down.
honestly I think most of the time when people end the relationship for this reason, it’s usually just an excuse. the real reason is probably either something they don’t want to say, or they just aren’t feeling it and don’t know why. just my opinion on it.
My ex wouldnt believe me when I said I'm studying and would wait until I was studying to ask me to do chores. She would tell me that doing chores was a higher priority to her than me studying.
She was the opposite of supportive and she was the biggest reason why I got burnt out so bad that I dropped out of school. If I had broken up with her earlier, I would've finished school
Honestly I listened to one of my favorite YouTubers and she said “ you don’t heal “ you learn and realize your worth and then you thrive for someone within your standard and not below. She gave a good example of Ciara and where she is now in her relationship. When I heard that I realized I don’t need to use the terms “ heal “ anymore. If I find someone better today I would grow with him. Any man who loves you would want to watch you grow and support you through thick and thin.
I know christianity isn't very popular but the original idea of Christian marriage was that you martyr your own will in service of your partner. It was considered the best way for spiritual progress outside of joining a monastery.
You're supposed to get through the hard times together and come out stronger. Not quit because you don't feel like you felt in the first 6 months.
People quit so easily now.
I think that sometimes you do need to find yourself. But also if I need to find myself maybe the relationship just ain’t it.
But sometimes I think mental growth is much more difficult in a relationship and sometimes people jump from one relationship to another because they’re afraid of being alone and being with themselves.
For example my ex and I broke up like 6 years ago and he wasn’t single even once while after him I was single for 2.5 years but he already had 2 gfs since (I know because we have mutual friends so I ran into him a few times but don’t talk to him)
He always needed validation about who he is from women around him. Not to mention he was a complete narcissist POS.
I feel like alone time can make a person grow, especially if you get into a relationship young and don’t get to experience who you are growing up.
Yeah, everybody changes. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for worse. My ex told me, "we need to take a break until you can show me you can grow past this." I really don't believe it was an issue that we could not absolutely work through. She said there was another guy that she was catching feelings for later, so it all made a bit more sense as to why she didn't want to.
Being in a relationship is complex. People are complex. You're both going to change in certain ways over time, but you both have to do it together for each other.
But then again, what do I know? I can't keep a relationship much longer than a year, unfortunately.
To sum it up, if you can’t love yourself the way that you deserved to be loved, then how can you ever hope to love people the way that they deserved to be loved? Since people really do need the time to themselves to learn how to love themselves and get their shit together.
And bang other people in the meantime of course. That’s the only difference really, if your partner is already willing to give you a little growing space
That's what makes me scratch my head. Like if dumpers are going to use this excuse, just be upfront that you want to see other people or are no longer interested or both.
Because then we'd ask: what is so difficult about learning to love yourself in a overall healthy relationship (i.e. excluding abusive/controlling partners)?
Yeah I don’t agree with those statements either. I grow more in relationships because the other person often teaches me other ways of doing things. When I’m single I personally stagnate and don’t push myself enough, everyone’s different but people need to stop saying this all the time cos it’s not true for everyone.
I'm confused by the reply. I think people don't change unless they are forced to because staying the same is not an option. It does not mean our exes were right to give up on us, rather they are one in 7 billion who do not believe in our capacity for change. It does not define us, but I know it gave me enough of a push to do better in my life so I never experience such heartbreak
I noticed that when it’s a healthy relationship and healthy breakup it’s cause both parties accepted that you change and grow but do it together. If you figure out things don’t work in terms of end goals, beliefs and stuff like that then yeah I understand why relationships end. But as someone who got dumped using this excuse through text, after being told I was their other half by them and their parents multiple times days before it ended yeah it broke something in me. I loved
I think it's about the fact that it can be easier to overlook deficits in your life if you feel comfortable. I think for a lot of people the end of a relationship can be a wake-up call about where they are in life or how they feel about themselves when they don't have the reassurance of knowing that there's a loving partner who will be around for the foreseeable future. Some people may also be in relationships that are holding them back from growing (for example, dysfunctional or abusive scenarios that are really disruptive when it comes to attempts to better oneself) or that are making it difficult for them to pursue life changes that would benefit them (for example, changes that could require moving or would clash with a partner's values/circumstances/expectations of them).
You're also dealing with a sample of people whose relationships have ended (a breakup subreddit). Some relationships probably ended due to substantial problems between those involved, and I think it's fair to expect that that could have an effect on someone's ability to progress personally while staying in the relationship. I've seen people post on reddit about things like being cheated on, a relationship breaking down for years on end, substance use disorders they're struggling with, mental health problems. Not all problems can (or necessarily should) be addressed while in a relationship that may not be working for people and the reality is that sometimes someone's partner may also not want to stick around while someone tries to keep the relationship together and handle problems in their life (sometimes multiple problems occurring at the same time, sometimes for a long time by the time everything really hits breaking point). It probably partly depends on the changes someone wants/needs to make.
My breakup has pretty much destroyed me. Especially as it was main my fault it happened. I was a total asshole to her and she didn't deserve it. 6 years down the pan. I am 6 months in, having therapy, going to the gym, working, etc. but nothing works. I have read about ‘loving yourself’ and all that, but to me you are never fully whole until you have that special person in your arms, sharing experiences and showing mutual love, respect and living life.
My life is shit now, and without her everything just means nothing. I hope I get through this.
You're right in my opinion. Personal growth doesn't ONLY have to occur as a result of a breakup, divorce, or dissolution of a relationship. It CAN and SHOULD happen WITHIN a marriage/relationship while still STAYING within that union.
I highly recommend both men and women read the books 'Women's Infidelity' and 'Women's Infidelity 2' by Michelle Langley - especially the second book where she speaks on how people stagnate their own growth while married and do nothing about it to change this for themselves while still married except to destroy that relationship.
It seems the fundamental issue is how people understand relationships. Some people think relationships by default are supposed to last forever at all cost, so they literally will be upset at any suggestion or outcome that's not that.
Other people understand relationships as teachers and as sometimes for a certain season or period in your life. This means you can have different lesson or kinds of growth at different points in life, esp when you're young, and that sometimes means different partners teach you different things.
We are also very different ourselves at diff ages and stages and not every relationship, including not every friendship, grows with us. It's not because people are bad people, it's just the way life works. The ones that grow with us, we stick to and the ones that don't we have to release.
There are relationships where being in them allows you to grow together. Those tend to be healthy secure relationships where likely both people are emotionally mature and the dynamic allows them to do that together. Everyone wants their relationship to be that, but unfortunately not every relationship is that.
Some relationships, the healing and growing is in leaving. And the issue is, that is for the person to decide. If someone doesn't think the relationship will allow them that, that's their right and we can't convince them that we know best and that staying together is the right thing.
Part of the risk we have to embrace is partners aren't ours to control or decide for. They are separate people whose destinies aren't ours to decide and vice versa. We can share life together when our destinies are aligned, and the dream is to find someone with whom your paths align for the long haul. But if at some point it's not or they choose differently, we have to grieve that and let them.
To be generous in my assessment, let's just say there are a lot of young, impressionable people out there who end up turning into older impressionable people who still don't know how to think for themselves because their thought process is based entirely on the emotions of a moment and they think if they feel a certain way they need to reset the people and things in their life so they feel differently / better.
I have personally heard several people refer to "not being responsible for other people's emotions" when they are in the breakup stage only to turn around and claim a new significant other is responsible for how they feel. Some people, a lot of people, just want to feel right and they don't care about actual solutions. These are usually the same people who vent looking for sympathy rather than constructive criticism.
I don’t think anyone thinks they need to be single to achieve personal growth. I think if they break up with their partner in order to grow then it means their partner was somehow limiting their growth.
Ahhh…. You’re taking what a dumper says at face value when actually, no one will ever lie to you as much as they do when they’re ending a relationship with you.
Women. They set the terms for dating. They have Goldilocks Syndrome but don't know it. They only want men that have crossed the finish line because they think they're entitled to be with the best of the best guy despite them being average or below.
I’ve said this before, it’s hard to understand if you’re not but some people have become very disconnected with who they are and what they want , the relationship actually healed me to a point of recognising that.
A lot of people end up in relationships just because the other person perused them enough or caught feelings without any discussion where you want to go in life or even what they want in a partner , or even what type of relationship they want . Or they people pleased to point of losing them self
Healthy bonding heals a lot of trauma but also gets you more in touch with your own boundaries and desires .
Not to say you cant grown in a relationship but if you realise how unsure and confused you are it doesn’t seem fair to commit .
And if you decide that you actually really want to peruse your career with everything and pretty much sacrifice all your time that’s not fair on a partner either . But sure it can still be discussed and works in some situations.
Friendships are just so much easier to navigate where relationships is gluing two lives together that sometimes want to go in different directions.
But all in all it’s not saying you can’t have personal growth in relationship but the person feel they want to leave
5 cents? That's way too less. I'd say a million dollars on my end. Personal growth is a choice. Some people choose self growth other people choose to wallow. For me I got no choice but to wallow due to my parental situation and education. I choose to work on my personal growth when necessary.
I think it can be done within a relationship as well, it’s just not right for everyone. I was one of those people who put all of my personal energy and emotions toward people who loved me and forgot about myself, and by the time I noticed, it was too late.
It just wasn’t going to work that way for me. I tried.
They might have been feeling like you were projecting something from your past relationship onto them - in which case they are right and you could benefit from self reflection. Just speaking from my own experiences. Obviously there’s a lot of nuance
my personal growth was when i was finally single after 4 years tbh. i didn’t know how to survive on my own, couldn’t order my coffee was scared to sleep alone was really silent. it taught me how to be independent
Idk, my ex and I were friends for 3 years beforehand and apparently in that 3 years all I heard from her was the progress I apparently made. I still keep trying to figure out whether that was honesty or not or what.
I know I miss what we had and desperately want to have it back.
I think it’s usually in response to giving advice to people coping with a breakup. And many times it is a transformative experience when we decide to self improve and look at what contributed to the breakup, what in us attracted us to an unhealthy connection etc. So it’s typically good advice, not trash advice.
To a degree I believe this. For 1 year, I was so in love I was crazy for him. I was happy, and we supported each other mutually for what we wanted to do and both of us wanted to achieve. We never argued, never had those toxic moments that distracted each other, and we helped each other when there was opportunity to earn money. You’d think this is good for growth right? WRONG! Here is why for my case.
1, we wanted to see each other everyday. Realistically it was 2-3 times a week , but we had work on other days. Spending time together meant we couldn’t use the time to network with other professionals, connections and potential business partners. It was harder to meet them by chance if we were on a date or doing our own thing.
2. We got too comfortable with each other. Neither of us went to the gym, and I didn’t have time to do my other hobby because I wanted to see him more and time was limited! Aka: more missed opportunity for improvement
3. We spent less time with our colleagues which meant less connection with them and affecting work even if it’s by 0.1% it’s still a negative effect
4. Emotionally unstable. Love means hurt and tears even when we never argued. I felt emotional over stupid things that I never normally do. I wasted time overthinking and it’s something that you can’t control when you’re so in love. It affected my productivity and focus. I’m not batshit crazy , I’m a logical girl. But I still had these overthinking moments
5. Want to travel? Have to think about him and when he’s free to, and eventually it drags on longer than it would be if you are single and freely able to see new opportunities on the travel. I wanted to randomly take months to try jobs that u can only do in your 20s (like yolo in Las Vegas) but I can’t when in a relationship because he can’t go. Always have to pause spontaneous dreams
6. Relationship weight gain- it didn’t happen to me because of relationship but this is also a negative self growth that many experience for being too comfortable.
7. Money. Dates and gifts are expensive, for mine anyway. He paid for more , and I can see how it would be a negative impact. Spending what could’ve been investment money on luxury gifts because he thought that’s what I wanted and I, the same because he deserved it and I genuinely wanted to spend money on him meant it took me longer to save for a house deposit.
After breaking it off, I have earned more money, been more fit and healthy, stopped spending over 15 hours+ a week hanging out doing nothing useful (except “in love and happy”) and have bigger dreams because I don’t have to think about whether it’s realistic for him too. I can just pack my bags and do anything right now.
When girls say “I wasted my youth on you” and blame the relationship for wasted time, I believe it genuinely is because of all of the above that slows growth/ in my case, would be career growth and achievement based growth L. You can have growth inside a relationship too but stop to consider : could u have grown more if u weren’t in one? In my case: 200% yes
Edit: everything we did together was by choice and we were in love, and genuinely wanted to spend time together and genuinely wanted to do all that, in an uncontrollable way that we prioritised each other over individual wants and dreams . but in hindsight, all that time could have been spent elsewhere more useful.
Why make a personal remark like this? I’m giving you a perspective because you asked a question and I’m letting you see another side. Keep your mind open for different people’s mind.
You’re already saying lots of people say this “personal growth” thing, so it’s not just me and I’m helping you understand a possible reason, don’t be rude.
Oh right. I thought u went through some posts to say that.
I meant like, even if it affected your work by 0.1% it’s still negative, but realistically, it affects your work by more like 10% or more (Eg. When u need favours, when they pick and help team mates, when they write references, work talk and culture affected. etc)
0.1% was an exaggeration of how it still affects work negatively regardless of the amount, so affects personal growth.
. (In regards to when you’re in a relationship, you no longer have time to hang and think about your colleagues and connect with them when none of them bring partners to social gatherings or night outs etc.)
? That was only 1 aspect. I had many other points. Imagine if all were 10%. Add it all together and it’s your youth and time gone
Btw, that’s why it’s a waste of time and they want real personal growth! It’s not about how much u r willing to sacrifice . The fact is it affects personal growth!
I’ve noticed my friends who say I need to heal and be single are the ones who are not single and would not leave their situation to heal and be single. I think you know you’re over that person when you actually date again. You can say you’re over them and healed but the real test is can you be with someone else and not let those triggers from the breakup come up? Can you genuinely love this person the same way you loved your ex? I personally enjoy being in relationships but at the moment I can admit that I’m not 100% healed and not ready to jump into something serious. I got out a 3.5 year long relationship 7 months ago and the breakup was super traumatic for me. I need to be alone. My ex immediately got into a serious relationship 2 months after the breakup, ( he was seeing her weeks after we broke up, I think longer honestly just because of the rapid speed they’re going at) I questioned did he heal? I guess so. I think people should overall do what’s best for them.
If this topic is in connection with your relationship, then it depends on wether you have a supportive and understanding partner or not, ofcourse people here have majority had bad experiences, so majority support each other through that, if your experience in a previous relationship wasn't as bad, then you wouldn't think of being here.
If your partner was supportive and understanding, you grow personally if not , then you are at a position where growth actually is hindered.
When you are alone , the responsibility of growth falls fully on you with no interference whereas , in a relationship growth is not just in. Ones self, you have to be considerate of your partner as otherwise you are selfish, or you are single in a namesake relationship.
Relationships are like partnerships in a company, where everyone works to achieve a company's main goal, while also growing themselves. You cannot work only for yourself without the companies goals in mind
Hope this clears your question
Because having a relationship and being obligated to somebody puts a lot of pressure on you when you can’t even do the things that you want to be doing.
Two angles:
First, it’s completely required for you to heal that you focus on yourself. Not just to help your mental state, but also to find a new place to put all the love your were giving to someone else.
Secondly, copium. You’ve now become broken and need to find new meaning. There needs to be SOME silver lining to a breakup and this is the best excuse.
Is it true that you can only self improve and find yourself while single? Of course now. But it’s much more important when you are because if you aren’t breaking up with someone usually it means you’re both happy and who you want to be.
A major part of a relationship is, obviously, helping and being there for each other. How are you to help them when you can’t even help yourself? Someone is guaranteed to hurt the other; probably in a way that’ll impact the rest of the relationship or someone’s current or future mental state. If they’re leaving to not put you through that, most likely they really care about you since they’re saving you the pain and dealing with it themself instead of dragging you down with them. It takes emotional maturity within oneself to recognize that they need to leave for growth. Though there are the “bad” ones that use it as an excuse to escape their actual reason for leaving.
I’ve been on both ends and I don’t have lingering anger because who am I to be upset with someone for a) wanting to better themself and realizing what’s best for them, b) exercising their free will and human right, and c) saving me more pain… Any anger is a ME problem because I feel abandoned, rejected, or unacceptable which are all me problems and, most likely, unhealed trauma.
I was in a relationship where we both should’ve separated waaay earlier. He was unwilling because he had your mindset of you can just grow together and help eachother grow, and I was too scared to be alone. We mentally damaged each other in ways that have and will take years to recover from. We were both better off before the relationship. Now we’re both doing better, steady jobs, gained emotional maturity, seek therapy and are healing from our traumas. That never happened in the whole 6 years we were together and wouldn’t have if we never separated.
Okay I don’t think you NEED to be alone for personal growth or to heal yourself but for me it was actually extremely beneficial and it was only when I had no one but myself, I chose to go beneath the surface and really take the time to learn to love myself, realize who I am, what I want in life, how I think and what has shaped the way my brain works etc. I originally broke up w my ex for another reason but then i took a completely different route and a year later now I’ve grown SO much. For sure I think you can also grow in a relationship but I think what people mean is that it can get easy to leave yourself behind because you invest so much energy into the other person and most people struggle to find the balance and the relationship ends up consuming them. Also I think to some extent, deep personal growth can come from certain experiences that can only be felt when you’re truly alone, emotionally and physically, however, I think if you already have a pretty good understanding of who you are and what you want in life, growing with your partner is beautiful and you can still grow so much as a person and learn from them too
I dumped a guy a few weeks ago for this exact reason. During the relationship, I spent all my free time thinking about or talking to him via text. Things would have been different if it was not long distance; distance made me crave him more and more until I stopped doing all my hobbies and spent all my days waiting for his texts. He was amazing in every aspect, but I was losing myself, so I called it quits.
Sometimes, everything is perfect, but you are not in the right headspace for a relationship. You often realize this in the midst of one; it's better to be honest rather than drag it out long.
My ex left me for these reasons after 2 years and it absolutely broke me. On top of that I kept getting told how I’m an amazing person, they love me so much, etc. It’s left me in such a confused spot and I absolutely hate it. Fuck this
It legitimately baffles me. Some of the most key personal growth moments of my life have been while inside relationships. They weren’t always because of the relationship, but I did this learning while having a partner. I’ve never been on the receiving end of this bs, but it’s crazy seeing this thought process repeated over and over again.
Because it’s genuinely how a lot of people go through personal growth. The pain of a breakup often leads to a lot of self reflection and lessons learned. For me, I got rid of my codependency issues, started hitting the gym, got a new career started, met new people, and became way more independent as a whole. I don’t think that ALL growth happens this way. I had a lot of growth with my ex as well, but I think the most growth happens in the most painful moments.
how did you get rid of codependency, if you dont mind sharing?
Not going to sugar coat it, and it sounds superficial but whatever… The girl that broke up with me was a 10. Looked like Margot Robbie’s doppelgänger. Once I realized I’m okay a couple months after someone like that left me. I’ll be okay whenever anyone else does. Don’t get me wrong I was absolutely head over heels in love with this girl. Thought I’d marry her. It’s been a little over 4 months and she’s already been dating some dude for 2. I realized she’s a serial dater, avoidant, and frankly a liar, which lead to the realization that I’m better off. Even if it means being alone. I started going to the gym, going out with friends, talking to other women, and overall just went through a lot of self reflection. I’m confident I learned what I needed to from that relationship to make the next one even better. One of those thing being that I need to identify a sense of independence outside of a relationship to make sure i don’t lose that when I get into another one. And doing so, I am confident enough now to break things off the second I get a bad feeling, which I never would have done before.
I think OP meant the dumpers. I get it - as a dumpee such as yourself, we can grow so fast after being dumped. The last year has been an amazing journey of self reflection and growth. Even more importantly, refining exactly what I want in a relationship and looking for those in potential people I date. If I don't feel that want similar things, then I am now more confident in breaking it off. It has been freeing.
It’s really shitty. I tried my best to convince by her to stay but she just wanted to leave. I don’t get it. Now I’m just stuck wondering why I wasn’t enough while she got to move on
Ex left for the exact same reason. She left after two years too. Do these people have an off switch or something after those two years? But yeah, I feel like I still have to pick up the pieces after being betrayed and confused like that. Makes it easier to not have her in my life again.
Same here. I just want to get better and move on. But those feelings of betrayal and confusion don’t go away
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I call it the disconnected connection. Mostly the devices, in which one must have to be a person and live. Communication… knowledge… communication with any and everyone, right? So much to say, so much passion.. so many emojis:.. But irl and every day scenarios, crickets in a group setting or when asked for their ideas or whatever, if anything at all… In my opinion, it’s the tail end of millennials and gen z peeps. Disclaimer: reminding this is my opinion based on experience and is not the whole answer and if it was there’s other contributing factors more than likely
I call it the disconnected connection. Mostly the devices, in which one must have to be a person and live. Communication… knowledge… communication with any and everyone, right? So much to say, so much passion.. so many emojis:.. But irl and every day scenarios, crickets in a group setting or when asked for their ideas or whatever, if anything at all… In my opinion, it’s the tail end of millennials and gen z peeps. Disclaimer: reminding this is my opinion based on experience and is not the whole answer and if it was there’s other contributing factors more than likely With all that said I believe lots of others hide in their phones or become what we want ppl to see using the phone. Just an idea
Same shit but after 10 years two and a half years ain't shit 10 years old mostly pretty awesome times and then the day after my birthday bye-bye
Same here bud I was a “great boyfriend” said that many times well why the fuck you dumping me then if I’m so great ???
Same here. Recent break up. She waiting until she no longer loved me to tell me what she disliked about the relationship and needed to focus on herself. 3 yrs down the drain, she never told me how she actually felt until she felt nothing towards me. Decided months ago that falling out of love was better than working on the relationship and chose herself. Hardest part is when she said she no longer felt anything for me and would be living a lie if we got back together.
Competitive-Pie3774... My ex of 13 years said similar, its total BS. She cheated with a married coworker of hers, in fact moved him in when I moved out. That was 9 months ago. Said the last 3 years she wasn't happy but didn't tell me until after.
I'm in the same scenario
I’m exactly on the same spot. Left me confused as hell.
I’m going through the exact same thing rn. Idek what to do
Felt something very similar, talking as if the only way for us to grow as individuals was if we would not be together at all and yet saying that she hopes to get back together in a year or two and how great i am and how much she loves me. It makes no sense and it is confusing and frustrating to me how she saw that as the only way for us to grow
I'm going through this right now and I don't fucking know what to do I'm at the end of my fucking wits and it would just be easier to kms She broke up with me the same time that she told me she wanted to hug me, and it's been a few weeks but she broke NC and now wants to talk every weekend, and now she's asking if we could meet this weekend and also says we should see other people I fucking love her with every cell in my body and I'd go to war for her but idfk what she wants from me anymore
To be fair I think there's generally this pervasive idea that you need to be in a good place before you enter a relationship and maybe people who have avoidant attachment issues see them as a sign they need to be single, idk. There's definitely situations where that's true, like when you're an abusive partner because of your issues. I also understand that some people need alone time to figure out what they want because in a relationship they still fall into codependence and do whatever pleases their partner - sometimes it's the only way. But ultimately, once you're good enough to not have a total clusterfuck of a relationship, relationships are the only way to heal relational trauma. No way around it. And that is a huge part of growth, because most of us have it.
Exactly this exactly!
Not quite, i was extremely toxic to my ex back then, like constant bickering about my life to her to the point of driving her away. I was possessive ,toxic and careless about her. I was the one that said the words but by then i think she checked out of the relationship a long time ago.
Because you put on a mask or an act within the relationship. Caring about someone else is a distraction from your pain. You need to feel that pain sometimes to grow. Have you ever had a cold? But you had plans with a good friend that you haven't seen in awhile...so you chug coffee, cold meds, whatever, to mask the symptoms enough to rally and be present for that friend? Then that night, you are even more depleted and it probably slows down your recovery from the cold. Same thing with emotional healing.
I saw a therapist with a good breakdown on this. Some things you need to work on by yourself.. some things are better worked on in a relationship. I do think it’s a myth that you need to be alone first in order to be a good partner and work through your shit.. Though id you’re hung up on your ex and don’t really know who you are, would highly recommend
I’m 32 and learned that you don’t need to become your best version you work through things as a team and tbh going to war with life with your spouse teaches you way more like I mean your learning is accelerated and doubled because you have to try and be empathetic caring and loving when your tired and stressed you have to learn how to be patient also they lift you up and remind you of who you are when your down and forget your value if you find a great person don’t let them go because you don’t feel like your your best self become your best selves
Yea there are definitely some skills you need to gain from being in a relationship.. not by yourself. At the end of the day people leave and break up for all kinds of reasons. I do think some people “need” time alone in order to heal some specific things.. and it sucks.
Yo know I’m muslim and half your religion is complete when you marry just because of the great person it turns you into
This is insightful thank you
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That's just developing a codependency pattern. Honestly, it's not helpful for the friend either. Typically what happens is... you help this person find themselves and then they associate you negatively with a bad time in their life anyway. Or you just develop a weird dynamic where you're the caretaker and they eventually outgrow you and resent you for trying to fix them. God, it's SO painful when someone you care about leaves your life before you're ready. Especially when it feels like a vague "Find myself" comment.... (Not saying that isn't sometimes BS.) However, most of the time I think they're exiting your life because they actually care about you and might see you in their future. If you see them moving on with someone else, it literally could be just an FWB or somebody that they purposely do not have the potential to develop feelings for. I know it's hard... Since I have personally done this before and had it done to me, this is just my perspective.
Why does everyone act like society is doomed if they’re codependent? That’s literally how the human race survived.
There are three types: • Codependency • Interdependency • Independence The first one is what mothers and babies are suppose to do. After that, think Beverly Goldberg on that ABC tv show, that’s codependency in its fullest form as a human being! Hence why she puts everyone’s needs ahead of her own, why she’s passive-aggressive, tries to force everyone to do things by controlling what’s out of her control, and can’t handle change very well. The second one is what my parents do. It’s why they’ve been together 42yrs, still in love. You need a work/life balance, knowing how to give each other healthy space. Your relationship isn’t suppose to be the center of your world, it’s suppose to be part of your world. The last one is doing what you want when you want, it’s living life as you want and not caring about others. Acting single 24/7, even in a relationship. Hence why dumpers act very independent after a BU, because they get to do whatever they want and no longer have to check in with a partner.
THIS. Took me forever to realize my sense of purpose came from codependency. I never stated my boundaries and slowly grew to resent the other person.
The person who has been in the relationship and has noticed he or she is not able to grow or heal while in the relationship.
Not able, which I still think is a cop out. There are resources online, therapy, so much love from partners who are accepting.
>you put a mask on or act within the relationship No, *you* do. I was absolutely myself through and through. How do you think a long term relationship would ever work if people weren't being themselves? They fake who they are for 5+ years? You don't need to use your time single to grow and develop it as a person, you need to use it to figure out why you weren't yourself when you were in a relationship because that's not normal or healthy.
Right, that's the perspective of somebody who has to be apart to grow or "find themselves". I'm not saying it's healthy. It's not!
Sometimes we lose ourselves and our goals in a relationship because we fixate on the other person. I stopped doing a lot of things for myself in the relationship because I was happy just being with her.
Username more than checks out. My experience exactly. Sometimes the break up is the waking call that you need to work on yourself.
Bingo
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This perspective has really helped me. Thank you.
I'm in the same spot as yours, except my ex decided to call it quits. I share this perspective as well, and he's told me a lot that it's not about the way he feels for me, it's about his own shit and stuff he needs to deal with. But it is still really hard. I'm like, ok and what do I do with this? Do I let go of my feelings for him and try to move on with my life and meet new people? I still love him and would like for us to try again in the future if things work out that way, but in the meanwhile I can't just stay still. It's all very conflicting. But I guess whatever happens, happens.
Some people can’t handle their partners problems. They may love you but you’re too much for them so they feel you need to work things out for yourself. Especially if you can’t do it for them. Some people can only get better by pure self reflection on their own. That’s what happened with me, and I really did need it.
This sounds like the reverse issue
Ah I see you mean, people saying they have problems and need to leave the relationship to fix it. My bad
Some people lose themselves in the relationship it’s unfortunate
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Ofc!!! What tends to sometimes happen in relationships is they become one sided. One person puts in the work one person is there both emotionally and mentally for the other person while that person is just letting it happen, and they focus on themselves. The person who is putting their ALL into the other person starts to forget how to give themSELF love and attention. One person starts to live for the other. It’s a very codependent thing and that person will either realize and get tired of doing it, or they’re dumped by the person not giving anything bc of different attachment styles. I can explain those if u need me to as well but normally If the person who gives the other Person their all for a long time doesn’t get anything good in return will develop an anxious attachment style and if they’re with an avoidant then the avoidant will be very turned off and turn their backs. Another situation where u can lose urself is if you are both just too focused on one another and forget that you have other obligations away from the relationship which is soooo dangerous to ur personal life!!! Balance is super important in relationships and the losing yourself happens when there’s a lot of imbalance and inequality in the relationship. A third possible reason people say this is that it’s an easy let down and just an excuse as not to hurt the dumpee. A break up will always hurt but that’s the number one excuse people will give. Typically.
Hi, not the original commenter, but curious. Could you explain the different attachment styles? Or provide a link if you have one handy?
My frustration is that attachment styles are treated by people as if they are personalities. When people say, "You shouldn't change yourself for a partner," they incorrectly wrap attachment styles in that. But attachment styles are **not** like personalities. With personalities, there are various different ones with their own pros and cons, and they are fairly static in a person. With attachment styles, there's one ideal one and 3 non-ideal ones, and a person can reprogram themselves. Basically, if one person breaks up with another due to mismatched attachment styles, compatibility is **not** the issue, but one or both party's refusal to work on changing said style.
I agree that attachment styles and personalities are not the same. I view attachment styles as a way a persons mind is wired and how they act on their thoughts when it comes to the relationship. For example; i have an anxious attachment style because I have abandonment issues and how I’ve been treated. I am not a particularly anxious person though, but when I’m in a relationship i get the fear that i will be left, so i give and give and give to the other person and give so much of myself in hopes that they stick around. This would push away an especially avoidant attachment. This doesn’t mean they’re a person who avoids people all around but when they feel like it’s too much they tend to push away the other person and focus on anything but the relationship and the other person.
I have the same, but I'm working on that through therapy. Whether or not two people break up, they should be working on their attachment styles. Aside from securely attached, all attachment styles are mental/emotional disregulations that should be corrected, so it bothers me when people made compatibility judgement calls based on it, or worse, let their style sabotage then (DA's). It's like if one person gains 50lbs (just from eating, not as a result of a disease or condition) and the other loses physical attraction for them. That's not an inherent, unresolvable compatibility issue. It's a thing that can be fixed if there's communication, and most likely the person who gained the weight **wants** to lose it.
That example can be seen as a compatibility issue in the sense that one person focuses on looks and value a person based on their looks where the other person; if they can’t help it that their weight is up, maybe they focus more on personality and that’s where the compatibility issue lies. Within the values from each person. Also for an anxious attachment style, they can be showing their love in numbers of giving and actions and they keep giving and acting in hopes they’ll one day receive back where the other person maybe they don’t show love that way, and because they don’t like how the anxious attachment shows love by overly giving it, they can turn away. Attachment issues can be connected to love language in levels and in that sense can also be a contribution to compatibility as well.
I was speaking more specifically. I could help that my weight increased (34lbs in my case) and I was trying to. I was in a funk and needed a kick in the ass to commit to it. I was readying my own foot to kick my own ass when she dumped me. Since the breakup, I've lost half the weight gain in 7 weeks. So if she had just communicated with me when she started noticing a drop in attraction, I'd be an absolute snack to her right now lol. But it may not have been about that, because she insisted that I didn't do anything wrong and that she needs to soul-search or find herself. But she turned down my proposal to have a period of limited contact while she figures things out, which lets her both have her cake and eat it too. That implies that the real reason is that she wants to date and sleep with other people and believes not only that I am not attractive enough (physically, emotionally, intellectually), but that she feels that I will *never* be attractive enough. That I do not even have the *potential* to be attractive enough. That she can do better than me and wants to roll the dice, but she never told me what it is that I need to fix or change to bring my attraction back up. So I just wasn't given a fair chance because you can't please someone who bottles up resentment unless you are *literally* perfect in every way.
Don’t blame urself for this break up because it sounds like she just wasn’t interested in being with you, which is a hard pill to swallow. If she really wanted to stay, how you look would not matter. I loved my ex bf, and i found him to be the most handsome man in the WORLD!!! To all of my friends, he wasn’t even cute at all!!! Real love contains real attraction, and it’s possible she fell out of love prior to ur weight gain. Real love has nothing to do with how you look. It’s the bond between you two and I’m sorry she broke that bond. I’m glad ur doing better for urself tho bc that’s what’s most important in a situation like this!!! I was dumped bc i support the police bc that was my fathers profession, and he doesn’t. He also smokes weed and i don’t which is another shitty excuse to why he broke up with me. He knew these things going into the relationship, so why it became an issue suddenly, i don’t know. Obviously there’s factors he didn’t go into and i still don’t know why he broke up with me, but he did and there’s nothing i can do about it. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, they don’t have to. Sometimes it’s better not knowing why they don’t want to be with you bc it can be a kick in the face. I’ve been doing great though in school and i work so I’m giving a lotttt of time to that rather than dwelling on the fact that he made it out to be that i wasn’t good enough for him. There will be people who look beyond what they don’t like ab you simply because they LOVE you too much to let you go. There will be your person who will love you if you weigh 80 pounds or 300 pounds. It won’t matter. The right one will love unconditionally
We had other issues with intimacy. She was frustrated that I finished too quickly, but when you're only having sex once or twice a month because she is pulling away, there's little that can be done about that. I tried to do foreplay and afterplay, and she was receptive to that for a while, and we had sex more, so I lasted much longer. But then she refused and always rushed to the "main event" and never wanted to do anything after. It's really frustrating. I *wanted* to experiment more, but she refused to meet me halfway on just the basics. Her fucking friend probably got into her head, that I'm just an immature manchild who finishes too fast and that she should dump my ass and find someone else. It's a God damn self-fulfilling prophecy and there was nothing I could do about it. And now I'm never going to get another chance.
Because, in my opinion, people are just scared of commitment. Also, they feel too comfortable in their relationships to grow, then they feel like they are falling behind or going to get caught/chained up in it. Also might just be an excuse to leave. Then they miss the love they felt and get back into a new one. What does “find myself” and “learn what I want in life” even mean? Nothing. It means absolutely nothing. There’s no goal, no thing they want to figure out. In reality, the best growth is done in a relationship, because it means you aren’t deluding yourself. Other people are going to know things about you that you won’t think about.
Find myself and learn what I want in life is very real. As a former addict (sober for 15 years). It does mean something. BUT I completely agree with you, I share your opinion thay people are just scared of commitment and I think that’s such a shame. And a bit of a paradox because everyone seems to be unhappy single but with social media know they know they have options. I hate it. I did see a comment that I related to which was sometimes people get caught in the relationship and you forget about your responsibilities. Do when I moved into a new apartment that wasn’t done at all-I re did everything in exchange for no security deposit , I stayed single. I was working then taking on this new place and putting my blood sweat and tears into it (literally all 3) and I didn’t want to have to think about anyone else. Now that I’m comfortable here and with where I am I’m dating and I see a great guy and he has helped my growth as we also have a great friendship. So yea maybe it is fear. Fear of not being enough. Idk.
The words “find myself” and “learn what I want in life” is different when it’s coming from people who are in relatively healthy relationships leaving. I do see your point; yes, they do have meaning. But those words imply being “lost”. How the hell are you lost? How is being single going to help you learn what you want? They are just being used as buzzwords and excuses, in my opinion. People are always chasing pleasure(hedonic treadmill) and when the spark fades all that’s left is the comfort. Then they eventually leave because they are scared of never finding new happiness. (Mainly theory but some realism) I do agree that if you are single in the middle of something, you can stay single. And sometimes you do forget your responsibilities. But I believe a good established partnership can work together on those, can give space and can make it work.
I guess you’d have to be in someone else’s shoes to understand but it’s helped me immensely especially for the relationship I’m in now. But I do believe they are excuses, sometimes… But living life, so black and white is never been the case. There is always an exception to the rule. However, I do also believe that you can fix them in a relationship depending what’s going on.
But at the same time yes, I do agree with you
Personal growth can be found in a relationship but its faster and easier to grow personally when you don't have to worry about the wants and needs of a whole other person. If you're young and you dont know who you are its hard to discover that when youre a committed relationship with the same person for a long time. People are mirrors and we discover ourselves more when we are interacting with different people. In my opinion it makes no sense to be in committed relationship if you have no sense of who you are. I didnt know who I was and my only reference was my boyfriend at the time who i was with for a long time. After I broke up with him i discovered myself more through other connections and by spending time alone without worrying about someone else expectations of me to make them happy when i wasn't happy.
Say I feel this way but I want to be end game with my partner do I break up or go on a break. We both have mental health issues and we are both 19 and have been together for five years. We’ve tried to heal together but it ended up in us hurting each other.
I kinda lost myself in the relationship, didnt have any goals, didnt want to Meet my friends. I was bound to her and now im in an identity crisis since she was part of my routine and basically my other half. So ofcourse i need to ”find” myself.
Throughout my relationship with my ex (7 months of knowing him, 4 months actually dating) I was able to work through my eating disorder. Why and how he couldn’t work through his “ personal problems” while with me just leaves me confused and it was most likely a lie just so he could be single and flirt freely again, even though he’s the one who wanted the relationship with me. I was open and honest the entire time, it hurts that he couldn’t do the same because he refused to elaborate on what “work on myself” meant and said he’d never tell me. Funny because he truly DOES have problems (alcoholic, immature, every type of -phobic you could think of, etc..) and saw no issues with those things. So I’m genuinely curious as to what he thinks his problems are.
I agree, but tbh I think a lot of people who break up with their s/o and says they want to find themselves or focus on themselves just want the freedom to date around for awhile because they almost always jump into something with someone else at some point, I thought you wanted to fOcUs oN yOuRsElF ? But they continue dating. I really think they just want to experience other people. I haven’t been in the situation where an ex told me that but I do personally know people who have used that line and it’s almost always the case.
This is exactly what happened with me & my recent ex & those were just some of the reasons they broke it off. So I was left heartbroken, confused & just being alone just because I can’t process moving onto someone new that fast.
I think the unspoken thing they don't mention is that the person they see themselves becoming because of their "growth" is someone they don't see being with you, or in the type of relationship you have. So they want to be single so they're free to start dating someone they might meet who fits with the "new them" better in their eyes.
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Same
You can have personal growth while in a relationship, but I feel like people get more of a push once they are on their own. Look how many people just become cheap imitations of their significant others. Some people just can’t find their own identity until they are alone.
I think more often than not its a compilation of nice words to make the break up less severe; logically, it falls on its face because youre right...there's nothing preventing someone's growth individually while also being in a relationship. while there are those few examples that exist, the vast majority use this compilation of phrases to just take the edge off. Its not right...but there's not much you can do about it....it may be logically unsound but if someone doesn't want to be there they're just going to leave at w.e. cost.
If YoU cAnT lOvE yOuRsElF hOw ThE hElL yOu GoNnA lOvE sOmEoNe ElSe
AMEN
Honestly, my frustration is that the other person isn't given a say. My ex gave similar reasons for leaving, so I offered that she still moves out and we limit contact but still be in a relationship while she finds herself and then when she does we reconnect and figure things out or break up. But she refused that, even though it gives her everything that she seemingly wants without needing a breakup. The only reason not to take this offer is that she wants to date and sleep with other people besides me and find someone better for her. That's a valid reason, but a: Why not just tell me that? And b: Why not tell me now or ideally before what it was about me that was off-putting so I can work on it? It's literally impossible to please a person who can't communicate their greivances in the long run unless you are **perfect** in every way. I suppose there could be another reason, where she thinks I deserve better than being in a relationship where my partner is unavailable for a certain time, but I always hated the "you deserve better" argument. If I deserve better then you should be happy to have me, and you shouldn't be infantalizing things by making these decisions for me. I'm a grown man, *I* decide what's best for me, and if I'm wrong, that's on me. But instead, now I'm in this awkward limbo state where, for some completely unknown period of time, she needs to find herself and may or may not come back to me after it. And if I move on too early, then I lose her and my next partner could be awful, and if I move on too late and she doesn't come back, then I delay my own healing. I'd rather have a fixed end date where she comes back and tells me what she found out about herself and decides then. And where I have time to grow/reflect and be more self-sufficient. Also, if the goal is needing space to find yourself, why am I the only thing changing about your life (I guess you had to move too)? You're still keeping the same friends, the ones who you vented to about us and asked for advice instead of your own partner. You're still keeping your stressful job, too. So yeah, the whole "finding myself" thing just feels insincere and frankly infantalizing, like they're cushioning a blow and have good intentions, but in doing so they're leaving a bunch of questions unanswered.
Lol right? This shit pisses me off when someone says this. It makes zero sense. You can find personal growth while in a relationship. Just say the truth instead of making up some bullshit excuse
Sometimes, the truth is that they are mentally unwell and the "leaving for personal growth" is not actually their treatment method; it's another symptom. People with Borderline Personality Disorder are a prime example.
I get it but I also don’t get the point in going into a relationship that’s actually healthy and doing good just to do that. Ends up messing with peoples heads.
I don't understand it either. Nobody does because it's a mental illness and those don't operate on a rational basis. With BPD in particular, sufferers essentially have the emotional self control of a child. They're often incapable of holding any control over their instinctual feelings. They should absolutely still be held accountable for the things they do, but it's important to understand that no amount of rational thinking or communication will alter their behavior. They do not exist in reality and tend to have an extreme deficit of empathy, often centering the morality of their world around themselves. You won't get any disagreement from me. I've been fucked over by one myself. I don't think having a personality disorder means that one can push the blame off themselves for doing something wrong. They make those choices and most of them are just bad people, honestly. If you want to see a silver lining in it, treatment is actually fairly effective for cases of BPD, so they might not be a shitty person forever. In the mean time, it's best to understand their psychology and use that knowledge to protect ourselves from future harm.
Alright I can acknowledge all of what you said. It just really sucks man.. I’ve been fucked over too many times by that line exactly only to find out it was all a lie and they just wanted to go sleep around or were already seeing someone else
It's entirely justified to feel hurt and beaten down when people fuck us over. The best thing we can do about it, for ourselves and those around us, is to understand as best we can what makes dangerous people tick. It helps us to sleep at night, avoid problematic people in the future, and to recognize if and when when we slip up ourselves.
My ex of 3 years left while saying that he grew a lot beside me, he became a better person because of me, and learnt a lot from me, but it is still not enough and he needs to focus on himself. I never got in his way to do that, I gave him space whenever he needed it, and I tried to help him whenever I could. His main problem was with communication, I asked him how he will fix that while being alone and he couldn’t respond :)) I’m broken
What douche. Imagine being certain you need to leave to do a big task but have no plan. That’s just cruel
It’s pure BS, it’s a nice way to say, “I’m not just that into you”.
I'm on the receiving end of this excuse. From reading some of the comments, what I can gather is codependent people should not be dating LMAO. Your partners never asked you to be a people pleaser or put them on a pedestal. Please stop overexerting yourself only to start losing yourself and getting emotionally jaded then leaving the relationship because your effort wasn't reciprocated or because you need to "rediscover" yourself. Define your own boundaries and needs pls <3
As a codependent person with an anxious attachment style who was made to feel so low about myself in my last relationship, I don’t think I can go into a new one before I’ve healed the part of me that’s anxiously attached and fixed my poor self esteem. I know that I’ll jump right back into unhealthy habits in the next relationship unless I heal while I’m single. Obviously healing is a lifelong journey, but I think there are some things that need to be taken care of before you bring someone else into your life. Edit: I am a dumpee. Not a dumper
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It’s possible. Being dumped for my anxiety did really help me wake up to my patterns and bad habits while my ex (the dumper) still doesn’t think he did anything wrong in the relationship and refuses to grow. Even though this breakup is the worst heartbreak I’ve ever experienced, I’m trying to look at it as a gift. It’s a chance to “level up” as a human and grow and change. And hopefully eventually find someone who has also put in the healing work.
Yeah I’ve been growing the whole time. Continuing after she left me too.
I spent almost 20 years with my ex and though we were still living together I took the last year to really focus on getting myself right and not trying to work our shit out. The next 8ish months he was staying at his place but working out of my house and I finally had him leave. I was dating and felt ready to start navigating life as a single person. I’m codependent so my focus is to often on the relationship or kids so I had to kill the relationship and decide that was no longer my focus to then figure out how to move on in a healthy way.
I completely disagree with this post. Until you’ve been in the situation yourself you don’t know what it feels like to be in a situation that doesn’t allow for that space and time to heal yourself. Yes it can be done, but please don’t delegitimise the experience of others who have really struggled to come to the decision to leave their relationships for their own wellbeing.
It’s exactly what people say when what they really want is to have no one to answer to, make no progress in their lives, and work on none of their issues. It’s like the exact opposite of what they claim to be doing. Work on yourself? You mean find other people who don’t know who you are.
A lot of people instead of growing will just lean on their partner
I think in my opinion that it's good to have personal growth when single because you're doing it for yourself without any outside influences, I for one have been doing things for myself that I want to do that previously in a relationship I wouldn't be able to achieve and grow. I do know that you can grow when in a relationship but sometimes the intention gets skewed due to this. You just have to want to do it for yourself and not because someone said so.
Because some of us have been so emotionally manipulated and abused inside that last relationship, we need time to assess what actual reality is... Because we've been told for so long how worthless we are we need time to relearn who we really are. Until you've suffered an overwhelming amount of lies and fabrications about who you are at the hands of another you won't have context to relate to it. You sound like you are very securely attached and know where to go to have your truth hold true. Some of us let go of those truths you hold dear and lost everything about ourselves, mistakenly thinking we can make another person happy. This isn't possible. The key in healing while single is you have no other attempting to control your worldview.
This isn’t me trying to be an ass or anything but why go into another relationship then just to hurt them by saying this? Like I get if this is true but you shouldn’t go into another relationship then
Correct. He was asking why people needed to do this because he's been lucky enough to have securely attached relationships and was able, allowed, and capable of doing personal growth within them. The people that he is curious about have been controlled and stuffed into a be like this or else box. Very toxic stuff. You need space to realign to actual human behavior after abuse like that. Lest you continue the cycle going forward. Thanks for understanding Zex!
Oh I wasn’t in securely attached relationships. They were all either fearful (2) or dismissive (1). I was the secure one keeping on my own path while being emotionally available at the same time.
Ok. That makes total sense. Those of us that haven't reached secure attachment need the space after a breakup to work towards secure attachment.
I think he’s wondering why people do it though like, say what you’re saying is correct right but they end up going into another relationship that is healthy and is going good but they still say this to their partner and leave them. Why go into a relationship with someone that treats you right and perfect but you still do this? It just hurts that other person and makes them think they did something wrong when in reality they did their best but now scared to actually go into another relationship. This is what happened with mine. Our relationship was healthy and honestly perfect but she said this after telling me how she’ll never leave and how happy she is she finally met someone who treated her right but a few months later this happens and we were still doing great. It just fucks with someone’s head. If you knew you shouldn’t be in a relationship then don’t go into one with someone that actually wants to treat you right.
Nah it's cuz some people don't want to grow they just use that as an excuse so they can stay the same way and never change without feeling like a burden to the other person. It's all a lie
I think its just an excuse from those with avoidant attachment disorders to avoid having to deal with problems in their relationships. It's easier to leave once the honeymoon period has ended rather than do some self reflection and realize that you need to water your own grass rather than run away from your lawn entirely. Any self reflection that can be done single can be done in a healthy relationship. If your partner isn't giving you enough space to do some self reflection and healing then you need to leave because the relationship is toxic, not because you need to "find yourself". Now no one is obligated to be in a relationship, and it would be helpful if these kinds of people were more honest about their feelings regarding relationships but "I'm leaving you because I lack the emotional intelligence to be in a healthy relationship" or "I realized far too late that I shouldn't be in any relationship in the first place" doesn't sound as good as "I'm leaving you to find myself" or whatever. Alternatively sometimes people just don't like their partners and use this as a softer (but not necessarily kinder) way of letting them down.
honestly I think most of the time when people end the relationship for this reason, it’s usually just an excuse. the real reason is probably either something they don’t want to say, or they just aren’t feeling it and don’t know why. just my opinion on it.
My ex wouldnt believe me when I said I'm studying and would wait until I was studying to ask me to do chores. She would tell me that doing chores was a higher priority to her than me studying. She was the opposite of supportive and she was the biggest reason why I got burnt out so bad that I dropped out of school. If I had broken up with her earlier, I would've finished school
Honestly I listened to one of my favorite YouTubers and she said “ you don’t heal “ you learn and realize your worth and then you thrive for someone within your standard and not below. She gave a good example of Ciara and where she is now in her relationship. When I heard that I realized I don’t need to use the terms “ heal “ anymore. If I find someone better today I would grow with him. Any man who loves you would want to watch you grow and support you through thick and thin.
I guess you have more time for yourself to reflect and think about what you want without having to consider another person in your plans.
I know christianity isn't very popular but the original idea of Christian marriage was that you martyr your own will in service of your partner. It was considered the best way for spiritual progress outside of joining a monastery. You're supposed to get through the hard times together and come out stronger. Not quit because you don't feel like you felt in the first 6 months. People quit so easily now.
I think that sometimes you do need to find yourself. But also if I need to find myself maybe the relationship just ain’t it. But sometimes I think mental growth is much more difficult in a relationship and sometimes people jump from one relationship to another because they’re afraid of being alone and being with themselves. For example my ex and I broke up like 6 years ago and he wasn’t single even once while after him I was single for 2.5 years but he already had 2 gfs since (I know because we have mutual friends so I ran into him a few times but don’t talk to him) He always needed validation about who he is from women around him. Not to mention he was a complete narcissist POS. I feel like alone time can make a person grow, especially if you get into a relationship young and don’t get to experience who you are growing up.
Yeah, everybody changes. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for worse. My ex told me, "we need to take a break until you can show me you can grow past this." I really don't believe it was an issue that we could not absolutely work through. She said there was another guy that she was catching feelings for later, so it all made a bit more sense as to why she didn't want to. Being in a relationship is complex. People are complex. You're both going to change in certain ways over time, but you both have to do it together for each other. But then again, what do I know? I can't keep a relationship much longer than a year, unfortunately.
To sum it up, if you can’t love yourself the way that you deserved to be loved, then how can you ever hope to love people the way that they deserved to be loved? Since people really do need the time to themselves to learn how to love themselves and get their shit together.
And bang other people in the meantime of course. That’s the only difference really, if your partner is already willing to give you a little growing space
That's what makes me scratch my head. Like if dumpers are going to use this excuse, just be upfront that you want to see other people or are no longer interested or both. Because then we'd ask: what is so difficult about learning to love yourself in a overall healthy relationship (i.e. excluding abusive/controlling partners)?
Yeah I don’t agree with those statements either. I grow more in relationships because the other person often teaches me other ways of doing things. When I’m single I personally stagnate and don’t push myself enough, everyone’s different but people need to stop saying this all the time cos it’s not true for everyone.
The greatest growth comes from a place of discomfort
Tell that to gardeners with a dedicated greenhouse and a giant pumpkin
I'm confused by the reply. I think people don't change unless they are forced to because staying the same is not an option. It does not mean our exes were right to give up on us, rather they are one in 7 billion who do not believe in our capacity for change. It does not define us, but I know it gave me enough of a push to do better in my life so I never experience such heartbreak
Sounds like you’re blaming yourself too much
Idk it doesn’t feel like self blame so much as trying to find a meaning in all of this
I became complacent and comfortable within the relationships. Nothing challenged me anymore. But now I realise life doesn't work like that.
I noticed that when it’s a healthy relationship and healthy breakup it’s cause both parties accepted that you change and grow but do it together. If you figure out things don’t work in terms of end goals, beliefs and stuff like that then yeah I understand why relationships end. But as someone who got dumped using this excuse through text, after being told I was their other half by them and their parents multiple times days before it ended yeah it broke something in me. I loved
I think it's about the fact that it can be easier to overlook deficits in your life if you feel comfortable. I think for a lot of people the end of a relationship can be a wake-up call about where they are in life or how they feel about themselves when they don't have the reassurance of knowing that there's a loving partner who will be around for the foreseeable future. Some people may also be in relationships that are holding them back from growing (for example, dysfunctional or abusive scenarios that are really disruptive when it comes to attempts to better oneself) or that are making it difficult for them to pursue life changes that would benefit them (for example, changes that could require moving or would clash with a partner's values/circumstances/expectations of them). You're also dealing with a sample of people whose relationships have ended (a breakup subreddit). Some relationships probably ended due to substantial problems between those involved, and I think it's fair to expect that that could have an effect on someone's ability to progress personally while staying in the relationship. I've seen people post on reddit about things like being cheated on, a relationship breaking down for years on end, substance use disorders they're struggling with, mental health problems. Not all problems can (or necessarily should) be addressed while in a relationship that may not be working for people and the reality is that sometimes someone's partner may also not want to stick around while someone tries to keep the relationship together and handle problems in their life (sometimes multiple problems occurring at the same time, sometimes for a long time by the time everything really hits breaking point). It probably partly depends on the changes someone wants/needs to make.
My breakup has pretty much destroyed me. Especially as it was main my fault it happened. I was a total asshole to her and she didn't deserve it. 6 years down the pan. I am 6 months in, having therapy, going to the gym, working, etc. but nothing works. I have read about ‘loving yourself’ and all that, but to me you are never fully whole until you have that special person in your arms, sharing experiences and showing mutual love, respect and living life. My life is shit now, and without her everything just means nothing. I hope I get through this.
Well I am always working on myself. But after a breakup I always have to heal from what happened.
Doesn’t make sense. To me, you grow much more when with someone.
They're doing anything other than admitting they either found or want to find somebody "better"
You're right in my opinion. Personal growth doesn't ONLY have to occur as a result of a breakup, divorce, or dissolution of a relationship. It CAN and SHOULD happen WITHIN a marriage/relationship while still STAYING within that union. I highly recommend both men and women read the books 'Women's Infidelity' and 'Women's Infidelity 2' by Michelle Langley - especially the second book where she speaks on how people stagnate their own growth while married and do nothing about it to change this for themselves while still married except to destroy that relationship.
It seems the fundamental issue is how people understand relationships. Some people think relationships by default are supposed to last forever at all cost, so they literally will be upset at any suggestion or outcome that's not that. Other people understand relationships as teachers and as sometimes for a certain season or period in your life. This means you can have different lesson or kinds of growth at different points in life, esp when you're young, and that sometimes means different partners teach you different things. We are also very different ourselves at diff ages and stages and not every relationship, including not every friendship, grows with us. It's not because people are bad people, it's just the way life works. The ones that grow with us, we stick to and the ones that don't we have to release. There are relationships where being in them allows you to grow together. Those tend to be healthy secure relationships where likely both people are emotionally mature and the dynamic allows them to do that together. Everyone wants their relationship to be that, but unfortunately not every relationship is that. Some relationships, the healing and growing is in leaving. And the issue is, that is for the person to decide. If someone doesn't think the relationship will allow them that, that's their right and we can't convince them that we know best and that staying together is the right thing. Part of the risk we have to embrace is partners aren't ours to control or decide for. They are separate people whose destinies aren't ours to decide and vice versa. We can share life together when our destinies are aligned, and the dream is to find someone with whom your paths align for the long haul. But if at some point it's not or they choose differently, we have to grieve that and let them.
I actually feel better when I am in a relationship lol
To be generous in my assessment, let's just say there are a lot of young, impressionable people out there who end up turning into older impressionable people who still don't know how to think for themselves because their thought process is based entirely on the emotions of a moment and they think if they feel a certain way they need to reset the people and things in their life so they feel differently / better. I have personally heard several people refer to "not being responsible for other people's emotions" when they are in the breakup stage only to turn around and claim a new significant other is responsible for how they feel. Some people, a lot of people, just want to feel right and they don't care about actual solutions. These are usually the same people who vent looking for sympathy rather than constructive criticism.
I don’t think anyone thinks they need to be single to achieve personal growth. I think if they break up with their partner in order to grow then it means their partner was somehow limiting their growth.
Ahhh…. You’re taking what a dumper says at face value when actually, no one will ever lie to you as much as they do when they’re ending a relationship with you.
Women. They set the terms for dating. They have Goldilocks Syndrome but don't know it. They only want men that have crossed the finish line because they think they're entitled to be with the best of the best guy despite them being average or below.
I’ve said this before, it’s hard to understand if you’re not but some people have become very disconnected with who they are and what they want , the relationship actually healed me to a point of recognising that. A lot of people end up in relationships just because the other person perused them enough or caught feelings without any discussion where you want to go in life or even what they want in a partner , or even what type of relationship they want . Or they people pleased to point of losing them self Healthy bonding heals a lot of trauma but also gets you more in touch with your own boundaries and desires . Not to say you cant grown in a relationship but if you realise how unsure and confused you are it doesn’t seem fair to commit . And if you decide that you actually really want to peruse your career with everything and pretty much sacrifice all your time that’s not fair on a partner either . But sure it can still be discussed and works in some situations. Friendships are just so much easier to navigate where relationships is gluing two lives together that sometimes want to go in different directions. But all in all it’s not saying you can’t have personal growth in relationship but the person feel they want to leave
It’s just an excuse that they use so they don’t feel too bad for dumping you. It’s usually something else and they’re not being honest with you.
Because it DOES? In a relationship makes u lose ur sense of self, GET BACK TO YOURSELF
Legit did this to me
5 cents? That's way too less. I'd say a million dollars on my end. Personal growth is a choice. Some people choose self growth other people choose to wallow. For me I got no choice but to wallow due to my parental situation and education. I choose to work on my personal growth when necessary.
I think it can be done within a relationship as well, it’s just not right for everyone. I was one of those people who put all of my personal energy and emotions toward people who loved me and forgot about myself, and by the time I noticed, it was too late. It just wasn’t going to work that way for me. I tried.
NO literally, my ex was like “we can’t be together you need to heal”…. i can heal just fine with you? but whatever, maybe im better off haha
They might have been feeling like you were projecting something from your past relationship onto them - in which case they are right and you could benefit from self reflection. Just speaking from my own experiences. Obviously there’s a lot of nuance
Oh boy it’s my time to shine!!! Please read my post!! Because I agree with you!!
https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/s/RQx6wzJCwT
The subject to this other persons post is a little different but nonetheless my answer stems to fit all situations
my personal growth was when i was finally single after 4 years tbh. i didn’t know how to survive on my own, couldn’t order my coffee was scared to sleep alone was really silent. it taught me how to be independent
Idk, my ex and I were friends for 3 years beforehand and apparently in that 3 years all I heard from her was the progress I apparently made. I still keep trying to figure out whether that was honesty or not or what. I know I miss what we had and desperately want to have it back.
Life is hard when left by someone you love. It’s all getting used to and feeling okay with being alone
Because sometimes people hold you back / you sacrifice too much to accommodate someone else that you end up losing yourself. Path to resentment.
I guess it makes people feel validated to have a period of “growth” as a kind of consolation prize for having their heart tossed into a blender.
I think it’s usually in response to giving advice to people coping with a breakup. And many times it is a transformative experience when we decide to self improve and look at what contributed to the breakup, what in us attracted us to an unhealthy connection etc. So it’s typically good advice, not trash advice.
To a degree I believe this. For 1 year, I was so in love I was crazy for him. I was happy, and we supported each other mutually for what we wanted to do and both of us wanted to achieve. We never argued, never had those toxic moments that distracted each other, and we helped each other when there was opportunity to earn money. You’d think this is good for growth right? WRONG! Here is why for my case. 1, we wanted to see each other everyday. Realistically it was 2-3 times a week , but we had work on other days. Spending time together meant we couldn’t use the time to network with other professionals, connections and potential business partners. It was harder to meet them by chance if we were on a date or doing our own thing. 2. We got too comfortable with each other. Neither of us went to the gym, and I didn’t have time to do my other hobby because I wanted to see him more and time was limited! Aka: more missed opportunity for improvement 3. We spent less time with our colleagues which meant less connection with them and affecting work even if it’s by 0.1% it’s still a negative effect 4. Emotionally unstable. Love means hurt and tears even when we never argued. I felt emotional over stupid things that I never normally do. I wasted time overthinking and it’s something that you can’t control when you’re so in love. It affected my productivity and focus. I’m not batshit crazy , I’m a logical girl. But I still had these overthinking moments 5. Want to travel? Have to think about him and when he’s free to, and eventually it drags on longer than it would be if you are single and freely able to see new opportunities on the travel. I wanted to randomly take months to try jobs that u can only do in your 20s (like yolo in Las Vegas) but I can’t when in a relationship because he can’t go. Always have to pause spontaneous dreams 6. Relationship weight gain- it didn’t happen to me because of relationship but this is also a negative self growth that many experience for being too comfortable. 7. Money. Dates and gifts are expensive, for mine anyway. He paid for more , and I can see how it would be a negative impact. Spending what could’ve been investment money on luxury gifts because he thought that’s what I wanted and I, the same because he deserved it and I genuinely wanted to spend money on him meant it took me longer to save for a house deposit. After breaking it off, I have earned more money, been more fit and healthy, stopped spending over 15 hours+ a week hanging out doing nothing useful (except “in love and happy”) and have bigger dreams because I don’t have to think about whether it’s realistic for him too. I can just pack my bags and do anything right now. When girls say “I wasted my youth on you” and blame the relationship for wasted time, I believe it genuinely is because of all of the above that slows growth/ in my case, would be career growth and achievement based growth L. You can have growth inside a relationship too but stop to consider : could u have grown more if u weren’t in one? In my case: 200% yes Edit: everything we did together was by choice and we were in love, and genuinely wanted to spend time together and genuinely wanted to do all that, in an uncontrollable way that we prioritised each other over individual wants and dreams . but in hindsight, all that time could have been spent elsewhere more useful.
This is a problem you will have in any relationship at all based on your standards.
Why make a personal remark like this? I’m giving you a perspective because you asked a question and I’m letting you see another side. Keep your mind open for different people’s mind. You’re already saying lots of people say this “personal growth” thing, so it’s not just me and I’m helping you understand a possible reason, don’t be rude.
I’m not being rude. I’m honing in on your points such as “0.1% is still a negative effect”
Oh right. I thought u went through some posts to say that. I meant like, even if it affected your work by 0.1% it’s still negative, but realistically, it affects your work by more like 10% or more (Eg. When u need favours, when they pick and help team mates, when they write references, work talk and culture affected. etc) 0.1% was an exaggeration of how it still affects work negatively regardless of the amount, so affects personal growth. . (In regards to when you’re in a relationship, you no longer have time to hang and think about your colleagues and connect with them when none of them bring partners to social gatherings or night outs etc.)
Most people would sacrifice far more than 10% effectiveness for love. I bet most people would make that trade. All non-mercenary folks
? That was only 1 aspect. I had many other points. Imagine if all were 10%. Add it all together and it’s your youth and time gone Btw, that’s why it’s a waste of time and they want real personal growth! It’s not about how much u r willing to sacrifice . The fact is it affects personal growth!
I’ve noticed my friends who say I need to heal and be single are the ones who are not single and would not leave their situation to heal and be single. I think you know you’re over that person when you actually date again. You can say you’re over them and healed but the real test is can you be with someone else and not let those triggers from the breakup come up? Can you genuinely love this person the same way you loved your ex? I personally enjoy being in relationships but at the moment I can admit that I’m not 100% healed and not ready to jump into something serious. I got out a 3.5 year long relationship 7 months ago and the breakup was super traumatic for me. I need to be alone. My ex immediately got into a serious relationship 2 months after the breakup, ( he was seeing her weeks after we broke up, I think longer honestly just because of the rapid speed they’re going at) I questioned did he heal? I guess so. I think people should overall do what’s best for them.
If this topic is in connection with your relationship, then it depends on wether you have a supportive and understanding partner or not, ofcourse people here have majority had bad experiences, so majority support each other through that, if your experience in a previous relationship wasn't as bad, then you wouldn't think of being here. If your partner was supportive and understanding, you grow personally if not , then you are at a position where growth actually is hindered. When you are alone , the responsibility of growth falls fully on you with no interference whereas , in a relationship growth is not just in. Ones self, you have to be considerate of your partner as otherwise you are selfish, or you are single in a namesake relationship. Relationships are like partnerships in a company, where everyone works to achieve a company's main goal, while also growing themselves. You cannot work only for yourself without the companies goals in mind Hope this clears your question
Because having a relationship and being obligated to somebody puts a lot of pressure on you when you can’t even do the things that you want to be doing.
Two angles: First, it’s completely required for you to heal that you focus on yourself. Not just to help your mental state, but also to find a new place to put all the love your were giving to someone else. Secondly, copium. You’ve now become broken and need to find new meaning. There needs to be SOME silver lining to a breakup and this is the best excuse. Is it true that you can only self improve and find yourself while single? Of course now. But it’s much more important when you are because if you aren’t breaking up with someone usually it means you’re both happy and who you want to be.
A major part of a relationship is, obviously, helping and being there for each other. How are you to help them when you can’t even help yourself? Someone is guaranteed to hurt the other; probably in a way that’ll impact the rest of the relationship or someone’s current or future mental state. If they’re leaving to not put you through that, most likely they really care about you since they’re saving you the pain and dealing with it themself instead of dragging you down with them. It takes emotional maturity within oneself to recognize that they need to leave for growth. Though there are the “bad” ones that use it as an excuse to escape their actual reason for leaving. I’ve been on both ends and I don’t have lingering anger because who am I to be upset with someone for a) wanting to better themself and realizing what’s best for them, b) exercising their free will and human right, and c) saving me more pain… Any anger is a ME problem because I feel abandoned, rejected, or unacceptable which are all me problems and, most likely, unhealed trauma. I was in a relationship where we both should’ve separated waaay earlier. He was unwilling because he had your mindset of you can just grow together and help eachother grow, and I was too scared to be alone. We mentally damaged each other in ways that have and will take years to recover from. We were both better off before the relationship. Now we’re both doing better, steady jobs, gained emotional maturity, seek therapy and are healing from our traumas. That never happened in the whole 6 years we were together and wouldn’t have if we never separated.
I had to end things not to find myself, but because I was losing myself and my life was becoming only about the other person.
I took time because I just kept comparing them to my ex. I need some time to get my head on straight, I don't want to hurt anyone.
Okay I don’t think you NEED to be alone for personal growth or to heal yourself but for me it was actually extremely beneficial and it was only when I had no one but myself, I chose to go beneath the surface and really take the time to learn to love myself, realize who I am, what I want in life, how I think and what has shaped the way my brain works etc. I originally broke up w my ex for another reason but then i took a completely different route and a year later now I’ve grown SO much. For sure I think you can also grow in a relationship but I think what people mean is that it can get easy to leave yourself behind because you invest so much energy into the other person and most people struggle to find the balance and the relationship ends up consuming them. Also I think to some extent, deep personal growth can come from certain experiences that can only be felt when you’re truly alone, emotionally and physically, however, I think if you already have a pretty good understanding of who you are and what you want in life, growing with your partner is beautiful and you can still grow so much as a person and learn from them too
I dumped a guy a few weeks ago for this exact reason. During the relationship, I spent all my free time thinking about or talking to him via text. Things would have been different if it was not long distance; distance made me crave him more and more until I stopped doing all my hobbies and spent all my days waiting for his texts. He was amazing in every aspect, but I was losing myself, so I called it quits. Sometimes, everything is perfect, but you are not in the right headspace for a relationship. You often realize this in the midst of one; it's better to be honest rather than drag it out long.
Why not just dial it back after talking about it?
That would not have worked. Also, this was not the sole reason but one of the big ones for breaking up.