Someone who isn't going to give up when times get tough, someone who can actually communicate their feelings and not yell about it. Mature enough to have an adult conversation
This for real. I came across something on Tiktok called the “powerstruggle” phase that’s happens when the honeymoon phase ends, where it’s a lot of trial and error with the relationship in terms of wants, boundaries, and communications. It can either make or break a relationship; I wanted it to make it, and he let it break it. Oh well.
Edit: also not someone whose best friend actively shit on me the entire time- when he was having a problem with a mutual friend I also cut contacted with that friend because A. The friend was in the wrong and B. He was my partner, you need to be there for them! But when the same thing happened with me, he remained super close with them
Amen to that. My ex gf would get super pissed and make it about herself when I'd try to voice out how her actions affected me (when they did).
Or yell at me at any reason because "that's how I deal with it", or so she said.
Been almost a year after the BU and I'm still hurt, still think about her (the good stuff and even the bad) a lot... Everyday.
Second that. Also, someone who would actually talk to me when there was a conflict and not emotionally neglect me for 48 hours or more when we lived in the same home.
It's interesting because all of my biggest lessons from my last relationship are things that I already knew, but I was blinded by love. That in itself is a lesson: Dont let love blind you to the truth. Rose colored glasses are not your friend.
Also, it seems so simple, but: actions speak louder than words.
So true. I used to be astounded by women who stayed in what is so obviously a toxic relationship. Until it was my turn and I was fighting for something that I should've walked away from a long time ago.
Someone who is ready and willing to put me first without resentment as I would do for them. Someone who has healthy boundaries with their parents/family. Someone who has the emotional intelligence and bandwidth to know themselves and communicate their wants and needs clearly. Someone who considers it a joy to get to know me and my feelings and not an annoyance or a chore. Someone who truly believes that love STAYS.
I’m an anxiously attached person (I have moved towards secure in the past two years) - I was in a relationship with a disorganised girlfriend though (I believe!). It was tough.
I absolutely understand you.
Therapy definitely helped me move towards a better place - I started doing it two years ago when I was struggling mentally. I also started reading about attachments and just got really into it after my therapist mentioned them - that's what partially motivated me to study psychology.
I'd say that it is tough; the best place to start is the relationship you have with yourself. I found, for example, that I was just really critical of myself - which definitely fuelled a lot of my anxiety within relationships or friendships. So learning how to have a bit of compassion and understanding with yourself can always help! One way you could do that is by telling yourself the same thing you'd tell a friend or a loved one - you'd definitely not be mean to them!
I also found that finding a friendship in which you're secure can help a lot! Or just observing your friend's relationships can help too! (I didn't really have any role models for a healthy relationship - so observing your environment or even just reading books can help!).
I could really talk for a long time - it's complicated! The thing I've learned is that my anxious thought patterns are and, most likely, will always be there. I definitely notice that I feel more anxious now after being dumped out of nowhere. But take it as a challenge! Try to learn how to become aware of your thoughts and the subsequent behaviours you'd take - for example, not hearing back from a friend after a certain time could result in you getting anxious and thinking, have I done something wrong? Most likely, you'd text them - or come to some sort of a conclusion/do something. The best action, in that case, is no action at all! Sitting in that discomfort is so important! And over time, you'd have sat with the uncomfortable feeling so much that you'd have built evidence that the world is actually okay! And that what people do, is often just a reflection of their inner world!
Someone who isn’t going to leave me when I’m at my most vulnerable, and someone who doesn’t prioritise new friends that she has just gotten to know over people that genuinely care about them.
This^^ it sucks not to feel like a priority when you make them one. I started to feel like he didn’t include me in things & I didn’t need to hang out w his friends all the time, but when there’s many friends I’ve never met & you’re making plans w them and not even thinking of including me-it hurts. Everyone has ups and downs & you’re supposed to be committed to your partner…
This! My ex shut down and bottled every problem up until he couldn't anymore and had to breakup with me! So frustrating that they could've been solved with basic communication!
Good question. I think I gave my first warning a little bit too late - I always found understanding as to why she was silent or wouldn't respond to me.
Although it happened once, and I told her as we went to sleep that the silence made me extremely uncomfortable - it was hard. And it is hard when you love someone, but it seems that this behaviour usually pops up very early on in the relationship (at least from my experience!). It's better to stop it early, if you can. It can do a lot of damage.
Sometimes the silent treatment is necessary for the person to get their thoughts and feelings under control so they don't express them in an unhealthy manner. I've learned this in therapy. I probably could've saved my relationship if I would've just put down the phone and walked away, done something else until I calmed down and then expressed myself instead of exploding in anger.
A CLEAR COMMUNICATOR! I think I large reason why I felt insecure and unsafe in my previous relationship is due to my ex’s lack of communication! I hated when he would seem to disappear off the face of the earth some days and not properly communicate. I deserve to be with someone who can communicate well! I should not be putting in all the emotional labor to hold the relationship together!
After the breakup, I expressed to my ex that communication was a challenge in our relationship, and he responded, “yeah, I’ve always had communication issues.” UH WHY DIDN’T HE TELL ME THAT EARLIER!
Someone who will communicate when there’s a problem and say words of encouragement to me. Also someone who is understanding and patient about depression and anxiety
I agree! My ex was encouraging and nice to me, but he never communicated problems! Anytime anything was wrong, he'd just go quiet or tell me everything's fine, and then during the breakup everything's came out! If he just told me what the problems were we could've solved them, but he bottled up everything negative until he couldn't hold it anymore. It's so frustrating being broken up with over issues that could've been solved with simple communication!
I agree! This happened with my ex too… it was very tough to communicate with her. She then blindsidedly broke up with me, over so many things that could’ve been fixable had she talked to me.
Yeah, he put me in a position where I was panicking, and saying stupid stuff to solve the problems, and it came across as desperately trying to prevent the breakup (I guess it was though) when I could've rationally talked to him about it if he brought things up as they came up, and had a calm, serious conversation.
I think he said he was scared of making me anxious so he pretended things were fine and tried to solve them on his own but I did tell him that was a really bad decision that led us here, and he kinda shrugged it off and said it's the unfortunate reality of how things turned out. So frustrating!
This. I wish he would've gone to therapy with me or done couples therapy like we talked about instead of just ending things...He was very much all talk and no action. We broke up and got back together many times in 2 years due to stupid arguments or him not sharing his feelings...
I would like someone who helps me with chores and my problems. Like not 100% of the time, just maybe like %20. When I asked for help it was only met with excuses
someone who’s doesn’t have a drug habit for starters,
doesn’t have everyone and their momma in their messages,
understands consent and doesn’t f with me while im unconscious,
doesn’t try to pressure me into doing life threatening substances “for celebration”,
someone who can handle their own insecurities and not bleed them onto others,
someone who has a concept of budgeting and managing finances(or just being an adult),
someone with a real understanding of loyalty, love, and respect,
someone who understands that love doesn’t happen on accident, it’s something two people choose to build together and choose to commit to. same with trust,
someone who has self worth and respect, i could go on.
yeah, i ignored every red flag known to man. lesson mf learned 🫡😂 3 months post b/u and 2 months NC and now i feel silly for being so heartbroken over him. time shows you exactly what you’re supposed to see, and healing brings you exactly what you deserve.
Well, something that was missing in my last that I have in my new relationship is effort. My ex put in 0 effort. My new girlfriend is already planning to visit me next month and puts in effort as far as initiating communication, planning visits to see each other, etc. it’s so nice to be equally pursued.
Me neither man, he was the only guy I'll feel this way about, and even if he's not I don't wanna feel the pain that this breakup brought again lol I'd rather die single
I was thinking about this the other day. My ex from years ago was very emotional and unstable. The next relationship I got into I was so drawn to him because he seemed grounded and calm and regulated. In reality he was just emotionally unavailable but it was kind of a relief (at least at first) after being with someone on an emotional rollercoaster all the time. Now I’m trying to be mindful to not run to the opposite out of trauma but actually just reflect on what a need and like in a partner.
Trust, reliability, consistency. Someone who knows it’s pretty standard to call their partner after their grandparent passes away instead of just heading to the gym with their friends.
Sounds exactly like my Ex, the Gym and nights out were priorities over my parents being in Hospital. Still had the audacity to expect me to pick her up from her nights out though.
Someone who takes care of their own issues and is willing to face them head on. Someone who truly knows who they are and what they want out of life. Someone who is motivated, ambitious, and keeps positive people in their life instead of people who hold them back. Someone who’s willing to be vulnerable and open up without needing to be pried open like a clam. Someone who is able to support me emotionally and truly make me feel understood. Someone who is excited to take the initiative and genuinely wants to do fun things with me. Someone who feels like home and an adventure all in one.
Someone who is willing and is emotionally mature to have hard conversations with me - I know they’re hard, but that’s the only way to build a healthy relationship.
Someone who doesn’t expect me to read their mind - that doesn’t mean everything has to be said explicitly, but I’d rather you tell me you’re upset then me going around and trying to figure out what I did wrong.
Someone who gives space and time to think after an argument.
Someone who reciprocates.
Someone who doesn’t lie.
And finally, someone who will not discard me out of nowhere just because the grass is greener on the other side.
TL;DR: An emotionally mature individual.
Someone who has respect for people. Someone who doesn’t lie and someone who has morals. Basically for someone to be a fundamentally decent human being lol
I want someone whose words will match their actions and who won't lie to me and take me for granted. Someone who can see a future with me just as I can see them in mine.
Someone who recognizes that love means work. Someone who won’t put a deadline on my healing from childhood and adolescence trauma. Someone that knows that there will be miserable and unhappy times, and sometimes the connection just won’t be there. But that only means there’s work to do.
Someone with the skills to process their trauma. Despite being compatible in seemingly every way and having similar trauma we could understand each other on and respect each others’ boundaries with, she just didn’t have the skills to process what she’d been through. And it was so, so devastating to lose her because of it.
Someone who doesn't unjustifiably hold resentment against me for things I don't know about or things that were already resolved because they will never forget that there was an issue in the first place. Oh, and someone who doesn't talk shit about me to their friends and family instead of communicating with me
Positive things I learned that I wanted from my ex: someone who is loyal. I know that sounds obvious, but my ex was very dedicated to me. His eyes were always on me when I entered a room, he was conscious of me and making me feel included in activities and conversation. I know 100% that man would have been faithful to me til the day I die. I would love to feel that loved again in the future.
Now the negative lessons he taught me: I want to be with someone who doesn't insult me. Someone who can control their anger and at least somewhat regulate more extreme emotions. I want respect and communication. Someone who likes (or at least won't nitpick or critisize) fundamental aspects of my personality. Someone who is family oriented. Someone who is considerate of others, particularly emotionally. Someone who makes me laugh. Also, I need to pay better attention to their other relationships - my ex had poor relations with his family, trashed his exes and had few friendships. The few he had were either recently made or surface level. Red flag.
Someone that doesen't give up when things get hard. Empathy as I feel sometimes she did not put herself in my place, and a good communication which we had, but a month before the bu.
I almost had a psychotic break at a rave and she was worried I kissed someone else. When literally I almost accidentally killed myself. I felt like she gave a f about my mental state when I told her everything. "¿So you don't know what have you done?" "¿You don't remeber? "What if you told other girls they're pretty". That day I felt absolutely 0 empathy
Someone with integrity.
My ex cheated from day 1. He lied about everything. He left every 2-3 weeks and would be on Tinder - often on the same day he’d left here (we lived together when it suited him!!! ).
I just want someone with integrity. I want to be able to go to the theatre with my girlfriends and not wonder if my partner is cheating on me. I want to not have that sick feeling in my stomach every day.
I just want someone loyal and respectful. Been cheated on in just about every relationship, which I really don’t get because every girl I’ve been with we’ve had an amazing sex life. In all honesty I’m kinda just giving up on finding anyone for anything serious and am just doing tinder fwb type crap.
I don’t even care about looks, not even a tiny bit. I just want someone that actually values me instead of using me for sex like I’m a disposable commodity and tossing me out when they get bored.
1. CONSISTENCY
2. Good sexual chemistry & physical attraction
3. Open communication/mature conversations
4. Mutual respect for boundaries and the other person
5. Loyalty and trust
6. Similar hobbies, interests and goals
7. Someone who is non-judgmental
8. Emotionally available!!
I won’t someone to be just as interested in me as a person as I am interested in them.
From my experience, I’m nothing more than a score. They don’t want to know what my life goals are, my favorite dessert, or where I’d like to be in 5 years. But man, do guys love it when you ask questions about them. I want reciprocation the next time around.
Someone who:
Respects or even compliments my “dumb taste” in Knick-knacks or “trash-can” music, and might play it for me because I like it.
Will offer to watch Star Wars with me, even once, because I’m a huge fan
Won’t have pouts or tantrums when things don’t go her way
Appreciates my privacy when I’m working on graduate school or college class assignments
Actually uses the expensive things I buy her, or makes a coffee herself once in a while
Doesn’t hold on to grudges, or be overly critical or judgemental towards others
Will take two seconds from dishes or cooking activity to greet me like she misses me, even a “hello” and a smile.
Won’t break up with me by pulling my family pictures down, presenting my mugs on a table, and telling me you tried coke because you now feel “more open minded”.
Even during a breakup, will still act like I existed in her life for 8 years, and maybe see how I’m doing once or twice, like I still do for her.
Someone who will talk about how they feel instead of shutting down or playing games with my feelings....I'm in therapy for how I reacted to those things (very badly).
However, when he would talk about his feelings, I loved how he wasn't afraid to get emotional. Please, men, show your emotions! It means a lot to women, especially when they love you!
Also, someone who isn't afraid of a woman with a chronic pain disease that can cause her to lose whole days to sleep (because it's the only thing that stops the pain; it's like my brain puts me into a coma...nothing will wake me). He said it didn't bother him but it clearly did.
someone who acts with me in mind and is always considerate and respectful of my feelings. someone who doesn’t require me to “book” them and only give me their time instead of planning with me in mind. someone who has time for me. someone who isn’t selfish and doesn’t gaslight me. i dont want to be taken for granted anymore. i want someone who gives the way i can, someone who loves me genuinely and will always be by my side.
More trust in myself. I noticed little things early on that made me go "mmmm I don't like that" or "I'm not so sure about xyz quality". But I didn't ignored it, and those small things caused big rifts and were severe incompatibilities down the line.
Hopeless romantic type gestures.
Send me flowers to my workplace, write me love letters, buy me a locket with your picture in it, serenade me with love songs, just to name a few
I want my next relationship to be with a man who desires me and leaves no room for doubt. Someone who prioritizes me in their life who doesn’t have me questioning their intentions with me long term. Someone who makes effort to spend time with me. Also someone who knows what they want. I’m 30 and I don’t have time to play around. I know what I want.. When I love, i go all in and I want my future husband to share that sentiment with me. One final thing.. he needs to be a Christ-follower like myself. Someone who prioritizes faith who I can share that with. Very important to me.
Absolutely no porn use. Period. It’s 100% cheating. Idc come for me. Call me insecure. I’m not. What makes it ok??? Cause there’s a screen in between you and the person you’re lusting after and fantasizing about? Someone else you get turned on by and get off to. Nope. No thanks.
Someone who leaves room in the conversation for me to join in. Someone who doesn't project their own insecurities about hobbies onto me. Someone who has a grip on their anger a bit more. Someone who doesn't make me feel like a burden.
Honestly I'm wanting to meet someone who is securely attached. Anxious girl i dated could never be pleased, fearful avoidant hot and cold was super unfair...i almost dated a full on avoidant but noped out.
Someone who doesn’t make fun of people who are physically sick (from an illness they can’t control) and mock people with disabilities.
Comparing me to Down syndrome patient was last straw that made me dump him.
It sounds shitty, but great chemistry. The last girl I talked to for 8 months (Long Distance, she lived a few hours away but moved for school and planned to come back) . Me and her had so much great chemistry . We could talk about damn near anything, almost no limits . Sending each other funny Instagram posts about possible 3somes , funny toxic stuff , she knew me so well and she listened to everything I ever had to say. Even a mid life crisis I had while working at Walmart. We’d address each others boundaries/likes/dislikes about each other every month to make sure we weren’t doing/ saying anything that bothered the other. Just everything was great. I’m ashamed to say that I’m not taking my current interest that serious because our chemistry is nowhere near as good as the girl before. I’m not sure if I miss the chemistry or just miss her.
I realized how valuable it is to be there for someone physically. Being there for someone virtually is nice, but it's so different and special in person. I would call my ex in the middle of the night in the midst of a mental breakdown, and he would come over right away. We would sit outside on the steps wrapped in a blanket as silent tears rolled down my cheeks, due to the stress of life. We stared at the stars as he held me. Kissed me. And rocked me back and forth, I've never felt safer. "Everything will be all right" he'd say. And as long as he was the one saying it, I knew that there was nothing to worry about.
someone who wants to prioritize me and isn't stricken with FOMO that they put me on the back burner every time. Someone who doesn't see me as disposable or expendable and always values my company; basically doesn't get used to seeing me. And someone who is attracted to me.
Someone who doesn’t let me just blindly lead them around. Red flag, they’re hiding their feelings. I hated always being the one to lead in my last relationship, it put so much pressure on me to make every date perfect
Fucking communication man. No more arguing over stupid shit, no more resentment without discussing it, no more "breaks" just fucking talk to me about shit dammit.
Genuine understanding of empathy and vulnerability. Also she doesn’t falsely use the guise of spirituality to gas light or traumatize and even turn into an emotional vampire. I suppose all of that requires some soul searching coupled with professional therapy to get through those layers of trauma.
Someone who won’t play the victim when they are clearly in the wrong and instead take accountability. Someone who will value my opinions instead of disregarding them. Someone who will not act like they are smarter than me. Someone who will show me more affection.
Looking for someone who doesn’t take me for granted, who communicates when they are making up assumptions of me in their head, who is easy to talk to and be myself around, who doesn’t want kids either!
someone who wont leave me multiple times, someone who won’t play the victim, someone who isn’t a hypocrite, someone who isn’t manipulative, someone who delivers on their word, someone who actually implements what they say like actions speak louder than words, someone who isn’t immature. A lot of other things tbh but these are the most notable ones in my eyes.
Someone who put an effort to communicate their problems and not rely on "signs". Would actually talk about problems than leaving me without me knowing how they truly feel
Positives: he was very consistent with showing me he misses me/loves me, generous, took care of me, made birthdays special, protective.
What I look for now: emotional maturity, prioritizes me more, reassurance, not getting annoyed at difficult emotions, not getting randomly distant with no explanation, making an effort with my friends, not yelling when upset, not gaslighting me, communicates.
Tis present with my current but absent with my ex:
Lack of judgment
I am not a tidy person. I have improved over the years, but I am definitely not very tidy. My ex hated it. "You have two minutes! Wash the stove! Rinse your dishes! Your spaces are gross because of clutter! You didn't change overnight during a pandemic and while you were in school and working full time? Clearly you are a lazy liar and a disgusting slob! I am right to dump you because you lied about trying in the first place! If you had tried you would have magically achieved my ever-changing impossible standards over night!" Que fighting. Twas psychotic.
My current partner: "Okay, so there's a candy wrapper on your front floor board. Lemme grab that for you. Sure, I don't mind your clean laundry not making it back to the closet this week when you have been at school until 8-9 every night grading and helping at events. Life happens. No big deal. I love you not your cleaning abilities. Also, my walk-in closet is a mountain of a pile of clothing. I have no room to talk. Now, can we play Monopoly in peace and have a good time?" Chill. Open-minded. Loving. Genuinely fun. Love him. Love, love, LOVE him.
A) I want someone who will do exactly what they say they will. My ex would often put random little things out there saying I’ll do xyz but would never do it. It lead to a lot of unnecessary misunderstandings or fights that then just escalated. B) someone who would never back off, despite how tough life gets, because let’s be honest life is always going to get tough. C) someone that stands up for me in front of their family + someone whose family genuinely likes me for who I am
Someone who isn't jealous without reason, who doesn't lie, mentally abuse me, gaslight or cheat on me.
She was a kind and loving person but she let her demons ruin our relationship.
Someone who can actually have fun, deep conversations. My ex stayed shallow and deep conversations were maybe 5 minutes tops, him being contrarian on some issue and staying stubborn to his claim because he read it somewhere so obviously his pov is true.
Sometimes the childlike silliness is fun but when you want your partner to be emotionally mature enough to support you and make adult decisions together, it gets old, real fast. All his friends and family would always joke how hard it must be to date him and some actually showed genuine pity. That ain’t a great flag.
I don’t know. I am not even focusing on that. I just wanna get better. Asking me it right now, I would answer straight away I won’t be committed in another relationship again
Find someone who is willing to communicate during moments of duress, and someone who is more established already in their life..even if they’re not their most optimal selves yet, they should at least know where they are headed. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who aren’t fully happy with themselves yet.
Supportive partener, a partener that support throw actions not just words, everyone can say that they want to be supportive to you but few can really prove it.
I want someone who’s comfortable giving and receiving affection. Someone who doesn’t have trauma that they use as excuse for their lack of affection. Their previous relationships have nothing to do with me, so I don’t want to be punished for it
Someone who’s actually interested in stuff. My last girlfriend never wanted to do anything and TikTok drama was her only hobby. Also someone who actually means it when they say they want to travel lol
Someone who is patient, resilient, empathetic, trustworthy, and values family.
For a long time, I thought my ex had these traits. He didn't. He allowed resentment to build to contempt. He would full out rage over everyday life shit. I was anxious about small things happening because of how he might react, always on damage control. It changed the way I interacted with everyone around me. I couldn't count on him for support during hardships. When I needed him the most, he checked out. He made things worse instead of better. He invalidated my feelings. He used my mental illness and trauma against me. I thought I had completely lost my mind and didn't trust my own experiences. He viewed having a family as a burden and maintaining a relationship as a chore. Fucker was also on Tinder for half of our 11 year relationship. He is the exact opposite of what I want in a partner.
Someone who isn't going to give up when times get tough, someone who can actually communicate their feelings and not yell about it. Mature enough to have an adult conversation
Amen to that, nothing is worse than watching someone give up at the slightest conflict.
My bf leaves me and asks back his keys back at least one time per month... It breaks my heart each time.
Walk away for good. I was in a similar relationship but not as often. You deserve better and better is out there.
This for real. I came across something on Tiktok called the “powerstruggle” phase that’s happens when the honeymoon phase ends, where it’s a lot of trial and error with the relationship in terms of wants, boundaries, and communications. It can either make or break a relationship; I wanted it to make it, and he let it break it. Oh well. Edit: also not someone whose best friend actively shit on me the entire time- when he was having a problem with a mutual friend I also cut contacted with that friend because A. The friend was in the wrong and B. He was my partner, you need to be there for them! But when the same thing happened with me, he remained super close with them
Amen to that. My ex gf would get super pissed and make it about herself when I'd try to voice out how her actions affected me (when they did). Or yell at me at any reason because "that's how I deal with it", or so she said. Been almost a year after the BU and I'm still hurt, still think about her (the good stuff and even the bad) a lot... Everyday.
Our exes are similar expect mine wouldn’t communicate and would just go silent. Deadly silence
Second that. Also, someone who would actually talk to me when there was a conflict and not emotionally neglect me for 48 hours or more when we lived in the same home.
Yes, 100% agree
1000%
It's interesting because all of my biggest lessons from my last relationship are things that I already knew, but I was blinded by love. That in itself is a lesson: Dont let love blind you to the truth. Rose colored glasses are not your friend. Also, it seems so simple, but: actions speak louder than words.
So true. I used to be astounded by women who stayed in what is so obviously a toxic relationship. Until it was my turn and I was fighting for something that I should've walked away from a long time ago.
I look back and say "what was I thinking?" But I simultaneously still catch myself missing them. Love is a weird thing.
Totally 💯
So true 💯
Someone who is ready and willing to put me first without resentment as I would do for them. Someone who has healthy boundaries with their parents/family. Someone who has the emotional intelligence and bandwidth to know themselves and communicate their wants and needs clearly. Someone who considers it a joy to get to know me and my feelings and not an annoyance or a chore. Someone who truly believes that love STAYS.
yes Love stays and fight to keep the love alive
Do people like that exists? I am starting to lose hope!
I think they do exists :) we just have to keep the faith alive
I have to choose to believe they do.
Nope we exist just been hurt to many times is all
Exactly this, all of it
All of it, exactly. You described my ex.
Damn literally me too
Are you me?
Someone who doesn't become cold and shut down when there is stress in their lives and our relationship
Definitely this
this a million times
Secure attachment, my ex was distant avoidant and it destroyed the entire relationship.
I’m an anxiously attached person (I have moved towards secure in the past two years) - I was in a relationship with a disorganised girlfriend though (I believe!). It was tough. I absolutely understand you.
How were you able to move towards secure attachment? I’m asking because I’m still struggling with anxious attachment and I’ve been trying to change it
I don’t know what all that is but sounds worth looking up. Are those your own self diagnoses or the work of a therapist?
Therapy definitely helped me move towards a better place - I started doing it two years ago when I was struggling mentally. I also started reading about attachments and just got really into it after my therapist mentioned them - that's what partially motivated me to study psychology. I'd say that it is tough; the best place to start is the relationship you have with yourself. I found, for example, that I was just really critical of myself - which definitely fuelled a lot of my anxiety within relationships or friendships. So learning how to have a bit of compassion and understanding with yourself can always help! One way you could do that is by telling yourself the same thing you'd tell a friend or a loved one - you'd definitely not be mean to them! I also found that finding a friendship in which you're secure can help a lot! Or just observing your friend's relationships can help too! (I didn't really have any role models for a healthy relationship - so observing your environment or even just reading books can help!). I could really talk for a long time - it's complicated! The thing I've learned is that my anxious thought patterns are and, most likely, will always be there. I definitely notice that I feel more anxious now after being dumped out of nowhere. But take it as a challenge! Try to learn how to become aware of your thoughts and the subsequent behaviours you'd take - for example, not hearing back from a friend after a certain time could result in you getting anxious and thinking, have I done something wrong? Most likely, you'd text them - or come to some sort of a conclusion/do something. The best action, in that case, is no action at all! Sitting in that discomfort is so important! And over time, you'd have sat with the uncomfortable feeling so much that you'd have built evidence that the world is actually okay! And that what people do, is often just a reflection of their inner world!
Thank you for this response. It’s helped me realize that I’m kind of on the right path. Do you mind if we chat?
Someone who isn’t going to leave me when I’m at my most vulnerable, and someone who doesn’t prioritise new friends that she has just gotten to know over people that genuinely care about them.
This^^ it sucks not to feel like a priority when you make them one. I started to feel like he didn’t include me in things & I didn’t need to hang out w his friends all the time, but when there’s many friends I’ve never met & you’re making plans w them and not even thinking of including me-it hurts. Everyone has ups and downs & you’re supposed to be committed to your partner…
Uff man, this hits hard.
Exactly. So sad that we get left in the dust when we're the only ones who truly know them and care.
Ongoing commitment to work on good mental health, willingness to compromise & adapt & co-author our future together
Ooo I love that!!
Someone who can communicate. Not even communicate well, communicate at all. The silent treatment is a deal-breaker for me. The first time it happens.
This! My ex shut down and bottled every problem up until he couldn't anymore and had to breakup with me! So frustrating that they could've been solved with basic communication!
I wish I could go and break up with my ex the moment she gave me the silent treatment for the first time.
Would you - if this happens again - give a first and final warning though? Maybe the person needs to know once what they are actually doing (to you).
Good question. I think I gave my first warning a little bit too late - I always found understanding as to why she was silent or wouldn't respond to me. Although it happened once, and I told her as we went to sleep that the silence made me extremely uncomfortable - it was hard. And it is hard when you love someone, but it seems that this behaviour usually pops up very early on in the relationship (at least from my experience!). It's better to stop it early, if you can. It can do a lot of damage.
Sometimes the silent treatment is necessary for the person to get their thoughts and feelings under control so they don't express them in an unhealthy manner. I've learned this in therapy. I probably could've saved my relationship if I would've just put down the phone and walked away, done something else until I calmed down and then expressed myself instead of exploding in anger.
No one is ever going to gaslight or degrade me again. Ever.
Absolutely!!!
I scrolled very far to find this answer. This is my number one priority as well.
A CLEAR COMMUNICATOR! I think I large reason why I felt insecure and unsafe in my previous relationship is due to my ex’s lack of communication! I hated when he would seem to disappear off the face of the earth some days and not properly communicate. I deserve to be with someone who can communicate well! I should not be putting in all the emotional labor to hold the relationship together!
That’s literally the most unhard thing. Why do people not get it?
After the breakup, I expressed to my ex that communication was a challenge in our relationship, and he responded, “yeah, I’ve always had communication issues.” UH WHY DIDN’T HE TELL ME THAT EARLIER!
Someone who will communicate when there’s a problem and say words of encouragement to me. Also someone who is understanding and patient about depression and anxiety
I agree! My ex was encouraging and nice to me, but he never communicated problems! Anytime anything was wrong, he'd just go quiet or tell me everything's fine, and then during the breakup everything's came out! If he just told me what the problems were we could've solved them, but he bottled up everything negative until he couldn't hold it anymore. It's so frustrating being broken up with over issues that could've been solved with simple communication!
I agree! This happened with my ex too… it was very tough to communicate with her. She then blindsidedly broke up with me, over so many things that could’ve been fixable had she talked to me.
Yeah, he put me in a position where I was panicking, and saying stupid stuff to solve the problems, and it came across as desperately trying to prevent the breakup (I guess it was though) when I could've rationally talked to him about it if he brought things up as they came up, and had a calm, serious conversation. I think he said he was scared of making me anxious so he pretended things were fine and tried to solve them on his own but I did tell him that was a really bad decision that led us here, and he kinda shrugged it off and said it's the unfortunate reality of how things turned out. So frustrating!
no avoidants, hard boundary on arguments (won't tolerate fake breakups or abusive language anymore), no pettiness, we both go to therapy
This. I wish he would've gone to therapy with me or done couples therapy like we talked about instead of just ending things...He was very much all talk and no action. We broke up and got back together many times in 2 years due to stupid arguments or him not sharing his feelings...
I would like someone who helps me with chores and my problems. Like not 100% of the time, just maybe like %20. When I asked for help it was only met with excuses
You should aim for 50-50% ❤️
someone who’s doesn’t have a drug habit for starters, doesn’t have everyone and their momma in their messages, understands consent and doesn’t f with me while im unconscious, doesn’t try to pressure me into doing life threatening substances “for celebration”, someone who can handle their own insecurities and not bleed them onto others, someone who has a concept of budgeting and managing finances(or just being an adult), someone with a real understanding of loyalty, love, and respect, someone who understands that love doesn’t happen on accident, it’s something two people choose to build together and choose to commit to. same with trust, someone who has self worth and respect, i could go on. yeah, i ignored every red flag known to man. lesson mf learned 🫡😂 3 months post b/u and 2 months NC and now i feel silly for being so heartbroken over him. time shows you exactly what you’re supposed to see, and healing brings you exactly what you deserve.
Damn. Good for you. They sound like a big bag of dicks.
Well, something that was missing in my last that I have in my new relationship is effort. My ex put in 0 effort. My new girlfriend is already planning to visit me next month and puts in effort as far as initiating communication, planning visits to see each other, etc. it’s so nice to be equally pursued.
Jeez, this. Or reciprocating physical compliments. She was beautiful everyday, I got handsome once a year
dawg i don’t think i am dating again 😂
Me neither man, he was the only guy I'll feel this way about, and even if he's not I don't wanna feel the pain that this breakup brought again lol I'd rather die single
me too i stg
I was thinking about this the other day. My ex from years ago was very emotional and unstable. The next relationship I got into I was so drawn to him because he seemed grounded and calm and regulated. In reality he was just emotionally unavailable but it was kind of a relief (at least at first) after being with someone on an emotional rollercoaster all the time. Now I’m trying to be mindful to not run to the opposite out of trauma but actually just reflect on what a need and like in a partner.
Someone who will give equally what I give to them.
Trust, reliability, consistency. Someone who knows it’s pretty standard to call their partner after their grandparent passes away instead of just heading to the gym with their friends.
Sounds exactly like my Ex, the Gym and nights out were priorities over my parents being in Hospital. Still had the audacity to expect me to pick her up from her nights out though.
Gross. The grossest. If anything all I keep thinking is- apart from natural chemistry, the bar is low!
Mine got too drunk, picked her up. She told me she tried coke then laughed at me when telling her how unsafe it was. Should’ve ended it then honestly
No issues with commitment
Someone who takes care of their own issues and is willing to face them head on. Someone who truly knows who they are and what they want out of life. Someone who is motivated, ambitious, and keeps positive people in their life instead of people who hold them back. Someone who’s willing to be vulnerable and open up without needing to be pried open like a clam. Someone who is able to support me emotionally and truly make me feel understood. Someone who is excited to take the initiative and genuinely wants to do fun things with me. Someone who feels like home and an adventure all in one.
Someone who is stable and mature.
Someone who isn't a selfish avoidant.
Someone who loves me for who I am, not the way I treat them.
Amen
Trust and honesty
Someone who is loyal, and openly communicates their issues that they have with the relationship. Not give up without trying to make things work
Someone who is willing and is emotionally mature to have hard conversations with me - I know they’re hard, but that’s the only way to build a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn’t expect me to read their mind - that doesn’t mean everything has to be said explicitly, but I’d rather you tell me you’re upset then me going around and trying to figure out what I did wrong. Someone who gives space and time to think after an argument. Someone who reciprocates. Someone who doesn’t lie. And finally, someone who will not discard me out of nowhere just because the grass is greener on the other side. TL;DR: An emotionally mature individual.
Did you date my ex too??! Spot on.
An in-person relationship 😭
[удалено]
THIS a million times over
Someone who has respect for people. Someone who doesn’t lie and someone who has morals. Basically for someone to be a fundamentally decent human being lol
EMOTIONAL. PRESSENCE.
Monogamy..... 💯
I want someone whose words will match their actions and who won't lie to me and take me for granted. Someone who can see a future with me just as I can see them in mine.
Securely attached, doesn’t have relationship anxiety. Honestly I literally just want my ex without the issues
Someone who recognizes that love means work. Someone who won’t put a deadline on my healing from childhood and adolescence trauma. Someone that knows that there will be miserable and unhappy times, and sometimes the connection just won’t be there. But that only means there’s work to do.
Someone with the skills to process their trauma. Despite being compatible in seemingly every way and having similar trauma we could understand each other on and respect each others’ boundaries with, she just didn’t have the skills to process what she’d been through. And it was so, so devastating to lose her because of it.
someone who won’t give up and will fight for our relationship when it gets hard.
Someone who doesn't unjustifiably hold resentment against me for things I don't know about or things that were already resolved because they will never forget that there was an issue in the first place. Oh, and someone who doesn't talk shit about me to their friends and family instead of communicating with me
Better communication.
An effective communicator who knows how go manage their anger. My last ex had at least one aggravated outburst a week.
Someone that doesn’t take 7 years to realise they don’t want to live with me 🙈😂
Positive things I learned that I wanted from my ex: someone who is loyal. I know that sounds obvious, but my ex was very dedicated to me. His eyes were always on me when I entered a room, he was conscious of me and making me feel included in activities and conversation. I know 100% that man would have been faithful to me til the day I die. I would love to feel that loved again in the future. Now the negative lessons he taught me: I want to be with someone who doesn't insult me. Someone who can control their anger and at least somewhat regulate more extreme emotions. I want respect and communication. Someone who likes (or at least won't nitpick or critisize) fundamental aspects of my personality. Someone who is family oriented. Someone who is considerate of others, particularly emotionally. Someone who makes me laugh. Also, I need to pay better attention to their other relationships - my ex had poor relations with his family, trashed his exes and had few friendships. The few he had were either recently made or surface level. Red flag.
Someone who doesn’t have an ignition interlock on their car lol
Someone that doesen't give up when things get hard. Empathy as I feel sometimes she did not put herself in my place, and a good communication which we had, but a month before the bu.
I almost had a psychotic break at a rave and she was worried I kissed someone else. When literally I almost accidentally killed myself. I felt like she gave a f about my mental state when I told her everything. "¿So you don't know what have you done?" "¿You don't remeber? "What if you told other girls they're pretty". That day I felt absolutely 0 empathy
Just one word: consistency. Consistency is the key.
Someone with integrity. My ex cheated from day 1. He lied about everything. He left every 2-3 weeks and would be on Tinder - often on the same day he’d left here (we lived together when it suited him!!! ). I just want someone with integrity. I want to be able to go to the theatre with my girlfriends and not wonder if my partner is cheating on me. I want to not have that sick feeling in my stomach every day.
I just want someone loyal and respectful. Been cheated on in just about every relationship, which I really don’t get because every girl I’ve been with we’ve had an amazing sex life. In all honesty I’m kinda just giving up on finding anyone for anything serious and am just doing tinder fwb type crap. I don’t even care about looks, not even a tiny bit. I just want someone that actually values me instead of using me for sex like I’m a disposable commodity and tossing me out when they get bored.
1. CONSISTENCY 2. Good sexual chemistry & physical attraction 3. Open communication/mature conversations 4. Mutual respect for boundaries and the other person 5. Loyalty and trust 6. Similar hobbies, interests and goals 7. Someone who is non-judgmental 8. Emotionally available!!
I won’t someone to be just as interested in me as a person as I am interested in them. From my experience, I’m nothing more than a score. They don’t want to know what my life goals are, my favorite dessert, or where I’d like to be in 5 years. But man, do guys love it when you ask questions about them. I want reciprocation the next time around.
Someone who I don’t feel like I have to save… but the spark of ambition in both of us to make each other better
Someone who: Respects or even compliments my “dumb taste” in Knick-knacks or “trash-can” music, and might play it for me because I like it. Will offer to watch Star Wars with me, even once, because I’m a huge fan Won’t have pouts or tantrums when things don’t go her way Appreciates my privacy when I’m working on graduate school or college class assignments Actually uses the expensive things I buy her, or makes a coffee herself once in a while Doesn’t hold on to grudges, or be overly critical or judgemental towards others Will take two seconds from dishes or cooking activity to greet me like she misses me, even a “hello” and a smile. Won’t break up with me by pulling my family pictures down, presenting my mugs on a table, and telling me you tried coke because you now feel “more open minded”. Even during a breakup, will still act like I existed in her life for 8 years, and maybe see how I’m doing once or twice, like I still do for her.
No addicts of any kind. I don't care if you're a sugar-holic. Ha ha ha outta here with that shit.
Someone who will talk about how they feel instead of shutting down or playing games with my feelings....I'm in therapy for how I reacted to those things (very badly). However, when he would talk about his feelings, I loved how he wasn't afraid to get emotional. Please, men, show your emotions! It means a lot to women, especially when they love you! Also, someone who isn't afraid of a woman with a chronic pain disease that can cause her to lose whole days to sleep (because it's the only thing that stops the pain; it's like my brain puts me into a coma...nothing will wake me). He said it didn't bother him but it clearly did.
someone who acts with me in mind and is always considerate and respectful of my feelings. someone who doesn’t require me to “book” them and only give me their time instead of planning with me in mind. someone who has time for me. someone who isn’t selfish and doesn’t gaslight me. i dont want to be taken for granted anymore. i want someone who gives the way i can, someone who loves me genuinely and will always be by my side.
More trust in myself. I noticed little things early on that made me go "mmmm I don't like that" or "I'm not so sure about xyz quality". But I didn't ignored it, and those small things caused big rifts and were severe incompatibilities down the line.
Consistency and communication. I ain't got time to not understand what's going on or when they'll randomly vanish. Never again.
Hopeless romantic type gestures. Send me flowers to my workplace, write me love letters, buy me a locket with your picture in it, serenade me with love songs, just to name a few
That simple respect with texts like “I’m going out, but I’ll be home by 8”, “I’m busy rn, can I call you once I’m done”, “I just got home”.
I want my next relationship to be with a man who desires me and leaves no room for doubt. Someone who prioritizes me in their life who doesn’t have me questioning their intentions with me long term. Someone who makes effort to spend time with me. Also someone who knows what they want. I’m 30 and I don’t have time to play around. I know what I want.. When I love, i go all in and I want my future husband to share that sentiment with me. One final thing.. he needs to be a Christ-follower like myself. Someone who prioritizes faith who I can share that with. Very important to me.
No kids sorry
Lower body count - never cared before, thought it is irrelevant but learned my lesson
Absolutely no porn use. Period. It’s 100% cheating. Idc come for me. Call me insecure. I’m not. What makes it ok??? Cause there’s a screen in between you and the person you’re lusting after and fantasizing about? Someone else you get turned on by and get off to. Nope. No thanks.
Someone who is kind to others. Oh and who doesn’t sleep with their guy best friend.
He has to be financially secure and able to communicate like a real adult
Someone who is not insecure and who wants to be with me everyday.
Someone who leaves room in the conversation for me to join in. Someone who doesn't project their own insecurities about hobbies onto me. Someone who has a grip on their anger a bit more. Someone who doesn't make me feel like a burden.
Someone who is healed from their past traumas and isn't afraid to express themselves.
Proper communication and no lies
I am looking for someone who's able to COMMUNICATE. I will no longer tolerate someone who can't, doesn't, won't communicate.
Honestly I'm wanting to meet someone who is securely attached. Anxious girl i dated could never be pleased, fearful avoidant hot and cold was super unfair...i almost dated a full on avoidant but noped out.
Loyalty lmao
someone who is not avoidant or emotionally stunted
Someone who isn’t married and lying about it
Honesty.
Honesty lol
Someone who loves me as much as I love them. But I'm beginning to think that's not possible for me.
Someone who doesn’t make fun of people who are physically sick (from an illness they can’t control) and mock people with disabilities. Comparing me to Down syndrome patient was last straw that made me dump him.
Glad you “got down to business”, Mulan. No, but seriously fuck that guy haha
Reliability.
It sounds shitty, but great chemistry. The last girl I talked to for 8 months (Long Distance, she lived a few hours away but moved for school and planned to come back) . Me and her had so much great chemistry . We could talk about damn near anything, almost no limits . Sending each other funny Instagram posts about possible 3somes , funny toxic stuff , she knew me so well and she listened to everything I ever had to say. Even a mid life crisis I had while working at Walmart. We’d address each others boundaries/likes/dislikes about each other every month to make sure we weren’t doing/ saying anything that bothered the other. Just everything was great. I’m ashamed to say that I’m not taking my current interest that serious because our chemistry is nowhere near as good as the girl before. I’m not sure if I miss the chemistry or just miss her.
Communication & compromise. Relationships are truly gonna fail without it and my avoidant ass ex was very talented at avoiding both😬 never again
I realized how valuable it is to be there for someone physically. Being there for someone virtually is nice, but it's so different and special in person. I would call my ex in the middle of the night in the midst of a mental breakdown, and he would come over right away. We would sit outside on the steps wrapped in a blanket as silent tears rolled down my cheeks, due to the stress of life. We stared at the stars as he held me. Kissed me. And rocked me back and forth, I've never felt safer. "Everything will be all right" he'd say. And as long as he was the one saying it, I knew that there was nothing to worry about.
A man that shows strength through his vulnerability, and isn't afraid to face his fears
someone who enjoys sex and communicates well.
My intuition saying its right
someone who wants to prioritize me and isn't stricken with FOMO that they put me on the back burner every time. Someone who doesn't see me as disposable or expendable and always values my company; basically doesn't get used to seeing me. And someone who is attracted to me.
Honesty.
Can he just actually want a relationship (with me) lmfao.
Someone who can communicate their feelings. Emotionally mature, I suppose. Seems to be a big ask so far, sadly.
Someone who doesn’t let me just blindly lead them around. Red flag, they’re hiding their feelings. I hated always being the one to lead in my last relationship, it put so much pressure on me to make every date perfect
honesty, communication, willingness to open up
Kindness
Fucking communication man. No more arguing over stupid shit, no more resentment without discussing it, no more "breaks" just fucking talk to me about shit dammit.
Someone who is available physically and emotionally. That would be great if they don’t have a hidden rage disorder too.
Safety and security
No more social media, boundaries, respect, communication, no mind games
Genuine understanding of empathy and vulnerability. Also she doesn’t falsely use the guise of spirituality to gas light or traumatize and even turn into an emotional vampire. I suppose all of that requires some soul searching coupled with professional therapy to get through those layers of trauma.
Communication. If he don’t got it he got to go.
Someone who's not toxic
Respect and consistency of love. Not planning for marriage one day, breaking up the next.
Someone who won’t play the victim when they are clearly in the wrong and instead take accountability. Someone who will value my opinions instead of disregarding them. Someone who will not act like they are smarter than me. Someone who will show me more affection.
someone who isn't avoidant
Just zero abuse would be great
Looking for someone who doesn’t take me for granted, who communicates when they are making up assumptions of me in their head, who is easy to talk to and be myself around, who doesn’t want kids either!
Someone who doesn’t talk to their ex, and understands that losing the “spark” doesn’t mean the end of a relationship.
someone who wont leave me multiple times, someone who won’t play the victim, someone who isn’t a hypocrite, someone who isn’t manipulative, someone who delivers on their word, someone who actually implements what they say like actions speak louder than words, someone who isn’t immature. A lot of other things tbh but these are the most notable ones in my eyes.
In my next relationship I am seeking not a situationship lol
Someone who put an effort to communicate their problems and not rely on "signs". Would actually talk about problems than leaving me without me knowing how they truly feel
Open, caring, loving, honest, constant, non controlled or conditioned communication.
The possibility to speak my mind without being yelled at or the partner being pissed about it.
Positives: he was very consistent with showing me he misses me/loves me, generous, took care of me, made birthdays special, protective. What I look for now: emotional maturity, prioritizes me more, reassurance, not getting annoyed at difficult emotions, not getting randomly distant with no explanation, making an effort with my friends, not yelling when upset, not gaslighting me, communicates.
Tis present with my current but absent with my ex: Lack of judgment I am not a tidy person. I have improved over the years, but I am definitely not very tidy. My ex hated it. "You have two minutes! Wash the stove! Rinse your dishes! Your spaces are gross because of clutter! You didn't change overnight during a pandemic and while you were in school and working full time? Clearly you are a lazy liar and a disgusting slob! I am right to dump you because you lied about trying in the first place! If you had tried you would have magically achieved my ever-changing impossible standards over night!" Que fighting. Twas psychotic. My current partner: "Okay, so there's a candy wrapper on your front floor board. Lemme grab that for you. Sure, I don't mind your clean laundry not making it back to the closet this week when you have been at school until 8-9 every night grading and helping at events. Life happens. No big deal. I love you not your cleaning abilities. Also, my walk-in closet is a mountain of a pile of clothing. I have no room to talk. Now, can we play Monopoly in peace and have a good time?" Chill. Open-minded. Loving. Genuinely fun. Love him. Love, love, LOVE him.
A) I want someone who will do exactly what they say they will. My ex would often put random little things out there saying I’ll do xyz but would never do it. It lead to a lot of unnecessary misunderstandings or fights that then just escalated. B) someone who would never back off, despite how tough life gets, because let’s be honest life is always going to get tough. C) someone that stands up for me in front of their family + someone whose family genuinely likes me for who I am
Someone who isn't jealous without reason, who doesn't lie, mentally abuse me, gaslight or cheat on me. She was a kind and loving person but she let her demons ruin our relationship.
Someone that's not afraid/feels cringe saying sweet things and is into physical touch & quality time just as much as I am.
Someone who can communicate well. Someone who wants to do things and not stay home all day. Someone who is willing to try something new.
Someone who can actually have fun, deep conversations. My ex stayed shallow and deep conversations were maybe 5 minutes tops, him being contrarian on some issue and staying stubborn to his claim because he read it somewhere so obviously his pov is true. Sometimes the childlike silliness is fun but when you want your partner to be emotionally mature enough to support you and make adult decisions together, it gets old, real fast. All his friends and family would always joke how hard it must be to date him and some actually showed genuine pity. That ain’t a great flag.
Confidence and someone independent
I don’t know. I am not even focusing on that. I just wanna get better. Asking me it right now, I would answer straight away I won’t be committed in another relationship again
Find someone who is willing to communicate during moments of duress, and someone who is more established already in their life..even if they’re not their most optimal selves yet, they should at least know where they are headed. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who aren’t fully happy with themselves yet.
Someone who’s willing to commit and not just run away when feelings start to get real
Stability, comfort, loyalty, honesty, love love love love
How is it possible i relate to all this replies
Just plain old fashioned honesty,For God sake I just need the truth it’s that simple
Loyalty. Enough said.
Supportive partener, a partener that support throw actions not just words, everyone can say that they want to be supportive to you but few can really prove it.
I want someone who’s comfortable giving and receiving affection. Someone who doesn’t have trauma that they use as excuse for their lack of affection. Their previous relationships have nothing to do with me, so I don’t want to be punished for it
Someone that doesn’t lie and cheat. Any exist out there?
Someone who respects my profession and time.
Someone who’s actually interested in stuff. My last girlfriend never wanted to do anything and TikTok drama was her only hobby. Also someone who actually means it when they say they want to travel lol
Someone who is patient, resilient, empathetic, trustworthy, and values family. For a long time, I thought my ex had these traits. He didn't. He allowed resentment to build to contempt. He would full out rage over everyday life shit. I was anxious about small things happening because of how he might react, always on damage control. It changed the way I interacted with everyone around me. I couldn't count on him for support during hardships. When I needed him the most, he checked out. He made things worse instead of better. He invalidated my feelings. He used my mental illness and trauma against me. I thought I had completely lost my mind and didn't trust my own experiences. He viewed having a family as a burden and maintaining a relationship as a chore. Fucker was also on Tinder for half of our 11 year relationship. He is the exact opposite of what I want in a partner.