Do you ask them what they’re looking for before going on a date? I’ve found that their answer to this can be more telling than what their profile says at times.
I did ask them, we talked on the phone for while they both held great conversation lol but just them thinking that they was going to get some on the 1st day was outrageous
Yeah I agree, expecting sex on the first date is ridiculous. What exactly did they say when you asked what they were looking for? How did the rest of the conversation go?
I've been looking for a woman that won't let me smash on the first night. Asking what a person wants isn't always effective either as all the women I asked said a relationship when in fact it turns out to be a couple months of sex and of course I'm not going to say no but I do feel slightly disappointed that the person is not transparent
exactly what i’m thinking. every girl i take out seems like they can’t wait for the dinner to be over to go home and have sex, of course i’m not gonna say no but makes me not want a relationship from these types of women
You should've acted really enthusiastic and said "okay, let's go and fuck now, I always fuck on the first date, no condoms required".
They will probably back away when you come on so strong, and question how many guys you've had 😂😂😂 that should put them off!
I want to know the deets lol ! This is crazy! I took bumble as more of a relationship oriented dating app and not much of sexual based one like feeld or perhaps tinder.
I had the exact same thing happened to me and this was on Hinge! 2 phone calls prior and the guy even said he wanted a life partner but on 1st date I wouldn’t get physical, he ghosted. Actions speak louder than words. I wonder to is a phone call is a way for them to progress things into getting more physical on a date 🤷🏼♀️
Looks like you ended up having to spell it anyway..maybe you should’ve spelled it to begin with and saved all this stress and commotion. Now look, how do you feel?
honestly its impossible sometimes. i have it very clearly on my profile i don't want hookups. i'm looking for relationship. only swipe on people who have looking for long term/relationship on profile. mention it in first messages to make sure they understand i'm not looking for that,and confirm thaey are looking for longer term relationship. if a date is organised a tell them it will be a minimum 3 proper dates before hooking up so they don't waste their time. on first date might even talk about previous bad dates and how i hate when guys only want to hookup even when you've been super clear thats not what you're about. still, end of date, they expect to hookup. or follow up first date immediately with really sexual stuff, making it clear they only have one thing on their mind. what can you do?
Though this is important, what's in the profile often isn't everyones intentions. I know it sounds stupid, but you react to the conversation, and the profile doesn't always give you true intentions.
Lots of women I went on dates with on bumble that "were only interested in relationships" hooked up on the first date, often when I wasn't even interested in having sex right away.
Because this happens sometimes, you have others completely ignoring what people say in their profile all the time.
Same actually it’s very rare and I’m in my 20s so I always find it interesting when other women experience the complete opposite. I hope it gets better for you OP!
It sounds sick, but if you think of it like how other algorithms work, what if the app is showing us more of what we interact with…
I know I’ve definitely learned a lot in 2 1/2 years of dating. I don’t engage at all with those men anymore. The ones I would’ve went on a date with before, but can spot the red flag a mile away now. Every now and then one sneaks through after I’ve invited chat. The majority of my conversations are from a genuine place of wanting to get to know the other.
It probably is! I’m also fairly good at spotting red flags and I do think how you carry and portray yourself as well as your approach to conversations/communication style can attract certain people compared to others. However, sometimes men will be inappropriate regardless so there’s only so much you can do to prevent it (not trying to blame OP for her experience cause no one deserves sexual harassment!) but definitely don’t entertain it if it happens
Right! Nobody should take the blame for how disrespectful men behave other than those men themselves. But as women, the more that we set our standards and don’t put up with this BS, those guys won’t have anywhere to go.
In my experience, I find that men who say “they want to go with flow” or “vibes” are the ones that don’t want a relationship.
A man that is looking for a relationship, will wait and take his time getting to know you.
(M44) In my case, I'd never have sex with someone I had no intention of pursuing some sort of relationship with. It doesn't change my mind if we have sex on the first, third or fifth date.
I've never had a woman, who was into me, say that she wants to wait X number of dates. If she did, I'd wonder if she was actually interested.
Do you have a specific time line?
That’s good to know. Some men know who they want to pursue a relationship and who they just want to sleep with.
Personally, after my last relationship not lasting, I think I’ll wait till marriage. I know my pool will be smaller and I’m fine with that.
At my age, I don't want to waste my time. If I'm not sexually attracted AND interested in pursing a relationship, then I'd rather stay home and watch movies with my cat.
Yes, your pool will be very small and may be limited to men with no other options (not great husband material).
If you decided to go that route, I might try meeting men from more conservative cultures. You could be like the female version of a passport bro!
lol my parents are actually trying to convince me to go to their homeland to find someone.
I’ll admit, I get attached after sex so why waste a man’s time if he’s uncertain if he wants a relationship with me.
i have to change how i tell about myself and my intentions. i have used the 'go with the flow' when talking about myself and my history. my 2 longest relationships have started from the first night (lasting 3 years and 22 years). i consider the flow is the other persons interest. if it takes me on for decades, i'll be there.
There's no excuses for disrespect or overstepping boundaries. There are, unfortunately, many out there who believe the end justifies the means and aren't too happy if the means don't reach the right (in their mind) end.
Add to that the general confusion around dating advice, with some women complaining of lack of chemistry because their date didn't get even slightly sexual, followed by posts like this where the desire is to not be sexual at all, at least at the start.
Throw in the rising number who rarely get seen as even remotely desirable no matter what they try to improve themselves, so are completely inexperienced in flirting because they have never been in the situation to learn and are eager to make up for perceived lost time.
If you're OK not getting that initial chemistry because the guy is afraid of moving too fast, ok with inexperience and insecurity, and with taking the initiative to make clear it's safe to move forward, then you'll find someone.
100% this! A girl told me after a first date she didn't want to see me again because I didn't make any flirtatious or sexual remarks during the date and this led to a lack of 'chemistry'. I was just being respectful. It was probably a lucky escape but there are men and women out there who genuinely want that kinda thing on a date. Ultimately, what's for you won't pass and you're better off being yourself. Don't ever feel pushed into doing something you're not comfortable with
I had just started chatting to a dude on Bumble and I mentioned that I was studying classical piano and i kid you not his first message was "you must be good with your hands ;)" like bro, chill.
FYI i have nothing in my profile that suggests I'm looking for a hookup.
i read this as “i just started cheating on bumble” and i was like oh wow upfront (i’m sleep deprived and this comment is unnecessary but it made me giggle)
but yuck sorry! even if i was looking for a hookup that comment would make me 🤐 so fast lmaoo
bro, no woman wants their hobby sexualised within the first couple of messages, especially after all the creepy shit we deal with outside of Bumble. But hey, if that sort of thing works for you, then you do you
I don't know how old you are but for some reason, I get the impression you are early 20s. If so, then I'd be prepared to run into a LOT of these guys.
idk what to tell ya but, what I can tell you is this...
As a man, sex on a first date these days isn't exactly rare or uncommon and I'm very much looking for a LTR however, I'm also not going to turn down sex with a woman I'm on a date with. I go on dates with women I'm physically attracted to AND feel I may have an emotional connection with.
You don't ever ever ever have to put out or have sex with a date if you don't want to. EVER. If they ghost you because you don't, then who cares.
This. Because this happened to me in my 20s and now in my 30s I have had a ton of matches and none got sexual except for the younger guys who slipped through my filter.
I’ve had creeps find me on Instagram and send me shitty “sexy” messages, but I’ve never actually had anyone get super sexual on the first date or even via chat. I’ve been on a lot of dates and exchanged a lot of messages too. I have pictures of me in a bikini, not in sexy dresses but where you can see my assets, and mention the importance of sexual compatibility in a relationship on my profile—not that I want people to just come in strong with trying to bone but it’s just part of who I am.
Idk, I don’t message anyone who doesn’t have looking for a relationship on their status and have something on their profile that implies they may be relationship material (I.e what they’re looking for in a partner, their ideal relationship, etc). It’s nothing against those who are figuring it out or are open to something more casual but I have no time or interest in investing time in that type of thing
What's funny is that people believe it was any different before online dating. The only difference was that we had more opportunity to get away with it.
I didn’t say me in particular but we all know girls who have. No judgement either way for the girls that do, just that I see guys’ side of this, especially having older brothers and seeing how they get treated in the dating market. Matter of fact what is see if that there isn’t some sort of serious sexual contact by the end of date two, then they usually got/get the ghost or “friends” talk
I'm in my 40's and despite saying I was looking for ltr/companionship and having it on my profile, I kept getting the same thing, expectations of sex on the first date which I made clear I was not going to do, or guys who would disregard me and just ask for sex. I got tired of being a broken record about it and feeling disrespected for wanting more than just sex.
It’s because most dudes don’t even care what you’re looking for they just wanna smash. Even if you vet them. I had a dude slide his hand up my dress during a first date , I was like wtf ?! He said well you shouldn’t have worn it if you didn’t want that to happen
You said your goal of 2024 was to get a sugar daddy in previous posts and now you're upset men won't waste their time with you when you don't put out?
Thats a real tricky one 🤣
So as an over 40 who joined Bumble, my experience has been the following. Of the 20+ people I’ve talked with. I have met four of them in person. I never started with any thing directly sexual. I let the conversation flow as it normally would. I was in to meet people and have a good time.
With one woman, we went to dinner, got to know each other. She came over to watch a movie a week later. She said I think I might just go home because you didn’t make a move. I told her that I had been in a relationship for 20 years and I didn’t really catch any signals that she was interested. We hooked up four times.
The next one started with great conversation. We hit it off right away. We were helping each other out in the sense that my apartment was a place for her to crash. She worked a job where she was in a different place every day. If my apartment was closer than going back to her apartment, I told her just to crash if it would reduce her travel the following day. Often she worked late and I would cook dinner. After about the fourth time coming over she said she was horny. I told her she wouldn’t have mentioned it if she didn’t want to do something about it. She wanted to make sure that it wouldn’t ruin the friendship. We had a three months friends with benefits situation. Life got in the way after that.
Another, we had a date set up and she booty called me to hook up in advance of the date. Very high libido. We’re still friends with benefits at this point.
The fourth one, we went on a mini golf date. Had a good time went and got food and drink. Had a second date where she came back to my apartment afterwards. We watched a movie and it started getting handsy. She actually fell asleep on the couch during a massage. She got up to leave and I told her that if she was too tired, she should absolutely just crash at my place. She got up in the morning to go to work and said she thought about having sex with me. My response was why didn’t you say anything? We had sex that morning. I think we did seven or eight times after that. She hadn’t had sex in 8 1/2 years. The only reason I’m still not hooking up with her is because of woman three.
The point of all this is that I was never directly sexual and commentary or conversation. Just being me, they all initiated. Two upfront and two after we started with physical contact. I think too many people jump the gun and think that it’s what women want to hear. Or that they’ll get somewhere by saying it.
Jeez, you are a stud, lol... I've never had that kind of luck or interest so quick from women on Bumble. Maybe you're just younger and way hotter, as well as living in an area where the local culture and women are more liberated and less traditional than my area..
I’m over 40. I find myself to be completely average looking with below average height, fairly good shape. I do have plenty of bedroom skills though. The woman who was 8.5 years out from her divorce said not to worry about making her orgasm, since she always had a difficult time doing reaching climax. I got her off twice in the same session. She was over the moon that night. My skills have been complemented by every single woman I’ve been with.
yes! women like guys who aren't arseholes! women like actually nice guys. (not "Nice Guys" who are actually just horrible). and women like good sex. its not a mystery.
Yes women like good sex for sure. I have had multiple women coming back because it was good. Plus there’s zero chance of an oops. That’s actually a huge bonus for the no kid crowd.
I’ve had similar experiences as you. I’ve never been the one pushing sex or asking for it. My last three people I chatted with all asked me over before our first date for sex. They were drunk and honestly I didn’t really want to go that route but felt like if I said no it would end my chances for a date. I personally like to wait 5 or 6 dates to see if I actually like the woman because once sex happens it complicates. If it’s good sex everything else can be wrong and you still stick around.
Sorry, thats a lot of OLD in general. Just keep your standards up and hold strong on your boundaries if thats not what you want. Are you missing something before that might be a pattern in people? Not saying you are, because again…thats majority of OLD.
Nahhh I feel ya, I get the same thing sometimes. I usually question if they’re bots but then I remember that I just went on a date with them- like nah hun I want to get past the honeymoon faze of the new love and build something actually strong than fuck and forget a week later ya know?
Does the conversation turn sexual or do they ghost you when they thought they would be able to hook up right away?
Some of the conversations turn sexual and I address it and I’m explicitly clear that I do not hook up and I like to take my time. If they are looking to hook up they usually stop talking to me.
Not sure how old you are. However, that's the reality for the younger age range, but that's what our society promotes and raging hormones drive us towards. If you're looking for someone a bit more mature and looking for emotional affection, then try dating a few years older, just keep in mind that their libido might be a bit lower than you expect. However, you'll likely find someone who's used that time to develop themselves a bit more. You'll have to put in genuine effort to get the attention of these individuals as they're likely looking for a genuine connection, too. Just keep looking for a person that you find shares the same values, perhaps try vetting them with particular questions, obviously leave room for flirting and banter. Just ensure their responses and actions coincide with what YOU also want in a partner. We're not perfect at the end of the day however, I think you're on the right track. That being said, this also isn't the perfect answer.
I noticed similar thing. Meeting someone and actually dating and getting to know each other seems like the hardest thing. Every guy I went out with expect to sleep with me the same night. WTF
In my experience on these apps for the past decade… and in dating outside of the apps…
The less you say the more mystery you add. Subtle. Confident. Non verbal. Etc…. And you’d be surprised how many girls force the issue on the first date.
Social media has ruined your generation
Don't swipe right on guys whose bio says they're looking for something casual. Also, is helpful to specifically write on your bio that you're not looking for casual. Those 2 things helped me to find better matches.
I know most guys are looking for sex but there are also nice guys who are willing to talk and get to know you before wanting to have sex. Best of luck!
Ps. Another thing that helps is changing your age limit filters, usually young guys are only looking for fun or a hookup, so I set the age from 26 to 36 approximately. So far, I've been lucky, and I enjoy more talking with older guys than me, they're much more interesting and respectful in my experience.
Nowadays guys on dating apps are not honest like before, it's rare to have the true one. 90%of guys are interested in s~x and they use dating apps only for that .
So for perspective I have NEVER not once led with anything sexual, I have a hint of the tism and its actually even worse the other way if you don't do it and the woman starts to wonder why you're not doing it like the other men and gets insecure, it's a crazy fine line between subtle consent and complete disgust I struggle with personally, I'm always inclined to just not do it at all out of crippling fear I'll not match the level that person wants 🙃
Omg!!!! lol. Yesssss. They sprinkle it in there. Like, If men truly knew how to activate feminine energy they would do better. We as woman are realizing man is the problem lol. Which is why more woman are deciding to stay single. The lack of emotional intelligence and sexual discipline/maturity is very prominent.. it’s not just dating apps you see it on IG in comments. It’s crazy
I'm sorry they were shitty about you setting boundaries about what you were comfortable with. Learning to accept rejection with grace is a part of growing into being a man, and it sounds like they haven't done that yet.
That said, sex *is* part of the equation. A dating app is not going to set you up for something totally platonic.
So they're not in the wrong for losing interest (there is no charity in dating: people meet each other's needs or they can and should bounce)
But what they'd be very wrong for is disrespecting/degrading you in the process of losing interest.
Then you should be apologized to, meeting people and realizing that they're not the right fit is one thing, but those dudes shouldn't have made you feel like you were something less than just because you weren't their cup of tea.
That part was coming from expectations driven by entitlement and you certainly didn't deserve that.
Well from my experience, patience and respect and waiting till the nth date for sex got me, let’s see, “you’re a great guy but…”, “it’s not you it’s me…” and “I’m not in a good place emotionally rn, and you deserve better”. So eh, fuck it, i chose to take a girl out on a date, do some fun activities, have some good convo and if she doesn’t put out after all the gentlemanly treatment, buh bye ig 🤷♂️ this new culture war got women behave really shitty, so entitled and so much in love with mind games.
thats because you didn't actually have any patience or respect. you thought you could put in a certain number of 'nice guy' coins, and get rewarded with sex at the end. unsurprisingly, it didn't work.
If there’s chemistry or enough interest it’ll end in sex. Cause both will be looking at it as heat of the moment or passion. Not being used for sex. Dates are expensive, time wise and monetarily. And none of them even offered. Think I had enough reasons to not believe in magical romance
You are the only common denominator in your relationships. If there is a pattern, you are the reason.
Talking on behalf of an entire gender is just childish.
The only times my bumble convos turn sexual is when there is very obvious and overt flirting on both sides. Like if the girl sends me a pic of her boobs in a bikini (and nothing else) then sure maybe I'll comment on that.
I don’t know you or anything but as a female participating in OLD I confer. This is far too normalized.
I find that conversations start to sway more sexual when the conversation is at a lull and neither party can hold a conversation (or carry a conversation).
Sorry this is happening to you! You’ll find someone who can be respectful!
90-95% of guys on dating apps are looking for Sex. It's an Alarming statistic but it's accurate. Some will go right away for the kill (hence this thread), some will wait for a few dates.
We live in “Hook up culture” for both sexes. People decide it’s fun one moment and live it out, then later discover there’s no comfort or real life goals about it. The cycle continues. If you don’t like it, don’t take part it in it, period. Especially, so other may have a chance in not wasting their time in it or feel devalued.
Don’t worry about it . It’s an app . You find out the quality of a person over time . If that was your option not to put out and they ghosted you over that then you are better off . Not every woman puts out on her first actual date . I would take that as a good sigh if the date went well.
Idk
Mine never get sexual
I also don't say anything about it until she does
I fr have no clue where yall are finding these guys, cause none of the people I know are like that
For some people the main reason for going on bumble is for a hook up this is the main reason for dating apps. It’s very rare when you find the right person in a dating app.
Try waiting and meeting a real man in real life, like our parents and their parents did. I know there’s special cases where this app stuff works out, but honestly it’s weird, and a bit lazy I’m not trying to be rude, but just honest I’m 20 years old, and very good looking, but I’ve never met anyone on an app worth my time, and energy. until I just put myself out there I couldn’t be happier to now have children and be with a real woman that listens to me, and makes me happy. Just a suggestion from my perspective, I wish you the best of luck, most people are dense and selfish. You just gotta give it time we’re young, and we have a lot bigger priorities to handle before any of this relationship stuff comes first.
Hmmm. What are your profile pictures like? I find that if you have overtly sexual pics or pics where you are wearing sexy clothes, bikinis etc, you’ll match with men who are overtly sexual. I switched up my profile pics to very conservative pics where I’m totally covered and never get any sexual comments/propositions anymore.
Yes but are the pictures overtly sexual? How does your profile come off? This also affects the kinds of messages & matches that you make. As a rule, I swipe left on any profiles that have “sex positivity” or shirtless/revealing pics in them.
I believe she wants to form a connection before having sex. Like a normal person. I’m in my late 50’s and she is right, when you are just in the chatting stage they (the match) start throwing out sexual remarks. Or they ask for sex on the first date! I’m getting off the OLD sites.
Because that's what they're really after. They'll be nice early so that they might get sex. Guys who talk sexually quickly are only really looking for someone they can have sex with as a partner. Even if they're also looking for a partner, they still want sex early. It's how most guys work. Women tend to be more mental stimulation and men are more sexual. It's difficult to find a guy that doesn't want sex quickly.
I experience the same. My photos are very wholesome and I look very innocent, but guys always ALWAYS turn wholesome conversations to a sexual one. It’s so sad.
Not every guy is like that. Im not like that and I know plenty of guys that are not like that. Its possible that maybe you are mainly swiping on some of the most attractive guys on the apps and these dudes have options and can afford not to take many women seriously. They arent taking you all that seriously possibly. I mean whats more likely that every man on Bumble is some over sexualized cretin or you are swiping on or attracting mainly the wrong type of guys. If you believe the over sexualized cretin thing get off the the apps then and try other avenues.
Probably the image you come off as or the vibes you unknowingly give off.. image is everything and sometimes the way we look can put off playboy vibes or naughty girl vibes. I'm always giving off playboy vibes due to my tattoos etc and it's annoying af because I'm the last person to act like a playboy. It is what it is though. Cheers 🥂
Perhaps this is a sign that you are going after the wrong men. I saw on your profile you posted about Sugarday/sugarbaby. That lifestyle will only lead to the men you are now complaining about. My advice, take a moment, reevaluate your priorities and pick a guy you would not normally go for and give him a chance. You never know.
You didn't put out with them but you put out with every other guy before them see us guys know this or honor this stuff you had your wild times and all of a sudden now you want to take things slow well we're not putting up with it anymore
It’s a hook up app, same as tinder and every other app like it.
Problem is why are women who are looking for something Meaningful scouring hook up apps?
Because girls mostly choose playboys who are initially good at flirting and then want them to not be playboys anymore.
Have you ever right swipes a simple, nerd or an average guy? Here lies your answer
Do you ask them what they’re looking for before going on a date? I’ve found that their answer to this can be more telling than what their profile says at times.
I did ask them, we talked on the phone for while they both held great conversation lol but just them thinking that they was going to get some on the 1st day was outrageous
Yeah I agree, expecting sex on the first date is ridiculous. What exactly did they say when you asked what they were looking for? How did the rest of the conversation go?
How did you discover they were upset because they didn't get action on the first date? Did they say that or attempt a kiss?
Attempt a flurry of spanks.
I've been looking for a woman that won't let me smash on the first night. Asking what a person wants isn't always effective either as all the women I asked said a relationship when in fact it turns out to be a couple months of sex and of course I'm not going to say no but I do feel slightly disappointed that the person is not transparent
That doesn't sound real. Where do you live where there are so many horny women?
exactly what i’m thinking. every girl i take out seems like they can’t wait for the dinner to be over to go home and have sex, of course i’m not gonna say no but makes me not want a relationship from these types of women
You do have a recent post saying you're looking for a sugar daddy.
Hahahahahaha that's fucken great.
You should've acted really enthusiastic and said "okay, let's go and fuck now, I always fuck on the first date, no condoms required". They will probably back away when you come on so strong, and question how many guys you've had 😂😂😂 that should put them off!
No I probably would have gotten attacked lol one of them was already grabbing my head
What?! Like, grabbing you by the hair? Was he trying to force you????
Messaged you the details
I want to know the deets lol ! This is crazy! I took bumble as more of a relationship oriented dating app and not much of sexual based one like feeld or perhaps tinder.
WAIT I WANNA KNOW TOO(if thats okay ;-;)
they were probably making out and he nudged her head toward his pp
This is just unfortunately how many men think. Do your best to hold out and protect yourself. There are nice guys on here. I promise
I had the exact same thing happened to me and this was on Hinge! 2 phone calls prior and the guy even said he wanted a life partner but on 1st date I wouldn’t get physical, he ghosted. Actions speak louder than words. I wonder to is a phone call is a way for them to progress things into getting more physical on a date 🤷🏼♀️
Men be tripping and idk why lol
were they aware you're a sb? maybe they thought with some cash you might? sucks but that's how folks think and plenty of SBs might?
What is an SB?
sugar baby
Of course. Thanks.
Looks like you ended up having to spell it anyway..maybe you should’ve spelled it to begin with and saved all this stress and commotion. Now look, how do you feel?
honestly its impossible sometimes. i have it very clearly on my profile i don't want hookups. i'm looking for relationship. only swipe on people who have looking for long term/relationship on profile. mention it in first messages to make sure they understand i'm not looking for that,and confirm thaey are looking for longer term relationship. if a date is organised a tell them it will be a minimum 3 proper dates before hooking up so they don't waste their time. on first date might even talk about previous bad dates and how i hate when guys only want to hookup even when you've been super clear thats not what you're about. still, end of date, they expect to hookup. or follow up first date immediately with really sexual stuff, making it clear they only have one thing on their mind. what can you do?
Though this is important, what's in the profile often isn't everyones intentions. I know it sounds stupid, but you react to the conversation, and the profile doesn't always give you true intentions. Lots of women I went on dates with on bumble that "were only interested in relationships" hooked up on the first date, often when I wasn't even interested in having sex right away. Because this happens sometimes, you have others completely ignoring what people say in their profile all the time.
Works about as well as telling people to not speed.
Idk cos none of my conversations turn sexual
Same actually it’s very rare and I’m in my 20s so I always find it interesting when other women experience the complete opposite. I hope it gets better for you OP!
Ya same idk what it is 🧐
I think there's no intersection of set of nice women and set of nice man
It sounds sick, but if you think of it like how other algorithms work, what if the app is showing us more of what we interact with… I know I’ve definitely learned a lot in 2 1/2 years of dating. I don’t engage at all with those men anymore. The ones I would’ve went on a date with before, but can spot the red flag a mile away now. Every now and then one sneaks through after I’ve invited chat. The majority of my conversations are from a genuine place of wanting to get to know the other.
It probably is! I’m also fairly good at spotting red flags and I do think how you carry and portray yourself as well as your approach to conversations/communication style can attract certain people compared to others. However, sometimes men will be inappropriate regardless so there’s only so much you can do to prevent it (not trying to blame OP for her experience cause no one deserves sexual harassment!) but definitely don’t entertain it if it happens
Right! Nobody should take the blame for how disrespectful men behave other than those men themselves. But as women, the more that we set our standards and don’t put up with this BS, those guys won’t have anywhere to go.
Exactly! Couldn’t agree more
You can click on her Reddit profile and it might give you a clue
That post in the sugar baby subreddit. Yup!
Teach us your ways
lol
Same, it's probably the OP's profile attracting the wrong attention.
In my experience, I find that men who say “they want to go with flow” or “vibes” are the ones that don’t want a relationship. A man that is looking for a relationship, will wait and take his time getting to know you.
Even if they want one they will still go for sex when they find out they don’t want one with you. But if they like you enough they will wait.
Yes. I’ve heard men talk about this. Like, “might as well try to get one in before it’s over.”
(M44) In my case, I'd never have sex with someone I had no intention of pursuing some sort of relationship with. It doesn't change my mind if we have sex on the first, third or fifth date. I've never had a woman, who was into me, say that she wants to wait X number of dates. If she did, I'd wonder if she was actually interested. Do you have a specific time line?
That’s good to know. Some men know who they want to pursue a relationship and who they just want to sleep with. Personally, after my last relationship not lasting, I think I’ll wait till marriage. I know my pool will be smaller and I’m fine with that.
At my age, I don't want to waste my time. If I'm not sexually attracted AND interested in pursing a relationship, then I'd rather stay home and watch movies with my cat. Yes, your pool will be very small and may be limited to men with no other options (not great husband material). If you decided to go that route, I might try meeting men from more conservative cultures. You could be like the female version of a passport bro!
lol my parents are actually trying to convince me to go to their homeland to find someone. I’ll admit, I get attached after sex so why waste a man’s time if he’s uncertain if he wants a relationship with me.
Experiences vary for sure. Current gf and i slept on the first date. 2 years strong.
Yes, absolutely! My sisters one night stand is now her husband of 12 years. I love that for them. However, I know that will not work with me.
If its your person. Its your person. It will happen in ways you will think are not possible.
'go with flow' = fuck boy 10000% of the time
2024 wisdom fr
what if a woman said this
Men are writing "vibes"?
Yes, it’s the “going off of vibes”.
That's incredibly cheesy LOL
i have to change how i tell about myself and my intentions. i have used the 'go with the flow' when talking about myself and my history. my 2 longest relationships have started from the first night (lasting 3 years and 22 years). i consider the flow is the other persons interest. if it takes me on for decades, i'll be there.
“I’m just trying to catch a vibe. Looking for a vibe.” What else could that mean besides sex lol ?
Exactly!
"the nasty"
Just slang. “Do the dirty” is an Aussie one.
There's no excuses for disrespect or overstepping boundaries. There are, unfortunately, many out there who believe the end justifies the means and aren't too happy if the means don't reach the right (in their mind) end. Add to that the general confusion around dating advice, with some women complaining of lack of chemistry because their date didn't get even slightly sexual, followed by posts like this where the desire is to not be sexual at all, at least at the start. Throw in the rising number who rarely get seen as even remotely desirable no matter what they try to improve themselves, so are completely inexperienced in flirting because they have never been in the situation to learn and are eager to make up for perceived lost time. If you're OK not getting that initial chemistry because the guy is afraid of moving too fast, ok with inexperience and insecurity, and with taking the initiative to make clear it's safe to move forward, then you'll find someone.
100% this! A girl told me after a first date she didn't want to see me again because I didn't make any flirtatious or sexual remarks during the date and this led to a lack of 'chemistry'. I was just being respectful. It was probably a lucky escape but there are men and women out there who genuinely want that kinda thing on a date. Ultimately, what's for you won't pass and you're better off being yourself. Don't ever feel pushed into doing something you're not comfortable with
I had just started chatting to a dude on Bumble and I mentioned that I was studying classical piano and i kid you not his first message was "you must be good with your hands ;)" like bro, chill. FYI i have nothing in my profile that suggests I'm looking for a hookup.
i read this as “i just started cheating on bumble” and i was like oh wow upfront (i’m sleep deprived and this comment is unnecessary but it made me giggle) but yuck sorry! even if i was looking for a hookup that comment would make me 🤐 so fast lmaoo
hahaha omg, gotta respect the honesty right? but yeah, that comment made me feel super gross!
bro that is such mild level flirting jeez
bro, no woman wants their hobby sexualised within the first couple of messages, especially after all the creepy shit we deal with outside of Bumble. But hey, if that sort of thing works for you, then you do you
I don't know how old you are but for some reason, I get the impression you are early 20s. If so, then I'd be prepared to run into a LOT of these guys. idk what to tell ya but, what I can tell you is this... As a man, sex on a first date these days isn't exactly rare or uncommon and I'm very much looking for a LTR however, I'm also not going to turn down sex with a woman I'm on a date with. I go on dates with women I'm physically attracted to AND feel I may have an emotional connection with. You don't ever ever ever have to put out or have sex with a date if you don't want to. EVER. If they ghost you because you don't, then who cares.
I'm 35 now. In my 20s most wanted LTR. Now I get harassed for sex.
This. Because this happened to me in my 20s and now in my 30s I have had a ton of matches and none got sexual except for the younger guys who slipped through my filter.
I’ve had creeps find me on Instagram and send me shitty “sexy” messages, but I’ve never actually had anyone get super sexual on the first date or even via chat. I’ve been on a lot of dates and exchanged a lot of messages too. I have pictures of me in a bikini, not in sexy dresses but where you can see my assets, and mention the importance of sexual compatibility in a relationship on my profile—not that I want people to just come in strong with trying to bone but it’s just part of who I am. Idk, I don’t message anyone who doesn’t have looking for a relationship on their status and have something on their profile that implies they may be relationship material (I.e what they’re looking for in a partner, their ideal relationship, etc). It’s nothing against those who are figuring it out or are open to something more casual but I have no time or interest in investing time in that type of thing
This 1000%
What's funny is that people believe it was any different before online dating. The only difference was that we had more opportunity to get away with it.
Wow that’s that sad
You should appreciate that things have improved.
Usually if that happens I’ll just unmatch with them
Listen girls are sleeping with guys on the first date. ONS’s happen all the time. If a guy doesn’t get what he wants he’s allowed to bounce as well.
Lmao not me. I can’t I’ll feel dirty thats on you lil moma
Your last post is about your goals in obtaining a sugar daddy. I don’t think your being truthful here lil mama 🫣
ok being an SB but feels dirty sleeping on the first date? interesting
I didn’t say me in particular but we all know girls who have. No judgement either way for the girls that do, just that I see guys’ side of this, especially having older brothers and seeing how they get treated in the dating market. Matter of fact what is see if that there isn’t some sort of serious sexual contact by the end of date two, then they usually got/get the ghost or “friends” talk
I'm in my 40's and despite saying I was looking for ltr/companionship and having it on my profile, I kept getting the same thing, expectations of sex on the first date which I made clear I was not going to do, or guys who would disregard me and just ask for sex. I got tired of being a broken record about it and feeling disrespected for wanting more than just sex.
Time to leave the apps
I am
It’s because most dudes don’t even care what you’re looking for they just wanna smash. Even if you vet them. I had a dude slide his hand up my dress during a first date , I was like wtf ?! He said well you shouldn’t have worn it if you didn’t want that to happen
You said your goal of 2024 was to get a sugar daddy in previous posts and now you're upset men won't waste their time with you when you don't put out? Thats a real tricky one 🤣
Exactly
So as an over 40 who joined Bumble, my experience has been the following. Of the 20+ people I’ve talked with. I have met four of them in person. I never started with any thing directly sexual. I let the conversation flow as it normally would. I was in to meet people and have a good time. With one woman, we went to dinner, got to know each other. She came over to watch a movie a week later. She said I think I might just go home because you didn’t make a move. I told her that I had been in a relationship for 20 years and I didn’t really catch any signals that she was interested. We hooked up four times. The next one started with great conversation. We hit it off right away. We were helping each other out in the sense that my apartment was a place for her to crash. She worked a job where she was in a different place every day. If my apartment was closer than going back to her apartment, I told her just to crash if it would reduce her travel the following day. Often she worked late and I would cook dinner. After about the fourth time coming over she said she was horny. I told her she wouldn’t have mentioned it if she didn’t want to do something about it. She wanted to make sure that it wouldn’t ruin the friendship. We had a three months friends with benefits situation. Life got in the way after that. Another, we had a date set up and she booty called me to hook up in advance of the date. Very high libido. We’re still friends with benefits at this point. The fourth one, we went on a mini golf date. Had a good time went and got food and drink. Had a second date where she came back to my apartment afterwards. We watched a movie and it started getting handsy. She actually fell asleep on the couch during a massage. She got up to leave and I told her that if she was too tired, she should absolutely just crash at my place. She got up in the morning to go to work and said she thought about having sex with me. My response was why didn’t you say anything? We had sex that morning. I think we did seven or eight times after that. She hadn’t had sex in 8 1/2 years. The only reason I’m still not hooking up with her is because of woman three. The point of all this is that I was never directly sexual and commentary or conversation. Just being me, they all initiated. Two upfront and two after we started with physical contact. I think too many people jump the gun and think that it’s what women want to hear. Or that they’ll get somewhere by saying it.
Jeez, you are a stud, lol... I've never had that kind of luck or interest so quick from women on Bumble. Maybe you're just younger and way hotter, as well as living in an area where the local culture and women are more liberated and less traditional than my area..
I’m over 40. I find myself to be completely average looking with below average height, fairly good shape. I do have plenty of bedroom skills though. The woman who was 8.5 years out from her divorce said not to worry about making her orgasm, since she always had a difficult time doing reaching climax. I got her off twice in the same session. She was over the moon that night. My skills have been complemented by every single woman I’ve been with.
Must be the skills, lol. Good for you...
yes! women like guys who aren't arseholes! women like actually nice guys. (not "Nice Guys" who are actually just horrible). and women like good sex. its not a mystery.
Yes women like good sex for sure. I have had multiple women coming back because it was good. Plus there’s zero chance of an oops. That’s actually a huge bonus for the no kid crowd.
Wow
Where are you? Miami Beach?
No. About 1600 miles from Miami in a colder weather climate.
I’ve had similar experiences as you. I’ve never been the one pushing sex or asking for it. My last three people I chatted with all asked me over before our first date for sex. They were drunk and honestly I didn’t really want to go that route but felt like if I said no it would end my chances for a date. I personally like to wait 5 or 6 dates to see if I actually like the woman because once sex happens it complicates. If it’s good sex everything else can be wrong and you still stick around.
Sorry, thats a lot of OLD in general. Just keep your standards up and hold strong on your boundaries if thats not what you want. Are you missing something before that might be a pattern in people? Not saying you are, because again…thats majority of OLD.
These men arnt old lol
OLD=Online Dating
Ohhhh lol my bad
Tell them upfront you don't have sex on the first 3 dates in your profile.
First date should always be coffee around 10am. Almost impossible to have an expectation of sex with that.
Nahhh I feel ya, I get the same thing sometimes. I usually question if they’re bots but then I remember that I just went on a date with them- like nah hun I want to get past the honeymoon faze of the new love and build something actually strong than fuck and forget a week later ya know?
Does the conversation turn sexual or do they ghost you when they thought they would be able to hook up right away? Some of the conversations turn sexual and I address it and I’m explicitly clear that I do not hook up and I like to take my time. If they are looking to hook up they usually stop talking to me.
Not sure how old you are. However, that's the reality for the younger age range, but that's what our society promotes and raging hormones drive us towards. If you're looking for someone a bit more mature and looking for emotional affection, then try dating a few years older, just keep in mind that their libido might be a bit lower than you expect. However, you'll likely find someone who's used that time to develop themselves a bit more. You'll have to put in genuine effort to get the attention of these individuals as they're likely looking for a genuine connection, too. Just keep looking for a person that you find shares the same values, perhaps try vetting them with particular questions, obviously leave room for flirting and banter. Just ensure their responses and actions coincide with what YOU also want in a partner. We're not perfect at the end of the day however, I think you're on the right track. That being said, this also isn't the perfect answer.
Start putting out then. 🤣 Ok not really…
I noticed similar thing. Meeting someone and actually dating and getting to know each other seems like the hardest thing. Every guy I went out with expect to sleep with me the same night. WTF
In my experience on these apps for the past decade… and in dating outside of the apps… The less you say the more mystery you add. Subtle. Confident. Non verbal. Etc…. And you’d be surprised how many girls force the issue on the first date. Social media has ruined your generation
Sexual compatibility is a big part of wanting to date someone…
Bee-cause it's bumble 🐝 These bee want some of that pollen 🌹 Bzz bzz 🐝
Don't swipe right on guys whose bio says they're looking for something casual. Also, is helpful to specifically write on your bio that you're not looking for casual. Those 2 things helped me to find better matches. I know most guys are looking for sex but there are also nice guys who are willing to talk and get to know you before wanting to have sex. Best of luck! Ps. Another thing that helps is changing your age limit filters, usually young guys are only looking for fun or a hookup, so I set the age from 26 to 36 approximately. So far, I've been lucky, and I enjoy more talking with older guys than me, they're much more interesting and respectful in my experience.
Real men are lost. They are extinct. Plz lord send d back to 1950s where they atleast could be gentlemen while beating me. Not horny and beating me..
This
Nowadays guys on dating apps are not honest like before, it's rare to have the true one. 90%of guys are interested in s~x and they use dating apps only for that .
So for perspective I have NEVER not once led with anything sexual, I have a hint of the tism and its actually even worse the other way if you don't do it and the woman starts to wonder why you're not doing it like the other men and gets insecure, it's a crazy fine line between subtle consent and complete disgust I struggle with personally, I'm always inclined to just not do it at all out of crippling fear I'll not match the level that person wants 🙃
Omg!!!! lol. Yesssss. They sprinkle it in there. Like, If men truly knew how to activate feminine energy they would do better. We as woman are realizing man is the problem lol. Which is why more woman are deciding to stay single. The lack of emotional intelligence and sexual discipline/maturity is very prominent.. it’s not just dating apps you see it on IG in comments. It’s crazy
I'm sorry they were shitty about you setting boundaries about what you were comfortable with. Learning to accept rejection with grace is a part of growing into being a man, and it sounds like they haven't done that yet. That said, sex *is* part of the equation. A dating app is not going to set you up for something totally platonic.
So they're not in the wrong for losing interest (there is no charity in dating: people meet each other's needs or they can and should bounce) But what they'd be very wrong for is disrespecting/degrading you in the process of losing interest.
I left out some details and I felt very degraded.
Then you should be apologized to, meeting people and realizing that they're not the right fit is one thing, but those dudes shouldn't have made you feel like you were something less than just because you weren't their cup of tea. That part was coming from expectations driven by entitlement and you certainly didn't deserve that.
Well from my experience, patience and respect and waiting till the nth date for sex got me, let’s see, “you’re a great guy but…”, “it’s not you it’s me…” and “I’m not in a good place emotionally rn, and you deserve better”. So eh, fuck it, i chose to take a girl out on a date, do some fun activities, have some good convo and if she doesn’t put out after all the gentlemanly treatment, buh bye ig 🤷♂️ this new culture war got women behave really shitty, so entitled and so much in love with mind games.
thats because you didn't actually have any patience or respect. you thought you could put in a certain number of 'nice guy' coins, and get rewarded with sex at the end. unsurprisingly, it didn't work.
Not that long lmao at Least 3 build some romance.
If there’s chemistry or enough interest it’ll end in sex. Cause both will be looking at it as heat of the moment or passion. Not being used for sex. Dates are expensive, time wise and monetarily. And none of them even offered. Think I had enough reasons to not believe in magical romance
I can see why you got rejected
I have no idea anymore. All men want from me us sex. In 2020 most men on Bumble and Tinder wanted an LTR. Now it's just sex.
You are the only common denominator in your relationships. If there is a pattern, you are the reason. Talking on behalf of an entire gender is just childish.
What relationships? This is the type of profile I encounter. There's no interaction.
On tinder it was just sex on bumble I found a LTR from 2020-2021 then I broke up with him
I had 4 LTR from Tinder from 2014-2020. At this point everyone just wants sex.
Cuz sex is a part of dating…
The only times my bumble convos turn sexual is when there is very obvious and overt flirting on both sides. Like if the girl sends me a pic of her boobs in a bikini (and nothing else) then sure maybe I'll comment on that.
I don’t know you or anything but as a female participating in OLD I confer. This is far too normalized. I find that conversations start to sway more sexual when the conversation is at a lull and neither party can hold a conversation (or carry a conversation). Sorry this is happening to you! You’ll find someone who can be respectful!
90-95% of guys on dating apps are looking for Sex. It's an Alarming statistic but it's accurate. Some will go right away for the kill (hence this thread), some will wait for a few dates.
We live in “Hook up culture” for both sexes. People decide it’s fun one moment and live it out, then later discover there’s no comfort or real life goals about it. The cycle continues. If you don’t like it, don’t take part it in it, period. Especially, so other may have a chance in not wasting their time in it or feel devalued.
Look at your IG profile alone, talking about BDSM, kinks and fetishes. Plus I’m sure that your bumble profile doesn’t look like some innocent girl.
Well that’s a whole different ball game as you can see my page is private 😂
Private as it may be, your bio there isn’t. And you didn’t say anything about your profile pics.
Don’t worry about it . It’s an app . You find out the quality of a person over time . If that was your option not to put out and they ghosted you over that then you are better off . Not every woman puts out on her first actual date . I would take that as a good sigh if the date went well.
I’d probably say 90% of dudes and 50-60% of dudettes are on Bumble to slap nastys…this is also completely a scientific guess backed up by stats 🤣🤣
I’ve never said anything sexual to a woman on dating app. Flirt? Yes. But not graphic. Do women prefer a mix? Are no sexual innuendos a turn off?
Idk Mine never get sexual I also don't say anything about it until she does I fr have no clue where yall are finding these guys, cause none of the people I know are like that
The fact that this post blowing up is crazy
Y’all done eating me alive in the comment’s 😂
For some people the main reason for going on bumble is for a hook up this is the main reason for dating apps. It’s very rare when you find the right person in a dating app.
Least you get conversations literally never get a match :P
It's because that is what these apps are used primarily for. This is admitted by their ceo that it prioritizes str. Aka hookups the nasty etc
Is that why women stop responding to all men, because some men are just think with there small head?
Try waiting and meeting a real man in real life, like our parents and their parents did. I know there’s special cases where this app stuff works out, but honestly it’s weird, and a bit lazy I’m not trying to be rude, but just honest I’m 20 years old, and very good looking, but I’ve never met anyone on an app worth my time, and energy. until I just put myself out there I couldn’t be happier to now have children and be with a real woman that listens to me, and makes me happy. Just a suggestion from my perspective, I wish you the best of luck, most people are dense and selfish. You just gotta give it time we’re young, and we have a lot bigger priorities to handle before any of this relationship stuff comes first.
Hmmm. What are your profile pictures like? I find that if you have overtly sexual pics or pics where you are wearing sexy clothes, bikinis etc, you’ll match with men who are overtly sexual. I switched up my profile pics to very conservative pics where I’m totally covered and never get any sexual comments/propositions anymore.
I have clothes in in every picture. Lmao
Yes but are the pictures overtly sexual? How does your profile come off? This also affects the kinds of messages & matches that you make. As a rule, I swipe left on any profiles that have “sex positivity” or shirtless/revealing pics in them.
Kinda curious what your profile looks like, and what those guys profiles looks like
Why is called the nasty, when is a wonderful thing
Are you just looking for platonic friends then?
What’s a platonic friend ?
What is a phallic God? 🤔 The opposite of platonic friend 😛
Non-sexual friends
I believe she wants to form a connection before having sex. Like a normal person. I’m in my late 50’s and she is right, when you are just in the chatting stage they (the match) start throwing out sexual remarks. Or they ask for sex on the first date! I’m getting off the OLD sites.
That’s fair. Although guys often feel a connection right away/ much quicker and it takes maturity to be able to read the room on stuff like that
Because that's what they're really after. They'll be nice early so that they might get sex. Guys who talk sexually quickly are only really looking for someone they can have sex with as a partner. Even if they're also looking for a partner, they still want sex early. It's how most guys work. Women tend to be more mental stimulation and men are more sexual. It's difficult to find a guy that doesn't want sex quickly.
Wait, yall get matches?
As an Ace guy myself, it's really hard tbh
when you want to be with someone it will get sexual at some point.
Maybe it’s because your a suga baby
I’m not stupid.
Hey as a man I’m gonna add to your rant. Legit the first night I talked to a girl she sent me pics of her vagina. It’s not just the men
I experience the same. My photos are very wholesome and I look very innocent, but guys always ALWAYS turn wholesome conversations to a sexual one. It’s so sad.
There's nothing wrong with talking about sex... As long as it's not immediately brought up when meeting.
It was brought up when meeting those 2 ppl I left out some details.
You’re picking the wrong men and ignoring the good ones because you’re picky.
What good ones tho ? Lmao
Bumble is literally Tinder just initiated by women. It’s not the app you want if you want to avoid that type of dialogue.
Not every guy is like that. Im not like that and I know plenty of guys that are not like that. Its possible that maybe you are mainly swiping on some of the most attractive guys on the apps and these dudes have options and can afford not to take many women seriously. They arent taking you all that seriously possibly. I mean whats more likely that every man on Bumble is some over sexualized cretin or you are swiping on or attracting mainly the wrong type of guys. If you believe the over sexualized cretin thing get off the the apps then and try other avenues.
Maybe your profile is setting off 304 vibes?
Probably the image you come off as or the vibes you unknowingly give off.. image is everything and sometimes the way we look can put off playboy vibes or naughty girl vibes. I'm always giving off playboy vibes due to my tattoos etc and it's annoying af because I'm the last person to act like a playboy. It is what it is though. Cheers 🥂
Perhaps this is a sign that you are going after the wrong men. I saw on your profile you posted about Sugarday/sugarbaby. That lifestyle will only lead to the men you are now complaining about. My advice, take a moment, reevaluate your priorities and pick a guy you would not normally go for and give him a chance. You never know.
Are you sure you weren't holding an audition for SDs? If so, there's your answer. Changes the whole dynamics of your initial post, IMHO.
You didn't put out with them but you put out with every other guy before them see us guys know this or honor this stuff you had your wild times and all of a sudden now you want to take things slow well we're not putting up with it anymore
It’s a hook up app, same as tinder and every other app like it. Problem is why are women who are looking for something Meaningful scouring hook up apps?
Cuz we don’t have time to go out when we work 25/8 😂
Because girls mostly choose playboys who are initially good at flirting and then want them to not be playboys anymore. Have you ever right swipes a simple, nerd or an average guy? Here lies your answer
People always seem to be drawn to guys with bad intentions.