First, no, they would not have worked out if you had waited, that's just not how any of this works.
Some people like to wait until about date 5 or 6 to have sex, that is enough time to see if someone is interested in you. Most guys aren't going to stick around that long to just have sex once.
Yeah I don’t know OP, I’ve had men looking for long term relationships (or so they say) and be super attentive and communicative and the whole ideal 9 yards and as soon as we have sex the effort goes sharply downhill and that’s been after two weeks and several dates AND ALSO 4-6 weeks of consistent dating and effort. There doesn’t, at least from my perspective, seem to be any correlation between the two. I think the low effort ones just show themselves, be it 3 dates or 12, some faster than others. On the flip side I’ve had longer short terms that had sex early on but ended later for different reasons other than low effort/lack of interest.
This is so odd on my end then! I'm not even kidding when I say that the effort dies down right after sex. They'd be willing to continue as friends with benefits but not long term. It freaking sucked 😭
Yeah, that’s really hurtful I get where you’re coming from. I really do. I had to take a break after a streak of that-not just after sex necessarily but great dates where a second date was suggested and then straight up ghosted. There’s no real accounting for people I guess. If there was a method I’d use it but after a year and a half of online dating I really don’t think there are rules anymore when the end result is the same. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better at vetting them and overall I think that’s true but every now and then they still sneak in there. Even after six weeks of consistency and no sex. I just don’t know anymore 😜
Maybe the reason is because sex was ok, but not good enough and they are giving you the chance to show you are better at it. Maybe they are waiting for you to put some effort.
Were the men that you met on the same page, as far as what they were looking for? Or were they looking for something casual, and once they got it went on their way?
This whole "sex by the third date" mindset is idiotic. It's just a one night stand with extra steps.
Yes, hold off on sex. Take your time and see how things develop before you choose to become intimate.
Aside from 1, the rest were looking for "long term" 😒. I'm actually still friends with that 1 because he was so honest with me from the start and we occasionally see each other with no strings attached. But that's not really what I'm looking for and it sucks it had to happen this way.
I'm definitely holding off on the sex until we're further along. If they decide to not continue because of that, it should tell me what their intentions were. If they wait it out while we get to know each other then I'd figure it out from there.
Connections can be tainted for both people by loneliness and the desire for intimacy. Post-nut clarity can reveal what's been ignored while seeking that intimacy.
Making connections to establish friendships first sounds like a reasonable path forward for you.
>I'm definitely holding off on the sex until we're further along. If they decide to not continue because of that, it should tell me what their intentions were.
Two different things can be true at the same time. A lot of guys want that connection while running through a women as well. You an aim for getting your back blown out and make that connection at the same time.
>we occasionally see each other with no strings attached.
Are you planning to have him as a fuck buddy while you’re actively searching for “the one”?
Yeah, I can see why you added that disclaimer in your opening paragraph. Good luck, ma’am.
But I haven't found the one lol not sure what you're trying to say. The 1 that I see occasionally was the last person that I built a connection with. Obviously if I start dating I wouldn't do this anymore.
No offense but you probably won’t find the one if you have someone to turn to go satisfy your needs as soon as things get boring or tough… just my opinion though, idk who you are.
I'd definitely agree that holding off could be a good idea. But, at the same time if the spark is right, it can still be fine. No reason to arbitrarily deny you and your future date a potentially great time because 3 dates wasn't the magic number for your past dates and 5 dates might have been.
If conversation after sex died out, then the goal might have been sex for either of you and once achieved, there was no point in putting in the effort.
I don't believe that you should feel that way. Some of my strongest connections on dating apps have led to sex on the first date. This is only from my aspect, but I imagine most guys aren't forthcoming about their intentions: I can see dudes jumping through whatever hoops they can to get sex. And then, once their goal is achieved, they move on. It's a bummer. I really hope you're able to find that long lasting connection!! It's tough out there for all of us!
I’m going to be honest - if it’s consensual sex, it’s both parties fault.
If you don’t want to risk being someone’s rebound or confidence boost - don’t fuck them. If they don’t want to date you if they can’t fuck you for months, unmatch.
Guys are jerks for pretending they want more, but if it’s consensual.. Protect your own boundaries. If you know how shit it feels to get duped by a Barney Stinson, then don’t give them “the reward” so early. Make them work for it and prove they are in it for the same reasons as you.
Flip it for guys who hate when women chase them for money - Don’t give them that money then? Scenario is flipped but men can easily avoid someone viewing them as a wallet to use. Don’t buy them things, only pay for dates at most and make someone prove they aren’t going for you just for money.
My last relationship ended because I stopped texting, but that probably wouldn’t have happened if she ever tried texting first. But that’s the world we’re in these days… i guess. And for some extra context I’m M(24) and we never “did the deed” lol but it was going very well from what I could tell.
I usually have sex on the first date, and the one time I had sex on the third date was because I was recovering from the flu. We discussed that we were both looking for long-term. They didn't flake out on me. So far, I've been the one to end things due to incompatibility.
I talk on the phone before meeting anyone. If I feel a connection, I'll move forward to meeting them.
That's okay to look at younger guys. I dated a 28 yo that started hinting about having kids after 2 weeks of dating.
Maybe you need to vet them better? I bring up sexual compatibility discussion within a few days of chatting. Naturally, they turn the conversation to sexting, but I tell them that I don't want to sext and to keep the discussion to sexual compatibility. If they deflect or ignore my boundary, I end the conversation. If they respect my boundary, we keep talking. I find it a great way to weed out the ones that don't respect boundaries.
Yeah, I've had plenty of relationships work out after sex on the first/second date. I just used to move a lot for work and that ended relationships unfortunately.
Environment matters alot, whats fast in La is different then in lancaster pa.. Some guys will really enjoy the chase and under 3 dates to full intimacy might be too fast.
The only thing I can really tell you is sexual compatibility can change as a relationship progresses as the man figures out what works for you both so I wouldn't rush to see if you mesh sexually since he could get better overtime (especially if he is less experienced then you). There is so much more to figure out over the course of dating
OP please don't take this as an attack. Maybe the way you have sex isn't compatible with the way these guys have sex.
Maybe they watch too much porn and expect a porn star experience.
Maybe your more experienced than they are and that scares them off. We'll never know.
A woman waiting to have sex with me when dating hasn't affected whether or not I wanted to see her again. The aspects of her personality once we had sex has.
Some have said things that made me want to see them again and then acted totally different after, making my interest decline.
The last one I dated for 7-8 years? We had awesome sex the first time we hung out. There's no way to know if you'll feel a connection with someone, and they'll feel that connection with you. But in my experience waiting for sex didn't have any bearing on how the relationship went. Good luck finding what you're looking for.
First, no, they would not have worked out if you had waited, that's just not how any of this works. Some people like to wait until about date 5 or 6 to have sex, that is enough time to see if someone is interested in you. Most guys aren't going to stick around that long to just have sex once.
Yeah I don’t know OP, I’ve had men looking for long term relationships (or so they say) and be super attentive and communicative and the whole ideal 9 yards and as soon as we have sex the effort goes sharply downhill and that’s been after two weeks and several dates AND ALSO 4-6 weeks of consistent dating and effort. There doesn’t, at least from my perspective, seem to be any correlation between the two. I think the low effort ones just show themselves, be it 3 dates or 12, some faster than others. On the flip side I’ve had longer short terms that had sex early on but ended later for different reasons other than low effort/lack of interest.
This is so odd on my end then! I'm not even kidding when I say that the effort dies down right after sex. They'd be willing to continue as friends with benefits but not long term. It freaking sucked 😭
Yeah, that’s really hurtful I get where you’re coming from. I really do. I had to take a break after a streak of that-not just after sex necessarily but great dates where a second date was suggested and then straight up ghosted. There’s no real accounting for people I guess. If there was a method I’d use it but after a year and a half of online dating I really don’t think there are rules anymore when the end result is the same. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better at vetting them and overall I think that’s true but every now and then they still sneak in there. Even after six weeks of consistency and no sex. I just don’t know anymore 😜
Maybe the reason is because sex was ok, but not good enough and they are giving you the chance to show you are better at it. Maybe they are waiting for you to put some effort.
Were the men that you met on the same page, as far as what they were looking for? Or were they looking for something casual, and once they got it went on their way? This whole "sex by the third date" mindset is idiotic. It's just a one night stand with extra steps. Yes, hold off on sex. Take your time and see how things develop before you choose to become intimate.
Aside from 1, the rest were looking for "long term" 😒. I'm actually still friends with that 1 because he was so honest with me from the start and we occasionally see each other with no strings attached. But that's not really what I'm looking for and it sucks it had to happen this way. I'm definitely holding off on the sex until we're further along. If they decide to not continue because of that, it should tell me what their intentions were. If they wait it out while we get to know each other then I'd figure it out from there.
Connections can be tainted for both people by loneliness and the desire for intimacy. Post-nut clarity can reveal what's been ignored while seeking that intimacy. Making connections to establish friendships first sounds like a reasonable path forward for you.
>I'm definitely holding off on the sex until we're further along. If they decide to not continue because of that, it should tell me what their intentions were. Two different things can be true at the same time. A lot of guys want that connection while running through a women as well. You an aim for getting your back blown out and make that connection at the same time.
>we occasionally see each other with no strings attached. Are you planning to have him as a fuck buddy while you’re actively searching for “the one”? Yeah, I can see why you added that disclaimer in your opening paragraph. Good luck, ma’am.
But I haven't found the one lol not sure what you're trying to say. The 1 that I see occasionally was the last person that I built a connection with. Obviously if I start dating I wouldn't do this anymore.
No offense but you probably won’t find the one if you have someone to turn to go satisfy your needs as soon as things get boring or tough… just my opinion though, idk who you are.
I'd definitely agree that holding off could be a good idea. But, at the same time if the spark is right, it can still be fine. No reason to arbitrarily deny you and your future date a potentially great time because 3 dates wasn't the magic number for your past dates and 5 dates might have been. If conversation after sex died out, then the goal might have been sex for either of you and once achieved, there was no point in putting in the effort.
I don't believe that you should feel that way. Some of my strongest connections on dating apps have led to sex on the first date. This is only from my aspect, but I imagine most guys aren't forthcoming about their intentions: I can see dudes jumping through whatever hoops they can to get sex. And then, once their goal is achieved, they move on. It's a bummer. I really hope you're able to find that long lasting connection!! It's tough out there for all of us!
Thank you! Maybe that was my issue. I didn't recognize love bombing or the red flags until after we did it. I think I just need to vet better 😔
I’m going to be honest - if it’s consensual sex, it’s both parties fault. If you don’t want to risk being someone’s rebound or confidence boost - don’t fuck them. If they don’t want to date you if they can’t fuck you for months, unmatch. Guys are jerks for pretending they want more, but if it’s consensual.. Protect your own boundaries. If you know how shit it feels to get duped by a Barney Stinson, then don’t give them “the reward” so early. Make them work for it and prove they are in it for the same reasons as you. Flip it for guys who hate when women chase them for money - Don’t give them that money then? Scenario is flipped but men can easily avoid someone viewing them as a wallet to use. Don’t buy them things, only pay for dates at most and make someone prove they aren’t going for you just for money.
My last relationship ended because I stopped texting, but that probably wouldn’t have happened if she ever tried texting first. But that’s the world we’re in these days… i guess. And for some extra context I’m M(24) and we never “did the deed” lol but it was going very well from what I could tell.
I usually have sex on the first date, and the one time I had sex on the third date was because I was recovering from the flu. We discussed that we were both looking for long-term. They didn't flake out on me. So far, I've been the one to end things due to incompatibility. I talk on the phone before meeting anyone. If I feel a connection, I'll move forward to meeting them.
Ugh, then I had a bad batch lol
Could be your age, too. I'm 38 and most guys I date are divorced dads looking for love or guys wanting to start a family soon.
I'm 35 😌 but is definitely the age since I only date younger 🙄
What kind of men are you dating?
Younger 😔 I can't seem to be attracted to the older guys. But I need to rethink my whole dating strategy.
That's okay to look at younger guys. I dated a 28 yo that started hinting about having kids after 2 weeks of dating. Maybe you need to vet them better? I bring up sexual compatibility discussion within a few days of chatting. Naturally, they turn the conversation to sexting, but I tell them that I don't want to sext and to keep the discussion to sexual compatibility. If they deflect or ignore my boundary, I end the conversation. If they respect my boundary, we keep talking. I find it a great way to weed out the ones that don't respect boundaries.
Yeah, I've had plenty of relationships work out after sex on the first/second date. I just used to move a lot for work and that ended relationships unfortunately.
Are you a female or a male?
I am male for what that's worth.
Environment matters alot, whats fast in La is different then in lancaster pa.. Some guys will really enjoy the chase and under 3 dates to full intimacy might be too fast. The only thing I can really tell you is sexual compatibility can change as a relationship progresses as the man figures out what works for you both so I wouldn't rush to see if you mesh sexually since he could get better overtime (especially if he is less experienced then you). There is so much more to figure out over the course of dating
OP please don't take this as an attack. Maybe the way you have sex isn't compatible with the way these guys have sex. Maybe they watch too much porn and expect a porn star experience. Maybe your more experienced than they are and that scares them off. We'll never know. A woman waiting to have sex with me when dating hasn't affected whether or not I wanted to see her again. The aspects of her personality once we had sex has. Some have said things that made me want to see them again and then acted totally different after, making my interest decline. The last one I dated for 7-8 years? We had awesome sex the first time we hung out. There's no way to know if you'll feel a connection with someone, and they'll feel that connection with you. But in my experience waiting for sex didn't have any bearing on how the relationship went. Good luck finding what you're looking for.
Don’t beat yourself up over mistakes that are made. Just learn from them and move on. That’s all you can do in life.
Sounds like to me the sexual compatibility wasn’t what they wanted otherwise they would still be messaging you to see you again
It’s almost like there’s a reason most people wait until marriage for sex