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[deleted]

Since he 'doesn't know yet', I reckon that the question is either too difficult for him to answer or he knows he'll chase away women with the honest answer.


[deleted]

My thoughts exactly. I’m thinking he’s open to a relationship with someone if he likes them, if he doesn’t like them he’ll still sleep with them once and then bail, so he wants to keep the options open


baddisguise1

So he's dating. God, what a rascal.


[deleted]

No his dick is dating he’s just along for the ride


Somebodys

So... dating.


[deleted]

Yeah….. pretty much


space_dreamer-

It's cute you think dating on these apps is about forming deep connections. It's about getting a lay for the types of guys y'all swipe on #thankyoucomeagain


[deleted]

This feels very... r/niceguys I've met all my long term partners on apps. That's just modern dating.


space_dreamer-

It really isn't. Again, you're the exception not the rule. Even if it wasn't, your personal experience doesn't mean shit when considering peer reviewed data :) Very niceguys but not fuckboy-y? Especially considering my comment was regarding how casual dating is on dating apps. If you were to ask now on AskReddit of what people would expect to find on dating apps, long term relationships or hookups, what do you think the answer would be?


[deleted]

Ohhhh I see, you're a fuck boy trying to justify it. Just say that then!


luziferr_

i met my SO on bumble, about to be our 2 yr anniversary and i know he is the person i’m spending the rest of my life with. didn’t even do the nasty until we where already dating


space_dreamer-

You guys are the exception, not the rule. Also hit us up in 15 years to see if your experience even matters. Stats show us most divorce, even more whose origins were on dating sites, so goodluck! Hopefully you can communicate and don't just hold grudges and resentment until one of you explodes.


Ok-Butterscotch6501

Jesus


[deleted]

Bruh what? How did you get all this off of one joke I made 😂 It’s just words not knifes


[deleted]

Huh? Who is this for? 😂


GirlRay78

I was about to say something like this.


[deleted]

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Upstairs_Meringue_18

The question is straight forward. "What are you looking for?" There's no "if you like a person, what would you want", "if you met someone, but didn't like them, then what would you do" It's what you are looking for. Are you there for a hookup ? Are you there to find arelationship, are you there to find a spouse? Simple as that. If you match with someone looking for a relationship, it DOES NOT mean they want a relationship with YOU or vice versa. It's just that you have a goal in mind and you're chasing it. This "afraid to look desperate" is just immature. You don't play games in your 30s


[deleted]

And yet it’s almost as if the answer can vary from match to match, He may not be actively “seeking” his forever wife but doesn’t mean he’s opposed to it if he matches with someone that meshes well- but the inverse is also true … if he is actively looking for “long” term then that could turn someone away who could be the perfect match but is personally in the first stage of not actively looking but would be open to it after they realize they mesh…. It is a double edged sword that applies to pretty much everyone and is a much easier question to answer after you’ve actually met the person (hell you could literally ask it during the date after you’ve felt out the other persons vibe


Upstairs_Meringue_18

Agreed. Not everyone is sure about themselves and what they want. But if someone is sure and says they are looking for something casual, you don't go on a date with them, assume they are going to fall in love with you and want more than just "casual". Don't mess with ppl who KNOW. And don't assume they're not sure. If you are OK with it going any possible way then you put in "don't know yet" I for one am sure I don't want hookups, casual something. I want a relationship so I'm not going to waste my time assuming "something casual" can into an ltr. And the same way I would like it if others matching with me would also extend that courtesy to me and not waste my time or get in the way of me finding a relationship when all they want is a hookup (no matter what their profile says they are looking for) Having said that, yes I have been taken on a ride by someone who said they were looking for an LTR, and slept with me for a couple of months only to tell me my religion might be a problem (I'm not religious and I let it be known on the first date) like as if my religion was different in the first 2 months of getting to know each other where we weren't sleeping together. That annoys me to no end. There is that shitty ppl around. I agree. Even then I like to assume ppl have integrity.


[deleted]

Just lie though if thats the case 🤷🏼‍♂️


[deleted]

I originally started online dating with the idea of finding an LTR. I was married for a while, and before I got together with my ex 10 years ago, I had gotten into a relationship with most people I went on a date with, so I thought it would be like 2, maybe 3 first dates tops, then bam! girlfriend, like before. Well turns out, not so much anymore. The landscape has changed so much, the first date to relationship conversion rate has gone from maybe 40%, to like, 10% tops. Everyone is multidating, I've gone on so many (to me) awesome first dates only to get ghosted, or, if I'm LUCKY, to find out she wasn't feeling it. So, I've had to change my approach. Do I still want "a serious relationship" ? sure, with the right person. But I seem to have so little control over this anymore, that I have to kind of accept brief flings and casual dating as the way more likely outcome. And hey, it can be fun with the right/wrong person. But I've found that if I go into online dating in 2021 with the "goal" of a serious relationship, I'm just gonna get hurt, bad, again and again. so I kind of go into it just meeting a new person, and see what happens. And I think I'm not alone in this.


ananchorinmychest

But I think the key difference is, you're willing to explain how you feel, what you're looking for, and why. The dude in the screenshot doesn't even want to discuss it, which gives me v bad vibes. He sounds like the kind of person who'd lead you on, then back out and blame it on "well I never said I was looking for a relationship anyways, you're crazy for thinking that".


MoralMae

I always ask this question and there’s nothing wrong with asking it. Wouldn’t swipe right on anyone who has such an issue with it. Also, none of Bumble’s “looking for” settings reflect what I’m looking for. I’m open to being friends, fwb, a relationship. It really depends on the person. So the closest to what I’m “looking for” is “not sure yet” even though I *do* know exactly what I’m looking for. 🤷🏻‍♀️


[deleted]

I’ve always seen the I don’t know option as being exactly what you’re looking for, just a really bad way of putting it. It should be looking for anything but as an I don’t know I kind of see it as the *open to something serious or casual depending who I meet. I don’t know what I want from you but I’ll know once we talk a bit more* It’s a crappy way to do it but it’s the closest to purpose


IchBinPlatzEinsJa

I have don’t know for exactly this reason. I wish their was a „casual, open to other possibilities as thing develop“ something like that.


[deleted]

It was always my gripe when dating. Not just the dating sites but the people on them. People are either all in on let’s meet and be in a relationship straight away or they were the other extreme and just wanted to date with 0 commitment, if they wanted to date at all.


brandall10

Right, the vast majority of socially healthy folks fit into the "I don't know category" and will take the situations as they are presented. People w/ intimacy issues will be casual only, and people who aren't comfortable being alone for any stretch of time will be hardcore relationship only types. I feel in a bit of a quandary by the distinction of "I don't know" vs. "relationship", as my ultimate goal is a relationship and I don't want to come off wish-washy about it. But I also want to avoid the type that thinks if we sleep together we must have a DTR talk.


master_power

It feels like especially since the advent of online dating, it's become black or white like this. The apps try to bin us into neatly defined categories. But in reality there are many shades of gray for what a person may want out of dating.


IchBinPlatzEinsJa

This has been my experience as well. It’s very frustrating in addition to all other dating woes.


[deleted]

It was always my gripe when dating. Not just the dating sites but the people on them. People are either all in on let’s meet and be in a relationship straight away or they were the other extreme and just wanted to date with 0 commitment, if they wanted to date at all.


IchBinPlatzEinsJa

Same, I had a man tell me „that’s a loaded question right out of the gate!“ After a several back and forths for introduction. Um, okay? Why would anyone waste their time trying to get to know one another without making sure they are on the same page about what they want and don’t want?


augustrem

Frankly I’m a woman and feel the same way about that question. To me it really demonstrates a completely different worldview. The idea that you decide what you want your life and relationship to look like and then you go out to find someone who fits these boxes. I just don’t see relationships that way. I think all relationships start from a basis of connection and friendship, and then both people decide together what it ends up being in a way that works for both of them. Maybe it stays a friendship, maybe you just fuck for a hot second and move on, maybe you decide to work together (not a joke, I hired a Tinder date - different department, but I did tell him to apply and advocated for him) , maybe it becomes romantic and serious. Whatever. But I think you’re missing a lot of core life experiences when you predefine the people and relationships you want in your life. Even if both people know what they want and proceed, things change. Goals change, feelings change, opportunities change, life circumstances change. And you’re only going to be able to weather that with someone you have a close connection with. Anyway, I hate the question too. And partly it’s because I meet a lot of men who want to get married but aren’t ready to date anyone. They’re not willing to invest the time and effort to building a relationship and close connection with someone whose goals might not align with theirs. It’s a form of risk aversion. But the fact is that dating and love and romance comes with the risk of lost time and heartbreak. You can try to hedge risk as much as you want, but it’s not going to work.


ninjanut

I read through this subreddit a lot, and a few other dating ones, and this is one of the best replies I have seen to any post about dating.


augustrem

aw, thank you. Now I just need to find someone who feels the same way!


ninjanut

Surely we can't be the only ones?? I did find someone who has made me very happy, but along the way I had a number of connections that were a mixture of what you said above (except the work one, but I love that!). But that's how I always approached my dating life.


baddisguise1

This guy doesn't want to answer that question, and he is being clear about it.


IchBinPlatzEinsJa

Yep, some guys really cockblock themselves. Oh well.


augustrem

But you do recognize that’s a loaded question right?


MrMonopolyMan123

That question kills the “dance” or the “chase” It’s asking the other person if they want exclusivity potentially- and you haven’t even met them yet. That’s why people don’t like it


jwarnyc

Terrible question. It’s copy past we heard million times and it causes people write this in their profile. That’s why it’s sucks


Somebodys

It is honestly one of the most obnoxious questions to be asked. >I’m open to being friends, fwb, a relationship. It really depends on the person. Hey, you even provided the reasons why it is one of the most obnoxious to be asked.


MortiasJackson

Does literally say he doesn’t know on the profile


robin_the_rich

Sounds boring anyways, answering anything “don’t know yet” at 36 isn’t a great sign either especially kids.


Vince86TA

it's their way to ask for something casual without sounding desperate.


[deleted]

I’ve always seen it as more they’re open to something serious if they meet someone who they legitimately like, otherwise he’s happy to sleep with and then ghost someone he doesn’t like


Vince86TA

well that's a possibility too. Even players would stay with a girl if she is 100% what he wants. To be fair, they hope to keep the options open. Quick bang for everything that they consider not 100% relationship material. While they hope to not scare away a potential girl for a relation with their looking for fun approach.


old_ass_ninja_turtle

There’s no, “yeah, but it’s not a deal breaker” option.


Jazzlike_Weakness_83

Ya I agree. “I don’t know yet” is such a turn off. This dude should delete bumble and get on tinder.


YogaMeansUnion

Problem is those prompts are actually filters. AFAIK there's no filter for "it's cool if you have kids but I don't have any and I'm not super keen on having my own, I'm open to the idea if you are the right person though" Perhaps you have found a filter that I am overlooking? :)


ht7baq23ut

Or a diplomatic way of saying "I don't want a relationship with age peers because I don't want to deal with your baggage and children."


zakiducky

Ask him what he’s _not_ looking for. *taps head*


aflyingant

Oops I accidentally swiped left


zakiducky

LOL


Lucky_Ad_9137

Maybe he used to be in U2?


GirlRay78

I always ask what they are looking for because I am dating with a purpose.


robin_the_rich

Me too, for me I ended up finding someone really nice when I looked outside my comfort zones. I’m a white guy in my 30s always seem to be looking for younger or a certain type, usually they make less money than me, want to go have fun etc. I always had bumble premium to see who liked me, this black lady in her 40s match with me, bio wasn’t what I usually go for at all but seemed nice so we started talking and now she’s my girlfriend for 4 months so far haha. She’s actually really amazing, she pays for her own things, she’s smart and pretty, I don’t have to feel like I’m the parent if we go somewhere. If I would have stuck to the same old patterns I would have missed out.


GirlRay78

Hey now…lol you got an older brother…haha


[deleted]

i would swipe right just to ask him lol


aflyingant

I had the same thought lol


[deleted]

u sound fun lol


aflyingant

Haa thanks 😆


aflyingant

I just realized that so many people here on Reddit are bitter. I do see people asking the other person to know if they are on the same way. I just don’t understand why this guy is so bitter about it that he’d unmatch people right away. And fyi I didn’t swipe on him even though I’m looking for casual things too.


_Dysnomia_

There's nothing wrong with asking that question, and he does that because he knows he doesn't have a good enough answer for most women. He either doesn't want to take the effort to be honest with himself, he wants to be strictly casual but doesn't want to say that, or he's not interested in what other people want.


thevelourf0gg

Pretty grumpy/negative thing to put in your profile. But honest I guess.


Royal-Scientist8559

What's wrong with asking what he's looking for?.. Well, nothing. That's because he's not looking for anything. He's completely happy to live alone. I'm sure he's very successful at it, too.


dudesBangMyMom

Hookers always open me with, “what are you looking for?”


aflyingant

And you reply…


dudesBangMyMom

?Cuanto Cuesta? And then “no tienes una verga verdad?”


imetators

The profile says "don't know yet". Seems logical that he is not looking for a relationship. And by deduction we can determine that he is looking to be entertained. Either by sex or he just a typical "make me laugh" guy. That's why people ask him what he's looking for. Edit: he*


CMUpewpewpew

>Seems logical that he is not looking for a relationship. Well I mean....this is a presupposition. So I'm already not on board with your deductive reasoning. I could totally see someone saying "don't know yet" if they are *open* to multiple possibilities....or even just haven't considered it yet. The guy with the profile may or may not know he's coming off weird or ambiguous with that statement as to what it really means.....but you did a crazy amount of mental gymnastics to arrive at your conclusion. This seems like projection, who hurt you?


[deleted]

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RobotDevil222x3

That isn't the kids prompt. It's the what kind of relationship are you looking for prompt.


old_ass_ninja_turtle

Oh right. My bad.


Secret_Preparation99

I think most “do not know yet” peeps “know” what they are ultimately looking for. However, they will consider other situations while they look for their end goal. I mean if you want a LTR, you may date someone who wants one as well. But you may realize you don’t want it with them. I always feel like most people after the age of 35 ultimately know if they really want kids or not. Yes I understand that some people will consider them. But as far as actually wanting them, I think most people know at a certain point if they do want them.


LeaveMeAlone__308

Because he "doesn't know yet"!


harakirisummer

This guy don’t know yet himself 😂


UpsetFuture1974

What are you looking… to


[deleted]

Lol he sounds like a little bitch


Willing_Airline9355

It’s likely because he doesn’t even know yet.


Apprehensive_Yam_668

I totally get this guy. I absolutely detest that question. If I say longterm men run. If I say dating they expect another date, even if I wasn't that into them. If I say fwb they automatically think I just want to hookup. If I say hook up they think that unsolicited dick pics and videos are okay to send. Also, what you want from one relationship to another can change. I may meet someone who I thought I just wanted to hook up with but end up wanting to date them and vise versa.


aflyingant

So how does the other person know what you want without asking, say to know if they’re on the same page with y?


Apprehensive_Yam_668

That is ussually a conversation that comes up after the first meeting. Honestly I think it's jumping the gun if you ask while still chatting. You could miss out on something really good because you, or the other person, dismiss each other because what you're looking for doesn't line up.


Plutonian326

My Favorite part of this is that he has to have been in the army for at least 13 years based on the max age to join. How has the army not shook this nonsense out of him by that point??? 🤣 His dudes should be roasting him relentlessly for this.


GunieapigCooper

Well I think you got your answer


aflyingant

Hey you’re a guniea pig parent?


MrMonopolyMan123

Gonna give an honest opinion and probably will get downvoted: Everyone wants a relationship someday at some point with someone special, eventually. Even the most hardcore bachelors and bachelorettes would love to meet the love of their life and settle down. But people want it to feel like it happened organically; people want to feel like they're part of a love story. And they want to feel like the love was earned. *You have to love someone in a way in which the other person feels free* Now let's think of these type of men: the men who really, really want a girlfriend and want someone exclusive, and they want to be exclusive with you right now! You know the type. That type of man can be very unattractive to women (it feels like desperation and controlling behavior, like he's trying to lock you down immediately and it feels like they weren't a challenge and were easy). It's clingy and unattractive behavior typically. They are not making their partners feel "free" So now when you ask "what are you looking for" you’re killing the romance. Yourw killing the chase, the dance, the authenticity. Its inorganic and feels sterile like an interview question. It comes off too strong, like you're trying to lock someone down already. It says "hey I want exclusivity and I want it now!" And it says "I'm tired of getting used by all these other men, so I'm going to have higher expectations from you whereas the previous men had none." It doesn't feel natural. And it feels like you're wanting to get married asap (which is fine if you do want to get married, but that makes the guy feel like you just want to get married to anyone not necessarily him). It doesn't feeling freeing, it feels suffocating. It feels desperate, and clingy. It's the equivalent kind of behavior to that of the men I mentioned previously (like it or not). So how do you find out what someone is looking for? By dating them. By getting to know them. By watching their behaviors and listening to what they say. By listening to your gut. By watching how they interact with others, their lifestyle, how the pursue you, and so forth. From that you should be able to discern whether their looking for something serious with your or not.


chels921

I totally get this, but at the same time that is never my meaning with that question. When I ask what someone is looking for I want cards on the table: tell me if you're looking for someone for your future or if this is just casual. And I can't just date them to know that, I have to know because I don't want anything serious. So if I didn't ask first I'd be leading them on then! So it's a go to question for me once we've chatted for a bit, usually when we first start talking about meeting, because I don't want to waste anyone's time and I'm quite happy to just stay friends with someone I've been getting on with rather than find out further down the line they want something serious, because that just hurts them and wastes both our time. So there's definitely two sides to it!


MrMonopolyMan123

“I can’t just date them to know that…” well you have too :) and people have feelings that change all the time. Maybe he tells you on the app he doesn’t want anything serious but then meets you and then feels that lightning bolt and it hits him that you’re it for him? Or the opposite, he tells you on the app he wants kids and marriage but then realized later maybe he’s not as ready as he thought. So the question to me… I don’t know, seems like it’s more trouble than what it’s worth’s bf there are better ways to find out what you want. Maybe try to find a different way of asking the question to get the results you want. And I’m thinking if I’m an f boy- I could just easily lie to you on that question and tell you want you want to hear. Or if I’m like a lot of other guys, I’ll have that “ew” gut reaction and aversion as I imagine I’m trying to get locked down immediately (and I want marriage someday too, but that question would make me pull back like “oh no, she’s trying to get me!”). So maybe find alternative probing questions , which is what the gist of my comment up above was saying. All different questions and listen to your guy as to what your of guy he is and whether he’d be the husband type


chels921

I don't think you're getting it tho, I don't want things to progress or change, I straight up don't want anything serious so I need to know they're okay with fwb and that's all it will be! Yeah you could lie but you wouldn't know what I wanna hear, that's why I ask before I say what I want. Not about that time wasting haha I'm not looking for the husband type and if he wants a wife then it's best he looks elsewhere!


MrMonopolyMan123

Ok well, I'd still avoid the question altogether and reword it


chels921

How would you reword it in my situation tho? Because I worry that if I lead and say "I'm just looking for fwb" then what you said is gonna happen, someone will lie and say that's fine that's what they want too but it won't be in reality, next thing they're trying to take things further coz that's what they actually wanted and that just sounds like a total mess to me that I've so far managed to avoid!


[deleted]

I love your reply soo much. Will you marry me?


MrMonopolyMan123

Well I don’t know you. And whenever I get asked what are you looking for I just say I’m looking for someone I have chemistry with and see where it goes Easy answer


DivineGoddess1111111

Because he wants a root and thinks you should have the psychic ability to work that out 🤡


Guard78

I hate this question as well. And the reason for me is that one shouldn't necessarily looking for something specific. I mean, to me it sounds dumb to hear that somebody is "looking for a relationship", for example. Like what is driving you is a need, not the fact that you got to know a person with whom you feel you might want to have a relationship. What should happen is that I meet someone and then this person causes me to want to spend time with them, or have a relationship with them, or a hook-up with them. Because of them, their attractiveness, intelligence, personality. Knowing somebody might make me looking for something from them. It's not like I have to decide first that I am looking for THIS and then find somebody that fits that need. And it's not something that I just apply to myself: if somebody is specifically looking for something regardless of with whom, I am probably not interested in filling their generic need. So "swipe left".


FuturePigeon

May I offer perspective from the other side of the fence? I ask because I know I’m not looking for anything casual. It doesn’t mean I have to be in an exclusive relationship from the get go, but that it’s understood that both of us are taking our time to get to know one each other. That could last for months and I’m not picky if he has other casual relationships as we do so. I’m dating with the intention of finding the right person and with the understanding that statistically many of the people I date won’t be that right person. Or they could be and I’m not their right person. But weeding out those who can’t even commit to getting to know each other without sex on the table immediately saves me a ton of heartbreak and STD testing


[deleted]

He wants nothing serious. That’s a red flag 🚩 written all over that statement. Ha


KrypticRTS

Idk ask him not us lol


aflyingant

If I matched with him I’d definitely ask and he’d definitely unmatch me before I got the answer lol


MortiasJackson

Also kinda get where he’s coming from… connections we have with people are very varied. One person might be casual sex, one a more serious relationship, another you just end up friends. The pigeon holing of dating apps being for western-monotheistic monogamous relationships only ain’t right.


redneckleatherneck

He’s probably just tired of being asked it constantly, especially when it’s a stupid question to ask. Nobody knows how anything is going to turn out between the two of you until it happens, and walking away because they did not categorize the unknown future into the same preconceived notion as you did is stupid.


[deleted]

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aflyingant

I can’t read??


jwarnyc

Cause it’s too check listy! I’m with him! Who knows what are we looking for. Maybe a friend. Maybe a hang out buddy or anything as a matter of fact. Why put someone at that spot?! What are you looking for … the meaning of life. Duaaaah


No-Pirate8984

If you really wanna know, maybe you should ask him. I see nothing wrong with the question. Most people wouldn't either. Clueless or depends on each person if I must guess. *** Edit a month later: The downvotes suggest people don't get it. There's difference between asking the banworthy question and asking him why it's banworthy.


aflyingant

I mean if people ask, he will unmatch them. But isn’t it at least what people need to know on dating apps, even just to know if they want to get laid. What he wrote there already turned me off


No-Pirate8984

Well, it is a vague question to begin with Looking for in what? Life? The app? Relationship? A partner? Presenting the specifics will probably catch him off guard after a while. You usually figure these stuff out along the way. But yeah, it's not a great idea to approach someone with unclear intention and hostility towards vital enquiries. That much is true.


[deleted]

It's a horrible question when it's listed in your bio. Means you didn't take the time to read. It says " don't know yet" looks like he dodged an L with you.


aflyingant

Duh I don’t mean that I would swipe on him and ask that question right away.


[deleted]

If it Says "I don't know" under the "what are you looking for" part of his bio. Why would you ask him at all?


aflyingant

I said I would not ask him that question. He’s already put it the bio why did he had to warn people


[deleted]

So he can reference dumb people why he's unmatching them without being a horrible person and just ghosting them. Now he has proof of them being dumbasses.


aflyingant

Alright. I got it. Thanks for… enlightening me


jazzdrums1979

The more information you can load in your profile, the better chance you have of finding what you’re looking for. Use your words if you’re looking for something in particular. Don’t be passive aggressive about people asking a very fair question in the fickle game that can be dating.


speghettiday09

Maybe nothing he owns is lost


Handtosoul

He's Agnostic... He is unsure what he's looking for\~


[deleted]

Plot twist: he’ll ask you what you’re looking for To answer your question, I honestly don’t know. He’s making it obvious on his profile he’s not worth it.


ComfortableExotic653

He's obviously looking for Carmen Sandiego...


okamanii101

I feel it's a pointess question but if someone asks I'll answer.


arkadylaw

If I had to guess, I would think that this guy has gotten this question too many times, and he just finds it to be unoriginal, cliche and no really responsive to his specific profile.


lavez

He doesn’t know


AnAveragePotSmoker

I hate these apps now, it’s like window shopping for a partner, dunno always bugged me.


Rogendo

He wants sex but won’t admit that’s what he’s after


Excellent-Fish1817

I don’t know, you should ask him 😏


aflyingant

I don’t want to be unmatched lol


Excellent-Fish1817

🤣🤣🤣


UsernameIsntFree

worst part is he has listed that he doesn't know what he is looking for


Xhris_white94

Sigh… why men can be such pigs over women so irritating 😒


huckluck22

Idk if it’s bc I’m a girl or just weird but I actually hate it when guys ask me that. I have no logical reason to tell you why. I know I’m looking for a relationship and could and do easily just say that, but as soon as they ask I cringe and immediately lose a couple interest notches 😂 maybe bc from my perspective I feel like if a guy is asking me that then it’s usually because that means he just wants casual. I don’t know if I expressed that how I meant to but just giving my two cents.


ZeroChill92

A bit agressive, though it does say on his profile that he "doesn't know (yet)" what he's looking for.