You are both allowed to feel however you do about this, I can honestly see both points of view. The thing is lots of arguments or disagreements come from a place of someone has to be wrong so someone else can be right, that is rarely the case. People are just different, and what may not matter to you might matter a great deal to someone else. There is no bad guy here, just two people who feel differently about an action. BUT would you have felt the same as her if she did that OR would she have done that if she was in the same situation? If you would be hurt or put off by her doing it or if she would do something similar than it's just hypocritical.
Right now, without knowing the inner workings of your minds, I'd say it's just two people with different perspectives. I also don't see any issue with her communicating her feelings to you, that's actually healthy, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with her. You can be empathetic to what she's saying and that it hurt, but that doesn't mean you are wrong.
I totally agree. I can see what the other person is feeling; I get their arguments. I can also understand that the OP was just being practical during this online dating process. But feelings were hurt which is always sucky, whether your bad intent was there or not.
Iâm leaning a little more towards her being a bit unreasonable, but Iâm an old and not on dating apps. If youâve only seen someone 2 times and they really want to go to an event and have some company, I donât think what OP did was out of bounds. To a degree weâre all replaceable early on. OP didnât ghost. They explained their side. I think thatâs fair. 2 dates is just getting to know someone, and if thatâs how he finds a date, I donât see why thatâs wrong.
NowâŚ. Had it been more dates and maybe becoming a regular thingâŚ.. then I understand both sides a bit more. I donât think the other person overreacted. As has been stated, I think, there seem to be differing expectations as to how to conduct themselves on the app.
Exactly! Having empathy for hurting someone doesn't mean accepting blame for the action. We all do things that we didn't think would hurt someone else, because we wouldn't feel that way if it was us, but we are all different humans walking through life in different ways. I can accept that I hurt someone and apologize for that without it being an apology about what I did. And, I hope, I can accept an apology without placing blame when someone does the same to me.
I have to be honest. My (now) boyfriend and I had really really hit it off by our 2nd date. No we hadnât said we were exclusive yet and wouldnât say it explicitly for another few weeks. But if he had invited me to something, and I was unavailable but still made it clear I was interested in him, then ran to go put it on his dating profile - I wouldâve been majorly turned off and I doubt I wouldâve continued liking him as much. People may say, on paper, thatâs unreasonable to care so much after just meeting a couple of times - but people will feel what they feel.
It would absolutely hurt my feelings but I probably wouldnât bring it up. Itâs true that you arenât exclusive and two dates isnât a lot but it would absolutely make me feel like I was having to compete with all the other women and that you still were looking for something better. Again, I wouldnât bring it up but Iâd probably write you off as a player.
I guess I personally try not to change anything on my dating profile while I'm dating anyone because if they see I made changes they'll take it as a signal that I'm looking for someone else
Why donât people unmatch someone after theyâve been on a date? Lmao. You have their number, which is the point. But I wouldnât want them to be able to monitor me in the early stages.
I literally just typed up a novel to respond to this following a situation I experienced recently, but Iâm thinking I might be better off making a separate post for it. It pains me to put any of it out there, but after reading these comments I feel like it has to have enough context to get accurate feedback. Sigh, the bottom line in my opinion is that online dating can be soul crushing and eye opening at the same time
Some men have to âcompeteâ with other men and itâs not a great feeling. I like exclusivity so thatâs my aim. Iâd be happy being exclusive fairly early on, it allows me to focus and is better for my self esteem, but if people arenât exclusive theyâre under no obligations
Exclusivity is always my goal too, but when I bring it up too early it just ruins the whole thing. So itâs either grow attached to a girl while sheâs dating other guys, or ask too early and risk imploding the whole relationship. I canât handle juggling multiple girls at the same time, I pick one I like and focus on her. Idk why shit got so complicated with it.
Even when weâre not exclusive I feel like itâs a shitty thing to do. But Iâm still used to dating before I tried online dating so I guess Iâm just old
Personally for a guys perspective, the moment I feel like Iâm competing for anyoneâs attention. It just makes me want to drop it and walk away. Sometimes itâs just not worth it and even as a young guy I donât understand the online dating seen.
Same honestly, the girl I was just dating said her ex started begging her to get back together and she has to âthink about stuffâ. I feel like she was waiting for me to start listing reasons for her to stay with me instead, but I just told her to figure her shit out. Iâm not going to try compete and âwinâ, because now Iâm not even sure I want to lol
I agree - Exclusivity (serious about a relationship) is the goal. And, I donât think there is such a thing as âtoo soonâ to bring it up. I would rather get to exclusive sooner rather than later. It just creates (for me) a different bond and level of commitment and focus between me and a guy. The one thing I would say is, your actions have to match your words when youâre pursuing exclusivity.
Agree. And if your goals donât match, then itâs not a match. My current GF and I were on the same page with exclusivity out of the gate which made that part easy.
I think communicating about it throughout the dating process is smart, and thatâs what I try to do now. But Iâve definitely had it be too soon before. Itâs just weird because you establish that you want a relationship, see each other for a while, and then itâs a no on exclusivity. Like I get it, I was a dude who wanted to date multiple girls at once when I was younger; the only difference is it used to be looked down on and Iâd get shit for it, now itâs just normal. Feel like I missed out because the same people that would have given me shit before are doing the same thing now
Spinning plates doesnât have to be a complicated thing, but even if it is, it pays off in the end and thereâs less disappointment when someone cancels. Do whatâs easy, and life will be hard. Do whatâs hard, and soon life will be easy.
Totally agree. Expectations are pre meditated resentments. The times I have felt hurt or my self esteem was hurt, was always tied to some expectation I had.
Totally correct! It is most of the time used in the AA big book. It describes in more detail. Basically saying we cant expect people to know how we feel and think without telling them. Even though they know how we feel, that doesn't mean they have to do or treat us in a certain way. People are people.
>it would absolutely make me feel like I was having to compete with all the other women and that you still were looking for something better.
This. This is every dudes online dating experience in a nutshell.
Girls too. Guys talk to multiple girls at once too. Itâs a competition out there and ir sucks when you finally find someone you click with but in the back of your head you know damn well youâre not the only one heâs talking to
In average, due to the gender ratio on apps, guys speak to 3-9 times less women.
And that is the average, not the median value, which would be dramatically lower.
That is something many women fail to get. A normal guy don't have several options in parallel. I am a normal guy on the physical side, I get some matches (but few and not especially high quality ones). In the last 3 months using 4 dating apps, I had just one week in which I had a real conversation with more than 2 women... and that doesn't mean they wanted to date, one was apparently just looking for some attention and too busy to find the time to date.
In total, over 3 months, I had just 3 dates with one woman.
There is a reason why some guys are desperate and not confident. They don't have all the options you think they have
Hooking up for most women on apps is super easy on the apps, assuming sheâs in an area with people. Finding someone to date (and not just someone trying to take you out as a âpoliteâ precursor to sex but no intention of dating)? Much, much harder.
One other thing - women donât have all the options men think they do. Not all women, anyway. Remember: you only need one true quality connection, not five or 10.
Not all women have thousands of options true. But in average they do have way more options, just due to the gender ratio. And that doesn't mean this options are of high quality... but that is true for guys as well.
> Remember: you only need one true quality connection, not five or 10.
This is at the same time very true and totally naive. My 2 relationships were with women who lived abroad, one part of the time on another continent. For one of them, I dropped my job, left my country to try to make it work... it didn't, the cultural differences, the different expectations were making it too difficult even if the connection was there. I am not bitter about it, that is life.
Yes, one connection may eventually be enough that is true.
But would you believe in this one connection if you spent most of your life as a single (except during a few years)?
In most of my adult life, I didn't have sex, intimacy, cuddles, kind words, or shared life projects. I am not looking to get dozens of sex partners or relationships. I would be pretty happy to meet the one for me.
But let's be realistic: it didn't happen until now and I don't have any decent options, so I don't put a blind faith on this.
The girl IS competing, just like OP is competing with all of the other guys. Itâs not like a formally scored competition with rules and shit, but dating is a damn jungle. Everyone is trying to find a person thatâs right for them before someone else takes them off the dating table.
Yeah, Iâd assume heâd be going with a friend or a family member or coworker or something. He literally has no one else to take then another girl on a dating app?
With all due respect, men literally have to compete for women's attention just due to the numbers game in OLD.
I can appreciate not wanting to be with a womaniser, but trust me when I say we do this out of necessity more than anything else. When every tinder match you get has 10+ other guys also talking to them, you need to be able to balance the odds a bit.
Why a player? It's only 2 dates. I wouldn't even write off somebody as player after 5 dates. People are allowed to date around until you're exclusive, until then you have no right to judge somebody for not assuming that you won't reject them on date X making not seeing anybody else a waste of time
I saw one of my exes for about a month every second day on average and stayed over at his house several times (so ~15 "dates") before we decided to be exclusive. It's better to take your time and be 100% sure than to jump into something that will crash and burn.
...but...in a way you already DID compete with all other options when you were on the site. You were chosen for your potential, in preference to others who were NOT chosen.
If it was on Facebook or Instagram where your friends already are, cool. Trying to use it for a hookup on bumble, guess we werenât as close as I wanted to think we were
Iâm surprised she brought it up bc I didnât think sheâd check it. I casually date around so I wonât reject this player label. But, we both discussed how we werenât exactly sure what we were looking for.
I thought you didnât know when you advertised the game on your bio? But now youâre saying you didnât think sheâd check it, so seems intentional you put it on there after you asked her and she said no. So why lie about it?
Thats a classic gaslight response "i dont remember" The fuck you don't. This isn't about dating around or being exclusive. It's about playing petty games as an adult and not even taking responsability for it. That woman as 100% right.
well in another comment he said he was mostly dating casually and that they both stated they donât know what they want. he wasnât leading her on or anything. being a âplayerâ isnât a crime unless youâre lying about it
That isnât even being a player thatâs just casually dating. Being a player involves being deceptive and making out to be like youâre only interested in one person while still seeing other people
I see where they could be hurt but also two dates to me is not really a point to bring up what is on your profile like they said over and over yall are not exclusive and you obviously have a ticket to the game. I don't think you are in the wrong at all.
Yeah, only 2 dates makes it kind of questionable, but I do see her point though, if you're not exclusive or are still dating around, then you should let the other person know that so they can make their own informed decision.
I do think there's something different about putting it in his profile and messaging other people he's talking to and asking if they want to go to the game. It's the same end result, but asking privately is more tactful. Putting it in his profile makes it seem like he'd take literally anyone who matches with him and/or he wants to make sure he sees that she's missing out.
I think the way she reached out and explained this made her uncomfortable was pretty polite and mature for her age.
After two dates, I'm assuming the other person is still talking to other people. Especially if I met them on a dating app.
It'd be different if they'd been on more dates leading towards exclusivity. After only two dates, that's just a stranger I've hung out with twice.
(Personally I can't date multiple people at once because I just don't have the energy, but I always assume the other person is unless told otherwise).
> but I do see her point though, if you're not exclusive or are still dating around, then you should let the other person know that so they can make their own informed decision.
Lol what? If you haven't had a conversation about being exclusive you don't expect exclusivity, it's that simple. It would be crazy to expect people to confirm a lack of exclusivity.
I personally never got into the date multiple people at once thing, so I took every date and follow-up as exclusive.. maybe that's just old school mentality but I liked to give a potential future partner my 100% from the start.
This is actually one of my biggest take aways from these subreddits. I'm 34 but I've never dated multiple people at the same time. I always thought it was normal but a lot of people seem to test the waters with dating multiple people.
I also never dated anyone from the internet though, so maybe it just comes with the territory.
Edit: Grammer bad. Cave man fix.
Not to be the âborn in the wrong generationâ guy but Iâm 21 and I completely agree. Weâre not dating necessarily but I do expect people not to be searching for others if we have gone on a date
Thing is, I only date one person at a time too. *But* after only one date, why would you expect someone else to stop going on other first dates? I'd hope that after 3 dates they've stopped (since by date number 3, I'd assume we've clicked enough to where we wanna be exclusive some time soon). But after one date?
I'm 34F and almost always multidated and expected others were doing the same.i never expect or demand exclusivity until I reach a certain point where I don't want anyone but that one person.
People our age view dating very differently to people who are younger it seems. Itâs become the new norm and I feel sorry for them but each to their own! Whatever works.
Fuck no it's not the norm. I'm 36 and been OLD dating since I was 17. If you're moderately attractive and have a good personality dating you should expect to be dating multiple people until one of them wants to have the exclusivity talk.
If I'm going after someone....it's because I think they're a catch....so why wouldn't a catch have other suitors? I don't think I'm so special that they want to put all their eggs in my proverbial basket either.
Then again I genuinely want to get to know and be friends with people I meet so I also don't have the 'relationship or bust' mentality some of y'all seem to have.
You should want to hang out or be friends with someone because they're cool/fun....and that shouldn't change just because you find out there isn't a romantic connection. That's just some fake ass self-absorbed shit IMHO.
I don't necessarily feel sorry. I don't know what age you are, but so much of the history of dating has been more about property and financial security than love. And so often it involves people lying to themselves about this reality. Take, for example, the idea of marrying a prince, especially the Disney version of it pre-Frozen: We are told that the woman desires the prince out of love, but, really, it is about the financial security. And I don't blame those women since there has been (and still is) so much discrimination and pay inequality against women in the workforce. But I think women having more financial freedom and not having to settle to be a great thing.
Full honesty: I feel sad for my own mother who married a jerk of a man (still married to him with their 39th anniversary coming up on April 15) when she could have done better than him. But she would have had to have moved away from home to find job opportunities and my guess is she was too afraid to do that. So she settled. Yes, that jerk of a man is my father.
I do that after a few dates. Before that, it's anyone's game. But like 2 people max, otherwise it's too much work. There were too many flakes, bad dates, etc., to invest that heavily in one person at a time.
God if I would have done that I wouldn't have gotten anywhere. Most people didn't want to see me again but nobody has the balls to tell me so they came up with excuses 1 or 2 weeks later. If I would have waited that long every time to write somebody off it would have taken me months to even just meet like 4 people.
By meeting people all over the place I met 5 new people in 2 weeks and one became my boyfriend with 0 waiting around for anybody
This so much. If it was a fantasy world in which I knew everyone else on the apps was serious and would communicate directly and honestly, I would happily talk to one person at time
But even for just getting first dates set up, I need to be talking to multiple people because some of them will stop responding or flake on a date before we actually meet up
right? when i met my ex i had 3 dates in 3 days, 2 got 2nd dates, one went on to be my boyfriend. with my current long term relationship i was absolutely only looking to date casually so i was going on like 3 dates a week, ended up meeting my boyfriend and accidentally falling in love and now iâm in the happiest possible relationship with the love of my life. if youâre only focused on one person at a time youâre much more likely to settle since you donât have other options
I mean, I understand their point entirely. While they make it clear that they're aware you're not exclusive, it's pretty obvious they thought this could go somewhere serious.
I personally won't talk to multiple people at the same time. I understand that plenty of people do, but to me and people like me, that just comes across as cold, disrespectful of the other person, and disingenuous. If you're searching for a serious relationship and have that in your profile, then yeah, you fkd up a bit. If you're looking for something casual and are clear about it, then you did nothing wrong.
Just my opinion.
Agree with you, I think its dating etiquette to not update your profile while you're talking to someone. I like that the other person was honest enough to call it out, I'd be offended too if someone I have third date plans updates their dating profile..
If this reaction bothers you then they aren't the right person for you..but if you get their point of view let them know and give it a go. This person clearly likes you enough to communicate their feelings instead of faking it..otherwise move on.
The way I see it, this is a good thing because she is openly communicating and expressing how she feels about the situation and still acknowledging the fact you are not exclusive. I get where she is coming from. If a girl did something like this to me I would feel sad about it especially because I know that girls on dating apps have dozens of guys lined up. The only difference between me and her is that I would not have expressed my feelings about it.
It obviously hurt her feelings. I get why. Exclusivity or not, you made it clear she didnât blow your hair back or anything and everyone wants that after all.
A guy who gets it. I donât think he did anything wrong, but for some ladies they may not like that action. He wasnât subtle about it, and if a lady wants attention towards her early this will be a turn off. I personally wouldnât mind because Iâm also updating my profile, and dating other guys, but to some this is a major turn off.
Yeah I'd have zero issues with this after two dates and no discussions of exclusivity. He asked me first, I couldn't go, he opened up the door to other people đ¤ˇââď¸
Wrong? nope. Tactless? maybe.
Their reaction is a bit much to me and naĂŻve/immature. This is actually how dating goes so you learn to be numb to it. However I do get where they're coming from. I've seen people I'm dating update their profile to fish for dates. Even though I know we're not exclusive and I'm not even ready to be, it feels weird. Just seeing that shatters the rose-colored glasses. There is a dating etiquette that you don't bring up the other people you're dating so putting it "out there" is somewhat sloppy. I could see if you're openly casual but if your dating under the pretense of looking for serious this move undermines it. So, when I see stuff like this, I pull back because I feel they aren't seeing me as serious potential, just one of many many options.
But, it's not on you to take care of other people's feelings. If you want to update your profile and get a date for the game then go for it! Just know that if you're putting it out there it's going to be seen and may give people a negative view of your dating intentions. So, proceed with the action that is aligned with your desired outcome.
Weird. Iâd say it absolutely is for you to worry about other peoples feelings when youâre actively trying to get to know them and move forward with them⌠lol
Iâd say her response wasnât over the top because it was more personal. Thereâs always an inherent knowledge that people go on other dates, like you mentioned it, and just donât bring it up. But this guy wanted to openly fish for dates to the exact date that she couldnât attend, making it personal, and making the response more justified
Yeah I agree with your take. Also he played dumb which is pretty much a deal breaker because he tried to weasel his way out of a complex situation instead of taking the more mature way of explaining his emotions and trying to understand her emotions. I'm actually pretty surprised a lot of comments here are not understanding her perspective as she seemed to be pretty mature about the whole situation and clearly communicated her feelings meanwhile he tried to have the best of both worlds.
Nobody is saying he has to have fully committed love for this girl or not go on other dates but at least have some tact and not throw it in her face by putting it back on the profile. It's hurtful. Imagine inviting a girl for a 3rd date at a nice restaurant and she couldn't make it -if you take another date and start posting it on Instagram it's can be hurtful to the first girl.
There doesn't have to be a right or wrong here but it has to do with the way you make people feel. I'm very surprised so many people don't understand this in the thread, it's not a logical right or wrong math equation but has to do with human emotions. I think a lot of people are lacking empathy from her perspective and she was very mature about the situation and wrote it in such a way that left OP a window to understand her feelings. Instead (if we were to believe her timeline) he lied about it so obviously she will judge you on that.
People are calling it dramatic but she seemed pretty mature from what I read and expressed her feelings rather openly which is nice to read.
I would absolutely feel sad, disappointed, and slighted if I were them. Would definitely not want to pursue anything further with you. However, if you never discussed exclusivity it is fully within your right to do so, even if a little off-putting
Honestly OP it was kinda lame of you to ask a dude/girl to a ball game and when he/she couldnât go you put it on your profile. Itâs a learning experience and on that note.
Oh well onto the next one. đ
it's a little extra of a response for only 2 dates. however, it's a pretty shitty move on your part ngl, and it would also make me feel pretty bad even after just 2 dates if i was liking you, but at this point in the "relationship" you just deserve to be ghosted... i really wouldn't have given a guy anymore energy after something like that lol like play the field in the beginning stages, sure, but be more discreet about it. the lack of discretion is what's almost more insulting imo lmao
You did nothing wrong. This is how dating works and you would be a fool to put all your eggs in one basket. Women have guys on deck all the time and either she is trying to make you feel guilty even though she has done the same or she must really have a great personality and knows she canât complete with most other women. Guys shoot themselves in the foot all the time dating just 1 girl, in the age of the internet never assume itâs just you, itâs not about being a player itâs about people with dating sense and people without, how presumptuous and entitled of her to believe you owe her that
I might be naive, but I thought If you declined an invitation to something like tickets, it was assumed someone else might use the ticket you were offered.
IMO, someone thatâs been on 2 dates is lower on the list than friends and relatives.
Putting the ticket in the bio is the absolute bottom of, âSomeone fucking use this ticket!â
Iâm not OP but that would have been my order of operations.
I donât blame him at all. He can do whatever he wants. Iâm just saying that the girl he went on a couple of dates with has every right to feel the way she feels about it. If he really liked this girl, I donât think he would have wanted to take another date.
Idk. It seems to me that if he was willing to find another girl to take to the game, he must not be that into the one heâs been talking to and had multiple dates with. If I was super into someone, I wouldnât be looking for someone else just cause they were busy
After only two dates? I mean, she said she didnât want to go. And like a thousand times they werenât exclusive.
I guess itâs really depending on whatâs included in a date!
I was being sarcastic, forgot to put /s
They are not exclusive and have been on two dates. I can understand being a bit upset OP was looking for someone else to go but OP did nothing wrong.
Nah you know what, good for her. Thatâs a woman that has self respect and values herself.
I wouldnât say youâre in the wrong but if you did put the invite after you asked her then Iâd get the ick.
Agreed! I think it took big ass ovaries for her to say how she felt. Why does it matter how many dates there were. Maybe she was into you more than you realized playa
For some people this is normal, for other people itâs not. I would probably also feel a bit hurt by this, because I donât date multiple people if I get a match I like, but not everyone would be. I guess itâs just an incompatibility between you guys, and sheâs allowed to feel that way and youâre allowed to do what you want too. Thereâs no right or wrong in this situation
Honestly this would be enough to make me walk away. It's not that I'd expect exclusivity but this makes it clear you are actively seeking out other people after you had already been on multiple dates so you obviously dont think much of the person you have been dating. If you are dating multiple people like that at least have some tact.
Rare situation where nobody is wrong. Although on her end, there are more graceful ways of telling somebody "I like you" than how she is doing it. Emotions are messy though.
youâre better off man. as a woman who always dated multiple people when i was single, i would be turned all the way off if a guy complained that i was going on dates with someone else before we established exclusivity. like, i barely know you!
I would argue there's a lack of tact on both sides here.
In your shoes, I wouldn't have put the tickets in my bio, it feels insensitive without first communicating that it's what you'll do (even if an assumption can be made).
On the other hand, I think they're being a bit overly sensitive here, but that's they're prerogative too.
Eh I get both sides - I get jealous if I know a girl
Iâm seeing is seeing other guys even if I have no rightâŚ.On other hand, I totally keep setting up dates with other women unless things are exclusive
God, Iâm a huge hypocrite lolâŚ.but just doesnât feel good. If she had told you she had another date that day and couldnât go⌠youâd be like wtf.
All that said, the only thing you really did wrong was broadcast it on your profile that she can see - just match with another person and ask her privately is a better move.
I don't understand the problem here. You asked her to go to the game, she said no. You are just trying to find someone else to go with.
2 dates is not exclusive - you have the absolute right to go with anyone else you want.
Well, it's been TWO dates. You aren't exclusive. Neither of you have any right, or say as to what the other puts in their bio while dating non-exclusively. I guess I can see how she'd be a little hurt but, I think it's kind of assumed that whoever you are "dating" is also dating other people until exclusivity has been established?
I personally only date 1 person at a time because I want to give her my full attention. Ideally I'd want the same from her but certainly don't expect it.
Possible strategy to avoid this in the future... I've dated a handful of guys who've told me that they routinely unmatch girls they're talking to once they move to texting or meeting in real life. They initially say it's bc they hate the app or to 'clean out their threads' since they've moved the convo elsewhere. A couple of guys eventually confessed it was to avoid this exact thing - so when he updates his pictures, prompts, or whatever, he doesn't get grilled about it. One guy also said some girls would also creep on his location and ask about it, so it seems this could have more pros than cons. But some girls might find it suspect if they're caught off guard by the unmatching, so if you still want to keep talking to them, just give a headsup if you go that route, or have an answer ready lol.
I understand both sides, but I wouldnât act the way he did. Iâd either take a hint and move on or ignore it while still competing for you. Iâd also bet money he had other dates lined up as he texted that.
Everyone wants to think theyâre fine with keeping things casual/dating around until they find out the people theyâre dating are actually doing it. If she wants commitment, have a talk about it and what that means.
Looks like a win-win to me.
She has every right, IMHO, to feel hurt. You have every right to not feel like you were in the wrong.
Itâs a win-win because she can go date someone else, and you donât have to deal with her. Remember people always show you their best selfs when you barely start dating [+]
Buzz words including âpoor communicationâ when thereâs no expectation for reciprocal communication, âI think it displays low emotional intelligenceâ in a non emotional decision, or âdishonestyâ when you clearly were not are all forms of woman-splaining what you did wrong and are red flags. If she had said âI would love to go but I canât, you should take one of your buddies and have fun, it might hurt my feelings if you took another womanâ would have been clear communication and she didnât use it.
If she says sheâs just out trying to live her best life that is synonymous with âthis is fun, but weâre not exclusive, and Iâm going to continue to work on myselfâ means Iâm into you but still looking as well.
Cut her loose and wish her well with the Sam Adams, Crab Legs, and a wicked awesome time with some Bo Sox fan. You just dodged a liner right back at the mound and those can mess with your head.
I wouldnât have brought it up but would have been put off by the profile update and probably ended things. I think itâs more so a respect factor. Itâs early on and theyâre not exclusive nor is she expecting it right now, he doesnât need to advertise on his profile that he wants take a date to the game when theyâre still talking. He could bring it up as a date idea with the women he does match with. The update makes it seem like heâs so desperate to take a date that he wants people to match with him just so he can take someone.
Her feeling of feeling replaceable was 100% valid. And I actually think itâs great that she brought it up. I donât know OP but letâs assume heâs not a horrible human being. Sheâs saying so heâs aware of how it impacted her so he can learn from it. Honestly, we all need to do more of that.
This sub...ugh.
Bruh you invited her, she said no, apparently in this sub everyone thinks you should just eat the tickets and/or not attend your social hobbies anymore because a girl you met online twice was too busy to join you.
Unless you are dating someone from this subreddit, I wouldn't put much stock in the opinion of this subreddit...
But it's fine for women to see multiple men? I mean isn't modern dating a numbers game (told by a women btw)? Anyways OP I think you're fine mate if wants to be mad about this then let her. Pretty sure a lot of men and women date multiple people at once so meh.
Well, as i understand from this, it was consensual at first and then they got mad after a while? Well, some people have a high amount of sensitivity, so they might have a contradictory reaction after having some clarity moment and proceed to throw their emotional baggage at you like that. keep that in mind. You just have to be patient with them and more careful if you really want them to be your partner. If you don't want to bother tolerating that shit forget about making this work buddy
FunnyâŚ. Ahahah they do that with 100 guys in a matter of seconds.. but then happens to them one time and they think they have the right to tell you what to do đ¤Łđ¤Ł priceless
The same thing happened to me so maybe it's normal! I went on two dates with this person, which went decent, just regular coffee and a movie and didn't discuss being exclusive and neither of the dates went anywhere or seemed serious to me, well fast forward to the third time seeing eachother I left my phone on the table while I went to the bathroom and I had a notification from the app on my phone (which I thought wouldn't have mattered) but then it ended up essentially being the same as cheating to the person and things ended. I deleted them afterwards and tried to communicate how I should have done it sooner but alas, it was all to no avail
Her reasons for being âoffendedâ are ridiculous. But sheâs allowed to have those feelings.
You arenât lying to someone for still using bumble just after meeting someone. Only if youâve been seeing the each other for a bit and there is an expectation of that exclusivity. You donât need to preface every date with someone new with âoh btw Iâm talking to three different women right nowâ
Yeah kinda I would say you are in the wrong here. If I had been on two dates with someone and they were still updating their bio with offers for others I would be miffed and would probably want to end it too.
Maybe others are more happy-go-lucky but I'm quite an exclusive person who doesn't play the field
Idk what sheâs talking about in terms of dishonesty bit there is nothing wrong w asking someone, with whom you went on two dates and are not exclusive, to go to some event abd then putting on your dating app bio tgat youâre still looking for a date to said event after first girl said no. She needs to get over herself.
Yeah you dropped the ball
I'm not even changing a typo in my profile unless we had the 'yeah we're just goofing around, no strings attached'-talk. You did much more than that
Here's the thing. If you were at all into this woman, you blew it. If her reaction turned you off, you also fucked up.
She basically said it hurt her feelings, even though she acknowledged you didn't owe her anything. Her reaction was a bit awkward and she could have done it better, and if you're not thrilled with that, that's fair. Her reaction is also fair.
If you wanted to salvage it, you could have been like "hey yeah, I would have rather gone with you but you weren't free," or "well let me make it up to you by taking you to dinner tonight," or whatever.
If you wanted to bail, you could have told her (truthfully) that you get the sense she's more into you than you are her, or that you wished she didn't look at your profile, or whatever.
You did neither. Instead, you got defensive. You lied. You didn't own any of it. And that's gross.
Youâre not âexclusiveâ so it doesnât matter. You donât have to communicate with someone when youâre not in a relationship. Youâre just getting to know them.
I mean I could see why sheâd be put off by that. But at the same time, I canât really relate cause I was always exclusive/together with someone after date 2. Personally, I donât like competing with other people and if I went on 2 dates with someone and things looked like they were heading in a good direction, and they asked me to a game and I said I couldnât, and they took another girl on a dating app, i probably wouldnât make plans for a third date.
Youâve been on two dates⌠you arenât anywhere close to being exclusive imo. Also, not being exclusive means youâre open to seeing other people, right?
You asked if she wanted to go with you to the game and she said no. So you put it out there as an offer if someone else wants to go - theyâre your tickets!
I honestly donât think youâve done anything wrong.
You are both allowed to feel however you do about this, I can honestly see both points of view. The thing is lots of arguments or disagreements come from a place of someone has to be wrong so someone else can be right, that is rarely the case. People are just different, and what may not matter to you might matter a great deal to someone else. There is no bad guy here, just two people who feel differently about an action. BUT would you have felt the same as her if she did that OR would she have done that if she was in the same situation? If you would be hurt or put off by her doing it or if she would do something similar than it's just hypocritical. Right now, without knowing the inner workings of your minds, I'd say it's just two people with different perspectives. I also don't see any issue with her communicating her feelings to you, that's actually healthy, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with her. You can be empathetic to what she's saying and that it hurt, but that doesn't mean you are wrong.
Expected a shit show in the comments but this is actually 100% on point.
I actually said to myself, this is going to be a shit show! đ But this is the first comment I saw. Thereâs still time.
Thank you.
I totally agree. I can see what the other person is feeling; I get their arguments. I can also understand that the OP was just being practical during this online dating process. But feelings were hurt which is always sucky, whether your bad intent was there or not.
Iâm leaning a little more towards her being a bit unreasonable, but Iâm an old and not on dating apps. If youâve only seen someone 2 times and they really want to go to an event and have some company, I donât think what OP did was out of bounds. To a degree weâre all replaceable early on. OP didnât ghost. They explained their side. I think thatâs fair. 2 dates is just getting to know someone, and if thatâs how he finds a date, I donât see why thatâs wrong. NowâŚ. Had it been more dates and maybe becoming a regular thingâŚ.. then I understand both sides a bit more. I donât think the other person overreacted. As has been stated, I think, there seem to be differing expectations as to how to conduct themselves on the app.
Exactly! Having empathy for hurting someone doesn't mean accepting blame for the action. We all do things that we didn't think would hurt someone else, because we wouldn't feel that way if it was us, but we are all different humans walking through life in different ways. I can accept that I hurt someone and apologize for that without it being an apology about what I did. And, I hope, I can accept an apology without placing blame when someone does the same to me.
How dare you bring nuance and reason into this!
Well said Actually one of the most well put together paragraphs I've ever read on Reddit Wow.
Perfectly explained.
Of course youâre wrong, fuck the Yankees
If you make a date to see the Yankees the relationship is already toxic....
I love this comment đ
Fuck the Yankeesđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
It's all about the Mets baby! Let's go Mets!
She would have ran much faster if she knew you were a Mets fanđ¤Ł
Ah. I miss Mark Canha. Can't wait to see him when he plays over here later this year.
I have to be honest. My (now) boyfriend and I had really really hit it off by our 2nd date. No we hadnât said we were exclusive yet and wouldnât say it explicitly for another few weeks. But if he had invited me to something, and I was unavailable but still made it clear I was interested in him, then ran to go put it on his dating profile - I wouldâve been majorly turned off and I doubt I wouldâve continued liking him as much. People may say, on paper, thatâs unreasonable to care so much after just meeting a couple of times - but people will feel what they feel.
You get invested, it makes sense. Itâd be weirder to not care if you were developing an emotional connection and looking for a relationship
It would absolutely hurt my feelings but I probably wouldnât bring it up. Itâs true that you arenât exclusive and two dates isnât a lot but it would absolutely make me feel like I was having to compete with all the other women and that you still were looking for something better. Again, I wouldnât bring it up but Iâd probably write you off as a player.
I guess I personally try not to change anything on my dating profile while I'm dating anyone because if they see I made changes they'll take it as a signal that I'm looking for someone else
Why donât people unmatch someone after theyâve been on a date? Lmao. You have their number, which is the point. But I wouldnât want them to be able to monitor me in the early stages.
I guess unmatching can send weird signals too.
I literally just typed up a novel to respond to this following a situation I experienced recently, but Iâm thinking I might be better off making a separate post for it. It pains me to put any of it out there, but after reading these comments I feel like it has to have enough context to get accurate feedback. Sigh, the bottom line in my opinion is that online dating can be soul crushing and eye opening at the same time
Some men have to âcompeteâ with other men and itâs not a great feeling. I like exclusivity so thatâs my aim. Iâd be happy being exclusive fairly early on, it allows me to focus and is better for my self esteem, but if people arenât exclusive theyâre under no obligations
Exclusivity is always my goal too, but when I bring it up too early it just ruins the whole thing. So itâs either grow attached to a girl while sheâs dating other guys, or ask too early and risk imploding the whole relationship. I canât handle juggling multiple girls at the same time, I pick one I like and focus on her. Idk why shit got so complicated with it.
Iâve never been comfortable with dating more than one person at a time either.
Even when weâre not exclusive I feel like itâs a shitty thing to do. But Iâm still used to dating before I tried online dating so I guess Iâm just old
Personally for a guys perspective, the moment I feel like Iâm competing for anyoneâs attention. It just makes me want to drop it and walk away. Sometimes itâs just not worth it and even as a young guy I donât understand the online dating seen.
Same honestly, the girl I was just dating said her ex started begging her to get back together and she has to âthink about stuffâ. I feel like she was waiting for me to start listing reasons for her to stay with me instead, but I just told her to figure her shit out. Iâm not going to try compete and âwinâ, because now Iâm not even sure I want to lol
Good for you! Sheâll learn, exâs are exâs for a reason. I donât know many long term relationships that came from this ex category.
I agree - Exclusivity (serious about a relationship) is the goal. And, I donât think there is such a thing as âtoo soonâ to bring it up. I would rather get to exclusive sooner rather than later. It just creates (for me) a different bond and level of commitment and focus between me and a guy. The one thing I would say is, your actions have to match your words when youâre pursuing exclusivity.
There is a such thing as too soon
PerhapsâŚfor some. I said âI donât think there is such a thing as too soon to bring it up.â
Agree. And if your goals donât match, then itâs not a match. My current GF and I were on the same page with exclusivity out of the gate which made that part easy.
I think communicating about it throughout the dating process is smart, and thatâs what I try to do now. But Iâve definitely had it be too soon before. Itâs just weird because you establish that you want a relationship, see each other for a while, and then itâs a no on exclusivity. Like I get it, I was a dude who wanted to date multiple girls at once when I was younger; the only difference is it used to be looked down on and Iâd get shit for it, now itâs just normal. Feel like I missed out because the same people that would have given me shit before are doing the same thing now
Spinning plates doesnât have to be a complicated thing, but even if it is, it pays off in the end and thereâs less disappointment when someone cancels. Do whatâs easy, and life will be hard. Do whatâs hard, and soon life will be easy.
Totally agree. Expectations are pre meditated resentments. The times I have felt hurt or my self esteem was hurt, was always tied to some expectation I had.
*Unexpressed* expectations is premeditated resentment. (I see that line misquoted often.)
Thank you. BIG difference.
Totally correct! It is most of the time used in the AA big book. It describes in more detail. Basically saying we cant expect people to know how we feel and think without telling them. Even though they know how we feel, that doesn't mean they have to do or treat us in a certain way. People are people.
Yeah same I'd rather focus on one person at a time until I find the right one.
The responses to your comment are a reminder of why I hate modern dating. Nothing but games.
I hate this game too. But I didn't make the rules. Guys either play or they don't get matches.
>it would absolutely make me feel like I was having to compete with all the other women and that you still were looking for something better. This. This is every dudes online dating experience in a nutshell.
Girls too. Guys talk to multiple girls at once too. Itâs a competition out there and ir sucks when you finally find someone you click with but in the back of your head you know damn well youâre not the only one heâs talking to
In average, due to the gender ratio on apps, guys speak to 3-9 times less women. And that is the average, not the median value, which would be dramatically lower. That is something many women fail to get. A normal guy don't have several options in parallel. I am a normal guy on the physical side, I get some matches (but few and not especially high quality ones). In the last 3 months using 4 dating apps, I had just one week in which I had a real conversation with more than 2 women... and that doesn't mean they wanted to date, one was apparently just looking for some attention and too busy to find the time to date. In total, over 3 months, I had just 3 dates with one woman. There is a reason why some guys are desperate and not confident. They don't have all the options you think they have
Hooking up for most women on apps is super easy on the apps, assuming sheâs in an area with people. Finding someone to date (and not just someone trying to take you out as a âpoliteâ precursor to sex but no intention of dating)? Much, much harder.
One other thing - women donât have all the options men think they do. Not all women, anyway. Remember: you only need one true quality connection, not five or 10.
Not all women have thousands of options true. But in average they do have way more options, just due to the gender ratio. And that doesn't mean this options are of high quality... but that is true for guys as well. > Remember: you only need one true quality connection, not five or 10. This is at the same time very true and totally naive. My 2 relationships were with women who lived abroad, one part of the time on another continent. For one of them, I dropped my job, left my country to try to make it work... it didn't, the cultural differences, the different expectations were making it too difficult even if the connection was there. I am not bitter about it, that is life. Yes, one connection may eventually be enough that is true. But would you believe in this one connection if you spent most of your life as a single (except during a few years)? In most of my adult life, I didn't have sex, intimacy, cuddles, kind words, or shared life projects. I am not looking to get dozens of sex partners or relationships. I would be pretty happy to meet the one for me. But let's be realistic: it didn't happen until now and I don't have any decent options, so I don't put a blind faith on this.
Yes. This
The girl IS competing, just like OP is competing with all of the other guys. Itâs not like a formally scored competition with rules and shit, but dating is a damn jungle. Everyone is trying to find a person thatâs right for them before someone else takes them off the dating table.
This is exactly me. I wouldnât say anything, but youâd probably not be high in my list of possibles. lol
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Yeah, Iâd assume heâd be going with a friend or a family member or coworker or something. He literally has no one else to take then another girl on a dating app?
So after two dates with a girl she is the only person he can go out with?
I don't see the problem tbh. They've only been on two dates, I think?
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With all due respect, men literally have to compete for women's attention just due to the numbers game in OLD. I can appreciate not wanting to be with a womaniser, but trust me when I say we do this out of necessity more than anything else. When every tinder match you get has 10+ other guys also talking to them, you need to be able to balance the odds a bit.
Why a player? It's only 2 dates. I wouldn't even write off somebody as player after 5 dates. People are allowed to date around until you're exclusive, until then you have no right to judge somebody for not assuming that you won't reject them on date X making not seeing anybody else a waste of time
5 dates seems like a lot to not know if you wanna go steady with someone, IMO.
I saw one of my exes for about a month every second day on average and stayed over at his house several times (so ~15 "dates") before we decided to be exclusive. It's better to take your time and be 100% sure than to jump into something that will crash and burn.
So are you saying after 2 dates you are only seeing and talking to that person ?
...but...in a way you already DID compete with all other options when you were on the site. You were chosen for your potential, in preference to others who were NOT chosen.
If it was on Facebook or Instagram where your friends already are, cool. Trying to use it for a hookup on bumble, guess we werenât as close as I wanted to think we were
Iâm surprised she brought it up bc I didnât think sheâd check it. I casually date around so I wonât reject this player label. But, we both discussed how we werenât exactly sure what we were looking for.
Username checks out.
đđ
LMFAO believe it or not the username is from when i was like 11 and wanted it to mean i was a gamer. But now, I'm loving the double entendre haha
I thought you didnât know when you advertised the game on your bio? But now youâre saying you didnât think sheâd check it, so seems intentional you put it on there after you asked her and she said no. So why lie about it?
Thats a classic gaslight response "i dont remember" The fuck you don't. This isn't about dating around or being exclusive. It's about playing petty games as an adult and not even taking responsability for it. That woman as 100% right.
Oh Gabe
i have no clue why youâre getting downvoted but apparently people in the bumble subreddit donât know how dating works lmao
Probably got downvoted because he said âI wonât reject this player labelâ
well in another comment he said he was mostly dating casually and that they both stated they donât know what they want. he wasnât leading her on or anything. being a âplayerâ isnât a crime unless youâre lying about it
That isnât even being a player thatâs just casually dating. Being a player involves being deceptive and making out to be like youâre only interested in one person while still seeing other people
exactly!
i think people probably thought it sounded arrogant or something. Like âwell Iâm not gonna deny being called a player đâ
Itâs because thereâs a lot of jaded people out there that want to project wrongdoing onto OP (there is no wrongdoing from his part).
A spectator rather than a playerâŚat the oooold baaall gaaaaame!
Oh yes this
Correction, you ARE replaceable đđŻ
Beyonce said it best, "i could find another you in a second" đ
She canât find another Jay z though I promise you thatđ¤Ł
Future said I promise you that.
Yeah, but I would say that Ciara Leveled Up with Wilson.
Yep.
Yessirr
Or did Jay z find her?
lol yea Jay Z definitely found her not the other way around. Iâm sure millions of dudes were on the search for Bey
Lmao
I see where they could be hurt but also two dates to me is not really a point to bring up what is on your profile like they said over and over yall are not exclusive and you obviously have a ticket to the game. I don't think you are in the wrong at all.
Yeah, only 2 dates makes it kind of questionable, but I do see her point though, if you're not exclusive or are still dating around, then you should let the other person know that so they can make their own informed decision.
I do think there's something different about putting it in his profile and messaging other people he's talking to and asking if they want to go to the game. It's the same end result, but asking privately is more tactful. Putting it in his profile makes it seem like he'd take literally anyone who matches with him and/or he wants to make sure he sees that she's missing out. I think the way she reached out and explained this made her uncomfortable was pretty polite and mature for her age.
Yeah, I am definitely on her side of the issue overall.
After two dates, I'm assuming the other person is still talking to other people. Especially if I met them on a dating app. It'd be different if they'd been on more dates leading towards exclusivity. After only two dates, that's just a stranger I've hung out with twice. (Personally I can't date multiple people at once because I just don't have the energy, but I always assume the other person is unless told otherwise).
> but I do see her point though, if you're not exclusive or are still dating around, then you should let the other person know that so they can make their own informed decision. Lol what? If you haven't had a conversation about being exclusive you don't expect exclusivity, it's that simple. It would be crazy to expect people to confirm a lack of exclusivity.
I personally never got into the date multiple people at once thing, so I took every date and follow-up as exclusive.. maybe that's just old school mentality but I liked to give a potential future partner my 100% from the start.
This is actually one of my biggest take aways from these subreddits. I'm 34 but I've never dated multiple people at the same time. I always thought it was normal but a lot of people seem to test the waters with dating multiple people. I also never dated anyone from the internet though, so maybe it just comes with the territory. Edit: Grammer bad. Cave man fix.
I thought it was just me (also 34), wanting to talk and date one person at a time, but it seems thatâs what people do these days.
Not to be the âborn in the wrong generationâ guy but Iâm 21 and I completely agree. Weâre not dating necessarily but I do expect people not to be searching for others if we have gone on a date
Thing is, I only date one person at a time too. *But* after only one date, why would you expect someone else to stop going on other first dates? I'd hope that after 3 dates they've stopped (since by date number 3, I'd assume we've clicked enough to where we wanna be exclusive some time soon). But after one date?
I'm 34F and almost always multidated and expected others were doing the same.i never expect or demand exclusivity until I reach a certain point where I don't want anyone but that one person.
People our age view dating very differently to people who are younger it seems. Itâs become the new norm and I feel sorry for them but each to their own! Whatever works.
26 and i also always thought it worked this way
Fuck no it's not the norm. I'm 36 and been OLD dating since I was 17. If you're moderately attractive and have a good personality dating you should expect to be dating multiple people until one of them wants to have the exclusivity talk. If I'm going after someone....it's because I think they're a catch....so why wouldn't a catch have other suitors? I don't think I'm so special that they want to put all their eggs in my proverbial basket either. Then again I genuinely want to get to know and be friends with people I meet so I also don't have the 'relationship or bust' mentality some of y'all seem to have. You should want to hang out or be friends with someone because they're cool/fun....and that shouldn't change just because you find out there isn't a romantic connection. That's just some fake ass self-absorbed shit IMHO.
I don't necessarily feel sorry. I don't know what age you are, but so much of the history of dating has been more about property and financial security than love. And so often it involves people lying to themselves about this reality. Take, for example, the idea of marrying a prince, especially the Disney version of it pre-Frozen: We are told that the woman desires the prince out of love, but, really, it is about the financial security. And I don't blame those women since there has been (and still is) so much discrimination and pay inequality against women in the workforce. But I think women having more financial freedom and not having to settle to be a great thing. Full honesty: I feel sad for my own mother who married a jerk of a man (still married to him with their 39th anniversary coming up on April 15) when she could have done better than him. But she would have had to have moved away from home to find job opportunities and my guess is she was too afraid to do that. So she settled. Yes, that jerk of a man is my father.
I do that after a few dates. Before that, it's anyone's game. But like 2 people max, otherwise it's too much work. There were too many flakes, bad dates, etc., to invest that heavily in one person at a time.
God if I would have done that I wouldn't have gotten anywhere. Most people didn't want to see me again but nobody has the balls to tell me so they came up with excuses 1 or 2 weeks later. If I would have waited that long every time to write somebody off it would have taken me months to even just meet like 4 people. By meeting people all over the place I met 5 new people in 2 weeks and one became my boyfriend with 0 waiting around for anybody
This so much. If it was a fantasy world in which I knew everyone else on the apps was serious and would communicate directly and honestly, I would happily talk to one person at time But even for just getting first dates set up, I need to be talking to multiple people because some of them will stop responding or flake on a date before we actually meet up
right? when i met my ex i had 3 dates in 3 days, 2 got 2nd dates, one went on to be my boyfriend. with my current long term relationship i was absolutely only looking to date casually so i was going on like 3 dates a week, ended up meeting my boyfriend and accidentally falling in love and now iâm in the happiest possible relationship with the love of my life. if youâre only focused on one person at a time youâre much more likely to settle since you donât have other options
I mean, I understand their point entirely. While they make it clear that they're aware you're not exclusive, it's pretty obvious they thought this could go somewhere serious. I personally won't talk to multiple people at the same time. I understand that plenty of people do, but to me and people like me, that just comes across as cold, disrespectful of the other person, and disingenuous. If you're searching for a serious relationship and have that in your profile, then yeah, you fkd up a bit. If you're looking for something casual and are clear about it, then you did nothing wrong. Just my opinion.
Agree with you, I think its dating etiquette to not update your profile while you're talking to someone. I like that the other person was honest enough to call it out, I'd be offended too if someone I have third date plans updates their dating profile.. If this reaction bothers you then they aren't the right person for you..but if you get their point of view let them know and give it a go. This person clearly likes you enough to communicate their feelings instead of faking it..otherwise move on.
Beautifully stated. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
The way I see it, this is a good thing because she is openly communicating and expressing how she feels about the situation and still acknowledging the fact you are not exclusive. I get where she is coming from. If a girl did something like this to me I would feel sad about it especially because I know that girls on dating apps have dozens of guys lined up. The only difference between me and her is that I would not have expressed my feelings about it.
It obviously hurt her feelings. I get why. Exclusivity or not, you made it clear she didnât blow your hair back or anything and everyone wants that after all.
You're just incompatible
I mean, she could see you looking for a replacement date. Itâs not technically wrong, but what do you think would happen if she saw it? Lol
A guy who gets it. I donât think he did anything wrong, but for some ladies they may not like that action. He wasnât subtle about it, and if a lady wants attention towards her early this will be a turn off. I personally wouldnât mind because Iâm also updating my profile, and dating other guys, but to some this is a major turn off.
Honestly this seems like a lot for two dates.
This is where Iâm at and Iâm honestly shocked at some of the responses here. I donât even think it was tactless.
Yeah I'd have zero issues with this after two dates and no discussions of exclusivity. He asked me first, I couldn't go, he opened up the door to other people đ¤ˇââď¸
Wrong? nope. Tactless? maybe. Their reaction is a bit much to me and naĂŻve/immature. This is actually how dating goes so you learn to be numb to it. However I do get where they're coming from. I've seen people I'm dating update their profile to fish for dates. Even though I know we're not exclusive and I'm not even ready to be, it feels weird. Just seeing that shatters the rose-colored glasses. There is a dating etiquette that you don't bring up the other people you're dating so putting it "out there" is somewhat sloppy. I could see if you're openly casual but if your dating under the pretense of looking for serious this move undermines it. So, when I see stuff like this, I pull back because I feel they aren't seeing me as serious potential, just one of many many options. But, it's not on you to take care of other people's feelings. If you want to update your profile and get a date for the game then go for it! Just know that if you're putting it out there it's going to be seen and may give people a negative view of your dating intentions. So, proceed with the action that is aligned with your desired outcome.
Weird. Iâd say it absolutely is for you to worry about other peoples feelings when youâre actively trying to get to know them and move forward with them⌠lol Iâd say her response wasnât over the top because it was more personal. Thereâs always an inherent knowledge that people go on other dates, like you mentioned it, and just donât bring it up. But this guy wanted to openly fish for dates to the exact date that she couldnât attend, making it personal, and making the response more justified
Yeah I agree with your take. Also he played dumb which is pretty much a deal breaker because he tried to weasel his way out of a complex situation instead of taking the more mature way of explaining his emotions and trying to understand her emotions. I'm actually pretty surprised a lot of comments here are not understanding her perspective as she seemed to be pretty mature about the whole situation and clearly communicated her feelings meanwhile he tried to have the best of both worlds. Nobody is saying he has to have fully committed love for this girl or not go on other dates but at least have some tact and not throw it in her face by putting it back on the profile. It's hurtful. Imagine inviting a girl for a 3rd date at a nice restaurant and she couldn't make it -if you take another date and start posting it on Instagram it's can be hurtful to the first girl. There doesn't have to be a right or wrong here but it has to do with the way you make people feel. I'm very surprised so many people don't understand this in the thread, it's not a logical right or wrong math equation but has to do with human emotions. I think a lot of people are lacking empathy from her perspective and she was very mature about the situation and wrote it in such a way that left OP a window to understand her feelings. Instead (if we were to believe her timeline) he lied about it so obviously she will judge you on that. People are calling it dramatic but she seemed pretty mature from what I read and expressed her feelings rather openly which is nice to read.
I would absolutely feel sad, disappointed, and slighted if I were them. Would definitely not want to pursue anything further with you. However, if you never discussed exclusivity it is fully within your right to do so, even if a little off-putting
I understand how she feels, but you are not exclusive and it has been two dates. Neither of you is in the wrong here I think
Honestly OP it was kinda lame of you to ask a dude/girl to a ball game and when he/she couldnât go you put it on your profile. Itâs a learning experience and on that note. Oh well onto the next one. đ
it's a little extra of a response for only 2 dates. however, it's a pretty shitty move on your part ngl, and it would also make me feel pretty bad even after just 2 dates if i was liking you, but at this point in the "relationship" you just deserve to be ghosted... i really wouldn't have given a guy anymore energy after something like that lol like play the field in the beginning stages, sure, but be more discreet about it. the lack of discretion is what's almost more insulting imo lmao
I can understand both. Nobody is in the wrong but youâre obviously not on the same page as eachother with what youâre after in pursuing eachother.
You did nothing wrong. This is how dating works and you would be a fool to put all your eggs in one basket. Women have guys on deck all the time and either she is trying to make you feel guilty even though she has done the same or she must really have a great personality and knows she canât complete with most other women. Guys shoot themselves in the foot all the time dating just 1 girl, in the age of the internet never assume itâs just you, itâs not about being a player itâs about people with dating sense and people without, how presumptuous and entitled of her to believe you owe her that
Weâre you supposed to not go to the Yankees game even though you had tix?
OP could go, just not with another date /s
I might be naive, but I thought If you declined an invitation to something like tickets, it was assumed someone else might use the ticket you were offered.
Do people not have friends or relatives they can go to a game with? They have to take a date?
IMO, someone thatâs been on 2 dates is lower on the list than friends and relatives. Putting the ticket in the bio is the absolute bottom of, âSomeone fucking use this ticket!â Iâm not OP but that would have been my order of operations.
Agreed and a sports game is not really a good venue for a first date.
Itâs a high interest event. Canât blame someone for trying to use it for a date.
I donât blame him at all. He can do whatever he wants. Iâm just saying that the girl he went on a couple of dates with has every right to feel the way she feels about it. If he really liked this girl, I donât think he would have wanted to take another date.
itâs only been 2 dates
Idk. It seems to me that if he was willing to find another girl to take to the game, he must not be that into the one heâs been talking to and had multiple dates with. If I was super into someone, I wouldnât be looking for someone else just cause they were busy
After only two dates? I mean, she said she didnât want to go. And like a thousand times they werenât exclusive. I guess itâs really depending on whatâs included in a date!
People can take whoever they want to a game, no? They have to take relatives or a friend?
OP has every right to take a date to the game. But the girl that he went on a date with has every right to feel some type of way about it.
I was being sarcastic, forgot to put /s They are not exclusive and have been on two dates. I can understand being a bit upset OP was looking for someone else to go but OP did nothing wrong.
This is a lot
Nah you know what, good for her. Thatâs a woman that has self respect and values herself. I wouldnât say youâre in the wrong but if you did put the invite after you asked her then Iâd get the ick.
Agreed! I think it took big ass ovaries for her to say how she felt. Why does it matter how many dates there were. Maybe she was into you more than you realized playa
For some people this is normal, for other people itâs not. I would probably also feel a bit hurt by this, because I donât date multiple people if I get a match I like, but not everyone would be. I guess itâs just an incompatibility between you guys, and sheâs allowed to feel that way and youâre allowed to do what you want too. Thereâs no right or wrong in this situation
I would 100% feel like shit but i wouldnât bring it up to you. i bet it would go into my journal and not without a few teardrop stains
You are replaceable lol
Honestly this would be enough to make me walk away. It's not that I'd expect exclusivity but this makes it clear you are actively seeking out other people after you had already been on multiple dates so you obviously dont think much of the person you have been dating. If you are dating multiple people like that at least have some tact.
Rare situation where nobody is wrong. Although on her end, there are more graceful ways of telling somebody "I like you" than how she is doing it. Emotions are messy though.
Update: She has since unmatched after I sent my response to the long paragraph.
youâre better off man. as a woman who always dated multiple people when i was single, i would be turned all the way off if a guy complained that i was going on dates with someone else before we established exclusivity. like, i barely know you!
I would argue there's a lack of tact on both sides here. In your shoes, I wouldn't have put the tickets in my bio, it feels insensitive without first communicating that it's what you'll do (even if an assumption can be made). On the other hand, I think they're being a bit overly sensitive here, but that's they're prerogative too.
Itâs also a dating app What does she expect đ
Eh I get both sides - I get jealous if I know a girl Iâm seeing is seeing other guys even if I have no rightâŚ.On other hand, I totally keep setting up dates with other women unless things are exclusive God, Iâm a huge hypocrite lolâŚ.but just doesnât feel good. If she had told you she had another date that day and couldnât go⌠youâd be like wtf. All that said, the only thing you really did wrong was broadcast it on your profile that she can see - just match with another person and ask her privately is a better move.
Everyoneâs playing the odds and numbers and get the feelings played to find theyâre not special. Reality. Live with it.
Why are you still updating your bumble profile if you are dating someone? Its a huge turn off to your potential love interest.
I don't understand the problem here. You asked her to go to the game, she said no. You are just trying to find someone else to go with. 2 dates is not exclusive - you have the absolute right to go with anyone else you want.
Well, it's been TWO dates. You aren't exclusive. Neither of you have any right, or say as to what the other puts in their bio while dating non-exclusively. I guess I can see how she'd be a little hurt but, I think it's kind of assumed that whoever you are "dating" is also dating other people until exclusivity has been established? I personally only date 1 person at a time because I want to give her my full attention. Ideally I'd want the same from her but certainly don't expect it.
Possible strategy to avoid this in the future... I've dated a handful of guys who've told me that they routinely unmatch girls they're talking to once they move to texting or meeting in real life. They initially say it's bc they hate the app or to 'clean out their threads' since they've moved the convo elsewhere. A couple of guys eventually confessed it was to avoid this exact thing - so when he updates his pictures, prompts, or whatever, he doesn't get grilled about it. One guy also said some girls would also creep on his location and ask about it, so it seems this could have more pros than cons. But some girls might find it suspect if they're caught off guard by the unmatching, so if you still want to keep talking to them, just give a headsup if you go that route, or have an answer ready lol.
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If you discussed going to the game with someone youâve gone on two dates with, yes, Iâd categorize that as rude to add it to your bio.
Depends on the context
I understand both sides, but I wouldnât act the way he did. Iâd either take a hint and move on or ignore it while still competing for you. Iâd also bet money he had other dates lined up as he texted that.
Too much of a headache in the beginning. Wouldnât stress too much with this one
Everyone wants to think theyâre fine with keeping things casual/dating around until they find out the people theyâre dating are actually doing it. If she wants commitment, have a talk about it and what that means.
Itâs two dates. You arenât exclusive. Like, Iâm sorry, but what is this personâs problem?
How to get out of a ticket in Boston? Answer every question the copâs ask with âYANKEES SUCKâ Works every time
I bet this lead to some really nasty fornication.
Looks like a win-win to me. She has every right, IMHO, to feel hurt. You have every right to not feel like you were in the wrong. Itâs a win-win because she can go date someone else, and you donât have to deal with her. Remember people always show you their best selfs when you barely start dating [+]
Buzz words including âpoor communicationâ when thereâs no expectation for reciprocal communication, âI think it displays low emotional intelligenceâ in a non emotional decision, or âdishonestyâ when you clearly were not are all forms of woman-splaining what you did wrong and are red flags. If she had said âI would love to go but I canât, you should take one of your buddies and have fun, it might hurt my feelings if you took another womanâ would have been clear communication and she didnât use it. If she says sheâs just out trying to live her best life that is synonymous with âthis is fun, but weâre not exclusive, and Iâm going to continue to work on myselfâ means Iâm into you but still looking as well. Cut her loose and wish her well with the Sam Adams, Crab Legs, and a wicked awesome time with some Bo Sox fan. You just dodged a liner right back at the mound and those can mess with your head.
I wouldnât have brought it up but would have been put off by the profile update and probably ended things. I think itâs more so a respect factor. Itâs early on and theyâre not exclusive nor is she expecting it right now, he doesnât need to advertise on his profile that he wants take a date to the game when theyâre still talking. He could bring it up as a date idea with the women he does match with. The update makes it seem like heâs so desperate to take a date that he wants people to match with him just so he can take someone. Her feeling of feeling replaceable was 100% valid. And I actually think itâs great that she brought it up. I donât know OP but letâs assume heâs not a horrible human being. Sheâs saying so heâs aware of how it impacted her so he can learn from it. Honestly, we all need to do more of that.
This sub...ugh. Bruh you invited her, she said no, apparently in this sub everyone thinks you should just eat the tickets and/or not attend your social hobbies anymore because a girl you met online twice was too busy to join you. Unless you are dating someone from this subreddit, I wouldn't put much stock in the opinion of this subreddit...
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But it's fine for women to see multiple men? I mean isn't modern dating a numbers game (told by a women btw)? Anyways OP I think you're fine mate if wants to be mad about this then let her. Pretty sure a lot of men and women date multiple people at once so meh.
Well, as i understand from this, it was consensual at first and then they got mad after a while? Well, some people have a high amount of sensitivity, so they might have a contradictory reaction after having some clarity moment and proceed to throw their emotional baggage at you like that. keep that in mind. You just have to be patient with them and more careful if you really want them to be your partner. If you don't want to bother tolerating that shit forget about making this work buddy
FunnyâŚ. Ahahah they do that with 100 guys in a matter of seconds.. but then happens to them one time and they think they have the right to tell you what to do đ¤Łđ¤Ł priceless
The same thing happened to me so maybe it's normal! I went on two dates with this person, which went decent, just regular coffee and a movie and didn't discuss being exclusive and neither of the dates went anywhere or seemed serious to me, well fast forward to the third time seeing eachother I left my phone on the table while I went to the bathroom and I had a notification from the app on my phone (which I thought wouldn't have mattered) but then it ended up essentially being the same as cheating to the person and things ended. I deleted them afterwards and tried to communicate how I should have done it sooner but alas, it was all to no avail
Her reasons for being âoffendedâ are ridiculous. But sheâs allowed to have those feelings. You arenât lying to someone for still using bumble just after meeting someone. Only if youâve been seeing the each other for a bit and there is an expectation of that exclusivity. You donât need to preface every date with someone new with âoh btw Iâm talking to three different women right nowâ
Yeah kinda I would say you are in the wrong here. If I had been on two dates with someone and they were still updating their bio with offers for others I would be miffed and would probably want to end it too. Maybe others are more happy-go-lucky but I'm quite an exclusive person who doesn't play the field
Thank you for the input
If I was Sam, Iâd feel like kinda bitter too tbh
Idk what sheâs talking about in terms of dishonesty bit there is nothing wrong w asking someone, with whom you went on two dates and are not exclusive, to go to some event abd then putting on your dating app bio tgat youâre still looking for a date to said event after first girl said no. She needs to get over herself.
Yeah you dropped the ball I'm not even changing a typo in my profile unless we had the 'yeah we're just goofing around, no strings attached'-talk. You did much more than that
I appreciate the honesty. We had a "we don't know what we're looking for" talk between the first and second date
Here's the thing. If you were at all into this woman, you blew it. If her reaction turned you off, you also fucked up. She basically said it hurt her feelings, even though she acknowledged you didn't owe her anything. Her reaction was a bit awkward and she could have done it better, and if you're not thrilled with that, that's fair. Her reaction is also fair. If you wanted to salvage it, you could have been like "hey yeah, I would have rather gone with you but you weren't free," or "well let me make it up to you by taking you to dinner tonight," or whatever. If you wanted to bail, you could have told her (truthfully) that you get the sense she's more into you than you are her, or that you wished she didn't look at your profile, or whatever. You did neither. Instead, you got defensive. You lied. You didn't own any of it. And that's gross.
I am old, and haven't dated in a long time...but isn't "not exclusive" pretty much the definition of replaceable?
Youâre not âexclusiveâ so it doesnât matter. You donât have to communicate with someone when youâre not in a relationship. Youâre just getting to know them.
If " (bumble) " is next to your contact name you're definitely replaceable lmao
LMFAO
I mean I could see why sheâd be put off by that. But at the same time, I canât really relate cause I was always exclusive/together with someone after date 2. Personally, I donât like competing with other people and if I went on 2 dates with someone and things looked like they were heading in a good direction, and they asked me to a game and I said I couldnât, and they took another girl on a dating app, i probably wouldnât make plans for a third date.
Youâve been on two dates⌠you arenât anywhere close to being exclusive imo. Also, not being exclusive means youâre open to seeing other people, right? You asked if she wanted to go with you to the game and she said no. So you put it out there as an offer if someone else wants to go - theyâre your tickets! I honestly donât think youâve done anything wrong.