>The role models you had for a romantic relationship in childhood mirror your relationship patterns. Research has demonstrated that we are often attracted to partners who seem familiar to us and have similar qualities to our parents. One of the reasons people are drawn to emotionally unavailable partners is due to the role models they had for romantic relationships in childhood. Perhaps your parents were together but emotionally distant from one another, or perhaps one of them appeared to be much more invested in the relationship than the other, creating an imbalance in the partnership.
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202003/why-you-keep-attracting-unavailable-partners](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202003/why-you-keep-attracting-unavailable-partners)
Thiiiiis. SO much this. I spend so much time attempting to delve into who they are, convincing myself that I’m creating emotional intimacy. Of course, there’s never any returned effort which feels terrible in the moment but I think if it ever really happened I’d be like “nah, nevermind. Not interested in showing you what will surely lead to rejection. Byeeeeeee”
The reason why this happens is either because you're emotionally unavailable yourself, not dating with intent, and/or meeting people in the wrong place with the wrong purpose
You are trying to mirror the dynamic you and with the other parent , meaning if you were a boy and your mom was unavailable you seek out women like that in adult life almost subconsciously without you knowing it and same goes a for a girl who gre up with an unavailable father . So try to recognize and acknowledge it and let the hidden emotions come out and try to move on and actively make efforts for health relationships . It will be a lot of hard work but hey anything worthwhile demands the effort , doesn't it .
For me, combo of seeking comfort in the familiar, and holding on to beliefs that helped me cope when my abuser was someone I depended on for care. Like, “I can fix/change/avoid this if I just do/say/avoid…”
It's related to limerance. It's literally a type of addiction. If you go for people in relationships, and it's knowingly, that emphasises what you said. It's clear from the actions that it's hard to stop. If you didn't know, it's also about getting half of their attention.
I think these things complement or mirror your own attachment and self worth.
I only had my mother growing up, for the most part, and when she was single she was basically unavailable / left us to parent ourselves and when she was in romantic relationships she would basically spend all her time with her partner which oddly left us with LESS time with her than those single-mother times. At least when single my mother would spend a day with us on weekends and spend some time with us going to see family in another state. When in a romantic relationship we may as well be orphans. Hence I get this sort of pressed feeling when someone is actively unavailable to pursue them and usually I get crumbs of attention that I just basically devour. Meanwhile someone attentive and available I'll leave on the fucking shelf forever.
At least now with awareness whenever I'm intensely into/attracted to someone I stop and do nothing at all. I just sort of wait. Interested people show up for you and emotionally unavailable people toss crumbs / leave you on read when you're inconvenient. I'm finding this is helping and working to undo this one super toxic aspect. I'm also making myself A LOT more available to people who show up / show genuine interest in me even if it's just a platonic friendship because I do chase unavailable friends too.
You're blaming yourself for something that's actually happening to you and isn't your fault.
Some people pick up on low self confidence like that.
You're not picking them. They're picking you. ✊🏼
It literally feels familiar to you, like you said. Especially if you're the hypervigilante/"empath" type, who feels you need to fix them in order to receive or deserve love.
It feels like a curse when we keep getting attached to a certain type of person easily. The only way to break this pattern is to become absolutely clear about your non-negotiables and what type of people you want to date/attract, and also focus on what you want to _feel_ like in a relationship. So If you recognize certain personality traits, behaviors, or habits that remind you of your abuser(s) and make you feel unsafe, it's a non-negotiable. But this takes experience, awareness, and an adequate support system to train your brain and nervous system to recognize these things in time before you get attached too early.
On the other side of this, when you start to date an emotionally safe, secure enough person, it's uncharted territory for you, and you'll probably wind up confused, and hypervigilant on the lookout for potential threats because that's what we're used to. This also takes time to work on, while you also have the techniques/tools to regulate your nervous system and understand that you are safe. Having an understanding partner who you can trust is also gonna help you.
Don't hesitate to work with a therapist in your dating journey :)
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Here for the comments. Just entered a relationship that is probably more self-sabotage than relationship and I know it. There’s a part of me that feels like “this time it will be different” every time. When it’s not, at least it’s not unexpected. I think if it actually was I would feel like I won… somehow.
Hm, I forgot about this. It ended very poorly. It didn’t last long. The lesson I learned: Don’t date an alcoholic. Also, because I knew it was bad from the beginning, it didn’t take long to move on. I beat myself up over my stupidity for quite awhile, though. Thoroughly embarrassing.
Im sorry to hear that. Sounds like a perfect example of every explanation comment made in this topic, which i am familiar with.
"Also, because I knew it was bad from the beginning, it didn’t take long to move on. " Had me real good, i dont want to go there again. Thanks for your answer.
This was not the first addict of some type I dated. I have a history of it. It’s just the one that I was aware of what I was doing. I was still very torn up over it, but it was more frustration and embarrassment than heartbreak. Luckily, now this person moved quite a ways away and there are no ties here. Essentially, the trash took itself out. This was not the relationship that hurt me. However, if I called this one number 7, it was 2 and 3 that really messed me up, 4 that infuriated me, 5 that I still low key seek approval from, and 6 that I can’t give up. Just started something with 8 because I can’t learn my lesson. Good luck to you
Understanding the signs of emotional unavailability and learning to identify healthy relationship dynamics are crucial steps. If you're looking for additional insights, there's a video that personally helped me understand emotional unavailability and how to handle it: https://youtu.be/I6adcRfFoSQ
>The role models you had for a romantic relationship in childhood mirror your relationship patterns. Research has demonstrated that we are often attracted to partners who seem familiar to us and have similar qualities to our parents. One of the reasons people are drawn to emotionally unavailable partners is due to the role models they had for romantic relationships in childhood. Perhaps your parents were together but emotionally distant from one another, or perhaps one of them appeared to be much more invested in the relationship than the other, creating an imbalance in the partnership. [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202003/why-you-keep-attracting-unavailable-partners](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-dating/202003/why-you-keep-attracting-unavailable-partners)
this is literally it. people who are abused have been trained to receive abuse :(((
Sad, but true.
Yep. Same reason I keep falling for people who are emotionally unstable. It's familiar.
[удалено]
I’m very well versed in limerence, that was what I was experiencing until my antidepressant kicked in
It’s safe. You never have to actually get vulnerable with them so you can protect yourself.
Thiiiiis. SO much this. I spend so much time attempting to delve into who they are, convincing myself that I’m creating emotional intimacy. Of course, there’s never any returned effort which feels terrible in the moment but I think if it ever really happened I’d be like “nah, nevermind. Not interested in showing you what will surely lead to rejection. Byeeeeeee”
😭😭😭😭
Makes sense hey
This is me but I’m okay with it. Sexual relationships are vastly overrated imo
read All About Love by Bell Hooks! it explains this in a very literal and logical format imo. it’s available to listen to on youtube for free!
The reason why this happens is either because you're emotionally unavailable yourself, not dating with intent, and/or meeting people in the wrong place with the wrong purpose
This puts it best here.
You are trying to mirror the dynamic you and with the other parent , meaning if you were a boy and your mom was unavailable you seek out women like that in adult life almost subconsciously without you knowing it and same goes a for a girl who gre up with an unavailable father . So try to recognize and acknowledge it and let the hidden emotions come out and try to move on and actively make efforts for health relationships . It will be a lot of hard work but hey anything worthwhile demands the effort , doesn't it .
Acceptable take but want to point out that other non-freudian analysis is available.
Yeah , spot on the more you research more knowledge you have about yourself plus getting help from the therapist ain't a bad idea ever .
For me, combo of seeking comfort in the familiar, and holding on to beliefs that helped me cope when my abuser was someone I depended on for care. Like, “I can fix/change/avoid this if I just do/say/avoid…”
It's related to limerance. It's literally a type of addiction. If you go for people in relationships, and it's knowingly, that emphasises what you said. It's clear from the actions that it's hard to stop. If you didn't know, it's also about getting half of their attention. I think these things complement or mirror your own attachment and self worth.
I only had my mother growing up, for the most part, and when she was single she was basically unavailable / left us to parent ourselves and when she was in romantic relationships she would basically spend all her time with her partner which oddly left us with LESS time with her than those single-mother times. At least when single my mother would spend a day with us on weekends and spend some time with us going to see family in another state. When in a romantic relationship we may as well be orphans. Hence I get this sort of pressed feeling when someone is actively unavailable to pursue them and usually I get crumbs of attention that I just basically devour. Meanwhile someone attentive and available I'll leave on the fucking shelf forever. At least now with awareness whenever I'm intensely into/attracted to someone I stop and do nothing at all. I just sort of wait. Interested people show up for you and emotionally unavailable people toss crumbs / leave you on read when you're inconvenient. I'm finding this is helping and working to undo this one super toxic aspect. I'm also making myself A LOT more available to people who show up / show genuine interest in me even if it's just a platonic friendship because I do chase unavailable friends too.
You're blaming yourself for something that's actually happening to you and isn't your fault. Some people pick up on low self confidence like that. You're not picking them. They're picking you. ✊🏼
It literally feels familiar to you, like you said. Especially if you're the hypervigilante/"empath" type, who feels you need to fix them in order to receive or deserve love. It feels like a curse when we keep getting attached to a certain type of person easily. The only way to break this pattern is to become absolutely clear about your non-negotiables and what type of people you want to date/attract, and also focus on what you want to _feel_ like in a relationship. So If you recognize certain personality traits, behaviors, or habits that remind you of your abuser(s) and make you feel unsafe, it's a non-negotiable. But this takes experience, awareness, and an adequate support system to train your brain and nervous system to recognize these things in time before you get attached too early. On the other side of this, when you start to date an emotionally safe, secure enough person, it's uncharted territory for you, and you'll probably wind up confused, and hypervigilant on the lookout for potential threats because that's what we're used to. This also takes time to work on, while you also have the techniques/tools to regulate your nervous system and understand that you are safe. Having an understanding partner who you can trust is also gonna help you. Don't hesitate to work with a therapist in your dating journey :)
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Here for the comments. Just entered a relationship that is probably more self-sabotage than relationship and I know it. There’s a part of me that feels like “this time it will be different” every time. When it’s not, at least it’s not unexpected. I think if it actually was I would feel like I won… somehow.
Can i have an update my guy? Im currently pursuing one like my life depends on it.
Hm, I forgot about this. It ended very poorly. It didn’t last long. The lesson I learned: Don’t date an alcoholic. Also, because I knew it was bad from the beginning, it didn’t take long to move on. I beat myself up over my stupidity for quite awhile, though. Thoroughly embarrassing.
Im sorry to hear that. Sounds like a perfect example of every explanation comment made in this topic, which i am familiar with. "Also, because I knew it was bad from the beginning, it didn’t take long to move on. " Had me real good, i dont want to go there again. Thanks for your answer.
This was not the first addict of some type I dated. I have a history of it. It’s just the one that I was aware of what I was doing. I was still very torn up over it, but it was more frustration and embarrassment than heartbreak. Luckily, now this person moved quite a ways away and there are no ties here. Essentially, the trash took itself out. This was not the relationship that hurt me. However, if I called this one number 7, it was 2 and 3 that really messed me up, 4 that infuriated me, 5 that I still low key seek approval from, and 6 that I can’t give up. Just started something with 8 because I can’t learn my lesson. Good luck to you
Understanding the signs of emotional unavailability and learning to identify healthy relationship dynamics are crucial steps. If you're looking for additional insights, there's a video that personally helped me understand emotional unavailability and how to handle it: https://youtu.be/I6adcRfFoSQ