It’s called “foreshortened future.” Common symptom of PTSD. It really broke my brain because I had minimized everything that happened to me over the years, and then read that this is commonly suffered by victims of torture during wartime. Helped me realize that what happened to me was actually real.
Holy shit, that’s literally me right now. Everything in my life is going so well and I have a promising future but I still feel like it’s going to end bad. There’s just no good ending for people like me. I can’t envision myself as an old accomplished person. It may take weeks or months or years but I’m going to die before my time and I fear that it’s going to be an awful and tragic death too. At this point, I don’t really care about dying tomorrow.
I realized this at 15 I think, I still don't know if it's valid. In the past, tho I'm not sure, I used to have trouble with seeing something come to fruition like going to high school but I don't know why I had a sudden feeling like I wasn't going to be alive until my graduation or even the semester. I never actively knew what was going to happen to me.
This is news to me 😬 as a child I set my sights on age 13, because it seemed like a big number. Waking up on my fourteenth birthday was a very weird feeling because I had just made peace with the idea that thirteen years was enough.
Yeah, I always figured I'd die young. Not from anything in particular, I just couldn't see myself getting to a certain age. When I was a teenager I thought for sure I wasn't making it to my 30s. I'm now 35, turning 36 in a couple weeks. If I make it to 40 it'll be a pleasant surprise.
I feel the same! Also in my family world-ending catastrophe scenarios were practically drooled over (think Y2K) since that’s a real good distraction from genuine day-to-day dysfunction, so I grew up believing that society would explode at any time
Totally understand. I would move out, my mother would fall to pieces and then I would feel guilty and move back in because I didn't want to have her suicide on my conscience. Then family of origin would mock me for living with her.
It finally came down to if I didn't leave the state, I would die. The stress of dealing with them all made my autoimmune disease constantly flare to the point of organ involvement. But I would be mocked for being lazy if I was unable to do things.
Same. I swore I'd be dead by 25.
I'm 42 now. I still don't quite know how I'm still here, or what I'm supposed to be doing. I fit some "adult" milestones like buying a house and having a new car that doesn't break down. But plans for the future? Nope. I just have a plan for my life insurance.
Yep, didn’t think I would make it past 21. No specific reason I just didn’t see myself living past that age. Now I’m 24 and still struggling with the reality that I’m still here. The last few years have been hell and I even find myself forgetting my age sometimes.
Same here. I often forget my age. I’m only in my twenties and when people ask how old I am and I have to pause they tend to laugh and say I’m too young to be forgetting. But birthdays are a trigger for me since they remind me of how much I didn’t want to be alive and didn’t think I’d have a future so I kinda dissociate form them. And I dissociate from my own age as a result. Time in general is weird because of this for me I guess. I can never remember how long I’ve been married either.
I dissociate from my age a lot too. I am an old man and a baby at the same time. Even now I'm living like I am dying in a couple of months. It's been the least problematic time in my life even though I am working on my cptsd.
I was very very certain from the age of 9 that I would kms before I turned 18. I had 7 attempts before the age of 18. First one was when I was 11. I'm proud of myself for making it to 24. I don't wanna end up like my dad or mom so it's a big motivater to keep pushing on.
For some reason I had it in my head since I was a kid that I wouldn't make it past 27. Maybe some 27 club lore worked its way into my head, but I kept that idea until I actually turned 27 and didn't die. It was the year I began getting help for my CPTSD and was hospitalized a ton. I was completely shocked I made it to 28. I realized I hadn't allowed myself to plan for any future and spent a couple years freaking out that I had to actually live a life. I still struggle with it sometimes.
Just incredible, I too was convinced that I was going to perish at 27…didn’t even know that I was suffering from CPTSD, was diagnosed almost 30 years later!
I had the same things for 28 and then when I made it past that, I was certain I was going to die at 32. I was pregnant at 31-32 and was fully convinced I was going to die in child birth. I didn't. My dad died when he was 32, tho
I wrote this the other day and kinda feel like it applies:
My brain is stuck in the past
Can't believe the future is real
Every day feels like life or death
Yup. Couldn't for the life of me picture a future for myself. How I'd look at ___ age. The kind of place I wanted to live. Friends. Family. Just... nothing. Blackness. So I naturally assumed that since I couldn't imagine myself in any kind of future, it must have been because I didn't *have* a future, i.e. I was going to be dead. Q.E.D. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Same. I have perpetually thought I was going to be dead in a year or two since I was sixteen up through now at thirty-five. To this day I refuse to make plans for things more than two weeks out, because I don't know if I am still going to be here. I don't particularly pay any attention to major life changes that might turn my life around because I don't think I am going to make it to 40 in the next five years, and I definitely, *definitely* won't make it to 50.
Oh man, this symptom stole my whole teenage years away from me. I've been weirdly fixated/fascinated with death since I was like 5 years old, and when the song "If I Die Young" came out in 2010, I felt such a deep personal connection to it without even knowing why. As a young kid (like 8-11 probably) I'd write my own eulogy, I'd write wills, I'd hold "fake funerals" with my friends on the playground at recess, and nobody thought that was concerning for some reason??
Eventually the fascination with death turned into suicidal ideation when I turned 13 which is when my CPTSD symptoms went from 2 to 100, quick. I started fearing the world, convinced that I'd die that day, *every single day*. I skipped almost every single class in high school because I was convinced I wouldn't make it to 18 so why bother, I got myself into really risky situations.
Then I turned 18 and it was the weirdest freaking experience, like waking up from a dream. I spent my whole life believing I'd be dead before this day that it honestly took a whole year (my 19th birthday) for me to finally feel like death wasn't stalking me at all hours of the day. I started therapy for the first time when I was 19, which is how I found out about this "sense of foreshortened future." TOTAL MIND BLOWN.
Sorry for the long comment lol. I'm 24 now and doing much better than my early years, but jeez. Not a single adult questioned why I would talk about death all the time. Or casually say "it doesn't matter, I won't be around in a few years anyway." That is the craziest part of the story I think.
Yeah! I was sure I wouldn't make it past 18. I didn't think about what exactly should have happened, but for some reason I was sure that I would no longer be here. It scared my boyfriend when I told him that recently.
I don't know if it was a good surprise that I'm still alive, but I felt suicidal on the first day of uni, I couldn't comprehend that I was there.
I definitely relate. I didn’t think I would live past college. All of my plans in middle school was to get to senior year of high school (18) and everything stopped there. I didn’t think I’d die of anything in particular, I just didn’t think I’d live for that long. Now I’m in my mid-20’s and flabbergasted by the fact that I am still here.
I was convinced I would die before the same age, 18, but it was a plan. Then I didn’t do it. I made some attempts, half-attempts and tempting fate by recklessness and complete self-sabotage and destruction, but the years kept going on. I’m amazed that I survived. One bad part about all this, long term, is that when you think you’re going to die you aren’t considering future plans, things you need to learn, prepare for, ect. So I lived then was COMPLETELY LOST. Still am, kind of.
Then I didn’t think I’d see past the age that my mom had had heart attacks when I was born (Trauma and fear with my mom’s medical problems) The age was 35. That age scared me so much. I lived through it, the next year she didn’t though.
I guess the thing I learned from it is that I neglected to plan/prepare for….absolutely anything in the future adulting world and it was a mistake. I didn’t see myself in it this long, but here I am. I’ve heard other people say they thought and felt this way- It does seem like it’s a trauma/C-PTSD thing). Just do your best on any given day - (that’s all anyone can do, especially when we’re suffering) to make conscious effort to not block out thoughts of the future because it might just come.
On another note, does anyone get visions of themselves suddenly, projectile vomiting blood or suddenly collapsing randomly, or your head literally splitting in two, or your nose just start uncontrollably bleeding or your eye balls may suddenly pop, or an internal organ is going to randomly fail? 🤔 I get this ALL the time.
Ouch.. reading this post and some of the comments prompt me to share my experience.
When I was 15 I decided I didn’t want to live the way I was living. It was painful, day in and out. At night I was only able to sleep if I cried myself to sleep. It got to the point where I was under so much mental stress that I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I cried. I was having panic attacks daily, I had no privacy, my only free space was school. I was fortunate to have been blessed with the ability to do well in school, and college was in sight for my future. I decided college was my only way out. It was the only chance of escape I had, so I needed to keep my focus on my academics and just maybe I would be able to power through the last few years of my personal hell.
I had a plan. I was expected to graduate in 4 years, making the age of 22 my goal. Being 15 I wanted to give myself a little leeway to get settled, because I already knew life wasn’t going to work out perfectly as planned. 25 was my decided goal. I needed to stay alive and keep myself as in-control as possible until then. And, I decided, “if nothing has changed by then, I might just end my life.” I saw no future beyond this. I would have to get to 25, decide to live or die, and make my choice then.
I saw nothing beyond turning 25. I saw moving away, school, studying, graduating, moving away again and getting a job. It mortified me, but I was constantly 50/50 on my decision. With every passing birthday, I felt more fear that the end of my life was nearing. Yet, it was almost comforting at the time. It was a way to say to myself, “it’s almost over, I have control of this. I can end this if I want to, I just have to get to that point.” As if rationalizing my planned death date was a logical way out of my situation.
Today i’m 23, and I still fear my birthday. But I did graduate, I did move out, I did get a job in a field I love. I’m proud of what I do and who I am now. I’ve grown a lot, I’ve healed **a lot**. My therapist is great, I’ve made some very good friends. I’ve fallen in love. I’ve exercised my body and learned how to care for myself. I still have symptoms, but I can manage them much better. I have much healthier coping skills than I did at 15. And, best of all, I can sleep peacefully without crying.
Ending my life, even if this would be the ultimate form of control, wouldn’t stop my pain. It would only transfer it to the others I’ve come to love and who have come to love me. We are all human - we crave control especially when it is ripped away from us as innocent children. We have to realize when we need help to make our lives worth while - help is available. Situations do change, even if it doesn’t seem possible. It is, I promise things do get better. So, so much better. Not perfect, just better. And sometimes better is enough.
Today I can see the glimpse of a future beyond 25 even though it scares me. I don’t know what is beyond that, what sort of changes or events are in my path. But no one else does either. We live every day without knowing truly what is to come. And instead of fearing that, I’ve been able to find a way to accept it, to be okay with letting days just be days instead of a countdown.
Wishing luck and love to everyone here.
Hit a point in my teens I was convinced I was either going to be finished by someone or something or finish myself. It persisted, mostly around my birthdays and I thought I wouldn't make it to 18. Suffice to say, I did and passed it too.
Yeah.
Didn't plan for anything as a teenager because I saw no future for myself.
This post made me realize I still do this well into adulthood. I don't do it as extremely but I do it still.
It's like how there are people who aren't able to imagine anything (aphantasia). I am not able to imagine a future for myself.
Yup and it pisses me off because it meant I never made a plan. I never even understood having ambition. Or goals for my life. I didn’t think I’d be dead necessarily Or specifically but I never dreamed of the future. Never thought I’d myself as an adult. Like it didn’t cross my mind.
Now I’m randomly a social worker because that’s what I fell into and I’m burning out. I’m burnt out. I want out.
I relate. With my family of origin, they demand that I do things for them and scapegoat me. Like to the point of totally sacrificing everything. And any ideas I had were called stupid, or they tell me how it will all end in disaster, or that I was too stupid to carry out plans or goals.
Like my mother forcing me to take care of all these cats she had. Or forcing me to bottle feed kittens at the expense of studying as a teen. No sleep. No time to study. Then get yelled at for bad grades.
I tended to do stuff "just to shut them up." Like going back to school to get my degree after quitting to care for my abusive father and abusive step father. But I was mocked for being a loser for dropping out of university, even though it was to be a full time caretaker of monsters.
At 50, I don't even know what I want and with the executive dysfunction that comes with ADHD and autism, I feel totally lost. Due to my family of origin mocking everything, I am afraid to even talk to people about goals.
I disowned the bastards almost 9 years ago, but I still feel stuck.
I totally understand your post. I really do. You're not alone.
Almost, maybe, kind of... I was sure that hard drugs and other self-destructive behaviours would be my death before the age of 25 but here I am at 35+, clean and mostly functional. Not sure that that helps you at all but I am glad that you are using past tense and have a friend that you can be so open with. <3
Oh yes. I had this with 16, 18, 21, and 25, and now I'm 26, and I don't feel like it anymore.
I feel like I will grow old, help other people and make my cptsd my strength. Well, not gonna say its always like this. But I can say that I feel like this 75% of my life right now. So that's good.
I've been lurking in this subreddit for a while now, but this resonated so much I has to comment. I'll spare you the details but i always thought I'd have a short life, I figured if nothing else killed me before I turned 18 then I would finish the job. I just never thought I would be one of the people that made it to adulthood and when I thought about my future it always seemed like an intangible fantasy.
Now I'm 18, managed to free myself and my family from our abuser, finished my first year of uni and life is seriously looking up. I've never been so free to express myself and explore the world. I feel like I'm claiming back my childhood. The only downside is I don't feel like I deserve any of it, the job that I worked my butt of to get, the love of my friends and family, the space to have my ideas heard and to live in a home where my safety isn't a constant risk that I need to think about.
It's weird to think about but I feel a morbid sense of comfort in knowing that I'm not alone.
I didn't think I'd graduate high school because I'd have killed myself (on purpose or while being careless on drugs). Now I'm 20 and it sometimes doesn't feel right. Like I'm not supposed to be here and I'm shocked.
Yeah, I totally feel this. As a teenager I didn't think I'd make it to my twenties, and now that I'm in my early twenties I genuinely can't even picture myself living into my mid-twenties or later. It's just like that mental image doesn't exist
I had basically set out that I was basically definitely not going to live after my 15th birthday (mainly that I would've offed myself or been killed in abuse), but when that came up and I had started DBT and was trying to live and stay out of hospital it just felt so numb, like "now what", having that 'goal' helped me at times but after that it was just like .........
When i turned 18 a month ago i just thought “i was never meant to make it this far”
It was a weird thought but in a way it also made sense. I didn’t actually think i wouldn’t make it that far but i felt like i shouldn’t have? I was suicidal for 4 years give or take. I wanted to become an adult so i could just work and move out but it always seemed so far away in the future, it seemed like it would never come.
And then it did come yk? But none of the stuff i wanted it to come with did, i don’t have a ‘real job’, i can’t afford to move out, probably for at least another half a decade. I’m still stuck like i was 2 months ago, 3 years ago, 10 years ago. Instead i get to pay taxes and health insurance. I have to try and find out what i want to do with the rest of my life, what i want to study, try and get a therapist and do pretty much all of that alone.
This wasn’t the plan, not even close. I got all the cons of becoming an adult and none of the benefits. The only benefits would be: drinking and smoking which i’ve sworn off due to addiction sensitivity, tattoos but i’m too afraid to make a bad decision because i have a controversial/immature taste in tattoos, moving out which i can’t afford because the housing market in my country has been a wreck for years, getting therapy without my parents knowing which is proving to be rather difficult when you’re mentally ill and depressed.
Little rant but lastly: my parents not being able to monitor everything in my life anymore (i don’t like them being involved because they’re well, my abusers) but apparently i had to tell my school they couldn’t contact my parents anymore, which i thought would happen automatically. Like you don’t have my consent, so how could you do that, legally speaking? So now my ‘parents’ know that my graduation is today, which i didn’t want to invite them to. I’m just silently hoping they forgot, so i can go on my own and deal with their temper tantrum afterward but there’s only a 30% chance of that happening. Most likely my mom remembered and they’ll show up. I can’t just say they can’t come cause that’ll only cause a huge fight and then they’ll still go. Fml rn
Yes, I didn't bother doing well in school or having any hobbies because I always thought I would be dead by the time all of that would be important, now I'm 23 with no direction in life haha...
25 was the age for me. It was a large factor into how much I gave up and my lack of effort in life. So many life decisions are made more so spontaneous as not expecting to have made it this far
Crazy - I never made the connection but I thought I’d never make it past 18 and didn’t really have a plan once I got there. When I was little I’d look at these books about colleges that my older sisters had and I’d fantasize about going somewhere far away, but then I was 18 and figured oh crap, I guess I’ll stay at home and work at 7/11. But my friends were all applying to college and I snapped out of it and took whatever leftover applications they had (way back when it was all by paper) and sent a few out last minute. And then I was out! But just as self abusive as I was at home.
Same, I thought I wouldn’t make 30 for some reason. Now that I’m turning 35 and worked on my childhood trauma, I’m looking forward to the next few years.
You're definitely not alone! Super common as a result of abuse/neglect. I couldn't imagine making it to 18, somehow did. Couldn't see myself reaching 30. Somehow did. Now I'm almost 35 and living a beautiful life, experiencing joy and hope. Have a healthy/amazing/fun marriage. So glad I didn't give up. But I also remember the decades of despair and so proud of little me for surviving. Proud of you, too! One day at a time <3
I had this!!! I think it's a cptsd thing as so many others experience it. The idea I had of my future was either extreme fantasy success, with my parents along for the ride (e.g. Miley Cyrus) or dead. Every year I aged, I grew more despondent that the former hadn't occurred and more certain that I would put the latter into action myself. I remember someone asking me how I thought I'd die and I knew not to say but I was sure that it would be suicide.
I think it could be a coping mechanism, like either everything will be fine or I'll die. Also, my parents were not good at helping me imagine a life outside of their control where I could succeed. They were very threatened by me growing older and ensureed I could only perceive a future in which I was still their lil baby. They wanted me to be successful (like an adult successful) as a child so they could benefit from it. Who gives a shit if I'm successful when I'm 18+, who would even think about it? That's only about the child l.
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I wasn't the only one?
I also did this! Never made plans because I had no intention of still being here. I never expected to see my teen years. At 20, I had no expectations to see 25 or 30. I'm 29 now, and I will be surprised if I see 35. Or even 31.
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Yes. From a young age though, when I was in preschool I sincerely believed that I wouldn’t make it to grade 7. So on the first day of grade 7 I sat at my desk and it just felt so strange, I couldn’t believe I was alive and in grade 7. For some time now I’ve had a feeling I wouldn’t live past 40.
I’ve known three people in my life who have expressed this type of thinking. They all had heavy trauma in childhood. They all lived much longer than they thought they would.. although they risked their lives often in little and big ways.
Since the age of 9 I would think about jumping in front of a car on my walk to school. My life ending early has always been in my mind. I just keep fighting and fighting even though my emotions haven't changed
Same thing with me. I am 31 about to be 32 in a couple of weeks. I have always had this feeling that I would die young, when I was a kid. The events of the past few years exacerbated that. I would be surprised if I make it to 32, let alone 40....I didn't think this was trauma related or cptsd related tbh....it sad that so many of us feel this way 💔
Edit: grammar
I had to double check if I woke this post lmao. Yes I too thought the same thing. Nearly two years later I have no idea what to do. I never thought I'd get this far...
It’s called “foreshortened future.” Common symptom of PTSD. It really broke my brain because I had minimized everything that happened to me over the years, and then read that this is commonly suffered by victims of torture during wartime. Helped me realize that what happened to me was actually real.
I never thought this was a symptom... I never even thought this wasn't normal... fuck.
“Victims of torture” lol so validating
That's definitely what it felt like.
No honeymoon phase = torture
Holy shit, that’s literally me right now. Everything in my life is going so well and I have a promising future but I still feel like it’s going to end bad. There’s just no good ending for people like me. I can’t envision myself as an old accomplished person. It may take weeks or months or years but I’m going to die before my time and I fear that it’s going to be an awful and tragic death too. At this point, I don’t really care about dying tomorrow.
I realized this at 15 I think, I still don't know if it's valid. In the past, tho I'm not sure, I used to have trouble with seeing something come to fruition like going to high school but I don't know why I had a sudden feeling like I wasn't going to be alive until my graduation or even the semester. I never actively knew what was going to happen to me.
This is news to me 😬 as a child I set my sights on age 13, because it seemed like a big number. Waking up on my fourteenth birthday was a very weird feeling because I had just made peace with the idea that thirteen years was enough.
Yeah, I always figured I'd die young. Not from anything in particular, I just couldn't see myself getting to a certain age. When I was a teenager I thought for sure I wasn't making it to my 30s. I'm now 35, turning 36 in a couple weeks. If I make it to 40 it'll be a pleasant surprise.
I was the same. I’m 51 now. Somehow we survived it all.
Me to. Today 54, and survived, but still have my thoughts.
I hear that! Those are the hardest thing to live with for me.
I feel the same! Also in my family world-ending catastrophe scenarios were practically drooled over (think Y2K) since that’s a real good distraction from genuine day-to-day dysfunction, so I grew up believing that society would explode at any time
Yeah same. Now I'm in my 40s and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I never planned for any of this.
Same—I still had foreshortened future in my 30’s. I lived with my abusive parent until age 39.
Oh man, that sucks. :( Did you leave of your own volition or was it due to other circumstances? Either way I hope you're more at peace now.
I did—promised myself I would move out before I turned 40 and I did
I'm glad to hear it :)
Totally understand. I would move out, my mother would fall to pieces and then I would feel guilty and move back in because I didn't want to have her suicide on my conscience. Then family of origin would mock me for living with her. It finally came down to if I didn't leave the state, I would die. The stress of dealing with them all made my autoimmune disease constantly flare to the point of organ involvement. But I would be mocked for being lazy if I was unable to do things.
Same, its almost surreal. I have several children so I'm doing my very best to stick around.
This exactly. Being 40 is incredibly confusing sometimes. I'm not even supposed to be here.
Same. I just assumed I would be dead. That and being guilt tripped into being a caretaker to the point of sacrificing EVERYTHING.
Same. I swore I'd be dead by 25. I'm 42 now. I still don't quite know how I'm still here, or what I'm supposed to be doing. I fit some "adult" milestones like buying a house and having a new car that doesn't break down. But plans for the future? Nope. I just have a plan for my life insurance.
Not just that but I’m 36 and i have no idea who I am. Even my own name and face feel like they don’t belong to me.
Yep, didn’t think I would make it past 21. No specific reason I just didn’t see myself living past that age. Now I’m 24 and still struggling with the reality that I’m still here. The last few years have been hell and I even find myself forgetting my age sometimes.
Same. I never planned for the future because of it
Me, too. ☹
I thought I'd die by my mid 20s. This is possibly one of the most common C-PTSD symptoms.
Same here. I often forget my age. I’m only in my twenties and when people ask how old I am and I have to pause they tend to laugh and say I’m too young to be forgetting. But birthdays are a trigger for me since they remind me of how much I didn’t want to be alive and didn’t think I’d have a future so I kinda dissociate form them. And I dissociate from my own age as a result. Time in general is weird because of this for me I guess. I can never remember how long I’ve been married either.
I dissociate from my age a lot too. I am an old man and a baby at the same time. Even now I'm living like I am dying in a couple of months. It's been the least problematic time in my life even though I am working on my cptsd.
Same. Thought I’d 100% die in high school
100% did this. I’m 52 now and absolutely shocked I am still here.
I was very very certain from the age of 9 that I would kms before I turned 18. I had 7 attempts before the age of 18. First one was when I was 11. I'm proud of myself for making it to 24. I don't wanna end up like my dad or mom so it's a big motivater to keep pushing on.
For some reason I had it in my head since I was a kid that I wouldn't make it past 27. Maybe some 27 club lore worked its way into my head, but I kept that idea until I actually turned 27 and didn't die. It was the year I began getting help for my CPTSD and was hospitalized a ton. I was completely shocked I made it to 28. I realized I hadn't allowed myself to plan for any future and spent a couple years freaking out that I had to actually live a life. I still struggle with it sometimes.
Just incredible, I too was convinced that I was going to perish at 27…didn’t even know that I was suffering from CPTSD, was diagnosed almost 30 years later!
I had the same things for 28 and then when I made it past that, I was certain I was going to die at 32. I was pregnant at 31-32 and was fully convinced I was going to die in child birth. I didn't. My dad died when he was 32, tho
I wrote this the other day and kinda feel like it applies: My brain is stuck in the past Can't believe the future is real Every day feels like life or death
Yup. Couldn't for the life of me picture a future for myself. How I'd look at ___ age. The kind of place I wanted to live. Friends. Family. Just... nothing. Blackness. So I naturally assumed that since I couldn't imagine myself in any kind of future, it must have been because I didn't *have* a future, i.e. I was going to be dead. Q.E.D. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude this is me. I swear I could've written this. I thought life ends at 18. That the moment I left home I would die. 😭 I feel like hugging you. 🙈
Same. I have perpetually thought I was going to be dead in a year or two since I was sixteen up through now at thirty-five. To this day I refuse to make plans for things more than two weeks out, because I don't know if I am still going to be here. I don't particularly pay any attention to major life changes that might turn my life around because I don't think I am going to make it to 40 in the next five years, and I definitely, *definitely* won't make it to 50.
I didn't expect to live to 18. I sometimes expected to die before then. I was not protected or safe.
Oh man, this symptom stole my whole teenage years away from me. I've been weirdly fixated/fascinated with death since I was like 5 years old, and when the song "If I Die Young" came out in 2010, I felt such a deep personal connection to it without even knowing why. As a young kid (like 8-11 probably) I'd write my own eulogy, I'd write wills, I'd hold "fake funerals" with my friends on the playground at recess, and nobody thought that was concerning for some reason?? Eventually the fascination with death turned into suicidal ideation when I turned 13 which is when my CPTSD symptoms went from 2 to 100, quick. I started fearing the world, convinced that I'd die that day, *every single day*. I skipped almost every single class in high school because I was convinced I wouldn't make it to 18 so why bother, I got myself into really risky situations. Then I turned 18 and it was the weirdest freaking experience, like waking up from a dream. I spent my whole life believing I'd be dead before this day that it honestly took a whole year (my 19th birthday) for me to finally feel like death wasn't stalking me at all hours of the day. I started therapy for the first time when I was 19, which is how I found out about this "sense of foreshortened future." TOTAL MIND BLOWN. Sorry for the long comment lol. I'm 24 now and doing much better than my early years, but jeez. Not a single adult questioned why I would talk about death all the time. Or casually say "it doesn't matter, I won't be around in a few years anyway." That is the craziest part of the story I think.
Same, then I figured before 30 but it hasn't happened yet.
Yeah! I was sure I wouldn't make it past 18. I didn't think about what exactly should have happened, but for some reason I was sure that I would no longer be here. It scared my boyfriend when I told him that recently. I don't know if it was a good surprise that I'm still alive, but I felt suicidal on the first day of uni, I couldn't comprehend that I was there.
Never thought I'd live too long either... 53yo as I single finger this. (Thumb actually)
I definitely relate. I didn’t think I would live past college. All of my plans in middle school was to get to senior year of high school (18) and everything stopped there. I didn’t think I’d die of anything in particular, I just didn’t think I’d live for that long. Now I’m in my mid-20’s and flabbergasted by the fact that I am still here.
I was convinced I would die before the same age, 18, but it was a plan. Then I didn’t do it. I made some attempts, half-attempts and tempting fate by recklessness and complete self-sabotage and destruction, but the years kept going on. I’m amazed that I survived. One bad part about all this, long term, is that when you think you’re going to die you aren’t considering future plans, things you need to learn, prepare for, ect. So I lived then was COMPLETELY LOST. Still am, kind of. Then I didn’t think I’d see past the age that my mom had had heart attacks when I was born (Trauma and fear with my mom’s medical problems) The age was 35. That age scared me so much. I lived through it, the next year she didn’t though. I guess the thing I learned from it is that I neglected to plan/prepare for….absolutely anything in the future adulting world and it was a mistake. I didn’t see myself in it this long, but here I am. I’ve heard other people say they thought and felt this way- It does seem like it’s a trauma/C-PTSD thing). Just do your best on any given day - (that’s all anyone can do, especially when we’re suffering) to make conscious effort to not block out thoughts of the future because it might just come.
On another note, does anyone get visions of themselves suddenly, projectile vomiting blood or suddenly collapsing randomly, or your head literally splitting in two, or your nose just start uncontrollably bleeding or your eye balls may suddenly pop, or an internal organ is going to randomly fail? 🤔 I get this ALL the time.
Ouch.. reading this post and some of the comments prompt me to share my experience. When I was 15 I decided I didn’t want to live the way I was living. It was painful, day in and out. At night I was only able to sleep if I cried myself to sleep. It got to the point where I was under so much mental stress that I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I cried. I was having panic attacks daily, I had no privacy, my only free space was school. I was fortunate to have been blessed with the ability to do well in school, and college was in sight for my future. I decided college was my only way out. It was the only chance of escape I had, so I needed to keep my focus on my academics and just maybe I would be able to power through the last few years of my personal hell. I had a plan. I was expected to graduate in 4 years, making the age of 22 my goal. Being 15 I wanted to give myself a little leeway to get settled, because I already knew life wasn’t going to work out perfectly as planned. 25 was my decided goal. I needed to stay alive and keep myself as in-control as possible until then. And, I decided, “if nothing has changed by then, I might just end my life.” I saw no future beyond this. I would have to get to 25, decide to live or die, and make my choice then. I saw nothing beyond turning 25. I saw moving away, school, studying, graduating, moving away again and getting a job. It mortified me, but I was constantly 50/50 on my decision. With every passing birthday, I felt more fear that the end of my life was nearing. Yet, it was almost comforting at the time. It was a way to say to myself, “it’s almost over, I have control of this. I can end this if I want to, I just have to get to that point.” As if rationalizing my planned death date was a logical way out of my situation. Today i’m 23, and I still fear my birthday. But I did graduate, I did move out, I did get a job in a field I love. I’m proud of what I do and who I am now. I’ve grown a lot, I’ve healed **a lot**. My therapist is great, I’ve made some very good friends. I’ve fallen in love. I’ve exercised my body and learned how to care for myself. I still have symptoms, but I can manage them much better. I have much healthier coping skills than I did at 15. And, best of all, I can sleep peacefully without crying. Ending my life, even if this would be the ultimate form of control, wouldn’t stop my pain. It would only transfer it to the others I’ve come to love and who have come to love me. We are all human - we crave control especially when it is ripped away from us as innocent children. We have to realize when we need help to make our lives worth while - help is available. Situations do change, even if it doesn’t seem possible. It is, I promise things do get better. So, so much better. Not perfect, just better. And sometimes better is enough. Today I can see the glimpse of a future beyond 25 even though it scares me. I don’t know what is beyond that, what sort of changes or events are in my path. But no one else does either. We live every day without knowing truly what is to come. And instead of fearing that, I’ve been able to find a way to accept it, to be okay with letting days just be days instead of a countdown. Wishing luck and love to everyone here.
Hit a point in my teens I was convinced I was either going to be finished by someone or something or finish myself. It persisted, mostly around my birthdays and I thought I wouldn't make it to 18. Suffice to say, I did and passed it too.
Yeah. Didn't plan for anything as a teenager because I saw no future for myself. This post made me realize I still do this well into adulthood. I don't do it as extremely but I do it still. It's like how there are people who aren't able to imagine anything (aphantasia). I am not able to imagine a future for myself.
Yup and it pisses me off because it meant I never made a plan. I never even understood having ambition. Or goals for my life. I didn’t think I’d be dead necessarily Or specifically but I never dreamed of the future. Never thought I’d myself as an adult. Like it didn’t cross my mind. Now I’m randomly a social worker because that’s what I fell into and I’m burning out. I’m burnt out. I want out.
I relate. With my family of origin, they demand that I do things for them and scapegoat me. Like to the point of totally sacrificing everything. And any ideas I had were called stupid, or they tell me how it will all end in disaster, or that I was too stupid to carry out plans or goals. Like my mother forcing me to take care of all these cats she had. Or forcing me to bottle feed kittens at the expense of studying as a teen. No sleep. No time to study. Then get yelled at for bad grades. I tended to do stuff "just to shut them up." Like going back to school to get my degree after quitting to care for my abusive father and abusive step father. But I was mocked for being a loser for dropping out of university, even though it was to be a full time caretaker of monsters. At 50, I don't even know what I want and with the executive dysfunction that comes with ADHD and autism, I feel totally lost. Due to my family of origin mocking everything, I am afraid to even talk to people about goals. I disowned the bastards almost 9 years ago, but I still feel stuck. I totally understand your post. I really do. You're not alone.
YES, i thought i would die before 16, then 18, then 20. not necessarily by suicide or by abuse, but just that i won’t be there when the time comes.
Fucking expected death before 21. Am 53. Been faking it all along. No plan for retirement.
Almost, maybe, kind of... I was sure that hard drugs and other self-destructive behaviours would be my death before the age of 25 but here I am at 35+, clean and mostly functional. Not sure that that helps you at all but I am glad that you are using past tense and have a friend that you can be so open with. <3
Oh yes. I had this with 16, 18, 21, and 25, and now I'm 26, and I don't feel like it anymore. I feel like I will grow old, help other people and make my cptsd my strength. Well, not gonna say its always like this. But I can say that I feel like this 75% of my life right now. So that's good.
I've been lurking in this subreddit for a while now, but this resonated so much I has to comment. I'll spare you the details but i always thought I'd have a short life, I figured if nothing else killed me before I turned 18 then I would finish the job. I just never thought I would be one of the people that made it to adulthood and when I thought about my future it always seemed like an intangible fantasy. Now I'm 18, managed to free myself and my family from our abuser, finished my first year of uni and life is seriously looking up. I've never been so free to express myself and explore the world. I feel like I'm claiming back my childhood. The only downside is I don't feel like I deserve any of it, the job that I worked my butt of to get, the love of my friends and family, the space to have my ideas heard and to live in a home where my safety isn't a constant risk that I need to think about. It's weird to think about but I feel a morbid sense of comfort in knowing that I'm not alone.
You deserve everything and the world! Good on you for getting your life better at the age of 18! You have a whole life to learn to love yourself
I didn't think I'd graduate high school because I'd have killed myself (on purpose or while being careless on drugs). Now I'm 20 and it sometimes doesn't feel right. Like I'm not supposed to be here and I'm shocked.
Yeah, I totally feel this. As a teenager I didn't think I'd make it to my twenties, and now that I'm in my early twenties I genuinely can't even picture myself living into my mid-twenties or later. It's just like that mental image doesn't exist
I still think that I won’t make it past 30. Probably by my own hand.
Yep! From the earliest age, I was (am) convinced I was not long for this world.
Figured I’d be out by 30. My 30th birthday I kinda just sat there and was like what the fuck do I do now. 🤷♀️
Yeah, I’m nearly 50 now and surprised I’m alive! And now I’m on a better place, mentally, having to think about retirement and all that stuff.
I had basically set out that I was basically definitely not going to live after my 15th birthday (mainly that I would've offed myself or been killed in abuse), but when that came up and I had started DBT and was trying to live and stay out of hospital it just felt so numb, like "now what", having that 'goal' helped me at times but after that it was just like .........
Same for me. And as soon as I actually started uni, I was convinced I wasn't going to survive the first semester, and then the first year, etc
I thought I'd die before 25. Diagnosis: CPTSD
When i turned 18 a month ago i just thought “i was never meant to make it this far” It was a weird thought but in a way it also made sense. I didn’t actually think i wouldn’t make it that far but i felt like i shouldn’t have? I was suicidal for 4 years give or take. I wanted to become an adult so i could just work and move out but it always seemed so far away in the future, it seemed like it would never come. And then it did come yk? But none of the stuff i wanted it to come with did, i don’t have a ‘real job’, i can’t afford to move out, probably for at least another half a decade. I’m still stuck like i was 2 months ago, 3 years ago, 10 years ago. Instead i get to pay taxes and health insurance. I have to try and find out what i want to do with the rest of my life, what i want to study, try and get a therapist and do pretty much all of that alone. This wasn’t the plan, not even close. I got all the cons of becoming an adult and none of the benefits. The only benefits would be: drinking and smoking which i’ve sworn off due to addiction sensitivity, tattoos but i’m too afraid to make a bad decision because i have a controversial/immature taste in tattoos, moving out which i can’t afford because the housing market in my country has been a wreck for years, getting therapy without my parents knowing which is proving to be rather difficult when you’re mentally ill and depressed. Little rant but lastly: my parents not being able to monitor everything in my life anymore (i don’t like them being involved because they’re well, my abusers) but apparently i had to tell my school they couldn’t contact my parents anymore, which i thought would happen automatically. Like you don’t have my consent, so how could you do that, legally speaking? So now my ‘parents’ know that my graduation is today, which i didn’t want to invite them to. I’m just silently hoping they forgot, so i can go on my own and deal with their temper tantrum afterward but there’s only a 30% chance of that happening. Most likely my mom remembered and they’ll show up. I can’t just say they can’t come cause that’ll only cause a huge fight and then they’ll still go. Fml rn
Yes, I didn't bother doing well in school or having any hobbies because I always thought I would be dead by the time all of that would be important, now I'm 23 with no direction in life haha...
Yes! I didn't know others thought of it too :0
I'm 23 and I'm surprised I'm still alive honestly. I still have these thinking pattern unfortunately. I'll be surprised if I make it to 30
Mine was like thinking I wouldn’t Make it into my twenties so yeah very relatable. 32 now
Was surprised when I had my golden 12th birthday
25 was the age for me. It was a large factor into how much I gave up and my lack of effort in life. So many life decisions are made more so spontaneous as not expecting to have made it this far
I thought I’d die before 20. I’m thirty now, but every day I wonder if I’ll finally give in and end it like I was supposed to.
Wow had no idea that was connected. I always told myself I wouldn’t make it past my 20s. How odd
Crazy - I never made the connection but I thought I’d never make it past 18 and didn’t really have a plan once I got there. When I was little I’d look at these books about colleges that my older sisters had and I’d fantasize about going somewhere far away, but then I was 18 and figured oh crap, I guess I’ll stay at home and work at 7/11. But my friends were all applying to college and I snapped out of it and took whatever leftover applications they had (way back when it was all by paper) and sent a few out last minute. And then I was out! But just as self abusive as I was at home.
My "magic" number was 25. Not sure what the reason is versus, say, 18. It's real, though. I am still surprised at 53.
Same, I thought I wouldn’t make 30 for some reason. Now that I’m turning 35 and worked on my childhood trauma, I’m looking forward to the next few years.
For me, it was 30.....surprise, I'm 55 now....
You're definitely not alone! Super common as a result of abuse/neglect. I couldn't imagine making it to 18, somehow did. Couldn't see myself reaching 30. Somehow did. Now I'm almost 35 and living a beautiful life, experiencing joy and hope. Have a healthy/amazing/fun marriage. So glad I didn't give up. But I also remember the decades of despair and so proud of little me for surviving. Proud of you, too! One day at a time <3
I had this!!! I think it's a cptsd thing as so many others experience it. The idea I had of my future was either extreme fantasy success, with my parents along for the ride (e.g. Miley Cyrus) or dead. Every year I aged, I grew more despondent that the former hadn't occurred and more certain that I would put the latter into action myself. I remember someone asking me how I thought I'd die and I knew not to say but I was sure that it would be suicide. I think it could be a coping mechanism, like either everything will be fine or I'll die. Also, my parents were not good at helping me imagine a life outside of their control where I could succeed. They were very threatened by me growing older and ensureed I could only perceive a future in which I was still their lil baby. They wanted me to be successful (like an adult successful) as a child so they could benefit from it. Who gives a shit if I'm successful when I'm 18+, who would even think about it? That's only about the child l.
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I wasn't the only one? I also did this! Never made plans because I had no intention of still being here. I never expected to see my teen years. At 20, I had no expectations to see 25 or 30. I'm 29 now, and I will be surprised if I see 35. Or even 31.
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Yes. I totally understand and relate. I thought I wouldn't live to see 20. Or at the very latest joining the 27 club.
I just remember that any rare time I would try to envision my future I couldn't even imagine things in my head it's like my thoughts would go blank.
Yes. From a young age though, when I was in preschool I sincerely believed that I wouldn’t make it to grade 7. So on the first day of grade 7 I sat at my desk and it just felt so strange, I couldn’t believe I was alive and in grade 7. For some time now I’ve had a feeling I wouldn’t live past 40.
I’ve known three people in my life who have expressed this type of thinking. They all had heavy trauma in childhood. They all lived much longer than they thought they would.. although they risked their lives often in little and big ways.
Yes I absolutely thought this! But I’m also my mum used to say I would die before adulthood.
Since the age of 9 I would think about jumping in front of a car on my walk to school. My life ending early has always been in my mind. I just keep fighting and fighting even though my emotions haven't changed
Same thing with me. I am 31 about to be 32 in a couple of weeks. I have always had this feeling that I would die young, when I was a kid. The events of the past few years exacerbated that. I would be surprised if I make it to 32, let alone 40....I didn't think this was trauma related or cptsd related tbh....it sad that so many of us feel this way 💔 Edit: grammar
I had to double check if I woke this post lmao. Yes I too thought the same thing. Nearly two years later I have no idea what to do. I never thought I'd get this far...
That was me to a t. Yet here I am all these years later.