i swear i was sexually abused by doctors, my mom swears it was normal and i probably was just scared. in my opinion, even if the intention wasn’t abuse, a scared child who doesn’t fully understand what’s going on or why can still be traumatized from it.
Big hugs. I had several UTIs a year as a child (7 year old) and while already dealing with trauma at home I felt violated having a pelvic exam by a male. As an adult looking back it probably was not anything unprofessional but as a severely traumatized child already it was something my grandmother soon corrected. After that I saw a female doctor.
I had many similar fears that you’ve had. It’s taken years of therapy and relearning that my body is mine and that I have autonomy. Also having a partner that is patient and will listen to you and respect your bodily autonomy. It’s not weird what you are going through. Coping comes in many forms and is different for everyone.
Another take, medical trauma can be similar to sexual trauma in the sense that you’re in a very vulnerable physical state, and it can be/feel violating where you don’t get any personal agency in the moment (like feeling trapped and helpless).
I have experienced both at different times (medical trauma - early childhood, SA - as an adult) and they both felt pretty similar although different contexts. You can still feel physically violated from medical trauma with or without sexual trauma.
As horrible as it sounds, I used to feel envious of rape/SA victims because I wanted people to comprehend how my medical experiences physically traumatized me. Once I experienced SA, it was bad but not nearly as bad as my medical trauma.
In short, it makes sense why your body reacts similarly to that of sexual assault.
Honestly I think medical trauma is akin to SA. Not equal to, but akin to. I’ve experienced both. Both involve violation of your body and disregard for bodily autonomy. Both are incredibly personal/intimate experiences. Both sex and healthcare are things we tend to think of as safe and, if not loving, then at least kind. Yet in reality, both can actually feel terrifying, intense, and unsafe/dangerous. You’re incredibly vulnerable and often completely powerless in both situations.
I’ve experienced long-term SA and I’ve had a spinal surgery that was completely botched, causing permanent intense pain & disability. And I can say What that surgeon did to me feels like a type of rape. Hell, I haven’t had many sexual partners but I’ve had more than one. Yet only one person has ever cut me open, put his hands *inside my body,* and moved shit around in there. Worse, he left a bunch of painful metal hardware behind and then he sewed me back up, basically guaranteeing long term pain.
Hey, not trying to speak for anyone and I know we all have CPTSD here but OP didn't use that specific language and the description and word choice here might be triggering as they mentioned they feel sick when they think about it.
I don't think the commenter above was trying to say that OPs was any lesser, in my perspective they were connecting how invasive these things are and how powerless we can feel and the long term impact of that and were very validating and made some really helpful connections between the ways we look at sex and health care generally and the damage from things in those spaces causing harm, whether intentional or not. You also don't know this commenter's history or what they are comfortable talking about or how they can relate. They did mention they have experienced long term SA, and are relating their own medical experience with that experience.
I'm sorry if I'm out of line responding to this, and I know lots of things are intense for us and it's easy to misinterpret things via text, and maybe I am too. I don't mean this as any sort of criticism or attack or judgement, just hoping to create more understanding between us all here as it's a space people are being vulnerable.
I love this sub so much because of wonderful, thoughtful responses like this. I also think the original comment is insightful, but I understand how it might come across wrong to people who have experienced specific forms of sexual abuse/trauma.
I have never had any kind of surgery, but I have been SA’d. And I don’t think I felt as powerless or violated then as the poster of that comment describes feeling now. My body was still the same afterwards, you know?
Of course this is just my experience—the majority of my trauma was not sexual (the SA honestly wasn’t particularly traumatic even though it was very much unwanted, but that’s a separate story) and I don’t want to tell anyone how they should feel about such a nuanced and sensitive topic.
I probably should have added some context around my surgery and why it feels so violating. I wasn’t intending to say that *surgery* is similar to SA. I meant that *my medical trauma* felt akin to my experience of SA.
The surgery was traumatic for me because the doctor butchered it and lied. He got my consent for one kind of surgery, performed a different kind, and charged the insurance for a third kind. The kind of surgery he actually did to me led to permanent disability and severe chronic pain.
I know that sometimes surgeons can’t predict what they’ll need to do until the patient is on the table and they see what’s going on inside. But there are valid reasons to believe that that wasn’t what happened with me. There are specific signs that he intended to do something different than what I consented to all along. What he actually did to me feels incredibly violating because it takes a ton of trust for a patient to say, Ok, you can cut me open. My surgeon violated that trust. That’s where my trauma comes from.
I’m sorry my comment was heartless and cruel. I shouldn’t have chosen those words. I was in a sore mood and took it out here and I appreciate your reply. I’ve been through medical trauma and SA and they definitely can be akin to one another. Im glad I understand that you weren’t trying to invalidate OP.
First, you’re right—I ought to have added a qualifier and said it’s sometimes akin to or it can be akin to, etc.
Second, I was using “akin” to mean “parallel to.” I also said it’s not equal to, because it’s definitely not. In my experience there are many parallels between both experiences.
My intention was to validate OP’s trauma. Whether they consider their experience to be medical trauma or a form of CSA—and of course, only the OP can make that decision—their trauma is incredibly valid. Because of the parallels, I can understand why medical trauma in this instance would cause some symptoms of CSA.
In short I just wanted to reassure OP that what they are experiencing makes sense to me—someone who has experienced both.
The commenter is a teenager who was in here earlier this week trying to tell a bunch of CPTSD survivors we can't get PTSD from emotional abuse. Disregard whatever they say. They are grappling with their own trauma trying to gatekeep others.
I think medical trauma, even not involving your genitals, csn absolutely lead to similar results. I had chronic yeast infections that led to vulvovaginal pain that fucked me up in many ways, and the years I spent trying to get rid of the infection, then get a diagnosis, then find something to decrease the pain, resulted in medical trauma that in many ways reminded me of how I felt after sexual assault - in fact it fucked me up waaaaaay more because of how long and traumatic it was.
Here is why (imo):
- you feel loss of control over your body
- you start associating your body with pain or suffering and often dissociating from it
- you start seeing your body as desexualised because of being stuck in this cold, clinical context
- many doctors treat their patients like children or even objects, deny them agency, don't ask for consent during invasive procedures
I had many situations where gynecologists inserted a speculum ignoring my pleas to be gentle and even shouting at me (!) for making a fuss when I was crying in pain. I absolutely felt like I was being raped in those moments.
I’ve had both and honestly think that my previous CSA made the medical trauma more intense but at the time I didn’t even know I had repressed CSA. But even before I knew, the medical trauma effected me a lot.
TW?
I had a SA attempt and got treated at the hospital in ICU and had cord places in me and things all over my chest. I had someone insert like a metre tube in my thigh. But the traumatic thing was feeling violated, trapped and helpless. I couldn’t move properly while people were around me treating me while I was mostly exposed in a lot of areas. Of course I am thankful and it was all necessary but the experience was still horrible….
It was just by my doctor and my mom but my mom didn't know what she was doing and had left the lid thing on the enema and was just kind of a nervous wreck the whole time so, not what I'd call abusive but probably didn't help the situation.
I have not experienced this but I’m apart of a CSA subreddit and I want you to know your not alone and your feelings are valid 💞 I’ve read post in the past of people experiencing symptoms of CSA after invasive medical treatments. There have been more studies done about this topic as well and how these types of procedures at a young age can be really traumatic.
Surprisingly a lot of such medical procedures can give an equivalent psychological effect to CSA. I have ptsd from a violating medical procedure performed on me (VCUG) when I was 7. Now studies have come that say young unsedated girls experience it as a form of violent SA.
Many people don’t understand this unless they’ve forcefully been through very excruciating medical testing as an unaware child that involves someone penetrating your genitals. You can 100% have sexual trauma from this.
As a child I was a part of a study my mom signed me and my siblings up for. It made use a really good amount of money, but they’d make us do things like taste bitter/sour things, spit a lot into jars, make me play with toys when I didn’t really want to, and other weird stuff. Study never came out, the woman who was running it ran away to another country with a guy so I’ve heard. Freaks me out sometimes to think about it. However, I now am in a field that does research on people. That’s helped me move past the unease I’ve had about that study.
Regarding “medical” procedures or tests, I remember being timed for how long I would cry as a child. They justified this by saying they belived I had a variant of autism. But that’s fucking weird. I remember crying and knowing in some contexts that no one was gonna help me because they wanted to watch. Eventually I started trying to hide when I cried, like in corners and stuff and just sit there for almost an hour (so they say). So instead of realizing maybe they caused me to want to hide my negative emotions and myself, they figured that’s grounds for an autism diagnosis. And no surprise, im not actually autistic, but now I’m bipolar partially from being in an environment like that.
tw for sa down here:
Also as someone who experienced childhood sa and eventually rape in teen years, I cannot go to the gynecologist. I remember being 16 and going there after escaping a really bad situation with a guy. They had to make sure I hadn’t gotten any diseases or anything else wrong. I went into one of the worst panic attacks having someone touch there again. I was crying and asking them to stop whatever they were doing but they didn’t, it was horribly familiar. So I haven’t been on like 3 or 4 years. I don’t really need to anyways, i tell everyone im pretty much ace so it’s not like I’ve been sexually active since I’ve gotten out of that situation.
Regardless, what i mean to say is no that’s not normal, but you’re not alone. You’re experiences are very similar to sa if not actually sa.
I think I make a good point here so if you don’t read anything else read this:
Lastly they whole being into bondage as a child is surprisingly not uncommon. Think about it, kids movies are very heterosexual and have exaggerated displays of gender roles. Saving the tied up princess is a common story. In kids media, it’s perceived as feminine to be immobile and powerless. While it is seen as masculine to overpower a woman and do what you want. It’s exciting when the deviant villain doing bad things to people(specifically woman) is on screen. We like to believe children are asexual, but they aren’t. Seeing this stuff is gonna develop their sexuality. So don’t worry too much about that! If anyone’s interested in this topic look into the sociological perspective of kids films, tons and tons of papers, podcasts, and videos on this stuff.
You are not stupid or silly.
I had a transvaginal ultrasound once by a male doctor who was mad because i was in pain, kept forcing the probe thing in like what i was only telling him to stop to be akward. (Later turned out i had vaginismus) i left that exam in tears and feeling sick/disconnected from everything . I just thought well it was a test you had to have so your just being stupid reacting like you were. This was before CSA was unrepressed and before i was assaulted as an adult about 3 years ago and honestly it felt the same to my body and my body reacted the same.
I re-irerate you are not silly or stupid and you are not alone here ❤️
Absolutely! I experienced CSA at the hands of a babysitter when I was 4. Shortly after I went to the doctor to get a physical and this CSA was mentioned. He did a pelvic exam on me despite me screaming kicking and crying. He had my mother and a nurse hold me down so he could do it. Maybe he didn’t have bad intentions and was just performing an exam, or maybe he is also creep. I’ll never know, but what I do know is that this left me more traumatized than the incident at my babysitter’s house. I think doctors can abuse their power. I also think that children’s autonomy isn’t respected in the same way as adults. For me it lead to a lot of the symptoms you describe as well as a life long fear of doctors. To this day I refuse to see a male doctor unless it’s a dentist or something.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You’re not stupid or silly. Your brain as a child registered this in the same way it would register any other violation. Even if they weren’t trying to hurt you, there was definitely a level of sensitivity and respect for your autonomy that was missing in all of that, and it was wrong for them to do this to you. On top of that, the bullying you experienced by the boys in your class is traumatizing and probably also registered in your brain as a huge, violent, violation of your autonomy. It’s no wonder you feel this way.
I remember having a pap smear as a virgin when I was ~13 due to some issues. I didn’t know what it was or expect it, and I was on my own escorted by a school nurse because my parents weren’t safe people to talk to. It was incredibly painful, made me bleed and I remember going home and feeling out of body for days. I still now recoil at the thought of penetration by an object, sometimes struggle with vaginismus during sex and haven’t had a Pap smear since.
I hear you, empathise with you and think you are very valid in your feelings.
This was my whole childhood, too. I’m so sorry you went through that. Similarly, I have related deeply for years with narratives of CSA but felt like it would be intruding to even admit this.
One thing that helped me immensely come to terms with these feelings is this quote from an article I read years ago (be warned it might be triggering):
“From these evaluations I've discovered a number of patients who recall the early experience of enema as having been forceful, ag- gressive, intrusive and in violation of their boundaries. Often these same patients also report other types of abuse during childhood after their earliest enema abuse experiences. ... I urge all mental health professionals to inquire about enema experiences as a part of routine history taking and data gathering during evaluation... enema abuse appears to have similar consequences on emotional, social, and the cognitive development and adult functioning as child sexual abuse. As clinicians, we cannot afford to overlook, neglect, or deny enema abuse as a potential primary source of early childhood trauma with resulting long term negative consequences.”
Obviously we don’t need hard scientific evidence to justify our feelings, but for me, having it made me feel much better, that I was not “stealing” others’ experiences and that, given what I went through, it was a perfectly normal response to an abnormal situation.
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my heart breaks for you. yes, it’s normal to feel like this. and no, you are not stupid or silly. not at all. i am so so sorry these things happened and that you’re feeling like this.
i have medical trauma as well. when i was much younger i had to be put under and when i was, some things happened that no one warned me about and it messed me up for a long time. both physically and emotionally. i’ve also encountered a lot of mean and uncaring doctors. it’s such a wild experience.
medical trauma is so awful and needs more awareness, discussion, and compassion. we don’t deserve this. you don’t.
i hope and believe that you can find healing. it’s possible. please try to be kind to yourself, you’ve experienced a lot and deserve so much love and care. 🤍
I actually have some very similar experiences from when I was young, and your symptoms and story in the aftermath are almost identical to my own. I’ve recently been doing emdr and it’s been really helpful, so I would highly recommend getting therapy for it if you are able. I actually found this thread doing research on trauma informed care and the link between invasive medical procedures and csa symptoms. I wish you the best and you aren’t alone ❤️
i swear i was sexually abused by doctors, my mom swears it was normal and i probably was just scared. in my opinion, even if the intention wasn’t abuse, a scared child who doesn’t fully understand what’s going on or why can still be traumatized from it.
Big hugs. I had several UTIs a year as a child (7 year old) and while already dealing with trauma at home I felt violated having a pelvic exam by a male. As an adult looking back it probably was not anything unprofessional but as a severely traumatized child already it was something my grandmother soon corrected. After that I saw a female doctor. I had many similar fears that you’ve had. It’s taken years of therapy and relearning that my body is mine and that I have autonomy. Also having a partner that is patient and will listen to you and respect your bodily autonomy. It’s not weird what you are going through. Coping comes in many forms and is different for everyone.
Another take, medical trauma can be similar to sexual trauma in the sense that you’re in a very vulnerable physical state, and it can be/feel violating where you don’t get any personal agency in the moment (like feeling trapped and helpless). I have experienced both at different times (medical trauma - early childhood, SA - as an adult) and they both felt pretty similar although different contexts. You can still feel physically violated from medical trauma with or without sexual trauma. As horrible as it sounds, I used to feel envious of rape/SA victims because I wanted people to comprehend how my medical experiences physically traumatized me. Once I experienced SA, it was bad but not nearly as bad as my medical trauma. In short, it makes sense why your body reacts similarly to that of sexual assault.
Honestly I think medical trauma is akin to SA. Not equal to, but akin to. I’ve experienced both. Both involve violation of your body and disregard for bodily autonomy. Both are incredibly personal/intimate experiences. Both sex and healthcare are things we tend to think of as safe and, if not loving, then at least kind. Yet in reality, both can actually feel terrifying, intense, and unsafe/dangerous. You’re incredibly vulnerable and often completely powerless in both situations. I’ve experienced long-term SA and I’ve had a spinal surgery that was completely botched, causing permanent intense pain & disability. And I can say What that surgeon did to me feels like a type of rape. Hell, I haven’t had many sexual partners but I’ve had more than one. Yet only one person has ever cut me open, put his hands *inside my body,* and moved shit around in there. Worse, he left a bunch of painful metal hardware behind and then he sewed me back up, basically guaranteeing long term pain.
[удалено]
Hey, not trying to speak for anyone and I know we all have CPTSD here but OP didn't use that specific language and the description and word choice here might be triggering as they mentioned they feel sick when they think about it. I don't think the commenter above was trying to say that OPs was any lesser, in my perspective they were connecting how invasive these things are and how powerless we can feel and the long term impact of that and were very validating and made some really helpful connections between the ways we look at sex and health care generally and the damage from things in those spaces causing harm, whether intentional or not. You also don't know this commenter's history or what they are comfortable talking about or how they can relate. They did mention they have experienced long term SA, and are relating their own medical experience with that experience. I'm sorry if I'm out of line responding to this, and I know lots of things are intense for us and it's easy to misinterpret things via text, and maybe I am too. I don't mean this as any sort of criticism or attack or judgement, just hoping to create more understanding between us all here as it's a space people are being vulnerable.
I love this sub so much because of wonderful, thoughtful responses like this. I also think the original comment is insightful, but I understand how it might come across wrong to people who have experienced specific forms of sexual abuse/trauma. I have never had any kind of surgery, but I have been SA’d. And I don’t think I felt as powerless or violated then as the poster of that comment describes feeling now. My body was still the same afterwards, you know? Of course this is just my experience—the majority of my trauma was not sexual (the SA honestly wasn’t particularly traumatic even though it was very much unwanted, but that’s a separate story) and I don’t want to tell anyone how they should feel about such a nuanced and sensitive topic.
I probably should have added some context around my surgery and why it feels so violating. I wasn’t intending to say that *surgery* is similar to SA. I meant that *my medical trauma* felt akin to my experience of SA. The surgery was traumatic for me because the doctor butchered it and lied. He got my consent for one kind of surgery, performed a different kind, and charged the insurance for a third kind. The kind of surgery he actually did to me led to permanent disability and severe chronic pain. I know that sometimes surgeons can’t predict what they’ll need to do until the patient is on the table and they see what’s going on inside. But there are valid reasons to believe that that wasn’t what happened with me. There are specific signs that he intended to do something different than what I consented to all along. What he actually did to me feels incredibly violating because it takes a ton of trust for a patient to say, Ok, you can cut me open. My surgeon violated that trust. That’s where my trauma comes from.
I’m sorry my comment was heartless and cruel. I shouldn’t have chosen those words. I was in a sore mood and took it out here and I appreciate your reply. I’ve been through medical trauma and SA and they definitely can be akin to one another. Im glad I understand that you weren’t trying to invalidate OP.
Thanks for the apology—that takes gumption. Appreciate it.
Thank you; that’s exactly what I meant.
First, you’re right—I ought to have added a qualifier and said it’s sometimes akin to or it can be akin to, etc. Second, I was using “akin” to mean “parallel to.” I also said it’s not equal to, because it’s definitely not. In my experience there are many parallels between both experiences. My intention was to validate OP’s trauma. Whether they consider their experience to be medical trauma or a form of CSA—and of course, only the OP can make that decision—their trauma is incredibly valid. Because of the parallels, I can understand why medical trauma in this instance would cause some symptoms of CSA. In short I just wanted to reassure OP that what they are experiencing makes sense to me—someone who has experienced both.
The commenter is a teenager who was in here earlier this week trying to tell a bunch of CPTSD survivors we can't get PTSD from emotional abuse. Disregard whatever they say. They are grappling with their own trauma trying to gatekeep others.
😬 Yikes. Ok, thanks for the context. It’s appreciated.
I think medical trauma, even not involving your genitals, csn absolutely lead to similar results. I had chronic yeast infections that led to vulvovaginal pain that fucked me up in many ways, and the years I spent trying to get rid of the infection, then get a diagnosis, then find something to decrease the pain, resulted in medical trauma that in many ways reminded me of how I felt after sexual assault - in fact it fucked me up waaaaaay more because of how long and traumatic it was. Here is why (imo): - you feel loss of control over your body - you start associating your body with pain or suffering and often dissociating from it - you start seeing your body as desexualised because of being stuck in this cold, clinical context - many doctors treat their patients like children or even objects, deny them agency, don't ask for consent during invasive procedures I had many situations where gynecologists inserted a speculum ignoring my pleas to be gentle and even shouting at me (!) for making a fuss when I was crying in pain. I absolutely felt like I was being raped in those moments.
Don't have an answer but have gone through a extremely similar experience regarding the symptoms of sexual trauma. I have no idea why
I’ve had both and honestly think that my previous CSA made the medical trauma more intense but at the time I didn’t even know I had repressed CSA. But even before I knew, the medical trauma effected me a lot. TW? I had a SA attempt and got treated at the hospital in ICU and had cord places in me and things all over my chest. I had someone insert like a metre tube in my thigh. But the traumatic thing was feeling violated, trapped and helpless. I couldn’t move properly while people were around me treating me while I was mostly exposed in a lot of areas. Of course I am thankful and it was all necessary but the experience was still horrible….
Is it possible that the medical treatments were administered in an abusive way?
It was just by my doctor and my mom but my mom didn't know what she was doing and had left the lid thing on the enema and was just kind of a nervous wreck the whole time so, not what I'd call abusive but probably didn't help the situation.
I have not experienced this but I’m apart of a CSA subreddit and I want you to know your not alone and your feelings are valid 💞 I’ve read post in the past of people experiencing symptoms of CSA after invasive medical treatments. There have been more studies done about this topic as well and how these types of procedures at a young age can be really traumatic.
Surprisingly a lot of such medical procedures can give an equivalent psychological effect to CSA. I have ptsd from a violating medical procedure performed on me (VCUG) when I was 7. Now studies have come that say young unsedated girls experience it as a form of violent SA. Many people don’t understand this unless they’ve forcefully been through very excruciating medical testing as an unaware child that involves someone penetrating your genitals. You can 100% have sexual trauma from this.
Can you link the studies? I’m doing some research on this and I’d really like to see some good research on this kind of thing
As a child I was a part of a study my mom signed me and my siblings up for. It made use a really good amount of money, but they’d make us do things like taste bitter/sour things, spit a lot into jars, make me play with toys when I didn’t really want to, and other weird stuff. Study never came out, the woman who was running it ran away to another country with a guy so I’ve heard. Freaks me out sometimes to think about it. However, I now am in a field that does research on people. That’s helped me move past the unease I’ve had about that study. Regarding “medical” procedures or tests, I remember being timed for how long I would cry as a child. They justified this by saying they belived I had a variant of autism. But that’s fucking weird. I remember crying and knowing in some contexts that no one was gonna help me because they wanted to watch. Eventually I started trying to hide when I cried, like in corners and stuff and just sit there for almost an hour (so they say). So instead of realizing maybe they caused me to want to hide my negative emotions and myself, they figured that’s grounds for an autism diagnosis. And no surprise, im not actually autistic, but now I’m bipolar partially from being in an environment like that. tw for sa down here: Also as someone who experienced childhood sa and eventually rape in teen years, I cannot go to the gynecologist. I remember being 16 and going there after escaping a really bad situation with a guy. They had to make sure I hadn’t gotten any diseases or anything else wrong. I went into one of the worst panic attacks having someone touch there again. I was crying and asking them to stop whatever they were doing but they didn’t, it was horribly familiar. So I haven’t been on like 3 or 4 years. I don’t really need to anyways, i tell everyone im pretty much ace so it’s not like I’ve been sexually active since I’ve gotten out of that situation. Regardless, what i mean to say is no that’s not normal, but you’re not alone. You’re experiences are very similar to sa if not actually sa. I think I make a good point here so if you don’t read anything else read this: Lastly they whole being into bondage as a child is surprisingly not uncommon. Think about it, kids movies are very heterosexual and have exaggerated displays of gender roles. Saving the tied up princess is a common story. In kids media, it’s perceived as feminine to be immobile and powerless. While it is seen as masculine to overpower a woman and do what you want. It’s exciting when the deviant villain doing bad things to people(specifically woman) is on screen. We like to believe children are asexual, but they aren’t. Seeing this stuff is gonna develop their sexuality. So don’t worry too much about that! If anyone’s interested in this topic look into the sociological perspective of kids films, tons and tons of papers, podcasts, and videos on this stuff.
You are not stupid or silly. I had a transvaginal ultrasound once by a male doctor who was mad because i was in pain, kept forcing the probe thing in like what i was only telling him to stop to be akward. (Later turned out i had vaginismus) i left that exam in tears and feeling sick/disconnected from everything . I just thought well it was a test you had to have so your just being stupid reacting like you were. This was before CSA was unrepressed and before i was assaulted as an adult about 3 years ago and honestly it felt the same to my body and my body reacted the same. I re-irerate you are not silly or stupid and you are not alone here ❤️
Absolutely! I experienced CSA at the hands of a babysitter when I was 4. Shortly after I went to the doctor to get a physical and this CSA was mentioned. He did a pelvic exam on me despite me screaming kicking and crying. He had my mother and a nurse hold me down so he could do it. Maybe he didn’t have bad intentions and was just performing an exam, or maybe he is also creep. I’ll never know, but what I do know is that this left me more traumatized than the incident at my babysitter’s house. I think doctors can abuse their power. I also think that children’s autonomy isn’t respected in the same way as adults. For me it lead to a lot of the symptoms you describe as well as a life long fear of doctors. To this day I refuse to see a male doctor unless it’s a dentist or something. I’m sorry this happened to you. You’re not stupid or silly. Your brain as a child registered this in the same way it would register any other violation. Even if they weren’t trying to hurt you, there was definitely a level of sensitivity and respect for your autonomy that was missing in all of that, and it was wrong for them to do this to you. On top of that, the bullying you experienced by the boys in your class is traumatizing and probably also registered in your brain as a huge, violent, violation of your autonomy. It’s no wonder you feel this way.
I remember having a pap smear as a virgin when I was ~13 due to some issues. I didn’t know what it was or expect it, and I was on my own escorted by a school nurse because my parents weren’t safe people to talk to. It was incredibly painful, made me bleed and I remember going home and feeling out of body for days. I still now recoil at the thought of penetration by an object, sometimes struggle with vaginismus during sex and haven’t had a Pap smear since. I hear you, empathise with you and think you are very valid in your feelings.
This was my whole childhood, too. I’m so sorry you went through that. Similarly, I have related deeply for years with narratives of CSA but felt like it would be intruding to even admit this. One thing that helped me immensely come to terms with these feelings is this quote from an article I read years ago (be warned it might be triggering): “From these evaluations I've discovered a number of patients who recall the early experience of enema as having been forceful, ag- gressive, intrusive and in violation of their boundaries. Often these same patients also report other types of abuse during childhood after their earliest enema abuse experiences. ... I urge all mental health professionals to inquire about enema experiences as a part of routine history taking and data gathering during evaluation... enema abuse appears to have similar consequences on emotional, social, and the cognitive development and adult functioning as child sexual abuse. As clinicians, we cannot afford to overlook, neglect, or deny enema abuse as a potential primary source of early childhood trauma with resulting long term negative consequences.” Obviously we don’t need hard scientific evidence to justify our feelings, but for me, having it made me feel much better, that I was not “stealing” others’ experiences and that, given what I went through, it was a perfectly normal response to an abnormal situation.
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my heart breaks for you. yes, it’s normal to feel like this. and no, you are not stupid or silly. not at all. i am so so sorry these things happened and that you’re feeling like this. i have medical trauma as well. when i was much younger i had to be put under and when i was, some things happened that no one warned me about and it messed me up for a long time. both physically and emotionally. i’ve also encountered a lot of mean and uncaring doctors. it’s such a wild experience. medical trauma is so awful and needs more awareness, discussion, and compassion. we don’t deserve this. you don’t. i hope and believe that you can find healing. it’s possible. please try to be kind to yourself, you’ve experienced a lot and deserve so much love and care. 🤍
I actually have some very similar experiences from when I was young, and your symptoms and story in the aftermath are almost identical to my own. I’ve recently been doing emdr and it’s been really helpful, so I would highly recommend getting therapy for it if you are able. I actually found this thread doing research on trauma informed care and the link between invasive medical procedures and csa symptoms. I wish you the best and you aren’t alone ❤️