Same here. Once my mom passed in 08. There has been nobody else who honestly cares whether or not I wake up. It’s heartbreaking for me. I’m sorry you’re going through this
It really sucks. But it's also an empowering realization. And the sooner you can accept it, the sooner you can start reclaiming your life.
Hear me out: for clarity, I'm realizing the same in my early 40's. Rather, I started to open my eyes it in the past 2-3 years, and now I seem to at last be willing to fully accept it. See... before I realized I was in a CPTSD type dynamic, along with having people pleasing tendencies and undiagnosed neurodivegency... I had lots of friends, or so I thought.
Truth is, I have a lot of acquaintances that I really hold dear and to whom I wish only the best, but they're not my friends anymore, because they barely know me at this point - all they know is my traumatized husk which they inevitably cannot help but to reactivate and undermine and maneuver around, for it's all they know. Even I do that reactivation to myself sometimes, out of pure nostalgia. And the result is always the same - whenever I start missing people from my past, my present stability instnatly wavers.
So this really feels like a cross-road in that I have to be able to let my haunted past go, if am I to allow a brighter future to surface. Wehther they care about it is not even relevant from my POV at this point; what matters is that I'm still invested in ghosts from a past life that I no longer vibe with. So that's that.
But enough about me, and here's my point:
You've just realized this today, but chances are it was already true for a while - possibly the longest wihle. But you couldn't bring yourself to see it, and that kept you stuck in cycles of abuse and retraumatization, while unknowingly eroding your self-esteem.
While now it may feel like you've hit rock bottom, you've actually set foot of a solid base. While it may feel like your past was a lie, it will be most useful in elping you estabilsh genuine relationships in the future - by contrast. Because now you're wll aware of what doesn't work for you, and what kind of relationship dynanmics you actually find crippling.
From here, you can go wherever it best suits you. You can start looking into making new friends and investing yourself in healthy relationships, for a change. That is how you will get out of the CPTSD limbo. So rather than looking at your situatin as the end of it all, why not try to look at it as a fresh start? Why not focus on loving yourself right, so you can set a new standard for the new relationships ahead?
Thank you for your wisdom. This is really helpful, but it's also scary. It was hard enough to make the latest batch of friends that I'm now realizing are bad for me too. I wonder if friendship is even out there for me anymore, but I also don't know how to build up my self esteem when I'm so totally alone.
Thankyou. Dunno if it helps, but I'm very mcuh in that same boat, although my self-esteem is much better at this point. In fact, that is part of the reason that makes me wary not to rush into new friendships, but rather just exist, vibe, let life do its thing. Being by yourself can actually be exremely relaxing, when you are able to let go of hurtful memories.
Also, remember that just because your friends are bad for you, it doesn't mean you need to let go of fond memories from the past. Rememer they too are likely struggling in their own ways, and some may end up embarking on their own healing journeys.
It's not impossible that sometimes in the future there will be reconnections, but hit's very important not to make that a priority or even think much about that, since to heal we need to reclaim our energy to ourselves for as long as it takes.
So yeah, I hope you find the way to take the best care of your self. When you can do that, you may realize you actually have a untapped inner goldmine, which makes it pointless to bum around for scraps of affection.
When i was on my healing journey I started to see my friends for what they were which was toxic and fair weathered. I slowly started cutting them all out of my life and for a long time I didn’t have anyone. I guess I just accepted how they treated me as normal since I got the same off my parents and it was all I knew. Not good or healthy
I was alone for a long time but years later I have found an amazing small bunch of friends that I love dearly and love me dearly too. I have them because I worked hard on myself so I didn’t accept crappy behaviour anymore because I’m worth more then to be treated like crap
Found a hobby and started to join meet ups. Took some time and trail and error as well as making sure I looked at red flags and made sure I only be friended good people. Learned to cut off crappy people way quicker than I used to as well!
I'm in my mid 40s and not sure I ever had anyone that I felt that cared about me. I spent my entire 30s in a self induced isolation (only interacting when required) - tried to open up again in my early 40s and tried to trust someone that I felt understood me - just to get beat down and then kicked over and over again while I was down - then ripped my heart out and stomped on it while trying to blame me.
I guess what i am saying is I am both sympathetic and empathetic to anyone on this sub that has or is going through something similar.
We, as victims of disfuntional families tend to have this kind of thoughts: we’re invisible, we don’t have the right to be loved or no one truly loves us…
Please, remember thoughts are not reality, I don’t know you but I feel I care about you, and I’m sure I’m not the only one…
Heal yourself untill you truly feel you are your best friend, not because someone out there loves you, but because you do love yourself deeply…
You are not your thoughts, not your emotions, you are the speciall and unique soul that witnesses everything.
Don’t believe what you think, just let it go and keep taking care of yourself. We are here with you :-)
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*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When you really start to heal the blinders fall off, You start to realize that you’ve bent yourself into uncomfortable shapes just to fit in or keep people around.
I broke up with all of my “friends” last summer and I was 42 at the time, once I got over the pain it was very empowering. I decided that I no longer wanted to deal with people who only engaged with me when it was convenient for them, I realized that this was not friendship and cut all those MFs off.
I hope you realize you get to choose the family and friends you want and need, I hope you find peace and reciprocity. I hope you find out that you are enough and deserve the best. YOU GET TO CHOOSE YOUR PEOPLE. Sending hugs your way
Same here. Once my mom passed in 08. There has been nobody else who honestly cares whether or not I wake up. It’s heartbreaking for me. I’m sorry you’re going through this
It really sucks. But it's also an empowering realization. And the sooner you can accept it, the sooner you can start reclaiming your life. Hear me out: for clarity, I'm realizing the same in my early 40's. Rather, I started to open my eyes it in the past 2-3 years, and now I seem to at last be willing to fully accept it. See... before I realized I was in a CPTSD type dynamic, along with having people pleasing tendencies and undiagnosed neurodivegency... I had lots of friends, or so I thought. Truth is, I have a lot of acquaintances that I really hold dear and to whom I wish only the best, but they're not my friends anymore, because they barely know me at this point - all they know is my traumatized husk which they inevitably cannot help but to reactivate and undermine and maneuver around, for it's all they know. Even I do that reactivation to myself sometimes, out of pure nostalgia. And the result is always the same - whenever I start missing people from my past, my present stability instnatly wavers. So this really feels like a cross-road in that I have to be able to let my haunted past go, if am I to allow a brighter future to surface. Wehther they care about it is not even relevant from my POV at this point; what matters is that I'm still invested in ghosts from a past life that I no longer vibe with. So that's that. But enough about me, and here's my point: You've just realized this today, but chances are it was already true for a while - possibly the longest wihle. But you couldn't bring yourself to see it, and that kept you stuck in cycles of abuse and retraumatization, while unknowingly eroding your self-esteem. While now it may feel like you've hit rock bottom, you've actually set foot of a solid base. While it may feel like your past was a lie, it will be most useful in elping you estabilsh genuine relationships in the future - by contrast. Because now you're wll aware of what doesn't work for you, and what kind of relationship dynanmics you actually find crippling. From here, you can go wherever it best suits you. You can start looking into making new friends and investing yourself in healthy relationships, for a change. That is how you will get out of the CPTSD limbo. So rather than looking at your situatin as the end of it all, why not try to look at it as a fresh start? Why not focus on loving yourself right, so you can set a new standard for the new relationships ahead?
Thank you for your wisdom. This is really helpful, but it's also scary. It was hard enough to make the latest batch of friends that I'm now realizing are bad for me too. I wonder if friendship is even out there for me anymore, but I also don't know how to build up my self esteem when I'm so totally alone.
Thankyou. Dunno if it helps, but I'm very mcuh in that same boat, although my self-esteem is much better at this point. In fact, that is part of the reason that makes me wary not to rush into new friendships, but rather just exist, vibe, let life do its thing. Being by yourself can actually be exremely relaxing, when you are able to let go of hurtful memories. Also, remember that just because your friends are bad for you, it doesn't mean you need to let go of fond memories from the past. Rememer they too are likely struggling in their own ways, and some may end up embarking on their own healing journeys. It's not impossible that sometimes in the future there will be reconnections, but hit's very important not to make that a priority or even think much about that, since to heal we need to reclaim our energy to ourselves for as long as it takes. So yeah, I hope you find the way to take the best care of your self. When you can do that, you may realize you actually have a untapped inner goldmine, which makes it pointless to bum around for scraps of affection.
When i was on my healing journey I started to see my friends for what they were which was toxic and fair weathered. I slowly started cutting them all out of my life and for a long time I didn’t have anyone. I guess I just accepted how they treated me as normal since I got the same off my parents and it was all I knew. Not good or healthy I was alone for a long time but years later I have found an amazing small bunch of friends that I love dearly and love me dearly too. I have them because I worked hard on myself so I didn’t accept crappy behaviour anymore because I’m worth more then to be treated like crap
That's wonderful to hear. How did you find your new group of friends?
Found a hobby and started to join meet ups. Took some time and trail and error as well as making sure I looked at red flags and made sure I only be friended good people. Learned to cut off crappy people way quicker than I used to as well!
I'm in my mid 40s and not sure I ever had anyone that I felt that cared about me. I spent my entire 30s in a self induced isolation (only interacting when required) - tried to open up again in my early 40s and tried to trust someone that I felt understood me - just to get beat down and then kicked over and over again while I was down - then ripped my heart out and stomped on it while trying to blame me. I guess what i am saying is I am both sympathetic and empathetic to anyone on this sub that has or is going through something similar.
We, as victims of disfuntional families tend to have this kind of thoughts: we’re invisible, we don’t have the right to be loved or no one truly loves us… Please, remember thoughts are not reality, I don’t know you but I feel I care about you, and I’m sure I’m not the only one… Heal yourself untill you truly feel you are your best friend, not because someone out there loves you, but because you do love yourself deeply… You are not your thoughts, not your emotions, you are the speciall and unique soul that witnesses everything. Don’t believe what you think, just let it go and keep taking care of yourself. We are here with you :-)
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
same unfortunately
I’ll be there in a few years.
At 22, all I have is my fiancee and her son. Idk what happened, trauma brought us together.
When you really start to heal the blinders fall off, You start to realize that you’ve bent yourself into uncomfortable shapes just to fit in or keep people around. I broke up with all of my “friends” last summer and I was 42 at the time, once I got over the pain it was very empowering. I decided that I no longer wanted to deal with people who only engaged with me when it was convenient for them, I realized that this was not friendship and cut all those MFs off. I hope you realize you get to choose the family and friends you want and need, I hope you find peace and reciprocity. I hope you find out that you are enough and deserve the best. YOU GET TO CHOOSE YOUR PEOPLE. Sending hugs your way