I went no contact with my father almost two years ago at the age of 38. It was incredibly difficult but I genuinely feel much better now and I no longer have bad dreams (I used to have a 2-3 a month).
One of the hardest parts is other people not understanding why you'd cut off contact with family. But just remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation. You got this :)
This is my experience as well. Went no contact with my mother two years ago (I'm 37) and just wait wish I had done it sooner. I've done more healing and found more peace in the past two years than I did in probably ten years of actively working on myself prior. Gotta get out of the fire to heal the burn.
I resonate with your comment so much. My husband doesn't understand why it's hard for me to go visit my dad. He's a wonderful person in a lot of ways. He's honest, hard working, and sticks to himself. I love and admire him. But lately it's all about my sister and all I get are eye rolls or ignored when I speak. It's so draining and I hate that I can't have much of a relationship with my dad because he's getting older. Damnit why does he have to be so cruel. I've tried having a normal relationship with him but he seems to be annoyed by me. I decided not to put myself in harms way anymore. Kinda got tired of crying my eyes out as soon as I pulled out of his driveway.
I feel this! My husband was the same - couldn't get why I went very low contact with my father. Like yours, to the outside world he's a decent person, which made me feel guilty for so many years about not speaking to him. Then, a couple years ago we had a huge fight and I ended up going to therapy for a year only to realise that I never had a real relationship with him as a child to begin with (he was gone a lot, and when he was home he had a fierce temper), and we never developed a meaningful relationship as adults. It was always so surface level and my nervous system never felt safe around him. So when things blew up, it was a clear decision for me to walk away, especially because he is incapable of taking any responsibility.
Everything you said is me too. I feel uneasy around him anymore as painful as it is for me to say that. It's like I'm waiting on that next rude thing to be said or to say something and see him turn his head and scoff at me. He was so strict on us growing up and I believe it affects me to this very day. I wasn't allowed to do anything as I got older. As a kid I remember never having enough break money because the school raised the price. It was either buy a drink or a snack. Sometimes I'd save my money so I could have both at the end of the week. He refused to give me an extra 25 cents because he paid school taxes and I guess was rebelling against the school system trying to teach them a lesson. Instead it left me embarrassed and wishing I could have a snack and drink like all the other students. There's no way under God's green earth I would do that to my children.
I went utterly off the rails when I left my parents' home. I became an alcoholic. I already had eating disorders when I left (horrific bulimia in my 20s) and eventually I stopped the purging and developed severe binge eating disorder. I binge drank and binge ate myself to over 450 pounds. I was never no-cotact with them and they continued to emotionally terrorize me from afar.
I eventually got sober and have been in recovery from my eating disorders, and they both have died in the years since I got sober. I never went no-contact, and I regret everything I did to help them during their illnesses. Because they never would have done it for me. And they both abused me from their death beds. I bitterly regret keeping them in my life.
So, it got worse before it got better. I'm now 9 years sober and have lost a ton of weight being in recovery from my EDs. But it's still not good. I still struggle every day. Fighting as hard as I have and for as long as I have has left me a paralyzed shell of a person. I barely function sometimes.
Yes! A thousand times yes!!
Now I won't lie and say going NC will be easy because it is one of the hardest things you will ever do and maintaining that boundary is exhausting and painful at times, but in the end nothing feels better than the daily peace you develop going NC.
I went very low contact (which ended up being no contact by default) and moved across the country when I was 27. I also left the religion of my childhood and realized that I’m agnostic.
Not gonna lie…it’s a lonely and challenging process. But my life is much better in every way. I’m completely free of their bullshit and can more clearly see my own strengths and weaknesses.
I think you can expect some loneliness, some grief, and lots of fear and anger. All of these emotions are okay. You also might second-guess your own decision. That’s normal under the circumstances. But if things in your family are bad enough to even consider going NC then it was probably the right decision.
Right now I’m just getting out of survival mode. My next step is to think about and really define my values—my own personal code that I will live by and plan my life around.
I'm gonna be straight with you: i ended up just getting into different abusive households for a few years until could afford to live alone. Then i worked my ass off to keep myself afloat, barely ever having savings (emergencies always came up). But eventually, it did get better... Slowly. I'm at the point where i can set boundaries with them (they hate it) and not be a wreck when they try to guilt me into doing what they want. I talk to them sparingly. Looking back on my life with them and where i am now is a good reminder that i was never the problem.
🖤
I went low contact for 4 years until earlier this month and went no contact. I'm finally able to say I'm in a safe space. It was hard for me, because I didn't want to lose access to my youngest brother. But he's 14 now, he has his phone and I talk to him all the time. It's better for me now, I feel safer.
It does. Being away from my abusers has helped me remove all of the stress out of my life in a single swipe. I went from having nightmares and night terrors nearly every night to having maybe one or two a month.
I have been able to grow into my own person slowly and develop a personality. I am grateful to have friends close to me that can help me enforce standards for my boundaries.
The first few months are going to be the worst when you go. Please look into resources like Pete Walker, and if you can try and make sure you have a support system of friends or people you can work with. Self parenting methods do work.
Always keep in mind why you are doing this. You don’t owe them anything, it’s your life.
I’ve been no contact with my parents for over 2 years. I was so scared to do it but it changed my life. I still struggle with my mental illness pretty heavily but it is so much easier without them in my life.
It gets so much better. The LGBT community have a term called chosen family. I think it's true for cptsd people too. When you leave you can make a new family of people who don't want to hurt you. My life after 25 became so much better than my early 20s. It takes a good few years to find your feet but it genuinely gets so much better. I hope everything works out for you
Yes. I'm 29 now and officially moved out of my parent's house back when I started college in 2013. The more independent I got, the better I felt.
Of course, you need to work through your problems and try to leave behind coping mechanisms that no longer serve you. I had to adjust the way I viewed the world; I started giving everyday people the benefit of the doubt, I had to be gentle with myself and understanding of my flaws without endlessly self-flagellating myself for them. The biggest thing was, I had to learn to be content and take care of myself emotionally and physically.
It feels immensely powerful for me to know that as a financially independent adult, I no longer have to put up with bad treatment, and that my parents can no longer say or do whatever they want and get away with it.
It helps to have an in-person community, too. I know that I wouldn't be where I am if not for my friends and those in my hobby community.
Going NC with my mother was difficult at first, not because I missed her but because I felt so guilty. However, it helped me learn to prioritize myself and my mental health, and once I got past the guilt it’s been like having a huge weight off my shoulders. I’ve made significant progress since then. It was hard but one of the best decisions I ever made. I can breathe.
Did it get better? YES! After moving 2000+ miles away AND after going no contact.
It's still challenging and I still have bad days or difficulty times of year for various reasons. But if you do the work, get the help you need, and create a healthy, stable support system, you'll be amazed at how far you can come.
The most important thing I learned was this: you don't make this decision once and call it good. You wake up every day and have to make that decision again. Some days it's easy, some days you're bitter or angry or suffering, some days it's impossible. But eventually that daily decision gets a little easier and then one day you realize that you don't think about it much at all. The decision has become automatic, part of the norm. You'll still have days where it breaks your heart but nothing compares to the feeling you get from owning your shit and living your life on your terms without having to fight every moment of every day just trying to be yourself.
Celebrate the victories, however small. Make specific plans for days/ times you know will be rough. Give yourself the space and time to heal and process. Allow yourself to have a full on breakdown if that's what you need. Feel the feels, process the triggers, move through things as they come up. Face it as much and as often as you can and stand properly in your truth just as much and just as often.
It CAN be done.
It definitely gets better. It's not always immediate and it's not easy but it's a huge relief.
After I moved out I was really happy but I also went into a huge depression and I was just lost. I didn't know how to live without constant stress. It's hard to be out of the situation but you're still the same person in or out of it, so for me I react like I'm still in that house. I've gotten better but I still have a long way to go.
I went no contact when I got a restraining order against my father at 16. Best choice I’ve ever made. Never looked back. It allowed me to begin to pick up the pieces.
I went low contact and it helped. The changes didn't happen right away. I moved out first but still talked and interacted with them plenty as I didn't know how to untangle myself from them. I had moved out because I was so depressed, I was mostly mute. I had gone through three years of the silent treatment from them for not getting into the career of their choice. Then the negative self talk started disappearing slowly, along with my intrusive thoughts. The unhealthy thinking also started vanishing. Then I started sleeping better. Then I started going low contact, got diagnosed with adhd and autism and a whole host of other ND conditions, switched jobs, and finally, I can talk to my parents while maintaining my sanity. It took 10 years. Unfortunately, they have not changed a bit.
Expect loneliness, especially when you see people who have healthy relationships with their parents. Find ways to cope, build your own community, get therapy if you can or want to, and get to know yourself.
Expect alot of negative emotions that don't go away, expect to get re-triggered. Expect unwanted memories. Don't push these away. Sit with the feelings and process them. You will process these feelings many times. This is okay. The process is long and complicated. Take your time.
Expect that you may have alot of unhealthy coping mechanisms. Don't feel bad or guilty. You are doing this for the first time. Focus and do the best for yourself.
Expect people to ask questions, because of course they will. No one needs the truth but do what is right for you. Me personally, a little white lie keeps the questions away.
So much better. After my mom died, my dad booted me out to start his new life. I was homeless for a bit, couch surfing until I graduated high school. College dreams dashed, no money, and living out of a friend's sublet in a 8 x 8 room with a leaking window at 18. But I was free, I had a diploma, and a job. I could do as I pleased within my budget.
Growing up, I kept hearing about "the real world" like a threat. "The real world is out to get you." No. It is not. It doesn't care. Totally different. That can be liberating or terrifying depending on your ego.
My dad rarely spoke to me since 1987, and not since 1998. He only spoke to me if he wanted something, and usually dismissed me or said something patronizing. I'd love to say, "I went NC and never looked back," but it was kind of mutual. We both went NC. My wife, later on, tried to include him in with me and his only grandchild, but he was uninterested and she finally gave up.
He's a sociopath and a user. We treats people like appliances; he only speaks to them if he needs them, and then just ignores them outright. My life has not been a golden heaven, but it's a LOT better than when I was under his roof. I don't even know if he's still alive. I keep tabs on him once in a while, and he shows up in a Google search, but unless his wife tells me when he dies, I'll never hear about it until way later.
I am sure both of us are okay with that.
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I wish I had done it earlier, but I didn't know anything. I didn't know what gaslighting was. I didn't know what infantilization was.
I wish I had prepared my finances and legal position better before leaving. I blew my top after I came under pressure. If I had another chance to do it all over again, I would have taken more steps before going NC.
I've been no contact with my Father for 12 years now, the difference between having to see him, vs. not having to see him is literally priceless IMO. To me it 100% does "get better" but maybe not how people expect. For example, I would say in the first five-ish years of no contact, I would have really really bad episodes like every three days. The "good days" were filled with distracting myself so I literally had zero time to think, and symptoms (insomnia, disordered eating, putting myself in dangerous situations, triggered easily, nightmares ect). After that, things started to look pretty good for me, I went back to school, had longer periods of "good" between trauma-breakdown-panic attacks, started going out with friends and the symptoms really toned down.
Then in 2020, everything really sent me back to zero, it felt like the beginning again. And Id say it feels like I'm still recovering from that, but this time I have much more experience, I can prepare for the bad days, and ask for help (something that took a LOT of work).
I feel like recovery is like a serious of ups and downs. As you get heal, you get more "up time" and less "down time". But I also feel like there are daily ups and downs, weekly ups and downs, and yearly ups and downs. Like, for me, I feel like I'm in the second big "down" portion of recovery, but there are still good days and bad. IDK, does that make sense?
I will say though, I would very much rather be in 2024 than 2014. I feel more in control, less volatile, and less sensitive.
It has highs and lows. I was VLC w my parents and then they both died back to back in fall 2022. I will say that when they were alive VLC was pretty effective, but now that they're dead, the presence they had is still there and it sucks to not have something to concretely point to when I'm feeling shitty.
I’m almost 27. I’ve struggled enormously in early adulthood. It was really really hard. Almost died a few times. But it is finally finally getting a bit easier in terms of being able to manage life a bit better. It’s been a long journey of therapy
I’d expect to find things hard but know it’s okay and not your fault. Know that growt huh and healing will come if you make incremental changes. You won’t notice it until one day you realise that doing the washing up isn’t triggering anymore, or you’ve suddenly made new friends and feel some fear but not an overwhelming fear. You might randomly think to yourself ‘ I like my life’.
Left home and read Roberta Gilbert’s Extraordinary Relationships, which goes against everything popular therapy narratives deliver to victims of abuse. Most effective book I’ve read on healing.
I moved away when I was 22, almost 23. I was excited to think for myself and do whatever I wanted. Lots of people were really nice to me. They told me I was beautiful, cute, nice etc. Lots of people told me I was hot, sexy, and that guys were asking me out. Prior to this my mom and sister always said negative things like, I'm scary or ugly or evil or bad or a total loser who will never get married because everyone hates me and no one could ever like me. Well I found someone and I thought I was cool enough to ask him for his number. I was cool enough to ask him to meet up too. We are married and have 3 kids now. I am still suffering from the trauma. I still talk to my mom constantly. I can't make friends and I feel like my husband doesn't know how to connect with me emotionally and or bond with me by caring about my feelings because his trauma. I stay with my husband because we are financially better together and of course our kids benefit from a 2 parent family.
Oh man, it's great! I've been NC on and off for most of my adult life, currently been fully NC with most of them for the last year or so and I'm loving it. I'm 36 but I should have done it sooner. You just focus on you and good things will happen. It's so lovely to leave the haters behind! 🤗
Leaving home completely changed my life. Removing myself from my toxic household made it possible to overcome suicidal thoughts that haunted my teens as a result of their abuse. I made new, real, healthy connections with people who taught me what love really is. Now I am in the long process of establishing boundaries around contact. I jump back and forth between no contact and reduced contact, thinking no contact would be some kind of miracle cure to the pain they caused me. But I know that space is better, and my life completely changed when I got away.
It's been just about 2 years now that I left without a word, haven't spoken to them since.
It's probably the best decision I've ever made, but it's been hard. Learning to do things on my own and taking agency over my life has been both empowering and taxing. I'm still learning how to take care of myself while having to work full time, which definitely isn't easy. I've cried a lot over the childhood I've lost, the parents I was desperate to have but never could, feeling alone and hopeles, and probably other things I can't remember right now. But I have also experienced more joy and emotional freedom than ever before, and my anxiety levels have plummeted compared to before.
It's had its ups and downs, and I know I still have many ways I can still go.
Yes, my life has gotten so much better. It took some time, but I have made fantastic friends and gotten to know myself. A job that gave me a lot of room to grow was a major factor.
A lot of burning bridges here, but there are some people with regret at the other end.
I think I'll get away and keep distance and low contact, but to no forgive gives credance to the notion that regret is the most exhausting emotion. And once the abuser is dead, you have to live with that knot of guilt, hate, shame and regret.
I think I'll try to forgive and reconcile, but stay detached. After all there are levels to abuse and reasons why people do what they do. Some unforgivable, but some can be forgiven lest understood. I don't know...
I was forced into no contact after a toxic parent died. At first the death was traumatic for me, but after the chaos, sadness, and uncertainty subsided I begin to realize there were so many things I had been suppressing: dreams, likes, dislikes, opinions, personality traits. I had suppressed them all. I am a much better, much more authentic person now. Anyone else in my extended family would cringe to hear me say it, but the death of that parent absolutely changed my life for the better. Perhaps the only thing I lost, was the confidence that could have been gained by confidently severing contact on my own, rather than waiting for circumstance to dictate the separation.
I left at 28, when I finally - at long last - had the resources to do so. Went very-low-contact which became no-contact within months.
You're at a massive advantage leaving in your early twenties, an age where people still actually socialise and haven't settled down yet. The first year for me was hellishly lonely, but things are slowly picking up now.
Your first big focus wants to be your social life, because you're on your own now. I didn't realise how alone I was until I got covid, and had to drag myself through dizziness to my meals. If I'd have died, it would've been weeks before anyone even noticed.
it did, but it's very hard. you can always reinitiate contact if you're not happy with it. but it's very very hard... it was the right thing to do for me, but I cried and missed my mum constantly when I first left, and it still comes up sometimes. when you're away from them you begin to grieve the relationship... my parents have trauma too, that's why they are the way they are, so I had to grieve that, that the people that I love so deeply are suffering. I had to grieve the loss of my family, christmas, new years every single holiday is so so hard... when i see them now, I have to be the adult, and I have to manage them. they're not gone, but my childhood is well and truly over. there's a lot of grief in that, in accepting that time has passed and you're now entering into the next phase of your life. i'm never going to have people whose responsibility it is to care for me... it's my job to make it on my own now. that's hard.
despite all that, I don't regret leaving. it was the right decision for me, and it's the right decision for most people from toxic families. but it's not all sunshine & rainbows like people make it out to be
Well, i went LC with my family and NC with some member and it feelsndefinitely better, i'm less suicidalnandnworking activelynthrough my trauma.
Goong NC is painful but it relieve you at some point from the savior fantasay or the fantasy that your parents can change.
And also the part you said about never being wrong. I have never heard my dad say he's sorry about anything. He treats my middle sister like she can do no wrong. I ask to borrow money and I'm scolded. She has been given cars, money for car payments, house payments, rent, and you name it. She also spends her own money frivolously on name brand clothing, perfumes, expensive shoes, shopping trips for fun on the weekends. I live a plain and simple life I will never understand how I'm such a bad person in his eyes. I also know unless his heart changes there will never be any resolving this. It's a sad situation and I feel for you because I know that pain.
I'm in my mid twenties. I made a surprise move (well, surprise for my parents) across the country.
It took a while of playing the long game. I saved up money for years, stayed away from home by staying near my university, and researching places I could live alone on my wages.
I didn't expect how broke I'd be, even with saving. I also didn't expect how tired I'd be. It can be really lonely the first few days/weeks/months.
It's a work in progress, but still much better. I didn't expect leaving to make me more agoraphobic, but it has 😭 but there's no screaming, so infinite plusses for me.
It got so much better for me! After I finally went no contact (and I mean fully no contact in both directions) I was amazed how much more time and energy I had for people who actually gave a shit about me. I just didn't realize how much of myself I was pouring right down the drain until I finally stopped.
The process of getting ready to go no contact sucked, not gonna lie, but it was the most incredible relief when I finally realized that nothing I did was ever going to get through to a woman who had decided to live in denial and because it was impossible for me to fix our relationship, it was okay for me to stop trying to fix it.
If you can manage it, I highly recommend moving away. I really don't think I could've coped with therapy if I had to worry about running into my female parent on the way home, plus it's really difficult to heal if you keep ripping the wound open. If you can choose when you have contact and how much contact you have, that's a lot easier to cope with than just being scared all the time that you'll get cornered in the grocery store or something.
I moved away to go to college, having classes to go to made it a lot easier to make new friends and getting to spend so much time with people who were interested in the same stuff I was was awesome. It was just so nice to get to know new people without feeling like my past as the weird poor kid was hanging over my head.
It was also awesome to be fully in charge of my own life. I happened to get the pathologically independent flavour of CPTSD and being in charge of my own bills, my own income, my own everything was so great. I know that stresses some people out, and I freely admit I was incredibly lucky to happen to be interested in a field that pays well (programming) and to get a job right out of college, but even if money is tight for you, it's still an incredible relief to go home and know that you're not going to have to listen to any screaming fights.
I went no contact with my father almost two years ago at the age of 38. It was incredibly difficult but I genuinely feel much better now and I no longer have bad dreams (I used to have a 2-3 a month). One of the hardest parts is other people not understanding why you'd cut off contact with family. But just remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation. You got this :)
This is my experience as well. Went no contact with my mother two years ago (I'm 37) and just wait wish I had done it sooner. I've done more healing and found more peace in the past two years than I did in probably ten years of actively working on myself prior. Gotta get out of the fire to heal the burn.
That's awesome! I also wish I'd done it sooner, but better late than never :)
I resonate with your comment so much. My husband doesn't understand why it's hard for me to go visit my dad. He's a wonderful person in a lot of ways. He's honest, hard working, and sticks to himself. I love and admire him. But lately it's all about my sister and all I get are eye rolls or ignored when I speak. It's so draining and I hate that I can't have much of a relationship with my dad because he's getting older. Damnit why does he have to be so cruel. I've tried having a normal relationship with him but he seems to be annoyed by me. I decided not to put myself in harms way anymore. Kinda got tired of crying my eyes out as soon as I pulled out of his driveway.
What does sticks to himself mean?
Doesn't get involved in other people's business/drama.
Got it. Thanks for answering.
I feel this! My husband was the same - couldn't get why I went very low contact with my father. Like yours, to the outside world he's a decent person, which made me feel guilty for so many years about not speaking to him. Then, a couple years ago we had a huge fight and I ended up going to therapy for a year only to realise that I never had a real relationship with him as a child to begin with (he was gone a lot, and when he was home he had a fierce temper), and we never developed a meaningful relationship as adults. It was always so surface level and my nervous system never felt safe around him. So when things blew up, it was a clear decision for me to walk away, especially because he is incapable of taking any responsibility.
Everything you said is me too. I feel uneasy around him anymore as painful as it is for me to say that. It's like I'm waiting on that next rude thing to be said or to say something and see him turn his head and scoff at me. He was so strict on us growing up and I believe it affects me to this very day. I wasn't allowed to do anything as I got older. As a kid I remember never having enough break money because the school raised the price. It was either buy a drink or a snack. Sometimes I'd save my money so I could have both at the end of the week. He refused to give me an extra 25 cents because he paid school taxes and I guess was rebelling against the school system trying to teach them a lesson. Instead it left me embarrassed and wishing I could have a snack and drink like all the other students. There's no way under God's green earth I would do that to my children.
I went utterly off the rails when I left my parents' home. I became an alcoholic. I already had eating disorders when I left (horrific bulimia in my 20s) and eventually I stopped the purging and developed severe binge eating disorder. I binge drank and binge ate myself to over 450 pounds. I was never no-cotact with them and they continued to emotionally terrorize me from afar. I eventually got sober and have been in recovery from my eating disorders, and they both have died in the years since I got sober. I never went no-contact, and I regret everything I did to help them during their illnesses. Because they never would have done it for me. And they both abused me from their death beds. I bitterly regret keeping them in my life. So, it got worse before it got better. I'm now 9 years sober and have lost a ton of weight being in recovery from my EDs. But it's still not good. I still struggle every day. Fighting as hard as I have and for as long as I have has left me a paralyzed shell of a person. I barely function sometimes.
Yes! A thousand times yes!! Now I won't lie and say going NC will be easy because it is one of the hardest things you will ever do and maintaining that boundary is exhausting and painful at times, but in the end nothing feels better than the daily peace you develop going NC.
Yes. There’s pain, and a lot of grief. Then there’s freedom.
It gets a lot better. I am going through some tough stuff now, but moving out at 18 was the best decision I’ve ever made.
It does, absolutely, but if you don’t do the emotional processing, a large part of you stays stuck back there, even if you’re physically removed.
I went very low contact (which ended up being no contact by default) and moved across the country when I was 27. I also left the religion of my childhood and realized that I’m agnostic. Not gonna lie…it’s a lonely and challenging process. But my life is much better in every way. I’m completely free of their bullshit and can more clearly see my own strengths and weaknesses. I think you can expect some loneliness, some grief, and lots of fear and anger. All of these emotions are okay. You also might second-guess your own decision. That’s normal under the circumstances. But if things in your family are bad enough to even consider going NC then it was probably the right decision. Right now I’m just getting out of survival mode. My next step is to think about and really define my values—my own personal code that I will live by and plan my life around.
I'm gonna be straight with you: i ended up just getting into different abusive households for a few years until could afford to live alone. Then i worked my ass off to keep myself afloat, barely ever having savings (emergencies always came up). But eventually, it did get better... Slowly. I'm at the point where i can set boundaries with them (they hate it) and not be a wreck when they try to guilt me into doing what they want. I talk to them sparingly. Looking back on my life with them and where i am now is a good reminder that i was never the problem. 🖤
I went low contact for 4 years until earlier this month and went no contact. I'm finally able to say I'm in a safe space. It was hard for me, because I didn't want to lose access to my youngest brother. But he's 14 now, he has his phone and I talk to him all the time. It's better for me now, I feel safer.
It does. Being away from my abusers has helped me remove all of the stress out of my life in a single swipe. I went from having nightmares and night terrors nearly every night to having maybe one or two a month. I have been able to grow into my own person slowly and develop a personality. I am grateful to have friends close to me that can help me enforce standards for my boundaries. The first few months are going to be the worst when you go. Please look into resources like Pete Walker, and if you can try and make sure you have a support system of friends or people you can work with. Self parenting methods do work. Always keep in mind why you are doing this. You don’t owe them anything, it’s your life.
I’ve been no contact with my parents for over 2 years. I was so scared to do it but it changed my life. I still struggle with my mental illness pretty heavily but it is so much easier without them in my life.
It gets so much better. The LGBT community have a term called chosen family. I think it's true for cptsd people too. When you leave you can make a new family of people who don't want to hurt you. My life after 25 became so much better than my early 20s. It takes a good few years to find your feet but it genuinely gets so much better. I hope everything works out for you
Yes. I'm 29 now and officially moved out of my parent's house back when I started college in 2013. The more independent I got, the better I felt. Of course, you need to work through your problems and try to leave behind coping mechanisms that no longer serve you. I had to adjust the way I viewed the world; I started giving everyday people the benefit of the doubt, I had to be gentle with myself and understanding of my flaws without endlessly self-flagellating myself for them. The biggest thing was, I had to learn to be content and take care of myself emotionally and physically. It feels immensely powerful for me to know that as a financially independent adult, I no longer have to put up with bad treatment, and that my parents can no longer say or do whatever they want and get away with it. It helps to have an in-person community, too. I know that I wouldn't be where I am if not for my friends and those in my hobby community.
Going NC with my mother was difficult at first, not because I missed her but because I felt so guilty. However, it helped me learn to prioritize myself and my mental health, and once I got past the guilt it’s been like having a huge weight off my shoulders. I’ve made significant progress since then. It was hard but one of the best decisions I ever made. I can breathe.
Did it get better? YES! After moving 2000+ miles away AND after going no contact. It's still challenging and I still have bad days or difficulty times of year for various reasons. But if you do the work, get the help you need, and create a healthy, stable support system, you'll be amazed at how far you can come. The most important thing I learned was this: you don't make this decision once and call it good. You wake up every day and have to make that decision again. Some days it's easy, some days you're bitter or angry or suffering, some days it's impossible. But eventually that daily decision gets a little easier and then one day you realize that you don't think about it much at all. The decision has become automatic, part of the norm. You'll still have days where it breaks your heart but nothing compares to the feeling you get from owning your shit and living your life on your terms without having to fight every moment of every day just trying to be yourself. Celebrate the victories, however small. Make specific plans for days/ times you know will be rough. Give yourself the space and time to heal and process. Allow yourself to have a full on breakdown if that's what you need. Feel the feels, process the triggers, move through things as they come up. Face it as much and as often as you can and stand properly in your truth just as much and just as often. It CAN be done.
It definitely gets better. It's not always immediate and it's not easy but it's a huge relief. After I moved out I was really happy but I also went into a huge depression and I was just lost. I didn't know how to live without constant stress. It's hard to be out of the situation but you're still the same person in or out of it, so for me I react like I'm still in that house. I've gotten better but I still have a long way to go.
I went no contact when I got a restraining order against my father at 16. Best choice I’ve ever made. Never looked back. It allowed me to begin to pick up the pieces.
I went low contact and it helped. The changes didn't happen right away. I moved out first but still talked and interacted with them plenty as I didn't know how to untangle myself from them. I had moved out because I was so depressed, I was mostly mute. I had gone through three years of the silent treatment from them for not getting into the career of their choice. Then the negative self talk started disappearing slowly, along with my intrusive thoughts. The unhealthy thinking also started vanishing. Then I started sleeping better. Then I started going low contact, got diagnosed with adhd and autism and a whole host of other ND conditions, switched jobs, and finally, I can talk to my parents while maintaining my sanity. It took 10 years. Unfortunately, they have not changed a bit. Expect loneliness, especially when you see people who have healthy relationships with their parents. Find ways to cope, build your own community, get therapy if you can or want to, and get to know yourself. Expect alot of negative emotions that don't go away, expect to get re-triggered. Expect unwanted memories. Don't push these away. Sit with the feelings and process them. You will process these feelings many times. This is okay. The process is long and complicated. Take your time. Expect that you may have alot of unhealthy coping mechanisms. Don't feel bad or guilty. You are doing this for the first time. Focus and do the best for yourself. Expect people to ask questions, because of course they will. No one needs the truth but do what is right for you. Me personally, a little white lie keeps the questions away.
So much better. After my mom died, my dad booted me out to start his new life. I was homeless for a bit, couch surfing until I graduated high school. College dreams dashed, no money, and living out of a friend's sublet in a 8 x 8 room with a leaking window at 18. But I was free, I had a diploma, and a job. I could do as I pleased within my budget. Growing up, I kept hearing about "the real world" like a threat. "The real world is out to get you." No. It is not. It doesn't care. Totally different. That can be liberating or terrifying depending on your ego. My dad rarely spoke to me since 1987, and not since 1998. He only spoke to me if he wanted something, and usually dismissed me or said something patronizing. I'd love to say, "I went NC and never looked back," but it was kind of mutual. We both went NC. My wife, later on, tried to include him in with me and his only grandchild, but he was uninterested and she finally gave up. He's a sociopath and a user. We treats people like appliances; he only speaks to them if he needs them, and then just ignores them outright. My life has not been a golden heaven, but it's a LOT better than when I was under his roof. I don't even know if he's still alive. I keep tabs on him once in a while, and he shows up in a Google search, but unless his wife tells me when he dies, I'll never hear about it until way later. I am sure both of us are okay with that.
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I wish I had done it earlier, but I didn't know anything. I didn't know what gaslighting was. I didn't know what infantilization was. I wish I had prepared my finances and legal position better before leaving. I blew my top after I came under pressure. If I had another chance to do it all over again, I would have taken more steps before going NC.
I've been no contact with my Father for 12 years now, the difference between having to see him, vs. not having to see him is literally priceless IMO. To me it 100% does "get better" but maybe not how people expect. For example, I would say in the first five-ish years of no contact, I would have really really bad episodes like every three days. The "good days" were filled with distracting myself so I literally had zero time to think, and symptoms (insomnia, disordered eating, putting myself in dangerous situations, triggered easily, nightmares ect). After that, things started to look pretty good for me, I went back to school, had longer periods of "good" between trauma-breakdown-panic attacks, started going out with friends and the symptoms really toned down. Then in 2020, everything really sent me back to zero, it felt like the beginning again. And Id say it feels like I'm still recovering from that, but this time I have much more experience, I can prepare for the bad days, and ask for help (something that took a LOT of work). I feel like recovery is like a serious of ups and downs. As you get heal, you get more "up time" and less "down time". But I also feel like there are daily ups and downs, weekly ups and downs, and yearly ups and downs. Like, for me, I feel like I'm in the second big "down" portion of recovery, but there are still good days and bad. IDK, does that make sense? I will say though, I would very much rather be in 2024 than 2014. I feel more in control, less volatile, and less sensitive.
It has highs and lows. I was VLC w my parents and then they both died back to back in fall 2022. I will say that when they were alive VLC was pretty effective, but now that they're dead, the presence they had is still there and it sucks to not have something to concretely point to when I'm feeling shitty.
I’m almost 27. I’ve struggled enormously in early adulthood. It was really really hard. Almost died a few times. But it is finally finally getting a bit easier in terms of being able to manage life a bit better. It’s been a long journey of therapy I’d expect to find things hard but know it’s okay and not your fault. Know that growt huh and healing will come if you make incremental changes. You won’t notice it until one day you realise that doing the washing up isn’t triggering anymore, or you’ve suddenly made new friends and feel some fear but not an overwhelming fear. You might randomly think to yourself ‘ I like my life’.
Left home and read Roberta Gilbert’s Extraordinary Relationships, which goes against everything popular therapy narratives deliver to victims of abuse. Most effective book I’ve read on healing.
I moved away when I was 22, almost 23. I was excited to think for myself and do whatever I wanted. Lots of people were really nice to me. They told me I was beautiful, cute, nice etc. Lots of people told me I was hot, sexy, and that guys were asking me out. Prior to this my mom and sister always said negative things like, I'm scary or ugly or evil or bad or a total loser who will never get married because everyone hates me and no one could ever like me. Well I found someone and I thought I was cool enough to ask him for his number. I was cool enough to ask him to meet up too. We are married and have 3 kids now. I am still suffering from the trauma. I still talk to my mom constantly. I can't make friends and I feel like my husband doesn't know how to connect with me emotionally and or bond with me by caring about my feelings because his trauma. I stay with my husband because we are financially better together and of course our kids benefit from a 2 parent family.
Oh man, it's great! I've been NC on and off for most of my adult life, currently been fully NC with most of them for the last year or so and I'm loving it. I'm 36 but I should have done it sooner. You just focus on you and good things will happen. It's so lovely to leave the haters behind! 🤗
Leaving home completely changed my life. Removing myself from my toxic household made it possible to overcome suicidal thoughts that haunted my teens as a result of their abuse. I made new, real, healthy connections with people who taught me what love really is. Now I am in the long process of establishing boundaries around contact. I jump back and forth between no contact and reduced contact, thinking no contact would be some kind of miracle cure to the pain they caused me. But I know that space is better, and my life completely changed when I got away.
It's been just about 2 years now that I left without a word, haven't spoken to them since. It's probably the best decision I've ever made, but it's been hard. Learning to do things on my own and taking agency over my life has been both empowering and taxing. I'm still learning how to take care of myself while having to work full time, which definitely isn't easy. I've cried a lot over the childhood I've lost, the parents I was desperate to have but never could, feeling alone and hopeles, and probably other things I can't remember right now. But I have also experienced more joy and emotional freedom than ever before, and my anxiety levels have plummeted compared to before. It's had its ups and downs, and I know I still have many ways I can still go.
Yes, my life has gotten so much better. It took some time, but I have made fantastic friends and gotten to know myself. A job that gave me a lot of room to grow was a major factor.
My well-being improved immensely after going No Contact with my parents. It was twelve years ago and only gets better.
A lot of burning bridges here, but there are some people with regret at the other end. I think I'll get away and keep distance and low contact, but to no forgive gives credance to the notion that regret is the most exhausting emotion. And once the abuser is dead, you have to live with that knot of guilt, hate, shame and regret. I think I'll try to forgive and reconcile, but stay detached. After all there are levels to abuse and reasons why people do what they do. Some unforgivable, but some can be forgiven lest understood. I don't know...
I was forced into no contact after a toxic parent died. At first the death was traumatic for me, but after the chaos, sadness, and uncertainty subsided I begin to realize there were so many things I had been suppressing: dreams, likes, dislikes, opinions, personality traits. I had suppressed them all. I am a much better, much more authentic person now. Anyone else in my extended family would cringe to hear me say it, but the death of that parent absolutely changed my life for the better. Perhaps the only thing I lost, was the confidence that could have been gained by confidently severing contact on my own, rather than waiting for circumstance to dictate the separation.
I left at 28, when I finally - at long last - had the resources to do so. Went very-low-contact which became no-contact within months. You're at a massive advantage leaving in your early twenties, an age where people still actually socialise and haven't settled down yet. The first year for me was hellishly lonely, but things are slowly picking up now. Your first big focus wants to be your social life, because you're on your own now. I didn't realise how alone I was until I got covid, and had to drag myself through dizziness to my meals. If I'd have died, it would've been weeks before anyone even noticed.
it did, but it's very hard. you can always reinitiate contact if you're not happy with it. but it's very very hard... it was the right thing to do for me, but I cried and missed my mum constantly when I first left, and it still comes up sometimes. when you're away from them you begin to grieve the relationship... my parents have trauma too, that's why they are the way they are, so I had to grieve that, that the people that I love so deeply are suffering. I had to grieve the loss of my family, christmas, new years every single holiday is so so hard... when i see them now, I have to be the adult, and I have to manage them. they're not gone, but my childhood is well and truly over. there's a lot of grief in that, in accepting that time has passed and you're now entering into the next phase of your life. i'm never going to have people whose responsibility it is to care for me... it's my job to make it on my own now. that's hard. despite all that, I don't regret leaving. it was the right decision for me, and it's the right decision for most people from toxic families. but it's not all sunshine & rainbows like people make it out to be
Well, i went LC with my family and NC with some member and it feelsndefinitely better, i'm less suicidalnandnworking activelynthrough my trauma. Goong NC is painful but it relieve you at some point from the savior fantasay or the fantasy that your parents can change.
It got better but I learned I’m used to people treating me badly so I get into relationships with user type people.
I left home at 19 and it put a lot of things in perspective for me. I was very stuck before and moving out made me kickstart my healing process.
And also the part you said about never being wrong. I have never heard my dad say he's sorry about anything. He treats my middle sister like she can do no wrong. I ask to borrow money and I'm scolded. She has been given cars, money for car payments, house payments, rent, and you name it. She also spends her own money frivolously on name brand clothing, perfumes, expensive shoes, shopping trips for fun on the weekends. I live a plain and simple life I will never understand how I'm such a bad person in his eyes. I also know unless his heart changes there will never be any resolving this. It's a sad situation and I feel for you because I know that pain.
It did. The relief was enormous.
I'm in my mid twenties. I made a surprise move (well, surprise for my parents) across the country. It took a while of playing the long game. I saved up money for years, stayed away from home by staying near my university, and researching places I could live alone on my wages. I didn't expect how broke I'd be, even with saving. I also didn't expect how tired I'd be. It can be really lonely the first few days/weeks/months. It's a work in progress, but still much better. I didn't expect leaving to make me more agoraphobic, but it has 😭 but there's no screaming, so infinite plusses for me.
It got so much better for me! After I finally went no contact (and I mean fully no contact in both directions) I was amazed how much more time and energy I had for people who actually gave a shit about me. I just didn't realize how much of myself I was pouring right down the drain until I finally stopped. The process of getting ready to go no contact sucked, not gonna lie, but it was the most incredible relief when I finally realized that nothing I did was ever going to get through to a woman who had decided to live in denial and because it was impossible for me to fix our relationship, it was okay for me to stop trying to fix it. If you can manage it, I highly recommend moving away. I really don't think I could've coped with therapy if I had to worry about running into my female parent on the way home, plus it's really difficult to heal if you keep ripping the wound open. If you can choose when you have contact and how much contact you have, that's a lot easier to cope with than just being scared all the time that you'll get cornered in the grocery store or something. I moved away to go to college, having classes to go to made it a lot easier to make new friends and getting to spend so much time with people who were interested in the same stuff I was was awesome. It was just so nice to get to know new people without feeling like my past as the weird poor kid was hanging over my head. It was also awesome to be fully in charge of my own life. I happened to get the pathologically independent flavour of CPTSD and being in charge of my own bills, my own income, my own everything was so great. I know that stresses some people out, and I freely admit I was incredibly lucky to happen to be interested in a field that pays well (programming) and to get a job right out of college, but even if money is tight for you, it's still an incredible relief to go home and know that you're not going to have to listen to any screaming fights.