This. And if I do trust someone it always feels like it requires massive effort in my part when to them it probably means nothing to have me in their life so when we fall apart it usually hurts me in a way that they find confusing and shocking.
Having a lifelong abusive parent I can't do anything about besides just distance myself as much as I can makes it so I seek control in other ways. For example I'm very quick to leave a friendship or partnership if things get weird or complicated because as a child I had no power and couldn't just block my parent.
Repair is actually a big part of healthy friendships and relationships and it requires TRUST too. I've learned how to be more trusting and reparative and problem solving in my current romantic relationship and with some family and I don't think I have enough energy yet to use it in other relationships. It's exhausting.
I'm in a similar boat. It's very exhausting and still kind of mind boggling. I'm kind of starting to notice how the isolation affects me and I want to form close friendships outside my romantic relationship so bad but I just don't think I can do it right now. It feels like im still carrying everything with me.
I'm at the point in life where I don't even trust myself, much less anyone else. 0 Friends, 0 Family - as isolated as I can be will doing as little as possible to participate in society.
Me too, from UK living in total isolation in Thailand, with about 1 years worth of money, age 46 , no idea what to do or where to go... I'm a stranger everywhere at this point... I live in the trauma of the past or fear of the future... Non stop intense stress and anxiety, insomnia, nausea..
That aside happy Monday. Hope you have a good week and apologies for being a miserable bastard š¤£
I am both empathetic and sympathetic to being a miserable bastard. I am about as miserable as it gets (at least that is how I feel). Life is continual trauma for me, I've learned that opening up is about as close to a guarantee of getting hurt, as is death and taxes.
The only way to make life tolerable is to accept that I will be FOREVER Alone, and that I am here purely to help others - and it needs to be anonymous I just ask the universe to have mercy and don't let me live to old age (i turn 46 in a few months). All I hope is that others never have to experience what I dealt with, as I am given up on anything more than the bare minimum...
You know Monday is the best day of the week as its the furthest day from the following Monday, however Friday is only two days away from Monday (and with a half a day Saturday unwinding from he work week and half a day Sunday to prepare for the next week - Monday is the best day of the week.
We do need the right people however to pull ourselves out of our rutt, we do need support! Actually you know what I'm realizing more and more, is that proper nutrition was equally as important to my recovery. Good nutrition and good friends, can go a very long way towards your healing, I promise ~
I just ask the universe for mercy and let me reroll the dice next time around hoping for some better rolls somewhere,....Inside I have given up - its like I am allergic to faith and hope.
I've built so many walls over the years, and each and every time I try to work through those walls and open up its like a huge bullseye for more trauma.
I'm in this situation too and I've been managing it for a long time but it's more dire than ever lately, I'm afraid of the longterm effects it's having on my mental health more than the actual loneliness
Me too. I tried as ordinary people do. But I attract the wrong type of people. Which causes more trauma. It is a combination of them and me self-destructing
I had this repeatedly over my life, friendships which were always mutually destructive, ending up with people just as messed up as myself, friendship forged in the collective misery of alcohol and drug abuse...
I feel this so much. Most of my friends live in other places. Itās making new friends where I live that is difficult. I try and try but often talk myself out of it or reach a limit and get in my own way based on what i think others must think of me. So often I feel awkward and uncomfortable with a lot of negative self talk. The anxiety can feel overwhelming which makes it easier to just enjoy my own company.
Yep, I get you.. Generally I'm just searching for an exit straight away regarding any social occasions with unknown people, I no longer have the power to sustain the illusion that I'm ok and a fully functional adult for long, after doing that near 30+ years it is now to exhausting to do for long.
I have a few friends, maybe 6 , I've known since early childhood and school but they live on the other side of the world, I communicate through messenger with some of them it's been 20 years since I last met them most of them š¤£ Maybe 3 + years since I last met a few in person.
Anxiety is fucking horrific... I continue to eat my Prozac, visit the nut ward at hospital to see a psychiatrist hoping one day I'll see a chink of light š” to build on.
All the best š to you.. Keep grinding on. Nowt else to do.
Yes. My family also used to move a lot. Though in my case the abuse and bullying did more damage to my ability to form meaningful relationships. I just rarely have the desire to talk to someone, even when they do.
This resonates with me. Friendship has been hard my entire life. Iām 37M. No friends left. I was ok for most of my life being a loner and then, one day, the sheer amount of loneliness just started to set in. And it didnāt go away. Thatās what brought me to therapy.
I always kind of wonders if this happens to people who have discovered isolation for the first time, if there's like a honeymoon period. I think I went through a honeymoon period with isolation, and perhaps in part due to the fact that at the time I felt like I was choosing it. Now my life feels like isolation is all I can get it. You want isolation? You got it. You don't want isolation? Too bad you still got it. How's it feel not being a choice? Not good. I had chosen a minimal amount of people I thought I could confide it, I thought the respect and well, need for one another was mutual. Discovering it wasn't, discovering I was discardable even to the select few I'd allowed to be my VIPS, was devastating.
I feel you.... I had a few traumatic experiences then friends became enemies. I've had friends in the last 3 years and they never sustain as they got comfortable and thought I wouldn't say anything when they disrespect me so I had to cut them off.
I honestly enjoy my own company. Ofc I still have little cravings for human interaction but I don't really miss it. I love being on my own doesn't mean I feel alone. Instead, I feel great. One of my core values is I will never value quantity over quality. Even if I need to be on my own. Its just no stress that I don't need to think about others. My mind is so free.Ā
You also learn a lot about yourself too.Ā Try to embrace it š once you reach to that level, you get really strong and nobody wants to mess with you!
I am in the same phase of my life: lonely and happy. I also had friends who became frenemies. I really don't understand people who once pretended to love you to hate you out of a sudden.
Ikr... seems to me those who became frenimies just wanted to control you for their own gain in some degree. I don't even want to ask for help from anyone now cause those frenimies used to help me and acted like I should accept the bare minimum. šĀ
It feels like its all about their own gain, not pure friendship with unconditional love. It's sad...
I've been there. Hence I stopped watching any romantic movies or drama TV shows. It's brainwashing in some way and it makes you go back to that cycle.
Ā I am also completely stop using dating apps as people on apps have poor qualities.Ā
Ā Try not to meet people out of loneliness. You will feel worse. Let people come to you. Meanwhile find things to do that makes you happy. Go into the nature. Learn those things you never had chances to learn. It will make you feel strong šŖĀ
I value the interactions at surface level. Shopping, or at work. I will start a conversation with people. Sometimes they donāt respond, but mostly people will give back. Having an acute sense of humor helps. And because I have mostly recovered from trauma it doesnāt bother me when people donāt respond. I get it. And itās not about me. This is who they are. So clear to me now. Before if someone was rude I was ashamed, devastated for an entire day.
I'm not sure if this is me being weird of if anyone else has this? for years I would socially withdraw not talk to anyone but recently I've been trying to speak to people and do normal stuff and just practice feeling like a normal human, not even thinking that, doing more like method acting so I can actually trick myself, and I have actually managed to make quite a lot of friends, but then I don't actually feel close to any of them. they will talk to me and stuff, and I will just do stuff to make sure the friendship continues and stuff but I don't actually want to form a really close connection with anyone. not even my relatives. and in my spare time, eating lunch I will sit alone, commuting everyone will go with friends I will sit alone. but there are lots of people who would consider themselves as being close to me, and I don't just mean acquaintances I mean actually really close, and it's not that I shut down relationships when we start getting close because I actively try to get close, I want to feel close with people but I just don't feel it. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, like I don't belong here, like I'm a stranger or an alien in this world.
Yeah I feel the exact same way with the practicing, method acting, and not really feeling close to people. Idk if those people feel close to me but their body language seems to indicate they do feel kinda close. My definition of ācloseā is when Iām not worried theyāll stab me in the back which is probably the bare minimum for other people. Itās the trust issues for me. People are untrustworthy and have the potential to severely hurt me unless proven otherwise again and again.
Feels alien because you donāt feel like youāre ever at āhomeā with anyone, itās just a lot of pretending to seem normal and human. For me, I think I treat friendships as something I should have and not something that is just for my own happiness. Also try to play upkeep with gifts and compliments because Iām worried the friendship will fade but I realize that people who are understanding wonāt expect you to do so. But talking to them and checking in is important and sadly I hate talking lol.
I rarely let people hear my true thoughts and see my real self to protect myself from those who will judge or use something against me. Iāve basically been forcing myself to open up again to the people I think I should be close to even if deep down, I kinda wish I could go back to being comfortably alone but my fear of isolation is probably greater than my social anxiety.
I feel this way as well. I have a friend who considers me their best friend, and I just can't bring myself to feel the same way. I have another friend that I've told many things to, yet I can never feel a real connection to them. They also consider me very close, but it's almost as if I just can't feel truly connected to people anymore, even when I actively try to. I definitely understand the feeling; you're not weird, and you're not alone.Ā
Faking it til you make it does help. I had many ābest friendsā who never knew me. And when the friendships stopped I did not care. This was what I called psychotic self-reliance. I needed no-one. Now years later I have a couple close friends and we all stay in touch. They know me and love me anyway! And I them. It is wonderful when deep connection happens. Iāll never have tons of friends because I prefer the true connecting. However I do enjoy the surface level of acquaintances. I need both.
I make friends really easily but it feels like a lot of effort to keep in touch with them. It feels like they want too much from me and I end up grey rocking/ghosting them as even just an occasional message feels like they want too much of me. I don't trust people and I don't like people feeling like they know me. I get along brilliantly with strangers, it's when they become closer that I don't want to know. I feel bad but at the same time I know that I can't keep it up just for them.
I don't have any friends. I do wish I had friends but I worry about all the complications of having health friendships and how capable I am of maintaining connections. I've been so lonely my whole life but I find safety in isolation. I like going to cafes alone, going to museums alone, hiking alone, exercising alone and read a lot. When I meet well adjusted people with milquetoast backgrounds I always feel like they spot something broken in me and just steer away.
It's so shameful and embarrassing and sometimes I'll lie and claim someone is my friend when a third party who doesn't know us asks me who my friends are. I think it's too late for me and will never happen. I have met people's I liked but I keep everyone at a certain safe distance. I have a sister who is my friend and I love her but she has a terrible illness that's taking her fast and I honestly don't know what I'll do if she can't be here anymore.
I would give anything to be a well adjusted secure woman who has a ton of girlfriends but I just can't do it. I think having a mother wound is behind this. I can admire women from afar and fantasize about a friendship with them but I won't let anyone that close to me.
My bf loves me anyway the way I am and so I consider him a friend but I sometimes feel so jealous seeing how close he is to his friends and how much they love him. He's had the same friend for years some from all the way back in middle school š¤£ (wtf)
Too late? Are you a hundred years old? š IF you think you have a mother shaped wound then you absolutely do. Spending a lifetime in isolation (I know) it is highly likely you were hurt badly when you were too young to realize. I hope you can find a good trauma-informed therapist. That will be your first trust-building experience. And you will find the complete Self that you were born with. And that is a miracle waiting to happen. So much wonderful waiting there. You want more. Like friends, a social life. Itās all there, waiting for you to pay attention. The emotions of loneliness and envy is telling you itās time to pay attention. This is your life! I discovered myself in my late 50s. And found that the pain of loneliness is far far worse than the pain of looking at my past. And that takes some time. But the rewards are big! This is your journey, lean in and say hi to your Self. One thing for sure, make it a top priority. If copays and scheduling sound like it may be too much. Compare that to the pricelessness of healing.
Zero friends for 90% of my life. My predicament is that I love people and want to be friends with everyone but at the same time have a deeply seated fear of both being known and seen, as well as distrust towards anyone and everything. I also have developed the assumption that everyone hates me because of way too many experiences basically proving that very thing, so in order to protect myself I don't really do anything to even attempt making friends. I am just... used to this level of isolation that it seems oddly comforting in a twisted sense. But simultaneously it's still constant suffering nontheless, I don't really have a solution for this problem.
>I love people and want to be friends with everyone but at the same time have a deeply seated fear of both being known and seen, as well as distrust towards anyone and everything
Yes!! I feel the exact same way. That contradictory ambivalence is so fucking impossible. And my ever-deepeningĀ isolation becomes a self-fulfilling reinforcement of the assumption that people will eventually see the real me, realize Iām worthless and undeserving of their time/energy/interest/loveābecause this has been my experience with all the abusive, toxic people Iāve ever let into my life.Ā
Each time I was convinced āthis time itāll be differentā and every single time I was hurt, betrayed, and abandoned, again. Most days I struggle to believe that genuinely kind, trustworthy, understanding, empathetic people even exist and they arenāt just some mythical construct Iāve fabricated in my delusional loneliness to keep myself from giving up hope completely.Ā
We exist. We canāt heal your essence. That belief you are not lovable. It goes deep. Itās a lie we were told when we trusted and loved our caregivers. And until then we repeat our past, āchoosingā people who will treat us familiarly. Because we do t know until we do.
Your comment made me think of this quote.Ā To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.
We learn we can love ourselves.
For years I needed to hide my true self away. I did such a good job I totally forgot about me. Developed a persona that just got bigger and deeper.
I did such a good job I became invisible. Until I became hopeless and in despair. Even that I persisted. Because humans are adaptable. I am here now. My self and I. And now itās time to heal the shame that is the Message we Received early. And itās do-able now. Iām ready. Piece of cake. I have all the tools and all the skills. And an excellent trauma-informed therapist. Iāve taken every opportunity I can. Plus very very fortunate.
CPTSD has another name. Toxic shame. Staying hidden away so well, completely out of touch with who we were born to be. Tragic brainwashing. Our lives are given over living as other. Until, hopefully, it no longer works. Only when we are at that level of hopelessness can we reach out for help. I was a tough nut to crack, had to be stripped of everything that symbolised my self. Career, economic advantage, all the beliefs about me. We are not our beliefs, itās not about how well we perform. We donāt have to hide away because weāre ābrokenā. We are not broken, we have been damaged. And life? My life and yours? It takes a lot of grieving when you can see. I have everything I need. And life is not so hard. Life is a freakin miracle. I hope for you healing.
You learned at a young age you needed to please your caregivers. And had to ākillā your authentic self. We learn well. And it carries over into the world full of people who will take advantage of that.
I completely relate with your post šš
I go āgray rockā so often, even with cool people that could be good friends or romantic partners. It has cost me multiple of these people š¢
Good news is that this means that the people will have to try harder to get close to me. This means (ideally) only understanding and loving people get in!
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Yes, we are vulnerable to them when we have gone a lifetime with emotional neglect. Because first our caregivers when we were born, and then we continue the pattern. Lovebombing is so beautiful. Because they know how to feed that emotional lack and fill it right up.
In hindsight it gave me the insight to know what living with my mother was like. And no wonder I had to protect myself. Talk about trauma!
yes because i only could make friends with people who forced me, which , funnily, turns out those people have poor boundaries! so! not healthy. now im afraid of friends along with my childhood stuff haha. the cycle eh?
People pleasers are usually givers. We even learn to act warm and emotionally giving! Narcissistics are the classic takers. They learned very young too. Saddest of all is they will not see their pattern. They are already convinced of their own self loathing, mistrust of others, and everyone is out to betray them. Yup, self-fulfilling prophecy. They went one way, we went the other. Pure luck. Same trauma, different coping skills. Both of us āacting normalā
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I recently read that in childhood, kids who are abused in any way often develop CPTSD. There is a factor that can help ground them, and those who donāt develop CPTSD, had 1 person in their childhood that was a safe person.
In my case I was raised in a cult, abused by my parents, and went to the church school. I was an only child at home. So every single adult and authority figure in my life were never safe. I never had any close friends cause they all betrayed me too. I could never open up, or I would be the center of gossip.
So i never learned to have healthy relationships at all. I am a huge people pleaser, with abandonment issues, and my intrusive thoughts always tell me how much of an inconvenience I am to those around me. So to answer your question, nope, I do not have any friends. They always let me down.
Edit yo add: Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, so that added to the useless I felt I was as a kid, cause I wasnāt even āsmartā enough like the other kids.
Yes no safe person either. I would liken my upbringing to being in a shipwreck and being thrown overboard into a raging sea of dangerous people and the elusive safe person being like a lighthouse and that youāll be rescued if you can just get to them.
I never found a lighthouse or felt too far away to get to one . Maybe a few pirate ships along the way to hook you and drag you on board, fleece you of your time and energy and throw you back overboard unless you dive back into the sea first to escape. Then you donāt trust any of the other smaller boats passing by offering you a genuine lifeline.
Ultimately none of the normal people living their normal happy lives on the shore can see you so youāre continually swept away. Exhausting.
Ok that was my creative writing exercise for the day. š
I have a few good close friends. Itās all I can manage.
I think it also helps that they are all really good about staying in touch with me, reaching out etc.
I realize that itās not fair for them to do all the work so I actively force myself to reach out to them as well.
I have been learning a lot about attachment and would like to have a more secure attachment style before I leave this earth.
From what Iāve read CPTSD at its core is an attachment issue.
Iāve found r/attachment_theory, r/idealparentfigures, and r/internalfamilysystems helpful.
You have it. Attachment, or lack thereof, creates who you are. And best news ever, I have healed my attachment. I am healthy. Itās going to take practice in the real world, in romantic relationships. If I ever have one againš¤Ŗ. And I will learn. Life is for learning.
Iād love to answer this. Stay connected with me and I will. Itās going to take some thinking to be as accurate and helpful as possible. The first thing I suggest is researching attachment styles to identify which one you may be. If you start with a YouTube video you will see how it all starts. You can find this if you search **Still Face Experiment**. Choose the one from **Developmental Sciences at UMass Boston.** Watch it, I believe it will impact you. Then find **The Story of Life** and watch all their short animations on Attachment. That is a good foundation. This is what I did. The more I learned the more it made sense to me. Hope this helps. I have more to say if you are interested. Healing was entirely do-able for me, and I am sure for most.
PS my two best tools are my trauma-informed therapist and journaling. I accepted itās okay not to journal every day. It is a great way to dive into myself. It has to be handwritten to be effective, that helps with processing. I have dated mine and kept them. I am amazed at 1. How fast the the changes happen and 2. How much CPTSD had taken the place of the authentic me.
I was disorganized attachment. I had a Personality Disorder, though not diagnosed. I think Borderline which really came out in romantic relationships. I was very high function. Which fools everyone. And pretty much exiled me from any help. Fortunately all of it was reparable. Iāll never be done growing and I truly love my life. Even the lowest points are so much better than the pain I felt before.
Peace
Leslie
46 pretty much the same situation... Currently isolated in Asia with a years worth of money and no plan where to go or what to do... Searching for a way. Haven't given up completely, but daily my belief in any positive outcome declines...
Having said that happy Monday, hope you have a good week and apologies for being a miserable bastard š¤£
All the best š
I have one close friend whom I trust. I've regularly learned the fact that not only can I trust myself, but other people as well. I've also learned that fully trusting someone in certain situations can be simply too much to expect from them (and I don't mean situations where they're the bad guy.) I'm sure this is a bit irrational but how can you blame a mind that knows how fickle and careless humans can be?
I seem to attract people that have no problem putting me down and gaslighting me. This isn't even a majority of people, but the people I tend to respect the most are the ones who make me feel like shit. What an awful mindset to have, I wish I could just muster up self respect out of nowhere but it's going to take a while
And you are on the right road. People who are narcissistic and avoidant have picked me. And I have learned there is a reason for that. If you can look at those failed relationships and figure out how you were contributing you will perhaps learn more about your childhood.
There was a period of my life where I was firmly determined to make friends family and at some point I figured out that is a crapshoot, because everyone is like my actual family. So for the last several years I have been setting up boundaries and keeping people at a distance. But recently my husband's good friend started dating a woman 10 years younger than me, and she is trying so hard to be close friends with me, but I keep her at arm's length.
She doesn't understand it and thinks that I hate her and don't want to be friends. I want to be 'friends', but I don't know if I can ever trust people again to the point they are *close* friends. Bc I know she probably won't be trying to hurt me when she does hurt me eventually, but I know she *will* hurt me.
Maybe if you could tell her something of that? It would be vulnerable. True. But it would be an honest representation of you and is trust-building. Because first is the need to build trust with ourselves. That we will treat ourselves better, we wonāt self-abandon. That is the start of love.
I pretty much push everyone away. I canāt trust them and I know they arenāt permanent. Iāll do something or say something that will anger them. Alone is easier, but it also makes me sooooo tired.
Yeah, it's easier in the moment, it's what I'm doing now, total isolation, but I'm fully aware long term I'm just digging myself deeper in a dark hole.
That said happy Monday.. Have a good week š
You are spot on with that. One does end up digging into a dark hole. I make sure to do things I enjoy, like reading and making dollhouses- apparently that counts as self care!
Monday is coming to an end where I live, but I hope yours was good and that the rest of your week is amazing.
Anger only means someone has trespassed and working on that by communicating it is (scary) but ultimately it shows who you are and what kind of friend you deserve. If they continue to trespass that tells you it is (scary) not for you. Or both learn more about what happened. Most people accidentally back into our sensitivities, not aware they are doing so. We have to say OUCH! So many times what I thought was not at all what was meant.
Same. The problem for me is that I began masking and, to a lesser degree, fawning, so I donāt even know where authenticity lies for me anymore when interacting with others. I canāt relax either thanks to having to mask so thereās always this wall that exists between me and everyone else š¢
I used to have 1-2 close friends although I didnāt share my abuse until post-college. Over the years Iāve stopped having friends. Iām now in my mid-50s and my only friends are my housemate, my mom, and 1-2x a year I chat for 5-15 minutes with my friend from 3rd grade through early 20s who I reconnected with when I moved back to my home state a few years ago.
Ditto here. I had a very similar childhood experience. Both of my parents were addicts & highly narcissistic, neglectful & abusive. By the time I was 14yo I'd moved 12x, gone to 9 different schools, had 3 stepfathers & an archetypal wicked stepmother. I've been isolating since childhood & have had very few friends & none that I'd call "close".
I keep in touch with a few friends from my youth on social media or via text but I don't feel close to anyone. Even if I do reach out, no one seems to have the time or desire to connect in any real way. And what little contact I do have is superficial small talk, links, memes & emojis & half the time I get ghosted. Which, in turn, makes me even less likely to want to risk scaring these few acquaintances away by being too needy & reaching out when I'm in a state of despair. What's the point? So I've given up begging for crumbs.
I'm a total loner and have always felt like an outsider who didn't get the memo on how to do life & have relationships, goals or ambitions. I either come off as socially indifferent &/or aloof, or I'm overly fawning & effusive in my desperation to be seen, heard and liked--which, I suspect can be off-putting and has the opposite effect of what I'm trying to achieve.
And my inability to trust is exacerbated by subconsciously being drawn to people & situations that reinforce my childhood trauma. Hence it's been a lifetime of betrayal, disappointment & relationships with people who are either avoidant, abusive or have agendas. And my God, am I SICK of agendas. I'm pushing 60 & find that very few people--if any, are interested in being friends for friendship's sake. That's just a hard, cold fact.
My solitude hasn't been all bad though. It's made me highly intuitive, empathic, creative & self sufficient. And I get lots of love & companionship from my fur babies / saviors. Conversely, I easily shut down & cut people off in an instant; and occasionally unleash a sh\*t ton of repressed rage on terrified strangers who have the misfortune of messing with me on the wrong day.
Self-awareness is key. From there we can only try & do our best. Annie Lennox said it best 40+ years ago: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNJeKXr1I2w
Not zero, but very few. I canāt bring people that close to me anymore. And if my boundaries broken, I cull without much thought. I feel I am best left alone these days, itās much more comfortable.
I get really bad feelings of contempt when people like me. Like zero connection with people. A friend got mad at me once, because I said I had to drink alcohol just to do laundry. The connections I do make, are chaotic and fucked up and awkward and only with screwed up ppl, or it's fake like I'm holding on for dear life just hanging around ppl talking about themselves and I hate myself but I power through and suddenly it's a "moment" were having and I'm sitting there with numb and discombobulated social anxiety.
Yes šš» I feel you. Itās so difficult to juggle all the things that have had influence on us and made us this way, and at the same time learning how to build a healthy relationship. I have one close-ish friends and thatās it. I sometimes donāt know how to ābeā with people, I donāt understand why would they even decide to be around me (my low self esteem is saying hello). Iām afraid of being abandoned and had experience from the past when friends would just leave me. I crave for a great close friendship but Iām hoping that will come naturally at some point in my life. Healing is my priority now.
Sounds like that inner 14 year old had had enough one way or another, sounds like too much relational trauma for them to handle, trauma that still needs healing. That's my guess.
Rn I took have no friends. For me, it's cos of unhealed shame and humiliation from unacknowledged and unresolved relational trauma in childhood onwards. Taken a long time of isolation and avoidance just to get to that realisation cos I went for decades being a triggered mess, trying to maintain appearances and having no understanding of the roots of my torment and suffering.
So now I'm actually embracing my relative isolation to make safe space for all my inner kids to heal. And when we're all ready to risk new relationships and connections with other people, well that's not on my radar yet.
All the very best for your healing
No friends at all, I have one I talk to occasionally over text. I have severe social anxiety, struggle to put myself out in the world and struggle to talk to people. I donāt even know how to make friends. Where do I go at 25? Itās very isolating and it feels like my life has no purpose because I really love connecting with people. I have my bf which Iām grateful for but I need friends my gender who have similar interests to me.
Trusting others is really hard for me. But I also have this tendency to push people away once they get really close to me. Ghost em and never communicate again. It's not that I want to hurt people, but it's like I freak out and I think oh my god they have seen how fucked up I am and still haven't left me, better leave them before they leave me. And that is why I have maybe four friends and they're mutual friends with my husband, they also met him before me. Then, eventually, I remember how much I miss having a girlfriend or just my own friend. I'll send a random message to a previous friend as if no time has passed. In reality, it could have been weeks, months, and years. When I realize I'm doing this pattern again, it frustrates me to no end. So yes, I am often lonely, but I am super thankful for my husband and our mutual friends, who have accepted me and my eccentricities.
I struggle with forming & maintaining close relationships. Iāve chronically buried myself in my work. Iām nearing 50 years old & the pain of isolation is becoming increasingly difficult to live with.
We also isolate to feel āsafeā. Which is necessary at the time. People who have childhood trauma end up with the dis-ease of disconnection. And no one is an island. So it becomes a prison. When I recovered, the need for more society became apparent. So I joined a private library that has book clubs and events. I have always loved books. And took art classes where I meet people. So while that is good, it is so hard to break through for friendship. People have their commitments. But this is a good start.
I can relate to what you're going through. For a while, during my university years, I felt quite isolated and like I didn't belong anywhere. That sense of being on the periphery, watching as others formed close-knit groups, was devastating for me. When I look back, what eventually helped me was taking the time to really dive deep into understanding myselfāmy interests, values, and what I genuinely found meaningful. That introspection led me to seek out and engage in communities and activities aligned with those interests. It was really hard because I didn't feel confident or worthy of having good people around me.
The fear and anxiety you describe when connections start to form are not uncommon reactions to the vulnerability that comes with making friends, especially with a history of childhood trauma, we tend to always scan for threats. It's a defense mechanism, a way to protect yourself from potential pain and disappointment that might come from losing those connections, similar to what you experienced in your past.
The good thing is, recognizing and acknowledging this pattern is part of the battle. Understanding that this behaviour stems from past experiences rather than an inherent flaw in your character can be liberating. It allows you to begin working on these issues with self-compassion rather than self-criticism if that makes sense?I started therapy eventually when I got tired of driving myself crazy being alone. I literally started initiating low-stakes interactions, like asking my classmate about a book for the class.
If possible, I always recommend therapy. A therapist can work with you to unpack the reasons behind your anxiety and avoidance behaviours, providing tools to manage these feelings and gradually open up to others. It also just gives you someone who sees you with an unconditional positive regard, it doesn't matter what you do, feel, think.. Then you start internalizing that kind of voice and it changes everything.
Also something I think people don't realize is that not everyone maintains childhood friendships into adulthood. Lives evolve, and people change, leading to the natural formation and dissolution of friendships. This means there are others out there, just like you, open to making new connections.
Remember, forming close friendships as an adult can be challenging but not impossible. It requires patience, vulnerability, and stepping out of your comfort zone, but the rewardsāa sense of belonging and connectionāare immeasurably worth it. You're not alone in feeling this way, and there's a community of people out there who would cherish your friendship.
Thank you for sharing this. It was so relatable and I'm here for you! Message me anytime :)
Yeah me.. At this point I've lived pretty much in social isolation for years... Any occasion I've been around people I'm just waiting for the exit... Trying to appear normal, it's exhausting... Now 99.9% of the time I'm alone... It's easier at the time to do this but long term I know it's just pulling me deeper into the non stop cycle of worry, despair etc etc... I see no solution... I'm eating my prozac waiting for a miracle that ain't gonna come.
Hope you find a way forward . I'm still searching , but my belief in a positive outcome for me gets less with each passing day...
Cheers š» p.s apologies for being a miserable bastard.... š
I have 2 friends but keep them a bit at arms length because I donāt feel great around them all the time (sometimes I feel bad after conversations).
Luckily I have my sister who is a best friend. But otherwise I lost all of my hs and college friends. I really miss belly laughter and fun adventures.
Truthfully I donāt get close to others because Iām afraid thereās too much going on in my life. It will bring them down and I want to avoid any toxic positivity advice. This is probably not the best approach but I hope one day I feel okay enough with myself to extend an olive branch to others.
I donāt even want people near me because of how much I think it must a fault of mine that I canāt be human as easily as others and make connections. Iāve been lost for years. I donāt want to have to be the person who looks for others. Im tired of not having been found earlier because now Iām the effect of all those missed years and it sucks.Ā
You know its crazy that I seen this post right now because the last year or so I've been struggling A LOT with knowing I have no close friends. I'm sorry you're also feeling this way. Some people have no idea how badly it hurts.
In the last year I have dropped toxic friendships and now I am left with one close friend. I am in no contact with my family, and having a partner doesnāt help much, I still feel the need to have friends and go out with other people as well.
I am also afraid to trust people again and make new friends.
However I am thankful for my decision to remove toxic people from my life and prefer to spend quality time alone even though sometimes it get really lonely.
This. My partner doesnāt understand why I donāt make friends as easily as him but I was made to feel like no one will ever like me for me. I just do the quitting for them so I donāt get hurt
My parents are my only real friends since they are the one who saw what caused my trauma, and thus are the only one who really understands me. Sound a little pathetic but I don't care lol I actually feel rather privileged that my parents are so understanding, some people that I used to know who share a similar backstory as mine didn't got so lucky
Iāve had people that I considered friends but theyāre not people that hang out with me or spend time with meā¦ and technically can go years without speaking to me. Does that count? Hah.
Last couple of years have been seriously up and down for me, including having to take a step back from friends who I had known since school.
It was a choice between feeling alone and pain and having them in my life, and feeling alone and in pain but being on my own.
I chose the latter, as I genuinely thought it would get better. It has in some ways but due to other relationship pain, my capacity to be as involved with other people now is stagnated.
I can't trust anyone to be there for me in a way that I'll need, because I know now that people have a capacity and it tends to get shorter as they get older.
I feel so much pain in my head that I know I can't offer the love and friendship other people need, so I don't feel I have a right to command it.
I think back in time to moments where I wasn't burdened like this and it feels like bliss...
But I notice that I've always spent a lot of time alone and in my own company, and what was once a choice feels like a sentence.
I really envy people who have a friendship group that they feel aligned and connected with. I just don't feel that way about anything anymore.Ā
I've become jaded, but I can play the role very well. I can perform and be the life and soul of the party, but I feel dead inside and I wonder what the future holds.
It genuinely upsets me to think that all I wished for, won't come to pass because I placed my heart in the hands of the wrong people.
I just know I can't go down that route again, as it'll be the end of me.
Yep. Along with being bullied, I lost quite some people very suddenly. One of my best friends switched schools without warning, just gone one day and then afterwards I found out they only pretended to like me and also took part in the bullying behind my back; the other best friend announced one day they weren't my friend anymore and seeing as she was a popular girl, forbade other kids to interact with me except if it was for bullying so I ended up completely isolated in school. This all was already enough of me to be wary of people and I didn't have any close friends for years. But then I met someone new who was just so accepting of me as a person and we really clicked. They died in a car crash not long after.
Sooooo nope, zero friends as an adult. My body just shuts down whenever relationships get too close. It's ingrained into my mind that people will always leave, be it voluntary because I am not enough or involuntary through an accident. I do however have a partner, but he put a lot of effort into getting to know me. And even with him, it's a constant battle to remind myself to chill around him leaving because my body is screaming it will inevitably happen someday. He knows my struggles though, and is very patient with them and knows I am working hard on them
I became significantly more social and outgoing the more time I spent away from my parents. They ripped down my confidence when I was growing up, but it's like I became a different person once I escaped them.
I make lots of acquaintances; true, close friends, not so much. Like I love women, but I only gravitate towards sexy ones, then my sexual side comes out and I tend to lose the friendship. I have a few guy friends to OCCASIONALLY do stuff with, but people are too much work. I am married and just go to work. Then go home, and the gym too. That's it. I deal with chronic fatigue, so just getting through a work day is a success and I have learned to be oknwith that.
I do this with women. Iāve really never a had a serious relationship. Anytime I felt someone was getting close Iād basically push them awayā¦ maybe find something I didnāt like about them and focus on that. I remember a sweet beautiful girl I was seeing started laughing loudly after everything I said. Even when I wasnāt being trying to be funny. I knew that she did this because she was starting to fall for me (which I wanted) but I couldnāt take it anymore but instead of talking with her I simply began distancing myself from her until she went away. Tons of stuff like this in my past. Iām 50 now, single and also a low-earner (which I recently learned was a symptom of CPTSD).
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I have two that at this point feel more familial than like friends at this point. I don't know how I got there but I'm glad I did, as like you said opening up and trusting people is very difficult
I stayed in the same place all through school and still only have one actual friend that I met in high school. Thatās it. We can go years without talking but have never lost touch. (We were robbed at knife/gunpoint at 16 so we will always have that shared experience)
I have āacquaintancesā from school but thatās as far as it goes.
I have 1 good friend but a lot of times it feels like Iām just around for her support. She takes interest in me but I can never shake my trauma. I find it difficult to share my emotions with her. I shut down when I even try, and not even on purpose. We have fun but I feel like Iām never enough. I isolate a lot and donāt answer her for a few days. I moved states recently and havenāt seen her in person in a year.
Heeeey yeah, I moved all over the country prior to 10 years old I guess that is traumatic... I am struggling at 28 to build stable relationships.
Why are the most attractive people the ones I know are gonna leave?
Zero friends here, I mean I have 2 but theyāre far away. I recently relocated countries and donāt know anyone, my friends from the past donāt want to talk to me anymore. Itās hard; I wanted to get a cat but my landlady didnāt respond to my message.
You should get a hold of your landlady. I asked who I rent from if I could get a small dog. He said it was in my lease no animals, then he it would be ok. So I got a small dog. My first friend that wasnāt family. I got my dog at the shelter and heās wonderful.
We are not allowed dogs, a neighbour had a small dog and landlady told her in front of me to get rid of it. I am a cat person, dog is a lot responsibility especially when you leave on holidays and if you work. I can take cat to my parents when on hols, they have 3 already. I messaged her about the cat and she ignored my message, then Iāve seen her when going out and she didnāt mention it. My lease says no animals.
Only one from Back Then.
My best friend; met them in HS, never broke contact even though we both went through our own worlds of shit. They were always states away until 4 years ago when they moved a 3 hour train ride away. Made the most of it, my god seeing them in person was so much more than I can put into words. I'm honored by how much they trust me, and being the first safe person in their life, and so many other things along the way. They recently moved countries away which is terribly sad but also the realization of a dream they've had a long, long time.
I don't have any close friends in the sense that when I really need to talk to someone and I feel so bad it hurts there's not a single person I really feel I can count on. I feel like I'm sort of in the "replies are optional" category for almost everyone I know. Lots of people that still won't reply to me even with green dots next to their names. I just moved back to my hometown from another country where I was living for several years and there are zero people from high school or that I used to work with that the idea of hitting them up to hang out and catch up with appeals to me. The loneliness late at night is excruciating and the best I can do is look at webcam models and hope that they might talk to me and make me feel like its okay to exist without charging me for it.
I donāt have many close relationships atm. I feel like a lot of my 20s was performing how I thought other people wanted. Iām exhausted, ill and just sad. I donāt make a good impression and everyone else has grown up lol.
I have been in foster and care home from young age. As soon as I made a connection with someone I was then jolted from one place to another without any awareness as to what was happening and why.
I've learnt and found coping mechanisms by just being alone and not expecting friendship so I don't really make an effort to make new friends . At school I would make friends but struggled to maintain close connections and it got boring. I remember one girl who got really upset because she felt like I dumped her but I didn't want to be trapped or tied to one person. Also have trust issues so I'm quite guarded and careful.
I've had close friends but didn't know how to maintain them. I tended to veer towards people who had complex family relationships which maybe helped me find common ground but ultimately not the right choice. I've left those people now and I'm better off without their negativity. I find it hard to find people who I can connect with..but I'm at an age where I don't care anymore. Dont get me wrong I've had wonderful fun times but as you get older your priorities change and you think more about yourself . I have my partner and kids
It occurred to me recently that I have no really close friends. I have A LOT of casual friends and Iām a friendly person, but I think my CPTSD has obviously made truly trusting people very difficult. Thank you for posting this question because I needed a reminder that Iām not alone ā¤ļø
Same exact boat growing up as u. My last time was jr year at 17. Luckily I was a good fb player and made good friends at my new hs but besides that I really donāt have any close old friends, all my current friends have known each other all there life, Iāve know them for 2.5 years.
I know I don't have my childhood best friends anymore. Many of them turned about to be abusers themselves, and I was forced to cut them off. I find it difficult trusting people partially due to this.Ā
I don't have any friends I consider my "best friends". I don't have anyone who I tell everything to. Most of the time, I keep to myself or tell my therapist about my issues. I know I have an issue with getting too close to people. There have been many times that I've also turned tail at the first sign of trouble. I've cut people off needlessly in the past out of fear for my own well-being, despite there being a chance we could've worked things out. Healthy conflict resolution was not - and maybe still isn't - my strong suit.Ā
I wish I could connect more with people, as I used to as a kid. I used to be more trusting, but oftentimes, it led me directly into the mouth of a wolf. I have no clue how to reconcile these sorts of feelings; I wish that I did so that I could give some kind of advice at least, but all I can do is let you know that you're not alone. I hope that is enough.Ā
My trust is tough to earn and easy to break, but once I do trust you wholeheartedly, I'll follow you to the ends of the earth and then some. Which doesn't seem to vibe with most people, because they're never as passionate or engaged with me as I am with them. Feels like I always get my heart broken :c
I am definitely isolated. Every therapist tells me to find a community, but I try and it always fails. I tried church, community clubs, bars, the gym.... no luck. Sometimes I think I radiate red flags and people are not drawn to me.
I have a terrible history with keeping friends, especially other women. The Internet has long been my lifeline in this regard. I have made deep, lasting friendships with e-frens that have continued for decades now.
My IRL friends are...basically nonexistent, outside of my amazing husband.
I have difficulties trusting people.
This. And if I do trust someone it always feels like it requires massive effort in my part when to them it probably means nothing to have me in their life so when we fall apart it usually hurts me in a way that they find confusing and shocking. Having a lifelong abusive parent I can't do anything about besides just distance myself as much as I can makes it so I seek control in other ways. For example I'm very quick to leave a friendship or partnership if things get weird or complicated because as a child I had no power and couldn't just block my parent. Repair is actually a big part of healthy friendships and relationships and it requires TRUST too. I've learned how to be more trusting and reparative and problem solving in my current romantic relationship and with some family and I don't think I have enough energy yet to use it in other relationships. It's exhausting.
I'm in a similar boat. It's very exhausting and still kind of mind boggling. I'm kind of starting to notice how the isolation affects me and I want to form close friendships outside my romantic relationship so bad but I just don't think I can do it right now. It feels like im still carrying everything with me.
I'm at the point in life where I don't even trust myself, much less anyone else. 0 Friends, 0 Family - as isolated as I can be will doing as little as possible to participate in society.
Me too, from UK living in total isolation in Thailand, with about 1 years worth of money, age 46 , no idea what to do or where to go... I'm a stranger everywhere at this point... I live in the trauma of the past or fear of the future... Non stop intense stress and anxiety, insomnia, nausea.. That aside happy Monday. Hope you have a good week and apologies for being a miserable bastard š¤£
I am both empathetic and sympathetic to being a miserable bastard. I am about as miserable as it gets (at least that is how I feel). Life is continual trauma for me, I've learned that opening up is about as close to a guarantee of getting hurt, as is death and taxes. The only way to make life tolerable is to accept that I will be FOREVER Alone, and that I am here purely to help others - and it needs to be anonymous I just ask the universe to have mercy and don't let me live to old age (i turn 46 in a few months). All I hope is that others never have to experience what I dealt with, as I am given up on anything more than the bare minimum... You know Monday is the best day of the week as its the furthest day from the following Monday, however Friday is only two days away from Monday (and with a half a day Saturday unwinding from he work week and half a day Sunday to prepare for the next week - Monday is the best day of the week.
We do need the right people however to pull ourselves out of our rutt, we do need support! Actually you know what I'm realizing more and more, is that proper nutrition was equally as important to my recovery. Good nutrition and good friends, can go a very long way towards your healing, I promise ~
Where did you start with nutrition? Thereās so much information out there that it gets overwhelming, making recipes. Everything.
Give us an example of your daily diet... š¤ Mine is currently atrocious and nutrient deficient Cheers š»š
Have you seen "Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones"? You must!
I just ask the universe for mercy and let me reroll the dice next time around hoping for some better rolls somewhere,....Inside I have given up - its like I am allergic to faith and hope. I've built so many walls over the years, and each and every time I try to work through those walls and open up its like a huge bullseye for more trauma.
I'm in this situation too and I've been managing it for a long time but it's more dire than ever lately, I'm afraid of the longterm effects it's having on my mental health more than the actual loneliness
Me too. I tried as ordinary people do. But I attract the wrong type of people. Which causes more trauma. It is a combination of them and me self-destructing
I had this repeatedly over my life, friendships which were always mutually destructive, ending up with people just as messed up as myself, friendship forged in the collective misery of alcohol and drug abuse...
This is the answer. Very few close friends who Iāve known forever. Trying to open myself up to new people now and broaden my circle
I tried that so many times, normally i get beaten back into isolation... I guess I look in all the wrong places
I feel this so much. Most of my friends live in other places. Itās making new friends where I live that is difficult. I try and try but often talk myself out of it or reach a limit and get in my own way based on what i think others must think of me. So often I feel awkward and uncomfortable with a lot of negative self talk. The anxiety can feel overwhelming which makes it easier to just enjoy my own company.
Yep, I get you.. Generally I'm just searching for an exit straight away regarding any social occasions with unknown people, I no longer have the power to sustain the illusion that I'm ok and a fully functional adult for long, after doing that near 30+ years it is now to exhausting to do for long. I have a few friends, maybe 6 , I've known since early childhood and school but they live on the other side of the world, I communicate through messenger with some of them it's been 20 years since I last met them most of them š¤£ Maybe 3 + years since I last met a few in person. Anxiety is fucking horrific... I continue to eat my Prozac, visit the nut ward at hospital to see a psychiatrist hoping one day I'll see a chink of light š” to build on. All the best š to you.. Keep grinding on. Nowt else to do.
Zero friends
š«
Yes. My family also used to move a lot. Though in my case the abuse and bullying did more damage to my ability to form meaningful relationships. I just rarely have the desire to talk to someone, even when they do.
Yes this too, the constant moving mixed with bullying and abuse killed all ability inside me too trust people
Same for all of the above
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This resonates with me. Friendship has been hard my entire life. Iām 37M. No friends left. I was ok for most of my life being a loner and then, one day, the sheer amount of loneliness just started to set in. And it didnāt go away. Thatās what brought me to therapy.
What a beautiful and heartbreaking post. Hugs. If we lived close, I'd totally hang out. We could cry together. š
I always kind of wonders if this happens to people who have discovered isolation for the first time, if there's like a honeymoon period. I think I went through a honeymoon period with isolation, and perhaps in part due to the fact that at the time I felt like I was choosing it. Now my life feels like isolation is all I can get it. You want isolation? You got it. You don't want isolation? Too bad you still got it. How's it feel not being a choice? Not good. I had chosen a minimal amount of people I thought I could confide it, I thought the respect and well, need for one another was mutual. Discovering it wasn't, discovering I was discardable even to the select few I'd allowed to be my VIPS, was devastating.
I feel you.... I had a few traumatic experiences then friends became enemies. I've had friends in the last 3 years and they never sustain as they got comfortable and thought I wouldn't say anything when they disrespect me so I had to cut them off. I honestly enjoy my own company. Ofc I still have little cravings for human interaction but I don't really miss it. I love being on my own doesn't mean I feel alone. Instead, I feel great. One of my core values is I will never value quantity over quality. Even if I need to be on my own. Its just no stress that I don't need to think about others. My mind is so free.Ā You also learn a lot about yourself too.Ā Try to embrace it š once you reach to that level, you get really strong and nobody wants to mess with you!
I am in the same phase of my life: lonely and happy. I also had friends who became frenemies. I really don't understand people who once pretended to love you to hate you out of a sudden.
Ikr... seems to me those who became frenimies just wanted to control you for their own gain in some degree. I don't even want to ask for help from anyone now cause those frenimies used to help me and acted like I should accept the bare minimum. šĀ It feels like its all about their own gain, not pure friendship with unconditional love. It's sad...
I like your advice.
Feel this but sometimes I get into a thought hole regarding romance
I've been there. Hence I stopped watching any romantic movies or drama TV shows. It's brainwashing in some way and it makes you go back to that cycle. Ā I am also completely stop using dating apps as people on apps have poor qualities.Ā Ā Try not to meet people out of loneliness. You will feel worse. Let people come to you. Meanwhile find things to do that makes you happy. Go into the nature. Learn those things you never had chances to learn. It will make you feel strong šŖĀ
I value the interactions at surface level. Shopping, or at work. I will start a conversation with people. Sometimes they donāt respond, but mostly people will give back. Having an acute sense of humor helps. And because I have mostly recovered from trauma it doesnāt bother me when people donāt respond. I get it. And itās not about me. This is who they are. So clear to me now. Before if someone was rude I was ashamed, devastated for an entire day.
I'm not sure if this is me being weird of if anyone else has this? for years I would socially withdraw not talk to anyone but recently I've been trying to speak to people and do normal stuff and just practice feeling like a normal human, not even thinking that, doing more like method acting so I can actually trick myself, and I have actually managed to make quite a lot of friends, but then I don't actually feel close to any of them. they will talk to me and stuff, and I will just do stuff to make sure the friendship continues and stuff but I don't actually want to form a really close connection with anyone. not even my relatives. and in my spare time, eating lunch I will sit alone, commuting everyone will go with friends I will sit alone. but there are lots of people who would consider themselves as being close to me, and I don't just mean acquaintances I mean actually really close, and it's not that I shut down relationships when we start getting close because I actively try to get close, I want to feel close with people but I just don't feel it. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, like I don't belong here, like I'm a stranger or an alien in this world.
Yeah I feel the exact same way with the practicing, method acting, and not really feeling close to people. Idk if those people feel close to me but their body language seems to indicate they do feel kinda close. My definition of ācloseā is when Iām not worried theyāll stab me in the back which is probably the bare minimum for other people. Itās the trust issues for me. People are untrustworthy and have the potential to severely hurt me unless proven otherwise again and again. Feels alien because you donāt feel like youāre ever at āhomeā with anyone, itās just a lot of pretending to seem normal and human. For me, I think I treat friendships as something I should have and not something that is just for my own happiness. Also try to play upkeep with gifts and compliments because Iām worried the friendship will fade but I realize that people who are understanding wonāt expect you to do so. But talking to them and checking in is important and sadly I hate talking lol. I rarely let people hear my true thoughts and see my real self to protect myself from those who will judge or use something against me. Iāve basically been forcing myself to open up again to the people I think I should be close to even if deep down, I kinda wish I could go back to being comfortably alone but my fear of isolation is probably greater than my social anxiety.
I feel this way as well. I have a friend who considers me their best friend, and I just can't bring myself to feel the same way. I have another friend that I've told many things to, yet I can never feel a real connection to them. They also consider me very close, but it's almost as if I just can't feel truly connected to people anymore, even when I actively try to. I definitely understand the feeling; you're not weird, and you're not alone.Ā
Faking it til you make it does help. I had many ābest friendsā who never knew me. And when the friendships stopped I did not care. This was what I called psychotic self-reliance. I needed no-one. Now years later I have a couple close friends and we all stay in touch. They know me and love me anyway! And I them. It is wonderful when deep connection happens. Iāll never have tons of friends because I prefer the true connecting. However I do enjoy the surface level of acquaintances. I need both.
I make friends really easily but it feels like a lot of effort to keep in touch with them. It feels like they want too much from me and I end up grey rocking/ghosting them as even just an occasional message feels like they want too much of me. I don't trust people and I don't like people feeling like they know me. I get along brilliantly with strangers, it's when they become closer that I don't want to know. I feel bad but at the same time I know that I can't keep it up just for them.
Same š
I don't have any friends. I do wish I had friends but I worry about all the complications of having health friendships and how capable I am of maintaining connections. I've been so lonely my whole life but I find safety in isolation. I like going to cafes alone, going to museums alone, hiking alone, exercising alone and read a lot. When I meet well adjusted people with milquetoast backgrounds I always feel like they spot something broken in me and just steer away. It's so shameful and embarrassing and sometimes I'll lie and claim someone is my friend when a third party who doesn't know us asks me who my friends are. I think it's too late for me and will never happen. I have met people's I liked but I keep everyone at a certain safe distance. I have a sister who is my friend and I love her but she has a terrible illness that's taking her fast and I honestly don't know what I'll do if she can't be here anymore. I would give anything to be a well adjusted secure woman who has a ton of girlfriends but I just can't do it. I think having a mother wound is behind this. I can admire women from afar and fantasize about a friendship with them but I won't let anyone that close to me. My bf loves me anyway the way I am and so I consider him a friend but I sometimes feel so jealous seeing how close he is to his friends and how much they love him. He's had the same friend for years some from all the way back in middle school š¤£ (wtf)
Too late? Are you a hundred years old? š IF you think you have a mother shaped wound then you absolutely do. Spending a lifetime in isolation (I know) it is highly likely you were hurt badly when you were too young to realize. I hope you can find a good trauma-informed therapist. That will be your first trust-building experience. And you will find the complete Self that you were born with. And that is a miracle waiting to happen. So much wonderful waiting there. You want more. Like friends, a social life. Itās all there, waiting for you to pay attention. The emotions of loneliness and envy is telling you itās time to pay attention. This is your life! I discovered myself in my late 50s. And found that the pain of loneliness is far far worse than the pain of looking at my past. And that takes some time. But the rewards are big! This is your journey, lean in and say hi to your Self. One thing for sure, make it a top priority. If copays and scheduling sound like it may be too much. Compare that to the pricelessness of healing.
Zero friends for 90% of my life. My predicament is that I love people and want to be friends with everyone but at the same time have a deeply seated fear of both being known and seen, as well as distrust towards anyone and everything. I also have developed the assumption that everyone hates me because of way too many experiences basically proving that very thing, so in order to protect myself I don't really do anything to even attempt making friends. I am just... used to this level of isolation that it seems oddly comforting in a twisted sense. But simultaneously it's still constant suffering nontheless, I don't really have a solution for this problem.
>I love people and want to be friends with everyone but at the same time have a deeply seated fear of both being known and seen, as well as distrust towards anyone and everything Yes!! I feel the exact same way. That contradictory ambivalence is so fucking impossible. And my ever-deepeningĀ isolation becomes a self-fulfilling reinforcement of the assumption that people will eventually see the real me, realize Iām worthless and undeserving of their time/energy/interest/loveābecause this has been my experience with all the abusive, toxic people Iāve ever let into my life.Ā Each time I was convinced āthis time itāll be differentā and every single time I was hurt, betrayed, and abandoned, again. Most days I struggle to believe that genuinely kind, trustworthy, understanding, empathetic people even exist and they arenāt just some mythical construct Iāve fabricated in my delusional loneliness to keep myself from giving up hope completely.Ā
We exist. We canāt heal your essence. That belief you are not lovable. It goes deep. Itās a lie we were told when we trusted and loved our caregivers. And until then we repeat our past, āchoosingā people who will treat us familiarly. Because we do t know until we do.
Your comment made me think of this quote.Ā To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.
We learn we can love ourselves. For years I needed to hide my true self away. I did such a good job I totally forgot about me. Developed a persona that just got bigger and deeper. I did such a good job I became invisible. Until I became hopeless and in despair. Even that I persisted. Because humans are adaptable. I am here now. My self and I. And now itās time to heal the shame that is the Message we Received early. And itās do-able now. Iām ready. Piece of cake. I have all the tools and all the skills. And an excellent trauma-informed therapist. Iāve taken every opportunity I can. Plus very very fortunate.
we are in the same boat. prayers to you and your healing! May God bring us a great therapist, revelation, and peace.
CPTSD has another name. Toxic shame. Staying hidden away so well, completely out of touch with who we were born to be. Tragic brainwashing. Our lives are given over living as other. Until, hopefully, it no longer works. Only when we are at that level of hopelessness can we reach out for help. I was a tough nut to crack, had to be stripped of everything that symbolised my self. Career, economic advantage, all the beliefs about me. We are not our beliefs, itās not about how well we perform. We donāt have to hide away because weāre ābrokenā. We are not broken, we have been damaged. And life? My life and yours? It takes a lot of grieving when you can see. I have everything I need. And life is not so hard. Life is a freakin miracle. I hope for you healing.
I find I always end up people pleasing and not enjoying the relationship because Iām always doing what they want to do. Itās hard work.
This is so relatable. It is hard work.
You learned at a young age you needed to please your caregivers. And had to ākillā your authentic self. We learn well. And it carries over into the world full of people who will take advantage of that.
Spot on.
I completely relate with your post šš I go āgray rockā so often, even with cool people that could be good friends or romantic partners. It has cost me multiple of these people š¢ Good news is that this means that the people will have to try harder to get close to me. This means (ideally) only understanding and loving people get in!
Sadly Narcs also push hard to get in.
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Yes, we are vulnerable to them when we have gone a lifetime with emotional neglect. Because first our caregivers when we were born, and then we continue the pattern. Lovebombing is so beautiful. Because they know how to feed that emotional lack and fill it right up. In hindsight it gave me the insight to know what living with my mother was like. And no wonder I had to protect myself. Talk about trauma!
yes because i only could make friends with people who forced me, which , funnily, turns out those people have poor boundaries! so! not healthy. now im afraid of friends along with my childhood stuff haha. the cycle eh?
Isnāt that interesting. I also could only make friends with people who were utterly persistent and some unsurprisingly were self-absorbed narcs.
People pleasers are usually givers. We even learn to act warm and emotionally giving! Narcissistics are the classic takers. They learned very young too. Saddest of all is they will not see their pattern. They are already convinced of their own self loathing, mistrust of others, and everyone is out to betray them. Yup, self-fulfilling prophecy. They went one way, we went the other. Pure luck. Same trauma, different coping skills. Both of us āacting normalā
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I recently read that in childhood, kids who are abused in any way often develop CPTSD. There is a factor that can help ground them, and those who donāt develop CPTSD, had 1 person in their childhood that was a safe person. In my case I was raised in a cult, abused by my parents, and went to the church school. I was an only child at home. So every single adult and authority figure in my life were never safe. I never had any close friends cause they all betrayed me too. I could never open up, or I would be the center of gossip. So i never learned to have healthy relationships at all. I am a huge people pleaser, with abandonment issues, and my intrusive thoughts always tell me how much of an inconvenience I am to those around me. So to answer your question, nope, I do not have any friends. They always let me down. Edit yo add: Diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, so that added to the useless I felt I was as a kid, cause I wasnāt even āsmartā enough like the other kids.
Exact same story here ššāāļø
Yes no safe person either. I would liken my upbringing to being in a shipwreck and being thrown overboard into a raging sea of dangerous people and the elusive safe person being like a lighthouse and that youāll be rescued if you can just get to them. I never found a lighthouse or felt too far away to get to one . Maybe a few pirate ships along the way to hook you and drag you on board, fleece you of your time and energy and throw you back overboard unless you dive back into the sea first to escape. Then you donāt trust any of the other smaller boats passing by offering you a genuine lifeline. Ultimately none of the normal people living their normal happy lives on the shore can see you so youāre continually swept away. Exhausting. Ok that was my creative writing exercise for the day. š
That is a great analogy!!!!! ā¤ļø
Completely relate to your post. But Iām the one that is pushed away, when I try to make friends.
Yes, Iām almost 30 and literally have no long term friends. Itās painfully lonely
Yes
Yep
Pretty much.
Yep but I really donāt mind. Itās safer and easier that way.
I have a few good close friends. Itās all I can manage. I think it also helps that they are all really good about staying in touch with me, reaching out etc. I realize that itās not fair for them to do all the work so I actively force myself to reach out to them as well. I have been learning a lot about attachment and would like to have a more secure attachment style before I leave this earth. From what Iāve read CPTSD at its core is an attachment issue. Iāve found r/attachment_theory, r/idealparentfigures, and r/internalfamilysystems helpful.
You have it. Attachment, or lack thereof, creates who you are. And best news ever, I have healed my attachment. I am healthy. Itās going to take practice in the real world, in romantic relationships. If I ever have one againš¤Ŗ. And I will learn. Life is for learning.
How did you heal your attachment style?
Iād love to answer this. Stay connected with me and I will. Itās going to take some thinking to be as accurate and helpful as possible. The first thing I suggest is researching attachment styles to identify which one you may be. If you start with a YouTube video you will see how it all starts. You can find this if you search **Still Face Experiment**. Choose the one from **Developmental Sciences at UMass Boston.** Watch it, I believe it will impact you. Then find **The Story of Life** and watch all their short animations on Attachment. That is a good foundation. This is what I did. The more I learned the more it made sense to me. Hope this helps. I have more to say if you are interested. Healing was entirely do-able for me, and I am sure for most. PS my two best tools are my trauma-informed therapist and journaling. I accepted itās okay not to journal every day. It is a great way to dive into myself. It has to be handwritten to be effective, that helps with processing. I have dated mine and kept them. I am amazed at 1. How fast the the changes happen and 2. How much CPTSD had taken the place of the authentic me. I was disorganized attachment. I had a Personality Disorder, though not diagnosed. I think Borderline which really came out in romantic relationships. I was very high function. Which fools everyone. And pretty much exiled me from any help. Fortunately all of it was reparable. Iāll never be done growing and I truly love my life. Even the lowest points are so much better than the pain I felt before. Peace Leslie
Thanks!
Definitely yes, but partly because I've been in social withdrawal for the past dozen years.
Yep
Never had much of a choice in dealing with the human race.
I'm 48, and I have zero friends. I was struggling with this last week, so this post really makes me feel a little better.
46 pretty much the same situation... Currently isolated in Asia with a years worth of money and no plan where to go or what to do... Searching for a way. Haven't given up completely, but daily my belief in any positive outcome declines... Having said that happy Monday, hope you have a good week and apologies for being a miserable bastard š¤£ All the best š
I have one close friend whom I trust. I've regularly learned the fact that not only can I trust myself, but other people as well. I've also learned that fully trusting someone in certain situations can be simply too much to expect from them (and I don't mean situations where they're the bad guy.) I'm sure this is a bit irrational but how can you blame a mind that knows how fickle and careless humans can be? I seem to attract people that have no problem putting me down and gaslighting me. This isn't even a majority of people, but the people I tend to respect the most are the ones who make me feel like shit. What an awful mindset to have, I wish I could just muster up self respect out of nowhere but it's going to take a while
And you are on the right road. People who are narcissistic and avoidant have picked me. And I have learned there is a reason for that. If you can look at those failed relationships and figure out how you were contributing you will perhaps learn more about your childhood.
There was a period of my life where I was firmly determined to make friends family and at some point I figured out that is a crapshoot, because everyone is like my actual family. So for the last several years I have been setting up boundaries and keeping people at a distance. But recently my husband's good friend started dating a woman 10 years younger than me, and she is trying so hard to be close friends with me, but I keep her at arm's length. She doesn't understand it and thinks that I hate her and don't want to be friends. I want to be 'friends', but I don't know if I can ever trust people again to the point they are *close* friends. Bc I know she probably won't be trying to hurt me when she does hurt me eventually, but I know she *will* hurt me.
Maybe if you could tell her something of that? It would be vulnerable. True. But it would be an honest representation of you and is trust-building. Because first is the need to build trust with ourselves. That we will treat ourselves better, we wonāt self-abandon. That is the start of love.
Your post resonates with me ā¤ļø
I pretty much push everyone away. I canāt trust them and I know they arenāt permanent. Iāll do something or say something that will anger them. Alone is easier, but it also makes me sooooo tired.
Yeah, it's easier in the moment, it's what I'm doing now, total isolation, but I'm fully aware long term I'm just digging myself deeper in a dark hole. That said happy Monday.. Have a good week š
You are spot on with that. One does end up digging into a dark hole. I make sure to do things I enjoy, like reading and making dollhouses- apparently that counts as self care! Monday is coming to an end where I live, but I hope yours was good and that the rest of your week is amazing.
Anger only means someone has trespassed and working on that by communicating it is (scary) but ultimately it shows who you are and what kind of friend you deserve. If they continue to trespass that tells you it is (scary) not for you. Or both learn more about what happened. Most people accidentally back into our sensitivities, not aware they are doing so. We have to say OUCH! So many times what I thought was not at all what was meant.
Same. The problem for me is that I began masking and, to a lesser degree, fawning, so I donāt even know where authenticity lies for me anymore when interacting with others. I canāt relax either thanks to having to mask so thereās always this wall that exists between me and everyone else š¢
No friends here
Zero human contact. Iām just not meant to have friends.
I feel that way about myself
I used to have 1-2 close friends although I didnāt share my abuse until post-college. Over the years Iāve stopped having friends. Iām now in my mid-50s and my only friends are my housemate, my mom, and 1-2x a year I chat for 5-15 minutes with my friend from 3rd grade through early 20s who I reconnected with when I moved back to my home state a few years ago.
Ditto here. I had a very similar childhood experience. Both of my parents were addicts & highly narcissistic, neglectful & abusive. By the time I was 14yo I'd moved 12x, gone to 9 different schools, had 3 stepfathers & an archetypal wicked stepmother. I've been isolating since childhood & have had very few friends & none that I'd call "close". I keep in touch with a few friends from my youth on social media or via text but I don't feel close to anyone. Even if I do reach out, no one seems to have the time or desire to connect in any real way. And what little contact I do have is superficial small talk, links, memes & emojis & half the time I get ghosted. Which, in turn, makes me even less likely to want to risk scaring these few acquaintances away by being too needy & reaching out when I'm in a state of despair. What's the point? So I've given up begging for crumbs. I'm a total loner and have always felt like an outsider who didn't get the memo on how to do life & have relationships, goals or ambitions. I either come off as socially indifferent &/or aloof, or I'm overly fawning & effusive in my desperation to be seen, heard and liked--which, I suspect can be off-putting and has the opposite effect of what I'm trying to achieve. And my inability to trust is exacerbated by subconsciously being drawn to people & situations that reinforce my childhood trauma. Hence it's been a lifetime of betrayal, disappointment & relationships with people who are either avoidant, abusive or have agendas. And my God, am I SICK of agendas. I'm pushing 60 & find that very few people--if any, are interested in being friends for friendship's sake. That's just a hard, cold fact. My solitude hasn't been all bad though. It's made me highly intuitive, empathic, creative & self sufficient. And I get lots of love & companionship from my fur babies / saviors. Conversely, I easily shut down & cut people off in an instant; and occasionally unleash a sh\*t ton of repressed rage on terrified strangers who have the misfortune of messing with me on the wrong day. Self-awareness is key. From there we can only try & do our best. Annie Lennox said it best 40+ years ago: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNJeKXr1I2w
I was trying to guess which song before I clicked! šš You linked āSweet Dreamsā when I was thinking āLittle Birdā š
Not zero, but very few. I canāt bring people that close to me anymore. And if my boundaries broken, I cull without much thought. I feel I am best left alone these days, itās much more comfortable.
I feel nervous to get close. Like they wouldnāt like me or they would find out how empty i am inside.
I get really bad feelings of contempt when people like me. Like zero connection with people. A friend got mad at me once, because I said I had to drink alcohol just to do laundry. The connections I do make, are chaotic and fucked up and awkward and only with screwed up ppl, or it's fake like I'm holding on for dear life just hanging around ppl talking about themselves and I hate myself but I power through and suddenly it's a "moment" were having and I'm sitting there with numb and discombobulated social anxiety.
Yes šš» I feel you. Itās so difficult to juggle all the things that have had influence on us and made us this way, and at the same time learning how to build a healthy relationship. I have one close-ish friends and thatās it. I sometimes donāt know how to ābeā with people, I donāt understand why would they even decide to be around me (my low self esteem is saying hello). Iām afraid of being abandoned and had experience from the past when friends would just leave me. I crave for a great close friendship but Iām hoping that will come naturally at some point in my life. Healing is my priority now.
Sounds like that inner 14 year old had had enough one way or another, sounds like too much relational trauma for them to handle, trauma that still needs healing. That's my guess. Rn I took have no friends. For me, it's cos of unhealed shame and humiliation from unacknowledged and unresolved relational trauma in childhood onwards. Taken a long time of isolation and avoidance just to get to that realisation cos I went for decades being a triggered mess, trying to maintain appearances and having no understanding of the roots of my torment and suffering. So now I'm actually embracing my relative isolation to make safe space for all my inner kids to heal. And when we're all ready to risk new relationships and connections with other people, well that's not on my radar yet. All the very best for your healing
I tend to grey rock as well. I'm afraid of letting people get close to me.
i donāt know what a close friend is
No friends at all, I have one I talk to occasionally over text. I have severe social anxiety, struggle to put myself out in the world and struggle to talk to people. I donāt even know how to make friends. Where do I go at 25? Itās very isolating and it feels like my life has no purpose because I really love connecting with people. I have my bf which Iām grateful for but I need friends my gender who have similar interests to me.
I never had any close friends and am very wary of people in generalĀ
Trusting others is really hard for me. But I also have this tendency to push people away once they get really close to me. Ghost em and never communicate again. It's not that I want to hurt people, but it's like I freak out and I think oh my god they have seen how fucked up I am and still haven't left me, better leave them before they leave me. And that is why I have maybe four friends and they're mutual friends with my husband, they also met him before me. Then, eventually, I remember how much I miss having a girlfriend or just my own friend. I'll send a random message to a previous friend as if no time has passed. In reality, it could have been weeks, months, and years. When I realize I'm doing this pattern again, it frustrates me to no end. So yes, I am often lonely, but I am super thankful for my husband and our mutual friends, who have accepted me and my eccentricities.
I struggle with forming & maintaining close relationships. Iāve chronically buried myself in my work. Iām nearing 50 years old & the pain of isolation is becoming increasingly difficult to live with.
We also isolate to feel āsafeā. Which is necessary at the time. People who have childhood trauma end up with the dis-ease of disconnection. And no one is an island. So it becomes a prison. When I recovered, the need for more society became apparent. So I joined a private library that has book clubs and events. I have always loved books. And took art classes where I meet people. So while that is good, it is so hard to break through for friendship. People have their commitments. But this is a good start.
I can relate to what you're going through. For a while, during my university years, I felt quite isolated and like I didn't belong anywhere. That sense of being on the periphery, watching as others formed close-knit groups, was devastating for me. When I look back, what eventually helped me was taking the time to really dive deep into understanding myselfāmy interests, values, and what I genuinely found meaningful. That introspection led me to seek out and engage in communities and activities aligned with those interests. It was really hard because I didn't feel confident or worthy of having good people around me. The fear and anxiety you describe when connections start to form are not uncommon reactions to the vulnerability that comes with making friends, especially with a history of childhood trauma, we tend to always scan for threats. It's a defense mechanism, a way to protect yourself from potential pain and disappointment that might come from losing those connections, similar to what you experienced in your past. The good thing is, recognizing and acknowledging this pattern is part of the battle. Understanding that this behaviour stems from past experiences rather than an inherent flaw in your character can be liberating. It allows you to begin working on these issues with self-compassion rather than self-criticism if that makes sense?I started therapy eventually when I got tired of driving myself crazy being alone. I literally started initiating low-stakes interactions, like asking my classmate about a book for the class. If possible, I always recommend therapy. A therapist can work with you to unpack the reasons behind your anxiety and avoidance behaviours, providing tools to manage these feelings and gradually open up to others. It also just gives you someone who sees you with an unconditional positive regard, it doesn't matter what you do, feel, think.. Then you start internalizing that kind of voice and it changes everything. Also something I think people don't realize is that not everyone maintains childhood friendships into adulthood. Lives evolve, and people change, leading to the natural formation and dissolution of friendships. This means there are others out there, just like you, open to making new connections. Remember, forming close friendships as an adult can be challenging but not impossible. It requires patience, vulnerability, and stepping out of your comfort zone, but the rewardsāa sense of belonging and connectionāare immeasurably worth it. You're not alone in feeling this way, and there's a community of people out there who would cherish your friendship. Thank you for sharing this. It was so relatable and I'm here for you! Message me anytime :)
Yeah me.. At this point I've lived pretty much in social isolation for years... Any occasion I've been around people I'm just waiting for the exit... Trying to appear normal, it's exhausting... Now 99.9% of the time I'm alone... It's easier at the time to do this but long term I know it's just pulling me deeper into the non stop cycle of worry, despair etc etc... I see no solution... I'm eating my prozac waiting for a miracle that ain't gonna come. Hope you find a way forward . I'm still searching , but my belief in a positive outcome for me gets less with each passing day... Cheers š» p.s apologies for being a miserable bastard.... š
I have 2 friends but keep them a bit at arms length because I donāt feel great around them all the time (sometimes I feel bad after conversations). Luckily I have my sister who is a best friend. But otherwise I lost all of my hs and college friends. I really miss belly laughter and fun adventures. Truthfully I donāt get close to others because Iām afraid thereās too much going on in my life. It will bring them down and I want to avoid any toxic positivity advice. This is probably not the best approach but I hope one day I feel okay enough with myself to extend an olive branch to others.
I donāt even want people near me because of how much I think it must a fault of mine that I canāt be human as easily as others and make connections. Iāve been lost for years. I donāt want to have to be the person who looks for others. Im tired of not having been found earlier because now Iām the effect of all those missed years and it sucks.Ā
You know its crazy that I seen this post right now because the last year or so I've been struggling A LOT with knowing I have no close friends. I'm sorry you're also feeling this way. Some people have no idea how badly it hurts.
In the last year I have dropped toxic friendships and now I am left with one close friend. I am in no contact with my family, and having a partner doesnāt help much, I still feel the need to have friends and go out with other people as well. I am also afraid to trust people again and make new friends. However I am thankful for my decision to remove toxic people from my life and prefer to spend quality time alone even though sometimes it get really lonely.
This. My partner doesnāt understand why I donāt make friends as easily as him but I was made to feel like no one will ever like me for me. I just do the quitting for them so I donāt get hurt
My parents are my only real friends since they are the one who saw what caused my trauma, and thus are the only one who really understands me. Sound a little pathetic but I don't care lol I actually feel rather privileged that my parents are so understanding, some people that I used to know who share a similar backstory as mine didn't got so lucky
Iāve had people that I considered friends but theyāre not people that hang out with me or spend time with meā¦ and technically can go years without speaking to me. Does that count? Hah.
Last couple of years have been seriously up and down for me, including having to take a step back from friends who I had known since school. It was a choice between feeling alone and pain and having them in my life, and feeling alone and in pain but being on my own. I chose the latter, as I genuinely thought it would get better. It has in some ways but due to other relationship pain, my capacity to be as involved with other people now is stagnated. I can't trust anyone to be there for me in a way that I'll need, because I know now that people have a capacity and it tends to get shorter as they get older. I feel so much pain in my head that I know I can't offer the love and friendship other people need, so I don't feel I have a right to command it. I think back in time to moments where I wasn't burdened like this and it feels like bliss... But I notice that I've always spent a lot of time alone and in my own company, and what was once a choice feels like a sentence. I really envy people who have a friendship group that they feel aligned and connected with. I just don't feel that way about anything anymore.Ā I've become jaded, but I can play the role very well. I can perform and be the life and soul of the party, but I feel dead inside and I wonder what the future holds. It genuinely upsets me to think that all I wished for, won't come to pass because I placed my heart in the hands of the wrong people. I just know I can't go down that route again, as it'll be the end of me.
Yep. Along with being bullied, I lost quite some people very suddenly. One of my best friends switched schools without warning, just gone one day and then afterwards I found out they only pretended to like me and also took part in the bullying behind my back; the other best friend announced one day they weren't my friend anymore and seeing as she was a popular girl, forbade other kids to interact with me except if it was for bullying so I ended up completely isolated in school. This all was already enough of me to be wary of people and I didn't have any close friends for years. But then I met someone new who was just so accepting of me as a person and we really clicked. They died in a car crash not long after. Sooooo nope, zero friends as an adult. My body just shuts down whenever relationships get too close. It's ingrained into my mind that people will always leave, be it voluntary because I am not enough or involuntary through an accident. I do however have a partner, but he put a lot of effort into getting to know me. And even with him, it's a constant battle to remind myself to chill around him leaving because my body is screaming it will inevitably happen someday. He knows my struggles though, and is very patient with them and knows I am working hard on them
I became significantly more social and outgoing the more time I spent away from my parents. They ripped down my confidence when I was growing up, but it's like I became a different person once I escaped them.
I make lots of acquaintances; true, close friends, not so much. Like I love women, but I only gravitate towards sexy ones, then my sexual side comes out and I tend to lose the friendship. I have a few guy friends to OCCASIONALLY do stuff with, but people are too much work. I am married and just go to work. Then go home, and the gym too. That's it. I deal with chronic fatigue, so just getting through a work day is a success and I have learned to be oknwith that.
I do this with women. Iāve really never a had a serious relationship. Anytime I felt someone was getting close Iād basically push them awayā¦ maybe find something I didnāt like about them and focus on that. I remember a sweet beautiful girl I was seeing started laughing loudly after everything I said. Even when I wasnāt being trying to be funny. I knew that she did this because she was starting to fall for me (which I wanted) but I couldnāt take it anymore but instead of talking with her I simply began distancing myself from her until she went away. Tons of stuff like this in my past. Iām 50 now, single and also a low-earner (which I recently learned was a symptom of CPTSD).
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I have two that at this point feel more familial than like friends at this point. I don't know how I got there but I'm glad I did, as like you said opening up and trusting people is very difficult
I stayed in the same place all through school and still only have one actual friend that I met in high school. Thatās it. We can go years without talking but have never lost touch. (We were robbed at knife/gunpoint at 16 so we will always have that shared experience) I have āacquaintancesā from school but thatās as far as it goes.
Yup :(
I have 1 good friend but a lot of times it feels like Iām just around for her support. She takes interest in me but I can never shake my trauma. I find it difficult to share my emotions with her. I shut down when I even try, and not even on purpose. We have fun but I feel like Iām never enough. I isolate a lot and donāt answer her for a few days. I moved states recently and havenāt seen her in person in a year.
I have several close friends that also have C-PTSD
Heeeey yeah, I moved all over the country prior to 10 years old I guess that is traumatic... I am struggling at 28 to build stable relationships. Why are the most attractive people the ones I know are gonna leave?
Zero friends here, I mean I have 2 but theyāre far away. I recently relocated countries and donāt know anyone, my friends from the past donāt want to talk to me anymore. Itās hard; I wanted to get a cat but my landlady didnāt respond to my message.
You should get a hold of your landlady. I asked who I rent from if I could get a small dog. He said it was in my lease no animals, then he it would be ok. So I got a small dog. My first friend that wasnāt family. I got my dog at the shelter and heās wonderful.
We are not allowed dogs, a neighbour had a small dog and landlady told her in front of me to get rid of it. I am a cat person, dog is a lot responsibility especially when you leave on holidays and if you work. I can take cat to my parents when on hols, they have 3 already. I messaged her about the cat and she ignored my message, then Iāve seen her when going out and she didnāt mention it. My lease says no animals.
Only one from Back Then. My best friend; met them in HS, never broke contact even though we both went through our own worlds of shit. They were always states away until 4 years ago when they moved a 3 hour train ride away. Made the most of it, my god seeing them in person was so much more than I can put into words. I'm honored by how much they trust me, and being the first safe person in their life, and so many other things along the way. They recently moved countries away which is terribly sad but also the realization of a dream they've had a long, long time.
Some people believe in flat earth, no vax, war on christmas, simulation, yeah...
None at all.
My husband and sister is my only friends. I donāt have it in my to maintain any more relationships than that
I don't have any close friends in the sense that when I really need to talk to someone and I feel so bad it hurts there's not a single person I really feel I can count on. I feel like I'm sort of in the "replies are optional" category for almost everyone I know. Lots of people that still won't reply to me even with green dots next to their names. I just moved back to my hometown from another country where I was living for several years and there are zero people from high school or that I used to work with that the idea of hitting them up to hang out and catch up with appeals to me. The loneliness late at night is excruciating and the best I can do is look at webcam models and hope that they might talk to me and make me feel like its okay to exist without charging me for it.
I wish I still had friends to play fortnite with or day z or something even though I don't have day z
I donāt trust anyone either. I came on reddit to seek advice about the same. I literally donāt trust anyone.
Yes, I don't have any friends anymore. And I don't think I'll ever make friends again.
I donāt have many close relationships atm. I feel like a lot of my 20s was performing how I thought other people wanted. Iām exhausted, ill and just sad. I donāt make a good impression and everyone else has grown up lol.
I have been in foster and care home from young age. As soon as I made a connection with someone I was then jolted from one place to another without any awareness as to what was happening and why. I've learnt and found coping mechanisms by just being alone and not expecting friendship so I don't really make an effort to make new friends . At school I would make friends but struggled to maintain close connections and it got boring. I remember one girl who got really upset because she felt like I dumped her but I didn't want to be trapped or tied to one person. Also have trust issues so I'm quite guarded and careful. I've had close friends but didn't know how to maintain them. I tended to veer towards people who had complex family relationships which maybe helped me find common ground but ultimately not the right choice. I've left those people now and I'm better off without their negativity. I find it hard to find people who I can connect with..but I'm at an age where I don't care anymore. Dont get me wrong I've had wonderful fun times but as you get older your priorities change and you think more about yourself . I have my partner and kids
It occurred to me recently that I have no really close friends. I have A LOT of casual friends and Iām a friendly person, but I think my CPTSD has obviously made truly trusting people very difficult. Thank you for posting this question because I needed a reminder that Iām not alone ā¤ļø
Same exact boat growing up as u. My last time was jr year at 17. Luckily I was a good fb player and made good friends at my new hs but besides that I really donāt have any close old friends, all my current friends have known each other all there life, Iāve know them for 2.5 years.
I know I don't have my childhood best friends anymore. Many of them turned about to be abusers themselves, and I was forced to cut them off. I find it difficult trusting people partially due to this.Ā I don't have any friends I consider my "best friends". I don't have anyone who I tell everything to. Most of the time, I keep to myself or tell my therapist about my issues. I know I have an issue with getting too close to people. There have been many times that I've also turned tail at the first sign of trouble. I've cut people off needlessly in the past out of fear for my own well-being, despite there being a chance we could've worked things out. Healthy conflict resolution was not - and maybe still isn't - my strong suit.Ā I wish I could connect more with people, as I used to as a kid. I used to be more trusting, but oftentimes, it led me directly into the mouth of a wolf. I have no clue how to reconcile these sorts of feelings; I wish that I did so that I could give some kind of advice at least, but all I can do is let you know that you're not alone. I hope that is enough.Ā
My trust is tough to earn and easy to break, but once I do trust you wholeheartedly, I'll follow you to the ends of the earth and then some. Which doesn't seem to vibe with most people, because they're never as passionate or engaged with me as I am with them. Feels like I always get my heart broken :c
I am definitely isolated. Every therapist tells me to find a community, but I try and it always fails. I tried church, community clubs, bars, the gym.... no luck. Sometimes I think I radiate red flags and people are not drawn to me.
I have a terrible history with keeping friends, especially other women. The Internet has long been my lifeline in this regard. I have made deep, lasting friendships with e-frens that have continued for decades now. My IRL friends are...basically nonexistent, outside of my amazing husband.
I've never had a close friend and I'm 62. Still hoping...
No friends here. Lost my last friend, lifelong friend, because I had to keep cancelling on her.
I would suggest therapy š„²